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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,583 --> 00:00:04,583 ♪ cheery festive music playing ♪ 2 00:00:22,208 --> 00:00:24,292 NARRATOR: 'Twas the night before Christmas, 3 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,583 and I've got a tale to tell. 4 00:00:26,583 --> 00:00:31,208 In the very near future, things have all gone to hell. 5 00:00:31,208 --> 00:00:35,833 In 2027, it was made illegal to take drugs or to drink. 6 00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:39,333 A puff, sniff, or sip will land you straight in the clink. 7 00:00:40,167 --> 00:00:43,708 Except for one night, The Binge, as it's known, 8 00:00:43,708 --> 00:00:47,875 where it's perfectly legal to get drunk, high, or stoned. 9 00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:51,833 But something else happened that no one could anticipate. 10 00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:56,042 Spending Christmas with family sober would make you irate. 11 00:00:56,042 --> 00:00:58,625 So this year they did what you wouldn't believe. 12 00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:02,000 They brilliantly moved The Binge to Christmas Eve. 13 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:05,958 So grab some mistletoe, kids, and prepare to get hyped. 14 00:01:05,958 --> 00:01:07,833 A Merry Bingemas to all, 15 00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:10,667 and may you all suck it down pipe! 16 00:01:10,667 --> 00:01:16,083 MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our holiday blowout! 17 00:01:16,083 --> 00:01:17,333 You know our motto, 18 00:01:17,333 --> 00:01:20,417 "When you've literally got nowhere else to go, come here!" 19 00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:23,333 ♪ Chester ♪ [kids cheering] 20 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,917 ♪ Chip Chester ♪ 21 00:01:27,292 --> 00:01:30,417 ♪ Clap, clap, clap clap, clap your hands ♪ 22 00:01:33,292 --> 00:01:34,500 ♪ Everybody ♪ 23 00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:36,625 ♪ Now dr-dr-dr-drop it low ♪ 24 00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:38,333 ♪ intense electronic dance music playing ♪ 25 00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:40,208 ♪ Throw your hands in the air ♪ 26 00:01:40,208 --> 00:01:41,125 ♪ Chip Chester ♪ 27 00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:43,042 ♪ And drop your hands to the beat ♪ 28 00:01:43,042 --> 00:01:44,625 ♪ Chip Chester ♪ 29 00:01:44,625 --> 00:01:46,625 ♪ Drop your hands, motherfucker ♪ 30 00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:47,625 ♪ Motherfucker ♪ 31 00:01:47,625 --> 00:01:50,917 ♪ Drop your motherfuckin' hands ♪ 32 00:01:50,917 --> 00:01:53,042 [kids cheering] 33 00:01:53,042 --> 00:01:54,583 ♪ Chip Chester ♪ 34 00:01:55,875 --> 00:01:58,375 ♪ Drop your hands, motherfuckers ♪ 35 00:01:59,125 --> 00:02:00,917 ♪ Chip Chester ♪ 36 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:02,875 [music stops] 37 00:02:02,875 --> 00:02:06,083 [mic feedback whines] [kids gasping] 38 00:02:06,083 --> 00:02:08,167 ♪ suspenseful music playing ♪ 39 00:02:08,167 --> 00:02:09,417 ♪ Ooh ♪ 40 00:02:09,417 --> 00:02:10,750 ♪ Ee-ooh ♪ 41 00:02:11,625 --> 00:02:13,167 ♪ Ooh ♪ 42 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,292 ♪ Ee-ooh ♪ 43 00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:17,750 - He's a fake! 44 00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:20,042 [kids screaming] 45 00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:26,167 ♪ Drop your hands ♪ 46 00:02:26,167 --> 00:02:28,958 [slow-motion voice yelling] 47 00:02:28,958 --> 00:02:31,417 ♪ Drop your hands to the beat ♪ 48 00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:34,417 [slow-motion scream echoing] 49 00:02:40,292 --> 00:02:43,917 ♪ triumphant music playing ♪ 50 00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:46,583 - Oh, y'all are in trouble now. 51 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,875 - Merry Christmas, motherfuckers. 52 00:02:49,375 --> 00:02:51,583 [people gasping] 53 00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:56,042 [slow-motion scream echoing] 54 00:02:56,875 --> 00:03:02,250 ♪ Joy to the world, the Lord has come ♪ 55 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,042 ♪ Let earth ♪ 56 00:03:05,042 --> 00:03:08,542 ♪ Receive... ♪ 57 00:03:08,542 --> 00:03:10,667 ♪ Joy to the world ♪ 58 00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:16,417 ♪ The Lord has come ♪ 59 00:03:16,417 --> 00:03:19,750 - ♪ Ooh, we're gonna get high Gonna get baked ♪ 60 00:03:19,750 --> 00:03:21,917 ♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪ 61 00:03:21,917 --> 00:03:23,958 ♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪ 62 00:03:23,958 --> 00:03:26,083 ♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪ 63 00:03:26,083 --> 00:03:27,083 ♪ Have some 'shrooms... ♪ 64 00:03:27,083 --> 00:03:29,000 - I can't believe they fired us on Christmas. 65 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,458 - Fired? [scoffs] They weren't paying me. 66 00:03:31,458 --> 00:03:32,500 - What? 67 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,458 - Yeah. I never actually worked there. 68 00:03:34,458 --> 00:03:36,250 You know, I just showed up whenever you had a shift. 69 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,917 Nobody really ever said anything. 70 00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:39,583 - Andrew, I've been meaning to tell you something. 71 00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:42,500 - Oh, look, they're selling those Special Binge Advent calendars! 72 00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:44,625 I heard they have this explosive ketamine 73 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,625 that makes you Freaky Friday with whoever you're with. 74 00:03:46,625 --> 00:03:47,833 Full body swap! 75 00:03:47,833 --> 00:03:49,542 - Andrew, I'm not binging tonight. 76 00:03:49,542 --> 00:03:51,042 - We don't have to Freaky Friday if you don't want, 77 00:03:51,042 --> 00:03:52,500 but come on, man, we gotta binge! 78 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,583 - I know, bro, but can you keep something between you and me? 79 00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:55,708 - Absolutely. 80 00:03:56,292 --> 00:03:57,417 - I'm proposing. 81 00:03:57,417 --> 00:03:59,917 - What? Really? - Sarah's the love of my life. 82 00:03:59,917 --> 00:04:01,500 And I'm going over to her dad's house today 83 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:02,792 to ask him for permission. 84 00:04:02,792 --> 00:04:04,167 - [loudly] My boy's getting married! 85 00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:06,500 - Shh. Andrew. Keep that on the low, all right? 86 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,542 - Sorry. I just can't contain myself. 87 00:04:08,542 --> 00:04:10,167 - [whispers] I'm getting married. - [whispers] Getting married. 88 00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,000 - I'm getting married. - Look at you, man. 89 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,750 My sweet baby boy, all grown up! 90 00:04:14,750 --> 00:04:16,583 - By the way, you and Kimmi are next. 91 00:04:17,208 --> 00:04:18,292 Okay. 92 00:04:22,375 --> 00:04:24,333 - ♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters ♪ 93 00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:30,333 ♪ Is we get so fucking high ♪ 94 00:04:30,333 --> 00:04:36,333 ♪ I'm gonna get so fucking high ♪ 95 00:04:36,333 --> 00:04:38,500 WOMAN: And so another Christmas comes to pass 96 00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:42,125 and we all snuggle around the fire with our loved ones. 97 00:04:42,125 --> 00:04:46,333 May our smiles be wide, and our hearts be full, 98 00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:47,833 and our mi-- [glass shatters] 99 00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:48,792 My God! 100 00:04:48,792 --> 00:04:50,958 - Sorry, Mayor. I was saving it for The Binge later. 101 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,083 It slipped outta my pocket. 102 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:54,125 - Come here. - Okay. 103 00:04:54,125 --> 00:04:55,375 MAYOR SPENGLER: Stop the work, please. 104 00:04:56,375 --> 00:04:58,333 [loudly] Hold the work, please! 105 00:04:58,750 --> 00:04:59,875 I must be confused. 106 00:04:59,875 --> 00:05:03,708 By my calculations, The Binge doesn't start for seven hours. 107 00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:07,125 You do understand that the punishment for having an open bottle 108 00:05:07,125 --> 00:05:12,125 before The Binge begins is up to 25 years in prison, yes? 109 00:05:12,125 --> 00:05:13,375 - Ma'am, please. 110 00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:15,333 I have a family. 111 00:05:15,333 --> 00:05:16,375 MAYOR SPENGLER: Mm-hmm. 112 00:05:16,375 --> 00:05:17,542 - And it's Christmas. 113 00:05:17,542 --> 00:05:18,542 - See what else he has. 114 00:05:18,542 --> 00:05:19,750 - My pleasure. 115 00:05:22,292 --> 00:05:23,542 - Ouch. - Drugs. 116 00:05:24,208 --> 00:05:25,500 - Will you looky there? 117 00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,750 This is my town, and I am not going to stand by 118 00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:33,000 and let a time-honored event like Winter Wonderland be destroyed 119 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,833 because you all wanna do a bunch of slamballs 120 00:05:35,833 --> 00:05:37,250 out of Frosty's hole! 121 00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:38,667 - Frosty's hole? 122 00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:42,667 - F-F-F-F-F-Frosty's hole? Did I stutter? 123 00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:44,917 - Just now when you were mocking me or previously? 124 00:05:46,167 --> 00:05:47,583 - Shoot that man. In his face. 125 00:05:47,583 --> 00:05:48,500 GUARD: I can't do that. 126 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:50,125 - Two in the kneecaps then. Make it quick. 127 00:05:50,125 --> 00:05:51,417 GUARD: They don't even give me a gun. 128 00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:52,500 MAYOR SPENGLER: Oh, my God! 129 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,792 You're making me feel like maybe I'm the crazy one! 130 00:05:54,792 --> 00:05:55,875 Arrest him! 131 00:05:55,875 --> 00:05:56,958 - You're under arrest. 132 00:05:56,958 --> 00:05:59,375 - Your mom is truly terrifying. 133 00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:03,125 - Yeah, she's in the middle of a nervous breakdown or something. 134 00:06:03,125 --> 00:06:05,333 - Does anybody else wanna binge? 135 00:06:05,333 --> 00:06:08,500 - Where are we binging tonight? Chili's? Whackadoodles? 136 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:11,417 I heard Bed, Bath & Beyond is doing something in the Beyond area. 137 00:06:11,417 --> 00:06:14,167 - Aren't we past all that binge stuff? 138 00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:15,958 It's a little immature. 139 00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:18,125 Can-- Can you follow the snow path? 140 00:06:18,125 --> 00:06:22,042 It's a-- It's a valley. It has-- It has to flow a certain way. 141 00:06:22,625 --> 00:06:23,708 - Are you serious right now? 142 00:06:23,708 --> 00:06:27,208 - Anyway, I kinda have to be here to help my mom. 143 00:06:27,875 --> 00:06:30,000 SARAH: What is she doing with that owl? 144 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,958 KIMMI: [scoffs] She wants it to be like a Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil thing 145 00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:35,917 that brings people into town. 146 00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:37,292 - I hate that so much. 147 00:06:38,125 --> 00:06:41,417 - It's me and you, kid, bringing back Christmas. 148 00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:44,583 SEB: Can't binge on an empty stomach. 149 00:06:44,583 --> 00:06:46,042 Let's plop something on. 150 00:06:46,042 --> 00:06:48,042 DAKOTA: I'm not doing that. SEB: Just plop it. 151 00:06:48,042 --> 00:06:49,583 DAKOTA: Stop telling me to plop it. 152 00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:50,625 SEB: Plop it. 153 00:06:52,583 --> 00:06:54,208 ANDREW: Hey, hey! - What up, bro? 154 00:06:54,208 --> 00:06:56,750 - Merry Christmas. SEB: Merry Christmas, bro. 155 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,208 ANDREW: I got you something, man. 156 00:06:58,208 --> 00:06:59,333 - What's that? Is that for me? 157 00:06:59,333 --> 00:07:01,208 ANDREW: That's for you, man. - Get the fuck outta here! 158 00:07:01,208 --> 00:07:02,833 - [chuckles] Put it on. Put it on. 159 00:07:02,833 --> 00:07:04,333 SEB: "Best Brother Ever!" 160 00:07:04,333 --> 00:07:06,042 - Hey, Dakota, this is for you. 161 00:07:06,833 --> 00:07:08,042 There was a two-fer. 162 00:07:08,458 --> 00:07:09,583 - I hate you so much. 163 00:07:09,583 --> 00:07:10,875 SEB: Babe, we talked about this. 164 00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:12,458 What did we say about being nicer to my brother? 165 00:07:12,458 --> 00:07:13,958 DAKOTA: I can't! Look at him. 166 00:07:13,958 --> 00:07:15,167 Look at all that up there. 167 00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:17,208 And all that in the middle part. 168 00:07:18,042 --> 00:07:19,958 - My face and my body? DAKOTA: Yeah. 169 00:07:19,958 --> 00:07:21,625 - Just be nice to him. - No. 170 00:07:21,625 --> 00:07:25,625 - [gasps] I thought I heard someone come in, 171 00:07:25,625 --> 00:07:29,792 and you must be Andrew. 172 00:07:29,792 --> 00:07:31,292 - Wait, who the fuck is this? 173 00:07:31,292 --> 00:07:35,250 - Andrew, I'm Craig, your mom's new lover. 174 00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:37,542 - You're... banging my mom? 175 00:07:37,542 --> 00:07:42,083 - Your mother and I are intimate together, yes. 176 00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:46,125 And we have a very special relationship. 177 00:07:46,792 --> 00:07:52,500 And, Andrew, I don't think you should be threatened at all by me 178 00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:56,583 or my relationship with your mother. 179 00:07:56,583 --> 00:07:58,042 ANDREW: Are you kidding me with this fucking guy? 180 00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,292 What the hell is going on? 181 00:07:59,292 --> 00:08:02,875 - I am so excited to be spending the holiday 182 00:08:02,875 --> 00:08:05,083 with you and your family. 183 00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:06,333 - Get the fuck outta here! 184 00:08:06,333 --> 00:08:09,625 - [giggles] I love a family that goofs around. 185 00:08:09,625 --> 00:08:11,083 I'm into it. [continues giggling] 186 00:08:11,083 --> 00:08:13,167 - I'm not so sure you're gonna like Christmas with us. 187 00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:15,708 [smoke alarm beeping] - [yelling] Can you guys shut the fuck up, please? 188 00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:17,667 Andrew, what the hell took you so long to get home? 189 00:08:18,250 --> 00:08:21,000 - [yelling] I was getting presents, Mom! What the fuck? 190 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,125 - The only present I ever got was the human papillomavirus 191 00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:26,417 from a retired jockey in Ronkonkoma! 192 00:08:26,417 --> 00:08:28,292 - Nobody wants to hear your fucking stories! 193 00:08:28,292 --> 00:08:29,625 - Actually, I kind of do. 194 00:08:29,625 --> 00:08:31,583 - Will you shut the fuck up, Craig? 195 00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:33,833 - Don't you tell my Craig to shut up! 196 00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:37,875 - I will burn this house to the ground and make it look like a fucking accident! 197 00:08:37,875 --> 00:08:39,833 - You're upsetting Craig with all the yelling! 198 00:08:39,833 --> 00:08:42,042 He is a very sensitive man! 199 00:08:42,042 --> 00:08:44,375 - I apologize. I apologize all around. 200 00:08:44,375 --> 00:08:47,000 - Don't apologize! How many times have I told you? 201 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,125 - I'm not sorry for anything. 202 00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:50,000 - You're not sorry? - You're not sorry for anything? 203 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,583 Are you fucking kidding me? Are you crazy? 204 00:08:51,583 --> 00:08:53,000 - What kind of person are you? 205 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,708 - I'm indifferent. I'm just Indifferent Craig. 206 00:08:55,708 --> 00:08:57,750 - Indifferent Craig, fix this! 207 00:08:57,750 --> 00:09:00,208 - Oh, I'll put a cinnamon glaze on it. 208 00:09:00,208 --> 00:09:03,208 ♪ Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major playing ♪ 209 00:09:19,583 --> 00:09:21,917 - Mr. Martin! Good to see you, sir. 210 00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,292 - Nice of you to dress up, Hags. 211 00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:27,667 - Uh, w-- what are you working on? 212 00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:30,542 - Ah, it's a little thing I've been working on for the past two years. 213 00:09:31,542 --> 00:09:34,667 - Wow, sir! You have quite the talent. 214 00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:35,500 - Yeah. 215 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:38,208 - I mean, this is basically a flawless gingerbread man. 216 00:09:38,208 --> 00:09:40,083 - It's a self-portrait. - Really? 217 00:09:40,083 --> 00:09:42,292 What an amazing piece. - Thank you. 218 00:09:42,292 --> 00:09:45,250 - Next up, can you sculpt me like one of your French girls? 219 00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:49,500 You know, like in Titanic. 220 00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:53,958 - The shipwreck in 1912 that killed 1,500 innocent people? 221 00:09:53,958 --> 00:09:55,042 That Titanic? 222 00:09:55,542 --> 00:09:56,875 - I meant the movie. 223 00:09:56,875 --> 00:10:01,583 - You know as well as I do, movies are just pictures with sound. 224 00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:04,375 - Uh, well, I'm happy you're out here 225 00:10:04,375 --> 00:10:05,958 'cause I wanted to talk to you about something. 226 00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:08,833 You know, um, Sarah and I have been dating each other 227 00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:11,125 for about three and a half years now. - You're a good kid, Hags. 228 00:10:11,125 --> 00:10:14,167 I know it's been hard holding off being intimate with my daughter. 229 00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:15,625 - Yeah, right. [laughs] 230 00:10:17,333 --> 00:10:18,833 Yeah, right! 231 00:10:18,833 --> 00:10:21,042 Yeah-- Yeah, we're waiting until marriage. 232 00:10:21,042 --> 00:10:23,000 We might even wait a couple years after marriage. 233 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,375 We could just love each other from a distance. 234 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,708 But since you brought up marriage though, 235 00:10:27,708 --> 00:10:30,458 uh, I wanted to ask you, Mr. Martin-- 236 00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:33,250 - Oh, no, please. Mr. Martin was my father. 237 00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:34,250 I'm Dr. Martin. 238 00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:36,208 One of the first things I learned in medical school 239 00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:39,167 is how to cut through the bone cleanly and swiftly. 240 00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:40,167 - You're a foot doctor. 241 00:10:40,167 --> 00:10:42,458 - Feet have bones, Hags! 242 00:10:42,458 --> 00:10:45,083 That's the second thing I learned in medical school. 243 00:10:45,083 --> 00:10:46,500 Let me show you. [chainsaw buzzing] 244 00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,500 - Please don't. 245 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,708 - Hags hasn't been Hags lately. 246 00:10:51,708 --> 00:10:53,667 He's been acting, like, super weird. 247 00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:55,292 Has Andrew said anything about him? 248 00:10:55,292 --> 00:10:59,333 - Andrew and I had a conscious uncoupling. 249 00:10:59,333 --> 00:11:01,792 - How is this the first time I'm hearing about this? 250 00:11:01,792 --> 00:11:04,167 - Well, we haven't really talked since I've been away at college. 251 00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:06,625 And to be honest, as insufferable as my mom is, 252 00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:08,875 she did offer to give me a job. 253 00:11:08,875 --> 00:11:12,667 And she thinks that Andrew could ruin her image, 254 00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:15,083 mainly his two dads. 255 00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:17,542 - So what? Literally, everyone's parents are gay now. 256 00:11:17,542 --> 00:11:19,875 If anything, I think that'll help her win the election. 257 00:11:19,875 --> 00:11:22,750 - No, like, he literally has two dads. 258 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:25,167 He's a twin from two separate fathers. 