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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,610 --> 00:00:08,112
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,118 --> 00:00:11,722
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,827 --> 00:00:14,262
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,266 --> 00:00:18,168
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,175 --> 00:00:21,312
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,417 --> 00:00:23,051
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,054 --> 00:00:24,322
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,424 --> 00:00:31,231
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:37,856 --> 00:00:40,391
Ah, boy, do I love
the Fall Festival.
11
00:00:40,395 --> 00:00:42,130
Especially how
everywhere you turn
12
00:00:42,234 --> 00:00:43,968
is the smell of pumpkin spice.
13
00:00:43,972 --> 00:00:45,340
Pumpkin spice.
14
00:00:45,442 --> 00:00:48,845
Sounds like a reject
from a female British pop band.
15
00:00:49,652 --> 00:00:51,753
Quit tossing your scarf
over your shoulder
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00:00:51,757 --> 00:00:52,925
to punctuate your jokes.
17
00:00:53,059 --> 00:00:53,960
You know what, Peter?
18
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:55,229
I like me.
19
00:00:55,232 --> 00:00:56,700
Look, "Guess Your Weight."
20
00:00:56,802 --> 00:01:01,407
With a line that long, I'll
guess my own wait: 30 minutes.
21
00:01:02,248 --> 00:01:04,082
Oop, see you in a few.
22
00:01:04,086 --> 00:01:06,188
Got scarfed up.
23
00:01:11,538 --> 00:01:12,905
(laughing)
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00:01:12,908 --> 00:01:14,076
No. No, no, no.
25
00:01:14,177 --> 00:01:15,978
I don't-- I don't
throw in public.
26
00:01:15,982 --> 00:01:17,750
Ugh, and I only fetch.
27
00:01:17,853 --> 00:01:19,755
All right, I'll see
if I can get my money back.
28
00:01:19,857 --> 00:01:20,858
Excuse me?
29
00:01:29,983 --> 00:01:32,417
Oh, cool. I like your tattoo.
30
00:01:32,421 --> 00:01:35,156
Oh, that? Yeah, that's the
Hormone Monstress.
31
00:01:35,161 --> 00:01:37,229
She likes sex
and I like sex, so I figured
32
00:01:37,233 --> 00:01:40,002
I'd permanently disfigure
myself with something
33
00:01:40,007 --> 00:01:42,208
I'd seen on Netflix three times.
34
00:01:42,212 --> 00:01:43,746
You like sex, huh?
35
00:01:43,749 --> 00:01:46,617
You, uh, wouldn't maybe want
to grab dinner sometime?
36
00:01:46,622 --> 00:01:49,357
Nah, but I'll bang you
in the porta-potty
37
00:01:49,362 --> 00:01:51,497
back by the
very loud generators.
38
00:01:51,501 --> 00:01:54,069
The one that smells like all
different pees mixed together?
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00:01:54,074 --> 00:01:55,642
Um, hell yes.
40
00:01:55,744 --> 00:01:56,745
See ya, Stewie.
41
00:01:56,847 --> 00:01:57,748
Wait, you're just going to
42
00:01:57,849 --> 00:01:58,949
leave me here by myself?
43
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,553
Look at all these
ne'er-do-wells.
44
00:02:00,556 --> 00:02:03,693
When's that guy
gonna do well? Ne'er.
45
00:02:07,306 --> 00:02:10,542
Hello, carnival-goers, and
welcome to "Generation Gap,"
46
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,815
where we learn which of these
parents and kids
47
00:02:12,820 --> 00:02:14,021
know each other best.
48
00:02:14,123 --> 00:02:16,158
How'd you get Dad to agree
to be in this?
49
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,996
I rescued him from
the corn maze, so he owes me.
50
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,034
Oh.
51
00:02:20,037 --> 00:02:21,605
Yeah, he was crying.
52
00:02:21,707 --> 00:02:23,007
Okay, first question:
53
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,579
Parents, what does your child
want to be
54
00:02:25,584 --> 00:02:27,419
when they grow up?
55
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:30,023
How did you answer,
Team Number One?
56
00:02:30,027 --> 00:02:31,728
Lady NASA scientist.
57
00:02:31,732 --> 00:02:34,301
Okay, weird, and what did
you say, Dad?
58
00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:36,072
Hidden Figures gal?
59
00:02:36,076 --> 00:02:37,042
Judges?
