Original subtitles

♪ ("PAS D'ICI" BY EHLA PLAYING) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Sweet afternoon, amorous ones.

To celebrate or not to celebrate?

That is not a question.

One simple thing separates

those who love Valentine's Day from those who do not,

and it has nothing to do with candy hearts

or singing telegrams.

It's all about that plus one.

Or in some cases, that plus two.

(PANTS) What? Thought you like it when I bite.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Uh, you two go. Um, I wanna watch.

That's the third time he's sat out this week.

(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)

We'll just give him a show then.

GOSSIP GIRL: But what about those of you

who are spending this V-Day plus none?

JULIEN CALLOWAY: Welcome to "Stop the Story."

Obie was my first real love.

And I wanted to show all of you just how great that love was.

But... I picked and chose what I saw.

I'm stopping that story.

I'm gonna take you behind the scenes of moments

that looked perfect but were actually painful.

Curated instead of experienced.

Hoped Obie would be my guest on pulling back that curtain,

but... (BREATHES DEEPLY) ...as you can see,

he's stopped my story all by himself.

Okay. Leave a comment. Have you made amends with an ex?

Do you hope to?

And I'll see you back here at five,

for the truth about how hard "making it look easy" is

on the people who love you.

GOSSIP GIRL: What really matters are the ways we show up

for that special someone.

And making sure they're showing up for you, too.

OBIE BERGMANN: I have a surprise for you.

Better be a black car taking you to school.

You're gonna be late.

Look, I've missed you this week,

and I wanted to do something special for your...

coming back up and all. So I decided I'd make breakfast

from your favorite restaurant. And then I remembered

that you really like the gougères at Benoit.

And more importantly, I don't know how to cook.

So I thought, why not bring Benoit to you?

(CELLPHONE DINGS)

Maybe it's... too much.

But a week is a long time to be apart from your perfect,

amazing, hopefully famished girlfriend.

(CHUCKLES) It's wonderful.

Can't it be like this all the time?

You know I'd be here if I could.

If only I could be two places at once. (CHUCKLES)

GOSSIP GIRL: This Hallmark-created holiday

is for kissing and telling.

Or wanting to kiss and telling them, too.

Is that another new suit?

Yeah. Greyson de Haan sent a couple over.

Part of the welcome, I guess.

Or a reminder that he bought you.

Like Monet buys people.

You know, it kinda runs in their family.

Slow down, 1619 Project.

You're forgetting, I'm not for sale.

Right. I'm sure that's what the Post told Bezos.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(KATE KELLER CHUCKLES)

GOSSIP GIRL: Whatever your plans,

Liz Taylor once said,

-"Pour yourself a drink..." -(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

"...put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together."

So, followers, pucker up.

-BARISTA: Small iced oat latte? -♪ (MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY THROUGH EARBUDS) ♪

Excuse me. Iced oat latte?

-Oh, yeah. Sorry. -♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

Wait.

Didn't we meet at the debutante thing or...

-I thought I recognized you. -(JULIEN CHUCKLES)

-Uh, Graham Smith. -Julien Calloway.

Nice to see you again, away from...

whatever it is that was. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) You got a gig near here?

Just on my way to class. I go to Mannes School of Music.

You just carry that thing everywhere with you, huh?

You get used to it. It was more ridiculous

when I was twelve and it was twice my size.

-(CHUCKLES) -You play anything?

Uh, this is the only instrument I'm any good with.

And what do you do with that?

Well, I used to use it to perpetuate a whole bunch

of lies to help people feel bad about themselves.

But now I'm trying this thing called honesty, you know?

Pulling back the facade. Exposing the lies beneath.

Oh, how postmodern.

Or what I'm doing before I distract myself

with something else?

I feel like I keep trying things,

and nothing seems to be working.

Maybe this time.

As much as I appreciate the company,

isn't this the wrong way to Mannes?

Wow, she knows where Mannes is!

My dad's a musician-- Uh, was a musician. So.

I kinda wanna hear more about your "Stop the Story" thing.

Okay, I started following you after the deb brawl.

-Way to bury the lede! -(LAUGHS)

Well, the next one I'm doing

is about being tragically single on Valentine's Day.

You could make a guest appearance?

You're married? How old are you?

Twenty-one. Uh. High school sweetheart.

Long story.

I'm sure it's a really good one.

Yeah, it's, um...

She's great.

Nice to meet you officially, Graham.

You too.

(EXHALES)

Hey, so, unexpected news.

We already know about you and Shubin.

Nothing to know. Just hanging out.

Clothes on or off?

Wendy! I don't wanna hear about that.

She's not your mom. She's allowed to have sex.

Gossip Girl just got photographic evidence

that Greyson de Haan is cheating on Camille.

Merry Christmas.

Isn't that, like, the one gift you've always wanted?

Where is it? I keep refreshing.

Ugh. I miss being in on the action.

I didn't post it yet.

I thought I would do the right thing.

Tell Camille privately first.

It's not because goody-two-Shubins

is getting to you?

-Morning. -Morning.

I simply thought I would extend it

as a sort of interpersonal olive branch

to repair whatever wrong foot she and I got off on.

Right, because telling someone their husband

is cheating on them always makes them like you.

Jillian Vose is guesting at DUMBO Hall tonight.

What do you say to a Valentine's Eve pre-game?

And then after, since Dad and Pops

are further cementing their reconciliation,

we've got an entire townhouse to ourselves.

We might have to try some new things in some new rooms.

