All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s02e14 Too Little Sleep

-Can I get another refill?
-Yes. Can I get an explanation...

...why you're wearing overalls
when there are no goats around?

Oh, great.

Now he's drumming.

Overalls, free coffee refills,
and drumming.

We can stop looking. We found
the world's most annoying hipster.

Max, this isn't a diner where everything
comes with attitude and E. coli .

This is the cupcake shop.
You own this place.

Ugh, success really cuts your balls off.

We get it. Your tribe's in trouble.

She's kidding.

Help yourself
to a fresh mocha almond refill.

And by the way, sick beats.

You threw him a peace sign?
What are you, a Japanese teenager?

It's a gesture of goodwill.

Okay, but if I see you doing
an open heart, I will kill you.

Hey, there's Andy.

I don't want him to see me.

Did you just openly wave
to my ex-boyfriend?

Yeah, I always wave at him.

He didn't die just because you stopped
letting him touch your boobies.

Well, I don't wave to the guy
at the record shop that you had sex with.

I had sex with the guy
at the record shop?

I should keep a diary.

Oh, God, he's coming back.
See what you started with your wave?

I'm sorry, my hand is friendly.

Ask any guy in high school.

I was gonna try and sneak by,
but that just seemed so juvenile...

...so here, "Do you guys still like me?
Check yes or no."

So how's she doing?

-She's good.
-Really?

Oh, by the way,
the guy at the record store says hi.

Well, you tell him I said,
"Who are you?"

I wanted make sure everything's cool
with you and me.

You haven't texted me a pic of an
unlikely animal friendship in 48 hours.

Don't worry, we're cool.

I haven't been able to top the picture
I sent of the monkey tickling a parrot.

You have high standards.

Whereas me, I see a black dog spooning
a brown dog and I pull the trigger.

Well, save that amateur crap
for your mom...

...perhaps with an aunt and uncle CC.

That is so me.
Well, sir, you've raised the bar.

I look forward to our next
freaky/adorable animal pic.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Since we broke up, he got fat.

It's only been four days.

Wynonna Judd gets fat in an hour.

I'm too exhausted
to even think about Andy.

Let's just change and get to the diner.

All we have to do is make it eight more
hours then we get a good night's sleep.

Max, you're taking your pants off
in public.

Oh, my God!

I'm so tired, I forgot where I was.

They're halfway down,
what do I do?

I'm too tired to make the call.

And I'll have the BLT
with the french fries.

Miss, I think our waitress is asleep.

We haven't slept. When she wakes up,
she'll take your order.

But we're really hungry.

Leave her alone.
Do I come to your job and wake you up?

Hi, can I take your order?

I can see how tired you are, Max.

And if I could turn the clock
back to '75...

...I'd help you out
with a nice bump of cocaine.

But I don't do that anymore.

Earl, you quit coke in 1975?

No, when I was 75, last year.

It just felt like time.

Now, all I can give you
is a nice bump of this.

I need you to explain something to me
because I can't figure it out.

That's hard to believe
since you're 90 percent head.

It's not a laughing matter, Max.
I broke my mother's pelvis coming out.

At least you finally came out.

Oh, so you're awake to ridicule the boss,
but not awake enough to wait on tables.

See, there's that big head working.

And don't exaggerate.
Caroline and I are doing a great job.

-Wake up.
-Hi, can I take your order?

All I know is, if I was doing my job
as bad as you two tonight...

...I'd take my own life.

That's not off the table.

Han, cut us a break. We're working
two jobs, we got two hours of sleep.

We just wanna get home
and climb into bed.

You're sleeping together?

I mean, it's been a "will they"
or "won't they" since they met.

Hi, everybody. Sophie's here.

And look at my new coat.

It's double-breasted.

Pretty nice, huh?
It was a gift from me.

It's the only thing he ever gave me that
didn't threaten my reproductive health.

Think that fox took its own life...

...when it saw what kind of coat
it was gonna be on.

What is the occasion?

What is the occasion?

I'm hot and it's cold.

And it's also the anniversary
of the first time Oleg and I 70'd.

The way I do it, it's one more than 69.

Max, I just hung up
from a very panicked phone call.

You'll never believe what happened.

The guy from the record store
called to say I have super gonorrhea?

You actually think a guy
that you don't even remember...