60
00:02:37,044 --> 00:02:38,145
- (bell dings)
- A match.
61
00:02:38,148 --> 00:02:39,182
(crowd applauding)
62
00:02:39,283 --> 00:02:40,483
Team Number Two?
63
00:02:40,486 --> 00:02:42,321
You both said, "Retire after
64
00:02:42,425 --> 00:02:44,426
large personal
injury settlement."
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00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:45,496
- Bravo.
- (bell dings)
66
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,366
- (crowd applauding)
- Team Three?
67
00:02:47,370 --> 00:02:50,705
Guy who holds the "Slow" sign
during road construction.
68
00:02:50,710 --> 00:02:52,344
And, Dad, you said...?
69
00:02:52,348 --> 00:02:53,950
- Leprechaun.
- (buzzer buzzing)
70
00:02:54,052 --> 00:02:55,954
(laughter)
71
00:02:56,057 --> 00:02:57,926
Ooh, our first wrong answer.
72
00:02:58,029 --> 00:02:59,062
Fat Leprechaun?
73
00:02:59,064 --> 00:03:00,132
Also incorrect.
74
00:03:00,234 --> 00:03:01,268
You may not understand the game.
75
00:03:01,370 --> 00:03:02,604
Next question:
76
00:03:02,606 --> 00:03:06,810
Kids, what would your parent
say is their hobby?
77
00:03:06,916 --> 00:03:07,916
Team Number One?
78
00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:09,220
Refurbishing people's
79
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:10,356
garage door openers.
80
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,559
That's a match.
81
00:03:11,661 --> 00:03:13,129
- (bell ringing)
- It's one button.
82
00:03:13,132 --> 00:03:15,367
You just got to fix one button.
83
00:03:19,882 --> 00:03:21,816
Okay, final question.
84
00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:25,489
Team Three, who is your child's
favorite singer?
85
00:03:25,495 --> 00:03:27,363
The Price is Right yodeler.
86
00:03:27,366 --> 00:03:29,768
What? No. I said Adele.
87
00:03:29,872 --> 00:03:30,772
Judges?
88
00:03:30,774 --> 00:03:31,975
(buzzer buzzing)
89
00:03:32,077 --> 00:03:33,846
(laughter)
90
00:03:33,949 --> 00:03:35,918
Ugh, this is more humiliating
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00:03:36,021 --> 00:03:38,957
than my first day working at
that rice pilaf company.
92
00:03:39,061 --> 00:03:42,530
You know, I think we can start
putting pilaf in other things.
93
00:03:42,536 --> 00:03:45,371
Lois, can I see you
in my office for a second?
94
00:03:45,376 --> 00:03:46,845
(Lois sobbing)
95
00:03:46,947 --> 00:03:50,050
I told you not to rock
the boat over there.
96
00:03:53,597 --> 00:03:55,599
Oh, there you are, little dude.
97
00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:58,036
Ah, finally back from
the carnival, I see.
98
00:03:58,040 --> 00:03:59,609
Ah, it was amazing.
99
00:03:59,711 --> 00:04:02,112
I got to tell you
all about Amber, amigo.
100
00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,319
"Little dude"? "Amigo"?
101
00:04:04,456 --> 00:04:06,924
Brian, have you...
have you forgotten my name?
102
00:04:06,929 --> 00:04:09,030
I don't know, I-I spent
the whole afternoon
103
00:04:09,034 --> 00:04:10,768
drinking ethanol out of a ladle.
104
00:04:10,771 --> 00:04:11,604
It's "Stewie."
105
00:04:11,606 --> 00:04:12,640
Stewie, right.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
106
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:16,412
Anyway, Amber is, like,
the perfect girl for me.
107
00:04:16,418 --> 00:04:17,852
How old is she, even?
108
00:04:17,855 --> 00:04:19,289
Well, she's so weathered
109
00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:21,026
that that's a hard number
to peg.
110
00:04:21,030 --> 00:04:23,265
Either 27 or 61.
111
00:04:23,368 --> 00:04:25,870
But the thing is, Stewie,
she's leaving town
112
00:04:25,875 --> 00:04:27,876
with the carnival
in three days, Stewie,
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00:04:27,879 --> 00:04:32,317
so it's sex-sex-sex and
then "adios," Stewie.
