Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

Well, according to the electronic mail blast

Mayor Peppers sent out this afternoon,

there's still no word on that reindeer

that went missing from the Lone Moose Santa's Village.

Probably a Gone Girl situation.

Kidnapped himself to teach his husband to be nicer to him.

So, by my count, there's an entire

Yule log cake right here for each of us.

Should we skip the Lone Moose town party and just dig in?

Honeybee, we would never miss

the white elephant gift exchange.

Last year I got a mouse pad with a picture of Dory

from Finding Nemo that said "Just Keep Scrolling" on it.

Oh, yeah, it's so fun to get,

but it's also fun to give.

This year I wrapped up my leggings

with homemade calf implants to give away.

Those are sure to be a hot commod.

They're too heavy to stand in, but sitting down?

Heads are a-turning, believe me.

I'm so glad you're getting rid of those.

I swear to God they come to life at night

and dance around. (groans)

Now, I'm a little sad to say goodbye

to my giant novelty pencil Tiffany.

But I can't keep both her

and my giant novelty Montblanc pen Sturgis.

Yeah, it can be a challenge to decide to let go of something.

And then other times someone else can decide

for you that it's time to let go of something.

And so, thus, out of nowhere and for no reason at all,

I must ask you, Father, whether you are thinking

of using this gift exchange tonight

to again give away something we all love.

I feel like there's a story here.

There's no story.

Judy's just indulging in dramatics.

How dare you?

Okay, I would ask you

to take it down several notches, son.

-He will not! -Absolutely never. -Are you insane, sir?

Oh, there's a story. Allow me to paint a picture.

The Tobin household used to be a place of warmth,

laughter, merriment and music.

All thanks to one special little man.

An animatronic toy we Tobin children

received from our dear papa-- Skanky.

♪ A little bit of Christmas in my life ♪

♪ A little bit of Christmas by my side... ♪

WOLF: Everyone loved Skanky.

Everyone except the very man who had given him to us.

(delighted laughter)

Skanky was our Christmas companion.

♪ A little bit of Christmas is what I see... ♪

JUDY: He looked so handsome in our family photos.

WOLF: A total stud.

For those years that we owned Skanky,

as a family, I can confidently say we'd never been happier.

But then, a few Christmases ago, everything changed.

A grinch, the very same grinch who had gifted us

our beloved bouncing baby boy,

ripped Skanky from our hands

and callously gave him away

at the gift exchange.

-(all gasp) -Why, Father, why?

BEEF: That's right.

And I'd do it again.

We tried to get Skanky back

from Londra, but we'd already used up our turns,

and according to the sacred rules

of the white elephant, he was gone forever.

And we searched the whole Internet thousands of times,

but there were no Skankys to buy anywhere.

He was recalled due to a couple of very mild house fires.

Wait, you gave away a toy the kids loved, Beef?

That doesn't sound like you.

Normally you'd give the kids the shirt off your back.

I mean, I've literally seen you do that dozens of times

when Wolf has forgotten to get dressed.

I know it makes no sense to you, Honeybee,

but you never saw that abomination

that I innocently gifted to my children.

I knew no peace when that thing gyrated amongst us.

So I did what I had to do.

And now here we sit, with no Skank in our tank,

year after year.

I sure hope Londra appreciates that gorgeous green angel.

All right, well, that was a fun trip down memory lane.

-Let's get ready to go. -Psst.

Hey, Ham, Judy, I need your help with, uh...

wrapping something outside.

Can you meet me near the old outhouse?

Ooh, yeah, I love to wrap gifts with the wind in my hair.

All right, you know the, uh, reindeer that went missing?

I, uh, may have some important evidence about where he is.

Dish, girl.

When did you start talking like that?

Just now. I didn't like it.

But, you know, dish, girl.

Okay, I can't stop. For real. Dish. God.

Okay, so, I always go to the Santa's Village.

Even though it's rundown

and one year I got fleas from an elf there,

I like to tell Santa what I want.

I know it's not really him,

but he's an official surrogate,

and it can't hurt to put in

a little face time if you want the good stuff.

But on my way out, I noticed something alarming.

Unlike other years,

the reindeer weren't poorly painted plywood.

They were using a real one.

Turning a majestic beast into a clown? I don't think so.

Get. You can't follow me.

I said "get."

Don't you dare make me fall in love with you.

Damn you.

So, what you're telling us is that you're gonna

open this door and we're gonna see a reindeer?

Moon, as your older sister, I must say that is not okay.

That reindeer needs to go back now.

And I love this reindeer and I am his mother now

and we are keeping him forever.

