Original subtitles

[ominous music]

* *

[yelling, thudding]

[dramatic music]

- I won't let you do this.

This is Chief Nightpipe's land.

- Last I checked, his name wasn't on the deed, Remington.

- You white men think a piece of paper means

you can own Mother Earth.

- That's right. To you,

the forest on his land are just a bunch of trees,

but to his people, those are his grandfathers

and grandmothers.

They lead him along the Red Road,

and they're not for sale, Holt.

God damn it, they're not for sale.

- I guess Nightpipe Junior didn't get the memo.

We just agreed to terms.

He's rich, and the land is mine.

- What have you done, my son?

The ancestors are crying.

- I had no other choice. - You monster.

After all we've done to erase these people.

Can't you see?

They're noble keepers of the land.

- If you have anything more to say,

I suggest you lawyer up.

- He already has.

[dramatic music]

* *

[eagle cries]

- Ugh.

This is so offensive and dumb.

Like, I will truly never understand

why people love this show,

why Indians love this show!

Wait, why are we watching this show?

- The producers of "Adirondack,"

a show with a 90% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes,

have contacted the Minishonka Nation,

asking for our guidance on one of their episodes.

First, we offer them script notes.

Then we say, "Why don't you shoot the next season

on our rez, spend some of that sweet location budget here?"

And then, before you know it,

everyone wants to film here,

and the all-Native "Pitch Perfect 7"

gets shot in this casino.

- Weird dream, but this affects me how?

- Pack your bags.

You and I will travel to New York City

to work on season three of "Adirondack."

We're gonna be cultural consultants.

- [groans loudly]

Well, now my ancestors are crying.

[upbeat music]

* *

- So Deirdre is due in six months.

I really want to be prepared,

so I've already read "Happiest Baby on the Block"

and "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

- Isn't that last one for pregnant mothers?

- Yes, and, Reegs, the female body, oh, my God.

What you guys go through is heroic.

- Oh. - A little gross,

but mainly heroic.

- Maybe let Deirdre do the "birds and the bees" talk

when the kid gets older? - No way.

They're gonna learn about sex the same way I did:

watching Cinemax with the sound off after Mom goes to bed.

- Nice. Thanks, Jeff.

- Speaking of prestige cable, how are you feeling

about your "Adirondack" set visit?

- Uh, not great.

You know, none of their Native stuff is accurate.

Rob Schneider is not Cayuga. - Yeah.

- And I did want to let you know that I am potentially,

possibly, almost definitely

gonna be seeing Josh while I'm in New York,

so sorry, actually sorry? - You know what? It's fine.

Him ruining my life with that little podcast

was actually good for me.

And there's no way to say that without sounding sarcastic...

- Yeah. - But it's true.

By the way, I thought things were going great with Nelson.

- Oh, yeah. Josh and I are

strictly buds, like, totally over it.

And things are going great with Nelson.

In fact, he texted me the cutest thing today.

Check it out.

- "You left your jacket at work."

- I mean, you have to imagine it in his voice.

- Yeah, yeah. Jeff!

You got new coffee sleeves.

- Yeah, this is huge for me.

- What does it say?

- Feather Day is pulling out all the stops,

I mean, this morning, I found one of her fliers in my bagel.

See?

- Oh, wow.

I mean, she just has so much money.

How are Bobbie and I supposed to compete with all this?

- Ugh. Wish I could help,

but I'll be on a set in New York,

explaining that a Native man in 2022

would not wear a loincloth to his office job.

- Hey, wait a minute. That's it.

That's how I can raise some funds for the campaign.

I'll go to New York, too, hit up Rutherford, Inc.

They'll want to support Bobbie if it means

protecting their namesake, right?

- Yeah. [trash can beeps]

- Vote for Feather Day,

and let's trash wasteful spending.

- Of course Feather Day is gonna resort

to cheap garbage puns.

Me? I refuse.

- Oh! [both laugh]

[hip-hop music]

* *

- How are you so excited to be here?

This is the place where Adam Beach dies

in the first 10 minutes of every movie.

- Yes, Native representation

is, for the most part, a hate crime.

But this show is asking for our guidance.

