All language subtitles for ZIWE s02e09 Tech.eng

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Original subtitles

jovial�orchestral�music

[mechanical�whirring]

[typing]

Like�Santa,�tech�knows�when you're�sleeping�and�knows�when

you're�awake...

and�knows�when you're�menstruating,

so�delete�your�cookies.

-[zap] -[glitching]

Oh,�no!

It's�mad!

Control,�alt,�delete!

Control,�alt,�delete!

Technology�is�coming�for�us, whether�we�like�it�or�not.

Run!

[sighs]�Just�kidding...

You�can't�hide!

Whether�it's�NFT�or a�dot�com�bubble,

AI�or�Ja�Rule's�Sims, tech�is�terrifying,

but�it�makes�our lives�so�much�easier.

Roomba?!

Roomba?!

[banging]

Oh,�don't�mind him,�he's�just,�uh...

feelin'�himself.

[beeping]

Tonight,�I'll�be talking�with�Blake�Griffin.

Obviously,�I�can beat�the�robot�up.

[beeping]

-dramatic�music -Wow!

And�Joel�Kim�Booster.

I�don't�know anything�about�tech.

-Yup. -[Ziwe]�Hm.

I�said�it.

And�while�you're�watching me,�tech�will�be�watching�you.

Ziwe � starts�now.

[laughs]

[echoing�laugh]

[glitching]

cool�theme�music

An�athlete,�a�comedian...

Snip,�snap,�to�the�flo'.

[Ziwe�VO]�A�public advocate�of�NFTs.

When�I�think�Big�Tech,�I think�of�my�guest�tonight,

because�he's�6'9.

Please�welcome�Blake�Griffin.

elegant�strings

Hi.

Thank�you�for�coming to�do�the�show,�Blake;

this�is�an�honor.

You're�one�of�my�comedy�heroes.

-Oh,�thank�you,�appreciate�it. -[Ziwe]�Yes,�yes,�yes,�yes,�yes.

What�do�you�think�of�this�robot?

Uh,�it's�cool.

Got�my�face,�obviously.

Uh,�Brooklyn�Nets hat,�that's�cool.

I�think�it�started�out as�a�trash�can,�which...

seems�insulting.

I�like�that�you're�a�little competitive�with�this�robot.

Competitiveness�is, like,�the�name�of�the�game...

-[computer�booting] -My�game,�uh,�so�yeah.

How�did�you�prep�for�this?

Uh,�I�just�watched every�episode�front�to�back.

You're�really,�really, like,�a�tenacious�researcher.

-[softly]�Yep. -[softly]�Yep.

What'd�you�learn from�the�Chet�episode?

Uh,�that�one,�boy, that�one�was�good,

'cause,�uh,�obviously, his�dad�is�Tom�Hanks.

-[Ziwe]�Mm. -[computer�booting]

You�seem�to�know�a�lot�about people's�credits�and�who�they're

-related�to. -Mm-hm.

What�is�that�about?

Um,�I�don't�know,�I�recently got�a�IMDb�Pro�subscription

-so... -[Ziwe]�Oh!

[Blake]�Just�put�that�to�use.

Got�it.

Recently,�you�said�for every�dunk�you�made,

you�donated�$100�to fight�child�obesity.

[Blake]�Mm-hm.

So�is�child obesity�a�game�to�you?

I�sort�of addressed�it�as�a�game...

-[Ziwe]�Mm. -But�it's�not�a�game.

I�think�me�and�Michelle Obama�are�both�on�the�same�page;

we�know�it's�a very�serious�matter.

How�often�do�you�compare yourself�to�the�most�powerful

Black�woman�in�America?

A�lot.

More�than�you�would�think.

Um...

What�do�you�think�is more�important�for�children,

to�understand�NFTs or�childhood�obesity?

Childhood�obesity�comes in�many�shapes�and�sizes.

[Ziwe]�Mm.

And�not�every�kid has�to�have�a�six�pack...

but�it'd�be�nice.

Did�you�have�a�six pack�as�a�kid,�Blake?

I�don't�think�I did,�I�don't�remember.

What�did�you look�like�as�a�kid?

Uh,�I�looked�like�a�smaller, younger�version�of�myself.

That�was�a�joke written�by�Alexa.

