All language subtitles for Mr._Mayor_S02E07.Murder in the Old West.eng

Well, I just got ambushed about how much

the I-Team is costing us.

Your I-Team experiment
has run its course, sir.

James, on to your next
consulting project...

Figuring out how few cashews
you can put in a trail mix

before customers get upset.

The answer is nine, but I do
actually have some good news.

Is it about "Manifest" going to Netflix?

My guys have been going
through the budget,

trimming the fat,
eliminating obsolete programs.

Are you aware of how much
the city still spends

on telegram wire maintenance?

I've heard that telegrams
are making a comeback.

The kids call it "TG-ing"
and they have made it filthy.

Point being, we've been able
to build up a little slush fund

for you that'll more than cover our fee.

Really? How much, like $5, 6 million?

Closer to $90 million.

Hachi-machi!

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$90 million!

You could buy a house
for that much money.

You know, this is an opportunity for us

to do something historic.

Something Lin-Manuel Miranda
will write a musical about it.

- Wait, where are we?
- I don't know.

I'm so excited, I just started walking.

This is indeed a rare opportunity, sir.

I've been in City Hall for three decades

and the last time
we had a budget surplus

was that year we just straight
up forgot to pay teachers.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm guessing you already
know how we should spend it.

Not the diarrhea thing. Come on.

It's an issue that touches all of us.

I know you remember last Halloween

when Jayden brought in those
sugar-free gummy bears.

Out of my way. Out of my way.

I'm the mayor! Out of my way.

Don't you have a private bathroom?

It's gone, Mikaela.

What do you mean it's gone?

All right, boil that down
to a three-page memo

and I'll look it over, okay?

You know how I keep an eye
on what Jayden looks at online?

In case he's planning to kill all of us?

Right. Well, he's been searching

nothing but murder mysteries.

So he is either going
to kill us or even worse,

he's going to invite us
to a murder mystery party.

Hey, guys.

I'm having a murder mystery
party at my apartment tonight.

- Oh, I...
- Oh, I...

My therapist thinks that
I need to start planning

for a partnerless future

and building a social life
unrelated to dating.

My therapist also thinks
that I need to invite people

the day of so that they don't have time

to make up an excuse
because I'm too trusting.

- We'd love to come.
- Can't wait, buddy.

- Can I come too?
- Oh.

I bought two beers the week we met

just hoping this day would come.

- Murder mystery, huh?
- Yeah, it's Western-themed

so the omelets will be made accordingly.

You know, I just started
seeing a woman, Adriana.

Gorgeous.
And we're really hitting it off,

and I'm trying to break old habits.

Take things slow.

And your party is the least sexual thing

happening in Los Angeles tonight.

- So you're coming?
- Yeah.

With your gal pal?

I know just what characters
you guys will play.

Adriana can play the town doctor.

You will play the Civil War veteran.

And I'll play your wife.

No, Adriana and I
are the couple, obviously.

Oh, okay.

If the mayor is going, I'm going.

We got $90 million to spend

and after-hour schmoozing

is always where
the real sausage gets made.

Oh, we won't be making
any sausage tonight.

The guy I get my meat from
was arrested by the FDA.

Hey, Luis, we're having
a murder mystery party

at my apartment tonight.

- My therapist thinks it...
- Ow!

Uh, my... uh, my side. I have to go.

Oh, no.

Good luck with your side, Luis.

Tommy, that was weird, right?

I feel like I could say anything
because this is monologue energy.

Exactly.

I said I'd go to Jayden's thing

and then James just invites himself.

I mean the last time that we
even spoke was me asking him out

to which he said, "I can't".

But now he's, like, following me

to the worst party in Los Angeles.

Maybe he's a sadness fetishist.

I wonder if I have time
to go home and change.

Hey, Luis, can you cover my call today

with the franchise tax board?

Oh no, my leg.

It has become bad.

Ah.

Howdy, folks.

I'm Camarillo Jones,
and I'm a man of few words.

