Original subtitles

(banjo music playing)

♪ ♪

(birds chirping)

(chewing)

(bees buzzing)

(fire crackling)

(bees buzzing)

(metallic clink)

(clatter)

♪ ♪

(bees buzzing)

(growl)

(roar)

(roar)

-(growl) -(thud)

-(crunch) -(wail)

I swear,

if'n you don't learn to share this honey,

I'ma give you a real whuppin'!

Now go on!

(growl)

-(dusting hands) -(sigh)

(goat bleating)

(tap squeaking)

(water bubbling)

(tap squeaking)

MAN: Is the doctor in?

No doubt about it!

What's ailing you, Fat Elmer?

-I ate too much cheese, -(washing hands)

now I can't burp.

Can you fix me, Granny?

(burp, fart)

♪ ♪

(barking)

(dog barking)

(barking)

(gunshot)

(barking)

(splashing)

Dang.

(gurgling)

(boom, whoosh)

(boom)

(whoosh)

(boom)

(boom)

(whooshing)

(helicopter whirring)

(birds chirping)

(bleating)

(metal squeaking)

(water pump squeaking)

(helicopter whirring)

(wind blowing)

(clucking)

-(bleating) -(whinnying)

-Before I sign anything, -(papers flapping)

I wanna know how much money we're talking about.

Mr. Clampett, there's more petroleum in your swamp

than there is in all of Kuwait.

That bad, huh?

Mr. Clampett, you are sitting

on the biggest domestic oil strike in history.

MAN: And when you sign these contracts,

We're going to pay you $1 billion.

♪ ♪

Do you have anybody who can advise you on these contracts?

Cousin Jethro's a-comin' tomorrow night

for Sunday supper, Pa.

He's the one with the learnin'.

He went to school at Oxford.

♪ ♪

(motor rumbling)

♪ Well, in Northern Carolina ♪

♪ Way back in the hills ♪

♪ Left my old pappy ♪

♪ And he had him a still... ♪

-Jethro? -Yes, Ma?

Did you fix those bare-as-bones brakes

-like I told you? -Course.

I pulled them off yesterday.

The new ones are comin' in the mail next week.

♪ Well, the G-Men team ♪

♪ and the revenuers, too ♪

(screaming)

♪ They were lookin', tryin' to book him ♪

♪ but my pappy kept on cookin' ♪

(bleating)

♪ White Lightnin' ♪

♪ ♪

-(screaming) -(wood smashing)

-Jethro! -Howdy, Granny!

You dadblammed, simple-minded yahoo!

Your crackbucket head's emptier than last year's bird's nest!

-(struggling) -(giggling)

-If your head wasn't filled with dunder, -Ow!

you wouldn't know how to blow your nose!

-(giggling) -(yelling incoherently)

Ow! Granny!

Just get outta my sight!

(bleating)

♪ ♪

PEARL: Now, Jedediah,

you're fixin' to be the richest man

in this here county. Look at how you live.

Why, your land's overrun with snakes and skunks.

(laugh) You've got no TV,

no telephone, and no radio.

JED: You're right, Pearl.

We are a-livin' in paradise.

(laugh) No, Jed! Paradise is some place like...

Beverly Hills, Californy.

JETHRO: They got swimmin' pools.

-Mm-hmm. -And movie stars!

And smog.

What's a smog?

(theme from "Jeopardy!" plays)

I reckon it's a small hog.

-(twang) -Now if you're not gonna think about yourself,

-think about your daughter. -(bleat)

You need to get remarried, Jed,

and she needs a mom,

someone to teach her womanly ways.

-(snickers) -She's running wild, Jed.

She's no different than a boy.

JETHRO: Imagine that.

Elly May wearing fancy dresses

and acting ladylike. (laughs)

Well, that don't sound like much fun.

JETHRO (sing-song): Ah ha ha ha ha!

-(thunk) -Ooh! (laughs)

♪ ♪

-(door slams) -Beverly Hills...

(grumble)

PEARL: Listen to what I'm saying, Jed.

It would be the best thing for y'all.

Just pack up all your belongings,

-and move on out there. -(bleat)

Why, Jethro could drive you out in his truck.

(thud)

I ain't drivin' in no movin' vehicle

with no dunderhead!

-I ain't no dunderhead. -(door opens)

Come on, put me down.

-(slams fork) -Set him down!

(grunt)

PEARL: See what I mean?

JED: Who are you, mister?

Ozark mountain oil.

Mr. Briggs sent me to see if you'd signed the contract.

-PEARL: Oh, my. -Elly May Clampett.

♪ ♪

Well, that's it.

I've made my decision.

For the good of this here family...

I'm a-movin' us to Beverly Hills.

(woof)

♪ ♪

Now...

don't you worry, Elly May. (chuckle)

(chicken clucking)

We gon' take good care of your critters for you.

Ok, Sam, I know you will.

(crying)

(blows nose)

Oh, Ma...

(running)

What's all this I hear about

you not wanting to go to Californy?

I like it here.

Say what you will,

but there ain't nothin' you can do

to get me off of this rockin' chair.

(chair squeaks)

I ain't goin' nowheres!

Cut me loose!

Jedediah Clampett, I'm gonna to skin you alive!

Hush up, Granny.

Get goin', boy, before she breaks loose.

-(gunshots) -GRANNY: I ain't a-goin'!

♪ ♪

♪ Come and listen to my story ♪

♪ About a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

JETHRO: Watch your head, Granny!

(smash)

♪ Well, the first thing you knowed ♪

♪ Old Jed's a billionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said ♪

♪ Jed, move away from there ♪

♪ Said, Californy is the place you oughta be ♪

♪ So, they loaded up the truck ♪

♪ and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimmin' pools, movie stars ♪

(cars honking)

Why are so many people in this here town?

It's gonna take a long time to meet everybody.

(horn honks)

Hey, nice wheels, buddy.

Jethro, why do you think

that feller's pointing at us?

-(laughing) -(honking)

I reckon that's the way they wave howdy in Californy.

-(ding) -Has, uh...

Uh--uh! Excuse us.

Has, uh, escrow closed on the Clampett estate?

Yes, Chief, with an offer of 22 million cash,

it closed swiftly. And I must say,

it is inspirational how you happened to find

a place for the Clampetts, right next door to your own.

Hathaway, the people who lived there were

my best friends and neighbors for over 20 years.

-It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy. -Yeah...

I just hope my call to the IRS

didn't have anything to do with it. Well...

(click)

(sigh)

(office chatter)

Now, um, what time does their flight arrive?

That's just it, Chief.

-They're driving. -Driving?

From Arkansas?

HATHAWAY (on intercom): I know, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Not to you, perhaps,

but to men with vision, like myself,

That is a sign of daring,

self-confidence,

-vigor. -Of course, Chief.

(laughing on intercom)

HATHAWAY: Hmm, doesn't he look busy at work?

(sigh)

-Tyler. -Aah!

Would you step in here for a moment, please?

Oh!

(smashing)

(woman screams)

Jeez. I...

WOMAN: It's an earthquake!

-TYLER: Oh my God... -Aah!

(scream, grunt)

(smashing)

(clears throat)

(thudding)

You wanted to consult with me?

Well, sit down, Tyler. Relax.

I have heard that you are quite excited

about the arrival of the Clampetts.

I think that you and I, together,

can fully exploit the potential

of the Clampett financial portfolio.

Hmm...

You and I.

The two of us. (chuckle)

I've already taken the liberty

of drawing up the power of attorney papers.

Have you now?

So I can write checks, arrange investments,

make international transactions,

really work the Clampett account.

Hmm. We'll be quite the team, sir.

Hmm...

-(kicks chair) -Ay!

(thud)

Tyler, you will personally rescind,

shred, and burn every paper you have drawn up

with regard to the Clampett account.

I'll be handling that account personally.

Duly noted.

And nice kick, sir.

Took me completely by surprise.

Tyler...

The Clampetts will not be badgered.

Sir?

They're not your common garden variety millionaires.

They are, in fact...

billionaires.

By definition, people of, uh,

discrimination,

discernment,

great refinement.

(car horns honking)

JETHRO: Boy, howdy!

(cackling)

♪ ♪

Hey! Jethro,

we's supposed to go thataway.

-(tires screech) -(cars honk)

(tires screeching)

(crash) (engine revs)

-MAN: Hey! -(honks horn)

You cut us off, you bunch of nothings!

♪ ♪

That's real nice, son.

This here's what I carry.

Okay. Go! Go! Go!

