Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,583 --> 00:00:04,583
♪ cheery festive music playing ♪
2
00:00:22,208 --> 00:00:24,292
NARRATOR:
'Twas the night before Christmas,
3
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,583
and I've got a tale to tell.
4
00:00:26,583 --> 00:00:31,208
In the very near future,
things have all gone to hell.
5
00:00:31,208 --> 00:00:35,833
In 2027, it was made illegal
to take drugs or to drink.
6
00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:39,333
A puff, sniff, or sip
will land you straight in the clink.
7
00:00:40,167 --> 00:00:43,708
Except for one night,
The Binge, as it's known,
8
00:00:43,708 --> 00:00:47,875
where it's perfectly legal
to get drunk, high, or stoned.
9
00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:51,833
But something else happened
that no one could anticipate.
10
00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:56,042
Spending Christmas with family sober
would make you irate.
11
00:00:56,042 --> 00:00:58,625
So this year they did
what you wouldn't believe.
12
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:02,000
They brilliantly moved
The Binge to Christmas Eve.
13
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:05,958
So grab some mistletoe, kids,
and prepare to get hyped.
14
00:01:05,958 --> 00:01:07,833
A Merry Bingemas to all,
15
00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:10,667
and may you all suck it down pipe!
16
00:01:10,667 --> 00:01:16,083
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our holiday blowout!
17
00:01:16,083 --> 00:01:17,333
You know our motto,
18
00:01:17,333 --> 00:01:20,417
"When you've literally got
nowhere else to go, come here!"
19
00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:23,333
♪ Chester ♪
[kids cheering]
20
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,917
♪ Chip Chester ♪
21
00:01:27,292 --> 00:01:30,417
♪ Clap, clap, clap
clap, clap your hands ♪
22
00:01:33,292 --> 00:01:34,500
♪ Everybody ♪
23
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:36,625
♪ Now dr-dr-dr-drop it low ♪
24
00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:38,333
♪ intense electronic dance music playing ♪
25
00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:40,208
♪ Throw your hands in the air ♪
26
00:01:40,208 --> 00:01:41,125
♪ Chip Chester ♪
27
00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:43,042
♪ And drop your hands to the beat ♪
28
00:01:43,042 --> 00:01:44,625
♪ Chip Chester ♪
29
00:01:44,625 --> 00:01:46,625
♪ Drop your hands, motherfucker ♪
30
00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:47,625
♪ Motherfucker ♪
31
00:01:47,625 --> 00:01:50,917
♪ Drop your motherfuckin' hands ♪
32
00:01:50,917 --> 00:01:53,042
[kids cheering]
33
00:01:53,042 --> 00:01:54,583
♪ Chip Chester ♪
34
00:01:55,875 --> 00:01:58,375
♪ Drop your hands, motherfuckers ♪
35
00:01:59,125 --> 00:02:00,917
♪ Chip Chester ♪
36
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:02,875
[music stops]
37
00:02:02,875 --> 00:02:06,083
[mic feedback whines]
[kids gasping]
38
00:02:06,083 --> 00:02:08,167
♪ suspenseful music playing ♪
39
00:02:08,167 --> 00:02:09,417
♪ Ooh ♪
40
00:02:09,417 --> 00:02:10,750
♪ Ee-ooh ♪
41
00:02:11,625 --> 00:02:13,167
♪ Ooh ♪
42
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,292
♪ Ee-ooh ♪
43
00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:17,750
- He's a fake!
44
00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:20,042
[kids screaming]
45
00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:26,167
♪ Drop your hands ♪
46
00:02:26,167 --> 00:02:28,958
[slow-motion voice yelling]
47
00:02:28,958 --> 00:02:31,417
♪ Drop your hands to the beat ♪
48
00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:34,417
[slow-motion scream echoing]
49
00:02:40,292 --> 00:02:43,917
♪ triumphant music playing ♪
50
00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:46,583
- Oh, y'all are in trouble now.
51
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,875
- Merry Christmas, motherfuckers.
52
00:02:49,375 --> 00:02:51,583
[people gasping]
53
00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:56,042
[slow-motion scream echoing]
54
00:02:56,875 --> 00:03:02,250
♪ Joy to the world, the Lord has come ♪
55
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,042
♪ Let earth ♪
56
00:03:05,042 --> 00:03:08,542
♪ Receive... ♪
57
00:03:08,542 --> 00:03:10,667
♪ Joy to the world ♪
58
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:16,417
♪ The Lord has come ♪
59
00:03:16,417 --> 00:03:19,750
- ♪ Ooh, we're gonna get high
Gonna get baked ♪
60
00:03:19,750 --> 00:03:21,917
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
61
00:03:21,917 --> 00:03:23,958
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
62
00:03:23,958 --> 00:03:26,083
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
63
00:03:26,083 --> 00:03:27,083
♪ Have some 'shrooms... ♪
64
00:03:27,083 --> 00:03:29,000
- I can't believe they fired us
on Christmas.
65
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,458
- Fired? [scoffs] They weren't paying me.
66
00:03:31,458 --> 00:03:32,500
- What?
67
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,458
- Yeah. I never actually worked there.
68
00:03:34,458 --> 00:03:36,250
You know, I just showed up
whenever you had a shift.
69
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,917
Nobody really ever said anything.
70
00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:39,583
- Andrew, I've been meaning
to tell you something.
71
00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:42,500
- Oh, look, they're selling
those Special Binge Advent calendars!
72
00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:44,625
I heard they have this explosive ketamine
73
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,625
that makes you Freaky Friday
with whoever you're with.
74
00:03:46,625 --> 00:03:47,833
Full body swap!
75
00:03:47,833 --> 00:03:49,542
- Andrew, I'm not binging tonight.
76
00:03:49,542 --> 00:03:51,042
- We don't have to Freaky Friday
if you don't want,
77
00:03:51,042 --> 00:03:52,500
but come on, man, we gotta binge!
78
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,583
- I know, bro, but can you keep something
between you and me?
79
00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:55,708
- Absolutely.
80
00:03:56,292 --> 00:03:57,417
- I'm proposing.
81
00:03:57,417 --> 00:03:59,917
- What? Really?
- Sarah's the love of my life.
82
00:03:59,917 --> 00:04:01,500
And I'm going over
to her dad's house today
83
00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:02,792
to ask him for permission.
84
00:04:02,792 --> 00:04:04,167
- [loudly] My boy's getting married!
85
00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:06,500
- Shh. Andrew. Keep that on the low,
all right?
86
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,542
- Sorry. I just can't contain myself.
87
00:04:08,542 --> 00:04:10,167
- [whispers] I'm getting married.
- [whispers] Getting married.
88
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,000
- I'm getting married.
- Look at you, man.
89
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,750
My sweet baby boy, all grown up!
90
00:04:14,750 --> 00:04:16,583
- By the way, you and Kimmi are next.
91
00:04:17,208 --> 00:04:18,292
Okay.
92
00:04:22,375 --> 00:04:24,333
- ♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters ♪
93
00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:30,333
♪ Is we get so fucking high ♪
94
00:04:30,333 --> 00:04:36,333
♪ I'm gonna get so fucking high ♪
95
00:04:36,333 --> 00:04:38,500
WOMAN:
And so another Christmas comes to pass
96
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:42,125
and we all snuggle around the fire
with our loved ones.
97
00:04:42,125 --> 00:04:46,333
May our smiles be wide,
and our hearts be full,
98
00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:47,833
and our mi--
[glass shatters]
99
00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:48,792
My God!
100
00:04:48,792 --> 00:04:50,958
- Sorry, Mayor.
I was saving it for The Binge later.
101
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,083
It slipped outta my pocket.
102
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:54,125
- Come here.
- Okay.
103
00:04:54,125 --> 00:04:55,375
MAYOR SPENGLER:
Stop the work, please.
104
00:04:56,375 --> 00:04:58,333
[loudly] Hold the work, please!
105
00:04:58,750 --> 00:04:59,875
I must be confused.
106
00:04:59,875 --> 00:05:03,708
By my calculations,
The Binge doesn't start for seven hours.
107
00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:07,125
You do understand that the punishment
for having an open bottle
108
00:05:07,125 --> 00:05:12,125
before The Binge begins
is up to 25 years in prison, yes?
109
00:05:12,125 --> 00:05:13,375
- Ma'am, please.
110
00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:15,333
I have a family.
111
00:05:15,333 --> 00:05:16,375
MAYOR SPENGLER:
Mm-hmm.
112
00:05:16,375 --> 00:05:17,542
- And it's Christmas.
113
00:05:17,542 --> 00:05:18,542
- See what else he has.
114
00:05:18,542 --> 00:05:19,750
- My pleasure.
115
00:05:22,292 --> 00:05:23,542
- Ouch.
- Drugs.
116
00:05:24,208 --> 00:05:25,500
- Will you looky there?
117
00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,750
This is my town,
and I am not going to stand by
118
00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:33,000
and let a time-honored event
like Winter Wonderland be destroyed
119
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,833
because you all
wanna do a bunch of slamballs
120
00:05:35,833 --> 00:05:37,250
out of Frosty's hole!
121
00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:38,667
- Frosty's hole?
122
00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:42,667
- F-F-F-F-F-Frosty's hole?
Did I stutter?
123
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:44,917
- Just now when you were mocking me
or previously?
124
00:05:46,167 --> 00:05:47,583
- Shoot that man. In his face.
125
00:05:47,583 --> 00:05:48,500
GUARD:
I can't do that.
126
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:50,125
- Two in the kneecaps then. Make it quick.
127
00:05:50,125 --> 00:05:51,417
GUARD:
They don't even give me a gun.
128
00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:52,500
MAYOR SPENGLER:
Oh, my God!
129
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,792
You're making me feel like
maybe I'm the crazy one!
130
00:05:54,792 --> 00:05:55,875
Arrest him!
131
00:05:55,875 --> 00:05:56,958
- You're under arrest.
132
00:05:56,958 --> 00:05:59,375
- Your mom is truly terrifying.
133
00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:03,125
- Yeah, she's in the middle
of a nervous breakdown or something.
134
00:06:03,125 --> 00:06:05,333
- Does anybody else wanna binge?
135
00:06:05,333 --> 00:06:08,500
- Where are we binging tonight?
Chili's? Whackadoodles?
136
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:11,417
I heard Bed, Bath & Beyond
is doing something in the Beyond area.
137
00:06:11,417 --> 00:06:14,167
- Aren't we past all that binge stuff?
138
00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:15,958
It's a little immature.
139
00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:18,125
Can-- Can you follow the snow path?
140
00:06:18,125 --> 00:06:22,042
It's a-- It's a valley.
It has-- It has to flow a certain way.
141
00:06:22,625 --> 00:06:23,708
- Are you serious right now?
142
00:06:23,708 --> 00:06:27,208
- Anyway, I kinda have
to be here to help my mom.
143
00:06:27,875 --> 00:06:30,000
SARAH:
What is she doing with that owl?
144
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,958
KIMMI: [scoffs] She wants it to be like
a Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil thing
145
00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:35,917
that brings people into town.
146
00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:37,292
- I hate that so much.
147
00:06:38,125 --> 00:06:41,417
- It's me and you, kid,
bringing back Christmas.
148
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:44,583
SEB:
Can't binge on an empty stomach.
149
00:06:44,583 --> 00:06:46,042
Let's plop something on.
150
00:06:46,042 --> 00:06:48,042
DAKOTA: I'm not doing that.
SEB: Just plop it.
151
00:06:48,042 --> 00:06:49,583
DAKOTA:
Stop telling me to plop it.
152
00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:50,625
SEB:
Plop it.
153
00:06:52,583 --> 00:06:54,208
ANDREW: Hey, hey!
- What up, bro?
154
00:06:54,208 --> 00:06:56,750
- Merry Christmas.
SEB: Merry Christmas, bro.
155
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,208
ANDREW:
I got you something, man.
156
00:06:58,208 --> 00:06:59,333
- What's that? Is that for me?
157
00:06:59,333 --> 00:07:01,208
ANDREW: That's for you, man.
- Get the fuck outta here!
158
00:07:01,208 --> 00:07:02,833
- [chuckles] Put it on. Put it on.
159
00:07:02,833 --> 00:07:04,333
SEB:
"Best Brother Ever!"
160
00:07:04,333 --> 00:07:06,042
- Hey, Dakota, this is for you.
161
00:07:06,833 --> 00:07:08,042
There was a two-fer.
162
00:07:08,458 --> 00:07:09,583
- I hate you so much.
163
00:07:09,583 --> 00:07:10,875
SEB:
Babe, we talked about this.
164
00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:12,458
What did we say about
being nicer to my brother?
165
00:07:12,458 --> 00:07:13,958
DAKOTA:
I can't! Look at him.
166
00:07:13,958 --> 00:07:15,167
Look at all that up there.
167
00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:17,208
And all that in the middle part.
168
00:07:18,042 --> 00:07:19,958
- My face and my body?
DAKOTA: Yeah.
169
00:07:19,958 --> 00:07:21,625
- Just be nice to him.
- No.
170
00:07:21,625 --> 00:07:25,625
- [gasps] I thought
I heard someone come in,
171
00:07:25,625 --> 00:07:29,792
and you must be Andrew.
172
00:07:29,792 --> 00:07:31,292
- Wait, who the fuck is this?
173
00:07:31,292 --> 00:07:35,250
- Andrew, I'm Craig, your mom's new lover.
174
00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:37,542
- You're... banging my mom?
175
00:07:37,542 --> 00:07:42,083
- Your mother and I
are intimate together, yes.
176
00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:46,125
And we have a very special relationship.
177
00:07:46,792 --> 00:07:52,500
And, Andrew, I don't think
you should be threatened at all by me
178
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:56,583
or my relationship with your mother.
179
00:07:56,583 --> 00:07:58,042
ANDREW:
Are you kidding me with this fucking guy?
180
00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,292
What the hell is going on?
181
00:07:59,292 --> 00:08:02,875
- I am so excited
to be spending the holiday
182
00:08:02,875 --> 00:08:05,083
with you and your family.
183
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:06,333
- Get the fuck outta here!
184
00:08:06,333 --> 00:08:09,625
- [giggles]
I love a family that goofs around.
185
00:08:09,625 --> 00:08:11,083
I'm into it. [continues giggling]
186
00:08:11,083 --> 00:08:13,167
- I'm not so sure
you're gonna like Christmas with us.
187
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:15,708
[smoke alarm beeping]
- [yelling] Can you guys
shut the fuck up, please?
188
00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:17,667
Andrew, what the hell
took you so long to get home?
189
00:08:18,250 --> 00:08:21,000
- [yelling] I was getting presents, Mom!
What the fuck?
190
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,125
- The only present I ever got
was the human papillomavirus
191
00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:26,417
from a retired jockey in Ronkonkoma!
192
00:08:26,417 --> 00:08:28,292
- Nobody wants to hear
your fucking stories!
193
00:08:28,292 --> 00:08:29,625
- Actually, I kind of do.
194
00:08:29,625 --> 00:08:31,583
- Will you shut the fuck up, Craig?
195
00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:33,833
- Don't you tell my Craig to shut up!
196
00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:37,875
- I will burn this house to the ground
and make it look like a fucking accident!
197
00:08:37,875 --> 00:08:39,833
- You're upsetting Craig
with all the yelling!
198
00:08:39,833 --> 00:08:42,042
He is a very sensitive man!
199
00:08:42,042 --> 00:08:44,375
- I apologize. I apologize all around.
200
00:08:44,375 --> 00:08:47,000
- Don't apologize!
How many times have I told you?
201
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,125
- I'm not sorry for anything.
202
00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:50,000
- You're not sorry?
- You're not sorry for anything?
203
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,583
Are you fucking kidding me? Are you crazy?
204
00:08:51,583 --> 00:08:53,000
- What kind of person are you?
205
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,708
- I'm indifferent.
I'm just Indifferent Craig.
206
00:08:55,708 --> 00:08:57,750
- Indifferent Craig, fix this!
207
00:08:57,750 --> 00:09:00,208
- Oh, I'll put a cinnamon glaze on it.
208
00:09:00,208 --> 00:09:03,208
♪ Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major playing ♪
209
00:09:19,583 --> 00:09:21,917
- Mr. Martin! Good to see you, sir.
210
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,292
- Nice of you to dress up, Hags.
211
00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:27,667
- Uh, w-- what are you working on?
212
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:30,542
- Ah, it's a little thing I've been
working on for the past two years.
213
00:09:31,542 --> 00:09:34,667
- Wow, sir! You have quite the talent.
214
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:35,500
- Yeah.
215
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:38,208
- I mean, this is basically
a flawless gingerbread man.
216
00:09:38,208 --> 00:09:40,083
- It's a self-portrait.
- Really?
217
00:09:40,083 --> 00:09:42,292
What an amazing piece.
- Thank you.
218
00:09:42,292 --> 00:09:45,250
- Next up, can you sculpt me
like one of your French girls?
219
00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:49,500
You know, like in Titanic.
220
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:53,958
- The shipwreck in 1912
that killed 1,500 innocent people?
221
00:09:53,958 --> 00:09:55,042
That Titanic?
222
00:09:55,542 --> 00:09:56,875
- I meant the movie.
223
00:09:56,875 --> 00:10:01,583
- You know as well as I do,
movies are just pictures with sound.
224
00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:04,375
- Uh, well, I'm happy you're out here
225
00:10:04,375 --> 00:10:05,958
'cause I wanted
to talk to you about something.
226
00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:08,833
You know, um,
Sarah and I have been dating each other
227
00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:11,125
for about three and a half years now.
- You're a good kid, Hags.
228
00:10:11,125 --> 00:10:14,167
I know it's been hard holding off
being intimate with my daughter.
229
00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:15,625
- Yeah, right. [laughs]
230
00:10:17,333 --> 00:10:18,833
Yeah, right!
231
00:10:18,833 --> 00:10:21,042
Yeah-- Yeah, we're waiting until marriage.
232
00:10:21,042 --> 00:10:23,000
We might even wait
a couple years after marriage.
233
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,375
We could just
love each other from a distance.
234
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,708
But since you brought up marriage though,
235
00:10:27,708 --> 00:10:30,458
uh, I wanted to ask you, Mr. Martin--
236
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:33,250
- Oh, no, please.
Mr. Martin was my father.
237
00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:34,250
I'm Dr. Martin.
238
00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:36,208
One of the first things
I learned in medical school
239
00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:39,167
is how to cut through the bone
cleanly and swiftly.
240
00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:40,167
- You're a foot doctor.
241
00:10:40,167 --> 00:10:42,458
- Feet have bones, Hags!
242
00:10:42,458 --> 00:10:45,083
That's the second thing
I learned in medical school.
243
00:10:45,083 --> 00:10:46,500
Let me show you.
[chainsaw buzzing]
244
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,500
- Please don't.
245
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,708
- Hags hasn't been Hags lately.
246
00:10:51,708 --> 00:10:53,667
He's been acting, like, super weird.
247
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:55,292
Has Andrew said anything about him?
248
00:10:55,292 --> 00:10:59,333
- Andrew and I had a conscious uncoupling.
249
00:10:59,333 --> 00:11:01,792
- How is this the first time
I'm hearing about this?
250
00:11:01,792 --> 00:11:04,167
- Well, we haven't really talked
since I've been away at college.
251
00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:06,625
And to be honest,
as insufferable as my mom is,
252
00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:08,875
she did offer to give me a job.
253
00:11:08,875 --> 00:11:12,667
And she thinks
that Andrew could ruin her image,
254
00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:15,083
mainly his two dads.
255
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:17,542
- So what?
Literally, everyone's parents are gay now.
256
00:11:17,542 --> 00:11:19,875
If anything, I think
that'll help her win the election.
257
00:11:19,875 --> 00:11:22,750
- No, like, he literally has two dads.
258
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:25,167
He's a twin from two separate fathers.
259
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:26,458
It's-- It's actually pretty common.
260
00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:29,542
His mom had sex with two men
in a short window of time
261
00:11:29,542 --> 00:11:31,583
who got her pregnant at the same time.
262
00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:34,333
Like a Rube Goldberg system
of having sex...
263
00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,333
- Gross.
- ...where the egg gets
knocked into one or another,
264
00:11:36,333 --> 00:11:38,250
and then you get two
for the price of one, even if...
265
00:11:38,250 --> 00:11:40,375
HECTOR:
Eyyy! Is that Andrew I hear?
266
00:11:41,458 --> 00:11:42,667
Merry Christmas, son.
267
00:11:42,667 --> 00:11:43,833
- Merry Christmas, Dad.
268
00:11:45,583 --> 00:11:47,750
[speaking Spanish]
269
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:51,375
- Dad? Did someone say my name?
270
00:11:51,375 --> 00:11:52,750
- No, nobody said your name.
271
00:11:52,750 --> 00:11:55,708
- If I remember correctly,
it's almost time for me and your brother
272
00:11:55,708 --> 00:11:59,125
to make you eat
all the tinsel off the Christmas tree.
273
00:11:59,542 --> 00:12:00,625
ANDREW:
I-- I haven't--
274
00:12:00,625 --> 00:12:03,167
I haven't eaten all the tinsel
from the Christmas tree in-- in years.
275
00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:06,083
- Well, I think
it's always sad to see a tradition die.
276
00:12:06,083 --> 00:12:09,292
But The Binge starts in two hours,
277
00:12:09,292 --> 00:12:14,125
and I'm gonna get ass up
on this motherfuckin' dale, dale!
278
00:12:14,125 --> 00:12:17,708
[laughs] Whipping up a batch
of my world-famous nog.
279
00:12:17,708 --> 00:12:18,792
[Andrew retching]
280
00:12:18,792 --> 00:12:23,125
Hopefully, Hector doesn't puke
on the pussycat again.
281
00:12:23,125 --> 00:12:24,958
- You know that cat ran away.
282
00:12:24,958 --> 00:12:26,417
- See what you did, Hector?
283
00:12:26,417 --> 00:12:29,958
- You know I have
a lactose intolerance, Rigo.
284
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,750
- Oh, yeah. Hector,
that excuse ain't gonna fly on The Binge.
285
00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:34,917
Tonight, all the rules are out the window!
286
00:12:34,917 --> 00:12:38,083
- That's not really
how irritable bowel syndrome works.
287
00:12:38,083 --> 00:12:41,833
- Well, then I guess you're gonna
shit your pants at the dinner table.
288
00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:43,542
- I guess I am.
289
00:12:43,542 --> 00:12:46,917
- Oh. My. God.
290
00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:49,375
- Kimberly! Kimberly, come. Hurry up.
291
00:12:50,125 --> 00:12:54,542
Okay, ladies.
Ears open, mouths closed, eyes wide.
292
00:12:54,542 --> 00:12:55,958
- What should we do with our noses?
293
00:12:55,958 --> 00:12:57,542
- Flared and proud, Sarah.
294
00:12:57,542 --> 00:12:59,417
[owl hooting]
- That owl is freaking me out.
295
00:12:59,417 --> 00:13:01,750
What does an owl even have
to do with Christmas anyway?
296
00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:04,833
- I've got a hunch a similar thing
was said about bunnies and Easter,
297
00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:07,333
but we all collectively seem
to have moved past it.
298
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:08,167
Have we not?
299
00:13:09,167 --> 00:13:10,875
- I guess.
- You guessed right!
300
00:13:10,875 --> 00:13:13,458
And do not play games with me,
not tonight,
301
00:13:13,458 --> 00:13:16,750
because I am not Hasbro,
and this ain't Monopoly.
302
00:13:16,750 --> 00:13:20,458
You will be Sorry and in Trouble
303
00:13:20,458 --> 00:13:23,042
if you mess with my Operation.
304
00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:25,000
- [softly] She loves board games.
305
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,333
It's, like, her only frame of reference.
- I'm getting that.
306
00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:30,417
- Girls, it is only one short month
away from the election,
307
00:13:30,417 --> 00:13:32,708
and we need to remind this town
of who they are.
308
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:34,917
Our brand is family values.
309
00:13:34,917 --> 00:13:38,167
Now I've already confiscated drugs
from the disgusting help that works here.
310
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:41,000
And Channel 7 will be doing
a redemption piece on me.
311
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,000
The Mayor who defied all odds.
312
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,750
The Mayor who brought down The Binge,
313
00:13:44,750 --> 00:13:48,667
and brought Christmas and tourism back
314
00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:52,667
with the magical help
of the Christmas Owl.
315
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:55,875
[cage clatters]
[people clamoring]
316
00:13:55,875 --> 00:13:59,000
Shh, shh, shh, shh!
Nobody move. Nobody move.
317
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,125
If I call it, it will come to me.
318
00:14:02,625 --> 00:14:03,833
[rolls tongue]
319
00:14:05,833 --> 00:14:07,750
[rolls tongue]
320
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:13,417
[owl screeches]
[people screaming]
321
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:15,625
Someone get it! Get the owl!
- I'm not getting him!
322
00:14:15,625 --> 00:14:17,125
He looked at me
like he had something to prove.
323
00:14:17,125 --> 00:14:18,250
- Shoot this man!
324
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:19,542
- Again, I-- I can't.