But I do have to get through
the rest of these intros

and tell y'all don't open the closet.

There's a bat in there

and he is not part of the game.

Yee-haw!

That's Sally Slattern.

She keeps bar and
she'll keep you warm at night

in the brothel upstairs.

Okay, my bio says I'm just
trying to earn enough money

to move to Canada.

What? I'm not up for those winters.

Good luck, prostitute.

The Reverend Harlan is a preacher

with one hand on the good book

and his other hand
in the collection plate.

Also, he seems to be looking
at his arm for some reason.

Which is strange because wristwatches

haven't been invented yet.

Was I not clear about the bowl, Thomas?

Thank you.

Dr. Eustace Princeton was
a prominent doctor back east.

But why does he spend so much
time in the graveyard at night?

Thaddeus Cole.

I own the railroad.

I own this town.

They're gonna name a bunch
of high schools after me

until my role in the slave trade...

Thank you, Mr. Cole!

And you two, of course,
are adult stable boy Enos Craven

and his lovely wife, Colette.

Who knows that there's more
to life than this marriage

and is openly cuckolding Enos

with Camarillo Jones.

I'm sorry. Wait, what's that?

It's just you said you wanted
to play the couple, sir.

I lost my manhood in...
In the Civil War?

- Is that literal or...
- It is.

Yeah, you visited my office and you said

you were running away
from the battle of Gettysburg,

and it got bitten off by a dog.

Okay. I don't like who I am.

Oh, what?

There's been a murder!

Yee-haw!

Tumbleweed.

The sheriff has been found dead
on the jailhouse floor

with a blood-covered hammer next to him.

And one of us is the "moyderer."

Each of you has a prompt
on your bio card

that tells you who to talk to first.

Alexa, play my old-timey
saloon playlist.

Playing your old-timey saloon playlist.

Thank you.

How did you find a piano player

small enough to fit in there?

Are you stupid?

Oh, you're in character.

Before I became a realtor,
I did do a bit of acting.

Well, I'm Camarillo Jones,

and I'm a man of few words.

So... yep.

Well, Mr. Jones,
I'm supposed to interview you.

But why am I being so formal

when you and I have made
the beast with two backs?

A camel?

Oh, Camarillo Jones,

you have awakened parts in me
I thought died years ago.

Okay, this doesn't feel like
part of the game.

Uh, sir, I'm supposed to talk to you.

It's getting late.

Should you be getting on home
to your husband?

What husband?

- I really don't like this.
- Okay, well, then,

look at your card
and tell me if you did it

so we can all get out of here.

What? Oh.

It just says that
the night of the murder

Enos was in the barn
watching the pigs rut

and touching his wound?

Oh, come on!

Wow. You look gorgeous.

- Uh...
- No wonder you're

the highest-paid hooker in town.

Oh, yes. Thank you, Dr. Princeton.

It's 5¢ a night.

I guess, with inflation.

So...

where were you last night
when the sheriff was murdered?

Okay. Um...

I went straight home

after buying a hammer
at the general store.

Oh, snap, did I do it? Sally is layered.

As a medical doctor,

I'd say you do have
a murderer's skull shape.

But the face of an angel.

Oh.

Look this way.

- Oh, this way.
- Sorry.

My three-page diarrhea memo, sir.

Oh, you're done with that already.

It wasn't easy.

I had to cut the whole
"about the author" section.

Oh, thank you.
I'll take a look at it in the morning.

- Why not read it now?
- Arpi, I'm at a party.

A party where your date
just pretended to get bitten

by a rattlesnake so Jayden
could suck the venom out.

It's also a party where I'm
supposed to be totally illiterate.

So I can't read your memo.

Look, I get that diarrhea isn't flashy.

Except when there's glitter in it,

which is quite common
for craft store employees.

I don't want to be
the diarrhea mayor, Arpi.

This money is a chance
for us to do something big.

Forward-looking. And cool.

Oh, my God.

You already know what you want
to do with that money,

and you're afraid to tell me.

