Original subtitles

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

- What do you think? - He's not funny.

He seems funny. Everybody's laughing.

I've seen his work maybe 15 times now and he's never made me laugh.

I don't like him.

Maybe that's it. I just don't like him.

How did I do? Oh, that was wonderful.

Wonderful, Fippsy. You really slay me.

- You slay me. - Terrific.

Oh, my God. I really appreciate that coming from you, Mr. Travalian.

- I always overdo. - No, no, no. Good, good, good.

So?

Hey, let me... Let me just talk with him quietly.

You want him?

He's great!

You can't have him.

- Why? - J.J. Hates him.

- What do you want? - Fire him.

- How can I fire him? I can't hire him. - J.J.

- Oh, God. I gotta fire another director. - Call Morris Finestein.

J.J., can I see you?

How he wastes my time.

We seem to have a little problem...

...I thought l'd like to discuss with you.

Hey, Eddie. How goes it?

- Mr. Travalian. You bringing us a hit? - Hope not. Don't wanna spoil my record.

Probably too depressing for Broadway.

You're probably right, Eddie. Catch you later.

I can get you woman. - I'm diseased.

Hello!

Hello! I'm home!

- Hi, Pop. How's it going? - Hey, lg. How about you?

Okay.

- Surprise! - Surprise!

Get away from me. Surprise!

- My birthday. - I forgot my birthday.

Oh, you remembered my birthday.

All right, you guys. I've been kind of busy these days, really.

- Favs! You got me a Favs. All right, come on.

Let me see. Slippers!

Lt's not his birthday, it's mine.

They don't fit. That's okay. Let me see, what's this?

I had a lousy day today. I've turned 42, I fired a director, I beat my kids...

I forgot to beat my kids.

Hold on! Oh!

I'm coming for you, lgor. You're the one! You're the one!

- Okay. Help! Help me!

Okay. We got him! I've got him!

We got him!

Down he goes!

- Happy birthday, kiddo! - Thanks, kiddo.

- Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, Ivan.

- Happy birthday, Pop. - Happy birthday, Ivan.

Well, this is great. Only l'm not 43.

You're 43.

- I'm 42, Gloria. - You were 42 last year.

- You're 43, Pop. - 43, Pop.

- How do you know? - I was here last year. I remember!

43 you are, Ivan. I was living here last year too.

Us too, Ivan. Remember? Last year we gave you 42 beach balls.

- One was for good luck. - No.

You look good for your age.

Don't you ever, ever, ever tell me I look good for my age again, Gloria.

Gloria, Gloria.

Gloria!

- You going out? - I gotta meet Kreplich...

...go over this director thing. Is that okay?

Is it okay? Is it okay that you're going out?

Yeah. Sure. Okay.

You are one beautiful chica there, honey chili.

So they tell me.

What say I get back, we get the party lights going?

Pop a little popcorn.

I have always known it would come to this, Blanche.

Gloria, why are you putting the knives, forks...

...spoons and party hats in the refrigerator?

Lt's simple human error.

Don't misinterpret it or blow it out of proportion...

...because you have career anxieties.

Morris! Morris Finestein!

Morris!

What are you doing here? - You gotta do the play.

I will not direct your play.

I do not like this play.

I will not have my name associated with it.

My career is too important. Don't you understand?

I will not do this play. I do not like this play.

- Now, that's a firm decision. I'm begging.

- Want me to beg? - No.

- I'll beg. - Ivan, please!

- I'm on my knees. - You're embarrassing me.

Ivan! Okay, l'll think about it. I'll read it again.

Maybe we can fix the second act, okay? Just get up. Come on.

Take it easy.

Morris Finestein? Yes.

- He didn't like your play. - That's the way he is.

He said to me, "I will not direct this play! I do not like this play!"

This is not lack of enthusiasm, this is a decision.

- He changed his mind. - Now he likes it?

He wants to do it.

I don't understand you. He personally turned me down.

"I will not do this, I do not like this play!"

Look, Larry, Morris Finestein does not like comedy, that's all.

He's an excellent director. He did a wonderful job with...

My Bridgeport trilogy.

Who's Larry?

- Huh? - You called me Larry.

- No, I did not. - You did too.

- I heard you, Daddy. - Heard it too.

- Me too! - Yeah, I heard it too.

- Who's having the wedgie veggies? - Larry is.

My cheese. I love my cheesie.

- Act your age, Bonnie. - I'm 11.

- Act it. - How in the hell do you act 11?

That's better.

I hate this stuff. Why did you bring me here?

Your wife cooks. Why aren't we eating at your house?

Lt's healthy. You'll live longer.

I have a miserable life. I don't want to.

Crap. This is growing in front of my nephew's house in Pound Ridge.

He had it removed, it was choking the lawn.

Where's Gloria anyway?

Working. She's out working.

My father always makes us eat shrubbery.

- Yuck! - Don't say yuck!

Shut up, Geraldo.

Will you shut up? Give me a break.

I'm having a business meeting with Mr. Kreplich...

...that could result in my success...

...which would result in paying your tuitions next year.

Plus piano lessons, plus your saxophone lessons...

...your clothing, your food, your orthodonture...

...and your ball games. Are you getting my point now?

Okay, now, listen to me. Morris Kotzwinkle is the man I want, period.

He may be a total depressive...

...but he's a major, major talent, period.

Who's Kotzwinkle?

What? Out of the question. I called you Mr. Kreplich.

Finestein. You called him Morris Kotzwinkle.

- That's bullshit. - I heard you, Daddy.

- Me too. - No need for me to chime in here.

So who's Kotzwinkle?

- What, what, what, what? - Who's Kotzwinkle?

I'm so depressed.

- Where the hell have you been till 2:00? - Oh, God. You're awake.

- Correcting papers? - Oh, God.

Answer me.

I have been out walking.

That's bullshit.

ivan, would you just... Just let it go, huh?

Fine, l'll be delighted to let it go.

I've been letting it go for nearly a week now. Why not another day?

Fine with me.

Where are you going?

I gotta get up at 8:00 in the morning. I got a meeting.

I need rest. I'm going in with Geraldo and Spike.

No, l'm not going in with them. They both toss.

You sleeping with Larry or what?

What... Who's Larry?

Harry Frankfurt's cousin.

Allan Bomser said he saw you and a guy named Larry Kotzwinkle...

...checking out of the Dorset about 3:00 Tuesday.

I didn't say anything because I didn't think it was true. Now I think it's true.

Larry Kotzwinkle, Gloria.

Think.

That Larry.

One pretzel with salt. Thank you.

Here's your change. Wait up, man!

Thanks.

So, what's up?

In what sense?

How come you picked me up at school?

No reason. Does there always gotta be a reason?

No, just because it's 81 blocks from the house.

Look at you. A teenage kid...

...in the prime of your athleticisexual life and you're eating crap like that.

Like a veritable raccoon.

True. Want a bite?

Don't be ridiculous.

You seen your mother last couple of days?

- She's not my mother. - Like your mother.

- Nevertheless. - Okay, okay. Gloria.

- Have you seen her? - No.

Can I get another pretzel?

Lt's your life, kid.

Are we getting divorced again?

What the hell made you ask me that?

Last time you asked me if I saw my mother...

...and let me get another pretzel, we got divorced.

Really?

- Hey. - Hi.

- Great to have you back. - I wanted to be back.

Do you wanna talk about it?

No, not now. I wanna get some sleep.

Okay.

You wake me up...

...out of a sound sleep...

...after not having been in my bed for three goddamn days...

...and you don't want to talk about it. You wanna get some goddamn sleep.

Could we talk in the morning? I haven't had a whole lot of sleep.

I don't wanna talk in the morning. I haven't had sleep either.