His name was Rudolph. Humiliating.

I renamed him Wilhelm after Georg Wilhelm Steller,

the pioneer naturalist-- duh.

Aww. Wilhelm, you lovable scamp.

-(snarls) -Ouch.

Uh-uh, don't get close to his food.

He eats a lot.

They must have been starving him because it's nonstop.

Should we maybe tell Dad?

Ham, no. The reindeer chose me and I know Dad.

He's gonna make me bring Wilhelm back to that awful place

because it's "the right thing to do." Yuck.

Well, it is very magical to have a secret reindeer

in your outhouse at Christmastime.

Then it's settled. We're keeping him forever.

Okay, he has plenty of food to last him while we're gone.

Be good, Wilhelm. Your mother, Judy-- me-- loves you forever.

(rustling)

MOON: Uh, uh-oh.

Wilhelm already ate all the food

-and now he's eating the toilet. -Kids, let's go!

Uh, Dad, we're not done wrapping our gifts yet,

and they're very, uh, fragrant.

They in fact stink and we don't want the house to stink so...

Anyway, we'll take the van and meet you there.

You guys go in Honeybee's convertible.

Okay, see you there.

Good luck with your smelly gifts.

As I see it, the only solution is to bring Wilhelm with us.

You know, we'll just put him in the van

and then we'll store him in the supply shed at the VFW

and we'll just keep feeding him all night

since there will be tons of food there.

I hope he likes deviled eggs and green bean casserole.

I've seen him eat poop, so we're probably good.

MAYOR PEPPERS: Hey, Honeybee.

Try some akutaq?

Now, we don't have this in Fresno.

What's going on in here?

Hit me with the ingredients.

-Sugar. -Great start.

-Crisco. -All right.

-White fish. -Now you got me.

-And blueberries. -Okay, let's go.

All right. Let's put out everything we brought

and then I'll restock using stuff from the potlatch table.

Yeah, and if he gets bored,

I can show him some Madam Secretary on my phone.

Welcome to Lone Moose's annual white elephant gift exchange.

First order of business,

we're still looking for the missing reindeer

from Santa's Village, so if you see some reindeer,

say some reindeer.

Now, here's the rules. I draw a name.

You can either open a gift

or steal an already unwrapped gift from someone else.

And once a gift is stolen three times, it's out of play.

-No trading after the game. -And no cheating.

I'm talking to you, white people.

You heard him. Okay, now let's have some fun.

Oh, great, a giant pencil. Every kid's dream.

Now I just need some giant homework.

Up next is Ham Tobin.

(cheering, whooping)

Hmm. What to choose?

If it don't make a jangle, it ain't my thangle!

A book? Uh, no, thanks.

Ten seconds.

Wait, it-it can't be.

It's Skanky?

-(cheering) -What? No!

♪ One, two, three, four, five ♪

♪ Everybody loves a skank at Christmastime... ♪

Skanky.

No, no. Londra, how could you regift Skanky?

You won him fair and square

and you have to suffer the consequences.

Sorry, Beef, Dusty loves Skanky but I hate him.

I even have a reoccurring dream where she leaves me for him.

I can't move my hips like that.

What part are the hips?

I don't know, Delmer.

Dusty flew to Ketchikan tonight to see her brother

so I betrayed her and brought Skanky here

and now I'm free. Free!

Great decision, Londra.

Brothers and Honeybee, a word?

This is a huge development for us.

We were just saying we wanted Skanky back

and this is clearly a Christmas miracle.

But he's not safe yet, okay?

He can still be stolen up to three times.

We need a plan.

How about I just bite anyone who tries to take Skanky?

-Great plan. -Terrible plan.

-(all yell) -How did you get in the huddle, Dad?

Stealth and cunning.

And that's how I'll get rid of Skanky once and for all.

Ugh, you know what, Dad? I hate all this tension.

Let me give you a hug.

Oh. Sure, son. I'll always take a hug.

(whispering): I will take you down tonight.

I don't care who you are.

Tobins, listen, I respect your intergenerational feud,

but if it's okay with you guys,

I'm gonna pick the next name.

-Fine. -Fine.

-Quinn. -Moon.

I trust you're enjoying a pleasant evening.

Yes, I am. Our family heirloom, Skanky the Christmas tree,

has been returned to our loving arms.

Hmm. Congratulations.

I'm sorry, but is that reindeer fur on your coat?

Mm. That depends on how good you are at keeping secrets.

Uh, extremely. Plus, I know it's reindeer fur.

Ms. Hill is letting me do an independent course

in Santa Studies for extra credit,

but I'd do it for free.