♪ (DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I... promised my mom we'd hang out.

I haven't... haven't seen her in a while.

MAX WOLFE: Your mom?

Um, I'll see you at brunch tomorrow?

MAX: Mm.

That's odd. Jodie always spends V-Day

-in Vail with Warren Buffet. -Mm-hmm.

Don't ask me how that guy still skis.

Are you sure she's going this year?

I helped her pick an après-ski look just last week.

MAX: First he shuts down in bed, and now he's lying to us.

My spidey senses are tingling, Hope. And not in a good way.

AKI MENZIES: How long is Grace here this time?

Forty-eight hours. (SIGHS)

Yeah, I mean, it was great when we were together every day.

But now, you know, like, after this trip,

she doesn't plan on coming back for a month.

This long-distance thing's jus--

You know. I mean, it kills relationships.

What if you didn't have to do it?

What, just leave school and follow her

on her mom's campaign trail?

Why doesn't she just enroll here?

-Like... like Constance here? -No, look, I'm sure she wants

to spend as much time with you as you do her.

Maybe she's just waiting for you to ask.

Thanks, Ak. I hadn't, uh... I hadn't thought of that.

OBIE: C'mon. Let's get out of here.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

-I felt that chill from here. -Okay, so it's not just me.

Oh, no. No. He's definitely avoiding you.

Just like old times!

Good thing we get to turn our minds off

at our annual spa day.

Our minds? You too?

With two people, it's easy to know

when you're on the same page,

but what if there isn't room for three?

Gotta think about how to work out our kinks

while Tamiko works out my kinks tomorrow.

And as for Mr. Bergmann,

I think you know what that's about.

That it's hard being friends with an ex

with your new girlfriend around

no matter how much you wish it wasn't.

"Stop the Story," I think she's got it.

"Can she let it be?" is another story.

Let's get falafel, hang at Bleeker playground.

Time Out rated it the best place to dump someone,

so there's bound to be some deeply tragic breakups

night before V-Day. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, while that sounds absolutely terrible...

SHAN BARNES: Mm-hmm.

...I'm committed to spending the day with my dad.

-(SHAN GROANS) -ZOYA LOTT: Yeah,

we're committed to this bit

where we painfully mask the weirdness between us.

And I know you think he's some, like,

burgeoning corporate overlord, but what if he's a Trojan Horse?

You know? Changing things secretly from the inside?

-SHAN: Hmm. -Yeah. He's a good guy.

Unless you know something I don't.

-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ -(CHUCKLES)

How bout I join you guys? I need help with my V-Day plans.

I'm going full Bachelorette, ten suitors lined up

for the Kiss on the Lips party.

Ten? I don't even have one.

-What about Terrell? -Terrell who?

Don't play like you haven't been stalking him

-since the deb ball. -You can't stalk somebody

who doesn't have social media presence.

Do you know how many pictures I've seen

that are just "hashtag Terrell?"

I know nothing about him besides how hot he is.

Girl, that's why you ask someone out.

-The "out" is to find out. -MONET DE HAAN: Move it, peons!

-Sorry. -Whoa, yeah. (CHUCKLES) Sorry.

He was Monet's escort. Get her to hook you up.

I'm not asking the queen of mean.

Fine. I will. Yo Mo Mo!

Lil Z's and me's has a query for ya.

-♪ (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Are they on the agenda?

It's just one simple question.

We don't need an appointment for that.

BIANCA BREER: Have you ever heard of precedence?

If we do it for you, we have to do it for anyone.

And we do not do things for anyone.

Um... Terrell Carter.

I was wondering if you could make an intro for me with him?

Do I look like Cupid for poors? Kindly move along.

The lower steps are getting bold.

PIPPA SYKES: What is Harris wearing?

Queen D, I know your dress code said only designer khakis,

but Matches, Mr. Porter,

and Essence sold out in my sample size,

so I had no choice but to Rag and Bone.

I kneel before thee as a sign of remorse.

It'll never happen again.

Hey, I eased up on the dress code last week.

But addressing me by my proper title? That stays.

Thank you for this kindness.

MONET: Mm.

No, be who you are! It's okay!

Why does no one believe me?

We all thought it was a trick.

They're expecting to be excoriated.

Were you actually serious?

What-- When am I ever not? Yes, I mean,

too many restrictions is turning people against me.

-I can feel it. -Yes, because they fear you.

MONET: I want them to like and fear me.

Mm. That's not possible.

Sure it is. Look at Shonda Rhimes.

LUNA LA: You'd have to give them a reason to like you.

Like Julien did.

Fear may have gotten you to the top,

but only respect can keep you there.

Well, isn't teaching them style and taste worthy of respect?

Julien is kind, okay?

That's why she gains 20,000 followers

just by blinking on TikTok.

If you want what she has, you have to rule

with an open hand. Not an iron fist.

Say more things.

The annual Kiss on the Lips party.

That only the reigning Queen gets to throw.

Should be open to all, not exclusive for next-to-none.

Show everyone a good time, and you can reign forever.

Oh, Luna. Forever in La-land.

If you invite all the Ps? 'Kay? Then the VIs don't show.

Take my advice. Or don't.

The longer this goes on, the less time you do.

Guess that's what you get by outsourcing your henchwomen

from Midtown East.

You heard her. Open the gates

and make it friendlier than ever.

Love is all around. Got that?

-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(MATÍAS MOANING)

You shouldn't have come here.

I haven't seen you in a week.

Well, the campaign is keeping me busy.

