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(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(SIGHS)

There he is again.

Almost two decades
and he still comes.

So sad.

How you doing, buddy?

Brought you all
your favorite candies.

Come on, Lloyd,
you gotta get over her!

Mary Samsonite
was just a girl.

Besides, she's married.

And even if
it had worked out,

would you really want
ginger babies? Ugh.

Gross.

Man, you gotta
give me something!

(URINATING)

(SIGHS)

Lloyd, I got something
important to tell you.

I can't come here anymore.

I got kind of a serious
medical problem.

(MUMBLING)

It's sort of complicated.

Basically, I'm gonna be pretty
busy for the next few months.

Anyway...

You're in good
hands here. So...

Take care, buddy.

(BABBLES)

Lloyd, did you
say something?

(MUFFLED) I got you.

That's it, kid.
You can do it.

Come on, come on, come on!
Spit it out!

(YELLING) Got ya!

(LAUGHS)

(STAMMERING) What?

You should see the
look on your face!

I got you so good!

(STAMMERING) Wait a second!
(CHUCKLES)

Are you telling me that you
were faking for 20 years?

Uh-huh.

So you mean that you just wasted
the best years of your life?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Out the window!

And you let me come here every
Wednesday for, like, a thousand weeks,

and it was all
just for a gag?

Uh-huh.

That's

awesome!
(CHUCKLES)

I know!

You gotta admit, I totally
had you suckered, didn't I?

Hook, line and sphincter!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, oh. (GROANS)
On! Oh, oh. Oh.

Legs are a little rubbery after
all that time sitting here.

Why don't you
roll me inside?

We'll get the nurse to take
the catheter out of me.
Oh.

I wanna see if my lizard's
still spitting straight.

We don't need nurses for that.
I know how to do it.

But don't you have to...
(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(YELLING)

Oh, God!

That thing's
really taken root!

(COUGHS)
Hey, fellas!

Give me a hand over here.
Si.

(HUFFS)

Yankos los pee-pee.

Are you sure
about this, Har?

Usually, doctors like
to do this sort of thing.

Oh, that's just for
insurance purposes.

On three. Three!

(ALL GRUNTING)
(YELLING)

(HARRY LAUGHING)

You are a fricking
genius, Lloyd!

I mean, nobody else
could have pulled that off!

Eh!
Nobody!

I mean,
the shock treatments,
the partial lobotomy!

That's commitment!
Yeah.

It broke up the monotony.

One thing
I don't get, though.

Why did you play it out
for 20 whole years?

Because it wouldn't
have been funny if
I stopped too soon.

Comedy is all
about timing, Har.

Yeah, but wouldn't it still have been
funny if you quit after 10 years?

Oh, definitely.
But not as!

(BOTH LAUGH)
Whoa!

Pretty bird.

LLOYD: Crap on toast!
Pretty bird.

Is that grown-up Billy in 4-C?
Uh-huh.

Come on, Siskel,
give me a movie quote.

What did they say
in Jerry Maguire?

"You had me at hello."

Um, Titanic?

"I'm king of the world."

(CHUCKLING) Good job!

(SOFTLY) We better
tiptoe past him.

Oh, no, you can't
tiptoe past a blindy.

Their hearing's too good.

What?
Mmm-hmm.

That's just an
old wives' tale.

Like women shouldn't
smoke during pregnancy.

I turned out fine. My mom
smoked like a chimney.

Especially when she was drinking!
(CHUCKLES)

Whatever.
Doesn't matter.

Billy's over
the whole Petey thing.

You should see
his apartment.

He's got the best rare
bird collection in Rhody!

(SCOFFS)

I gotta see this.

Hey, Billy!

I hear you got a lot
of flocking birds.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Is that you, Lloyd?
(CHUCKLES)

Very good.

I didn't think you'd recognize
me after all these years.

So what have you
been up to, buddy boy?

Seen any good
movies lately?

I mean, you know,
like...

On the radio?

What was that?
(SQUAWKING)

Did you just feed
them something?

Relax.

It's just a little candy.

You can't feed
candy to birds!

Their stomachs
will explode!

Even if it's just
a few Pop Rocks?

Are you crazy?
Pick those up!

Pick them up!
All right, all right!

Sheesh.

Well, nice catching up.

See you later.

Not if I see you first!

LLOYD: Ha-ha! Good one!

No, no, no,
it's okay, Siskel.

Daddy's not gonna let him
get anywhere near you.

BOTH: Booga!
(SCREAMING)

See? I told you
that hearing thing

was a wives' tale.
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah!

Hey, who's this?
Ah.

That's Butthole.

I found him out in the
alley a couple years ago.

Why did you name him Butthole?
Oh.

Because of this.

Oh, yeah. Good name.

Totally fits.

I like what you've
done with the place.

(HUMMING)
Nice cappuccino machine.

Who's the astronaut?

Oh, that's my roommate.

Roommate?

You got a new roommate?

I had to get somebody to
pay your half of the rent

while you were
in the hospital.

How's it going,
Ice Pick?

Best day ever. Greatest
day of my life, really.

Pick cooks up
a rock candy

that will
make you dizzy.

Folks come from all over
the city to buy it.

It's burning my eyes.

Must be Cajun style.

So what's this serious
medical problem you've
been blabbing about?

And it better be good.

Lloyd,
there's something...

I've known about
this for a while,

but I didn't
wanna worry you.

Mmm-hmm?
(SIGHS)

I need a kidney transplant.

No way! Really?

Wow.

So what do you wanna
do for dinner tonight?

Wanna hit Haven Brothers?

I could eat the mud-hole out
of a dead skunk! (SNICKERING)

Are you not listening
to me, Lloyd?

Getting a new kidney
is a really big deal.

There's waiting lists,
lots and lots of
forms to fill out,

and if I can't find another
kidney real soon, I'm dead meat.

Yeah, well,

maybe, just maybe,

there's a person out there
who cares about you so much

that said person
would be willing

to give up a little piece of
himself to save your life.

Really, Lloyd?
You'd do that?

Me? (LAUGHING)
Yeah, right! Nice try!

The nerve!
Oh.

I mean, I would,
in a New York heartbeat.

I'm just not a urine match.
(MEOWS)

My wizz doesn't get
all sudsy like yours.

(INHALES) Ow.

Wait. Don't panic.
(YOWLING)

I know exactly
what we gotta do.
(CRASHES)

I don't know
about this, Lloyd.

I haven't been home
in over 20 years.

Come on, Harry!

You need a genital
organ match.

They're your parents.

I'm not gonna go crawling
back to them, Lloyd.

Not after what
they did to me.

What did they do?

They threw me
out of the house.

Why? Just because I
told them I was gay.

Why did you
tell them that?

I was sick of
mowing the lawn.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't see
what choice you have.

You either go home
and face the music

or you suffocate
in your own pee.

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

Okay, let's do this.

All right. Hop on.

Engage super thrusters!

Don't, Lloyd!

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTING)

Pardon me, Harry.

(INAUDIBLE)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Here we are.

Place looks smaller
than I remember.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Lot of memories
on this street.

Yeah.

Remember when we
pulled up on the bike

and parked it
a couple seconds ago?

Yeah, that was cool.

Oh, those were the days.

I remember
one afternoon,

it was the first
day of spring,

the flowers were blooming,
the sun was shining

and you and I
were doing cartwheels

right down that
hill over there.

Yeah, I remember that!

We were in your dad's
Lincoln, right? Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You totally lost it
when I yanked the wheel.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH GRUNT)

Come on! Pick it up!

Show a little
hustle in there!

(BOTH GASP)

Wow. Rong time, Harry!

Oh, sorry.
We'll come back later.

Hey!
No, no, no! I mean,

rong time, no see.

BOTH: Oh.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

HARRY'S DAD:
Where you been?

Come! Come in!

(CHUCKLING) Oh!
Thanks, Dad.

So you see,

my best hope for a donor match
is with a blood relative.

Family.

(CHUCKLES)

Harry, you not touch
your peanut butter.

Oh, that's okay.
I'm not very
hungry, Dad.

(CHUCKLES)
When Harry young,

oh, boy, he loves
the peanut butter.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Three jar a week disappear!

Good to know.

So anyway, which one of you
two's gonna cough up a kidney?

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

What? What was that?
(LAUGHING)

Wait!

I know! You're the gopher
from Caddyshack.

Look at her!
She's got it down!

We love you, Harry.

Do you love
him long time?
(CHUCKLES)

But you know you're
not our real son, right?

You adopted.

Ouch. (WHISTLES)

(GROANS)

(MAKES CREAKING NOISES)

Dad, what are you saying?
(SIGHS)

Sorry, Harry.

We thought you know.

Wow.

What a nut punch.

Don't be glum, Har.

All this means is that your real
parents are out there somewhere.

And I will go to
the ends of the earth to...

Real parents dead.

You're boned.

James boned.

HARRY'S MOM: Harry, Harry.

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(LAUGHS)

(SNICKERING)

No idea what you're saying,
Ma, but right back at you.

Harry, before you go, your
mail piling up for many year.

Oh.
We saving for you.

Huh. Junk mail,
junk mail.

(MUMBLES)

I got accepted
to Arizona State.

Hmm?
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, look at this.

It's a postcard
from Fraida Felcher.

The chick from Cranston?

