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1
00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:04,880
Whoever tipped me in Monopoly money
can go directly to jail.
2
00:00:05,798 --> 00:00:07,008
A dollar?
3
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:10,144
Fake money
and they're still under-tipping.
4
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:20,062
Oh, look. I love it when people dress
guinea pigs up in adorable costumes.
5
00:00:21,439 --> 00:00:26,229
Han, you look like Babe Ruth.
Well, baby Ruth.
6
00:00:26,736 --> 00:00:31,106
Maybe you two can kiss my sweet ass
because this outfit's a home run.
7
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,033
I'm putting a team together
for the restaurant league.
8
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:38,831
Well, Han, I would play,
but, you know, I got this hip thing.
9
00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:41,457
Meaning, I'm too hip.
10
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:45,209
What about you two?
I'm telling you, I'm a great ball player.
11
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:47,470
No, I'm a great ball player.
12
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:51,261
I know how to cup
and tickle mine at the same time.
13
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:55,219
I'm talking about
America's favorite pastime.
14
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,519
Oh, so am I.
15
00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,848
Well, I'm in. I have a really good arm.
16
00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:05,901
Go over there, Han.
Let's have a little catch.
17
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,736
All right, here we go. All right.
18
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:11,823
Go deep. Go deeper, Han.
19
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:16,119
A phrase no other woman
will ever say to him.
20
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,251
Throw it,
and don't be afraid to bring the heat.
21
00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:28,508
Too much heat.
22
00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:32,221
Ball one and two. Game over.
23
00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:36,056
I seem to have forgotten a crucial part
of my uniform.
24
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,267
Need a cup, Han?
25
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,200
You ladies can wait in here.
26
00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:57,405
Brian, before my father comes in,
how are his spirits?
27
00:01:57,575 --> 00:02:00,995
You know, for someone who's looking
at 60 to 100 years in prison.
28
00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:03,922
Pretty good. I'll bring him right in.
29
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:08,042
-Hey, Bri, anyone get killed today?
-You ask me that every time, Max.
30
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,301
And every time I tell you,
it's a white-collar prison.
31
00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:15,217
Got it. Anyone get shanked
with a Montblanc pen?
32
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:17,562
Yo, B, one more thing.
33
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:21,061
On Lockup: Raw they spray guards
with a mixture of urine and feces--
34
00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:24,194
Max, please. Can we go one day
without you mentioning that?
35
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:28,110
I wonder why my dad wanted us
to rush out here and see him today.
36
00:02:28,274 --> 00:02:30,734
-He probably wants a conjugal visit.
-Max.
37
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,651
Relax. With me.
38
00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:38,371
There they are.
The light of my life and her bouncer.
39
00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:41,203
-Hi, Daddy.
-Hey.
40
00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:44,540
-Max.
-Oh, we starting this? No foreplay?
41
00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:46,079
MARTIN:
Oh.
42
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:51,460
Listen, I'm sorry to make you come
all the way out here...
43
00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:56,719
...on the, God help me, subway,
but I actually needed a favor.
44
00:02:58,596 --> 00:03:00,176
(WHISPERS)
Help me break out.
45
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:02,846
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I'm kidding.
46
00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:06,267
Daddy, it's so amazing you can joke,
but maybe not around Max.
47
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:10,567
She's already offered to skin a guard alive
and walk you out of here wearing him.
48
00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:13,486
Well, we know it works.
49
00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:17,571
All right, listen. This woman who used
to work for me is being paid $1 million...
50
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:20,120
...to write a tell-all book about me.
51
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:24,663
A million dollars? How much can I get
for a tell-all book about Caroline?
52
00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:27,579
Chapter one: Sleep Farts.
53
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,205
Max, please, can we go one day
without you mentioning that?
54
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:35,261
The woman's name is Sandra Rosenthal.
Caroline, do you remember her?
55
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:38,804
Yes, the one who lied on her résumé,
the one who couldn't even add.
56
00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:42,928
And worse than that,
she wore brown with black together.
57
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:47,018
-I like brown and black together.
-I know.
58
00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:50,399
Wait, why would anybody pay
that woman so much?
59
00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,475
-What is she saying she has?
-She's claiming she was fired...
60
00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:56,651
...because she had insider information
about the Ponzi scandal.
61
00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:59,319
And that we were sleeping together,
which we weren't.
62
00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:00,530
Of course you weren't.
63
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:04,039
You would never sleep with someone
who wore brown with black together.
64
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:08,923
Man, I haven't seen this much hatred
toward brown and black since the '50s.