(engine revs, tires squeal)

Margaret?

TV Show: ...dismiss their court cases, and have their dispute settled here...

Morgan, come in here a minute, please.

(TV theme song)

Hi. I'm Doug Llewelyn,

And welcome to The People's Court.

Where is your mother?

She's changing.

That would be too much to hope for.

-Ah. -Milburn, I'm sorry.

I have to cancel our lunch.

What?

Well, I have to spend more quality time with Babette.

Uh, Margaret dear,

we are trying to do more things together.

Put the spark back, remember?

You claim the, uh, defendant has your dog?

Um, well, actually--

-Yes or no? -Yes, we do.

Morgan? Morgan?

-JUDGE: It's your dog? -MAN: Yes.

I raised this dog from a pup, and due to--

(turns off TV)

(sigh)

Morgan...

I have a little job for you.

-A job? -Yes.

J.D. Clampett has a daughter your age.

Now, she's going to high school with you.

I want you to show her around.

Just be her friend.

Oh, man, you wanna pay me to hang out with her?

She must be a major bow-wow.

Son...

(sigh) Look...

Close your eyes.

No. Close your eyes.

Now, picture this.

-I cut off your allowance... -(gulp)

-cancel your credit cards... -(gulp)

-and delete you from my will. -(gulp)

Now, how do you see your future?

Grilling frozen cow parts at Burger King?

And people say you're stupid.

(both chuckle)

Monday morning, first period,

8:00 AM, she'll be like the little sister

Mom thought would ruin her figure.

(chuckle)

JUDGE: So, the dog will go to the plaintiff, Rusty.

(whining)

(sigh)

♪ ♪

(spraying)

(squeaking)

Honey, I'm home.

(closes door)

Now why don't you come here,

and give your little embezzling cowboy

a ride around the bungalow?

No. Why not?

'Cause I'm still living in this dump

when I should be living in a mansion

in Beverly Hills.

Laura, sweetheart!

TYLER: Bungalows 3A, 3B, and 3C

are in Los Angeles. We live in 3G,

which technically is in Beverly Hills.

You're all talk, Tyler.

You said we'd have enough money this month

to buy me that little baby sealskin coat.

We will.

Promises, promises.

Sweetie, we will!

J.D. Clampett, the billionaire,

just opened up an account at the bank.

Who is this Clampett guy?

If he's so rich, how come I've never heard of him?

Babycakes,

this guy's got more money

than he knows what to do with.

Now, that's a problem I think we can help him with.

♪ ♪

GRANNY: Stop the car, Jethro!

There's a fresh kill in the road!

Can't just leave it there!

You're right, Granny.

Road-kill stew sounds mighty good right now.

-(tires screech) -Oh!

-(horn honks) -Oh, no, you don't,

you old coot! I seen it first!

-Milburn, call Westec security. -GRANNY: Well, I...

I'm sure there's enough for us all.

Eew! How revolting.

(honk)

JED: Easy now, Granny.

They're probably just bein' neighborly

like them nice folks we met on that extry-wide road.

Well, let's give 'em a Californy howdy.

-ELLY MAY: Howdy, y'all. -JETHRO: Howdy!

-(slap) -Milburn!

MARGARET: Did you flip me off?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(glove squeaking)

(squeak)

(rattle, bounce)

♪ ♪

You reckon we're at the wrong spot, Uncle Jed?

JED: Could be. Don't know.

It's the right address, Pa.

Whee, doggies.

(barking)

(birds chirping)

ELLY MAY: The whole place looks brand new!

Hey, Uncle Jed, there's a whole 'nother house up here!

(barking)

JETHRO: This is a big ol' house!

ELLY MAY: Why do you reckon they got two sets of steps?

Shoot, that's easy.

One's for goin' up,

the other's for goin' down.

Oh.

♪ ♪

-(gasp) -(pats leg)

What a purty critter!

Hello, police? This is Ms. Jane Hathaway.

I wish to report the unlawful entry

of a gang of armed and dangerous hooligans

at the Clampett Estate, 518 Crestview Drive.

I need you here code 3, and I...

-(clicks stopwatch) -will be timing you.

-I think you got you a new friend, Duke. -(grumble)

Cease and desist!

Everyone! If I were you, sir,

I would yield, submit, and capitulate.

What are you desperadoes doing here?

Well, it's a mighty long story.

But, he don't mind tellin' it!

Pa was a-huntin' one day with old Duke...

And Duke spotted this big old jack rabbit.

So, I throws up my gun, and I takes my aim--

Oh! Don't shoot!

Pardon, ma'am?

(sirens)

♪ ♪

(click)

HATHAWAY: 2 minutes and 46 seconds. (chuckle)

POLICE: Go, go, go!

(police chatter)

(police chatter continues)

OFFICER (on megaphone): Attention inside!

You're surrounded!

Drop your weapons and file out one at a time.

Don't shoot! Oh-- They've taken me hostage!

OFFICER: Attention inside!

Drop your weapons and file out one at a time.

This is the Beverly Hills Police Department.

Told you this weren't no house.

You heard him! It's the police department!

OFFICER: This is your last warning.

Alright. Fire one in.

(bang)

ELLY MAY: Look!

They's a-playin' kick the can!

(hissing)

(indistinct chatter)

(coughing)

♪ ♪

(yelling, coughing)

(door slams)

I knew we shouldn't have never left home.

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

OFFICER: Right this way.

We've ID'd them all.

Excellent.

We want the wheels of justice to spin quickly.

HATHAWAY: These criminals must be prosecuted and incarcerated

before our client finds out what happened.

Exactly!

The reputation of Milburn Drysdale is at stake.

(chuckle)

Would everyone turn to the right, please?

(MILBURN chuckles)

Pathetic.

Now we have, starting on the left,

a Jedediah Clampett.

♪ ♪

-Then, next to him, his daughter Elly May. -Huh?

DRYSDALE: Huh?

And a Daisy May Moses,

-a.k.a. Granny. -Huh?

-(gasp) -And a nephew,

Jethro Bodine.

DRYSDALE: Oh...oh...

And some woman involved in a drive-by slapping.

DRYSDALE: Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

Ah... ah!

-Oh, Chief! -Oh, no!

-Chief, are you okay? -Oh!

-Chief, quickly, say something! -Ah...

-Say something. -I...

Uh...

You're fired!

(gasping)

Mr. Clampett, sir!

I am deeply sorry for any embarrassment

my former assistant might have caused you.

I... I, uh...

Yes, sir, I, I, I...

I humbly apologize for my egregious error,

and rest assured that

it will never happen again,

as I'm no longer in the employ of the bank.

Chief-- Mr. Drysdale,

I will clean out my desk at once.

-Oh... -(bang, spill)

Oh, dear.

HATHAWAY: Oh, please don't trouble yourselves.

Please, gentlemen. Oh--oh, thank you.

Don't trouble yourselves. Oh, I'm--

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Uh, thank you. No.

So, then everything i-is fine?

Mr. Clampett,

please don't take your money from my bank.

I'll do anything you want.

I'll contribute to charities, anything.

I'll eat mud.

(laughs)

That won't be necessary.

All I want is for this here lady

to watch over my affairs.

Me?

You want me?

Well, I reckon you done what you done

'cause you didn't know we was who we was.

If we hadn't a-been who we was,

we'd a-still been much obliged

for you doin' what you done.

M-Mr. Clampett,

I will work very hard for you.

I trust you will.

Is that alright with you, Mr. Drysdale?

That's exactly what I'd do in your situation.

So, we got ourselves a deal.

-(laugh) -(spit)

(laugh, spit)

-Absolutely! -(squish)

(chuckling)

JED: Just to show you there's no hard feelings,

we'd like to invite you and your family to Sunday supper.

Thank you. We'll be there.

It'll give me opportunity

to swap recipes with your wife!

Oh, she'd love that!

(Funeral March plays)

DRYSDALE: Here you go.

What-- what are you doing?

We just payin' our respects.

You...

(sigh)

Oh--oh, no!

(laughing) This is a limousine!

You'll be going home in this!

So you take this, and then I'll follow you in my Rolls Royce.

DRYSDALE: There you go.

Is that your car?

Uh, yes, it is.

-Ain't that fancy? -(chuckle)

Can I drive it?

You drive my $180,000 Rolls Royce?

Uh, well, of course you can, son.

I think that's a great idea.

Hot dog!