325
00:14:19,542 --> 00:14:20,958
[owl screeches]
[people screaming]
326
00:14:21,458 --> 00:14:23,333
[owl screeching]
327
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:25,250
[people clamoring]
328
00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:26,917
- Shit! Kimmi.
- Yes.
329
00:14:26,917 --> 00:14:29,625
- You have your first task
as not my daughter
330
00:14:29,625 --> 00:14:30,833
but as my employee.
331
00:14:30,833 --> 00:14:32,167
I need that owl back
332
00:14:32,167 --> 00:14:34,958
'cause it really is
the cornerstone of this entire event.
333
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,125
Do you understand?
334
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:38,750
[growling] Go get me my Christmas Owl!
335
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,000
♪ Silent night ♪
336
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:47,042
♪ Holy night ♪
337
00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:51,875
♪ All is calm ♪
338
00:14:51,875 --> 00:14:54,333
♪ All is bright ♪
339
00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:57,208
- Indoor hot tub, Hags.
Just had it installed.
340
00:14:57,208 --> 00:14:58,500
It's absolutely crucial
341
00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:01,167
when the body temperature drops
under 32 like yours did.
342
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:04,333
- Um, whose bathing suit am I in?
343
00:15:04,917 --> 00:15:06,583
- I popped you into one of mine.
344
00:15:08,458 --> 00:15:12,000
- So, uh, you wanna turn on
the bubbles or nothing?
345
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,792
- No, no. I like to be able
to see right through to the bottom.
346
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,667
Too many mysteries in those bubbles.
347
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:22,375
So I think you were gonna ask me
if you could marry my daughter.
348
00:15:22,375 --> 00:15:24,500
- Yes! No, that's exactly right!
349
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:27,292
I mean, if-- if I have your blessing,
if that's all right with you.
350
00:15:27,292 --> 00:15:28,833
And her. Is she okay?
351
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:32,333
- Yeah. That's Grandma Ray.
She has nocturnal lagophthalmos.
352
00:15:32,333 --> 00:15:34,833
She sleeps with her eyes open.
She always has.
353
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,375
[Grandma Ray snoring]
354
00:15:36,375 --> 00:15:37,375
- Right.
355
00:15:38,792 --> 00:15:41,042
- You know, Sarah's all I got.
356
00:15:41,042 --> 00:15:44,583
I was adopted just like her,
and my mother before me.
357
00:15:44,583 --> 00:15:46,417
It's part of our family ethos
358
00:15:46,417 --> 00:15:50,083
to bring together love
from all different walks of life.
359
00:15:50,958 --> 00:15:53,083
And that all culminates on Christmas.
360
00:15:53,083 --> 00:15:54,458
- Man, that is beautiful.
361
00:15:54,458 --> 00:15:57,125
[Grandma Ray yells]
362
00:15:57,125 --> 00:15:59,833
- Night terrors.
Just ignore it, she's fine.
363
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:04,417
[Grandma Ray yells, snores]
364
00:16:04,417 --> 00:16:05,417
- Okay.
365
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,708
I-- I mean, sir, you know,
Sarah and I are really just--
366
00:16:08,708 --> 00:16:11,792
[Grandma Ray groans]
367
00:16:12,458 --> 00:16:13,958
- Don't stare at her, please.
368
00:16:13,958 --> 00:16:15,458
[Grandma Ray yells]
369
00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:18,125
- Sir, if she's asleep, how will she know?
370
00:16:18,125 --> 00:16:19,792
- Do you wanna marry Sarah,
371
00:16:19,792 --> 00:16:22,125
or do you want to talk about Grandma Ray?
372
00:16:22,125 --> 00:16:24,250
- That's exactly--
I would love to marry your daughter.
373
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,083
- Mm-hmm.
374
00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:27,833
- I know Sarah and I
are both a little stuck in our ways,
375
00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:30,875
but I-- I-- I'm starting
to notice our friends move on
376
00:16:30,875 --> 00:16:32,750
to the next phases of their lives,
377
00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:36,458
and... I think we're ready to do that too.
378
00:16:36,458 --> 00:16:37,625
Uh-- You know what? No.
379
00:16:38,833 --> 00:16:39,833
I know we are.
380
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:43,792
♪ soft poignant music playing ♪
[chuckles]
381
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,167
- [loudly] Mom, wake up!
382
00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:49,625
I think it's time to tell him
the story of the family ring.
383
00:16:50,292 --> 00:16:51,958
GRANDMA RAY:
Yes.
384
00:16:51,958 --> 00:16:55,208
♪ soft ethereal music playing ♪
385
00:16:56,208 --> 00:17:01,375
A jeweled kaleidoscope of different eras,
cultures, and love sagas,
386
00:17:01,875 --> 00:17:04,458
originally etched
by my great-great-grandfather
387
00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:08,125
who was the bastard child
of a wild-eyed blacksmith
388
00:17:08,125 --> 00:17:11,167
and a legless courtesan
during the Ottoman Empire.
389
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,667
Formed from the hottest lava
in the hills of Ganesh.
390
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:18,917
There was a tradition that
every time the ring was passed down,
391
00:17:18,917 --> 00:17:20,125
a stone would be added.
392
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,167
Well, she eventually added a ruby
393
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:26,417
and passed it down to her daughter,
my great-grandmother,
394
00:17:26,417 --> 00:17:30,500
who was the first woman soldier
to fight in the Zaraniq Rebellion.
395
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:35,000
The ring was quickly lost
in a hail of gunpowder and smoke.
396
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,667
She buried the ring
in her baby daughter's blanket
397
00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:40,542
and ran back
into the war zone, ready to die!
398
00:17:40,542 --> 00:17:43,458
- This is important.
Don't miss this next five minutes.
399
00:17:43,458 --> 00:17:47,917
- That baby was raised by zebras
in what was then British East Africa
400
00:17:47,917 --> 00:17:50,375
and grew up to be my grandmother
401
00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:53,333
who was eventually adopted
by a nice East Coast family.
402
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,042
Thus began the long line of adoptions.
403
00:17:57,708 --> 00:18:00,833
Well, she went on to marry
a longshoreman in Northern New Jersey
404
00:18:00,833 --> 00:18:02,167
with gout of the hands.
405
00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:04,000
Fearful that the ring
will be taken from her,
406
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,250
she hid it in the body
of a six-foot rainbow trout
407
00:18:07,250 --> 00:18:10,000
that her husband had brought home
the morning before he went missing.
408
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:15,583
That ring stayed in the carcass
of that frozen fish for nearly four years,
409
00:18:15,583 --> 00:18:18,792
and now, I bestow it to you.
410
00:18:18,792 --> 00:18:21,125
The legend-- unbelievable.
411
00:18:21,917 --> 00:18:24,167
The smell-- intolerable.
412
00:18:25,125 --> 00:18:27,917
And now it's yours
to make your own story with.
413
00:18:27,917 --> 00:18:28,833
Here, catch.
414
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:30,042
[ring plunks]
415
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,042
- Uh-oh.
416
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:33,667
Right there.
417
00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:37,208
- Got it.
- Good.
418
00:18:37,208 --> 00:18:39,083
- Yeah, I see why
you keep the bubbles off now.
419
00:18:39,083 --> 00:18:40,375
- Now you're starting to get it, Hags.
420
00:18:40,375 --> 00:18:41,792
- Yes, sir.
421
00:18:41,792 --> 00:18:43,208
You know, that was an amazing story--
422
00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:45,333
- Uh... don't even bother.
She's conked out.
423
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,042
[Grandma Ray coos]
424
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:48,417
Welcome to the family, son.
425
00:18:48,417 --> 00:18:50,000
- Oh, thank you, sir.
426
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,333
SARAH:
Ew!
427
00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:53,000
What the fuck is happening here?
428
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,292
Why are you guys in the hot tub?
429
00:18:54,292 --> 00:18:55,917
- Um, Sarah, I can explain.
430
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:57,083
I'm just bonding time--
431
00:18:57,083 --> 00:18:58,625
- Hags, keep your voice down.
My grandma's sleeping.
432
00:18:58,625 --> 00:19:00,583
- Okay, babe,
can you just grab me a towel?
433
00:19:00,583 --> 00:19:03,125
- No! Don't waste the towel.
434
00:19:03,125 --> 00:19:04,708
Wipe yourself off on the carpet.
435
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:05,625
That's what it's there for.
436
00:19:05,625 --> 00:19:07,167
- Do not roll around on my carpet.
437
00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:10,167
- This is my house.
Roll around on the carpet, please.
438
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:11,500
- Stop carpet drying!
439
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,042
SARAH'S DAD:
Roll around. Do it!
440
00:19:13,042 --> 00:19:13,833
[Grandma Ray yells]
441
00:19:13,833 --> 00:19:17,792
♪ "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" playing ♪
442
00:19:18,833 --> 00:19:23,375
♪ Jolly old St. Nicholas,
lean your ear this way... ♪
443
00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:25,458
- Merry Christmas, everybody!
444
00:19:25,458 --> 00:19:27,333
Hey, kids! Merry Christmas!
445
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,583
♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon... ♪
446
00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:31,917
[owl screeches]
447
00:19:31,917 --> 00:19:34,167
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
448
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:37,333
Oh, fuck! Motherfucking owl!
[screams]
449
00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:39,167
[thuds]
[all screaming]
450
00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:41,250
Ooh! [gasps]
451
00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:44,458
- Hey, Merry Christmas!
452
00:19:45,292 --> 00:19:46,458
- Merry Christmas.
453
00:19:46,458 --> 00:19:49,292
- Uh, yeah, good to see ya.
Ho-ho-ho!
454
00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:53,125
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
455
00:19:53,875 --> 00:19:56,625
- Uncle Kris? What are you doing here?
456
00:19:56,625 --> 00:19:57,625
UNCLE KRIS:
Hey, Kimmi!
457
00:19:57,625 --> 00:19:59,417
I'm here to restore
the magic of Christmas.
458
00:20:00,083 --> 00:20:01,792
- I actually go by Kimberly now.
459
00:20:01,792 --> 00:20:04,667
- Oh. Yeah, of course. So mature.
460
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:07,333
Man, so much has changed
since I've been in the North Pole.
461
00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:09,167
- You mean state prison?
462
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,333
- Well, it-- it is 30 miles north of here.
463
00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:13,750
- Are you okay?
464
00:20:13,750 --> 00:20:15,875
- Are you kidding? It's Christmas Eve!
465
00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:16,875
I'm better than ever!
466
00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:18,625
But my legs
are starting to get kinda tingly.
467
00:20:18,625 --> 00:20:19,958
Oh, just, ooh!
[bones crunching]
468
00:20:19,958 --> 00:20:20,667
[all screaming]
469
00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:23,167
- Oh, wow! Okay! Wow!
470
00:20:23,167 --> 00:20:25,375
- You spend a lot of time
on black ice, climbing roofs,
471
00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:27,792
trying to put presents in a chimney,
472
00:20:27,792 --> 00:20:29,917
yeah, you learn a little bit
about pain, you know?
473
00:20:29,917 --> 00:20:32,500
- Yeah. Un-- Uncle Kris,
can I ask you a serious question?
474
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,250
And can you be 100% honest with me?
475
00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:36,625
- Of course. Absolutely.
476
00:20:36,625 --> 00:20:39,292
- Did you break out of jail
and steal that squad car?
477
00:20:39,833 --> 00:20:41,417
UNCLE KRIS:
No, that's my Uber.
478
00:20:41,417 --> 00:20:42,750
Yeah, you got five stars, Rick!
479
00:20:43,958 --> 00:20:45,708
All right, yeah, I stole the car, okay?
480
00:20:45,708 --> 00:20:47,458
But it doesn't matter
because The Binge is on,
481
00:20:47,458 --> 00:20:49,125
and everyone's excited
about Christmas again!
482
00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:51,542
- Uncle Kris, I really think
I should take you back to jail.
483
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,833
You're gonna be in so much trouble,
and-- and my mom is gonna kill us.
484
00:20:54,833 --> 00:20:57,917
- I'll go back to jail
in the morning, I promise.
485
00:20:57,917 --> 00:21:00,917
But tonight, it's about family, all right?
486
00:21:01,417 --> 00:21:03,500
And now we gotta
fix this old leg of mine.
487
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:05,917
All right? I need your help, okay?
KIMMI: Yeah, okay.
488
00:21:05,917 --> 00:21:06,917
- Yeah.
489
00:21:07,917 --> 00:21:09,250
Yeah, just treat it like a gear shift.
490
00:21:09,250 --> 00:21:10,708
Like a Miata.
491
00:21:11,208 --> 00:21:12,833
All right, go for it.
[bones crunching]
492
00:21:12,833 --> 00:21:14,583
[people screaming]
493
00:21:14,583 --> 00:21:16,875
[grunting]
Is there an old brick lying around?
494
00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:18,250
I'll smash it into place on my own.
495
00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:19,500
You don't have to do anything.
496
00:21:20,917 --> 00:21:24,125
Hey, child, what do you want
under the tree this Christmas?
497
00:21:24,125 --> 00:21:26,792
[bones crunch]
[all screaming]
498
00:21:31,583 --> 00:21:33,083
NEWS ANCHOR:
Ho-ho-ho, indeed!
499
00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:36,125
We are reporting live from outside
of Winter Wonderland
500
00:21:36,125 --> 00:21:38,875
which is set to open in just a few hours.
501
00:21:38,875 --> 00:21:41,042
The trains are running,
children are playing,
502
00:21:41,042 --> 00:21:42,958
but terror lurks.
503
00:21:42,958 --> 00:21:46,708
That's right, the reports of owl attacks
have been on the rise.
504
00:21:46,708 --> 00:21:48,292
Many are blaming Mayor Spengler
505
00:21:48,292 --> 00:21:51,417
for releasing a bloodthirsty owl
into town.
506
00:21:51,417 --> 00:21:54,792
Residents, we are advising all of you
to duck and take cover
507
00:21:54,792 --> 00:21:58,000
if you hear any sort of
odd rustling sounds.
508
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:02,083
And pet owners, make sure
to lock away any scoopable pets.
509
00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:05,208
It's for their safety and yours.
510
00:22:05,208 --> 00:22:07,083
- This thing is amazing!
511
00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:10,000
You open the first box
when The Binge starts
512
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,208
and then one every hour till it's over.
513
00:22:12,208 --> 00:22:14,500
We're gonna be so fucked.
514
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:17,583
- So, babe, what are you thinking
I should wear for dinner tonight?
515
00:22:17,583 --> 00:22:19,125
Should I do a traditional button-down
516
00:22:19,125 --> 00:22:21,125
or... wait a minute,
517
00:22:22,292 --> 00:22:23,792
something a bit more flashy?
518
00:22:23,792 --> 00:22:26,250
- Who cares? You don't see me
stressing about my wardrobe.
519
00:22:26,250 --> 00:22:31,583
- Well, that's 'cause you'll look stunning
in anything you decide to wear.
520
00:22:31,583 --> 00:22:33,292
- All right,
what the hell is wrong with you?
521
00:22:33,292 --> 00:22:35,667
- Huh?
- Everyone is acting so bizarre.
522
00:22:35,667 --> 00:22:37,083
You're planning your Christmas outfits.
523
00:22:37,083 --> 00:22:38,792
My dad's tubbing with you.
524
00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:41,458
Kimmi gets back home from college
and wants to be called Kimberly.
525
00:22:42,417 --> 00:22:46,083
- Well, you know,
maybe we're all just growing up.
526
00:22:47,250 --> 00:22:49,542
- Oh, I know what you're doing.
- You do?
527
00:22:49,542 --> 00:22:51,500
- I actually have
a little Christmas surprise for you.
528
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,625
I was gonna wait till later tonight, but--
529
00:22:53,625 --> 00:22:55,667
- Oh, babe! Thank you!
530
00:22:56,167 --> 00:23:00,083
I can't wait--
Oh! Oh, look at this!
531
00:23:00,083 --> 00:23:01,083
This is...
532
00:23:01,917 --> 00:23:03,375
What is this?
533
00:23:03,375 --> 00:23:05,250
- It's a sex vest.
It's called the Titilator.
534
00:23:05,250 --> 00:23:07,125
You said you wanted to spice things up.
535
00:23:07,125 --> 00:23:08,042
- When did I say that?
536
00:23:08,042 --> 00:23:10,458
I like the current spice level
of our relationship.
537
00:23:10,458 --> 00:23:13,833
- Well I paid $3.99
for the app, so put it on.
538
00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:15,500
- App?
539
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:18,208
Woo! [quivering, moaning]
540
00:23:18,208 --> 00:23:20,208
- Hey, guys, it's almost time to binge.
541
00:23:20,208 --> 00:23:21,250
Let's have a toast.
542
00:23:21,250 --> 00:23:23,875
Toast to purity, respect, and honesty,
543
00:23:23,875 --> 00:23:25,542
the most important things in the world.
544
00:23:25,542 --> 00:23:26,917
- Dad, go away!
545
00:23:26,917 --> 00:23:28,833
- No, see, we should really stop.
What if he hears us?
546
00:23:28,833 --> 00:23:31,000
- He won't hear anything.
I'll just put on some fuck music.
547
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,000
- What kind of music?
548
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,875
SARAH:
Alexa, play fuck music.
549
00:23:33,875 --> 00:23:36,042
HAGS:
Why are you saying that so loud?
550
00:23:36,042 --> 00:23:38,417
ALEXA:
Now playing Sarah's fuck music playlist.
551
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,917
- Hmph. I'm glad to see
funk is making a comeback with the kids.
552
00:23:42,917 --> 00:23:44,375
- Since when are you
so worried about my dad?
553
00:23:44,375 --> 00:23:45,500
He's not gonna come in.
554
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:46,458
- Do you want me to come in?
555
00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:47,625
- No!
- No!
556
00:23:47,625 --> 00:23:50,792
Alexa, turn up the Titilator
to level seven.
557
00:23:50,792 --> 00:23:52,333
ALEXA:
Titilator, level seven.
558
00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:55,458
- [voice shaking]
Okay, Alexa, stop. This is bad.
559
00:23:55,458 --> 00:23:56,958
Oh-oh-oh-oh, this is bad.
560
00:23:56,958 --> 00:23:58,542
ALEXA:
Calling Dad.
561
00:23:58,542 --> 00:24:00,375
HAGS:
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
562
00:24:00,375 --> 00:24:02,625
- Sarah, what are those haunted noises?
563
00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:04,458
Are you guys playing
with the Ouija board again?
564
00:24:04,458 --> 00:24:05,708
- Sarah, Sarah, please.
565
00:24:05,708 --> 00:24:08,542
I can't take anymore,
and your dad's outside.
566
00:24:08,542 --> 00:24:12,542
And what if Santa flies by
and he sees my penis?
567
00:24:12,542 --> 00:24:14,375
- You're saying
you don't wanna have sex with me
568
00:24:14,375 --> 00:24:19,750
because you're afraid that Santa Claus
will fly by the window in the daytime
569
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,167
and see your penis?
570
00:24:21,708 --> 00:24:22,708
- Yes?
571
00:24:23,208 --> 00:24:24,500
- Eight.
- No.
572
00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:26,000
- Nine.
- Why you counting?
573
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,542
- Ten.
[Hags quivering, moaning]
574
00:24:27,542 --> 00:24:30,125
[bells tolling]
575
00:24:30,125 --> 00:24:35,167
♪ Joy to the world, The Binge has come ♪
576
00:24:35,167 --> 00:24:38,792
♪ There's beer,
there's wine, there's drugs ♪
577
00:24:38,792 --> 00:24:40,417
♪ There's lots of drugs ♪
578
00:24:40,417 --> 00:24:43,917
NARRATOR: As the clock struck six,
The Binge began anew,
579
00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:47,500
and the hearts of all families
and children grew.
580
00:24:47,500 --> 00:24:50,750
And although it may seem
like a good idea to imbibe,
581
00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:55,625
we may soon see the grass
isn't always greener on the other side.
582
00:24:55,625 --> 00:24:59,167
RIGO: [chanting]
Dale! Dale! Dale! Dale!
583
00:24:59,167 --> 00:25:00,917
- That's my girl.
- All right. Okay.
584
00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:03,542
Now let's all go around the table
585
00:25:03,542 --> 00:25:06,375
and say one thing
we are thankful for this year.
586
00:25:06,375 --> 00:25:07,958
- Isn't that like a Thanksgiving?
587
00:25:07,958 --> 00:25:09,000
- Callate!
- Okay.
588
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:14,500
- I just wanna say, I am thankful
for getting the chance to love again.
589
00:25:15,167 --> 00:25:17,708
After Nana passed away, I sort of--
590
00:25:17,708 --> 00:25:19,208
- No one cares about you, Craig.
591
00:25:19,208 --> 00:25:21,250
- [yelling]
Don't you talk to Craig like that!
592
00:25:21,250 --> 00:25:23,708
- Hey, hey, hey!
On Thanksgiving, I talk to whoever I want,
593
00:25:23,708 --> 00:25:25,167
however I want, okay?
594
00:25:25,167 --> 00:25:28,042
- I gotta say,
I'm thankful for this frothy-ass eggnog.
595
00:25:28,042 --> 00:25:29,292
Best batch yet, Pop.
596
00:25:29,292 --> 00:25:31,875
- Which brings me to my next point.
597
00:25:32,875 --> 00:25:35,208
Andy, I hate to break it to you, kid,
598
00:25:35,208 --> 00:25:36,625
but the proof is in the piss.
599
00:25:36,625 --> 00:25:38,500
I ain't your dad, son.
600
00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:39,917
- Rigo, don't start with this shit again!
601
00:25:39,917 --> 00:25:41,542
- Nah, nah, nah. I'm gonna start it.
602
00:25:41,542 --> 00:25:44,125
I paid child support for 18 years,
and I want my money back.
603
00:25:44,125 --> 00:25:45,167
[speaking Spanish]
604
00:25:45,167 --> 00:25:48,875
Hector's obviously his father,
two sad sacks that are afraid of milk.
605
00:25:48,875 --> 00:25:51,917
- We're not afraid of milk.
Our bodies reject it.
606
00:25:51,917 --> 00:25:54,000
- No, you're afraid. You're afrai--
You're-- You're afraid!
607
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,042
- Bro, just drink the eggnog.
You're ruining Christmas again.
608
00:25:56,042 --> 00:25:57,250
ANDREW:
I get diarrhea.
609
00:25:57,250 --> 00:25:59,125
- Diarrhea is just
weakness leaving the body.
610
00:25:59,125 --> 00:26:00,375
- Dale! Tomar!
611
00:26:00,375 --> 00:26:02,833
- Drink the goddamn eggnog!
- Tomar! Tomar!
612
00:26:02,833 --> 00:26:04,125
- Okay, okay.
- I'll do it too.
613
00:26:04,125 --> 00:26:05,125
RIGO:
Tomar!
614
00:26:07,167 --> 00:26:08,167
- Just all the way.
615
00:26:08,750 --> 00:26:12,208
- All right, all right. Shut your top
and bottom holes and let's say grace.
616
00:26:12,208 --> 00:26:14,917
- Grace, my favorite part
of Christmas dinner.
617
00:26:14,917 --> 00:26:17,417
- Dear Lord, we thank you for this food.
618
00:26:17,417 --> 00:26:20,667
Often we forget
about the unadulterated violence
619
00:26:20,667 --> 00:26:22,750
and corruption in the pig industry!
620
00:26:22,750 --> 00:26:25,125
- Oh, may I be excused?
- During grace?
621
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:26,625
- Just let him go, please.
622
00:26:26,625 --> 00:26:28,333
- You think you can come
into this house once a year
623
00:26:28,333 --> 00:26:29,708
and tell me how to raise my kid?
624
00:26:29,708 --> 00:26:30,708
- He's my kid too!
625
00:26:30,708 --> 00:26:32,333
- Ah-ha! It is his!
626
00:26:32,333 --> 00:26:35,000
I just want my money back.
I wanna invest in stocks.
627
00:26:35,750 --> 00:26:37,000
- What do you know about stocks?
628
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,792
- I know I need to put
every dime I have into Titcoin.
629
00:26:39,792 --> 00:26:41,708
- [yelling] What the fuck is Titcoin?
630
00:26:41,708 --> 00:26:45,333
- Universal cryptocurrency
used among strip clubs worldwide,
631
00:26:45,333 --> 00:26:47,792
and I'm getting in
on the ground floor, baby!
632
00:26:47,792 --> 00:26:48,917
- For fuck's sake.
633
00:26:48,917 --> 00:26:50,917
- Andy, spit in this vial.
634
00:26:50,917 --> 00:26:52,667
I'm gonna take your ass
to the Maury Show.
635
00:26:52,667 --> 00:26:54,708
- No.
- Yes.
636
00:26:54,708 --> 00:26:58,208
[chanting "Maury"]
637
00:26:58,208 --> 00:27:01,667
- [yelling] Can't we have one Christmas
where we don't mention Maury?
638
00:27:01,667 --> 00:27:02,500
- [yelling] No!
639
00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:03,542
- Is this still grace?
640
00:27:03,542 --> 00:27:04,958
ANDREW:
May I please be excused?
