Original subtitles

Uh, it's like I'm back in my mother's womb.

Only, there's food here.

Ugh, those e-cigs are so stupid.

I mean, smoking real cigarettes kills you

but smoking fake ones makes me want to kill you.

They're not smoking. They're vaping.

He just passed it to her. Someone's getting date vaped.

I just figured out the new phones.

Now I've got to figure out how to smoke?

If I wanted to learn everything all over again,

I would have had a stroke.

Hey, guys, sorry, but you're not allowed to do that in here.

And I'm not talking about your outfits.

I'll get to those when I bring the check.

Relax, it's not a cigarette. It has a battery.

Yeah, so does my vibrator but...

can't use that in here either.

-(DINGS) -I didn't approve that rule.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Well, I think we ordered too many of our cupcake tees.

There are more unworn shirts here

than in Matthew McConaughey's closet.

Hey, girls.

Look at me. I got my Sunday bra on

because I just came from church.

Was it my church? The Church of Latter-Day Sluts?

Oleg and I are looking for one to get married in.

And it's got to have a wheelchair ramp

because I've got a lot of cousins

who were born without leg bones.

I'm so excited for you, Sophie.

You deserve all the happiness in the world.

I mean, so do I, but that's obviously not happening.

Are you done with your pity-party?

Because I got to speak to Max.

Max, do you wanna be my maid of honor?

I would rather be eaten alive by a rabbit...

which would take a long time and be a lot less embarrassing.

Sophie, you don't really want me to be your maid of honor.

That's right. I don't.

So, why are we even talking about it?

Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked,

it's just not really my thing, you know, man?

It's just really not your thing? It's nobody's thing.

You just do it because you're supposed to,

like bleaching your teeth or your anus.

Thank God I'm off the list

because that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.

Look, I'm sorry, it's just,

I was a maid of honor in fifth grade

when my mom married her cult leader.

And then she was my maid of honor

when I married him a week later.

So I'm kind of maid-of-honored out.

Maybe I'll get one of my old sorority sisters

to be my bridesmaid.

I'm gonna go home

and find out which one is still thin enough to fly commercial.

All right, where are we gonna store all these shirts?

It's already too crowded in here

with all the cupcakes, shame and failure.

We'll sell some of these at the cupcake window,

twenty of these are already going

to that fancy boutique in Manhattan,

and the rest, maybe we'll get lucky

and find a gay little league team.

Oh, I know. Let's get drunk.

That's your solution to everything.

Seriously.

We need to just take some to that new bar

where idiots pay $20 for a drink.

Drunk and stupid, that's our target audience.

And also, the special skills I've listed on my resume.

So you're saying we're gonna stoop so low

as to sell T-shirts out of a duffle bag in a bar?

Yeah, we're there.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

How much do you think this pays? Because I can do that.

Yes, you can. All you need is a stepladder and boobs.

We're at, like, the Star Trek: Next Generation bar.

Keep your eyes peeled for Whoopi Goldberg

in a crazy hat.

I can't believe I'm selling T-shirts

out of a duffle bag in the future, too.

Yeah. I fully support mixing business and pleasure.

Best sex I ever had was with my boss at a Panera Bread.

I thought you said the best sex you ever had

was with a dude with six fingers.

Same guy.

Man, could he make a sandwich crazy fast.

Hi. Wanna buy a cool tee for your girlfriend?

Let me see if my girlfriend wants a tee.

You want a tee, honey?

Hey. Hey. Not so fast.

They say "cream filled" on the back.

Huh, boys? Anything?

Wow, gays aren't fun in the future.

Hey.

And Jesus comes back in the future.

So what's in the bag?

I've never met a girl at a bar with actual baggage.

That's funny because you mean like emotional.

You're really beautiful.

You weren't nearly this hot in the book.

So can I get you ladies a drink?

Sure, you could just change this water into wine.

Can you, like, do this for me, just, like, once?

-Drinks on me. -Oh, lucky them.

I haven't heard I'm beautiful

from a non-homeless person in months.

Well, with that hair, the jury's still out.

Hey, can I kiss you?

I suppose a peck wouldn't...

Say what?

-I'm James. -I'm wet.

Because my arm was sitting in water on the bar.

That was so hot, Max.

I have, like, this animal attraction to him.

What animal? The Horny Nerd?

I'll leave. You stay and do your thing.

-But we came together. -Yeah, I know you guys did.

It happened, like, the second he kissed you.

I don't do this. I just met him.

Look, Caroline. I haven't read the Bible.

But I know that when Jesus returns,

you must follow him back to his apartment.

Let go, let God get to third base.