♪ If you've got the money, honey ♪

♪ I've got the time ♪

♪ We'll go honky-tonkin' ♪

♪ And we'll have a time ♪

♪ We'll have more fun, baby ♪

♪ All the way down the line ♪

♪ If you've got the money, honey ♪

♪ I got the time ♪

♪ There ain't no need to tattle ♪

♪ So, let's start out tonight ♪

♪ We'll have fun, oh, boy, oh, boy ♪

♪ And we'll do it right ♪

♪ Bring along your Cadillac ♪

-(tires screech) -Howdy!

♪ ♪

-Well, isn't this exciting? -(tires screech)

♪ I've got the time ♪

Elly May Clampett, sit down!

(car honks)

(phone rings)

Oh, excuse me.

(ringing)

Hello?

Let mister-- (grunt) Let mr. Clampett know

that the full weight of the bank is ready to help him.

Yes, Chief.

She thinks she's talkin' to somebody.

Ain't even a cord there.

(laughing)

-(tires screech) -Real estate, bonds, securities.

Whatever it is he wants,

-it's his. -(tires screech)

Mr. Drysdale wants you to know

that the bank is ready to help

in any way that it can.

There's one reason, and one reason only,

I moved out here...

I'm lookin' to get hitched.

Chief, he says he wants to get hitched.

-(tires screech) -Hitched?

Married.

Married?

Chief, that's what I said.

-Ms. Hathaway, if-- -(tires screech)

if Clampett wants a wife,

tell him that you will personally find him one.

Oh, Chief, capable as I may be,

matrimonial brokering is--

Is now one of your specialties.

Congratulations, Ms. Hathaway,

and good luck.

♪ ♪

Yes, sir.

Oh, dear.

No problem.

Um... Mr. Clampett,

Just exactly what are you looking for

in a fiancée?

A fiancée?

(laugh) Fiancée is French

for the person you intend to marry.

Well, I'm lookin' for a refined lady

to help me raise my daughter Elly May.

Aw, Pa, I'm already raised up...

(opens door)

and refined.

Elly May, don't spit from a movin' vehicle.

Wait till it stops.

(crickets chirping)

GRANNY: Jethro, save some for our guests.

Here you go, Uncle Jed.

(barking)

I think ol' Duke is sweet on your critter.

-(growling, barking) -MARGARET: She's not a critter.

She's a champion French Barbonet,

and her purebred puppies

are going to be worth $3,000 each.

(kiss)

Well, son, what, um, what do you do?

Don't know. What do you do?

I'm just president of a bank.

Wow. Uncle jed,

can I be a president, too?

Now, Jethro,

that's a mighty disrespectful thing

to say to Mr. Drysdale.

No...

Ask him if you can be vice president.

(chuckling)

Vice president?

Uh-huh!

(dramatic cue)

(dramatic cue)

♪ ♪

Vice president? Mm-hmm.

I think so.

We can-- we can always use another good man.

JETHRO: Hoo-wee! I'm gonna get me a fancy office

and a pretty secretary!

(doorbell chimes)

There's them bells again.

-(doorbell chimes again) -Jethro, I bet you there's somebody

standin' at that front door right now.

If I was you, I'd eat real quick

whilst he's gone.

Oh, looks good. Margaret?

Why don't you help yourself, dear?

-MARGARET: Oh, good lord. -(clicks cheek)

What is it?

♪ ♪

Howdy, mister!

Hi, I'm Woodrow Tyler.

I'm here to see Jed Clampett.

Well, come on in!

No, no, no. No, thank you.

-Tyler. -(whimper)

What brings you here?

Sir, hello!

TYLER: We took up a collection

to buy these beautiful flowers

for our newest clients.

Welcome to Beverly Hills.

GRANNY: Why, thanky, sonny.

Tyler, can the ham.

Just introduce yourself,

and get out of here, okay? (chuckle)

Very pleased to meet you.

Howdy!

(kiss)

(groan)

(gasp)

Elly May Clampett!

He was fixin' to bite my hand!

JED: Well, stand him up.

(groan)

Tyler, apologize.

My fault completely, Mr. Clampett.

I move too quickly.

You have a beautiful daughter

and very strong.

-Mrs. Drysdale? -Hmm?

What could help Elly May be as refined as you?

Well, I went to finishing school in France.

No one understands refinement

and sophistication better than the French.

Hmm...

Do you think we oughta move ourselves to France?

Yes, I do.

No, you don't. No, she doesn't.

-(sigh) -No, actually, you can find

A good French tutor that'll come right to your home.

♪ ♪

ELLY MAY: I don't wanna change.

I just wanna be who I am,

And I ain't goin' to no France!

GRANNY: Oh, my.

-'Scuse me. -(door closing)

Mrs. Drysdale?

Hmm?

If you ain't gonna eat them vittles, can I have 'em?

Of course you can, son.

Bon appétit.

(giggle) Thank you.

(crickets chirping)

-Elly May, -(raccoons chittering)

come on down here.

♪ ♪

How'd you know where I was, Pa?

'Cause ever since you could walk,

you've been climbin' trees,

-and cuddlin' with your critters. -(raccoons chitter)

It's high time you started thinkin'

about changin' some things.

You need to start wearin' dresses

and fixin' up nice.

But, Pa, folks would call me a sissy.

Well, it ain't sissy for girls to act like girls.

Ever since your Ma died, I...

done what I knew best,

and raised you up like a boy.

Roughhousin', fishin', fightin'.

Yeah. That stuff's fun.

Elly,

nature made you a girl,

and here lately, she's been gettin'

more and more positive about it.

Aw, Pa.

Every time I look into your eyes,

I can see your Ma there.

♪ ♪

Was my Ma refined?

Oh, yes.

She was a real genteel lady.

I miss her so much...

Even now.

I wanna be just like my Ma was.

I reckon I do need somebody

to teach me the ways.

Yeah, reckon you do.

And now,

I got the means to make that happen.

(car honking)

♪ ♪

Tyler...

don't you have anything better to do today?

I just thought you'd wanna know more

about the richest dumb guy in America.

-Hmm... -He's a hayseed.

A hillbilly.

-(rip) -Laura: Mmm!

So, this Clampett guy should be easy, huh?

Yes...

but we better do it fast before he gets married.

Married?

Tyler, Clampett's getting married?

No...

but he wants to.

He's a horny old goat looking for some action?

Nah. He's just looking for a, "refined lady to help

raise his hellcat daughter, Elly May."

Hmm...

But, he did seem interested when somebody

brought up the idea of a French tutor.

Hmm...

Laura: A French tutor.

(strain, pluck)

(screaming)

(sigh)

(gasp, sniff)

(doorbell chimes)

(French accent): Bonjour .

My name is Laurette Voleur,

And I am a...

French governess.

Well, come on in, ma'am.

(shuts door)

Bonjour.

I am going door-to-door

to see if anyone needs my services.

My business card.

Mademoiselle...

(mumbling)

Sorry, ma'am. I don't think so.

Are you sure?

Yep.

There is not a young woman in the house

who is perhaps a bit, uh,

unruly?

Not that I can think of,

but then again, we just moved here.

Nobody in need of refinement and sophistication?

(sigh) Nope!

Maybe you oughta try the neighbors.

Oh, well,

I am so sorry to bother you.

I will be going now.

Well, what's the problem, ma'am?

I was just hoping that my services

-would be needed. -Well, what do you do?

I teach, um,

how do you say this? Mmm...

Rambunctious teenage girls

how to be more ladylike and proper.

Well, dog my cats.

You know, Mrs. Drysdale was just telling us about

how the French was the best at finishing a gal out.

Oui, they are.

They are the very, very best at making a woman...

a woman.

♪ ♪

Hey, I just thought of something.

Maybe she could help with Elly May!

(gasps) oh.

(quack)

♪ ♪

(quacking, splashing)

-Here, rascal. -(toy squeaking)

Yeah. (giggle)

You like swimmin' in this cement pond,

-don't you? -(cat meows)

You like it, too, Frankie?

Takin' that duck for a swim?

And over here, by the cement pond,

is my daughter, Elly.

Elly, say hello to Ms. Laurette.

Howdy, Ms. Laurette.

Bonjour, Elly May.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

JED: I was thinking every day after school,

maybe Ms. Laurette could help teach you

to be a lady. How about that?

-ELLY MAY: Okay. -(gasps)

-(ALL laugh) -Spanky likes you.

Not as much as I like him.

(laugh)

ELLY MAY: Go on, now, and stay outta trouble.

(sigh)

I finally figured this game out, Spanky.