114
00:04:32,424 --> 00:04:35,025
By the way, and, like,
relax about this,
115
00:04:35,030 --> 00:04:38,434
but is abortion
still legal in Rhode Island?
116
00:04:41,679 --> 00:04:44,314
Peter, it was humiliating
having the whole town witness
117
00:04:44,319 --> 00:04:47,221
you and Chris not knowing the
first thing about each other.
118
00:04:47,226 --> 00:04:48,760
I know the first
thing about him.
119
00:04:48,763 --> 00:04:51,865
It was his goopy head squishing
out of you like toothpaste.
120
00:04:51,870 --> 00:04:54,705
Peter, it's important
a boy knows his father.
121
00:04:54,710 --> 00:04:57,112
Now go up to Chris' room
and talk to him.
122
00:04:57,117 --> 00:04:58,818
(sighs)
123
00:05:01,627 --> 00:05:03,395
Hey, Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?
124
00:05:03,399 --> 00:05:04,699
Next door over, Chief.
125
00:05:04,702 --> 00:05:06,170
Roger that.
126
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:08,676
- (Peter knocking)
- STEWIE: Yeah, Pop? What's up?
127
00:05:08,778 --> 00:05:09,979
PETER:
Oh, I'm so sorry.
128
00:05:10,883 --> 00:05:12,650
- Chris?
- Yes?
129
00:05:12,654 --> 00:05:13,722
Phew.
130
00:05:24,717 --> 00:05:26,719
(sighs) Is there something
you want, Dad?
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00:05:26,822 --> 00:05:28,923
I don't know.
Your mom sent me up here.
132
00:05:28,927 --> 00:05:31,396
We-we embarrassed her in front
of the town or something.
133
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,735
Ugh, that is so Mom,
134
00:05:33,739 --> 00:05:36,274
always getting mad about
stuff that doesn't even matter.
135
00:05:36,412 --> 00:05:37,912
Oh, my God, tell me about it.
136
00:05:37,915 --> 00:05:39,817
I can't tell you how tired
I am of hearing,
137
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,157
"Peter, don't use my hair dryer
to dry your anus."
138
00:05:43,294 --> 00:05:44,995
(laughs) Yeah, or
139
00:05:44,999 --> 00:05:48,336
"Chris, stop freezing
bees until they fall asleep
140
00:05:48,441 --> 00:05:50,443
and gluing little leashes
on them."
141
00:05:50,546 --> 00:05:52,147
(laughs) Totally.
142
00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:54,217
God, I can't believe
you notice this stuff, too.
143
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:57,625
Oh, you mean like how if a pair
of her underpants goes missing
144
00:05:57,763 --> 00:06:00,065
she can't just let it go
and move on?
145
00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:01,269
Exactly.
146
00:06:01,272 --> 00:06:03,440
(laughter)
147
00:06:03,444 --> 00:06:06,746
Well, sounds like bonding to me.
148
00:06:06,752 --> 00:06:10,255
Looks like somebody worked some
pretty good mom magic.
149
00:06:11,062 --> 00:06:12,931
Huh? Where the hell
are all my underpants?
150
00:06:19,516 --> 00:06:21,218
Okay, place your bets.
151
00:06:21,353 --> 00:06:23,621
Stewie's shoe: burn or melt?
152
00:06:23,626 --> 00:06:25,727
I'm gonna say
a little bit of melt,
153
00:06:25,731 --> 00:06:28,234
and then a lot
of very quick burn.
154
00:06:32,547 --> 00:06:35,282
Wow, would not have expected
rainbow sparks.
155
00:06:35,287 --> 00:06:37,388
Lot of chemicals
near my baby's foot.
156
00:06:37,392 --> 00:06:39,861
Well, look at you two
getting along.
157
00:06:39,965 --> 00:06:41,567
Now I wonder who made
that happ--
158
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:43,737
Oh, my God, are you
lighting fires in the house?
159
00:06:43,741 --> 00:06:46,042
Huh. Just what we
guessed you'd say.
160
00:06:46,047 --> 00:06:47,748
Yeah, it was either
gonna be that or,
161
00:06:47,751 --> 00:06:50,653
"I'm Lois. When I don't
hit my step goals,
162
00:06:50,658 --> 00:06:53,894
I spin my arm
around to trick my Fitbit."
163
00:06:53,999 --> 00:06:55,567
(laughter)
164
00:06:55,570 --> 00:06:57,504
Wh-What is that?