- Okay. I was crazy to come. I'll just... - No! Stay, stay, stay.

Sleep.

We'll talk about it in the morning.

- What'd you eat? Butter, please. - It was horrible!

Next time, cook them yourself! He begs me to cook and then he complains.

Daddy, I think there's a problem. - Not now, darling.

Okay.

Gloria?

Debbie? You seen your mother?

You think this looks better with or without the tie?

I'm trying to patch things up with Gloria.

I always feel that the slightly dressier look is the best thing.

I would go with the tie.

- You're right. Thank you. - Not at all.

- Where's intermediate French? - Don't bother me, please.

- Could you point me in the direction? - Do not bother me! I just hate that!

Gloria!

- Gloria! - Ivan! What are you doing here?

- You snuck out. - No, I didn't. You shut the clock off.

- You made me late. - I was cooking us breakfast.

- We were gonna talk. - I am a teacher, I have to be on time.

- My class is waiting. - Can you hold it for 10 minutes?

- Let's go to the park. - No, they can't, Ivan.

- What's the class? - It's conversation.

- Couldn't they just chat? - No, they can't chat. Now, look...

...meet me here at 5, all right?

No, Gloria, I can't meet you at 5.

- Meet me at 7. - No, I can't. I've got a supper thing.

Look, why can't you meet me at 5?

I've gotta meet with Alice Detroit. She's gonna do the lead in my play.

Why can't you change your supper thing?

Because I can't.

- You can't? - No, how about breakfast?

- We gotta wait till tomorrow? - Yeah, well...

Tomorrow, all right?

Wait a minute. I can't tomorrow. I gotta meet Finestein and the set designer.

Either we talk now or we wait six months.

- What's with your tie? Is that your tie? - Yeah, why?

I don't know. It's tied funny.

You wouldn't wanna risk patching things up, Gloria. Save our marriage.

Gloria?

- No, no. - He called you tu, not vous.

- We're standing in front of my class. - We're not having a conversation?

- Oh, please, Ivan. Please. - We're having a beginner's conversation?

You're not coming home again tonight.

- I'm not sure. - What does that mean?

- No. - You hear that? "No."

No, no. Ivan, l'm not leaving you for another man.

Larry? He's not a man? He's a duck?

Larry is an intimate friend whose life is faltering slightly who needs me.

You have your show. You don't need me.

- Gloria, what are you doing to us? - Ivan.

- What are you doing to us? - Ivan, l'm hurting you.

That's the kindest thing you've said in a month.

"Ivan, l'm hurting you."

Ivan, I don't want to grow old with you.

I see we're finished with kindness.

We're now moving to hatefulness and heartbreak.

Well.

- Where are you gonna be? - Gloucester.

- Not for me. For the kids. - It's in Massachusetts.

I know, I know! I'll write out the number. Larry has a house there.

- In Gloucester? - Yes, in Gloucester.

That's great. The sea.

- You're sick, Gloria. - I'm sick?

Yeah. You're sick.

You can't commit to a man, to your children.

I can't commit to a man?

You'd abandon your clothing if it made a demand of you.

What are you talking about?

Gloria, I have tried with you.

I have been faithful, I have been loving, I have been caring.

You have been none of those things!

You're at the typewriter 14 hours a day!

I'm at the typewriter because l'm a goddamn writer!

I'm lonely, Ivan!

Class dismissed.

This isn't like Travalian to be late.

Not to worry, this gives us a chance to get the play read.

You put up all that money?

Any play with Alice Detroit in the lead doesn't have to be read.

Pretend that you read the play. He's a little high-strung.

We love his play. Love it!

What's he looking for?

There's nobody here but us.

Travalian! Here.

I'm sorry l'm a little late. How late am I?

- Two hours and 10 minutes. - Oh, my God.

- I'm Ivan Travalian. - Hi, how are you?

- Hi. - Who are you guys?

"Who are you guys?" Kidding. The Dickers.

- He's Patrick. - He's Jackie.

The Dickers, Ivan.

You have the Dickers, you have greatness.

There is no better accountant than Jackie.

- Am I right? - He's the accountant. I'm the lawyer.

See what you got? One accountant, one lawyer.

Born for business greatness.

- We're backing you with 1.3 million. - Our own money.

That much? It costs that much?

That's cheap. That's because Arnold Kreplich is a superb producer.

- Mr. Broadway. - Come on, you're embarrassing me.

You've attracted a star in Alice Detroit for the lead.

- Money in the bank. - We're probably talking Tonys.

Ivan and I are gonna meet her, have a drink, clean up a few things.

- I thought she was all set. - Trouble?

- Are you kidding? - You guys ought to know...

...my wife, Gloria...

...is having an affair with an accountant...

...named Larry Kotzwinkle. - Do we know him?

We know lzzy Kotzwinkle, but he's kind of old. How old is Larry?

Forties. Late 40's.

Oh, God, no. Izzy must be 80 by now.

Why do you want to bring that up at a business lunch?

I'm so depressed.

Playwright.

I see it as a historic event.

Two major talents meeting for the first time, like Macy and Gimbel.

What are you saying?

- Macy and Gimbel. Come on! - Arnold, don't talk crazy.

I got a headache.

Put your tie on. We gotta get going.

I'm going in open-collar. More Hollywood.

We're doing theater. Have your tie on!

What?

Miss Knoph, is that you?

Sorry, Mr. Kreplich. Did I knock too softly again?

If you're gonna knock, knock!

- I know, I know. I'm sorry. - Well, what is it?

Oh, yes! Sorry. There's a Mr. Handke here to interview you...

...from Voice of Broadway. That's a program...

...broadcast all over Europe from Berlin for Armed Forces Radio.

Ms. Knoph, we are going to The Plaza to see Ms. Alice Detroit.

He said you asked him to come.

- Ms. Knoph. - I'm sorry.

Get rid of him.

Okay, Travalian, let's go.

There's one thing I forgot to tell you about the meeting.

It's nothing to get upset about overreacting...

...but there's one detail I forgot to work out.

You're hugging me, Arnold. Why?

Listen.

- I lied. - What?

Alice Detroit has not agreed to do the play.

What?

You told me she was signed to do this play.

You told the Post, you told the Times. I read it.

I did it for the good of the play. You can convince her!

You mean to tell me that you lied to me, to everybody...

...told them we had this superstar...

...and we didn't?

Now you want me to go to the Palm Court and conv...

- Where are you going? - I'm gonna see my lawyer.

- She's nearly convinced. - You locked the door.

- It's a piece of cake. - Give me the key to the door.

You threw the key out the window.

Her lawyer says she's 90 percent convinced!

I don't need 90 percent, Arnold. I need 100 percent.

It's a whole person I need. See, it's a demanding part.

This is crazy. This is 51 stories.

- Ivan. - You could kill somebody.

All you've gotta do is chat with her.

Be yourself. Be charming, be debonair and you'll convince her.

My wife left. You want me to be charming?

You wanna feed your orphanage? If you don't convince Alice...

...the Dickers will not give us the 1.3 million, under no circumstances!

No ifs, no ands, no buts, no show! Now, what do you wanna do?

Ms. Detroit? Sorry we're late.

- Ivan Travalian. - Oh, l'm so pleased.

I am so thrilled to meet you. I've read everything you've written.

- This is Ivan Travalian. - Oh, no.

- I'm Arnold Kreplich, the producer. - I blew it already, l'm sorry.

- I should have known that. I don't look like I write.

- Couldn't you just die? - Yes.

- In what sense? - The Plaza.

- Vivaldi, violins, champagne. - He loves The Plaza.

Oh, I can see why. It's so beautiful.

So...

You live in California?

Yes, absolutely. I love it.

- You spend time there? - He loves it.

He does not love California, Arnold.

You don't really care, do you?