If you've been commingling with a reindeer,

I'd love to take a look.

I suppose that could be arranged.

Grab those fully loaded potato skins and follow me.

And if anyone asks where you're going,

just laugh and say, "I know, right?"

Jerry, you're up.

(cheering, whooping)

Well, you know I love a gift certificate,

so I've been eyeing this little envelope all night.

I knew it. Ooh, and it's to the Cheesecake Factory.

No, not to the Cheesecake Factory.

Oh, it's to Cheesecake's Factory.

Yep. You can take any bong you want

out of my collection of tens of handmade bongs.

Including my respectful memorial Ruth Bader Gingsbong.

Adorable antlers, hardy hooves, soulful eyes.

Cute Christmas collar.

Hmm, this one's a keeper.

MOON: Wow, he loves you.

-She. -Huh?

She loves me.

But he has antlers.

Moon. Moon, Moon, Moon, Moon, Moon, Moon, Moon.

There are certain circumstances under which

female reindeer keep their antlers.

-We're gonna need some help. -Why?

I assume you know where babies come from.

I mean, I wish I didn't, but yeah, I do.

Huh. Well, they're about to come from this reindeer.

-(Wilhelm moaning) -Oh, gotcha.

I think I know someone who can help.

LONDRA: Oh, wow.

A copy of Matthew McConaughey's vampire novel,

I'll Bite, I'll Bite, I'll Bite.

Mm. It's just okay. A lot of plot holes.

What fun. And now we have Vera.

Vera, will you steal or unwrap?

I'll take the sexual tree.

-No! -What in the candy cane?

Vera, I never imagined myself saying this, but thank you.

I'm not doing this for you.

This fella reminds me of my dead husband

who also had a globular midsection

and, frankly, I find Skanky erotically interesting.

Guys, what's the play here?

What if I hit Vera in the head?

I'm not saying no, but we don't need to panic yet.

There's still two steals left. We got this, guys.

Whichever of us goes next steals Skanky,

and then whoever's last steals him again.

-Taking him out of play. Yeah, right, perfect. -God, I'm good.

I should do an Ocean's Eleven, maybe a Twelve.

And we've got Honeybee Shaw-Tobin.

-Oh, no. -Yes, that's our first steal.

It's all coming together. You hear that, Skanky?

You're coming home, my boy.

Oh, uh, sorry, my Christmas cutie,

you must be confused. Skanky's over there, with Vera.

Hmm. This one feels interesting.

What are you doing? What is she doing?

Christmas cutie? Uh, holiday hottie?

Yuletide bride? My passionate poinsettia?

W-What's happening?

Maybe she can't hear us.

The acoustics in here are not ideal.

Honeybee, look at me! Look at me, damn it!

Ten seconds.

All right, this one looks fine.

Honeybee, what in the manger?

I am so sorry, babe, but, um, I don't like Skanky.

-(all gasping) -Okay?

That thing is just gross. I can't.

Honeybee, you holiday hero.

12 dangs of Christmas! Little bummer boy!

Jingle balls! Doo-doo got run over by a frang dang!

Are you kidding me?!

Honeybee, my mistletoe mistress, why?

I mean, I thought I could count on you.

I-I thought I knew you.

How could you keep me away from the one thing

I love more than anything else in the world?

The thing you love most in the world? More than me?

Of course not. It's a tie.

Oh, my God. You guys are completely off the rails.

Look at Skanky.

What are those giant ornaments even supposed to be?

Boobs? A butt? Wait, are they testicles?

They're very clearly a butt. I think. Wait.

With that placement? Sorry, babe, it's a skanks

but no skanks for me on Skanky.

O-kay, it's a signed picture of

Countess Luann from The Real Housewives of New York?

We're in a Twitter thing, so I don't want it anymore.

And we've got Santa-iago Carpaccio,

who is dressed as the devil for some reason?

I accidentally ordered a Satan suit instead of a Santa suit,

but I'm embracing it.

You want to open or steal?

I'm sorry, child Tobins, but I need a gift

to send to my favorite cousin in Italy, Bobby Lasagna.

He loves music, so I will steal that tree.

Have fun in Italy, Skanky!

Oh, no, this is bad. This is very, very bad.

Vera we can simply kill, but how are we gonna get to Italy?

Oh, I'm gonna go rage-eat some dip!

Judy, I need to see you outside.

There's a serious medical situation with Wilhelm.

Oh, God, Wilhelm.

I completely forgot about our secret Christmas reindeer

because of our public twerking Christmas tree.

Well, get your act together and come with me

because I'm about to show you something you'll never forget.

Let's go.

Okay, there's only one steal left.

