Original subtitles

(MOANS)

I like the lemon. So good.

And with the vanilla frosting, it would make a lovely cupcake wedding cake.

(MOANS)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

The chocolate.

-You do realize you're not alone, right? -I know.

I'm gonna get some water, then I'll be back to taste everything.

Ha-ha-ha.

There's no wedding.

-What? -It's a scam. I know her game.

There isn't a Denny's I haven't hit up...

...and said "it's my birthday" for a free sundae.

But what if you're wrong and she is the real deal?

A cupcake wedding cake could be money.

We crack her BS before she eats our cupcakes, then us.

Follow my lead.

-Oh, what are we tasting now? -Coconut.

-What's your fiancé's name? -Doug Franklin.

-Where'd you meet? -He's a fireman. He rescued my cat.

-Aw. -No "aw." That's an insurance commercial.

So where's the wedding?

Barefoot on the beach.

That's a tampon commercial.

(HUMS EXCITEDLY)

Hi, baby.

Max, you're wrong. They're kissing.

Nope. He's either an out-of-work actor she hired or he has cake in his mouth.

I have an announcement to make.

You found your first down-there hair?

No, the last chance to put in your card to win a luxury weekend vacation.

It's Han's big promo.

Well, he's finally announced it.

Han's a big promo.

Well, he's a little promo.

Good luck. You now have a chance to win a two-room suite in the country...

...and there's a fireplace because daddy don't skimp.

Aw, I miss our fireplace in the country.

My father and I'd sit together, I'd roast marshmallows...

...and then he'd burn what I now realize must've been incriminating documents.

Hey, everybody. The raffle girl is here.

I get to pull the winner.

She pulled me twice today and I won both times.

Sophie, the way you look tonight, we are all winners.

Oh, Earl, that is so sweet.

I would kiss you if it was legal.

Oh, okay.

All right, I'm gonna put in one of my cleaning company cards.

All right. Who's gonna be the winner?

Yeah, yeah. Shake it like a Polaroid picture, baby.

Oh.

Oh, no, that doesn't feel like my card.

Sophie, that's cheating.

Hey, keep out of it, Glinda the Good Bitch.

The winner is...

...Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

-Oh, my God! We won! -Oh, my God! We won!

Congratulations.

I've never won anything in my life. Except for that time I got stoned...

...and accidentally won that hot dog eating contest.

Wait, how did this even happen? Did you put our card in?

Actually, I put your card in and I took a few out.

I figured you girls could use a vacation.

You girls have been working harder than my liver on payday.

Earl, you're like Santa without the weird fixation on children.

It was so nice of Earl to enter us.

Stop, he's like my father.

Wow, this place actually looks nice.

Ooh, an outhouse!

-Max, that's a sauna. -Oh.

Either way, I'm peeing in it.

Wait, can we leave the shop? Even though business has been slow...

...what if Dottie orders cupcakes for her wedding?

First off, she ate them all.

Second, there is no wedding. She's a BS bride.

I guarantee you, right now she's crawling...

...through an air-conditioning vent at a Krispy Kreme.

Andy in the house.

Sorry, I was watching a Living Single marathon before I came over.

You are not gonna believe this. We won a weekend getaway.

Isn't that exciting? We really needed this.

That's great.

We do need this. Thanks, babe.

I was hoping to get one-on-one time with you. So when do we leave?

Oh, "we"?

We can leave tomorrow.

We, we, we all the way there.

Look, Han said it was a two-room suite. Andy can come.

It's still our trip. He doesn't have to know he's the third wheel.

Well, you know I'm always a fan of lying, so I'm in.

It's still our trip.

She doesn't have to know she's the third wheel.

Well, you know I'm not a fan of lying, but okay, I'm in.

I love a road trip. My mom and I took one in third grade for, like, a year...

...but we'd just drive around locally and-- Oh, my God, I lived in a car.

Hey, let's play a car game.

I spy something red.

-Is it that gas station? -No.

-Is it that truck? -Nope.

Is it boring? Yes. My turn.

I spy something annoying.

-Is it me? -Yes.

I knew the joke was on me, but I love to win.

You are not annoying, you're adorable.

I spy a big man-gina.

-Is it me? -Yes.

I like to win too.

Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Hello?

Bad cell area.

Max, that might have been Dottie, the BS bride.

I couldn't hear words, but she sounded unnaturally confident.

