All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s04e01 Reality Problem

That's it for tonight.
Time to count the tip jar.

Hand condom.

I can't believe you.

Using protection
is so five years ago.

This is Williamsburg.

There's a good chance
even the dollars have herpes.

Well, if those singles have herpes,

they should just lie about it
until they get married

like everybody else does.

Oh, good, you're still open.

Oh, yes, we are.
What can I get you?

Everything in the register.

Oh, my God.
It's a hipster hold-up.

Hand it over. I have a gun.

Well, I have a death wish
so that's not gonna work.

Look, pal,

we work at this cupcake window
from 2:00 to 4:00, six nights a week

and that is after eight hours
of slinging hash

at the diner next door
for lousy minimum wage,

which a bunch
of rich politicians out in...

-Help me out.
-Washington.

What she said.
Don't wanna raise.

Then, we walk home to our
illegal one-bedroom apartment,

get three hours
of NyQuil-induced sleep

before we have to get back up

and share a bowl
of Spanish language Cheerios.

It's the same thing
but the "C" wears a sombrero.

So, no,

I am not about to give you
our hard-earned money.

And if you're gonna shoot me,
better aim good.

Because if you miss,
I will climb over this counter,

tear off your head
and it'll be our new tip jar.

Yeah, I just robbed Pizza Pizza.
Here's a 20. Have a good night.

I have a way with people.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Look, I just saw
that our cupcake competition,

Brooklyn Bitty Bites,
went out of business.

Yup, it's being changed
into a medical marijuana store.

I already have
my hole-punch card.

Buy four brownies
and the fifth buzz is free.

Brooklyn Bitty Bites bit it.
Yeah! We won!

Eat it, red-haired lady
and your Asian daughter.

Max, them going down

right after the death of the
cupcake giant, Crumbs, is scary.

It's like there's a serial killer
out there coming after cupcakes.

Well, he should be easy to outrun

because that'll
be one fat Dexter.

Seriously, we have a big problem.

-I'm back.
-And there's our little problem.

Wow, you don't usually see
the ventriloquist's dummy

out of his suitcase alone.

Hello, Earl.
Hello, Caroline.

Hello, reason I do
two hours of phone therapy

every Wednesday before work.

So, did you all miss me?

You were gone? Because I swear
I just saw you yesterday.

Wait, maybe that was a cat.

I was gone, people.

To San Francisco for a convention.

The restaurant
and diner association.

"RADASS."

You were at something called
"RADASS" in San Francisco?

Are you sure
it wasn't "REDASS"?

I am not gay.
I'm restaurant curious.

I discovered an exciting
new item for our menu.

No way.
No new menu additions.

I already lie awake in bed

worrying about how high
the food bar is here.

-(BELL RINGS)
-Pick up. Pulled pork.

And it's good
because before I pulled it,

I gave it a dry rub.

It's $4 toast.

$4 toast?

That's $5 more
than our toast is worth.

Delicious,
homemade artisan bread.

At first, I was reluctant

to put something so big
in my mouth.

But the hot butter
drizzling down my chin...

...was my sticky reward.

Han, that toast
is trendy foodie food.

It'll die here,
like my soul did.

Our customers are just plain,
normal people.

Hey, everybody.

And Sophie.

Guess what?
78 guys want me on Tinder.

-(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
-Oh, 79. Ha! Now it's 80!

How long have you been
on Tinder?

-Ten minutes.
-(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Oh, look, oh, my gosh.
This guy's a plumber.

Are you kidding me?

-Yes, that's a match.
-(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

And this guy
isn't even wearing a shirt.

That's another big yes.

Oh! Oh, gosh, girls,
I'll be over here,

looking at boys in my booth.

Hey, I know a girl
who met her husband on Tinder.

No, wait,
she saw her husband on Tinder.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Hey, are wheelchairs sexy?

I guess it depends on who's in one.

I say no.

(PHONE CHIRPS)

Hold the presses.

I just got a new tweet
from my gal, Kim Kardashian.

Oh, she just bought her
some new boots in Manhattan.

Kim Kardashian is epic.

She was on the cover of Vogue.
She's on fire.

So? I've been on fire.

That's the last time I try witchcraft
for the free snacks.

I love the Kardashians.

They're like the Kennedys
but with bigger asses.

Text me next time!

This whole talking thing
is insane!

Hi.

Who would I talk to
about finding the owner

of Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

That's Max. I'm Caroline.
We're the owners of this store.

And about four pairs of socks.

Great. Wonderful.
Such a cute shop.

Would you be interested
in having a popular--

-Yes.
-I didn't finish my sentence.

Sorry, I just haven't heard
the word "popular" in so long.

Oh, yeah, she's over.

She's the Blockbuster video
of people.

Would you be interested

in having a popular
reality show filmed here? You...

-(CELLPHONE RINGS)
-(SIGHS)

I'm so sorry. I have
to take this. Just a minute.

What?
Just say it already. Come on.

Max, this is great.
Think of the exposure.

I wonder which reality show
it is.