...called to tell me
that you have super gonorrhea?

Yes, that's how tired I am.

Are you gonna make me wait forever?
Do I have it or not?

It's not super gonorrhea,
but it is super bad news.

This woman just called to confirm her
order for 1000 cupcakes for tomorrow.

I've been so tired, I completely forgot.

I'd rather have super gonorrhea.

Are you insane? We can't do
a thousand cupcakes by tomorrow.

We have to do it.
It'll ruin our reputation if we don't.

I know we're tired,
but if we stay up all night...

...we'll have $4000 by tomorrow
at 10 a.m.

They have to be done by 10 a.m.?

I'm so tired, remind me:
Is a.m. the morning one?

We can't do it. It's impossible.

My brain's too foggy to crunch numbers,
but I'm sure it's doable if we leave now.

-We're in the middle of waiting tables.
-Well, we come up with an excuse.

Give me your hand, bend over
and pretend to be sick. It'll work.

I've used this to get out of eight jobs,
six final exams, one wedding.

Han, we have an emergency.
Caroline's sick, she can't even stand up.

We won't be able to finish our shift,
we have to go to the emergency room.

(CAROLINE MOCK RETCHING)

We don't know what's wrong, it's coming out of
both ends, it might be super gonorrhea. Bye.

That's so unfortunate.

And on the night
they were finally gonna do it.

-Whoa, those are some big-ass coffees.
-Yep, 64-ouncers.

They're bigger than the human stomach.

And the coffee's already working.

It's midnight now,
we have to be done at 10 a.m.

So if it's 40 minutes per batch,
baking four dozen at a time...

...that's 48 cupcakes times 20
which equals nine hours...

...which equals $4000.

Give me that.
Let's see if I can do math too.

Ask me something.

Sixteen times 12?

I'm just going to enjoy my coffee.

Enjoy. I'll preheat the oven.
What's the temp?

Three twenty-five.
There, that's the coffee talking.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Andy just sent me
a picture of a deer nursing a turtle.

This is why they tell teen turtles
never to post stuff on Facebook.

Oh, I didn't realize
you two were still texting.

We're mostly just sending pictures
of unlikely animal friendships.

See?
There's a bear napping with a bunny.

And what's this?

It's a labradoodle high-fiving a koi fish.
Pretty self-explanatory.

No, underneath that.
This: "How's Caroline?"

I thought this was an unlikely
animal friendship.

It is, mostly, but every other text, I get
the idea that maybe he's not over you.

He's the one who broke up with me.

Well, maybe he regrets it.

Maybe you two are like
Chris Brown and Rihanna...

...minus the punching and the duet.

I'm kind of surprised.
I thought you guys were good together.

Andy is great. And on the surface,
he was there for me and very supportive.

But then he kind of got fed up when
it was so much about me and my career.

When push came to shove, he felt like he
had to pull away for his own well-being.

Oh, my God,
we are Rihanna and Chris Brown.

But I'm Chris Brown.

Speaking of Chris Brown,
I'm gonna start to batter.

How's that stove?

Warm. But it's really wobbly.

Yeah, it wobbles, it smokes,
and one time, it burned me.

That's why I nicknamed it, "Mom."

-What is this wood thing under the leg?
-It's the shim.

I think it's making it worse.

Don't-- That's holding the leg up.

(BOTH SCREAM)

But I guess you figured that out now.

You heard me say it was the shim.

I don't know what a shim is. I thought
it was just one of those things you say.

-What did you think it could be?
-I thought it was a cool word blend...

...like she-him for a transsexual,
a shim.

You thought a tiny transsexual
was holding up our stove?

Yes, Max, I'm that tired, I thought a tiny
transsexual was holding up our stove.

This is a disaster
and our oven at home is too small.

What are we gonna do now?

Good, you're still here.

Don't anybody leave,
our night got worse.

Don't come any closer,
super gonorrhea.

I'm sorry to say,
we lied to get off our shift.

But we have to make
a thousand cupcakes.

Our oven broke at the shop,
we need to use yours.

You lied to me
and now you want a favor?

Yes. Han, we know it's a big favor...

...and it probably looks even bigger
to you.

But I'm sure you can see past our lie.

And if you can't, get up on that chair,
or I could put you on my shoulders....

Long story, abnormally short,
will you help us?