(CHUCKLING) Ooh!

So, what'd she
have to say?

"Harry, I'm pregnant.
Please call me."

(GASPS) Lloyd,
I'm gonna be a dad!

No way!

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Look at the postmark.

1991.

Do you know what
this means, Harry?

You have a grown kid.
Oh.

With grown kidneys.

But, Lloyd, we don't have
a phone number or address,

or nothing.
And who we fooling?

Even if I find him,
my kid's never met me.

Why would he wanna
give me a kidney?

Are you serious?

After all you've
done for him?

It's the least he can do.

What have I ever
done for him?

You gave him his space.
Kids love that.

I didn't wanna be
a helicopter parent.

And you filled him
with wonder.

Wonder?
Yeah.

Like, "I wonder who
my deadbeat dad is?"

Oh, it's okay, Lloyd.

I've had a full life.

I was a paperboy
for a week.

I fathered a child.

I've seen every episode
of Full House.

(MOUTHFUL) Wow!

Every episode?

Okay, Okay-

So how are
we gonna do this?

If we find Fraida,
we find your kid.

If we find your kid,
we find your kidney.

Simple.

Yeah, but I never even
knew where Fraida lived.

I didn't have a car.
She always had to
pick me up in her van.

Didn't you meet her
through Pete Stainer?

Who?
Pee-Stain!

He'll know how
to reach her.

Yeah, but I haven't talked to
Pee-Stain in a hundred years!

I can't drop by his house
in the middle of the night

and ask him for
some chick's number.

Sure you can!

Oh, okay. But we gotta
be sub-tull about it.

(CHUCKLES)

The word is pronounced
"subtle," Harry.

It's a silent "B."

(GRUNTS)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

What was that for?

You had a gah-nat on you.

Maybe we should catch a bus
to Pee-Stain's house.

We can't. We got the bike.

Oh, that's okay.
They got bike racks on
the front of buses now.

LLOYD: Cool.

(GRUNTING)

Perfect.

That's very convenient.

BUS DRIVER: Hey, guys!

You forgot your bike!

Oh, it's not ours. Somebody
abandoned it in front of our place.

Yeah. Just left it there
double-chained to a tree.

Hey, Har.

You wanna hear the second most
annoying sound in the world?

Sure.

(BELL DINGING)

Yeah, that's
pretty annoying.

No, not that.

(SCREAMING) What the
hell are you doing

ringing our doorbell like that
in the middle of the night?

That! (LAUGHS)

Mr. Stainer. Mrs. Stainer.
Nice to see you.

Harry, Lloyd.

To what do we owe the honor
at this late hour, gentlemen?

We were just wondering
if Pee-Stain

wanted to come out
for some suds.

And maybe have
his ass handed to him

in a couple of games
of Dig Dug.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Lloyd.

Peter is dead.

Yeah, right. Since when?
(BOTH LAUGH)

Since 1991. Remember?

The motorcycle accident?

But I thought
he pulled through.

The obituary said he was
survived by his parents.

Uh, no. He did
not pull through.

Are you sure?

Yes.

LLOYD: Oh, yeah.

You guys are right.
(CHUCKLES)

Anyway. Sorry about
that whole thing.

Pee-Stain and I were
very close friends.

MR. STAINER: Yeah, we know.

You're the one who
sold him the motorcycle.

LLOYD: And if I recall,

I made him a sweet deal.

My bike for his
helmet, straight up.

(CHUCKLING)
That thing was a rocket.

A little squirrelly
on the corners,

but when you got it
on a straightaway...

(IMITATING ENGINE REVVING)
Good night, Lloyd.
Good night, Harry.

That was awkward.

You're not kidding.

When somebody comes
to your door at 3:00 a.m..

put some pants on!
(CHUCKLES)

Hey, wait a second.

That's where
I met Fraida Felcher.

She worked at
the funeral parlor where
they buried Pee-Stain.

Wow.

Think about it.

If I hadn't sold that
crotch rocket to Pee-Stain,

you wouldn't have
a bastard child

who's gonna save your life.

God's got a pretty warped
sense of humor, huh?

Yeah. I bet
he smokes weed.

Otherwise, why would he put our
testicles outside our bodies

where someone
could do this?

(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS) Ow!
(LAUGHS)

Bush club!

(LAUGHS)

What are
you doing, Lloyd?

I'm about to meet my kid!

Sorry, Har.

Bushes like that don't
come along every day.

(GROANS)

Excuse me, sir.
ls Fraida working today?

I'm Fraida.
LLOYD: Oh.

Sorry for the confusion.

We meant your smoking-hot
daughter, Fraida Junior.

There is no
Fraida Junior.

I'm the only Fraida
in the family.

(SCOFFS) That little hottie
must have given us a fake name.

Look, guys, it's me,

Fraida Felcher.

(LAUGHING)
Yeah, right.

Like we'd be fighting over those
blowfish jowls. (BOTH SNICKERING)

No offense.

Harry.

Lloyd.

I'm gonna say
this one more time.

I'm Fraida.

(WHISPERING) Tattoo.

Oh, Yeah?

Then show us your tattoo.
Mmm-hmm.

Because Fraida had a cute
little smiley face on her back

right above
her bikini line.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Well?

Hmm.

It's close.
Mmm.

Oh. Hi, Fraida.

Oh, hey!
How you been?

Have you been
doing yoga?

Yeah, I'm kind of busy. ls there
a reason you guys are here?

Yes.

I just received this postcard
that you sent me 22 years ago.

Talk about snail mail.
(CHUCKLES)

You better come in.

So, did you, uh,
ever have the baby?

I had a daughter. Named her Fanny.
(EXHALES)

You hear that, Har?
A little girl.

Fanny Felcher!
Ow!

Are you all right?
Uh, bad back.

Oh, I have so many
questions for you.

FRAIDA: Like?

HARRY: For starters,
how was the pregnancy?

Was it a tough one? Did
they have to saw you open?

Whoa, Har.
Dial it down!

We're talking about the
miracle of childbirth here.

What my insensitive
friend meant was,

did you have a C-section

or were you able to have
the baby au snatch-urel?

It went smoothly.
(SCOFFS)

So, uh, where is she?

Can I meet her?

(SIGHS)

I gave her up for adoption.

What?

Why? Because I was
broke and scared.

I regretted it
as soon as I did it.

But it was too late.

I'd already signed
away all my rights.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Then a couple years ago

I wrote her a letter.

But she never
wrote me back.

Wait here.

What do we do now?

What do you mean,
"What do we do now?"

I mean, at this exact moment
in time, what do we do?

Harry, don't you hear that?

It's the fat lady singing.

It's over!

I need something to drink.

But...
Harry, enough!

We tried and we failed!

As Vince Lombardi
used to say,

you gotta know
when to quit!

Hey, you should pick out one of
those coffins while we're here.

What if...
Darn it, Har!

I cannot live on this emotional
roller coaster any longer.

I feel bad saying it,
but you're slunk meat.

Here's a picture I found
of my daughter online.

(GASPS)

Or, we could suck it up,

pick ourselves up
by our bootstraps

and go find that little girl!
(CHUCKLING)

(MUMBLES)

Hold on.

You wrote her a letter. You
must know where she lives!

Yeah. I tracked her down through
this adoption search site.

She was raised by
this hotshot scientist.

Why didn't you just go
find her in person?

If she doesn't
want to meet me,

I am not going to
force myself on her.

Maybe she didn't
get your letter.

She got it, all right.

LLOYD: What if we go
track her down for you?

There's no lawsuit
against that.

Are you guys serious?

You'd help me out?

Of course we'll
help you out.

We're gonna need
some wheels.

I'll lend you a car.

Then it's done.

Yeah, using this address
and our superior instincts,

you and your little girl
are gonna be having

a family reunion
in no time.

Cheers!

Whoa! Wait.
Where did you get that?

The Slurpee machine
in the back.

That's embalming fluid.

Oh.

Does it have aspartame?

No.

Cool.

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, guys,
check this out!

(CHUCKLES)

(GROWLS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGH)

What about the blue roads
with the big numbers?

Those are rivers.

They're rivers?
Yeah.

We could get a boat.

Boats are dangerous.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

This is it.

6765 Elmwood.

(SIGHS)

You look nervous.

I am nervous!
I'm about to meet my kid

and I don't know
what to say to her.

That's real easy, Har.

You make a little small talk about
why you missed all those birthdays,

holidays and graduations.

Maybe a couple of dick
jokes to put her at ease.

And boing, you hit
her up for the kidney.

Okay. What if
she says no?

She's not gonna say no.

She's the fruit
of your loom.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(GASPS)

Suck me sideways.

You're the spitting
image of your mother.
(CHUCKLES)

You morons.

This is the return address.

Hers is on the side
with the stamp.

Oh.

But it's still uncanny!
(CHUCKLES)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Oxford, Maryland, huh?

So that's where
my little girl's been
living all these years.

Hey, Har!

Look it.
Giant nutcracker.
(WHIRRING)

Oh.
(CHUCKLES)

(IN DEEP VOICE) I want

your nuts,

Harry!

(CHUCKLES)

Boy, I sure wish I could
have been there for her
when she was little.

Whatever.

That's all water under
the fridge now, Har.

Think of the bright side.

