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♪ There's Christmas magic here and there's one thing I know ♪

♪ I'm already there just look around you feel it ♪

♪ everywhere you go 'cause it's in the air ♪

♪ it's on the way, special dream for all who say ♪

♪ that it's Christmas so promise that you'll stay ♪

♪ sleigh bells are ringing with just one thing on my mind ♪

♪ I'm over the snow we should be here together ♪

-Love you. -Love you, too.

-Have fun. -Keep an eye on the house.

-And be sweet to Megan. -I will.

Merry Christmas, honey.

Don't let Drake do anything weird.

Are you sure we should go?

-Yes. -Merry Christmas.

Tropical paradise, here we come!

♪ It's Christmas

♪ is that a reindeer landing on a roof above ♪

♪ I'm letting it in it's Christmas let's remember ♪

Yeah.

Cute little girl, huh?

She wants to race.

♪ promise that you'll stay

♪ It's Christmas promise that you'll stay ♪

♪ It's Christmas ♪

♪ Merry Christmas Merry Christmas ♪

Go time, alright.

♪ I don't want some fancy present all I want is you ♪

♪ so how could I be alone at Christmas time ♪

♪ When all you need to do is listen to me ♪

♪ let's find a way to get it right for one more day ♪

♪ 'cause it's Christmas

Hey, check it out.

Inflatable snowman.

Happy holidays.

♪ It's Christmas promise that you'll stay ♪

♪ It's Christmas won't you promise that you'll stay ♪

Megan! Evil!

Snowman, wait no! Come on!

Snowman, would you-- Wait!

Why? Why?

Okay, time to stop whining.

I just think mom and dad should have

stayed home for Christmas. It's a family time.

Well, cheer up, sad people can't come to my party.

-What party? -The one I'm having

on the roof of The Premiere.

-The roof? No! -I'll take that no as a yes.

You're not having a Christmas party

on the roof of The Premiere. Helen will fire me.

No, I already cleared it with Helen, she said it's cool

as long as she's invited. And we serve churros.

-There's gonna be churros? -Mhmmm.

Okay, I'm on board with this.

-Oh, and the party has a theme. -What's the theme?

It's a bad holiday sweater party.

Everybody has to wear the worst holiday sweater they can find.

You can wear that one.

Okay, that's the kind of comment that hurts feelings.

Hey, do you know when Santa's supposed to be here?

Well, you know, I heard Santa's reindeer

needed to stop and get a cool drink,

but I'll bet you old St. Nick's going to be here real soon.

Excuse me.

I distinctly ordered a diet root beer, and this tastes like--

I'm talking to children!

-'Sup, Steve. -'Sup dude?

-Josh. -Hey.

Hey, boys. Sorry I'm late.

There was a monster traffic jam on Mayor Mason Boulevard,

all 'cause of some crazy snowman up in the sky.

That's my snowman.

-Your snowman? -Yeah.

-What was that for? -For making me tardy.

You know, Drake, I cannot wait for your party.

I'm going to celebrate my divorce!

-Wait, you just got married. -Yeah.

The first two weeks were delightful.

Week three was unpleasant. Week four was downright

irritating, by week five, I was out the door.

See you, good riddance, no more Helen for you.

It's gonna be churros at your party, right?

Yeah. Oh, and you gotta wear the worst

holiday sweater you can find.

My Grammy knitted this.

Then you oughtta spank your grammy 'til

her butt glows red like an apple.

Now Drake, here's your Santa Claus costume.

-I thought I get to be Santa! -You too skinny.

Now old chunky Josh, he'd have made a fine Santa Claus.

But now that you went and

defatified yourself, I don't think so.

But Drake's still skinnier than me.

I am in charge and I say Drake is Santy Claus.

Well, what am I supposed to be?

Relaxed player, I got a costume for you.

Next.

Ho, ho, ho! Hello, little boy. I'm Santa Claus.

-Hi, Santa. -And this is my sack of toys.

-Hi, sack. -Merry Christmas.

So, do you have an older sister?

Oh, ho, ho, ho! Rate her on a scale from 1 to 10

And that's the ocean. And that's a big rock.

And this is your bungalow right here.

That's not a bungalow, that's a hut.

We call it a bungalow.

This is our luxurious island paradise?

Well, it did look nicer in the brochure.

I don't speak English. Let me show you inside.

What in the-- Booga, booga, booga!

Here we are. A deluxe bungalow.

Deluxe?

What's the difference between this and the regular bungalow?

This one has a radio.

That's not what Santa does.

Santa! Santa!

And that's for being such a good girl this year.

Thank you, Santa. Bye, sack.

Next.

I want some of what that last girl is getting.

Oh, oh god.

Help, I'm stuck.

I'm not done with you, Santa!

Yeah, get him! You enjoy him!

Santa!

Santa!

-Oh, hi. -You're Santa, right?

-Yeah, yeah, I guess. -Swear?

Well kinda, I work for Santa.

So, what do you want for Christmas,

dollhouse, crock pot, pants? What?

I want my family to have the best Christmas ever.

-Okay? -Okay, sure, you got it.

-Promise? -Santa!

-Yes, I promise, bye! -Santa!

-I just took a shower! -I'm taking this.

Santa! I've been a good girl!

Santa, wait!

Santa's not looking for a relationship right now!

Wait!

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ over the fields we go laughing all the way ♪

♪ bells on bobtails ring making those spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse ♪

♪ open sleigh ♪

♪ jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way ♪

Back house.