Well, those 12 short jokes
really primed me.

Fine. You can use the oven
and any of the supplies you need.

Thank you. We need to fill this order.

I'll stay and help.
I also had something to fill...

...but I'll just text Sophie
and tell her I'm working.

I'll help too. I can't bake,
but I can certainly lift the spirits.

As long as there are spirits.
It's open bar, right, Han?

Okay. I'm in too.

Earl, make me a Sea Breeze.
Easy on the breezy.

Because of my childhood...

...I won't be able to process
that you've done nice for me.

So if I run into you in 10 years
and start crying, this is what it's about.

Nine hundred and counting coming
through. Where do you want them?

Put them over here.
Next to the world's slowest helper.

Took you longer
to make that cupcake...

...than it took James Cameron
to make Avatar .

Well, I've been doing this
for two minutes...

...and I have to say, "Not for me."

But you know what is for me?

Another free cognac.

-Ready for another Sea Breeze, Han?
-Not before I get this right.

And you don't want to see me
on two Sea Breezes.

What happens?
You become Lindsay Lo-Han?

Okay, let me show you how it's done.

There. You feel how that is, Han?

-Uh, yes.
-Okay.

Now, you just squeeze that bag.

Good. Little harder.

-Good. Little harder.
-Oh!

Oh.

I am humiliated.

It's okay, Han. It happens
to a lot of guys their first time.

Get yourself a tissue and clean
yourself off, like everyone else.

Han, you're off the bag.
I'm moving you to batter.

Not a demotion. You stink.
I wanna give you something easier.

Max, you just got that
all over your apron.

I'll wipe it down. Mine's a mess too.

Pretty slick move.
Wanna try for my bra next?

(IN DEEP VOICE)
Yeah, baby. I'll take off your bra.

What the hell was that?

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
What? It's my guy voice.

That's your go-to guy voice?

Is his identity being protected
on Dateline?

Well, what's your guy voice like?

I'm doing it right now.

I'm gonna take a quick pee break.

Earl, I think you might be making
the drinks too strong.

We're not drunk, Oleg, just punchy.

I'm just drunk.

It was so nice of everyone
to stay that long.

Everything's baked,
except for those.

We're gonna make it, Max.

Andy sent me a cat
and a dolphin kissing.

I hope they go all the way. I'm dying
to see their baby. Cat-dolphin? Yes.

I don't think that's healthy.

Well, if they're in love,
it's really none of your business.

Why are you texting him
in the middle of the night?

In fact, why is he still up?
Is he talking about me?

You look upset.
Want me to stop texting him?

No, it's fine. It's just I'm tired
and we're almost finished...

-...and I just wanna go home.
-Got it.

So hot.
Let me just get this hair off my neck.

Why are you wearing
only one earring?

What are you talking about?
I'm wearing two.

That's weird.

Where is it? Is it in my hair?

No, no. Did it fall down?

Yeah, check your boobs.
That's where you found the remote.

-It's not-- It's not anywhere on me.
-When's the last time you saw it?

I don't know,
but it couldn't have gone far.

I was in this area the whole night.

You mean over the batter?

-No, no, no. Nothing, nothing, no.
-No, no, no, nothing, nothing, no.

No, no, nothing, nothing.

It's not here, which means it's in one
of those already-baked cupcakes.

Let's go.
We have to start pulling these apart.

Really? Come on. Don't be ridiculous.

Look, worst-case scenario: one of the
thousand cupcakes has an earring in it.

We'll tell them it's a surprise.

No, the worst case scenario
is someone bites into it...

...rips their lip open and sues us.

Let them sue us.
We don't have any money.

And that's why we'll go to jail.

I'll be locked up raw
and forced to be someone's girlfriend.

I'm a bad girlfriend out of prison.
It's not gonna be any easier with Big Joan.

Calm down.
If we go to prison, I'll be your girlfriend.

Until someone hotter comes along,
that's the way it goes in prison.

Start looking.

I am not going to smash
900 cupcakes.

-Then we'll just have to start over.
-Oh, no.

I would rather hitch a ride west
and become a sister wife.

This is crazy. Can't I just text them
and tell them we can't do the job?

No, you can't text them.
We need the money.

And stop with all the texting.

If you were thinking less about texting
with my ex-boyfriend...

