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1
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,960
MYSTERIOUS VOCALISING
2
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,960
HORSE NEIGHS
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00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,960
BIRDS CAWING
4
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,320
Grumio?
Grumio, mate?
5
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:29,960
Marcus?
6
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,640
Grumio. No.
7
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Grumio?
8
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,960
Grumio? No.
MARCUS CRIES
9
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,960
Grumio, please don't be dead.
10
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Don't be dead, Grumio.
Don't be dead!
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I'm sorry.
12
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,960
Poor, sweet Grumio.
13
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,800
MARCUS SOBS
14
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UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
15
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,960
Hurry up, Grumio, you lazy slug.
Why are you so slow?
16
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Told you
we shouldn't have set off now,
17
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,960
in between brekkie
and me morning poo.
18
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:10,960
I'm fully loaded over here.
19
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:11,960
Yes. Well, not everything in life
20
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,800
can be timed around
your bowel movements, I'm afraid.
21
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ALL: Hail! Hail!
ELEPHANTS TRUMPET
22
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:37,320
Oh, you're kidding me!
Now we'll definitely be late.
23
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:39,960
Can't we just nip across this party,
or whatever?
24
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,960
It's not a party, you idiot.
It's a victory parade.
25
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,160
You don't just nip across.
Ooh, victory?
26
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,960
Who'd they beat this time?
The Parthians.
27
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,960
Looks like we kicked their arses.
Fucking losers!
28
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Ha-ha-ha! In your face, Parthians.
29
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,960
CHANTS: Who are ya? Who are ya?
30
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,960
Who, who, who are they, then,
these Parthians?
31
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No idea. Either way,
I'm not sure we should be cheering
32
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:01,960
the annihilation of another race.
33
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,960
It's their fault, in't it,
for messing with t'best?
34
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,800
Come on.
Let's go the long way round.
35
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,960
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
Bloody hell, what were that?
36
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:09,960
It sounds like we stole an elephant.
37
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,960
They can do that with their nose,
apparently.
38
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,960
You what? This, I've got to see.
39
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:14,960
Argh!
Oh, sorry!
40
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960
You're treading on my foot. Sorry.
We just wanna see the elephant.
41
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:18,960
Well, I wanna see soldiers.
42
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960
Remind myself
what real men look like.
43
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960
Like professional murderers,
I guess.
44
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,960
Well, not like some whiny pussy,
whose mum still tucks him in.
45
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,960
You have a narrow definition
of masculinity.
46
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Touch me again, I'll lamp ya.
47
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960
And my mum doesn't tuck me in,
thank you.
48
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:32,960
Bloody Nora, it's a whopper!
49
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,960
Argh!
50
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960
Argh!
I warned you, dickhead.
51
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,960
Grumio, help me!
Ha-ha-ha, this is quality. Ha-ha!
52
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,960
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS
53
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,960
You're half an hour late.
Yeah, sorry.
54
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,960
It was the army's fault
for blocking the road.
55
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,960
And an old woman's fault
for punching me in the face.
56
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,960
And my slave's for not defending me.
Defence in't my forte.
57
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,160
This is a slave
whose licence you failed to renew.
58
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,320
Grumio, is it?
It is, yes. Hello.
59
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,960
Yeah, again, his fault
for not completing the paperwork.
60
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,320
Paperwork's not my forte either.
61
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,960
I'm not sure he has a forte,
to be honest.
62
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,960
Well, why renew his licence, then?
Wouldn't you rather just sell him?
63
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,960
What? Do you wanna buy him?
64
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,000
Definitely not.
And there you go.
65
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,960
He's a dud, and I'm stuck with him.
Pot, kettle, mate.
66
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,640
Right. Well, fill in this form,
67
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:25,000
and return to collect your licence
next week.
68
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,320
And don't be late this time.
Yeah.
69
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,960
Well, can I use your back
to write on? Oh!
70
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,960
And he says I don't have a forte.
71
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,960
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
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00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,960
GROANING
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OK, darling.
Right, next match, you V me.
74
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,320
No? All right,
just follow him instead.
75
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,960
Don't blame you,
he's a bleeding beefcake.
76
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,960
We're busy. Why are we busy?
All right, boys?
77
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,480
Yeah, I filled the place
with soldiers.
78
00:03:58,480 --> 00:03:59,960
There's someone in me seat.
79
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,960
It's a small price to pay, Grumio.
This is amazing!
80
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:03,960
I know, right?
81
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:04,960
I signed us up to this thing
82
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,960
where businesses give freebies
to soldiers.
83
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Freebies? Yeah.
And then they all just pile in.
84
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,000
They're getting freebies?
Yes. Why would you do that?
85
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,960
Erm, to show some appreciation
to the heroes, maybe.
86
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,960
Yeah. And to show some appreciation
to the hotties that follow 'em in.
87
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,960
Although, they're only really
interested in the heroes, though.
88
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,000
Sort of backfired in that respect.
89
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,960
It's backfired
in every bloody respect.
90
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,960
This is a disaster!
Yeah. Where am I meant to sit?
91
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,960
Excuse me?! Hello!
92
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,960
Hello, heroes and friends of heroes.
93
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960
Just to say,
we are no longer participating
94
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,960
in the free food and drink scheme.
95
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,640
You're more than welcome to stay,
96
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,960
but from now on,
you'll have to pay.
97
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:37,960
GROANING
98
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,960
We've already paid, mate,
with our service.
99
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960
OK. Well, from now on,
you can pay with your money,
100
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,320
for our service.
101
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:46,960
Is this guy for real?
Are you for real?
102
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,480
Yes, I am.
103
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,960
We just conquered Parthia
for pricks like you,
104
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:51,960
and this is the thanks we get?
105
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,800
You didn't conquer it for me.
106
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,000
I was fine without Parthia,
thank you.
107
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,160
Some of us got killed.
Yes. Well, not you, though, clearly.
108
00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,480
I got wounded, mate.
109
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,480
Picked up this baby
on the final assault.
110
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:03,960
Did you? Really?
111
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:04,960
Because I picked up a similar baby
112
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,960
falling off a pony
when I was nine, so...
113
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,960
Oh, I can't find it now.
It must have faded.
114
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,960
Either way, you will have to pay,
I'm afraid.
115
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:12,960
Well, come on, then, lads,
116
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,960
let's go somewhere
that values our sacrifice.
117
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,960
They're doing free chicken
at The Beak Barn.
118
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,160
Yeah, that's more like it.
119
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,960
Come on.
120
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,640
You need to respect the eagle, boy.
121
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,960
Oi, oi, oi! Stop it! Come on.
122
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960
A couple more whacks,
the whole thing'll come down.
123
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,480
All right, Landlord?
124
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,960
Salve, Grumio. Look at this.
I have a message from the Emperor.
125
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,960
Oh, right.
Were that him there, then?
126
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,960
Oh, yeah, yeah. He's very hands-on.
What's it say?
127
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960
"Following the victory in Parthia,
128
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,960
"His Holiness Augustus Caesar
hereby calls an end to all wars
129
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,960
"and declares an era
of lasting peace."
130
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960
Oh, sweet! Peace is way better.
131
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,960
Well, it's more peaceful, in't it?
Yeah.
132
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,960
"As a result, our brave veterans
will now need housing,
133
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,960
"and so he commands
a series of purchase orders
134
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,960
"on selected tenements,
including this one."
135
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,480
What? They're buying this place?
And kicking us out, yeah.
136
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,320
Don't kick us out. We love it here!
137
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,960
Well, I wouldn't go that far,
but yeah, please don't kick us out.
138
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,960
That'd be a huge faff.
Don't sweat it, boys.
139
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,960
You know me,
I can wriggle out of it.
140
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:18,960
Cheers, Landlord.
Nice.
141
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,000
"Given the inconvenience,
142
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,960
"we are prepared to offer
an inflated price of a h..."
143
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,960
Bloody hell! Erm...
144
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,320
Right. So, does that mean...?
145
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,960
Well, maybe I can't
wriggle out of it, actually.
146
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,960
Oh, super! Super-duper!
147
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:34,960
I mean, how have they done this?
148
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,960
In one day, these heroes
have absolutely smashed
149
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:37,960
my quality of life.
150
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,960
This must be what it's like
for the bloody Parthians.
151
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,320
Look, I hear you, brother,
and I agree.
152
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,960
It is jizz. It's red-hot jizz, OK?
153
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,960
But it's how we respond
to this stuff that counts.
154
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,960
Yes, yes. I know.
Think of the positives.
155
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,960
Focus on what we've got.
Well, no.
156
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,000
I was thinking more,
we join the army.
157
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,960
I'm sorry,
what kind of response is that?
158
00:06:58,960 --> 00:06:59,960
Look, think about it.
159
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,960
As soon as we put them uniforms on,
160
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960
we're gonna be drowning in hotties,
free chicken.
161
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,160
And it doesn't matter
if we get turfed out of this place
162
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:07,960
because they'll put us up
in barracks.
163
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,960
You had me at free chicken,
sweetheart.
164
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,000
And your quality of life,
double naughty.
165
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,960
I mean, yeah, unless I get killed.
166
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,160
Death wouldn't be ideal
for my quality of life either.
167
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,960
Yeah, but you heard Landlord.
168
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,000
His Holiness has declared
an era of lasting peace.
169
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,480
We'd have all the perks
without any of the shit stuff,
170
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:23,800
eg, dying.
171
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,960
And we might get one of them
bog-brush helmets. Exactly.
172
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:29,320
Come on, man, there has never been
a better time to sign up.
173
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,960
I turn 30 in a few weeks.
174
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,960
I'm not just starting again
as a soldier.
175
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,160
Plus, there's the bar.
We've got to think about that.
176
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,960
That place has got
so much untapped potential.
177
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,960
AURELIUS: Look around you.
They've trashed the place.
178
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,960
Me stock's gone,
the plates are in pieces,
179
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:48,960
and they've shat in the wine jugs.
180
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,800
Ugh. It's quite impressive,
actually.
181
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,160
Oh!
182
00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:00,960
So, Jason, why do you want to join
the armed forces?
183
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,960
Er, I guess, to impress girls,
you know what I mean?
184
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,480
OK. I'm going to put "to give
something back to my country".
185
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,320
Cool. Yeah, yeah. That, too. Yeah.
186
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,960
Ooh!
187
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:14,960
Aaahhh!
188
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,960
Could you please tell me the motto
of the Roman Army?
189
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:21,800
Uh, "kill strangers, get elephants"?
190
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,640
Almost. It's "strength and honour".
191
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,960
Well, they both work, don't they?
192
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,960
WHISPERS: Yes!
193
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960
What would you say
is your greatest achievement?
194
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,960
That's a tricky one.
There's so much to choose from.
195
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960
I once ate a wheelbarrow
full of cheese.
196
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:39,960
OK. Anything else?
197
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,960
I didn't cut my toenails for a year.
198
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,960
I think I'll stick with the cheese.
199
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,960
You're the boss.
200
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,960
Congratulations!
Welcome to the army.
201
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,160
Ha! That was easier than I thought.
202
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:52,960
Well,
with so many soldiers retiring,
203
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,960
we're taking almost anyone
at the moment.
204
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
OK. That makes sense now.
205
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,960
And we get 2,000 denarii
just for signing up.
206
00:08:58,960 --> 00:08:59,960
I can't believe it.
I know!
207
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,480
I'm still waiting for the catch.
I think it's coming now.
208
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,960
Oh, for Jove's sake,
what are you doing here?
209
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,160
Erm, giving something back
to my country, of course.
210
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,960
Did you follow us?
211
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,960
Well, let's not dwell on
who followed who.
212
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,160
So, yes, then.
Yes, I did. But who cares?
213
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,960
We're together, is what matters.
214
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960
This is a whole new adventure
for us.
215
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,160
The Barracks Boys.
216
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,960
When do I learn
how to strangle someone?
217
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,960
Recruits, fall in.
218
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,960
Which one's fall in? Sorry, mate.
219
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,320
Just stand still, golden tits.
220
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:30,800
Morning!
221
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,960
My name is Centurion Gordian,
222
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,960
but YOU can call me sir.
223
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,960
My job is to turn
you bunch of bed-wetters
224
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,960
into a crack troop
of hardened killers.
225
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Which, seeing as the Emperor
has called an end to all war,
226
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,960
is a complete fucking waste of time.
227
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,960
We should just form a daisy chain
and fucking tug each other dry.
228
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,000
But the big man is paying us...
229
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,960
..so let's crack on with the oath.
230
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960
Repeat after me,
231
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,960
I swear by the sacred gods
of mine own honour...
232
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,960
ALL: I swear by the sacred gods
of mine own honour...
233
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,960
'..that I will faithfully serve
under the standards of Rome...'
234
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,800
ALL: '..that I will faithfully serve
under the standards of Rome...'
235
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:28,960
'..that I will follow my commander,
wherever he may lead...'
236
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960
'..that I will obey orders
enthusiastically
237
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,000
'and without question...'
238
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,160
'..that I will obey orders
enthusiastically
239
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,960
'and without question...'
240
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:41,960
'..that I will support
my fellow soldiers...'
241
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:47,320
'..and I will never desert
the legion.'
242
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,960
Having made this solemn oath,
I congratulate you.
243
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,960
Welcome to the Second Legion.
244
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,960
You are now soldiers of Rome.
245
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960
Easy-peasy!
246
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,480
I told her I was a commando.
I don't even know what that is.
247
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:06,960
It's someone who don't wear undies.
248
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,960
That was definitely true
by the end of the night.
249
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,960
I've got to hand it to you, Jason,
I cannot believe how cushy this is.
250
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,960
I know! And it's just marching
about, which is basically walking.
251
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:15,960
And not to stroke me own goat,
252
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,960
but I had nailed that
by the age of two.
253
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,960
And this is great.
Uh-huh.
254
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,000
I didn't catch much of that, Grumio,
255
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,960
but I'm assuming it was something
about the free chicken.
256
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,960
THEY CHUCKLE
257
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,320
I need 400 sacks of grain,
258
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,480
200 packhorses and 3,000 cabbages.