Mindy!

Can't your parents go visit your grandmother without you?

I'll be back on New Year's.

I wanna spend Christmas with you.

-Can you come back sooner? -I'll try.

-No, you won't. -Don't be pouty.

-This is me pouting. -Come on.

Man up.

-Merry Christmas. -Yeah, thanks, bye.

Hey, Josh, there's a pigeon stuck in my tailpipe.

-Help me get it? -No.

Come on, just tell me your favorite!

-I don't know! -Just tell me!

-I don't, look I-- -Tell me, tell me, tell me.

-Come on! -No, I don't have one.

Just tell me.

Cheddar, okay? Cheddar, I don't know.

Yes.

Mindy's gone.

Well, look on the bright side, man.

Maybe she'll never come back.

You know, if you get bored, you should

come to my place and hang with me and Sally.

-Sally? -Yeah.

-Yeah, is Sally new? -Yep.

Wanna see some pics of her?

-Sure. -Just, just stroke it to scroll.

This is a machine.

She is a wood chipper! And her name is Sally!

She totally pulverizes anything I put in her, anything.

Well, I hope you and Sally are very happy together.

Thanks, J, you're a sweet kid.

Hey, Drake, that last song was awesome.

You should sing it in the big Christmas parade.

You should.

Come one man, parades are for dorks and losers.

-No, they're not. -We love parades.

Uh-huh, anyway, I'm not gonna be in town.

Yes you will, it's on Christmas Eve.

Yeah, I know. I'm going to Vegas.

-Vegas? -Las?

Yeah, The Watermelons are playing the Bellagio.

No, no, no, no, no, Christmas is a family time.

Well then come with me.

I'm not spending Christmas in a casino.

-This party's lame, man. -You gotta be kidding.

Did you invite those guys?

No, I did not.

High five.

Hello, cops?

182, report of a disturbance

on the roof of The Premiere Mall.

Yates and Shady Grove, code three.

Alright I got it, I got it!

Cops!

Officers, those guys crashed the party!

-You listen to me. -You, come here.

I told you to stay put.

Look out, he's got a churro!

Where'd you get that churro?

Right there, go get-- What are you doing?

I didn't do anything, oh come on,

I'm an honor student! Would you be gentle please!

-He didn't do anything! -Grab him!

Man, dad said if we're not home by midnight, we're grounded.

Then hurry!

What's going on?

I got it.

♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas ♪

♪ but I think I'll miss this one this year ♪

There, he's trying to get away!

♪ But I think I'll miss this one this year ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas ♪

Hello?

♪ Trim those trees ♪

♪ raise up cups of Christmas cheer ♪

Hello, mayday!

♪ I just need to catch my breath♪

♪ Christmas by myself this year ♪

Hello? What have I done?

♪ Bah humbug, no that's too strong ♪

♪ 'Cause it is my favorite holiday ♪

Oh man.

♪ To add to my already mad rush 'cause it's 'tis the season ♪

Hello? I'm uncomfortable!

Hello? Hello?

Mayday!

Guys? Hello?

Guys? Wait!

Spine.

Oh, no, oh no, you don't understand.

I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything!

There's been a terrible mistake. I'm not saying it's your fault.

I'm not saying it's your fault!

I'm just saying there's been a mix up!

There's been a mix up!

-I didn't do anything. -Shut up!

I didn't do anything.

I didn't do anything.

This jumper itches me. You don't care.

I didn't do anything. Where you going?

Hi, I'm Josh Nichols. Oh, I'm aloft!

I'm gon' beat you down. All day.

Wait, wait, wait.

Did you just pull a quarter out of my ear?

Do it again.

-Huh? -Do it again!

Okay, do it again.

Wait, where's your brother Josh?

You're so pretty.

-And another quarter. -Oh, man, that's great.

You know, my uncle used to do that same

-trick on me when I was little. -You were little?

You know what, Josh? You're all right, man.

-Thanks. -You're alright.

-Yeah, you too... -Bludge.

-Bludge? -Yeah, Bludge.

-That's Swedish, right? -No.

-No. -No, well let's get to it.

Oh yeah, yeah man, I need some sleep too.

No, no, I'm talking about the beatin'.

The--

-The beating? -The beat down.

Come on, get your guards up, man, come on, let's run it.

I thought you said I was alright.

I thought we were getting along swimmingly.

Josh, I got a reputation in this place.

And if I don't bust you up,

these guys here, they won't respect me.

You can understand that.

But I bruise like a summer peach.

Josh, don't be a ballerina.

I'm only here for two more weeks.

Then my time here is done.

But until then, this is what's up.

What's up?

It won't be as bad as you think.

-Now stand up! -Okay.

Oh mama!

Yeah, ow!

Did you get me a lawyer?

Yeah, sort of.

-What does sort of mean? -That I didn't get you one.

-Drake, I told you! -I did everything you said,

I found a lawyer, went to the bank, got $3,000

out of your savings account and went to meet the guy.

And?

28, 29...

And 3,000 bucks.

So how come I gotta pay in advance?

You couldn't have looked at the license plate

before you gave him the money?

- Gah! -I'll get you another lawyer.

-And pay him with what? -Drake?

Look, I'll call you later.

This little girl says she knows you.

-Hey, what's up? -Here's my address.

I'm sorry, I don't exactly know who...

I'm mary Alice, you promised my family

would have the best Christmas ever.

Huh? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Okay. -You said you work with Santa.