65
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:11,093
I wanted you to hear it from me first.
66
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:15,211
She's about to go on Piers Morgan Live
and she can say whatever she wants.
67
00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:18,091
No, she can't
because I'll be there to refute her lies.
68
00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:20,257
I'll defend you with dignity and class...
69
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,557
...and my new lipstick
I just found on the subway.
70
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,314
Wow, Piers Morgan. That dude's legit.
71
00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:30,345
He's got his show,
he's got Piers One Imports.
72
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:33,435
I don't know what I'd without you,
princess.
73
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:36,029
You're the only person I can trust.
74
00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:40,362
Now, get out of here because I gotta
speak to Max privately for a second.
75
00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:42,741
-Oh. Sure. Okay, I--
-Just go.
76
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:45,658
Daddy wants to talk to me privately.
77
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,161
-Love you, sweetie.
-Love you, Daddy.
78
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,539
Brian, I'll just be right outside.
79
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,207
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
80
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:57,842
-So, Max--
-You know I'm all talk, right?
81
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:03,140
I need you to tell Caroline something
I couldn't bring myself to say.
82
00:05:03,302 --> 00:05:08,022
This woman is also claiming
I have a small penis.
83
00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:14,765
Wait. So I stayed behind to see it?
84
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,027
No.
85
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:22,740
I want you to tell Caroline
so she'll be prepared...
86
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:26,036
...because I'm pretty sure
that's the lie that got the book sold.
87
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,041
How big of a lie?
88
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:32,875
Oh, a really big one.
89
00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,875
So, what did you
and my father talk about?
90
00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:41,548
I don't wanna tell you,
I'm uncomfortable.
91
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:43,546
You're uncomfortable?
92
00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:46,718
This must be bad. You've never been
uncomfortable in your life.
93
00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:49,019
Is it drugs? Cancer?
94
00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:52,603
Did he fall in love in prison?
I'll be fine with it, you can tell me.
95
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,609
When we had money,
I was very active...
96
00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,981
...in the Park Avenue Straights
for Gay Doormen Alliance.
97
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:02,322
(MEN WHOOPING)
98
00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:07,368
Is this some kind of weird gang
or did a game just let out?
99
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,333
Max, come on, tell me.
100
00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:12,535
Fine. The woman's gonna say
your father has a small--
101
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:13,956
(HORN TOOTING)
102
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:18,553
Sir, your vuvuzela is very loud
and very 2010.
103
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,625
My father has a what?
104
00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:21,958
He has a small--
105
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,262
(HORN TOOTING)
106
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,375
Seriously, the game's over.
107
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,392
And how on earth you have
a wedding ring is beyond me.
108
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,385
What is she gonna say about him?
109
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,767
(HORNS TOOTING)
110
00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:33,521
I can't hear you!
111
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:38,475
She's going to say,
"Your father has a small penis!"
112
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:43,034
He thought it'd be less awkward
if I told you. Was it?
113
00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:46,824
I can't believe that Sandra Rosenthal
woman. There's another lie.
114
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,370
-Why, have you seen it?
-No, I haven't seen it.
115
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:52,204
I never wanna see it.
Have you seen your father's penis?
116
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,710
If I did, it was waving goodbye.
117
00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:01,339
Max, I've thought a lot about it
and I can't sit there...
118
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:04,934
...while that woman waves
my father's penis in Piers Morgan's face.
119
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:09,684
You're lucky it's not Anderson Cooper
because he'd be giggling up a storm.
120
00:07:10,139 --> 00:07:13,729
I have a plan. My goal on this show
is gonna be to discredit that woman...
121
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:16,771
...and tell people,
even though my father did a bad thing...
122
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:20,977
...he did some wonderful things as well.
Look, here he is working with UNICEF.
123
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,529
Here he is rebuilding Haiti.
124
00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:27,414
Aw. This is a cute picture of him water-skiing
at a charity event on Lake Tahoe.
125
00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:31,581
What's the charity,
White Men Without Golf Clubs?
126
00:07:31,869 --> 00:07:34,949
That's my plan. Hopefully,
going on that show will put an end...
127
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,502
...to all these ridiculous rumors
about my father.
128
00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:40,707
Hey, Caroline.
129
00:07:43,547 --> 00:07:48,467
Yeah. The word on the street
is your dad's got a wee-nis.
130
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:52,007
-Sophie, how did you hear about that?
-Oleg, told me.
131
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,433
It came up on my Google Penis Alerts.
132
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,100
I like to keep current,
see what the trends are.
133
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,269
You don't wanna be
that middle-aged guy...
