Original subtitles

Max, thanks for agreeing to get in the spirit

and do holiday cupcakes.

So much better than last year when you go so drunk

you turned the 12 days of Christmas

into the 12 steps of Christmas.

Yeah, well, I finally gave in.

Christmas is like herpes.

No matter what you do, it's gonna flare up once a year.

Aw, you made a Feliz Navidad cupcake.

I'm muy proud of you.

And I think we're gonna make muy mucho moola

when Manuel comes mañana.

You're the only person I know who seems whiter speaking Spanish.

"Feliz Navidad" for our Spanish speaking friends.

And for kids raised like me, "Feliz He's-not-your-dad."

And then, "Joy To The World" for the normals,

and for the hipsters, "Joint To The World."

For the kids, "Frosty The Snowman."

And for you, "Frosty With No Man."

Well, I didn't see Jack Frost nipping at your nips either.

Here, this one's my favorite.

"Santa Claus Is Coming"--

Max, stop right there.

No, that was it. He's coming.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

-Earl, change please. -"Earl, change please."

A phrase I heard from both my ex-wives.

Wow! You have more Christmas cards than Oscar Pistorius had excuses.

What can I say, Max? I spread a lot of goodwill.

It's also where I get all of my shirts.

Here you go. Have a nice holiday.

My two kids love this time of year.

And next Christmas, there will be three.

It's a boy.

My husband was so happy

when I called him in Afghanistan.

Man, this time of year,

people are easier than a fat girl in a tube top.

Great. We can use this money

to order more of our cupcake T-shirts.

No, we are using that to buy people Christmas gifts.

I was really looking forward to giving someone something

that wouldn't require the follow-up penicillin shot.

We need more shirts. These are really selling.

The guy at table four said it's the perfect gift for a girl

you're not in love with, just strictly banging.

He bought three.

Well, I happen to know for a fact

that everyone here's getting us stuff.

Han came in with a small package today

and also he was carrying a gift bag.

We'll find some money for the gifts.

People aren't expecting anything big.

Happy holidays.

People just got the nothing big they were expecting.

Gather, please.

I have a very special gift for all my diner employees.

Health insurance?

Come on, it's Christmas time, not crazy time.

It's art. It's a one of a kind silk screen.

I did it by hand.

I figured that's how you always have to do it.

Han, it's the diner. This is amazing.

Open the door.

I put something behind it that reminds me of each of you.

Mine has Sophie.

Mine has a saxophone.

Mine has a cupcake.

Mine has a chainsaw.

(IMITATES CHAINSAW)

Hey, everybody.

Holiday shopping tip. Fill a Starbucks cup with vodka.

Also good for waitressing.

Sophie, were you Christmas shopping?

SOPHIE: You know I was.

Power strips.

Oh, good. You got surge protectors.

Wow! That's the first time protection's ever been used in your apartment.

Well, my Christmas village needs 75,000 watts.

And that's just to work my candy cane helicopter.

Sophie's been so busy

with the Polish Society Decorating Contest.

We haven't had sex in days.

Well, I got to beat my nemesis, Felka Bobenski.

She wins every year.

She's like the Modern Family of Christmas decorations.

You know who's having a blue Christmas this year?

My balls.

I love this city at the holidays.

Yeah, the urine's all frozen so you can't really smell it.

Manhattan is the best place to buy quality Christmas gifts.

We have $40.

Now, where are those duffel bags full of stolen electronics

sold for half the price by Nairobi refugees?

Well, we better find them soon

or I'm gonna give up and go to Radio Shack

like everyone else who goes to Radio Shack.

Oh, my God, Max. My childhood bank.

You had a childhood bank? I didn't even have a childhood.

Come on, let's go.

I stop in every few months

to get caught on the security cameras,

so people will think I'm still in the mix.

Trying to get caught on security cameras?

Whoa! We are different.

Yeah, we'll just go in and while we're in here,

well, I don't know, ask for a business loan.

We are not getting a business loan.

You tricked me into coming to the city.

At least knock me out

and put me in the trunk like a person.

Okay, I hear you. No loan.

But can we at least go in there

so I can get a hit off some vault fumes

and a complimentary Christmas cocoa?

Yeah, I want one too.

It's so cold out here my bra is suing my nipples for assault.

I'd say we ask for $15,000.

So close I almost smelled 100.

What is with you?

If I wanted you to keep lying to me, I'd date you.

Max, we need more capital

so we can buy our shirts in bulk,

and then, if we work even harder,

we can double our profit.

Okay, we won't pass even the credit check.

According to my Social Security number,

I died in a boat explosion years ago.

This is the time to apply.

Bankers have more guilt at Christmas time

because of It's A Wonderful Life.

And also because they're Jewish.

I'm the one with the business degree

and you have to trust me on this.

You know what? You're right.

You're the business genius. What do I know?

-Let's go get that loan. -Thank you.

Yeah, I should have known that was too good to be true.

Max, come on.

The bank's there. Our shirt's in here.

Let's just go in, show them and apply for that loan.

-Please. Please. Please. -No. No. No.