That's right, he does and his brother was Santa's sack.

Yeah. So how did you know it was me?

'Cause of your eyes and your voice.

I have your CD, I listen to it all the time.

Thanks.

-Drake's famous. -Oh yes, I know it.

I told my family you promised to give us the best Christmas ever.

And they said I was lying, but I wasn't.

And I know you'll do it 'cause you made a Christmas promise.

Everybody knows you can't break a Christmas promise.

Well, you can't.

Well, I'm sure your family's gonna

have an awesome Christmas.

We will now, but only 'cause of you.

Why is that, baby?

'Cause I live in a foster home with five other kids,

and our foster mom got sick and she's in the hospital now,

so our foster dad had to get another job working at night.

So it's been, like, really hard for everyone.

I, I see.

-Go on. -And I knew Christmas was coming

and our foster dad said that sometimes

Santa can't come to all the houses in the world.

And I was really sad because we were gonna

have a bad Christmas.

But now we're not 'cause you're gonna fix it.

So we'll have the best one ever.

I am, I'm gonna fix this.

Yes he is baby girl, don't you worry.

Drake's gonna keep his Christmas promise.

You can't break a Christmas promise.

I know you can't break a Christmas promise.

Mary Alice.

See you, Drake!

What am I gonna do?

-I don't know. -What are you gonna do?

I don't know!

-Little bro? -Josh, Josh... Shh.

Hey, I'm looking for Josh Nichols.

It's for you.

-Boo. -Hey, who is that guy?

My insane brother.

What are you doing here?

-I gotta break you out of here. -What?

I made a promise to a little

girl, and I need your help to keep it.

You're a crazy person. Get out of here before

-you get me in more trouble. -She's a sweet little girl.

Come on, you can't break a Christmas promise.

Yeah, he's right.

You can't break a Christmas promise, Josh.

Thank you, Bludge.

Go away!

Okay, fine, but can I talk to your friend again first?

No.

Hey, what's up?

I'm trying to break my brother out of here

so we could keep a Christmas promise

to a little girl, and he's being difficult.

-Could you please help me? -Yeah, sure.

Get out of here!

Okay, he's unconscious.

Cool. Now just stuff him through.

Alright.

-Thank you. -Peace.

Josh.

Hey, hey, buddy, come on. Come on, get up.

Come on, now's not the time.

Freeze.

I got him!

He was trying to break through that hole, can you...

Resisting arrest, damaging state property, creating a hole,

attempting to escape from a federal penitentiary.

Gentlemen, you are facing years and years and years in prison.

Do you have representation?

It's not my fault I'm late!

A huge fruit trap tipped over on Mayor Mason Boulevard.

Mucked up traffic for half an hour, cantaloupes everywhere.

-Cantaloupes? -Cantaloupes?

-You know, the spherical fruit? -Who is this?

Your Honor, she's here to represent me and my brother.

You called Helen?

You ever seen her lose an argument?

Madam, are you a licensed attorney?

-Is that some of your business? -Actually, it is.

Your Honor, it would be an abomination

of biblical proportions if you put these boys behind bars.

Are you aware of the charges against these boys?

Are you aware of this?

-Thank you. -Mm-hmm.

-And who is this? -Her name is Mary Alice.

She lives in a foster home here in San Diego.

Two days ago, this handsome young man, as a minion

of Santa Claus, made a Christmas promise to that little girl.

Which was?

To give her and her foster family the best Christmas ever.

Which he cannot do without the help of

his less appealing brother.

-Feelings. -Watch your mouth, boy.

Yes, I understand.

-But Madam-- -If you put these boys in jail

you will be directly preventing them

from fulfilling their responsibility.

Which, in turn, would make you equally

responsible for breaking a Christmas promise

to a bright eyed little girl who's sweet like sugar

and smells like shampoo.

-This little girl? -Mm-hmm.

You can't break a Christmas promise.

Yeah!

You can't break a Christmas promise!

Who's that?

Right?

That's Crazy Steve.

Order. Crazy Steve.

Yes Your Honor?

Could I ask you to use your inside voice?

The cow goes moo! I was trapped in a refrigerator!

I take special vitamins!

Could you use your inside voice, please?

-Yes, Your Honor. -Order, order in the court--

Order. I will clear the courtroom.

Order. Sit down, please.

Better. Now...

Drake Parker, Josh Nichols, since your records show no prior

violations of the law, I will not put you in jail this time.

-Yes! -Yes!

But--

But--I have a but! He said he had a butt.

Shut up.

If you do not give this little girl

and her family the best Christmas ever,

I will put you in jail and melt the key down myself.

-Am I clear? -Yes, Your Honor.

-Yes. -Crazy Steve, am I clear?

Thank you. Alright, next.

They're there! You made it!

Well done, congratulations.

-I was worried. -I was worried.

We were freaking out, we thought you were going away--

-Hey! -Helen.

-Hug me 'til I pop! -Thank you so much.

-Yeah! -Put your arms down, fool.

Drake Parker, Josh Nichols, come with me.

Now!

-What is this about? -Shut up, sit down.

My name is Perry J Gilbert, and I am your parole officer.

-What's so funny to you? -Perry.

-Stop it. -Sounds kinda British, Perry.

-Perry. -No, no, it doesn't.

Perry, I've lost me crumpet.

-Shut up! -Perry,

I would like some mustard on my wiener.

You're embarrassing me, you embarrass us.

There's nothing British about wieners.

My country has a queen. Oh, I'm Perry.