259 00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:26,458 It's-- It's actually pretty common. 260 00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:29,542 His mom had sex with two men in a short window of time 261 00:11:29,542 --> 00:11:31,583 who got her pregnant at the same time. 262 00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:34,333 Like a Rube Goldberg system of having sex... 263 00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,333 - Gross. - ...where the egg gets knocked into one or another, 264 00:11:36,333 --> 00:11:38,250 and then you get two for the price of one, even if... 265 00:11:38,250 --> 00:11:40,375 HECTOR: Eyyy! Is that Andrew I hear? 266 00:11:41,458 --> 00:11:42,667 Merry Christmas, son. 267 00:11:42,667 --> 00:11:43,833 - Merry Christmas, Dad. 268 00:11:45,583 --> 00:11:47,750 [speaking Spanish] 269 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:51,375 - Dad? Did someone say my name? 270 00:11:51,375 --> 00:11:52,750 - No, nobody said your name. 271 00:11:52,750 --> 00:11:55,708 - If I remember correctly, it's almost time for me and your brother 272 00:11:55,708 --> 00:11:59,125 to make you eat all the tinsel off the Christmas tree. 273 00:11:59,542 --> 00:12:00,625 ANDREW: I-- I haven't-- 274 00:12:00,625 --> 00:12:03,167 I haven't eaten all the tinsel from the Christmas tree in-- in years. 275 00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:06,083 - Well, I think it's always sad to see a tradition die. 276 00:12:06,083 --> 00:12:09,292 But The Binge starts in two hours, 277 00:12:09,292 --> 00:12:14,125 and I'm gonna get ass up on this motherfuckin' dale, dale! 278 00:12:14,125 --> 00:12:17,708 [laughs] Whipping up a batch of my world-famous nog. 279 00:12:17,708 --> 00:12:18,792 [Andrew retching] 280 00:12:18,792 --> 00:12:23,125 Hopefully, Hector doesn't puke on the pussycat again. 281 00:12:23,125 --> 00:12:24,958 - You know that cat ran away. 282 00:12:24,958 --> 00:12:26,417 - See what you did, Hector? 283 00:12:26,417 --> 00:12:29,958 - You know I have a lactose intolerance, Rigo. 284 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,750 - Oh, yeah. Hector, that excuse ain't gonna fly on The Binge. 285 00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:34,917 Tonight, all the rules are out the window! 286 00:12:34,917 --> 00:12:38,083 - That's not really how irritable bowel syndrome works. 287 00:12:38,083 --> 00:12:41,833 - Well, then I guess you're gonna shit your pants at the dinner table. 288 00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:43,542 - I guess I am. 289 00:12:43,542 --> 00:12:46,917 - Oh. My. God. 290 00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:49,375 - Kimberly! Kimberly, come. Hurry up. 291 00:12:50,125 --> 00:12:54,542 Okay, ladies. Ears open, mouths closed, eyes wide. 292 00:12:54,542 --> 00:12:55,958 - What should we do with our noses? 293 00:12:55,958 --> 00:12:57,542 - Flared and proud, Sarah. 294 00:12:57,542 --> 00:12:59,417 [owl hooting] - That owl is freaking me out. 295 00:12:59,417 --> 00:13:01,750 What does an owl even have to do with Christmas anyway? 296 00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:04,833 - I've got a hunch a similar thing was said about bunnies and Easter, 297 00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:07,333 but we all collectively seem to have moved past it. 298 00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:08,167 Have we not? 299 00:13:09,167 --> 00:13:10,875 - I guess. - You guessed right! 300 00:13:10,875 --> 00:13:13,458 And do not play games with me, not tonight, 301 00:13:13,458 --> 00:13:16,750 because I am not Hasbro, and this ain't Monopoly. 302 00:13:16,750 --> 00:13:20,458 You will be Sorry and in Trouble 303 00:13:20,458 --> 00:13:23,042 if you mess with my Operation. 304 00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:25,000 - [softly] She loves board games. 305 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,333 It's, like, her only frame of reference. - I'm getting that. 306 00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:30,417 - Girls, it is only one short month away from the election, 307 00:13:30,417 --> 00:13:32,708 and we need to remind this town of who they are. 308 00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:34,917 Our brand is family values. 309 00:13:34,917 --> 00:13:38,167 Now I've already confiscated drugs from the disgusting help that works here. 310 00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:41,000 And Channel 7 will be doing a redemption piece on me. 311 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,000 The Mayor who defied all odds. 312 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,750 The Mayor who brought down The Binge, 313 00:13:44,750 --> 00:13:48,667 and brought Christmas and tourism back 314 00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:52,667 with the magical help of the Christmas Owl. 315 00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:55,875 [cage clatters] [people clamoring] 316 00:13:55,875 --> 00:13:59,000 Shh, shh, shh, shh! Nobody move. Nobody move. 317 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,125 If I call it, it will come to me. 318 00:14:02,625 --> 00:14:03,833 [rolls tongue] 319 00:14:05,833 --> 00:14:07,750 [rolls tongue] 320 00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:13,417 [owl screeches] [people screaming] 321 00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:15,625 Someone get it! Get the owl! - I'm not getting him! 322 00:14:15,625 --> 00:14:17,125 He looked at me like he had something to prove. 323 00:14:17,125 --> 00:14:18,250 - Shoot this man! 324 00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:19,542 - Again, I-- I can't. 325 00:14:19,542 --> 00:14:20,958 [owl screeches] [people screaming] 326 00:14:21,458 --> 00:14:23,333 [owl screeching] 327 00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:25,250 [people clamoring] 328 00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:26,917 - Shit! Kimmi. - Yes. 329 00:14:26,917 --> 00:14:29,625 - You have your first task as not my daughter 330 00:14:29,625 --> 00:14:30,833 but as my employee. 331 00:14:30,833 --> 00:14:32,167 I need that owl back 332 00:14:32,167 --> 00:14:34,958 'cause it really is the cornerstone of this entire event. 333 00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,125 Do you understand? 334 00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:38,750 [growling] Go get me my Christmas Owl! 335 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,000 ♪ Silent night ♪ 336 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:47,042 ♪ Holy night ♪ 337 00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:51,875 ♪ All is calm ♪ 338 00:14:51,875 --> 00:14:54,333 ♪ All is bright ♪ 339 00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:57,208 - Indoor hot tub, Hags. Just had it installed. 340 00:14:57,208 --> 00:14:58,500 It's absolutely crucial 341 00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:01,167 when the body temperature drops under 32 like yours did. 342 00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:04,333 - Um, whose bathing suit am I in? 343 00:15:04,917 --> 00:15:06,583 - I popped you into one of mine. 344 00:15:08,458 --> 00:15:12,000 - So, uh, you wanna turn on the bubbles or nothing? 345 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,792 - No, no. I like to be able to see right through to the bottom. 346 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,667 Too many mysteries in those bubbles. 347 00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:22,375 So I think you were gonna ask me if you could marry my daughter. 348 00:15:22,375 --> 00:15:24,500 - Yes! No, that's exactly right! 349 00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:27,292 I mean, if-- if I have your blessing, if that's all right with you. 350 00:15:27,292 --> 00:15:28,833 And her. Is she okay? 351 00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:32,333 - Yeah. That's Grandma Ray. She has nocturnal lagophthalmos. 352 00:15:32,333 --> 00:15:34,833 She sleeps with her eyes open. She always has. 353 00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,375 [Grandma Ray snoring] 354 00:15:36,375 --> 00:15:37,375 - Right. 355 00:15:38,792 --> 00:15:41,042 - You know, Sarah's all I got. 356 00:15:41,042 --> 00:15:44,583 I was adopted just like her, and my mother before me. 357 00:15:44,583 --> 00:15:46,417 It's part of our family ethos 358 00:15:46,417 --> 00:15:50,083 to bring together love from all different walks of life. 359 00:15:50,958 --> 00:15:53,083 And that all culminates on Christmas. 360 00:15:53,083 --> 00:15:54,458 - Man, that is beautiful. 361 00:15:54,458 --> 00:15:57,125 [Grandma Ray yells] 362 00:15:57,125 --> 00:15:59,833 - Night terrors. Just ignore it, she's fine. 363 00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:04,417 [Grandma Ray yells, snores] 364 00:16:04,417 --> 00:16:05,417 - Okay. 365 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,708 I-- I mean, sir, you know, Sarah and I are really just-- 366 00:16:08,708 --> 00:16:11,792 [Grandma Ray groans] 367 00:16:12,458 --> 00:16:13,958 - Don't stare at her, please. 368 00:16:13,958 --> 00:16:15,458 [Grandma Ray yells] 369 00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:18,125 - Sir, if she's asleep, how will she know? 370 00:16:18,125 --> 00:16:19,792 - Do you wanna marry Sarah, 371 00:16:19,792 --> 00:16:22,125 or do you want to talk about Grandma Ray? 372 00:16:22,125 --> 00:16:24,250 - That's exactly-- I would love to marry your daughter. 373 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,083 - Mm-hmm. 374 00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:27,833 - I know Sarah and I are both a little stuck in our ways, 375 00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:30,875 but I-- I-- I'm starting to notice our friends move on 376 00:16:30,875 --> 00:16:32,750 to the next phases of their lives, 377 00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:36,458 and... I think we're ready to do that too. 378 00:16:36,458 --> 00:16:37,625 Uh-- You know what? No. 379 00:16:38,833 --> 00:16:39,833 I know we are. 380 00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:43,792 ♪ soft poignant music playing ♪ [chuckles] 381 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,167 - [loudly] Mom, wake up! 382 00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:49,625 I think it's time to tell him the story of the family ring. 383 00:16:50,292 --> 00:16:51,958 GRANDMA RAY: Yes. 384 00:16:51,958 --> 00:16:55,208 ♪ soft ethereal music playing ♪ 385 00:16:56,208 --> 00:17:01,375 A jeweled kaleidoscope of different eras, cultures, and love sagas, 386 00:17:01,875 --> 00:17:04,458 originally etched by my great-great-grandfather 387 00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:08,125 who was the bastard child of a wild-eyed blacksmith 388 00:17:08,125 --> 00:17:11,167 and a legless courtesan during the Ottoman Empire. 389 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,667 Formed from the hottest lava in the hills of Ganesh. 390 00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:18,917 There was a tradition that every time the ring was passed down, 391 00:17:18,917 --> 00:17:20,125 a stone would be added. 392 00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,167 Well, she eventually added a ruby 393 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:26,417 and passed it down to her daughter, my great-grandmother, 394 00:17:26,417 --> 00:17:30,500 who was the first woman soldier to fight in the Zaraniq Rebellion. 395 00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:35,000 The ring was quickly lost in a hail of gunpowder and smoke. 396 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,667 She buried the ring in her baby daughter's blanket 397 00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:40,542 and ran back into the war zone, ready to die! 398 00:17:40,542 --> 00:17:43,458 - This is important. Don't miss this next five minutes. 399 00:17:43,458 --> 00:17:47,917 - That baby was raised by zebras in what was then British East Africa 400 00:17:47,917 --> 00:17:50,375 and grew up to be my grandmother 401 00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:53,333 who was eventually adopted by a nice East Coast family. 402 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,042 Thus began the long line of adoptions. 403 00:17:57,708 --> 00:18:00,833 Well, she went on to marry a longshoreman in Northern New Jersey 404 00:18:00,833 --> 00:18:02,167 with gout of the hands. 405 00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:04,000 Fearful that the ring will be taken from her, 406 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,250 she hid it in the body of a six-foot rainbow trout 407 00:18:07,250 --> 00:18:10,000 that her husband had brought home the morning before he went missing. 408 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:15,583 That ring stayed in the carcass of that frozen fish for nearly four years, 409 00:18:15,583 --> 00:18:18,792 and now, I bestow it to you. 410 00:18:18,792 --> 00:18:21,125 The legend-- unbelievable. 411 00:18:21,917 --> 00:18:24,167 The smell-- intolerable. 412 00:18:25,125 --> 00:18:27,917 And now it's yours to make your own story with. 413 00:18:27,917 --> 00:18:28,833 Here, catch. 414 00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:30,042 [ring plunks] 415 00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,042 - Uh-oh. 416 00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:33,667 Right there. 417 00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:37,208 - Got it. - Good. 418 00:18:37,208 --> 00:18:39,083 - Yeah, I see why you keep the bubbles off now. 419 00:18:39,083 --> 00:18:40,375 - Now you're starting to get it, Hags. 420 00:18:40,375 --> 00:18:41,792 - Yes, sir. 421 00:18:41,792 --> 00:18:43,208 You know, that was an amazing story-- 422 00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:45,333 - Uh... don't even bother. She's conked out. 423 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,042 [Grandma Ray coos] 424 00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:48,417 Welcome to the family, son. 425 00:18:48,417 --> 00:18:50,000 - Oh, thank you, sir. 426 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,333 SARAH: Ew! 427 00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:53,000 What the fuck is happening here? 428 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,292 Why are you guys in the hot tub? 429 00:18:54,292 --> 00:18:55,917 - Um, Sarah, I can explain. 430 00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:57,083 I'm just bonding time-- 431 00:18:57,083 --> 00:18:58,625 - Hags, keep your voice down. My grandma's sleeping. 432 00:18:58,625 --> 00:19:00,583 - Okay, babe, can you just grab me a towel? 433 00:19:00,583 --> 00:19:03,125 - No! Don't waste the towel. 434 00:19:03,125 --> 00:19:04,708 Wipe yourself off on the carpet. 435 00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:05,625 That's what it's there for. 436 00:19:05,625 --> 00:19:07,167 - Do not roll around on my carpet. 437 00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:10,167 - This is my house. Roll around on the carpet, please. 438 00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:11,500 - Stop carpet drying! 439 00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,042 SARAH'S DAD: Roll around. Do it! 440 00:19:13,042 --> 00:19:13,833 [Grandma Ray yells] 441 00:19:13,833 --> 00:19:17,792 ♪ "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" playing ♪ 442 00:19:18,833 --> 00:19:23,375 ♪ Jolly old St. Nicholas, lean your ear this way... ♪ 443 00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:25,458 - Merry Christmas, everybody! 444 00:19:25,458 --> 00:19:27,333 Hey, kids! Merry Christmas! 445 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,583 ♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon... ♪ 446 00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:31,917 [owl screeches] 447 00:19:31,917 --> 00:19:34,167 ♪ dramatic music playing ♪ 448 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:37,333 Oh, fuck! Motherfucking owl! [screams] 449 00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:39,167 [thuds] [all screaming] 450 00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:41,250 Ooh! [gasps] 451 00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:44,458 - Hey, Merry Christmas! 452 00:19:45,292 --> 00:19:46,458 - Merry Christmas. 453 00:19:46,458 --> 00:19:49,292 - Uh, yeah, good to see ya. Ho-ho-ho! 454 00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:53,125 Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! 455 00:19:53,875 --> 00:19:56,625 - Uncle Kris? What are you doing here? 456 00:19:56,625 --> 00:19:57,625 UNCLE KRIS: Hey, Kimmi! 457 00:19:57,625 --> 00:19:59,417 I'm here to restore the magic of Christmas. 458 00:20:00,083 --> 00:20:01,792 - I actually go by Kimberly now. 459 00:20:01,792 --> 00:20:04,667 - Oh. Yeah, of course. So mature. 460 00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:07,333 Man, so much has changed since I've been in the North Pole. 461 00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:09,167 - You mean state prison? 462 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,333 - Well, it-- it is 30 miles north of here. 463 00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:13,750 - Are you okay? 464 00:20:13,750 --> 00:20:15,875 - Are you kidding? It's Christmas Eve! 465 00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:16,875 I'm better than ever! 466 00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:18,625 But my legs are starting to get kinda tingly. 467 00:20:18,625 --> 00:20:19,958 Oh, just, ooh! [bones crunching] 468 00:20:19,958 --> 00:20:20,667 [all screaming] 469 00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:23,167 - Oh, wow! Okay! Wow! 470 00:20:23,167 --> 00:20:25,375 - You spend a lot of time on black ice, climbing roofs, 471 00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:27,792 trying to put presents in a chimney, 472 00:20:27,792 --> 00:20:29,917 yeah, you learn a little bit about pain, you know? 473 00:20:29,917 --> 00:20:32,500 - Yeah. Un-- Uncle Kris, can I ask you a serious question? 474 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,250 And can you be 100% honest with me? 475 00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:36,625 - Of course. Absolutely. 476 00:20:36,625 --> 00:20:39,292 - Did you break out of jail and steal that squad car? 477 00:20:39,833 --> 00:20:41,417 UNCLE KRIS: No, that's my Uber. 478 00:20:41,417 --> 00:20:42,750 Yeah, you got five stars, Rick! 479 00:20:43,958 --> 00:20:45,708 All right, yeah, I stole the car, okay? 480 00:20:45,708 --> 00:20:47,458 But it doesn't matter because The Binge is on, 481 00:20:47,458 --> 00:20:49,125 and everyone's excited about Christmas again! 482 00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:51,542 - Uncle Kris, I really think I should take you back to jail. 483 00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,833 You're gonna be in so much trouble, and-- and my mom is gonna kill us. 484 00:20:54,833 --> 00:20:57,917 - I'll go back to jail in the morning, I promise. 485 00:20:57,917 --> 00:21:00,917 But tonight, it's about family, all right? 486 00:21:01,417 --> 00:21:03,500 And now we gotta fix this old leg of mine. 487 00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:05,917 All right? I need your help, okay? KIMMI: Yeah, okay. 488 00:21:05,917 --> 00:21:06,917 - Yeah. 489 00:21:07,917 --> 00:21:09,250 Yeah, just treat it like a gear shift. 490 00:21:09,250 --> 00:21:10,708 Like a Miata. 491 00:21:11,208 --> 00:21:12,833 All right, go for it. [bones crunching] 492 00:21:12,833 --> 00:21:14,583 [people screaming] 493 00:21:14,583 --> 00:21:16,875 [grunting] Is there an old brick lying around? 494 00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:18,250 I'll smash it into place on my own. 495 00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:19,500 You don't have to do anything. 496 00:21:20,917 --> 00:21:24,125 Hey, child, what do you want under the tree this Christmas? 497 00:21:24,125 --> 00:21:26,792 [bones crunch] [all screaming] 498 00:21:31,583 --> 00:21:33,083 NEWS ANCHOR: Ho-ho-ho, indeed! 499 00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:36,125 We are reporting live from outside of Winter Wonderland 500 00:21:36,125 --> 00:21:38,875 which is set to open in just a few hours. 501 00:21:38,875 --> 00:21:41,042 The trains are running, children are playing, 502 00:21:41,042 --> 00:21:42,958 but terror lurks. 503 00:21:42,958 --> 00:21:46,708 That's right, the reports of owl attacks have been on the rise. 504 00:21:46,708 --> 00:21:48,292 Many are blaming Mayor Spengler 505 00:21:48,292 --> 00:21:51,417 for releasing a bloodthirsty owl into town. 506 00:21:51,417 --> 00:21:54,792 Residents, we are advising all of you to duck and take cover 507 00:21:54,792 --> 00:21:58,000 if you hear any sort of odd rustling sounds. 508 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:02,083 And pet owners, make sure to lock away any scoopable pets. 509 00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:05,208 It's for their safety and yours. 510 00:22:05,208 --> 00:22:07,083 - This thing is amazing! 511 00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:10,000 You open the first box when The Binge starts 512 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,208 and then one every hour till it's over. 513 00:22:12,208 --> 00:22:14,500 We're gonna be so fucked. 514 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:17,583 - So, babe, what are you thinking I should wear for dinner tonight? 