(squeak)

JETHRO: Take this ball,

you put it down this here gully.

It rolls down yonder...

Then you hurl yourself down this slippery gully

and see how many of them there snake-bashin' clubs

you can knock down

before the ball gets there.

(kissing sounds)

(no accent): What a stupid idiot.

Did you say somethin', ma'am?

(French accent): What a stupendous intellect. (laugh)

That's 'cause I graduated the sixth grade, ma'am.

-Only took three years. -(Laura chuckles)

♪ ♪

♪ Wasted days and wasted nights ♪

♪ I have left for you behind ♪

(mooing)

♪ For you don't belong to me ♪

♪ Your heart belongs ♪

♪ To someone else ♪

LAURA: Now, Elly May,

sit straight, chin up,

and try to practice looking interested

when people are boring you.

-(running) -(ball rolling)

(pins knocking over)

(clapping)

HATHAWAY: Ah, greetings, Mr. Clampett.

Well, howdy, Ms. Jane.

HATHAWAY: Hello, Elly May.

Uh, Ms. Jane, this here is Ms. Laurette Voleur.

Oh, bonjour, Mademoiselle Laurette.

Comment allez-vous?

Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut!

I must only speak the English in front of Elly May.

Of course.

HATHAWAY: Uh, Mr. Clampett,

drawing from Commerce Bank clientele,

I have selected some

preliminary bridal prospects for you.

-(chicken clucking) -(screaming)

♪ ♪

HATHAWAY: Oh, dear. Oh, my goodness. Oh...

Mon dieu , how clumsy of me. I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, it's no-- no problem.

No problem whatsoever.

At the bank, I have these in triplicate.

I shall return.

I'll walk you out, Ms. Hathaway.

Why, thank you, Jethro.

Laura: So, Mr. Clampett,

perhaps we should discuss my weekly salary?

(ball rolling)

(pins knocking over)

-Shoo! -(honks horn)

Shoo!

(moo)

(shuts off car)

(door alarm buzzes)

Shoo, cow!

Excuse me, I'm just going to reach over here

-and press this button. -(moo)

Hello, can anyone hear me?

HATHAWAY (on intercom): Can anyone hear me?

Yeah?

Can somebody help me?

Hello?

Miss Hathaway?

How's it feel to live in Beverly Hills?

-(moo) -(chuckle) Hello?

I can hear you. Where are you?

Please, can somebody let me out of here?

I am trapped inside the wall. Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Just stay put, Ms. Hathaway. I'll get ya out.

Hello?

Watch your head.

(smashing)

Ms. Hathaway?

Yoo-hoo!

HATHAWAY: Yoo-hoo!

I'm in! This is gonna be easier than I thought.

(giggle)

-So, they bought the French thing? -Mais oui!

They're bumpkins.

It's a crime they have so much money.

It's worse than a foreigner winning the lottery.

-I know exactly what I'm gonna do. -(chewing)

First, I'll lure in Clampett. That'll be easy.

Next, I'll take Elly May

and slap on a little window dressing,

make him think I turned her into a real lady. Ha!

Then, when the time is just right,

I'll play one off the other, and wham!

They won't know what hit 'em.

You're not gonna sleep with him, are you?

That's not your problem.

Okay, Laura,

I got my hand on your butt.

-(beep) -Okay, hold on.

I got someone on call waiting.

(beep)

Hello? Hello?

(beep)

It was nobody!

Okay, now,

I got my hand on your butt,

and I'm squeezing...

Tyler!

Get your hand off my butt.

Mr. Drysdale!

Get a pencil, and write this down.

Yes, Mr. Drysdale!

-(scribbling) -Right. Uh-huh.

I can do that.

(rooster crows)

♪ ♪

♪ Well, I ain't never ♪

♪ I ain't never ♪

♪ Seen nobody like you ♪

♪ No, no, no, never ♪

♪ Have I ever ♪

♪ Seen nobody like you ♪

Howdy, I'm Elly May.

You must be Mr. Drysdale's son.

(choking)

(choke)

Well, thanks for picking me up.

Is this here your car?

(continues choking)

(choke)

Well, are we goin' to school,

or we just gon' stand here all day?

(choking)

♪ Seen nobody like you ♪

♪ Ooh ooh, but I love you... ♪

Hey, y'all.

She's with me.

Heck, Morgan, I'm tryin' to be friendly-like,

but these folks don't seem to wanna say howdy back.

They sure are shy.

So what? Elly May, who cares? They're losers.

Not one of them is worth over 300 million.

Well, if it isn't Morgan,

Spelled big "M," little organ.

We've gotta go.

Not so fast, bank boy. Cough up your lunch money now.

All I have is $400,

in traveler's checks.

So, just sign 'em and hand 'em over.

Jake, show these two what happened

to the last guy who didn't pay up.

(hallway chatter)

(locker closes)

Well, I can wire the money to your account.

Before the close of the business day.

I don't see why you had to give

anything to that gorilla.

Well, that gorilla is the captain

of the wrestling team.

-Wow, I never rassled a team before. -(cart bell ringing)

Well, 'lessen you count the McCarter triplets.

Cappuccino?

-What? -Two.

(sharpening pencil)

Thank you, Tiffany.

-This here electronic whittler works real fine. -(giggling)

(sharpening)

Why, hello, Jethro.

Well, howdy, Ms. Hathaway!

My, don't you look strapping

in your new business suit?

Armani?

No, I'm pretty sure it's wool.

Sure does itch like wool.

(HATHAWAY chuckles)

Ms. Hathaway?

Oh, no, no. We're colleagues.

Call me Jane. Me Jane, you Jethro.

(imitates monkey)

(chuckles) Okay.

Okay, Ms. Hathaway.

Can I get one of these electronic whittlers for Uncle Jed?

It's his birthday coming up real soon.

Let me make a note of that.

And speaking of your Uncle Jed,

back to the job at hand...

Finding him a suitable wife.

JETHRO: Can I help?

Heck, back in the hollow,

my Ma was the best matchmaker around.

-Is that so? -Uh-huh!

First thing she'd do

is get the back fence gossips to start a-jawin'.

Why, we could drop some items in the trades.

-Excellent. -Thank you.

And, then she'd...

what she do?

She'd hang a sign

on the church bulletin board.

Maybe we can get a...

a big bulletin board.

No, no, we'd better be a bit more discreet.

Tell me, what are your uncle's favorite things?

Shoot, that's easy.

He likes...

-smoked crawdads, -Mm-hmm.

sow belly and hand-slung chitlins,

-and sponge cake. -(groan)

Besides food, Jethro.

Oh...

He likes people don't waste nothin'.

-Oh, go on. -(writing)

And his favorite song is,

"I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry," by Hank Williams.

Yes!

("I'm So Lonesome, I Could Cry" playing)

♪ Hear that lonesome ♪

♪ Whippoorwill ♪

♪ He sounds too blue ♪

♪ To fly ♪

♪ The midnight train ♪

♪ Is whining low ♪

♪ I'm so lonesome ♪

♪ I could cry ♪

♪ I've never seen ♪

♪ A night so long, when time ♪

(music muffled): ♪ When time goes crawling by ♪

♪ The moon just went ♪

♪ Behind the clouds ♪

-(music playing on stereo) -(knocking on door)

Entrer!

(music continues)

(clears throat)

Excuse me, ma'am, uh,

is that Hank Williams I hear?

(gasp) I'm sorry. It must be too loud.

-I will-- -No, no.

I was just listening to it

while repairing this old dress, and, uh,

waiting for my sponge cake to bake.

You cookin' a sponge cake?

Oui.

It is my spécialité.

I love this music.

It makes me want to dance.

It's so romantic.

♪ ♪

♪ The silence of ♪

♪ A fallin' star ♪

♪ Lights up a purple sky ♪

♪ And as I wonder ♪

♪ Where you are ♪

♪ I'm so lonesome ♪

♪ I could cry ♪

(Laura sighs)

You are a fine dancer,

and a very attractive man.

Whomever Ms. Hathaway finds for you to marry

is going to be a very happy woman.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

And all women know

A-penis is hard to find.

Excuse me?

A-penis.

Oh, happiness!

(clears throat) Well, uh,

I've disturbed your work enough, ma'am. Um...

-(sirens) -(music playing)

♪ Well, that big eight-wheeler rollin' down the track ♪

♪ Means your true lovin' daddy ain't comin' back ♪

♪ Well, I'm movin' on ♪

♪ I'll soon be gone... ♪

Jethro, have you considered getting a new car?