It's my father's name, shut up.

-Perry. -Now, according to Judge Newman,

you are to make sure that Mary Alice Johansson

and her foster family have the best Christmas ever.

I don't know what that means,

and I don't really care, but I'll tell you this.

On Christmas Day, I will personally ask Mary Alice

and her foster family to vote yes or no as to whether

they did or did not have the best Christmas ever.

And if that vote is not unanimously yes,

I will personally take you both back to prison.

Okay, somebody's got a case of the grumpies.

Stop, stop hitting!

Stop hitting, stop it! I'm talking.

Stop it!

-Alright, alright. -Idiots.

Also, by court--

By court order, you are forbidden to tell

the children about the vote ahead of time

as it could influence their answers.

Why do we have to wear ankle bracelets?

So I can monitor your location every minute of every day.

Okay, just three quick questions about the ankle bracelet.

-One, when I take a bath-- -Out!

Hurting my arm. Hello?

Hurting my arm.

-Ow. -Hey, man.

So I guess you're not going to Vegas.

I can't, now.

Hey, you wanna stop at Inside Out Burger?

No, alright, we're going to this Mary Alice girl's house

to figure out what we're gonna do.

Alright, here, I already put her address in.

Just go ahead and press directions.

When'd you buy this?

I got it online for 6 bucks.

Turn right in 5 feet.

How are we supposed to give a little girl

and her family the best Christmas ever?

It's so subjective.

Come on, she's like seven years old.

I'm sure her and her family just want tons of--

Turn left in 5 feet.

-Turn left--Turn! -Hang on!

This thing doesn't give you a whole lot of warning.

Anyway, I'm thinking we need to give Mary Alice

and her family a real traditional Christmas.

Ugh, yawn.

We should, we should bake cookies

and sing Christmas carols and,

and decorate a real Christmas tree with homemade ornaments!

Okay, no kid wants to have some boring traditional--

Turn right in 3 feet.

-Hang on! -Drake!

-Hayfer! -I hate you Drake Parker!

I don't think this thing is worth six dollars.

Listen, having an awesome Christmas

all about the presents.

Okay first, we have no money,

which makes it kinda hard to buy presents.

And second, you promised this little girl

the best Christmas ever.

And Christmas is about a whole lot more

than just getting stuff.

Okay fine, you go ahead and do your weinerish traditional stuff

and I'll find a way to get us some money so we can actually

buy the kid some--

What is-- What?

What? Oh, it's you.

-What's this? -A ticket for reckless driving.

-400 bucks? -Yeah, drive better.

Congratulations,

-you have arrived. -No, we haven't!

You owe me 6 bucks.

Recalculating.

I love how glass sounds when you knock on it.

Hey, I'm Drake Parker.

-I'm Josh. -My brother.

We're looking for Mary Alice.

No, no, we're looking for-- Drake!

-Oh hey, how are you doing, kid? -I knew you'd come.

I told you guys, Drake promised. Come in here, hurry!

-Hey, this is my brother, Josh. -Hey, Mary Alice.

Hi! That's Zigfee, he's foreign.

Oh, and that's Lily, she's Violet's sister.

And that's Violet, she's Lily's sister.

Trey!

So, what are we gonna do for Christmas?

-Well, Josh? -We're just gonna, you know...

Make it awesome.

Alright, this house better be on fire 'cause I was

in the middle of my shower.

-Look, Drake Parker is here. -And why should I care?

Be quiet, Tray.

-I love your music. -I love it more.

-Do not. -Do so.

-Take it back! -Get off me!

There they go.

Liar!

Okay, that's it! Violet!

You broke the dishes!

-I will break your leg! -Okay.

Oh my god, put that down!

You back off!

-Shouldn't someone... -It's okay, they do that.

Come back here! Catch me!

I gotta get this soap off of my head.

Is there, like, someone in charge here?

-Greg's at work. -Greg?

-Greg's our foster dad, he's-- -I'm in charge.

Oh, I thought you said that your foster dad was--

When Greg's at work, I'm in charge.

Luke, look, I told you Drake was gonna come here!

Great.

He's gonna give us the best Christmas ever.

-Yeah. -Why are you guys here?

'Cause I made a promise to Mary Alice.

And we're gonna keep it.

-Absolutely keeping the promise. -Keepin' it.

-Definitely. -No matter what.

It's really in everybody's best interest.

Mm-hmm.

He can be grouchy.

What language is he speaking?

We don't know.

-Well, where's he from? -We don't know.

Thank you for the gift of banana.

With temperatures reaching up to 110 degrees,

along with 97% humidity.

And moving fast from the southeast

is a tropical storm front which is expected

to bring 85 mph wind by early morning.

Merry Christmas.

-Dinner time. -Can we go home?

Oh, come on, honey.

Look, I got a coconut and a fresh lobster.

Here, I'll open up the coconut.

Honey, maybe you shouldn't do--

Oh.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Get it off! Get it off!

Get it off! Get it off!

Get it off! Get it off!

Get it off! Get it off!

What is Christmas all about?

If you ask a hundred people,

you're likely to get a hundred different answers.

For me, I always think yule.

How long you and your wife been foster parents?

About eight years.

Leslie and I usually take the children

who are a little harder to place.

You know, the more challenging ones.

Yeah, they are an interesting group.

Yeah they are, they're all nice kids, good hearts.

I think it's really great that you and your brother

are gonna try and give them a fun Christmas.

Thanks. Oh, and you know, you can't

tell them about the vote or the court stuff.