259
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,960
Oh, that's a big recipe.
What are you making, a stew?
260
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,960
CHUCKLES
No, no.
261
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,960
We had news last night
of a barbarian invasion
262
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:47,960
on our northern border.
263
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,480
Oh, really? Where's that, then?
264
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,960
Frisia.
About a three-week march away.
265
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,960
Oh, that's fine.
They won't get here for ages.
266
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,960
They won't get here at all, ideally.
267
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,960
We're sending the Second Legion
to drive them back.
268
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,640
Nice one! That'll learn 'em.
269
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:02,960
But that's us.
We're the Second Legion.
270
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,960
Oh, shit! That is us.
There we go. The penny's dropped.
271
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,960
Yes, the Emperor's put us on
an immediate war footing, you see.
272
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,960
But what about the era
of lasting peace?
273
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,960
I suppose it didn't last very long,
did it? As per.
274
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,960
Did you hear the news, lads?
Go pack your bollocks.
275
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,960
We're going to war, baby. Come on!
276
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:22,480
Let's kill
some filthy foreign fucks. Yes!
277
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,000
Strength and honour, then.
278
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,960
Strength and honour.
279
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,160
War?! Fucking war?
280
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,960
"There's never been a better time
to sign up," you said.
281
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:44,960
Well, don't blame me.
282
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,000
Blame the barbarians for invading,
or the Emperor for getting wound up.
283
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,960
Chill out. It'll be fine.
284
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,960
I'm sorry, what? War will be fine?
285
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,960
Probs.
286
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,960
Yeah. Look, it might even be good.
287
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,960
Right, we toddle up there,
fight some foreigners,
288
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:58,960
bang some birds
and then we toddle back.
289
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,960
It'll be like a lads' holiday.
290
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,960
Of course it won't.
It will be horrible.
291
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,960
War is not for guys like us, OK?
Let alone Grumio.
292
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,960
What? Why "let alone Grumio"?
293
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,960
What part of soldiering
in't for me?
294
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:11,960
Well, let's have a think, shall we?
295
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,960
Erm, getting out of bed,
making your bed.
296
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,640
Two things you struggle with
in the first few minutes of the day.
297
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,960
And how will you cope
with the bloodthirsty barbarians?
298
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,960
Well, I'll give them a wide berth,
obviously.
299
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,960
And if shit gets nasty,
I'll play dead.
300
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,960
I think you won't have to play dead,
Grumio, when you will just be dead.
301
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,160
Don't worry about me, son.
I'll ace it.
302
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,960
MARCUS SCOFFS
303
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,960
Hey, if you're not up for it, mate,
304
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,320
then how's about
you just don't come?
305
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,320
Well, no, because that's desertion.
306
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,960
And according to our oath,
that is not cool.
307
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,960
MARCUS BREATHES HEAVILY
308
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,160
Grumio, pass me that knife.
309
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,960
I'm gonna chop my pinkie off.
310
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,640
What? How's that gonna help?
311
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:48,960
The army needs you to have
all ten fingers.
312
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,960
It's a bit chicken-y.
Don't fucking judge me.
313
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,960
I meant the knife,
it's covered in chicken juice.
314
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,960
That's fine. Just give it here.
315
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:55,960
HE EXHALES
316
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,960
Goodbye, little finger.
317
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:00,960
Never really used you,
318
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960
but I thank you for your sacrifice
to save the rest of me, so...
319
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,960
MARCUS EXHALES
320
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,160
If I can just...
bring myself to do it.
321
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,960
MARCUS WINCES
322
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:16,960
OK, I am a bit chicken-y.
323
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,960
War it is, then. Good choice!
I'll get one more for the road.
324
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,960
Excuse me!
325
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,160
LIVELY MUSIC
326
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,320
Company, fall out.
327
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,960
Fall out, not fall down, Gallo,
you ugly turd.
328
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,960
On your feet, man.
329
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,960
Welcome. Welcome to the garrison.
330
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,960
It's a bit of a sausage party,
innit?
331
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,960
What, the army? Yeah, it is.
What were you expecting?
332
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,960
Well, like, a girl in every port.
That's the saying, innit?
333
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,960
Yeah, about the navy.
Is it? Shit!
334
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,960
Saw a hot blonde standing in a field
a couple of days back.
335
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:35,960
That was a scarecrow, Grumio.
336
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,960
A hot scarecrow, then.
GORDIAN: Company, attention!
337
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:39,960
ALL: Sir.
338
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,960
Get yourselves in groups of four,
and grab a tent from the pile.
339
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,160
Chop, chop! Get to it!
340
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,960
And a one, two, three, four,
they call us The Canvas Crew.
341
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,640
I don't think they do, actually.
No fucking way, mate.
342
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:51,960
But why not?
We're a ready-made foursome.
343
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,960
Er, well, because our tent's full.
344
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960
Yeah, we're already a foursome,
mate.
345
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,960
What? How? Who with?
346
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960
Oh, God, where's he gone?
347
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,960
It's a bit of a sausage fest, innit?
348
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,960
There he is. Oi, mate!
Remind me your name again.
349
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960
Draco Fructus. Why?
350
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960
That's the one.
And you're in a tent with us, right?
351
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
Yeah. So, whatever!
352
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,960
Sorry, bro.
We can't let Draco Fructus down.
353
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,960
All right, lads,
do you want to share a tent?
354
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:17,960
No, OK.
355
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,960
Greetings, Centurion.
Welcome to Frisia.
356
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,960
Thank you, sir. Glad to be here.
357
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960
You shouldn't be.
This place is a total toilet.
358
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960
Yeah. Foreign milk tastes weird,
doesn't it, Corporal?
359
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960
Oh, it does, sir.
Pillows are weird as well.
360
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960
No fluff to them at all,
is there, Corporal?
361
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,960
Oh, they are very flat, sir.
Disgustingly flat.
362
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,960
Well, let's hope
these newbies are up to snuff,
363
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,960
so we can get out of this dump,
pronto.
364
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,960
They certainly are, sir.
365
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,640
GRUMIO: Where's the corners?
That man's stuck in a tent.
366
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,640
GRUMIO: Which way's the right?
Get off me!
367
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,960
For fuck's sake!
368
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,800
Get off me!
369
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,320
Ridiculous!
370
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:52,960
GORDIAN: Go. Move, move, move,
move, move, move, move. Move!
371
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,960
Come on. That's it, boys.
Move on through there.
372
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,640
And the next! Let's go.
Go on, that's it, wee man.
373
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,960
Faster, Gallo, you boneless dick!
374
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,960
Go, go, go! That's it, that's it!
375
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,640
Keep moving.
Come on, Gallo. Pathetic.
376
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,480
You're like a lifeless testicle.
377
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:13,960
Concentrate, Gallo,
378
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,800
that wrist's had enough practice,
hasn't it?
379
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,960
Well done, Grumio.
That's nice and shiny.
380
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:25,320
Don't just hang there, Gallo,
you miserable streak of spunk.
381
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,960
Pull up!
382
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:33,960
OK, shit birds, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
383
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960
Combat training.
384
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,480
I need a volunteer.
385
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,960
Go on, then, sir, I'll have a bash.
Good man.
386
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,960
Grab a sword.
All right. Oh!
387
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,960
Now, I want you to edge forward,
388
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,960
side on and stab it.
389
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,960
Yes, sir. I'll do my best.
390
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,160
Good. Good stance.
391
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,960
Low centre of gravity.
392
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,960
Did you spar back in Rome?
393
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,960
Well, the bath house
did have a steam room, yeah.
394
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,960
Did you fight at home?
395
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,960
No, sir. I mostly ate and slept.
396
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,960
Ah, then, you must be a natural.
397
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,960
MARCUS SCOFFS
AND CHUCKLES
398
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,960
You disagree, do you, legionary?
399
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,800
Well, perhaps you would like to
show us how it's done.
400
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,960
Oh, yes, please do, legionary.
401
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:20,960
OK.
402
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,960
So, something like...
Side on.
403
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,160
I ordered you to stab, not swipe!
404
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,800
Got it.
"Got it, sir."
405
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,960
Got it, sir. All right.
It's quite heavy, innit?
406
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:34,960
Side on!
407
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960
I ordered you to stab, not swipe!
408
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,960
Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab!
409
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,960
Oh, oh!
Did I say you could stop?!
410
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,960
Sorry, sir, I just got a splinter.
A splinter? Oh, shit!
411
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,960
Oh, is that why you're wailing
like a baby being buggered, is it?
412
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:49,960
SOLDIERS LAUGH
413
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:54,160
How in Jove's name are you
gonna cope with actual barbarians?
414
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,960
Will they be made of wood, sir?
415
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,160
No, legionary,
they will not be made of wood!
416
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,160
They will be made
of pure savagery and hatred!
417
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,960
Something you'd better be ready for
418
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,960
if you're gonna be in the front line
of the Roman fucking Army.
419
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,640
Sorry, in the front line?
420
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,960
Stand down, Gallo,
you quivering anus.
421
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,960
And shut up.
422
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,960
Pathetic!
423
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,160
The front line?
424
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,160
I thought we'd be hidden
in the middle somewhere.
425
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,960
The front line's closest to
the action. That's what you want.
426
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,960
If you're at a gig, yes.
Not at a war.
427
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,960
Hey, we'll be first
into enemy territory,
428
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,960
so dibs on the spoils,
if you know what I'm saying?
429
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,800
Oh-ho, yeah.
I'm gonna spoils myself rotten.
430
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,960
Oh, yeah, man, we'll scoop up
some of that sweet barbarian booty.
431
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,960
The booty!
The fruity booty!
432
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:41,960
Sorry, just to be clear,
433
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,800
are you talking about
sexual assault?
434
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,960
No! I don't think so. What? Are we?
435
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,320
No. No, not exactly.
436
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,640
Pillaging booty is a well-known part
of the war experience.
437
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,960
Consensual pillaging, yeah?
Well, they're foreign,
438
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,960
so it's hard to know
what they're saying.
439
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,800
Don't worry about it.
It's a grey area.
440
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:58,960
It's quite dark grey, though, innit?
441
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,960
Booty!
Uh-huh.
442
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,960
Little tip from the top, I apply oil
to my lips to keep them lubed.
443
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,000
Aurelius, where've you been?
Why weren't you at training?
444
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,960
And what's with the curly sword?
It's my big bugle, if you must know.
445
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960
Top brass saw I had music skills
on my forms
446
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:12,960
and transferred me
to the Empire Band.
447
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,960
The band? What, do you still have to
do soldiering, or what?
448
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,960
No. We just play tunes at the back.
449
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,960
Which is a shame
cos I'm also an excellent archer.
450
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:21,960
But hey-ho.
451
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,960
Can we get transferred to
the Empire Band?
452
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:24,960
I doubt it.
453
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960
You need at least grade five
in a wind instrument.
454
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,800
And, no, your bottom doesn't count.
455
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:29,960
THEY LAUGH
456
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,640
Come on, band of brothers,
let's leave these losers behind.
457
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,960
I'll catch you guys in a bit.
Hey, where you going?
458
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,960
We're trying out
defensive manoeuvres.
459
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,640
Yeah. Yeah, so am I.
460
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,960
Hello there. I'm here to see
the senior officer.
461
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,960
I've just arrived from Rome.
Oh, yes, of course.
462
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:57,000
The General's just through there.
Through here? Uh-huh.
463
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,960
In you go, then.
He's here, sir!
464
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,480
General Diomedes, sir.
Ah-ha, and about time too.
465
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,960
Where do you want me,
on the couch, the desk?
466
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:09,960
Er, wherever you like.
467
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,960
It was just to ask about
the possibility of, er...
468
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,960
I can't tell you how desperately
I've needed someone with expertise.
469
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,960
Come on, then, hop to it.
470
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,960
My neck and shoulders
are in absolute knots.
471
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,960
Chop, chop!
Right. Yes. Yeah.
472
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,960
Ah.
473
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,960
Senator Macrobius
was singing your praises.
474
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:42,320
Said you had the magic touch.
That's... kind of him?
475
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,640
Hence why I had you sent from Rome.
476
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:48,640
The doctors they have here are weird
with weird smelly hands.
477
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,960
Don't hold back.
Really get in there, nice and deep.
478
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,960
Ah, yes, that's it.
Is it?
479
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,960
I mean... yes, I know it is.
480
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,320
Am I knotty? I imagine I'm knotty.
Extremely knotty.
481
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,000
Have you been doing
anything stressful recently?
482
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,960
Yes, I'm the General of the Roman
Army during a military campaign.
483
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,960
And that explains it.
Ah.
484
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,160
You know what? I think you need me
in here with you full time.
485
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,960
CLICK
What was that? Was that a click?
486
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,960
Yes, it was.
But it was a good click.
487
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,960
I clicked it on purpose. Well,
it didn't feel like a good click.
488
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,960
Well, which one of us is the expert?
Excuse me, sir.
489
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,800
Sorry to interrupt.
What is it, Corporal? I'm busy.
490
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,960
The masseur has just arrived
from Rome. Yes, I know, evidently.
491
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,320
Ah, no.
492
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,960
This is my masseur?
Ergo, this is not my masseur?
493
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,960
Who the fuck are you, please?
Marcus Gallo. Hi.
494
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,960
I'm a legionary in the Second.
I came to request a transfer, but...
495
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,960
You started massaging me?
I did, yes.
496
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,960
It just felt like
the right thing to do.
497
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,960
You clicked my neck, you fool.
Sorry about that.
498
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,640
Even so, I do think I'd be better
in a non-combat role, all the same.
499
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:58,960
Why did you let him in here,
Thaddeus?
500
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,960
I thought... Well, exactly.
You should give me HIS job.
501
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,960
I would never have let me in here.
No way. Get out!
502
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:04,960
Yes, sir.
Now!
503
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,960
Oh, you missed a good one today,
Marcus.
504
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,960
Yeah. Gordian taught us
this formation called the tortoise.
505
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,000
Does it involve moving very slowly
and living to a ripe old age?