She�ghostwrote�for�me.

bass�riff

One�of�your�NFTs�is going�for�six�dollars.

What�do�you�plan�on doing�with�that�money?

-I�donated�it. -You�donated�it.

-Yeah. -To�where?

Uh,�to�childhood�obesity.

To�childhood�obesity.

Only�six�dollars, you�cheap�[bleep]?

Well,�no,�that�was�on top�of�the�hundreds,�uh,

the�dunks,�the�dunk�money.

Could�you�explain what�an�NFT�is�to�me?

And�explain�it�to�me like�I�am�an�idiot.

Okay,�so,�the�N�in "NFT"�stands�for�"non"...

-Okay. -Which�is�like�"not."

F�stands�for�"fungible."

Which�is�like?

It's�fun�but�it's�manageable.

Oh!

You�know,�it's, like,�fun�to�look�at,

it's�nice�to�look�at, but�it's�also�manageable.

Like,�it�doesn't- it's�not�overpowering.

You�know�how�some�art�is�a little�bit�overpowering?

They�tried...to�kill...my�wife!

And�then�"tokens."

You�know�tokens.

Uh...

Yeah,�but�if�you could�elaborate�for�me...

It's�just�a�token.

At�the�end�of�the day,�it's�just�a�token.

Just�a�token.

I'm�not�convinced that�you're�not�a�robot,

and�that's�why�we booked�you�for�this�show.

What�gives�you�that�impression?

Your�monotone.

You're�saying�I�need�to...

have�a�little�bit more�voice�inflection?

No,�I�think�you�have�to�be exactly�how�you�were�programmed.

Thank�you,�thanks.

spirited�piano�music

If�you�could�go�back�in�time, would�you�kill�[bleep]�or�invest

in�Bitcoin�in�2009?

Uh,�I�don't really�condone�killing,

uh,�so,�you�know...

[inhales�deeply]

[sighing]�probably�kill�[bleep].

-Thanks,�Blake. -[Blake]�Yeah.

jaunty�music

[laughter]

Do�you�like�'em?!

-Love�'em. -Really?

As�much�as�I�love�you.

Oh,�I�love�you too.�[laughs]

Well,�I�guess�that's�it!

What�a�wonderful Christmas,�Greg.

Well,�that's�not quite�everything.

What?�Ah!

[gasps]

[man�VO]�This�Christmas, tell�her�you�love�her�with�three

little�letters.

upbeat�Christmas�music

N-F-T.

This�is�the�big�one.

[chuckling]�What?!

Oh,�my... [typing]

[chuckles]�You're�crazy!

[man�VO]�Let�her�know how�much�you�really�care...

financially.

This�holiday�season,�make your�memories�non-fungible.

[laughs]

Oh�my�gosh!

A�monkey�in sunglasses�smokin'�a�joint?!

It's�perfect!

It's�a�picture on�the�computer

[shrieking�monkey]

jaunty�music

upbeat�strings

Are�you�a�triple�threat because�you're�an�athlete,

comedian,�and�businessman?

Or�because�of�all�the people�you've�punched,

slapped,�and�kicked?

Um...

I�think�in�the traditional�sense�of,�um...

is�it "multi-hyphen"-�"multi-hyphen?"

-Yeah,�"multi-hyphenate." -Yeah,�yeah.

Uh,�I�think�in�the traditional�sense�of,�um...

-human... -[Ziwe]�Mm.

Um...

ally...

Human,�ally...

And,�uh...

you�know,�just�g-�good�guy.

Human,�ally,�good�guy.

And�who�are�you an�ally�to,�Blake?

-Most-�everyone. -Everyone.

Everyone�that�needs allysh-�allyship.

Everyone�that�needs�allyship.

Yeah.

And�could�you�name�one marginalized�group�that�would

need�allyship?

Well,�I�don't think�people�need,

because�that�sort�of,�uh, portrays�the�idea�that,

um,�they're�not�capable�of doing�anything�on�their�own.

Yes.

[Blake]�I�think allyship�is�more�like,

uh,�a�friend.

You�know,�when�you�say,�"I'm here�any�time�you�need�me,

you�can�call�me,"�and you�pick�up�that�call,

that's�sort�of�my definition�of�allyship.

Your�definition�of�allyship is�picking�up�the�phone�when�a

friend�calls?

