All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s02e06 Candy Manwich

Look at all these people just sitting here,
not tipping, working on their computers.

This guy has a brand new Apple,
I've been eating the same apple for a week.

I blame Steve Jobs.

These people are more like
Steve "I Have No" Jobs.

All right, that's it.

Earl, I need to get the wireless router.

Oh, is that what this is?

I thought it was a cookie warmer.

Attention deadbeat diners.

You can't just sit here all night
and only order coffee.

This is not a Starbucks.

And I know that because we don't sell
Norah Jones CDs or bananas.

This is the router for the free Wi-Fi.

And that is a waitress
who needs to make some tips.

Seriously, guys, I need actual cash.

This guy just offered to pay me in ideas.

If I pull this plug,
the Internet will go down.

You, that sad e-mail you're in the middle
of writing to your ex-boyfriend...

...the one you shouldn't send anyway?
Gone. And you.

That vaguely pornographic anime film...

...you've been illegally downloading
for three hours? Gone.

You, that screenplay
you've been writing?

You can keep working on it,
but we all know how it ends...

...with you moving back in
with your mother.

Now, who's gonna order?

Great, I'll go get some menus.
Here, Caroline, put this back.

Ooh, my cookie warmer.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You're crazy.

Table 10 just ordered cocktails.

Yeah, because
we're that kind of a place.

Does anybody know how to make
Sex on the Beach?

Easy. I put on my Speedo and wait.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Those girls have been drinking for hours.

Just press every button on the gun
and add rum.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Look at them. Not a care in the world.
Having a great time.

-I hate them.
-I hate them too.

-I hate them more. So jealous.
-I hate that you hate them more.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

Okay, ready for party of four.

SOPHIE:
Excuse me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Okay. Excuse me.

Hey, baby. Looking good.

Always. I'll be in my booth.

Sophie, you cannot take up
a whole booth alone.

There are people waiting.
You must leave.

Go stand in the corner now.

Before I bend you across my knee
and spank you in front of the whole class.

Well, I was going to stand
in the corner anyway.

But tomorrow night, smaller table.

Go stand in the corner now.

Okay, I'm over being jealous of them.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Still? What are they, sitting on vibrators?

Let it go.
They're not having that good of a time.

No, Max, we're not having
that good of a time.

All we do is work. When's the last time
we took a day and just had fun?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Those idiots remind me
how much fun it was...

...when I'd go and have cocktails
with my girlfriends...

...and watch them pretend to eat.

I think you're talking about day drinking
and I think I like it.

All right, let's do something fun.

I'll put on my bolo tie and my best vest
and take my girl out to eat.

So, what is this lunch spot
you're taking me to?

Is it French? Do you think the chef
will send an amuse-bouche to the table?

No. But this morning I shaved a smiley face
into my "bouche" and it's very amusing.

It's just so fun to get dressed up
and have someone wait on us for a change.

I even bought new panty hose
from "Du-anne Ree-aday."

You mean "Duane Reade"?

Oh, is that how you pronounce it?

-Well, we're here. Better get in line.
-Oh, there's a line. Popular place.

What's the name?

"Soup Kitchen."

That's a cute name. Very Williamsburg.

Like, "Take our upscale bistro,
make it seem like it's a soup kitchen...

...open to everyone,
but it's not really a soup kitchen."

Oh, that's nice,
they let them use the bathroom.

And sit at a table.

Oh, my God, this is really a soup kitchen.
This is your idea of treating me to lunch?

-We're not homeless.
-No, but we are soupless.

And it's not just homeless people
who eat here.

Okay, maybe they're the target audience.

Look, there's a lot of other people
who can't afford to go out to eat.

You're right. Why are there
so many hipsters here?

This place isn't just for people
who don't have jobs...

...it's for people who don't want them.

Well, it does smell good.

Excuse me, we'd like to take a look
at your lunch menu.

Menu changes every day.
Also, there is no menu.

There's like four things.

Oh, okay. So, what do you recommend?

Oh, what do I recommend?

