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1
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Adult Adam: Back in the '80s
I had a lot of crappy jobs.
2
00:00:03,212 --> 00:00:06,465
I worked in an ice-cream shop,
an arcade, even on a film set.
3
00:00:06,924 --> 00:00:10,426
And with a year off, I found
myself working at a '50s diner.
4
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:11,970
There was one great perk...
5
00:00:11,971 --> 00:00:14,931
I still got to perform
for the dinner customers.
6
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:18,476
- Watch where you're going, Biff.
- Can it, Spike.
7
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:20,561
You're just sore 'cause
Foxy likes me and not you.
8
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,772
Boys, boys, boys, boys.
9
00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:24,357
Boys, no need to fight.
10
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,401
There's plenty of Foxy to go around.
11
00:00:26,402 --> 00:00:28,111
But we always fight.
12
00:00:28,112 --> 00:00:30,947
We're the Firebirds,
the rebels of this town.
13
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,949
And we're the Varsity Club.
14
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:35,994
We're polite with adults,
and we keep it above the waist.
15
00:00:35,995 --> 00:00:39,706
Excuse me, I'm adorable and new in town.
16
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,749
Can someone tell me
where the malt shop is?
17
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:45,169
- You're in it.
- I'm lost, too... in your eyes.
18
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:46,462
What'sa matter, fellas?
19
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,256
Never seen a girl before?
20
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:51,926
Not one like this. Va-va-voom!
21
00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,928
You made me drop my lucky comb.
22
00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:56,431
Now I gotta take out
my feelings of inadequacy
23
00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:58,349
on Biff's preppy face!
24
00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:02,020
Wait, Spike, maybe we don't
have to rumble anymore.
25
00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:04,647
I mean, we like the same
things, don't we?
26
00:01:04,648 --> 00:01:08,318
- You mean...
- Both: Girls, cars, and rock and roll!
27
00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:09,610
Hit it, Rocco.
28
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:18,578
? We're gonna meet some girls
and make 'em scream ?
29
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:24,000
? We're gonna talk about
their hopes and dreams ?
30
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:29,297
? We're gonna park at night
and rock their worlds ?
31
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:34,428
? We're gonna compliment them
on their pearls ?
32
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:38,306
? They're gonna cruise like
rockets through the night ?
33
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:41,851
? They're gonna fully stop
at every light ?
34
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:45,229
? We're gonna stay out late,
'til after dawn ?
35
00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:50,359
? We're gonna get up early
and mow the lawn ?
36
00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:54,030
? But on one thing they agree ?
37
00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:57,325
? One sim-i-lar-i-ty ?
38
00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,410
? We'd gladly sell our souls ?
39
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:01,871
? For girls, cars, and rock and roll ?
40
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,833
? I'm twisted up inside ?
41
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:09,045
? But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ?
42
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:11,672
- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
43
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,132
? I don't know the future ?
44
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:17,136
? But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ?
45
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,055
It was November 30th, 1980-something
46
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,681
and to no one's surprise,
47
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:23,351
Barry was crushing it at medical school.
48
00:02:23,352 --> 00:02:27,438
Some of you excelled
on your immunology papers.
49
00:02:27,439 --> 00:02:31,901
Others of you seemed immune to studying.
50
00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:37,031
Dr. Platz takes the driest topics
51
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,074
and makes them wet with humor.
52
00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:41,577
But this is an opportunity to remind you
53
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:45,581
how demanding the career path
you've chosen can be.
54
00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:49,961
I swear, he's got no off switch.
55
00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,546
But for Straight-A Barry,
56
00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:55,425
- this exam grade was no laughing matter.
- Oh, no.
57
00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:57,885
So he did what he
always did... wildly overreact.
58
00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:00,430
- JTP and others.
- All: JTP and...
59
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:03,683
Enough of your ridiculous chit chat.
60
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,727
Today, I received a B-minus.
61
00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,563
A B-minus isn't so bad.