Oh, believe me, I know.

Officer Gilbert came by the house, practically

threatened me with prison if I tell the kids about the vote.

Yeah.

Hey, listen, I want to swing by the hospital

and visit Leslie before work, so.

Okay.

If you need to use the van,

keys are up by the washing machine.

Cool.

Thanks a lot.

What's up dude, what are you honking at?

Hey, hey, come here. Come here.

Who's this clown? What's up?

You guys wanna make 50 bucks?

What's Christmas all about to you?

Well, I think for me, it's really about doing

nice things for other people. Or, in a word, giving.

Yeah, and one thing I'd like to give you guys is...

The tradition of baking

Christmas cookies and gingerbread.

Not only is it fun for the whole family,

I'll tell you what's fun, this!

I could do that all day. I meann, it's easy,

-it's comical. -Trey.

-It's free. -Trey.

Try it, you guys!

That's great. That's great, but--

Guys, guys...

Guys, would you stop it?

Oh!

Stop it!

Go!

Why do it?

If they like making the pop sound, what's wrong with just--

The best Christmas ever.

That's our mission.

Look, I just think if--

When the court asks those kids if they had the best Christmas,

do you really think they're gonna say yes

if all we gave them is--

Okay, first of all, you're doing it wrong, alright?

You gotta curve your finger. Puff your cheeks out.

Puff out your cheeks, come on.

Never put your finger in me again.

Okay, I'm just saying, I think, is that a sore?

It feels like a mouth zit or something.

I demand you respect me. That's not respect.

Move, Trey!

Get off my throat!

Quit it.

You're gonna pay for that!

You're breaking my wrist!

I will pound you like a cheap drum!

You're stretching my shirt!

What do you think of that?

Is that all you got?

You want more?

Get your finger out of my nose!

Make me.

Looked like he was enjoying that raw egg.

I told you, our only chance is to give

these kids a traditional Christmas.

-With stuff like... -Let's go, boys.

Oh god! What are you doing?

Here.

400 bucks for public nudity?

Man, we got jumped.

You should be going after the guys who--

My car-- Why is he taking my car?

-I told him to. -Why?

Because it's blue.

Don't worry, you can get it back from the police impound lot.

For $900. Bye-bye.

This way.

Either put on some clothes or join a gym.

-Please, Megan. -We need your evil skills.

-What's in it for me? -Alright, you want a deal?

You get this Officer Gilbert jerk off our backs

and we'll give you a Smith Royal Oboe.

-Yeah. -Ooh.

What do you know about Smith Royal Oboes?

Well, you know my friend Trevor?

-The idiot? -Yeah.

Well you see his grandfather used to play first oboe

in the Fresno Philharmonic Orchestra.

And when he retired, he gave Trevor his oboe,

which happens to be a Smith Royal in mint condition.

And he said I could have it.

So what do you say, little girl?

You wanna keep playing your little adequate oboe?

Or do you want to play the best oboe in the world?

Why are you pulling out the chips?

'Cause this is how that parole officer knows

everywhere you guys go.

Why'd you yank out my leg hair?

'Cause I knew it would hurt you.

-Did it? -Yes.

What in the--

Okay, Parker and Nichols, let's see where you're going.

My sister gets back on New Year, so you can have it 'til then.

I don't like how this seat vibrates.

Today we are gonna go into the wilderness

and pick out our very own Christmas tree.

Then bring it back here and decorate it with ornaments

made out of common household items.

Okay.

Now, we are going to look at different

types of Christmas trees.

This is a Guatemalan fir, ooh.

Hey, man.

We're all gonna pick out a Christmas tree, you coming?

I'm busy.

Well, all the other kids are going.

Well, I'm not.

This is the Scotts Pine. It's Asian.

And the best part is, Whatever tree we pick,

we're gonna cut it down ourselves.

Oh, you wannna talk about cuts? How about paper cuts?

It's a cut, right? But it's from a piece of paper

and they hurt. And I don't get it,

'cause since when is paper sharp?

And if they don't let you bring pocket knives

on airplanes why do they let you bring paper?

'Cause in all my twelve years I have never once cut myself

with a pocket knife, but I swear to Camacho,

I get a paper cut like five times every year.

-You know what I'm saying? -Yes.

No one cares! No one cares!

Hey, I got the axe.

Oh, I call chopping the tree down!

-I wanna chop it down! -Oh, Violet?

Give it back!

Wait, wait, we do not run with axes!

-Violet! -Leave me alone!

-Hey, where's Zigfee? -He's right--

Go stop Lily and Violet, I'll find Zigfee.

Alright.

-Zigfee! -Zigfee!

-Where'd that come from? -Up there!

Zigfee, how'd you get up there?

Come down from-- Oh, I'll go get him.

What I don't get is why Santa Claus

comes down the chimney.

'Cause think about it, the man's gotta be what,

like 300 pounds? That's like a size 56 waist.

Give me that axe! Get away from me!

The last thing a 300 pound man should be doing is trying to

squeeze his fat booty down people's chimneys.

Why are you telling me this?

Give me strength, Oprah, give me strength!

What if he gets stuck?

How's he gonna reach his cell phone?

I don't know.

Bark against my groin.

Don't worry, Zigfee. Hold on, I'm coming!

Zigfee!

How'd you get down there?

-Josh! -Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Are you okay, Josh?

-Yeah. -You guys, stop!

Give it back!

-Leave me alone! -Violet!

