All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s04e21 Grate Expectations

I'll go check on your salads.

Oleg, what's the hold-up
with the salads?

I never made one before.

My two favorite guys,

Big Doug and Sancho,
are ordering salads?

What happened
to their usual BLTs?

Burgers, lasagna and tacos?

They said they want
to lose weight.

And no matter what you order,

it's easier to throw up here
than at home.

I don't get why nobody
wants to be fat anymore.

The fat seasons of Oprah
were always the best.

You're right.

Every other year of Oprah
was the best years.

What is this I hear about you
blushing beauties on a diet?

Oh, we're not blushing.

We're just still flushed
from sitting down.

And we're trying to get in shape.

Preferably a shape that doesn't
resemble a seasonal gourd.

Plus, my girlfriend wants me
to slim down

so we can sit on the same side
of the plane when we travel.

Well, Big Doug,
you tell that lucky lady

that I would rather date a man
with boobs bigger than mine

than a man who brings his own

salad dressing to a restaurant.

Pie me.

Cherry, pumpkin,
or coconut cream?

-Yes.
-Yes.

Max Black, bringing smiles
to men's faces since puberty.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

I just talked to this guy at...

I think it's table three.
I still don't know the numbers.

Anyway, he asked, "What's new?"

And I told him
we were opening a dessert bar

at the airport tomorrow.

Then I realized
he was asking what kind of pot

I was selling this week.

Why are you telling people
about us and the airport?

It's like when you told everyone
you thought you had HPV.

That was a state-mandated
kind of thing.

Oh, look who it is.
The airport people.

You guys putting together
a little happy hour?

With the jocks at Southwest?

Or the "in crowd"
at the Virgin Terminal?

You know who's going to be
a terminal virgin?

You can make
all the death threats you want,

but you know
what will keep me alive?

The fact that you two work
at the airport.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Hey, everybody!

Here comes the almost bride.

Did you ever see
a prettier almost bride?

I mean, you know,
besides Jennifer Aniston.

Sophie, it's only one week
till the wedding,

so this is your last chance
to take a run at me.

Now you won't be disappointed.

I'm still very sexually active
for the first five minutes.

Oh, Earl, if I took a run at you,

you'd go right through that wall
like Wile E. Coyote.

Hey, bridesmaids.

BOTH: Hey, Sophie.

Hey, Oleg.

You got a message
from your brother

in the Ukraine.

Yoshinko called?

Here's his message.

What was the message?

"Hey, Oleg,
did you see last night's Alf?"

Nah, I don't speak Ukrainian.

I mean, what am I?
A plumber in Queens?

No, so I brought
the whole thing in.

-Here he is.
-(MACHINE BEEPS)

YOSHINKO: Oleg...
(CONTINUES IN UKRAINIAN)

(CONTINUES IN UKRAINIAN)

-...Goodbye.
-(MACHINE BEEPS)

(SPEAKS UKRAINIAN)

-What did he say?
-He's not coming.

I understood a little

because I had a Russian Au pair
growing up.

You know, until she
bleached my good jeans.

Yoshinko can't come
to the wedding.

He's on a no-fly list,

a no-drive list,
and a no-walk list.

He's in jail.

Oh, but he was gonna be
your best man.

I got a ham engraved for him.

Don't worry, baby.
I'll find someone.

It could be anyone.

He doesn't even have to be
the best or even good.

I'll have to lower my standards.

Han, will you be my best man?

You said lower,
not sub-basement.

Well, Oleg,
I'll need to think about it.

Yes.

Great. So Han, you're in charge
of the bachelor party tomorrow.

I want a night
that will disgrace all involved.

A night where no one
can look each other in the eye

at brunch the next day.

Wow, Han. Bachelor party's
a big responsibility.

Do you know any grown-ups
who can buy you beer?

Max, hurry.

The grand opening
of this pink airport dungeon

is in a few minutes.

That TSA line took forever.

The woman with
all those nickels?

I haven't seen that much change
on a lady since Chaz Bono.

Don't worry,
I'm making friends in the TSA.

Judy, big gal, little beard?

Having lunch with her

at the Wok N' Roll
near Malaysia Airlines.

It's pretty quiet over there
these days.

Hey, ladies.

Opening day.
I'm so excited,

my nipples have been shooting
daggers since I woke up.

Seriously,
I haven't been this excited

since my parents sent me
to military school.