She's just making a little chit-chat.

- Ms. Detroit, could I level with you? - Yes, I wish you would.

- This is no time to level. - This man here...

...was so anxious to have you in my play he lied to me.

He told me you were doing the part.

Now, I would love to sit and chat with you, talk to you about my play...

...if you were committed.

No, I have not committed to do your play.

Well, I mean, I just feel a little strange, you know.

I mean, I don't feel like I can sell my play to somebody else.

Spent two years writing it, I don't wanna be a salesman...

But you don't have to sell it.

I mean, your play is brilliant. It sells itself.

- It sells itself, did you hear that? - I heard that.

So do you want to do it or not?

Okay, what l'd like to do is level with you, all right?

I'm scared.

I don't know if I can do it.

Mr. Travalian, I have never worked on the stage.

I work in movies.

That's my business, where I work.

I don't know if I could carry a lead in a Broadway show.

I saw Sad Eyed Giris in the Park three times.

I know when an actress is right for the part.

- You're perfect for the part. - Did you hear that?

Yes, I heard that.

- What are those pills? - Aspirin. Why?

Why did you ask me to do your play?

The play I wrote is a serious play...

...written in a comic mode, all right?

It requires an actress that's gonna bring intelligence and truth to it.

But at the same time...

...she has to be funny, she has to act like a ditz.

Ditz.

Now, I know you haven't had much stage experience, Ms. Detroit.

You've had some and Morris Finestein's the best director with actors.

He's the best.

He's... He'll work with you. I'll be there.

I don't know. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think you could do it.

Yeah. I've heard that about you.

So?

You wanna do it?

Yeah. Yes.

- You'll do it? - Yes. Yes!

Yes. You'll do it?

You'll do the play?

Ivan, she'll do the play!

You were wonderful! You're wonderful.

He's miserable, his wife is sleeping with an accountant.

It's a celebration! We got a star!

- I gotta get the Dickers. - Go ahead.

Well, life is certainly great when it works out, isn't it?

- Would you like to make a toast? - Oh, yeah.

For the play, for you and me.

Ms. Detroit, could I call you Alice?

Alice, why do you take aspirin with champagne?

Oh, champagne gives me a headache.

Geraldo, you're bagging garbage.

I bagged the garbage two days in a row now!

Good. You're an expert, then.

Iggy, you're washing. Debbie, you're drying.

- Spike? - Eating.

Mommy was ironing my lavender dress. She must have taken it with her.

- So wear another dress. - That's the only dress that fits.

So wear one that doesn't fit.

Okay, we had breakfast, we're washing dishes, we're bagging garbage.

- We're surviving, right? Not me.

Yeah, we're doing beautifully. You wanna clean the oatmeal out of this...

...or should I just buy another one for tomorrow?

Can I ask you something?

What? Yeah.

How come you never talk about your mother, you never bring up her name?

- It's a little weird. - We talk about her.

- Yeah, lots. - Just not in front of you...

...because it gets you crazy.

- Oh, I see. Hey.

You figure she's moved out for good?

No. Absolutely not.

When she left my father, it was for good.

Yeah, my father too. Same thing.

Same for us when she left our father.

Old Gloria's got one undeniable goddamn record, Pop.

You can't knock her on consistency.

- Well, those other times were different. - Why?

Isn't it time to hit the subway?

- We're just trying to protect you. - I know, I know.

I haven't understood one word of your babbling.

She's wrong. Do you agree? Too mature.

I cut the goddamn line.

Just take it easy, will you?

Thank you.

Albie?

Albie!

You're keeping an old man waiting.

- I just have to... - l've been waiting for 45 years.

We'll get to you next. That was very special, Grunella, really.

We'll call your agent. Thank you. Really.

- Where the hell is Albie? - Who is Albie?

- Albie. The stage manager, Albie. - The stage manager is Seth Shapiro.

- Seth. - He's over there. What is the matter?

Don't bug me. Will you just give me a break?

- I told you about the audition pages. - Ivan! Ivan!

Who the hell is Albie?

You wanna know who Albie is, Morris?

I'm gonna tell you. You should know.

Albie is goddamn Gloria's hair cutter at Sassoon's.

And he has told me everything. Everything.

How she met Kotzwinkle...

...where, when, why, how often.

About their little work weekends in Armonk...

...about his goddamn beach shack in Gloucester...

...about his simpatico eyes...

...about his...

...laid-back, mellow, goddamn constant smile!

That's why the hairdo.

- Spying on your wife. - Yes, that's exactly why the hairdo.

This has not been pretty, Morris. Believe me when I tell you that.

Playwright.

Coke, speed, smack. I got it to sell.

- Loose J's, loose K's, I got it to sell. - Look, my kid's in the business.

- But I don't wanna run. - Iggy, l'm depressed. I need company.

Goddamn. All you want me around for is company.

You want money for Rolling Stones this weekend?

Have you no shame? I absolutely refuse to go running with you. Period.

Is Gloria taking the kids?

No, they're going back to their fathers. They want them back.

We're not set up for five kids and no Gloria. I couldn't handle that.

- I thought Geraldo's father was in Spain. - He is. Watch it.

- God, I hate this. - Don't complain. It depresses me.

So do we keep Geraldo? - Why? Don't like him?

I'm crazy about him.

So let's keep him. - Good.

What's with all this plastic?

What, are we having an indoor picnic?

Gloria needed some stuff for her place. I wouldn't make a big deal, okay?

Lt's all right, Geraldo. Your mother's not bad...

...she's just temporarily insane. That's why she took our silverware.

Great. I think you cheered him up. That was very good.

Geraldo, Geraldo. Stay.

Sit.

We are all depressed in this family. We'll stay depressed together. No "leavsies."

Our mom came here to tell us what was going on with her...

...to explain about moving to our father's.

Look. I think the best thing here is...

...we all just talk openly about our situation, right?

Lt's the healthiest thing to do.

All right, Spike.

What do you have to say on the family situation?

I talked to Mom when she came for the other kitchen stuff.

What other stuff? She just took the silverware.

- It was her silverware. - So who said it wasn't?

Did I say it wasn't her silverware now? Did I? No, no, no.

- Yes, you did. - I said she was insane.

I did not say she was a crook. I know the difference.

Willy Sutton was a crook. Hitler was insane. Ophelia was not a crook.

What the hell was that about?

You ask people what's on their minds and you don't listen.

Yeah? I do that. I know it.

I'm a rotten, irresponsible man, Debbie, and I beg you to forgive me.

- My father hates us. - No. That's not true, Deb. No.

I've never even met his new wife.

She's nice. I met her. I had a drink with them.

She was real nice, Deb. She's excited to see you.

- That's not true. - She'll be back.

You're not my father any more than Lefty was or Juan-Philippe was.

My mom's not coming back. She never comes back.

She just leaves.

I'm so sick of this. Do you know that?

I can imagine.

- No, you can't imagine. - No?

I am really sick of it.

I've got one natural sister, seven stepbrothers and seven stepsisters.

I've got more than 20 aunts and 26 uncles, precisely.

I've got more than nine grandparents and five great-grandparents.

I've got more than 200 cousins in America alone.

When are you gonna stop this, huh?

Huh?

I don't wanna live in Greenwich, Connecticut.

Neither does Bonnie.

But we're gonna, Ivan. We're gonna.

What happens if we hate it? Then what?

You're certainly in a bind there.

You certainly are.

I wouldn't ever get married.

Even if you paid me $ 150.

Never.

Not in my whole entire life. And that's a promise too.

You know, I guess l'll make a lot of friends in Daytona.

I mean, it's not like l'm really gonna be alone, Ivan.

I mean, there's all my dad's other kids and all. There's a whole team too, right?

I guess l'll have plenty of friends.