62
00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:11,399
And that, Naked Robert, is why
you'll forever be mediocre,
63
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,276
and struggle to support
a wife and children.
64
00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:15,486
I'm gonna have
a wife and children? Sweet!
65
00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:17,447
But I'll spend the next two weeks
66
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,157
making the necessary changes
67
00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:21,534
so as not to wind up a bum,
like Matt Bradley,
68
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,536
or worse, a chiropractor.
69
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,746
- That seems fair.
- First order of business...
70
00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:27,707
I hereby disband the JTP.
71
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,041
Because you're slightly struggling
72
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,626
in med school, we can't hang out?
73
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:31,836
Not even without me.
74
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,546
The thought of you cavorting
in my absence
75
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,881
is way too distracting.
76
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,299
When this meeting is adjourned,
77
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,301
you'll each be assigned
different directions to walk in.
78
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:41,220
And none of them are
the directions you came from.
79
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,680
But we live together.
80
00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:45,516
Then you will fill your
apartment with Japanese dividers
81
00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:47,351
to only see each other's silhouettes
82
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,187
as you rush to and from the fridge.
83
00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:51,314
Creative and virtually impossible.
84
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:52,773
You're off to a great start here, babe.
85
00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:55,234
Geoff and Erica, regretfully,
I will not be seeing you
86
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,236
during this intense period of study.
87
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,197
- Oh, my heart's heavy, Bar.
- I'm good with it.
88
00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:02,992
Baby Muriel, I won't be
available for the interactions
89
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:05,161
that bond us as uncle and girl-nephew.
90
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,204
But to the extent that I care,
91
00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:07,747
which is slightly above not at all,
92
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:08,956
is Joanne also getting the gift
93
00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:10,333
of not seeing you for two weeks?
94
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:12,126
Bite your tongue, sister.
95
00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:15,546
Joanne is my sleepy-time companion.
96
00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:18,049
Yay, graphic details of my
sister's robust intimate life.
97
00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:20,426
And I'll require silence in this house.
98
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,261
It is way too loud and chaotic!
99
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,638
That's 100% because of you.
100
00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:25,389
Bar, maybe we should spend
101
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,058
the next two weeks at my parents' house.
102
00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:29,435
Yeah, their bland personalities
and drab home
103
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:30,811
will be way less distracting.
104
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:32,021
And Lou is sort of a doctor,
105
00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:33,898
so he'll understand my delicate needs.
106
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:34,899
Our dad's an actual doctor.
107
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,317
He's an eye doctor.
108
00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,611
That's the chiropractor of the face.
109
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,404
Meeting adjourned.
110
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,448
As Barry was hunkering down
in his studies,
111
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,492
I was cleaning up at the diner.
112
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,661
You need to put a little bit
more elbow grease on that.
113
00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,120
Oh, I'm not trying to clean it.
114
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,789
I'm just trying to look busy
until my shift ends.
115
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,917
Wow. You are management material.
116
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,670
- So, you got any plans?
- I do.
117
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,296
Hone my craft at NYU Film School,
118
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,090
jump into indies and low budget stuff,
119
00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:00,883
and ultimately create
summer blockbusters
120
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,260
that make more money than sense.
121
00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:04,303
I meant tonight, like, after work.
122
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,513
Of course you did.
123
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,181
And again, it's a yes.
124
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,975
Tuesdays have become movie night
with my old lady.
125
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,601
You have a girlfriend?
126
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:12,770
Older lady. My mom.
127
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,564
Oh, well, that's too bad
128
00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:16,274
'cause we're all going out
to TJ O'Funn's.
129
00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:17,525
You should come.
130
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:20,194
Sorry, previously engaged.
131
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,780
To be clear, I'm not engaged to my mom.
132
00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:24,448
Lovely gal, but not for me.
133
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,742
Okay. You have fun.
134
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,704
Whoa, it was awesome
135
00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:31,247
how uncomfortable that was, Goldnerd.
136
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,498
I savored every gross moment.
137
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:33,624
What are you talking about?