Wouldn't you rather help them get it right

than simply complain from the sidelines?

- They just want us to rubber-stamp their show

so they can keep boomers glued to their

motion-smoothed TV sets, no offense.

- First of all, I'm Gen X, so watch it.

And when I was a kid, all I had were

Indians being played by Italians,

getting shot off their horses by white cowboys.

If I'd seen our people portrayed with dignity,

perhaps I would have nailed

my "Last of the Mohicans" audition.

- Wait, you auditioned for "Last of the Mohicans"?

What part? - One of the Mohicans.

- Eh. - Point is,

if we want to be accurately portrayed,

we have to go in there and fight for it.

- Okay, fine, but--

- Oh, my God,

it's Christopher Meloni's parking spot.

- [gasps] And there's Mariska's!

Their cars are friends too!

Okay, this part is legit cool.

- Behold 50 stories of global commerce.

Bobbie, I present to you Rutherford, Inc.

- I can't wait to get back at them for what they did to you.

It'll be just like this super old show

my babysitter used to watch, "Scandal."

Espionage, blackmail, seduction.

Murder?

- Okay, uh,

we're just gonna go in there

and try to get you a campaign contribution.

They've got a huge lobbying operation.

Should be a drop in the bucket for them.

- [scoffs] Fine.

But if you need me to seduce anyone,

I would love the practice.

- I don't think that's gonna be necessary.

All we got to do is find our old friend Kaitlyn.

She'll hook us up. - And if she doesn't,

we threaten to tell her husband

that she's been having an affair

with the president of the United States.

- Absolutely not. - [scoffs]

[light music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Okay, I see Navajo rugs from the Southwest,

a canoe paddle from the North Pacific Coast,

and this is just from Michael's...on sale.

- And what could be more Indigenous than Michael's?

- [scoffs] - Right this way.

- I mean, it's an investment property,

but the cash flow is, like, insane.

Oh! Terry Thomas!

Kwe, kwe!

I'm Cox Whitley. I'm the showrunner

of this little circus.

Thank you so much for being here.

We're happy to welcome you into the 'Rondacks fam.

- Yes, uh. Gwe, Cox.

This is my co-consultant,

who runs a very cinematic cultural center

on Minishonka land that'll soon be available

to lease as a set, base camp, extras holding, whatever.

- Ah, yes. "Raygan" Wells,

the Gipper. - Oh.

- You know, my dad was actually Reagan's ambassador to Austria.

- Huh. So cool. It's "Reegan," actually.

Um, I have a lot of thoughts, if we could just jump right in,

specifically about the Minishonka ceremony.

- Oh, time out, I'm actually not

the one who handles script notes.

Let me send over my partner-in-crime/co-EP, cool?

I'm going to do a rat check. You stay here.

We'll talk soon.

[jaunty music]

- Mm.

- Hey guys, Rye Whitman.

It's a pleasure.

- Oh, hi...

- Hi. - Um, okay...

Okay.

Uh, yeah, hi, I have some concerns

about the Minishonka ceremony.

Actually, concern doesn't

quite encapsulate my feelings about this.

It's more like, ripshit.

- Rye, we take accurately depicting

Native peoples on screen very seriously.

We're excited to work with you, but, for many reasons,

it is unacceptable to portray a ceremony in this way.

I'm certain you'll make the right changes.

- Let me just say, we knew the scene might be contentious.

Yeah? That's why you're both here.

We are gonna make all necessary adjustments.

We're one big family here, so we want to get it right.

* *

- [sighs]

* *

- Hey, Melanie.

- Nathan, hi.

- Is Kaitlyn gonna be back soon, or...

- Oh. Kaitlyn is no longer with us.

- Oh, no.

Did she OD?

She popped Adderall like Tic-Tacs.

You can't do that.

- No, she did not die. She got fired.

- Oh. Why? - I didn't have

anything to do with it.

- Well, the way you just said that,

it sounds like you definitely had something to do with it.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

- Hmm.

- Well, we're here because I'm running for mayor

of Rutherford Falls.

I know with my leadership, our town,

the town where this great company was founded,

can be a shining example of achievement.

- Exactly, Bobbie,

and with the support of Rutherford, Inc.--

- I'm gonna stop you right there.