506
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,960
Cos that sounds ideal.
507
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,960
Hey, I know you from somewhere.
Where do I know you from?
508
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,960
No. No, I'm a stranger.
509
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,960
Hey, Virgil, how do I know this guy?
510
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,960
The Crown And Toga, in Rome.
Wouldn't serve you free drinks.
511
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:39,960
Thank you, Grumio (!)
512
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:41,960
LAUGHS
Yes, that's how I know him.
513
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:43,960
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The shirty barman.
514
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,960
What are you doing here? You weren't
a huge fan of the army, as I recall.
515
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,960
Yes. Well, I needed a new vocation
after my workplace
516
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,800
was mysteriously trashed.
Oh, was it really?
517
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,960
That's a shame. Shame.
THEY LAUGH
518
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,960
Well, the military is no place
for a little puss boy like you.
519
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:02,640
You'll be cacking your panties
when those barbarians show up.
520
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,960
No, I won't, won't be doing that.
BLOWS RASPBERRY
521
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,960
I'll be repelling them, if anything.
Yeah, with the smell of your pants.
522
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:12,480
MIMICS THEIR LAUGH
No. With my acts of valour.
523
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,960
Because, for your information,
I'm thriving here.
524
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:18,160
I'm really impressing
and wowing people, actually.
525
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,960
Legionary Gallo, I know you missed
training today and I know why,
526
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,960
you filthy little bitch.
527
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,960
Muster up the unit by the tents
in one hour.
528
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,960
Yes, sir.
One hour, fuck knuckle.
529
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,960
He seemed impressed, didn't he?
Oh, yeah. He was well impressed.
530
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:39,320
SHRIEKING LAUGHTER
531
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,960
This afternoon,
it was brought to my attention
532
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:47,960
that a member of our unit
stole into the General's quarters
533
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,960
and assaulted his naked body.
Assaulted's a bit strong.
534
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:56,960
Accordingly, there will be
a punishment for the entire unit.
535
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,960
ALL GROAN
So, we shall be doing a dawn patrol.
536
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,960
Paying a friendly visit to some
local villages,
537
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,320
making our presence felt.
538
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,960
I'll make them feel MY presence,
all right.
539
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,320
Well, yeah, ask them to.
Not make 'em.
540
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,960
Grumio, I am promoting you
to Legionary First Class
541
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,160
in recognition of your progress.
542
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,960
You will carry the eagle on patrol.
Can you handle that?
543
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,960
Will it peck me, sir?
It's made of solid gold.
544
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,960
Then I can handle it, sir.
Good.
545
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,960
I suggest we all get some sleep.
We're up at first light.
546
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,960
OK. What are you doing?
What are you on about?
547
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:34,960
What? Obeying orders? Being... good?
What are you up to?
548
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,960
Nothing. He's my commanding officer.
He outranks me.
549
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,960
So do I. I'm literally your master
and you have never done a thing
550
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,960
I've asked you to,
let alone call me "sir".
551
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,960
Odd that, in't it? Maybe
it's just a question of respect.
552
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,480
If anything,
you should be calling me sir now.
553
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:49,960
OK. Just remember
who the boss is here.
554
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,960
Probably the lad
with the solid gold eagle.
555
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:34,960
Hey.
556
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,960
# We're going to a village
We'll have a little pillage
557
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,960
# I need to do my duty
Let's go and grab some booty
558
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:46,960
# Before we stick it in
Let's get their permission. #
559
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,960
Well, no booty for me, thanks, guys.
560
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,960
I've-I've got a sweetheart
waiting for me back home.
561
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,960
Ah, that's nice.
Yep. I keep a picture in my pocket
562
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,960
so I can see her every day
until we're reunited.
563
00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:00,960
Can you not do that, please?
Marcus is a bit unlucky in love.
564
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,960
It's just, it's making me
a bit uncomfortable.
565
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,960
We're getting married when I'm back.
It just feels like tempting fate.
566
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,960
There will be a big party
and you'll all be invited.
567
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,960
Oh, wicked, cheers! It'll be
the happiest day of my life.
568
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:12,960
Shut up, please!
Sorry, dude. No offence!
569
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,960
Chill out, dude! He's just
wanging on about his sweetheart.
570
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:18,960
RUSTLING
571
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,960
Sir, there's something in t'trees.
572
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,960
Oh, and by the way, sir,
I absolutely love my new hat. Shh!
573
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,960
MEN SHOUTING
574
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,960
SHOUTING GETTING LOUDER
575
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,960
AXE WHOOSHES
576
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,800
It's an ambush!
577
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:55,000
Testudo, move up! Testudo!
Testudo!
578
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,640
What? What does that mean?
Tortoise formation!
579
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,960
That was the one I missed!
Just get under your shield!
580
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,960
Fuck, I don't like it.
581
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,640
I don't like it!
582
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:24,960
Oh, my fucking God!
583
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:31,960
Fuck me!
584
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,960
Get off me!
585
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:43,960
Let's get out of here!
586
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,640
I don't think that's really allowed,
is it? Who cares?!
587
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,800
OK. Fair enough. Let's go.
588
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:10,960
Grumio?
589
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,960
The barbarians have definitely
gone home.
590
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:17,640
Yeah, for now. Go on, then.
591
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:27,960
Grumio. Grumio, mate.
592
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:33,640
Oh, sorry! Sorry, mate.
Who are you saying sorry to?
593
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,960
The dead guys.
I keep stepping on them.
594
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:36,960
Sorry, sir.
595
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:40,960
Grumio.
596
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,960
Have you found him? No, it's just
someone else with a shit haircut.
597
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,960
Grumio? Grumio, mate.
Grumio.
598
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:56,960
Marcus!
599
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:04,640
Oh, Grumio. No. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Grumio.
600
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:05,960
Grumio. No.
601
00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:09,640
Grumio, please don't be dead.
602
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,960
Don't be dead, Grumio,
don't be dead!
603
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,160
SOBBING: I'm sorry.
604
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,960
Poor, sweet Grumio.
605
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,960
All right, chill out.
You're not dead?!
606
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:26,960
No, I'm playing dead,
like I said I would.
607
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,640
Bloody hell, G-man.
Thank fuck for that!
608
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,640
Come on, then.
Get this big bastard off me.
609
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,160
OK. Let's get out of here.
610
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:38,960
I'm not loving the vibe.
611
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:42,960
Sorry.
612
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:49,960
You were so still.
I totally thought you was a goner.
613
00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:53,960
I actually fell asleep for a bit.
That barbarian was so cosy.
614
00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:56,960
Yeah, I think Rome's due south,
whichever way that is.
615
00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,000
OK, cool. I'm on it.
Rome?
616
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,960
Who cares about Rome?
We're going back to camp.
617
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,960
Are you kidding me? We're not
going back to the army ever again.
618
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:06,480
We swore an oath.
619
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:08,960
If we don't go back now,
we're a bunch of shitty deserters.
620
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,960
Yeah. Well, I think I finally found
my ideal role in the army.
621
00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:13,960
You lily-livered bastard.
622
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:15,960
I'm sorry.
Which one of us played dead?
623
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,960
As Legionary First Class, I order
you to take me back to camp.
624
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,480
And as your master, I laugh
in the face of your orders. Ha!
625
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,960
But it's up to you, Grumio.
You can toddle off back to camp
626
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,160
and die in a horrid battle,
627
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,000
or you can head south
with me and Jason.
628
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,960
Which is this way, by the way.
Is it? Yeah.
629
00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,320
How do you know that? Oh, me and
my dad used to go camping, right?
630
00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:38,960
We'd always work out the route
by the sploshing of the rivers,
631
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:40,960
the squawking of the geese, like...
Oh, yeah.
632
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:42,960
Over to you, then.
633
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,960
We should get rid of
these uniforms, though,
634
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:46,960
with all these barbarians
knocking about.
635
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:47,960
I prefer not to look
like a Roman soldier.
636
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,960
Yeah, good shout. No, me neither.
637
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:54,960
And nor would General Grumio,
it seems.
638
00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,960
MUSIC: 'Chase The Devil'
by Max Romeo and The Upsetters
639
00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:09,960
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt
And chase Satan out of Earth
640
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:12,480
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt
641
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,960
# And chase the devil
Out of Earth... #
642
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:17,960
BIRD CAWS
643
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:19,960
MIMICS BIRD
644
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:22,960
# To find another race
645
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:26,000
# I'm gonna send him to outta space
646
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,800
# To find another race
647
00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:31,960
# Satan is a evilous man
648
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:34,960
# But him can't chocks it on I-man
649
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,640
# So when I check him
My lassing hand
650
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,960
# And if him slip
I gaan with him hand
651
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,960
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt
652
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:48,320
# And chase Satan out of Earth
653
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,960
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt... #
654
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,960
They slaughtered every last man in
the unit, sir, and took the eagle.
655
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:56,480
What? They took the eagle?
That's outrageous.
656
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,640
And slaughtered every last man
in the unit.
657
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:00,960
Yes, of course, and it's sad.
658
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,960
Excuse me, sir. Sorry to interrupt.
Aurelius Leifer, bugle man.
659
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,960
Just to say, there are three men
I can't find among the dead, sir.
660
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:10,960
Names? Marcus Gallo, Jason Brindisi
and Grumio Grumio.
661
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,960
You said Gallo? Well, he's
the arsehole that buggered my neck.
662
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,960
It's because of that charlatan
I can no longer turn my head.
663
00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:19,960
Look at this. I have to wheel around
like a bloody weather vane.
664
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:21,960
He's not in my list of the dead,
sir. Nor are the other two.
665
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,960
And yet they've not reported back.
Ergo, they must be deserters.
666
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:26,960
Well, that makes total sense, sir.
667
00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:28,960
They already deserted me
as a friend.
668
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,320
Optio? Sir?
Alert the tracker.
669
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:32,960
If anyone can hunt down
these deserters,
670
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:35,960
it's that brooding bastard.
Oh, the tracker sounds cool.
671
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:37,960
Oh, he is... very cool.
672
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,960
Then if I may, sir,
I'd like to go too.
673
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,800
You see, I know these guys
like my own shadow.
674
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,960
I've worked with them,
eaten with them, slept with them.
675
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,320
I've slept NEAR them.
I haven't had sex with any of them.
676
00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,960
Yes, yes. Very well.
You may accompany him.
677
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:51,960
Help bring these treacherous shits
to justice.
678
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,480
You can count on me, sir.
679
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:55,960
They'll get their just deserts
as deserters.
680
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:59,960
The deserters
will get their deserts, sir.
681
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,960
And let's find whichever barbarian
pig fucker stole the eagle
682
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,960
and raze their village
to the ground.
683
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,960
And our dead soldiers, sir?
Yes, of course.
684
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:13,960
Give them a dignified funeral.
But do start with the eagle.
685
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,000
Oh, it's chuffing chilly up north,
in't it?
686
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:25,960
Yeah, on reflection, dumping
our uniform wasn't the best idea.
687
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,960
Hold tight, boys. We'll soon feel
the Roman sun on our backs.
688
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:31,960
In the meantime, we could put on
these uniforms down by this tree.
689
00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:33,960
Those are our uniforms.
Even better, then.
690
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,160
No. Much worse!
691
00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:38,960
It means we've been walking
in a massive circle all day.
692
00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:40,960
But I was following the river
and water always goes south.
693
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:44,160
Well, it goes down, yeah.
Yeah, exactly. The same thing.
694
00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:47,960
Is down the same as south?
No, it isn't.
695
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:49,960
Yes. What? Is it? Huh?
696
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:53,480
Sorry, Jason.
What exactly did your dad teach you
697
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:54,640
on these camping trips?
698
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:55,960
Well, I was on his shoulders
most of the time,
699
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:57,960
so I couldn't always hear
what he was saying
700
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,960
and, to be fair, we mainly camped
in the garden, so...
701
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,800
OK. So, you never got lost
in the garden?
702
00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:04,960
Well, no. That's it. Never.
703
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,960
Right. It feels like it's time
for a lunch break.
704
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:08,960
Let's go and hunt down some scran.
705
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:12,320
See, my dad would know
all about that.
706
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,960
Well, I wish we'd brought him
instead. Yeah, big time.
707
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:23,960
So tell me, what are they like,
these deserters?
708
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:25,960
It's good to know
what I'm dealing with.
709
00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:27,960
Oh, they're... they're mean.
710
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:31,480
Mean? As in tough?
711
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:33,960
No. Sorry. Mean as in not very nice.
712
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:37,960
They're rude, basically.
Rude? Huh, now I am scared.
713
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:41,960
Rude how?
Oh, I mean, where do I start?
714
00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:44,960
So, one of them, Marcus,
I met while working as a waterman
715
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,960
at Rome's third largest
grain supply company.
716
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:50,960
He and his buddy, Stylax,
were constantly calling me names,
717
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,960
sneaking stuff into my jug.
Undermining me, basically.
718
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:56,960
Probably payback because
I'd smooched this Breton he fancied.
719
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,640
Not my fault. She couldn't keep
her hands off me. She's only human.
720
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:01,960
Then, when Stylax got squashed
by a slab of marble,
721
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,320
I thought Marcus would go easy.
But then Jason comes in
722
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,960
and, actually, if anything,
things got even worse.
723
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:09,960
And Jason is...?
Another deserter. And total scumbag.
724
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:12,960
No sooner had I met him,
than he's making me hide the corpse
725
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:14,480
of a well-known restaurant critic.
726
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,960
Then he sabotaged me
in the Rome marathon.
727
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:18,960
Made me eat my own poo.
Ruined my career as an escort...
728
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,960
Hold on! You ate your own shit?
729
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:22,960
Yes, because I'd lost a bet,
you see.
730
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:25,000
But he didn't need to make me
go through with it.
731
00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:27,960
This is what I'm talking about.
They're mean guys.
732
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:30,960
And don't even get me started
on the little one.
733
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:32,960
He looks exactly like a mushroom.
734
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,960
He once ate a crab
as though it was a pie.