Nope, but I told Uncle Jed

we should slap a new coat of paint on this'n.

But, he said just 'cause we have money,

we didn't need to go showin' it off.

I was just thinking, oh, you should, you should.

You would look so good

in a big new flashy car.

Big flashy car, huh?

Maybe!

♪ ♪

Okay, Ms. Jane,

'bout ready to pull over.

(both laugh)

You are so impossibly romantic.

-Close your eyes. -(giggle)

Hot diggity dog!

Okay, now...

-keep 'em closed. -Hmm.

How charmingly old-fashioned.

Open your eyes and look up.

JETHRO: Ain't she pretty?

(cars honking)

(gasp)

Oh, my God,

the chief is going to kill me.

(backfire)

(crickets chirping, dog barking)

TV: We'll be back with the financial news,

after this message.

Howdy. I'm Jethro Bodine.

I'm talkin' to all you ladies out there.

Are you looking for the perfect husband?

Then consider Jed Clampett.

Yes, Jed is rated triple A's,

for a-ttractive,

a-vailable,

and a-billionaire.

So, come on down

to the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills

and see me, Jethro Bodine...

Dear, what's the matter?

And remember,

I'm not only Jed's wife-hunter,

I'm also his nephew.

(giggle)

I'm ruined.

♪ ♪

♪ Well ♪

♪ How come you say ♪

♪ You will when you won't ♪

♪ Say you do, baby, when you don't ♪

♪ A-let me know, honey, how you're feelin' ♪

♪ Tell the truth, child ♪

♪ Now is love real, but uh-uh ♪

♪ Honey, don't ♪

♪ Honey, don't ♪

♪ honey, don't ♪

♪ Honey, don't ♪

-Oh! -(snake hissing)

♪ Well, say you will when you won't ♪

♪ Uh uh, honey, don't ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Well, say you will when you won't ♪

Howdy!

♪ Honey, don't ♪

-Thank you. -(giggle)

Hathaway,

you are embarrassing this institution!

-DRYSDALE: This is a carnival. -(prints picture)

What kind of a numbskull would think up

a harebrained scheme like this?

That'd be me, Mr. Drysdale.

Y-y-your idea!

(laughing)

Well, it's brilliant!

(laughing) Insightful!

Cutting edge!

You're a born leader, son! (laughing)

We've have had 1,215 women

respond to the ad.

And two men.

Once I've entered the data into the computer,

worked my magic, presto.

We will narrow them down to a precious few.

Send in the next five!

-Oh, uh, Hathaway, uh, -(snaps picture)

you're not validating parking, are you?

Parking? Um... (clears throat)

That was my idea, too, Mr. Drysdale.

(chuckle) Well, it's a brilliant idea,

if I may say so. (laughing)

DRYSDALE: Let's see, uh,

1,215 women, and, uh,

-two men... -(typing)

At $1.50 every 15 minutes.

Ah, well, that's only gonna cost me 5--

5-5-5-5-$5,000.

(laughing) Well.

(socket wrench clicking)

Bonjour, Jethro.

Well, howdy, Ms. Laurette!

What is all of this?

Ms. Jane said a big fancy car

Would be more suitin' of my personality,

so I'm fixin' on makin' one outta my truck.

(laugh) Well, personally,

if it would've been me, I would've just...

bought a new one, but, uh,

carry on.

(sigh)

(no accent): What a moron.

(gym chatter)

Hey, Organ, what are you doing here?

-You come here to wrestle me, -No!

or did you just come here to kiss the gym floor?

Oof!

Come on, Morgan, just kiss it.

-Come on, kiss it! -(kiss)

Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?

And what business is it of yours, baby?

What are you doing here, anyway, corn pone?

(laughter)

I came by to join the rassling team.

I don't wrestle girls, at least not in the gym,

but in your case, I'll make an exception.

Good. Then let's get started.

-Oof! -Whoa!

I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gone kill you!

No one is gonna kill anyone here!

Not without a signed permission slip from home.

-Got it? -JAKE: Got it, coach.

(laughing) So, Jethro,

building on your visionary plan

for finding your uncle's wife, I've--

I've created this rather modest

database program.

-I've cross-referenced the applicants -(typing)

against the parameters you indicated

he desired...

By specifying the search criteria

into functional groupings,

and selecting the field values

through the use of embedded commands,

and, of course,

basic boolean algebra.

♪ ♪

Ms. Jane,

I have no idea what you just said.

(giggling)

(laughing)

Oh, Jethro, you are so delightfully...

primitive.

Uh, Ms. Hathaway, would you step

into my office, please?

And bring the, uh, the Arlington file.

Yes, sir.

-I'm sorry. -Mr. Drysdale,

since I have trained three Kentucky derby winners

for other people,

It seems a logical extension

that I'd want to own and operate

my own stud farm.

Arlington Acres.

Well, it just--

It's just a very exciting idea. (laughing)

Well, then you agree that his net worth

and, and rural background make Jed Clampett

the perfect partner for such a venture.

Lovely. You and Clampett partners in a stud farm,

-I think that's a wonderful idea. -So, you'll call him,

-and, and arrange for us to meet? -(chuckling)

You bet I will!

-I'm sure he can't wait to see you. -(chuckling)

In fact, as soon as you leave,

I'm gonna call Mr. Clampett on the phone.

(gasp) This is very exciting.

-Isn't it? -Yeah. (giggle)

But, but, Chief,

You specifically told me

that you did not want Mr. Clampett

involved in such a risky venture.

Exactly.

Shred and burn that, and don't ever let

that lady back in this office.

It went fantastically.

Mr. Drysdale said I would be a perfect partner

for Mr. Clampett.

Yes, I'll tell you more when I get back. Bye.

Excuse me, ma'am.

If Mr. Drysdale thinks

you'd be perfect for my Uncle Jed,

I can take you over to meet him right now.

Wonderful!

Come on.

I think you're gonna like Ms. Arlington.

Ms. Jane picked her out

with her computer datin' base,

Then Mr. Drysdale personally approved her.

Computer datin' base, huh?

What'll they think of next?

Hello, Ms. Arlington.

Mr. Clampett.

Well, gee, I,

I don't know quite how to begin.

Then let me start.

I know by just looking at you,

you are the perfect man for my stud farm.

Stud farm?

If it makes it any easier for you,

I am willing to take on multiple partners.

Multiple partners.

(clears throat)

Uh, no offense, ma'am,

but I'm afraid I'd find that just a tad uncomfortable.

Well, what if it was with somebody you really trusted,

like Mr. Drysdale?

I don't think this is the sort of thing

Mr. Drysdale'd wanna be involved in.

Oh, well, you should have seen his face

when I showed him the pictures of what I have in mind.

He was very excited.

I don't doubt that.

Would you like to see the pictures?

They're very detailed.

Uh, not just yet.

Don't you think we're movin' awful fast?

Oh,

not as far as I'm concerned, Mr. Clampett.

I've got my license, and I'm ready to breed.

(clears throat)

Excuse me, ma'am, uh,

I could use a glass of iced tea.

-Yourself? -Sure.

-(engine roaring) -Aah!

JETHRO: Learnin' Elly May to ride my motorcycle!

ELLY MAY: How do you stop this thing?

GRANNY: I'm gonna tan your hide!

JETHRO: You're doin' real good. Now, put on the brakes!

♪ ♪

-ELLY MAY: Granny? -JETHRO: Whoa!

GRANNY: I'm going to get you!

JETHRO: Watch your head!

-(laughter) -(scream)

(screaming)

-(GRANNY yelling) -JETHRO: I'll help you, Granny.

JETHRO: Now, come on, swim over here.

There we go. Gimme your hand.

(swearing)

-JETHRO: Ow! Granny! -(smacking)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Granny!

Ms. Arlington,

you reckon if we got hitched,

you could help me tame my daughter, Elly May?

-Are you proposing we get married? -(yelling continues)

Well, I wouldn't feel right about breedin' if we didn't.

♪ ♪

(door slams)

(blows whistle)

Okay, men, that's it.

Hit the mineral baths.

ELLY MAY: Howdy!

Well, well. Look who's here.

Missed you at practice, babe.

She didn't come alone.

Hey, Morgan, what are you doin' here?

(crowd chatter)

ELLY MAY: Well, who's all these folks?

MORGAN: Just to keep things fair.

Is this some kind of joke?

ELLY MAY: Well, come on, baby.

Let's rassle.

♪ ♪

Come on!