Is that supposed to be me?
165
00:06:57,508 --> 00:07:00,177
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe you'll recognize this one.
166
00:07:00,281 --> 00:07:03,584
"I'm Mom. I cry on the toilet
167
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:06,991
as I circle things in catalogs
I'll never afford."
168
00:07:06,997 --> 00:07:08,165
(laughter)
169
00:07:08,267 --> 00:07:10,101
(smoke alarm beeping)
170
00:07:10,105 --> 00:07:12,741
Ah, damn it.
Look what you guys did.
171
00:07:13,614 --> 00:07:15,682
(toy siren wails)
172
00:07:15,786 --> 00:07:19,088
All right, men, looks like Mom's
got this one under control.
173
00:07:19,093 --> 00:07:22,897
Now back to the station for
spaghetti and a group shower.
174
00:07:32,258 --> 00:07:33,760
Oh, hey, Stewie, perfect timing.
175
00:07:33,862 --> 00:07:36,197
- Amber, come meet Stewie.
- Pass.
176
00:07:36,202 --> 00:07:38,770
Ooh, he's so cute.
177
00:07:38,774 --> 00:07:41,376
I just got to kidnap him,
don't I?
178
00:07:41,514 --> 00:07:42,514
Would you like that?
179
00:07:42,517 --> 00:07:43,785
I stuff you in a duffel bag,
180
00:07:43,887 --> 00:07:46,089
zip it up, we're in Indiana
before you know it?
181
00:07:46,192 --> 00:07:47,392
Charmed.
182
00:07:47,395 --> 00:07:48,562
Isn't she awesome?
183
00:07:48,564 --> 00:07:49,532
You want to come inside, babe?
184
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,802
Nah, I'm just gonna park it here
for a few hours
185
00:07:51,806 --> 00:07:56,844
and watch Fuller House
on my stepson's cracked iPad.
186
00:07:56,951 --> 00:08:00,321
I'm telling you, Stewie, this
thing is all next-level sex.
187
00:08:00,426 --> 00:08:03,795
The rugs in her van are just
filled with crushed Froot Loops.
188
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:06,638
So, while we're doing it, I can
lean over and lick the crumbs.
189
00:08:06,775 --> 00:08:08,509
I'm familiar with
the temptations
190
00:08:08,513 --> 00:08:10,282
of crushed Froot Loops,
thank you.
191
00:08:11,119 --> 00:08:13,353
Brian, you should know
the Nextdoor app
192
00:08:13,357 --> 00:08:14,824
is on fire right now.
193
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,697
"Have you seen the van?"
"What's with the van?"
194
00:08:17,702 --> 00:08:19,436
"Here's a photo of the van."
195
00:08:19,439 --> 00:08:22,508
"I checked with the police
and we can't get rid of the van
196
00:08:22,513 --> 00:08:24,480
unless we witness
criminal activity."
197
00:08:24,484 --> 00:08:26,119
And then just some
nervous comments
198
00:08:26,223 --> 00:08:29,059
about the Black Amazon driver,
but you get the gist.
199
00:08:32,738 --> 00:08:35,574
Hurry up, gang,
the movie starts soon.
200
00:08:35,678 --> 00:08:36,846
What are we seeing, Mom?
201
00:08:36,948 --> 00:08:39,216
Oh, something I've been
waiting forever for:
202
00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:42,189
Penelope's Struggle
starring Renée Zellweger.
203
00:08:42,194 --> 00:08:43,695
The dramatic, true story
204
00:08:43,798 --> 00:08:46,468
of the first female
carriage driver for the Queen.
205
00:08:46,572 --> 00:08:48,106
That movie sounds terrible.
206
00:08:48,109 --> 00:08:50,343
And, besides, Chris and I had
our hearts set on seeing
207
00:08:50,347 --> 00:08:53,117
the re-release of
You Don't Mess with the Zohan,
208
00:08:53,221 --> 00:08:55,623
now remastered
to be 40% louder.
209
00:08:55,727 --> 00:08:59,196
Oh, but, Peter,
you know I always choose
210
00:08:59,202 --> 00:09:01,471
the movie for
family movie night.
211
00:09:01,608 --> 00:09:03,243
It's tradition.
212
00:09:03,345 --> 00:09:08,483
Yeah, but just now I'm realizing
Chris and me are two guys.