641
00:27:04,958 --> 00:27:06,792
- You don't wanna
spit in that thing, that's fine.
642
00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:09,292
Stab him in the leg.
We bring his blood to Maury.
643
00:27:09,292 --> 00:27:10,708
Dakota, stab him.
- No.
644
00:27:10,708 --> 00:27:12,208
[Andrew screaming]
645
00:27:12,208 --> 00:27:14,417
- Dakota, goddamn it!
ANDREW: [in a high pitch] Oh, my God!
646
00:27:14,417 --> 00:27:16,417
- Stop it! Just stop it!
647
00:27:16,417 --> 00:27:18,417
I can't take it anymore!
648
00:27:18,417 --> 00:27:20,792
What kind of family is this?
649
00:27:20,792 --> 00:27:26,792
I mean, two dads competing against other?
650
00:27:26,792 --> 00:27:30,708
Force feeding a lactose-intolerant boy?
651
00:27:30,708 --> 00:27:35,500
And-- And-- And Maury? And Titcoin?
652
00:27:36,792 --> 00:27:42,042
Deidre, I love you,
but this is not how people should act.
653
00:27:42,042 --> 00:27:46,500
Now let's all just remember
why we are here.
654
00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:48,083
Family.
655
00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:51,083
♪ rousing music playing ♪
656
00:27:51,083 --> 00:27:52,958
- Shut the fuck up!
- Get the fuck outta here!
657
00:27:52,958 --> 00:27:54,833
[overlapping shouting]
- Family.
658
00:27:54,833 --> 00:27:56,417
- Get outta this fucking house!
659
00:27:56,417 --> 00:27:57,833
[shouting continues]
[Rigo cackles]
660
00:27:57,833 --> 00:28:01,375
[all speaking indistinctly]
661
00:28:02,125 --> 00:28:05,750
- Andrew, you just made
the love of my life leave!
662
00:28:05,750 --> 00:28:06,917
- I made him leave?
663
00:28:06,917 --> 00:28:09,000
- Are you happy?
You ruined the holidays again.
664
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,667
- The world would've been a better place
if you had never been born!
665
00:28:11,667 --> 00:28:13,208
RIGO:
Amen, beautifully said.
666
00:28:13,208 --> 00:28:14,500
Now let's eat.
667
00:28:16,167 --> 00:28:19,000
SARAH'S DAD: I was thinking after dinner,
we could all maybe pop into the hot tub.
668
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,125
SARAH: No one wants
to go in the indoor tub with you.
669
00:28:21,125 --> 00:28:23,125
He makes everyone carpet dry. It's gross.
670
00:28:23,125 --> 00:28:25,625
SARAH'S DAD: I just want us
to take it easy this year at Binge.
671
00:28:25,625 --> 00:28:28,083
I don't want us to be like
the Smiths across the street, okay?
672
00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:32,875
Sarah, did you not just hear me?
673
00:28:35,083 --> 00:28:37,875
- Fourteen centuries of tradition!
674
00:28:37,875 --> 00:28:41,417
A priceless ring etched in lava!
675
00:28:41,417 --> 00:28:43,917
[Grandma Ray yells]
676
00:28:50,542 --> 00:28:54,708
- Did someone say ugly sweater party?
677
00:28:54,708 --> 00:28:57,000
- Hags, I got you that sweater
for your birthday.
678
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,750
It was not meant
to be worn for ugly party purposes.
679
00:28:59,750 --> 00:29:01,833
- Oh! Girl, I know that.
680
00:29:01,833 --> 00:29:03,417
- Take it off.
- What now?
681
00:29:03,417 --> 00:29:05,667
- Take it off if you think it's so ugly!
682
00:29:05,667 --> 00:29:07,042
- I-- I don't think I should.
683
00:29:07,042 --> 00:29:08,500
- My family's waiting!
684
00:29:08,500 --> 00:29:09,792
I'm sorry.
HAGS: All right.
685
00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:12,250
[gasps]
- Wow.
686
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:13,125
SARAH:
What?
687
00:29:14,042 --> 00:29:17,167
Put the sweater back on, Hags,
and sit down.
688
00:29:17,167 --> 00:29:18,125
HAGS:
Sorry, I'm tardy.
689
00:29:18,125 --> 00:29:20,833
Leather vest,
it's just an inside joke we have.
690
00:29:20,833 --> 00:29:22,375
Isn't that right, honey?
SARAH'S DAD: Oh, really?
691
00:29:22,375 --> 00:29:23,375
- [softly] Vest got stuck.
692
00:29:23,375 --> 00:29:24,458
- Why is that funny?
693
00:29:24,458 --> 00:29:28,000
- Oh, I don't think
you'd find it funny, sir.
694
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,417
- I have a sense of humor.
What's the joke?
695
00:29:30,417 --> 00:29:35,000
- Um, well, you know,
so many animals had to die
696
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,083
in order to make
something leather like this,
697
00:29:37,083 --> 00:29:39,417
and it's just so sad.
698
00:29:40,083 --> 00:29:41,917
SARAH'S DAD:
Okay, sad is funny.
699
00:29:41,917 --> 00:29:43,667
I mean, structurally it works,
700
00:29:43,667 --> 00:29:47,250
but the punchline
is ambiguous at the very best.
701
00:29:47,917 --> 00:29:49,708
Fern, Ron, do you find it funny?
702
00:29:51,417 --> 00:29:53,042
- Not funny.
[kids laughing]
703
00:29:53,042 --> 00:29:54,875
- Well, okay, I see the kids get it.
704
00:29:54,875 --> 00:29:56,333
That must be a generational thing.
705
00:29:56,333 --> 00:29:59,042
- No, Hags, they're simply
sensing the tension in the room
706
00:29:59,042 --> 00:30:00,375
and laughing out of discomfort.
707
00:30:02,042 --> 00:30:05,292
[Grandma Ray laughs, snores]
708
00:30:05,292 --> 00:30:07,042
FERN:
Grandma's just sleepwalking.
709
00:30:07,042 --> 00:30:08,750
- I still don't know
when that's happening.
710
00:30:08,750 --> 00:30:09,917
[Grandma Ray yelling]
711
00:30:09,917 --> 00:30:13,750
- Don't be scared, kids.
She has a sonar now, remember?
712
00:30:13,750 --> 00:30:15,708
[Grandma Ray continues yelling]
Just like the bats.
713
00:30:15,708 --> 00:30:17,042
- Just like the bats.
714
00:30:17,042 --> 00:30:18,125
[doorbell rings]
715
00:30:18,125 --> 00:30:22,458
- Ooh. Speaking of bat,
I hope that's not Batman.
716
00:30:22,458 --> 00:30:24,917
[all laughing]
717
00:30:24,917 --> 00:30:29,167
- Now that's what a joke looks like.
You can study from him.
718
00:30:29,167 --> 00:30:31,917
RON: So, Hags, circling back here.
- Sir.
719
00:30:31,917 --> 00:30:37,667
- The joke was that many animals
had to die to make that leather vest?
720
00:30:37,667 --> 00:30:39,500
[phone ringing]
- Uh, sorry, just getting a--
721
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,667
SARAH:
That's inappropriate at the dinner table.
722
00:30:41,667 --> 00:30:43,625
Why don't you go outside
and answer the phone?
723
00:30:44,750 --> 00:30:45,792
[Fern scoffs]
724
00:30:45,792 --> 00:30:47,000
- Andrew, bad timing, man.
725
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:48,500
I just put Sarah's ring
under the tree and--
726
00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:50,042
- Where are you, man? I need you.
727
00:30:50,042 --> 00:30:51,583
My whole family was yelling.
728
00:30:51,583 --> 00:30:53,542
There was
this butter knife incident going on.
729
00:30:53,542 --> 00:30:56,417
- Andrew,
I'm dealing with my own-- Shiiit.
730
00:30:56,417 --> 00:30:58,000
- Hags? Hags!
731
00:30:58,000 --> 00:30:59,417
[line disconnects]
732
00:31:00,708 --> 00:31:01,708
I have no one.
733
00:31:02,708 --> 00:31:05,708
[ship horn blares in distance]
734
00:31:07,375 --> 00:31:08,375
They were right.
735
00:31:09,375 --> 00:31:10,583
They were all right.
736
00:31:19,667 --> 00:31:25,000
[screaming] I wish I was never born!
737
00:31:30,125 --> 00:31:31,458
What the fuck is that?
738
00:31:32,292 --> 00:31:34,333
My God,
that thing's moving at super speed.
739
00:31:35,333 --> 00:31:37,375
No, no. That's not from this world.
740
00:31:37,375 --> 00:31:38,500
That thing's haunted.
741
00:31:39,083 --> 00:31:40,792
Oh, my God, it's coming right at me!
742
00:31:40,792 --> 00:31:43,000
[breathes sharply]
743
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,833
Oh, come on! Come on!
744
00:31:44,833 --> 00:31:46,417
Do it, you son of a--
745
00:31:46,417 --> 00:31:47,708
[talons slicing]
746
00:31:47,708 --> 00:31:51,458
♪ operatic aria playing ♪
747
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:57,417
HAGS:
Grandma Ray, are you okay?
748
00:31:57,417 --> 00:31:59,958
Grandma, if you're sleeping,
I-- I-- I really need you to wake up.
749
00:31:59,958 --> 00:32:01,208
- Ah!
- Jesus!
750
00:32:01,208 --> 00:32:03,333
- Ah, this party's fuckin' dead.
751
00:32:03,333 --> 00:32:08,125
You should've seen the shit
we were into back in the '60s, huh?
752
00:32:08,125 --> 00:32:11,250
The slop-house '60s, we called them. Ah.
753
00:32:11,250 --> 00:32:12,458
HAGS:
I never heard anyone call them that.
754
00:32:12,458 --> 00:32:14,500
Hey, Grandma,
you have a heart condition, all right?
755
00:32:14,500 --> 00:32:15,667
You can't be doing this.
756
00:32:15,667 --> 00:32:19,292
- Eh-- Eh-- Eh-- Eh!
You gotta get in there.
757
00:32:19,292 --> 00:32:20,917
- Oh. No, no, no, no, no.
758
00:32:20,917 --> 00:32:22,667
Everybody's out there
and I just can't, you know--
759
00:32:22,667 --> 00:32:25,875
- Did everybody give you
their wedding ring or did I, huh?
760
00:32:25,875 --> 00:32:27,792
Don't make me regret this, Hanes.
761
00:32:27,792 --> 00:32:29,750
- Hags.
- You wish.
762
00:32:29,750 --> 00:32:31,625
I feel like I'm 76 again.
763
00:32:32,208 --> 00:32:35,417
Ah, the slop-house '70s,
that's what they called 'em.
764
00:32:35,417 --> 00:32:40,500
Here, you better party with me
or I'm gonna take my ring back, yeah?
765
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:42,458
- Just a baby bump, okay?
- Okay.
766
00:32:42,458 --> 00:32:43,667
- And then we go back inside.
767
00:32:43,667 --> 00:32:45,750
- Ooh-- Yeah, yeah. A big fat baby.
768
00:32:45,750 --> 00:32:47,375
- And then we go back inside, all right?
769
00:32:47,375 --> 00:32:48,750
- Big fat baby.
- Okay.
770
00:32:48,750 --> 00:32:50,792
- Get in there. Don't be a pussy.
771
00:32:50,792 --> 00:32:52,208
[Hags snorts, coughs]
772
00:32:53,708 --> 00:32:55,125
- Wah! [laughs]
773
00:32:55,125 --> 00:32:59,083
- Hey, did I ever tell you the story
about how I got my wedding ring?
774
00:32:59,083 --> 00:33:00,583
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
775
00:33:01,625 --> 00:33:05,333
[gasps and coughs]
776
00:33:06,167 --> 00:33:09,167
[cries out]
777
00:33:10,208 --> 00:33:13,208
[footsteps approaching]
778
00:33:13,208 --> 00:33:16,208
♪ tense music playing ♪
779
00:33:17,750 --> 00:33:18,750
MAN: Hey!
- Aah!
780
00:33:18,750 --> 00:33:20,667
- Come with me if you wanna binge.
781
00:33:21,417 --> 00:33:23,708
[tea kettle whistling]
782
00:33:23,708 --> 00:33:25,583
- You got a nice place here, man.
783
00:33:25,583 --> 00:33:27,750
- Uh, yeah,
it's been in my family for years.
784
00:33:27,750 --> 00:33:29,000
- No way.
785
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:30,750
MAN: Here you go.
- Oh, no, no.
786
00:33:30,750 --> 00:33:33,583
- No, no. It's all legal tonight.
Happy Bingemas!
787
00:33:33,583 --> 00:33:37,042
- [laughs] Happy Bingemas! Yeah. Oh, boy.
788
00:33:39,667 --> 00:33:40,667
Wow.
789
00:33:40,667 --> 00:33:41,917
- Whoa!
790
00:33:41,917 --> 00:33:44,000
- So... who are you, man?
791
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,000
- I'm Angel.
792
00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:47,375
- Angel? Like-- Like, you're my angel?
793
00:33:47,375 --> 00:33:49,125
ANGEL:
If that's what you wanna hear, kid.
794
00:33:49,125 --> 00:33:50,417
Now what's your problem?
795
00:33:50,417 --> 00:33:52,875
- Well, my problem
is my problem can't get fixed.
796
00:33:52,875 --> 00:33:57,250
You know, I kinda
ruined my family by being born.
797
00:33:57,250 --> 00:33:58,833
- You haven't ruined nothing.
798
00:33:58,833 --> 00:34:01,042
Family is just a four-letter word.
799
00:34:01,042 --> 00:34:02,042
- Yeah, you know I--
800
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:04,000
Wait, that's wrong.
801
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,125
Hold on.
Yeah, that's not a four-letter word.
802
00:34:06,125 --> 00:34:10,083
- Hey, even a broken clock is right
three times an hour.
803
00:34:10,833 --> 00:34:13,583
- No, that's-- that's not right either.
That's-- Yeah, that's wrong.
804
00:34:13,583 --> 00:34:18,667
I mean, yo, my brain's
kinda scrambled right now.
805
00:34:19,583 --> 00:34:20,833
What was in that pipe?
806
00:34:20,833 --> 00:34:24,042
- Every angel needs a little magic dust.
807
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,250
Angel dust, if you wish.
808
00:34:27,250 --> 00:34:29,250
- Is that what was
coming outta Tinker Bell?
809
00:34:29,250 --> 00:34:32,125
- Hey! Bingo. [laughs]
- Wow.
810
00:34:33,292 --> 00:34:36,125
- Never Never Land
is a place in your mind!
811
00:34:36,125 --> 00:34:38,458
The whole thing is an homage to drugs.
812
00:34:38,458 --> 00:34:41,208
You have to learn
to read between the lines, Andy.
813
00:34:41,208 --> 00:34:42,667
I learned that at MIT.
814
00:34:42,667 --> 00:34:45,958
- [coughs] No shit! You-- You went to MIT?
815
00:34:45,958 --> 00:34:48,458
- Yeah, Mental Institute of Texas.
816
00:34:49,292 --> 00:34:50,292
- Oh.
817
00:34:50,292 --> 00:34:51,875
- Spent about a year there.
818
00:34:51,875 --> 00:34:53,583
Decided it wasn't for me.
819
00:34:54,333 --> 00:34:56,042
But tonight, it's about you.
820
00:34:56,042 --> 00:35:00,125
We'll start by getting
that knife out of your vastus lateralis.
821
00:35:00,125 --> 00:35:01,500
- Vastus whateralis?
822
00:35:01,500 --> 00:35:03,292
- It's the biggest part of your quadricep.
823
00:35:03,750 --> 00:35:05,000
Learned that in MED school.
824
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:06,500
- Wait, you went to MED school?
825
00:35:06,500 --> 00:35:08,208
- Mm, of course.
826
00:35:08,208 --> 00:35:11,792
Minneapolis Expert Detention
school for criminals.
827
00:35:11,792 --> 00:35:12,833
- Oh.
828
00:35:12,833 --> 00:35:14,208
- Learned how to stab a sucker there.
829
00:35:14,208 --> 00:35:17,792
- Oh, whoa-whoa! Yo!
- How's that?
830
00:35:17,792 --> 00:35:19,000
- That's bad.
- Okay.
831
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,083
[flesh squelching]
[Andrew screaming]
832
00:35:22,292 --> 00:35:25,167
The good news is we can get it out.
833
00:35:25,167 --> 00:35:26,250
ANDREW:
Mm-hmm.
834
00:35:26,250 --> 00:35:28,875
- Bad news is it's so deep,
835
00:35:28,875 --> 00:35:30,875
we gotta push it through
to the other side.
836
00:35:30,875 --> 00:35:33,167
- Push it through?
What, are you crazy? No!
837
00:35:33,167 --> 00:35:34,500
- You got a better idea?
838
00:35:34,500 --> 00:35:35,500
You wanna just keep limping?
839
00:35:35,500 --> 00:35:38,625
- Aah! Fuck it! [groans]
840
00:35:38,625 --> 00:35:41,000
[knife slicing]
[Andrew screaming]
841
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:44,083
- Here, here, here.
- [screams] Ooh! Oh, it's out!
842
00:35:44,083 --> 00:35:46,333
ANGEL:
One more hit should get you to Never Land.
843
00:35:46,333 --> 00:35:49,333
♪ soft whimsical music playing ♪
844
00:35:54,042 --> 00:35:56,458
Feel that? Christmas magic!
845
00:35:57,708 --> 00:36:00,458
Now we can get
to the root of your problem.
846
00:36:00,458 --> 00:36:03,708
I'm gonna show you
why your family needs you
847
00:36:03,708 --> 00:36:05,708
a lot more than you'll ever know.
848
00:36:07,333 --> 00:36:08,500
- You can do that?
849
00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,083
ANGEL:
Hey, I'm an angel. Of course!
850
00:36:10,083 --> 00:36:12,167
Family problems are mostly mental.
851
00:36:12,875 --> 00:36:14,167
Learned that at Yale.
852
00:36:14,167 --> 00:36:17,125
- [laughs] Let me guess,
that's some sort of rehab center, right?
853
00:36:17,125 --> 00:36:20,375
Yale, huh? A free clinic? [laughs]
854
00:36:20,375 --> 00:36:21,250
ANGEL:
How dare you!
855
00:36:21,250 --> 00:36:24,833
You think a guy like me
can't go to an Ivy League College?
856
00:36:25,667 --> 00:36:27,417
Hello?
- No, no, I--
857
00:36:27,417 --> 00:36:29,125
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
858
00:36:29,125 --> 00:36:30,375
HAGS:
A one, two, three, four!
859
00:36:30,375 --> 00:36:33,542
[in triple speed]
♪ Silent night, holy night ♪
860
00:36:33,542 --> 00:36:38,167
♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪
861
00:36:38,167 --> 00:36:40,000
Yeah! Okay, Grandma!
862
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,250
We talked about this.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
863
00:36:41,250 --> 00:36:43,250
- Keep the pace.
You're dragging a little bit, all right?
864
00:36:43,250 --> 00:36:44,708
It's a medley! It's a medley!
865
00:36:44,708 --> 00:36:45,708
Kids, you ready?
866
00:36:45,708 --> 00:36:47,708
Jesus freaks,
make some noise in the back!
867
00:36:47,708 --> 00:36:49,333
Here we go! Pitch pipe!
868
00:36:49,333 --> 00:36:52,083
- ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
- ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
869
00:36:52,083 --> 00:36:55,500
One, a-two, a-one, two, three, four, five!
870
00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:57,667
[in triple speed]
♪ On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me ♪
871
00:36:57,667 --> 00:36:59,083
♪ Six geese a-laying!
Five geese a-laying! ♪
872
00:36:59,083 --> 00:37:01,583
♪ Four geese a-laying!
Three geese a-laying! ♪
873
00:37:01,583 --> 00:37:04,458
♪ And a Corvette in a palm tree, yeah! ♪
874
00:37:04,458 --> 00:37:07,750
Yes! Yes!
- Ooh! Yeah!
875
00:37:07,750 --> 00:37:08,833
- I love that, Grandma.
876
00:37:08,833 --> 00:37:10,083
- Hags, did you give her something?
877
00:37:10,083 --> 00:37:11,417
- What? No, of course not!
878
00:37:11,417 --> 00:37:12,250
- He made me do it!
879
00:37:12,250 --> 00:37:14,375
- Oh, so you just gonna lie
on Jesus' birthday?
880
00:37:14,375 --> 00:37:16,333
- Is this another one
of your world-famous jokes,
881
00:37:16,333 --> 00:37:17,500
you piece of shit?
882
00:37:17,500 --> 00:37:19,083
- No, it ain't!
Grandma, tell him what happened!
883
00:37:19,083 --> 00:37:20,583
- He told me
it was like the movie Speed!
884
00:37:20,583 --> 00:37:23,208
If I didn't do all these drugs,
I would explode!
885
00:37:23,208 --> 00:37:24,208
- That's not how this went down.
886
00:37:24,208 --> 00:37:26,833
- Stop trying to speed my grandma.
You're gonna fucking kill her.
887
00:37:26,833 --> 00:37:28,708
- This is not what you think it is, okay?
888
00:37:28,708 --> 00:37:30,083
First of all, your grandmom's a liar.
889
00:37:30,083 --> 00:37:31,167
Third of all--
890
00:37:31,833 --> 00:37:34,667
Wait, wait. What happened to the--
What happened to the presents?
891
00:37:34,667 --> 00:37:36,125
♪ unsettling music playing ♪
892
00:37:36,125 --> 00:37:37,417
SARAH:
Who gives a fuck about presents--
893
00:37:37,417 --> 00:37:39,625
- No, no, there was
Christmas presents under the tree.
894
00:37:39,625 --> 00:37:40,625
What happened to 'em?
895
00:37:40,625 --> 00:37:43,083
SARAH'S DAD: This isn't the time
to be thinking about presents.
896
00:37:43,083 --> 00:37:44,083
- Where'd they go?
897
00:37:44,083 --> 00:37:45,583
- Haven't you heard a word that I've said?
898
00:37:45,583 --> 00:37:47,292
For us, the gift is family.
899
00:37:47,292 --> 00:37:50,083
Every year, we give
all of our gifts to the orphanage.
900
00:37:50,083 --> 00:37:52,917
It's the least we can give to them
after all they've given to us.
901
00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:55,750
- Okay. Sarah, honey, I gotta go.
902
00:37:55,750 --> 00:37:56,875
- What?
- But I'll be right back.
903
00:37:56,875 --> 00:37:58,083
- Where the hell are you going?
904
00:37:58,083 --> 00:38:01,583
- I told Andrew that I would stop by
and see him and-- and see his family.
905
00:38:01,583 --> 00:38:02,583
I promised him I'll be there.
906
00:38:02,583 --> 00:38:04,667
- You hate Andrew's family.
- Kind of, yes, honey.
907
00:38:04,667 --> 00:38:06,292
But I really need to go.
- On Christmas Eve?
908
00:38:06,292 --> 00:38:07,333
- I need you to trust me.
909
00:38:07,833 --> 00:38:11,167
This will all make sense in a little bit.
I love you.
910
00:38:12,375 --> 00:38:14,458
I'll see you in a minute. Thank you.
911
00:38:18,500 --> 00:38:20,958
- Are you looking for... this?
912
00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:24,917
- No! Why would I be looking
for a VHS copy of Con Air?
913
00:38:24,917 --> 00:38:25,833
- What?
914
00:38:25,833 --> 00:38:27,667
We watched it every Christmas, remember?
915
00:38:27,667 --> 00:38:29,583
This is where
I learned to steal a cop car.
916
00:38:29,583 --> 00:38:31,208
- Oh, that's super cool, Uncle Kris.
917
00:38:31,208 --> 00:38:33,958
But I really need to find
this stupid fucking Christmas Owl
918
00:38:33,958 --> 00:38:35,833
or my mom will actually murder me.
919
00:38:35,833 --> 00:38:39,292
- Oh, I was thinking.
We should go to the Winter Wonderland.
920
00:38:39,292 --> 00:38:40,625
- That's a really great idea,
921
00:38:40,625 --> 00:38:43,208
but it actually isn't
because you shouldn't be in public.
922
00:38:43,208 --> 00:38:44,292
The cops are gonna see you.
923
00:38:44,708 --> 00:38:46,458
- That's the beauty of tonight.
924
00:38:46,458 --> 00:38:49,417
Because everyone's dressed like me,
so I'll blend right in.
925
00:38:51,458 --> 00:38:54,000
Hey, Kimmi, come here, will ya?
Got you something.
926
00:38:54,542 --> 00:38:57,667
- Oh, Uncle Kris.
I didn't really get you anything.
927
00:38:58,208 --> 00:38:59,250
- Merry Christmas.
928
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,833
I had it taped to the wall of my cell
right next to my bed,
929
00:39:03,333 --> 00:39:07,208
and, um, I was remembering
when your dad passed away
930
00:39:07,208 --> 00:39:08,833
how hard it was on the family.