God, does everything have to be
fun when you're gay?

If it isn't,
you're not doing it right.

I'm just happy
I get to be out front here.

Finally, I won't be stuffed
in the back.

I mean, unless I run into a
Republican senator

in the men's room.

Come on, let's open up.

But dat key though!

I love this job.

Wait.
Should someone make a speech?

A speech?

If you want to hear my thoughts
on opening this place,

I'll just CC you
on my suicide note.

Fine, I'll make a speech.
(INHALES DEEPLY)

To all the school janitors

who told me I'd never have
my own giant set of keys,

too big for any pocket,

and that I wasn't a good kisser?

They can all suck it.

Yes! Rise, gate. Rise!

Ooh, you go, gate.

Yes, I'm drunk with power.

Also, a little drunk.

All right. Here they come.

JOHN: Yep. Any minute.

Just our luck. The one day
the airport isn't crowded.

Well, I guess I have time to go
check my make-up

in the men's room.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

It's Han.

He wants us to come to Oleg's
bachelor party tonight.

I've gotten a call like this before,

but usually it's through a service

that involves making some
tassels spin

in opposite directions.

No way. You know I was
planning on going home

and crying tonight.

Han is planning a party.
You will cry there for sure.

That's true.
I really can cry anywhere now.

I guess I've got that at least.

I can't believe I work
at the airport, Max.

Hey, would you feel better
if you held my giant keys?

Hello?

Hello.

Welcome,
you're our first customer.

Do I get a prize?

Is it you?

I'm on board now.
I love this job.

Welcome, everyone.

I'm your MC, Han Lee.

Gonna get the crazy party started here,

with some dirty, racy jokes.

This is the deadest place
I've ever been to,

and I once woke up in Heaven.

Okay, here we go.

"What do a Rubik's Cube and
a penis have in common?

The more you play with it,
the harder it gets."

A Rubik's Cube
was a popular '80s toy.

You suck! Next act!

"What do a walrus and a
Tupperware have in common?"

Hold on a minute. Uh, something
about a seal being tight.

-(CELL PHONE DINGS)
-(GASPS)

Ooh! I just got a text from
Josh, the pilot.

He says, "What's up, you?"
Isn't that cute?

Cute that he forgot your name?

It's really been
a long time for you, hasn't it?

I took off my underwear
last week and a coyote howled.

Tough crowd.

I'm talking about you, Max.

Oh, come on, Han.
Loosen up. Have a drink.

A martini, an appletini,
anything teeny.

Nah, just do a vodka shot.
If nothing else,

the glass will look normal-sized
in your hand

and I'll have a laugh.

Can't hurt.

(RASPY VOICE) But it did.

Thanks for the party, Han.
What time is it starting?

I've never been a best man.
It's a lot of pressure.

Yeah, being a man
would be hard for you.

You've never been one before.

Let alone the best one.

What's in that, ground glass?

This party is worse
than the communist party.

And they killed half my family.

Oleg, don't worry.
I'll get this party started.

I'm making a call to some girls
I went to school with.

The Slut Academy on Seventh.

Commonly known as NYU.

I'm more concerned
about my cousin.

He has something I need.

Soap? Deodorant?
The toughest acting Tinactin?

-MAN: Cousin!
-Oh!

-There he is!
-Hey, hey.

Well, he didn't bring
the deodorant.

-Yuri, you made it! (GRUNTS)
-Are you the stripper?

Probably in a few years.

Did you bring the papers?

The papers I need
to get married?

And those little
Ukrainian candies I love?

Bad news.

The guy who made the fake papers
got deported.

They took the papers.
I ate the candy.

What'd I miss? Besides my chance
to become something?

Are you the stripper?

Nyet.

A compliment
and an insult in just one word.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Did I mention "no"?

How can you say the word "no,"

but not understand it
when women say it?

This is a disaster.

And not the kind
where I can loot.

I needed those fake papers
to renew my fake green card.

Mine expires next month.

Since when do you care
about expiration dates?

You cook with eggs so old,
they fight back.

Sophie will never believe
that I'm not marrying her

just for a green card.

She has major trust issues

since one day, her father
went out for pierogies

and came back without pierogies.

(POP MUSIC PLAYS)

I'm really enjoying the dance stylings

of Camel and Toe up there.

Everyone is having fun except Oleg.

I haven't seen him put the
V fingers in front of his mouth

at any of these ladies.