138
00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:35,960
Carmen clearly likes you, bro.
139
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:38,296
No way! Women don't pursue me.
140
00:05:38,297 --> 00:05:40,089
Look we can all agree she must
be totally broken in the head,
141
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,382
but it seems to be real.
142
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:44,051
So the only question is...
do you like her?
143
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,304
Carmen, who when
I make eye contact with,
144
00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:48,055
I blush like a harvest apple?
145
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,473
Yeah, there's a fondness.
146
00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,309
Then you should totally
come out with us tonight.
147
00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:54,020
I would, but Tuesday nights
are for my mom.
148
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,772
As are Fridays, Sundays
and cuddle-fest Thursdays.
149
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:58,357
She calls me her warmest blanket.
150
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,027
Seriously, bro, are you a child?
151
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,946
No, although
I still go to a pediatrician,
152
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,990
but that's just because he knows
my body better than anyone.
153
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,117
Just tell your mommy
that something came up
154
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:09,744
and you'll do weird stuff
with her next time.
155
00:06:09,745 --> 00:06:11,747
Good advice, hurtfully delivered.
156
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,708
Hey, Carmen, I was wondering,
157
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:16,959
are those plans still on the table?
158
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,170
Totally. Be there or be square.
159
00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:20,828
Oh, I think I'm gonna
prove to you that I can do both.
160
00:06:20,829 --> 00:06:21,829
Oh.
161
00:06:21,830 --> 00:06:23,758
I was fully in on plans
with my work friends.
162
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,011
All I had to do
was break the news to my mom.
163
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,929
Mama, I'm not going to be able to see
164
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:31,390
- "Endless Love" with you tonight.
- What?!
165
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,143
That's the quintessential
mother-son movie.
166
00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:36,937
It's certainly an unsettling
description of that saucy film.
167
00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:39,440
I'm sorry, but I made some
plans with my pals from work.
168
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,276
And their parents are okay
with them roving around town
169
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:44,111
like a bunch of sailors on shore leave?
170
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:46,113
They're 20, and it's dinner
at a chain restaurant
171
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,239
in the lobby of the Sheraton.
172
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,449
You have been wanting to find
173
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,327
- the lad some same-aged compadres.
- Wait.
174
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,287
You guys discuss my social life?
175
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,872
You're one of our favorite subjects.
176
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:57,750
That, and Ginzy's impossibly green lawn.
177
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,794
What is she doing that I'm not?
178
00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:01,212
And why is she such a [bleep] about it?
179
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:02,213
You know what, Adam?
180
00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,548
Go. Have fun with your friends.
181
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:07,385
Thank you for recognizing
that I'm not a child anymore.
182
00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:09,470
Also, may I have $20 for dinner?
183
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:10,888
I'm saving up my work money
184
00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,849
for a Skyhammer Ultra Pretender
Transformer.
185
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,352
While I was planning
to head out on the town,
186
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,604
Barry was settling in
at the Schwartzes'.
187
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,356
A study treat for Barry?
188
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:22,233
He's under so much pressure.
189
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:24,193
He couldn't choose a flavor, so he said,
190
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:25,986
"Just make one with all the fruits."
191
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,406
Well, our children and grandchild
192
00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,950
spend so much time at the Goldbergs',
193
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,953
I guess it's nice to have
one of theirs for a change.
194
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,955
Even if it's not the one
anyone really wanted.
195
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:39,708
Here is your pie.
196
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:42,211
Oh, heavens, your feet
are on the table, yeah,
197
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,171
in the exact same spot
that I eat and pray.
198
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,465
Sorry, Linda,
but my big brain only works
199
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,800
when my little piggies are happy.
200
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,635
What happened to my horse figurines?!
201
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,637
Yeah. We got rid of them.
202
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,347
They were staring right at me.
203
00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:56,016
Barry doesn't get along
with horses or zebras.
204
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,184
They're the horses of Africa.
205
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:59,645
Zebras are nothing like horses.
206
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:01,522
This is madness.