That's right, because
everything I want to do,

you go out of your way to ruin.

You should be grateful

I didn't let you organize
a "men's march."

For prostate health awareness!

Well, the optics were not great.

You're not gonna ruin
this idea for me, Arpi.

Because I'm not gonna tell you
what it is.

Instead, I'll be playing
"Fruit Ninja" on my phone.

Excuse me, sir,
maybe you didn't hear before

about the phone bowl.

And I don't hear you
this time either, Jayden.

Well, now there's a real
mystery afoot tonight.

How is the mayor planning

to blow $90 million
before I can stop him?

No, the real mystery is
what is up with James tonight.

Was that him flirting with me,
or Dr. Princeton?

No, don't get distracted.

We have to solve the stupid
murder so we can all go home.

Wendy Williams is on "Cordon" tonight,

and I love not knowing
how to feel about that.

Y'all want to know what
I think the real mystery is?

Who's had four hard ciders tonight

when she promised the mirror
she wouldn't drink?

Shh.

Wink.

You feel that kickin'?

That's our love child, Camarillo.

I'm a man of few words,

so I don't know
how to describe this feeling.

It's orange, maybe.

Colette, darling,

do you have a moment
for your simple-minded husband?

He probably needs help bathrooming.

I'll leave you two alone.

I don't need...

It says on all our cards you do.

Hey, thank you for being
such a good sport tonight.

I think we've put our time in.

And Takasugi will take us at 9:00.

Neil, I'm having fun.

I don't want to leave.

Y'all are just gonna have
to bathroom on your own.

Maybe tie the sponge
to a stick so you can reach.

Ms. Shaw,

did the mayor take any
off-schedule meetings this afternoon?

You know,

after the $90 million bucks
fell into his narrow, bony lap.

Well, off-schedule meetings

are off-schedule for a reason, Arpi.

You help me, I'll help you
figure out what James...

Sebastian Felix.
The mayor took a last-minute

meeting today with Sebastian Felix.

The supermarket guy?

The supermarket billionaire.

He invented cashiers saying,
"Oh, I've tried that.

You're gonna love it."

Okay, now my turn. I need to figure out

if Dr. Princeton is flirting with women

to try to get information
as part of the game,

or if James is flirting
with me for reals.

Dr. Princeton, good evening.

Mr. Cole. How do you do?

Shoot. I forgot that Arpi's a man.

You know, Doctor, I'm a widower.

Without my wife, it gets lonely
in that big house.

So I want you to be my sugar baby.

Why didn't you remind me
that your character is male?

I'm wearing a top hat and a bolo tie.

That's your costume?

I could have sworn
you were those to work.

Hmm.

I could see me rocking it.

That might be me.

Beyonce's dropping
some new Ivy Park today.

The theme is "crossing guard,"

and I've got to have
that reflective safety vest.

Oh, this is James...

He's on Hinge?

The magazine for hardware enthusiasts?

I subscribe to that.

I don't have time to explain
the world to you.

Tommy. Where's Tommy?

What did you say to him?

To Enos? Nothing.

I'm talking about the mayor, James.

He had a secret meeting with
Sebastian Felix this afternoon.

What cockamamie idea

did you put in his big silver head?

No idea, Arpi. I swear.

I mean, I pitched him
a high-speed rail to Vegas

and then he said,

"You got the high and the speed right,"

and then he laughed like he made a joke,

but I did not have
enough context to get it.

Hinge, Thomas!

How does being on the apps
line up with "I can't."

Well, how could Dr. Princeton had been

lancing Enos's pustules

at the same time
he was electrocuting corpses?

"I can't" is not the same
as "I'm not interested"

'cause he was. But being on the apps

is not the same as "I can't."

It's "I can and I am", right?

- Honestly, what?
- I don't know.

Look, I need to go talk to James.

Yes, perfect.
You go talk to James as Tommy.

Tell him how no one's ever replied

to your messages on Grindr,
not even the torsos.

No. Not about that.

His alibi doesn't add up.