Uh, don't share needles, and use condoms.
But you didn't hear that last one from me.

Are nuns even allowed to be sarcastic?

If they are, I have some serious thinking
to do about my future.

This sloppy joe is the most amazing,
terrible thing I've ever eaten.

I love that it's basically pre-chewed,
so all you really have to do is swallow.

So good. I used to have these every day
when I was a kid.

Well, then, I guess your childhood
wasn't all that bad.

Mm, we couldn't afford the real Manwich mix,
so my mom's boyfriend, Dirty Carl...

...used to bring us leftover meat scraps,
then bash them together...

...with old ketchup packets
he found in cars at the junkyard.

Now I understand why you think
this is a nice restaurant.

Have you noticed the more you drink,
the better this place gets?

I've noticed the more I drink,
the better everything gets.

Why don't we drink every day?

Some of we do.

I'm having a great time. Thank you, Max.

Yesterday, you were so bummed
about life...

...I thought I'd take you somewhere
you'd feel good.

Okay, I've been wanting to say this
the whole time.

I feel like we're the hottest people
in this room.

-Is that terrible?
-Yes.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(CAROLINE & MAX GASP)

BOTH:
Speaking of hot people....

Wait, are we drunk or do we finally have
one brain and the same taste in guys?

I don't know, but this is suddenly
my new favorite restaurant.

Let's go get ourselves
some of that man-wich.

I kind of like drunk Caroline
way more than the other Caroline.

I kind of like her better too.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Ahem. Excuse me, do you know the guy
who just came in here?

-The cute one.
-Oh, he's so cute, right?

His name is Andy. He opened
the candy store across the way.

Shut up. Candy? I love candy.

Question:
What would make this day even better?

-Candy? Ha, ha!
-Ha, ha!

You should totally go for the hot guy.

Or you can go for him.
Let's think about this.

He's clean and not a drug addict,
so he's more my type.

Well, he's got a store full of candy
and a penis, so he's more my type.

You know what?
Go for it, you've got dibs.

-Oh. That's so nice of you, Max.
-Yeah.

And while you're doing him in the back room,
I'll be pocketing some candy.

Oh, no. It's closed.

Hey, Max, you know what would be fun?

If we threw that trash can
through the front window?

I was gonna say
we should leave him a note.

-What would be fun about throwing that?
-Have you ever done it? It's fun.

Oh, the sign's turned around.
He can see us.

-He's smiling at us.
-Heh.

Should we go in?

If I learned anything as a child, it's when
a stranger offers you candy, you say yes.

Hi. We thought the sign said
you were closed.

Yeah, I turned it around.
I wanted you guys to come in.

(GENE WILDER'S "PURE IMAGINATION"
PLAYING)

Come with me
And you'll be

In a world of pure imagination

If this isn't your thing, I also have
some Sabbath and some Beastie Boys.

So if this is Candy Andy's
Sweets and Treats...

...are you Candy Andy?

Oh, please, we hardly know each other,
call me Candrew Andrew.

I'm Caroline and this is Max.

-Max, say something.
-Can't. It's all too wonderful.

Look at all the candy crammed
in this little space.

It's like we're inside Willy Wonka's colon.

Thanks. That's kind of the look
I was going for too.

And I know it's accurate because
I had the Oompa Loompas help me.

They were expensive,
but what are you gonna doom-pa-dee-doo?

(CAROLINE LAUGHS)

I'd ring the bell after something that golden
but I don't wanna scare you.

Well, now I have to hear the bell.

(BELL RINGS)

Now that's all I wanna hear.

Do you do free samples?
You do, by the way.

Let me hook you guys up. On the house.

Marry this guy right now.

It's a small store, I can hear you.

Good. Moves things along faster.

Hey, come by the Williamsburg Diner
sometime. We work there.

We'll give you free samples of food
you shouldn't have to pay for anyway.

What brings you into this neighborhood?

Oh, we were having lunch at the--
This is a really adorable space.

Thank you.
You know, candy is my passion.

Yeah, I said it. Always has been.