And that right there

was a little something called us asking for a bank loan.

-Now let's go. -I'm not leaving here

until you tell me what the underlying issue is.

I'm not in love with you anymore.

Max, be serious.

This whole T-shirt was your idea.

-What's the real problem? -That's the problem.

Those shirts were my idea

and nothing that comes from me is worth $15,000.

Aside from that baby I sold on E-baby.

Max, I know these T-shirts are a money-maker.

I have a money-maker and that's not it.

I can prove it.

Look, this is Rodney,

my childhood over-priced clothing store.

If I had known we were going on the childhood tour today,

I would have worn more comfortable shoes

and stayed home.

See the shirt on the mannequin? At least $200.

And there's no reason we can't sell ours

for just as much. I'll show you. Follow me.

Okay, I will. But not on Instagram because you're out of control.

This place is fancy

and I've been to the new Port Authority in Newark.

Just trust me, okay?

You need to jump on those Wang pumps

or like Ben Affleck, they will be "Gone Girl."

Let me do the talking. I speak his language.

And what language is that? Portu-gays?

Hello, ladies. Welcome to Rodney.

I'm Barry.

Doing a little holiday shopping?

We're not allowed to say Christmas.

As a matter of fact, we're doing a little holiday selling.

-Oh, you're selling. -Yeah.

Got it. Molly? Coke?

BARRY: Not that I'm interested.

I've been clean since Fire Island 2010.

And 2012.

It must be hard to not be high and be you.

Because it's hard for me

to just be near you and not be high.

Yeah, you get it, girl.

Actually, we wanted to see if you'd be interested

in selling one of our fabulous graphic T-shirts.

No, no, no. All sorts of no, okay?

As much as I love a fez, a caftan and a teenage boy,

this isn't Morocco.

That's a really long and boring version of "no."

It's like you just did "no." The One Woman Show.

-Here's our T-shirt-- -Look.

I'll tell you two what I said to a young Marc Jacobs.

Stop offering, I'm off the junk.

Merry Holiday.

I'll show Mary a holiday.

Our shirts are just as good as these.

He just needs to see it.

Here, hold this.

What are you? American Psycho?

As soon as someone says no to you,

you start dismembering women.

I can't get her shirt off.

Tell her she can spend the night

and you'll buy her a waffle in the morning.

Okay, hand me our shirt.

I think this is gonna be big for us.

You also think Michael Bublé rocks.

I have to hurry. Barry is coming. Barry is coming.

I'm guessing mostly with strangers.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Ser-i-ous-ly?

So cute.

And look on the back, "Cream Filled."

Funny. People will think I have a personality.

Barry, put this with my other stuff. How much?

Three hundred.

Forget the sober story. That guy is high.

I'll take ten.

They'll make great Hanukkah gifts

for my friends who don't hate their arms.

All our shirts just got bought by a rich dead lady.

I'll need 30 more by Friday.

Yes, I'm still holding.

I need to place a rush T-shirt order.

No, no, no. Don't put me on hold again.

I've been through seven rounds of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

And she just got run over again.

Now that we have all this crazy gay T-shirt money,

I think we should up the prices on these gifts.

So we agree, we're getting Earl a car.

Sophie is getting the country house

with the lake she's always wanted.

Max, Rodney is selling our shirts for $300,

but we only get $25 of that.

And you can't buy a house for $750. It's not Detroit.

Yes, hi, hi, hi. Finally a person.

I need 50 T-shirts by Friday.

But your business card says you guarantee next-day delivery.

Oh, you can't guarantee that guarantee?

Okay. Now, Oleg.

What do you get a man who has nothing,

but shows you everything?

What do you mean "Is there anything else

you can help me with?" When did you help me at all?

And I'm beginning to think if Grandma works for you,

she didn't get run over by that reindeer,

she threw herself under a sleigh.

So, Sophie's getting a Snapple.

Like last year.

Max, we can't give up. We can do them ourselves.

We just need someone else to do them.

Come on, let's go.

There are customers who have been here

since Robin Thicke was relevant.

Wait a minute, Han.

You silk-screened all those beautiful cards.

You have an artistic side.

Yeah, but no backside. And a front side

that shouldn't be allowed outside.

(IMITATES CHAINSAW)

Why is this taking so long?

You did all those Christmas cards.

Aren't small creatures supposed to be fast?

Truth be told,

those were supposed to be ready last year.

But, what was the rush? You two weren't going anywhere.

Han, just a simple "yes" or "no." No judgment.

Have you had sex with this machine?

The only thing worse than you two working for me

is me working for you. You haven't even given me water.

Water is for closers.

By closers, I mean people who actually make clothes.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Who's that?

Han, did you call Child Protective Service on us?

Because those bruises could be from anyone.

Han, you've only made one shirt in two hours.

And it's a masterpiece.

Do you want one Citizen Kane or 30 Here Comes the Booms?

Guys, I need your help.

Sophie's right behind me and needs some cheering up.

I haven't seen her this depressed

since she woke up mid-coitus last night.

Hi. Hi, girls. Merry Christmas.