Mr. Tomas, did the mayor give you

any special assignments today?

If Mayor Bremer asked me
to do something,

why would I tell you?

Because you know what I know.

♪ Because you know ♪
♪ I'm all about that bass ♪

♪ 'Bout that bass, no treble ♪

♪ I'm all about the bass, ♪
♪ 'bout the bass, no treble... ♪

Oh, my God, please stop.

Earlier today the mayor asked me
to look into eminent domain law.

I'd like to solve the mystery.

The mystery of what you think
you're doing with that money.

It has come to my attention
that you have city lawyers

working up a brief
on eminent domain law.

Is it a coincidence
that the county just condemned

four square blocks
of downtown LA's historic

Murder Hotel District?

And do the words "high" and "fast"

mean anything to you?

You're gonna seize
the Murder Hotel District

so Sebastian Felix can put up

one of his gentrifying
bougie supermarkets,

inevitably followed by shoddy
highrises for yuppies

while your real estate cronies
laugh all the way to the bank.

Down with the patriarchy!

Housing is a right.

Gentrify this!

- Oh, no...
- No, Arpi. Not the place.

Wrong!

It's not highrises.

It's a space elevator.

It's the future of space travel

and the first one's gonna
be built in Los Angeles

and I'll be the Space Mayor.

With the help of eccentric
billionaire Sebastian Felix,

I'm building a space elevator, okay?

Alexa, turn off the living room lights!

Okay.

- What...
- What are you doing?

- It's for the game!
- This is harassment.

No! We're not at work.

Alexa, turn on the living room lights!

Okay.

There's been another murder!

And it could have been
any of us decent townsfolk.

Who among us good Christians
hasn't prayed

for the violent death
of the town bicycle?

Hey, Sally Slattern
is a sex-positive trailblazer.

Corpses can't talk!

Oh!

We said the same thing!

By climbing the graphene tether,

the elevator will bring
payloads into space

for a fraction of the cost
of conventional rockets.

A space elevator would
revolutionize space exploration

and research.

All while making a certain
high school science teacher

eat his words.

Now, who knows the most about science,

Dr. Wachtmeister?

Oh, my God. This is a real thing?

Okay!

So two people are dead
and someone here is a murderer.

It's the mayor.
He's murdering common sense.

The technology for this thing
doesn't even exist.

See? I knew you'd try
to make it sound stupid.

"Sound"? It is stupid.

Okay, so this is
the interrogation round.

Who do we want to ask
questions to first?

Well, I've sure got some
questions for Dr. Princeton.

Sally, you're dead. Please shut up.

Take this seriously, corpse.

$6 billion dollars.

The estimated total cost
of the space elevator

is $6 billion dollars.

It's a moon shot, Arpi!

A project like this creates new jobs,

new revenue, new technology.

The Apollo program gave us Velcro.

Are you telling me that you would like

to live in a world without Velcro?

You leave my bag out of this.

Hey.

Are you okay?

I don't even know why I bother.

This party turned out 100 times
worse than a real murder.

Oh, don't say that.
My twin was murdered.

Yeah, and this is worse.

Okay, they're both bad.

I just wanted people
to have a fun time tonight.

I did.

I had a great time.

Yeah, of course you did.

You're on a date with Neil Bremer.

You probably had
the best time of your life.

Yeah, Neil's fine.

He's tall and he's so rich

that he throws away umbrellas
when he goes inside.

Wow.

But I like guys

who don't take themselves so seriously.

You're just fun.

And I like having fun.

Also, and this is admittedly
low on the list,

what if someone farts
on the space elevator?

You ignore it. Elevator rules.

We're not discussing this

because I've already
committed the funds.

Okay, can we just find the
murderer and end this, please?

And where did Jayden go?

- And Adriana?
- Okay.

You're all welcome in advance.

Get ready to go home.

The identity of the killer is obvious.

Isn't that right, Dr. Eustace Princeton?

Me?

I'm the murderer? How is that...

Oh, there's stuff on the back.