207
00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:03,816
While Barry was proving to be
a difficult guest,
208
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,861
I was feeling right at home
with my work friends.
209
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:08,487
Look at us, sipping drinks
on a weeknight
210
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,365
- like we're in Barcelona.
- Okay, you two, beat it.
211
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,492
- Johnny out.
- Byeee.
212
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,827
Whoa, that was abrupt.
213
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,120
Is it because Johnny burped
214
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,496
the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"?
215
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,582
Well, that and so that
216
00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:22,001
it would be just you and me.
217
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,502
Interesting.
218
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,753
And it was.
219
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:26,297
Alone with a girl I liked?
220
00:08:26,298 --> 00:08:29,633
This would require
a few drinks, so we drank.
221
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:32,428
My new prescription is fun!
222
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:34,555
Wait, these are actually helping.
223
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:36,307
You are not like other guys I meet.
224
00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:37,683
But I can change.
225
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:38,809
Give me a list of their attributes.
226
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,603
I'll get to work.
227
00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:42,521
We drank a lot.
228
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:45,191
It was a night I'd never forget,
229
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:48,694
- except for how I got here.
- Hey.
230
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,947
Oh, where am I?
231
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,616
You crashed on my couch.
232
00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:55,117
Without my bedtime milk?
233
00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:57,369
- Apparently.
- Oh, balls!
234
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,663
Did anything happen?
235
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:01,832
Yeah, we robbed like six banks.
236
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,335
Oh, my God! What?!
237
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:05,753
We smooched on the couch a little,
238
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,547
- and then you passed out.
- Oh, well,
239
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,091
I am profoundly sorry
for my ungentlemanly deeds.
240
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,885
Don't be. I had fun.
241
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,553
Okay, but I should go.
242
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:15,930
My mom tends to worry.
243
00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:18,058
Yeah, her name came up
an uncomfortable amount.
244
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,101
I just had to sneak back home
245
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:22,561
before my mom knew what happened.
246
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,188
How hard could that be?
247
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:26,941
- Turns out, pretty hard.
- Excuse me, sir.
248
00:09:26,942 --> 00:09:28,692
Sir, you need to come with me.
249
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:31,237
Is there a law against
taking a morning stroll
250
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,822
in the same pants, shirt,
and unmentionables
251
00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:33,823
you wore the night before?
252
00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:35,116
I'm not here to arrest you.
253
00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:37,285
- I'm here for the reward.
- Reward?
254
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:46,335
- Oh, my God.
- You're the "baby angel"
255
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,295
who was "stolen from her breast," right?
256
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,423
You know I am. Let's just ride.
257
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:57,179
I knew my mom was worried
that I was out all night,
258
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:59,014
but maybe we could discuss it
like reasonable people.
259
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,976
Where in the [bleep] were you?
260
00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:04,311
Ooh, coming in hot but deserved.
261
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,480
Why is my high school
guidance counselor here?
262
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,899
When will you acknowledge
that I have transitioned
263
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:12,319
from scholastic acquaintance
to top-tier family friend?
264
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,822
I aged years last night
worrying about you,
265
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:17,324
though you would never know it
because of my fabulous skin.
266
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:19,618
- It's like a fine Dutch porcelain.
- Thank you.
267
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:20,744
Would "just a guidance counselor"
268
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:21,829
say something that personal?
269
00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,205
I don't think so.
270
00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,082
Look, I'm really sorry
that you were worried.
271
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,876
I should have called.
The night got away from me.
272
00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,544
Well, that makes everything okay.
273
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:32,256
And that is sarcasm as only
a close friend would recognize.
274
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,133
And may I ask where you slept?
275
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,928
- I have the same question.
- At Carmen's.
276
00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:40,055
And what did Carmen's parents
have to say about that?
277
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:43,642
- She lives alone.
- Oh, Carmen lives alone,
278
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,395
like the bawdy heroine
of a Danielle Steel novel.
279
00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:47,980
No supervision,
280
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:51,066
just Sodom and Gomorrah
over at Carmen's place!