No,�no,�no,�that was�an�example.

-Uh... -[call�error�tones]

Do�you�think�Alexa is�a�Black�woman,

or�do�you�not�think�a�Black woman�could�know�everything?

No,�she's-�she's artificial�intelligence.

[inhales�deeply]

[sighing]�And Black�women�are�real.

Explain�more�about�Black�women.

Uh,�Alexa�is artificial�intelligence,

and�she's�helped�people,�but Black�women�have�helped�more

people.

Did�that�answer sound�good�in�your�head?

Uh,�as�I�was saying�it,�again,�yeah.

-Got�it. -[laughs]

So�what�advice�would�you�give a�Black�woman�who's�not�6'4?

Uh,�not�6'4,�what advice�would�I�give�you?

Just�be�yourself.

-Oh,�just�be�yourself. -[Blake]�Yeah.

I�feel�like�I've heard�that�before.

-Shia�LaBeouf�I�think�said�that. -[Ziwe]�Oh,�yeah.

In � Transformers.

Tell�me-�tell�us�more about�how�Shia�LaBeouf�is�an

inspiration�for�your�allyship.

Uh,�Shia�LaBeouf...

was�the�star of � Even�Stevens.

Uh,�his�sister�in�the show,�Christy�Carlson�Romano,

also�Kim�Possible.

She�was�a�very empowering�female�figure,

um,�and�taught young...women�that...

anything�is�possible...

Kim�Possible.

That�was�like�an Ask�Jeeve�answer.

Did�you�memorize�that before�this�interview?

Yeah,�I,�um-�no,�no,�no, I've-�that's�just�general

knowledge.

[typing]

The�National Basketball�Association.

Do�you�have�TikTok?

Will�Smith.

Jackie�Chan�and, like,�Owen�Wilson.

Wild�Wild�West, that�was,�uh...

Tommy�Lee�Jones?

Birth�of�a�Nation � was�great.

Django.

Kills�all�the�racists almost�at�one�time.

Calvin�Candie... [clicks�tongue]

Dead.

Black�history�is�very�important.

Got�it.

You�once�said,�"Forget the�color�of�the�dress;

-what�color�am�I?" -Yeah.

What�color�are�you?

Mostly�pink�and oranges�and,�like,

a�little�bit�of�red.

On�a�scale�of�Drake�with�a British�accent�to�Drake�with�a

Jamaican�accent,�how ethnic�would�you�say�you�are?

Uh...

[sighs]�Drake�with British,�Drake,�uh...

Probably,�uh...

Honestly,�the�best part�is�just,�like,

-I'm�right�down�the�line. -Wow.

Can�sorta�play�both�sides.

Sort�of�a�racial�chameleon.

I�appreciate�your commitment�to...

your�own�idea�of�reality.

[laughing]�Yeah.

No,�it's,�uh,�part of�being�a�good�guy.

Part�of�being�a�good guy�is�making�things�up?

Yeah.

Could�you�say�to�camera "Beep,�boop,�boop,�bop?"

Beep�boop,�boop�bop.

That's�the�N�word�for�robots.

How�could�you�say�that?

Well...

I�mean,�I�think�I�can�say�it.

Can�you?

Yeah,�I�think�so.

Do�you�think�a�robot�could�beat you�in�one-on-one�basketball?

-No. -[Ziwe]�No?

[Blake]�No.

Okay,�you�seem�like�you're�a fan�of�the�robot�more�than�me.

Look�at�his�face�lookin'�at you�like�you�a�little�punk!

Yeah,�it's�a�smug�look,�but...

There's�a�lot�of�tension�going on�between�you�and�that�robot.

You're�either gonna�kiss�or�fight.

-I�don't�wanna�fight�him. -You�don't�wanna�fight�him?

Do�you�want�to�show�your�abs?

[laughs]

No.

[crew�laughter]

But�then�how�do�you�know that�yours�are�better�than�the

robot's?

Well,�from�the�looks�of it,�those�are�just�pipes.

He�can�hear�you�say�that.

Can�he?

[Ziwe]�That's�why he's�frowning�like�that.

That�seems�like�a�half-smile.

Or�like�a�"Psh,�I just�said�something."

Make�that�face�again,�please.

-It's�like�a... -[Ziwe]�To�camera.

