Original subtitles

'Twas the night before Trashmas,

and all through the yard,

not a creature was stirring

save for one Saint Bernard.

Merry Trashmas! [giggles]

Oh, how can it still be dark?

Honey, wake up!

Ugh, go to sleep, Chief.

Aah, I can't!

Ah, Trashmas is my favorite holiday.

All those beautiful overflowing garbage cans

for me to knock over.

Oh, I wonder what the Trashsquatch

is gonna bring me this year. [giggles]

Trashsquatch can't come

unless you go to sleep like a good boy.

Can't sleep. Too excited.

When I have insomnia, I practice mindfulness.

Research has proven that--

[snoring]

Trashsquatch.

Huh.

The trash bins were stuffed in a haphazard way

for the animals' annual refuse buffet.

They dreamt Trashmas dreams regardless of species,

of bubble wrap,

boxes... - [cackles]

Old gravy,

and feces.

As the rays of sunshine began to appear...

Honey, wake up!

Trashmas is here!

Ugh.

[muffled] Merry Trashmas!

Me-rry Trash-mas.

[giggles]

[gasps]

Aah!

Where's all the garbage? - They're empty.

I was such a good dog this year.

[panting]

Jill, something horrible has hap--

[gasps]

First no trash? Now no Jill?

What did you do to anger the Trashsquatch?

Look, Jill would never just up and leave us on Trashmas.

I'm sure there's--

- [whistling "Jingle Bells"] - Jill!

I told you she'd never leave us on Trashmas.

What the suds?

- What's up, dudes? - Where's Jill?

I saw her leave early this morning,

so I thought I'd take a spa day.

On Trashmas?

For raccoons, every day is Trashmas.

And frankly, when you all start knocking down garbage cans,

it feels like cultural appropriation.

She's gone? That's not like Jill at all.

We had a good run with her, but she's gone, Honey.

Let her go. We have to focus

one what's important and save Trashmas.

In or out. You're letting out the steam.

♪ I'm in the doghouse ♪

♪ 'Cause I let the cat out and the stupid dog ♪

♪ Like, every winter, I like to chicken out ♪

♪ Or drop off like a fly ♪

♪ 'Cause something's smelling mighty fish ♪

♪ This time of year ♪

♪ Monkey see, monkey do ♪

♪ Hold your horses, I'll take two ♪

♪ Horsin' around ♪

♪ Horsin' about ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you unmask ♪

♪ 'Cause I love you ♪

♪ ♪

Ho ho ho!

[pensive music]

Sure, I remember my mother eating my father and sisters,

but I still remember it

as one of the best Trashmases I ever had.

Any feedback?

Uh, well, yeah, gender is fluid.

I'm sorry. I know I'm distracted.

Jill disappeared, and so, I'm gonna need to multitask

between my group duties

and staring intensely at the front door.

What does staring at the door accomplish?

It's a dog thing. You wouldn't understand.

All right, I'll ask. What's with the head bling?

Well, my dad got drunk

and left before taking off these antlers,

so I was locked outside alone all night.

[thuds]

It's actually much sadder than it sounds.

You get used to being alone.

I like to play this fun game

where I try to remember Kevin's face.

[chuckles] I can't do it!

You're welcome to come to my place

for Trashmas dinner, Cheeks.

Really? I've never had a real Trashmas.

Kevin likes to travel over the holidays...

and most days.

Oh, I remember what he looks like!

Nope. I lost it.

And I sure hope he comes home soon.

My bowl's been empty for two days.

Hey, I also can't remember what food looks like.

You could come too, Tabitha.

It's usually 20% less violent during the holidays.

I hope this doesn't come off as elitist,

but I'm far too good for your sad slop-fest.

A Boxing Day feast awaits me.

There's always a mountain of leftovers

even the hungriest cat could never summit.

- Was that an invite? - Totally.

Has she always had that accent?

Well, I've been uncharacteristically quiet

this morning, and I'm sure you're all wondering why.

- Nope. - Not at all.

I liked it, actually.

Because it looks like

I'll be spending yet another Trashmas alone.

"Oh, what about that hot Shar Pei you were seeing?"

Well, if you must know, I dumped him.

I mean, sure, we had white-hot chemistry,

but there was nothing going on underneath those wrinkles.