You're finally
getting to meet her

and you never had to change
all those poopie diapers.

That's called being
a parent, Lloyd.

Besides, I changed your
poopie diapers for 20 years.

(LAUGHS)

I totally sucked you in.

Half the time,
it wasn't even my poop.

(CHUCKLES)

I wonder what it would have
been like to raise a child.

Maybe I couldn't afford to send
her to the best public schools,

but I'll bet I would have
been a pretty good dad.

You don't need
training wheels.
You can do this.

Here we go!

MAN: Come on, come on!

(ALL CHEERING)
No way!

That was awesome!

Awesome!

Perfect. Okay.

One,

two,

three.

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, Mr. Dunne.

Hello, Baxter.
How are you?
Good to see you.

Here you go, honey.

Thank you, Mr. Dunne!
Bye, Dad!

Isn't that good?
Mmm-hmm.

LLOYD: Mr. Dunne!

Mr. Dunne!

Hey, Mr. Dunne!

Do you mind?

Bon appétit, kid!

(MUNCHING)

(SQUEAKING)

Lloyd!

What are you doing?

I was trying to
clean off this smudge!

But you know what?

I think it might
be on the inside!
(LAUGHS)

(EXHALES)
(HORN HONKING)

ANNOUNCER: This type
of evening always provides

nonstop surprises.

Ah, look who's arrived.
Tom Brady

with his gorgeous wife,
Gisele, by his side.

Doesn't she look radiant?
Tom's in agreement, I think.

Now that is hot.

Yep-

That's why he gets
all the girls.

(TURNS OFF TV)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

It sure would be nice.
(EXHALES)

What would be nice, Lloyd?

Oh! You know,

if she introduced me to
one of her hot girlfriends.

(CHUCKLING) Girlfriends.

She's 22!

So?

So, that's a lot
younger than you.

Don't worry,
when we get home,

I'm gonna fix you up
with someone your own age.

My age? Gross!

I mean, what would
we talk about?

I don't know.
Same stuff you talked
about in high school

when you took chicks down to
Oyster Swallow Cove.
(LAUGHS)

Oyster Swallow Cove.

There's a trip down
Mammary Lane.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Oh, crap!

We gotta get
back to Providence!

What? Why?

Remember I told you
Ice Pick had to make

that rock candy
run down to Maine?

Yeah.

I forgot to get someone to
feed Butthole. (SCOFFS)

Relax. I took care of it.

You did?

Yeah. Billy in 4-C's
gonna feed him.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, great!

Did you give him the key
to our apartment?

No.

You think
I want wheel
marks all over the rug?

I just wrote him a note,
left some food

and threw Butthole inside his
place when we were leaving.

But, Lloyd, Billy has over a
hundred rare birds in there!

So?

They're not gonna mess
with a 30-pound alley cat.

(CHUCKLES) Sheesh!

Hey, gang! I'm home!

Guys?

(WHISTLING)

You sure are quiet.

(PARTS)

(SQUAWKS)
Speak to me, Siskel.

The horror! The horror!

(HORN HONKING)

Are you sure you
don't wanna come, Dad?

It's not gonna be nearly
as much fun without you.

Oh, of course
I wanna come, monkey,

but it's out
of the question.

(COUGHING)

I'm way too
flu-ey to travel.

But all the geeky science guys
are gonna be so disappointed.

They were finally gonna
get to meet you in person!

PINCHELOW: So sorry, honey.

Ms. Pinchelow,
your car is here.

PENNY: Thanks, Travis!

Okay!

Take care
of my dad, Adele.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa!

Penny, do you have the
speech I wrote for you?

I do.

Good. Oh!

I almost forgot.
There's one more thing.

I want you
to take this box

and personally give it to the head
of the conference, Dr. Walcott,

and say how sorry I am
that I can't be there.

Got it.

Oh, what's in the box, honey?
Mmm.

Just a small gift.

Wow, Penny.
You're giving a speech?

Oh, it's only a couple of
sentences on the last day,

but then I'm picking up
a reward for my dad.

Award, honey.

Did you remember
to bring the ATM card
I gave you?

Yes. But what's
my PIN number again?
I keep forgetting.

It's 11-11.

I thought it had
to be four numbers.

There are four numbers.

One-one-one-one.

(HORN HONKING)

Time to go!
Come on, Penny.

(BARKING)

Aw!

Are you smiling at me?
Are you smiling at me?

He's a good boy!
Yes, he is!

Let me see
your purty teeth!

Oh! Say it,
don't spray it!

(CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

We're almost there.
The guy told me to
get off at the next exit.

Shh. They're picking
the lottery balls.

ANNOUNCER: Here's today's Mega-Lottery
picks, worth 34 million dollars.

The first number is 44.
The next is 2.

38, 24, 21 and 54.

Cripes! I was so close!

I had all the right numbers,
but in the wrong order.

PINCHELOW: Honey,
my stomach is killing me.

Can you bring me
some more Pepto?

I'm making you some
nice warm oatmeal.

It will settle your tummy.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

What are you doing?

I'm fixing lunch
for my husband.

That's not enough.

(SCOFFS)

We gotta pick up
the pace a little bit.
We want him dead

before Dumbelina gets back from
that egghead convention, remember?

Slow it down.

If we put too much in at once,
it could show up in an autopsy.

Not this stuff.

I got it from
my twin brother.
He's Special Ops.

It's totally undetectable.

Now come on.
Let's hurry this up.

That way we have a few
extra days to ourselves,

to enjoy our inheritance.

Oh, there's gonna be
plenty of time for that.

Five million dollars buys
a lot of champagne.

(MOANING)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(WHISPERING)
Give it to me.

(SIGHS)

(MOANS)

You like that,
don't you?

Yeah. It's all right.

(MOANS)

I'll be honest.
It's not my favorite thing.

(DOORBELL DINGING RAPIDLY)

Who the hell is that?

Boy, this is quite
a shack, huh, Har?

Yeah, but I bet if you pulled
the weeds off the walls

and slapped up
some aluminum siding,
it wouldn't be half bad.

Yeah. Those things
are rat ladders.

ADELE: Please stop that.

There's a very sick man in
here who's trying to rest.

I'm sorry, lady! We're
looking for Fanny Felcher!

The one with the kidneys.

Is she there?

There is no one here
by that horrible name.

Now go away.

Is this 6765
Elmwood Avenue,

Cranston,
Rhode Island?

ADELE:
You're in Maryland.

(GROANING)
The side with the stamp!

(STAMMERING) I mean, uh,
is this 1111 Foothill Road?

That's right.

But there are
no Felchers here.

This is the Pinchelow
residence.

Wait a second.
My friend Harry here

gave his daughter up for
adoption 20-something years ago

and we were told this
is where she lives.

It's kind of a medical

emergency
that we find her.

As long as she
doesn't have AIDS.
(INTERCOM BEEPS)

PINCHELOW: Adele, darling,
whoever they are,

they must be
talking about Penny!

She was adopted.

I'll see them.
Let them in.
(INTERCOM BUZZING)

What the hell was that?

That's exactly the kind of
random crap we don't need!

Relax.

Would you like some
hot tea with lemon?

Oh, no. I can see
why you might think that.

Two gentlemen
traveling together.

But we're straight.

PINCHELOW:
I must tell you, Harry,

this is an unexpected treat.

Yeah! Me, too.

You know, I always wondered what
Penny's natural father was like.

When my late wife
and I adopted her,

we weren't given much information
about her birth parents.

We were only told
that her mother was single
and that she was...

You can say it, dear.

She was rumored
to be a titanic whore.

That's a lie! Fraida never
stepped foot on the Titanic!

They must be talking about the
time she did the night crew

on the Block Island Ferry.

(PINCHELOW LAUGHING)

That's good!

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

So, is Penny here?

Unfortunately, no.

She flew out
this morning to El Paso.

She's going to
the KEN Conference.

What? Who's this Ken guy?

No. No.

The KEN Conference
is a symposium

where the year's
newest technologies,

creative concepts
and ideas

are introduced
and discussed.

Wow.

That's the single
most boring sentence
I ever heard.

Adele, what do you say
we call Penny right now

with the news that her biological
father is looking for her?

She'll be so excited.

She might not be as excited
as you think, Doc.

When her mother tried to
get in touch with her,

she sent this
letter right back.

PINCHELOW: Mmm.

That's interesting.

What's that, dear?

Uh, nothing.

She just, uh,
never mentioned it.

But that was
a couple of years ago.

I'm sure she'll appreciate
all the trouble you've gone to

to find her.
Let's call her.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

It's ringing!
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

(BEEPS)

(WHISPERING)
Whoever this is,

we're in the middle of
something really important.

Can you call back later?

No, I can't
call back later.

I have something to
tell you that might freak
you out a little bit,

but this is your dad.

(WHISPERING)
What? Hold on.

Hey, guys, I know
this is weird timing,
but I gotta take this.

It's my dead dad.

She's got me on hold.

Dad, what did you do with
all those Penthouses?

Did you throw them out?

No, they're under
my mattress. Why?

You idiot,
that is Penny's phone!

Oh.

Oh, no. No.

No! This is awful!

She forgot the package!

What are you doing?
You shouldn't be up!

Just relax. We can
overnight it to her.

No! No. We can't.

The culmination of my
life's work is in this box.