As well as this Obie guy.

GRACE BYRON: My mom forbade me to see you.

"This Obie guy" keeps her off our tracks.

She thinks I'm with him when I'm with you,

and he thinks I'm with her when I'm with you.

Works for everyone.

But you weren't with either of us last week.

-Sometimes that's unavoidable-- -(ELEVATOR RUMBLING)

Wait. Was that the elevator?

It's a big building.

W-- you need to go. Now!

Are you sure you aren't enjoying him?

-Why aren't you leaving? -Maybe I want him to see us?

No, Matías, you don't. (WHISPERS) Please just hide now!

-(ELEVATOR DINGS) -Obie! (CHUCKLES)

-OBIE: Hi. -You're back early.

Hi. Yeah. I just-- I had this idea

and I-- I wanted to share it with you.

There's always the phone. (CHUCKLES)

Are you okay? You-- you look a little flushed.

I just took a hot shower. What's up?

Well, I know how much you hate traveling with your mom.

And I was just thinking that maybe you didn't have to.

(GASPS) God, you look so sexy right now!

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(BREATHS DEEPLY)

Sorry, you're just... so irresistible.

(EXHALES) What were you going to say?

Um... nothing. Just, uh, just, uh...

glad we get to spend Valentine's Day together.

CAMILLE DE HAAN: Thank you so much.

HEAD TEACHER DUVALL: Of course, Mrs. de Haan.

Mrs. de Haan.

I was actually hoping to see you.

And here I am,

just coming from a talk with our new Head Teacher.

She wanted to get acquainted and hear who I feel

are standouts amongst the faculty,

and who I believe might have slipped in

due to her predecessor's significantly lower standards.

And, uh, where do I fall in your eyes? (CHUCKLES)

Before you go,

I owe it to you to share some information.

I know it's none of my business,

but...

I saw your husband this morning

exiting The Bowery with another woman.

And I can only imagine if I saw them,

someone else could've, and go tell Gossip Girl.

Whatever you think you saw,

I assure you, it was not my husband.

While I do not appreciate the accusation you're making

about my marriage,

I will not notify the Head Teacher about this,

purely out of sympathy for whatever episode

you are clearly having.

But if you ever...

try something like this again,

or if a tip about this ends up on Gossip Girl,

your head will roll so fast and so far...

you'll never catch up to it.

-Hey! -Hey, babe.

-I'm just running late for Jodi. -Oh, I won't keep you.

I just wanted to check in, see how you're doing.

Why do you keep asking me that?

We're your partners! We want to see how you're doing.

I'm annoyed by you asking?

I would tell you if I wasn't fine.

Your hair's wet. Did you just have PE?

Um, yeah. I'll-- I'll see you

at the Kiss on the Lips party tomorrow.

What did I miss?

(SIGHS) Making Aki upset for asking him how he was?

PE must've riled him up.

He doesn't take PE this semester.

He's on the wrestling team.

-And they don't meet today. -He just showered.

What do you wanna do?

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I wanted to thank you for your advice earlier.

And I want to thank you for yours.

I'm gonna be spending the afternoon alone. Just me.

Same here. I'm just gonna let Aki, Aki.

-Gonna let Obie, Obie. -See you tomorrow?

(KISSES)

♪ (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(TRAFFIC HONKING) -(CAR ALARM BEEPS)

"Dr. Eamonn Veta." The Menzies' GP.

GOSSIP GIRL: Happy Valentine's Eve, followers.

Just as certain as tomorrow will be

our Upper East Sider's annual

ultra-exclusive Kiss on the Lips party,

I bear the promise of another sure thing.

This year, Cupid is taking the day off.

(MATÍAS AND GRACE ARGUING)

GOSSIP GIRL: So to those of you who might be busy

spending the day making plans to find love...

know this. I'm taking over.

And I'm going to make sure you and your loved ones know it.

Have they ever heard of natural lighting?

(SHUSHES) Quiet. I'm trying to hear.

I have to take it every day? And Descovy is the same thing?

-PHARMACIST: As Truvada? Yes. -Descovy? What's that?

It's PrEP.

(SIGHS) Oh, it's not cancer. Thank God.

It is for our relationship.

If he's taking it now, it can only mean one thing.

He's about to cheat on us, Hope.

(CELLPHONE DINGS)

GOSSIP GIRL: And to kick things off,

let me leave you with a little blind item.

-(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) -(CELLPHONES CHIME)

GOSSIP GIRL: Nothing is ever as good as it seems.

And just because you think you know

the person standing next to you,

doesn't mean there's not someone else

on the other side of them that you can't see.

So how much does a place like this go for, anyways?

That's not a very polite question to ask, Miss Barnes.

Just curious. It's cool how you were able to buy it

all of a sudden like that.

Shan.

It wasn't all of a sudden. The deal's still going through.

I looked. This place listed for two and a half mil.

But you snapped it up before you got recruited

-by Darth Pharma. -Shan!

NICK LOTT: Can we change the subject please?

I don't think my finances make good dinner conversation

with teenagers.

My bad. Subject changed.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

No fucking way. Sweet Home Ali-basic

in illicit lip lock? Are you sure?

I know what I saw, Audge.

Okay, okay. So here's what you're gonna do.

Next time you see Obie,

you're gonna walk right up to him,

and you're gonna act like everything is completely normal.

Not a word of what you saw.

I can't let Grace do this to him. He doesn't deserve it.

I'll have to lightly, strongly disagree with that statement.