Maybe the BS stands for Big Sale.

No more business calls. Thought we're getting away for fun.

We are, but business is nowhere near where we need it to be.

When it comes to ignoring a call, it's hard.

Hey, you know what this area of the mountains is known for?

Wineries and incest?

Alien abductions. I know all about it.

People disappear from here all the time.

There's no such thing as an extraterrestrial.

Okay, first, that's something an extraterrestrial would say.

I've always wanted to be abducted.

And my guidance counselor said I had no goals.

And here we go.

Again, I don't believe in names, but call me Roger if it helps you.

Get out. Get out!

The bed floats. This is awesome.

Usually, you gotta bring the ropes to the bed.

This way, you get to eliminate a whole step.

The bed's sculptural beauty is surpassed by the joy of resting in it.

Some say it's like being rocked to sleep in the arms of God.

It's a sex bed, Roger.

May I light the fire for you?

No, thanks, I can do it. I was an Eagle Scout.

Man, there's just not enough occasions when I can brag about that.

The room is cute but really tiny.

We're gonna need a bigger space, unless we're hobbits.

This the door to the adjoining room?

That is an adjoining room, but it's not included in your package.

Aw, damn it. We should have known...

...Han's package was gonna be smaller than he said it is.

I'm sorry. All other cabins are booked.

I'll bring you some bedding for the couch at an additional price.

Om Shanti.

Well, I guess you guys are the couple, so I'll sleep on the couch.

I can sleep anywhere.

First two years of my life, my bed was a pile of unopened mail.

A big roaring fire is gonna be so romantic.

Come over here closer to me, you big Eagle Scout.

Well, now you sound like my scoutmaster.

Hey, don't start anything you can't finish. Max will be right out.

Something tells me she's not a consistent hand-washer.

You do your thing. I'll just sit right here and watch my man build a fire.

Oh, great. This is cedar. It's gonna smell so awesome.

I love falling asleep to the sound of a fire.

Oh, my God. I know, no business stuff, but I just got a text about a big order.

Fine. Just remember, this weekend--

Oh, I know. Me and you. Me and you.

Me and you. Max!

Max, the BS bride isn't BS. She wants pricing on a wedding cupcake cake...

...and a groom's cupcake cake for 300 guests.

Oh, great. Almost as great as these little fuzzy shoes.

They were in a sealed plastic package.

I'm the first one to ever open them.

They're like condoms for your feet.

New shoes. New shoes.

Where are you going?

The sauna. Hopefully, I'll be abducted on my way...

...but know that even though I'm gone, I'm happier up there with my alien lover.

True, they don't have lips, but they do have crazy long fingers.

I'll go with you.

Not about work. But she can't go alone. There might be bears.

There were bears at my chalet in Aspen. In the woods, on the floors. Everywhere.

You know, until PETA attacked the house.

So this is a fancy sauna?

Not impressed.

People pay for the privilege of sitting in decades of ass sweat?

How come your towel's staying up so much better than mine?

I can think of two reasons.

I'm gonna get some water, then start peeing.

We have to discuss the BS bride's cake.

We can't screw this up. It's all we have.

Oh, this heat is amazing.

Mother of God! That's hot.

There are bears. They're coming this way.

What? Max, get in here. Close the door.

Fine, but they'll just open it and come in.

Bears can't open doors and walk in.

These ones can.

-Oh, hi. -Hey, girls, you mind if we join you?

-You guys are gay bears, right? -Max!

It's cool. My prom date is big in the bear scene now...

...but in high school, they called him a jock who cried sometimes.

Yep, we're bears: big, hairy, not scary.

I'm Deke, this is Dirk.

Yup, we're Deke and Dirk. Pause for reaction.

I'm Caroline and this is Max.

Are you girls lipstick lesbians?

No, we're just friends.

And we can't afford lipstick.

Ugh, especially at this gift shop. Seen the prices?

Twenty five dollars for ChapStick. Please, no one's lips are that chapped.

And he would know. This one's the king of face-creaming.

Sounds a little bit dirtier than what it is. I'm actually a dermatologist.

Do not tell me I'm lucky enough to be in a sauna with two dermatologists.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm an astrophysicist.

Oh, smarter than the average bear.

Loving her.

So you know about space stuff, smarty bear.

Do you believe in aliens?

Oh, I do. And I believe they're living among us.

I'm looking at you, Christina Ricci.