It's much too
valuable to ship.

(STAMMERING) I thought you
said it was just a gift.

Oh, it is.

A gift to all humanity.

I wanted it to be
a surprise, Adele.
(EXHALES)

That's why I was unveiling
it at the KEN Conference.

Wow.

Something like that's gotta
be worth millions, huh?

Try billions.
Billions?

PINCHELOW: Oh, yes.
But I won't get a dime.

It would be morally wrong
to profit from this.

Huh?

This box contains one
of the most important

discoveries in
human history

and all mankind deserves
free access to it

and that is why
I have relinquished

all proprietary rights.

Wait, when did
you do that?

It's all in the speech

that Penny's going to read
at the award ceremony.

Oh, my God,
that's so nice!
(CHUCKLES)

What in God's name?

You guys sounded busy,
so we built a couch-fort.

You wanna come in,
Dr. P?

Sorry, no girls allowed.

Boys rule, girls drool.

(LAUGHING)

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

Why don't we have
Harry and Lloyd

hand-deliver the box to Penny?
(GASPS)

That way Harry will get to
meet his daughter in person

and you'll be assured
the box gets there safely.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERING)
Are you insane?

You think I'm just going
to hand over my invention
to these 10-year-olds?

Oh, don't you worry. We'll
have Travis go with them.

He won't let anything
happen to the box.

And he will lead
them straight to Penny.

LLOYD: You can
count on us, sir.

Our word is our bond.

(IN DEEP VOICE)
James Bond.

(YELLS)

(BOTH GIGGLING)

I'm going with them?
Why the hell did
you tell him that?

Do you not realize what
just fell into our laps?

Our five million just
turned into a billion.

LLOYD: What's wrong
with this thing?

Yeah, but he said he was
gonna give it all away.

Not if we get to Penny before
she reads that speech.

LLOYD: Hey,

when is this
KEN thing, anyway?

It actually starts today,

but Penny doesn't give her speech
until the night of May 2nd.

So that gives us...

How many days
are in April?

"Thirty days
have September,

"all the rest
I can't remember."

Must be 31 because
nothing rhymes with August.

LLOYD: No,
I think it's 32, Har.

April's a leap month.

31.
32.

31.
32.

31.31,1,1,1!
2,2,2!

30! There's 30!

Thank you!

You said 31.

Yeah, but I was closer.

TRAVIS: Hey, guys,
where's the box?

What box?

The box with the billion-dollar
invention in it.

Lloyd, what did you
do with the box?

Me? You had it.

No, remember we stopped
at that truck stop

and we were kicking
field goals with it

out in that parking lot?
LLOYD: Yeah.

I remember I kicked one
over the telephone wires,
and you said...

You know what,
you're right.
I did have it.

Look at that!
(HARRY GASPS)

(SING SONG)
I just saved humanity!

You know what? Maybe I
should hold on to that box.

I don't think so, mister.

Dr. P encrusted that to me.

And I'm gonna make sure
it gets to my daughter,
safe and sound.

Yeah, well, you're doing
a great job so far.

You guys wanna play
"He Who Smelt it"?

Yeah.

What's that?

It's complicated,
so pay attention.

We put the windows up,
first one who smells
a fart gets a point.

If you say who dealt it,

double points.

But if you say
you smelled a fart

and nobody farted,

like if we were just passing
a slaughterhouse...

False fart!

...you lose a point.
And you can't smell
your own farts, either.

Are you guys kidding?
No! No!

I'm not gonna sit around
sniffing your farts like
some kinda truffle pig.

Forget it!
(CHUCKLES)

Okay, fine. Lloyd and I
will play one-on-one.

Yeah, head-to-head.

How can you
play one-on-one?

If you smell a fart,
and you didn't do it,

isn't it obvious
the other guy did?

I thought you said
you never played before.

Yeah. Sounds like
he wrote the rulebook.

I think we might have
a hustler here, Har.

Uh-huh.

What are you doing?

I forgot.

TRAVIS: Uh, you know what?
I'm going to make a rule.

There will be no fart games
while I'm in the car, got it?

Wow.

Who made you
king of the car?

I know how to settle this.

I'm thinking of a number
between one and three.

Whoever guesses it
gets to be king of the car.

One!
No.

Three?
Nope.

Okay, what is it?

Two.

(GROANS)
(YELLING) I swear
I was gonna say that!

All right, so it's agreed,
I'm king of the car, right?

Fine.

Excuse me,
Your Highness,

would you grab me
a Slim Jim
out of the back?

One of the long ones.

TRAVIS: Yeah.
(GRUNTS)

(BOTH FARTING)

TRAVIS: Oh, hey,
what the hell?

On, God! Hey!

No! Hey!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

What is that?
Oh, God!

(GROANING)

Look, Harry.

He's hooked on crack.

(LAUGHING)

TRAVIS: For the love of God,
have mercy!

HERBERT: Hello, you've
reached Herbert Felcher

at Felcher and Felcher
Funeral Parlor.

Please leave a
message at the beep.
(BEEPS)

Hi! This is a private
message for Fraida Felcher.

Would you please tell
Fraida that Harry called?

Harry Dunne.

The guy who knocked her up
20-something years ago.

Um, pleasure finally
meeting you all,
by the way.

Anyway, would you tell her that
I've located our daughter.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

She's at a thing called the
KEN Conference in El Paso.

The town named
after the bean dip.

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, that's sweet!

Bye, Grandma!

(IN MAN LY VOICE)
Have fun, sweetie.

WOMAN: Now,
there's a real man.

I bet you he don't
pee sitting down.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Don't touch that joystick!
(STRAINING)

(AIR HISSING)

(BOTH GASP)

STUDENT: Wow, look!

Let my people

go!
(ALL SCREAM)

Harry!

(GRUNTING)

It hurts, Lloyd.
It hurts so bad.

Which one hurts, Harry?
This one? Or this one? (GROANS)

Stop it! Lloyd, please,

save my daughter.

And then

I want you to bone her
like a chicken cutlet.

You hear me, mister?

(GASPS)
(CHOKES)

(ALL GASP)

(SCREAMING)

Huh?

(ALL GRUNT)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)

(GASPS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Looking for these?

(LAUGHS)
(SNIFFLES)

(CHOKING)

(WHISTLES) Oh!

What are you doing?

Oh. Uh...

She's all clean, sir.

You're good to go.

(MUTTERING)
Nutcase.

Hey, guys.

(SPITS)

(SIGHS) Let's call
a truce, huh?

I think we got off
on the wrong foot.

I don't wanna argue with you guys
all the way down to El Paso.

So what do you say?
Peace?

Come on, bring it in!

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, why not?

Hmm.

Okay-

Hey, all right. All right,
that's good. Mmm...

All right, all right, all right.
Aw.

Hey! Have you guys
ever played "Funnel Nuts"?

What?

Oh, come on. You guys have
had to play Funnel Nuts.

This is the best game
ever invented.

Check it out,
you take the funnel,

you put it in the front of
your pants like that, right?

Okay? Then you put a peanut
on your nose like this,

and then when
you're ready...

No way!

You gotta be kidding!

That's not right!
(TRAVIS CHUCKLES)

The person who gets
the most nuts wins.

Now, who's gonna
play me first?

I'll do it. I got it.

This is mine!
You always go first!

I got it first!

Guys, hold on,
all right? Look.

You guys play each
other first, and then
I'll play the winner.

All right.

All right.
Here you go.

Take your time.
It takes time.

Get a good balance
on that.

Okay.
Look way up high.

Good. Okay,
keep looking at the sky.
When you're ready.

Now don't drop it
until you're ready, guys.

I got it!

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

That's weird.
Ooh!

The smell of peanuts makes
my weenie cold.
Ooh!

It shrank mine.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh!

Hey!

(CHUCKLING)

Do you believe that?
Did you see what he did?

It's on!

Oh, yeah.

He's going down!

Right after we finish
playing Funnel Nuts.

(WHISPERING) Shh. Don't wake him up!
I know.

How many did you
put in there?

Just enough to get
a rise out of him.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

(SNORING)

(FIRECRACKERS BURSTING)

(SCREAMING)

No! Oh, God!

No! Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

Oh, my God!

Wait, Lloyd. I think
he might be hurt.

(GROANING)

Man, you okay?
It was just a goof.

Yeah. By the way,
we're even.

I want them dead, now!
Now! Do you hear me?

ADELE: (WHISPERING)
Calm down.

No! No, I can't
take it any longer!

(EXHALES) If you don't
let me kill them now,

I am quitting,
and I mean it!

Okay. Give me
some time to think.

I'll come up with a plan.

Plan? You don't need a plan!
These guys are morons!

Besides, I told you,
my brother's in Special Ops.

I know how to
get stuff done!

All right.
But make sure nobody
knows they paid us a visit.

I don't want this
coming back to us.

God, shut up!
(BEEPS)

I wonder what's
in this sucker.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

That thing is worth
a fortune! Be careful!

Give it to me.

It would be nice to know
what's in it, though.

I've been racking
my sack about that.

I have a theory.

(CHUCKLES)
Oh, yeah?

He said it was something
that would help everybody
in the world, right?

Yeah.

I think it might be
a baked potato.

How does a baked potato
help everybody in the world?

That's the only part
I haven't figured out yet.