281
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,068
It's actually a...
a pleasant one-bedroom.
282
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,403
And that's the last time
you're ever gonna be
283
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,905
in that den of sin,
284
00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:57,907
because I forbid you from
ever speaking to Carmen again.
285
00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:59,074
A line in the sand.
286
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:00,743
You can't forbid me from seeing her.
287
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,036
We work together.
288
00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,746
That harlot is leading you astray.
289
00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:07,166
It's none of your business,
but we just kissed.
290
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,460
Ugh! I don't need a recap
of the "The Blue Lagoon."
291
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:11,921
Mom, come on. I'm almost 20.
292
00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:13,464
I don't care if you're almost 90.
293
00:11:13,465 --> 00:11:15,966
If you're living under my roof,
you will live by my rules.
294
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:18,052
Maybe I'll live under Carmen's roof!
295
00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:20,179
She has way too much wicker
for a young person,
296
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,306
but I'll make do!
297
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:24,600
I had no interest
in listening to my mom,
298
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:28,437
but Joanne wanted to hear some
relationship advice from Geoff.
299
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:30,105
- Got a sec?
- Sure.
300
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,857
I'm just putting some new laces
on Erica's favorite boots.
301
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,776
Really? She asked you to do that?
302
00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:35,444
Oh, I just do it before she has to ask.
303
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,112
It's much better for everyone that way.
304
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,239
That's kind of what I wanted
to talk to you about.
305
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,449
Is it me, or is it sometimes
306
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,284
hard to be in a relationship
with a Goldberg?
307
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:45,371
Sometimes? Shut the door.
308
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,207
Barry's been staying with me,
309
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,959
and Mom and Dad, and it's been...
310
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,336
Difficult? Tricky? A minefield?
311
00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:54,004
Yes! We're trying to help him,
312
00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:55,547
but nothing we ever do is good enough.
313
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,299
Goldberg children were raised to believe
314
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,926
that the entire world
revolves around them.
315
00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,970
And it is our job
as their significant other
316
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,972
to reinforce that belief every day.
317
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:04,306
Here's a fun way to think about it.
318
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:06,767
Why does this house
have so many chalkboards?
319
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:09,228
FISS? Is that a new cola
that'll put Barry to sleep?
320
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,480
It's the acronym that every
Goldberg significant other
321
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,898
must live by...
322
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,901
flatter, inflate their ego,
serve their every need,
323
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,653
and spoil them,
just like they're used to.
324
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:20,030
I'm not sure I can
or should do all of that.
325
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,616
Oh, believe me, if you put
your mind to it, you can FISS.
326
00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:24,576
You may not take as much joy
in FISS-ing as I do,
327
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,953
but that's because I was born to FISS.
328
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:27,455
- You'll get there.
- Erica: Geoff!
329
00:12:31,626 --> 00:12:33,502
Yo, those boots almost done?
330
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:34,670
Uh, yes, my combustible flower.
331
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,005
I'm so sorry for the delay.
332
00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:37,214
It's just I was talking to my sister,
333
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:40,300
- but it won't happen again.
- Cool, cool.
334
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:41,802
While Joanne realized
she needed to stay one step
335
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:43,554
ahead of Barry's needs,
336
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,973
my mom was trying to stay
ahead of my love life.
337
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:48,809
Adam, thank God you're okay.
338
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,477
Brea, what are you doing here?
339
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:52,002
I rushed here when I
heard about the accident.
340
00:12:52,003 --> 00:12:53,003
What accident?
341
00:12:53,004 --> 00:12:54,880
Your mom said you were
in a horrible car wreck
342
00:12:54,881 --> 00:12:56,340
and it was touch and go.
343
00:12:56,341 --> 00:12:59,052
Oh, no, Brea, you must have misheard me.
344
00:12:59,053 --> 00:13:02,096
See, when Adam was four,
I was driving him to preschool,
345
00:13:02,097 --> 00:13:03,640
and we got in a little fender bender.