He cares about her, Audrey. And...

If I'm his friend, I have to tell him.

Okay. But you're not his friend. You're his ex.

So if you do anything with this information

except keep it to yourself, then you'll seem vengeful

-and selfish. -And honest?

He'll never believe you.

Not after what you tried to pull in Hudson. Look.

You need to approach this situation with finesse

or you could lose him forever.

And how do I do that?

By subtly and skillfully convincing Grace

to come clean on her own?

Done.

And what about Ak?

I'm gonna try and take my own advice.

You know, Max and I only have assumptions right now,

so if we try to accuse him without facts,

then it might blow up in our faces. And...

that would be very bad. So I need some facts.

And I'll get them by asking him honestly

and with finesse.

-Good luck. -You, too.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

-(CELLPHONES CHIME) -♪ (MUSIC CUTS OFF) ♪

Please don't tell me you're gonna spend today

watching Love Actually?

It's a time-worn Valentine's tradition.

You do realize how problematic this movie is, don't you?

It's romantic.

It's reductive, exploitative. It's-- it's--

And how will I enjoy it without our annual

"crass or classic" commentary?

-(CHUCKLES) -NICK: Whoa!

We friends again?

Almost. I figure we're basically even now.

Besides, I, um...

I know you're only working there to keep us here.

Yes. Exactly.

Since we're almost friends...

Lay it on me.

So, Shan has been acting super weird lately.

I mean, you saw her at dinner last night.

And I don't know why, but it's kinda making me feel

like I don't want to spend that much time with her anymore.

Here's a thought. Just ask.

Be honest about how it makes you feel.

Maybe if you and I had done a little bit more of that,

we wouldn't have gotten to where we were.

Why don't you invite her to the spa thing with the girls?

Talk. Relax. Reconnect. Get to the bottom it.

-That's what friends do. -Hmm.

Thank you.

♪ ("SECOND NATURE" BY LUCIUS PLAYING) ♪

♪ My love is like a hit and run But I come back ♪

-(DOOR OPENS) -SPA STAFF: There you are.

Hey! You made it.

I didn't think you were gonna come.

Why not? I have a hangnail that needs tending to.

Well, um... I know things have been really weird

between us. I just wanted to make sure we're okay.

We are, right? You would tell me?

Actually, there is something I need to tell you.

-It's about-- -JULIEN: Hey, girls!

Your friend Terrell. At the deb ball,

he asked me about you. And I knew you liked him,

but I was sort of aggro that night,

so I kinda blew him off.

And I've felt terrible about it ever since.

Hey, it's fine. He's just a guy.

A guy you should be spending Valentine's with!

No. He-- It's just a distraction

from all the shit in my life. It's not real.

Let's make it real. We need to get him at the party tonight.

How? Monet has his contact on lockdown.

Which is why our mission is to get it

by any means necessary.

She's here, we're here, and so is her phone.

By the end of this spa-ga, I'm gonna have glowing skin,

and you're gonna have a hot date. (GIGGLES)

Welcome to today's "Stop the Story."

I'm here at the spa with my girls, the perfect place

for a filterless convo.

Set your alarms for a Q&A with my nearest and dearest

about the BS behind this high-presh holiday.

Hey!

MONET: You better have brought them here

for me to ritually sacrifice,

because this is supposed to be relaxing.

I mean, who's even paying for them? Make-a-Wish?

There are treatments to be had and livestreams to overshare.

Just let them fade into the steam.

Mm-hmm. And what about Queen Kong?

I could see her anywhere.

-Gracie, you made it! -I love it here.

I came during their soft open with Audrey Pence.

I could def use some girl time.

-(GIGGLES) -I bet you could.

-(COMMENTATOR SPEAKING OVER TV) -AKI: Yes!

Ak, uh, could you grab me a La Croix?

You know where they are.

I need relationship advice from both you guys.

(GROANS) Try spelling "Mississippi" with your tongue.

(GROANS) No.

Not like that. Like, real stuff.

-Ask me. -(SIGHS)

Not only is my relationship the longest, it's also grown.

OBIE: Don't think polyamory applies here, Ak.

MAX: Uh, I-- I, uh, I can't reach the pamplemousse.

Aki, can you, uh, can you grab it, please?

You got thinner arms and it's just--

-it's jammed at the back there. -AKI MENZIES: Seriously?

It's just-- It's like, how do I know... (CLEARS THROAT)

...if I'm being too pushy with Grace?

MAX: Thanks, pal.

-OBIE: You know, what if I was being led by Julien... -AKI: What did you want?

...but now I'm leading too much with Grace?

What, Obie? I can't. Can you-- can you come over here?

I can't hear you.

(OBIE BREATHES DEEPLY)

-See, I just don't want this to, like-- -Oh, I just heard my phone.

Wait. Huh?

I don't-- I just-- I don't want this thing

to be Goldilocks, you know?

Like, where I was-- I'm-- I'm too small with Julien

and now I'm too big with Grace.

I don't want that. I want this relationship to work now.

I don't want some future relationship to work.

You know? And how do you know if you're doing too much...

-(CELLPHONE BUZZES, CHIMES) -...or if you're doing enough?

OBIE: Anyone?

Mone, this is gonna be the hottest

Kiss on the Lips party of all time. No cap.

We got American Bar to cater.

Mom's doing the champagne tower.

(LAUGHS)

Luna, what would you do?

Recast?

As promised, I'm here taking your questions about love,

loneliness, and the moments in between. Questions are open.