You'll get it, Lloyd.

We should pick up some sour
cream and chives, just in case.

Do you guys have any
idea where we are?

Not really.

You're the one who told
us to take the shortcut
off the highway.

Yeah. It's like you wanted to get
us alone, so you could kill us

and take
the billion-dollar box.

But what would
be the motive?
(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

I better get a map
out of the bag, huh?

Sure.
Okay.

TRAVIS: So, guys, who else is
helping you look for your daughter?

HARRY: No one.
LLOYD: Mmm-hmm.

TRAVIS: Nobody?

Not even some friends
to lend a hand?
Mmm-mmm.

Nope, just us.

What about your wives?
LLOYD: Wives?

How stupid do we look?
(CHUCKLES)

Harry?

Easy.

(INHALES)

(SIGHS)

Close one.
Any girlfriends?

Been there, done that.

See, we don't want to be tied
down by anything or anyone.

We don't even have
social security cards.

We sold them for 30 bucks
to two Brazilian guys.

And the good thing
about having no identity

is that you never have to
worry about identity theft.

He can't even be
identified by his teeth

because he's never
even been to a dentist.

And I've never
joined anything. Ever.

That's how you
keep a low-pro.

Yep, there's no actual
proof that we even exist.

LLOYD: If we died,
no one would
even miss us.

We are truly blessed.

(EXPLOSION)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(MUFFLED) What the hell
happened, Harry?

What?

What the hell happened?

(LAUGHING) Whoo!
HARRY: I can't hear you!

So long, boys.
(SCREAMS)

(INAUDIBLE)

We may have been involved in
an alien abduction, Harry.

Is your butt okay?

(GASPING)

Harry!

Holy crap!

He took off on us!

What?

He took off on us.

What?

LLOYD: I can't believe that
douchebag stole our hearse.

I hope something really
bad happens to him.

No, but I tried
ostrich once.

Harry, holy cow.

I'm worried about you.

You're as deaf as a bat.

That's not exactly
how it happened, Lloyd.

Your mother got
into bed with me.

That's it.
We're getting
you hearing aids.

RECEPTIONIST:
May I help you?

Um...

My friend here would like to
visit his sweet ol' grandma.

What's the name?

LLOYD: I'll give you a hint.

She's the one with
the biggest hearing aids.

Ms. Snergle,
your grandson
and his friend are here.

This is stupid, Lloyd!

I'm not gonna steal
an old lady's hearing aid!

(SHUSHING)

Relax!

We're just looking
for a backup pair.

There's gotta be
some around here.

Mikey?

Yeah, Gran.

It's Mikey.

MRS. SNERGLE: Oh, thank
God you're here.

I've got the diamonds.

Did she say diamonds?

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Go ahead, Granny.
Mikey's listening.

I want you to take all the
diamonds with you when you go.

I've been hiding them
from those thieving lawyers.

That's good.

Granny did a good thing!

So, where are the rocks?

They're underneath me.

You mean,
under the bed?

No, under the blanket.
Oh.

(MOANS)

I'm not finding anything.
(CHUCKLES)

Go up more.

Up here?
Keep going.

Did you hide them
inside this turkey?

Yeah, right.

(INHALES)
Wait.

There's no diamonds here!

And you're not
my grandson!

Harry, she's got me.

She's really clamping down!

(GRUNTS)

Ahhh!
(GASPS)

(SHUDDERING BREATH)

Lloyd?

(GIGGLING) I think that
was her gran-gina.

That's right!

So you can cross that one
off your bucket list!

(BLOWS)
(BOTH COUGHING)

Hey, Goldfinger!

Here. (CHUCKLES)

You've earned them.
(GIGGLING)

Are you serious?

Travis is dead?

LIPPINCOTT: That's right.

The Kansas state police
informed me this morning.

I thought
you'd want to know.
(SIGHS)

Thank you,
Captain Lippincott.

I know it's never easy to
relay this kind of sad news.

But I want you to know
that your brother, Travis,

was more than just
a handyman to us.

He was

family.
(CHUCKLES)

LIPPINCOTT: Really?

Do you suck the toe jam
off Mommy and Daddy, too?

Um, I beg your pardon?

My brother
told me everything.

(GASPS)

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Look, lady, I know you're
terminating your husband.

I'm the one who supplied
you with the untraceables.

Remember? I also know

that my brother was supposed
to eliminate those two idiots,

but somehow they
turned the tables on him.

Relax.

I'm not here
to turn you in.

I'm here to
help you out.

So how are those
things working?

Not bad.
I can hear you a little.

Here, let me
turn them up.

Honey, would you
like some pancakes?

Yeah, I'd love
some pancakes.

What?
(SCREAMS)

Stop yelling! (GROANS)
I'm not yelling.

Why would you say
I'm yelling?

(YELLING)
This is yelling!

(GROANING)

Harry!

I think I might have
turned them up too high!

Oh, look!
Barbara Hershey Highway.
(CHUCKLES)

Wait a minute.

I think I know
where we are.

Follow me.

Are you sure
about this, Lloyd?

Positive. The kid
worked at the hockey rink
just past the museum.

Come on, Harry!

He drove a Zamboni!

(BOTH GASP)

Oh, my God.
I never thought
I'd see her again.

I don't know if
I told you this, Har,

but that kid kinda porked me when
I traded him for the mini bike.

And he only gave me
a quarter-tank of gas.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(BRAKES SCREECH)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(HORN HONKING)

Yeah!

(HORN HONKING)

(SNORING)

Bush club!

Bush club! Bush club!
Bush club!
(GROANING)

(LAUGHING)

I feel really good, Har.

Me, too!

Really good!

You might want to
step on it, Har!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

(HORN HONKING)

(HORN HONKING)

Wow, look at
all the brains.

(SING SONG) They're
blinding me with science!

Okay, Lloyd. I'm gonna find out
what time this thing starts.

You keep an eye
out for Penny.

Roger that.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is an AMBER Alert.

Has anybody seen this
lovely, delicate angel?

Have you seen her?
Lovely and delicate.

This girl is slammin'.

Oh, yeah, sure,
I know her.

I got a hit.

It's, uh,
Penny Pinchelow.

I met her at
the bar yesterday.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Whoa! Easy, hoser!

We just hung out a little.

Oh.

Do you happen to know
where she is right now?

Yeah, my, uh, friends
just went to meet her
at her hotel room.

They're walking
her over here.

She's giving
a speech tonight.

When you see her,

tell her that Lloyd and her
dad are looking for her.

And get her to
call me on this.

LLOYD: There you are!

I've been looking
all over for you.

Cool!

I just ran into a Mexican
guy who knows Penny.

He said she's on her way!

Come on,
let's get in line.

(SOFTLY) Dressed like this?

Harry, people who come to
these things are smart.

We can't go in there looking
like a couple of goofballs.

Oh, yeah. Let's go buy
some smart stuff.

How's your day?

Living the dream.

Ooh, that mac and
cheese looks good!

Um, I think I'm gonna
need some chopsticks

or a really,
really skinny fork.

You got it.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

It's open!

Hey, Penny!

Hey, Tom!
Hey, Gus!

Hey, uh,
Penny. Um...

What are you doing
in your undies

in front of the room
service guy here, eh?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You don't know him.

Oh, no. Someone told me
this great trick about
how not to get nervous

when you're
giving a speech.

All you do is imagine that
you're in your underwear.

So I've been practicing
all afternoon.

Will there be
anything else, ma'am?

Oh, no.
Just that skinny fork.

Right.

Okay. Burning daylight.

Yeah. Oh! Great news. Your dad
showed up for the conference.

(GASPS) What?
Yeah, Gordy just called us.

He ran into some guy named Lloyd
who was with your father.

They were looking for them out
front of the convention hall.

BARBARA:
Oh, my goodness.

Are you absolutely certain?

And there's no way
you're mistaken?

All right, um, yes,
then I'll have someone

meet him at the
door in a hurry.

(CHUCKLES)
Yes, okay. Goodbye.

What is it?

Dr. Pinchelow is coming.

What? Are you certain?
I thought he was sick!

Apparently he's better.

I just spoke with his
daughter, Penny,
on the phone

and she's headed right
over here to meet him.

Oh, the man didn't even show
up for his Nobel ceremony.

He showed up for us.
Go find him.

Uh, yeah, yeah,
I'm on it.

Lloyd, look!

Penny is speaking soon.

That's so hot.
(CHUCKLES)

ADELE: Is it done?
(SIGHS) No.

Some Canadian douchebags barged
in before I could finish her.

Okay-

You follow Penny, and the next
chance you get, kill her.

I'll take out the guys,
get the box.

What if they have already
gone into the KEN conference?

Not a chance.

The event's been sold
out for over a year,
and the security is insane.

Tickets, please.

No, thank you.

We're not much
for boring speeches.

We just have to make sure that
his daughter gets this box.

No tickie, no entry.
No exceptions.

BARBARA: Have you found
Dr. Pinchelow yet?

No. I don't even know
what he looks like.

This is ridiculous.

How am I supposed to find
the man in this throng

when all I know about him is
that he wears hearing aids?

Great. It's sold out.
I'm dead.

So much for
higher education.

(GROANS)

Relax, Har.

We're gonna find her.
Don't get that dying
kidney all worked up.

Oh, it's not the kidney.