You're invited to stay here, Spike. You know?

I want you to know that.

You always got a home if I got one.

When your mom and I finish with this arguing business...

...I expect you to come whipping right back here.

Yep. My mom doesn't ever get over arguing. Ever, Ivan.

So's if I were you, l'd stop waiting for her to, okay?

I had to do that for the longest time when she and my dad first broke up.

She never came back.

I mean, first she married Juan-Philippe, then she married you.

She don't even think about my dad. I know that for a fact.

Once she's mad, she just stays mad.

That's why I never let her get real mad at me. I just make sure she doesn't.

If I did let her get real mad at me, I wouldn't have no mom, right?

And that would be awful.

Oh, God, Debbie. There's Daddy.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I really feel sick.

If you start crying, Bonnie, so help me God, l'm gonna bat you one.

I'm not crying. I'm not crying.

He brought them all.

Who's the curly-haired kid? Dad's or hers?

Hers.

Let's go, okay?

You guys ready?

Hi. Hi, Daddy.

Hi, sweetheart. I'll take that.

Come on. Hi, Bonnie. - Hi, Daddy.

Meet your brothers and sisters. Have a good time.

Hi. - Kids. Say hi to Debbie and Bonnie.

- This is Debbie, Bonnie. Hi!

Everybody in the car. Let's go.

Let's go, Dad. Debbie or Bonnie?

Okay. All right. In you go.

Spike, can you do something for me?

Yeah, what?

- Ask your dad to sign this ball for me? - Yeah, sure thing, Geraldo.

- I'm gonna miss you guys. - We'll write, Spike.

Of all my mom's families, this has been the best.

Be careful. Stay away from the junk food. Eat plenty of grapefruit.

My dad's gonna be great? Perfect.

Mom. Hey, Mom! - Hey, baby.

- Hi, Mom. - Hey.

- Did you talk to Dad? - Yes, we talked and he's really excited!

- You're gonna have a wonderful time. - No, I don't really mind.

- I love you, Spafford. - I love you too, Mom.

How you doing? How's the jungle treating you? Okay?

- Yeah. Yeah, great. You? - Okay.

- In from Gloucester, huh? - Yeah, yeah.

It's really easy. You get the Eastern shuttle at Logan, comes right in.

It goes right back.

It was very thoughtful of you to come here.

Well, he is my kid, isn't he?

So how come you're shipping him back to the minors?

Ivan, if you make a scene here...

...I swear to God l'll never speak to you as long as I live, okay?

Okay. - Okay.

Okay. Now, let's get this show on the road.

Want me to carry it? - That's okay.

Spike.

- See you, Spike. Bye, guys.

I'll give him your ticket!

Spike. Hold on, Spike. Come here.

Here you go. - Bye-bye.

Have a good trip. Bye.

- Wait! - Bye.

I'm not taking this snow as a danger signal on my first day of rehearsal.

I'm gonna keep a positive spirit.

- Iggy. - What?

- Tie this damn thing, will you? - What've you done?

How can she leave, knowing I have dress-up functions?

How'd you get to be 40 without knowing how to tie a tie?

You don't tie shoelaces, so don't put me down.

Your mom used to tie my ties. Before her, his mom.

- Geraldo, don't. - Can you tie shoes...

...you little put-down artist? - I don't need to tie shoes.

I got loafers. There's nothing wrong with loafers, right?

- You gonna stand there or pee? - I can't with you watching.

- Why not? - I don't know why not.

Because l'm Spanish.

English with tears is English with honor. Never be ashamed.

"Ted pushes the old German into the language immersion sack with Edith.

He struggles."

Why are you doing this to me?

You've gotta go in the sack before I go in. Okay?

All right. Okay.

- Okay? Okay? - Okay, okay.

Once again I learned to lower myself in the name of higher learning.

Mr. Finestein said to skip Edith's final monologue.

Lights fade out. The play is over.

- She's perfect! - I smell money.

She is divine. Simply divine.

Uh... Um...

That was really wonderful, you guys. It was...

- Alice, you have a future. - Thank you.

Great, really. Hey, more than I deserve. Thank you.

Okay, everybody. Take five. Then we'll start again at the beginning.

Thank you. Very nice.

The coffee's ready. But don't wander too far...

...because l'll need you really soon. Alice, you were terrific.

Well, it has no social significance, but maybe we'll make it entertaining.

Maybe. You know, if you can fix the second act. You remember that act.

Thank you, Morris.

What did Finestein say?

He loves the play, Arnold. He loves it.

- See, I found that very helpful. I meant to tell you.

You are going to have a bigger part.

Fresh coffee for Papa. - Oh, thank you, lg.

- I'll get it. - Let the machine.

This is the answering machine...

...of the Travalian family. Please leave your message after you hear the beep.

My name is Detroit. Alice, not Nathan.

I was going to call and pretend to talk about the play, but...

...actually l'm alone and having a small, not unsightly, sexual fantasy...

...featuring a fellow who looks remarkably like toi-meme.

French.

Listen, Ivan. I'll be on the corner of 7th Avenue and West 4th...

...in exactly 51 minutes and 12 seconds.

Now, I have a digital watch, sad to say, making it precisely...

...at this very moment, 11 p.m.

If you're not there, I will either take my life or I will not.

And you won 't know which choice l've made until rehearsal tomorrow.

If you do choose to join me, however, I will make it well worth your while.

Oh.

Ivan, I know your wife dumped you and l'm all alone, so, what the hell, huh?

This is Alice Detroit. Bye.

If I were you, l'd spend 50 minutes dressing and a minute and 12 seconds...

...sprinting to the corner of 7th Avenue and West 4th Street.

Taxi.

There weren't a whole lot of Armenians in Bridgeport.

I mean, not what you'd call a huge Armenian community.

I actually wasn't an Armenian till I was 7.

- What? You weren't Armenian till 7? - Till 7.

You weren't born Armenian? You converted to it?

Yeah, sort of. I was an orphan. I was adopted.

Really?

I was what they call an abandoned child. I was found in an apple crate...

...on the steps of a police station in West Bridgeport.

What'd your daddy do?

- He was in the apple crate business. - No, no.

- That's a joke, right? - Yeah. He taught fifth grade.

- Really? - Yeah.

Were you in his class?

- No. - No?

I don't think l've ever known an Armenian. I mean, besides you.

How do you know if someone's Armenian?

Well, you can always tell an Armenian...

...because his last name rhymes with the word Armenian.

Armenian!

See that?

A game can go on too long, you know.

- You wanna go up? - I could, I suppose.

I think we should. Yeah.

You planning to do it with me?

I have hope in that direction, yes.

Quickie, or are you spending the night?

Lady's choice.

Up here with me? My hunch is it's a quickie.

You're sensational, Alice.

Can I help you?

We're just going up to her house for a quickie.

I beg your pardon?

- You said you lived here. - No.

- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.

- She didn't say she lived here? - She doesn't live here.

See? I never said I did and I don't. Listen, he's really insistent.

Would you maybe just let us use somebody's place for 10, 20 minutes?

Are you kidding me?

- Where do you live? - 10485th.

- Give me the key. - What about me?

I don't know. I'm very anxious. Whoa!

I guess everybody figures:

New York playwright, sleeps all over the place, right?

- Right. It isn't true? - It's true, it's true, of course.

It's just that I never feel at ease, Alice.

I always feel l'm cheating on my wife.

- Even now. - Really?

She lives with Larry. How can you feel it's cheating?

I felt that way before I was married.

I mean, l'm never at ease. Are you at ease?

- In sexual relationships? - Don't tell me. I don't wanna hear it.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know. I feel as though every woman I sleep with over 10 times...

...I have to marry. - I know about that one.

I mean, that's a problem.

- What do you do? Leave the woman? - I marry them.