Guys, be careful!

Come on.

Where are they? Parker, Nichols, where are you?

Hello.

Aw, who's getting frustrated?

Yeah, keep runnin'. Boob.

-Stop the van. -Why?

-Where is he going? -Just, just--

Are we getting a Christmas tree?

I'm not sure.

-Violet's touching me! -There they go.

Ow, Lily!

Can you guys not pound on each other for five minutes?

Why won't he open the door?

Just get in.

Josh.

Just drive.

Did he just say yar toot?

There.

-That's our Christmas tree? -Wait, Drake, plug it in.

That's pathetic.

Okay, I know it's not what we all expected, but...

If you squint,

it looks kinda nice.

See? That's not bad.

Looks like lit up garbage.

When does this Christmas start to be the best?

This is not a nice Christmas!

Well, we just have to get into the spirit, come on!

Sing with me!

Deck the halls with boughs of holly!

Fa la la la la la la la la!

-'Tis the season to be jolly! -'Tis the season to be jolly!

-Fa la la la la la la la la! -Fa la la la la la la la la!

Oh this is horrible!

-Great Godfrey! -Liars!

-What do you mean? -Trevor called.

I asked him about his grandfather's oboe,

and he had no idea what I was talking about.

His grandfather never played in the Fresno Philharmonic.

He worked as a men's room attendant in Puerto Rico.

-You lied to Megan? -What?

You lied.

-Okay, we both lied. -No, you lied.

I don't care which one of you lied!

All I know is is I'm not getting a Smith Royale Oboe.

So you boobs can deal with your parole officer yourselves,

'cause I put the chips back in your ankle bracelets.

-Oh, Megan! -Oh come on, dude.

You lie,

and I take a shoe in the nipple.

A song sheet for you.

-And a song sheet for you. -Thank you.

-And a song sheet for you. -Yeah.

♪ Seven swans a swimming

No, no, no, no. Okay, watch my lips.

♪ Seven swans a swimming ♪

♪ Seven

♪ six geese a layin ♪

♪ Five gold rings ♪

I'm not going Christmas caroling.

Okay, how about this?

I make it from right here, nothin' but net.

You come with us.

35 feet out.

Deal.

Well, you hit the palm tree. Sing pretty.

Look man, you think I wanna go sing Christmas carols with Josh?

I'd rather slam my head in the car door, alright?

I don't care if you hate me or Josh or life

or both of us, or whatever.

I know you don't hate Mary Alice.

Just come with us, alright? For her.

♪ On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me ♪

♪ A partridge in a pear tree

♪ on the second day of Christmas my true... ♪

Okay, well, that's five in a row.

How come nobody wants to hear what happens after

-the first day of Christmas? -Because we stink.

I'm bored, can we just go home?

Okay. All right, you guys, listen.

I know a better way to sing this.

Like you and me harmonize a little bit,

like ah, and you're ah.

No, no.

♪ On the twelth day of Christmas my true love gave to me ♪

♪ Twelve drummers drumming eleven pipers piping ♪

♪ ten lords a leaping nine ladies dancing ♪

♪ eight maids a milking ♪

♪ Six geese a laying

♪ Luke, luke, luke, luke luke, luke, luke, luke ♪

♪ Luke, luke, luke, luke luke, luke, luke, luke ♪

♪ Five gold rings

♪ four calling birds three french hens ♪

♪ two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear ♪

♪ partridge in a pear ♪

♪partridge in a pear tree

Yeah!

-Yeah, that was awesome! -Yeah, it was.

Which is why we should all perform it

in the Christmas parade.

-We should so do that! -Please can we, can we, come on!

Oh, come on, Parker.

Yeah, come on, Drake.

Alright, alright, we'll do the song.

-Yeah, yeah! -Yeah, woo!

Uh-oh.

Well, there's four more tickets

to add to our ever growing pile.

Thank you, Officer Gilbert.

Man, how are we supposed to give these kids a good Christmas if,

if that blow hole is constantly on our backs?

-I know. -Why does he hate us?

That's what I'm trying to find out.

You got any info on the guy?

No, not much, but I think I found his mother's address.

-His mother's? -Yeah.

All my brother and I are trying to do is

give the kids the best Christmas they ever had.

It's like, officer Gilbert, your son, just hates us.

Oh, I'm sure Perry doesn't hate you.

-He hates Christmas. -But why?

It goes back to when he was just eight years old.

As a little boy, he loved Christmas so much.

And there was one present he always

wanted more than any other.

-What was it? -A monkey.

A monkey.

It was Christmas Eve.

Perry woke up in the wee hours of the morning,

and as children will do,

he sneaked out of his bedroom and into the den

to see what Santa had left him. There by our Christmas tree

was a fine monkey in a cage.

It was the present Perry had dreamed of.

Then, Perry turned the latch and opened the cage,

and that's when things went terribly wrong.

The monkey went berserk.

What did I do?

Crazy monkey!

Bad monkey! Bad monkey!

And then, the tinkling.

It's bladder empty,

the monkey jumped out the window,

never to be seen again.

That is the freakiest story I've ever heard.

I know, but it's true.

Christmas was ruined for him as a kid.

So now he wants to ruin it for everyone else.

-So we're screwed. -No, we're gonna fix this.

All we have to do is give him

a really nice monkey for Christmas.

Check this out.

-Mysweetmonkey.com? -Placing sweet monkeys

with families since 2005. And look,

each monkey comes with its own certificate of sweetness.

Sweet.