Ooh, hot topic, "Monogamy vs. polyamory?

Preference and why?"

I think my position is very clear.

(CHUCKLES) Why don't we ask Grace?

Um, well, I was raised in a pretty traditional household.

So, while I believe love is love,

I've always been a one-man type of gal.

Okay. You heard it here first.

Grace Byron, resident monogamist.

Why do I have to do it? Why can't you just--

Riveting.

Oh, six feet, please. I don't trust the ventilation.

Since you didn't want to introduce us,

I was wondering if you could give me

Terrell's phone number? He's not on IG or Snapchat.

Hmm, probably because he blocked you?

What went down at the deb ball was all my idea, not Z's.

So if you want someone to hate...

MONET: Right. Here's the thing.

Why give you his phone number when he's just going to say no?

Haven't you heard I'm benevolent now?

I'm sparing you pain.

If she won't give it up, we'll just have to take it.

Ooh. This comment's interesting. "Have you ever been interested

in someone who was unavailable?"

Hmm. Trick question. Is anyone ever emotionally available?

Do dead men count? What? No way I'm alone here.

You're alone. Get used to it.

No, I'm-- I'm with her.

I've had a crush on River Phoenix

ever since Aki made me watch My Own Private Idaho. So...

Grace? You're quiet. What about you?

Have you ever been into someone who's unavailable?

Or have you met someone when you're unavailable?

Why don't you share with the group?

Okay, I'll share.

I recently met this very attractive, married man.

Nothing happened. We just talked.

But I'd be lying if I said

I wasn't interested in getting to know him better.

Even though I know how wrong that would be.

You need to stop that story.

Affairs don't only affect you, they destroy families.

I thought after what your mom did,

you of all people would know that.

Monet...

No. What you're doing is wrong, and selfish, and entitled.

I-- I haven't done anything.

MONET: (VOICE BREAKING) That's what everyone says.

-(PHONE TURNS OFF) -Oh, my God. Mone, are you okay?

I-- I think my dad is having an affair.

Anyone cheat on your mom? No way.

I thought that they were the perfect ship.

But it turns out, they're a mess like all of yours.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

That blind GG item is about my dad. I know it.

How?

He has been sneaking around, and my mom is acting weird,

so I followed him twice. To a hotel both times.

Oh, honey.

You say a word of this to anyone,

I'll have you all exiled to Exeter. All of you.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(SIGHS) I need some vitamin D.

I need to change my massage.

I want a smoothie.

(SIGHS)

I want fresh ginger tea.

And when I say fresh ginger, I mean make it yourself.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

What now?

Oh, nothing. Just watching our boyfriend entering

the building of Rex Huntington, carrying a bag

-of newly purchased sex toys! -Give me that back!

Julien was right.

What, about the glass dildo and the butt plugs?

AUDREY HOPE: Did Rex Huntington RSVP for tonight?

Of course. (SCOFFS)

(SIGHS) Julien said to talk to Aki outright,

which is exactly what we're gonna do tonight

at the party.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

(SIGHS)

Hi. (CHUCKLES) I booked the relaxing massage,

but after the day I'm having, I'm gonna need the muscle--

The day you're having?

Pretty sure I was the one

being waterboarded in the wellness pool.

-Grace? -Give us a moment?

RECEPTIONIST: Mm-hmm.

I don't care how you found out and I don't care--

I know you definitely don't care about Obie.

I saw you hooking up with that rando!

Matías isn't random. He's my ex.

My mother doesn't approve. I tried to end it, but...

It's complicated.

It seems pretty simple to me.

You're cheating on one of my best friends.

And either you're gonna tell him

-or I'm-- -Or what? You'll tell him?

You think he'll believe you

after everything you put him through?

Making a false accusation like that

could cost the little friendship you have left.

You think I'm just gonna sit by and let you hurt him?

If you tell him, you'll be breaking his heart again.

How many times are you gonna do that, Julien?

Besides, it's your word against mine,

and your word means nothing anymore.

♪ (JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Shan!

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

Shan! Shan, no, don't!

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

GOSSIP GIRL: Dating before Valentine's Day

is just a game of musical chairs.

Seats swap, partners change, and options are eliminated.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

What are you doing here?

I found a great date for us!

The Kiss on the Lips party? Isn't that for kids?

Yup. What worse date is there?

Besides, your bestie Camille's gonna be there

since it's her daughter's party.

Imagine her face, seeing us dancing.

You do dance, don't you?

Very, very badly and with no shame about it.

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

Could you excuse me a moment?

Only if it's to change into something very un-festive.

-(LAUGHS) -♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Okay, Mike, I'm in!

Fuck yes!

GOSSIP GIRL: But word is this year,

there are a few unexpected players.

(EXHALES)

GOSSIP GIRL: So where will you be when the music stops?

Seated comfortably?

Or standing alone while everyone watches you

land straight on your ass?

There's, like, no fucking service out here.

The party's starting. How long are we supposed to wait?

(SHIVERING) Are you sure this is Pete's place?

There's no way Kim would come out here.

Jesus, Bianca. Yeah, it's Staten Island.

Fuck, it's cold!

♪ ("DRAG ME OUT" BY KAH-LO PLAYS) ♪

♪ Doesn't anyone dance In this town no more? ♪

♪ Why am I the only one On the dance floor? ♪

(PARTY GUESTS CHATTERING)

♪ DJ's killin' it Drinks is poured ♪

♪ I don't like None of y'all hoes I'm bored ♪

♪ I'm tryna get loose with it ♪

♪ Shake a little somethin' Get the whole crew with it ♪

♪ Shots to the head Got the whole room spinnin'... ♪

It's perfect.