(cheering)

(telephone rings)

-Oh, I think it's me! -That's mine.

-Hello? -Hello?

It's mine.

(cheering)

Come on, man. You can do it!

Fight in the gym!

-Alright! -Cool!

(cheering)

(computers beeping)

♪ ♪

(class chatter)

-(ringing) -Wait. Hold on. I'm getting a fax.

(cheering)

(grunting)

Meet me there.

(engine roars, tires squeal)

(grunt, thud)

(cheering)

This here's what I call the Clampett clamp.

That's not legal!

-Really? -(struggling)

Well, try this one.

-Oof. -(thud)

Come on!

-(groaning) -(cracking)

I call it the possum pretzel.

Not legal, either.

-Well... -Ow!

(cheering)

Ow!

What about the hickory nut crunch?

-(crunch) -Ow!

ALL: Ooh!

Yeah...

(high voice): That's definitely not legal!

Well, ain't nothin' legal round here?

(groan)

(panting)

(grunt)

-One... -(cheering)

Two...

(cheering)

One...

Two...

Yeah.

Three!

(air whipping)

(grunting)

(whistle blows)

Young lady...

I think we found a new team captain.

Sorry, Derek. You're demoted.

(cheering)

Come here, Morgan.

(applause, cheering)

Thanks, y'all.

(music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

I truly appreciate y'all a-tossin' me

-this here fancy birthday party. -(chuckling)

Everybody looks just as nice as peach pie.

(laughing)

I just got one question for you.

Who are these people?

MARGARET: Well...

(engine roaring)

Get over here!

-(squeaky horn) -Howdy, Ms. Jane!

HATHAWAY: Oh, my goodness, Jethro.

I took your advice.

Made me a big flashy car.

It's very you,

very, very macho. (chuckle)

Thank you.

Well, shall we?

(valets chattering)

(music playing)

Is Pa here yet?

Elly May Clampett,

you look plumb elegant.

Thanks, Pa.

I feel kinda funny

gettin' all gussied up like this, but...

Ms. Laurette says I'll get used to it.

You've done a fine job

in turnin' Elly May into a lady.

Thank you, Monsieur Clampett.

She is a diamond in the rough,

just like you.

(clears throat)

What's all this?

Sushi, calamari, caviar.

What?

Speak American.

Listen, I was wondering if, um...

maybe sometime we could go out--

not on a date or anything.

Just, you know, maybe to go

get some, uh, burgers or something.

Take off that silly hat.

(music continues)

Then again, I would, uh-- (clears throat)

understand if you didn't want to.

Sounds like fun.

(gulp)

So, Jethro,

once we find your Uncle Jed a wife,

perhaps it'll be your turn to get hitched.

-Me? No! -Mm-hmm!

(both giggle)

I'm gonna be a Hollywood bachelor,

date all the hot, young starlets. (laugh)

Well, let me remind you not to overlook the charms

of the slightly older woman,

who more than makes up with experience

what she may lack in other arenas.

Okay, Ms. Jane.

No problem.

TYLER: Oh, please, let me.

(no accent): Tyler, clam it.

It's show time.

(crying)

Ms. Laurette?

Why are you cryin'?

(French accent): I--I have just spoken with your father.

And he says I would make the best wife for him.

He did?

But as happy as I would make him,

I am afraid that you will think

I'm too young and beautiful to be your mother.

Who'd have thought it...

Ms. Laurette and my Pa?

Hmm!

Oh...where is he?

Oh.

So, I can call you whenever I want?

-You'll hotfoot it right over? -Mm-hmm.

(sigh) Hot dog.

(gasp)

Thank you.

(gasp)

I will miss Elly May so much

when you find yourself a wife.

(sigh)

And I will miss you, too.

I hadn't thought about you not bein' here.

It's sure been a pleasure to have you stay with us.

Thank you.

Jed,

Elly May said the strangest thing to me tonight.

She said she would love for me to be her mother.

But, I'm sure she'll get over the disappointment

in whomever you choose.

I love Elly May just like a daughter.

Perhaps, you should speak with her.

I'll do that.

(sigh)

♪ ♪

Well...

This here's a big night for you.

All dressed up and ladylike

At your first Beverly Hills social.

Your Ma would be so proud.

Thanks, Pa.

Ms. Laurette said she was right proud, too.

You like her, don't you?

Well, I like her just fine.

And I guess you like her, too.

I certainly do.

All I want is for you to be happy, Elly May.

I just want you to be happy, Pa.

Well, I reckon there's no time like right now.

MAN: Happy birthday, Jed.

-ALL: Happy birthday! -(applause)

-(guitar strumming) -(gasps)

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jed Clampett ♪

♪ They've spent a fortune on me for you ♪

-(laughs) -(applause)

And I got a feeling you're worth every dime of it, too.

Step up here. Let me take a good look at you.

(cheering)

Boy! You're looking good on your birthday.

I think we need a speech, don't you?

Speech.

(cheering)

You know, I have more than any one man deserves,

yet there is something I'd like for my birthday.

I'd like to ask the one who helped Elly May

become a lady

to be my wife.

(gasps)

Ms. Laurette Voleur.

-(gasps) -(applause)

Oh, I am so surprised.

LAURA: This is the happiest day of my life.

Huh?

Alright, congratulations.

♪ What good is wealth and fame ♪

♪ Fine clothes and diamond rings? ♪

♪ It just don't mean a thing ♪

♪ If you ain't got love ♪

♪ But you can have your cake and icing, too ♪

♪ if you got someone to love that cares for you ♪

♪ 'Cause love's the sweetest gift we can possess ♪

♪ To have true love is to be truly blessed ♪

♪ 'Cause what good is wealth and fame ♪

♪ Fine clothes and diamond rings? ♪

♪ It just don't mean a thing ♪

♪ If you ain't got love ♪

♪ Big homes and fancy cars ♪

♪ Rubbin' elbows with the stars ♪

Hoo!

♪ They still won't get you far ♪

♪ If you ain't got love ♪

(rain, thunder)

You don't say.

GRANNY (on phone): I do say!

Well, I'll be. Who's he marrying?

Oh, some floozy with a fancy accent.

She seems sneaky to me. I don't trust her.

Oh, Granny, you don't trust anybody.

Never mind about that.

I'm invitin' you to the weddin',

and the cousins.

But, just from Jed's side,

not includin' the Kelloggs, nor the Daggs.

Now Granny,

you're not gonna get into your tonic and disappear,

like you did when Jed married your daughter, are ya?

(beep)

(dial tone)

(hangs up)

Jethrine, your Uncle Jed's gettin' married.

(gasp)

I always cry at weddings.

(sniff)

Oh, now, honey.

(sniffling)

I do. (sniffle)

(snort)

♪ ♪

Well, you got both kinds of chickens here, Jed.

-White and brown. -(chickens clucking)

What you got there, son?

Oh, it's just a standard prenuptial agreement.

Oh, and Ms. Hathaway said for you

not to tell anyone that you signed it,

not even her.

Well, if Ms. Hathaway says so,

I don't have to read this.

It must be fine.

(bubbling, creaking)

They'll be comin' from miles around

to get my expert doctorin',

and I won't turn a one away.

I done took me the hypocritter oath

to help ever'body.

(bubbling, creaking)

Kinda weak.

(sigh)

Probably good enough for city folk.

-(springy sound) -Whoo!

LAURA: Tyler!

♪ ♪

Did you get him to sign the papers?

-Oh, yeah. He's a very trusting man. -(giggle)

-He thinks everyone's honest. -(laugh)

That's a quality I admire

in a man I'm taking advantage of.

Hey, uh, you're not

sleeping with him, are you?

Tyler, you know once I move in with a man,

I stop having sex with him.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

LAURA: Keep your mind on business.

Now, go.

TYLER: Hey, wait.

How about a little goodbye kiss?

Alright.

-I knowed it! I knowed it! -(gasp)

I done catched you red-handed,

you two-timin' hussy!

-When I inform Jed, -(growl)

the weddin' will be off! (cackling)

Let's get her.

♪ ♪

Wuh-oh.

Ohh! Oh!

No! No! No! Aah!

(muffled yelling)

LAURA: Shut up, you old hag!

(muffled yelling)

We got just the place for you.

(yelling continues)

(metal scraping, tires screeching)

I've already input the info into the computer.

So, as soon as you say I do,

bing! I press enter, boom!

The money goes via modem to Switzerland.

Bing, bang, boom. We're rich!

-(both laughing) -(muffled yelling)

Oh.