Ooh! Wouldn't mind some

over the sweater action
with her.

Hers or yours?

Max, I just did something
I've never done.

Told a story about someone else?

No, I sent the pilot a boob pic.

(GASPS)

Girl, you nasty.

I know. I am nasty!

I just looked into the camera
with my boobs out and hit send.

(LAUGHS) That's awesome.

Uh, circling back now,

did you say you looked
into the camera?

You didn't put your face in it,
did you?

Girl! You stupid.

How else would he know
it was me?

You never put your face in it.

Didn't I raise you
better than this?

Well, at least you weren't
smiling in it.

All right, what kind of smile?
A flirty smirk could work.

A come-hither grin
would be great.

More like...

So you were in this...

pose with your yabbos out?

So you basically
did a nude yogurt ad.

Yeah, but like yogurt you want
to have sex with, right?

Oh, my God.

Sophie will be here any minute.

When I called,
she was washing her hair.

She was going to put it
back on her head and come.

Just be honest with her.
Sometimes the truth is ugly.

But she knows that.
She's seen you naked.

Well, still no text back, so
apparently not as ugly as this.

What's that about?
Are you selling real estate now?

(SOPHIE CHUCKLES)

Oh... wow!

I mean, this party
couldn't get any sleazier

unless you invited Robin Thicke.

I'm looking up at skanky whore city,
but I trust you, Oleg.

-You do?
-Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Aside from my complicated past

full of men that have
lied to me.

But you and I don't have secrets
from each other, right, Oleg?

Yeah, well, you see--

It is time for the traditional
best man speech.

So listen up, bitches.

Ow, damn it.

I am bleeding.

Repeat, I am bleeding.

I can't believe this.

There's an app that burps
when you shake your phone,

but no app that
un-sends a boob pic?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sophie. Oleg.

What's there to say
about these two kids?

Oleg is a bad cook.

Sophie, quite loud.

But somehow,
when they get together, magic.

You suck, next act!

Says the lady
that works at the airport.

And, Oleg, I'm so glad
Sophie is marrying you

so now you can stay
in the country.

MAX: Oh, no. Uh...

You suck, next act.

Yeah, I hear you, girl.

I mean, that last joke
didn't even have a punch line.

Yeah, I mean,
it was sort of sad.

It was no joke. This is serious.

It's really serious.

That boob pic
is up in the Cloud now.

My boob is in the Cloud, y'all.

Sophie,
I didn't know how to tell you.

You wanted to marry me
for a green card?

See, I thought you were
marrying me for my bod.

Or for my connections
at The Container Store, or...

I mean, I taught you
how to read!

-Sophie, I can explain.
-No, no, no. The wedding's off.

Oh, no.

What the hell am I going to do
with all those pigeons

that I had painted
wedding white?

-Sophie, wait.
-(HISSING)

Oh, well, look who it is.

My dearly deported.

I worked on that
the whole way over.

Sophie, I'm not gonna be deported.

I'm gonna marry someone
so I can stay in this country

and win you back.

I don't care who my new bride is.

Just upfront, it can't be me.

Because everybody knows
I'm married to my work.

And it can't be me.

It just can't.

They don't even have to be
the best or even good.

Standards are out the window.

Look, it's a California Raisin.

Ooh! Sunglasses and Advil.

Last night was mad real.

Han, will you marry me
so I can stay in the country?

I'll need to think about it.
Yes.

Apparently the only thing he
won't say yes to is health care.

Oleg, I don't believe you.

This is just another trick

to get me to do what
you want me to do.

Like when you kept "dropping"
your ice cream into your lap.

No trick.

Sometimes love makes you do
crazy, disgusting things.

Like this. Come here, Han.

And now, I love this job, too!

Thank God he picked Han.

Wow, Sophie.
Oleg must really love you.

That had to be hard for him.

And from what I can see,
a little hard for Han, too.

At our wedding,
maybe two pumps of breath spray.

Han, you're not marrying Oleg.

Because Oleg's marrying me.

I believe you now.

Because you kissed Han

and Asian girls
aren't even your thing.

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

Oh, my God, Max.
It's my boob pic.

Someone made it into a meme.

A mammo meme?

You're not supposed to
need those till you're 40.

My boob pic is gonna be hanging
over me for the rest of my life.

Oh, come on, your boob
couldn't hang over a pencil.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English - US - SDH)

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0