Max, where's Caroline?

I haven't seen her all day.

But I'm guessing she's in heaven.

-I'm here, I'm here. -Nope, she's in hell.

Walk of shame, party of one.

Girl. Gi-irl.

Tell me everything that happened.

Leave out no details.

It was insane. I mean, like, so hot.

Like the Caribbean or our shower that one time.

What are you two celebrating? I know it isn't a job well done.

We are celebrating the release

of the new Star Wars: Episode VII trailer online.

Seriously? (LAUGHS)

Max, we did everything. We--

Oleg, can you give us some privacy?

What? I can't be in the ladies' room.

I can't be in the kitchen.

-So did you... -No.

Well, did you...

No.

Well, did you at least...

Oh, God, no!

Well, what did you do? Water a plant together?

We had sex.

Last night and today. That's a big thing for me.

And, yes, it was.

Yes. That was obvious in the bar.

Skinny jeans are just boner X-rays.

-Oh, no. Oh, no. -What, rat in the slaw again?

My rings. I left them at his place.

I have to get them back. They're half my belongings.

So just text him and say, "Yo, I left my rings, nice wiener,"

a hundred emojis, send.

Max, I can't text a guy first.

It's bad enough I have a Groupon for intimacy oil.

Look, worst-case scenario, the McRib is gone for good.

Second worst-case scenario,

we can always implement the two-week rule.

"The two-week rule"?

Wait, isn't that how long you have to eat Pad Thai

before it becomes bad Thai?

No, you really have to read my book.

It means if he doesn't text for two weeks,

you can break in and get your stuff.

All that fancy school and you didn't learn nothing.

Two weeks and nothing.

I really thought he'd text.

I also thought Grown Ups 2 should have won the Oscar.

Still got it. Come on.

Wait, before I lose the rest of my self-esteem--

Tell that to the wall you're currently straddling.

Let me just check my phone one more time to see if he--

Nope. Self-esteem gone.

-I'm afraid to jump. -Jump, whore, jump.

I sound like my mom teaching me how to swim.

(GRUNTS) I did it. I did it.

That was, like, two feet. I've snorted lines longer.

All right. Just another Tuesday.

Going all Bling Ring in Jesus' backyard.

There. That's his bedroom window.

I know because we had to close it,

since I'm kind of loud.

Oh, what are you like during sex?

What do I do if he's home?

Do you want me to kill him fast or do you want him to suffer?

And by that, I mean, do you want me to hold him

while you ask him why he didn't call?

He's not home.

According to this Instagram,

he's at Chipotle talking to a guy

with a parrot on his shoulder.

He had no time to pop off a text to me.

Oh, it's stuck and I can't fit my boobs through there.

I can barely fit them through the Holland Tunnel.

Fine. I'm going in.

Finally, having no boobs pays off.

Lift my legs up. Ow!

Okay, but your legs in the air

kind of got you here to begin with.

Uh-oh.

What "oh"?

I don't remember him having a floral duvet.

-Or a bedside toilet. -Woof!

Or a dog! Pull me out! Pull me out!

You've got to read my book.

I have a whole chapter on pulling out.

No, no, no. Oh, stop licking me.

-Buster? Buster? -Someone's coming.

Someone's coming or getting licked?

Maybe you are in the right apartment.

Argh!

Get out of my house! Get out of my house!

No, no. This is a big mistake.

Ben, call the cops!

We got another crack addict here!

We don't have crack here!

We don't have crack here! And tell your friends!

(SIREN BLARES)

If these match the prints found at an Arby's break-in in '07,

it's purely coincidental.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

-My life is over. -Look at the camera.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

-I'm so humiliated. -And turn to the side.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Ma'am, this isn't "Vogue: Behind Bars".

Sorry, Officer, she's a virgin.

Me, myself, spent some time in the juvie system

up in Providence.

You know a family court judge named Shelly?

No. Go.

Oh, Officer, hold.

Thanks, but stay away during the full-body cavity search.

-Proceed. -You think?

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

So, you girls broke into an old lady's house,

got halfway through the window and stole absolutely nothing.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Glad I am protecting the city from you.

I mean, ISIS who, right?

All right. Let's go.

If he had just texted me, none of this would be happening.

I wouldn't be in prison, I'd be home.

My other prison.

Wait, if who had texted you?

Thanks for asking.

This guy I slept with didn't text me for two weeks

after we had sex, and I left my rings at his place, so I--

You did the two-week rule?

Yeah. But she got the wrong apartment

because, knowing her, her eyes were closed the whole time.

Well, why didn't you say so?

We got a two-week rule over here!