931
00:39:09,333 --> 00:39:10,625
And how your mom,
932
00:39:10,625 --> 00:39:12,875
you know, she just
kind of threw herself into her work
933
00:39:12,875 --> 00:39:16,000
and kind of at the expense
of your upbringing.
934
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:17,833
So I just-- I don't know,
935
00:39:17,833 --> 00:39:21,333
I always kind of saw myself
as kind of a de facto dad,
936
00:39:21,333 --> 00:39:24,917
you know, even though I, you know,
I'm not the normal uncle or whatever.
937
00:39:24,917 --> 00:39:28,625
But I just wanted you
to know that I love you very much.
938
00:39:28,625 --> 00:39:31,250
And I'm really happy
to be with you on Christmas.
939
00:39:32,333 --> 00:39:33,458
And I, you know, I just wish
940
00:39:33,458 --> 00:39:35,958
everything could go back
to the way it used to be, you know?
941
00:39:36,625 --> 00:39:39,458
- I don't think
that's possible, Uncle Kris.
942
00:39:39,458 --> 00:39:41,792
- No, no, no. It is!
It is. I'm telling you!
943
00:39:41,792 --> 00:39:45,208
You know, everything's gonna
be totally normal from here on out.
944
00:39:45,208 --> 00:39:47,875
[doorbell rings]
Fuck! That's the cops. It's the cops.
945
00:39:47,875 --> 00:39:49,958
Okay. You haven't seen me.
You haven't seen me at all--
946
00:39:49,958 --> 00:39:53,167
Oh, no. You've seen me,
but I was far away. Just say that.
947
00:39:54,750 --> 00:39:55,750
- Okay.
948
00:39:57,125 --> 00:40:00,125
- That motherfucker
is cheating on me! I know it!
949
00:40:00,125 --> 00:40:02,625
- Who, Hags? No. [scoffs]
- Obviously!
950
00:40:02,625 --> 00:40:06,375
- He wouldn't cheat on you.
He is so, so, so scared of you, and--
951
00:40:06,375 --> 00:40:09,542
- Kimmi, is that your weird uncle
hiding behind the Christmas tree?
952
00:40:09,542 --> 00:40:11,458
- Oh, hey! Yeah.
953
00:40:11,458 --> 00:40:13,625
Merry Christmas.
You look good, look festive.
954
00:40:13,625 --> 00:40:15,833
You seem happy. How's your dad?
955
00:40:15,833 --> 00:40:18,542
- Uh, you know, staying out of jail.
956
00:40:18,542 --> 00:40:21,125
- No way! It's hard to do.
Trust me. [chuckles]
957
00:40:21,125 --> 00:40:23,917
So anyway, I'm gonna go
put some stuff on the sleigh.
958
00:40:23,917 --> 00:40:25,667
Christmas is right around the corner!
959
00:40:26,333 --> 00:40:30,333
Uh, anyway, you guys go back
to your girl problem. [laughs]
960
00:40:30,917 --> 00:40:33,292
Let me just say
from the bottom of my heart, Sarah,
961
00:40:33,292 --> 00:40:35,833
I'm so glad you're not the DEA. Seriously.
962
00:40:35,833 --> 00:40:37,208
- Right. Me too.
- Yeah.
963
00:40:37,833 --> 00:40:39,292
UNCLE KRIS:
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
964
00:40:40,250 --> 00:40:42,917
- Yeah, he used to dress like Santa
every Christmas,
965
00:40:42,917 --> 00:40:45,917
but somewhere down the road,
it became full-time.
966
00:40:45,917 --> 00:40:47,708
SARAH:
Some people are so crazy.
967
00:40:47,708 --> 00:40:50,750
Anyway, I have a tracker
on Hags' phone and iPad.
968
00:40:50,750 --> 00:40:53,708
I pinged all the cell towers
at every location he's been to today,
969
00:40:53,708 --> 00:40:55,708
cross-referenced it
with the location of his laptop,
970
00:40:55,708 --> 00:40:56,750
which I also have bugged,
971
00:40:56,750 --> 00:40:59,333
so triangulation
should be fairly straightforward.
972
00:40:59,833 --> 00:41:01,542
We need to follow him
and see where he's going.
973
00:41:01,542 --> 00:41:03,833
KIMMI:
Yeah, that's totally normal and healthy
974
00:41:03,833 --> 00:41:06,375
and not at all psychotic,
but, um, I can't.
975
00:41:06,375 --> 00:41:08,625
Uh, I have to be
at Winter Wonderland at 09:00,
976
00:41:08,625 --> 00:41:11,042
and I still need to find
this stupid fucking Christmas Owl.
977
00:41:11,042 --> 00:41:12,208
Otherwise, my mom--
- Oh, my God!
978
00:41:12,208 --> 00:41:14,083
There has to be something in here
that'll loosen you up.
979
00:41:14,083 --> 00:41:16,500
- I don't need to be loosened!
I'm not binging!
980
00:41:16,500 --> 00:41:19,750
We actually are
a very upstanding family, okay?
981
00:41:19,750 --> 00:41:25,375
- Okay! Ladies, ladies.
Hey, everything's totally fine.
982
00:41:25,375 --> 00:41:27,708
You know what?
It's more than fine. Merry Christmas!
983
00:41:27,708 --> 00:41:31,125
It's just-- The neighbors, I think,
recognized me and called the cops
984
00:41:31,125 --> 00:41:32,750
while I was decorating my sleigh.
985
00:41:32,750 --> 00:41:34,208
- The squad car he stole.
986
00:41:34,208 --> 00:41:35,083
- Right.
987
00:41:35,083 --> 00:41:36,708
- Look, again, everything's totally fine.
988
00:41:36,708 --> 00:41:39,458
We just probably wanna leave
within the next two or three minutes,
989
00:41:39,458 --> 00:41:42,583
or there's gonna be
a lot of angry banter over a megaphone
990
00:41:42,583 --> 00:41:45,917
and, uh, I dunno, possible gunfire.
Maybe. I don't know.
991
00:41:45,917 --> 00:41:47,250
- Somebody kill me.
992
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:50,333
HAGS: Andrew?
ANDREW: [over phone] Hello?
993
00:41:50,333 --> 00:41:52,333
- Andrew, hey! Hey, okay, listen.
994
00:41:52,333 --> 00:41:54,708
I'm outside of the old high school,
and it's fucking freezing out here.
995
00:41:54,708 --> 00:41:55,458
Where are you?
996
00:41:55,458 --> 00:41:57,750
ANDREW: [over phone]
Just kidding. This is a voice mail. Beep.
997
00:41:57,750 --> 00:41:58,792
- Damn!
998
00:41:58,792 --> 00:42:00,500
ANDREW: [over phone]
Just kidding. I'm still here. Go on.
999
00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:01,708
- Oh, shit. Okay, cool.
1000
00:42:01,708 --> 00:42:04,250
Listen, I-- I lost
Sarah's grandma's ring that was like--
1001
00:42:04,250 --> 00:42:05,083
ANDREW: [over phone] Uh-huh.
1002
00:42:05,083 --> 00:42:06,625
- I was in a hot tub with her dad.
ANDREW: [over phone] Yeah?
1003
00:42:06,625 --> 00:42:07,792
- It's crazy. Can you come pick me up?
1004
00:42:07,792 --> 00:42:08,792
ANDREW: [over phone]
That's so interesting.
1005
00:42:08,792 --> 00:42:10,333
I'd love to hear more about this story.
1006
00:42:10,333 --> 00:42:12,208
- Yeah, okay,
so I texted somebody for a ride,
1007
00:42:12,208 --> 00:42:13,333
but they haven't gotten back to me yet.
1008
00:42:13,333 --> 00:42:15,292
And-- And I'm-- I'm out here in the cold.
ANDREW: [over phone] Yeah?
1009
00:42:15,292 --> 00:42:16,417
- The ring's in the orphanage.
ANDREW: [over phone] Uh-huh.
1010
00:42:16,417 --> 00:42:19,208
- I just need somebody to come get me
'cause I'm high on cocaine.
1011
00:42:19,208 --> 00:42:21,833
I'm warm on my inside
and cold in my toes and fingers!
1012
00:42:21,833 --> 00:42:23,667
ANDREW: [over phone] That's crazy.
- So please, can you come get me?
1013
00:42:23,667 --> 00:42:25,792
ANDREW: [over phone]
Only thing is I'm not here. [laughs]
1014
00:42:25,792 --> 00:42:26,667
[voice mail beeps]
1015
00:42:26,667 --> 00:42:28,750
- Oh, you-- you sick,
twisted motherfucker, man!
1016
00:42:28,750 --> 00:42:30,292
I told you to stop doing this shit!
1017
00:42:30,292 --> 00:42:33,250
[vehicle approaching]
Hey, hey! Right here!
1018
00:42:34,208 --> 00:42:35,583
Right here!
1019
00:42:35,583 --> 00:42:36,792
[car stops]
1020
00:42:37,500 --> 00:42:38,750
Thank God.
1021
00:42:38,750 --> 00:42:41,208
Okay, if I pull this off,
1022
00:42:41,208 --> 00:42:43,583
I promise, we ain't got
no more problems, okay?
1023
00:42:43,583 --> 00:42:46,000
You and me, forever. Just-- Thank you.
1024
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:46,875
Hey!
1025
00:42:49,250 --> 00:42:50,375
[knocks on window]
1026
00:42:51,958 --> 00:42:55,000
♪ Pimp my ride ♪
1027
00:42:55,708 --> 00:42:56,708
- Hey.
1028
00:42:56,708 --> 00:42:59,542
Did somebody say Pimp My Ride
three times in the mirror?
1029
00:42:59,542 --> 00:43:01,000
[laughs]
HAGS: Pompano Mike!
1030
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:02,750
First of all, Merry Christmas.
POMPANO MIKE: Same.
1031
00:43:02,750 --> 00:43:05,625
- Second of all,
is there any way you can gimme a ride?
1032
00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:07,417
- Let's make some donuts, motherfucker.
Get in!
1033
00:43:07,417 --> 00:43:08,292
- Okay!
POMPANO MIKE: Okay!
1034
00:43:08,292 --> 00:43:10,583
♪ Pimp my ride ♪
1035
00:43:12,500 --> 00:43:15,208
- All right. To the orphanage we go.
1036
00:43:15,208 --> 00:43:17,083
- I didn't know
there was gonna be another person in here.
1037
00:43:17,083 --> 00:43:22,542
- Not just a person,
a force of friggin' nature.
1038
00:43:22,542 --> 00:43:26,000
- Ooo-kay. I'm Delray Donna.
- I'm Hags.
1039
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:29,333
- I'm-- Pompano over here--
his life partner and spiritual advisor.
1040
00:43:29,333 --> 00:43:30,167
- Yeah.
1041
00:43:30,167 --> 00:43:31,458
- Are you from Delray?
1042
00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:36,000
- [laughs] No, no, no!
No, no way, dude!
1043
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,292
I'm just living
in that south Florida state of mind.
1044
00:43:38,292 --> 00:43:39,875
- That's right, baby.
HAGS: Should've known.
1045
00:43:39,875 --> 00:43:42,917
- Hey, it is so darn good to see you!
- Good to see you.
1046
00:43:42,917 --> 00:43:45,708
- What's going on? What's new?
You still training for the Olympics?
1047
00:43:45,708 --> 00:43:47,875
- I heard you do long put.
- No!
1048
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:49,000
- Long jumps?
1049
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,125
- Never did an Olympic thing in my life.
- No?
1050
00:43:51,125 --> 00:43:54,042
- But I am about to make
the biggest decision of my life.
1051
00:43:54,042 --> 00:43:56,625
- Ooh.
- Oh. Whether or not
to start training for the Olympics?
1052
00:43:56,625 --> 00:43:57,667
- Ooh.
1053
00:43:57,667 --> 00:44:00,750
- No. I'm proposing
to my girlfriend, Sarah.
1054
00:44:00,750 --> 00:44:02,167
- Oh, my God!
- Ah.
1055
00:44:02,167 --> 00:44:04,167
POMPANO MIKE: That is awesome!
- That is beautiful.
1056
00:44:04,167 --> 00:44:07,000
- Can I get a little peek of that ring?
- I'd love to see that charmer.
1057
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:10,375
- I accidentally donated the ring
to the orphanage, so.
1058
00:44:10,375 --> 00:44:12,417
- Oh, tale as old as time.
- I gotta go get it.
1059
00:44:12,417 --> 00:44:14,542
DELRAY DONNA: Darn.
- Oh, no!
1060
00:44:14,542 --> 00:44:15,958
- Can you keep your eyes on the road?
1061
00:44:15,958 --> 00:44:17,417
[Delray Donna and Pompano Mike laughing]
1062
00:44:17,417 --> 00:44:19,500
- Where we're going, there are no roads.
1063
00:44:19,500 --> 00:44:22,208
- When you live in your car,
you don't work a day in your life.
1064
00:44:22,208 --> 00:44:23,667
POMPANO MIKE:
Oh, amen.
1065
00:44:23,667 --> 00:44:25,958
Baby, we're being rude and also impolite.
1066
00:44:25,958 --> 00:44:29,583
It's Hanukkah here in Binge Town,
and we should give him a Mazel-Tug.
1067
00:44:29,583 --> 00:44:30,583
- Oh, wow!
POMPANO MIKE: Yes.
1068
00:44:30,583 --> 00:44:31,833
- Here you go. Choo-choo, baby.
1069
00:44:31,833 --> 00:44:35,208
- Here's to merriment,
here's to friendship,
1070
00:44:35,208 --> 00:44:36,500
to proposals,
1071
00:44:36,500 --> 00:44:39,750
and most of all, suck it down pipe!
1072
00:44:39,750 --> 00:44:41,917
- Suck it down pipe.
HAGS: No, thank you, guys.
1073
00:44:41,917 --> 00:44:44,167
I appreciate it, though.
- Yeah, ooh, we understand.
1074
00:44:44,167 --> 00:44:45,292
- We're on the same wavelength.
1075
00:44:45,292 --> 00:44:46,958
- Totally get it. We get it.
- Thank you.
1076
00:44:46,958 --> 00:44:49,042
- Pipe, suck it, down it.
1077
00:44:49,042 --> 00:44:50,833
- Take the pipe. Suck it down.
1078
00:44:50,833 --> 00:44:52,583
- Suck-a that pipe suck stick, Piper.
1079
00:44:52,583 --> 00:44:55,083
- ♪ Suck be a piper tonight ♪
1080
00:44:55,083 --> 00:44:56,958
- ♪ Waiting for some pipe ♪
1081
00:44:56,958 --> 00:45:00,667
- Everybody says the secret to suck-cess
is-- is opening yourself to all the...
1082
00:45:00,667 --> 00:45:01,792
DELRAY DONNA AND POMPANO MIKE:
Pipeabilities.
1083
00:45:01,792 --> 00:45:02,917
- Okay. Can you stop?
1084
00:45:02,917 --> 00:45:04,583
DELRAY DONNA AND POMPANO MIKE:
♪ How much pipe could a pipe suck suck ♪
1085
00:45:04,583 --> 00:45:06,125
♪ If a pipe suck could suck pipe ♪
1086
00:45:06,125 --> 00:45:09,167
- Okay, okay. If I smoke it,
will you please stop making puns?
1087
00:45:09,167 --> 00:45:10,167
I'm begging you.
1088
00:45:13,417 --> 00:45:14,667
DELRAY DONNA AND POMPANO MIKE:
Maybe.
1089
00:45:15,417 --> 00:45:17,542
- Okay.
- All right!
1090
00:45:17,542 --> 00:45:19,625
- All right! There he goes.
POMPANO MIKE: Yeah.
1091
00:45:19,625 --> 00:45:21,833
- That's the beautiful power
of peer pressure.
1092
00:45:21,833 --> 00:45:24,375
- Hey, have you ever seen
the feature film length feature
1093
00:45:24,375 --> 00:45:25,792
Honey, I Sucked the Pipe?
1094
00:45:27,125 --> 00:45:28,417
- So this is what again?
1095
00:45:28,417 --> 00:45:29,750
- That one's got a little Crunch in it.
1096
00:45:30,625 --> 00:45:31,750
- What's Crunch?
1097
00:45:31,750 --> 00:45:33,583
- Yeah. Little Corgi's Gone Wild.
1098
00:45:33,583 --> 00:45:35,458
- This one's Medulla All-Blunt-Gatta.
1099
00:45:35,458 --> 00:45:37,083
Christopher Mintz Plasse.
1100
00:45:37,083 --> 00:45:37,917
- Greek Lettuce.
1101
00:45:37,917 --> 00:45:39,500
- The bassist from Smash Mouth.
1102
00:45:39,500 --> 00:45:40,542
- That one's the Three Wood.
1103
00:45:40,542 --> 00:45:41,333
- Sneeze!
1104
00:45:41,333 --> 00:45:44,417
- The tiny thing they put in a pizza box
to keep it from flattening.
1105
00:45:44,417 --> 00:45:45,583
- You got a little bit
of Baby Gerkin there.
1106
00:45:45,583 --> 00:45:48,708
POMPANO MIKE:
Greenpeace, Cub Scout,
Yellow Belly, Wet Willy, Circuit City.
1107
00:45:48,708 --> 00:45:51,333
- Guys, I'm smoking it!
Can you just stop speaking?
1108
00:45:51,333 --> 00:45:54,417
- Well, you better crank that suck pipe
'cause we're already at the orphanage.
1109
00:45:54,417 --> 00:45:55,708
DELRAY DONNA: Ooh.
[Hags coughing]
1110
00:45:55,708 --> 00:45:57,792
POMPANO MIKE: Oh, did I say
that last one was Circuit City?
1111
00:45:57,792 --> 00:45:59,958
I actually think it's Mambo Number 6.
1112
00:45:59,958 --> 00:46:03,000
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
1113
00:46:05,958 --> 00:46:07,417
ANDREW:
What the fuck is this?
1114
00:46:07,417 --> 00:46:09,250
I would never put up these decorations.
1115
00:46:09,250 --> 00:46:13,542
- Andy, you don't exist in this universe.
1116
00:46:13,542 --> 00:46:14,667
Do you understand?
1117
00:46:14,667 --> 00:46:17,917
This is what it would be like
if you were never born.
1118
00:46:17,917 --> 00:46:19,250
- Oh.
- Come on.
1119
00:46:19,750 --> 00:46:23,292
- ♪ My present to you ♪
[all clapping]
1120
00:46:23,292 --> 00:46:27,458
- Oh, golly, Mother. This is fantastic!
1121
00:46:27,458 --> 00:46:30,958
[continues singing]
1122
00:46:30,958 --> 00:46:32,000
[laughing]
1123
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:33,542
- You've certainly outdone yourself.
1124
00:46:34,833 --> 00:46:37,208
- Before we eat, I'd like to say grace.
1125
00:46:37,208 --> 00:46:38,792
- Yes!
- Grace.
1126
00:46:38,792 --> 00:46:39,792
- Here we go.
1127
00:46:40,458 --> 00:46:44,208
DEIDRE: Dear heavenly Lord,
we thank you for this delicious meal
1128
00:46:44,208 --> 00:46:46,667
and for all of the beautiful blessings
that surround us.
1129
00:46:47,417 --> 00:46:50,917
This is a time
of self-reflection and redemption.
1130
00:46:50,917 --> 00:46:55,125
All of our past misdeeds
can be undone with love,
1131
00:46:55,750 --> 00:46:59,042
and, of course, the perfect family.
[Rigo mouthing "Family"]
1132
00:46:59,042 --> 00:47:00,417
- Amen. [laughs]
- Amen.
1133
00:47:00,417 --> 00:47:01,750
- This is terrifying.
1134
00:47:01,750 --> 00:47:05,250
- When you have a perfect son,
there is no need to make another.
1135
00:47:05,250 --> 00:47:07,792
- Oh, I'm so glad
it was only the three of us growing up.
1136
00:47:07,792 --> 00:47:09,458
- I know!
1137
00:47:09,458 --> 00:47:13,125
[clinks on glass]
- I was going to wait till Christmas
morning to tell you guys.
1138
00:47:13,125 --> 00:47:17,458
I brilliantly decided
to invest in Titcoin.
1139
00:47:17,458 --> 00:47:19,458
- Oh, how exotic!
1140
00:47:19,458 --> 00:47:22,667
- And it paid out big, real big.
1141
00:47:22,667 --> 00:47:25,167
$40 million!
1142
00:47:25,167 --> 00:47:26,792
DAKOTA:
Rigo!
1143
00:47:26,792 --> 00:47:29,708
- [laughs] What do you guys want?
Do you want the moon?
1144
00:47:29,708 --> 00:47:32,542
Just say it,
and I'll buy it for you with Titcoin!
1145
00:47:32,542 --> 00:47:36,583
- This is truly
the merriest Christmas of all.
1146
00:47:36,583 --> 00:47:38,250
- My work here is done.
1147
00:47:38,250 --> 00:47:39,875
- Wha-- What are you talking about
your work here is done?
1148
00:47:39,875 --> 00:47:41,000
You haven't done anything for me!
1149
00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:43,292
- It's a Christmas miracle! Look it.
1150
00:47:43,917 --> 00:47:45,542
Family. Happy. Joyous.
1151
00:47:45,958 --> 00:47:48,250
I left my house when I was seven,
1152
00:47:48,250 --> 00:47:53,750
and the only thing I miss
is my mother's golden brown chicken wings.
1153
00:47:53,750 --> 00:47:57,125
Boy, and your mother
must be one hell of a cook.
1154
00:47:57,125 --> 00:47:58,208
- No, no, she isn't.
1155
00:47:58,208 --> 00:48:00,167
In fact, she burns everything she touches.
1156
00:48:00,167 --> 00:48:02,958
And, hey, isn't this supposed
to be going the other way around, man?
1157
00:48:02,958 --> 00:48:06,333
Isn't the whole point of this fantasy
to prove that things are much worse
1158
00:48:06,333 --> 00:48:08,917
with me not around?
[Angel snoring]
1159
00:48:08,917 --> 00:48:10,708
ANDREW:
Angel. Angel?
1160
00:48:11,208 --> 00:48:12,208
Angel?
1161
00:48:12,208 --> 00:48:13,917
- Hey, who the fuck are you?
1162
00:48:13,917 --> 00:48:16,542
- I-- I'm Andrew.
I met you under the bridge.
1163
00:48:16,542 --> 00:48:18,583
- Under the bridge?
That don't sound like me, homes.
1164
00:48:18,583 --> 00:48:19,792
- You took me to your tent, man!
1165
00:48:19,792 --> 00:48:21,417
You said it was in your family
for generations!
1166
00:48:22,083 --> 00:48:23,625
- Oh, wait. I remember, yeah!
1167
00:48:23,625 --> 00:48:25,750
Chicken wings. My mother's chicken wings--
1168
00:48:25,750 --> 00:48:27,708
- No, no, no. You already told me that.
You told me that already.
1169
00:48:27,708 --> 00:48:28,833
- Did I fix your life?
1170
00:48:28,833 --> 00:48:29,833
- No, not at all.
1171
00:48:29,833 --> 00:48:32,250
RIGO: Eskimo kisses!
[Deidre squealing]
1172
00:48:32,250 --> 00:48:34,458
- Oh, my God, this isn't right.
I can't look at this.
1173
00:48:34,458 --> 00:48:37,167
- You gotta lose your attitude, homes.
It sucks!
1174
00:48:37,917 --> 00:48:39,167
All right, here we go.
1175
00:48:40,125 --> 00:48:42,708
NEWS ANCHOR:
Winter Wonderland
has just opened its doors.
1176
00:48:42,708 --> 00:48:44,875
And I have to say,
the mood here is slightly strange
1177
00:48:44,875 --> 00:48:48,042
as The Binge has brought in
a different class of people.
1178
00:48:48,042 --> 00:48:49,833
Uh, sir, what brings you
to Winter Wonderland?
1179
00:48:49,833 --> 00:48:53,708
- Hey, we came here to party
and eat some fucking ass, yo!
1180
00:48:53,708 --> 00:48:55,333
[group cheering]
1181
00:48:55,333 --> 00:48:57,125
- Now, when you say eat ass,
1182
00:48:57,125 --> 00:49:00,583
uh, is that metaphorically, or are you
actually going to perform a sex act?
1183
00:49:01,750 --> 00:49:05,958
- I, metaphorically, am gonna eat
some fucking ass, literally, dude!
1184
00:49:05,958 --> 00:49:08,000
[group cheering]
1185
00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:09,875
- While confusing,
I think I get your point.
1186
00:49:09,875 --> 00:49:12,042
So inside, there are families gathering,
1187
00:49:12,042 --> 00:49:13,708
children are having a great time.
1188
00:49:13,708 --> 00:49:16,083
Now, sir, it seems like you have
a group of friends here.
1189
00:49:16,083 --> 00:49:17,000
Are you expecting anymore?
1190
00:49:17,500 --> 00:49:18,500
- Oh, hell yeah.
1191
00:49:18,500 --> 00:49:19,750
The Bingers are coming, man.
1192
00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:21,750
We're taking over, all right?
- Okay.
1193
00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:24,583
- We are gonna turn Winter Wonderland
1194
00:49:24,583 --> 00:49:26,083
into Binger...