The company has begun divesting itself

from any connection to Rutherford Falls whatsoever,

so we will not be getting involved.

- That doesn't--what? That doesn't make any sense.

It's the town where this whole thing started.

I mean, you share a name, for God's sake.

- Oh, we will not be sharing a name for long.

Research has shown that "Rutherford, Inc."

presents itself as antiquated, provincial, and mad sus.

We did some testing at some local middle schools.

In any event, we paid $13 million

to a consulting company for rebranding,

and this is the result.

- Zowvis?

- Zivis?

- Zevere? Zivew...

Zoi-yoi. - What?

- Zoo-viz? Veez?

- That's a weird name. - It's "Zoovis."

- Mm, I don't think so.

- Zoovee? French.

- The umlaut makes it an "ow" so,

it's like--if anything, it's "Zowvis."

- No, "Zoovis." - Eh, it's "Zowvis."

- It's "Zoovis." - What's it mean?

- Nothing. It's nonsense,

but it feels like it means something,

and that's what's important.

- Wow. Centuries of history just, like--pfft!

You know? - Sure.

- I mean, don't get me wrong, it's cool.

Y-you're moving on, and that--that's great.

I'm happy for you.

I'm--I moved on too.

It's cool. - You already said cool.

- Well, that's how cool it is. [clears throat]

- Look, this company owes its existence to Rutherford Falls.

- That's it. That's the point, right?

That's the whole point.

Our humble little burg is the origin

of this grand, amazing global corporation.

And it would mean so much to me, to us,

and to everyone in that town

if you could support this campaign.

[sentimental music]

- Is any of this moving the needle for you?

- Hm.

No.

[dramatic music]

- You seem out of place, Agent Phillips.

Perhaps it's because this porterhouse costs more

than your home.

- The next home you'll be residing in, Holt,

is Attica.

Take him away, boys.

- I'll be out by breakfast, you son of a--

- And...

Cut! Flying in with notes!

Mark, that's it. Andy, wrong.

- It's fascinating to see the process.

- This is so dumb.

Also, not a Minishonka thing, but Holt knows

that the FBI dude is sleeping with his wife.

Like, how are they not addressing that?

It's sloppy storytelling.

- Well, if we're lucky, you'll be sharing Easter eggs

like that one at your cultural center as part

of a stop on the "Adirondack" super-fan bus tour.

- [grunts] [phone chimes, buzzes]

Hey, uh, you seem to got this covered.

Mind if I leave a little early?

- This is handled. [phone chimes, buzzes]

- Thanks.

- Your pages. - Oh, great.

Amber, could you have the second AD

get me a new set of cans?

[dramatic music]

* *

Excuse me, Rye? - Nope.

Popular mistake. We actually haven't met.

Alden Whitmer, producing co-EP.

What can I do for ya, bud? - Alden.

We've expressed issues with the script

that were not addressed.

- Okay, lay it on me, fam.

Well, there's still a ceremony scene,

and there shouldn't be.

- Right, I totally hear

what you're saying on that.

That's why we changed it to a sacred smoke ritual.

Yeah, it makes it less specific to the Minishonka.

- Right, but you didn't change any of the elements.

And now you've also invented a fake Indigenous custom.

- Ooh, custom!

Is that the fix, calling it a custom?

These are great pitches, T.

- I want you to cut it entirely.

- Hmm. Okay, so the thing is,

that this ceremony, custom,

whatever you want to call it-- it makes our lead, Remington,

realize what's missing in his life.

It's like, a major shift in his POV.

Yeah?

And it's gonna help later in the season,

justify the fact that Chief Nightpipe adopts him

and makes him a part of the tribe.

- What? - Hey, man.

This thing shoots tomorrow. It's TV.

Sometimes you got to fudge things to make it work.

I'm sure you get that, okay?

But it sounds like after these tweaks,

we got a green light, right, Ter?

- And that is a wrap, everybody!

Call time tomorrow at 7:00. 7:00.

* *

- Hey. Great to see you.

- So good to see you! Oh, yeah.

Let's do 'em all. Shake.

A hug.

Fist bump.

- Ah, ending it on a very weird note.