515 00:22:17,583 --> 00:22:19,125 Should I do a traditional button-down 516 00:22:19,125 --> 00:22:21,125 or... wait a minute, 517 00:22:22,292 --> 00:22:23,792 something a bit more flashy? 518 00:22:23,792 --> 00:22:26,250 - Who cares? You don't see me stressing about my wardrobe. 519 00:22:26,250 --> 00:22:31,583 - Well, that's 'cause you'll look stunning in anything you decide to wear. 520 00:22:31,583 --> 00:22:33,292 - All right, what the hell is wrong with you? 521 00:22:33,292 --> 00:22:35,667 - Huh? - Everyone is acting so bizarre. 522 00:22:35,667 --> 00:22:37,083 You're planning your Christmas outfits. 523 00:22:37,083 --> 00:22:38,792 My dad's tubbing with you. 524 00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:41,458 Kimmi gets back home from college and wants to be called Kimberly. 525 00:22:42,417 --> 00:22:46,083 - Well, you know, maybe we're all just growing up. 526 00:22:47,250 --> 00:22:49,542 - Oh, I know what you're doing. - You do? 527 00:22:49,542 --> 00:22:51,500 - I actually have a little Christmas surprise for you. 528 00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,625 I was gonna wait till later tonight, but-- 529 00:22:53,625 --> 00:22:55,667 - Oh, babe! Thank you! 530 00:22:56,167 --> 00:23:00,083 I can't wait-- Oh! Oh, look at this! 531 00:23:00,083 --> 00:23:01,083 This is... 532 00:23:01,917 --> 00:23:03,375 What is this? 533 00:23:03,375 --> 00:23:05,250 - It's a sex vest. It's called the Titilator. 534 00:23:05,250 --> 00:23:07,125 You said you wanted to spice things up. 535 00:23:07,125 --> 00:23:08,042 - When did I say that? 536 00:23:08,042 --> 00:23:10,458 I like the current spice level of our relationship. 537 00:23:10,458 --> 00:23:13,833 - Well I paid $3.99 for the app, so put it on. 538 00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:15,500 - App? 539 00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:18,208 Woo! [quivering, moaning] 540 00:23:18,208 --> 00:23:20,208 - Hey, guys, it's almost time to binge. 541 00:23:20,208 --> 00:23:21,250 Let's have a toast. 542 00:23:21,250 --> 00:23:23,875 Toast to purity, respect, and honesty, 543 00:23:23,875 --> 00:23:25,542 the most important things in the world. 544 00:23:25,542 --> 00:23:26,917 - Dad, go away! 545 00:23:26,917 --> 00:23:28,833 - No, see, we should really stop. What if he hears us? 546 00:23:28,833 --> 00:23:31,000 - He won't hear anything. I'll just put on some fuck music. 547 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,000 - What kind of music? 548 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,875 SARAH: Alexa, play fuck music. 549 00:23:33,875 --> 00:23:36,042 HAGS: Why are you saying that so loud? 550 00:23:36,042 --> 00:23:38,417 ALEXA: Now playing Sarah's fuck music playlist. 551 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,917 - Hmph. I'm glad to see funk is making a comeback with the kids. 552 00:23:42,917 --> 00:23:44,375 - Since when are you so worried about my dad? 553 00:23:44,375 --> 00:23:45,500 He's not gonna come in. 554 00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:46,458 - Do you want me to come in? 555 00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:47,625 - No! - No! 556 00:23:47,625 --> 00:23:50,792 Alexa, turn up the Titilator to level seven. 557 00:23:50,792 --> 00:23:52,333 ALEXA: Titilator, level seven. 558 00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:55,458 - [voice shaking] Okay, Alexa, stop. This is bad. 559 00:23:55,458 --> 00:23:56,958 Oh-oh-oh-oh, this is bad. 560 00:23:56,958 --> 00:23:58,542 ALEXA: Calling Dad. 561 00:23:58,542 --> 00:24:00,375 HAGS: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! 562 00:24:00,375 --> 00:24:02,625 - Sarah, what are those haunted noises? 563 00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:04,458 Are you guys playing with the Ouija board again? 564 00:24:04,458 --> 00:24:05,708 - Sarah, Sarah, please. 565 00:24:05,708 --> 00:24:08,542 I can't take anymore, and your dad's outside. 566 00:24:08,542 --> 00:24:12,542 And what if Santa flies by and he sees my penis? 567 00:24:12,542 --> 00:24:14,375 - You're saying you don't wanna have sex with me 568 00:24:14,375 --> 00:24:19,750 because you're afraid that Santa Claus will fly by the window in the daytime 569 00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,167 and see your penis? 570 00:24:21,708 --> 00:24:22,708 - Yes? 571 00:24:23,208 --> 00:24:24,500 - Eight. - No. 572 00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:26,000 - Nine. - Why you counting? 573 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,542 - Ten. [Hags quivering, moaning] 574 00:24:27,542 --> 00:24:30,125 [bells tolling] 575 00:24:30,125 --> 00:24:35,167 ♪ Joy to the world, The Binge has come ♪ 576 00:24:35,167 --> 00:24:38,792 ♪ There's beer, there's wine, there's drugs ♪ 577 00:24:38,792 --> 00:24:40,417 ♪ There's lots of drugs ♪ 578 00:24:40,417 --> 00:24:43,917 NARRATOR: As the clock struck six, The Binge began anew, 579 00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:47,500 and the hearts of all families and children grew. 580 00:24:47,500 --> 00:24:50,750 And although it may seem like a good idea to imbibe, 581 00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:55,625 we may soon see the grass isn't always greener on the other side. 582 00:24:55,625 --> 00:24:59,167 RIGO: [chanting] Dale! Dale! Dale! Dale! 583 00:24:59,167 --> 00:25:00,917 - That's my girl. - All right. Okay. 584 00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:03,542 Now let's all go around the table 585 00:25:03,542 --> 00:25:06,375 and say one thing we are thankful for this year. 586 00:25:06,375 --> 00:25:07,958 - Isn't that like a Thanksgiving? 587 00:25:07,958 --> 00:25:09,000 - Callate! - Okay. 588 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:14,500 - I just wanna say, I am thankful for getting the chance to love again. 589 00:25:15,167 --> 00:25:17,708 After Nana passed away, I sort of-- 590 00:25:17,708 --> 00:25:19,208 - No one cares about you, Craig. 591 00:25:19,208 --> 00:25:21,250 - [yelling] Don't you talk to Craig like that! 592 00:25:21,250 --> 00:25:23,708 - Hey, hey, hey! On Thanksgiving, I talk to whoever I want, 593 00:25:23,708 --> 00:25:25,167 however I want, okay? 594 00:25:25,167 --> 00:25:28,042 - I gotta say, I'm thankful for this frothy-ass eggnog. 595 00:25:28,042 --> 00:25:29,292 Best batch yet, Pop. 596 00:25:29,292 --> 00:25:31,875 - Which brings me to my next point. 597 00:25:32,875 --> 00:25:35,208 Andy, I hate to break it to you, kid, 598 00:25:35,208 --> 00:25:36,625 but the proof is in the piss. 599 00:25:36,625 --> 00:25:38,500 I ain't your dad, son. 600 00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:39,917 - Rigo, don't start with this shit again! 601 00:25:39,917 --> 00:25:41,542 - Nah, nah, nah. I'm gonna start it. 602 00:25:41,542 --> 00:25:44,125 I paid child support for 18 years, and I want my money back. 603 00:25:44,125 --> 00:25:45,167 [speaking Spanish] 604 00:25:45,167 --> 00:25:48,875 Hector's obviously his father, two sad sacks that are afraid of milk. 605 00:25:48,875 --> 00:25:51,917 - We're not afraid of milk. Our bodies reject it. 606 00:25:51,917 --> 00:25:54,000 - No, you're afraid. You're afrai-- You're-- You're afraid! 607 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,042 - Bro, just drink the eggnog. You're ruining Christmas again. 608 00:25:56,042 --> 00:25:57,250 ANDREW: I get diarrhea. 609 00:25:57,250 --> 00:25:59,125 - Diarrhea is just weakness leaving the body. 610 00:25:59,125 --> 00:26:00,375 - Dale! Tomar! 611 00:26:00,375 --> 00:26:02,833 - Drink the goddamn eggnog! - Tomar! Tomar! 612 00:26:02,833 --> 00:26:04,125 - Okay, okay. - I'll do it too. 613 00:26:04,125 --> 00:26:05,125 RIGO: Tomar! 614 00:26:07,167 --> 00:26:08,167 - Just all the way. 615 00:26:08,750 --> 00:26:12,208 - All right, all right. Shut your top and bottom holes and let's say grace. 616 00:26:12,208 --> 00:26:14,917 - Grace, my favorite part of Christmas dinner. 617 00:26:14,917 --> 00:26:17,417 - Dear Lord, we thank you for this food. 618 00:26:17,417 --> 00:26:20,667 Often we forget about the unadulterated violence 619 00:26:20,667 --> 00:26:22,750 and corruption in the pig industry! 620 00:26:22,750 --> 00:26:25,125 - Oh, may I be excused? - During grace? 621 00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:26,625 - Just let him go, please. 622 00:26:26,625 --> 00:26:28,333 - You think you can come into this house once a year 623 00:26:28,333 --> 00:26:29,708 and tell me how to raise my kid? 624 00:26:29,708 --> 00:26:30,708 - He's my kid too! 625 00:26:30,708 --> 00:26:32,333 - Ah-ha! It is his! 626 00:26:32,333 --> 00:26:35,000 I just want my money back. I wanna invest in stocks. 627 00:26:35,750 --> 00:26:37,000 - What do you know about stocks? 628 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,792 - I know I need to put every dime I have into Titcoin. 629 00:26:39,792 --> 00:26:41,708 - [yelling] What the fuck is Titcoin? 630 00:26:41,708 --> 00:26:45,333 - Universal cryptocurrency used among strip clubs worldwide, 631 00:26:45,333 --> 00:26:47,792 and I'm getting in on the ground floor, baby! 632 00:26:47,792 --> 00:26:48,917 - For fuck's sake. 633 00:26:48,917 --> 00:26:50,917 - Andy, spit in this vial. 634 00:26:50,917 --> 00:26:52,667 I'm gonna take your ass to the Maury Show. 635 00:26:52,667 --> 00:26:54,708 - No. - Yes. 636 00:26:54,708 --> 00:26:58,208 [chanting "Maury"] 637 00:26:58,208 --> 00:27:01,667 - [yelling] Can't we have one Christmas where we don't mention Maury? 638 00:27:01,667 --> 00:27:02,500 - [yelling] No! 639 00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:03,542 - Is this still grace? 640 00:27:03,542 --> 00:27:04,958 ANDREW: May I please be excused? 641 00:27:04,958 --> 00:27:06,792 - You don't wanna spit in that thing, that's fine. 642 00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:09,292 Stab him in the leg. We bring his blood to Maury. 643 00:27:09,292 --> 00:27:10,708 Dakota, stab him. - No. 644 00:27:10,708 --> 00:27:12,208 [Andrew screaming] 645 00:27:12,208 --> 00:27:14,417 - Dakota, goddamn it! ANDREW: [in a high pitch] Oh, my God! 646 00:27:14,417 --> 00:27:16,417 - Stop it! Just stop it! 647 00:27:16,417 --> 00:27:18,417 I can't take it anymore! 648 00:27:18,417 --> 00:27:20,792 What kind of family is this? 649 00:27:20,792 --> 00:27:26,792 I mean, two dads competing against other? 650 00:27:26,792 --> 00:27:30,708 Force feeding a lactose-intolerant boy? 651 00:27:30,708 --> 00:27:35,500 And-- And-- And Maury? And Titcoin? 652 00:27:36,792 --> 00:27:42,042 Deidre, I love you, but this is not how people should act. 653 00:27:42,042 --> 00:27:46,500 Now let's all just remember why we are here. 654 00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:48,083 Family. 655 00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:51,083 ♪ rousing music playing ♪ 656 00:27:51,083 --> 00:27:52,958 - Shut the fuck up! - Get the fuck outta here! 657 00:27:52,958 --> 00:27:54,833 [overlapping shouting] - Family. 658 00:27:54,833 --> 00:27:56,417 - Get outta this fucking house! 659 00:27:56,417 --> 00:27:57,833 [shouting continues] [Rigo cackles] 660 00:27:57,833 --> 00:28:01,375 [all speaking indistinctly] 661 00:28:02,125 --> 00:28:05,750 - Andrew, you just made the love of my life leave! 662 00:28:05,750 --> 00:28:06,917 - I made him leave? 663 00:28:06,917 --> 00:28:09,000 - Are you happy? You ruined the holidays again. 664 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,667 - The world would've been a better place if you had never been born! 665 00:28:11,667 --> 00:28:13,208 RIGO: Amen, beautifully said. 666 00:28:13,208 --> 00:28:14,500 Now let's eat. 667 00:28:16,167 --> 00:28:19,000 SARAH'S DAD: I was thinking after dinner, we could all maybe pop into the hot tub. 668 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,125 SARAH: No one wants to go in the indoor tub with you. 669 00:28:21,125 --> 00:28:23,125 He makes everyone carpet dry. It's gross. 670 00:28:23,125 --> 00:28:25,625 SARAH'S DAD: I just want us to take it easy this year at Binge. 671 00:28:25,625 --> 00:28:28,083 I don't want us to be like the Smiths across the street, okay? 672 00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:32,875 Sarah, did you not just hear me? 673 00:28:35,083 --> 00:28:37,875 - Fourteen centuries of tradition! 674 00:28:37,875 --> 00:28:41,417 A priceless ring etched in lava! 675 00:28:41,417 --> 00:28:43,917 [Grandma Ray yells] 676 00:28:50,542 --> 00:28:54,708 - Did someone say ugly sweater party? 677 00:28:54,708 --> 00:28:57,000 - Hags, I got you that sweater for your birthday. 678 00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,750 It was not meant to be worn for ugly party purposes. 679 00:28:59,750 --> 00:29:01,833 - Oh! Girl, I know that. 680 00:29:01,833 --> 00:29:03,417 - Take it off. - What now? 681 00:29:03,417 --> 00:29:05,667 - Take it off if you think it's so ugly! 682 00:29:05,667 --> 00:29:07,042 - I-- I don't think I should. 683 00:29:07,042 --> 00:29:08,500 - My family's waiting! 684 00:29:08,500 --> 00:29:09,792 I'm sorry. HAGS: All right. 685 00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:12,250 [gasps] - Wow. 686 00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:13,125 SARAH: What? 687 00:29:14,042 --> 00:29:17,167 Put the sweater back on, Hags, and sit down. 688 00:29:17,167 --> 00:29:18,125 HAGS: Sorry, I'm tardy. 689 00:29:18,125 --> 00:29:20,833 Leather vest, it's just an inside joke we have. 690 00:29:20,833 --> 00:29:22,375 Isn't that right, honey? SARAH'S DAD: Oh, really? 691 00:29:22,375 --> 00:29:23,375 - [softly] Vest got stuck. 692 00:29:23,375 --> 00:29:24,458 - Why is that funny? 693 00:29:24,458 --> 00:29:28,000 - Oh, I don't think you'd find it funny, sir. 694 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,417 - I have a sense of humor. What's the joke? 695 00:29:30,417 --> 00:29:35,000 - Um, well, you know, so many animals had to die 696 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,083 in order to make something leather like this, 697 00:29:37,083 --> 00:29:39,417 and it's just so sad. 698 00:29:40,083 --> 00:29:41,917 SARAH'S DAD: Okay, sad is funny. 699 00:29:41,917 --> 00:29:43,667 I mean, structurally it works, 700 00:29:43,667 --> 00:29:47,250 but the punchline is ambiguous at the very best. 701 00:29:47,917 --> 00:29:49,708 Fern, Ron, do you find it funny? 702 00:29:51,417 --> 00:29:53,042 - Not funny. [kids laughing] 703 00:29:53,042 --> 00:29:54,875 - Well, okay, I see the kids get it. 704 00:29:54,875 --> 00:29:56,333 That must be a generational thing. 705 00:29:56,333 --> 00:29:59,042 - No, Hags, they're simply sensing the tension in the room 706 00:29:59,042 --> 00:30:00,375 and laughing out of discomfort. 707 00:30:02,042 --> 00:30:05,292 [Grandma Ray laughs, snores] 708 00:30:05,292 --> 00:30:07,042 FERN: Grandma's just sleepwalking. 709 00:30:07,042 --> 00:30:08,750 - I still don't know when that's happening. 710 00:30:08,750 --> 00:30:09,917 [Grandma Ray yelling] 711 00:30:09,917 --> 00:30:13,750 - Don't be scared, kids. She has a sonar now, remember? 712 00:30:13,750 --> 00:30:15,708 [Grandma Ray continues yelling] Just like the bats. 713 00:30:15,708 --> 00:30:17,042 - Just like the bats. 714 00:30:17,042 --> 00:30:18,125 [doorbell rings] 715 00:30:18,125 --> 00:30:22,458 - Ooh. Speaking of bat, I hope that's not Batman. 716 00:30:22,458 --> 00:30:24,917 [all laughing] 717 00:30:24,917 --> 00:30:29,167 - Now that's what a joke looks like. You can study from him. 718 00:30:29,167 --> 00:30:31,917 RON: So, Hags, circling back here. - Sir. 719 00:30:31,917 --> 00:30:37,667 - The joke was that many animals had to die to make that leather vest? 720 00:30:37,667 --> 00:30:39,500 [phone ringing] - Uh, sorry, just getting a-- 721 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,667 SARAH: That's inappropriate at the dinner table. 722 00:30:41,667 --> 00:30:43,625 Why don't you go outside and answer the phone? 723 00:30:44,750 --> 00:30:45,792 [Fern scoffs] 724 00:30:45,792 --> 00:30:47,000 - Andrew, bad timing, man. 725 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:48,500 I just put Sarah's ring under the tree and-- 726 00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:50,042 - Where are you, man? I need you. 727 00:30:50,042 --> 00:30:51,583 My whole family was yelling. 728 00:30:51,583 --> 00:30:53,542 There was this butter knife incident going on. 729 00:30:53,542 --> 00:30:56,417 - Andrew, I'm dealing with my own-- Shiiit. 730 00:30:56,417 --> 00:30:58,000 - Hags? Hags! 731 00:30:58,000 --> 00:30:59,417 [line disconnects] 732 00:31:00,708 --> 00:31:01,708 I have no one. 733 00:31:02,708 --> 00:31:05,708 [ship horn blares in distance] 734 00:31:07,375 --> 00:31:08,375 They were right. 735 00:31:09,375 --> 00:31:10,583 They were all right. 736 00:31:19,667 --> 00:31:25,000 [screaming] I wish I was never born! 737 00:31:30,125 --> 00:31:31,458 What the fuck is that? 738 00:31:32,292 --> 00:31:34,333 My God, that thing's moving at super speed. 739 00:31:35,333 --> 00:31:37,375 No, no. That's not from this world. 740 00:31:37,375 --> 00:31:38,500 That thing's haunted. 741 00:31:39,083 --> 00:31:40,792 Oh, my God, it's coming right at me! 742 00:31:40,792 --> 00:31:43,000 [breathes sharply] 743 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,833 Oh, come on! Come on! 744 00:31:44,833 --> 00:31:46,417 Do it, you son of a-- 745 00:31:46,417 --> 00:31:47,708 [talons slicing] 746 00:31:47,708 --> 00:31:51,458 ♪ operatic aria playing ♪ 747 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:57,417 HAGS: Grandma Ray, are you okay? 748 00:31:57,417 --> 00:31:59,958 Grandma, if you're sleeping, I-- I-- I really need you to wake up. 749 00:31:59,958 --> 00:32:01,208 - Ah! - Jesus! 750 00:32:01,208 --> 00:32:03,333 - Ah, this party's fuckin' dead. 751 00:32:03,333 --> 00:32:08,125 You should've seen the shit we were into back in the '60s, huh? 752 00:32:08,125 --> 00:32:11,250 The slop-house '60s, we called them. Ah. 753 00:32:11,250 --> 00:32:12,458 HAGS: I never heard anyone call them that. 754 00:32:12,458 --> 00:32:14,500 Hey, Grandma, you have a heart condition, all right? 755 00:32:14,500 --> 00:32:15,667 You can't be doing this. 756 00:32:15,667 --> 00:32:19,292 - Eh-- Eh-- Eh-- Eh! You gotta get in there. 757 00:32:19,292 --> 00:32:20,917 - Oh. No, no, no, no, no. 758 00:32:20,917 --> 00:32:22,667 Everybody's out there and I just can't, you know-- 759 00:32:22,667 --> 00:32:25,875 - Did everybody give you their wedding ring or did I, huh? 760 00:32:25,875 --> 00:32:27,792 Don't make me regret this, Hanes. 761 00:32:27,792 --> 00:32:29,750 - Hags. - You wish. 762 00:32:29,750 --> 00:32:31,625 I feel like I'm 76 again. 763 00:32:32,208 --> 00:32:35,417 Ah, the slop-house '70s, that's what they called 'em. 764 00:32:35,417 --> 00:32:40,500 Here, you better party with me or I'm gonna take my ring back, yeah? 765 00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:42,458 - Just a baby bump, okay? - Okay. 766 00:32:42,458 --> 00:32:43,667 - And then we go back inside. 767 00:32:43,667 --> 00:32:45,750 - Ooh-- Yeah, yeah. A big fat baby. 768 00:32:45,750 --> 00:32:47,375 - And then we go back inside, all right? 769 00:32:47,375 --> 00:32:48,750 - Big fat baby. - Okay. 770 00:32:48,750 --> 00:32:50,792 - Get in there. Don't be a pussy. 771 00:32:50,792 --> 00:32:52,208 [Hags snorts, coughs] 772 00:32:53,708 --> 00:32:55,125 - Wah! [laughs] 773 00:32:55,125 --> 00:32:59,083 - Hey, did I ever tell you the story about how I got my wedding ring? 774 00:32:59,083 --> 00:33:00,583 ♪ dramatic music playing ♪ 775 00:33:01,625 --> 00:33:05,333 [gasps and coughs] 776 00:33:06,167 --> 00:33:09,167 [cries out] 777 00:33:10,208 --> 00:33:13,208 [footsteps approaching] 778 00:33:13,208 --> 00:33:16,208 ♪ tense music playing ♪ 779 00:33:17,750 --> 00:33:18,750 MAN: Hey! - Aah! 780 00:33:18,750 --> 00:33:20,667 - Come with me if you wanna binge. 781 00:33:21,417 --> 00:33:23,708 [tea kettle whistling] 782 00:33:23,708 --> 00:33:25,583 - You got a nice place here, man. 783 00:33:25,583 --> 00:33:27,750 - Uh, yeah, it's been in my family for years. 784 00:33:27,750 --> 00:33:29,000 - No way. 785 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:30,750 MAN: Here you go. - Oh, no, no. 786 00:33:30,750 --> 00:33:33,583 - No, no. It's all legal tonight. Happy Bingemas! 787 00:33:33,583 --> 00:33:37,042 - [laughs] Happy Bingemas! Yeah. Oh, boy. 788 00:33:39,667 --> 00:33:40,667 Wow. 789 00:33:40,667 --> 00:33:41,917 - Whoa! 790 00:33:41,917 --> 00:33:44,000 - So... who are you, man? 791 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,000 - I'm Angel. 792 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:47,375 - Angel? Like-- Like, you're my angel? 793 00:33:47,375 --> 00:33:49,125 ANGEL: If that's what you wanna hear, kid. 794 00:33:49,125 --> 00:33:50,417 Now what's your problem? 795 00:33:50,417 --> 00:33:52,875 - Well, my problem is my problem can't get fixed. 796 00:33:52,875 --> 00:33:57,250 You know, I kinda ruined my family by being born. 797 00:33:57,250 --> 00:33:58,833 - You haven't ruined nothing. 798 00:33:58,833 --> 00:34:01,042 Family is just a four-letter word. 799 00:34:01,042 --> 00:34:02,042 - Yeah, you know I-- 800 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:04,000 Wait, that's wrong. 801 00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,125 Hold on. Yeah, that's not a four-letter word. 802 00:34:06,125 --> 00:34:10,083 - Hey, even a broken clock is right three times an hour. 803 00:34:10,833 --> 00:34:13,583 - No, that's-- that's not right either. That's-- Yeah, that's wrong. 