1195
00:49:27,292 --> 00:49:29,083
Fingerland, dude!
1196
00:49:29,083 --> 00:49:30,333
[group laughing, cheering]
1197
00:49:30,333 --> 00:49:34,667
- But, uh, while I don't agree that
that pun was as strong as it could be,
1198
00:49:34,667 --> 00:49:36,000
I do agree with the sentiment.
1199
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,500
Uh, the Bingers are coming.
1200
00:49:38,500 --> 00:49:40,458
[group cheering]
1201
00:49:40,458 --> 00:49:42,625
♪ "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"
playing ♪
1202
00:49:45,667 --> 00:49:48,000
- Enjoy. Vote for Mayor Spengler.
1203
00:49:48,792 --> 00:49:50,583
- I'm allergic to nuts.
1204
00:49:50,583 --> 00:49:53,042
- Well, what did you think was going
to happen at the nutcracker station?
1205
00:49:53,042 --> 00:49:54,917
I have a secret for you, okay?
1206
00:49:54,917 --> 00:49:57,917
Complaining makes Santa very, very angry.
1207
00:49:58,417 --> 00:49:59,542
But I'm okay with it.
1208
00:49:59,542 --> 00:50:02,458
[laughs] There you go. Merry Christmas!
1209
00:50:02,458 --> 00:50:04,958
- Life's short. You gotta make sure
you live it, all right?
1210
00:50:04,958 --> 00:50:07,417
Eleven months out of the year,
I'm at a Scion dealership.
1211
00:50:07,417 --> 00:50:09,417
Yeah, I, uh, see, you think this is...
1212
00:50:09,417 --> 00:50:10,417
It's hot under here.
1213
00:50:11,625 --> 00:50:13,250
One sec. Don't ever do this.
1214
00:50:13,250 --> 00:50:15,333
Now everybody has
a friggin' podcast nowadays.
1215
00:50:15,333 --> 00:50:18,417
How long can you talk about presents
and good kids and stuff like that?
1216
00:50:18,417 --> 00:50:20,333
Are you good? You look like my first wife.
1217
00:50:20,333 --> 00:50:21,958
You're just staring through my brain.
1218
00:50:21,958 --> 00:50:23,542
- Excuse me, sweet angel!
1219
00:50:23,542 --> 00:50:26,958
Hey! There is no binging
when you're Santa Claus!
1220
00:50:26,958 --> 00:50:29,167
- [laughs] Looks like there is.
1221
00:50:29,167 --> 00:50:30,333
- Out! Get outta here!
1222
00:50:30,333 --> 00:50:31,667
Just get out. Get outta here right now.
1223
00:50:31,667 --> 00:50:33,750
- [burps] Wait. You want me to leave?
1224
00:50:34,542 --> 00:50:37,042
- Well, this ain't Trivial Pursuit,
1225
00:50:37,042 --> 00:50:39,000
so I wouldn't take the Risk.
1226
00:50:39,500 --> 00:50:40,583
- Hmm?
- Mm.
1227
00:50:41,750 --> 00:50:42,750
- What?
1228
00:50:43,292 --> 00:50:44,750
- Like the board games!
1229
00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:47,458
- I know what you mean,
but why would you say that to me?
1230
00:50:47,458 --> 00:50:49,458
[kids laughing]
1231
00:50:50,250 --> 00:50:51,542
- I don't even know where you get a gun.
1232
00:50:51,542 --> 00:50:53,458
- Get the fuck outta here! Go!
1233
00:50:53,458 --> 00:50:54,708
- All right.
1234
00:50:54,708 --> 00:50:56,333
MAYOR SPENGLER: Search that bag!
GUARD: All right.
1235
00:50:56,333 --> 00:50:57,417
- My phone, Larry!
1236
00:50:57,417 --> 00:50:58,750
God damn it, Santa!
1237
00:50:58,750 --> 00:51:00,042
SANTA:
Here, little girl. You can have my bell.
1238
00:51:00,458 --> 00:51:03,083
MAYOR SPENGLER:
Hi. Could you eat your ice cream
while you're not staring at me?
1239
00:51:03,083 --> 00:51:04,958
Thank you so much! Merry Christmas!
1240
00:51:04,958 --> 00:51:06,958
Hey, Four Eyes! Take your glasses off!
1241
00:51:06,958 --> 00:51:08,292
Okay, now there's nothing to see.
1242
00:51:08,292 --> 00:51:09,458
G-G-G-Go!
1243
00:51:09,458 --> 00:51:11,333
UNCLE KRIS:
Okay! Nobody panic.
1244
00:51:11,333 --> 00:51:12,958
He probably just
pulled over the wrong car.
1245
00:51:12,958 --> 00:51:14,292
SARAH:
Uh, yeah, I doubt that,
1246
00:51:14,292 --> 00:51:17,667
considering you're in a stolen cop car
with a reindeer stashed on the roof.
1247
00:51:17,667 --> 00:51:18,667
[phone ringing]
- Everybody, shut up!
1248
00:51:18,667 --> 00:51:20,000
Shut up! My mom's calling.
1249
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:21,667
- Oh, tell her I said hi.
- I will not!
1250
00:51:22,583 --> 00:51:24,833
- Heyyy.
MAYOR SPENGLER: [over phone]
Kimberly, where are you?
1251
00:51:24,833 --> 00:51:27,125
KIMMI: [over phone]
Uh, we're-- we're at church.
1252
00:51:27,125 --> 00:51:28,458
[sirens wailing]
- What are those sirens?
1253
00:51:29,125 --> 00:51:30,667
- Church sirens.
1254
00:51:30,667 --> 00:51:32,792
MAYOR SPENGLER: [over phone]
Church sirens are not a thing!
1255
00:51:32,792 --> 00:51:34,583
- Hags is at the orphanage.
We need to go to the orphanage.
1256
00:51:34,583 --> 00:51:35,750
Step on it, Santa!
1257
00:51:35,750 --> 00:51:39,500
- No, no, no. We gotta be super chill,
and then maybe he'll just go away.
1258
00:51:39,500 --> 00:51:40,750
OFFICER: [over speaker]
Keep your hands where I can see them.
1259
00:51:40,750 --> 00:51:41,750
[Uncle Kris gasps]
1260
00:51:41,750 --> 00:51:43,125
- Oh!
MAYOR SPENGLER: [over phone] Who's that?
1261
00:51:43,750 --> 00:51:45,083
- That's a song!
1262
00:51:45,083 --> 00:51:46,250
Uh-- Uh--
1263
00:51:46,250 --> 00:51:49,417
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas, baby ♪
1264
00:51:49,417 --> 00:51:51,708
♪ Keep your hands up ♪
1265
00:51:51,708 --> 00:51:55,042
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas, baby ♪
1266
00:51:55,042 --> 00:51:57,542
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas,
baby ♪
1267
00:51:57,542 --> 00:51:59,125
♪ Keep your hands up ♪
1268
00:51:59,125 --> 00:52:00,250
- That's not a song!
1269
00:52:00,250 --> 00:52:03,292
- ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
1270
00:52:03,292 --> 00:52:05,667
- Where did you learn this song?
In school?
1271
00:52:05,667 --> 00:52:06,667
Are you binging?
1272
00:52:06,667 --> 00:52:08,250
Because it is almost 9:00 p.m.,
1273
00:52:08,250 --> 00:52:10,125
and that owl is the cornerstone of the--
1274
00:52:10,125 --> 00:52:11,292
- Wait, did she just say
it's nine o'clock?
1275
00:52:11,292 --> 00:52:12,750
It's time for the exploding ketamine.
1276
00:52:12,750 --> 00:52:13,958
- What's that?
- No, he wants to do it.
1277
00:52:13,958 --> 00:52:14,875
MAYOR SPENGLER:
Please be honest with me
1278
00:52:14,875 --> 00:52:16,292
because I'm at the end of my rope!
1279
00:52:16,292 --> 00:52:18,333
- No, I'm actually
gonna see you later. Bye.
1280
00:52:18,333 --> 00:52:20,417
- Your lack of respect Boggles the mind!
1281
00:52:20,417 --> 00:52:21,500
[line disconnects]
1282
00:52:22,667 --> 00:52:23,667
That was a good one.
1283
00:52:23,667 --> 00:52:25,625
- Ladies, ladies!
1284
00:52:25,625 --> 00:52:29,333
Everybody be super still and super quiet,
1285
00:52:29,333 --> 00:52:31,792
and then maybe
he'll just walk right past the car.
1286
00:52:31,792 --> 00:52:35,208
Everybody,
chain your robot that's broken.
1287
00:52:35,208 --> 00:52:37,083
SARAH:
Why are you guys acting insane?
1288
00:52:37,083 --> 00:52:39,167
It's legal to binge tonight.
- Don't do it, Sarah!
1289
00:52:39,167 --> 00:52:41,083
- Don't!
UNCLE KRIS: Don't!
1290
00:52:41,083 --> 00:52:43,375
- See, it's-- it's fine.
1291
00:52:43,375 --> 00:52:44,583
[Kimmi exhales in relief]
1292
00:52:45,583 --> 00:52:46,875
[box explodes]
UNCLE KRIS: Fuck!
1293
00:52:46,875 --> 00:52:48,292
[tires screeching]
1294
00:52:49,250 --> 00:52:50,875
[Uncle Kris speaking indistinctly]
1295
00:52:50,875 --> 00:52:55,458
Oh-ho-ho!
It is Christmas officially! Woo!
1296
00:52:55,458 --> 00:52:57,750
- Oh, my insides are burning!
1297
00:52:57,750 --> 00:53:00,125
NARRATOR:
As we descend into the night,
1298
00:53:00,125 --> 00:53:03,167
it will prove to be anything but bland.
1299
00:53:03,167 --> 00:53:06,583
With each generation
comes a new set of lore,
1300
00:53:06,583 --> 00:53:08,500
and we'll look to the future
1301
00:53:08,500 --> 00:53:12,500
to learn who we really are
right at our core.
1302
00:53:12,500 --> 00:53:15,083
- And as another Christmas comes to pass,
1303
00:53:15,083 --> 00:53:18,542
I realize that there's
two types of people in this world,
1304
00:53:18,542 --> 00:53:20,375
Chutes and Ladders.
1305
00:53:20,375 --> 00:53:23,917
And this Christmas,
we're going up the ladder, baby!
1306
00:53:23,917 --> 00:53:26,750
Yeah! Yahtzee!
1307
00:53:26,750 --> 00:53:28,375
Ooh-hoo!
CROWD: Ooh-hoo!
1308
00:53:28,375 --> 00:53:30,708
ANDREW:
Is that Kimmi? She became the mayor?
1309
00:53:30,708 --> 00:53:33,292
And-- And if this is the future,
why is everything in black and white?
1310
00:53:33,292 --> 00:53:35,542
- Hey, stop asking questions.
I'm trying to hear this.
1311
00:53:35,542 --> 00:53:39,833
- And I'd like to thank my husband,
the single best lover of my life.
1312
00:53:39,833 --> 00:53:41,792
Angel, come up here, baby.
- She looks so beautiful.
1313
00:53:41,792 --> 00:53:45,542
Oh-- Whoa-oh-oh! Whoa!
[Future Angel laughing]
1314
00:53:45,542 --> 00:53:47,625
What the hell, man? You married Kimmi?
1315
00:53:47,625 --> 00:53:49,958
- The Lord works in mysterious ways.
1316
00:53:49,958 --> 00:53:53,708
I am a very lucky man.
She is a wonderful woman!
1317
00:53:53,708 --> 00:53:54,708
ANDREW: I know she is!
1318
00:53:54,708 --> 00:53:56,667
Jesus, you're like
50 years older than her!
1319
00:53:56,667 --> 00:53:58,708
- In the future, age doesn't matter.
1320
00:53:58,708 --> 00:53:59,750
- What the hell does that mean?
1321
00:53:59,750 --> 00:54:02,458
- Age is just the number of years
that you've been born!
1322
00:54:02,458 --> 00:54:07,042
- Oh-- I mean, yeah, that--
that-- that is exactly what age means.
1323
00:54:07,042 --> 00:54:08,750
That's-- You're correct.
1324
00:54:08,750 --> 00:54:09,958
But, come on, man!
1325
00:54:09,958 --> 00:54:12,542
You're supposed to be helping me,
and you married the love of my life?
1326
00:54:13,042 --> 00:54:14,625
This is a nightmare, okay?
1327
00:54:14,625 --> 00:54:16,208
If I ever did anything good for anybody,
1328
00:54:16,208 --> 00:54:18,375
could you please--
could you take me there?
1329
00:54:18,375 --> 00:54:20,167
Could you show me one scenario
1330
00:54:20,167 --> 00:54:22,542
that was actually better off
with me in attendance?
1331
00:54:22,542 --> 00:54:25,500
- Okay, okay. Let's go
to the Christmas dinner at your family's.
1332
00:54:25,500 --> 00:54:27,292
- We were already there, Angel!
1333
00:54:27,292 --> 00:54:30,292
- Are you sure?
- Yes! It was a disaster!
1334
00:54:30,292 --> 00:54:32,375
- I don't remember, but you're the boss.
1335
00:54:32,958 --> 00:54:35,583
But isn't there somebody special
from your past?
1336
00:54:35,583 --> 00:54:37,792
- Yes, and you married her in the future!
1337
00:54:37,792 --> 00:54:40,583
- Hey! Let's keep
my wonderful wife out of it, okay?
1338
00:54:40,583 --> 00:54:43,667
You know, you are really tough to please.
1339
00:54:43,667 --> 00:54:45,542
No wonder everybody hates you!
1340
00:54:45,542 --> 00:54:46,708
ANDREW:
Fine. You know what?
1341
00:54:46,708 --> 00:54:50,667
I will no longer hurt my family
or anyone else in my life, okay?
1342
00:54:50,667 --> 00:54:54,083
How about you just take me back
to the hospital where I was born
1343
00:54:54,083 --> 00:54:55,833
and I put myself up for adoption?
1344
00:54:55,833 --> 00:54:58,083
That way, we erase
all of this from ever happening.
1345
00:54:58,083 --> 00:55:01,708
That sounds like a better idea
than whatever... this is!
1346
00:55:01,708 --> 00:55:02,708
- Your wish!
1347
00:55:03,458 --> 00:55:04,458
MAYOR KIMMI:
Slap that tushy!
1348
00:55:04,458 --> 00:55:06,958
- Ooh!
- Oh! Ha-ha!
1349
00:55:06,958 --> 00:55:08,750
- We're still here--
I'm still watching this, man!
1350
00:55:08,750 --> 00:55:11,333
- I'm not done!
[Future Angel and Kimmi laughing]
1351
00:55:11,333 --> 00:55:13,125
DELRAY DONNA:
Hey, wake up. We're at the orphanage.
1352
00:55:13,125 --> 00:55:14,167
- Hey.
- Hey.
1353
00:55:14,750 --> 00:55:17,208
- I think I sucked it down two pipe.
1354
00:55:17,208 --> 00:55:20,000
- Not possible.
- Hey. Two pipe, RIP.
1355
00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:22,917
- So we gotta focus.
We gotta trick the shit out of this lady.
1356
00:55:22,917 --> 00:55:25,458
- What did you say your names were?
POMPANO MIKE: I...
1357
00:55:26,833 --> 00:55:29,250
am... Dave...
1358
00:55:30,833 --> 00:55:31,833
id.
1359
00:55:33,583 --> 00:55:34,708
Letterman.
1360
00:55:34,708 --> 00:55:36,292
David-- David Letterman.
1361
00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:38,958
- And I am...
1362
00:55:42,708 --> 00:55:45,375
[Delray Donna mouths "Pompano Mike"]
1363
00:55:45,375 --> 00:55:47,292
Pompano Mike.
- Yep.
1364
00:55:47,292 --> 00:55:49,875
- Well, being fully transparent here,
1365
00:55:50,958 --> 00:55:54,167
my first instinct is that
you're giving me fake names.
1366
00:55:54,167 --> 00:55:57,667
[Pompano Mike gasps]
- Oh. Oh.
1367
00:55:57,667 --> 00:56:01,625
[Hags laughs, mumbles]
- I don't know why...
1368
00:56:01,625 --> 00:56:05,042
- Oh, that's awful.
- ...you'd accuse us of that.
1369
00:56:05,042 --> 00:56:06,083
The audacity!
1370
00:56:06,083 --> 00:56:10,167
- Well, the time it took you
to say your names.
1371
00:56:10,167 --> 00:56:12,917
The looks that you gave each other
after you said each name.
1372
00:56:12,917 --> 00:56:13,750
- Shoot.
1373
00:56:13,750 --> 00:56:16,583
- And the names themselves
are pretty unbelievable.
1374
00:56:16,583 --> 00:56:19,542
- Excuse me?
We would never do something like that!
1375
00:56:19,542 --> 00:56:21,458
- Honey--
- Hey, we are very honest people.
1376
00:56:21,458 --> 00:56:22,708
I'm sorry!
- Mike--
1377
00:56:22,708 --> 00:56:25,583
- Okay, yeah.
See, all of this feels pretty suspect.
1378
00:56:25,583 --> 00:56:28,542
- You are being
extremely rude and unprofessional,
1379
00:56:28,542 --> 00:56:31,250
and I don't know why
you would accuse someone of like this.
1380
00:56:31,750 --> 00:56:33,125
Can I have a word with you?
1381
00:56:33,125 --> 00:56:35,958
You should be ashamed.
1382
00:56:35,958 --> 00:56:39,042
- Okay, I did not mean to offend. I just--
1383
00:56:39,042 --> 00:56:41,833
[laughs mockingly]
1384
00:56:41,833 --> 00:56:45,250
- I don't know why you'd accuse us of...
1385
00:56:45,250 --> 00:56:46,792
[mumbles indistinctly]
1386
00:56:46,792 --> 00:56:47,792
- Extremely rude!
1387
00:56:47,792 --> 00:56:52,042
- Oh, my God! Christmas Eve is one
of the toughest nights at the orphanage
1388
00:56:52,042 --> 00:56:53,500
and our Santa never showed up.
1389
00:56:54,333 --> 00:56:55,542
And these kids, they--
1390
00:56:58,167 --> 00:56:59,375
You know what?
1391
00:56:59,375 --> 00:57:02,292
If you wanna give me $50
to start the application process,
1392
00:57:02,292 --> 00:57:05,250
I will give you the benefit of the doubt
and run one of your IDs.
1393
00:57:05,250 --> 00:57:07,833
- There you go.
Oh, this is a balloon for the kids.
1394
00:57:07,833 --> 00:57:08,750
[whispers] Put that in your butt.
1395
00:57:08,750 --> 00:57:10,292
- I just need the ID, please.
1396
00:57:10,292 --> 00:57:11,958
- Uh, here's the cash.
- There you go.
1397
00:57:11,958 --> 00:57:13,958
- And your-- And your ID.
1398
00:57:14,750 --> 00:57:16,750
GRETA: Oh, uh...
POMPANO MIKE: It's me.
1399
00:57:16,750 --> 00:57:19,125
- I apologize, Mr. Letterman.
1400
00:57:19,125 --> 00:57:20,292
- You're welcome.
1401
00:57:20,292 --> 00:57:22,708
- Just one moment.
Just don't touch anything.
1402
00:57:22,708 --> 00:57:24,458
DELRAY DONNA:
Don't you feel silly?
1403
00:57:24,458 --> 00:57:26,667
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
1404
00:57:26,667 --> 00:57:28,958
- [whispers] What? [laughs] Wow!
1405
00:57:29,708 --> 00:57:33,083
That actually worked!
- Yes. Yes!
1406
00:57:33,083 --> 00:57:35,750
- Okay, okay, shh, shh, shh.
Guys, I'm gonna get the ring.
1407
00:57:35,750 --> 00:57:37,417
You guys go wait in the car.
1408
00:57:37,417 --> 00:57:40,208
I'm impressed. Really impressed, guys.
That was nuts!
1409
00:57:40,208 --> 00:57:43,167
- [whispering] Okay. See you out there.
- Wow!
1410
00:57:43,167 --> 00:57:44,625
- Guys, guys, shh.
1411
00:57:44,625 --> 00:57:46,167
- You got this!
1412
00:57:46,167 --> 00:57:48,375
My God, I think she really bought it!
- I did too.
1413
00:57:48,375 --> 00:57:49,583
- You were amazing!
1414
00:57:49,583 --> 00:57:53,042
- You kidding me? You were incredible!
1415
00:57:53,042 --> 00:57:55,792
I've never seen acting like that.
- Oh, yeah.
1416
00:57:55,792 --> 00:57:57,542
- And I've watched all CBS sitcoms.
1417
00:57:57,542 --> 00:57:59,167
- Hey, let's get outta here
before we get arrested.
1418
00:57:59,167 --> 00:58:00,042
- Sounds good.
- Okay.
1419
00:58:00,042 --> 00:58:02,542
- All right, everyone,
seems like Santa isn't coming this year.
1420
00:58:03,125 --> 00:58:05,167
But we're orphans,
so it should come as no surprise
1421
00:58:05,167 --> 00:58:08,958
that the adults around us have once again
neglected their responsibilities
1422
00:58:08,958 --> 00:58:10,042
at our expense.
1423
00:58:10,833 --> 00:58:13,333
But we're gonna have
an old-fashioned white elephant.
1424
00:58:13,917 --> 00:58:15,750
You pick a number,
and that person gets to choose a present.
1425
00:58:15,750 --> 00:58:16,958
[Grandma Ray yells]
1426
00:58:16,958 --> 00:58:18,625
We only steal when it's our turn.
1427
00:58:20,667 --> 00:58:21,750
- Hey.
1428
00:58:22,625 --> 00:58:23,708
How you guys doin'?
1429
00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:25,292
Look, I don't mean to interrupt, okay?
1430
00:58:25,292 --> 00:58:28,042
I'm just here to get my present,
and I can be on my merry way.
1431
00:58:28,042 --> 00:58:30,417
- You want that present?
You gotta sit down and play the game.
1432
00:58:30,417 --> 00:58:32,333
- Okay, see,
I don't really have time to play a game
1433
00:58:32,333 --> 00:58:33,458
'cause I'm trying to propose.
1434
00:58:33,458 --> 00:58:38,000
So what's a little $20 say
that I can get this gift and then roll?
1435
00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:39,583
- You think you can buy us with money?
1436
00:58:39,583 --> 00:58:42,208
- Okay, look, here.
35 is the best I can do.
1437
00:58:42,208 --> 00:58:44,792
See, I just got fired
and I told you, I'm trying to propose!
1438
00:58:44,792 --> 00:58:46,333
BOY:
I don't care about your personal life!
1439
00:58:46,333 --> 00:58:48,792
Now shut up and play.
If not, the door's right there.
1440
00:58:48,792 --> 00:58:51,417
- Okay, watch your tone
'cause you getting mildly disrespectful!
1441
00:58:51,417 --> 00:58:53,708
All right, I'm gonna play the game
with all of you guys.
1442
00:58:53,708 --> 00:58:56,125
Calm your energy,
little Buddy The Elf, okay?
1443
00:58:56,125 --> 00:58:58,167
What are we doing?
We singing Christmas carols or something?
1444
00:58:58,167 --> 00:59:00,000
- Are you high right now?
1445
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:04,417
♪ "Carol of the Bells" playing ♪
[sirens wailing]
1446
00:59:04,417 --> 00:59:06,042
[tires screeching]
1447
00:59:12,667 --> 00:59:14,542
- You guys are real quiet back there.
Are you all right?
1448
00:59:18,958 --> 00:59:19,958
- Mr. Letterman?
1449
00:59:21,125 --> 00:59:22,917
[tires screeching]
1450
00:59:22,917 --> 00:59:24,917
[sirens wailing]
1451
00:59:36,917 --> 00:59:38,375
- It better be Santa!
1452
00:59:38,375 --> 00:59:39,958
- We did it! Ahh!
1453
00:59:40,542 --> 00:59:42,208
Woo! We are here!
1454
00:59:42,208 --> 00:59:43,125
All right, come on!
1455
00:59:43,125 --> 00:59:45,417
♪ Christmas, Christmas, woo ♪
1456
00:59:45,417 --> 00:59:46,250
Let's go!
1457
00:59:47,292 --> 00:59:48,583
[Uncle Kris panting]
1458
00:59:49,333 --> 00:59:51,792
- Paul, we're paying you
to watch for bingers!
1459
00:59:51,792 --> 00:59:53,417
- Okay, girls, let's go! Come on.
1460
00:59:53,417 --> 00:59:56,000
- Hey, you're two hours late!
1461
00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:58,792
That is really messed up
to do to these kids, they're orphans!
1462
00:59:58,792 --> 00:59:59,875
I am only paying you half.
1463
00:59:59,875 --> 01:00:00,708
- Where's the chimney?
1464
01:00:00,708 --> 01:00:02,458
- No chimney.
We're going through the front door.
1465
01:00:02,458 --> 01:00:03,458
Will you put your beard on?
1466
01:00:03,458 --> 01:00:04,875
- Is there a chimney
that goes through the door?