735
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:37,960
Just picked it up,
like it was a pie.
736
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:40,960
Bit it, hurt his tooth.
Of course he did, it's a crab.
737
00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,960
Hey, I've found an apple.
Sweet. Give it here, then.
738
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:53,960
No, no, stop!
We've got to share it, obviously.
739
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,960
Fine. We'll take bites in turns.
No. No, no, Grumio.
740
00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,800
You'll eat it all in one.
Yeah, we should slice it up evenly.
741
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,960
How? We haven't got a knife?
We've got swords.
742
00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:04,960
Oh, yeah, I forgot about these.
743
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:06,960
Probably should have used it
in the ambush.
744
00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:08,960
Oh, well, too late now.
745
00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:10,960
Stab, don't swipe.
Don't you start with that.
746
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:13,960
HORSE WHINNIES
WHISPERS: Barbarians, get down.
747
00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:18,960
OK, everyone quiet and still.
748
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:24,960
APPLE CRUNCHES
749
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:28,960
What the fuck, Grumio?
750
00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:33,960
I'm starving. I'll take my chances.
Stop it! It's too crunchy.
751
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,960
Fine. I'll lick it like a lolly.
752
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:38,960
Don't do that, it's gross.
753
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,800
OK. All right,
I think they're going.
754
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,480
No thanks to this greedy goon.
755
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:53,640
Oi, look at the size of that bite.
That's well out of order.
756
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,800
Oh, good!
So it's anarchy now, is it?
757
00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:57,960
I wondered how long it would take.
758
00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:02,960
He posed as a child
to win a school boxing competition.
759
00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:03,960
He fingered a lion.
760
00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:07,960
He killed, genuinely killed,
a renowned theatre director.
761
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,000
He took a baby from the bins.
Shut the fuck up a second. Whoa.
762
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:11,960
What, what, what is it?
763
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:20,960
Apple core.
764
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:22,960
Only just starting to brown.
765
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:25,960
They were here not long ago.
What? How do you know it was them?
766
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:28,000
These are strong Roman tooth marks.
767
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,960
Dentistry's not so good around here.
Wow!
768
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,960
This is cool.
You, sir, are very cool.
769
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,960
And, you know, it is so nice
to hang out with someone
770
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:38,960
as intelligent as I am.
771
00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:40,960
Honestly, those thicko losers
could be so annoying.
772
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:44,960
We're not hanging out.
You're just tagging along.
773
00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:46,960
In silence from now on.
774
00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:50,960
If it was up to me,
I'd be working alone, OK?
775
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:53,000
But I haven't even told you
about the time Marcus's dad
776
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:56,320
stabbed me in the shoulder. And I'll
stab you in the fucking neck
777
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,960
if I have to hear another
one of your idiotic stories.
778
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:00,960
Understand me, beardy boy?
779
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:04,960
Beardy MAN.
780
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:21,960
Stupid midges. They don't know
who they're up against.
781
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:23,960
I've actually decided
not to light a fire,
782
00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:26,480
cos it might alert the enemy
to our location.
783
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,480
And also cos you can't?
And that, yeah.
784
00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:30,800
Oh, God, this is a new low.
785
00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,960
This is really not where I thought
I'd be on the brink of turning 30.
786
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:35,960
Oh, come on, it's not so bad.
787
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,960
If you forget about
the whole war thing
788
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:39,960
and the fact that
we're totally lost, it's great.
789
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,800
The three of us, bro-ing down,
having a giggle,
790
00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:46,960
surrounded by nature.
I guess it is pretty peaceful here.
791
00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:49,960
Oh! For fuck's sake, Grumio.
792
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:51,960
You were surrounded by nature.
793
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:53,960
Well, I'm knackered.
I'm gonna crash.
794
00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:55,960
OK. But we need someone
on guard duty at all times.
795
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,960
We sleep in shifts, OK?
796
00:39:57,960 --> 00:39:59,960
Whatever happens,
one of us has to be awake.
797
00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:01,160
Right you are.
No probs.
798
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:17,640
BUGLE PLAYS
799
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:22,640
Wakey-wakey, dirt bags.
That was your morning bugle.
800
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,960
Look at you three, spooning away.
It's quite sweet, actually.
801
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:27,960
Aurelius, what are you doing here?
802
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:29,960
Please say you're not still
following us.
803
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:32,960
Well, I am, yes.
But officially this time.
804
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:34,320
I'm a tracker,
and we're the tracking team.
805
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:38,480
No, we're not. We're not a team,
and he's not a tracker in any way.
806
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,960
But I am. And I'm here
to arrest you for desertion.
807
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,960
You're to be taken back to camp
where you'll be crucified.
808
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:49,480
Best go quietly now.
809
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,960
Morning. Oh, what have I missed?
810
00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:06,960
I can't believe you're
getting us executed, you knob.
811
00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:08,000
I'm not a knob, actually,
812
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:10,800
because I didn't know
that was the punishment.
813
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,000
I thought it would just be
a ticking off or a light flogging.
814
00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:14,960
It still makes you a knob.
Yeah, a complete knob.
815
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:16,160
Stop whining!
816
00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:17,960
If you don't want to die,
don't desert.
817
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:19,960
It's as simple as that.
Great advice (!)
818
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:21,960
We'll bear that in mind
for next time, shall we?
819
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:22,960
I didn't desert, by the way.
820
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:24,960
I were forced into it
by my master here.
821
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:28,960
Ha! OK, so as soon as there's
a price to pay, I'm in charge, am I?
822
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:29,960
I were basically kidnapped.
Of course.
823
00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:31,960
And are you gonna
mention playing dead?
824
00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:34,800
Didn't force you into that, did I?
I fell asleep.
825
00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:36,960
It's not my fault them
barbarians wear such cosy clobber.
826
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:42,960
Shut up, or I'm very happy to bring
the execution forward a few hours.
827
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:45,000
MUSIC: 'You Don't Love Me'
by Dawn Penn
828
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,960
# No, no, no
829
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:55,800
# You don't love me
And I know now
830
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:04,960
# No, no, no
831
00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:13,800
# You don't love me
Yes, I know now. #
832
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:20,960
So, it's grilled badger for lunch.
833
00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:23,640
What? Badger? I'm not eating that.
I'll have his, then.
834
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:25,960
I'd eat a badger's tadger right now,
I'm so hungry.
835
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:27,960
You're so weird.
836
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:29,960
Wait, Aurelius!
837
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:33,480
Relio. Relio Delio.
I'm not gonna help you escape.
838
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:37,000
Please. We're gonna die.
We're all gonna die eventually.
839
00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:38,960
Don't be a dick. Just set us free.
840
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,320
No way! I'll get in big troubs.
841
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:43,960
Not if you come with us.
It'll be an adventure.
842
00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:45,960
The deserter dudes.
Best bros forever!
843
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:49,480
Hm! We weren't exactly best bros
when I wanted to share your tent,
844
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:50,960
as I recall.
845
00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:53,480
Well, yeah, but we couldn't
share with you
846
00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:55,000
cos what if we wanted
to bring girls back?
847
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:56,960
I could have scooched over.
No!
848
00:42:56,960 --> 00:43:00,960
They wouldn't be interested in us
if you were there. Think about it.
849
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:04,480
But the truth is, it's not easy
being mates with you, dude.
850
00:43:04,480 --> 00:43:07,960
Like, having this buff, brainy
legend around all the time,
851
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,960
making us feel like losers.
852
00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:12,960
You can't blame us for wanting to
step out of your shadow sometimes.
853
00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:14,960
It's cold in there, right, guys?
854
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,960
I mean... Completely.
..sure, whatever.
855
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:20,960
God, you must think I'm such a fool,
856
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,960
not seeing how insecure
I was making you feel.
857
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:29,960
Maybe I am buff and brainy, sure,
but I'm also blind and a bad friend.
858
00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:34,960
Well, never again, guys.
You have my word. Best bros forever.
859
00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:37,800
Fuck me, what a bellend.
860
00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:40,160
Oh, can we do this after
we've had the badger?
861
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:43,640
OK, shit! I think he's on to us.
What's going on over there?
862
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:45,960
No, no, nothing. All good.
863
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:46,960
Run!
864
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:50,640
Shit!
865
00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:19,960
CLICKS TONGUE
This way.
866
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,640
Argh!
867
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:31,960
HORSE WHINNIES
868
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:43,960
HORSE WHINNIES
869
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:46,960
Come on!
870
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:04,960
Argh!
871
00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,160
Hey, hey!
872
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,320
Argh! Fucking nettles!
873
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:23,960
Argh!
874
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:35,960
Argh! Oh!
875
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:41,800
Shit!
876
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:45,960
Come on, boys, don't be stupid now.
877
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:48,960
Let's be stupid.
878
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:51,960
No! Aaaargh!
879
00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:56,320
No!
880
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:57,960
Stop!
881
00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:00,960
Aaaaargh!
882
00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:08,640
You won't get away!
883
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:12,640
Wherever you run, wherever you hide,
no matter how long it takes,
884
00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:14,960
the shadow of justice
will haunt you until...
885
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:16,960
Oh, fuck it, they've gone.
886
00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:24,000
PANTING AND GASPING
887
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:32,960
We lost him!
888
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,960
Ha! We bloody lost him,
the dickhead!
889
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,960
And, weirdly,
I don't appear to be dead.
890
00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:41,160
Bonus!
Ha!
891
00:46:41,160 --> 00:46:45,000
Guys, I actually got hit.
Did you? Where?
892
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,160
Whoa!
893
00:46:48,160 --> 00:46:50,960
What is it? Is it bad?
Not ideal!
894
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:53,480
You've got an arrow in your arse!
Argh, argh, argh!
895
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:55,960
Well, pull it out, then!
Oh, God, really?
896
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:56,960
I mean, OK.
897
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:01,960
Don't pick your nose, Grumio.
I'm hungry.
898
00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:02,960
Well, that's even worse.
899
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:04,960
Aurelius,
where's the key to these chains?
900
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:05,960
Maybe in my man bag,
901
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:07,960
if it didn't fall out
in the kerfuffle.
902
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:12,320
All right, here we go.
Brace yourself, yeah?
903
00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:15,000
OK, great. No keys.
But there is a soggy map.
904
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:17,800
Is there?
OK, it's coming!
905
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:18,960
It's coming!
906
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:20,800
SNAP
Ooh!
907
00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:22,960
Is it out, then?
Er...
908
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:25,960
Yeah. Like, most of it.
Most of it? What do you mean?
909
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:27,960
Argh! Argh!
910
00:47:27,960 --> 00:47:31,160
You just pulled out the shaft
and left the head inside my arse!
911
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,960
Ooh-er. Ha!
It's not funny, actually!
912
00:47:33,960 --> 00:47:35,960
I won't get very far
with a skewered buttock.
913
00:47:35,960 --> 00:47:38,960
Luckily, you might not have to,
cos if this is that river,
914
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:42,960
then we're only, like,
a day's walk from the Roman border.
915
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,960
Ah, nice!
See, all rivers do lead south.
916
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:47,960
On this occasion, yes, they do.
Right. Let's crack on.
917
00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:49,960
Ow, ow!
Rome, here we come.
918
00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:54,960
Oh, God! Erm, can we crack on
quite slowly, please?
919
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,480
MUSIC: 'Sun Is Shining
(Dub Version)' by Bob Marley
920
00:47:57,480 --> 00:48:00,960
# The weather is sweet, yeah... #
921
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:04,960
Ah! Ah!
922
00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:09,640
Ah! Oh!
923
00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:11,960
# To the rescue. #
924
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:20,320
Oh, Jove, I can't feel my bum.
Could you feel it before?
925
00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:22,960
Erm, not sure, actually.
926
00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:25,960
Stop going on about your numb bum,
you drama queen. You're fine.
927
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:28,960
Argh! No, no, no. Come on, mate,
we need to keep moving.
928
00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:31,960
I can't do it. I can't go on.
OK, cool.
929
00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:33,960
We'll leave him here,
cos he's dead weight, in't he?
930
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:35,960
That is not an awful idea, actually.
What? No way!
931
00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:38,960
You can't leave me.
We're a team. The deserter dudes.
932
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:40,960
Hey, I didn't desert, I fell asleep.
933
00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:41,960
Best bros forever, you said.
934
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:43,960
Yeah, that's when we
needed your help.
935
00:48:43,960 --> 00:48:45,960
A fair amount's changed since then.
936
00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:49,480
You can't leave me here to be
feasted upon by bears and ants!
937
00:48:49,480 --> 00:48:51,960
He's got a point, hasn't he?
Cos we could always eat him.
938
00:48:51,960 --> 00:48:52,960
Do not eat me!
939
00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:54,960
For one thing, I'd be very tough,
940
00:48:54,960 --> 00:48:57,800
sinewy meat owing to my high
muscle-to-fat ratio.
941
00:48:57,800 --> 00:48:59,960
Look, why don't Grumio
and I go for help
942
00:48:59,960 --> 00:49:01,160
while you stay with Aurelius?
943
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:04,960
Holy Jove,
why have you forsaken me?!
944
00:49:04,960 --> 00:49:08,960
Right. Or I go for help
and you two stay with him.
945
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,000
I'm not staying here with that twat.
What are you talking about?
946
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:13,800
Just coming up with a plan, bro!
OK, right.
947
00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:16,960
Let's do papyrus, scissors, stone,
and the loser has to stay.
948
00:49:16,960 --> 00:49:18,960
You don't need to play,
we come as a two.
949
00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:20,960
I'll play for us, then.
Scissors always wins.
950
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:22,960
And that fundamental
misunderstanding of the game
951
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:24,960
is exactly why
I'll be playing for us.
952
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:26,960
I think I'm dying, guys.
953
00:49:26,960 --> 00:49:29,800
Right, here we go.
BOTH: Papyrus, scissors, stone.
954
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:33,960
Scissors! Ha! Bash, bash, bash.
Never listen to Grumio, you moron.
955
00:49:33,960 --> 00:49:37,160
Hang in there, Aurelius.
Jason will look after you. OK.