Stay right over here. We'll get you out soon.

I left my billy club at the Captain's house.

He's got three more days.

See? See? It's gonna be fine.

We'll just chill here for an hour.

It's like an edgier Lens Crafters.

What am I gonna tell my father?

A prison to prison call?

I can't be here. I can't be here.

No! No! Come back! We were good!

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Dumb move.

Dumber than me and the Captain.

Let me guess, our glasses won't be ready in an hour.

I can't believe you got us arrested in jail.

Where are we going? I mean, besides nowhere in life.

You girls lost your get-out-of-jail-free card.

You're gonna have to get someone to bail you out.

You're going in the holding cell.

Yo! Fresh meat!

Sorry, I have a reputation to uphold.

-Max, I'm scared. -I got this.

Yo! She's already my bitch.

So she can't be anyone else's! Sorry!

-Hold my belt. -What?

Do it!

-'Sup, 'sup? -Cool, cool.

Fifty women, one toilet?

It's like backstage at The View.

Max, I can't handle this. I can't handle this.

I couldn't even watch The Green Mile.

Relax. This is play-jail.

It's not like we're doing real time.

Just put on your game face.

I don't have a game face.

Unless the game is "I Give Up, My Life Is Over",

then this will do.

Well, do something

because that's about to get wiped off your face

by the bruiser covered in tattoos

making her way to us right now.

Hey. You guys signing up for the talent show?

Excuse me?

Yeah. Some of us have been in here for days

due to prison overcrowding.

So the guards let us put on a show.

As long as nobody dies.

Wow, prison has changed.

Maybe I have a Norman Rockwell idea of prison,

but what happened to shanking a snitch in the food line?

Oh, a talent show, that's not scary at all.

You know, I won my yacht club talent show

three years in a row, in the ten to 13 division.

That's crazy. I'm looking at ten to 13 for grand theft auto.

Where are my manners? I'm Tanaya.

I'm Max. This is Caroline.

But you can call us by our gang names,

White Lightning and The Blade.

Sophie, I need you to bail me and Caroline out of jail.

We got charged with breaking and entering,

which is also what Caroline let a guy do to her

and that's why we're here.

Oh, jeez, Max. I mean, that's a tough call.

I mean, I don't know if I can.

Yeah, it's really not my thing.

You know, man?

I get it. I deserved that.

I said no to you, so you're saying no to me.

Like the old saying, "Tit for bigger tat."

Yeah. Mmm.

All right, let's see.

I would bail my maid of honor out of jail.

Fine. Fine. I'll be your maid of honor.

I'll buy you penis straws

and those glasses where the nose is a penis.

Yeah. And the penis-shaped pasta?

I'll do it all.

I can handle the slammer

but Caroline doesn't stand a chance.

I saw a woman looking at her like she's a cartoon pork chop.

Okay. Well, I'll see you soon. And watch your back.

You know what? It's a ladies' prison, so watch your front.

-Is this your card? -No.

-(GASPING) -Yes!

Yes, that's my card. Amazing.

Okay. What'd I miss?

The magic show and the improv troupe.

They asked the audience for a word.

I said, "Help."

Sophie's coming down with bail money,

as soon as her turkey is out of the oven.

So four, four and a half hours, depending on the stuffing.

Thank God. Wait. Bail for both of us, right?

That wasn't her original offer.

But after some negotiating, we got there.

What did you have to do to--

Max, you didn't agree to--

Yup. Picture me in something low-cut and peach.

A slutty peach.

You'd do that for me? I'm touched and shocked.

I thought you'd have forgotten me,

had sex with the door guard,

and been halfway across the parking lot by now.

Yeah, well, he wasn't into me, so...

Walk of shame, party of two.

Girls, I heard you got locked up.

Yup. We have to do 30 hours of community service

and Caroline won six minutes of privacy

on the toilet in the talent show.

Well, not so private.

I had to tinkle while a woman in work boots

made heavy eye-contact.

I went to prison once

for being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Meaning, I was down south.

Look who's back from the big house.

Every house is a big house for you, Han.

Watch your step, ex-con,

or I'll get them to haul you back in

for impersonating a waitress.

I can't believe I'm saying this but I missed this place.

When I was up in the pen, doing time with my girl, Tanaya--

Well, orange you the new black?

So did you two have fun in ladies' prison?

And tell me, is it anything like

the 17 triple X movies I have with that title?

Okay, so I lost two of my best rings.

So I'm out $11.

I realized I'm tougher than I thought.

I sang in prison. I had a one-night stand.

I'm practically Johnny Cash.

Well, Johnny No Cash.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

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