134
00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:03,019
...wearing the same penis
you had in high school.
135
00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:08,069
Great. Now it's all over the Internet and
my shoulders are all up around my ears.
136
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:11,487
Look, I'm too tense to even
shake my head no at that liar woman...
137
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,698
...which was gonna be my key move.
138
00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:16,869
I need a massage but I'm broke.
139
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,423
Caroline, I'll give you a massage.
140
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:22,542
Get ready for a sad ending.
141
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,802
And beginning and middle.
142
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:30,129
There. Oh, yeah.
143
00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:32,302
How does that feel?
144
00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:36,731
Like baby spiders are dancing
on my shoulders.
145
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:41,517
You're the first Asian I've seen
that can't give a massage.
146
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:49,612
Hey, Caroline, I'll treat you and Max
to a massage at my fancy spa.
147
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,659
Cool, I've never been to a spa.
148
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,872
The closest I've been
is sticking my arm...
149
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,083
...in the free blood-pressure machine
at Walgreens.
150
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,457
Wait, that's for your arm?
151
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,379
Thanks for the massage.
It was very nice--
152
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,837
Oh, you're still doing it. I had no idea.
153
00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:18,766
That was amazing.
154
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:23,733
I mean, a guy rubbed me for an hour
and didn't expect anything back?
155
00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:27,323
This massage stuff could catch on.
156
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,985
I could not let go during my massage.
157
00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:33,873
Oh, was letting go an option?
158
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,663
I was close
but I didn't wanna be halfway there...
159
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,826
...and have the management throw me.
160
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,115
I'm just so tense. Piers Morgan asks
some difficult questions.
161
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,580
Last week, he asked
the Spring Breakers cast...
162
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,170
...their thoughts
on the North Korea situation.
163
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,471
-Shh!
-Sorry.
164
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:53,471
Max, this is a quiet room.
We have to be quiet.
165
00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:55,894
Hi, girls!
166
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,224
I'm getting myself some fancy water.
167
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:02,980
Look, they've got lemon, orange,
and cucumber.
168
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:07,944
-Ha. It's like a slot machine over here.
-Shh!
169
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:17,735
I just had the best bamboo massage.
170
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:19,698
Oh, they kept whacking me with it...
171
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:24,710
...until I confessed to stealing
that bread when I was 7.
172
00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:27,455
Oh, what a load off.
173
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,093
Caroline, you still look a little tense.
174
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:35,295
But I guess having to talk about your
father's junk on national television...
175
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,929
...will do that to a girl.
176
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,976
I will not be speaking about
my father's junk on television.
177
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:48,020
No, I can't have lunch tomorrow.
I'm doing Piers Morgan Live .
178
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,526
CAROLINE:
You won't believe what just happened.
179
00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:55,453
You joined a demonic cult?
180
00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:58,534
Sandra, the liar writing the tell-all book,
just walked in.
181
00:10:58,700 --> 00:10:59,700
(MAX GASPS)
182
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,158
She's getting a day of beauty too?
183
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:05,708
This is like the gayest training
for a fight ever.
184
00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:07,884
Sandra?
185
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:09,673
Right this way.
186
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,466
Lay face down. I'll give you
a few minutes and I'll be right back in.
187
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:17,221
Perfect. I really need this massage.
Promoting my new book is exhausting.
188
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,045
I'm sorry if that sounded braggy.
189
00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:22,601
I guess that's how you sound
when things are going so great for you.
190
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,677
Poor masseuse is gonna be forced...
191
00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:28,271
...to listen to her yammer on
about her dumb book.
192
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,687
Then again,
mine had to hear me constantly say:
193
00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:33,026
"Don't be afraid of the boobs."
194
00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:38,740
We should be hearing about that dumb
book so I know what I'm up against.
195
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,327
If there was only a way
to get in that room.
196
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:46,906
Oh. Anyone can get into any room
if they really want to.
197
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:52,501
I mean, do you think that I was invited
to the audition for the 2004 boat show?
198
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:56,882
Yeah. Go.
I'll take care of that masseuse.
199
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,089
Sophie, you're not gonna hurt her,
right?
200
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,810
No. I'm gonna try tipping her first.
201
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:13,320
I'm back.
202
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:18,532
Yes, I was just out in the hall with you
and now here I am in the room with you.
203
00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:20,987
The same person.
204
00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:25,788
Just keep your head down,
don't look up and relax.
205
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:30,960
-You're not gonna talk a lot, are you?
-No, but you should feel free to.
206
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:34,085
Whatever's on your mind,
or in that book.