956
00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:40,960
Jason, will you sing to me,
please, bud?
957
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:42,960
Don't be long, all right?
958
00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:44,960
Jason?
Yeah, I'm coming.
959
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:05,960
I mean, can humans eat plants?
960
00:50:05,960 --> 00:50:07,960
What? Yeah, of course they can.
961
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:09,320
Oh, fine then.
962
00:50:09,320 --> 00:50:12,960
Not ANY plants.
I meant spinach, for example.
963
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:13,960
You can't just eat that!
964
00:50:13,960 --> 00:50:16,960
The old nature,
you confusing bastard.
965
00:50:16,960 --> 00:50:18,960
Can we keep going, please,
and not get distracted?
966
00:50:18,960 --> 00:50:21,160
Shit! It's a chicken.
967
00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:23,480
What? Where?
There.
968
00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:24,960
Right, I'm having you, lad.
969
00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:27,960
And then what? We can't cook it.
I'll have it raw, then.
970
00:50:27,960 --> 00:50:29,960
I only joined the army
for the free chicken anyway.
971
00:50:29,960 --> 00:50:31,960
We're meant to be getting help.
972
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:34,960
Do not come between me and
a chicken, Marcus, I am warning you.
973
00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:38,960
Oh, go on, then. Be quick.
974
00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:43,000
One quick grabaroo
and it is teatime-for-me-time.
975
00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:46,960
Make that two quick grabaroos.
976
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:51,640
CHICKEN CLUCKS
977
00:50:54,960 --> 00:50:56,960
Right. Well, that's at least 30.
978
00:50:56,960 --> 00:50:59,960
Three more grabaroos
and we're giving up, OK?
979
00:50:59,960 --> 00:51:01,960
Fine, just don't rush me.
980
00:51:05,960 --> 00:51:07,960
One.
981
00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:10,960
Two.
982
00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:12,960
Last one, right?
983
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:14,960
I know. Just shh!
984
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:18,480
Come on, son. This is the one.
985
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:19,960
Argh!
986
00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:21,800
Oh, yes!
987
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:24,960
Ha-ha!
I've got it!
988
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:25,960
Oh, by Jove, you did it!
989
00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:27,480
Yes! Ha!
990
00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:30,160
# I got the chicken
I got the chicken
991
00:51:30,160 --> 00:51:32,960
# I got the chicken
He got the chicken
992
00:51:32,960 --> 00:51:34,960
# I got... #
993
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:37,960
SINISTER MUSIC
994
00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:40,960
He got the chicken.
995
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:53,960
# How happy is the shepherd
996
00:51:53,960 --> 00:51:56,960
# Who settles down to sleep
997
00:51:56,960 --> 00:51:59,960
# Because he is so knackered
998
00:51:59,960 --> 00:52:01,960
# From fucking all the sheep... #
999
00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,960
What? No, no,
I don't want the rude version.
1000
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:04,960
I only know the rude version.
1001
00:52:04,960 --> 00:52:08,960
That's not exactly gonna soothe me,
is it? Thinking about bestiality.
1002
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:10,000
How's my bum looking?
1003
00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:13,800
Ah!
1004
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:16,960
OK, don't panic.
All right, it's probably nothing.
1005
00:52:16,960 --> 00:52:18,960
But it's gone a bit green.
Green?!
1006
00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:21,960
Yeah. How's that nothing?!
Bums shouldn't be green.
1007
00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:23,960
Oh, it must be infected.
What did I say? Don't panic.
1008
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:25,960
The boys will be back in a bit,
all right? Shushy bears.
1009
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:27,960
They won't! They've left us!
1010
00:52:27,960 --> 00:52:29,960
We're all alone and green.
1011
00:52:29,960 --> 00:52:32,000
# He wakes up in the morning... #
1012
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:33,960
Kiss me.
Whoa! What?
1013
00:52:33,960 --> 00:52:35,960
Please kiss me.
1014
00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:37,960
I just want to feel some human
tenderness before I die.
1015
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:40,320
No! Right, and not just
because I don't want to,
1016
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:41,960
but cos you are not gonna die.
1017
00:52:41,960 --> 00:52:43,960
Right, no-one dies from green bums.
Of course they do!
1018
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:45,960
Bum rot. I've got bum rot.
1019
00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:50,480
Look, tell my family
that they were proud of me.
1020
00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:51,960
What?
Actually, no.
1021
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:53,800
Tell them to never
look under my bed.
1022
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:55,960
You tell them yourself
when you get back to Rome, OK?
1023
00:52:55,960 --> 00:52:56,960
What's under your bed?
1024
00:52:56,960 --> 00:52:59,960
Oh, you're a good bud, buddy,
but it's too late.
1025
00:52:59,960 --> 00:53:02,640
I can feel death's
icy grip on my arse.
1026
00:53:02,640 --> 00:53:05,960
No. No! No, you don't!
1027
00:53:05,960 --> 00:53:09,960
Marcus! Grumio!
Come on. Where are you?!
1028
00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:11,960
AURELIUS GROANS
1029
00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:14,960
Right, come on.
1030
00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:18,000
Ooh, what are you doing?
Saving your fucking life, boy.
1031
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:19,960
Argh!
1032
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,960
Oi, you, Roman scum!
1033
00:53:35,960 --> 00:53:37,000
Jog on, you little shite.
1034
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:38,960
At least don't make it
worse for ourselves.
1035
00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:40,960
Nah, it's just banter.
1036
00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:43,960
OK, that's FAIRLY intense banter.
1037
00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:54,960
Argh! Just kill me.
1038
00:53:54,960 --> 00:53:56,960
Please, just put me
out of my misery.
1039
00:53:56,960 --> 00:53:59,640
I'd rather not, mate.
I'm not even sure I'd know how to.
1040
00:53:59,640 --> 00:54:01,960
Just push me off of something tall
1041
00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:03,960
or sit on my face
to block my airways.
1042
00:54:03,960 --> 00:54:05,960
Couldn't I just use my hands?
1043
00:54:07,960 --> 00:54:08,960
Yes, you could, actually.
1044
00:54:08,960 --> 00:54:11,320
I don't know why I suggested
the sitting method.
1045
00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:12,960
I think I must be delirious.
1046
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:14,960
Ooh, argh!
1047
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:16,960
Urgh!
1048
00:54:16,960 --> 00:54:19,960
I can hear my mother
calling me to dinner.
1049
00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:21,960
I'm coming, Mummy.
1050
00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:24,960
I can smell the wood
burning on the stove.
1051
00:54:24,960 --> 00:54:26,640
Hang on, so can I.
1052
00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:29,960
Look, there!
1053
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:30,960
Huh?
1054
00:54:31,960 --> 00:54:36,960
GRUNTING AND PANTING
1055
00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:39,960
Oh, oh! Get in!
Argh! We're saved!
1056
00:54:39,960 --> 00:54:43,800
Well, unless they're Roman-hating
savages who want to kill us.
1057
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:46,000
Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot about that.
1058
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:48,160
OK, you're on your own.
1059
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,960
Argh!
Good luck.
1060
00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:52,800
Argh! You bastard!
1061
00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:53,960
WOMAN: Hello?
Argh!
1062
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:56,960
Man. There is a man.
1063
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:58,960
He needs help.
1064
00:54:58,960 --> 00:55:00,320
Ursula, fetch water.
1065
00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:02,960
Cleo, Amara, Xanthe,
help me take him inside.
1066
00:55:05,960 --> 00:55:07,960
Hi. Sorry,
there's actually two men.
1067
00:55:07,960 --> 00:55:09,960
I also need help.
1068
00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:12,480
Ha. Hi.
1069
00:55:16,960 --> 00:55:18,960
Hey! Come off it!
1070
00:55:19,960 --> 00:55:23,800
So, first of all, hello.
1071
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:25,960
Or, as you might say, salve.
1072
00:55:25,960 --> 00:55:26,960
All right.
Hello.
1073
00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:28,960
My name is Segimundus.
1074
00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:32,960
I am spokesman
of the Carpi Council of Elders
1075
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:35,960
and I presume from your uniforms
and proximity to our gates
1076
00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:40,960
that you are Roman spies sent out to
rescue your precious bird, no doubt.
1077
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:42,320
My eagle!
1078
00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:43,960
Give me back me eagle at once!
1079
00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:45,960
And my chicken an' all,
while you're at it.
1080
00:55:45,960 --> 00:55:48,320
Grumio, don't. We couldn't
care less about the eagle.
1081
00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:50,480
We're not even Roman soldiers,
really.
1082
00:55:50,480 --> 00:55:51,960
No, so what is this, then?
1083
00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:53,960
Are you on your way
to a fancy dress party, perhaps?
1084
00:55:53,960 --> 00:55:55,960
CROWD CHUCKLES
1085
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:56,960
Ha! No, no.
1086
00:55:56,960 --> 00:55:59,960
We were soldiers, obviously,
but we're not now, is my point.
1087
00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:01,960
We deserted, you see.
I didn't. I fell asleep.
1088
00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:04,960
Yeah, just let me do the talking.
We didn't want to join this war.
1089
00:56:04,960 --> 00:56:07,320
I did, to give your lot a spanking
for invading our empire.
1090
00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:08,480
Grumio, just shut up!
1091
00:56:08,480 --> 00:56:10,960
There was no invasion.
That was fake news.
1092
00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:12,960
A pretext for you
to steal our bauxite.
1093
00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:15,320
Bauxite? What the fuck is bauxite?
1094
00:56:15,320 --> 00:56:17,960
I think it's a naturally occurring,
I want to say, metal?
1095
00:56:17,960 --> 00:56:20,960
It is a sedimentary rock
with high aluminium content.
1096
00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:23,960
We have a number of large
and very valuable quarries
1097
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:26,960
that you people have lusted
after for some time now.
1098
00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:28,960
That does make sense.
I always thought there was
1099
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:30,960
some shady mercenary motive
behind all this.
1100
00:56:30,960 --> 00:56:33,640
Romans are far sneakier
than barbarians, in my opinion.
1101
00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:37,000
Ahem! Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.
We do not like the term "barbarian".
1102
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:40,960
It's a reductive label
which homogenises an array
1103
00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:43,960
of diverse communities
and their unique identities.
1104
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:46,800
We call ourselves the Carpi tribe.
1105
00:56:46,800 --> 00:56:48,160
Yes, of course. I'm so sorry.
1106
00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:49,960
I'm so sorry for being
so insensitive.
1107
00:56:49,960 --> 00:56:52,800
Not at all. No, think of this
as a teachable moment.
1108
00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:55,640
I will. Cross-cultural exchange
is fundamental to progress.
1109
00:56:55,640 --> 00:56:57,960
We don't learn anything
if we live in a bubble. Indeed.
1110
00:56:57,960 --> 00:57:00,960
And so that we can share this
knowledge with our countrymen,
1111
00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:03,960
we'd love to be on our way.
Yes, I'm sure you would.
1112
00:57:03,960 --> 00:57:07,960
But there's also one little thing
you should learn about the Carpi.
1113
00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:09,960
It's what we do to our captives.
1114
00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:12,960
Oh, aye, yeah. What do you do?
Do you take them for a tour?
1115
00:57:12,960 --> 00:57:16,640
No, we disembowel them in honour
of our great god Zalmoxis.
1116
00:57:16,640 --> 00:57:17,960
Oh, shit.
Right.
1117
00:57:17,960 --> 00:57:19,960
The ceremony will take
place tomorrow evening
1118
00:57:19,960 --> 00:57:21,960
before the entire village.
1119
00:57:21,960 --> 00:57:24,640
CHEERING
1120
00:57:26,960 --> 00:57:28,960
AURELIUS GROANS
1121
00:57:28,960 --> 00:57:30,960
Apparently, the arrow went very deep
1122
00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:32,960
because his bottom
is so soft and womanly.
1123
00:57:32,960 --> 00:57:36,640
Yeah, totally. Not like mine.
My buns are rock hard.
1124
00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:38,960
Arrow would have just pinged off,
probably.
1125
00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:41,960
He may stay until he recovers.
Cool.
1126
00:57:41,960 --> 00:57:43,960
All right. And what about...?
You may not. Yep.
1127
00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:46,960
Aside from emergencies,
there are no men in the village.
1128
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:49,960
Oh, really? I didn't...
I didn't even notice that.
1129
00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:51,160
What's that about, then?
1130
00:57:51,160 --> 00:57:54,160
Our menfolk all left to fight
another tribe some years ago
1131
00:57:54,160 --> 00:57:56,000
and never returned.
1132
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:59,960
No! That's... so sad.
1133
00:57:59,960 --> 00:58:03,480
HE GROANS
It was sad, but we adapted.
1134
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:07,160
We trade spices with our neighbours.
We are skilled in combat.
1135
00:58:07,160 --> 00:58:10,960
We no longer need men.
Come on!
1136
00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:13,480
I'm sure you need a bloke
sometimes to, like, you know,
1137
00:58:13,480 --> 00:58:15,960
open a jar or, like,
get something from a higher shelf,
1138
00:58:15,960 --> 00:58:16,960
you know, like a jar,
1139
00:58:16,960 --> 00:58:18,960
or to put the shelf up
to put the jars on.
1140
00:58:18,960 --> 00:58:22,960
Amazingly, we handle all
jar-related tasks ourselves.
1141
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:24,960
OK.
1142
00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,960
I guess it's another night
in the forest for me, then.
1143
00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:29,960
I hope the wolves
have had their tea.
1144
00:58:32,960 --> 00:58:35,960
We do have one other use for men.
1145
00:58:35,960 --> 00:58:36,960
Oh?
1146
00:58:36,960 --> 00:58:42,960
Occasionally,
we may keep one as a... concubine.
1147
00:58:42,960 --> 00:58:45,960
A what? Concubine?
What's that, like a hedgehog?
1148
00:58:45,960 --> 00:58:47,960
Not quite, no.
1149
00:58:49,960 --> 00:58:51,960
Ah! Ah!
1150
00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:57,160
I'm Jason, by the way.
Silence!