804 00:34:13,583 --> 00:34:18,667 I mean, yo, my brain's kinda scrambled right now. 805 00:34:19,583 --> 00:34:20,833 What was in that pipe? 806 00:34:20,833 --> 00:34:24,042 - Every angel needs a little magic dust. 807 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,250 Angel dust, if you wish. 808 00:34:27,250 --> 00:34:29,250 - Is that what was coming outta Tinker Bell? 809 00:34:29,250 --> 00:34:32,125 - Hey! Bingo. [laughs] - Wow. 810 00:34:33,292 --> 00:34:36,125 - Never Never Land is a place in your mind! 811 00:34:36,125 --> 00:34:38,458 The whole thing is an homage to drugs. 812 00:34:38,458 --> 00:34:41,208 You have to learn to read between the lines, Andy. 813 00:34:41,208 --> 00:34:42,667 I learned that at MIT. 814 00:34:42,667 --> 00:34:45,958 - [coughs] No shit! You-- You went to MIT? 815 00:34:45,958 --> 00:34:48,458 - Yeah, Mental Institute of Texas. 816 00:34:49,292 --> 00:34:50,292 - Oh. 817 00:34:50,292 --> 00:34:51,875 - Spent about a year there. 818 00:34:51,875 --> 00:34:53,583 Decided it wasn't for me. 819 00:34:54,333 --> 00:34:56,042 But tonight, it's about you. 820 00:34:56,042 --> 00:35:00,125 We'll start by getting that knife out of your vastus lateralis. 821 00:35:00,125 --> 00:35:01,500 - Vastus whateralis? 822 00:35:01,500 --> 00:35:03,292 - It's the biggest part of your quadricep. 823 00:35:03,750 --> 00:35:05,000 Learned that in MED school. 824 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:06,500 - Wait, you went to MED school? 825 00:35:06,500 --> 00:35:08,208 - Mm, of course. 826 00:35:08,208 --> 00:35:11,792 Minneapolis Expert Detention school for criminals. 827 00:35:11,792 --> 00:35:12,833 - Oh. 828 00:35:12,833 --> 00:35:14,208 - Learned how to stab a sucker there. 829 00:35:14,208 --> 00:35:17,792 - Oh, whoa-whoa! Yo! - How's that? 830 00:35:17,792 --> 00:35:19,000 - That's bad. - Okay. 831 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,083 [flesh squelching] [Andrew screaming] 832 00:35:22,292 --> 00:35:25,167 The good news is we can get it out. 833 00:35:25,167 --> 00:35:26,250 ANDREW: Mm-hmm. 834 00:35:26,250 --> 00:35:28,875 - Bad news is it's so deep, 835 00:35:28,875 --> 00:35:30,875 we gotta push it through to the other side. 836 00:35:30,875 --> 00:35:33,167 - Push it through? What, are you crazy? No! 837 00:35:33,167 --> 00:35:34,500 - You got a better idea? 838 00:35:34,500 --> 00:35:35,500 You wanna just keep limping? 839 00:35:35,500 --> 00:35:38,625 - Aah! Fuck it! [groans] 840 00:35:38,625 --> 00:35:41,000 [knife slicing] [Andrew screaming] 841 00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:44,083 - Here, here, here. - [screams] Ooh! Oh, it's out! 842 00:35:44,083 --> 00:35:46,333 ANGEL: One more hit should get you to Never Land. 843 00:35:46,333 --> 00:35:49,333 ♪ soft whimsical music playing ♪ 844 00:35:54,042 --> 00:35:56,458 Feel that? Christmas magic! 845 00:35:57,708 --> 00:36:00,458 Now we can get to the root of your problem. 846 00:36:00,458 --> 00:36:03,708 I'm gonna show you why your family needs you 847 00:36:03,708 --> 00:36:05,708 a lot more than you'll ever know. 848 00:36:07,333 --> 00:36:08,500 - You can do that? 849 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,083 ANGEL: Hey, I'm an angel. Of course! 850 00:36:10,083 --> 00:36:12,167 Family problems are mostly mental. 851 00:36:12,875 --> 00:36:14,167 Learned that at Yale. 852 00:36:14,167 --> 00:36:17,125 - [laughs] Let me guess, that's some sort of rehab center, right? 853 00:36:17,125 --> 00:36:20,375 Yale, huh? A free clinic? [laughs] 854 00:36:20,375 --> 00:36:21,250 ANGEL: How dare you! 855 00:36:21,250 --> 00:36:24,833 You think a guy like me can't go to an Ivy League College? 856 00:36:25,667 --> 00:36:27,417 Hello? - No, no, I-- 857 00:36:27,417 --> 00:36:29,125 - You should be ashamed of yourself. 858 00:36:29,125 --> 00:36:30,375 HAGS: A one, two, three, four! 859 00:36:30,375 --> 00:36:33,542 [in triple speed] ♪ Silent night, holy night ♪ 860 00:36:33,542 --> 00:36:38,167 ♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪ 861 00:36:38,167 --> 00:36:40,000 Yeah! Okay, Grandma! 862 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,250 We talked about this. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 863 00:36:41,250 --> 00:36:43,250 - Keep the pace. You're dragging a little bit, all right? 864 00:36:43,250 --> 00:36:44,708 It's a medley! It's a medley! 865 00:36:44,708 --> 00:36:45,708 Kids, you ready? 866 00:36:45,708 --> 00:36:47,708 Jesus freaks, make some noise in the back! 867 00:36:47,708 --> 00:36:49,333 Here we go! Pitch pipe! 868 00:36:49,333 --> 00:36:52,083 - ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪ - ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪ 869 00:36:52,083 --> 00:36:55,500 One, a-two, a-one, two, three, four, five! 870 00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:57,667 [in triple speed] ♪ On the sixth day of Christmas My true love gave to me ♪ 871 00:36:57,667 --> 00:36:59,083 ♪ Six geese a-laying! Five geese a-laying! ♪ 872 00:36:59,083 --> 00:37:01,583 ♪ Four geese a-laying! Three geese a-laying! ♪ 873 00:37:01,583 --> 00:37:04,458 ♪ And a Corvette in a palm tree, yeah! ♪ 874 00:37:04,458 --> 00:37:07,750 Yes! Yes! - Ooh! Yeah! 875 00:37:07,750 --> 00:37:08,833 - I love that, Grandma. 876 00:37:08,833 --> 00:37:10,083 - Hags, did you give her something? 877 00:37:10,083 --> 00:37:11,417 - What? No, of course not! 878 00:37:11,417 --> 00:37:12,250 - He made me do it! 879 00:37:12,250 --> 00:37:14,375 - Oh, so you just gonna lie on Jesus' birthday? 880 00:37:14,375 --> 00:37:16,333 - Is this another one of your world-famous jokes, 881 00:37:16,333 --> 00:37:17,500 you piece of shit? 882 00:37:17,500 --> 00:37:19,083 - No, it ain't! Grandma, tell him what happened! 883 00:37:19,083 --> 00:37:20,583 - He told me it was like the movie Speed! 884 00:37:20,583 --> 00:37:23,208 If I didn't do all these drugs, I would explode! 885 00:37:23,208 --> 00:37:24,208 - That's not how this went down. 886 00:37:24,208 --> 00:37:26,833 - Stop trying to speed my grandma. You're gonna fucking kill her. 887 00:37:26,833 --> 00:37:28,708 - This is not what you think it is, okay? 888 00:37:28,708 --> 00:37:30,083 First of all, your grandmom's a liar. 889 00:37:30,083 --> 00:37:31,167 Third of all-- 890 00:37:31,833 --> 00:37:34,667 Wait, wait. What happened to the-- What happened to the presents? 891 00:37:34,667 --> 00:37:36,125 ♪ unsettling music playing ♪ 892 00:37:36,125 --> 00:37:37,417 SARAH: Who gives a fuck about presents-- 893 00:37:37,417 --> 00:37:39,625 - No, no, there was Christmas presents under the tree. 894 00:37:39,625 --> 00:37:40,625 What happened to 'em? 895 00:37:40,625 --> 00:37:43,083 SARAH'S DAD: This isn't the time to be thinking about presents. 896 00:37:43,083 --> 00:37:44,083 - Where'd they go? 897 00:37:44,083 --> 00:37:45,583 - Haven't you heard a word that I've said? 898 00:37:45,583 --> 00:37:47,292 For us, the gift is family. 899 00:37:47,292 --> 00:37:50,083 Every year, we give all of our gifts to the orphanage. 900 00:37:50,083 --> 00:37:52,917 It's the least we can give to them after all they've given to us. 901 00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:55,750 - Okay. Sarah, honey, I gotta go. 902 00:37:55,750 --> 00:37:56,875 - What? - But I'll be right back. 903 00:37:56,875 --> 00:37:58,083 - Where the hell are you going? 904 00:37:58,083 --> 00:38:01,583 - I told Andrew that I would stop by and see him and-- and see his family. 905 00:38:01,583 --> 00:38:02,583 I promised him I'll be there. 906 00:38:02,583 --> 00:38:04,667 - You hate Andrew's family. - Kind of, yes, honey. 907 00:38:04,667 --> 00:38:06,292 But I really need to go. - On Christmas Eve? 908 00:38:06,292 --> 00:38:07,333 - I need you to trust me. 909 00:38:07,833 --> 00:38:11,167 This will all make sense in a little bit. I love you. 910 00:38:12,375 --> 00:38:14,458 I'll see you in a minute. Thank you. 911 00:38:18,500 --> 00:38:20,958 - Are you looking for... this? 912 00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:24,917 - No! Why would I be looking for a VHS copy of Con Air? 913 00:38:24,917 --> 00:38:25,833 - What? 914 00:38:25,833 --> 00:38:27,667 We watched it every Christmas, remember? 915 00:38:27,667 --> 00:38:29,583 This is where I learned to steal a cop car. 916 00:38:29,583 --> 00:38:31,208 - Oh, that's super cool, Uncle Kris. 917 00:38:31,208 --> 00:38:33,958 But I really need to find this stupid fucking Christmas Owl 918 00:38:33,958 --> 00:38:35,833 or my mom will actually murder me. 919 00:38:35,833 --> 00:38:39,292 - Oh, I was thinking. We should go to the Winter Wonderland. 920 00:38:39,292 --> 00:38:40,625 - That's a really great idea, 921 00:38:40,625 --> 00:38:43,208 but it actually isn't because you shouldn't be in public. 922 00:38:43,208 --> 00:38:44,292 The cops are gonna see you. 923 00:38:44,708 --> 00:38:46,458 - That's the beauty of tonight. 924 00:38:46,458 --> 00:38:49,417 Because everyone's dressed like me, so I'll blend right in. 925 00:38:51,458 --> 00:38:54,000 Hey, Kimmi, come here, will ya? Got you something. 926 00:38:54,542 --> 00:38:57,667 - Oh, Uncle Kris. I didn't really get you anything. 927 00:38:58,208 --> 00:38:59,250 - Merry Christmas. 928 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,833 I had it taped to the wall of my cell right next to my bed, 929 00:39:03,333 --> 00:39:07,208 and, um, I was remembering when your dad passed away 930 00:39:07,208 --> 00:39:08,833 how hard it was on the family. 931 00:39:09,333 --> 00:39:10,625 And how your mom, 932 00:39:10,625 --> 00:39:12,875 you know, she just kind of threw herself into her work 933 00:39:12,875 --> 00:39:16,000 and kind of at the expense of your upbringing. 934 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:17,833 So I just-- I don't know, 935 00:39:17,833 --> 00:39:21,333 I always kind of saw myself as kind of a de facto dad, 936 00:39:21,333 --> 00:39:24,917 you know, even though I, you know, I'm not the normal uncle or whatever. 937 00:39:24,917 --> 00:39:28,625 But I just wanted you to know that I love you very much. 938 00:39:28,625 --> 00:39:31,250 And I'm really happy to be with you on Christmas. 939 00:39:32,333 --> 00:39:33,458 And I, you know, I just wish 940 00:39:33,458 --> 00:39:35,958 everything could go back to the way it used to be, you know? 941 00:39:36,625 --> 00:39:39,458 - I don't think that's possible, Uncle Kris. 942 00:39:39,458 --> 00:39:41,792 - No, no, no. It is! It is. I'm telling you! 943 00:39:41,792 --> 00:39:45,208 You know, everything's gonna be totally normal from here on out. 944 00:39:45,208 --> 00:39:47,875 [doorbell rings] Fuck! That's the cops. It's the cops. 945 00:39:47,875 --> 00:39:49,958 Okay. You haven't seen me. You haven't seen me at all-- 946 00:39:49,958 --> 00:39:53,167 Oh, no. You've seen me, but I was far away. Just say that. 947 00:39:54,750 --> 00:39:55,750 - Okay. 948 00:39:57,125 --> 00:40:00,125 - That motherfucker is cheating on me! I know it! 949 00:40:00,125 --> 00:40:02,625 - Who, Hags? No. [scoffs] - Obviously! 950 00:40:02,625 --> 00:40:06,375 - He wouldn't cheat on you. He is so, so, so scared of you, and-- 951 00:40:06,375 --> 00:40:09,542 - Kimmi, is that your weird uncle hiding behind the Christmas tree? 952 00:40:09,542 --> 00:40:11,458 - Oh, hey! Yeah. 953 00:40:11,458 --> 00:40:13,625 Merry Christmas. You look good, look festive. 954 00:40:13,625 --> 00:40:15,833 You seem happy. How's your dad? 955 00:40:15,833 --> 00:40:18,542 - Uh, you know, staying out of jail. 956 00:40:18,542 --> 00:40:21,125 - No way! It's hard to do. Trust me. [chuckles] 957 00:40:21,125 --> 00:40:23,917 So anyway, I'm gonna go put some stuff on the sleigh. 958 00:40:23,917 --> 00:40:25,667 Christmas is right around the corner! 959 00:40:26,333 --> 00:40:30,333 Uh, anyway, you guys go back to your girl problem. [laughs] 960 00:40:30,917 --> 00:40:33,292 Let me just say from the bottom of my heart, Sarah, 961 00:40:33,292 --> 00:40:35,833 I'm so glad you're not the DEA. Seriously. 962 00:40:35,833 --> 00:40:37,208 - Right. Me too. - Yeah. 963 00:40:37,833 --> 00:40:39,292 UNCLE KRIS: Ho-ho-ho-ho! 964 00:40:40,250 --> 00:40:42,917 - Yeah, he used to dress like Santa every Christmas, 965 00:40:42,917 --> 00:40:45,917 but somewhere down the road, it became full-time. 966 00:40:45,917 --> 00:40:47,708 SARAH: Some people are so crazy. 967 00:40:47,708 --> 00:40:50,750 Anyway, I have a tracker on Hags' phone and iPad. 968 00:40:50,750 --> 00:40:53,708 I pinged all the cell towers at every location he's been to today, 969 00:40:53,708 --> 00:40:55,708 cross-referenced it with the location of his laptop, 970 00:40:55,708 --> 00:40:56,750 which I also have bugged, 971 00:40:56,750 --> 00:40:59,333 so triangulation should be fairly straightforward. 972 00:40:59,833 --> 00:41:01,542 We need to follow him and see where he's going. 973 00:41:01,542 --> 00:41:03,833 KIMMI: Yeah, that's totally normal and healthy 974 00:41:03,833 --> 00:41:06,375 and not at all psychotic, but, um, I can't. 975 00:41:06,375 --> 00:41:08,625 Uh, I have to be at Winter Wonderland at 09:00, 976 00:41:08,625 --> 00:41:11,042 and I still need to find this stupid fucking Christmas Owl. 977 00:41:11,042 --> 00:41:12,208 Otherwise, my mom-- - Oh, my God! 978 00:41:12,208 --> 00:41:14,083 There has to be something in here that'll loosen you up. 979 00:41:14,083 --> 00:41:16,500 - I don't need to be loosened! I'm not binging! 980 00:41:16,500 --> 00:41:19,750 We actually are a very upstanding family, okay? 981 00:41:19,750 --> 00:41:25,375 - Okay! Ladies, ladies. Hey, everything's totally fine. 982 00:41:25,375 --> 00:41:27,708 You know what? It's more than fine. Merry Christmas! 983 00:41:27,708 --> 00:41:31,125 It's just-- The neighbors, I think, recognized me and called the cops 984 00:41:31,125 --> 00:41:32,750 while I was decorating my sleigh. 985 00:41:32,750 --> 00:41:34,208 - The squad car he stole. 986 00:41:34,208 --> 00:41:35,083 - Right. 987 00:41:35,083 --> 00:41:36,708 - Look, again, everything's totally fine. 988 00:41:36,708 --> 00:41:39,458 We just probably wanna leave within the next two or three minutes, 989 00:41:39,458 --> 00:41:42,583 or there's gonna be a lot of angry banter over a megaphone 990 00:41:42,583 --> 00:41:45,917 and, uh, I dunno, possible gunfire. Maybe. I don't know. 991 00:41:45,917 --> 00:41:47,250 - Somebody kill me. 992 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:50,333 HAGS: Andrew? ANDREW: [over phone] Hello? 993 00:41:50,333 --> 00:41:52,333 - Andrew, hey! Hey, okay, listen. 994 00:41:52,333 --> 00:41:54,708 I'm outside of the old high school, and it's fucking freezing out here. 995 00:41:54,708 --> 00:41:55,458 Where are you? 996 00:41:55,458 --> 00:41:57,750 ANDREW: [over phone] Just kidding. This is a voice mail. Beep. 997 00:41:57,750 --> 00:41:58,792 - Damn! 998 00:41:58,792 --> 00:42:00,500 ANDREW: [over phone] Just kidding. I'm still here. Go on. 999 00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:01,708 - Oh, shit. Okay, cool. 1000 00:42:01,708 --> 00:42:04,250 Listen, I-- I lost Sarah's grandma's ring that was like-- 1001 00:42:04,250 --> 00:42:05,083 ANDREW: [over phone] Uh-huh. 1002 00:42:05,083 --> 00:42:06,625 - I was in a hot tub with her dad. ANDREW: [over phone] Yeah? 1003 00:42:06,625 --> 00:42:07,792 - It's crazy. Can you come pick me up? 1004 00:42:07,792 --> 00:42:08,792 ANDREW: [over phone] That's so interesting. 1005 00:42:08,792 --> 00:42:10,333 I'd love to hear more about this story. 1006 00:42:10,333 --> 00:42:12,208 - Yeah, okay, so I texted somebody for a ride, 1007 00:42:12,208 --> 00:42:13,333 but they haven't gotten back to me yet. 1008 00:42:13,333 --> 00:42:15,292 And-- And I'm-- I'm out here in the cold. ANDREW: [over phone] Yeah? 1009 00:42:15,292 --> 00:42:16,417 - The ring's in the orphanage. ANDREW: [over phone] Uh-huh. 1010 00:42:16,417 --> 00:42:19,208 - I just need somebody to come get me 'cause I'm high on cocaine. 1011 00:42:19,208 --> 00:42:21,833 I'm warm on my inside and cold in my toes and fingers! 1012 00:42:21,833 --> 00:42:23,667 ANDREW: [over phone] That's crazy. - So please, can you come get me? 1013 00:42:23,667 --> 00:42:25,792 ANDREW: [over phone] Only thing is I'm not here. [laughs] 1014 00:42:25,792 --> 00:42:26,667 [voice mail beeps] 1015 00:42:26,667 --> 00:42:28,750 - Oh, you-- you sick, twisted motherfucker, man! 1016 00:42:28,750 --> 00:42:30,292 I told you to stop doing this shit! 1017 00:42:30,292 --> 00:42:33,250 [vehicle approaching] Hey, hey! Right here! 1018 00:42:34,208 --> 00:42:35,583 Right here! 1019 00:42:35,583 --> 00:42:36,792 [car stops] 1020 00:42:37,500 --> 00:42:38,750 Thank God. 1021 00:42:38,750 --> 00:42:41,208 Okay, if I pull this off, 1022 00:42:41,208 --> 00:42:43,583 I promise, we ain't got no more problems, okay? 1023 00:42:43,583 --> 00:42:46,000 You and me, forever. Just-- Thank you. 1024 00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:46,875 Hey! 1025 00:42:49,250 --> 00:42:50,375 [knocks on window] 1026 00:42:51,958 --> 00:42:55,000 ♪ Pimp my ride ♪ 1027 00:42:55,708 --> 00:42:56,708 - Hey. 1028 00:42:56,708 --> 00:42:59,542 Did somebody say Pimp My Ride three times in the mirror? 1029 00:42:59,542 --> 00:43:01,000 [laughs] HAGS: Pompano Mike! 1030 00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:02,750 First of all, Merry Christmas. POMPANO MIKE: Same. 1031 00:43:02,750 --> 00:43:05,625 - Second of all, is there any way you can gimme a ride? 1032 00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:07,417 - Let's make some donuts, motherfucker. Get in! 1033 00:43:07,417 --> 00:43:08,292 - Okay! POMPANO MIKE: Okay! 1034 00:43:08,292 --> 00:43:10,583 ♪ Pimp my ride ♪ 1035 00:43:12,500 --> 00:43:15,208 - All right. To the orphanage we go. 1036 00:43:15,208 --> 00:43:17,083 - I didn't know there was gonna be another person in here. 1037 00:43:17,083 --> 00:43:22,542 - Not just a person, a force of friggin' nature. 1038 00:43:22,542 --> 00:43:26,000 - Ooo-kay. I'm Delray Donna. - I'm Hags. 1039 00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:29,333 - I'm-- Pompano over here-- his life partner and spiritual advisor. 1040 00:43:29,333 --> 00:43:30,167 - Yeah. 1041 00:43:30,167 --> 00:43:31,458 - Are you from Delray? 1042 00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:36,000 - [laughs] No, no, no! No, no way, dude! 1043 00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,292 I'm just living in that south Florida state of mind. 1044 00:43:38,292 --> 00:43:39,875 - That's right, baby. HAGS: Should've known. 1045 00:43:39,875 --> 00:43:42,917 - Hey, it is so darn good to see you! - Good to see you. 1046 00:43:42,917 --> 00:43:45,708 - What's going on? What's new? You still training for the Olympics? 1047 00:43:45,708 --> 00:43:47,875 - I heard you do long put. - No! 1048 00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:49,000 - Long jumps? 1049 00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,125 - Never did an Olympic thing in my life. - No? 1050 00:43:51,125 --> 00:43:54,042 - But I am about to make the biggest decision of my life. 1051 00:43:54,042 --> 00:43:56,625 - Ooh. - Oh. Whether or not to start training for the Olympics? 1052 00:43:56,625 --> 00:43:57,667 - Ooh. 1053 00:43:57,667 --> 00:44:00,750 - No. I'm proposing to my girlfriend, Sarah. 1054 00:44:00,750 --> 00:44:02,167 - Oh, my God! - Ah. 1055 00:44:02,167 --> 00:44:04,167 POMPANO MIKE: That is awesome! - That is beautiful. 1056 00:44:04,167 --> 00:44:07,000 - Can I get a little peek of that ring? - I'd love to see that charmer. 1057 00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:10,375 - I accidentally donated the ring to the orphanage, so. 1058 00:44:10,375 --> 00:44:12,417 - Oh, tale as old as time. - I gotta go get it. 1059 00:44:12,417 --> 00:44:14,542 DELRAY DONNA: Darn. - Oh, no! 1060 00:44:14,542 --> 00:44:15,958 - Can you keep your eyes on the road? 1061 00:44:15,958 --> 00:44:17,417 [Delray Donna and Pompano Mike laughing] 1062 00:44:17,417 --> 00:44:19,500 - Where we're going, there are no roads. 1063 00:44:19,500 --> 00:44:22,208 - When you live in your car, you don't work a day in your life. 1064 00:44:22,208 --> 00:44:23,667 POMPANO MIKE: Oh, amen. 1065 00:44:23,667 --> 00:44:25,958 Baby, we're being rude and also impolite. 1066 00:44:25,958 --> 00:44:29,583 It's Hanukkah here in Binge Town, and we should give him a Mazel-Tug. 1067 00:44:29,583 --> 00:44:30,583 - Oh, wow! POMPANO MIKE: Yes. 1068 00:44:30,583 --> 00:44:31,833 - Here you go. Choo-choo, baby. 1069 00:44:31,833 --> 00:44:35,208 - Here's to merriment, here's to friendship, 1070 00:44:35,208 --> 00:44:36,500 to proposals, 1071 00:44:36,500 --> 00:44:39,750 and most of all, suck it down pipe! 1072 00:44:39,750 --> 00:44:41,917 - Suck it down pipe. HAGS: No, thank you, guys. 1073 00:44:41,917 --> 00:44:44,167 I appreciate it, though. - Yeah, ooh, we understand. 1074 00:44:44,167 --> 00:44:45,292 - We're on the same wavelength. 1075 00:44:45,292 --> 00:44:46,958 - Totally get it. We get it. - Thank you. 1076 00:44:46,958 --> 00:44:49,042 - Pipe, suck it, down it. 1077 00:44:49,042 --> 00:44:50,833 - Take the pipe. Suck it down. 1078 00:44:50,833 --> 00:44:52,583 - Suck-a that pipe suck stick, Piper. 1079 00:44:52,583 --> 00:44:55,083 - ♪ Suck be a piper tonight ♪ 1080 00:44:55,083 --> 00:44:56,958 - ♪ Waiting for some pipe ♪ 1081 00:44:56,958 --> 00:45:00,667 - Everybody says the secret to suck-cess is-- is opening yourself to all the... 1082 00:45:00,667 --> 00:45:01,792 DELRAY DONNA AND POMPANO MIKE: Pipeabilities. 1083 00:45:01,792 --> 00:45:02,917 - Okay. Can you stop? 1084 00:45:02,917 --> 00:45:04,583 DELRAY DONNA AND POMPANO MIKE: ♪ How much pipe could a pipe suck suck ♪ 1085 00:45:04,583 --> 00:45:06,125 ♪ If a pipe suck could suck pipe ♪ 1086 00:45:06,125 --> 00:45:09,167 - Okay, okay. If I smoke it, will you please stop making puns? 1087 00:45:09,167 --> 00:45:10,167 I'm begging you. 1088 00:45:13,417 --> 00:45:14,667 DELRAY DONNA AND POMPANO MIKE: Maybe. 