- Oh, God.

It's so great to see the actual you,

not pixels.

- Yeah, I know. You're, like, really here.

You look great. - Oh, you look great.

I mean, I'm annoyed at how good you look.

What's the plan?

- I thought that I would show you around my neighborhood.

- Okay, I'm all yours.

I mean, I'm not all yours.

Like, today I'm yours.

You can't do whatever you want with me,

but you know what I mean. - I'm familiar with the phrase.

* *

- I mean, I couldn't believe it.

The "just for old times' sake" argument didn't work at all.

- It's almost like we can't trust

massive corporations to do the right thing.

- I wish Kaitlyn was still there.

She would have rolled her eyes and said,

"Ugh, what do you want now, Nathan?"

But then, after I bugged her long enough,

she would have done what we wanted just to make me go away.

I really miss her.

- Well, the only thing you can count on white people to do

is act in their own self-interest.

- I'm pretty sure Melanie's South Asian.

- Yeah, we're gonna let Terry go on that one.

- What would they do on "Scandal"?

Are either of you willing to poison a federal judge?

- No.

But you may be on to something.

When your enemy underestimates you,

when they treat you like you're invisible,

you're no longer obligated to play by their rules.

Your only option is to announce your presence

with such force that it leaves a mark,

a mark so deep, it scars.

- Even if it means playing dirty?

- Exactly.

I need to get some sleep.

I got a big day on set tomorrow.

- And I gotta change our train tickets.

We're staying another day.

- And I'll go downtown and hit up Uniqlo.

- Okay. But then, after that,

we have an old friend to visit.

- It's a ton of steps because I'm not married

and I don't have kids,

but I'm on my way to getting my own land...

eventually, maybe when I'm, like, 50.

- I, obviously, don't get all the land rules,

um, but doesn't that sound a tiny bit messed up?

- Yeah, mm-hmm. Big time, mm-hmm.

I mean, if I say that at home, I'm pushing against tradition,

uh, but to be clear, it really sucks.

Hey, thanks for letting me vent,

and for listening.

- Listening's part of my job.

So...

I have something that I really want you to see.

[upbeat music]

* *

- A Natalie Ball exhibit!

Josh, are you freaking kidding me?

Oh, free wine? [chuckles]

- Natalie, I would like you to meet

Reagan Wells, the director

of the Minishonka Cultural Center.

I met Natalie when I was up in Portland,

doing a story on sustainable squid farming.

- It's so nice to meet you. I am a huge fan.

- Thank you.

Are you in the city to see my show?

- I wish.

No, I'm actually just playing hooky

from being a consultant on "Adirondack."

- Oh, my God, my mom loves that show.

- So does my dad. Why?

- Can I show you around?

- Yeah. - Okay.

* *

[doorbell rings]

* *

- Ugh. What do you want now, Nathan?

- Did I call it, or what?

I mean, word for word.

Look, Kaitlyn, I know that we've had

our differences in the past, but I think there's a way that

we might actually be able to help each other right now.

- Okay.

- So, Kaitlyn, what have you been up to,

besides vaping and not throwing away your garbage?

- So much. Getting into crypto.

- Oh, Kaitlyn, sweetie, no.

- It's great. - So listen,

we need dirt on Rutherford, Inc.

You were in the inner circle. You got to know

some juicy stuff that could really burn them, right?

- Sure. Lots of stuff,

but they made me sign an NDA, and it's pretty airtight.

It's the same one that Jeremy Piven makes

his hairdressers sign.

Bald.

- [scoffs]

They never had Nathan sign an NDA. Rude.

- Well, they were probably just relying

on my blind allegiance to the Rutherford name.

- Or because they never looped you in

on anything that mattered. - Eh, nah, it was...

definitely the name thing.

But you know, that little oversight

on their part could actually work to our advantage.

[soft music]

- This has been such a great day.

I forgot what it's like

to be in a place where no one knows me.

- Well, I'd like to think that there's

someone here who knows you. [chuckles]

Talking on the phone is nice,

but it's just not the same as actually hanging out.

I really missed you.

- I have too.

- But I've like...

I missed you.

- Oh.

Like, "Missed" me like, a capital "M," Miss.