You... Really?

I went over 10 with Estelle, Gloria...

Otherwise, nine. That's my limit.

Ivan, this is only once for us.

Double or nothing?

- What's the occasion? - Oh, l've gotta go to a charity ball.

Get my picture taken in front of Roseland among the beautiful people.

What I will do to sell tickets for my play.

What do you think? Lggy?

Depends.

If you're singing with a big band and it's real late, say 2 a.m., it's fine. Perfect.

Yeah, that's funny, lg. Thank you.

Are you gonna marry this actress you're sleeping with? This Alice Detroit?

Are you gonna marry her or what?

If I wasn't a major, major playwright, l'd be a professional ballroom dancer.

There wasn't an orphan in all Connecticut could out-dance me.

- I haven't done this in 10 years. - Ballroom dancer. Well, you know what?

If we lived together, we could dance like this every night.

- Live together? - Yeah, live together.

- You mean, like, together? - Together.

- Same house kind of thing. - My place. I have a huge sublet.

Listen, we don't have to make a big commitment. We could just try it.

I got kids at home, Alice. You just don't try out living with kids at home.

I have strong, strong feelings for you. You know that.

We've slept together many, many times, way over 10...

...which is a significant thing. - I've got it!

I could move into your place.

Alice.

Alice, please. Hear me out. Look.

I can't let you move in with me. I can't. I can't do that to the kids.

I can't do it to myself. I can't do it to you.

I care for you, Alice, I do. I care.

But I can't consummate this thing as though it were a marriage. That's crazy.

Okay?

You can't move in. It's out of the question.

Oh, Ivan! Would you be careful, please? That's my favorite chair.

- I mean, it... Ivan! Oh, Ivan! - I got it. I got. I got it.

You got it? Oh, God. - I got it.

- I better help you. - No, no. I got it. I got it.

You two standing there looking at me. Are you nuts or what? Come on.

Grab an end of this thing.

- Grab an end. All right, boys. Ready?

Ruptured myself getting it in there. Doing brain damage getting it out.

- Ivan, easy. - She doesn't have an insane amount.

Just a couple of chairs, a couple of boxes.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Would you like some more, Geraldo?

- I'm lgor. He's Geraldo. - Oh, l'm sorry.

It's easy to tell them apart. Geraldo speaks with a Spanish accent.

What are you putting me down for that for?

- Honey, what's the matter? Stop.

- Here. - I got a chip in my throat.

Drink some water. Drink some water. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. Usually the potato chip gets really soft.

No, no, no. He's doing it to make you uncomfortable. Iggy.

He's...

- Jesus, there's chips in this stuff. - Drink some water.

- Oh, Jesus. - It's okay.

I'm gonna live. Oh, my God.

- Here. - Thank you. Thanks very much.

Roll it over. Laundry day.

It's laundry day. Roll over.

Okay, okay. Seth, that's it.

Okay, I want everyone back here at 7:30 for the refugee arrival scene. Okay?

The refugee arrival scene. 7:30.

You worked on that accent or is that how you've always talked?

- It was really nice. Oh, is this yours? This is divine.

- Oh, thank you. - What a fabulous look.

- I love it. - Oh, it's great on you.

- It goes well with your hair. What color? - Peach divine.

Ready to go? - Is it edible?

- Have a good dinner. You too.

Do you think he's bisexual? - He never looked at a woman in his life.

So we going home?

Oh, um...

Morris asked to go over last night's notes. We can eat at Joe Allen's.

Well, I gotta go home, sling some hash with a couple of cowboys.

Oh, okay. Well, l'll see you here later?

- Okay. - Okay.

Mom's home.

Hi, Gloria.

You look great.

You look great yourself.

Where'd you get the chair?

So, what do you say I pop a funky cassette in and we'll all boogie on down?

- All right. Gloria.

- All right. Who is she? - For God's sake, Gloria. I mean...

- I wanna know who she is. What is this? - Really.

What is this? A nametag?

She sews her name in her underwear? What is she, a camper?

You getting them that young now?

I can't read this name. What is this? What does it say?

Alice Detroit.

- The actress? - She's in my play.

- You're shtupping an actress? - Don't be grotesque.

- You brought an actress into my home? - Yes.

- In front of my children? - An actress, Gloria. Not an anarchist.

Eight weeks! Eight lousy weeks and you brought another woman into my home!

- Are you kidding or what? - It is I who ordered those curtains...

...and every lick of furniture in here and this bed you sleep in with that bitch!

Sit on the bed, shut your mouth or so help me, l'll hit you with this chair.

That is a table!

Okay?

How could you do it?

How could you move another woman into my home?

What happened to Larry, Gloria? He dump you?

No! No, he most certainly did not dump me.

Oh, no? So, what's the deal here?

You walk out on me, not eight weeks ago, Gloria, 11 weeks ago.

A whole season of the year has passed.

It was fall, with football in it. It is now winter, with hockey in it.

Gloria, answer me. Gloria, what is going on?

I don't know.

I don't know. I'm so confused.

You could drive me crazy, you know that? Really crazy.

Larry is a wonderful man.

- I'm thrilled to hear this. - A wonderful man, but he's not you.

I figured that when he scratched his leg and I felt nothing. I said, "He's not me."

How can you joke at a time like this?

I joke, you sob, what difference does it make? We're both miserable.

Oh, Ivan.

Iván, I miss you. I miss the family.

I miss the bickering and the sprouts and the toilet seat up.

- I miss it. I miss it. - I knew you would.

- Are you in love with this woman? - With Alice?

No. No, with Sy Peck, the Arts and Leisure editor of the Sunday Times.

That was funny.

- Are you? - No.

I do not love Alice Detroit.

I did not actually conceptualize that fact till this very moment.

No. I love you.

Gloria, I miss you and our family so much I could vomit.

I'd take you back in a minute, Gloria.

Not too many questions asked.

Larry and I are moving to the Good Harbor Beach Inn in Massachusetts.

We're there for a three-month trial and if it works...

...we'll be married on Larry's birthday in March.

Okay.

Okay. I guess I should get back to rehearsal.

Enough taking time off from work for fun.

- You can keep the night table, Gloria. - No.

I just wanna say that you are the craziest person l've seen today...

...since the guy blocking the bank door.

He was wearing a Superman cape and pantyhose. Crazier than you.

Maybe not.

"Object of the language conversion sack is to immerse the student..."

- I mean, is it boring? Lvan.

Iván, there's no other way to say this, we are in trouble in the second act.

I can't do the fakakta speech. I sound like Richard Nixon.

Can we talk alone? - The play dies.

We need something funny or visual. We're going along. It's sailing.

Then suddenly it stops. It's dead.

- Will you excuse us? - What are you...?

But l'm standing up here making a fool out of myself. I need help from you.

Excuse us a minute, Morris, please.

- But where are you...? - Iván, when do I get the rewrite?

You get it soon, I promise you. I promise you.

- Are you coming back? Yeah, l'll see you later.

- Are the kids okay? - Yeah.

Alice, if I asked you to move out, would you quit the play?

If you asked me to move out, would I quit the play?

- No. I would not leave the play. - You wouldn't?

No, I would not.

Oh, Ivan.

I'd be so relieved to move out. Really, don't you know that?

You wouldn't hate me?

No. No.

No, I wouldn't hate you. I'm crazy about you.

Why, Alice? Is something wrong with you?

Yeah.

"Alice doesn't live here anymore"? Don't you think that's funny?

I myself never saw the movie. I don't know.

I'm still hung up on your mother, kid.

Who, my mother or his mother?

His mother.

I gotta do rewrites. Hold the fort, all right?

Hello.

Hello?

- Hello, is somebody there? Who is it, Gloria?

Hello.