1089 00:45:15,417 --> 00:45:17,542 - Okay. - All right! 1090 00:45:17,542 --> 00:45:19,625 - All right! There he goes. POMPANO MIKE: Yeah. 1091 00:45:19,625 --> 00:45:21,833 - That's the beautiful power of peer pressure. 1092 00:45:21,833 --> 00:45:24,375 - Hey, have you ever seen the feature film length feature 1093 00:45:24,375 --> 00:45:25,792 Honey, I Sucked the Pipe? 1094 00:45:27,125 --> 00:45:28,417 - So this is what again? 1095 00:45:28,417 --> 00:45:29,750 - That one's got a little Crunch in it. 1096 00:45:30,625 --> 00:45:31,750 - What's Crunch? 1097 00:45:31,750 --> 00:45:33,583 - Yeah. Little Corgi's Gone Wild. 1098 00:45:33,583 --> 00:45:35,458 - This one's Medulla All-Blunt-Gatta. 1099 00:45:35,458 --> 00:45:37,083 Christopher Mintz Plasse. 1100 00:45:37,083 --> 00:45:37,917 - Greek Lettuce. 1101 00:45:37,917 --> 00:45:39,500 - The bassist from Smash Mouth. 1102 00:45:39,500 --> 00:45:40,542 - That one's the Three Wood. 1103 00:45:40,542 --> 00:45:41,333 - Sneeze! 1104 00:45:41,333 --> 00:45:44,417 - The tiny thing they put in a pizza box to keep it from flattening. 1105 00:45:44,417 --> 00:45:45,583 - You got a little bit of Baby Gerkin there. 1106 00:45:45,583 --> 00:45:48,708 POMPANO MIKE: Greenpeace, Cub Scout, Yellow Belly, Wet Willy, Circuit City. 1107 00:45:48,708 --> 00:45:51,333 - Guys, I'm smoking it! Can you just stop speaking? 1108 00:45:51,333 --> 00:45:54,417 - Well, you better crank that suck pipe 'cause we're already at the orphanage. 1109 00:45:54,417 --> 00:45:55,708 DELRAY DONNA: Ooh. [Hags coughing] 1110 00:45:55,708 --> 00:45:57,792 POMPANO MIKE: Oh, did I say that last one was Circuit City? 1111 00:45:57,792 --> 00:45:59,958 I actually think it's Mambo Number 6. 1112 00:45:59,958 --> 00:46:03,000 ♪ mysterious music playing ♪ 1113 00:46:05,958 --> 00:46:07,417 ANDREW: What the fuck is this? 1114 00:46:07,417 --> 00:46:09,250 I would never put up these decorations. 1115 00:46:09,250 --> 00:46:13,542 - Andy, you don't exist in this universe. 1116 00:46:13,542 --> 00:46:14,667 Do you understand? 1117 00:46:14,667 --> 00:46:17,917 This is what it would be like if you were never born. 1118 00:46:17,917 --> 00:46:19,250 - Oh. - Come on. 1119 00:46:19,750 --> 00:46:23,292 - ♪ My present to you ♪ [all clapping] 1120 00:46:23,292 --> 00:46:27,458 - Oh, golly, Mother. This is fantastic! 1121 00:46:27,458 --> 00:46:30,958 [continues singing] 1122 00:46:30,958 --> 00:46:32,000 [laughing] 1123 00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:33,542 - You've certainly outdone yourself. 1124 00:46:34,833 --> 00:46:37,208 - Before we eat, I'd like to say grace. 1125 00:46:37,208 --> 00:46:38,792 - Yes! - Grace. 1126 00:46:38,792 --> 00:46:39,792 - Here we go. 1127 00:46:40,458 --> 00:46:44,208 DEIDRE: Dear heavenly Lord, we thank you for this delicious meal 1128 00:46:44,208 --> 00:46:46,667 and for all of the beautiful blessings that surround us. 1129 00:46:47,417 --> 00:46:50,917 This is a time of self-reflection and redemption. 1130 00:46:50,917 --> 00:46:55,125 All of our past misdeeds can be undone with love, 1131 00:46:55,750 --> 00:46:59,042 and, of course, the perfect family. [Rigo mouthing "Family"] 1132 00:46:59,042 --> 00:47:00,417 - Amen. [laughs] - Amen. 1133 00:47:00,417 --> 00:47:01,750 - This is terrifying. 1134 00:47:01,750 --> 00:47:05,250 - When you have a perfect son, there is no need to make another. 1135 00:47:05,250 --> 00:47:07,792 - Oh, I'm so glad it was only the three of us growing up. 1136 00:47:07,792 --> 00:47:09,458 - I know! 1137 00:47:09,458 --> 00:47:13,125 [clinks on glass] - I was going to wait till Christmas morning to tell you guys. 1138 00:47:13,125 --> 00:47:17,458 I brilliantly decided to invest in Titcoin. 1139 00:47:17,458 --> 00:47:19,458 - Oh, how exotic! 1140 00:47:19,458 --> 00:47:22,667 - And it paid out big, real big. 1141 00:47:22,667 --> 00:47:25,167 $40 million! 1142 00:47:25,167 --> 00:47:26,792 DAKOTA: Rigo! 1143 00:47:26,792 --> 00:47:29,708 - [laughs] What do you guys want? Do you want the moon? 1144 00:47:29,708 --> 00:47:32,542 Just say it, and I'll buy it for you with Titcoin! 1145 00:47:32,542 --> 00:47:36,583 - This is truly the merriest Christmas of all. 1146 00:47:36,583 --> 00:47:38,250 - My work here is done. 1147 00:47:38,250 --> 00:47:39,875 - Wha-- What are you talking about your work here is done? 1148 00:47:39,875 --> 00:47:41,000 You haven't done anything for me! 1149 00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:43,292 - It's a Christmas miracle! Look it. 1150 00:47:43,917 --> 00:47:45,542 Family. Happy. Joyous. 1151 00:47:45,958 --> 00:47:48,250 I left my house when I was seven, 1152 00:47:48,250 --> 00:47:53,750 and the only thing I miss is my mother's golden brown chicken wings. 1153 00:47:53,750 --> 00:47:57,125 Boy, and your mother must be one hell of a cook. 1154 00:47:57,125 --> 00:47:58,208 - No, no, she isn't. 1155 00:47:58,208 --> 00:48:00,167 In fact, she burns everything she touches. 1156 00:48:00,167 --> 00:48:02,958 And, hey, isn't this supposed to be going the other way around, man? 1157 00:48:02,958 --> 00:48:06,333 Isn't the whole point of this fantasy to prove that things are much worse 1158 00:48:06,333 --> 00:48:08,917 with me not around? [Angel snoring] 1159 00:48:08,917 --> 00:48:10,708 ANDREW: Angel. Angel? 1160 00:48:11,208 --> 00:48:12,208 Angel? 1161 00:48:12,208 --> 00:48:13,917 - Hey, who the fuck are you? 1162 00:48:13,917 --> 00:48:16,542 - I-- I'm Andrew. I met you under the bridge. 1163 00:48:16,542 --> 00:48:18,583 - Under the bridge? That don't sound like me, homes. 1164 00:48:18,583 --> 00:48:19,792 - You took me to your tent, man! 1165 00:48:19,792 --> 00:48:21,417 You said it was in your family for generations! 1166 00:48:22,083 --> 00:48:23,625 - Oh, wait. I remember, yeah! 1167 00:48:23,625 --> 00:48:25,750 Chicken wings. My mother's chicken wings-- 1168 00:48:25,750 --> 00:48:27,708 - No, no, no. You already told me that. You told me that already. 1169 00:48:27,708 --> 00:48:28,833 - Did I fix your life? 1170 00:48:28,833 --> 00:48:29,833 - No, not at all. 1171 00:48:29,833 --> 00:48:32,250 RIGO: Eskimo kisses! [Deidre squealing] 1172 00:48:32,250 --> 00:48:34,458 - Oh, my God, this isn't right. I can't look at this. 1173 00:48:34,458 --> 00:48:37,167 - You gotta lose your attitude, homes. It sucks! 1174 00:48:37,917 --> 00:48:39,167 All right, here we go. 1175 00:48:40,125 --> 00:48:42,708 NEWS ANCHOR: Winter Wonderland has just opened its doors. 1176 00:48:42,708 --> 00:48:44,875 And I have to say, the mood here is slightly strange 1177 00:48:44,875 --> 00:48:48,042 as The Binge has brought in a different class of people. 1178 00:48:48,042 --> 00:48:49,833 Uh, sir, what brings you to Winter Wonderland? 1179 00:48:49,833 --> 00:48:53,708 - Hey, we came here to party and eat some fucking ass, yo! 1180 00:48:53,708 --> 00:48:55,333 [group cheering] 1181 00:48:55,333 --> 00:48:57,125 - Now, when you say eat ass, 1182 00:48:57,125 --> 00:49:00,583 uh, is that metaphorically, or are you actually going to perform a sex act? 1183 00:49:01,750 --> 00:49:05,958 - I, metaphorically, am gonna eat some fucking ass, literally, dude! 1184 00:49:05,958 --> 00:49:08,000 [group cheering] 1185 00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:09,875 - While confusing, I think I get your point. 1186 00:49:09,875 --> 00:49:12,042 So inside, there are families gathering, 1187 00:49:12,042 --> 00:49:13,708 children are having a great time. 1188 00:49:13,708 --> 00:49:16,083 Now, sir, it seems like you have a group of friends here. 1189 00:49:16,083 --> 00:49:17,000 Are you expecting anymore? 1190 00:49:17,500 --> 00:49:18,500 - Oh, hell yeah. 1191 00:49:18,500 --> 00:49:19,750 The Bingers are coming, man. 1192 00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:21,750 We're taking over, all right? - Okay. 1193 00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:24,583 - We are gonna turn Winter Wonderland 1194 00:49:24,583 --> 00:49:26,083 into Binger... 1195 00:49:27,292 --> 00:49:29,083 Fingerland, dude! 1196 00:49:29,083 --> 00:49:30,333 [group laughing, cheering] 1197 00:49:30,333 --> 00:49:34,667 - But, uh, while I don't agree that that pun was as strong as it could be, 1198 00:49:34,667 --> 00:49:36,000 I do agree with the sentiment. 1199 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,500 Uh, the Bingers are coming. 1200 00:49:38,500 --> 00:49:40,458 [group cheering] 1201 00:49:40,458 --> 00:49:42,625 ♪ "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing ♪ 1202 00:49:45,667 --> 00:49:48,000 - Enjoy. Vote for Mayor Spengler. 1203 00:49:48,792 --> 00:49:50,583 - I'm allergic to nuts. 1204 00:49:50,583 --> 00:49:53,042 - Well, what did you think was going to happen at the nutcracker station? 1205 00:49:53,042 --> 00:49:54,917 I have a secret for you, okay? 1206 00:49:54,917 --> 00:49:57,917 Complaining makes Santa very, very angry. 1207 00:49:58,417 --> 00:49:59,542 But I'm okay with it. 1208 00:49:59,542 --> 00:50:02,458 [laughs] There you go. Merry Christmas! 1209 00:50:02,458 --> 00:50:04,958 - Life's short. You gotta make sure you live it, all right? 1210 00:50:04,958 --> 00:50:07,417 Eleven months out of the year, I'm at a Scion dealership. 1211 00:50:07,417 --> 00:50:09,417 Yeah, I, uh, see, you think this is... 1212 00:50:09,417 --> 00:50:10,417 It's hot under here. 1213 00:50:11,625 --> 00:50:13,250 One sec. Don't ever do this. 1214 00:50:13,250 --> 00:50:15,333 Now everybody has a friggin' podcast nowadays. 1215 00:50:15,333 --> 00:50:18,417 How long can you talk about presents and good kids and stuff like that? 1216 00:50:18,417 --> 00:50:20,333 Are you good? You look like my first wife. 1217 00:50:20,333 --> 00:50:21,958 You're just staring through my brain. 1218 00:50:21,958 --> 00:50:23,542 - Excuse me, sweet angel! 1219 00:50:23,542 --> 00:50:26,958 Hey! There is no binging when you're Santa Claus! 1220 00:50:26,958 --> 00:50:29,167 - [laughs] Looks like there is. 1221 00:50:29,167 --> 00:50:30,333 - Out! Get outta here! 1222 00:50:30,333 --> 00:50:31,667 Just get out. Get outta here right now. 1223 00:50:31,667 --> 00:50:33,750 - [burps] Wait. You want me to leave? 1224 00:50:34,542 --> 00:50:37,042 - Well, this ain't Trivial Pursuit, 1225 00:50:37,042 --> 00:50:39,000 so I wouldn't take the Risk. 1226 00:50:39,500 --> 00:50:40,583 - Hmm? - Mm. 1227 00:50:41,750 --> 00:50:42,750 - What? 1228 00:50:43,292 --> 00:50:44,750 - Like the board games! 1229 00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:47,458 - I know what you mean, but why would you say that to me? 1230 00:50:47,458 --> 00:50:49,458 [kids laughing] 1231 00:50:50,250 --> 00:50:51,542 - I don't even know where you get a gun. 1232 00:50:51,542 --> 00:50:53,458 - Get the fuck outta here! Go! 1233 00:50:53,458 --> 00:50:54,708 - All right. 1234 00:50:54,708 --> 00:50:56,333 MAYOR SPENGLER: Search that bag! GUARD: All right. 1235 00:50:56,333 --> 00:50:57,417 - My phone, Larry! 1236 00:50:57,417 --> 00:50:58,750 God damn it, Santa! 1237 00:50:58,750 --> 00:51:00,042 SANTA: Here, little girl. You can have my bell. 1238 00:51:00,458 --> 00:51:03,083 MAYOR SPENGLER: Hi. Could you eat your ice cream while you're not staring at me? 1239 00:51:03,083 --> 00:51:04,958 Thank you so much! Merry Christmas! 1240 00:51:04,958 --> 00:51:06,958 Hey, Four Eyes! Take your glasses off! 1241 00:51:06,958 --> 00:51:08,292 Okay, now there's nothing to see. 1242 00:51:08,292 --> 00:51:09,458 G-G-G-Go! 1243 00:51:09,458 --> 00:51:11,333 UNCLE KRIS: Okay! Nobody panic. 1244 00:51:11,333 --> 00:51:12,958 He probably just pulled over the wrong car. 1245 00:51:12,958 --> 00:51:14,292 SARAH: Uh, yeah, I doubt that, 1246 00:51:14,292 --> 00:51:17,667 considering you're in a stolen cop car with a reindeer stashed on the roof. 1247 00:51:17,667 --> 00:51:18,667 [phone ringing] - Everybody, shut up! 1248 00:51:18,667 --> 00:51:20,000 Shut up! My mom's calling. 1249 00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:21,667 - Oh, tell her I said hi. - I will not! 1250 00:51:22,583 --> 00:51:24,833 - Heyyy. MAYOR SPENGLER: [over phone] Kimberly, where are you? 1251 00:51:24,833 --> 00:51:27,125 KIMMI: [over phone] Uh, we're-- we're at church. 1252 00:51:27,125 --> 00:51:28,458 [sirens wailing] - What are those sirens? 1253 00:51:29,125 --> 00:51:30,667 - Church sirens. 1254 00:51:30,667 --> 00:51:32,792 MAYOR SPENGLER: [over phone] Church sirens are not a thing! 1255 00:51:32,792 --> 00:51:34,583 - Hags is at the orphanage. We need to go to the orphanage. 1256 00:51:34,583 --> 00:51:35,750 Step on it, Santa! 1257 00:51:35,750 --> 00:51:39,500 - No, no, no. We gotta be super chill, and then maybe he'll just go away. 1258 00:51:39,500 --> 00:51:40,750 OFFICER: [over speaker] Keep your hands where I can see them. 1259 00:51:40,750 --> 00:51:41,750 [Uncle Kris gasps] 1260 00:51:41,750 --> 00:51:43,125 - Oh! MAYOR SPENGLER: [over phone] Who's that? 1261 00:51:43,750 --> 00:51:45,083 - That's a song! 1262 00:51:45,083 --> 00:51:46,250 Uh-- Uh-- 1263 00:51:46,250 --> 00:51:49,417 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas, baby ♪ 1264 00:51:49,417 --> 00:51:51,708 ♪ Keep your hands up ♪ 1265 00:51:51,708 --> 00:51:55,042 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas, baby ♪ 1266 00:51:55,042 --> 00:51:57,542 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas, baby ♪ 1267 00:51:57,542 --> 00:51:59,125 ♪ Keep your hands up ♪ 1268 00:51:59,125 --> 00:52:00,250 - That's not a song! 1269 00:52:00,250 --> 00:52:03,292 - ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 1270 00:52:03,292 --> 00:52:05,667 - Where did you learn this song? In school? 1271 00:52:05,667 --> 00:52:06,667 Are you binging? 1272 00:52:06,667 --> 00:52:08,250 Because it is almost 9:00 p.m., 1273 00:52:08,250 --> 00:52:10,125 and that owl is the cornerstone of the-- 1274 00:52:10,125 --> 00:52:11,292 - Wait, did she just say it's nine o'clock? 1275 00:52:11,292 --> 00:52:12,750 It's time for the exploding ketamine. 1276 00:52:12,750 --> 00:52:13,958 - What's that? - No, he wants to do it. 1277 00:52:13,958 --> 00:52:14,875 MAYOR SPENGLER: Please be honest with me 1278 00:52:14,875 --> 00:52:16,292 because I'm at the end of my rope! 1279 00:52:16,292 --> 00:52:18,333 - No, I'm actually gonna see you later. Bye. 1280 00:52:18,333 --> 00:52:20,417 - Your lack of respect Boggles the mind! 1281 00:52:20,417 --> 00:52:21,500 [line disconnects] 1282 00:52:22,667 --> 00:52:23,667 That was a good one. 1283 00:52:23,667 --> 00:52:25,625 - Ladies, ladies! 1284 00:52:25,625 --> 00:52:29,333 Everybody be super still and super quiet, 1285 00:52:29,333 --> 00:52:31,792 and then maybe he'll just walk right past the car. 1286 00:52:31,792 --> 00:52:35,208 Everybody, chain your robot that's broken. 1287 00:52:35,208 --> 00:52:37,083 SARAH: Why are you guys acting insane? 1288 00:52:37,083 --> 00:52:39,167 It's legal to binge tonight. - Don't do it, Sarah! 1289 00:52:39,167 --> 00:52:41,083 - Don't! UNCLE KRIS: Don't! 1290 00:52:41,083 --> 00:52:43,375 - See, it's-- it's fine. 1291 00:52:43,375 --> 00:52:44,583 [Kimmi exhales in relief] 1292 00:52:45,583 --> 00:52:46,875 [box explodes] UNCLE KRIS: Fuck! 1293 00:52:46,875 --> 00:52:48,292 [tires screeching] 1294 00:52:49,250 --> 00:52:50,875 [Uncle Kris speaking indistinctly] 1295 00:52:50,875 --> 00:52:55,458 Oh-ho-ho! It is Christmas officially! Woo! 1296 00:52:55,458 --> 00:52:57,750 - Oh, my insides are burning! 1297 00:52:57,750 --> 00:53:00,125 NARRATOR: As we descend into the night, 1298 00:53:00,125 --> 00:53:03,167 it will prove to be anything but bland. 1299 00:53:03,167 --> 00:53:06,583 With each generation comes a new set of lore, 1300 00:53:06,583 --> 00:53:08,500 and we'll look to the future 1301 00:53:08,500 --> 00:53:12,500 to learn who we really are right at our core. 1302 00:53:12,500 --> 00:53:15,083 - And as another Christmas comes to pass, 1303 00:53:15,083 --> 00:53:18,542 I realize that there's two types of people in this world, 1304 00:53:18,542 --> 00:53:20,375 Chutes and Ladders. 1305 00:53:20,375 --> 00:53:23,917 And this Christmas, we're going up the ladder, baby! 1306 00:53:23,917 --> 00:53:26,750 Yeah! Yahtzee! 1307 00:53:26,750 --> 00:53:28,375 Ooh-hoo! CROWD: Ooh-hoo! 1308 00:53:28,375 --> 00:53:30,708 ANDREW: Is that Kimmi? She became the mayor? 1309 00:53:30,708 --> 00:53:33,292 And-- And if this is the future, why is everything in black and white? 1310 00:53:33,292 --> 00:53:35,542 - Hey, stop asking questions. I'm trying to hear this. 1311 00:53:35,542 --> 00:53:39,833 - And I'd like to thank my husband, the single best lover of my life. 1312 00:53:39,833 --> 00:53:41,792 Angel, come up here, baby. - She looks so beautiful. 1313 00:53:41,792 --> 00:53:45,542 Oh-- Whoa-oh-oh! Whoa! [Future Angel laughing] 1314 00:53:45,542 --> 00:53:47,625 What the hell, man? You married Kimmi? 1315 00:53:47,625 --> 00:53:49,958 - The Lord works in mysterious ways. 1316 00:53:49,958 --> 00:53:53,708 I am a very lucky man. She is a wonderful woman! 1317 00:53:53,708 --> 00:53:54,708 ANDREW: I know she is! 1318 00:53:54,708 --> 00:53:56,667 Jesus, you're like 50 years older than her! 1319 00:53:56,667 --> 00:53:58,708 - In the future, age doesn't matter. 1320 00:53:58,708 --> 00:53:59,750 - What the hell does that mean? 1321 00:53:59,750 --> 00:54:02,458 - Age is just the number of years that you've been born! 1322 00:54:02,458 --> 00:54:07,042 - Oh-- I mean, yeah, that-- that-- that is exactly what age means. 1323 00:54:07,042 --> 00:54:08,750 That's-- You're correct. 1324 00:54:08,750 --> 00:54:09,958 But, come on, man! 1325 00:54:09,958 --> 00:54:12,542 You're supposed to be helping me, and you married the love of my life? 1326 00:54:13,042 --> 00:54:14,625 This is a nightmare, okay? 1327 00:54:14,625 --> 00:54:16,208 If I ever did anything good for anybody, 1328 00:54:16,208 --> 00:54:18,375 could you please-- could you take me there? 1329 00:54:18,375 --> 00:54:20,167 Could you show me one scenario 1330 00:54:20,167 --> 00:54:22,542 that was actually better off with me in attendance? 1331 00:54:22,542 --> 00:54:25,500 - Okay, okay. Let's go to the Christmas dinner at your family's. 1332 00:54:25,500 --> 00:54:27,292 - We were already there, Angel! 1333 00:54:27,292 --> 00:54:30,292 - Are you sure? - Yes! It was a disaster! 1334 00:54:30,292 --> 00:54:32,375 - I don't remember, but you're the boss. 1335 00:54:32,958 --> 00:54:35,583 But isn't there somebody special from your past? 1336 00:54:35,583 --> 00:54:37,792 - Yes, and you married her in the future! 1337 00:54:37,792 --> 00:54:40,583 - Hey! Let's keep my wonderful wife out of it, okay? 1338 00:54:40,583 --> 00:54:43,667 You know, you are really tough to please. 1339 00:54:43,667 --> 00:54:45,542 No wonder everybody hates you! 1340 00:54:45,542 --> 00:54:46,708 ANDREW: Fine. You know what? 1341 00:54:46,708 --> 00:54:50,667 I will no longer hurt my family or anyone else in my life, okay? 1342 00:54:50,667 --> 00:54:54,083 How about you just take me back to the hospital where I was born 1343 00:54:54,083 --> 00:54:55,833 and I put myself up for adoption? 1344 00:54:55,833 --> 00:54:58,083 That way, we erase all of this from ever happening. 1345 00:54:58,083 --> 00:55:01,708 That sounds like a better idea than whatever... this is! 1346 00:55:01,708 --> 00:55:02,708 - Your wish! 1347 00:55:03,458 --> 00:55:04,458 MAYOR KIMMI: Slap that tushy! 1348 00:55:04,458 --> 00:55:06,958 - Ooh! - Oh! Ha-ha! 1349 00:55:06,958 --> 00:55:08,750 - We're still here-- I'm still watching this, man! 1350 00:55:08,750 --> 00:55:11,333 - I'm not done! [Future Angel and Kimmi laughing] 1351 00:55:11,333 --> 00:55:13,125 DELRAY DONNA: Hey, wake up. We're at the orphanage. 1352 00:55:13,125 --> 00:55:14,167 - Hey. - Hey. 1353 00:55:14,750 --> 00:55:17,208 - I think I sucked it down two pipe. 1354 00:55:17,208 --> 00:55:20,000 - Not possible. - Hey. Two pipe, RIP. 1355 00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:22,917 - So we gotta focus. We gotta trick the shit out of this lady. 1356 00:55:22,917 --> 00:55:25,458 - What did you say your names were? POMPANO MIKE: I... 1357 00:55:26,833 --> 00:55:29,250 am... Dave... 1358 00:55:30,833 --> 00:55:31,833 id. 1359 00:55:33,583 --> 00:55:34,708 Letterman. 1360 00:55:34,708 --> 00:55:36,292 David-- David Letterman. 1361 00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:38,958 - And I am... 1362 00:55:42,708 --> 00:55:45,375 [Delray Donna mouths "Pompano Mike"] 1363 00:55:45,375 --> 00:55:47,292 Pompano Mike. - Yep. 1364 00:55:47,292 --> 00:55:49,875 - Well, being fully transparent here, 1365 00:55:50,958 --> 00:55:54,167 my first instinct is that you're giving me fake names. 1366 00:55:54,167 --> 00:55:57,667 [Pompano Mike gasps] - Oh. Oh. 1367 00:55:57,667 --> 00:56:01,625 [Hags laughs, mumbles] - I don't know why... 1368 00:56:01,625 --> 00:56:05,042 - Oh, that's awful. - ...you'd accuse us of that. 1369 00:56:05,042 --> 00:56:06,083 The audacity! 1370 00:56:06,083 --> 00:56:10,167 - Well, the time it took you to say your names. 1371 00:56:10,167 --> 00:56:12,917 The looks that you gave each other after you said each name. 1372 00:56:12,917 --> 00:56:13,750 - Shoot. 1373 00:56:13,750 --> 00:56:16,583 - And the names themselves are pretty unbelievable. 1374 00:56:16,583 --> 00:56:19,542 - Excuse me? We would never do something like that! 1375 00:56:19,542 --> 00:56:21,458 - Honey-- - Hey, we are very honest people. 1376 00:56:21,458 --> 00:56:22,708 I'm sorry! - Mike-- 1377 00:56:22,708 --> 00:56:25,583 - Okay, yeah. See, all of this feels pretty suspect. 1378 00:56:25,583 --> 00:56:28,542 - You are being extremely rude and unprofessional, 1379 00:56:28,542 --> 00:56:31,250 and I don't know why you would accuse someone of like this. 1380 00:56:31,750 --> 00:56:33,125 Can I have a word with you? 1381 00:56:33,125 --> 00:56:35,958 You should be ashamed. 