[electronic�beeping]

My�goal�was�to�get�you�to�take off�your�shirt�and�fight�this

robot,�but�it�doesn't�seem like�that's�gonna�happen.

I�don't�know,�man, I�just,�you�know...

I'll�fight�him.

I�don't�think�the shirt's�necessary.

-Right�now? -[Ziwe]�Yeah.

[reverberating]�I�like�that you're�a�little�competitive�with

this�robot.

-[echoing]�Yeah? -[Ziwe]�Yeah.

Beep�boop.

You�seem�like�you're�a�fan of�the�robot�more�than�me.

[Ziwe]�[reverberating]�You're either�gonna�kiss�or�fight.

dramatic�music

[clattering,�glitching]

Yeah,�obviously�I can�beat�the�robot�up.

[electronic�chime]

I�don't�really�condone�killing.

-[whack] -[robotic�glitch]

[Ziwe�VO]�Next�on � Ziwe...

Which�one�is�Michelle�Williams?

Michelle�Williams?

dramatic silent�film�music

They�look�very�similar.

jaunty�music

Do�I�live�in�a�simulation?

No,�I�live�in�the�TV.

jaunty�music

I'd�like�to�propose�a�toast.

Oh!

-To�us. -[woman]�Okay!

[clink]

[man�VO]�Fellas, forget�the�ring.

-uplifting�music -[choking]

[man�VO]�Use�an�NFT to�pop�the�question.

Is�this�what�I�think�it�is?!

Why�don't�you...

see�for�yourself?

[woman]�Oh!

A�second�NFT?!

Of�a�Tweet?!

About�balls?!

[chuckles]

I�sold�my�kidney to�buy�it,�but...

that's�why�the Lord�gave�me�two,

and�the�Lord�gave�me�you.

I'm�the�only�one who�can�see�this?!

Well,�not�exactly; everyone�can�see�it,�but...

you're�the�only one...who�owns�it.

So...

will�you�marry�me?

Will�I�marry�you?!

Of�course�I�will, Greg,�of�course�I�will!

[coughs]

[chuckling]�Oh...

[man�VO]�A�picture�is worth�1,000�words...

or�all�of�your�yearly�income.

It's�the�link to�her�heart

[shrieking�monkey]

jaunty�music

Blake,�in�one�word, what�makes�you�human?

Um...

my�mind.

Or�mind.

Okay,�let's�play�a�game called�Prove�You're�Not�a�Robot.

Sing�the�jingle.

-Sing�the�jingle? -Yeah,�make�a�jingle�up.

Uh, � When you're- � [bleep]

-[claps] -I'd�hope�that's�license-free.

To�play,�we're�going�to�give�you some�CAPTCHA�tests�to�answer.

If�you're�not�a�robot, they�should�be�easy.

-Ready�for�this�first�one? -[Blake]�Mm-hm.

[Ziwe]�Puzzle�Piece.

If�you�get�the�puzzle�right, that�means�that�you�are�human;

if�it's�wrong, you're�clearly�a�robot.

Ooh,�that's�tough.

Which�one�is�tough,�exactly?

-This�one's�tough. -I�don't�make�assumptions.

Yeah,�well, that's�not�gonna�fit.

-That's�tough. -Wooooow!

[affirmative�chime]

[Ziwe]�Hm.

[Blake]�That guy's�obviously�bad.

[Ziwe]�Hm.

Do�you�wanna apologize�to�any�communities?

I�would�like�to�apologize�to...

all�the...

um,�military�that fought�against...

the�Confederates.

[Ziwe]�You�mean�the�Union?

Yeah.

Okay,�next�CAPTCHA:�you have�to�read�it�to�camera,

and�if�you�can�read it,�you're�not�a�robot.

Hm,�I-�you�know�what?

I'm�startin'�to�come around�on�the�robot�idea.

Okay,�so�you're not�gonna�read�this?

I�just-�no.

[Ziwe]�Next�game!

Blake,�did�you know�that�sometimes,

facial�recognition�technology can't�tell�the�difference

between�Black�people?

Really?

I�didn't�know�that.

Really,�you�didn't�know�that?

No,�I�didn't- well,�no,�I�mean,

yeah,�I�had�heard�that,�but�I didn't�know�that�that�was�still

a�thing�that...