Ooh, maybe 16 and Pregnant

is doing a
"Where Are They Now" segment

and they found me.

Or that one about you,
"Here Comes Honey Boobless."

Do you have any idea who I am?

You just do what I say
or you are out!

Okay. Mommy loves you.

Sorry, my baby's Nigerian.

I mean, if you're gonna live here,
learn the language. Jeez.

So, what are we thinking?

We'd love it. We're in.
What show?

Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Finally, God opens a door.

-And I'm closing a window.
-Max!

She's overwhelmed. Big fan.
Do you have a card?

Mm-hm. And listen, text me.
Don't call. It freaks me out.

Just give me one good reason

why we shouldn't keep up
with the Kardashians.

I'll give you five good reasons.

Kim, Kamber, Klondike...

And the little ones,
Krispy and Kreme.

-Not even close.
-Fine.

Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid,

and the little ones,
Kaptain and Kangaroo.

It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloe,
Kylie and Kendall.

That mother has some nerve,

naming a kid who's probably
never even read a book Kindle.

We need this.

Everyone watches
Keeping up with the Kardashians.

It's like Dancing with the Stars
but without the stars.

So Dancing with the Stars.

Okay, tell me one good thing
about this show that I hate

because I've never seen it.

Well, it's all about this family
and their struggle to...

...keep up.

Yeah, okay.
I've never seen it either.

Sophie, thank you so much

for letting us come up
after work to watch your TV.

Max turned our old one into a bong.

That was another time I was on fire.

Well, which episode
do you want to watch?

"Kim gets a new hat."
Or "Kylie cries at Coachella"?

Or "Khloe gets a bikini wax"?
Now that one's a classic.

How many of these
do you have DVR'd?

Well, I got 17 on this TV

and 53 on the one
in the bedroom.

I like to go to sleep
with the sound of Kim's voice.

It's so comforting when she says,

(MIMICS KIM)
"This is super awkward."

And you know, sometimes
she arches her back

when she says it, like this.

"This is super awkward."

This is super awkward.

You know, I bet you
if I stayed in Poland,

my sisters and I would have had
our own show.

It would've been called
Keeping up with the Kachinskis.

It's too bad
we all didn't live to see 20.

(NOISE AND CHATTER ON TV)

(TV SOUNDS CONTINUE)

Hey, get the hell out.
It's morning.

I know, I know, but we couldn't
stop watching them do nothing.

This show is freaking genius.

Is the blonde one crying?

Mm-hm.
Kris and Kim are in Vienna

and someone stole
Kris's Bottega bag

and her Chanel clutch

with the matching pumps
that she bought in Paris.

All right, well, I have to go
take my morning tinkle.

But when I come back,

I want you two to be out of here

because I need that swing
for my exercises.

We have to do this show.

It'll be so great for our business.

The only way we'd get more exposure

is if Orlando Bloom and Bieber
bitch slapped each other

in front of our shop.

Who cares about our business?
I want that mother to adopt me.

Her kid makes a sex tape,
she turns it into millions.

The only thing my mom ever did
with my sex tape was copy it

and give it to her boyfriend.

I'm so excited.

Max, this is what I look like
when I'm happy.

You've never seen it.

Please call me
by my new name,

Khlamydia Kardashian.

Don't say anything stupid like that.

I won't have to say anything.

Kris will see me

and recognize me as one of her own

with my lips, my boobs

and my willingness to live
in some place called Calabasas.

They're here.
My life changes now.

This is what I look like happy.
You've never seen it.

Hi, we are so, so excited
about this.

There has been a change.
They're not coming.

It's too far to walk in heels.

See? She might as well
have been my real mom

because she just chose
a heel over me.

Hi, here I am to meet Kiki,
my BFF.

And look at my new dress.
Twinsies.

They certainly are.

Sorry, she's not coming.

We had to film them
in Jamba Juice instead.

Oh.

(MIMICS KIM)
Well, this is super awkward.

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

Stupid Kardashians!

Kim, Kankels, Krank,

and the little ones,
Kegel and Kickball,

you can kiss my keister.

(CLATTERING)

Max, stop it.
I'm trying to sleep.

Well, sorry, but I'm pissed
and it's 11:30 anyway,

what's going on?

Even one tweet from Kim

would have exposed us
to 22 million followers.

Scientology doesn't even have
those numbers.

-They screwed us.
-I know.

That is why
I'm making hate cupcakes

for the Kardashians, see?

"Eat It," "Bite Me," and these
three, "Get," "A," "Job".

And one for the mom that says,
"I still love you" just in case.

Now come on, get up.

Your son needs to go out
and take an 8-foot crap.

No, I'm done.

If everyone's done
with cupcakes, so am I.

I'm done pretending that
everything's gonna work out.

In our reality show, it's not.

Look, get up, or I will close
this bed with you in it,

and your new reality show will
be True Life: I Live in a Wall.

I'm not getting up. Ever.

(SCREAMS)

Max, stop, stop it! Stop it!
Put me down! Put me down!

What's happening?

I can't lift my head.
Did I have a stroke?

Calm down.