213
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,126
And you're only one guy.
214
00:09:10,262 --> 00:09:11,863
So, technically,
we can outvote you.
215
00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:14,002
I'm sorry. Out-outvote me?
216
00:09:14,105 --> 00:09:15,672
But-- but what about Meg?
217
00:09:15,675 --> 00:09:16,942
I-I mean, she obviously
gets a vo--
218
00:09:16,945 --> 00:09:19,113
All in on Zohan, bro.
219
00:09:19,117 --> 00:09:21,285
ZOHAN:
My armpit is smelly
220
00:09:21,289 --> 00:09:24,558
and now you smell like
my smelly armpit.
221
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,631
(laughs) The whispers
in this movie
222
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:29,170
would be yells in other movies.
223
00:09:32,916 --> 00:09:34,385
(Fitbit beeping)
224
00:09:34,488 --> 00:09:36,623
Ugh, these are basically steps,
225
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:38,494
it's the same thing as steps.
226
00:09:38,497 --> 00:09:40,431
You can put all that away, Lois.
227
00:09:40,435 --> 00:09:42,803
Me and Chris just bought
dinner at the grocery store.
228
00:09:42,807 --> 00:09:45,710
The-the grocery store?
W-Without me?
229
00:09:45,815 --> 00:09:48,016
Okay, so everybody gets
four puddings
230
00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:49,822
and their own package
of bologna.
231
00:09:49,925 --> 00:09:52,193
But I spent all day
making lasagna.
232
00:09:52,197 --> 00:09:53,931
Yeah, no, our thing is more fun.
233
00:09:53,934 --> 00:09:54,935
Shall we take a vote?
234
00:09:55,037 --> 00:09:56,472
All in favor say "aye."
235
00:09:56,574 --> 00:09:57,607
- Aye.
- Aye.
236
00:09:57,609 --> 00:09:58,676
The "ayes" have it.
237
00:09:58,679 --> 00:10:00,080
Sorry, Lois, democracy.
238
00:10:00,083 --> 00:10:02,351
Oh, and we're dragging
the TV into the dining room.
239
00:10:02,355 --> 00:10:04,456
What? You know that's
not allowed.
240
00:10:04,460 --> 00:10:05,593
Vote? All in favor say "aye."
241
00:10:05,596 --> 00:10:06,664
- Aye.
- Aye.
242
00:10:06,765 --> 00:10:09,368
"Ayes" have it, sorry.
Kids, dinner.
243
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:15,115
Dad, can we watch
The White Lotus ?
244
00:10:15,119 --> 00:10:15,918
Why not?
245
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,121
I poop in a suitcase,
246
00:10:17,124 --> 00:10:18,824
I'm wrestled
to the ground at LaGuardia.
247
00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:21,131
That guy does it: gold statue.
248
00:10:23,506 --> 00:10:25,508
(phone chimes)
249
00:10:25,611 --> 00:10:26,512
Oh, boy.
250
00:10:26,614 --> 00:10:27,680
What? What is it?
251
00:10:27,682 --> 00:10:28,883
Text from Amber:
252
00:10:28,886 --> 00:10:30,854
"We should talk
about where this is going."
253
00:10:30,957 --> 00:10:32,992
Man, what if she wants
to get married?
254
00:10:32,996 --> 00:10:35,064
Ugh, looks like I have
to break things off with her.
255
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:37,904
(tires screeching)
256
00:10:39,812 --> 00:10:42,614
Hey, Amber.
Listen, I got your text--
257
00:10:42,719 --> 00:10:44,721
Brian, this here
ain't working out.
258
00:10:44,824 --> 00:10:46,157
We need to break up.
259
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,763
What?
You're breaking up with me?
260
00:10:48,867 --> 00:10:52,037
Whoa. Dumped by a carny. Brutal.
261
00:10:52,142 --> 00:10:54,176
Yeah, I've been thinking.
262
00:10:54,180 --> 00:10:56,048
We don't really
have much in common.
263
00:10:56,051 --> 00:10:58,787
I mean, you don't know
a single Kid Rock lyric
264
00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:01,259
or the names of
any monster trucks.
265
00:11:01,264 --> 00:11:04,566
Monst-- I--
Grave Maker, that's one.
266
00:11:04,572 --> 00:11:08,142
Ah! Grave Digger!
You're embarrassing yourself!