- These last few months,

I was an idiot.

It wasn't worth throwing this away

for some moderately successful podcast.

* *

- So if it were a major success,

it would have been worth it?

- No, I didn't-- I didn't mean it that way.

- But maybe you did?

Because that's what happened.

I mean, I know we moved on, but...

that really sucked.

- I-I get it. - I don't know.

Like, would you even tell me if I left my jacket at work?

- Why--why would I do that?

- That's a weirdly specific example.

What I mean is,

you made a choice, and...

- Right.

- This is stupid.

We live in two different places.

We have totally different lives.

Like, maybe if I lived here, or you...

- But, we don't.

- Which is why I think I should go home.

It's a better fit.

[jaunty music]

- Ugh. What do you want now, Nathan?

- Don't try to butter me up.

It's not as fun when you say it.

We're here because Bobbie

is gonna be an incredible mayor.

But in order to get elected, we need a lot of money,

which you're gonna give us,

or else some pretty nasty things

are gonna come out about Rutherford, Inc.

- Isn't that right, Kaitlyn?

- [coughs] Yep.

- Girl, you could have at least showered.

- Kaitlyn, you signed an NDA.

Are you trying to make your life even sadder?

Because I don't think that's possible.

- Kaitlyn did sign an NDA, but Nathan here didn't.

- And back when Kaitlyn had your job,

we talked all the time.

- Oh, yeah, check the call logs.

I honestly can't remember what we discussed,

but it could have been anything.

And Melanie, I know that you know what I know.

- These loose lips could sink a lot of ships.

- Fine. I'll call someone in lobbying.

- I think you're gonna do better than that.

I think you're gonna use all of your power,

all of your sketchy discretionary spending,

all of your weird creative accounting,

which we all know is money laundering,

to fund and support my candidate.

- We're not leaving until you cough it up,

as painful as it would be to stay,

because your décor sucks.

- Sick burn. - And you can write me a check

for the same amount, but I'd like mine payable in MGKoin.

It's Machine Gun Kelly's cryptocurrency.

- What? - Oh, Kaitlyn.

No.

[soft music]

* *

- God, Terry.

What the hell? I leave you in charge,

and suddenly we're in a John Wayne mushroom trip?

- Isn't it horrific?

You were right, Reagan.

They were never gonna listen to us,

so my only choice was to make the show

so glaringly offensive,

no one would be able to ignore how stupid it is.

- That's...

kinda brilliant.

- Amber, I think those dream catchers

should have a lot more jewels on them.

I want to be blinded by turquoise.

And, the extras saging the tepees...

I need louder whooping.

Really whoop it up!

Remember, you were born of the wolf.

- The Gipper returns. - Hey, Rye.

- It's Cox. - Don't care.

What about your plan to bring the production

to Rutherford Falls?

- Some things are more important than money.

Not many things, almost nothing.

Some things.

- I'm impressed.

Do you really think it's gonna work?

- Controversial photos from the set

of the hit TV show "Adirondack"

were posted early this morning

by NPR correspondent Josh Carter,

who was alerted by unnamed sources

close to the production.

The popular series is now drawing ire

from Indigenous communities across the nation.

- There's no excuse, this day and age,

for showing an absurdly offensive version

of a Native American ceremony

where a sexy Pocahontas yells "woo-woo"

on the back of a stuffed buffalo,

while smoking a sage bundle.

It's unacceptable.

- Get 'em, Sharice... [door opens]

- Here's your jacket.

I got it cleaned and pressed.

There was a Easter egg Reese's in the pocket,

and it's September, so...

- Do you want to stay over at my place tonight?

- Because I cleaned your jacket?

- No, but kinda.

I'm just really happy to see you.

- Well, I'm happy to see you too.

Oh, we can watch that documentary

about the carbon offset slave traders of Ecuador.

- Yeah, I'm gonna feel weird making out during that.

- Well, I, um-- I'm free now.

[Black Belt Eagle Scout's "My Heart Dreams" plays]

- * Wasting this life *

* I only want me and you *

* I look at this life *

* I only want me and you *

* My heart dreams *

* My heart dreams *

* My heart dreams *

* My heart dreams *

* *