1151
00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:58,800
You have no name now.
1152
00:58:58,800 --> 00:59:00,960
You are here for sexual congress,
Roman, THAT'S all!
1153
00:59:00,960 --> 00:59:03,000
OK, cool. I can do that.
1154
00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:07,960
Oh, that's better. Thank you.
1155
00:59:07,960 --> 00:59:09,960
Now tie them to the post, please,
Dromichaetes.
1156
00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:12,960
OK, great.
Just to be safe.
1157
00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:15,160
So that you don't... sneak off.
1158
00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:17,960
How is that? Not too tight, I hope.
1159
00:59:17,960 --> 00:59:20,960
No, no. You're grand.
It's a nice, soft rope, actually.
1160
00:59:20,960 --> 00:59:21,960
Yes, it's made from angora wool.
1161
00:59:21,960 --> 00:59:25,960
We Carpi are famous for our
civilised treatment of prisoners.
1162
00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:28,000
Yeah. You ARE disembowelling us.
1163
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:29,960
Yes, BEFORE execution, I mean.
1164
00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:31,960
Yes, it's enshrined
in our constitution
1165
00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:33,960
that we offer our captives
1166
00:59:33,960 --> 00:59:36,960
a final meal of their choosing,
for example.
1167
00:59:36,960 --> 00:59:38,960
Oh, aye? How many courses?
1168
00:59:38,960 --> 00:59:41,960
One.
One? Call yourselves civilised?
1169
00:59:41,960 --> 00:59:44,960
May I take your order? Well, it
doesn't really matter, does it?
1170
00:59:44,960 --> 00:59:47,960
I'm not gonna get to digest it.
Just... give me an egg sandwich.
1171
00:59:47,960 --> 00:59:50,000
Is that on white, brown or seeded?
1172
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:52,160
Brown's fine.
1173
00:59:53,160 --> 00:59:55,960
I'll take a lobster bisque.
Of course you will.
1174
00:59:55,960 --> 00:59:57,960
I'm going out in style, son.
Very well.
1175
00:59:57,960 --> 01:00:02,320
One egg sandwich on brown
and one lobster... bisque.
1176
01:00:04,960 --> 01:00:07,160
I'll speak to the chef,
and you prepare the altar.
1177
01:00:07,160 --> 01:00:12,000
Egg sandwich on brown bread
for your final meal?
1178
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,960
When they open up them bowels,
1179
01:00:13,960 --> 01:00:15,960
they should be seeing
more than some shitty sandwich.
1180
01:00:15,960 --> 01:00:19,480
Unlike you, Grumio, I've got more
on my mind than just food right now.
1181
01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:21,000
In fact,
it was you chasing that chicken
1182
01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:23,960
that got us in this fucking mess.
You didn't have to come with me.
1183
01:00:23,960 --> 01:00:26,960
We were chained together!
You dragged me along,
1184
01:00:26,960 --> 01:00:29,160
which pretty much sums up
our entire relationship.
1185
01:00:29,160 --> 01:00:31,480
I know. You've been
holding me back for years.
1186
01:00:31,480 --> 01:00:33,960
What? Holding you back?!
It's not about you, Grumio.
1187
01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:36,000
You're MY slave.
Don't remind me!
1188
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,320
I wish I weren't.
I'd have ditched you yonks ago.
1189
01:00:38,320 --> 01:00:41,800
And I wish my parents had left you
on that bloody hillside. Yeah?
1190
01:00:41,800 --> 01:00:42,960
You and me both!
1191
01:00:45,960 --> 01:00:47,960
Ordinarily,
I would storm off at this point,
1192
01:00:47,960 --> 01:00:50,960
but being as I can't,
I am going to sit down.
1193
01:00:59,960 --> 01:01:00,960
Aw...
KIDS LAUGH
1194
01:01:00,960 --> 01:01:02,960
Yeah! Roman scum!
1195
01:01:02,960 --> 01:01:04,960
LAUGHTER
1196
01:01:05,960 --> 01:01:07,960
COCKEREL CROWS
1197
01:01:15,960 --> 01:01:17,960
Hi.
Hi.
1198
01:01:20,960 --> 01:01:22,960
Hi.
1199
01:01:24,480 --> 01:01:26,960
Hi!
1200
01:01:30,960 --> 01:01:32,960
Mm. Thank you.
1201
01:01:32,960 --> 01:01:34,960
Knock, knock.
How's the patient doing?
1202
01:01:34,960 --> 01:01:36,000
Much better, thank you.
1203
01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:39,320
Really? Are you sure?
You still look well peaky.
1204
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:40,960
What?
No, I'm ready and raring, mate.
1205
01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:43,320
Nah, look, listen. You rest up
just a few more days, right?
1206
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:44,960
Don't wanna risk
getting another green bum.
1207
01:01:44,960 --> 01:01:48,960
But we need to go and find Marcus
and Grumio. Our best bros, forever.
1208
01:01:48,960 --> 01:01:52,960
Mm, do we, though? I mean, they're
probably fine. They're handy guys.
1209
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,960
You just don't wanna leave cos
we've found a tribe full of women.
1210
01:01:55,960 --> 01:01:58,320
But I...
1211
01:01:58,320 --> 01:01:59,960
Well, yes. Yeah.
Obviously.
1212
01:01:59,960 --> 01:02:02,960
But this is, like,
our dream situation.
1213
01:02:02,960 --> 01:02:04,960
Not really. None of them fancy me.
Oh, come on...
1214
01:02:04,960 --> 01:02:07,160
One of 'em will. A bit. Maybe.
1215
01:02:07,160 --> 01:02:08,960
There's, like, 50 of them.
1216
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:10,000
That's not enough.
1217
01:02:10,000 --> 01:02:12,960
The odds are still
stacked against me. I need more.
1218
01:02:12,960 --> 01:02:14,960
What about the old one?
I've not met an old one.
1219
01:02:14,960 --> 01:02:16,960
That's cos
you've been cooped up in here.
1220
01:02:16,960 --> 01:02:18,320
You need to get out there,
make an effort.
1221
01:02:18,320 --> 01:02:19,960
You are the second hottest guy
in this village.
1222
01:02:19,960 --> 01:02:21,960
Work it.
1223
01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:30,960
Hello again.
1224
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:34,960
So, I talked to the chef,
and, er, he can't get you lobster,
1225
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:35,960
because it's Sunday,
1226
01:02:35,960 --> 01:02:39,960
and as we are in the heat of July,
he likes the seafood to be fresh.
1227
01:02:39,960 --> 01:02:41,960
As do I. I'm happy to wait.
1228
01:02:41,960 --> 01:02:43,960
Yes, but we are not, I'm afraid.
1229
01:02:43,960 --> 01:02:46,960
The sacrifice is this evening, so
you have to choose something else.
1230
01:02:46,960 --> 01:02:48,960
I've already chosen the bisque.
1231
01:02:48,960 --> 01:02:50,960
The chef does
an excellent confit duck.
1232
01:02:50,960 --> 01:02:52,960
Oh, I don't give a shit, mate.
1233
01:02:52,960 --> 01:02:55,960
My lobster bisque is enshrined
in your constitution, you said.
1234
01:02:55,960 --> 01:02:58,000
Or are you Carpi
not civilised after all?
1235
01:02:59,800 --> 01:03:01,960
Er, which Sunday in July is it,
out of interest?
1236
01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:03,960
It is the 21st. Why do you ask?
1237
01:03:03,960 --> 01:03:06,960
My birthday's the 22nd.
Ah. I'm, er...
1238
01:03:06,960 --> 01:03:08,160
gonna be 30 tomorrow.
1239
01:03:08,160 --> 01:03:09,960
Oh, many happy returns.
Thanks.
1240
01:03:09,960 --> 01:03:11,480
But I'm afraid you won't.
1241
01:03:11,480 --> 01:03:13,960
The chef has no problem
with your egg sandwich,
1242
01:03:13,960 --> 01:03:16,800
and you will still be sacrificed
this evening.
1243
01:03:16,800 --> 01:03:18,800
Come on, mate.
He'll have the bisque as well.
1244
01:03:18,800 --> 01:03:22,640
He's changed his mind, haven't you?
Yes, I have. Thank you.
1245
01:03:22,640 --> 01:03:25,960
On reflection, I'd also
like to go out in style.
1246
01:03:26,960 --> 01:03:28,960
Fine!
1247
01:03:28,960 --> 01:03:30,640
You have one more day.
1248
01:03:31,960 --> 01:03:36,800
Ha! Bloody hell,
I can't believe that worked.
1249
01:03:36,800 --> 01:03:38,960
Cheers, Grumio. I guess your
lifelong obsession with food
1250
01:03:38,960 --> 01:03:39,960
does have its uses after all.
1251
01:03:39,960 --> 01:03:42,960
Well, let's just try
and give you a birthday to remember.
1252
01:03:42,960 --> 01:03:44,640
Oh, incoming!
Hm? Argh!
1253
01:03:44,640 --> 01:03:46,960
Ha-ha! Missed me!
1254
01:03:46,960 --> 01:03:47,960
In your face, fuckhead.
1255
01:03:47,960 --> 01:03:50,960
You barbarian bastards!
Ha-ha!
1256
01:03:50,960 --> 01:03:52,960
Ha-ha!
1257
01:03:54,960 --> 01:03:56,960
BOTH GRUNT
IN SATISFACTION
1258
01:03:59,960 --> 01:04:01,960
Um...
1259
01:04:01,960 --> 01:04:05,960
Now that I've, er,
performed my duty, my lady,
1260
01:04:05,960 --> 01:04:09,800
do you want me to F off, as per,
or...?
1261
01:04:09,800 --> 01:04:10,960
No.
No?
1262
01:04:10,960 --> 01:04:13,960
You can stay this time, Jason.
1263
01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:15,800
I wish to hold you for a while.
1264
01:04:15,800 --> 01:04:18,960
What, like a cuddle?
No, nothing like a cuddle. Just...
1265
01:04:18,960 --> 01:04:20,960
a hold.
Oh, OK.
1266
01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:22,960
Got it.
1267
01:04:22,960 --> 01:04:24,960
Did you just call me Jason?
Yeah, I did. What of it?
1268
01:04:25,960 --> 01:04:29,160
You may call me Barbronelda,
if you wish.
1269
01:04:29,160 --> 01:04:31,960
OK, sure. Yeah.
1270
01:04:31,960 --> 01:04:33,960
Barbro...
It's a bit of a mouthful, innit?
1271
01:04:33,960 --> 01:04:36,320
It's beautiful, don't get me wrong,
but...
1272
01:04:36,320 --> 01:04:40,480
what if I shortened it to Barbie?
Or Babs?
1273
01:04:40,480 --> 01:04:41,960
No, not Barbie.
Mm.
1274
01:04:43,480 --> 01:04:45,960
But I don't hate Babs.
1275
01:04:45,960 --> 01:04:47,960
Give us a cuddle, then, Babs.
1276
01:04:47,960 --> 01:04:50,800
Hm!
1277
01:04:50,800 --> 01:04:52,320
Ahem.
1278
01:04:52,320 --> 01:04:54,960
Back in your corner, Roman!
1279
01:04:54,960 --> 01:04:55,960
Yes, boss.
1280
01:04:55,960 --> 01:04:59,960
News, my lady,
which may concern your concubine.
1281
01:04:59,960 --> 01:05:02,960
Whilst selling pepper to the Carpi,
we saw two Roman prisoners.
1282
01:05:03,960 --> 01:05:05,960
They're being prepared
for sacrifice.
1283
01:05:05,960 --> 01:05:07,960
What did they look like?
1284
01:05:07,960 --> 01:05:10,800
One had a big nose,
1285
01:05:10,800 --> 01:05:14,160
and the other resembled
a tiny button mushroom.
1286
01:05:20,800 --> 01:05:22,960
I actually play the bugle
and the lute,
1287
01:05:22,960 --> 01:05:25,960
so I'm highly skilled
with my fingers and my tongue,
1288
01:05:25,960 --> 01:05:27,960
if you know what I'm saying.
SHE CHUCKLES
1289
01:05:27,960 --> 01:05:28,960
Aurelius!
You do?
1290
01:05:28,960 --> 01:05:31,960
I love the feathers, by the way...
Aurelius!
1291
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:33,960
Come here.
Sorry, one second, babe. What?
1292
01:05:33,960 --> 01:05:35,960
Marcus and Grumio
have been taken prisoner.
1293
01:05:35,960 --> 01:05:37,160
Like, we need to bust a move.
1294
01:05:37,160 --> 01:05:39,960
I mean, do we, though?
What?
1295
01:05:39,960 --> 01:05:40,960
Well, they're handy guys.
And, you know,
1296
01:05:40,960 --> 01:05:43,320
you were right, actually.
My bum's still not 100%,
1297
01:05:43,320 --> 01:05:44,960
so I should probably just stay here.
1298
01:05:44,960 --> 01:05:47,960
Oh, you're getting some heat
off the old dear, are you?
1299
01:05:47,960 --> 01:05:50,960
Her name's Zena, and yes, I am.
Major heat.
1300
01:05:50,960 --> 01:05:51,960
I can't leave now.
1301
01:05:51,960 --> 01:05:54,960
But, mate, they'll be gutted, right?
And I don't just mean disappointed.
1302
01:05:54,960 --> 01:05:56,960
I mean, actually gutted.
Like, in the guts.
1303
01:05:56,960 --> 01:05:59,640
Come on, Aurelius, they need us.
1304
01:05:59,640 --> 01:06:01,960
Grr! Cock-blocking, again!
1305
01:06:01,960 --> 01:06:02,960
HE SIGHS
1306
01:06:02,960 --> 01:06:04,960
Fine. She'd only have humped me
and dumped me.
1307
01:06:04,960 --> 01:06:07,960
Yeah, definitely.
Right, come on, let's get tooled up.
1308
01:06:35,800 --> 01:06:36,960
Oh, mate, the beard's got to go.
1309
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:39,160
No can do, bro.
It's the source of my strength.