267
00:11:08,148 --> 00:11:10,283
Come on, what's this
really about?
268
00:11:10,386 --> 00:11:12,154
Is this because I couldn't
smash that Percocet
269
00:11:12,157 --> 00:11:13,625
into powder fast enough?
270
00:11:15,866 --> 00:11:19,503
Goodbye, Brian.
271
00:11:21,513 --> 00:11:24,849
Wow, buddy, I just want you
to know that I'm...
272
00:11:24,854 --> 00:11:26,054
She's stealing our mail.
273
00:11:26,057 --> 00:11:27,592
She's stealing our mail!
274
00:11:30,568 --> 00:11:32,402
Thanks for meeting me, guys.
275
00:11:32,406 --> 00:11:34,040
I should warn you:
this is gonna be
276
00:11:34,043 --> 00:11:37,112
a two-hands-on-the-coffee-cup
conversation.
277
00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:40,454
All right. Time to get
some work done.
278
00:11:40,559 --> 00:11:41,359
Don't mind me.
279
00:11:41,361 --> 00:11:43,196
This is screenwriting software.
280
00:11:43,299 --> 00:11:44,734
You've probably
never seen it before.
281
00:11:44,836 --> 00:11:46,338
You guys, I don't know
what to do.
282
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:49,075
I-I told Peter to bond
with Chris, and he did,
283
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,082
but now, well,
it's like they've stolen
284
00:11:51,185 --> 00:11:52,720
all the power in the family.
285
00:11:52,822 --> 00:11:53,756
Oh, no, no, no.
286
00:11:53,857 --> 00:11:56,193
For a mother to remain
in control of her family,
287
00:11:56,297 --> 00:11:58,732
she needs to make sure
there are no alliances
288
00:11:58,736 --> 00:11:59,936
she's not a part of.
289
00:11:59,939 --> 00:12:01,506
If a scene is in the sea,
290
00:12:01,509 --> 00:12:04,345
would you put
"interior" or "exterior"?
291
00:12:04,450 --> 00:12:05,484
Ah, never mind.
292
00:12:05,486 --> 00:12:06,719
No alliances, huh?
293
00:12:06,722 --> 00:12:08,491
What's a funny name for a boat?
294
00:12:08,593 --> 00:12:09,527
Well, then, that's it.
295
00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:12,131
I have to drive a wedge
between Peter and Chris.
296
00:12:12,135 --> 00:12:13,802
Push them back apart.
297
00:12:13,806 --> 00:12:17,909
Okay, now to loudly watch this
Aaron Sorkin MasterClass.
298
00:12:17,916 --> 00:12:21,152
AARON SORKIN:
Hi, I'm Aaron Sorkin and I've been paid a lot of money
299
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:23,893
to give you false hope
about your ridiculous dream.
300
00:12:23,997 --> 00:12:25,998
Oh, thanks, you guys.
301
00:12:26,002 --> 00:12:27,469
I got this.
302
00:12:27,472 --> 00:12:28,772
What the hell?
303
00:12:28,775 --> 00:12:30,310
My credit card is gone.
304
00:12:33,487 --> 00:12:34,654
"Dear Lois,
305
00:12:34,656 --> 00:12:37,992
Chris and I borrowed your credit
card to shop for fireworks
306
00:12:37,998 --> 00:12:40,766
you would normally
have to be a town to buy."
307
00:12:40,771 --> 00:12:43,707
(fireworks exploding)
308
00:12:43,811 --> 00:12:45,580
(Peter distantly laughing)
309
00:12:45,683 --> 00:12:47,684
PETER:
Ow! Ow! Ow!
310
00:12:47,688 --> 00:12:49,523
Gather all the fingers! Ow!
311
00:12:56,342 --> 00:13:00,879
All right, time to put an end
to this Peter-Chris alliance.
312
00:13:00,887 --> 00:13:04,289
Hey, FYI, I accidentally got
in the shower with my socks on.
313
00:13:04,294 --> 00:13:05,662
I wasn't sure what to do,
314
00:13:05,765 --> 00:13:08,067
so I just mashed them down
the drain with my elbow.
315
00:13:08,071 --> 00:13:09,973
Peter, we need to talk.
316
00:13:10,076 --> 00:13:12,644
I just found the oddest thing
in Chris' room.