Look at those legs.

I can't wait to get them

wrapped around me.

(yelp) Get her off of me!

LAURA: Get those legs off of him!

TYLER: She's got crap on her boots!

♪ ♪

(muffled yelling)

She doesn't even think we're her grandchildren.

Did you say you fear for your lives?

Yes. I'm afraid the poor old dear

tried to shoot us with a shotgun.

Are there any other indications of dementia?

Last week, we caught her

-trying to eat a raccoon. -(sigh)

Really?

She calls us kidnappers.

(muffled): They are! They are! The old buzzards are!

TYLER: Quiet, now.

-Quiet. -Grandma, please!

-(bite) -Ow!

She bit me again, honey!

Better check her for rabies.

(phone beeps)

-Get two orderlies in here stat! -Oh, you poor old dear.

-(crying) -(muffled yelling)

LAURA: We can't take the heartbreak a minute longer.

We need to admit her someplace

where she can be kept in a straitjacket

away from sharp objects

and pay phones.

-(muffled yelling) -From what you've told me,

I'd say that your grandmother

is a perfect candidate for, uh...

electroshock therapy.

♪ ♪

And nobody, I repeat nobody,

is to be allowed into the Clampett estate

without an invitation.

Sans invitation, non.

Ms. Jane, this fella's all mad at me

'cause I opened up this box of wedding food,

but there ain't nothin' in there

but a bunch of snails.

I think the snails got up in there

and ate all the food!

No problem.

Jethro, we'll just buy some more,

and Henri, the snails go back to the garden

where they belong,

s'il vous plait.

-(blows whistle) -To your posts!

HATHAWAY: Everything's going fine, but...

I have one small question.

I had a call from the dressmaker,

and Granny has not been available for her fitting,

and the wedding is tomorrow.

JED: Hmm. Come to think of it,

I ain't seen hide nor hair of Granny since yesterday.

And you're not concerned?

No. She done the same thing

when I married Elly May's Ma.

Came pourin' in about three days later,

naked as a jaybird and reeking of her medicine.

(sigh) Hmm...

("Dueling Banjos" plays)

(click)

(chewing)

(spit)

(groans, passes gas)

(both giggle)

(squeaking)

(clicks tongue)

("Dueling Banjos" continues)

MAN: Play it, George!

WOMAN: Yee-haw!

(cheering)

(making fart noises)

(spit)

(laughing)

Whoo!

(music continues)

(jet engine roar)

(birds chirping)

♪ ♪

CAPTAIN: Ms. Hathaway,

if the immediate family isn't concerned enough

to file a missing persons report,

then there's nothing we can do.

But, Captain Gallo, I suspect foul play.

I'm sorry, but my hands are tied.

Oh!

(crying)

But if you're desperate,

you might try this guy.

He's expensive,

but he's also the best private investigator around.

("Barnaby Jones" theme plays)

Oh, this case was pretty easy

to crack, Ms. Hathaway.

I have met unsavory characters before,

but she takes the cake.

Laurette Voleur,

a.k.a. Laura Jackson,

-(gasp) -a.k.a.

Lili Le Becque.

Married 12 times to any guy

with a little extra money to throw around.

I should have known.

Voleur.

French for thief.

Now, what about Granny?

The old lady is being forcibly held

at the Los Viejos retirement home.

A disreputable establishment,

often cited for patient abuse.

(gasp)

Be tough to break her out.

What a calamity,

and the wedding is just hours away.

-(bell ringing) -(pig grunting)

Reverend, do you think

Cousin Bill's gonna be too busy

to make it to the weddin'?

("Hail to the Chief" plays"

CLINTON: Hillary, where did I put that invitation?

MAN 1: All those chairs have to go around the back there.

MAN 2: Hey, flowers, come here! This way, flowers!

MAN 3: Right, they need tent stakes in the back yard right now.

Let's go.

(telephone ringing)

Hello. Clampett residence.

Mr. Drysdale?

I have an urgent call for Mr. Drysdale--

I'll take that!

(whisper): He works for me.

(squeaking)

Woody Tyler. Can I help you?

Tyler, what are you doing there?

Um, I just dropped by to see if I could be of help.

Tell Mr. Drysdale to stop the wedding.

Okay...

Laurette is a phony who is only after Mr. Clampett's money.

Well, that's not good.

Do it, Tyler, or your job is toast.

I got it.

(hangs up)

(air whipping)

She's getting fat.

Where is Hathaway? She was supposed

to check in with me hours ago!

-Well, I don't know, dear. -Well-- (sigh)

-Mr. Drysdale-- -Oh,

what do you want, Tyler?

Miss Hathaway called. She said,

something had come up and to go ahead and start the wedding without her.

Well, what could've come up?

I wish I knew. (laughs)

(barking)

My, what a lovely dog!

-(bells jingle) -MARGARET: Oh,

-thank you. -(chuckle)

Tyler, make yourself useful.

Go count the olives.

Oh, yeah. On it right away.

Oh, I hate that little worm.

What could possibly be more important

than this to Ms. Hathaway?

♪ ♪

Oh, look at that. A new nurse.

Yeah!

Howdy, Mama!

My baby! Oh!

Boy!

My goodness,

Beverly Hills has made you

so sophisticated!

(laugh)

-Doesn't your twin brother look handsome? -MAN: Hi, Jethro!

Give him a kiss, Jethrine!

Hey, Jethro! (kiss)

(ALL cheering)

This is us, Granny!

(doors slamming)

(playing classical music)

Oh, excuse me.

(chatter)

MAN 1: I reckon.

MAN 2: Yep.

♪ ♪

Young man,

I am here to see

Daisy May Moses.

Ah, then you must be here for the rabies test.

Yes. Rabies test. Exactly right.

Then you want room 525.

Oh, nurse!

Better be careful. She's a wild one.

-We had to give her electroshock therapy. -(gasp)

(laughing)

Thank you.

-(electric crackling) -(high-pitched mumbling)

♪ ♪

-(cart rattling) -JANITOR: Uh, excuse me.

No problem.

-(electric crackling) -(door opens)

-(gasp) -(door closes)

My God.

-Oh, Granny. -(high-pitched mumbling)

(uncorks bottle)

Your elixir.

-(wince) -(springy sound)

(fabric ripping)

I will take you out of here immediately.

Your hair is just a bit disheveled.

Ms. Jane?

Is that you?

'Tis I.

Oh...

(classical music playing)

Granny say she don't trust Ms. Laurette.

Uh-huh...

Take off that silly hat.

(mocking): Neh neh neh neh neh neh.

(classical music continues)

(unlatches case)

I heard she's so skinny,

you couldn't hit her with a handful of corn.

-(laughing) -(sigh)

Look where they're parking the cars.

My God, how tacky!

-(sigh) -Place is turning into a zoo.

I think she's a-tryin' to take him for all he's got.

Hmm.

(beep)

-(typing) -(beeping)

Hi, there, handsome.

(dramatic cue)

You mind if I sit in this chair?

-This chair? -Mm-hmm.

Well, I was kind of sav--

Thank you.

Lovely wedding, isn't it?

-(chuckle) -(beeping)

♪ ♪

HATHAWAY: Go.

(door shuts)

HATHAWAY: Oh.

-(shuts doors) -We've got to get back.

-I called. I told them to stop the wedding, -(panting)

but that Tyler is so incompetent--

Tyler? Him and Laurette's the ones

that stuck me in this hellhole!

So, stabbed in the back,

by one of our own.

-And she ain't no foreigner. -(doors open)

There they are. Stop them. Sic!

-Oof! -(thud)

-Ah! -(springy sound)

♪ ♪

(classical music playing)

(crowd chatter)

JED: Jethro, hold up.

("Bridal Chorus" plays)

-(gasps) -(applause)

Oh, there she is.

Come on, come on... Oh, she looks beautiful.

(heavy breathing)

Oh, I got the vapors.

(sobbing)

♪ ♪

(sobbing)

My makeup...

(sniffing, heavy breathing)

-(snort) -Ooh...

"Dearly beloved,

"we are gathered here in case of an emergency.

"Oxygen masks will fall

-"from the overhead compartment. -(murmuring)

-"your seat cushion can be used -Huh?

-"as a floatin' device. -Huh?

-Thus sayeth the Lord." -Excuse me, Reverend,

but I believe you're readin'

the airplane safety instructions.

LAURA: May we skip this part?

-(giggles) -(clears throat)

Hathaway better have a good excuse for not being here.