[softly]�we're dealing�with�here.

[clicks�tongue]

Probably�shouldn't have�answered�that�way.

Great,�because�it's�time�to play�Are�You�Less�Racist�Than�a

Robot?

Sing�the�jingle.

If- � [bleep]�[claps]

-Okay,�Blake... -[Blake]�Oh...

Are�these�two�different�people?

Yeah!

Yeah,�I�would�like�to�think�so.

And�who�are�these�Black�people?

Allies.

[Ziwe]�Okay,�Rosa�Parks-

Yeah,�I�was�gonna say�Rosa�Parks.

You�were�gonna-�oh,�you�were?

-Oh,�you�were- -I�was�gonna�say�Rosa�Parks.

Oh,�you�were gonna�say�Rosa�Parks?

-And�the�other�lady? -[inhales�deeply]

-Louisa�May�Alcott? -No!

-[Blake]�Yeah,�no. -What?!

[chuckling]�I�don't know,�I�don't�know!

-Who�is�it? -Claudette�Colvin.

Yeah,�Barack�Obama and�Malcolm�X.

-[Ziwe]�Okay! -Next!�[chuckles]

[affirmative�chime]

Sorry.

[laughing]�Sorry.

You�can�hold�it�up.

You�got�it,�congratulations.

[Blake]�Yeah,�thank�you.

Next�one?

Which�is�which?

[Blake]�[softly] Tia�and�Tamera...

Which�one's�Tia, which�one's�Tamera?

Tia�is�the�one-�ohhh!

Tia�is�the�one�on�the�right?

Okay,�and�then the�other's�Tamera?

-Tamera? -[Ziwe]�No,�that's�wrong.

-[Blake]�That's�wrong. -This�is�both�Tamera�and�Tamera.

-[negative�bloop] -[Blake]�[chuckling]�Oh,�wow!

Yeah,�so�don't�you feel�like�a�goofball?

Yeah,�I�mean, they're�twins,�you�know.

They're�sisters...sisters.

bass�riff

That�has�been�the�show!

Blake,�do�you�have anything�to�say�about�racism?

Uh,�racism,�there's�no- there's�no-�there's�no�place

for�racism.

Spoken�like�a�true�robot.

Thank�you,�Blake!

[AI�robot�voice] Thank�you�for�having�me.

jaunty�music

I'm�rich�in�both friendship�and�Bitcoin.

-[alarm] -Wait...what?

[scoffs]

I�guess�now�I'm�just rich�in�friendship!

jaunty�music

"Surveil�Me"�by�Ziwe

jaunty�music

You�may�know�him�from his�hit�movie�on�Hulu,

or�comedy�special�on�Netflix.

He's�one�of�the original�hot�people�of�comedy.

A�gay�icon,�a�millennial,�a one-time�WeWork�employee.

Please�welcome�Joel�Kim�Booster!

elegant�strings

Gorgeous,�gorgeous.

Thank�you,�thank�you so�much�for�having�me.

Now,�why�do�you�think�you're here�for�the�tech�episode?

Um...

I'm�not�gonna�lie�to�you;�it feels�a�liiiiittle�racially

charged,�because�I�don't know�anything�about�tech,

so�the�only�other�explanation I�have�is�that�maybe,

being�an�Asian person,�you�thought�I�did.

[laughing]�Not�to�come�on your�show�and-�[clears�throat]

Wow.

So�you're�saying�you know�nothing�about�tech,

but�you�happen�to�have worked�at�multiple�start-ups.

I�have�worked�at multiple�tech�start-ups.

I�was�an�early employee�of�Groupon.

[Ziwe]�Wow.

I�worked�at�several start-ups�in�New�York,

I�worked�at�a�WeWork, um,�which�was�a�nightmare.

It�was�a�nightmare�why?

The�sell�of�WeWork�is, like,�it�has�to�be�about,

like,�the�camaraderie�and the�kombucha�of�it�all.

And�I�was�just�there�to�work,�I was�just�there�to�get�my�check.

Got�it,�you're�sort of�anti-community,

pro-,�um, working-yourself-to-your-grave.

Exactly.

So�you�have�a�movie�on�Hulu, a�stand-up�special�on�Netflix,

you're�in�a�TV show, � Loot, � on�Apple.