Even as a kid, I would have my G.I. Joes
sell Sweet Tarts to my Transformers.

(LAUGHS)

Gum drops, gummi bears,
gummi worms...

...gummi hot dogs, gummi pizza.

Ooh, I just had a gummi-gasm.

So, what was your favorite candy
as a kid?

Actually, I didn't eat a lot of candy
as a child.

Okay, I'm gonna overlook that
because you're pretty.

But maybe we could talk about your
terrible childhood over coffee sometime.

-Yeah?
-Heh-heh.

(BELL RINGS)

I'd leave you two alone
if this place wasn't filled with candy.

-Okay, so, what's your favorite flavor?
-Coconut.

And I'm walking to the C's.

The candy's alphabetical?

Now I'm marrying you too.

Okay, let's see.

Coconut watermelon slice.
How's that sound?

Um, not so good. Actually, please don't
say anything more about candy.

-Is it hot in here?
-No, it's awesome in here.

Boston Baked Beans?

Didn't know they weren't real beans
till I was 20.

Ugh. Please stop. Is it cold in here?

Is it hot and cold in here?

-Max, I feel weird.
-Relax.

It's just your lady parts
waking up from hibernation.

Again, small store, I can hear everything.

(RETCHES)

I am so sorry. Pardon me.

-Ooh, uh, you okay?
-I'm fine.

Max, I am not fine.

I'm gonna be Sloppy Joanne
in about two seconds.

Tiny, tiny store.

-Um, do you need to use the--?
-No. We're fine, we'll just be going.

Nice to meet you. Ugh!
Nope, I'm not gonna make it.

-Where is the--?
-Right-- Right there.

Ahem. I'm sure she'll be all right.

(CAROLINE VOMITS)

("PURE IMAGINATION" PLAYING)

I'm gonna step out.
Sound of someone throwing up--

Oh, dude, I've been trying not to throw up
this whole time.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh! What happened there, right? Heh.

Feeling better?

(VOMITS)

(BOTH RETCHING AND GROANING)

Did she tell you she projectile-puked soup
and sloppy seconds...

...all over a really cute guy and his floor?

Let me put it this way, Caroline.

In my heroin days, that would have been
a perfectly acceptable first date.

I don't understand it.
We ate the exact same thing.

How could you have not gotten sick?

You must still have "rich girl" stomach.
I'm used to poor food.

What made you sick
made my skin clear up.

-Hi, girls.
MAX: Hey, Sophie.

I'll be in my booth.

Oh.

Well, this is weird.

It's okay. You didn't know. Don't let it
happen again. Okay, bye-bye now.

Sophie, what do you think you're doing?

What? They were sitting in my booth.

It is not your booth, it's my booth.

But with your booth,
wouldn't it have a booster seat?

Oh, Sophie wants to dance?
We gonna dance.

Max. Hi. It's Andy.

From the store? The guy that let you walk
out with a Push Pop in your pocket.

That wasn't a Push Pop, Andy,
I was happy to see you.

Well, you're gonna be even happier
in a minute.

-Yay!
-But these come with a catch.

Invites for Caroline and you
to a party at my candy store.

But maybe don't wear that uniform, people
are gonna think you're a giant Sugar Daddy.

So she's still going at it, huh?

Such a skinny girl,
how much more can come out of her?

No, she's just a little embarrassed.
Something about self-esteem.

She throws it around
like it means something.

Well, I'd love her to come.

No pressure,
but if you can talk her into it...

...there will be unlimited candy for you
for the rest of your life.

(BELL RINGS)

Look at him, stealing my bit.

Candy Man came with invitations
to a party at his store.

What, you think I wasn't listening
at the door? I heard everything.

-All the vomit jokes, I heard them all.
-Ah!

Jewelry already?

Your new husband
likes to throw the cash around.

He is not my new husband,
and now he never will be.

Oh, Bubble Tape.

I finally meet an adorable, sweet guy.

A guy so sweet, the word "sweet"
is next to his name on actual real estate...

...and I completely destroy any chance
I had with him.