- Jesus, I really hate that. What's the matter?

Some damn pervert calling, breathing.

Okay, you have a good day.

Hi. I'm from troop 638 and l'm selling Girl Scout cookies.

Well, l'm gonna be writing the second act now.

We are not going to read it again. We've read through it 10 times!

It makes no sense. It doesn't work! Did you hear it?

Morris, you're screaming at me.

Yes, I am screaming! I waited two weeks for a goddamn rewrite.

And when I get it, it worsens the problem.

No. No, Ivan, it doesn't worsen the problem.

It doesn't even address the problem.

Have you ever read English With Tears by Ivan Travalian?

I wonder, because these pages are not germane!

I've been a little flaky lately. I've been...

A little flaky?

You are doing everything within your power to sink and submerge this ship.

- I'm not going down with you! - That's your attitude?

Either you come up with a rewrite...

Excuse me. But this is most embarrassing for all of us up here.

So we are going home until tomorrow, right? Till tomorrow.

Hey! Hey, hello? Hey. Hey, hey, l'm the father.

- You're Ivan Travalian? - Yeah, why?

Show him the picture, Kapinsky. You know these two kids, Mr. Travalian?

There's no two girls in this house.

We would never hide two girls in this house.

We didn't even think he'd notice we were gone.

Are we gonna go to jail? I'm not gonna cry!

Come on, Bon. You're not gonna go to jail.

I mean, this is reasonably explainable, Lieutenant Kapinsky.

He's Kapinsky. I'm Lieutenant Glass.

Okay. What if I were to keep them for a couple of days?

Just a week. I know their dad. I've talked to him.

No way. Look, Mr. Travalian.

I got a father and a detective filling out papers. I gotta hand the kids over first.

Then you work it out between you, l'm all for that. I got kids of my own.

I'm not married.

Policemen are doing their job, doll. You gotta go to your dad...

- No! - It's unfair. He doesn't want us, anyway.

Come on, Deb. He's gone through a lot of trouble to bring you back.

Only because he's suing Gloria to stop the support payments.

What? - That's the truth.

Lieutenant Glass and Officer Kapinsky are just doing what they gotta...

But, Ivan, I don't wanna g...

Shh. Shh. Shh.

You're gonna go upstairs now. We'll pack our suitcases.

We're gonna leave for Greenwich tonight with Dad.

Tomorrow I call him on the phone, maybe a couple of days.

I wait until things calm down a little. Okay?

- Why can't they stay with us, damn it? - Geraldo, go practice.

I don't wanna practice.

Okay, okay.

Hang tough.

Okay, you guys, come on. Let's go upstairs and pack. Come on.

- There's more Cokes in the fridge, okay? - Hey, no sweat.

We'll make it snappy. - They're really cute.

Okay, okay. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go!

Where we going? - We're making a break for it.

Easy, easy, easy. Let's go. Come on.

Where are we going? To the roof.

To the roof? Why are we going to the roof?

I'm not giving you over to the cops or your father.

You're not going back...

- Rotten child support payments... Come on, will you hurry?

I don't like this. I don't like this. - This is crazy.

- Think something's weird, Kapinsky. - Think maybe they just like salads?

Come on, let's go.

Hurry up. Let's go.

Where are you climbing? Will you hurry?

You're stepping on my fingers. I'm not.

Exactly, you're stepping on it. - Christ, l'll bet we're trapped.

Help me. Stop, that tickles.

You want me to pull you by your hair?

This must be 1000 feet. Okay.

After 90, it doesn't matter. I'm gonna faint.

How do you get off this thing?

I knew it!

You're not gonna go back to Greenwich. I'll find a way.

Great choices: Boring Greenwich or violent death.

There's no way off this roof. Shut up.

Pop, over here!

I knew it. What if the cops find us?

We treated them decent. - They can bust us down for this.

You wanna slip into a loincloth and swing across to St. Vincent's?

Great. I'm facing 75 years for kidnapping...

...and l'm trapped on a roof with Henny Youngman.

Travalian! Damn it. Travalian! - He's making a fool of us, Kapinsky.

Okay.

I think I hear the cops. Oh, God, can they get up here at us?

I hear them up there. They're definitely on the roof.

Yeah, I hear them. I can hear them.

What have I done?

They've got it jammed shut. Let me give it a shove.

Forget it! No more Mr. Nice Guy. I'll lock this bastard up for this.

Now what?!

Tell the sergeant to get the squad car and the kids' father over here right away.

Lvan.

- Ivan Travalian. it's Daddy. That's Daddy.

it's me, Roger. Roger Slessinger.

Oh, my God. They got us surrounded.

What do you see? What?

Our picture on page six of the New York Post.

I have done something really crazy.

Look, Ivan, l'm down here on the street with a bunch of cops.

Or police officers.

This is embarrassing. For God's sake, send Debbie and Bonnie down here.

The cops think you may be doing something sexual with them.

That is about the sickest thing l've ever heard, Roger.

I've heard many sick things in my life. I'm a playwright, for God's sake.

I didn 't suggest that, Ivan. The cops did.

Hey, this is Lieutenant Glass.

Mr. Travalian, you'd better show the little girls.

Oh, my God. What have I done? What have I done?

This is great, threats. You know what's next?

They'll come at us from St. Vincent's with Sten guns. Maybe napalm.

Daddy, Daddy. Don't shoot anybody. We're fine. We're okay.

That's Debbie. Where's your sister?

- She's right here. - Come on, Bon. Show yourself.

They probably won't shoot.

This isn't fair. We're not supposed to go to Connecticut. Mommy won us in court.

- What? What? - I said, this isn't fair.

Mommy won us in court, not him.

She speaks the truth. The kid speaks the truth.

Okay.

The mother of these girls has legal custody.

That man does not have legal custody over these two little girls.

- Can you follow my message? Come on, Ivan.

You know as well as I do that bitch has no rights. Not anymore.

Gloria Travalian, the mother of these girls...

...among others, who is also my wife...

...has legal custody over these girls. I won't give them to that man there...

...who does not have legal custody.

And that is why we're all huddled up here on the roof...

...as though we were acting in a Fellini film.

What's he talking about? - Mafia connections?

Come on, Ivan.

- I hope what he's saying isn't... - Don't be ridiculous.

Who's got legal custody of the girls, Mr. Slessinger? You or the missus?

it's a little complicated.

This is just a formality, Mr. Travalian. It covers you just as much as it covers us.

I'm sure it does.

- Iggy. - Got it.

See, we weren't accusing. We were just doing our jobs. I'm sure this house...

...is just as normal as my own.

That is a very complicated idea, Officer Glass, very complicated.

- I'm kind of embarrassed about this, lv. - Oh, Rog. Come on.

No ex-husband of Gloria's ever has to apologize to me for anything.

We are like a little club.

My friend Arnold asked if he could stay tonight. I said okay.

Hello, Mr. Travalian.

Hello, Arnold. How's the game leg, kid?

Oh, great. Hello, Mr. Slessinger. How's Greenwich?

- Fine. How you doing? Say, lv. - Now, listen, Roger.

- Iv, isn't... - Stop calling me "lv."

I hate nicknames. That's Arnold, Roger. Arnold.

- Arnold. - Okay.

I don't wanna rush you guys, but I got an act to rewrite.

- Fine. - You got your man, your kids, whatever.

We should be going.

Will you show these gentlemen to the door, Roger? I am losing my mind.

Don't take in any more stray kids, Mr. Travalian.

All right, l'll just have the girls say their goodbyes, okay?

Debbie, Bonnie. Daddy's going back to Greenwich. Say your goodbyes.

Spike.

- Spike, your father know you're here? - Yeah, he drove me to the plane and all.

- He did? - Is it okay if I move back in with you?