It was all, "I don't know. What do you want to pee on?"

"What do you want to sniff?"

And I'm like, "Take charge. Regrow a pair."

You're welcome to come to my place

and rifle through the Bronson's trash.

[sighs] I'm just pathetic enough to say yes.

Me too! I'm pathetic.

Can I come?

Darla won't be there.

We're going through a rough patch.

Says I don't spend enough time with the kids.

They're eggs!

[rustling] - Jill?

Ugh, it's just the mail.

Mail? both: Mail?

- Finish her! - She's mine!

[scoffs] Dogs.

They have no dignity.

[slurping]

I just want a guy who knows what he wants.

I know what Darla wants.

For me to share in the responsibility

of watching over our egg clutch

so she doesn't have to sit in the woods

protecting them from predators all alone?

As if!

Did someone order a trash kebab?

Well, look who is finally useful!

Aw, thanks.

Maybe the universe is telling me

that it's better to be alone

than chase some nonexistent ideal male.

Like this!

See, this is what I'm talking about.

Madison Avenue creates these unattainable--

[angelic music]

Oh, my God. You're the dog from the box.

I'm Robo. Pet me.

Ooh, so direct.

You know what you want and just ask for it.

I'm Elsa.

What can Robo do for you today?

Baby, you're doing it.

[sniffs] Dear Lord, what is that smell?

Rancid crab dip.

It's Darla's favorite.

I think we ate it on our first Trashmas together.

And now I've left the best stone-cold freak

I've ever known alone in the woods?

God, what have I done?

Come home. Come home. Oh, God.

Jill's never gone this long.

Come home. Come home.

How long have we been standing watch?

[strained] A while.

Take off that stupid Santa beard!

Something terrible has happened to Jill.

Do you hear how crazy you sound?

Nothing bad can happen on Trashmas

because it's the one day that the Trashsquatch

and his jolly invisible garbage goblins

protect us all.

Ugh, I can't with this right now.

No!

Okay, when Jill left, describe exactly what you saw.

Well, she was laughing and had one of those boxes

with the wheels and the handle humans use when they go away.

Okay, she was laughing. That's good.

Oh, you thought she was laughing?

I thought she was crying.

I didn't see her!

Oh, yeah. Me neither.

But she sure got out of here in a hurry.

And then, this big guy dressed in black

grabbed her wheely box.

And she said, "No, no, I got it."

But then, he took it anyway

and threw them both in this big, black car.

[gasps] Jill is never coming back.

And now, we're home alone!

Aah!

Okay. Okay, I was where you are at first,

but then I opened my heart to the spirit of Trash--

Enough! Trashmas is for puppies!

You're six, and you need to grow up!

Maybe you need to grow down.

No wonder the Trashsquatch

didn't bring you any garbage this year.

There is no Trashsquatch!

[gasps] Who hurt you?

[razor buzzing]

I'm trying something. What do you think?

Welcome back to the certain percentage of you

who decided to not spring for ad-free Hulu

as our cats walked across town to eat Tabitha's meal

and Elsa came on to a dog made of steel.

And with Jill's absence harder for her to explain,

Honey's worry was starting to drive her insane.

Okay, got to think. Did Jill have any enemies?

Wait, what am I saying? Who could hate Jill?

She's pure love wrapped in rainbows

and a mumu from Ross Dress for Less.

[car engine stops] Jill?

[car door opens]

This is bad.

Chief!

Go away, intruder!

I have all my teeth and none of my shots!

[doorknob rattling]

Chief, get over here!

Chief!

Okay, I'll tell you,

but you have to promise not to judge me.

I've always wanted to learn how to sniff for drugs.

I mean, is that crazy?

Thank you for not laughing.

God, I really feel like

I can let my guard down around you.

Scratch my head.

Mm, yes, sir.

God, you know, it's funny.

This morning, before we met, I had given up on dating.

Just resigned to spend another holiday all alone.

But are you free--

- We have to go! - Dang it, Shel.

It was about to get humpy.

The tortoise I love is alone in the woods

with my nearly born because I abandoned her.

So go get her. I'm kind of working

on not being alone myself.

Get it, girl.

The thing is, I haven't visited the clutch

as much as I should have--

or even once--

so I don't know where she is.