Quick question:

If I were to turn on that oven and close all the windows, would I die?

Nope. Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here

next to Kim Jong-Only-Done-One.

Sophie, what's the problem?

Tell Han while he gets back to work.

And Han, pick up the pace

or I'm gonna start the pinching again.

I'm gonna lose the Christmas decorating contest.

Oh, I have nothing to live for.

Oh, Caroline, this is probably how you feel every day.

Sophie's competition made a live-action North Pole workshop

in front of her house.

Well, all I got upstairs is a light-up nativity

and $25,000 worth of Target Christmas decorations.

She blew five fuses last night.

I never thought I'd be jealous of a fuse.

Sophie, we really can't get into this now.

We are way behind with these T-shirts.

And these T-shirts are a once in a lifetime chance

for us to go to a new place with our business.

Yeah, I hear you, girls.

I mean, what am I doing here sitting

worrying about some silly contest?

It's Christmas.

Come on everybody.

We should all be helping the girls.

Really? That would be so amazing.

Sure.

And you wouldn't even have to pay me back

by letting me use your barn and your horse tomorrow night

for a live nativity scene,

which you would all have to be in.

Or something like that.

I think we just had a seasonal shake-down.

Han's doing the last one. We're gonna make it.

I can't believe you're in such a good mood with that beard.

Last week when you found those two chin hairs,

you weren't so chipper.

I'm just so happy I have new clothes.

Okay, final shirt.

Then I get you two out of my angel hair.

Han, you know, if it weren't for you,

we would have never gotten this done.

-You really are a little angel. -Yeah, you are.

But I'm still surprised you weren't cast as the baby.

Oh, I was asked, but I declined.

I spent ten years getting out of diapers.

I'm not getting back in.

Han, for your Christmas gift, I'll pretend I never heard that.

Places everybody. The judges are coming.

I'm ready. Joseph's ready.

Cabbage Patch Christ is ready. Come on.

What's with the cleavage?

I know. She's like the Not-So-Virgin Mary.

Angel, Shepherd, Lady with the beard,

come on, get in the stable.

"Stable"? The way we look it should be an unstable.

Everybody ready? I'm going to open the barn door.

Yeah, I think your barn door's already a little open.

Okay now, who am I again? Voltron?

I'm not gonna lie. One of the wise men

might have smoked some myrrh-ijuana.

That was a very nice Christmas gift, Max.

Thanks, Earl.

By the way, Sophie, the barn and us dressed like idiots?

That's your Christmas gift.

And hey, bang Oleg later. Oleg, that's your gift.

How did you know?

Before they come in,

let's just take a moment to look around

and really let in the true spirit of Christmas.

I don't remember writing you a monologue.

Shut up! Get your ass over by the horse!

Come on, Han. Hit the music.

(JINGLES BELLS PLAYS)

All right, everybody, look holy.

Best I can do is my underwear.

Oh, crap.

That's right, Felka.

I'm the freaking mother of God.

We won. I'm so happy we won.

We won. We won.

Okay, show's over.

Dump the kid, I'll be upstairs.

Max, take care of Cabbage Patch Christ.

Here, Han. You got a buddy your own size.

Thank you so much, Barry.

And remember, I want 50 more shirts

after the first of the year when I'm back from rehab.

Because ladies, I am planning a very white Christmas.

Max, this is amazing.

Do you know what just happened in there?

Yeah, I stole some dope-ass fingerless gloves.

We're in business with them now. You have to bring those back.

-I got them for you. -Okay.

This is like a Christmas miracle.

Our shirts are being sold

in the most exclusive bitchy boutique in Manhattan

and they want more, lots more.

Hey, let's go into your childhood bank.

I need to take an adult pee.

Okay, but this isn't home,

so remember, put the seat down when you're done.

And while we're in there, we can apply for that loan.

No, no, no. We can't. Now I'm afraid.

Come on, what's the real issue here?

We just had this amazing success

and it looks like things are going our way.

And if we go in there, it could all be ruined.

You know what would ruin our lives even more?

If we don't get that loan

and have to spend hours with Han standing under us

trying to finish those shirts.

Well, that's a real Nightmare Before Christmas. Let's go.

Good, cause I'm starting to pee a little.

He gave us a loan.

Is everyone who works on the street high?

I can't believe it. It didn't go bad.

I'm getting everything I want.

Walk on the outside of the sidewalk.

I'm gonna get hit by a bus.

I mean, how could he give us a loan?

I didn't even have to flash my boobs.

Then why did you do it?

I don't know. They were making it rain.

I felt obliged.

-Max, do you have a dollar? -I don't know.

Do you have change for $10,000?

-Yeah, here. For what? -For those less fortunate.

Anne Hathaway's here?

Oh, my God. Look. Look.

Whoa! No way. No way.

Max, I have chills.

Well, it is snowing

and there's no fingers on those gloves.

I love these.

I'm sorry I didn't get you anything.

I'm just not a thief.

What do you mean you didn't get me anything?

You got me everything. Look.

(JINGLE BELLS CONTINUES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0