1382 00:56:35,958 --> 00:56:39,042 - Okay, I did not mean to offend. I just-- 1383 00:56:39,042 --> 00:56:41,833 [laughs mockingly] 1384 00:56:41,833 --> 00:56:45,250 - I don't know why you'd accuse us of... 1385 00:56:45,250 --> 00:56:46,792 [mumbles indistinctly] 1386 00:56:46,792 --> 00:56:47,792 - Extremely rude! 1387 00:56:47,792 --> 00:56:52,042 - Oh, my God! Christmas Eve is one of the toughest nights at the orphanage 1388 00:56:52,042 --> 00:56:53,500 and our Santa never showed up. 1389 00:56:54,333 --> 00:56:55,542 And these kids, they-- 1390 00:56:58,167 --> 00:56:59,375 You know what? 1391 00:56:59,375 --> 00:57:02,292 If you wanna give me $50 to start the application process, 1392 00:57:02,292 --> 00:57:05,250 I will give you the benefit of the doubt and run one of your IDs. 1393 00:57:05,250 --> 00:57:07,833 - There you go. Oh, this is a balloon for the kids. 1394 00:57:07,833 --> 00:57:08,750 [whispers] Put that in your butt. 1395 00:57:08,750 --> 00:57:10,292 - I just need the ID, please. 1396 00:57:10,292 --> 00:57:11,958 - Uh, here's the cash. - There you go. 1397 00:57:11,958 --> 00:57:13,958 - And your-- And your ID. 1398 00:57:14,750 --> 00:57:16,750 GRETA: Oh, uh... POMPANO MIKE: It's me. 1399 00:57:16,750 --> 00:57:19,125 - I apologize, Mr. Letterman. 1400 00:57:19,125 --> 00:57:20,292 - You're welcome. 1401 00:57:20,292 --> 00:57:22,708 - Just one moment. Just don't touch anything. 1402 00:57:22,708 --> 00:57:24,458 DELRAY DONNA: Don't you feel silly? 1403 00:57:24,458 --> 00:57:26,667 ♪ upbeat music playing ♪ 1404 00:57:26,667 --> 00:57:28,958 - [whispers] What? [laughs] Wow! 1405 00:57:29,708 --> 00:57:33,083 That actually worked! - Yes. Yes! 1406 00:57:33,083 --> 00:57:35,750 - Okay, okay, shh, shh, shh. Guys, I'm gonna get the ring. 1407 00:57:35,750 --> 00:57:37,417 You guys go wait in the car. 1408 00:57:37,417 --> 00:57:40,208 I'm impressed. Really impressed, guys. That was nuts! 1409 00:57:40,208 --> 00:57:43,167 - [whispering] Okay. See you out there. - Wow! 1410 00:57:43,167 --> 00:57:44,625 - Guys, guys, shh. 1411 00:57:44,625 --> 00:57:46,167 - You got this! 1412 00:57:46,167 --> 00:57:48,375 My God, I think she really bought it! - I did too. 1413 00:57:48,375 --> 00:57:49,583 - You were amazing! 1414 00:57:49,583 --> 00:57:53,042 - You kidding me? You were incredible! 1415 00:57:53,042 --> 00:57:55,792 I've never seen acting like that. - Oh, yeah. 1416 00:57:55,792 --> 00:57:57,542 - And I've watched all CBS sitcoms. 1417 00:57:57,542 --> 00:57:59,167 - Hey, let's get outta here before we get arrested. 1418 00:57:59,167 --> 00:58:00,042 - Sounds good. - Okay. 1419 00:58:00,042 --> 00:58:02,542 - All right, everyone, seems like Santa isn't coming this year. 1420 00:58:03,125 --> 00:58:05,167 But we're orphans, so it should come as no surprise 1421 00:58:05,167 --> 00:58:08,958 that the adults around us have once again neglected their responsibilities 1422 00:58:08,958 --> 00:58:10,042 at our expense. 1423 00:58:10,833 --> 00:58:13,333 But we're gonna have an old-fashioned white elephant. 1424 00:58:13,917 --> 00:58:15,750 You pick a number, and that person gets to choose a present. 1425 00:58:15,750 --> 00:58:16,958 [Grandma Ray yells] 1426 00:58:16,958 --> 00:58:18,625 We only steal when it's our turn. 1427 00:58:20,667 --> 00:58:21,750 - Hey. 1428 00:58:22,625 --> 00:58:23,708 How you guys doin'? 1429 00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:25,292 Look, I don't mean to interrupt, okay? 1430 00:58:25,292 --> 00:58:28,042 I'm just here to get my present, and I can be on my merry way. 1431 00:58:28,042 --> 00:58:30,417 - You want that present? You gotta sit down and play the game. 1432 00:58:30,417 --> 00:58:32,333 - Okay, see, I don't really have time to play a game 1433 00:58:32,333 --> 00:58:33,458 'cause I'm trying to propose. 1434 00:58:33,458 --> 00:58:38,000 So what's a little $20 say that I can get this gift and then roll? 1435 00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:39,583 - You think you can buy us with money? 1436 00:58:39,583 --> 00:58:42,208 - Okay, look, here. 35 is the best I can do. 1437 00:58:42,208 --> 00:58:44,792 See, I just got fired and I told you, I'm trying to propose! 1438 00:58:44,792 --> 00:58:46,333 BOY: I don't care about your personal life! 1439 00:58:46,333 --> 00:58:48,792 Now shut up and play. If not, the door's right there. 1440 00:58:48,792 --> 00:58:51,417 - Okay, watch your tone 'cause you getting mildly disrespectful! 1441 00:58:51,417 --> 00:58:53,708 All right, I'm gonna play the game with all of you guys. 1442 00:58:53,708 --> 00:58:56,125 Calm your energy, little Buddy The Elf, okay? 1443 00:58:56,125 --> 00:58:58,167 What are we doing? We singing Christmas carols or something? 1444 00:58:58,167 --> 00:59:00,000 - Are you high right now? 1445 00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:04,417 ♪ "Carol of the Bells" playing ♪ [sirens wailing] 1446 00:59:04,417 --> 00:59:06,042 [tires screeching] 1447 00:59:12,667 --> 00:59:14,542 - You guys are real quiet back there. Are you all right? 1448 00:59:18,958 --> 00:59:19,958 - Mr. Letterman? 1449 00:59:21,125 --> 00:59:22,917 [tires screeching] 1450 00:59:22,917 --> 00:59:24,917 [sirens wailing] 1451 00:59:36,917 --> 00:59:38,375 - It better be Santa! 1452 00:59:38,375 --> 00:59:39,958 - We did it! Ahh! 1453 00:59:40,542 --> 00:59:42,208 Woo! We are here! 1454 00:59:42,208 --> 00:59:43,125 All right, come on! 1455 00:59:43,125 --> 00:59:45,417 ♪ Christmas, Christmas, woo ♪ 1456 00:59:45,417 --> 00:59:46,250 Let's go! 1457 00:59:47,292 --> 00:59:48,583 [Uncle Kris panting] 1458 00:59:49,333 --> 00:59:51,792 - Paul, we're paying you to watch for bingers! 1459 00:59:51,792 --> 00:59:53,417 - Okay, girls, let's go! Come on. 1460 00:59:53,417 --> 00:59:56,000 - Hey, you're two hours late! 1461 00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:58,792 That is really messed up to do to these kids, they're orphans! 1462 00:59:58,792 --> 00:59:59,875 I am only paying you half. 1463 00:59:59,875 --> 01:00:00,708 - Where's the chimney? 1464 01:00:00,708 --> 01:00:02,458 - No chimney. We're going through the front door. 1465 01:00:02,458 --> 01:00:03,458 Will you put your beard on? 1466 01:00:03,458 --> 01:00:04,875 - Is there a chimney that goes through the door? 1467 01:00:04,875 --> 01:00:06,708 - That doesn't make any sense. We have to go. 1468 01:00:06,708 --> 01:00:07,542 - Okay. Let's go! 1469 01:00:08,958 --> 01:00:10,292 HAGS: Okay, look here, Tiny Tim. 1470 01:00:10,292 --> 01:00:13,333 Let's be reasonable. I made a fair trade! - No! 1471 01:00:13,333 --> 01:00:15,208 GRETA: [singing] Look who I found! 1472 01:00:15,208 --> 01:00:16,375 - Ho-ho-ho! 1473 01:00:16,375 --> 01:00:17,375 - Merry Christmas! 1474 01:00:17,375 --> 01:00:19,167 - That fucker took my white elephant! 1475 01:00:19,167 --> 01:00:21,250 - Sammy, language! Get back here! 1476 01:00:21,250 --> 01:00:23,417 Security! - No need. I'm leaving. 1477 01:00:23,417 --> 01:00:24,667 I'm leaving! 1478 01:00:25,375 --> 01:00:26,375 [thuds] 1479 01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,917 - Shit. Shit. Shit. 1480 01:00:28,917 --> 01:00:31,792 - Oops. - God damn it. Get an ice pack! 1481 01:00:31,792 --> 01:00:32,792 Jesus! 1482 01:00:34,000 --> 01:00:36,083 ♪ eerie music playing ♪ 1483 01:00:36,083 --> 01:00:39,875 KIMMI: You know, I think I'm leaving the K hole. 1484 01:00:39,875 --> 01:00:41,583 SARAH: Yeah, I think maybe I feel normal now. 1485 01:00:41,583 --> 01:00:43,625 We're gonna find that fucker in here. 1486 01:00:44,625 --> 01:00:47,333 [in Sarah's voice] Wait, what the fuck? 1487 01:00:47,333 --> 01:00:48,750 - [in Kimmi's voice] What is happening? 1488 01:00:48,750 --> 01:00:50,667 - [in Sarah's voice] I think we Freaky Friday'd. 1489 01:00:51,542 --> 01:00:52,792 - [in Kimmi's voice] No! 1490 01:00:54,042 --> 01:00:55,833 I don't want your voice! 1491 01:00:55,833 --> 01:00:58,625 - [in Sarah's voice] What? Why? What's wrong with my voice? 1492 01:00:58,625 --> 01:01:00,125 - [in Kimmi's voice, mocking] What's wrong with my voice? 1493 01:01:00,125 --> 01:01:01,458 That's me doing you as you. 1494 01:01:01,458 --> 01:01:02,875 It's not very pleasant. 1495 01:01:02,875 --> 01:01:05,333 [voice distorts and echoes] 1496 01:01:07,000 --> 01:01:10,000 ♪ mysterious music playing ♪ 1497 01:01:12,708 --> 01:01:15,292 [owl hooting] 1498 01:01:16,333 --> 01:01:19,042 [bird cawing] 1499 01:01:21,500 --> 01:01:23,875 - [echoing] Yahtzee! 1500 01:01:23,875 --> 01:01:29,542 - [echoing] Alexa... Alexa... turn the Titilator to a 20. 1501 01:01:29,542 --> 01:01:32,458 [cackles] 1502 01:01:35,083 --> 01:01:36,208 - [in normal voice] Kimmi! 1503 01:01:36,875 --> 01:01:37,875 - Excuse me! 1504 01:01:37,875 --> 01:01:39,833 - That's the girl that Hags is cheating on me with. 1505 01:01:39,833 --> 01:01:41,667 - This guy got knocked out. Can you help me? 1506 01:01:41,667 --> 01:01:44,333 - Yeah, I'll help you. Help you die, bitch. 1507 01:01:44,333 --> 01:01:46,750 - What? I don't have time for this. 1508 01:01:46,750 --> 01:01:48,458 KIMMI: Oh, my God. Abort! She's gonna-- 1509 01:01:48,458 --> 01:01:51,500 [girls scream] [fire extinguisher hissing] 1510 01:01:52,958 --> 01:01:56,333 - Oh, man, I'm doing this. I'm really doing this. 1511 01:01:56,333 --> 01:01:59,000 ♪ soft music playing ♪ 1512 01:01:59,000 --> 01:02:02,750 - Well, I'm not gonna lie, I don't really remember the plan. 1513 01:02:03,375 --> 01:02:07,833 But I think you're making the-- the right choice. 1514 01:02:07,833 --> 01:02:08,833 - Yeah. 1515 01:02:08,833 --> 01:02:11,375 Once I drop my baby self over for adoption, 1516 01:02:11,375 --> 01:02:13,083 everyone's life will be much, much better. 1517 01:02:13,083 --> 01:02:14,875 Nature versus nurture. [chuckles] 1518 01:02:14,875 --> 01:02:17,583 Yeah, um, but before I do that, 1519 01:02:17,583 --> 01:02:18,917 do you have any more of that golden powder? 1520 01:02:18,917 --> 01:02:21,958 - No! You smoked it all, you greedy bastard. 1521 01:02:21,958 --> 01:02:23,292 - Oh, shit. 1522 01:02:23,292 --> 01:02:25,208 [sirens wailing] HAGS: Andrew? 1523 01:02:25,875 --> 01:02:27,208 - I think it's starting to wear off. 1524 01:02:27,792 --> 01:02:29,000 - That's not good. 1525 01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,000 HAGS: Andrew? - Who said that? 1526 01:02:31,000 --> 01:02:32,000 HAGS: Andrew? 1527 01:02:32,500 --> 01:02:33,917 - Baby didn't say it. 1528 01:02:33,917 --> 01:02:36,250 HAGS: Andrew? - Hags? 1529 01:02:36,750 --> 01:02:39,708 - Bags? Who's Bags? - Hags. 1530 01:02:40,375 --> 01:02:42,500 HAGS: Andrew? - Hags? 1531 01:02:42,500 --> 01:02:44,167 - Andrew, what the fuck happened to your face? 1532 01:02:44,167 --> 01:02:46,083 And where'd you get that baby? 1533 01:02:46,083 --> 01:02:47,333 - Where'd you get that baby? 1534 01:02:47,333 --> 01:02:50,250 - You stole a baby? Oh, you're going to prison. 1535 01:02:50,250 --> 01:02:52,167 I can't help you. Goodbye. 1536 01:02:52,167 --> 01:02:53,500 - Who is that? 1537 01:02:54,500 --> 01:02:55,750 - Thank God! 1538 01:02:55,750 --> 01:02:58,458 This guy tried to steal presents from orphans. 1539 01:02:58,458 --> 01:03:01,708 And then, this guy with the long hair stole a baby, I think. 1540 01:03:01,708 --> 01:03:03,583 - Stole a baby? - I just-- 1541 01:03:03,583 --> 01:03:05,417 - We're here because there's an escaped convict 1542 01:03:05,417 --> 01:03:07,000 somewhere in this place dressed as Santa. 1543 01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:09,875 - Oh, my God! He's upstairs! 1544 01:03:09,875 --> 01:03:11,333 - Take care of these guys. 1545 01:03:11,333 --> 01:03:14,042 - Do... not... move. 1546 01:03:15,917 --> 01:03:16,917 Whose baby is that? 1547 01:03:16,917 --> 01:03:18,458 - I can explain easily. 1548 01:03:18,458 --> 01:03:19,917 - He can explain. - Yeah. 1549 01:03:19,917 --> 01:03:22,000 - I'm waitin'. - It's actually pretty simple. 1550 01:03:22,000 --> 01:03:24,167 I went back in time thanks to this guy named Angel 1551 01:03:24,167 --> 01:03:26,875 that I met under a bridge after I got attacked by the Christmas Owl. 1552 01:03:26,875 --> 01:03:29,750 He showed me that my family's better off without me in their lives. 1553 01:03:29,750 --> 01:03:31,458 So I went to the hospital, stole my baby self, 1554 01:03:31,458 --> 01:03:32,708 and now I'm here to set him up for adoption 1555 01:03:32,708 --> 01:03:35,042 so that, hopefully, I get a better life! 1556 01:03:36,458 --> 01:03:37,917 - Fuckin' Binge. 1557 01:03:37,917 --> 01:03:41,208 Why, oh, why did they have to put The Binge on Christmas? 1558 01:03:41,208 --> 01:03:42,208 - I know! 1559 01:03:42,208 --> 01:03:43,625 OFFICER: What the hell is wrong with you? 1560 01:03:43,625 --> 01:03:45,333 You sucked it down pipe, didn't you? 1561 01:03:46,208 --> 01:03:49,750 Give me this. Stealing from the kids! You should be ashamed of yourself. 1562 01:03:50,250 --> 01:03:54,125 - I want the elves to build the perfect family... for all of us. 1563 01:03:54,125 --> 01:03:57,042 And I'm sorry I called that guy a fucker before. 1564 01:03:57,625 --> 01:03:59,250 I hope you don't hold it against me. 1565 01:03:59,250 --> 01:04:03,125 - [laughs] Sammy, Santa doesn't hold grudges. 1566 01:04:03,125 --> 01:04:05,208 But that is a bad word, and you shouldn't say it. 1567 01:04:05,208 --> 01:04:06,667 And it's hard not to. 1568 01:04:06,667 --> 01:04:09,542 Sometimes even Santa says it. 1569 01:04:09,542 --> 01:04:11,167 You know, the reindeer will bite me, 1570 01:04:11,167 --> 01:04:13,958 and I want to be like, "Whoa, you fucker!" 1571 01:04:14,833 --> 01:04:16,083 But I don't. 1572 01:04:16,083 --> 01:04:20,042 And I wish you and all the children to find the perfect home. 1573 01:04:20,042 --> 01:04:24,417 And you can if you just have faith, all right? 1574 01:04:24,417 --> 01:04:29,750 And right now, I'm gonna need all of you to help save Christmas this year. 1575 01:04:30,250 --> 01:04:31,875 We need to go to a place 1576 01:04:31,875 --> 01:04:35,208 that is the heart and the soul of Christmas. 1577 01:04:35,208 --> 01:04:38,500 Let's go to Winter Wonderland! 1578 01:04:38,500 --> 01:04:41,250 [kids cheering] - Yes! All right, let's go! 1579 01:04:41,250 --> 01:04:42,625 - He's trying to steal the kids! 1580 01:04:42,625 --> 01:04:44,458 - They're gonna kill Santa! OFFICER: That's not Santa. 1581 01:04:44,458 --> 01:04:46,542 It's just a guy dressed up. 1582 01:04:47,542 --> 01:04:48,667 Tell the orphans. 1583 01:04:50,458 --> 01:04:54,125 - Well, if I'm not Santa, then how do I remember this? 1584 01:04:55,000 --> 01:04:57,375 Christmas 2006, 1585 01:04:57,375 --> 01:05:01,417 I went down your chimney, and I left an iPod mini, a Nerf football, 1586 01:05:01,417 --> 01:05:06,667 and a lava lamp from Spencer's Gifts, just like you wanted. 1587 01:05:06,667 --> 01:05:11,083 You left me a glass of almond milk with an oatmeal cookie, 1588 01:05:11,083 --> 01:05:15,208 which I ate half of just to let you know that I'd been there. 1589 01:05:15,875 --> 01:05:19,500 Your house was the epitome of Americana, 1590 01:05:19,500 --> 01:05:23,667 white picket fence and two golden retrievers. 1591 01:05:23,667 --> 01:05:24,667 - Wow. 1592 01:05:25,583 --> 01:05:29,625 ♪ rousing music playing ♪ 1593 01:05:32,458 --> 01:05:34,833 - I was raised in a shit-hole apartment on 8th Avenue. 1594 01:05:36,125 --> 01:05:37,250 No pets. 1595 01:05:37,250 --> 01:05:38,625 And I'm Jewish. 1596 01:05:39,417 --> 01:05:40,625 [handcuffs clink] 1597 01:05:43,500 --> 01:05:45,625 - We're all Jewish. - No, we're not. 1598 01:05:45,625 --> 01:05:48,125 - It was... a firehouse. 1599 01:05:48,125 --> 01:05:50,125 That's where you lived, a firehouse. - All right, let's go. 1600 01:05:50,125 --> 01:05:51,958 - You had 14 cats. 1601 01:05:51,958 --> 01:05:53,292 - No pets. I told you. 1602 01:05:53,292 --> 01:05:54,417 He's not Santa. 1603 01:05:54,417 --> 01:05:55,875 - He's made out of wood! 1604 01:05:55,875 --> 01:05:57,500 - Flesh and bones. You're under arrest. Let's go. 1605 01:05:57,500 --> 01:05:59,208 [muffled whispering] 1606 01:05:59,208 --> 01:06:00,250 - It's okay. 1607 01:06:00,250 --> 01:06:03,917 ♪ whimsical music playing ♪ 1608 01:06:10,917 --> 01:06:12,500 - Whoa, I know you! 1609 01:06:13,000 --> 01:06:14,500 You're my future wife! 1610 01:06:15,167 --> 01:06:16,875 [girls scream] 1611 01:06:18,417 --> 01:06:19,417 - [gasps] Oh! 1612 01:06:19,417 --> 01:06:21,667 [baby whimpering] 1613 01:06:23,458 --> 01:06:27,417 - Hi. Wondering if you had a baby stolen from your hospital tonight? 1614 01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:29,750 Yeah. I know. 1615 01:06:29,750 --> 01:06:32,083 I don't know why they would make The Binge on Christmas either. 1616 01:06:32,583 --> 01:06:34,083 - I need that fucking owl. 1617 01:06:34,083 --> 01:06:37,208 - Jesus Christ, Kimmi. Give it up already. Who cares? 1618 01:06:38,167 --> 01:06:40,292 - I care. I care, Sarah. 1619 01:06:40,292 --> 01:06:42,667 I've been doing everything that you care about all night! 1620 01:06:42,667 --> 01:06:45,833 I'm literally at the orphanage because you needed to find Hags. 1621 01:06:45,833 --> 01:06:48,542 - Who? - Sarah, it's okay to be sad. 1622 01:06:48,542 --> 01:06:52,000 You guys dated for a long time. Just let it out. 1623 01:06:52,000 --> 01:06:55,417 - Kimmi, can you just give up the act for like 30 seconds? 1624 01:06:56,000 --> 01:06:57,875 You've been saying shit like you're my therapist, 1625 01:06:57,875 --> 01:06:59,875 and I've been tolerating it all night. 1626 01:06:59,875 --> 01:07:01,875 - You're not a walk in the park either. 1627 01:07:01,875 --> 01:07:04,167 I mean, sometimes I literally think you're, like, acting up 1628 01:07:04,167 --> 01:07:05,500 'cause you're jealous or something. 1629 01:07:06,333 --> 01:07:07,917 - I'm jealous of you? 1630 01:07:07,917 --> 01:07:10,333 - You're jealous of me because I have a life 1631 01:07:10,333 --> 01:07:13,000 and I have new things to do and new responsibilities, 1632 01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:15,458 and you're still out there calling yourself a prom queen. 1633 01:07:17,083 --> 01:07:18,292 - You do you, Kimmi. 1634 01:07:18,292 --> 01:07:21,667 And for your information, I graduated eighth in my class 1635 01:07:21,667 --> 01:07:23,542 in online cosmetology school, 1636 01:07:23,542 --> 01:07:28,000 which you would know if you cared about talking about anyone other than yourself. 1637 01:07:29,375 --> 01:07:34,250 Good luck finding your owl and in all your future endeavors. 1638 01:07:35,250 --> 01:07:36,292 - Right! 1639 01:07:36,292 --> 01:07:39,583 POMPANO MIKE: They got 'em all. Dang it! DELRAY DONNA: Oh, man! Scooped 'em. 1640 01:07:39,583 --> 01:07:41,583 POMPANO MIKE: There's only one thing we can do at this point, 1641 01:07:41,583 --> 01:07:43,500 good old-fashioned heist. 1642 01:07:43,500 --> 01:07:45,125 Ocean's Eleven style. 1643 01:07:45,125 --> 01:07:47,833 - But there's only us. Oceans Two? 1644 01:07:47,833 --> 01:07:48,750 POMPANO MIKE: Hear me out here. 1645 01:07:48,750 --> 01:07:50,833 Remember that barbershop quartet I was in? 1646 01:07:50,833 --> 01:07:52,458 - We Cut Hair and Sing? POMPANO MIKE: No, no. 1647 01:07:52,458 --> 01:07:54,083 That was the first one. The one after that. 1648 01:07:54,083 --> 01:07:56,042 - Big Old Pump and the Tiny, Tiny Pom Poms? 1649 01:07:56,042 --> 01:07:57,917 - Nope. You jumped two. The one right in the middle. 1650 01:07:57,917 --> 01:07:59,750 - Yellow Brick Road Scholars? 1651 01:07:59,750 --> 01:08:01,292 - No, no, that was the last one. The middle one. 1652 01:08:01,292 --> 01:08:04,125 - Oh! We Sing Songs? - Yes. We Sing Songs. 1653 01:08:04,125 --> 01:08:07,042 So that's three more guys. That gets us to Ocean's Five. 1654 01:08:07,042 --> 01:08:11,375 But wait, I heard Geppetto swore off quartetting forever 1655 01:08:11,375 --> 01:08:12,792 for religious reasons. 1656 01:08:12,792 --> 01:08:15,292 Says that baritone is the devil's pitch. 1657 01:08:15,292 --> 01:08:16,583 DELRAY DONNA: That's too bad. - I know. 1658 01:08:16,583 --> 01:08:18,458 - He was quite a talent. - He really was. 1659 01:08:18,458 --> 01:08:21,708 - Okay, so without Geppetto, Ocean's Four? 1660 01:08:21,708 --> 01:08:23,208 - Darn it. You know, you're right. 1661 01:08:23,208 --> 01:08:25,417 Any way you slice it, we're never gonna get to Eleven. 1662 01:08:25,417 --> 01:08:26,792 - No. [Pompano Mike sighs] 1663 01:08:26,792 --> 01:08:28,500 POMPANO MIKE: Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this one solo. 1664 01:08:28,500 --> 01:08:30,542 And by solo, I mean me and you. 1665 01:08:32,333 --> 01:08:33,625 But when we work together, 1666 01:08:34,417 --> 01:08:35,750 you and me, 1667 01:08:35,750 --> 01:08:38,625 we can get through anything life throws at us! 1668 01:08:38,625 --> 01:08:39,792 Ain't that right, baby? 1669 01:08:40,625 --> 01:08:43,125 [Delray Donna snoring] 1670 01:08:43,125 --> 01:08:45,000 - You grew up on 8th Avenue. 1671 01:08:45,000 --> 01:08:47,667 It was a small apartment. No pets. 1672 01:08:47,667 --> 01:08:49,458 - Yeah, I told you all that stuff at the orphanage. 1673 01:08:50,042 --> 01:08:51,458 - Yeah, I know. I'd already known that. 1674 01:08:51,458 --> 01:08:52,792 I was just having fun with you. 1675 01:08:53,542 --> 01:08:54,750 - Sure. 1676 01:08:54,750 --> 01:08:56,917 - I never delivered presents to you 'cause you were Jewish, 1677 01:08:56,917 --> 01:08:58,625 but your neighbors, Barbara and Henry, 1678 01:08:58,625 --> 01:09:00,250 they had a daughter named Patty, 1679 01:09:00,250 --> 01:09:01,333 and the family owned a bakery, 1680 01:09:01,333 --> 01:09:02,917 and they would leave me really good cookies. 