I require your dog noses to track her.

- We'll do it! - We have to go now

before the nocturnals wake.

Tortoise eggs are delicious.

Don't ask me how I know.

[sniffs] Ah! She's three clicks this way.

Let's roll. We're losing light.

Hey, so, uh, my friends are taking off.

If you want, you and I could chase sticks and chill.

- You're my friend. - Oh.

I see. Just friends.

- Friends. - No, I got it!

[chuckles weakly]

Thank you for being honest and not leading me on...

more than you already have.

You're not better than me!

Chief, please help!

Oh, now you want to play with garbage.

I know you're mad at me,

and you're not my favorite dog right now either,

but there is an intruder trying to--

Aah! - [gasps]

Oh, you get your stinkin' hands off my Honey,

you damn dirty arm!

[growling]

Honey, we cannot go outside. It's crawling with arms.

Did you bring anything,

you know, like flowers or a dead lizard?

I mean, everything was closed today.

Ow! - Oh, sorry.

I thought it was a churro. - Well, it's not.

It's actually--ow!

What the hell is wrong with you?

I have no excuse this time.

I'm just so hun-- [stomach growls]

Why are you in my garage making gross sounds?

You didn't specify what time to pop by

when you invited us.

I didn't invite you.

Oh, see, we thought you did.

But we'll get out of your fur. No harm, no foul.

No, there's definitely harm.

Why would you brag about a mountain of food

to two neglected cats if you weren't inviting us?

I thought it might be aspirational for you.

Hey. Hey, these things happen.

It's fine.

[distorted voice] It's not fine!

[sinister music]

This was going to be my first real Trashmas,

and you ruined it!

What is happening?

Have you seen him do this before?

Never, and I don't know much about his backstory,

you know, apart from him being rescued as a kitten

from an abandoned military gamma ray facility.

Tabitha, you are selfish!

Okay, why don't we all just take a deep--

And you are an enabler!

If that's what you think, I support you.

Trashmas is about garbage, food, and friendship.

This place is clean, no food,

and you're no friend!

Oh, Chico, you're scare-rousing me.

Chico smash!

Food!

[car alarm wailing]

It's not not sexy.

[sniffing]

[grunts]

We're close. Stay frosty.

I hope Darla forgives me, but--

You're right. Robo's trash.

Just once, I'd like to find someone who will chase me.

Play with me.

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

Robo! My Robo!

[sniffs]

I knew you'd come back to me.

You're my master.

If you're trying to turn me on, mission accomplished.

How are you so perfect?

I love you.

Uh, that's a little fast.

What can Robo do for you today?

Uh, you can start by taking it down a notch.

Okay, a little space.

Do you see him?

Not an arm in sight.

- We did it! - We did it! Yeah!

[both gasp] [footsteps approaching]

Where are those footsteps coming from?

Here, doggy, doggy, doggies.

[gasps] They're coming from inside the house!

I pray you're not sick of this recap device,

but distracted viewing is a most common vice.

Once charmed from Robo,

Elsa now found him cheesy.

Shel worried his kids might be eggs over easy.

The unwelcomed stranger kept sneakin' and skulkin',

so Honey and Chief went totally Culkin.

- Pull it tighter! - Shh!

[grunts]

- And... - Go!

[all grunting]

- Whoo-hoo! - Ha ha ha!

Ha? both: Aah!

There's an intruder in the house!

And we need your hands!

It's go-time, boys.

You look amazing.

[sniffing]

- Scratch my head. - Maybe later.

Rub my belly.

Has it ever occurred to you that I might have needs too?

Of course not!

- I love you. - Just stop it.

You don't love me.

You love the idea of me.

[sighs]

I hate myself when I'm with you.

Uh, look, Cheeks,

based on the way you flipped over a minivan,

I know you're hungry, but I can't promise

there's gonna be a lot of food left.

[growls]

[dramatic music]

[both gasp] all: ♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

- It's a Trashmas miracle! - It's a Trashmas miracle!

Actually, it's not a miracle.

The neighbors just gave our lady all their leftovers

to assuage their guilt

when they finally condemn this place.

Not now, The Actually One.

- [sighs contentedly] - I casually sauntered here

as fast as I could.

I've reflected on my actions,

and I have found them wanting.