207
00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,456
(CHIMES RINGING)
208
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,919
SANDRA: What--? What was that?
-That?
209
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,431
That's just me, alone...
210
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:43,554
...creating a healing space
with energy and sound.
211
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:44,811
(CHIMES RINGING)
212
00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:47,482
Lots of sound.
213
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,345
So you're writing a big book.
214
00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:52,899
Do you wanna tell me all about that?
215
00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:55,193
SANDRA:
Well, it's about this guy Martin Channing.
216
00:12:55,357 --> 00:13:00,697
Oh, he is very nice
and very respectable.
217
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:04,834
You won't think that after you read my
book. I am really gonna stick it to him.
218
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,953
Okay, now you're just pushing me. Oh!
219
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,461
Uh-- How did you--?
220
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,511
I....
221
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:23,303
How--? How did you do that?
It feels like you have three hands.
222
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,682
That's how good I am.
223
00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:32,901
SANDRA: This is supposed to be
a hot-stone massage.
224
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,562
Coming right up.
225
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:36,613
(CHIMES RINGING)
226
00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,567
The hot stones.
227
00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:42,696
(CHIMES RINGING)
228
00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:50,706
All right, here come the hot stones.
229
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:54,291
SANDRA:
Oh!
230
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:58,880
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's nice.
I'm really loosening up.
231
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:02,297
Oh, well, then let's loosen you up
some more. More stones.
232
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,549
(MOUTHS)
No.
233
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:05,757
More stones.
234
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:12,562
SANDRA: Yeah, I got paid a lot of money
for my tell-all book...
235
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:15,856
...and I am really gonna tell all. Oh!
236
00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:19,532
Not there. Not there.
237
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,742
What--? What is going on in here?
238
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:25,873
What is happening here, Sandra,
is you're about to go on national TV...
239
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:29,242
...and tell America lies about my father.
He never slept with you.
240
00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:35,001
Oh, did he never sleep with me in your
bedroom, on your pink canopy bed?
241
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:39,375
You know what? That never happened.
That's insane. You're crazy.
242
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,876
It's my word against yours.
243
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,257
You're gonna be very embarrassed
on TV.
244
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:46,344
But not as embarrassed
as you're gonna be in the spa lobby...
245
00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:50,640
...when I tell everyone that I was touched
inappropriately by Caroline Channing.
246
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,927
You are not gonna tell anybody that.
247
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,520
Who's gonna stop me?
248
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:58,517
Hey, girls,
I was listening outside the door.
249
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,860
Everything okay?
250
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:10,912
Max, I don't know if I can do this.
What if Sandra's telling the truth?
251
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:14,206
She did know about my pink canopy
bed. How would she know that?
252
00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:17,381
Because everyone knows Barbie comes
with a dream car, a pony...
253
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:20,132
...and a pink canopy bed included.
254
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:24,724
There he is.
There's Piers Morgan. Live.
255
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:29,103
Do you think it's too soon to ask him
to give me a discount at Piers One?
256
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:33,018
He looks dignified,
like he's not gonna ask about a penis.
257
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,852
But what if he does?
Max, I can't do this.
258
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:37,649
Give me your phone.
259
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:41,152
You need to remind yourself
of the person your father used to be.
260
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:43,356
Look, here he is working with UNICEF.
261
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:47,105
And here he is water-skiing
on Lake Rich Person.
262
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,409
Look at that smile.
Is that the smile of--?
263
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:51,283
Hold up.
264
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,291
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
265
00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:56,155
What's coming out of the left leg
of his swim shorts?
266
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:00,535
I think your father's junk
is trying to tell me...
267
00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:02,960
...there's gonna be
six more weeks of winter.
268
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,172
What are you saying?
269
00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:11,720
I'm saying someone had a tip slip
and that is not a small tip.
270
00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:17,099
And as a waitress and a loose woman,
I know a small tip when I see one.
271
00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:19,976
-Here.
-Oh!
272
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:27,571
Sorry. Sorry. She just showed me a
picture of Anne Hathaway's new haircut.
273
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:33,327
Well, this is good
because it proves that woman is lying.
274
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,663
Yep. We just have to show this
to Piers.
275
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,748
I told you I'm not going near
my father's penis.
276
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:43,495
All I have to do is point out that
that woman has no finance skills.
277
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,799
Unlike her, we are taking the high road.
278
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,013
Max, are you sending that to yourself?
279
00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:55,472
I'm here with Sandra Rosenthal
who just signed a huge book deal...
280
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:58,929
...to do a kiss-and-tell on disgraced
financier, Martin Channing.