1310
01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:40,640
Our secret weapon.
1311
01:06:40,640 --> 01:06:42,960
All right. Well, in that case,
keep it a secret,
1312
01:06:42,960 --> 01:06:44,480
all right?
All right.
1313
01:06:45,960 --> 01:06:46,960
Good luck, Roman.
1314
01:06:46,960 --> 01:06:48,960
Oh, thank you.
1315
01:06:48,960 --> 01:06:52,960
And, like, thanks for having me.
In every sense.
1316
01:06:53,960 --> 01:06:55,960
I'll miss you, Babs.
1317
01:06:55,960 --> 01:06:57,960
As will I.
1318
01:06:57,960 --> 01:07:02,960
Your enthusiasm for the work
was... admirable.
1319
01:07:02,960 --> 01:07:04,960
Well, look, it was my pleasure.
1320
01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:07,960
It was the best job I've ever had,
honestly.
1321
01:07:14,960 --> 01:07:16,000
Take care, now.
1322
01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:17,960
OK, yeah.
1323
01:07:19,960 --> 01:07:20,960
Bye, then.
1324
01:07:34,480 --> 01:07:38,960
# Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
1325
01:07:38,960 --> 01:07:42,160
# Happy birthday, Marcu-u-u-u-s
1326
01:07:42,160 --> 01:07:43,960
# Happy birthday. #
Indeed.
1327
01:07:43,960 --> 01:07:45,960
Happy birthday to you,
1328
01:07:45,960 --> 01:07:49,960
and also,
happy death day to you both.
1329
01:07:49,960 --> 01:07:51,480
Ah, ah, ah -
1330
01:07:51,480 --> 01:07:52,960
hang on, mate.
1331
01:07:52,960 --> 01:07:55,960
Where's the tarragon? You can't
have a bisque without tarragon.
1332
01:07:55,960 --> 01:07:58,480
That IS savage. He is right.
You'll have to kill us tomorrow.
1333
01:07:58,480 --> 01:08:03,960
No! No tarragon, no more stalling.
You eat, then you die.
1334
01:08:06,160 --> 01:08:07,960
Oh, oh...
1335
01:08:07,960 --> 01:08:11,960
tarragon or not,
this chef has played a blinder. Mmm!
1336
01:08:14,320 --> 01:08:15,960
We should probably eat a bit slower,
though.
1337
01:08:15,960 --> 01:08:18,640
The sooner we finish,
the sooner we die, remember?
1338
01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:21,960
I'll try, Marcus,
but it's so bloody tasty.
1339
01:08:26,960 --> 01:08:30,160
You know, even though
we are being executed later,
1340
01:08:30,160 --> 01:08:31,960
I've had way worse birthdays
than this.
1341
01:08:31,960 --> 01:08:35,160
Tell me about it. Remember when your
parents got you that creepy clown?
1342
01:08:35,160 --> 01:08:37,960
How could I not?
I sat on his lap for three hours.
1343
01:08:37,960 --> 01:08:39,960
GRUMIO LAUGHS
1344
01:08:39,960 --> 01:08:41,960
Grumio, please slow down.
1345
01:08:41,960 --> 01:08:44,960
Oh, fuck me, this is torture!
1346
01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:58,160
Stop!
1347
01:09:03,960 --> 01:09:06,960
Hi. Hi.
Can we come in, please?
1348
01:09:08,960 --> 01:09:10,160
What's in the cart?
1349
01:09:10,160 --> 01:09:13,800
Oh, just a bit of pepper, handsome.
1350
01:09:13,800 --> 01:09:16,960
We could all use some spice
in our lives, eh?
1351
01:09:23,960 --> 01:09:26,640
OK, you can go in.
1352
01:09:26,640 --> 01:09:29,960
Where the fuck did that come from?
I don't know. I have no idea.
1353
01:09:40,160 --> 01:09:42,960
Wh-Whoa, hang on.
You can't just leave it like that.
1354
01:09:42,960 --> 01:09:44,960
That's terrible parking.
Mate, we're women.
1355
01:09:44,960 --> 01:09:46,960
Think about it.
Oh, yes. Clever.
1356
01:09:46,960 --> 01:09:49,320
I mean, deeply sexist, but still...
1357
01:09:49,320 --> 01:09:52,640
OK, right, we'll have a nosy round,
find out where they're holding them,
1358
01:09:52,640 --> 01:09:55,960
and then we'll come back
for the blades.
1359
01:09:55,960 --> 01:09:57,800
Stop!
1360
01:09:59,800 --> 01:10:00,960
I want to buy some pepper.
1361
01:10:00,960 --> 01:10:03,960
Oh! Yeah, course.
1362
01:10:03,960 --> 01:10:06,320
Yeah, so, how much for one sack,
please?
1363
01:10:06,320 --> 01:10:08,960
Erm, well,
how much do you usually pay?
1364
01:10:08,960 --> 01:10:11,960
Oh, sometimes six gulden.
You know, sometimes seven.
1365
01:10:11,960 --> 01:10:13,960
Six gulden is fine.
Ah, great.
1366
01:10:13,960 --> 01:10:17,320
Oh... Can you girls break a 20?
1367
01:10:17,320 --> 01:10:19,960
Er, I'll tell you what,
you can have it for free.
1368
01:10:19,960 --> 01:10:21,960
We're doing a little promotion.
No, really? Yes.
1369
01:10:21,960 --> 01:10:24,000
Thank you. Generous and beautiful.
1370
01:10:24,000 --> 01:10:25,960
What next?
Stop it!
1371
01:10:25,960 --> 01:10:28,960
Charmer. Oh, no, no, no.
Come here, I'll help.
1372
01:10:28,960 --> 01:10:30,960
I can't... No, I can't have a lady
hauling a heavy sack for me.
1373
01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:32,960
It's fine. You're quite old.
1374
01:10:32,960 --> 01:10:34,960
No, no. Really, I insist.
Mate, let go!
1375
01:10:34,960 --> 01:10:36,960
HE COUGHS
1376
01:10:38,960 --> 01:10:40,960
Why is your cart full of swords?
1377
01:10:40,960 --> 01:10:41,960
HE SNEEZES
1378
01:10:41,960 --> 01:10:43,960
Oh! Guards!
1379
01:10:43,960 --> 01:10:45,960
Guards!
Aurelius, we're on!
1380
01:10:45,960 --> 01:10:48,960
Ah... Hang on a sec,
I need to sneeze...
1381
01:10:48,960 --> 01:10:52,960
Ah, forget it.
HE SNEEZES
1382
01:10:52,960 --> 01:10:55,960
Hey, mate, have you got any bread
to mop up the dregs?
1383
01:10:55,960 --> 01:10:59,000
No. Your meal is over
and you will now be sacrificed,
1384
01:10:59,000 --> 01:11:00,960
along with these two.
1385
01:11:00,960 --> 01:11:02,640
Oh, God, really?
All right, boys?
1386
01:11:02,640 --> 01:11:05,960
All right, Jase? It's not so bad.
You get to choose your last meal.
1387
01:11:05,960 --> 01:11:08,960
No, no. That rule was removed
from our constitution.
1388
01:11:08,960 --> 01:11:10,960
It was, sadly, open to abuse.
1389
01:11:15,960 --> 01:11:18,480
What are you doing here?
And like that?
1390
01:11:18,480 --> 01:11:21,640
Well, we came to save you,
didn't we? Ah, wicked. Cheers!
1391
01:11:21,640 --> 01:11:22,960
Yes. I mean, we failed, obviously.
1392
01:11:22,960 --> 01:11:24,960
Well, it's the thought that counts,
in't it?
1393
01:11:24,960 --> 01:11:26,960
Hey, it's his 30th birthday,
by the way.
1394
01:11:26,960 --> 01:11:28,960
Oh, sweet! Well, happy birthday.
1395
01:11:28,960 --> 01:11:30,960
Yeah, cheers.
Glad you could make it.
1396
01:11:30,960 --> 01:11:33,960
# Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
1397
01:11:33,960 --> 01:11:35,960
ALL: # Happy birthday to you. #
1398
01:11:35,960 --> 01:11:38,960
CHATTER, LAUGHTER
1399
01:11:59,960 --> 01:12:02,960
All right! He did it!
1400
01:12:02,960 --> 01:12:05,960
Mighty Zalmoxis,
1401
01:12:05,960 --> 01:12:08,960
we humbly offer you
this sacrifice today.
1402
01:12:08,960 --> 01:12:11,800
CROWD: Yeah!
1403
01:12:11,800 --> 01:12:13,960
Which of you would like to go first?
1404
01:12:13,960 --> 01:12:14,960
Oh, bloody hell.
1405
01:12:14,960 --> 01:12:16,960
I don't much fancy
seeing your lot's innards,
1406
01:12:16,960 --> 01:12:18,960
but I don't wanna cop it first,
neither.
1407
01:12:18,960 --> 01:12:20,960
Yeah, sort of lose-lose, really,
innit?
1408
01:12:20,960 --> 01:12:22,960
I'll do it. I'll go first.
I'm the oldest.
1409
01:12:22,960 --> 01:12:25,960
You're not, actually. I am. I'm 39.
1410
01:12:25,960 --> 01:12:26,960
What? You're 39?
Are you?!
1411
01:12:26,960 --> 01:12:29,960
Yeah. Why you hanging round with us,
then, you creepy old nonce?
1412
01:12:29,960 --> 01:12:31,960
I didn't realise
you were a fucking adult.
1413
01:12:31,960 --> 01:12:33,960
Yeah, because I look late 20s, max.
Thank you very much.
1414
01:12:33,960 --> 01:12:35,320
Compliment taken.
Come on.
1415
01:12:35,320 --> 01:12:38,960
It does not matter who goes first.
You are all going to die.
1416
01:12:38,960 --> 01:12:40,960
Shit! OK, er...
1417
01:12:40,960 --> 01:12:44,960
I guess, bye, then.
See you in the afterlife, ideally.
1418
01:12:44,960 --> 01:12:48,960
And with this heretic Roman's
entrails...
1419
01:12:50,960 --> 01:12:52,960
..we honour thee!
1420
01:12:52,960 --> 01:12:53,960
ARROW WHISTLES
1421
01:12:53,960 --> 01:12:57,320
CLAMOUR
1422
01:12:57,320 --> 01:12:58,960
Babs?!
Who?
1423
01:12:58,960 --> 01:13:00,960
VARIOUS BATTLE-CRIES
1424
01:13:00,960 --> 01:13:02,960
We are under attack!
1425
01:13:04,640 --> 01:13:06,000
Argh!
SHOUTS, CLAMOUR
1426
01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:07,960
Men to arms!
1427
01:13:10,960 --> 01:13:12,960
Argh!
1428
01:13:12,960 --> 01:13:14,960
BELL RINGING
1429
01:13:19,960 --> 01:13:21,960
Here y'are!
1430
01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:25,960
What...?
Oh, her name's Barbronelda.
1431
01:13:25,960 --> 01:13:28,320
Yeah, we've been hooking up
the last couple of days.
1432
01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:30,960
Sorry, so while we were held
prisoner, you've been busy humping?
1433
01:13:30,960 --> 01:13:33,160
Yeah, well, I was a prisoner too.
But just, like, a sex one.
1434
01:13:33,160 --> 01:13:34,960
Course you were.
Nice one, son!
1435
01:13:34,960 --> 01:13:37,960
I know! This whole time, I thought
I wanted to get some booty,
1436
01:13:37,960 --> 01:13:39,960
when actually,
I wanna BE the booty.
1437
01:13:39,960 --> 01:13:41,960
Wow. How profound (!)
1438
01:13:41,960 --> 01:13:44,640
Guys, can we discuss this later,
please?
1439
01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:45,960
Kill the Romans!
1440
01:13:45,960 --> 01:13:48,800
Kill them!
Oh, shit!
1441
01:13:48,800 --> 01:13:49,960
BARBARIANS ROAR
1442
01:13:49,960 --> 01:13:52,800
Argh!
1443
01:13:52,800 --> 01:13:53,960
Oh, shit!
1444
01:13:53,960 --> 01:13:55,960
Fucking war!
1445
01:13:55,960 --> 01:13:58,960
GRUNTING
1446
01:14:07,960 --> 01:14:09,960
Babs!
Jason!
1447
01:14:09,960 --> 01:14:10,960
Thanks for coming to save me.
1448
01:14:10,960 --> 01:14:15,960
If anyone's gonna disembowel
my concubine, it's going to be me.
1449
01:14:15,960 --> 01:14:17,960
Stay at my rear.
Always.
1450
01:14:17,960 --> 01:14:19,960
THEY YELL
1451
01:14:26,960 --> 01:14:28,960
Thank you. Don't mind if I do.
1452
01:14:36,000 --> 01:14:37,960
Argh!
1453
01:14:37,960 --> 01:14:39,000
Yes, Aurelius!
ARROW WHISTLES
1454
01:14:39,000 --> 01:14:40,960
Ow! No, ow!
1455
01:14:41,960 --> 01:14:43,960
Argh!
1456
01:14:43,960 --> 01:14:46,960
Grumio, what are you doing?!
1457
01:14:46,960 --> 01:14:48,960
Don't stop now!
I want my bloody eagle. Why?!
1458
01:14:48,960 --> 01:14:51,960
It's just a lump of metal. Yeah,
that them bastards nicked off me.
1459
01:14:51,960 --> 01:14:53,960
I'll 'ave it back
with a quick grabaroo.
1460
01:14:53,960 --> 01:14:54,960
No. No more grabaroos!
1461
01:14:54,960 --> 01:14:57,160
Hey, you do you, soft lad.
I'm going in.
1462
01:14:57,160 --> 01:14:58,960
What? Please, Grumio!
1463
01:14:58,960 --> 01:15:01,960
It's not worth it!
Just obey me, for once in your life!
1464
01:15:03,960 --> 01:15:08,960
Well, I'm going, Grumio.
I'll see you outside, OK?
1465
01:15:08,960 --> 01:15:10,960
Come on, let's get out of here.
What?