1681 01:09:02,917 --> 01:09:04,417 Yeah, they were a really nice family. 1682 01:09:05,250 --> 01:09:06,792 We'll be outta here, guys. Don't worry. 1683 01:09:06,792 --> 01:09:08,167 - [softly] I didn't tell him any of those things. 1684 01:09:08,167 --> 01:09:11,542 - If this motherfucker is really Santa, that's on you. 1685 01:09:12,792 --> 01:09:13,792 Love you, Santa. 1686 01:09:14,875 --> 01:09:17,000 - So you're just not gonna talk to me now? 1687 01:09:17,000 --> 01:09:19,208 - You hung up on me, man. - I called you back. 1688 01:09:19,208 --> 01:09:20,375 - You did? - Yes! 1689 01:09:20,375 --> 01:09:24,208 - Oh, okay, 'cause I was in a dark place, okay? 1690 01:09:25,125 --> 01:09:28,375 I felt like my family would be better off without me, 1691 01:09:28,375 --> 01:09:30,292 and I met this guy Angel 1692 01:09:30,292 --> 01:09:33,625 who actually showed me what my family'd be like without me, 1693 01:09:35,500 --> 01:09:36,708 and, well, I was right. 1694 01:09:38,250 --> 01:09:40,542 - No, Andrew, you were wrong. 1695 01:09:41,125 --> 01:09:42,625 Because I'm your family. 1696 01:09:42,625 --> 01:09:44,000 If I'd have known you were in trouble, 1697 01:09:44,000 --> 01:09:46,250 I would've dropped everything I was doing to be by your side. 1698 01:09:48,125 --> 01:09:49,417 There's always room for family. 1699 01:09:51,875 --> 01:09:53,042 - Dominic Toretto. 1700 01:09:54,833 --> 01:09:55,833 Fast Five. 1701 01:10:01,625 --> 01:10:02,958 - All right, you each get a phone call. 1702 01:10:03,375 --> 01:10:05,125 Jailhouse Jesus, you're up first. 1703 01:10:05,125 --> 01:10:06,167 - Pass. 1704 01:10:06,167 --> 01:10:08,375 - You don't have anyone to call on Christmas? 1705 01:10:08,375 --> 01:10:11,458 - Well, anyone I'd call is in this jail cell with me right now. 1706 01:10:12,542 --> 01:10:14,542 - Wow. That's sad. 1707 01:10:15,375 --> 01:10:16,542 Pathetic, actually. 1708 01:10:17,458 --> 01:10:20,458 I have like 10 people off the top of my head I could call, 1709 01:10:20,458 --> 01:10:21,625 20 probably. 1710 01:10:22,250 --> 01:10:24,417 Kayla, you got people you could call, right? 1711 01:10:24,417 --> 01:10:25,542 - Every damn day. 1712 01:10:25,542 --> 01:10:27,083 - Every day, she has friends she could call. 1713 01:10:27,083 --> 01:10:29,167 What about you? You got someone you wanna call? 1714 01:10:29,167 --> 01:10:30,583 - Yeah, you should call Sarah. 1715 01:10:31,583 --> 01:10:33,667 - Uh... yeah. 1716 01:10:34,583 --> 01:10:36,458 Yeah, I'll-- I'll take my call. 1717 01:10:36,458 --> 01:10:38,333 - Of course, he's gonna make a call. Everyone should. 1718 01:10:38,333 --> 01:10:40,042 KAYLE: What a loser. - Find friends. 1719 01:10:40,042 --> 01:10:42,958 KAYLA: I have no respect for people who have no long-term relationships. 1720 01:10:44,083 --> 01:10:45,792 DELRAY DONNA: Sure no one will notice us here? 1721 01:10:45,792 --> 01:10:47,042 POMPANO MIKE: There's no way they could. 1722 01:10:47,042 --> 01:10:48,208 Here's the plan. 1723 01:10:48,208 --> 01:10:50,625 I'm gonna be responsible for sneaking the guys out. 1724 01:10:50,625 --> 01:10:53,708 That means all you have to do is hack into the mainframe 1725 01:10:53,708 --> 01:10:56,375 and shut down the cameras, the security system, 1726 01:10:56,375 --> 01:10:58,000 and the locking mechanism to the cell. 1727 01:10:58,000 --> 01:11:01,000 From there, you're gonna shadow ban yourself on the dark web. 1728 01:11:01,000 --> 01:11:03,125 - You're gonna be completely incognito. - All right. 1729 01:11:03,125 --> 01:11:04,208 - Then you're gonna go in, 1730 01:11:04,208 --> 01:11:08,333 reroute all the calls in the local area 40 miles east, 1731 01:11:08,333 --> 01:11:10,083 sending the squad cars away. 1732 01:11:10,083 --> 01:11:13,125 - Mainframe. - Yeah. Squad cars away. 1733 01:11:14,000 --> 01:11:15,375 - Wait, you want me to do this? 1734 01:11:15,375 --> 01:11:19,083 - Yeah, we don't have a full eleven, so I allocated all the tech stuff to you. 1735 01:11:19,083 --> 01:11:22,042 - Well, I don't know how to do any of the stuff you just said. 1736 01:11:22,042 --> 01:11:24,458 - Not even a simple vector decoy or... 1737 01:11:24,458 --> 01:11:26,625 - Just give me one sec. - Yep. 1738 01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:33,000 ♪ soft ethereal music playing ♪ 1739 01:11:33,875 --> 01:11:35,333 - I got it. - Nice. 1740 01:11:35,333 --> 01:11:38,750 - I saw this episode of Cops once where this guy did a shit ton of PCP. 1741 01:11:39,250 --> 01:11:41,875 He got hit by a monster truck, didn't feel a thing! 1742 01:11:41,875 --> 01:11:43,792 You do a gentleman's dose, 1743 01:11:43,792 --> 01:11:45,875 get in there, distract the shit out of 'em. 1744 01:11:45,875 --> 01:11:47,583 You'll be virtually invincible. 1745 01:11:47,583 --> 01:11:49,708 I'll get in and get the keys to the cell. 1746 01:11:52,833 --> 01:11:54,542 - We're gonna make great parents one day. 1747 01:11:54,542 --> 01:11:55,750 - I love you. - Love you too. 1748 01:11:55,750 --> 01:11:56,750 - Okay. 1749 01:11:58,708 --> 01:12:00,208 - So just a gentleman's amount. 1750 01:12:03,750 --> 01:12:05,208 [snorts sharply] 1751 01:12:05,208 --> 01:12:06,750 ♪ dark rumbling music playing ♪ 1752 01:12:06,750 --> 01:12:09,375 [howling] 1753 01:12:09,375 --> 01:12:10,375 [thunder cracks] 1754 01:12:10,958 --> 01:12:13,375 - Hi, I am... 1755 01:12:15,833 --> 01:12:16,833 Pompano Mike, 1756 01:12:17,333 --> 01:12:21,000 and I just had a question about some people that you took in tonight. 1757 01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:25,208 - Are you a relative or legal guardian, Mike? 1758 01:12:25,208 --> 01:12:28,208 - Uhhhh... 1759 01:12:31,292 --> 01:12:33,708 Look. Look at this. 1760 01:12:33,708 --> 01:12:36,875 [Pompano Mike screaming] 1761 01:12:38,458 --> 01:12:41,458 Oh, my God! Are you seeing this? 1762 01:12:41,458 --> 01:12:44,667 - Hey, sir. I'm gonna need you to stop it. 1763 01:12:44,667 --> 01:12:47,625 - Oh, man! What's happening? [Pompano Mike continues screaming] 1764 01:12:48,917 --> 01:12:51,042 Who is this guy? POMPANO MIKE: I think it's working. 1765 01:12:51,542 --> 01:12:54,292 [Pompano Mike screaming] [glass shatters] 1766 01:12:55,917 --> 01:12:57,292 Yeah, yeah, okay, we're good. 1767 01:12:57,292 --> 01:13:00,292 ♪ upbeat music playing ♪ 1768 01:13:06,333 --> 01:13:07,958 - Another Merry Christmas call. 1769 01:13:07,958 --> 01:13:09,458 - You have too many friends. 1770 01:13:09,458 --> 01:13:11,708 [Pompano Mike screaming in distance] 1771 01:13:17,042 --> 01:13:18,208 [ornaments clattering] 1772 01:13:19,583 --> 01:13:21,375 - Pompano Mike, what the hell are you doing here? 1773 01:13:21,375 --> 01:13:23,667 - Should we be concerned about this? POMPANO MIKE: To rescue you guys! 1774 01:13:23,667 --> 01:13:24,875 - No. Not at all. 1775 01:13:24,875 --> 01:13:26,625 [Pompano Mike screaming] 1776 01:13:30,542 --> 01:13:33,667 Ah! Cops! Take that! - All right. 1777 01:13:34,833 --> 01:13:39,083 - Terminator 2. Terminator 2. Terminator 2! 1778 01:13:39,083 --> 01:13:41,167 Come on, Terminator 2. 1779 01:13:41,167 --> 01:13:45,375 Ah, what the fuck? They-- They put away Santa? That's it! 1780 01:13:45,375 --> 01:13:47,167 - Ooh. - Let me in there, pal. 1781 01:13:47,167 --> 01:13:48,167 - Okay, okay. 1782 01:13:48,167 --> 01:13:49,292 - Let me in there right now. 1783 01:13:49,292 --> 01:13:51,667 HAGS: Those aren't real guns, guys. He's not armed. 1784 01:13:52,667 --> 01:13:54,250 - I am armed. 1785 01:13:54,250 --> 01:13:56,750 [laughs] You don't wanna know what these bullets feel like. 1786 01:13:56,750 --> 01:13:59,250 Hey, Santa, what's up? - Hi. 1787 01:13:59,250 --> 01:14:01,292 - This is what you get when you fuck with Santa! 1788 01:14:02,333 --> 01:14:04,333 Now close it. OFFICER: You asked for this. 1789 01:14:04,333 --> 01:14:06,792 - Close it up! That's good. 1790 01:14:06,792 --> 01:14:10,083 That's a good guy. That's a good guy. 1791 01:14:10,083 --> 01:14:11,292 - There you go, partner. 1792 01:14:11,292 --> 01:14:13,917 POMPANO MIKE: All right, guys. It's gonna take all of us this time. 1793 01:14:13,917 --> 01:14:14,917 Let's go! 1794 01:14:14,917 --> 01:14:16,792 [screams] Come on! 1795 01:14:16,792 --> 01:14:19,917 [Andrew and Pompano Mike screaming "Terminator 2"] 1796 01:14:19,917 --> 01:14:22,125 - Woo! 1797 01:14:32,125 --> 01:14:35,125 ♪ eerie music playing ♪ 1798 01:14:36,417 --> 01:14:39,417 ♪ "Ode to Joy" playing ♪ 1799 01:14:53,708 --> 01:14:54,750 - Thank you, Diane. 1800 01:14:54,750 --> 01:14:57,167 We are here live at Winter Wonderland 1801 01:14:57,167 --> 01:15:00,792 where it appears that the Bingers are staging a mutiny. 1802 01:15:00,792 --> 01:15:03,167 Mayor Spengler has completely lost control. 1803 01:15:03,167 --> 01:15:08,208 Her request to keep this event Binge free has only made people want to binge more. 1804 01:15:08,208 --> 01:15:09,375 It's funny how that works. 1805 01:15:09,375 --> 01:15:12,000 I pulled a cupcake off one of the trays when I entered in here, 1806 01:15:12,000 --> 01:15:15,417 and now people's faces are starting to melt and turn neon. 1807 01:15:15,417 --> 01:15:17,083 I guess it was laced with something. 1808 01:15:17,083 --> 01:15:19,292 Par for the course for The Binge, I suppose. 1809 01:15:19,292 --> 01:15:22,625 And I guess that's par for the course for The Binge, I suppose. 1810 01:15:22,625 --> 01:15:25,458 I'm sorry. Did I just say that, or did I think that? 1811 01:15:25,458 --> 01:15:26,833 I don't know. 1812 01:15:26,833 --> 01:15:30,208 But I do know it's par for the course for The Binge. 1813 01:15:30,208 --> 01:15:33,208 [crowd chanting "Binge!"] 1814 01:15:35,917 --> 01:15:37,917 [tree thuds] [crowd gasps] 1815 01:15:39,250 --> 01:15:41,250 [crowd cheering] 1816 01:15:41,250 --> 01:15:42,792 - Fuckin' Binge. 1817 01:15:42,792 --> 01:15:45,250 - Long live The Binge! 1818 01:15:45,250 --> 01:15:46,667 ♪ bright cheery music playing ♪ 1819 01:15:46,667 --> 01:15:47,958 KAYLA: Now this is Christmas. 1820 01:15:49,208 --> 01:15:50,292 OFFICER: Got another one. 1821 01:15:50,292 --> 01:15:52,208 He was standing in someone's living room, 1822 01:15:52,208 --> 01:15:54,625 pretending to be a ghost and eating their food. 1823 01:15:54,625 --> 01:15:56,250 - I love chicken wings. 1824 01:15:56,250 --> 01:15:59,542 Oh, my mother's golden brown-- - Angel? 1825 01:15:59,542 --> 01:16:00,583 ANGEL: Anderooney! 1826 01:16:00,583 --> 01:16:04,875 Look what I got from the orphanage! [giggles] 1827 01:16:05,458 --> 01:16:06,708 Merry Bingemas! 1828 01:16:06,708 --> 01:16:09,250 - Oh, fuck it. It's already the worst Christmas ever. 1829 01:16:09,958 --> 01:16:10,958 Let's go. 1830 01:16:10,958 --> 01:16:12,833 ♪ bright harp music playing ♪ 1831 01:16:12,833 --> 01:16:14,042 ANGEL: Binge! 1832 01:16:16,125 --> 01:16:19,125 - ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪ 1833 01:16:19,125 --> 01:16:22,042 - ♪ There's no love for me this year ♪ 1834 01:16:22,042 --> 01:16:25,167 - ♪ No, we won't be together ♪ 1835 01:16:25,167 --> 01:16:27,958 ♪ No bailing me outta here ♪ 1836 01:16:27,958 --> 01:16:31,125 ♪ No ho-ho-hos, no mistletoes ♪ 1837 01:16:31,125 --> 01:16:34,125 ♪ No angels getting wings ♪ 1838 01:16:34,125 --> 01:16:36,375 ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪ 1839 01:16:36,375 --> 01:16:37,375 [set thuds] 1840 01:16:37,375 --> 01:16:40,833 ♪ 'Cause The Binge has gone and ruined everything ♪ 1841 01:16:40,833 --> 01:16:41,917 [snorting] 1842 01:16:41,917 --> 01:16:43,583 - ♪ Well, I was gonna propose ♪ 1843 01:16:43,583 --> 01:16:45,875 ♪ Now I'm totally hosed and I'm haunted by this ring ♪ 1844 01:16:45,875 --> 01:16:48,583 - ♪ And now I'm all alone sitting on my throne ♪ 1845 01:16:48,583 --> 01:16:52,292 ♪ Still looking for my homecoming king ♪ 1846 01:16:52,292 --> 01:16:53,833 - ♪ I saw the future, I saw the past ♪ 1847 01:16:53,833 --> 01:16:56,208 ♪ I need The Binge to end at last ♪ 1848 01:16:56,208 --> 01:16:58,417 - ♪ Yeah, I'm on the prowl for the stupid owl ♪ 1849 01:16:58,417 --> 01:17:00,250 ♪ And Kimberly, seriously ♪ 1850 01:17:00,250 --> 01:17:01,083 [owl screeches] 1851 01:17:01,083 --> 01:17:05,250 ♪ Maybe I'm growing up way too fast ♪ 1852 01:17:05,250 --> 01:17:08,333 - ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪ 1853 01:17:08,333 --> 01:17:12,167 - ♪ Who thought it was smart for The Binge to start on this jolly holiday? ♪ 1854 01:17:12,167 --> 01:17:14,292 ♪ I just wanted to see my family ♪ 1855 01:17:14,292 --> 01:17:18,375 ♪ But now I better head back up north on my sleigh ♪ 1856 01:17:18,375 --> 01:17:20,375 - ♪ I pimped my ride, my girl by my side ♪ 1857 01:17:20,375 --> 01:17:22,000 ♪ I thought I was in heaven ♪ 1858 01:17:22,000 --> 01:17:24,583 ♪ But The Binge made me realize ♪ 1859 01:17:24,583 --> 01:17:29,667 ♪ I'll never have my own Ocean's Eleven ♪ 1860 01:17:29,667 --> 01:17:31,250 - ♪ Well, you see, way back in the day ♪ 1861 01:17:31,250 --> 01:17:32,417 ♪ I killed a guy in LA ♪ 1862 01:17:32,417 --> 01:17:34,458 ♪ And this other bro living in San Antonio ♪ 1863 01:17:34,458 --> 01:17:36,417 ♪ Had a bit of a spree in Tallahassee ♪ 1864 01:17:36,417 --> 01:17:38,333 ♪ Gotta get this off of my chest ♪ 1865 01:17:38,333 --> 01:17:41,292 ♪ 'Cause there never was an arrest ♪ 1866 01:17:41,292 --> 01:17:42,958 - ♪ It's the worst Christmas-- ♪ 1867 01:17:42,958 --> 01:17:44,125 - Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. 1868 01:17:44,125 --> 01:17:45,333 Hold on. That wasn't all. 1869 01:17:45,333 --> 01:17:46,583 I killed a guy in St. Paul 1870 01:17:46,583 --> 01:17:49,958 and a few others at a mall in Niagara Falls. Oh, and-- 1871 01:17:49,958 --> 01:17:53,250 - Angel, I don't think you should be incriminating yourself like this. 1872 01:17:53,250 --> 01:17:56,125 - Oh, I thought this song was a safe space. 1873 01:17:56,125 --> 01:17:57,958 I was... kidding? 1874 01:17:59,458 --> 01:18:02,625 - ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪ 1875 01:18:02,625 --> 01:18:05,542 ♪ There's no love for me this year ♪ 1876 01:18:05,542 --> 01:18:08,667 ♪ No, we won't be together ♪ 1877 01:18:08,667 --> 01:18:11,750 ♪ There's no bailing me outta here ♪ 1878 01:18:11,750 --> 01:18:17,417 ♪ No ho-ho-hos, no mistletoes, no angels getting wings ♪ 1879 01:18:17,917 --> 01:18:20,417 [all singing off-key] ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪ 1880 01:18:20,417 --> 01:18:26,417 ♪ And The Binge has gone and ruined everything ♪ 1881 01:18:28,667 --> 01:18:29,917 - Good God! 1882 01:18:29,917 --> 01:18:31,250 - Fellas, take it from the top. 1883 01:18:31,250 --> 01:18:33,125 - No, no, no. No. Good news, folks. 1884 01:18:33,125 --> 01:18:35,125 We don't normally have our holding tank full 1885 01:18:35,125 --> 01:18:36,708 of a bunch of singing people on Christmas Eve. 1886 01:18:37,208 --> 01:18:39,292 KAYLA: And if this many people are trying to bail you out, 1887 01:18:39,292 --> 01:18:41,333 then you must be something pretty special. 1888 01:18:41,333 --> 01:18:42,667 Come on in, family. 1889 01:18:43,167 --> 01:18:46,708 - Ah! [laughs] - Shit. Mom? 1890 01:18:46,708 --> 01:18:48,958 - Which one do you messed with my kid, huh? Which one? 1891 01:18:48,958 --> 01:18:50,292 [Rigo speaking Spanish] 1892 01:18:50,292 --> 01:18:51,208 - Dads? 1893 01:18:51,208 --> 01:18:53,833 - Your boy Hags called us. Been looking for you all night, man! 1894 01:18:53,833 --> 01:18:55,958 - Wait, you have? - Yeah. 1895 01:18:56,375 --> 01:18:58,208 - You used your one call for me, Hags? 1896 01:18:58,208 --> 01:19:00,958 - Yeah, man, of course! What would Diesel do? 1897 01:19:00,958 --> 01:19:01,958 - Wow. 1898 01:19:01,958 --> 01:19:04,500 DEIDRE: You're the spice of our family, Andrew. 1899 01:19:04,917 --> 01:19:06,917 You're the testicles in the tomato soup. 1900 01:19:07,333 --> 01:19:09,833 We need you, Andrew. We need you. 1901 01:19:10,833 --> 01:19:13,000 RIGO: I was being a selfish piece of shit. 1902 01:19:13,000 --> 01:19:17,292 And I don't care whose sperm Rube Goldberg'd with another sperm 1903 01:19:17,292 --> 01:19:22,458 to fertilize an egg that ultimately led to two vastly different twins. 1904 01:19:23,875 --> 01:19:25,375 You'll always be a part of me. 1905 01:19:25,875 --> 01:19:29,958 I wouldn't trade you for all the Titcoin in the world. 1906 01:19:29,958 --> 01:19:32,167 - [Deidre speaking Spanish] ...Titcoin. 1907 01:19:32,167 --> 01:19:35,542 - Wow. I've never heard you say something like that to me. 1908 01:19:35,542 --> 01:19:36,792 That's, uh... [chuckles] 1909 01:19:37,750 --> 01:19:38,750 That's amazing! 1910 01:19:39,292 --> 01:19:40,542 And Dakota, you too? 1911 01:19:40,542 --> 01:19:42,167 - I only came 'cause I like car rides. 1912 01:19:42,583 --> 01:19:44,250 - Appreciate that. Thank you. 1913 01:19:45,000 --> 01:19:46,917 Well, it's a Christmas miracle. 1914 01:19:48,083 --> 01:19:49,458 I love my family. 1915 01:19:50,333 --> 01:19:51,458 I love my family! 1916 01:19:51,458 --> 01:19:53,333 [everyone laughs] 1917 01:19:53,333 --> 01:19:56,167 ALL: I love my family! 1918 01:19:57,958 --> 01:19:59,500 - Angel, I get it now. 1919 01:19:59,500 --> 01:20:01,208 - Have we met? - Yes, we have met! 1920 01:20:01,208 --> 01:20:02,208 We went through a whole-- 1921 01:20:03,250 --> 01:20:05,167 I understand what you were trying to teach me this whole time. 1922 01:20:05,167 --> 01:20:06,333 - You do? 1923 01:20:06,333 --> 01:20:07,708 ANDREW: You were trying to teach me 1924 01:20:07,708 --> 01:20:10,917 I actually have the ability to make my own future. 1925 01:20:10,917 --> 01:20:12,500 - Oh, yeah. That was the lesson. 1926 01:20:12,500 --> 01:20:14,875 Hey, right on. ANDREW: Hey, right on! 1927 01:20:16,000 --> 01:20:18,458 All right, guys, what do you say, we, uh... 1928 01:20:19,625 --> 01:20:21,667 say fuck it, hit the Winter Wonderland, right? 1929 01:20:21,667 --> 01:20:23,792 Reunite my mom with that weird-ass dude that was at our dinner, 1930 01:20:23,792 --> 01:20:25,500 and I tell Kimmi I love her for the first time. 1931 01:20:25,500 --> 01:20:27,875 KAYLA: Move out the way. Enough of this sappy stuff. 1932 01:20:27,875 --> 01:20:29,625 Please slide over if you want 'em free. 1933 01:20:29,625 --> 01:20:30,792 Thank you, ma'am. 1934 01:20:32,417 --> 01:20:33,833 Come on. - All right. 1935 01:20:34,500 --> 01:20:36,792 So, I-- It's okay if we-- Okay. 1936 01:20:36,792 --> 01:20:39,292 DEIDRE: Come on, baby. 1937 01:20:39,292 --> 01:20:41,208 - And you might want this. - Thank you. 1938 01:20:41,208 --> 01:20:43,000 - Come on, Terminator 2. - Terminator 2. 1939 01:20:43,000 --> 01:20:44,125 UNCLE KRIS: This is great. 1940 01:20:44,125 --> 01:20:46,083 - Hey, I don't know if you're Santa, 1941 01:20:46,083 --> 01:20:49,208 but if you are, can you look after my grandkids? 1942 01:20:49,208 --> 01:20:50,833 - Tracy and Jamal. They're adorable. 1943 01:20:50,833 --> 01:20:51,833 Yeah, for sure. 1944 01:20:51,833 --> 01:20:53,917 ANGEL: All right! Let's go feed the-- 1945 01:20:53,917 --> 01:20:56,000 - Mm-mm. - Not you. 1946 01:20:56,000 --> 01:20:59,000 - Hey, what happened to all that Christmas spirit, 1947 01:20:59,000 --> 01:21:01,208 and redemption, and cheer? 1948 01:21:01,208 --> 01:21:03,000 OFFICER: What happened is we ran your fingerprints, 1949 01:21:03,000 --> 01:21:06,208 and you're wanted in 11 states for a couple dozen murders. 1950 01:21:06,208 --> 01:21:08,500 You're never gonna see the light of day again. 1951 01:21:08,500 --> 01:21:12,042 - ♪ This is the worst Christmas ever ♪ 1952 01:21:12,042 --> 01:21:13,708 - Stop singing. No one wants to hear you sing again. 1953 01:21:13,708 --> 01:21:14,958 - ♪ No love for me ♪ 1954 01:21:14,958 --> 01:21:16,500 KAYLA: Ah, ah, ah! OFFICER: Back, back, back. 1955 01:21:16,500 --> 01:21:18,167 KAYLA: Get your ass back in there! 1956 01:21:18,167 --> 01:21:19,542 - All right, we gotta get to the orphanage. 1957 01:21:19,542 --> 01:21:22,000 We gotta show the kids what Christmas is all about. 1958 01:21:22,625 --> 01:21:25,292 Do you have any presents or treats or, like, candy canes or anything? 1959 01:21:29,125 --> 01:21:30,958 - How about this for the kids? 1960 01:21:30,958 --> 01:21:32,417 KAYLA: Oh, hell. We'll allow it. 1961 01:21:32,417 --> 01:21:34,792 It's a Christmas Binge. Nothing matters. 1962 01:21:34,792 --> 01:21:36,167 - Christmas is saved! 1963 01:21:36,167 --> 01:21:38,958 [all clap and cheer] 1964 01:21:38,958 --> 01:21:42,000 - Love to stay for the family reunion, but I'm gonna go propose! 1965 01:21:42,000 --> 01:21:42,875 - Yeah! - All right! 1966 01:21:42,875 --> 01:21:44,333 - I'm gonna propose! - All right! 1967 01:21:44,333 --> 01:21:46,000 HAGS: Okay. Love you all! 1968 01:21:46,875 --> 01:21:51,667 [train horn honks] [muffled chatter and laughter] 1969 01:21:51,667 --> 01:21:54,667 ♪ EDM version of "Carol of the Bells" playing ♪ 1970 01:21:58,833 --> 01:22:01,500 MAYOR SPENGLER: Stop! Stop it! 1971 01:22:01,500 --> 01:22:04,083 Oh, god damn it! [indistinct shouting] 1972 01:22:04,083 --> 01:22:07,125 Stop! No! 1973 01:22:07,125 --> 01:22:09,208 Everyone, get out of here! What are you doing? 1974 01:22:09,208 --> 01:22:10,583 What's wrong with you? 1975 01:22:11,417 --> 01:22:13,583 Oh, no, no! Get out! Everyone get out! 1976 01:22:13,583 --> 01:22:15,167 No, no, no! 1977 01:22:15,167 --> 01:22:16,417 When did you do this? 1978 01:22:16,417 --> 01:22:19,083 When did you switch out all the music and the lights? 1979 01:22:19,750 --> 01:22:22,583 Christmas is not about this! It's about family! 1980 01:22:23,417 --> 01:22:24,667 - Where's your family? 1981 01:22:26,417 --> 01:22:27,875 - Where's my family? 1982 01:22:29,625 --> 01:22:32,625 ♪ EDM version of "Carol of the Bells" playing ♪ 1983 01:22:48,542 --> 01:22:51,083 - Uncle Kris! What are you doing here? 1984 01:22:51,083 --> 01:22:52,542 - Candy! 