LUNA: Wait until our special guest arrives.

It's what I do.

You? Where are the girls?

They were no-shows. Someone had to step in.

If you ask me, I think they always planned

to try and destroy you.

You owe me forever, bitch.

Name it.

I'll cash in when the time is right.

MONET: Mm-hmm.

When I said open the party to everyone,

I didn't mean everyone.

It's a long story,

but it's why I insisted on low lighting. 'Kay? Come on.

♪ Take a pic, it'll last long ♪

♪ Gotta go 'Cause they playing my song... ♪

You brought a chaperone?

Nice to see you too, Miss Barnes.

I told Zoya she could go so long as I saw

with my own eyes what it was.

-Which I thought was fair. So... -Mm-hmm.

You can go now!

-(KATE TALKING INDISTINCTLY) -Sure. Yeah, in a little bit.

♪ I like to get it started I'm spendin' all my money... ♪

ZOYA: So, have you seen Terrell anywhere?

Not yet, but I'm on the lookout.

This is literally the best party I've ever been invited to.

It's the only party you've ever been invited to.

JK! (GIGGLES) You're welcome.

(ALL LAUGH)

(GROANS) Being liked is awful.

♪ I like to party, I like to get down ♪

At least your apple doesn't fall far from that tree.

I know, right? She's amazing.

He doesn't deserve her.

This is a great party, hon.

So, our first Valentine's as an us. Exciting, huh?

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm.

Are we... looking for something?

Uh, yeah. The, uh, the caviar concierge.

He was here a second ago.

You know what I could really use right now, babe?

Valentine's Vespers?

-(CHUCKLES) -You know us so well.

(CHUCKLES)

MAX: I can't believe he'd do this to us.

You were literally gonna fuck Rex two weeks ago!

-Yeah, only 'cause you made me! -Okay.

Hey.

Oh, my God! They're not even hiding it!

OBIE: Oh, I almost forgot.

Breakfast, flowers, a Cameo from Chris Pratt.

-You've done enough. -(CHUCKLES) No, this is, uh...

this is your real... your real gift.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

I thought maybe you could sew it

into your new uniform.

Okay, hear me out. I-- I--

I was thinking maybe you could enroll at... at Constance.

Hmm. This is...

a little late in the year, isn't it?

Normally, yes. But, uh, Leni Klum got that...

that role on that Amazon series in Budapest, and, you know,

since she's gonna be schooling remotely

for the rest of the year, and it... (INHALES)

...left this opening, which I secured for you.

Without talking to me?

-You hate it. -No! No, I love it. It's just...

-(ELEVATOR DINGS) -I don't know if I can deal with...

-(JULIEN AND MATÍAS TALKING INDISTINCTLY) -Julien?

Julien's the reason that you don't wanna enroll at Constance?

I wasn't gonna say anything,

but I think she's still trying to come between us.

Obie! Grace! I'd like you to meet Matías Botello.

-Pleasure to meet you. -You, too.

Nice to meet... You know, you look...

You look kind of familiar. Have we met before?

Wait, where would any of us have met?

I don't know. I'm just, I'm really good with faces.

He is. Really good.

Are you that guy that spat on Senator Byron?

-You did what? -Yeah, what the fuck, man?

-Julien, this guy is-- -Is against capitalism,

corporate greed, and immigration policies

that make Donald Trump look like the Dalai Lama?

Can't disagree with that, can you. Grace?

Seems she has a type.

Obie, I'm thirsty. Let's get a drink?

♪ ("SCOOTER" BY LOLO ZOUAÏ PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS)

You know, this is way lower than I ever expected from you.

Just stay out of my life, Julien.

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Everybody starin', I don't care ♪

♪ And I'm feeling great ♪

♪ Get out my way ♪

♪ Don't make me Get off my scooter ♪

♪ Na na na na na... ♪

Telling you she doesn't like him,

telling him she doesn't know you.

She told me Obie was temporary.

I'm sorry, Matías...

For you and Obie.

SHAN: Two for me. (chuckles)

Okay, maybe slow down a little bit? My dad's here.

Why do you think I need this?

Not this again.

I've tried really hard not to--

(SIGHS) Not to--

'Kay, we're moving past what he did. Why can't you?

It's just a job. Sometimes people do things

-that aren't necessarily-- -It's not about his job, Jesus!

-Here. -WAITER: Okay.

So it's apparently somehow about you.

God, I'm so sick and tired of you constantly

inserting your chaos into my life, Shan!

My chaos?

ZOYA: Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about!

My family isn't some playground

for your attention-seeking games. Back off!

Whoa, Z. I'm just trying to help you see that your dad--

Your help isn't wanted. Not about this. Ever!

What a liar you are, Katherine Keller.

We agreed to make this an unsexy Valentine's,

and look at you.

At least you have to admit, I win.

I mean, being surrounded by our pubescent overlords

is as unsexy as a date can get.

KATE: (CHUCKLES) Not so fast.

I scheduled us dual colonoscopies

-for St. Patrick's Day. -MIKE SHUBIN: Oh? Oh. (LAUGHS)

Can you excuse me for a moment?

MIKE: Yeah.

♪ ("WITH YOU WITHOUT YOU" BY JESSICA WINTER PLAYING) ♪

♪ Go, go, get back on the road ♪

♪ I won't hear another word ♪

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Monet. So, I showed. Who is she?