I think I gotta
pinch a loaf.

Pinchelow?
Did someone
say Pinchelow?

Oh, my goodness,
it is you!

You're really here!
I'm Dr. Meldmann.

How was your trip
from Maryland?

Not so great.

Somebody stole our car and he
finger-bombed an old lady.

(CHUCKLES)

Sounds terrible.

We'll take really good care
of you now that you're here.

Uh, would you like
to go into the foyer

for the cocktail reception,
Dr. Pinchelow?

Oh. Yes, Dr. Pinchelow
would love to go

to the foyer for
the cocktail reception.

Yeah, cool.
Let's get ripped.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, this way, please.

I'm sorry, your name is?

I'm his associate,
Dr. Christmas.

Ah, Christmas
like the holiday?

No. (CHUCKLES)
Like the tree.

(DR. MELDMANN CHUCKLES)

May I ask you
a question, Doctor,

and I don't mean
to be insensitive,

but, uh, does Dr. Pinchelow
have Asperger's?

Probably.

I know he doesn't
wipe real well.

Why don't you gentlemen
make yourselves at home.

I'm gonna go fetch the, uh,
director of the conference,

Dr. Barbara Walcott.

She can't
wait to meet you.

Dr. Barbara?
A lady doctor?
Seriously?

Lady doctor, that
always cracks me up.

Yeah, doctor of doing
the laundry, maybe.

Am I right?

(BOTH SNICKERING)

I'll be right back.

What were you
thinking, Lloyd?

Now he thinks
we're doctors.

At least we're
in the door.

Now all we gotta do
is act intelligent.
We'll fit right in.

Okay-

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, barkeep.

How much for a beer?
It's gratis.

Ooh.

That sounds expensive.

Can you give
us a moment?

Lloyd, we blew our money
on the graduation robes.

Maybe we shouldn't drink.

No way.
I need booze, man.

If I meet your daughter
without a buzz on,

she'll think
I'm an idiot.

(HUFFS)

LLOYD: Hey,
wait a minute!

What about
the old Stinkeroo?

(SIGHS) Yeah, I'm in.
(CHUCKLES)

(SCRATCHING)

(EXHALES)

Excuse me, ma'am.
Yes?

This beer smells funky.

Can I have
a new one, please?

What do you mean "funky"?

Go ahead, take a sniff.

(SNIFFS) Ew!

I'll get you a freshie.

Mine is stinky, too.

(GAGGING)

Yours smells even worse!

(CHUCKLES)
I'll be right back.

"Yours smells even worse."

Thanks!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You're really good
at that, Lloyd.

I learned from the best.

Thanks, Mom.

I can't wait to see
what's in this.

Yeah. Hey, Har?
Mmm?

Do you know how long
you have to wait

after kidney surgery
to have sex?

I don't think I'll
have to wait too long.

No, not you.
I meant the donor chick.

What are you talking about?
Okay! Fine!

Let's just drop it!

Here you go,
doctors.

Fresh beers.

And I also brought you some
hydroponically grown goji berries

with vegan barbecue sauce

and some organic
pumpkin chips. Enjoy.

Why, thank you!
Mmm.

BOTH: Mmm.

Mmm.

These are salty.
Mmm-hmm.

Try these.

Mmm.

Yours are super tangy.

I like it a lot.

DR. MELDMANN: Gentlemen.

I'd like you to meet the
director of the conference,

Dr. Barbara Walcott.

And, Barbara,
this is Dr. Pinchelow

and his associate,
Dr. Christmas.

Wonderful. It is a high
honor to meet you both.

Wow. Great accent, doc.
Where you from?

England. Surrey.

Oh, no need to apologize.
That was years ago.

We kicked your butt anyway,
so we're cool with it.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(LAUGHS)

BARBARA: Oh,
you're a leg-puller!

(CHUCKLES) Let's get you
both to your seats.

Professor Garabedian's
KEN talk is about to begin.

Now, the existence of dark
matter is largely inferred

from the gravitational
effect on visible matter

and the gravitational lensing
of background radiation.

We saved two seats for you at
the end of the second row.

Just there.

...because they were trying to
figure out the discrepancies...

You could actually
go in the front.

HARRY: Coming through.
LLOYD: My bad!

Here we go. Oops!

Wow. Is that silk?

(LAUGHS)

That sucks!

That's good. Sorry.

Watch my knee.

We make a better door
than a window, don't we?

(TALKING)

LLOYD: I hope this isn't
your favorite part.

HARRY: There are a couple
of hotties over here.

I got it! (YELLING)
Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

That was easy!

That Dr. Pinchelow is certainly
a fascinating character.

Of course he is.
He's a genius.

Indeed, the Large Hadron
Collider has already shown us

that dark matter
is likely...

Especially when
you eat prunes!

(FARTING NOISES)
(CHUCKLES)

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

(STAMMERING) That dark
matter is likely...

(FARTING NOISES)
(CHUCKLES)

...the missing piece
of the puzzle

that physicists have been
searching for, for years.

BOTH: (CHANTING) Nerd!

Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!
(CROWD MUMBLING)

Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Holy crap!

(CHUCKLING)
Did that come from you?

Dr. Garabedian is a
world-renowned astrophysicist

and many of us are interested
in hearing his findings.

I'm reading his mind. Mmm-hmm.
I'm picking it up, too.

Who is that?

(WHISPERING)
It's Dr. Pinchelow!

Bernard Pinchelow?

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Dark matter is not a joke.
(SQUEAKS)

Your antics are proving
to be disruptive.

Thank you, Dr. Dilbeck,

but Dr. Pinchelow is right.

My dark matter data was insufficient.
(CROWD MURMURING)

What the fuck?

My methods were sloppy.

I'm a hack.
(CROWD GASPS)

(SOBBING)
I'm really sorry.

See?

Eat me.
Suck it!

You wish.
Lloyd. Lloyd.

Thank you,
Professor Garabedian.

That's what the KEN
Conference is all about.

Truth.

But I will ask that
everyone please behave

in a professional
and dignified...

BOTH: Show us your tits!

(CROWD GASPS)

HARRY: Both Of them!
LLOYD: (CHUCKLING) Yeah!

We're just gonna take a short
two-minute break. Thank you!

(CHUCKLING)

Man.

Hey, this is great!

We're learning so much
about dark matter.

(FARTING NOISE)
(LAUGHING)

Yes, indeed.

Uh, I'm sorry,
Dr. Pinchelow,

but we can't seem to find Dr.
Christmas on the roster.

Oh, that's okay.
He's with me.

Due to security concerns everyone
must be on the list to get in.

It's all right, Doctor.

I think I know a shakedown
when I see one.

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna write an IOU
and I'm gonna leave it blank.

Anybody have a pen?

There are no exceptions.

Really?

I'll tell you what, warden.

If I'm leaving,

then my steamed colleague
is leaving with me.

No, he's not.

Quick conference.

(WHISPERING)
What are you doing, Har?

You're killing me!
Lloyd, I can't leave.

Penny is gonna be speaking soon.
I wanna meet her!

What?

How come you get to
meet her before I do?

Lloyd, this is about me.

Me, my daughter
and my kidney.

That's why we're
here, remember?

How can I forget? It's
all you ever talk about.

Penny and my kidney.
My kidney and Penny.

To tell you the truth, I'm
getting a little sick of it.

Wait a minute.

I know what
you're up to, mister.

(CHUCKLING)

You wanna stay because
you're hot for my daughter!

What?
Am I right?

That's insane!

Don't deny it, Lloyd!

You have been
drooling over her

ever since you
first saw her picture.

So what?

I'm not gonna apologize for letting
nature take its course, Har.

I hate to burst
your butthole, mister.

It ain't gonna happen.

It's my job to
protect my daughter.

Protect her?

(CHUCKLING)
Look who's talking!

You're trying to swindle
her out of a kidney!

At least I'm gonna
marry her.

Marry her? No.

You're not gonna marry.
Why not?

No! Lloyd, you are not going
to marry my daughter.

Why? Because she's a tick younger than me?
Get over it.

Age is just a letter, man.

It's got nothing
to do with age!
It's got to do...

With what?

I'm her father, Lloyd,

and, frankly,

I think she can do better.

Oh...

Okay-

(GAGGING)

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Time to go, Doctor.
All right, buddy.

(WHIMPERING) Harry?
GUARD: Let's go.

LLOYD: Harry?

Harry?

Dr. Walcott just
had a wonderful idea.

How would you like
to come with us

and judge the Young
Inventors competition?

Yeah, cool.
Let's judge shit.

Hey! Hey!

So this is what
rock bottom feels like.

Mmm, not that bad.
(CHUCKLES)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(GASPS)

Hello?

(VOICE BREAKING)
Hello? Hello?

(STAMMERS) Hello?

Penny?

I can't hear you,
you're breaking up.

Penny?

Penny! How's this?

(VOICE BREAKING) Just hang on.
Don't go anywhere.

(STATIC)

Can you hear me now?

Yes, I can hear you now.

LLOYD: Good! I can hear
you loud and clear.

This is Lloyd,
your dad's good buddy.

Unfortunately, I don't
have him at the moment,

but, uh, he wanted me to ask you
to find a nice, romantic place

where we can all meet.

No, by "romantic"
I meant convenient.