281
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:00,981
-Welcome to you, Sandra.
-Hello, Piers.
282
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,435
Thank you for allowing me
to tell my story.
283
00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:05,275
It's a story, all right.
284
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:07,942
Wow, so we're right into it.
Okay, let me catch up.
285
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:11,321
My other guest is Caroline Channing,
daughter of Martin Channing...
286
00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:13,829
...who, to put it mildly,
is claiming your book...
287
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:16,951
-...Ms. Rosenthal, is a bunch of bull.
-That's right, Piers.
288
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,659
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
"It's pure rubbish"...
289
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:20,499
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
...as your people say.
290
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,705
That was perfectly American.
291
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,420
Let me start with you.
To catch everybody up...
292
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,718
...Ms. Rosenthal's large book advance
has to do with something...
293
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:34,554
...that turned out to be, by your words,
very small. Comments, Ms. Channing?
294
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,062
MAX:
Psst!
295
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:37,353
Psst!
296
00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:41,266
I'd rather not comment about that,
Piers, because I have class.
297
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,435
But I have a question
for Ms. Rosenthal...
298
00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:47,225
...who was hired by my father because
she claimed she had a degree in finance.
299
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,440
Ms. Rosenthal,
if a train carrying 27 passengers...
300
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:54,532
...leaves Grand Central Station at 9 a.m.,
travels 800 miles to Chicago...
301
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:58,079
...arriving at 5 p.m.,
how fast was it traveling?
302
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,122
Well, I--
303
00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:01,748
Simple math, Piers.
304
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,464
-A hundred miles an hour.
-I'm sorry?
305
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:07,625
That's your answer.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a mathlete.
306
00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:09,126
Impressive.
307
00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:11,297
I've got a math equation for you.
308
00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:15,925
If a 3-inch train is entering a tunnel,
do I even know it's there?
309
00:18:17,387 --> 00:18:19,177
Ladies, this isn't Maury Povich.
310
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:21,427
Psst!
311
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:25,231
I'm simply trying to illustrate that
she should've been able to answer it...
312
00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:28,105
...had she been qualified
for her job in finance.
313
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,113
Everything that I'm writing
in the book is true, Piers.
314
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,698
There is nothing that I have said
that she can prove is untrue.
315
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:43,621
Wait a minute.
Why is there a woman under my desk?
316
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:45,789
Oh, is there, Piers?
317
00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:49,339
Yes, my father defrauded a lot of people,
and he's paying for that.
318
00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:51,263
But I'm not gonna sit by silently...
319
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,922
...while she exploits him with lies
for her own gain.
320
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:58,432
Piers, there's so much about my father
I want you to know. Like he--
321
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:06,064
What is this?
322
00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:09,396
Well, I know what it is. I've got one.
323
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,686
But whose is it,
and why am I looking at it?
324
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,027
It's my father's.
325
00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,454
He had a bit of a tip slip.
326
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,494
Madame, I don't know
what you're looking for in a man...
327
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:24,960
...but this is far from inadequate.
328
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:30,500
In fact, it's so far from inadequate
that I'm bringing this interview...
329
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:34,800
...to an immediate close.
Your book, and you, lack any credibility.
330
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:36,433
That's it.
331
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:45,561
"Can you hook me up with a discount
at Piers One Imports?"
332
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:52,475
They'll probably come to you one day
and want a tell-all book.
333
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:56,240
Remember, we already have
Chapter one, "Sleep Farts."
334
00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:59,623
Chapter two, "My New Step-Mom, Max."
335
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,747
Max, am I gonna have to defend
my father forever?
336
00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:05,953
Probably.
337
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,752
-But don't worry, I'll be there to help.
-Thank you.
338
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:12,206
Because it's a wife's job
to defend her husband.
339
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:16,803
It makes me sad to think he's gonna be
in prison for the rest of his life.
340
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:19,635
Don't think of it like that.
He's not just in prison.
341
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,061
He's in Africa working with UNICEF,
he's in Haiti...
342
00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:25,601
...he's water-skiing
on Lake Rich Person...
343
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,887
...and he's on the desktop
of my computer.
344
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,475
I should delete that.
345
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,068
Where'd I leave my phone?
346
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,907
God, are you looking
at the picture of my dad?
347
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,953
We are. Respect.
348
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:46,751
So very much respect.
349
00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:50,078
Eh, I've seen better.
350
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,500
Every day.
351
00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:56,377
Give me that.
352
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:57,877
Oh!
353
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:30,913
English - US - SDH
354
00:21:30,963 --> 00:21:35,513
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