Talk to me, Deke. What can you give me?

He has plenty of free cream samples back in our room.

And it's the good stuff. Come by. We are in Cabin 4.

No way. We're in Cabin 3.

Aah!

How about those rope beds?

You know it's kinky when the bed is already tied up.

At first we were all, "Um, we're gonna fall."

But then we thought, what the hell, it's our manniversary.

Aw, you're married? Happy manniversary.

Now, let's get back to those free creams.

And here's our card if you're ever in the neighborhood or need a big order.

You brought a business card to a sauna?

I don't wanna know where you kept that.

-"Max's Homemade Cupcakes." -Mmm.

Or in your case, cub cakes.

-Loving her. -Living for her.

Wanna come back as her.

Your dinner for two. Two soups, two salads, two entrees, two desserts.

I hope you three enjoy.

Maybe could we order another meal?

No problem. Just call. Extra charge, of course. Om Shanti.

"Om Shanti" means "screw you" in yoga, right?

I am so starving. Oh, my God, this looks amazing.

Oh, and the bread is still warm.

And there's one of those crazy-ass pretzel rolls.

Is it a pretzel? Is it a roll? No idea. It's crazy.

-Max, put some of this butter on it. -Try and stop me, bitch.

-Here, take half. -Thanks.

Yo.

Oh, my God, Andy! I totally forgot.

Not about you. I forgot my manners.

If my Danish governess were here, she would hit me with her wooden spoon.

I'm so sorry.

Go, sit. You eat. Enjoy the pretzel roll.

It's gone. You snooze, you lose.

No, you sit. I'm good. I'll order more food.

No. Sit, sit. I'm the bad one.

This soup is duhmazing. Just a word I made up.

For when something is so amazing and all you can say is "duh."

Duhmazing.

Yes, I'd like to order another-- Yes, I'll hold.

I think the hold music is just Roger singing.

Okay. Hang up the phone. Go sit and eat.

Come on. Hurry, before Max eats the table.

No, you eat. After all, it's our special weekend.

I want you to enjoy it.

Well, okay, but only because it's a special occasion.

Good. I'm gonna go take a hot shower.

It's always better to make love on an empty stomach.

That must be why there are so many people in India.

Max, I've got a favor to ask you.

Think you could visit your bear friends? Give us some private time?

It'll be your birthday gift to me.

Oh, it would be my birthday gift to you because it's your birthday.

Yeah. Just for, like, two hours.

Okay, one hour. I'll skip the foreplay and that'll be my birthday gift to myself.

Cool. Then I'll just go do that then.

Caroline went to all this trouble to get you a trip for your birthday, I assume?

I know. And I was looking forward to some birthday sex.

We haven't connected that way since the shop started giving you guys trouble.

But the shop's been in trouble for weeks.

Yeah. So maybe I'll only need, like, a half hour with her.

I need my book, I'm gonna take a bath instead. That tub is so amazing.

I'm just gonna soak in it and blissfully forget all my problems.

As well as some other things.

Max is gonna go visit Yogi and Boo Boo and give us some private time.

She can't. It's their manniversary. They need their private time.

Yes, but you guys are celebrating a special thing too.

What? What are we celebrating?

Andy's birthday. Oh, damn it!

Now I went and spoiled all the special sexual things you had planned for him.

Oh, damn it, Max, now you did give it all away.

We were gonna do missionary and...

...the other one.

Okay. Okay, I'm sorry. I forgot.

I don't know how. I knew today was your birthday.

It's tomorrow.

So yippee! She hasn't missed it. All is right with the world.

I'm gonna go visit the Berenstains.

This weekend wasn't about my birthday, was it?

Come on, come on.

Get your hand out of his honey pot and get over here.

I'll be gone in a second...

...and then you guys can jump-start your sex life again.

What do you mean, "jump-start"?

How could you tell Max that we haven't had sex?

You haven't even discussed that with me.

Come on, aliens, if you're ever going to abduct me, this would be the time.

Don't take the attention off the fact that you forgot my birthday.

Oh, God, I wish I was a cartoon...

...so I can run right through this door and leave behind a body-shaped hole.

-Hey, Max. -Hey. Mind if I hibernate for a minute?

Sure, come in. We were just gonna eat and then dye our chest hair.

Close that damn door now.

Thanks. It was getting a little tense in there. She forgot his birthday.