And it has to be some place
outside the convention center.

(GRUNTS)

The fountain? On Main Street?
In 10 minutes?

Perfect!

Yes!

BARBARA: It's marvelous
to meet you, Mrs. Pinchelow.

I trust you had
a safe journey in?

It was lovely.

Great. We have a seat saved
for you in the front row.

We're just about to introduce
your charming husband.

My husband?

DR. MELDMANN: So let's
give a warm, KEN welcome

to our very
distinguished judge,

Dr. Bernard Pinchelow.

(APPLAUSE)

(WHISPERING) Hi!

Hello!

How about a hug?

Sure!

(GRUNTS)

Oh!

I love hellos.

Oh, me, too.

(GRUNTING)

Wow!

You're really
sweet, mister,

but I'm waiting for my dad and his
friend, so if you'll excuse me.

No, it's me, Lloyd!

Hi, Lloyd, I'm Penny.

On! Lloyd! Hi!
(CHUCKLING)

It's so nice to meet you!

Um, where's my dad?

Uh, he was delayed, so, uh,
he asked me to come by

and entertain you...

(BLUBBERING)

(CHUCKLING)

...until he can
meet up with us.

I think he wanted us
to have a chance to bond.

James Bond.

Great!

Are you hungry? Can I get
you something to eat?

Sure!
(EXHALES)

(CHUCKLING)
Awesome!

Wow!

We can go somewhere nice.

Sounds yummy!

Here, try this.

This is incredible popcorn.

And I know popcorn. I'm the
second-best popcorn maker I know.

All right, I'll take the bait.
Who's the third-best?

I know, right? I've
always wondered that!

(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)

Shrub club!
(LAUGHS)

Sorry!

It's just this game that I play
with my friends back home.

I love you!

What?

Um...

That's a direct quote,
from your dad.

(EXHALING)
"I love you."

His words.

Hey, wait a second.

How do I even know
that you know my dad?

You could be one of
those foreign guys
who always calls me up

and makes me get undressed
in front of the computer

because he lost
his passports and money.

No, no, that's not me.

Look, I can prove it.

I have your cell phone.

Oh, my gosh! No wonder no
one's been calling me!

Oh.

LLOYD: I, uh, plugged
my number in there

in case you need me
late at night.

Oh, and we brought your box.
You left it at the house,
you stupid idiot.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey, you wanna
see something neat?

Okay!

(GASPS)

Wait, are you sure that it's okay
for birds to be eating Pop Rocks?

I mean, you'd think it would
be bad for their teeth.

Nah! That's just
a suburban legend.

Oh.
(GUNSHOT)

Shit!

Spontaneous combustion,
however, totally real.

Oh.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What?
ADELE: You gotta
get back here right now.

One of those idiots
is in the building

and he's pretending
to be my husband!

Why don't you tell them
he's not your husband?

Because I don't even know
what they're up to.

He must be trying
to sell the box.

Just get back here!

This microscopic robot,
or nanobot

can be injected
into the human body

to detect and cure cancer.

(CROWD GASPS)

Interesting.

Can it sing?
(CROWD LAUGHS)

Uh...

What?

They got a large-mouth bass now
that you hang it on the wall.

When you walk past it,
it sings
Take Me to the River.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Are you saying...
What I'm saying is,

you're this close,

but there's a drawing board
you should be getting back to.

Next!
(CROWD LAUGHS)

But it cures cancer.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Ni hao.

Listen to this.

"You will do important
things in the world."

(GASPS)
That's so weird

because I actually want to do
important things in the world.

Wow. That's neat.

Someday, I wanna do
important things, too.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

I'm thinking about
getting new speakers.

Oh.
(SLURPS)

I've always wanted
to go to India

and volunteer at one of
those leprechaun colonies.

I think you mean Ireland.

Oh.

So what does
your cookie say?

"You will have
an amazing romance

"with the person sitted
across from you."

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

It's a good thing
I'm not your uncle.

"And don't be concerned
about the age difference.

"Just shut up
and make out.

"It will all sort itself
out later. You'll see!"

That's ridiculously specific.
Let me see that.

If you don't eat it,
it doesn't come true.

Hey, where's my dad?

Do you know if
Adele came with him?

She's probably the one
slowing him down.

Adele?

His wife.

Harry doesn't have a wife.

Who's Harry?

Your father.

My father's
name's not Harry.

It's Bernard.

Oh, yeah, but I'm talking
about your real dad.

Harry Dunne!

The guy who abandoned you when
you were a little, tiny baby.

You're gonna love him!

Wait a second.

So you're saying we're
supposed to be meeting

my biographical father?

Yes.

Here.

This is a letter from
your real mother, Fraida,
that you sent back to her.

Nice.

"Do not contact again."

This isn't my handwriting.

I don't even know cursive.

"Dear daughter, I gave you
up for adoption 18 years ago

"because I thought it was
the right thing to do.

"I hope and pray I made
the correct decision.

"You were conceived in Rhode
Island on a chilly autumn night

"in the parking lot
at Oyster Swallow Cove.

"We were young and stupid,
especially him."

(SOFTLY)
Oyster Swallow Cove?

FRAIDA: Are you ready, baby?

(BLOWS)

(SNIFFS)

Mmm-hmm.

Whoa! Whoa!

Slow down.

Let's be responsible here.

I brought some protection.

(CLICKS)

(SIGHS)

Let's do this.

(GRUNTING)

"So, if you ever wanna get in
touch, I would love to meet you.

"All my love, Fraida
Felcher, your mom."

That means I'm your...

And we almost...

Lloyd? Are you okay?

(GRUNTS)

I'm sorry, Lloyd, but I gotta
get back to the convention.

I'm supposed to be giving a big
speech for my dad any minute.

But, wait. We have
so much to talk about.

It's an emergency!

It's all a big misunderstanding!
I've gotta go!

(YELLING) Not dressed
like that, you're not!

You're grounded!

(WHISPERING)
Wait a minute.

If she's my kid,

then she's not
Harry's kid,

and he can't
take her kidneys.

What have I done?

Hi, I need to get in.

Credentials, please?

Oh, I'm giving a speech.
(CHUCKLES)

Credentials, please.

What is that?

Is it that thingy that they
gave me to get in here?

I think I've got
it here, somewhere.

Mister, l am appealing to your
sense of God and family.

I got a message
that my daughter,

who I have not
seen in 22 years,

is in there.

The event will be
letting out soon.

After 22 years,
what's another
couple of hours, right?

Okay, buddy.

There's got to be a, uh,

broom closet around
here somewhere, huh?

I'm sure we could
work something out.

I didn't take 34 years
to come out of the closet

just to go back into one

with you.

Okay, this device will give us a visual
rendering of your cognitive processes.

Could you repeat the question?
(CROWD LAUGHS)

This device will show us
what he's thinking

right on this screen.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, really.

STUDENT: Go ahead,
Dr. Pinchelow.

Think of a pleasant memory
from your childhood. (BEEPS)

(SIGHS) okay-

(CROWD GASPS)

(CRACKLING)

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Oh!

YOUNG HARRY: Here, Biscuit!

Biscuit, come here, boy.

(WHISTLING)

The door, buddy.
Get the door.

(CROWD GROANS DISGUSTEDLY)

(SIGHS)

(GROANING)

Oh, okay.

(STUTTERING)

No! This gadget
is way off!

(CROWD GASPS) First of all,
my bedspread was orange.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

Are you okay, honey?

No, not really.

Boyfriend trouble?

No. I need a ticket
to get in

and I lost the ticket that they
need to take, plus, I lost my pass.

And I thought
that I grabbed it,

but when I looked
in my purse,

all I saw was
the toothbrush.
So maybe I took...

Okay, okay, okay-

(SIGHS)

All right.

What's going on?

My father's supposed to be
getting a huge reward,

and I'm supposed to be
making the speech,

and the speech is supposed
to start right now,

and there's no way they'll
let me in without a ticket.

Oh, honey.

There is always a way.

I admit,
it's thought-provoking.

An invention that
ends world hunger.

But, have you
considered this,

where does all
the extra poop go?

(ALL LAUGHING)

What? No.

The point is that
there's no more hunger.

Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.

We're gonna take
a very brief break.

Uh, please stay
in your seats

and we will resume,
uh, shortly.

Why?

We're gonna have
to take a walk.

Come on.
I'm judging.

You're out of here.
Okay!

You're out.

Mrs. P,

what are you
doing here?

Do you always
call your wife
Mrs. P?

Oh, uh...

How you doing, sugar tits?
I missed you.

This man is a fraud.

And that box belongs
to my husband.

He stole it from us.

Hand it over, buddy.

Uh-uh. I swore I'd only
give this box to Penny.

Give me the box!
Here you go.

(ALARM WAILING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

ADELE: What's happening?
BARBARA: I have no idea.

Hey!

Hey, hey!
Get back here!

Out of my way!

Thanks a lot, lady!

It's the least I could do.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(STUTTERS)

There's something
I need to tell you.

(STAMMERS)
You're my...

Okay. The reason
I'm here is...

HARRY: Fraida!

FRAIDA: Harry?
(CHUCKLES)

You made it!
Oh!

Oh, and you found Penny.

Hey, how do you
know my...

Oh! You're Harry?

Yes! And I'm your mother!