You didn't destroy anything.

And it's good to let him know
right off the bat you have a gag reflex.

Oh. Oh, that's lovely.
Happy Valentine's Day.

I am not going to that party.
I can never see him again.

Well, do you mind if I still go?

Being in a candy store after midnight
is on my bucket list. Heh.

Funny, I thought that
was the impossible one.

You should go. Have fun.

You're missing out.
You two are perfect for each other.

-You're like Hansel and Gretel.
-They were brother and sister.

So?

So no Caroline, huh?

-Uh, no, she couldn't make it.
-Hmm.

Well, I'm feeling very sad,
but you'd never know it.

Ah, you're fine. You don't seem to be short
on other female party guests.

They're friends.
Some from the neighborhood...

-...some I worked with on Wall Street.
-Wall Street?

Did you have a candy tray
you walked around with?

I wish. That would've been awesome.

I was pushing stock
in pharmaceutical companies.

Wait. You know people
who have access to pills?

Just when I thought
you couldn't get any better.

Yeah, one day, I went into the firm
and there was no firm. Bankrupt.

Boom. End of job, no money, nothing.

And after I drank non-stop for a week,
I figured, hey...

...now I can do
what I've always dreamed of.

Open a candy store, be my own boss.

So I used all my savings
and opened up this place.

And pretty soon, Candy Andy
will rule the world of sweets and treats.

-Did that sound braggy?
-No.

Kick everybody out
and let's go back to my place.

Uh, Max, no offense,
but I'm more into your friend.

Um, Andy, no offense, but I'm more
into the candy than the Andy.

I want you to come to my apartment
and say hey to Caroline.

I was right.
You two are perfect for each other.

Yeah? I mean, it would be nice
to hang with her in pants I don't care about.

(MAX LAUGHS)

Aw, she's not here.
Must have taken the horse for a walk.

You have a horse
and I'm just hearing about this?

I have a candy store
and it's out of my mouth in 30 seconds.

-Be right back, I have to pee.
-She'll be okay with me being here?

Yeah. She was just embarrassed.
She'll get over it.

(CAROLINE & MAX SCREAM)

CAROLINE: What are you doing? Knock first.
-Why are your legs up in the air like that?

And why were you holding the shower head
down by your--? Oh, ho, ho!

I'm sorry. I thought you'd be home feeling
bad for yourself, not feeling your bad self.

What are you doing home already?

Why aren't you at the Candy Andy party?
Oh, don't look at me like that.

It's not like I'm the only person
in the world who masturbates.

Also, Andy's here.

-We wanted to surprise you.
-But then you surprised us.

It's not a big deal.

That kind of situation happens
to a lot of people.

Who? Who has that ever happened to?

Um, I know this might be a delicate area
right now...

...but I'm thinking you should probably pay
more than half of our water bill.

Hey, girls.

Oh. I need some hot tea to warm me up.

There's no hot water in our building
when I tried to take a shower.

That's because it's all in Caroline.

-Max.
-You are too tense.

Here. Take this and relax a little. Heh.

This doing anything for you?

Well, I'll be in my booth.

Hello, Sophie.

What are you doing in my booth?

It's not your booth, it's my booth.
And look, all the other booths are taken.

So you'll have to sit at small table,
as is customary for lone diners.

This is my booth. It's okay,
you didn't know. Okay, bye-bye now.

Hello, Max. Check out my new booth.
I think it's better.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, no. I don't want to see him again.

Look, he's already seen you at your worst.
You vomited and masturbated.

That's your full range.

Hi.

Look, I know you're really embarrassed
about, well, everything...

...and there's really nothing I can say
to convince you not to be. So....

(LAUGHS)

Who's embarrassed now?

And to further my embarrassment,
I will now do gymnastics in public.

That is not embarrassing,
it was amazing.

All right, well, then come back to my house
and watch me masturbate.

Or we could just get coffee.

-Yay! I'm so happy.
-Thanks, Max.

No, not for you, for me.

I'm getting unlimited candy
and maybe some pills.

English - US - SDH

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