Are�tech�conglomerates�a�net good�or�a�net�evil�for�society?

For�society,�I would�say...net�evil.

I�think�for�me,�personally, in�my�career,�um...

net�good.

But...

you�know,�I�would-�I�would�take the�lack�of�success�in�my�career

if�the�world�was doing�better,�you�know?

But,�like,�I'm�not�gonna�be�the only�one�who's�not�benefitting.

Like,�you�have�an�iPhone.

-They're�bad�but... -Mm.

You�not�having�an�iPhone�is�not gonna�stop�iPhones�from�being

bad.

So�can�you�just�say�to�this camera�that�there�is�no�such

thing�as�personal responsibility?

[barely�audibly]�There�is no�such�thing�as�personal

responsibility.

Louder.

[slightly�louder]�There�is no�such�thing�as�personal

responsibility.

Hm,�hm.

-Mm-hm. -Hm.

-Yup. -Hm.

I�said�it.

Between�the�two�of�us,�who�do you�think�would�be�better�at

sort�of�getting�someone�to spend�their�life�savings�on

cryptocurrency�with�no�research?

I�think�there's�a�couple�of different�ways�to�look�at�the

weight�of�our�situations.

[Ziwe]�Mm.

-You're�a�beautiful�woman... -Okay,�got�it.

-You're�a�beautiful�woman... -Wow,�thank�you.

Who�could�use...that to�get�a�lot�of�men,

straight�men.

But�I�also�have sort�of�the-

well,�I'm�Asian.

It�feels�a liiiiittle�racially�charged.

So�automatically,�I sort�of�have�pull,

people�believe�what�I say�when�it�comes�to�tech.

So�yeah,�I�think�it's�sort of�a�wash,�ultimately.

[Ziwe�VO]�Next�on � Ziwe...

Microchip.

Keyboard.

Screen�protector.

Web�browser.

Dot�com.

jaunty�music

[woman�VO]�We�are�all after�the�same�thing:

human�connection.

So�connect!

With�iCon:�the�only�social media�app�that�knows�you�-

all�of�you.

iCon�allows�you�to�give�us your�social�security�number,

so�you�can�connect�more fully�and�intentionally�with�the

people�around�you.

Plus,�you�can�trust�us;�we're just�a�privately-owned�tech

company�that�keeps�your�social security�number�in�perpetuity

for�human�connection.

And�we�already�have three�million�subscribers!

From�the�same�venture capitalists�who�brought�you

the�iDrone,�SexBook,�and the�whole�damn�concept�of�the

surveillance�state!

Plus,�no�one�cares about�the�danger!

What�danger?

Everyone�else�is�doing�it,�and don't�you�wanna�be�like�everyone

else?

Personal�security�is�dead.

What�you�want�is�clout!

What�are�you,�a�loser?

If�you�don't�have�iCon,�that's some�loser�stuff,�for�real.

Signing�up�is�easy,�so�you�can have�more�time�to�do�the�things

that�really�matter...

like�accumulate�funds�in�your personal�bank�account�for�us�to

funnel�out.

Terms�and�conditions�apply.

We�will�sell�your�data to�literally�anyone.

We�own�your property�and�identity.

If�you�prosecute�us, you'll�go�to�jail,�not�us.

Beep�boop�beep.

iCon:�an�app�for�all�humans�who have�social�security�numbers.

jaunty�music

exciting�strings

Is�your�favorite piece�of�tech�your�phone,

your�laptop,�or�your�Juul?

Hm,�that's�tough.

I'm�addicted�to�two�out of�the�three�of�those.

My�phone,�for�sure.

I�actually�have�never Juuled,�I'm�gonna�be�honest.

-[Joel]�Wow! -I�know.

You�seem...like�you�would.

[crew�laughter]

No,�no,�no!

I'm�recognizing,�like,�a�fellow cool�person�with�an�addiction!

-Okay,�so�you're�criticizing�me. -[laughing]�No,�no,�no!

What�questions�do you�have�for�me?

[Joel]�[laughing] I�don't�have�any!

No,�you're�criticizing�me!

[Joel]�I�don't have�any�questions.

-No! -Okay,�fine,�I�have�a�question.

[Ziwe]�All�right,�let's�go!

Have�you�ever dated�an�Asian�guy?