If one of our names isn't pulled soon,

we'll lose our beloved Skanky forever.

-No more Mr. Nice Wolf. -(knuckles cracking)

Whoa, what are you gonna do?

Oh, nothing, I just had to crack these knucks.

They're stiffer than

a skeleton's dong-a-long-a-ding-bong.

Judy Tobin.

Yes! She can steal. She can steal.

Judy, go get our man.

Judy? Judy?

Where in the H-E-double-L's is that girl?

Oh! I don't know.

She's not in a shed. With an animal. That's for sure.

Last call for Judy Tobin.

She's not here. Let's move it along.

Welp, back to the name barrel she goes.

No!

Okay, I can do this. I'm a big fan of

the show Savor This Labor, about L.A.'s best-dressed doula.

Um, okay...

First things first, does she have a written birth plan?

Uh, and does anyone have a mixtape

of her favorite songs for when it's time to push?

Next up is Beef Tobin.

Welp, that's the one person we know isn't gonna take Skanky.

Well, well, well. Isn't this interesting?

What to do? I could open a gift.

And, yet, if I did open a present, I would be haunted

knowing that Skanky is still out there in the world,

skanking up my favorite holiday.

We need to make a rule about speeches.

Put up or shut up, fish boy.

Delmer, geez.

Don't ring the Del-bell if you can't handle the noise, Peppers!

All right, Beef, what'll it be?

I choose...

to steal!

Bobby Lasagna!

Dad, where are you going?

To put Skanky at the bottom of the river!

Do not throw that beautiful man in the river!

If you do this, Dad, I'll never forgive you!

I mean, I probably will, someday,

but n-not right away. So, just, you know, take that in

and then decide what you want to do.

Run, Beef, run! Make him skank with the fishes!

Well, it wouldn't be a Lone Moose white elephant

if someone didn't run screaming towards the river at some point.

Next up, Archie the Wife Whittler.

Will you steal or open?

Um, I wonder what this could be.

-Get back here, Dad! -(screaming)

-Judy? -Moon?

Rudolph?

-No, we renamed him. -Her.

Right. Right, right, right.

-(moaning) -You have a reindeer?

Uh, yeah. And we're about to have several.

So, that's the missing reindeer.

And the town is getting a new reindeer baby.

Oh, hell yeah.

This is better than when we got a Macaroni Grill.

-(groaning) -I hope your dad gets back with the vet soon.

I mean, I've watched thousands of reindeer birthing videos

but it's different dealing with the real thing.

Which is something they always say in the videos.

I found the vet, I found Dr. French.

I was hucking snowballs at cars on the side of the road.

Helps me blow off steam.

Now, where is the reindeer?

-Is it you? -Uh...

Ha. Just kidding.

Guys, I know what reindeers look like.

I assume this is the missing gal

from Lone Moose's nasty Santa display?

-Yup. She followed me out of her pen. -Makes sense.

She was looking for somewhere private to let 'em loose.

Holy hot dogs, this reindeer is about to give birth

and is-- whoo-- fully dilated.

Just as I suspected based on the timing of her contractions.

You a veterinarian too, only tiny?

Are we dealing with a Doogie-type situation here?

I'm more of a Santa-ologist but I can scrub in, if you need me.

All right, I'm gonna need someone

to put a blanket down here because

we're all about to have some babies together.

Ah! Oh, my God, they're half human!

Just kidding. Sorry, guys, I'm just a lot of fun.

-Here it comes. Aww. -It's a miracle.

A miracle that smells very, very bad.

Skanky, meet the reindeer. Reindeer, meet the Skanky.

Aww, look at how she licks her babies to get them walking.

Reminds me of when Mom used to throw wet sponges at us

when she wanted us to leave the house.

So adorable.

Mayor Peppers, I hope I didn't ruin the party.

No, no, no, Moon.

Birthing a reindeer together during a Christmas party

is what this town is all about.

I'm... (sniffles)

Well, I'm a little...

Oh, gosh.

Let it out, Peps. Let it all out.

Dad, you're not really

gonna throw Skanky in the river, are you?

Of course not.

I'm going to wade in and then hold him under.

Dad!

Sorry, sorry. I just really hate Skanky.

Not just because it's an abomination

with chesticles or a high front butt,

or because it has the voice of a drunk demon,

it's so much more.

All right, spill it, Beef.

Why do you hate Skanky so much?

(sighs) It's a very personal story,

so I guess I'll just say it here in front of the entire town.

It was my first Christmas as a single dad

and I was low on cash,

so I made what, in hindsight, was a very stupid decision.