346
00:13:03,641 --> 00:13:05,308
That is not at all what you said.
347
00:13:05,309 --> 00:13:06,601
Words, huh?
348
00:13:06,602 --> 00:13:08,312
They mean different things
to different people.
349
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,872
Anyway, you're here now,
350
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:12,541
so why don't you two reconnect
over some blondies?
351
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,502
Mom, did you drag Brea
all the way down here to see me?
352
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:18,213
"All the way down here"?
Don't be so dramatic.
353
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:20,007
Providence is practically next door.
354
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,508
It was 6 1/2 hours by bus,
355
00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:23,510
next to an asthmatic man
who kept passing out on me.
356
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:26,180
Exactly, easy breezy, guy was wheezy.
357
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:30,017
You guys used to like
to watch movies, right?
358
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:34,063
"Goonies," "Say Anything," ooh,
"Weekend at Bernie's,"...
359
00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:36,607
the lead actor is a dead human being.
360
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:38,400
Comedy!
361
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:41,403
Mom, you have crossed a line
from which there is no return!
362
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:42,571
What do you mean, Schmoo?
363
00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:44,823
I just happened to call your ex Brea,
364
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,658
who I have always adored, by the way.
365
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,368
You made me sit alone at Thanksgiving.
366
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,787
You called it the Brea table.
367
00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,122
I thought you'd like
your own table, Princess.
368
00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:54,166
Well, the point is,
369
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,959
you and Adam were made for each other.
370
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,753
I finally see it now.
371
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,004
You're just pulling out all the stops
372
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,965
- 'cause you don't want me with Carmen.
- Carmen?
373
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,218
A girl I'm kinda seeing at work.
374
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:06,011
And somehow it gets even more awkward.
375
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:08,472
So I did a little bit of matchmaking.
376
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,974
But look at how adorable Brea is.
377
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,434
You were in love with her before.
378
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,937
Why don't you just jump
right back on that bike, huh?
379
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:16,522
Lucky me, I'm the bike here.
380
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,981
Get this through your head...
381
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,399
if you don't start treating me
like an adult,
382
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,609
you and I are finished.
383
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:25,447
I don't think this was
the best use of my midterm week.
384
00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:27,658
While I laid down the law with my mom,
385
00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:30,452
Joanne was trying to step up
her support of Barry,
386
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:31,620
starting with flattery.
387
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,705
Ooh! There's my super-smart fella,
388
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,499
getting his immunology on.
389
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,000
You're in my light.
390
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:39,753
And what'd I say about clomping
around in such loud shoes?
391
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:42,005
- I'm barefoot.
- Around this place?
392
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:43,090
Yuck.
393
00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:46,593
- She tried inflating his ego.
- Congratulations,
394
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,804
you are Medical School Student
of the Month,
395
00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,305
which is totally a real thing.
396
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,515
Great, just put it over there
397
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:52,766
where the others will eventually go.
398
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,226
She tried serving him.
399
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,979
Six different types of salami,
just like you requested.
400
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,689
I requested seven.
401
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,357
- They were out of capicola.
- What?
402
00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:02,818
At least tell me they had all
five of the cheeses I asked for.
403
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:05,113
- No Havarti.
- It's not a party without Havarti.
404
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,698
I have to walk this off.
405
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,449
And she tried spoiling him.
406
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:12,077
Okay. I washed your car,
I brushed your hair,
407
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,037
and I whispered, "You're
a champion," in your ear.
408
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:16,456
Fanning isn't working.
I'm still slightly dewy.
409
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:17,791
You could take your sweater off.
410
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,334
It would take too long. Linda!
411
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,587
May I trouble you
for a freshly brewed iced tea
412
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,255
and three Popsicles?!
413
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,883
Sorry, Barry, but Lou and I
have to suddenly go away.
414
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,134
Where are you going?
415
00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:28,635
We'll think of somewhere in the car.
416
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,429
- No one can live like this.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
417
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,389
Ah, just as well.
418
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,182
I don't think they knew how distracting they were.