- Yeah, of course. Didn't work out, kid? - No. It's a long story.

You're thinner, kid. That's good.

Who is it? Lggy, the door.

it's not the door. The phone. - Not the phone, it's the door.

Here, here. Go ahead.

Geraldo.

- I didn't do nothing. - The phone's for you, Geraldo.

- The phone's for you. I just can't stand this. Here.

Hello?

Hello! Oh, hi.

Okay? I threw my grandmother's chair on the floor.

- You're a little hysterical. - How can the phone be ringing?

it's the door.

it's Mr. Finestein and Mr. Kreplich. They seem a little upset.

it's not a question... I have...

Morris, Arnold. Please. I got cops and Roger here.

I'm about to go down in history as the producer of the biggest disaster...

...since the Titanic and you're playing cops and robbers.

Excuse me, he said cops and Roger. Me. I'm Roger.

- Slessinger. Ivan's wife's ex-husband. - What?

Here. Thank you. - Ivan.

I've got the second act problem licked.

I can't think now.

You can't think now? Maybe these pages will help you.

- Arnold, please. Arnold, please. - No, no, no. I want him to hear it.

I am not Fritz, Edith. And I am not German.

I am Larry Kotzwinkle, accountant and lover extraordinaire.

An entire production is waiting for the goddamn rewrites...

...and you hand me Kotzwinkle and your goddamn wife!

- You're screaming. - That's screaming?

That is not screaming. This is screaming!

Arnold. Arnold, take it easy. Relax. Relax.

- Ivan, let me just bounce this off you. - Okay, bounce, bounce.

- It's very simple. - Okay.

Instead of her getting in the sack and speaking English, Ted!

Ted climbs in with the German and he speaks like a teacher.

- That can't work. - What do you mean?

Ted speaks German to the German. It won't work.

No. But if Ted gets in the sack instead of Edith...

It vitiates the whole reason...

You didn't hear the last part. I'll bounce it off you.

- Let him bounce. - I can't concentrate.

Let me bounce it off you. Look at the script, page 96.

I can't think about it.

- Let me bounce it off you. - Let him bounce!

Let me bounce it off you, Morris, and let me bounce that off you. Good bounce?

Ivan, your mind has snapped.

You poor bastard.

No pity, Morris. I don't need pity. I know what I gotta do.

I put you guys in the soup, l'll get you out of the soup.

Give me 24 hours, I will deliver the pages you want. 24 hours.

Where you going? - Gloucester. Get my wife.

- The kids are back, she's coming back. - What are you doing?

No more waiting, l'm taking action.

You shouldn't. You're just gonna get hurt again.

Okay, lggy. Iggy. - You can't just run off.

You're in charge, lg. Everyone's in charge.

Only lggy's mostly in charge.

- I'm bringing your mother back. No. Wait!

Stop. Don't let him go. Don't leave!

His mind has snapped.

Taxi! Taxi!

Listen, take me to Gloucester, Massachusetts.

Gloucester, Mass? What, are you kidding me?

I'll do 50 dollars over the meter.

For 100 over, I could do it. - You got it. Let's go.

They're on a dock, painting. Painting in the snow.

Painting? In 40 below?

- Turn it around and wait for me. - Okay, you got it.

Do you think...?

Oh, my God.

What is it?

- What, is that your husband? - Mm-hm.

What's he doing here?

Get out of my way. Just get out of my way.

Hi there. I'm Larry Kotzwinkle. L...

Now, look, pal. I have not hit anybody in 30 years, but l'll tell you...

...I am capable of doing tremendous damage just now, okay? So back off.

Now, look, look. We are just two guys. We gotta be able to talk.

When I worked harder than I ever did in my life, you took my wife to your bed...

...away from her children and husband.

While I have done many miserable things...

...I have never, ever, ever gotten it on with another man's wife.

She wasn't married to the Spanish dancer when you met her?

Don't prove me wrong, Larry. I hate it. It makes me crazy.

So you're gonna get out of my way or so help me God, l'll kick your ass...

...from here to Newark and that's a lot of kicking, let me tell you.

- Hey. She's your wife. - You noticed, huh?

- Okay, Gloria. - What are you doing?

I'm taking you back. Pulling you out of the jungle.

- You're crazy. No. - All right.

- Hey, hey, hey. Come on. Easy, man. - Ivan, let go.

- I should've done this months ago. - Let go of me!

Your kids have all come home. Their fathers don't want them. Back off.

- Back off. Watch it. - You put me down!

- We need you, Gloria. - I'm not doing it.

Go ahead. Finish your painting. Come on.

- Ivan, put me down! - Back off!

- You wanna go down? All right. - Just take your hands off me.

- Just get up and walk to the car. - I'll walk on my own.

- Go ahead. Go ahead. - You piss me off so much.

- Piss me off so much too. - You don't want a wife, but a babysitter.

- They're yours mostly. - Lf they're too much, send them to me.

They're not too much for me, goddamn you!

Fine. Leave me out of it. Let me stay here and marry Larry.

You will not abandon your kids.

I am not abandoning them.

I am leaving you. Can't you get that through your head?

There's a difference, you know.

- Ivan. - Gloria, get in the cab.

Come on.

Ivan, wait.

Listen to me. You can force me back into the house, but sooner or later...

...l'm leaving, because that's what I am. That's what I do.

I don't know why you won't believe me.

I figure a marriage is good for two, maybe three years.

- We haven't had a failure. - What are you talking about?

Don't interrupt me!

I'm not a character in one of your plays.

You did not write me. I'm me. I'm Gloria.

I get married a lot. I have a lot of kids. It's me.

I don't know why you're so surprised.

You cast me in a role. You begged me to marry you.

It's like you have some deep need to be left.

You know? And then you're surprised. You're surprised that l'm moving on.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Ivan.

But I am...

...what I am.

- Get out. Get out. - Ivan, wait. Wait!

Ivan, there are people here...

People!

About five of them are your kids, Gloria. One of them's your husband.

We are people, Gloria. Bonnie, Debbie, Spike, lgor.

- I will not hear this. - You will goddamn hear this!

You're so goddamn sophisticated, so goddamn worldly, goddamn educated!

You goddamn give birth to kids as though they're not people!

They're people, Gloria!

You leave husbands and children every couple years...

...like you're some goddamn salmon going upstream to spawn.

You go from one husband to another. We're not steppingstones.

Gloria, we're people.

You have been unthinking, uncaring, cold, heartless bitch.

And I don't want you back.

Don't swim around here. It's shark-infested.

Don't go in the water. Give the sharks a break.

Thanks for the extra 100, man.

I'm home, gang. You still here?

How you doing? You're home.

You okay? - Yeah, l'm fine. I'm great.

Where is she?

- Don't ask. - Mom's not coming home?

Don't ask.

No, your mom's not coming back. Not here.

And not to be my wife.

- We're gonna get, you know... - Divorced.

- That's the word. - We tried to tell you not to go for her.

- When she goes, she goes. - Yeah, and she goes for good.

Well, I can help with the cooking.

Come on, we gotta get Marco Polo here into bed.

Let's go. - He's tired from his travels.

- How'd you manage without me? Good.

- I'm not going in there. Yes, you are!

I'm too tired to sleep.

- Night, Ivan. - Good night, darling.

- Night, Ivan. I'm glad you're home. - I'm glad l'm home too, honeys.

It's easy to come home when I got you guys waiting.

Same for us too.

Listen.

I don't know if I can keep you here, you know, without your mother.

- Don't you want us here? - I want you. Of course I want you, Deb.

I want you. I would never let you go.

You know that. I swear. I would die before I let you go.

But you may have to choose between your real mom and your real dad.

We choose you, Ivan. That's why we came back here.

We choose you. And we'll say it in court if we have to.

We decided.