...you wouldn't have lost your earring.

You should have just said it.

You have a problem with me texting Andy.

I do not have a problem with it.

Oh, good,
because he's my friend too.

You'd think your loyalty
to your best friend and business partner...

...would be more important
than stupid animal friendship.

I'm surprised I even have to tell you that,
Max. It's kind of girl code.

Oh, I am way too tired
to hear "girl code." Shut it down.

Girl code, Max. Girl code.

Shut up, Caroline. Shut up.

I'm not even gonna dignify that
with a response.

Yeah, that was the goal, bitch.

I don't have time for this.

I have to find an earring you lost in one
of these thousand cupcakes, bitch.

The thousand cupcakes
that you forgot to tell me about.

And the girl code means that when
a girl breaks up with someone...

...you don't interfere with their boyfriend,
she needs some distance.

Well, why didn't you tell me that
when I asked you 14 hours ago?

Hey, Max. I got your text. I'm here to help.

MAX:
Um....

That was a pre-girl-code text.
I thought we maybe needed a backup...

...after Earl passed out
and I made Han cry.

Andy, on the list of things
I feel guilty about in life...

...calling you to help is number two.
It would be number one...

...if I hadn't pushed that girl down the stairs
to get into the 98 Degrees concert before her.

Well, it was 98 Degrees.
People had to die.

(OVEN DINGS)

Let's stop all this joking
and get down to why I came here.

Come on, Caroline, glove me.

Did you just say, "Caroline, love me?"

No. I said, "Caroline, glove me."

What kind of loser would say,
"Love me"?

Unless you do.

So how you doing?

I'm okay.

A little tired.

You know,
I've been thinking about you a lot.

Pretty much all the time
since we broke up.

Um....

Maybe I overreacted to your whole
"obsession with work" thing, you know?

You are here at 4 a.m.
because I needed help...

...making 1000 cupcakes
in four hours.

One might call that obsessive.

One might,
or pretty much everyone might.

And, Andy, just know that
even though it didn't work out...

...I do glove you.

I glove you too.

Get the cupcakes before they burn.

-I don't have energy to do this again.
-There's the girl I broke up with.

Everything's ready to go out there.

I've had my hands in more boxes tonight
than a gynecologist at a free clinic.

It's not that funny.

Stay up another 27 hours, it'll be the
funniest damn thing you've ever heard.

Well, that's the end of it.

Yeah, I think it is.

I'm talking about
more than the cupcakes.

Yeah, I could tell
by your Bradley Cooper tone.

It's not gonna work out
between you two?

-No. And I think we have to break up.
-I thought you already broke up.

No, I'm talking about you and me.

You're dumping me?

Wow, last guy who dumped me,
I burned down his house and moved.

Still wanna continue this conversation?

It wouldn't work. I would always be
asking you about Caroline.

Look, I get it, it's weird. People don't
stay friends with their friend's ex...

...but then cats don't usually
become friends with dolphins.

But sometimes,
for no apparent reason, it happens.

Yeah, I just wish I was as grown-up
as a cat or a dolphin.

I hear you.
So, what's next, breakup text?

That's just gonna lead to make-up text,
and then we're back in a vicious cycle.

I'll stop by your place,
pick up my CDs, T-shirts...

-...and my three grand.
-You've never been to my place.

See, this is why I'm breaking up
with you. You're a liar.

I'll see you in small-claims court, bub.

Well, we did it, Max. We made $4000.

And as far as Andy and I go,
I think we're in the right place...

...because when he said
he'd been thinking about me...

...I realized I'd only been thinking
about the cupcakes.

Oh, please, God, shut up.

Thank you. I was dying to shut up.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Look, it's a text from the place.

They loved the cupcakes.

Why do I have your phone
in my apron?

No, my phone was in my apron.

Unless I handed you the wrong apron
after I wiped them down.

What? What?

Your earring.

I had it in there the whole time.

Oh, we're idiots.

We're two very different kinds of idiots,
but we're idiots.

And yet, somehow, we work.

-We're the most unlikely animal friends.
-I don't know about that...

...but a picture of me nursing you
would definitely go viral.

-Good night.
-Good night.

-Where are you going?
-I'm too tired to pull my bed down.

-I'm sleeping with you.
-You're not. You have super gonorrhea.

English - US - SDH

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