419
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,768
With that, Joanne finally had enough.
420
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,061
You know what?
421
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:40,564
- You suck.
- What?
422
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,316
All I've done is try to help you,
423
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,151
but you just keep demanding more.
424
00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:45,569
You've chased my parents away,
425
00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:47,404
and all you think about is yourself.
426
00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:50,532
Joanne, you know I'm going
through a difficult time.
427
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,034
What if I can't make it in med school
428
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:53,911
and don't become a top-ranked surgeon?
429
00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:56,371
Barry, that doesn't give you
the right to be awful.
430
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,290
You know what? Go FISS yourself.
431
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,883
My mom finally understood
that she'd pushed me too far
432
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,468
about Carmen, and she was
determined to make it right.
433
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:10,469
Oh, hello, Carmen.
434
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,262
Oh, you must be Beverly.
435
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,222
- How did you know?
- Adam described you.
436
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,724
You are pretty unmistakable.
437
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,976
Yes, yes. I am a blonde bombshell.
438
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,937
His words probably.
439
00:16:19,938 --> 00:16:21,271
Uh, he's in the back. I'll go get him.
440
00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:26,360
- Oh, actually, I wanted to speak to you.
- Speak to me?
441
00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:30,238
Adam was right, he is
an adult man with adult needs.
442
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:31,740
O-kay.
443
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:35,702
Therefore, the two of you
are welcome to use our home
444
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:39,915
- whenever you like as your love nest.
- Oh, boy.
445
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,124
There's a working Jacuzzi
in the basement.
446
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:44,419
- It takes about 4 hours to properly heat.
- I don't need to know this.
447
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,129
The weekend of the 16th,
448
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,840
I will be in Delaware at a sweater expo.
449
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,094
You might want to circle
those dates in your calendar.
450
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:54,471
- Why would I...
- We're not big drinkers,
451
00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:57,891
but in the garage
there are wine coolers,
452
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,476
- Chablis...
- Oh.
453
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:02,521
- ... beer with a blue ribbon on it signifying quality.
- Mnh.
454
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:03,563
Please help yourselves
455
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,357
to whatever would set an adult mood.
456
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,984
- I'm rarely uncomfortable, but...
- Oh!
457
00:17:06,985 --> 00:17:08,527
There's a baby living in our house,
458
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,196
so I would ask that you keep
the sounds of your passion
459
00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:12,739
down to a reasonable volume.
460
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:13,991
Okay, that's enough.
461
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:17,828
Um, Adam is a very sweet guy,
462
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,287
but we're just getting
to know each other.
463
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,498
- That's all that's going on.
- I see.
464
00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,083
I know I'm not the one to tell you this,
465
00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:25,460
but if Adam was in college right now,
466
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:28,714
he would be meeting new people,
trying new things,
467
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,215
even making mistakes,
468
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,426
and you would not be there
for any of that.
469
00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:34,636
- So what are you saying?
- I'm saying,
470
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:36,680
if you want to continue
having a relationship
471
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:40,350
with your son into adulthood,
you gotta give him some space.
472
00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:45,897
You make some good points.
473
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,775
I'm pretty smart for someone
who skipped college.
474
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,862
- You skipped college?
- I'm gonna go.
475
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,614
Oh, my dear God.
476
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:57,159
Carmen had given my mom
a lot to think about.
477
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,036
And Barry was still thinking
about how badly
478
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:01,496
- he'd messed up with Joanne.
- Hey.
479
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,708
- What's wrong? Another bad grade?
- Yeah.
480
00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:08,253
- I'm failing as a boyfriend.
- Yeah, I get it.
481
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:10,547
I know I could be better
to Geoff sometimes.
482
00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:13,133
Did Mom just raise us to be the worst?
483
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,719
No. Mom made us the center
of her universe
484
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,512
and always put our needs first.
485
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,348
The only problem is that
we kind of grew up
486
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,016
expecting everyone else in the world
487
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:22,517
to treat us the way that she does.