Well, that's good.

That's good. Okay.

What I really wanted was a Luis Aparicio, maybe a Valenzuela.

But, of course, an Ed Figueroa.

I had an Aparicio autograph, but I sold it for four bucks to a tourist.

Jeez, I don't know, Geraldo. I got a couple, but these guys.

I don't know. Maybe these.

Oh, my God! Goddamn Figueroa five times! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Aparicio, one, two, five, six. Six Aparicios!

- Oh, my God, Spike! Oh, my God! - Keep them, kid. They're yours.

Oh, my God!

Igor, these are for you.

This is Yaz! God! Goddamn! Three times! Oh, my God!

Three times! Spike! Oh, Spike! Spike, how did you know? Oh, my God!

it's great being back here with you two jerks.

- Takes a jerk to know a jerk. - You ought to know, newt.

I bet we've got the bestest house in the whole state here.

Is that supposed to be cute? The "bestest house"?

You know what I mean.

I mean, l've lived in seven places, counting here.

- Right now l'm looking to stay put. - Me too. I'm staying until l'm married.

You guys don't see me packing up and moving out, do you?

Your dad's the best for living with kids I ever lived with.

Even the best l've ever heard of, real or step.

Yeah, he's definitely one of us, as much as a grownup can be.

We must never let him know this, however.

What are you talking this crap for? You trying to butter me up?

Where's the little hand, Geraldo?

- Okay, okay. - Okay.

Dive in.

Okay, as long as I got a house, you guys got a house.

And I always plan to have a house.

- Good night. - Good night, kid.

Daddy? - Yeah?

Daddy, for you. Pesky on a 1947 Series card...

...signed by Pesky and both DiMaggios. - No.

I traded it with one of the players for some rare Oakland programs.

I can't handle this.

Hey. I gotta go to the theater. Get some sleep.

You woke me up, damn it!

But Mrs. Teacher, you want me to climb into the sack?

Please, Mr. Himmel, just get into the sack.

Yes, but why? Tell him, Ted.

Well, Mr. Himmel, I... I don't actually know why.

I know why.

You shouldn't interrupt the teacher, Mr. Siciliano.

Why not?

- You think he wants us to wear dresses? - Ivan? Never. He hates dresses.

Hurry up with this, lg, please. I'm hysterical.

How do I look?

You look like a pimp, Geraldo.

These are the only clothes I own!

That's not true. I got you a little beige suit at Brooks Brothers. It's there.

I look like some kind of businessman in that suit.

You're too short to be a businessman. Come here.

- What's this? What's this? That one.

- Put this one on. Come on. - What's wrong with looking like a pimp?

- Hey, how do I look? Real classy, eh? - Yeah. What's on your feet?

- Shoes. - No, those are shoe substitutes.

I don't wanna wear those.

My play is opening tonight. Critics, critics.

- Geraldo, Geraldo. Let's go. - Ivan, how's this? Is this okay?

This is a Broadway show, not a square dance hoedown, girls.

- Put dresses on. - Dresses? I hate dresses!

- Me too. - You are girls. You'll wear dresses.

Let's go. Quickly, quickly, quickly! Can't you see l'm anxious?

You're a fine, fine cast of actors. Really, major talents.

Get him out of here. I need some time.

- What are you talking about. - It's not your fault.

Ivan, it's time to give them a little relaxation.

Time to concentrate. Break a leg, everybody!

Goodbye. - Everything'll be fine. Don't worry.

- Just have a good time. Goodbye. Good luck. Ivan.

- I'll talk to you later. - All right.

- See, well... We'll do it. Break a leg.

Please, Mr. Himmel, just get into the sack.

Yes, but why? Tell him, Ted.

Well, Mr. Himmel, I...

- I don 't actually know why. There you are.

What are you doing here? Couldn't stand it?

I didn't go back after intermission. Everybody was looking for you.

Mr. Finestein said you might be sweating it out.

Yeah. The kids okay? They're all back there?

Ten bucks? Look, l'm only earning 20 for teaching this rotten class.

Oh, God. No laugh.

Let's see, now.

They didn't laugh.

Oh, lggy, this play's gotta work.

- It's gotta make it. - It'll work, Pop. It's a great play.

It's gotta work. It's gotta work.

I got a lot of mouths to feed.

- Yeah. Eight actors. Big cast. - Them too.

I mean us, the family. Gotta feed us.

Are we gonna keep Gloria's kids?

You know, this is a tough thing for me to say out loud.

But nobody wants Gloria's kids. Gloria doesn't want them, that's for sure.

What'll we do? Nobody wants them. Nobody'll fight for them in court.

Nobody.

Nobody loves them enough to give them a home.

We've gotta give them a home, lg.

We've gotta do it.

That's why this play's gotta work.

It's gotta make it.

I need money if we're gonna have a home.

Pop, it's gonna be a smash. I know it is.

It's gotta be.

You're a great son, lgor.

Wait till you see my chemistry grade before you draw any conclusions.

- What are you telling me? What? - Just kidding.

Oh, lggy.

Been tough, huh? Hanging around all these years, waiting for me to grow up?

Hm.

The only thing I really regret about your being my father...

...is I inherited your tremendous nose.

Did you buy it? The finish? Excuse me.

Klein was enthralled! Goddamn Klein was goddamn enthralled!

Ivan.

- Ivan, we got Klein. "Enthralled." - Huh? Huh?

Klein was enthralled! Klein was enthralled.

Klein was enthralled.

- Enthralled? - He loved it!

We got a clean sweep of the TV. I know we got a rave in the news.

The Post hated it. But we get the Times, we're in.

Wait a minute. If we don't get the Times, we don't run?

Let me tell you.

In this town, you don't get a rave from The New York Times, you close.

I don't care if Klein was enthralled and reached orgasm.

Without The New York Times, we're dead.

How bad could the Times be?

They heard the audience screaming, yelling, "Author, author!"

It could be a disaster. Opening of Mackerel Skies...

...the audience yelled, "Author, author!"

- What's Mackerel Skies? - Exactly.

- Oh, God. - Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Okay, kids. Okay. Come on, let's go. Say your good nights.

- Come on. We're heading downtown. - Ivan, where are you going?

- We'll have our review soon. - It's okay.

- Ivan, what is it with you? - Nothing. I'm gonna go home.

Call me in the morning. Let me know what happens. Come on. Here we go.

- Night, night. - Ivan? The Times, Ivan. The Times!

Pop. Pop. Look, you're gonna go to bed without knowing the Times review?

- What are you, nuts? Come on, let's go. - Where are we going?

All right. Come on. Look. Wait for me. Wait.

Hold it! Drive more carefully. Geraldo.

Watch out, you nitwit!

- Hey. Wait for me. Here, here.

Geraldo. Geraldo, come here. Don't get lost.

- How soon before the Times comes? - Should be here any minute.

Why are we here? What are we doing?

- The review. - Oh.

You know, even if your play's a big flop, l'm still gonna love you.

- Definitely. - I needed that, guys.

- Listen, Pop. - Yeah.

You're a relatively young man still. You'll write other plays.

I hated that, lg. Really, I hated that.

When Matt Vogel's father's store made big November profits...

...he bought Matt a snake. If this play's a hit, can I get a snake?

Let's see what the Times says.

This is it!

Can l...?

Can I have one? Please, please? Grab one off the...

Fifty cents for two of them, buddy. Guys, don't grab.

I got one. Let me see what's going on.

- Come on, will you hurry? - Stop, stop.

Hurry! Come on! Turn the page already.

No, no, no...

- Yeah, Pop, here it is, page 25. - I got it.

- What does chef-d'oeuvre mean? it's French.

I know that, I just don't know what it means.

It means Geraldo gets his snake.

it's a rave! it's a rave!