-I�would�never�kiss�and�tell. -[laughs]

Do�you�wanna�date?

I�would-�actually,�I�think�we would�make�an�incredible�couple.

I�do�too.

And�I�think�we would�be�one�of-

-like,�I�actually�even�think- -What�is�in�your�eye,�sir?!

-I'm�just-�I'm�crying,�um... -[crew�laughter]

I'm�crying�thinking�about,�um...

I�think�that�we�could�actually pull�off�being�publicly�a

couple,�even�though�my�brand�is so�connected�to�my�sexuality.

Mm.

I�think�people�would�buy�it.

I�think�because�my�brand is�so�disconnected�from

-[laughing]�my�sexuality... -[laughs]

[echoing�laugh]

Gay�sex,�gay�sex,�gay-

So�here's�a�question�for�you: you�were�adopted�by�white�people

but�you're�an�Asian�man.

What's�your�favorite�race?

I�would�say,�um...

my�favorite�race�would�be...

uh...

The�Amazing�Race � on�CBS.

[laughs]

Can�you�even�name four�countries�in�Africa?

And�don't�say�"Egypt."

-Um... -tense�game�show�music

[clears�throat]

-Zimbabwe. -[electronic�chime]

-Um...South�Africa. -[electronic�chime]

Um...

[negative�electronic�chime]

What�you're�failing to...sort�of�contextually,

like,�bring�to�the�table�here is�that�I�was�homeschooled.

So�it's�not�your�responsibility to�know�any�nations�in�Africa?

No,�it's�not�that�it's not�my�responsibility,

it's�that�it�was�my�parents' responsibility�to�make�sure�that

I�knew�the�countries�in Africa�and�they�failed,

and,�you�know...

I-�I�shouldn't�have�to�pay for�their�sins�right�now�on

-Showtime. -[electronic�chime]

[barely�audibly]�There�is no�such�thing�as�personal

responsibility.

[Ziwe]�Got�it.

If�MLK�were�alive�today,�would he�use�an�iPhone�or�an�Android?

I�think�he'd�use�an�iPhone, because�he�was�doing�a�lot�of

organizing�and�the�group texting�with�Androids�is�not...

really�there,�you�know?

And�tell�me�what�you learned�about�MLK�in�homeschool.

Um,�I�learned that�he�had�a�dream.

Okay.

I�learned�that�he was�a�Christian.

I�learned�that�he,�you�know, because�of�his�Christianity,

likely�hated�gay�people.

Why�would�you�say�that?!

I-�that's-�I'm-�you asked�what�I�was�taught,

and�I'm�telling�you what�I�was�taught!

You�asked�me specifically�what�I�was�taught,

not�what�I�believe.

Are�you�a�racist, Joel�Kim�Booster?

[laughs]

Um,�I�mean,�that's�an interesting�question.

Can�I�be�a�racist?

Like,�is�it�possible for�me�to�be�a�racist?

Do�I�have�the currency,�like...

in�society�to�be�a�racist?

Can�I�be�prejudiced?

Yeah,�certainly,�um...

but�I'm�not.

I'm�n-�I'm�neither.

I-�the-�the�short�of it�is-�is�I'm�neither.

Are�you�a�racist? [stifles�laughter]

-That�was�the�longest�walk... -[laughs]

To�a�"no"�on�racist�a�guest�has ever�done�in�the�history�of�this

show.�Wow!

Wow!

Black�people�-�Black people�are�my�favorite�race.

Why�would�you�say�that,�Joel?

Because�you�asked me�the�question!

That's�such�a�weird�answer.

-[winces] -[Joel]�[scoffs]

I'm�an�incredible guest�on�this�show.

jaunty�music

[low�voice]�Red pill�or�blue�pill?

Matrix.

-exciting � Matrix � music -[groaning]

chimes

-[woman]�[huffs] -[Greg]�Babe,�please!

Please,�you cheated�on�me!�[sighs]

-Give�me�a�chance. -What�are�you,�strangling�me?!

[man�VO]�And�fellas,�saying "I'm�sorry"�is�as�easy�as...

N-F-T.

[Greg]�Babe, just�go�to�the�link.

uplifting�music

[typing]

-[fart�noises] -It's�fart�noises?!