1985 01:22:52,542 --> 01:22:53,958 - That's not candy! 1986 01:22:53,958 --> 01:22:55,750 UNCLE KRIS: Christmas dust! 1987 01:22:56,250 --> 01:23:00,083 - God bless us, everyone! [snorts] 1988 01:23:00,875 --> 01:23:04,667 This Christmas dust makes me wanna start a small business. 1989 01:23:05,667 --> 01:23:09,042 - It seems that the mayor's brother, who was a felon who is dressed as Santa, 1990 01:23:09,042 --> 01:23:11,708 is throwing drugs to the Winter Wonderland attendees, 1991 01:23:11,708 --> 01:23:13,125 young and old. 1992 01:23:13,125 --> 01:23:14,500 - What did you say? That's not my brother. 1993 01:23:14,500 --> 01:23:16,708 That's just a fake Santa, and they all look the same. 1994 01:23:16,708 --> 01:23:18,125 UNCLE KRIS: That's my sister, the mayor! 1995 01:23:18,125 --> 01:23:19,125 KIMMI: Mom? 1996 01:23:19,833 --> 01:23:21,000 - Oh, my goodness! 1997 01:23:21,000 --> 01:23:23,583 It looks like the mayor's daughter, and she's all scratched up. 1998 01:23:23,583 --> 01:23:25,125 MAYOR SPENGLER: Kimmi? It's me! 1999 01:23:26,000 --> 01:23:28,000 - The mayor has acknowledged the child, 2000 01:23:28,000 --> 01:23:30,125 and now the child has acknowledged the mayor. 2001 01:23:30,125 --> 01:23:32,417 This is definitely the mayor's daughter. 2002 01:23:32,417 --> 01:23:35,833 - [chuckles nervously] So? So? So what? 2003 01:23:35,833 --> 01:23:38,958 - Everyone's having a great time here except for the mayor. 2004 01:23:38,958 --> 01:23:41,417 Church sirens are ringing and everyone is singing... 2005 01:23:41,417 --> 01:23:43,875 - That's not a thing! - "Keep your hands up for Christmas." 2006 01:23:43,875 --> 01:23:45,792 - No! God damn it! - Keep your hands up for Christmas! 2007 01:23:45,792 --> 01:23:47,625 [crowd chanting "Keep your hands up for Christmas"] 2008 01:23:49,250 --> 01:23:50,958 - Put your hands down! 2009 01:23:50,958 --> 01:23:52,250 It's not a song! 2010 01:23:53,542 --> 01:23:55,917 A church doesn't have a siren! 2011 01:23:56,417 --> 01:23:57,625 - Sarah! 2012 01:23:58,792 --> 01:23:59,833 [snowball thudding] Sarah! 2013 01:24:00,583 --> 01:24:01,500 Sarah! 2014 01:24:01,500 --> 01:24:02,833 - Oh! Hags! HAGS: What the hell? 2015 01:24:02,833 --> 01:24:04,000 - I'm glad you came back! 2016 01:24:04,000 --> 01:24:05,667 I've been thinking about your dinner joke! 2017 01:24:05,667 --> 01:24:08,167 - You're a lunatic! Where's your niece? 2018 01:24:08,167 --> 01:24:10,792 Sarah, please! Sarah! 2019 01:24:11,750 --> 01:24:13,125 [snowball thuds] Come on, Sarah! 2020 01:24:13,125 --> 01:24:15,000 - It's some kind of a meta-commentary 2021 01:24:15,000 --> 01:24:17,208 on the way we consume meat in this country. 2022 01:24:17,208 --> 01:24:19,875 HAGS: Did you just run to another room? - Yeah. 2023 01:24:20,292 --> 01:24:22,042 - It's weird, bro! Really weird! 2024 01:24:22,042 --> 01:24:25,083 - Hags! Go away. Go home! 2025 01:24:27,917 --> 01:24:30,583 No, don't-- don't do the fucking card thing. 2026 01:24:31,333 --> 01:24:34,000 You spelled my name wrong, Hags. You put two As. 2027 01:24:35,042 --> 01:24:36,958 How drunk were you when you wrote these? 2028 01:24:38,667 --> 01:24:41,333 Why is that house smoking a cigarette? - What? 2029 01:24:42,458 --> 01:24:44,292 Okay, that's not what I meant to say. 2030 01:24:44,292 --> 01:24:45,333 Right, this is the one though. 2031 01:24:45,333 --> 01:24:48,875 This is what I've been wanting to say to you the entire night, Sarah. 2032 01:24:54,125 --> 01:24:56,583 Damn, I really was high and drunk when I wrote these. 2033 01:24:56,583 --> 01:24:58,000 Sarah, I just need you to listen to me. 2034 01:24:58,000 --> 01:24:59,083 SARAH: I don't wanna listen to you. 2035 01:24:59,083 --> 01:25:01,958 I don't wanna see you, and you clearly don't wanna see me. 2036 01:25:01,958 --> 01:25:03,500 You've been acting crazy. 2037 01:25:03,500 --> 01:25:07,042 - I'm acting crazy because I was scared, Sarah. 2038 01:25:07,708 --> 01:25:09,667 I thought because we were growing older 2039 01:25:09,667 --> 01:25:12,500 that our relationship wouldn't be able to work anymore. 2040 01:25:12,500 --> 01:25:13,667 - Well, maybe it doesn't. 2041 01:25:13,667 --> 01:25:15,875 - No, Sarah. See, that's what I learned tonight. 2042 01:25:16,375 --> 01:25:21,000 The love and the beauty of life doesn't just die because you get older. 2043 01:25:22,167 --> 01:25:23,167 It gets better. 2044 01:25:24,708 --> 01:25:27,375 Because you get to share those moments with the people you love the most. 2045 01:25:29,042 --> 01:25:31,917 - So you really weren't having an affair with the orphanage lady? 2046 01:25:31,917 --> 01:25:34,500 - Hell, no! I would never cheat on you. I love you! 2047 01:25:35,000 --> 01:25:37,042 And do you know how terrified I am of you? 2048 01:25:37,042 --> 01:25:38,708 - [laughs] Yeah, I do. 2049 01:25:38,708 --> 01:25:42,792 - I love you more and more every single day. 2050 01:25:42,792 --> 01:25:44,583 - [laughing] Hags. 2051 01:25:44,583 --> 01:25:47,125 HAGS: You will always be the prom queen to me. 2052 01:25:50,292 --> 01:25:52,667 Sarah Martin, will you marry me? 2053 01:25:52,667 --> 01:25:54,500 - What? Are you serious? 2054 01:25:54,500 --> 01:25:57,125 - I've never been more serious about anything my entire life. 2055 01:25:57,125 --> 01:25:58,292 - Yes! 2056 01:25:58,833 --> 01:26:00,458 HAGS: Yeah? Yeah? 2057 01:26:01,542 --> 01:26:04,333 - I had, literally, no idea. 2058 01:26:05,958 --> 01:26:07,417 Oh, my God. Which one did you get? 2059 01:26:07,417 --> 01:26:09,250 Did you get the one from my fucking vision board? 2060 01:26:10,208 --> 01:26:11,583 What? What? HAGS: What? 2061 01:26:11,583 --> 01:26:13,208 SARAH: What the fuck is this, Hags? 2062 01:26:13,208 --> 01:26:14,375 What the fuck? 2063 01:26:15,250 --> 01:26:18,625 - Aw, damn! Damn! Damn! 2064 01:26:18,625 --> 01:26:20,417 I lost your grandmom's ring! 2065 01:26:20,417 --> 01:26:21,458 - What'd you say, bitch? 2066 01:26:21,458 --> 01:26:23,208 ♪ tense music playing ♪ [electronic beeps trilling] 2067 01:26:23,208 --> 01:26:24,958 - Sarah, your grandmom can control this? 2068 01:26:24,958 --> 01:26:27,042 - No, no, no. Watch out, watch out! Watch out! 2069 01:26:27,042 --> 01:26:28,208 My ice sculpture! 2070 01:26:28,208 --> 01:26:29,250 [ice sculpture shatters] 2071 01:26:30,417 --> 01:26:31,958 ♪ Get your fucking hands up ♪ 2072 01:26:31,958 --> 01:26:34,958 ♪ EDM version of "Deck the Halls" playing ♪ 2073 01:26:39,125 --> 01:26:41,208 - Kris, what are you doing here? 2074 01:26:41,208 --> 01:26:42,625 - I'm here to see my sister. 2075 01:26:42,625 --> 01:26:45,208 I can't spend another Christmas without my family! 2076 01:26:45,208 --> 01:26:47,708 - I understand that, but you were about to get out in, like, two weeks, 2077 01:26:47,708 --> 01:26:50,333 so now you're gonna be in there for a lot longer. 2078 01:26:50,333 --> 01:26:51,417 - You know what? 2079 01:26:51,417 --> 01:26:52,625 I don't care! 2080 01:26:52,625 --> 01:26:56,375 'Cause I'm here now with my family at Winter Wonderland 2081 01:26:56,375 --> 01:26:57,958 like it used to be, remember? 2082 01:26:57,958 --> 01:26:59,833 And now we're back just like normal. 2083 01:27:00,417 --> 01:27:02,708 - Just like normal. - Yeah. 2084 01:27:02,708 --> 01:27:05,083 [people cheering and whistling] [man coughing] 2085 01:27:06,042 --> 01:27:09,708 - [in a deep voice] Oh, shit! I think we Freaky Friday'd. 2086 01:27:09,708 --> 01:27:11,292 [screaming in a high pitch] 2087 01:27:11,292 --> 01:27:13,792 [Mayor Spengler laughing] 2088 01:27:13,792 --> 01:27:14,792 - Are you all right? 2089 01:27:22,458 --> 01:27:25,167 [cackling] 2090 01:27:30,875 --> 01:27:31,958 - Are you okay? 2091 01:27:31,958 --> 01:27:34,833 - I'm better than I've been in a very long time. 2092 01:27:35,667 --> 01:27:39,000 Guys, my brother might be a little bit odd. 2093 01:27:39,000 --> 01:27:40,500 - Yeah, he's insanely weird. 2094 01:27:40,500 --> 01:27:42,167 - Well, but he's still my brother, 2095 01:27:42,167 --> 01:27:44,875 and he made me realize that my family's not perfect. 2096 01:27:45,833 --> 01:27:46,875 But no family is. 2097 01:27:46,875 --> 01:27:51,208 But my brother, he busted his ass outta jail 2098 01:27:51,208 --> 01:27:53,417 to be here with us tonight, okay? 2099 01:27:53,417 --> 01:27:56,667 And if that's not the true meaning of this fucking holiday, 2100 01:27:56,667 --> 01:27:58,417 then I don't know what is! 2101 01:27:58,417 --> 01:28:01,417 [crowd cheering] 2102 01:28:03,625 --> 01:28:05,208 A wise woman once said, 2103 01:28:05,958 --> 01:28:08,125 "You can have a Monopoly on Christmas, 2104 01:28:08,750 --> 01:28:12,917 but without family, your life will be a real Twister." 2105 01:28:12,917 --> 01:28:14,333 - Who said that? 2106 01:28:15,208 --> 01:28:16,208 - I did. 2107 01:28:16,208 --> 01:28:17,333 MAN: Horrible quote. 2108 01:28:17,333 --> 01:28:19,833 - [laughs] Shoot him. 2109 01:28:19,833 --> 01:28:22,167 - I seriously need you to stop asking me to shoot people, Mayor. 2110 01:28:22,167 --> 01:28:24,792 - No, no, no, not mayor. Nope, not anymore. 2111 01:28:24,792 --> 01:28:27,458 I've spent too many years of my life being mayor. 2112 01:28:27,458 --> 01:28:30,125 I am just a normal everyday mother and sister 2113 01:28:30,125 --> 01:28:31,917 asking you to shoot that man dead 2114 01:28:31,917 --> 01:28:35,500 because I hereby announce that I'm dropping out of the race. 2115 01:28:35,500 --> 01:28:36,750 [crowd gasps] 2116 01:28:36,750 --> 01:28:39,708 That's right. And my final act as your mayor 2117 01:28:41,125 --> 01:28:42,375 is pardoning my brother. 2118 01:28:42,375 --> 01:28:44,875 ♪ rousing music playing ♪ [crowd cheers and claps] 2119 01:28:46,625 --> 01:28:49,750 Now someone get me a goddamn drink 'cause it's been a terrible night. 2120 01:28:50,500 --> 01:28:52,708 Yes, thank you! 2121 01:28:52,708 --> 01:28:55,708 [crowd chanting "chug"] 2122 01:29:03,000 --> 01:29:06,000 [cheers fade out] 2123 01:29:11,875 --> 01:29:14,875 ♪ tense music playing ♪ 2124 01:29:15,458 --> 01:29:17,167 - Christmas Owl! 2125 01:29:17,167 --> 01:29:19,500 [crowd screaming] 2126 01:29:22,500 --> 01:29:25,917 - Okay. All right. 2127 01:29:25,917 --> 01:29:27,333 It's you and me, you son of a bitch. 2128 01:29:27,833 --> 01:29:30,292 [owl screeches] You got one chance. 2129 01:29:30,292 --> 01:29:31,625 You better make it good. 2130 01:29:33,250 --> 01:29:35,458 We knew it was gonna end up like this, didn't we, buddy? 2131 01:29:35,458 --> 01:29:38,292 Me and you, woman versus bird! 2132 01:29:38,292 --> 01:29:40,667 [owl screeching] Come on, come on! 2133 01:29:40,667 --> 01:29:42,417 [crowd gasps] [owl screeching] 2134 01:29:42,958 --> 01:29:46,125 ♪ rousing music playing ♪ 2135 01:29:47,417 --> 01:29:49,375 [owl hoots] It's beautiful. 2136 01:29:50,375 --> 01:29:51,375 It's beautiful! 2137 01:29:51,375 --> 01:29:55,375 [crowd cheering] ♪ lively cheery music playing ♪ 2138 01:29:55,375 --> 01:29:56,583 [mouthing "thank you"] 2139 01:29:56,583 --> 01:29:58,958 CRAIG: It's a Christmas miracle! 2140 01:29:59,458 --> 01:30:03,750 The owl returned because the mayor learned her lesson! 2141 01:30:03,750 --> 01:30:06,083 - It is a Christmas miracle! 2142 01:30:06,875 --> 01:30:09,500 Everything worked out just as it was supposed to. 2143 01:30:10,000 --> 01:30:12,000 [crowd cheering] 2144 01:30:13,958 --> 01:30:15,750 Would you like to reclaim your throne? 2145 01:30:15,750 --> 01:30:18,667 - Yes, I would. And also, can you really pardon me? 2146 01:30:18,667 --> 01:30:20,333 - Oh, oh, not a chance in hell. 2147 01:30:20,333 --> 01:30:22,708 So after Christmas, you should probably flee the country. 2148 01:30:22,708 --> 01:30:23,750 - Oh, okay. - Okay. 2149 01:30:23,750 --> 01:30:25,000 - Yeah, that sounds cool. - Okay. 2150 01:30:25,000 --> 01:30:27,292 - Okay. Everybody, USA! 2151 01:30:27,292 --> 01:30:30,167 [crowd cheering and chanting "USA"] 2152 01:30:38,708 --> 01:30:41,000 All right, kids! Santa's here! 2153 01:30:41,500 --> 01:30:43,083 Hey, Sammy, how are you, bud? 2154 01:30:43,083 --> 01:30:44,083 All right. 2155 01:30:44,708 --> 01:30:46,042 Here, let me give you a gift. 2156 01:30:47,625 --> 01:30:49,375 - Thank you, Santa. Thank you. 2157 01:30:52,250 --> 01:30:54,292 ♪ mysterious music playing ♪ 2158 01:30:54,292 --> 01:30:57,250 GRANDMA RAY: Fourteen centuries of tradition, 2159 01:30:57,250 --> 01:30:59,375 priceless ring etched in lava! 2160 01:30:59,375 --> 01:31:01,625 - You son of a bitch! I wanted a Rubik's cube! 2161 01:31:01,625 --> 01:31:02,625 [Grandma Ray yells] 2162 01:31:02,625 --> 01:31:06,708 - Hey, Sammy. I know what you really want, and it's not in that bag. 2163 01:31:07,208 --> 01:31:10,000 You want a family of your own, and guess what? 2164 01:31:10,000 --> 01:31:12,667 [gasps] They're right over there. 2165 01:31:12,667 --> 01:31:17,167 - Five, six, seven, eight, nine kids. 2166 01:31:17,792 --> 01:31:20,708 - [gasps] Plus the two of us! 2167 01:31:22,333 --> 01:31:27,000 - Baby, we finally got our very own Ocean's Eleven. 2168 01:31:27,000 --> 01:31:28,167 We'll take 'em all. 2169 01:31:28,875 --> 01:31:31,792 - That's, literally, never going to happen. 2170 01:31:31,792 --> 01:31:33,917 - Well, we've already started naming them, so. 2171 01:31:33,917 --> 01:31:34,917 - We sure have. 2172 01:31:34,917 --> 01:31:37,833 DELRAY DONNA: Chandler, Phoebe. - Professor X, Scion. 2173 01:31:37,833 --> 01:31:40,292 - Mitsubishi. - JNCO Jeans. 2174 01:31:40,292 --> 01:31:43,000 - They already have names! They're like 12. 2175 01:31:44,167 --> 01:31:47,875 - Things were said tonight that I really-- - [crying] Deidre, Deidre, no, just-- 2176 01:31:47,875 --> 01:31:49,333 - Please. - No, no. 2177 01:31:50,708 --> 01:31:52,208 - , my. DEIDRE: What? 2178 01:31:52,917 --> 01:31:57,792 What is-- What the fuck are you doing? - You are the best thing. 2179 01:31:57,792 --> 01:31:59,333 - Are you proposing? 2180 01:31:59,333 --> 01:32:01,333 I am not getting married again! 2181 01:32:01,333 --> 01:32:04,833 - [yelling] Hey, don't you talk to me like that! 2182 01:32:04,833 --> 01:32:07,167 From now on, I am the one 2183 01:32:07,167 --> 01:32:12,042 that is doing the yelling! 2184 01:32:12,042 --> 01:32:13,667 - Really? CRAIG: Really! 2185 01:32:13,667 --> 01:32:16,792 I'll take your ass to Maury! 2186 01:32:16,792 --> 01:32:20,375 - I love you, Craig! - Merry fucking Christmas! 2187 01:32:23,667 --> 01:32:26,917 - Your family's pretty crazy. - Yours is too. 2188 01:32:31,583 --> 01:32:34,208 - Fucking Christmas Owl. - Fucking Christmas Owl. 2189 01:32:35,625 --> 01:32:38,917 - Um, do you wanna be my plus one? 2190 01:32:39,458 --> 01:32:40,458 - Your plus one? 2191 01:32:41,292 --> 01:32:43,042 - Hags proposed to Sarah. 2192 01:32:44,042 --> 01:32:45,500 ANDREW: Holy shit. He really did it. 2193 01:32:46,083 --> 01:32:49,083 Did you know that every time a bell rings, 2194 01:32:49,833 --> 01:32:51,042 Angel gets his wings? 2195 01:32:51,042 --> 01:32:53,042 [bell tinkles] 2196 01:32:58,750 --> 01:33:00,458 - Got a Christmas delivery for ya. 2197 01:33:00,458 --> 01:33:01,625 - Bah! [officer gasps] 2198 01:33:01,625 --> 01:33:02,833 - I will tase you. 2199 01:33:06,042 --> 01:33:08,000 [Angel chuckles] 2200 01:33:10,500 --> 01:33:13,917 UNCLE KRIS: Dear Angel, used your mom's secret recipe. 2201 01:33:13,917 --> 01:33:17,167 Glad you finally got your wings. Love, Santa. Ho! 2202 01:33:17,167 --> 01:33:18,542 - I'll be damned. 2203 01:33:18,542 --> 01:33:22,958 Almost makes going to jail for killing 26 people worth it. 2204 01:33:25,500 --> 01:33:30,000 [bells ringing softly] [carolers humming] 2205 01:33:36,542 --> 01:33:39,917 - ♪ It's the best Christmas ever ♪ 2206 01:33:39,917 --> 01:33:43,208 ♪ So much love this time of year ♪ 2207 01:33:43,208 --> 01:33:49,208 ♪ When we can be together with presents and Christmas cheer ♪ 2208 01:33:49,208 --> 01:33:55,167 ♪ There's ho-ho-hos and mistletoes and bells are gonna ring ♪ 2209 01:33:55,167 --> 01:33:58,167 ♪ It's the best Christmas ever ♪ 2210 01:33:58,167 --> 01:34:03,750 ♪ When every single angel gets their wings ♪ 2211 01:34:05,792 --> 01:34:09,708 NARRATOR: And so another Binge has come and gone. 2212 01:34:09,708 --> 01:34:12,375 Old family fences were mended. 2213 01:34:12,375 --> 01:34:15,000 New family bonds were erected. 2214 01:34:15,000 --> 01:34:17,250 And for the first time ever, 2215 01:34:17,250 --> 01:34:21,708 drugs were not only taken but embraced at the dinner table. 2216 01:34:21,708 --> 01:34:25,542 So make sure however you celebrate the holidays this season, 2217 01:34:25,542 --> 01:34:28,458 you aren't afraid to add a little bit of love, 2218 01:34:28,458 --> 01:34:30,333 a lotta bit of laughs, 2219 01:34:30,333 --> 01:34:33,958 and just a sprinkling of methamphetamines. 2220 01:34:33,958 --> 01:34:36,708 Merry Bingemas, everybody! 2221 01:34:36,708 --> 01:34:40,500 - ♪ Best Christmas ever Best Christmas ever ♪ 2222 01:34:40,500 --> 01:34:46,500 ♪ In Wonderland ♪ 2223 01:34:49,000 --> 01:34:52,000 [alarm blaring] 2224 01:34:52,875 --> 01:34:55,500 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2225 01:34:56,167 --> 01:34:58,500 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2226 01:34:59,083 --> 01:35:01,583 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2227 01:35:02,125 --> 01:35:05,292 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2228 01:35:06,417 --> 01:35:10,083 ♪ When there's no one who's on your side ♪ 2229 01:35:10,083 --> 01:35:12,208 ♪ Your dreams have died ♪ 2230 01:35:12,208 --> 01:35:14,208 ♪ Church sirens ringin' ♪ 2231 01:35:14,208 --> 01:35:18,708 ♪ There's ashes on the ground ♪ 2232 01:35:18,708 --> 01:35:22,500 ♪ Just remember on the darkest night ♪ 2233 01:35:22,500 --> 01:35:25,042 ♪ You're still alive ♪ 2234 01:35:25,042 --> 01:35:29,292 ♪ Keep your hands up high ♪ 2235 01:35:31,167 --> 01:35:32,375 ♪ Take my hand ♪ 2236 01:35:32,375 --> 01:35:36,917 ♪ We'll fly so far away on Santa's sleigh ♪ 2237 01:35:36,917 --> 01:35:42,042 ♪ Miracles still happen on Christmas Day ♪ 2238 01:35:43,208 --> 01:35:44,708 ♪ We'll be so high ♪ 2239 01:35:44,708 --> 01:35:49,292 ♪ We'll make a right turn on the Milky Way ♪ 2240 01:35:49,292 --> 01:35:51,333 ♪ When we come down ♪ 2241 01:35:51,333 --> 01:35:55,250 ♪ Just keep your hands up ♪ 2242 01:35:56,333 --> 01:35:59,042 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2243 01:35:59,583 --> 01:36:02,167 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2244 01:36:02,708 --> 01:36:05,292 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2245 01:36:05,708 --> 01:36:08,333 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2246 01:36:08,792 --> 01:36:11,417 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2247 01:36:11,917 --> 01:36:14,417 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2248 01:36:14,958 --> 01:36:17,625 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2249 01:36:18,083 --> 01:36:21,208 ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪ 2250 01:36:21,625 --> 01:36:24,208 - Well, I mean, that's why I'm investing in Titcoin. 2251 01:36:24,208 --> 01:36:25,458 You know, you gotta. 2252 01:36:25,458 --> 01:36:28,417 I mean, I was in the-- Oh, shit, we're on? Shit! 2253 01:36:29,042 --> 01:36:32,333 And with that, another Binge comes to a close. 2254 01:36:32,333 --> 01:36:33,708 We laughed. We cried. 2255 01:36:34,625 --> 01:36:37,625 I did peyote, I ate three lemons with the rinds on, 2256 01:36:37,625 --> 01:36:39,000 and I wrestled a snowman. 2257 01:36:39,667 --> 01:36:41,333 Truly, a poetic night. 2258 01:36:41,958 --> 01:36:43,167 What a great Christmas! 2259 01:36:43,958 --> 01:36:45,958 - Your camera person left hours ago. 2260 01:36:45,958 --> 01:36:48,083 - Okay, I don't talk to coyotes. 2261 01:36:48,833 --> 01:36:50,917 - You're talking to a nutcracker! 2262 01:36:50,917 --> 01:36:53,958 - [laughs] Okay, thank you, ma'am. I'm live. 2263 01:36:56,208 --> 01:36:59,458 I'm Soup Anderson, signing off with Channel 7 News. 2264 01:36:59,458 --> 01:37:01,625 Good night and good luck. 2265 01:37:02,292 --> 01:37:04,333 And I hope you get a good fuck. 2266 01:37:04,333 --> 01:37:07,250 [laughs] How's that? I added it just for fun. 2267 01:37:08,250 --> 01:37:10,500 [owl hooting] 2268 01:37:10,500 --> 01:37:13,500 ♪ tribal drum music playing ♪ 2269 01:37:21,125 --> 01:37:26,542 ♪ When the angels dance and church sirens ring ♪ 2270 01:37:26,542 --> 01:37:32,125 ♪ And hearts around are opening ♪ 2271 01:37:32,125 --> 01:37:37,292 ♪ Who offers us Christmas blessings? ♪ 2272 01:37:37,292 --> 01:37:39,333 ♪ The Christmas Owl ♪ 2273 01:37:39,333 --> 01:37:44,792 ♪ Whose wisdom, dignity, and grace ♪ 2274 01:37:44,792 --> 01:37:50,333 ♪ Are found upon his feathered face ♪ 2275 01:37:50,333 --> 01:37:55,500 ♪ Whose talons lift the human race ♪ 2276 01:37:55,500 --> 01:37:59,083 ♪ Aloft the Christmas Owl ♪ 2277 01:38:00,042 --> 01:38:01,042 ♪ Hoo ♪ 2278 01:38:05,708 --> 01:38:08,917 ♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 2279 01:38:08,917 --> 01:38:12,042 ♪ Swooping down from the heaven high ♪ 2280 01:38:12,042 --> 01:38:15,042 ♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 2281 01:38:15,042 --> 01:38:18,292 ♪ He spreads his wings on Christmas night ♪ 2282 01:38:18,292 --> 01:38:21,333 ♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 2283 01:38:21,333 --> 01:38:24,750 ♪ In peace and love and brotherhood ♪ 2284 01:38:24,750 --> 01:38:27,417 ♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪ 2285 01:38:27,417 --> 01:38:30,167 ♪ The Christmas Owl ♪ 2286 01:38:30,167 --> 01:38:33,625 ♪ The owl is good ♪ 2287 01:38:35,708 --> 01:38:38,000 ♪ The owl is great ♪ 2288 01:38:40,333 --> 01:38:42,500 [owl hooting] 2289 01:38:45,208 --> 01:38:47,708 [owl hooting] 169733

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