1467
01:00:04,875 --> 01:00:06,708
- That doesn't make any sense.
We have to go.
1468
01:00:06,708 --> 01:00:07,542
- Okay. Let's go!
1469
01:00:08,958 --> 01:00:10,292
HAGS:
Okay, look here, Tiny Tim.
1470
01:00:10,292 --> 01:00:13,333
Let's be reasonable. I made a fair trade!
- No!
1471
01:00:13,333 --> 01:00:15,208
GRETA:
[singing] Look who I found!
1472
01:00:15,208 --> 01:00:16,375
- Ho-ho-ho!
1473
01:00:16,375 --> 01:00:17,375
- Merry Christmas!
1474
01:00:17,375 --> 01:00:19,167
- That fucker took my white elephant!
1475
01:00:19,167 --> 01:00:21,250
- Sammy, language! Get back here!
1476
01:00:21,250 --> 01:00:23,417
Security!
- No need. I'm leaving.
1477
01:00:23,417 --> 01:00:24,667
I'm leaving!
1478
01:00:25,375 --> 01:00:26,375
[thuds]
1479
01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,917
- Shit. Shit. Shit.
1480
01:00:28,917 --> 01:00:31,792
- Oops.
- God damn it. Get an ice pack!
1481
01:00:31,792 --> 01:00:32,792
Jesus!
1482
01:00:34,000 --> 01:00:36,083
♪ eerie music playing ♪
1483
01:00:36,083 --> 01:00:39,875
KIMMI:
You know, I think I'm leaving the K hole.
1484
01:00:39,875 --> 01:00:41,583
SARAH:
Yeah, I think maybe I feel normal now.
1485
01:00:41,583 --> 01:00:43,625
We're gonna find that fucker in here.
1486
01:00:44,625 --> 01:00:47,333
[in Sarah's voice] Wait, what the fuck?
1487
01:00:47,333 --> 01:00:48,750
- [in Kimmi's voice] What is happening?
1488
01:00:48,750 --> 01:00:50,667
- [in Sarah's voice]
I think we Freaky Friday'd.
1489
01:00:51,542 --> 01:00:52,792
- [in Kimmi's voice] No!
1490
01:00:54,042 --> 01:00:55,833
I don't want your voice!
1491
01:00:55,833 --> 01:00:58,625
- [in Sarah's voice] What? Why?
What's wrong with my voice?
1492
01:00:58,625 --> 01:01:00,125
- [in Kimmi's voice, mocking]
What's wrong with my voice?
1493
01:01:00,125 --> 01:01:01,458
That's me doing you as you.
1494
01:01:01,458 --> 01:01:02,875
It's not very pleasant.
1495
01:01:02,875 --> 01:01:05,333
[voice distorts and echoes]
1496
01:01:07,000 --> 01:01:10,000
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
1497
01:01:12,708 --> 01:01:15,292
[owl hooting]
1498
01:01:16,333 --> 01:01:19,042
[bird cawing]
1499
01:01:21,500 --> 01:01:23,875
- [echoing] Yahtzee!
1500
01:01:23,875 --> 01:01:29,542
- [echoing] Alexa... Alexa...
turn the Titilator to a 20.
1501
01:01:29,542 --> 01:01:32,458
[cackles]
1502
01:01:35,083 --> 01:01:36,208
- [in normal voice] Kimmi!
1503
01:01:36,875 --> 01:01:37,875
- Excuse me!
1504
01:01:37,875 --> 01:01:39,833
- That's the girl
that Hags is cheating on me with.
1505
01:01:39,833 --> 01:01:41,667
- This guy got knocked out.
Can you help me?
1506
01:01:41,667 --> 01:01:44,333
- Yeah, I'll help you.
Help you die, bitch.
1507
01:01:44,333 --> 01:01:46,750
- What? I don't have time for this.
1508
01:01:46,750 --> 01:01:48,458
KIMMI:
Oh, my God. Abort! She's gonna--
1509
01:01:48,458 --> 01:01:51,500
[girls scream]
[fire extinguisher hissing]
1510
01:01:52,958 --> 01:01:56,333
- Oh, man, I'm doing this.
I'm really doing this.
1511
01:01:56,333 --> 01:01:59,000
♪ soft music playing ♪
1512
01:01:59,000 --> 01:02:02,750
- Well, I'm not gonna lie,
I don't really remember the plan.
1513
01:02:03,375 --> 01:02:07,833
But I think
you're making the-- the right choice.
1514
01:02:07,833 --> 01:02:08,833
- Yeah.
1515
01:02:08,833 --> 01:02:11,375
Once I drop
my baby self over for adoption,
1516
01:02:11,375 --> 01:02:13,083
everyone's life will be much, much better.
1517
01:02:13,083 --> 01:02:14,875
Nature versus nurture. [chuckles]
1518
01:02:14,875 --> 01:02:17,583
Yeah, um, but before I do that,
1519
01:02:17,583 --> 01:02:18,917
do you have any more
of that golden powder?
1520
01:02:18,917 --> 01:02:21,958
- No! You smoked it all,
you greedy bastard.
1521
01:02:21,958 --> 01:02:23,292
- Oh, shit.
1522
01:02:23,292 --> 01:02:25,208
[sirens wailing]
HAGS: Andrew?
1523
01:02:25,875 --> 01:02:27,208
- I think it's starting to wear off.
1524
01:02:27,792 --> 01:02:29,000
- That's not good.
1525
01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,000
HAGS: Andrew?
- Who said that?
1526
01:02:31,000 --> 01:02:32,000
HAGS:
Andrew?
1527
01:02:32,500 --> 01:02:33,917
- Baby didn't say it.
1528
01:02:33,917 --> 01:02:36,250
HAGS: Andrew?
- Hags?
1529
01:02:36,750 --> 01:02:39,708
- Bags? Who's Bags?
- Hags.
1530
01:02:40,375 --> 01:02:42,500
HAGS: Andrew?
- Hags?
1531
01:02:42,500 --> 01:02:44,167
- Andrew,
what the fuck happened to your face?
1532
01:02:44,167 --> 01:02:46,083
And where'd you get that baby?
1533
01:02:46,083 --> 01:02:47,333
- Where'd you get that baby?
1534
01:02:47,333 --> 01:02:50,250
- You stole a baby?
Oh, you're going to prison.
1535
01:02:50,250 --> 01:02:52,167
I can't help you. Goodbye.
1536
01:02:52,167 --> 01:02:53,500
- Who is that?
1537
01:02:54,500 --> 01:02:55,750
- Thank God!
1538
01:02:55,750 --> 01:02:58,458
This guy tried
to steal presents from orphans.
1539
01:02:58,458 --> 01:03:01,708
And then, this guy with the long hair
stole a baby, I think.
1540
01:03:01,708 --> 01:03:03,583
- Stole a baby?
- I just--
1541
01:03:03,583 --> 01:03:05,417
- We're here
because there's an escaped convict
1542
01:03:05,417 --> 01:03:07,000
somewhere in this place dressed as Santa.
1543
01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:09,875
- Oh, my God! He's upstairs!
1544
01:03:09,875 --> 01:03:11,333
- Take care of these guys.
1545
01:03:11,333 --> 01:03:14,042
- Do... not... move.
1546
01:03:15,917 --> 01:03:16,917
Whose baby is that?
1547
01:03:16,917 --> 01:03:18,458
- I can explain easily.
1548
01:03:18,458 --> 01:03:19,917
- He can explain.
- Yeah.
1549
01:03:19,917 --> 01:03:22,000
- I'm waitin'.
- It's actually pretty simple.
1550
01:03:22,000 --> 01:03:24,167
I went back in time
thanks to this guy named Angel
1551
01:03:24,167 --> 01:03:26,875
that I met under a bridge
after I got attacked by the Christmas Owl.
1552
01:03:26,875 --> 01:03:29,750
He showed me that my family's better off
without me in their lives.
1553
01:03:29,750 --> 01:03:31,458
So I went to the hospital,
stole my baby self,
1554
01:03:31,458 --> 01:03:32,708
and now I'm here
to set him up for adoption
1555
01:03:32,708 --> 01:03:35,042
so that, hopefully, I get a better life!
1556
01:03:36,458 --> 01:03:37,917
- Fuckin' Binge.
1557
01:03:37,917 --> 01:03:41,208
Why, oh, why did they have
to put The Binge on Christmas?
1558
01:03:41,208 --> 01:03:42,208
- I know!
1559
01:03:42,208 --> 01:03:43,625
OFFICER:
What the hell is wrong with you?
1560
01:03:43,625 --> 01:03:45,333
You sucked it down pipe, didn't you?
1561
01:03:46,208 --> 01:03:49,750
Give me this. Stealing from the kids!
You should be ashamed of yourself.
1562
01:03:50,250 --> 01:03:54,125
- I want the elves to build
the perfect family... for all of us.
1563
01:03:54,125 --> 01:03:57,042
And I'm sorry
I called that guy a fucker before.
1564
01:03:57,625 --> 01:03:59,250
I hope you don't hold it against me.
1565
01:03:59,250 --> 01:04:03,125
- [laughs] Sammy,
Santa doesn't hold grudges.
1566
01:04:03,125 --> 01:04:05,208
But that is a bad word,
and you shouldn't say it.
1567
01:04:05,208 --> 01:04:06,667
And it's hard not to.
1568
01:04:06,667 --> 01:04:09,542
Sometimes even Santa says it.
1569
01:04:09,542 --> 01:04:11,167
You know, the reindeer will bite me,
1570
01:04:11,167 --> 01:04:13,958
and I want to be like, "Whoa, you fucker!"
1571
01:04:14,833 --> 01:04:16,083
But I don't.
1572
01:04:16,083 --> 01:04:20,042
And I wish you and all the children
to find the perfect home.
1573
01:04:20,042 --> 01:04:24,417
And you can
if you just have faith, all right?
1574
01:04:24,417 --> 01:04:29,750
And right now, I'm gonna need all of you
to help save Christmas this year.
1575
01:04:30,250 --> 01:04:31,875
We need to go to a place
1576
01:04:31,875 --> 01:04:35,208
that is the heart
and the soul of Christmas.
1577
01:04:35,208 --> 01:04:38,500
Let's go to Winter Wonderland!
1578
01:04:38,500 --> 01:04:41,250
[kids cheering]
- Yes! All right, let's go!
1579
01:04:41,250 --> 01:04:42,625
- He's trying to steal the kids!
1580
01:04:42,625 --> 01:04:44,458
- They're gonna kill Santa!
OFFICER: That's not Santa.
1581
01:04:44,458 --> 01:04:46,542
It's just a guy dressed up.
1582
01:04:47,542 --> 01:04:48,667
Tell the orphans.
1583
01:04:50,458 --> 01:04:54,125
- Well, if I'm not Santa,
then how do I remember this?
1584
01:04:55,000 --> 01:04:57,375
Christmas 2006,
1585
01:04:57,375 --> 01:05:01,417
I went down your chimney,
and I left an iPod mini, a Nerf football,
1586
01:05:01,417 --> 01:05:06,667
and a lava lamp from Spencer's Gifts,
just like you wanted.
1587
01:05:06,667 --> 01:05:11,083
You left me a glass of almond milk
with an oatmeal cookie,
1588
01:05:11,083 --> 01:05:15,208
which I ate half of just to let you know
that I'd been there.
1589
01:05:15,875 --> 01:05:19,500
Your house was the epitome of Americana,
1590
01:05:19,500 --> 01:05:23,667
white picket fence
and two golden retrievers.
1591
01:05:23,667 --> 01:05:24,667
- Wow.
1592
01:05:25,583 --> 01:05:29,625
♪ rousing music playing ♪
1593
01:05:32,458 --> 01:05:34,833
- I was raised in a shit-hole apartment
on 8th Avenue.
1594
01:05:36,125 --> 01:05:37,250
No pets.
1595
01:05:37,250 --> 01:05:38,625
And I'm Jewish.
1596
01:05:39,417 --> 01:05:40,625
[handcuffs clink]
1597
01:05:43,500 --> 01:05:45,625
- We're all Jewish.
- No, we're not.
1598
01:05:45,625 --> 01:05:48,125
- It was... a firehouse.
1599
01:05:48,125 --> 01:05:50,125
That's where you lived, a firehouse.
- All right, let's go.
1600
01:05:50,125 --> 01:05:51,958
- You had 14 cats.
1601
01:05:51,958 --> 01:05:53,292
- No pets. I told you.
1602
01:05:53,292 --> 01:05:54,417
He's not Santa.
1603
01:05:54,417 --> 01:05:55,875
- He's made out of wood!
1604
01:05:55,875 --> 01:05:57,500
- Flesh and bones.
You're under arrest. Let's go.
1605
01:05:57,500 --> 01:05:59,208
[muffled whispering]
1606
01:05:59,208 --> 01:06:00,250
- It's okay.
1607
01:06:00,250 --> 01:06:03,917
♪ whimsical music playing ♪
1608
01:06:10,917 --> 01:06:12,500
- Whoa, I know you!
1609
01:06:13,000 --> 01:06:14,500
You're my future wife!
1610
01:06:15,167 --> 01:06:16,875
[girls scream]
1611
01:06:18,417 --> 01:06:19,417
- [gasps] Oh!
1612
01:06:19,417 --> 01:06:21,667
[baby whimpering]
1613
01:06:23,458 --> 01:06:27,417
- Hi. Wondering if you had a baby stolen
from your hospital tonight?
1614
01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:29,750
Yeah. I know.
1615
01:06:29,750 --> 01:06:32,083
I don't know why they would
make The Binge on Christmas either.
1616
01:06:32,583 --> 01:06:34,083
- I need that fucking owl.
1617
01:06:34,083 --> 01:06:37,208
- Jesus Christ, Kimmi.
Give it up already. Who cares?
1618
01:06:38,167 --> 01:06:40,292
- I care. I care, Sarah.
1619
01:06:40,292 --> 01:06:42,667
I've been doing everything
that you care about all night!
1620
01:06:42,667 --> 01:06:45,833
I'm literally at the orphanage
because you needed to find Hags.
1621
01:06:45,833 --> 01:06:48,542
- Who?
- Sarah, it's okay to be sad.
1622
01:06:48,542 --> 01:06:52,000
You guys dated for a long time.
Just let it out.
1623
01:06:52,000 --> 01:06:55,417
- Kimmi, can you just give up the act
for like 30 seconds?
1624
01:06:56,000 --> 01:06:57,875
You've been saying shit
like you're my therapist,
1625
01:06:57,875 --> 01:06:59,875
and I've been tolerating it all night.
1626
01:06:59,875 --> 01:07:01,875
- You're not a walk in the park either.
1627
01:07:01,875 --> 01:07:04,167
I mean, sometimes
I literally think you're, like, acting up
1628
01:07:04,167 --> 01:07:05,500
'cause you're jealous or something.
1629
01:07:06,333 --> 01:07:07,917
- I'm jealous of you?
1630
01:07:07,917 --> 01:07:10,333
- You're jealous of me
because I have a life
1631
01:07:10,333 --> 01:07:13,000
and I have new things to do
and new responsibilities,
1632
01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:15,458
and you're still out there
calling yourself a prom queen.
1633
01:07:17,083 --> 01:07:18,292
- You do you, Kimmi.
1634
01:07:18,292 --> 01:07:21,667
And for your information,
I graduated eighth in my class
1635
01:07:21,667 --> 01:07:23,542
in online cosmetology school,
1636
01:07:23,542 --> 01:07:28,000
which you would know if you cared about
talking about anyone other than yourself.
1637
01:07:29,375 --> 01:07:34,250
Good luck finding your owl
and in all your future endeavors.
1638
01:07:35,250 --> 01:07:36,292
- Right!
1639
01:07:36,292 --> 01:07:39,583
POMPANO MIKE: They got 'em all. Dang it!
DELRAY DONNA: Oh, man! Scooped 'em.
1640
01:07:39,583 --> 01:07:41,583
POMPANO MIKE: There's only one thing
we can do at this point,
1641
01:07:41,583 --> 01:07:43,500
good old-fashioned heist.
1642
01:07:43,500 --> 01:07:45,125
Ocean's Eleven style.
1643
01:07:45,125 --> 01:07:47,833
- But there's only us. Oceans Two?
1644
01:07:47,833 --> 01:07:48,750
POMPANO MIKE:
Hear me out here.
1645
01:07:48,750 --> 01:07:50,833
Remember that barbershop quartet
I was in?
1646
01:07:50,833 --> 01:07:52,458
- We Cut Hair and Sing?
POMPANO MIKE: No, no.
1647
01:07:52,458 --> 01:07:54,083
That was the first one.
The one after that.
1648
01:07:54,083 --> 01:07:56,042
- Big Old Pump
and the Tiny, Tiny Pom Poms?
1649
01:07:56,042 --> 01:07:57,917
- Nope. You jumped two.
The one right in the middle.
1650
01:07:57,917 --> 01:07:59,750
- Yellow Brick Road Scholars?
1651
01:07:59,750 --> 01:08:01,292
- No, no, that was the last one.
The middle one.
1652
01:08:01,292 --> 01:08:04,125
- Oh! We Sing Songs?
- Yes. We Sing Songs.
1653
01:08:04,125 --> 01:08:07,042
So that's three more guys.
That gets us to Ocean's Five.
1654
01:08:07,042 --> 01:08:11,375
But wait, I heard Geppetto
swore off quartetting forever
1655
01:08:11,375 --> 01:08:12,792
for religious reasons.
1656
01:08:12,792 --> 01:08:15,292
Says that baritone is the devil's pitch.
1657
01:08:15,292 --> 01:08:16,583
DELRAY DONNA: That's too bad.
- I know.
1658
01:08:16,583 --> 01:08:18,458
- He was quite a talent.
- He really was.
1659
01:08:18,458 --> 01:08:21,708
- Okay, so without Geppetto, Ocean's Four?
1660
01:08:21,708 --> 01:08:23,208
- Darn it. You know, you're right.
1661
01:08:23,208 --> 01:08:25,417
Any way you slice it,
we're never gonna get to Eleven.
1662
01:08:25,417 --> 01:08:26,792
- No.
[Pompano Mike sighs]
1663
01:08:26,792 --> 01:08:28,500
POMPANO MIKE: Well, I guess
we're gonna have to do this one solo.
1664
01:08:28,500 --> 01:08:30,542
And by solo, I mean me and you.
1665
01:08:32,333 --> 01:08:33,625
But when we work together,
1666
01:08:34,417 --> 01:08:35,750
you and me,
1667
01:08:35,750 --> 01:08:38,625
we can get through anything
life throws at us!
1668
01:08:38,625 --> 01:08:39,792
Ain't that right, baby?
1669
01:08:40,625 --> 01:08:43,125
[Delray Donna snoring]
1670
01:08:43,125 --> 01:08:45,000
- You grew up on 8th Avenue.
1671
01:08:45,000 --> 01:08:47,667
It was a small apartment. No pets.
1672
01:08:47,667 --> 01:08:49,458
- Yeah, I told you all that stuff
at the orphanage.
1673
01:08:50,042 --> 01:08:51,458
- Yeah, I know. I'd already known that.
1674
01:08:51,458 --> 01:08:52,792
I was just having fun with you.
1675
01:08:53,542 --> 01:08:54,750
- Sure.
1676
01:08:54,750 --> 01:08:56,917
- I never delivered presents to you
'cause you were Jewish,
1677
01:08:56,917 --> 01:08:58,625
but your neighbors, Barbara and Henry,
1678
01:08:58,625 --> 01:09:00,250
they had a daughter named Patty,
1679
01:09:00,250 --> 01:09:01,333
and the family owned a bakery,
1680
01:09:01,333 --> 01:09:02,917
and they would leave me
really good cookies.
1681
01:09:02,917 --> 01:09:04,417
Yeah, they were a really nice family.
1682
01:09:05,250 --> 01:09:06,792
We'll be outta here, guys. Don't worry.
1683
01:09:06,792 --> 01:09:08,167
- [softly]
I didn't tell him any of those things.
1684
01:09:08,167 --> 01:09:11,542
- If this motherfucker is really Santa,
that's on you.
1685
01:09:12,792 --> 01:09:13,792
Love you, Santa.
1686
01:09:14,875 --> 01:09:17,000
- So you're just not gonna talk to me now?
1687
01:09:17,000 --> 01:09:19,208
- You hung up on me, man.
- I called you back.
1688
01:09:19,208 --> 01:09:20,375
- You did?
- Yes!
1689
01:09:20,375 --> 01:09:24,208
- Oh, okay,
'cause I was in a dark place, okay?
1690
01:09:25,125 --> 01:09:28,375
I felt like my family
would be better off without me,
1691
01:09:28,375 --> 01:09:30,292
and I met this guy Angel
1692
01:09:30,292 --> 01:09:33,625
who actually showed me
what my family'd be like without me,
1693
01:09:35,500 --> 01:09:36,708
and, well, I was right.
1694
01:09:38,250 --> 01:09:40,542
- No, Andrew, you were wrong.
1695
01:09:41,125 --> 01:09:42,625
Because I'm your family.
1696
01:09:42,625 --> 01:09:44,000
If I'd have known you were in trouble,
1697
01:09:44,000 --> 01:09:46,250
I would've dropped everything I was doing
to be by your side.
1698
01:09:48,125 --> 01:09:49,417
There's always room for family.
1699
01:09:51,875 --> 01:09:53,042
- Dominic Toretto.
1700
01:09:54,833 --> 01:09:55,833
Fast Five.
1701
01:10:01,625 --> 01:10:02,958
- All right, you each get a phone call.
1702
01:10:03,375 --> 01:10:05,125
Jailhouse Jesus, you're up first.
1703
01:10:05,125 --> 01:10:06,167
- Pass.
1704
01:10:06,167 --> 01:10:08,375
- You don't have
anyone to call on Christmas?
1705
01:10:08,375 --> 01:10:11,458
- Well, anyone I'd call
is in this jail cell with me right now.
1706
01:10:12,542 --> 01:10:14,542
- Wow. That's sad.
1707
01:10:15,375 --> 01:10:16,542
Pathetic, actually.
1708
01:10:17,458 --> 01:10:20,458
I have like 10 people
off the top of my head I could call,
1709
01:10:20,458 --> 01:10:21,625
20 probably.
1710
01:10:22,250 --> 01:10:24,417
Kayla, you got people
you could call, right?
1711
01:10:24,417 --> 01:10:25,542
- Every damn day.
1712
01:10:25,542 --> 01:10:27,083
- Every day,
she has friends she could call.
1713
01:10:27,083 --> 01:10:29,167
What about you?
You got someone you wanna call?
1714
01:10:29,167 --> 01:10:30,583
- Yeah, you should call Sarah.
1715
01:10:31,583 --> 01:10:33,667
- Uh... yeah.
1716
01:10:34,583 --> 01:10:36,458
Yeah, I'll-- I'll take my call.
1717
01:10:36,458 --> 01:10:38,333
- Of course, he's gonna make a call.
Everyone should.
1718
01:10:38,333 --> 01:10:40,042
KAYLE: What a loser.
- Find friends.
1719
01:10:40,042 --> 01:10:42,958
KAYLA: I have no respect for people
who have no long-term relationships.
1720
01:10:44,083 --> 01:10:45,792
DELRAY DONNA:
Sure no one will notice us here?
1721
01:10:45,792 --> 01:10:47,042
POMPANO MIKE:
There's no way they could.
1722
01:10:47,042 --> 01:10:48,208
Here's the plan.
1723
01:10:48,208 --> 01:10:50,625
I'm gonna be responsible
for sneaking the guys out.
1724
01:10:50,625 --> 01:10:53,708
That means all you have to do
is hack into the mainframe
1725
01:10:53,708 --> 01:10:56,375
and shut down the cameras,
the security system,
1726
01:10:56,375 --> 01:10:58,000
and the locking mechanism to the cell.
1727
01:10:58,000 --> 01:11:01,000
From there, you're gonna
shadow ban yourself on the dark web.
1728
01:11:01,000 --> 01:11:03,125
- You're gonna be completely incognito.
- All right.
1729
01:11:03,125 --> 01:11:04,208
- Then you're gonna go in,
1730
01:11:04,208 --> 01:11:08,333
reroute all the calls
in the local area 40 miles east,
1731
01:11:08,333 --> 01:11:10,083
sending the squad cars away.
1732
01:11:10,083 --> 01:11:13,125
- Mainframe.
- Yeah. Squad cars away.
1733
01:11:14,000 --> 01:11:15,375
- Wait, you want me to do this?
1734
01:11:15,375 --> 01:11:19,083
- Yeah, we don't have a full eleven,
so I allocated all the tech stuff to you.
1735
01:11:19,083 --> 01:11:22,042
- Well, I don't know how
to do any of the stuff you just said.
1736
01:11:22,042 --> 01:11:24,458
- Not even a simple vector decoy or...
1737
01:11:24,458 --> 01:11:26,625
- Just give me one sec.
- Yep.
1738
01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:33,000
♪ soft ethereal music playing ♪
1739
01:11:33,875 --> 01:11:35,333
- I got it.
- Nice.