No no, look, we wanna get on the next ship out of here.

Because our bungalow blew away and we wanna leave.

Three days?

No no no no, you don't understand.

My wife is very irritable.

So if you could please just-- Hey, honey?

-Hey, where are you going? -Home for Christmas!

Wait, I-- I gotta go.

Wait! Wait for me, honey, I'm coming!

Wait! Don't leave!

Hurry, come see the float we get to ride on!

Come on, run Josh.

Cool.

It's Santa's sleigh!

I got us the best float in the parade.

Nice.

-Man, the snow looks real. -You've seen real snow?

Sure, you haven't?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, man.

Please don't get the girl started.

-What? -Every time Mary Alice sees

a movie with snow in it, she goes on and on and on.

I want to see real snow. Snow, snow, snow.

-Dude, chill. -Don't make fun of her.

Like you've never wanted to build a snowman.

Attention, float captains. Please mount your vehicles.

The San Diego Christmas Parade will begin in seven minutes.

Look at that sleigh, baby!

Excuse me sir, you can't park here.

Put the lime in the coconut!

-What's wrong with that man? -No one knows.

Psst, psst.

Hello.

Hey, you're friends with Drake and Josh.

I know.

You don't want to see them go to jail, do you?

-No. -Don't touch me.

You better remind them that they have to give those kids

the best Christmas they ever had or Drake and Josh go to jail.

Stop that, go tell Drake and Josh loudly.

No, that's not, that's not for you.

-Stop that. -It's warm.

-No, I know, listen-- -It's like a honeydew.

Go remind Drake and Josh.

I wanna rub it!

That's not for you, get out, go, go.

Yes.

Hey, what's up, D and J?

-getting ready for the parade? -Yeah, you know.

Absotutely.

Okay well, I'm just reminding you guys

that you need to give these kids the best

Christmas ever if you want to stay out of jail!

No, no, no, no. Hey, no.

-Let's not discuss-- -Oh, they don't know about the--

-No, no, no they don't. -They don't know about it.

I got it. I get it, I get it.

-You see, a judge said -No, no, no, no don't--

that Drake and Josh have to give you guys the best Christmas ever

or else they gotta go back to prison.

Heavy stuff. Later.

Yes.

I thought you guys were doing all this 'cause

you promised Mary Alice a great Christmas.

No, we are, all right? That is why.

It just so happens that we kinda got arrested.

And we told the judge about the promise I'd made to Mary Alice.

It's like... You guys have heard of community service, right?

So you were just being nice to us, as like a punishment?

-No. -Told you these guys

don't care about us. Come on.

Let's go home.

-Come on, Trey. -No guys, come on, come on.

Look, we weren't just doing this so we didn't have to go to jail!

Look, I know how it looks but-- You guys, you guys.

Look, you don't understand, it's not--

You don't have to--

It's not just about not going to jail.

-Zigfee. -Come on.

-Jump it, jump it, it's-- -And then pull.

And then pull, then pull, pull.

-You know we're going to jail. -Yeah, I know.

Jail scares me.

How do you think I feel being all good lookin'?

But I don't wanna go back to jail.

The toilets are made of metal and it's so cold.

-Maybe we could-- -Dude, no matter what we do,

there's no chance those kids are gonna tell

our parole officer they had the best Christmas ever.

I know.

But I still wanna keep my promise.

When have you ever worried about keeping a promise?

I wanna keep this one.

-The rich and-- -Okay that's enough shaking--

A birthday salmon--

Boulder, Colorado today saw it's heaviest snowfall

in over 30 years with 27 inches of the white stuff

falling in less than 12 hours.

Businesses and schools were closed across the state,

but these kids sure didn't seem to mind one bit.

In other news--

That's it.

-That's what? -That's how we keep the promise.

How are we gonna make it snow?

That's Sally.

Sally is a very pretty wood chipper.

Yeah, I'm a lucky guy.

-How does it work? -She!

She.

Simple. You put logs in her over here.

And she spits sawdust out of there

like a baby spits cream corn on his mama's bosom.

-But, if you put ice in here. -Snow, baby!

-Yeah hey, can we borrow it? -Her!

-Her. -Sure.

♪ My head is full of pretty lumps ♪

Officer Gilbert, what are you doing here?

I got a message that something was delivered to my office.

But you should be home. It's Christmas Eve.

Oh, blip blip boo.

Hi.

Dear Officer Gilbert,

Drake and I heard what happened when you were little,

but that's no reason to hate Christmas or monkeys.

Maybe the one you got way back then was

in a bad mood or something.

But this one comes with a guaranteed

certificate of sweetness.

She's only seven months old. We hope you like her.

Merry Christmas, from Josh and Drake.

Make it Drake and Josh. It sounds weird the other way.

Merry Christmas from Drake and Josh.

Hi.

You're cute, pretty little monkey.

How much ice do you think we'll need?

A lot.

Hey.

Oh hey, Luke.

What's going on?

-We're gonna make it snow. -Yeah?

Well, why don't you guys do us a favor and just get outta here?

We still want you guys to have a great Christmas.

Dude, game over, okay?

You never cared about Mary Alice or any of us.

And when the judge or whoever asks what kind of

Christmas we had, we're gonna say it was the worst.

Whether you make it snow or not.

We know how you're gonna vote,

but I made a promise and we're keepin' it.

Whatever.

You guys have fun in jail.

-Are they still out there? -Just forget about them.

-Alright, all set. -Our last deed as free men.