- A-plus apology. - I didn't hear an apology.

I am... sorry.

[gasps] That's the Trashmas miracle!

- Actually-- - Ugh!

I swear to God, The Actually One!

Guys, now that my blood/ham ratio is stabilized,

I want to say I'm sorry.

That thing I became wasn't me.

Well, whoever he was, does he still want to smash?

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

Do you give up,

or are you thirsty for more?

[groans] [both growl]

A little tinkle, tinkle, tinkle.

[groans] It burns!

Yeah, you should probably get that checked.

[grunts]

[groans]

[all scream]

[both gasp] - Too much?

And even though I have to end this,

I want you to know I don't regret

a single second of the time we shared,

and I'll always hold a piece of you in my heart.

We just want different-- - Pet me.

And this is what I'm talking about.

[powering down] - I love...

you.

Robo?

Robo!

I literally broke his heart!

Don't you die on me!

[panting]

Breathe, damn it!

Don't leave me like this!

It's too soon!

You know her better than I do.

How long do you think--

Yeah, she's gonna milk this for a while.

We should skedaddle.

Take me instead!

We'll only get one shot, so we have to be perfect.

Can I just say that you're really good at this?

Aw, thanks. You got some killer in you too.

Because we have time for this!

Okay, on my signal,

Honey will go to the kitchen and start barking.

He'll avoid her, move to the front of the house

and into the living room, where it'll be dark

because Raccoon will break all the lamps.

This fill force him to walk through a minefield

of my strategically placed poops.

The three of us will then meet here.

[chuckles]

[all gasp] - [grunts]

This works too. [all growl]

[screams]

[both barking]

That's it! Run away!

[all cheer]

Oh, I've never felt so alive! What's next?

Oh, I know. Let's rob a bank!

Yeah--no.

Godspeed, beautiful traveler.

I'll never forget you, Bobo.

Robo. Sorry, I've had a day.

Hey, I didn't mean to trash your love of Trashmas.

Don't know when it happened,

but I think I lost my inner puppy.

No, you were right.

Trashmas is just a story for the young ones.

I do need to grow-- [gasps]

It's a Trashmas miracle.

[giggles]

Thank you, Trashsquatch!

You do realize that we were the ones who--

who just missed seeing the Trashsquatch!

Hey, want to make garbage angels?

Do I? [both laughing]

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

If even gross animals can find love,

maybe there is hope for me someday.

Elsa! [panting]

You found us. - Yeah.

Thanks for peeing so much.

Elsa, just in time.

It's happening!

It's a Trashmas miracle.

Mm.

Aw.

[chittering]

They're beautiful...

and delicious, but mostly beautiful.

[giggling] Oh, that tickles.

Oh! [chittering]

Oh, I forgot those were fake.

Oh, hey, little guy.

Oh, you want your head scratched?

- [chitters] - Robo?

It's you! Your spirit came back to me!

Aw, Robo.

Why is that dog hitting on my daughter?

[vibrator buzzing]

- You're an artist. - Thanks.

What's wrong?

I'm still kind of worried about Jill.

Honey, I promise you two things:

one, Jill is gonna be home soon,

and two, she's gonna be overjoyed to see us.

- What did you do? - You were half-right.

And you've been permanently banned from the Wagger app!

I mean, look at this place. Why would you do this?

[both whimper]

Oh, no. I did this.

- No, we did-- - Shh, let's play this out.

You never cause this much damage

unless you're horribly upset.

And why wouldn't you be?

I left without saying goodbye

only to be catfished by a 14-year-old

in Hacienda Heights.

I'm so sorry. [sobbing]

Come here. Come here.

I promise I'll never abandon you at Christmastime again.

- What's Christmastime? - I don't know.

There was trash everywhere--

women's razors and men's,

bottle and briskets,

an old man's Depends.

But our animals learned one true thing in the end:

the best kind of garbage to find

is good friends.

That's all I've got. You've heard my whole spiel.

A merry Trashmas to all.

And hells yeah I'm real.

♪ I'm dreamin' ♪

♪ Of a white Christmas ♪

Mm, yeah.

[humming]

[chuckles]

[squeals]

Oh.

[humming]

Eh--aah! - Aah!

[cheering]

That's nice, Jen and Gabby.

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