No,�babe,�that�would�be�stupid!

It's�an�NFT�that's�a�symphony of�fart�noises�that�lasts�53

minutes�to�say�sorry for�the�second�family�-

my�second�family.

They�don't�mean�anything�to�me.

Greg,�I�never wanna�see�you�again.

[fart�noises�continue]

But�babe!

But...

you�own�this!

[fart�noises�continue]

It's�a�symphony�of�farts

[man�VO]�But�you�own�it.

[fart]

jaunty�music

[Ziwe�and�Alexa] Ha�ha�ha�ha�ha�ha.

Ha�ha�ha�ha�ha�ha ha,�ha�ha�ho�ho�ha�ha,

tee-hee�tee-tee, laughter,�chuckle�chuckle,

L-O-L,�ha�ha�ha, laughter,�laugh.

-Alexa,�stop! -[Alexa]�Ho�ho�ho-�[bloop]

[laughs]

[chuckles]�Ziwe,�Alexa,�what are�you�guys�laughing�about?

Sit�down,�I�found out�Alexa�tells�jokes.

serious�orchestral�music

[man�VO]�The�following�is�a competition�between�a�human

and�a�voice�assistant�to�become Ziwe's�only�comedy�writer.

-Michelle... -[clears�throat]

I�want�you�to compete�for�your�job.

O-�okay!

Automation�affects�everyone.

Oh.

-Alexa! -[bloop]

Tell�a�Thanksgiving�joke!

[bloop]

[Alexa]�What�did�the corn�say�to�the�butter?

"See�you�on�the�other�sides."

[laughs]

[Alexa]�[laughs�robotically]

Alexa,�stop.

-It�wasn't�that�funny. -[bloop]

Michelle,�tell�me�a Thanksgiving�joke.

Okay.

Your�job�is literally�on�the�line.

What�do�turkeys�drink�out�of?

Gobble-goblets.

You�know-

[bloop]

-bass�riff -[Alexa]�Hah.

Alexa,�name�all�of Malcolm�X's�children!

-Oh... -[bloop]

[Alexa]�They�are Ilyasah�Shabazz,

Attallah�Shabazz, Gamilah�Shabazz,

Malikah�Shabazz,�Malaak Shabazz,�and�Qubilah�Shabazz.

Michelle,�can you�name�all�of-

No.

-[bloop] -[Alexa]�[laughs�robotically]

-Alexa,�stop. -[Alexa]�Ha-�[bloop]

Alexa,�what�do�you know�about�Ziwe?

[bloop]

[Alexa]�Ziwe�is�a�successful 19-year-old�television�host.

-Uh,�Alexa... -[bloop]

[clears�throat]

what�do�you�know about�Michelle�Davis?

[bloop]

[Alexa]�Here's�something I�found�on�the�web:

Michelle�overcame�tragedy�during her�20s�when�her�father�died

from�multiple�sclerosis.

-Oh�my�gosh. -Uh...

wrong�Michelle!

But�I�have�overcome tragedy�in�a�sense...

[sighs]�being�Black�in�America.

[clears�throat]

tender�piano�music

Alexa,�you're�hired!

Michelle,�best�of�luck.

-Oh,�I'm�f- -Alexa,�play�"Stop�Being�Poor!"

[Alexa]�You'll�need�to�sign up�for�Amazon�Music�Unlimited

Family�Plan.

-Would�y- -Yes!

[bloop]

[Alexa]�You�now�have�Amazon Music�Unlimited�Family�Plan.

Who�did�I�order that�for?�[laughs]

-Somebody�got�charged! -[laughs]

Somebody�got�charged!

Alexa,�play-�play "Am�I�Gay?"�by�Ziwe.

[bloop]

[Alexa]�Shuffling�songs by�MIA�on�Amazon�Music.

No,�no,�no,�no,�no,�no, no,�that's�the�movie�one!

-[laughing]�Oh�my�God! -Stop,�stop,�stop!

Am�I�gay?�Am�I�gay?

jaunty�music

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Uh...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Uh...

Um...

Uh...

Um...

Uh...

Um...

Mm.

It's�a�symphony�of�Ums

Um...

-[robotic�bleeping�and�blooping] -[laughs]

You-�you�go�two�hands,�huh?

[robotic�bleeping�and�blooping]

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