1466
01:15:13,960 --> 01:15:16,960
Stop! Hand that over at once.
1467
01:15:16,960 --> 01:15:19,960
Get to fuck, mate.
That eagle is a beacon of hope
1468
01:15:19,960 --> 01:15:22,960
for all of us who refuse
to bow down to Roman oppression.
1469
01:15:22,960 --> 01:15:24,640
It's mine, is what it is.
1470
01:15:24,640 --> 01:15:25,960
YELLING
1471
01:15:28,960 --> 01:15:30,480
Fuck.
1472
01:15:30,480 --> 01:15:32,160
Get back, or I'll bloody beat you!
1473
01:15:34,960 --> 01:15:37,000
Oh, my nose!
1474
01:15:37,000 --> 01:15:38,960
YELLING
1475
01:15:44,960 --> 01:15:49,960
FOOTSTEPS THUD
1476
01:15:49,960 --> 01:15:51,960
HE STRAINS
1477
01:15:54,960 --> 01:15:57,320
STRANGLED CRY
1478
01:16:01,480 --> 01:16:02,960
What...?
1479
01:16:02,960 --> 01:16:03,960
Stab, don't swipe!
1480
01:16:03,960 --> 01:16:05,960
Oh, yeah.
1481
01:16:05,960 --> 01:16:09,960
Argh!
1482
01:16:11,960 --> 01:16:13,960
GURGLING
1483
01:16:23,800 --> 01:16:24,960
Can we go now?
1484
01:16:24,960 --> 01:16:26,960
Yes, please.
1485
01:16:41,960 --> 01:16:45,160
RETCHING
Oh, not the bisque.
1486
01:16:45,160 --> 01:16:47,960
What a waste.
Argh!
1487
01:16:47,960 --> 01:16:49,960
I can't believe it's happened again.
1488
01:16:49,960 --> 01:16:51,960
I know. It's like you're TRYING
to get shot in the arse.
1489
01:16:51,960 --> 01:16:53,960
I've got three holes back there now.
1490
01:16:53,960 --> 01:16:55,960
You could pick me up
like a bowling ball.
1491
01:16:55,960 --> 01:16:57,320
Well, d'you want me to yank it out?
1492
01:16:57,320 --> 01:16:59,960
No, no!
Can you ask her to do it, please?
1493
01:16:59,960 --> 01:17:02,960
I don't want another
green bum situation, thank you.
1494
01:17:03,960 --> 01:17:07,960
So, now you're no longer
honouring the mighty Zalmoxis
1495
01:17:07,960 --> 01:17:09,960
with your entrails,
what are your plans for the day?
1496
01:17:09,960 --> 01:17:13,480
Er... I guess we need
to get back to Rome.
1497
01:17:13,480 --> 01:17:16,480
But despite popular wisdom,
very few roads seem to lead there.
1498
01:17:16,480 --> 01:17:18,960
Ow, God, that stings!
1499
01:17:18,960 --> 01:17:19,960
Don't be a baby.
1500
01:17:19,960 --> 01:17:23,160
You know, your evil empire is
stationed about half a day that way.
1501
01:17:23,160 --> 01:17:25,960
Hitch a ride with them.
Yeah, that's the thing.
1502
01:17:25,960 --> 01:17:29,960
We're not exactly that popular
with our evil empire.
1503
01:17:29,960 --> 01:17:31,800
Yet.
1504
01:17:54,960 --> 01:17:56,960
APPLAUSE
Found the eagle. No big deal, lads.
1505
01:17:56,960 --> 01:17:58,800
Just bringing it home to Rome.
1506
01:17:58,800 --> 01:17:59,960
APPLAUSE
1507
01:17:59,960 --> 01:18:01,960
MAN: Well done, boys.
1508
01:18:04,960 --> 01:18:07,960
Let us through, fellas.
Respect the eagle, please.
1509
01:18:07,960 --> 01:18:10,000
You? YOU found the eagle?
1510
01:18:10,000 --> 01:18:13,960
Yeah. Ah... You can buy me a drink
later to say thanks.
1511
01:18:13,960 --> 01:18:15,960
Yeah! Well done, boys!
1512
01:18:21,960 --> 01:18:23,960
Jove be praised.
1513
01:18:23,960 --> 01:18:26,000
Where on earth was it?
The Carpi tribe had taken it, sir.
1514
01:18:26,000 --> 01:18:28,960
Just say barbarians. I can't keep up
with all the weird names.
1515
01:18:28,960 --> 01:18:31,320
We snuck in, we duffed 'em up
and we grabbed our big bird there.
1516
01:18:31,320 --> 01:18:34,320
Marvellous. Well, jolly good work.
I'm absolutely thrilled about this.
1517
01:18:34,320 --> 01:18:35,960
You're welcome.
Yes.
1518
01:18:35,960 --> 01:18:36,960
You shall now be executed.
1519
01:18:36,960 --> 01:18:38,960
Not again!
What?!
1520
01:18:38,960 --> 01:18:41,160
You're deserters.
Ergo, you must be crucified.
1521
01:18:41,160 --> 01:18:42,960
I mean, I guess
that beats disembowelment.
1522
01:18:42,960 --> 01:18:45,960
Barely. Come on,
we got the bastard eagle back.
1523
01:18:45,960 --> 01:18:47,960
Yeah, you should be giving us
a medal, if anything.
1524
01:18:47,960 --> 01:18:49,960
Also, I'm not sure I've forgiven you
1525
01:18:49,960 --> 01:18:51,960
for clicking my neck.
Oh, look, mate...
1526
01:18:51,960 --> 01:18:53,960
"Mate"?
General, sir.
1527
01:18:53,960 --> 01:18:54,960
We know that there was no invasion
1528
01:18:54,960 --> 01:18:58,960
and this war was waged entirely
to get hold of more bauxite.
1529
01:18:58,960 --> 01:19:00,960
Did you know about that?
About the bauxite?
1530
01:19:00,960 --> 01:19:02,640
Yes, of course.
Did you?
1531
01:19:02,640 --> 01:19:04,960
Well,
maybe the Roman people should too.
1532
01:19:04,960 --> 01:19:06,960
Oh, the plebs in Rome
don't care why wars are waged,
1533
01:19:06,960 --> 01:19:09,000
as long as we win them
and bring home some funny animals.
1534
01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:12,480
That is true. So let's erect the
crucifixes and get this over with.
1535
01:19:12,480 --> 01:19:14,160
Oh, sorry, sir, I meant to say.
1536
01:19:14,160 --> 01:19:17,960
The crosses have all been dismantled
and packed onto the wagons.
1537
01:19:17,960 --> 01:19:20,960
All right, fine. You're free to go.
But I'm discharging the lot of you
1538
01:19:20,960 --> 01:19:21,960
the minute we arrive in Rome,
1539
01:19:21,960 --> 01:19:24,640
and you must promise never
to set foot in the army again.
1540
01:19:24,640 --> 01:19:25,960
Yeah, deal.
Yeah.
1541
01:19:25,960 --> 01:19:28,960
Hang on.
Were there not four deserters?
1542
01:19:28,960 --> 01:19:30,960
There were, sir.
Ergo, one is missing.
1543
01:19:30,960 --> 01:19:32,960
Yes, sir.
1544
01:19:32,960 --> 01:19:36,960
Jason Brindisi.
He died liberating the eagle.
1545
01:19:36,960 --> 01:19:40,960
Oh. Well, that's one less
mouth to feed on our journey home.
1546
01:19:40,960 --> 01:19:43,960
But also very sad.
1547
01:19:45,160 --> 01:19:48,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1548
01:19:48,960 --> 01:19:52,160
Hiya. Yep.
1549
01:19:52,160 --> 01:19:53,960
Hello.
1550
01:19:56,960 --> 01:19:58,960
We had a good war, on balance.
1551
01:19:58,960 --> 01:20:01,960
Well, it was terrifying and horrible
1552
01:20:01,960 --> 01:20:04,960
and waged purely to further
the economic interest of the state,
1553
01:20:04,960 --> 01:20:06,640
but, yeah, you know, we didn't die.
1554
01:20:06,640 --> 01:20:07,960
Like I say, on balance.
1555
01:20:07,960 --> 01:20:09,960
Salve, Grumio.
1556
01:20:09,960 --> 01:20:11,960
All right, Landlord?
1557
01:20:11,960 --> 01:20:14,960
Hey, hey, hey, now we're veterans,
we'll probs get our old flat back.
1558
01:20:14,960 --> 01:20:18,960
Bagsy Jason's old room,
if that's cool with you guys?
1559
01:20:19,960 --> 01:20:21,960
Yeah, all right. You're in.
1560
01:20:21,960 --> 01:20:23,320
Yes! I'm in!
1561
01:20:23,320 --> 01:20:25,960
I'm finally in!
HE LAUGHS
1562
01:20:25,960 --> 01:20:26,960
Whoo!
1563
01:20:28,640 --> 01:20:30,960
Yeah, so sorry to keep you again.
1564
01:20:30,960 --> 01:20:33,960
Believe it or not, we got caught
in another military parade.
1565
01:20:33,960 --> 01:20:35,160
You're over three months late.
1566
01:20:35,160 --> 01:20:36,960
And in a military campaign.
Yeah.
1567
01:20:36,960 --> 01:20:38,320
Right. OK.
1568
01:20:38,320 --> 01:20:41,960
Well, in the interim,
your slave licence has been approved
1569
01:20:41,960 --> 01:20:42,960
and is now ready to sign.
1570
01:20:42,960 --> 01:20:44,960
Go on, then.
1571
01:20:45,960 --> 01:20:47,960
Do you have a manumission form,
in fact?
1572
01:20:47,960 --> 01:20:50,960
Why?
Do you want that one instead now?
1573
01:20:50,960 --> 01:20:51,960
I do, yeah.
1574
01:20:51,960 --> 01:20:53,960
Thanks.
1575
01:20:55,800 --> 01:20:57,960
What's this green one, then?
It's manumission.
1576
01:20:57,960 --> 01:20:59,960
As in, freedom.
1577
01:21:01,480 --> 01:21:02,960
You are no longer a slave.
1578
01:21:02,960 --> 01:21:04,960
You what?
1579
01:21:04,960 --> 01:21:07,960
Are you yanking my chain?
You're freeing me?
1580
01:21:07,960 --> 01:21:09,960
Yeah.
1581
01:21:09,960 --> 01:21:13,960
Well, all this licence business
is such a bloody faff, isn't it?
1582
01:21:15,960 --> 01:21:18,160
And also, when that barbarian
was about to cut you in half
1583
01:21:18,160 --> 01:21:20,960
and I was home free,
1584
01:21:20,960 --> 01:21:22,960
I wasn't coming back for my slave,
I was..
1585
01:21:24,960 --> 01:21:26,960
..coming back for my brother.
1586
01:21:29,800 --> 01:21:33,960
My selfish, lazy,
greedy scrotum of a brother.
1587
01:21:46,960 --> 01:21:50,960
There is a queue, you realise?
Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, yeah.
1588
01:21:52,960 --> 01:21:53,960
Now you are a free man,
1589
01:21:53,960 --> 01:21:55,960
you can obviously fuck off
and never see me again.
1590
01:21:55,960 --> 01:21:57,960
Mm-hm. I mean,
it's nice to have the option,
1591
01:21:57,960 --> 01:22:00,960
but I reckon
I'll stick around for a bit.
1592
01:22:00,960 --> 01:22:03,960
So... What shall we do now, then?
1593
01:22:03,960 --> 01:22:05,960
Well, now that I'm 30,
1594
01:22:05,960 --> 01:22:07,960
I should probably
focus on settling down,
1595
01:22:07,960 --> 01:22:10,960
starting a career, get a mortgage,
that sort of thing.
1596
01:22:10,960 --> 01:22:14,000
Right, cos I were gonna suggest
getting some free chicken.
1597
01:22:14,000 --> 01:22:16,960
Yeah, that's much better.
All right. Come on.
1598
01:22:16,960 --> 01:22:20,960
# I can see clearly
Now the rain is gone... #
1599
01:22:20,960 --> 01:22:23,960
..great big numbers, like,
massive, massive chickens. Oh, yeah?
1600
01:22:23,960 --> 01:22:24,960
Erm, Greece, it was.
1601
01:22:24,960 --> 01:22:28,480
And there were all these different
condiments...
1602
01:22:28,480 --> 01:22:31,960
# I can see all obstacles
In my way... #
1603
01:22:31,960 --> 01:22:34,640
Spicy, spicy. Get me so excited...
1604
01:22:34,640 --> 01:22:39,960
# Gone are the dark clouds
That had me blind
1605
01:22:39,960 --> 01:22:42,960
# It's gonna be a bright
Bright
1606
01:22:42,960 --> 01:22:46,960
# Bright Bright
Sunshiny day
1607
01:22:49,960 --> 01:22:55,960
# I think I can make it
Now the pain is gone
1608
01:22:57,960 --> 01:23:03,320
# All of the bad feelings
Have disappeared
1609
01:23:05,160 --> 01:23:08,480
# Here is that rainbow
I've been praying for... #
1610
01:23:08,480 --> 01:23:11,960
HE CHUCKLES
Yes!
1611
01:23:11,960 --> 01:23:13,960
# It's gonna be a bright
Bright
1612
01:23:13,960 --> 01:23:17,960
# Bright Bright
Sunshiny day
1613
01:23:20,800 --> 01:23:26,960
# Look all around
There's nothing but blue skies
1614
01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:33,000
# Look straight ahead
There's nothing but blue skies
1615
01:23:39,960 --> 01:23:45,960
# I can see clearly
Now the rain is gone
1616
01:23:46,960 --> 01:23:52,000
# I can see all obstacles in my way
1617
01:23:54,960 --> 01:24:00,960
# Gone are the dark clouds
That had me blind
1618
01:24:00,960 --> 01:24:03,960
# It's gonna be a bright
Bright
1619
01:24:03,960 --> 01:24:07,480
# Bright Bright
Sunshiny day. #
1620
01:24:07,480 --> 01:24:09,960
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