Excuse me?

My secret admirer. I got your text.

Um...

You... you told me to meet you

and that someone is into me here.

What the actual fuck?

So there's no secret admirer?

(CHUCKLES) I think I can help answer that.

ANNOUNCER: And let's welcome to DUMBO Hall, Charli XCX!

-Shouldn't I just go? -Not yet.

You want her to react?

Follow my lead.

♪ ("LIGHTNING" BY CHARLIE XCX PLAYING) ♪

(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ Don't know what to say ♪

♪ One look and then You blew me away ♪

♪ I'm spiraling All over the place ♪

♪ So lifted Got me reaching for grace ♪

♪ Body off the ground ♪

♪ Caught me by surprise ♪

♪ Like seeing shooting stars In the sky ♪

♪ There's danger in the dark Of your eyes ♪

♪ But something 'bout you Brings me to life ♪

♪ Got me here and now ♪

♪ Heartbreak Already hit me once ♪

♪ They say That it won't happen twice ♪

♪ You struck me down Like lightning, lightning ♪

♪ You struck me down Like lightning, lightning ♪

♪ My stupid heart Can't fight it, fight it ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ So tell me what you want And I'ma give it to ya ♪

♪ Like lightning... ♪

AUDREY: Look who's here! My twink prince!

Yeah, of course Rex is here. He goes to our school.

MAX: I'm more interested in what he does after.

Squash at the Harvard Club?

(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah. Squash was definitely involved.

AKI: What are you guys talking about?

-We know about you two. -We saw everything.

REX: Everything? Gross!

Wh-- what exactly do you think you saw?

We saw you go to the doctor.

AUDREY: Mm-hmm. And pick up the dick scurvy.

-MAX: Descovy. -Mm-hmm.

-AKI: Jesus! -Then to The Pleasure Chest

to buy a chest full of pleasure

-for your secret rendezvous! -You followed me?

MAX: It's not my fault he texted you

when I had your phone.

I had no choice but to look, and once I did,

-I had to see more. -Just be honest with us.

We can get through anything if we're honest with each other.

Oh, from the two people who secretly tailed me,

violated my privacy,

and tried to break into my phone?

Is that the kind of honesty you mean?

Yeah, that's what I fucking thought.

(SNICKERS)

What are you laughing at?

How much you just fucked this all up.

Those toys weren't for me. They were for him.

For you.

♪ You took me down Don't mind it ♪

♪ My stupid heart Can't fight it ♪

♪ Uh-uh ♪

♪ So tell me what you want And I'ma give it to ya

♪ Like lightning ♪

-GREYSON DE HAAN: Excuse me. -(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

What the hell are you doing here?

JENNIFER: I was invited.

I thought this was part of the deal.

It is not. If anyone sees you,

it could be the end of the deal.

Dad! Have you no sense of decency or discretion?

-What are you talking about? -I know who she is.

-You do? -JENNIFER: You do?

Yes. I invited you here.

Monet Makeda de Haan.

This is not the time or the place.

I can't think of a better time or place to expose

that Dad's having an affair. Jennifer here is his mistress.

No, she's not.

-Yes, she is. -No, she's not.

-Mom, yes, she is. I-- -No, she is not.

She's both of ours.

(SHAN GIGGLING)

SHAN: Zoya, wait!

So this is what you wanted? It was never about my dad.

You just wanted to get with the only guy

that I've been into since Obie.

That's not it at all. I've just--

I've just been a little messed up lately, and--

And you wanted me to feel as miserable as you do?

Well, maybe I'm miserable

because I'm keeping a fucking secret I shouldn't be!

A secret about what?

You know what? Forget it. Go talk to your fucking dad.

Talk to him about what, Shan?

Or is this just another deflection in a long line of--

Your dad didn't buy your apartment!

Dirty Davis Calloway did.

And your dad has been lying to you and Julien about it

ever since it happened.

I'm s--

♪ You're as cold as ice ♪

Grace. We need to talk.

Uh, you need to back up, bro.

Nobody needs to talk to anybody.

Oh, good, they're here.

You did this? My brother and my mom?

I knew Matías wouldn't be enough.

OBIE: Enough for what?

-Is it true? -What?

Did Davis Calloway buy our apartment?

Z, it's complicated. Let me explain.

What goes on between your father and me

remains between your father and me.

And whoever else you share it with, apparently.

We don't... share her.

So what do you do? You just sit there

-and watch them go at it to-- -Uh! (SNAPS FINGERS)

Your privilege has afforded you the ability

to live your life as a proud, out, young Black woman

in a country where none of those things come easily.

But they come easily for you because of me.

So you have no right to question

how your father and I live our lives,

just like we have never...

questioned how you live yours.

(CHUCKLES)

My only regret is that you chose a public place

to make a mess.

But that is what you are growing into.

A mess.

(SIGHS)

Why on earth was I summoned here?

We took the plane and everything to come to a party?

Mom, I--

And what are you doing here?

This is your daughter's secret boyfriend.

-No, he's not. -I think you're confused.

Yeah, ex... exactly. Grace would never--

-I told you to end it with him. -I did! Tell her.

JAKE BYRON: This is all a misunderstanding.

After a deep dive of Grace's socials

with other grammers' geotags, last week,

when she was allegedly on the campaign trail with you,

she was also somehow at Tacombi.

Ew, by the way. And stayed at The Crosby.

Last week? You said you were with your mom.