1740
01:11:35,333 --> 01:11:38,750
- I saw this episode of Cops once
where this guy did a shit ton of PCP.
1741
01:11:39,250 --> 01:11:41,875
He got hit by a monster truck,
didn't feel a thing!
1742
01:11:41,875 --> 01:11:43,792
You do a gentleman's dose,
1743
01:11:43,792 --> 01:11:45,875
get in there,
distract the shit out of 'em.
1744
01:11:45,875 --> 01:11:47,583
You'll be virtually invincible.
1745
01:11:47,583 --> 01:11:49,708
I'll get in and get the keys to the cell.
1746
01:11:52,833 --> 01:11:54,542
- We're gonna make great parents one day.
1747
01:11:54,542 --> 01:11:55,750
- I love you.
- Love you too.
1748
01:11:55,750 --> 01:11:56,750
- Okay.
1749
01:11:58,708 --> 01:12:00,208
- So just a gentleman's amount.
1750
01:12:03,750 --> 01:12:05,208
[snorts sharply]
1751
01:12:05,208 --> 01:12:06,750
♪ dark rumbling music playing ♪
1752
01:12:06,750 --> 01:12:09,375
[howling]
1753
01:12:09,375 --> 01:12:10,375
[thunder cracks]
1754
01:12:10,958 --> 01:12:13,375
- Hi, I am...
1755
01:12:15,833 --> 01:12:16,833
Pompano Mike,
1756
01:12:17,333 --> 01:12:21,000
and I just had a question about
some people that you took in tonight.
1757
01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:25,208
- Are you a relative
or legal guardian, Mike?
1758
01:12:25,208 --> 01:12:28,208
- Uhhhh...
1759
01:12:31,292 --> 01:12:33,708
Look. Look at this.
1760
01:12:33,708 --> 01:12:36,875
[Pompano Mike screaming]
1761
01:12:38,458 --> 01:12:41,458
Oh, my God! Are you seeing this?
1762
01:12:41,458 --> 01:12:44,667
- Hey, sir. I'm gonna need you to stop it.
1763
01:12:44,667 --> 01:12:47,625
- Oh, man! What's happening?
[Pompano Mike continues screaming]
1764
01:12:48,917 --> 01:12:51,042
Who is this guy?
POMPANO MIKE: I think it's working.
1765
01:12:51,542 --> 01:12:54,292
[Pompano Mike screaming]
[glass shatters]
1766
01:12:55,917 --> 01:12:57,292
Yeah, yeah, okay, we're good.
1767
01:12:57,292 --> 01:13:00,292
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
1768
01:13:06,333 --> 01:13:07,958
- Another Merry Christmas call.
1769
01:13:07,958 --> 01:13:09,458
- You have too many friends.
1770
01:13:09,458 --> 01:13:11,708
[Pompano Mike screaming in distance]
1771
01:13:17,042 --> 01:13:18,208
[ornaments clattering]
1772
01:13:19,583 --> 01:13:21,375
- Pompano Mike,
what the hell are you doing here?
1773
01:13:21,375 --> 01:13:23,667
- Should we be concerned about this?
POMPANO MIKE: To rescue you guys!
1774
01:13:23,667 --> 01:13:24,875
- No. Not at all.
1775
01:13:24,875 --> 01:13:26,625
[Pompano Mike screaming]
1776
01:13:30,542 --> 01:13:33,667
Ah! Cops! Take that!
- All right.
1777
01:13:34,833 --> 01:13:39,083
- Terminator 2.
Terminator 2. Terminator 2!
1778
01:13:39,083 --> 01:13:41,167
Come on, Terminator 2.
1779
01:13:41,167 --> 01:13:45,375
Ah, what the fuck?
They-- They put away Santa? That's it!
1780
01:13:45,375 --> 01:13:47,167
- Ooh.
- Let me in there, pal.
1781
01:13:47,167 --> 01:13:48,167
- Okay, okay.
1782
01:13:48,167 --> 01:13:49,292
- Let me in there right now.
1783
01:13:49,292 --> 01:13:51,667
HAGS: Those aren't real guns, guys.
He's not armed.
1784
01:13:52,667 --> 01:13:54,250
- I am armed.
1785
01:13:54,250 --> 01:13:56,750
[laughs] You don't wanna know
what these bullets feel like.
1786
01:13:56,750 --> 01:13:59,250
Hey, Santa, what's up?
- Hi.
1787
01:13:59,250 --> 01:14:01,292
- This is what you get
when you fuck with Santa!
1788
01:14:02,333 --> 01:14:04,333
Now close it.
OFFICER: You asked for this.
1789
01:14:04,333 --> 01:14:06,792
- Close it up! That's good.
1790
01:14:06,792 --> 01:14:10,083
That's a good guy. That's a good guy.
1791
01:14:10,083 --> 01:14:11,292
- There you go, partner.
1792
01:14:11,292 --> 01:14:13,917
POMPANO MIKE: All right, guys.
It's gonna take all of us this time.
1793
01:14:13,917 --> 01:14:14,917
Let's go!
1794
01:14:14,917 --> 01:14:16,792
[screams] Come on!
1795
01:14:16,792 --> 01:14:19,917
[Andrew and Pompano Mike
screaming "Terminator 2"]
1796
01:14:19,917 --> 01:14:22,125
- Woo!
1797
01:14:32,125 --> 01:14:35,125
♪ eerie music playing ♪
1798
01:14:36,417 --> 01:14:39,417
♪ "Ode to Joy" playing ♪
1799
01:14:53,708 --> 01:14:54,750
- Thank you, Diane.
1800
01:14:54,750 --> 01:14:57,167
We are here live at Winter Wonderland
1801
01:14:57,167 --> 01:15:00,792
where it appears that the Bingers
are staging a mutiny.
1802
01:15:00,792 --> 01:15:03,167
Mayor Spengler
has completely lost control.
1803
01:15:03,167 --> 01:15:08,208
Her request to keep this event Binge free
has only made people want to binge more.
1804
01:15:08,208 --> 01:15:09,375
It's funny how that works.
1805
01:15:09,375 --> 01:15:12,000
I pulled a cupcake off one of the trays
when I entered in here,
1806
01:15:12,000 --> 01:15:15,417
and now people's faces are starting
to melt and turn neon.
1807
01:15:15,417 --> 01:15:17,083
I guess it was laced with something.
1808
01:15:17,083 --> 01:15:19,292
Par for the course for The Binge,
I suppose.
1809
01:15:19,292 --> 01:15:22,625
And I guess that's par for the course
for The Binge, I suppose.
1810
01:15:22,625 --> 01:15:25,458
I'm sorry. Did I just say that,
or did I think that?
1811
01:15:25,458 --> 01:15:26,833
I don't know.
1812
01:15:26,833 --> 01:15:30,208
But I do know it's par for the course
for The Binge.
1813
01:15:30,208 --> 01:15:33,208
[crowd chanting "Binge!"]
1814
01:15:35,917 --> 01:15:37,917
[tree thuds]
[crowd gasps]
1815
01:15:39,250 --> 01:15:41,250
[crowd cheering]
1816
01:15:41,250 --> 01:15:42,792
- Fuckin' Binge.
1817
01:15:42,792 --> 01:15:45,250
- Long live The Binge!
1818
01:15:45,250 --> 01:15:46,667
♪ bright cheery music playing ♪
1819
01:15:46,667 --> 01:15:47,958
KAYLA:
Now this is Christmas.
1820
01:15:49,208 --> 01:15:50,292
OFFICER:
Got another one.
1821
01:15:50,292 --> 01:15:52,208
He was standing
in someone's living room,
1822
01:15:52,208 --> 01:15:54,625
pretending to be a ghost
and eating their food.
1823
01:15:54,625 --> 01:15:56,250
- I love chicken wings.
1824
01:15:56,250 --> 01:15:59,542
Oh, my mother's golden brown--
- Angel?
1825
01:15:59,542 --> 01:16:00,583
ANGEL:
Anderooney!
1826
01:16:00,583 --> 01:16:04,875
Look what I got
from the orphanage! [giggles]
1827
01:16:05,458 --> 01:16:06,708
Merry Bingemas!
1828
01:16:06,708 --> 01:16:09,250
- Oh, fuck it.
It's already the worst Christmas ever.
1829
01:16:09,958 --> 01:16:10,958
Let's go.
1830
01:16:10,958 --> 01:16:12,833
♪ bright harp music playing ♪
1831
01:16:12,833 --> 01:16:14,042
ANGEL:
Binge!
1832
01:16:16,125 --> 01:16:19,125
- ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
1833
01:16:19,125 --> 01:16:22,042
- ♪ There's no love for me this year ♪
1834
01:16:22,042 --> 01:16:25,167
- ♪ No, we won't be together ♪
1835
01:16:25,167 --> 01:16:27,958
♪ No bailing me outta here ♪
1836
01:16:27,958 --> 01:16:31,125
♪ No ho-ho-hos, no mistletoes ♪
1837
01:16:31,125 --> 01:16:34,125
♪ No angels getting wings ♪
1838
01:16:34,125 --> 01:16:36,375
♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
1839
01:16:36,375 --> 01:16:37,375
[set thuds]
1840
01:16:37,375 --> 01:16:40,833
♪ 'Cause The Binge has gone
and ruined everything ♪
1841
01:16:40,833 --> 01:16:41,917
[snorting]
1842
01:16:41,917 --> 01:16:43,583
- ♪ Well, I was gonna propose ♪
1843
01:16:43,583 --> 01:16:45,875
♪ Now I'm totally hosed
and I'm haunted by this ring ♪
1844
01:16:45,875 --> 01:16:48,583
- ♪ And now I'm all alone
sitting on my throne ♪
1845
01:16:48,583 --> 01:16:52,292
♪ Still looking for my homecoming king ♪
1846
01:16:52,292 --> 01:16:53,833
- ♪ I saw the future, I saw the past ♪
1847
01:16:53,833 --> 01:16:56,208
♪ I need The Binge to end at last ♪
1848
01:16:56,208 --> 01:16:58,417
- ♪ Yeah, I'm on the prowl
for the stupid owl ♪
1849
01:16:58,417 --> 01:17:00,250
♪ And Kimberly, seriously ♪
1850
01:17:00,250 --> 01:17:01,083
[owl screeches]
1851
01:17:01,083 --> 01:17:05,250
♪ Maybe I'm growing up way too fast ♪
1852
01:17:05,250 --> 01:17:08,333
- ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
1853
01:17:08,333 --> 01:17:12,167
- ♪ Who thought it was smart for The Binge
to start on this jolly holiday? ♪
1854
01:17:12,167 --> 01:17:14,292
♪ I just wanted to see my family ♪
1855
01:17:14,292 --> 01:17:18,375
♪ But now I better
head back up north on my sleigh ♪
1856
01:17:18,375 --> 01:17:20,375
- ♪ I pimped my ride, my girl by my side ♪
1857
01:17:20,375 --> 01:17:22,000
♪ I thought I was in heaven ♪
1858
01:17:22,000 --> 01:17:24,583
♪ But The Binge made me realize ♪
1859
01:17:24,583 --> 01:17:29,667
♪ I'll never have my own Ocean's Eleven ♪
1860
01:17:29,667 --> 01:17:31,250
- ♪ Well, you see, way back in the day ♪
1861
01:17:31,250 --> 01:17:32,417
♪ I killed a guy in LA ♪
1862
01:17:32,417 --> 01:17:34,458
♪ And this other bro
living in San Antonio ♪
1863
01:17:34,458 --> 01:17:36,417
♪ Had a bit of a spree in Tallahassee ♪
1864
01:17:36,417 --> 01:17:38,333
♪ Gotta get this off of my chest ♪
1865
01:17:38,333 --> 01:17:41,292
♪ 'Cause there never was an arrest ♪
1866
01:17:41,292 --> 01:17:42,958
- ♪ It's the worst Christmas-- ♪
1867
01:17:42,958 --> 01:17:44,125
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.
1868
01:17:44,125 --> 01:17:45,333
Hold on. That wasn't all.
1869
01:17:45,333 --> 01:17:46,583
I killed a guy in St. Paul
1870
01:17:46,583 --> 01:17:49,958
and a few others
at a mall in Niagara Falls. Oh, and--
1871
01:17:49,958 --> 01:17:53,250
- Angel, I don't think you should
be incriminating yourself like this.
1872
01:17:53,250 --> 01:17:56,125
- Oh, I thought
this song was a safe space.
1873
01:17:56,125 --> 01:17:57,958
I was... kidding?
1874
01:17:59,458 --> 01:18:02,625
- ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
1875
01:18:02,625 --> 01:18:05,542
♪ There's no love for me this year ♪
1876
01:18:05,542 --> 01:18:08,667
♪ No, we won't be together ♪
1877
01:18:08,667 --> 01:18:11,750
♪ There's no bailing me outta here ♪
1878
01:18:11,750 --> 01:18:17,417
♪ No ho-ho-hos, no mistletoes,
no angels getting wings ♪
1879
01:18:17,917 --> 01:18:20,417
[all singing off-key]
♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
1880
01:18:20,417 --> 01:18:26,417
♪ And The Binge has gone
and ruined everything ♪
1881
01:18:28,667 --> 01:18:29,917
- Good God!
1882
01:18:29,917 --> 01:18:31,250
- Fellas, take it from the top.
1883
01:18:31,250 --> 01:18:33,125
- No, no, no. No. Good news, folks.
1884
01:18:33,125 --> 01:18:35,125
We don't normally have
our holding tank full
1885
01:18:35,125 --> 01:18:36,708
of a bunch of singing people
on Christmas Eve.
1886
01:18:37,208 --> 01:18:39,292
KAYLA: And if this many people
are trying to bail you out,
1887
01:18:39,292 --> 01:18:41,333
then you must be something pretty special.
1888
01:18:41,333 --> 01:18:42,667
Come on in, family.
1889
01:18:43,167 --> 01:18:46,708
- Ah! [laughs]
- Shit. Mom?
1890
01:18:46,708 --> 01:18:48,958
- Which one do you
messed with my kid, huh? Which one?
1891
01:18:48,958 --> 01:18:50,292
[Rigo speaking Spanish]
1892
01:18:50,292 --> 01:18:51,208
- Dads?
1893
01:18:51,208 --> 01:18:53,833
- Your boy Hags called us.
Been looking for you all night, man!
1894
01:18:53,833 --> 01:18:55,958
- Wait, you have?
- Yeah.
1895
01:18:56,375 --> 01:18:58,208
- You used your one call for me, Hags?
1896
01:18:58,208 --> 01:19:00,958
- Yeah, man, of course!
What would Diesel do?
1897
01:19:00,958 --> 01:19:01,958
- Wow.
1898
01:19:01,958 --> 01:19:04,500
DEIDRE:
You're the spice of our family, Andrew.
1899
01:19:04,917 --> 01:19:06,917
You're the testicles in the tomato soup.
1900
01:19:07,333 --> 01:19:09,833
We need you, Andrew. We need you.
1901
01:19:10,833 --> 01:19:13,000
RIGO:
I was being a selfish piece of shit.
1902
01:19:13,000 --> 01:19:17,292
And I don't care whose sperm
Rube Goldberg'd with another sperm
1903
01:19:17,292 --> 01:19:22,458
to fertilize an egg that ultimately led
to two vastly different twins.
1904
01:19:23,875 --> 01:19:25,375
You'll always be a part of me.
1905
01:19:25,875 --> 01:19:29,958
I wouldn't trade you
for all the Titcoin in the world.
1906
01:19:29,958 --> 01:19:32,167
- [Deidre speaking Spanish]
...Titcoin.
1907
01:19:32,167 --> 01:19:35,542
- Wow. I've never heard you
say something like that to me.
1908
01:19:35,542 --> 01:19:36,792
That's, uh... [chuckles]
1909
01:19:37,750 --> 01:19:38,750
That's amazing!
1910
01:19:39,292 --> 01:19:40,542
And Dakota, you too?
1911
01:19:40,542 --> 01:19:42,167
- I only came 'cause I like car rides.
1912
01:19:42,583 --> 01:19:44,250
- Appreciate that. Thank you.
1913
01:19:45,000 --> 01:19:46,917
Well, it's a Christmas miracle.
1914
01:19:48,083 --> 01:19:49,458
I love my family.
1915
01:19:50,333 --> 01:19:51,458
I love my family!
1916
01:19:51,458 --> 01:19:53,333
[everyone laughs]
1917
01:19:53,333 --> 01:19:56,167
ALL:
I love my family!
1918
01:19:57,958 --> 01:19:59,500
- Angel, I get it now.
1919
01:19:59,500 --> 01:20:01,208
- Have we met?
- Yes, we have met!
1920
01:20:01,208 --> 01:20:02,208
We went through a whole--
1921
01:20:03,250 --> 01:20:05,167
I understand what you were trying
to teach me this whole time.
1922
01:20:05,167 --> 01:20:06,333
- You do?
1923
01:20:06,333 --> 01:20:07,708
ANDREW:
You were trying to teach me
1924
01:20:07,708 --> 01:20:10,917
I actually have the ability
to make my own future.
1925
01:20:10,917 --> 01:20:12,500
- Oh, yeah. That was the lesson.
1926
01:20:12,500 --> 01:20:14,875
Hey, right on.
ANDREW: Hey, right on!
1927
01:20:16,000 --> 01:20:18,458
All right, guys,
what do you say, we, uh...
1928
01:20:19,625 --> 01:20:21,667
say fuck it,
hit the Winter Wonderland, right?
1929
01:20:21,667 --> 01:20:23,792
Reunite my mom with that weird-ass dude
that was at our dinner,
1930
01:20:23,792 --> 01:20:25,500
and I tell Kimmi I love her
for the first time.
1931
01:20:25,500 --> 01:20:27,875
KAYLA: Move out the way.
Enough of this sappy stuff.
1932
01:20:27,875 --> 01:20:29,625
Please slide over if you want 'em free.
1933
01:20:29,625 --> 01:20:30,792
Thank you, ma'am.
1934
01:20:32,417 --> 01:20:33,833
Come on.
- All right.
1935
01:20:34,500 --> 01:20:36,792
So, I-- It's okay if we-- Okay.
1936
01:20:36,792 --> 01:20:39,292
DEIDRE: Come on, baby.
1937
01:20:39,292 --> 01:20:41,208
- And you might want this.
- Thank you.
1938
01:20:41,208 --> 01:20:43,000
- Come on, Terminator 2.
- Terminator 2.
1939
01:20:43,000 --> 01:20:44,125
UNCLE KRIS:
This is great.
1940
01:20:44,125 --> 01:20:46,083
- Hey, I don't know if you're Santa,
1941
01:20:46,083 --> 01:20:49,208
but if you are,
can you look after my grandkids?
1942
01:20:49,208 --> 01:20:50,833
- Tracy and Jamal. They're adorable.
1943
01:20:50,833 --> 01:20:51,833
Yeah, for sure.
1944
01:20:51,833 --> 01:20:53,917
ANGEL:
All right! Let's go feed the--
1945
01:20:53,917 --> 01:20:56,000
- Mm-mm.
- Not you.
1946
01:20:56,000 --> 01:20:59,000
- Hey, what happened
to all that Christmas spirit,
1947
01:20:59,000 --> 01:21:01,208
and redemption, and cheer?
1948
01:21:01,208 --> 01:21:03,000
OFFICER: What happened
is we ran your fingerprints,
1949
01:21:03,000 --> 01:21:06,208
and you're wanted in 11 states
for a couple dozen murders.
1950
01:21:06,208 --> 01:21:08,500
You're never gonna see
the light of day again.
1951
01:21:08,500 --> 01:21:12,042
- ♪ This is the worst Christmas ever ♪
1952
01:21:12,042 --> 01:21:13,708
- Stop singing.
No one wants to hear you sing again.
1953
01:21:13,708 --> 01:21:14,958
- ♪ No love for me ♪
1954
01:21:14,958 --> 01:21:16,500
KAYLA: Ah, ah, ah!
OFFICER: Back, back, back.
1955
01:21:16,500 --> 01:21:18,167
KAYLA:
Get your ass back in there!
1956
01:21:18,167 --> 01:21:19,542
- All right,
we gotta get to the orphanage.
1957
01:21:19,542 --> 01:21:22,000
We gotta show the kids
what Christmas is all about.
1958
01:21:22,625 --> 01:21:25,292
Do you have any presents or treats
or, like, candy canes or anything?
1959
01:21:29,125 --> 01:21:30,958
- How about this for the kids?
1960
01:21:30,958 --> 01:21:32,417
KAYLA:
Oh, hell. We'll allow it.
1961
01:21:32,417 --> 01:21:34,792
It's a Christmas Binge. Nothing matters.
1962
01:21:34,792 --> 01:21:36,167
- Christmas is saved!
1963
01:21:36,167 --> 01:21:38,958
[all clap and cheer]
1964
01:21:38,958 --> 01:21:42,000
- Love to stay for the family reunion,
but I'm gonna go propose!
1965
01:21:42,000 --> 01:21:42,875
- Yeah!
- All right!
1966
01:21:42,875 --> 01:21:44,333
- I'm gonna propose!
- All right!
1967
01:21:44,333 --> 01:21:46,000
HAGS:
Okay. Love you all!
1968
01:21:46,875 --> 01:21:51,667
[train horn honks]
[muffled chatter and laughter]
1969
01:21:51,667 --> 01:21:54,667
♪ EDM version
of "Carol of the Bells" playing ♪
1970
01:21:58,833 --> 01:22:01,500
MAYOR SPENGLER:
Stop! Stop it!
1971
01:22:01,500 --> 01:22:04,083
Oh, god damn it! [indistinct shouting]
1972
01:22:04,083 --> 01:22:07,125
Stop! No!
1973
01:22:07,125 --> 01:22:09,208
Everyone, get out of here!
What are you doing?
1974
01:22:09,208 --> 01:22:10,583
What's wrong with you?
1975
01:22:11,417 --> 01:22:13,583
Oh, no, no!
Get out! Everyone get out!
1976
01:22:13,583 --> 01:22:15,167
No, no, no!
1977
01:22:15,167 --> 01:22:16,417
When did you do this?
1978
01:22:16,417 --> 01:22:19,083
When did you switch out
all the music and the lights?
1979
01:22:19,750 --> 01:22:22,583
Christmas is not about this!
It's about family!
1980
01:22:23,417 --> 01:22:24,667
- Where's your family?
1981
01:22:26,417 --> 01:22:27,875
- Where's my family?
1982
01:22:29,625 --> 01:22:32,625
♪ EDM version
of "Carol of the Bells" playing ♪
1983
01:22:48,542 --> 01:22:51,083
- Uncle Kris! What are you doing here?
1984
01:22:51,083 --> 01:22:52,542
- Candy!
1985
01:22:52,542 --> 01:22:53,958
- That's not candy!
1986
01:22:53,958 --> 01:22:55,750
UNCLE KRIS:
Christmas dust!
1987
01:22:56,250 --> 01:23:00,083
- God bless us, everyone! [snorts]
1988
01:23:00,875 --> 01:23:04,667
This Christmas dust makes me
wanna start a small business.
1989
01:23:05,667 --> 01:23:09,042
- It seems that the mayor's brother,
who was a felon who is dressed as Santa,
1990
01:23:09,042 --> 01:23:11,708
is throwing drugs
to the Winter Wonderland attendees,
1991
01:23:11,708 --> 01:23:13,125
young and old.
1992
01:23:13,125 --> 01:23:14,500
- What did you say?
That's not my brother.
1993
01:23:14,500 --> 01:23:16,708
That's just a fake Santa,
and they all look the same.
1994
01:23:16,708 --> 01:23:18,125
UNCLE KRIS:
That's my sister, the mayor!
1995
01:23:18,125 --> 01:23:19,125
KIMMI:
Mom?
1996
01:23:19,833 --> 01:23:21,000
- Oh, my goodness!
1997
01:23:21,000 --> 01:23:23,583
It looks like the mayor's daughter,
and she's all scratched up.
1998
01:23:23,583 --> 01:23:25,125
MAYOR SPENGLER:
Kimmi? It's me!
1999
01:23:26,000 --> 01:23:28,000
- The mayor has acknowledged the child,
2000
01:23:28,000 --> 01:23:30,125
and now the child has acknowledged
the mayor.
2001
01:23:30,125 --> 01:23:32,417
This is definitely the mayor's daughter.
2002
01:23:32,417 --> 01:23:35,833
- [chuckles nervously] So? So? So what?
2003
01:23:35,833 --> 01:23:38,958
- Everyone's having a great time here
except for the mayor.
2004
01:23:38,958 --> 01:23:41,417
Church sirens are ringing
and everyone is singing...
2005
01:23:41,417 --> 01:23:43,875
- That's not a thing!
- "Keep your hands up for Christmas."
2006
01:23:43,875 --> 01:23:45,792
- No! God damn it!
- Keep your hands up for Christmas!
2007
01:23:45,792 --> 01:23:47,625
[crowd chanting
"Keep your hands up for Christmas"]
2008
01:23:49,250 --> 01:23:50,958
- Put your hands down!
2009
01:23:50,958 --> 01:23:52,250
It's not a song!