I spent a lot of money to rent a crab boat,

and took a gamble on crab season thinking I might strike it rich.

Not only was I not successful, I sank the rented boat.

Disaster.

When the holidays came, I was hard-pressed for cash.

And I mean pressed.

All December, I'd stay up late at night,

trying to figure out how to buy you guys

even a single cheap thing each.

In the end, I took my very small amount

to the "97 cents" section at the pharmacy downtown

and just went nuts buying random items,

including Skanky.

So, whenever I see that thing,

it reminds me of the year I really blew it,

and I'm filled with Christmas shame.

Dad, are you talking about Wacky Christmas?

Yeah, also known as Wackmas.

We loved that weird-ass Christmas!

Remember the reams of copy paper?

I played so many rounds of "small publishing house

trying to publish an unknown female poet's chapbook."

Oh, it was very fun for me.

Oh, and I loved that huge tube of toothpaste.

I was so mad my teeth weren't more gigantic. I'm still mad.

So, that year's Christmas really wasn't the depths of misery?

No way!

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

Beef, it sounds like you don't need to be ashamed

of Skanky because of that failed Christmas.

The kids clearly loved it.

So, you can just be ashamed of Skanky

because he's absolutely awful.

Indeed. But I do promise you guys

I didn't just get you a bunch of copy paper this year.

Well, I don't need anything. I've got five new reindeer pets.

Moon, no one's mad at you for hiding the reindeer.

That sham Santa setup downtown is a disaster.

I mean, one of the angels stole my wallet.

But we--

and I feel like I should not actually have to say this--

are not keeping five reindeer.

(sighs) Okay.

They could go to the wild animal sanctuary in Death Cliff.

It's so nice, I'd move in.

-Really? -No. Come on.

I'm a doctor of veterinary medicine.

I live in a wonderful two bedroom, one bath downtown.

Crown molding, updated appliances.

Honestly, it would blow your minds.

♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn Skank ♪

Huh, that's weird.

Never heard Skanky sing this one.

(gasps) It's an actual Christmas miracle.

Or a Skanky software glitch. But I prefer the former.

Wow, huh, the reindeer really love Skanky.

Yeah, they seem to have attached to him.

It's a thing. Kind of like me and my domesticated weasel.

I am obsessed with him.

Maybe the reindeer will feel better

if Skanky goes with them to the sanctuary.

Aww. It'll be a Skank-tuary.

Yeah, then we can visit them all together.

We all will.

-Not me. -Skanky can rot.

And now back to the party.

Let's light this freakin' candle already.

(cheering, whooping)

HONEYBEE: Aw, a giant eraser.

I love it. Now I just got to get

my giant pencil back from Henry.

That's not all. Look what else is in the box.

Babe, you didn't.

Tickets to see Mrs. Doubtfire On Ice?

(as Mrs. Doubtfire): Hello!

(as Mrs. Doubtfire): It was a skate-by fruiting.

Dad, this one's from all of us.

Ugh, I have a very bad feeling this might be Skanky.

No way. We know you hated Skanky, Dad.

-We accept it. -I swear it's not him.

And you know I don't throw promises around

all loosey-goosey like the rest of these psychopaths.

-Ah! Oh, dear God. -(laughter)

JUDY: There it is.

Welcome to the family, Sleazy the Nasty Snowman.

Oh, hell no.

♪ One, two, a-one, two, threeze ♪

♪ Everybody in the car, so come on, let's sleaze ♪

This is truly my nightmare.

When everyone is asleep,

you're going right into the fire.

♪ A little bit of Sleazy in my life ♪

♪ Ho ho ho, mother-jinglers ♪

♪ If you're lookin' for a wintertime freak ♪

♪ Well, then we're two naughty boys you got to meet ♪

♪ If you leave us unattended, we might burn down your home ♪

♪ Take a peep in your stocking, steal your Toblerone ♪

♪ Gonna open all your presents, undecorate that tree ♪

♪ Throw your granny's fruitcake out onto the street ♪

♪ 'Cause we're the bad boys of Christmas ♪

♪ We don't give a damn ♪

♪ The bad boys of Christmas, eat your holiday ham ♪

♪ Gonna eat up those cookies you left for Santy Claus ♪

♪ That clown don't deserve 'em, they belong in our paws ♪

♪ Go straight bananas, steal your Christmas pajamas ♪

♪ If you can't handle us, then go cry to your mama ♪

♪ 'Cause we're the bad boys of Christmas ♪

♪ We don't give a damn ♪

♪ Bad boys of Christmas ♪

♪ Eat your holiday ham ♪

♪ BBOC, out. ♪

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