♪ ♪

(tires screech)

HATHAWAY: Quick, Granny, hurry!

(slamming doors)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Can I see your invitations, please? -I'll handle this, Granny.

Young man, have you any idea with whom you're speaking?

I'd say one crazy lady,

and another one with a bad wig.

Every strand of this here hair is mine!

-(kick) -(guards yelling)

No, granny, no! No, granny, no!

We'll find another way.

"We are gathered here

to unite these two in holy matrimony."

(giggles)

(sigh)

Can we hurry things up, please?

-Yes, ma'am. -(giggle)

(clears throat) Come on. Come on, baby.

REVEREND: If, uh, any one of y'all has one good reason

these two shouldn't be hitched...

and it darn tootin' better be a good reason...

then speak now or forever hold your peace.

(chuckle) REVEREND: Alright, then.

-"I now pronounce you..." -Please, please, please...

"man and..."

(engine roaring)

REVEREND: What in tarnation is that?

♪ ♪

(yelling)

GRANNY: Charge!

Oh, no! No! No! No!

Ah! MAN: My car!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(smash)

Aah!

(screaming)

(engine roaring)

Ah!

(yelling)

GRANNY: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(yelling)

(smash)

(screaming)

HATHAWAY: Come on, Granny!

MARGARET: Who is that?!

It is I, Jane Hathaway!

Hathaway! Have you lost your mind?

She's an impostor!

She's marrying Mr. Clampett just to steal his money!

That sidewinder Tyler helped her!

I'm ruined!

Milburn! Milburn!

-(light smashes) -(screaming)

Tyler!

Let's set up the computer and push the button.

If I can't have their money, nobody should.

-Quick! -(dishes breaking)

(panting)

-(beep) -CLAIRE: Okay.

CLAIRE: We'll send their billion bucks

bouncin' around so many banks, they'll never find it.

It's all set!

All we gotta do is push that button!

(laughing)

You rustic,

nose-picking, inbred yokels!

You're all about to be poor again.

-Think again! -(cocks gun)

(whimper)

-(gunshot) -(smash)

(screaming)

-Hiya! -Oof!

-(kick) -CROWD: Ooh!

(cheering)

No!

(kissing, moaning)

(crowd cheering)

GRANNY: No, you don't, you schemin' skunk!

Wait'll I get my hands on you!

Oh, Pa, you must be so disappointed.

A little.

But Elly May, I was mainly marryin' Ms. Laurette

'cause I thought you wanted her for your new Ma.

♪ ♪

I'm so sorry, Pa.

Don't be sorry.

I love you just the way you are.

I reckon I oughta raise you up to be who you wanna be.

Well, I don't need a new Ma,

not as long as I got you and granny.

-(laughing) -Hot dog, Ms. Jane!

You sure are a good shot!

Well, thank you, Jethro.

-Hoo! -Got ya!

Well, folks,

I guess you can say things didn't turn out

quite the way we planned.

So...

since there ain't gonna be no hitchin',

and we're all here anyway...

I say...

we have one hellacious shindig!

(cheering)

(cocks gun, fires)

(playing music)

(dancing)

LAURA: Let go of me!

Here she is, boys, she's all yours!

(scream)

(laughing)

Ah! Oh, oh...

LAURA: Let go of my hand!

(muffled yelling)

(grunt)

(panting)

(muffled yelling)

Yee-haw!

(scream)

Oh! Ah!

ELLY MAY: Hey!

Nobody treats my Pa that way!

Shut up!

(grunt)

(screaming)

(plates smash)

How's that for ladylike,

-you old money-grubber? -(sirens)

-(kissing) -(muffled yelling)

(panting)

Come on, city boy, let's dance.

Alright, stand back!

(whooping, cheering)

(music continues)

You're under arrest

for kidnapping, attempted embezzlement, and fraud.

LAURA: Oh, right! It was all Tyler's idea.

-I admit it freely. -(handcuffs click)

It was all her idea!

I always fall in love with the wrong kind of man.

(gasp)

OFFICER: Clean up that cake.

Don't step on the train.

I'll wait for you, honey!

(cries, snorts)

(squeak)

-(dog whining) -MARGARET: Well, where was she? Uh, she--

Aw!

(laughing) Oh, well...

Wee doggie!

(puppies whining, barking)

(cheering, whooping)

(music continues)

Thank you!

That's just about right.

Oops!

It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy.

Yeah, I just hope my call to the IRS--

Oh, I shouldn't open it. Sorry.

No problem. We'll do it again.

-But, I got there... -(crew laughing)

That old lady is, uh...

That old lady is--

Eh, I'm sorry. (chuckle)

-DIRECTOR: That's okay! -She's gettin' pretty old by now, I'll tell ya.

(laughter)

CREW MEMBER: Still rolling.

DIRECTOR: Okay. Gimme a big smile.

I can't get any bigger.

(laughter)

DIRECTOR: So, uh, what happened?

Actually, he slapped me.

(wince)

Why don't you come up here? Let me take a good look at you.

CREWMEMBER: Jim. Jim?

Hey, dude, where are you, man?

(wailing)

Not even a bridesmaid.

I gotta do this again!

(wails)

(laughter)

(cooing)

DIRECTOR: Action!

Oh. We've got-- no! We've got to get back.

I called, I told them to postpone the--

-I lost my purse. -It's right here.

(laughter)

-How did you get it? -I don't know!

Jethro? Come on down here.

Likely as not, there's another family lives up here...

There.

♪ Well, now it's time to say goodbye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ They would like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back again to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality ♪

Hillbilly, that is. Sit a spell.

Take your shoes off.

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

♪ ♪

♪ Have you heard the story of the hot-rod race ♪

♪ Where the Fords and Lincolns were settin' the pace? ♪

♪ The story is true, I'm here to say ♪

♪ 'Cause I was drivin' that Model A ♪

♪ It's got a Lincoln motor and it's really souped-up ♪

♪ That Model A body makes it look like a pup ♪

♪ It's got 8 cylinders and uses 'em all ♪

♪ Got overdrive, it just won't stall ♪

♪ With a four-barrel carb and dual exhaust ♪

♪ With 4-11 gears, you could really get lost ♪

♪ Got safety tubes, but I ain't scared ♪

♪ The brakes are good, the tires are fair ♪

♪ Rolled out of San Pedro late one night ♪

♪ The moon and stars were shinin' bright ♪

♪ We was drivin' up Grapevine Hill ♪

♪ Passin' cars like they were standin' still ♪

♪ ♪

♪ All of a sudden, in the wink of an eye ♪

♪ A Cadillac sedan passes by ♪

♪ I said, "Boys, that's marked for me" ♪

♪ By then, the taillights was all you could see ♪

♪ Now, the fellas ribbed me for bein' behind ♪

♪ So I thought I'd make that Lincoln unwind ♪

♪ Took my foot off the gas, and man alive ♪

♪ I shoved it down into overdrive ♪

♪ Wound it out to 110 ♪

♪ My speedometer said I'd hit top end ♪

♪ My foot was glued like lead to the floor ♪

♪ That's all there is, there ain't no more ♪

♪ Now the boys all thought I'd lost my sense ♪

♪ Them telephone poles looked like a picket fence ♪

♪ They said, "Slow down, I see spots" ♪

♪ The lines on the road, just looked like dots ♪

♪ Took a corner, sideswiped a truck ♪

♪ I crossed my fingers just for luck ♪

♪ My fenders was clickin' the guardrail post ♪

♪ The guy beside me was white as a ghost ♪

(squealing tires)

(tires screeching)

♪ ♪

♪ Smoke was comin' from out of the back ♪

♪ When I started to gain on that Cadillac ♪

♪ I knew I could catch him, I thought I could pass ♪

♪ Don't you know by then we'd be low on gas? ♪

♪ They had flames comin' out from the side ♪

♪ You could feel the tension, man, what a ride ♪

♪ I said, "Look out, boys, I got a license to fly" ♪

♪ And that Caddy pulled over and let us by ♪

♪ Now all of a sudden, she started to knockin' ♪

♪ Down in the dip she started to rockin' ♪

♪ I looked in the mirror and the red light was blinkin' ♪

♪ The cops were after my hot-rod Lincoln ♪

(sirens)

♪ They arrested me and put me in jail ♪

♪ I called my Pappy to throw my bail ♪

♪ He said, "Son, you're gonna drive me to drinkin' ♪

♪ If you don't stop drivin' that hot-rod Lincoln" ♪

♪ ♪

Captioned by Point.360