Hey, What are you doing?

This.

You ready to turn 4,000 pounds of ice into snow?

Let it snow, brother.

-Oh! -Turn it off, turn it off!

That's not snow! That's ice!

-Come on, come on, come on! -Come on.

-What do we do? -I don't, I don't know!

Get out of the way!

Mary Alice! Get out of the way!

-This is ludicrous! -This is a bad situation!

Yeah, no kidding.

This was my grandmother's blender,

-she wanted you to have it. -Aw.

We're demolishing a neighborhood!

I know, we gotta stop it!

Go Josh!

Josh, be careful!

Josh!

Are you okay?

Man, how do you turn this thing--

Stop. Not cool, Josh.

What's going on?

Officer Gilbert?

-What happened? -Don't worry, you're both fine.

-Just banged up a little. -How did we get here?

Some police officers and I brought you home last night.

The wood chipper's in your garage.

You like your sweet monkey?

I love her, I love her so much.

Thank you, guys.

Because of you, I once again love Christmas.

And monkeys.

Now, on another subject,

I spoke to Mary Alice and her foster family this morning.

I'm gonna have to take you both to jail.

-Okay. -Let's go.

He's trying to escape.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Okay, I don't get it.

You tried to make it snow at our house.

Even though you thought you were going to jail.

That was so sweet of you guys.

We know you didn't mean for it to turn to a drive by.

Yeah.

Look, most of the Christmas stuff

you guys tried to do for us well, sucked.

But you still taught us a lot.

Yeah, look, we went and got our own tree.

It's a Guatemalan Fir.

-We decorated it ourselves. -And made our own cookies.

And a gingerbread house.

And the whole time, me and Lily didn't pound

-on each other even once. -Nope.

But why didn't you guys do all this stuff to your own house?

You said Christmas was about doing nice stuff

for other people.

We wanted you guys to have a nice Christmas, too.

-And you shot up our house. -Yeah.

The house, it was like totally ruined, and...

Lotta damage.

Wait, so what are the rest of you guys doing here?

Well, I heard that last night you boys were injured

'cause of some wood chipper run amok.

I wanted to make sure Drake was all right.

-Helen called me. -Eric called me.

-I live here. -I heard there were cookies.

-Ew. -Move.

Mindy, you're back!

-I heard you got hurt. -It's okay, Drake's fine.

-Josh? -I'm good.

Is it true you went to jail? And is that a monkey?

-A lot's happened. -Obviously, I mean--

-Ooh, gingerbread. -Mindy?

Oh, yeah, do Drake and Josh have to go to jail or what?

Well, it's not my decision.

According to Judge Newman's orders

Mary Alice and her foster siblings have to vote.

And the answer must be unanimous.

So, yes or no?

Is this the best Christmas you've ever had?

-Yes. -Yes.

-Yes. -Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Hug me, brother!

Zigfee, Zigfee!

That was your first English word.

-Yes? -Yes!

-Yes! -Yes!

-Yes! -Say something else.

Um, Merry Christmilk?

-Close enough. -Yes!

-Come on, let's sing it! -Yeah!

♪ We wish you a merry Christmilk We wish you a merry Christmilk ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmilk and a happy new year ♪

♪ glad tidings we--

What in the world?

Come here, Zigfee! Whoa, what's going on?

It's Santa Claus.

Yep, he's stuck.

Told you A man that big ought not be in a chimney.

Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho.

Merry Christmas and all that stuff.

Bludge!

Everyone, everyone, this is my friend, mentor,

-and former cell mate, Bludge. -Hi.

What's up?

-Cell mate? -What's up?

Hey, we're all thrilled you're here, but why?

'Cause Josh wrote me saying you guys were

trying to help some kids out for Christmas.

He's my pen pal.

And the real Santa wanted me to bring you guys these.

Check this out. There we go.

Hey, check it out.

-Whoa. -There you go.

Yep, yep, yep. Here you go, we got here.

Yeah, go ahead, help yourselves.

Where's Megan?

A Smith Royal oboe?

Merry Christmas.

Santa Bludge, I have a present for you.

-What's that? -Me!

Hey, all day.

Yeah, oh, this is so cool.

No way.

Snow!

-Snow? -In San Diego?

It's a miracle!

Come on, let's go outside!

Come here, right here.

Move your arms back.

Oh, it's in my hair.

Yeah, and your legs.

Yeah, that's it. Look out.

Hey, Merry Christmas!

-Look! -Yeah, yeah!

Look out.

Yeah!

Dude!

How'd you make it work?

Cheese!

7,000 pounds of hard cheese!

Sally loves it.

Cheese.

-Hard cheese. -Yeah, nature's fruit!

-What in the-- -Whoa!

Snow? Why does it smell like cheese?

Look.

-Mom! -Dad!

You're back!

Wow, what's going on here?

-Christmas. -Christmas, baby.

-This is great. -Wow.

It's nice.

Look what we've accomplished, Sally!

-So? -So?

Yes or no, is this the best Christmas you ever had?

It will be. After this!

-I'm gonna get you Nichols! -Bring it, Parker!

Come on, come on!

♪ Come on let's hear it

♪ Make some noise it's Christmas time get in the spirit ♪

♪ Make some noise it's Christmas time ♪

♪ la la la la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ la la la la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ over the fields we go laughing all the way ♪

♪ bells on bobtails ring making those spirits bright ♪

♪ what fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse ♪

♪ open sleigh ♪

♪ jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

Mmm.