Ouch. Well, he forgot mine once and now it's his ankle tattoo.

Max, please, I insist.

You don't have to ask me twice. You gonna eat the pretzel roll?

Andy, I'm sorry about your birthday.

It just went out of my head. I feel bad.

And I feel sick. Can you stop swinging the bed?

Sorry, I'm nervous.

Yeah, you're nervous a lot. Which is why our other bed isn't moving at all.

No, no, no, don't go. Come back. Come back to the sex bed.

Let's get some sex going.

Come on. We can get this bed moving now.

See? See?

Hi. Oh, hi.

Oh, it's your birthday, it's your birthday.

It's tomorrow.

Okay, okay, I can do better.

See? Here we go now. Here we go.

Wanna see me twerk it? Wanna see me twerk it?

Oh, oh, oh.

If I'd had any food, I'd throw up.

Okay, yeah. Have a seat. Let's have some bread.

Has it really been that long since we had sex?

Sweetie, after that dance, it's hard to believe you've ever had sex.

It hasn't been that long. The shop opened on the 12th, so it's--

-What? -No, it's just interesting...

...you had no problem remembering that date.

Let me ask you a question. Where do you think you're going?

What do you mean? I'm here.

No, where do you think you're going?

Like, where do you see your life in a year?

Pretty soon, Max and I will be out of this rough patch...

...and full-force with business, weddings, big events...

...and Max and I will open another store, get a bigger apartment.

Okay, and am I in there somewhere?

Oh, come on, I was getting to you.

Were you? When? When were you getting to me?

After your business is a success?

No, now. Come on, sex time in the sex bed. Oh!

Wanna do it on the floor?

This is so comfortable.

You put a belt on this, you can wear it out.

Just don't try that at your in-laws' house with a matching turban.

Dirk, my father worked 40 years in a factory before he lost his arm.

-He doesn't get camp. -Okay.

Get up. We're having cookies and milk.

Oh, you guys rock.

I promise I won't stay here all night.

Don't wanna get trapped in the middle of your country bear jamboree.

Please, honey, you are perfectly safe in this bed.

We haven't had sex in a year.

Why would you tell her that?

She told us about her friends. I thought it was on the table.

But we haven't even discussed that.

Mother ship, make it happen.

This is the time to abduct me.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi. Max, you can come back.

Andy left. He said he'd find his own way home.

-He left? -Because you're not having sex?

Max, you told the bears we're not having sex?

Why would you share that?

Exactly, Caroline.

And why tell Max that, when you never brought it up in our gestalt therapy?

I was planning on addressing it with you this weekend.

You think I spent $500 on this room for milk and cookies?

I think we're all forgetting how good that soup was.

Sorry if I haven't been feeling attractive.

I tell you how handsome you are every day.

Don't you guys look exactly alike?

-Are you okay? -I'm all right.

Wanna get in bed and cuddle for a while?

No, it's-- Yeah.

-Come here. Yeah. -There you go.

Good, you're alive. When I heard you left and walked through woods, I wondered:

Was there anal probing?

By an alien, not a grifter.

You texted you wanted to see me?

Well, someone did.

Happy birthday. Now, come on, blow.

-I don't really feel like doing that. -Welcome to our world.

Andy, I'm so sorry about everything.

It's okay. I had time to think on the bus and the other bus...

...and the bus I had to take when that bus broke down.

If it makes you feel any better, I have rope burns all down my back.

Andy, I'm sorry about your birthday.

We told each other dates a month ago, wouldn't expect you to remember mine.

May 28th, 1987. Ten thirty in the morning.

Ten thirty at night. So you're not perfect.

Look, you have a really busy life...

...and you're really ambitious, which I admire.

But I wanna be more than someone you get to eventually.

And you deserve that. It's-- I have to put the business first right now--

And I get that, I just-- I think we should take a break.

You wanna take a break?

Maybe, yeah.

"Take a break" because you really mean break up, but you're trying to be nice?

Maybe, yeah.

I'm sorry if this seems sudden.

But I know me and maybe it's better sooner than later.

I'm back and I brought my bridesmaids.

Looks like business is picking up.

It's gonna be hard not to see you.

Yeah, it will be. I work 10 feet away.

This way, ladies.

We're gonna taste every cupcake they have.

This is the time to take me!

Come on, final offer! E.T.? ALF? Christina Ricci?

English - US - SDH

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