488
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,394
Well, you're the center
of Geoff's universe.
489
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:26,104
There's nobody like Geoff.
490
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,397
God bless him, he wakes up thinking
491
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:29,608
about how to make my life better.
492
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:32,819
- You're pretty lucky.
- The luckiest.
493
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,112
But one day the dam might break
494
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,697
and he'll have a full meltdown,
495
00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:39,076
which will cause me to face some
difficult truths about myself,
496
00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,911
but until then, I got it pretty good.
497
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:44,206
- Yeah, but Joanne's not like that.
- No she's not.
498
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:46,375
She's a tough cookie.
499
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:48,919
But trust me, when you're
with a Schwartz,
500
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,796
you do not want to lose them.
501
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:56,510
- I think I finally get it.
- Good.
502
00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:57,844
Now tell Geoff to get in here.
503
00:18:57,845 --> 00:19:00,764
I gotta tell that sexy dork
how much I love him.
504
00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:03,392
Love can take many forms.
505
00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:06,561
Sometimes it's about
giving people space.
506
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:09,439
- Got a sec?
- I guess.
507
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,690
? How... ?
508
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:14,027
A wise person has told me
509
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:17,155
I've been too controlling
with my very adult son.
510
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,157
That person makes a lot of sense.
511
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,369
? ... fashioned by fate
could suffer so hard? ?
512
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:25,789
Look, I know I've said this before,
513
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:29,584
but I am gonna try to back off a little.
514
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,420
I would appreciate that,
515
00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:34,840
but it is also nice to know
how much you care.
516
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,884
And I'll never stop.
517
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,971
But to that end, uh, the next
time you're gonna be late...
518
00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:42,848
I'll call. You better.
519
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:47,436
? Is it so wrong
to be human after all? ?
520
00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,312
Other times, it's just about showing
521
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:51,440
how much you appreciate them.
522
00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:52,858
What's all this?
523
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,443
You guys tried so hard to help,
524
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:55,819
it's the least I can do.
525
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:59,990
- But don't you have to study?
- Ah, it can wait.
526
00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:01,116
My whole life, being a doctor
527
00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:02,576
was the most important thing to me,
528
00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:04,035
but then I met you.
529
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,580
? We're only human after all ?
530
00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:07,664
? Oh, these changing years ?
531
00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:09,875
Let's eat.
532
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,710
But one thing that's as true now
533
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,254
as it was in the '80s and the '50s...
534
00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:18,467
... is that if you have people around you
535
00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:19,926
who give you what you need...
536
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:21,178
- Wait, no, w... wait.
- What?
537
00:20:21,179 --> 00:20:25,098
- Sit.
- ... you're never fully on your own.
538
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:31,099
? Because there's something
about you, baby, so right ?
539
00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:38,069
Adam, do you know
how I got in here just now?
540
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,907
- You walked.
- Yes, but first I used this.
541
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,283
I'm pretty sure it was unlocked.
542
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,951
Well, I could've used this.
543
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:45,952
Do you know what this is?
544
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:47,787
A key to the Goldberg home.
545
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,582
And why would I be entrusted
with such a precious item?
546
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,583
I bet you're gonna tell me.
547
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,251
It's a token of my place
548
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,505
as the unspoken official member
of your family.
549
00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,840
Let's emphasize the unspoken part.
550
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:02,344
I was at all your graduations,
Erica's wedding reception,
551
00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:04,638
and when baby Muriel
came home from the hospital,
552
00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:06,598
who was the 13th person to hold her?
553
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,142
Someone who loves to interrupt
a man's breakfast?
554
00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:12,521
John Latifa Glascott,
the permanent holder
555
00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:14,814
of the golden key of trust.
556
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,942
Ah! There's my emergency spare.
557
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:19,736
Ginzy's back home from vacation,
so it's hers again.
558
00:21:19,737 --> 00:21:23,114
Rats and mice! I was so close.
559
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:25,868
I'm taking an orange.
560
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:31,869
- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
43011
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