-You told me you were with Obie. -OBIE: She wasn't.

GRACE: Luna is wrong.

She has the wrong dates, the wrong information.

George, the GM of The Crosby, begs to disagree.

-Shall I call him? -This is getting out of hand.

-Are you seeing a third person? -No.

Jake, when you came to town last week

for your interview with Columbia,

you stayed at The Crosby, didn't you? I paid for it.

And you promised this wouldn't happen again.

GRACE: Can we please not talk about this here?

-Oh, my God! -Your brother?

-JAKE: We didn't mean to. -(GASPS)

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Wait, Grace. -JAKE: Grace, wait.

-CHARLOTTE: Let's go. -OBIE: What?

Even I didn't see that twincest coming.

-I hope you're happy. -You think I wanted this?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

AUDREY: (SIGHS) We thought you left.

Oh, well, you thought wrong again.

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) Uh, in hindsight,

we may not have gone about this in the best way.

You think?

Okay, you have to admit you've been withholding.

I mean...

No, I know you've been wanting me to bottom,

and I want to. I've just been scared.

It's new to me, and I feel vulnerable.

And I got nervous,

and I got embarrassed for getting so nervous.

So I went to Rex for advice and guidance,

and he told me to practice.

And now, I'm so wildly uncomfortable telling you this.

And the PrEP?

You're Max Wolfe.

We haven't had that conversation yet.

He's right. We haven't.

You know the only people I wanna be with is both of you.

You never said that as a rule.

Consider it said and done.

Yeah, and look, as for the other thing?

We're happy to wait. I mean, there's no rush.

I don't wanna wait. I'm ready.

-Camille de Haan's a cuck queen! -KATE: Don't kinkshame!

I'm not! It's fucking hot.

I feel strangely bad for Monet.

Well, yeah, 'cause her mom called her out in public?

It's gonna be on Gossip Girl in minutes.

At least our shame's only on repeat in our heads.

Th-- theirs is... one click away, forever.

Hmm. You know, I also feel somehow responsible.

Her parents are responsible for Monet, not you.

I always thought the problem was the kids' entitlement,

but that comes from somewhere else.

Mm-hmm. The parents are the true monsters.

The kids are simply modeling their behavior.

But I don't know why it's taken me so long

to really see that.

Oh, you just needed a good teacher to point it out.

I'll, uh, go get the coats?

♪ See the clouds we'll be walkin' on ♪

♪ Coach won't put him in the game, no, no ♪

♪ Rudy baby, I don't feel the same ♪

♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

-Zoya, please! I can explain. Z. -Explain what? What's going on?

Is this about the Grace thing?

You wanna tell her, or should I?

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

GOSSIP GIRL: I told you I was going to break some hearts tonight.

But what I have to share isn't exactly a lovers' quarrel.

They say nothing is stronger than the bond between a father

and a daughter. But we have it confirmed that Nicholas Lott

has committed the ultimate betrayal.

He made a deal with a devil

known as Davis Calloway.

Nothing worse than taking blood money

to keep up with the Joneses.

Tell me this isn't true.

♪ (CHILLED POP SONG PLAYING) ♪

Heavy is the crown?

No wonder Julien shaved her head.

I could've made my parents a New York Post story.

It... it could've ruined their careers.

And for what? I mean... They're just having fun.

Don't ask me. I haven't even seen my parents

since last summer.

What if I don't want to be loved?

Love only exposes you to trouble.

Isn't it better to hate and be hated?

No. Not at all.

Fuck.

I want to be loved.

Me, too. Me fucking too.

GOSSIP GIRL: There's no such thing as a love story.

Because for it to be a story,

it would have to have a beginning, a middle,

and an end.

♪ ("IT'S YOUR OWN BODY AND MIND" BY SUFJAN STEVENS AND ANGELO DE AUGUSTINE PLAYING) ♪

♪ Shall we all talk paternal? ♪

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

♪ Shall we all talk Of the sun? ♪

♪ Everything runs in circles ♪

♪ Everything comes undone ♪

-You ready? -Yes.

GOSSIP GIRL: And love doesn't end.

-It changes. -(MOANING)

GOSSIP GIRL: It grows.

It dims, and it dies.

But even then, it's never over.

It lives in your shadows, waiting to wake you

in the middle of the night...

Zoya? Julien?

GOSSIP GIRL: ...to tap you on your shoulder

when you least expect it.

A splinter you can never get out.

SHAN: Oh, baby. I'm so sorry.

ZOYA: I'm sorry, too.

♪ She's doing her own thing ♪

(BAR PATRONS CHATTERING QUIETLY)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

♪ Doesn't it seem Quite obvious... ♪

I'm so glad you called.

Um, I'm so glad you answered.

I had an absolutely horrible night,

and the only person that I wanted to talk to about it

was someone that I don't know at all.

Is that okay?

I need someone who doesn't know

about all of the shit that I've been dealing with.

Somebody brand new.

Could you be that person?

I'm Graham.

Julien.

GOSSIP GIRL: Each love is a crime that haunts us

and we pile up crimes as we go.

♪ Illuminating all things The same ♪

So much for our non-romantic,

completely unsexy Valentine's Day.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I'll get you some water.

Okay.

GOSSIP GIRL: And while we tell ourselves

we'll never get caught,

we know we always will.

It's only a matter of time

till we commit our next crime.

-And this one, we swear... -(COMPUTER PINGS)

...will be our last.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Spoiler alert, it's never the last.

What the fu--

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