2010
01:23:53,542 --> 01:23:55,917
A church doesn't have a siren!
2011
01:23:56,417 --> 01:23:57,625
- Sarah!
2012
01:23:58,792 --> 01:23:59,833
[snowball thudding]
Sarah!
2013
01:24:00,583 --> 01:24:01,500
Sarah!
2014
01:24:01,500 --> 01:24:02,833
- Oh! Hags!
HAGS: What the hell?
2015
01:24:02,833 --> 01:24:04,000
- I'm glad you came back!
2016
01:24:04,000 --> 01:24:05,667
I've been thinking about your dinner joke!
2017
01:24:05,667 --> 01:24:08,167
- You're a lunatic! Where's your niece?
2018
01:24:08,167 --> 01:24:10,792
Sarah, please! Sarah!
2019
01:24:11,750 --> 01:24:13,125
[snowball thuds]
Come on, Sarah!
2020
01:24:13,125 --> 01:24:15,000
- It's some kind of a meta-commentary
2021
01:24:15,000 --> 01:24:17,208
on the way
we consume meat in this country.
2022
01:24:17,208 --> 01:24:19,875
HAGS: Did you just run to another room?
- Yeah.
2023
01:24:20,292 --> 01:24:22,042
- It's weird, bro! Really weird!
2024
01:24:22,042 --> 01:24:25,083
- Hags! Go away. Go home!
2025
01:24:27,917 --> 01:24:30,583
No, don't-- don't do
the fucking card thing.
2026
01:24:31,333 --> 01:24:34,000
You spelled my name wrong, Hags.
You put two As.
2027
01:24:35,042 --> 01:24:36,958
How drunk were you when you wrote these?
2028
01:24:38,667 --> 01:24:41,333
Why is that house smoking a cigarette?
- What?
2029
01:24:42,458 --> 01:24:44,292
Okay, that's not what I meant to say.
2030
01:24:44,292 --> 01:24:45,333
Right, this is the one though.
2031
01:24:45,333 --> 01:24:48,875
This is what I've been wanting
to say to you the entire night, Sarah.
2032
01:24:54,125 --> 01:24:56,583
Damn, I really was high and drunk
when I wrote these.
2033
01:24:56,583 --> 01:24:58,000
Sarah, I just need you to listen to me.
2034
01:24:58,000 --> 01:24:59,083
SARAH:
I don't wanna listen to you.
2035
01:24:59,083 --> 01:25:01,958
I don't wanna see you,
and you clearly don't wanna see me.
2036
01:25:01,958 --> 01:25:03,500
You've been acting crazy.
2037
01:25:03,500 --> 01:25:07,042
- I'm acting crazy
because I was scared, Sarah.
2038
01:25:07,708 --> 01:25:09,667
I thought because we were growing older
2039
01:25:09,667 --> 01:25:12,500
that our relationship
wouldn't be able to work anymore.
2040
01:25:12,500 --> 01:25:13,667
- Well, maybe it doesn't.
2041
01:25:13,667 --> 01:25:15,875
- No, Sarah.
See, that's what I learned tonight.
2042
01:25:16,375 --> 01:25:21,000
The love and the beauty of life
doesn't just die because you get older.
2043
01:25:22,167 --> 01:25:23,167
It gets better.
2044
01:25:24,708 --> 01:25:27,375
Because you get to share those moments
with the people you love the most.
2045
01:25:29,042 --> 01:25:31,917
- So you really weren't having
an affair with the orphanage lady?
2046
01:25:31,917 --> 01:25:34,500
- Hell, no!
I would never cheat on you. I love you!
2047
01:25:35,000 --> 01:25:37,042
And do you know how terrified I am of you?
2048
01:25:37,042 --> 01:25:38,708
- [laughs] Yeah, I do.
2049
01:25:38,708 --> 01:25:42,792
- I love you more and more
every single day.
2050
01:25:42,792 --> 01:25:44,583
- [laughing] Hags.
2051
01:25:44,583 --> 01:25:47,125
HAGS:
You will always be the prom queen to me.
2052
01:25:50,292 --> 01:25:52,667
Sarah Martin, will you marry me?
2053
01:25:52,667 --> 01:25:54,500
- What? Are you serious?
2054
01:25:54,500 --> 01:25:57,125
- I've never been more serious
about anything my entire life.
2055
01:25:57,125 --> 01:25:58,292
- Yes!
2056
01:25:58,833 --> 01:26:00,458
HAGS:
Yeah? Yeah?
2057
01:26:01,542 --> 01:26:04,333
- I had, literally, no idea.
2058
01:26:05,958 --> 01:26:07,417
Oh, my God. Which one did you get?
2059
01:26:07,417 --> 01:26:09,250
Did you get the one
from my fucking vision board?
2060
01:26:10,208 --> 01:26:11,583
What? What?
HAGS: What?
2061
01:26:11,583 --> 01:26:13,208
SARAH:
What the fuck is this, Hags?
2062
01:26:13,208 --> 01:26:14,375
What the fuck?
2063
01:26:15,250 --> 01:26:18,625
- Aw, damn! Damn! Damn!
2064
01:26:18,625 --> 01:26:20,417
I lost your grandmom's ring!
2065
01:26:20,417 --> 01:26:21,458
- What'd you say, bitch?
2066
01:26:21,458 --> 01:26:23,208
♪ tense music playing ♪
[electronic beeps trilling]
2067
01:26:23,208 --> 01:26:24,958
- Sarah, your grandmom can control this?
2068
01:26:24,958 --> 01:26:27,042
- No, no, no.
Watch out, watch out! Watch out!
2069
01:26:27,042 --> 01:26:28,208
My ice sculpture!
2070
01:26:28,208 --> 01:26:29,250
[ice sculpture shatters]
2071
01:26:30,417 --> 01:26:31,958
♪ Get your fucking hands up ♪
2072
01:26:31,958 --> 01:26:34,958
♪ EDM version
of "Deck the Halls" playing ♪
2073
01:26:39,125 --> 01:26:41,208
- Kris, what are you doing here?
2074
01:26:41,208 --> 01:26:42,625
- I'm here to see my sister.
2075
01:26:42,625 --> 01:26:45,208
I can't spend
another Christmas without my family!
2076
01:26:45,208 --> 01:26:47,708
- I understand that, but you were
about to get out in, like, two weeks,
2077
01:26:47,708 --> 01:26:50,333
so now you're gonna
be in there for a lot longer.
2078
01:26:50,333 --> 01:26:51,417
- You know what?
2079
01:26:51,417 --> 01:26:52,625
I don't care!
2080
01:26:52,625 --> 01:26:56,375
'Cause I'm here now
with my family at Winter Wonderland
2081
01:26:56,375 --> 01:26:57,958
like it used to be, remember?
2082
01:26:57,958 --> 01:26:59,833
And now we're back just like normal.
2083
01:27:00,417 --> 01:27:02,708
- Just like normal.
- Yeah.
2084
01:27:02,708 --> 01:27:05,083
[people cheering and whistling]
[man coughing]
2085
01:27:06,042 --> 01:27:09,708
- [in a deep voice]
Oh, shit! I think we Freaky Friday'd.
2086
01:27:09,708 --> 01:27:11,292
[screaming in a high pitch]
2087
01:27:11,292 --> 01:27:13,792
[Mayor Spengler laughing]
2088
01:27:13,792 --> 01:27:14,792
- Are you all right?
2089
01:27:22,458 --> 01:27:25,167
[cackling]
2090
01:27:30,875 --> 01:27:31,958
- Are you okay?
2091
01:27:31,958 --> 01:27:34,833
- I'm better than I've been
in a very long time.
2092
01:27:35,667 --> 01:27:39,000
Guys, my brother
might be a little bit odd.
2093
01:27:39,000 --> 01:27:40,500
- Yeah, he's insanely weird.
2094
01:27:40,500 --> 01:27:42,167
- Well, but he's still my brother,
2095
01:27:42,167 --> 01:27:44,875
and he made me realize
that my family's not perfect.
2096
01:27:45,833 --> 01:27:46,875
But no family is.
2097
01:27:46,875 --> 01:27:51,208
But my brother,
he busted his ass outta jail
2098
01:27:51,208 --> 01:27:53,417
to be here with us tonight, okay?
2099
01:27:53,417 --> 01:27:56,667
And if that's not the true meaning
of this fucking holiday,
2100
01:27:56,667 --> 01:27:58,417
then I don't know what is!
2101
01:27:58,417 --> 01:28:01,417
[crowd cheering]
2102
01:28:03,625 --> 01:28:05,208
A wise woman once said,
2103
01:28:05,958 --> 01:28:08,125
"You can have a Monopoly on Christmas,
2104
01:28:08,750 --> 01:28:12,917
but without family,
your life will be a real Twister."
2105
01:28:12,917 --> 01:28:14,333
- Who said that?
2106
01:28:15,208 --> 01:28:16,208
- I did.
2107
01:28:16,208 --> 01:28:17,333
MAN:
Horrible quote.
2108
01:28:17,333 --> 01:28:19,833
- [laughs] Shoot him.
2109
01:28:19,833 --> 01:28:22,167
- I seriously need you to stop
asking me to shoot people, Mayor.
2110
01:28:22,167 --> 01:28:24,792
- No, no, no, not mayor.
Nope, not anymore.
2111
01:28:24,792 --> 01:28:27,458
I've spent too many years
of my life being mayor.
2112
01:28:27,458 --> 01:28:30,125
I am just a normal
everyday mother and sister
2113
01:28:30,125 --> 01:28:31,917
asking you to shoot that man dead
2114
01:28:31,917 --> 01:28:35,500
because I hereby announce
that I'm dropping out of the race.
2115
01:28:35,500 --> 01:28:36,750
[crowd gasps]
2116
01:28:36,750 --> 01:28:39,708
That's right.
And my final act as your mayor
2117
01:28:41,125 --> 01:28:42,375
is pardoning my brother.
2118
01:28:42,375 --> 01:28:44,875
♪ rousing music playing ♪
[crowd cheers and claps]
2119
01:28:46,625 --> 01:28:49,750
Now someone get me a goddamn drink
'cause it's been a terrible night.
2120
01:28:50,500 --> 01:28:52,708
Yes, thank you!
2121
01:28:52,708 --> 01:28:55,708
[crowd chanting "chug"]
2122
01:29:03,000 --> 01:29:06,000
[cheers fade out]
2123
01:29:11,875 --> 01:29:14,875
♪ tense music playing ♪
2124
01:29:15,458 --> 01:29:17,167
- Christmas Owl!
2125
01:29:17,167 --> 01:29:19,500
[crowd screaming]
2126
01:29:22,500 --> 01:29:25,917
- Okay. All right.
2127
01:29:25,917 --> 01:29:27,333
It's you and me, you son of a bitch.
2128
01:29:27,833 --> 01:29:30,292
[owl screeches]
You got one chance.
2129
01:29:30,292 --> 01:29:31,625
You better make it good.
2130
01:29:33,250 --> 01:29:35,458
We knew it was gonna end up like this,
didn't we, buddy?
2131
01:29:35,458 --> 01:29:38,292
Me and you, woman versus bird!
2132
01:29:38,292 --> 01:29:40,667
[owl screeching]
Come on, come on!
2133
01:29:40,667 --> 01:29:42,417
[crowd gasps]
[owl screeching]
2134
01:29:42,958 --> 01:29:46,125
♪ rousing music playing ♪
2135
01:29:47,417 --> 01:29:49,375
[owl hoots]
It's beautiful.
2136
01:29:50,375 --> 01:29:51,375
It's beautiful!
2137
01:29:51,375 --> 01:29:55,375
[crowd cheering]
♪ lively cheery music playing ♪
2138
01:29:55,375 --> 01:29:56,583
[mouthing "thank you"]
2139
01:29:56,583 --> 01:29:58,958
CRAIG:
It's a Christmas miracle!
2140
01:29:59,458 --> 01:30:03,750
The owl returned
because the mayor learned her lesson!
2141
01:30:03,750 --> 01:30:06,083
- It is a Christmas miracle!
2142
01:30:06,875 --> 01:30:09,500
Everything worked out
just as it was supposed to.
2143
01:30:10,000 --> 01:30:12,000
[crowd cheering]
2144
01:30:13,958 --> 01:30:15,750
Would you like to reclaim your throne?
2145
01:30:15,750 --> 01:30:18,667
- Yes, I would.
And also, can you really pardon me?
2146
01:30:18,667 --> 01:30:20,333
- Oh, oh, not a chance in hell.
2147
01:30:20,333 --> 01:30:22,708
So after Christmas,
you should probably flee the country.
2148
01:30:22,708 --> 01:30:23,750
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
2149
01:30:23,750 --> 01:30:25,000
- Yeah, that sounds cool.
- Okay.
2150
01:30:25,000 --> 01:30:27,292
- Okay. Everybody, USA!
2151
01:30:27,292 --> 01:30:30,167
[crowd cheering and chanting "USA"]
2152
01:30:38,708 --> 01:30:41,000
All right, kids! Santa's here!
2153
01:30:41,500 --> 01:30:43,083
Hey, Sammy, how are you, bud?
2154
01:30:43,083 --> 01:30:44,083
All right.
2155
01:30:44,708 --> 01:30:46,042
Here, let me give you a gift.
2156
01:30:47,625 --> 01:30:49,375
- Thank you, Santa. Thank you.
2157
01:30:52,250 --> 01:30:54,292
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
2158
01:30:54,292 --> 01:30:57,250
GRANDMA RAY:
Fourteen centuries of tradition,
2159
01:30:57,250 --> 01:30:59,375
priceless ring etched in lava!
2160
01:30:59,375 --> 01:31:01,625
- You son of a bitch!
I wanted a Rubik's cube!
2161
01:31:01,625 --> 01:31:02,625
[Grandma Ray yells]
2162
01:31:02,625 --> 01:31:06,708
- Hey, Sammy. I know what you really want,
and it's not in that bag.
2163
01:31:07,208 --> 01:31:10,000
You want a family of your own,
and guess what?
2164
01:31:10,000 --> 01:31:12,667
[gasps] They're right over there.
2165
01:31:12,667 --> 01:31:17,167
- Five, six, seven, eight, nine kids.
2166
01:31:17,792 --> 01:31:20,708
- [gasps] Plus the two of us!
2167
01:31:22,333 --> 01:31:27,000
- Baby, we finally got
our very own Ocean's Eleven.
2168
01:31:27,000 --> 01:31:28,167
We'll take 'em all.
2169
01:31:28,875 --> 01:31:31,792
- That's, literally,
never going to happen.
2170
01:31:31,792 --> 01:31:33,917
- Well, we've already started
naming them, so.
2171
01:31:33,917 --> 01:31:34,917
- We sure have.
2172
01:31:34,917 --> 01:31:37,833
DELRAY DONNA: Chandler, Phoebe.
- Professor X, Scion.
2173
01:31:37,833 --> 01:31:40,292
- Mitsubishi.
- JNCO Jeans.
2174
01:31:40,292 --> 01:31:43,000
- They already have names!
They're like 12.
2175
01:31:44,167 --> 01:31:47,875
- Things were said tonight that I really--
- [crying] Deidre, Deidre, no, just--
2176
01:31:47,875 --> 01:31:49,333
- Please.
- No, no.
2177
01:31:50,708 --> 01:31:52,208
- , my.
DEIDRE: What?
2178
01:31:52,917 --> 01:31:57,792
What is-- What the fuck are you doing?
- You are the best thing.
2179
01:31:57,792 --> 01:31:59,333
- Are you proposing?
2180
01:31:59,333 --> 01:32:01,333
I am not getting married again!
2181
01:32:01,333 --> 01:32:04,833
- [yelling]
Hey, don't you talk to me like that!
2182
01:32:04,833 --> 01:32:07,167
From now on, I am the one
2183
01:32:07,167 --> 01:32:12,042
that is doing the yelling!
2184
01:32:12,042 --> 01:32:13,667
- Really?
CRAIG: Really!
2185
01:32:13,667 --> 01:32:16,792
I'll take your ass to Maury!
2186
01:32:16,792 --> 01:32:20,375
- I love you, Craig!
- Merry fucking Christmas!
2187
01:32:23,667 --> 01:32:26,917
- Your family's pretty crazy.
- Yours is too.
2188
01:32:31,583 --> 01:32:34,208
- Fucking Christmas Owl.
- Fucking Christmas Owl.
2189
01:32:35,625 --> 01:32:38,917
- Um, do you wanna be my plus one?
2190
01:32:39,458 --> 01:32:40,458
- Your plus one?
2191
01:32:41,292 --> 01:32:43,042
- Hags proposed to Sarah.
2192
01:32:44,042 --> 01:32:45,500
ANDREW:
Holy shit. He really did it.
2193
01:32:46,083 --> 01:32:49,083
Did you know that every time a bell rings,
2194
01:32:49,833 --> 01:32:51,042
Angel gets his wings?
2195
01:32:51,042 --> 01:32:53,042
[bell tinkles]
2196
01:32:58,750 --> 01:33:00,458
- Got a Christmas delivery for ya.
2197
01:33:00,458 --> 01:33:01,625
- Bah!
[officer gasps]
2198
01:33:01,625 --> 01:33:02,833
- I will tase you.
2199
01:33:06,042 --> 01:33:08,000
[Angel chuckles]
2200
01:33:10,500 --> 01:33:13,917
UNCLE KRIS: Dear Angel,
used your mom's secret recipe.
2201
01:33:13,917 --> 01:33:17,167
Glad you finally got your wings.
Love, Santa. Ho!
2202
01:33:17,167 --> 01:33:18,542
- I'll be damned.
2203
01:33:18,542 --> 01:33:22,958
Almost makes going to jail
for killing 26 people worth it.
2204
01:33:25,500 --> 01:33:30,000
[bells ringing softly]
[carolers humming]
2205
01:33:36,542 --> 01:33:39,917
- ♪ It's the best Christmas ever ♪
2206
01:33:39,917 --> 01:33:43,208
♪ So much love this time of year ♪
2207
01:33:43,208 --> 01:33:49,208
♪ When we can be together
with presents and Christmas cheer ♪
2208
01:33:49,208 --> 01:33:55,167
♪ There's ho-ho-hos and mistletoes
and bells are gonna ring ♪
2209
01:33:55,167 --> 01:33:58,167
♪ It's the best Christmas ever ♪
2210
01:33:58,167 --> 01:34:03,750
♪ When every single angel
gets their wings ♪
2211
01:34:05,792 --> 01:34:09,708
NARRATOR:
And so another Binge has come and gone.
2212
01:34:09,708 --> 01:34:12,375
Old family fences were mended.
2213
01:34:12,375 --> 01:34:15,000
New family bonds were erected.
2214
01:34:15,000 --> 01:34:17,250
And for the first time ever,
2215
01:34:17,250 --> 01:34:21,708
drugs were not only taken
but embraced at the dinner table.
2216
01:34:21,708 --> 01:34:25,542
So make sure however you celebrate
the holidays this season,
2217
01:34:25,542 --> 01:34:28,458
you aren't afraid
to add a little bit of love,
2218
01:34:28,458 --> 01:34:30,333
a lotta bit of laughs,
2219
01:34:30,333 --> 01:34:33,958
and just a sprinkling of methamphetamines.
2220
01:34:33,958 --> 01:34:36,708
Merry Bingemas, everybody!
2221
01:34:36,708 --> 01:34:40,500
- ♪ Best Christmas ever
Best Christmas ever ♪
2222
01:34:40,500 --> 01:34:46,500
♪ In Wonderland ♪
2223
01:34:49,000 --> 01:34:52,000
[alarm blaring]
2224
01:34:52,875 --> 01:34:55,500
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2225
01:34:56,167 --> 01:34:58,500
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2226
01:34:59,083 --> 01:35:01,583
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2227
01:35:02,125 --> 01:35:05,292
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2228
01:35:06,417 --> 01:35:10,083
♪ When there's no one who's on your side ♪
2229
01:35:10,083 --> 01:35:12,208
♪ Your dreams have died ♪
2230
01:35:12,208 --> 01:35:14,208
♪ Church sirens ringin' ♪
2231
01:35:14,208 --> 01:35:18,708
♪ There's ashes on the ground ♪
2232
01:35:18,708 --> 01:35:22,500
♪ Just remember on the darkest night ♪
2233
01:35:22,500 --> 01:35:25,042
♪ You're still alive ♪
2234
01:35:25,042 --> 01:35:29,292
♪ Keep your hands up high ♪
2235
01:35:31,167 --> 01:35:32,375
♪ Take my hand ♪
2236
01:35:32,375 --> 01:35:36,917
♪ We'll fly so far away
on Santa's sleigh ♪
2237
01:35:36,917 --> 01:35:42,042
♪ Miracles still happen
on Christmas Day ♪
2238
01:35:43,208 --> 01:35:44,708
♪ We'll be so high ♪
2239
01:35:44,708 --> 01:35:49,292
♪ We'll make a right turn
on the Milky Way ♪
2240
01:35:49,292 --> 01:35:51,333
♪ When we come down ♪
2241
01:35:51,333 --> 01:35:55,250
♪ Just keep your hands up ♪
2242
01:35:56,333 --> 01:35:59,042
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2243
01:35:59,583 --> 01:36:02,167
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2244
01:36:02,708 --> 01:36:05,292
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2245
01:36:05,708 --> 01:36:08,333
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2246
01:36:08,792 --> 01:36:11,417
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2247
01:36:11,917 --> 01:36:14,417
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2248
01:36:14,958 --> 01:36:17,625
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2249
01:36:18,083 --> 01:36:21,208
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas
Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
2250
01:36:21,625 --> 01:36:24,208
- Well, I mean,
that's why I'm investing in Titcoin.
2251
01:36:24,208 --> 01:36:25,458
You know, you gotta.
2252
01:36:25,458 --> 01:36:28,417
I mean, I was in the--
Oh, shit, we're on? Shit!
2253
01:36:29,042 --> 01:36:32,333
And with that,
another Binge comes to a close.
2254
01:36:32,333 --> 01:36:33,708
We laughed. We cried.
2255
01:36:34,625 --> 01:36:37,625
I did peyote,
I ate three lemons with the rinds on,
2256
01:36:37,625 --> 01:36:39,000
and I wrestled a snowman.
2257
01:36:39,667 --> 01:36:41,333
Truly, a poetic night.
2258
01:36:41,958 --> 01:36:43,167
What a great Christmas!
2259
01:36:43,958 --> 01:36:45,958
- Your camera person left hours ago.
2260
01:36:45,958 --> 01:36:48,083
- Okay, I don't talk to coyotes.
2261
01:36:48,833 --> 01:36:50,917
- You're talking to a nutcracker!
2262
01:36:50,917 --> 01:36:53,958
- [laughs] Okay,
thank you, ma'am. I'm live.
2263
01:36:56,208 --> 01:36:59,458
I'm Soup Anderson,
signing off with Channel 7 News.
2264
01:36:59,458 --> 01:37:01,625
Good night and good luck.
2265
01:37:02,292 --> 01:37:04,333
And I hope you get a good fuck.
2266
01:37:04,333 --> 01:37:07,250
[laughs] How's that?
I added it just for fun.
2267
01:37:08,250 --> 01:37:10,500
[owl hooting]
2268
01:37:10,500 --> 01:37:13,500
♪ tribal drum music playing ♪
2269
01:37:21,125 --> 01:37:26,542
♪ When the angels dance
and church sirens ring ♪
2270
01:37:26,542 --> 01:37:32,125
♪ And hearts around are opening ♪
2271
01:37:32,125 --> 01:37:37,292
♪ Who offers us Christmas blessings? ♪
2272
01:37:37,292 --> 01:37:39,333
♪ The Christmas Owl ♪
2273
01:37:39,333 --> 01:37:44,792
♪ Whose wisdom, dignity, and grace ♪
2274
01:37:44,792 --> 01:37:50,333
♪ Are found upon his feathered face ♪
2275
01:37:50,333 --> 01:37:55,500
♪ Whose talons lift the human race ♪
2276
01:37:55,500 --> 01:37:59,083
♪ Aloft the Christmas Owl ♪
2277
01:38:00,042 --> 01:38:01,042
♪ Hoo ♪
2278
01:38:05,708 --> 01:38:08,917
♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪
2279
01:38:08,917 --> 01:38:12,042
♪ Swooping down from the heaven high ♪
2280
01:38:12,042 --> 01:38:15,042
♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪
2281
01:38:15,042 --> 01:38:18,292
♪ He spreads his wings
on Christmas night ♪
2282
01:38:18,292 --> 01:38:21,333
♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪
2283
01:38:21,333 --> 01:38:24,750
♪ In peace and love and brotherhood ♪
2284
01:38:24,750 --> 01:38:27,417
♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪
2285
01:38:27,417 --> 01:38:30,167
♪ The Christmas Owl ♪
2286
01:38:30,167 --> 01:38:33,625
♪ The owl is good ♪
2287
01:38:35,708 --> 01:38:38,000
♪ The owl is great ♪
2288
01:38:40,333 --> 01:38:42,500
[owl hooting]
2289
01:38:45,208 --> 01:38:47,708
[owl hooting]
169733
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.