No one has stroked
in your bed since...

What is it, going on a year?

Max. My hair is caught.

My hair is caught!
My hair is caught!

-Who are you yelling at?
-The whole situation.

-Do something.
-Let me look.

(SOBBING)

Oh, yeah, it's all caught up
in the bed gears here.

Oh, my God,
I have a bed with gears

and my hair is caught in it!

Ooh, nope. It's really
all stuck up in there.

It's so odd.

I don't know how a thing
like this could happen.

Uh, you put me up into the wall.

And now I'm trapped
in a Murphy bed

like some welfare Rapunzel.

Stop panicking,
I'll get us scissors.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Get the scissors.

Then plunge 'em into my heart

because I'd rather die
than cut my hair.

Okay, Max, I think I have
something that might work,

but you have to promise me

that you will never
bring this up again.

What? The fact that your head
is stuck to your bed?

Sorry, that's coming up again.

Go into my nightstand

and get my cinnamon-flavored
make-up remover.

You mean the lube?

Can we please call it
make-up remover?

Please. I need us to do that.

It's almost empty.

Man, you've removed
a lot of make-up.

Stop it. Just squeeze some out

and put it on the parts
that we need to move.

Yeah, I'm familiar.

(GROANS)

(SOBS)

Please tell me it's working.

I'm trying, but I don't think
I can get your hair out.

Good news is, I think
we can fit a penis in there.

(KNOCKING)

Who could that be?

A rapist we've done
most of the work for.

Oh, we were just talking
about you.

Max, you gotta help me
with the bread for Han's toast.

I've already burned 10 of these.

Turns out the only thing
I can successfully bake is meth.

Oleg, come to the bed.
I need you.

All right.

Only took you four years,
but I'm here, baby.

No, it's not like that, Oleg.

-Just get over here.
-Okay. Hold this.

(BREAD THUDS LOUDLY)

Earl, what are you doing here?

Oleg called me
when he couldn't get Caroline

to stop the screaming.

Hi, Max.
Earl gave me part of a brownie.

Turns out, glaucoma
and having hair stuck

take the exact
same prescription.

Look.
That's right, you mothers.

I did it.
I made the perfect bread.

You're a chef who took 19 hours
to make one loaf of bread.

Stephen Hawking
was more successful

at the 100-yard dash.

And you...

You are aware that I went
all the way into Manhattan,

cupcake-bombed
Kim Kardashian's hotel,

and you're still
just laying here, right?

-Didn't you have to pee?
-I held most of it in.

This is crazy.
You've been here all day.

Let's just cut
your damn hair already.

I wouldn't be me
without my hair.

I can't live without it.

Yes, you can.

You have lived without money,

you've lived
without electricity,

you've lived without plumbing.

What do you think
got me through it? My hair.

I'd be like, "Lost all my money,
the toilet's clogged,

still got my hair."

(KNOCKING)

Darling, I don't think
those brownies are kicking in.

I also have some lollipops.

I hope you're happy.

I didn't see anything
through the peep-hole,

so I'm guessing it's Han.

Uh, hello?

I have an open diner
and no diner staff.

Han, look, I made perfect bread.

Oh, wow.
It's bigger than I'm used to.

Let me just take a minute
and breathe.

And I'm sure
I can take it all in.

Well, if you need any help,

Caroline's got
some make-up remover.

Kiki tweet, Kiki tweet,
Kiki tweet.

She's saying "Kiki tweet".

How did he understand that?
Is he part dolphin?

Kim Kardashian tweeted a pic
of my mean cupcakes

and said, "Max's Homemade
Cupcakes hashtag not cool."

(GIGGLING)

Oh, my God. Kim Kardashian
hates someone I know.

That went out
to 22 million people.

-I'm so sorry.
-Why?

Do you know how many people
can't stand the Kardashians?

Our cupcake window
will be packed. Cut me loose.

Hey, Caroline,
we're finally about to scissor.

-Are you sure?
-We got a business to run.

Cut it, I'll be fine.

(SCREAMS)

Yeah, you're gonna need
that lollipop.

Yeah, I know, those Kardashians
are the worst.

That's why I don't keep up
with them anymore.

All right, Max.
Okay, that's it.

Just one left. Not bad.

And your hair's not bad either.

Yeah, now, after the
emergency trip to that salon.

When you got done with me,
I looked like a baby bird on chemo.

I'm sorry I had to use the last
of our savings for my hair cut.

-No, you're not.
-No, I am not, I love this.

Hi, I'm Kim.

(BOTH GASP)

I just wanted to say sorry

that we didn't film here
the other day.

It almost hurts to look at her.

I know how hard us girls really work
to keep our businesses going,

so I'll take a cupcake

and I'll totally tweet about it for real.

Thank you so much.
Here, here, here.

Oh.

We can't break a $100

and anyway,
this is so on the house.

Oh, thanks.

Cute hair.

Wait. Real quick.

Do you think your mother
would adopt me?

This is super awkward.

(BOTH GIGGLE GIDDILY)

(CONTINUE GIGGLING)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0