(GASPS)

He's got a gun!
(ALL SCREAMING)

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

Why you standing
in the toilet?

So you wouldn't
see my feet.

Why not just
stand on the rim?

There's ball hairs
all over that thing.

I'm not stupid.

Get out of there!
Move it!

Now!

Please don't hurt Penny,
Mrs. P.

She's young and still has most
of her future ahead of her.

Get the box.

Harry! There you are!

(CHUCKLES)
Good thing you're loud.

What are you
doing, Mrs. P?

I'm about to kill you.

Wait, wait, wait!

Can't you kill
someone else?

My daughter, Penny,
needs me now.

What are you
talking about, Lloyd?
Penny's my daughter.

No, Harry, she isn't.
Mmm-mmm.

What?

Why would you think
that she's your daughter?

Because of the postcard.

I was about to be a single
mom and I needed money.

And you owed me 40 bucks

from that stupid
worm farm loan.

LLOYD: It's true, Har.

I'm the deadbeat dad,
not you.

(YELPS)

I'm Penny's baby-papa.

(HOWLS)

But don't judge me
till you see this.

Oh, yeah, like a cooler
of cold brewskies

is gonna make
everything okay!

It's not beer,
it's my kidney!

Your kidney?

I figured

since you can't
get one from Penny,

I'd give it to you myself.

Holy shit.

How did you get this?
(PANTING)

I crossed the border
into Mexico.

Turns out, the medical regs are
a little more chill down there.

Pardon me for bringing this
up, but I don't give a shit!

Yeah, but, Lloyd, she isn't
your daughter either.

Nice try, Fraida,

but Penny
read me the letter.

I know all about
Oyster Swallow Cove,

which is exactly where
you took me in the van!

So?

That was my spot.

I must have taken
hundreds of guys there.

What can I say?

I was a titanic whore.

That's enough bullshit.

Go ahead, Lippincott,
kill them.

LIPPINCOTT: Oh, I will.

But first, why don't
you join them.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What?

You heard me.
Drop it!

Get over there!
Get over there!

You're kidding.
She's on our team now?

Don't do this, Lippincott.

You're a military man.

I know you've got
more integrity than this!

What is this?

Huh?

Two cupcakes?

Actually, there were
four cupcakes, sir.

I ate the two chocolate ones.
Lloyd!

It's okay. I left the
vanilla ones for humanity.

Where's the invention?

Where's the goddamn
billion-dollar invention?

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Put the gun down!
Freeze!

Put the gun down,
Lippincott!

(CLATTERS)

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

Well! Hello.

Dad!

Bernard. Oh, thank
God you're here.

God, and you're okay!

Stop right there.

What?

I appreciate
your concern, Adele,

but it's a little
late for that.

You see...

I couldn't stop wondering

why every time
I ate your cooking,
I was getting sicker.

And then when Harry
and Lloyd showed me

the letter from
Penny's birth mother,

I recognized that
the handwriting

sending it back
was yours.

And the cruelty of this
got me to thinking.

So l laid a little trap,
and lo and behold,
you took the bait

like the toe-sucking
rat that you are.

After you left for El Paso,

I called the FBI to make
sure Penny was protected.

I thought those Canadian
accents were a little shaky.

Yeah? You try it.

But what about
the invention?

It was just cupcakes.

A gift for
Dr. Barbara Walcott

for my having canceled
at the last moment.

This is great, Dad!

Now you can pick up
your Lifetime Achievement
reward in person!

It's "award,"
you stupid bitch!

No!

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

BOTH: Break it up! Get off!

Hands behind your back.
Hands behind your back.
(GRUNTING)

I'm the good guy here!
All right.

(PANTS)

Are you okay, Har?

I think so.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, yeah,
it's just a little graze.

Uh, Har?

You might wanna put
a dab of Bactine on that.

(SIREN WAILING)

Hurry, he's been shot!

MAN: We need a trauma room.

You're gonna be okay.
What have we got?

Gunshot wound,
left shoulder.

Lloyd, the kidney!

Kidney?

Oh, yeah.

Would you, by any chance,
have time this evening

to swap out a kidney?

I'm sorry, sir.
What is this?

It's a kidney.
My kidney.

It's for him,

my best pal.
(GROANING) Ah!

He needs it.

Gentlemen,
this is not a kidney.

What is it?

Better not be my heart.
DOCTOR: No.

I believe it's a pork chop.

In a baggie.
(CHUCKLING)

I wondered why my
kidney had grill marks.

And a bone.

Hey, wait.

Does that mean I still
have all my kidneys?

Let's have a look.

Ah.

I'm going to say
probably not.

That's it.

I am gonna give
that quack an earful

at my follow-up
appointment next Tuesday.

(SOBBING)
I'm sorry, Harry.

I failed you again!

(SNIFFLES)

It's okay, Lloyd.

(SNIFFLES)
I forgive you.

(SNICKERS)

LLOYD: What's so funny?

Got ya!

(MUMBLES)

I never needed a kidney!

(LAUGHS)

What?

Oh, you should have seen
the look on your face!

I got you so good!

(LAUGHING)
(EXHALES)

Wait a minute.

You mean,

I had my kidney removed

in the backseat
of a Toyota Tercel

and you were faking?
Uh-huh.

That is awesome!

(LAUGHING)

That is a good one.

Totally worth it!

Gentlemen, I hate to break
up this Mensa summit,

but we've gotta get this
man's shoulder cleaned out.

Do you remember,
you've been shot?

That was a good
gag, Harry.

(LAUGHING)

But don't you think it still
would have been funny

if you had told me you were kidding
before I lost my vital organ?

Oh, definitely.
But not as!

(LAUGHING)

That's true.

You guys are so cool.

How can I ever thank you
for what you did for me?

Got any cash?

Oh, yeah.

I think
I've got a couple...

Thanks.

Score.

(PINCHELOW LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(PINCHELOW CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, uh...

I'm sure those janitors
will thank us later. Mmm.

We were just straightening
up their broom closet.

FRAIDA: Penny,
wonderful news!

Your father has invited me to
come stay with you for a while,

so we can really get
to know each other.

That's fantastic!

So let me ask you
something, Fraida.

If I'm not Penny's father
and Lloyd's not her father,

then who's her father?

Funny you should ask.

Honey,

how would you like to
meet some relatives?

LLOYD: Mr. Stainer?

Oh, I should have known.

(YELLING)
You horny, old goat!

No, Lloyd!

Mr. Stainer is
Penny's grandfather.

Come on.

So, you mean
Pee-Stain is the dad?

Duh!

(CHUCKLING)

Hi!

Oh...

She's beautiful!

Sweet Jesus,
look at her.

She's got Peter's eyes.

You're kidding!

He donated them?

Hi, Pee-Stain!

Stainy!

Hey, sorry
you got killed!

Let's get you away
from these guys, huh?
Let's go.

PINCHELOW: Yeah.

Guys, there's still one
thing I don't understand.

How could either of you
have possibly thought

that you were
Penny's father?

(SCOFFS) Why wouldn't we?
Yeah!

Because we never had sex.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

(SNICKERING)

You could have fooled us.

Yeah, nice try,
Snow White.

Does the word "hot tub"
jog your memory?

If I recall,

I played with your boobies
for a long time that night.

The motor boat,

the windshield wipers,

the punching bag.

You know, Harry,

you can't get a woman pregnant
by man-handling her breasts.

Oh, really?

Then why did your
doorbells get so hard?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Yeah. And did you forget
about the French tickler,

in the back of the van?

Putting a frilly,
glow-in-the-dark
condom on your finger

is not the same
as having sex.

But what if
I go like this?

(GIBBERING)

No.

Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's
your definition of sex?

(WHISPERING)

No way!

That's just...

Not my mom!

But that's where
she pees!

It's in my head
and I can't unlearn it!

You're bad!

Can you show us?

I call sloppy seconds!

(SIGHS)

Looks like everyone else
ended up with someone.

Yep-

And I got this pork chop.

(CHUCKLES)

So let me get
this straight, Har.

When you visited me in the
nuthouse the last time...

Uh-huh... you knew
about Penny already?

No, I found out about her
when we visited my parents.

But I had finally figured
out that you were faking.

Really? How?
Mmm-hmm.

What gave it away?

A few months ago,
I was changing your
diaper before bedtime

and you just seemed
a little too upbeat.

Lloyd,

even though
it's Christmas Eve,

I want you to know
that there's no place
I would rather be

than right here, wiping
my best friend's dookie.

(PARTS)

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Looks like we got
another stocking stuffer.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING)
I remember that.

That was the night
I had all that eggnog
and lamb, right?

Yeah. Whoa!

Lloyd!

Check out the hotties
at 12 o'clock.

That's almost
three hours away.

Can't I check
them out now?

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SPUTTERING)

Okay, Lloyd,

This time we're not gonna be
stupid and pass up a sure thing.

I hear you, Har.

We'll never get
another chance like this.

Our time
has finally come.

(BOTH SCREAM)

BOTH: Bush club!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, crap!

I ordered a vanilla shake and
they gave me a chocolate one.

Tell me about it. I ordered
a chocolate shake.

Those dopes gave me
a vanilla one.

They do that a lot.

What the hell?

Kick his ass, Seabass!

SEABASS: Arr, the dirty
sons-of-bitches!

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