- I didn't know there was a back.
- Dude.

Don't say who the killer is
if you're wrong.

Who does that?

Well, I'm not wrong about
your mystery, James Aniobi.

Yeah, I figured it out.

- Figured what out?
- Oh, my God.

What is up with you, James?
You told me that you can't,

but I saw your phone
and you're on dating apps

so it just...
It kind of feels like you can.

Well, tonight I realized

that James is secretly Canadian!

Yeah, he's looking for
a green card marriage,

but he knows you're
not looking to get married.

No, I grew up in Atlanta.

No, you didn't because earlier tonight

I heard you say "a-boot."

I was talking about a cowboy boot.

- A boot.
- No seriously,

where is Jayden and Adriana?

Dagnabbit!

Sir, just wanted to say

I'm so sorry I cuckolded you last night.

Kwapis, Adriana, and I
had been on a couple of dates.

That is all. It's fine.

Not that I wasn't surprised
when I went into the kitchen.

I mean, did she lift you up
on the counter,

or did you jump up there?

It's all a blur, sir.

Well, I guess, despite my best efforts,

I ended up playing the part
of Enos Craven

pretty well, didn't I?

But there is a silver lining.

Oh, you saw my underwear.
Yeah, that's for odor.

No, no, Jayden.

If you can steal a girl
from Neil Bremer,

you might have to accept
the fact that you're not

gonna die alone.

- Get out.
- Oh.

Okay, so when COVID started,
I'd been dating somebody

for about three months,
and, um, Paige and I...

Paige? She sounds white. Sorry. Go on.

It was like, are we just not
gonna see each other

for, what, maybe a year?

Or are we just gonna move in together?

So we moved in together.

- After three months?
- It was too soon.

But by the time we were willing
to admit that, we had a dog,

an apartment neither of us
could afford on our own,

a shared iCloud account,

and an unfinished
10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle.

And if you left and let her finish it,

she'd win the breakup.

So we stopped dating.

But we had to keep living together.

And, um...

Last night, Paige went on a date
for the first time.

And she has every right to meet someone.

It was just a bit of a surprise

when Hinge showed up on my phone.

Shared iCloud account.

And, as you saw,

she is getting a lot of matches.

Which is weirdly validating for me

but I'm going through a lot now.

I get why you didn't want
to be home last night.

I mean, what if she had sex on the bed

- that you used to share...
- Mm-hmm.

And last night was not at all about me.

Well, maybe...

Maybe Dr. Princeton was a way for me

to talk to you again.

And not be that guy who said, "I can't,"

'cause his life is kind of a mess,

and I don't really want to
bring someone into that mess.

Especially someone that I would someday

like to ask out.

- You mean me, right?
- I am talking about you, yes.

Okay.

So I take it you think

that I am supposed to apologize to you.

I don't think anyone has
to apologize to anyone, sir.

I reserve the right to my opinions.

But Los Angeles is building
a space elevator

so I'm doing research.

Oh, good.

I'm glad you're on my side, Arpi.

I didn't say that.

I would say
we are at an impasse at best.

You've made it clear
that you do not value my input,

only my loyalty.

- Arpi...
- Fortunately for you,

I'm very loyal to LA.

I want what's best for this city.

So I'm not gonna waste your time

with infighting or gameswomanship.

However, terms end, Mr. Mayor.

Yours ends in a year.

And then anyone can run against you.

Because I still think, more than ever,

that we can do better.

Okay.

Evenin' Colette.

Why, Camarillo Jones,
is that a pistol in your pocket

or are you just happy to see me?

In my pocket, ma'am?

No, I keep it...

I don't know what this is!

Oh, it looks like it came from space!

Oh! It has lightnin' in it!

Put it down, Camarillo Jones!

- LAPD!
- What was that?

The Devil's fiddle?

This is not our world, Camarillo!

Where are we?

My God.

- Come out with your hands up.
- We seem to have slipped

through some sort of...

hole in time.

Then the real question is...

when are we?

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