317
00:13:12,648 --> 00:13:15,084
It's this essay he apparently
wrote for school
318
00:13:15,188 --> 00:13:17,857
about his hero: Joe Swanson.
319
00:13:17,961 --> 00:13:19,228
Joe Swanson?
320
00:13:19,231 --> 00:13:20,366
Let me see that.
321
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:24,171
Okay, th-this is actually quite
long, can you just summarize it?
322
00:13:24,276 --> 00:13:26,678
Chris says,
"Mr. Swanson's skewed take
323
00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:30,252
"on contemporary politics
is painfully astute
324
00:13:30,357 --> 00:13:32,059
and refreshingly twisted."
325
00:13:32,162 --> 00:13:33,462
That son of a bitch.
326
00:13:33,465 --> 00:13:35,600
I've been like
a father to that kid.
327
00:13:35,604 --> 00:13:36,604
I know, right?
328
00:13:36,606 --> 00:13:39,342
I mean, who does Chris
think he is?
329
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:42,518
The last three pages
is all about
330
00:13:42,521 --> 00:13:45,456
how you're aging as well
as Jennifer Lopez.
331
00:13:45,461 --> 00:13:46,361
(laughing)
332
00:13:46,363 --> 00:13:48,065
Well, that's our son.
333
00:13:48,168 --> 00:13:50,070
Oh, hey, Chris.
334
00:13:50,173 --> 00:13:51,941
You know, I just found
the oddest thing
335
00:13:52,043 --> 00:13:53,311
in your father's room:
336
00:13:53,413 --> 00:13:56,383
an essay he wrote for work
about his favorite son,
337
00:13:56,521 --> 00:13:58,723
Charles from Charles in Charge.
338
00:13:58,727 --> 00:14:01,862
What? But Charles wasn't
even one of the sons.
339
00:14:01,867 --> 00:14:03,735
He was their babysitter.
340
00:14:03,739 --> 00:14:05,439
I'm so sorry.
341
00:14:05,442 --> 00:14:07,577
I know it must be hard
to hear that your father
342
00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:09,582
would rather be a parent
to a fictional character
343
00:14:09,586 --> 00:14:12,756
who the writers, in five
seasons, never even bothered
344
00:14:12,861 --> 00:14:14,028
to give a last name--
345
00:14:14,131 --> 00:14:16,899
a totally weird but true fact,
feel free to Google that--
346
00:14:16,904 --> 00:14:18,138
than his own son.
347
00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:21,308
I hate him so much.
348
00:14:21,314 --> 00:14:25,284
Wait, Dad dots all his
I's with a smiley face?
349
00:14:25,290 --> 00:14:27,091
Yeah, that means he's got flair.
350
00:14:27,095 --> 00:14:28,862
Maybe those faces
brighten his otherwise
351
00:14:28,866 --> 00:14:31,034
bleak day just a tiny bit.
352
00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:32,372
Maybe he's known for them.
353
00:14:32,375 --> 00:14:35,243
I don't know,
it seems stupid and weird.
354
00:14:35,248 --> 00:14:36,715
You're stupid and weird!
355
00:14:36,718 --> 00:14:38,486
Now I see why
your father prefers
356
00:14:38,489 --> 00:14:40,858
Charles Last Name Unknown.
357
00:14:44,871 --> 00:14:47,873
Hello, uh, my name is Stewie,
358
00:14:47,879 --> 00:14:50,181
and I'm a milk-aholic.
359
00:14:50,284 --> 00:14:52,086
Okay, I figured out
what I got to do:
360
00:14:52,189 --> 00:14:54,091
I need to get back together
with Amber.
361
00:14:54,193 --> 00:14:56,528
What? But I thought you were
just about to break up with her.
362
00:14:56,533 --> 00:14:59,668
Brian, are you sure this isn't
just your wounded ego talking?
363
00:14:59,673 --> 00:15:01,107
Pfft, no. What?
364
00:15:01,110 --> 00:15:02,345
No, I-I can really
see us together.
365
00:15:02,447 --> 00:15:05,717
There's something romantic about
her style of life on the road.
366
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:07,791
Oh, really?
What's the romantic part?
367
00:15:07,894 --> 00:15:10,162
Taking a whore bath
in a Taco Bell restroom
368
00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:13,334
or peeing in a Gatorade bottle
that you leave near a payphone?
369
00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:14,974
You don't know what
you're talking about.
370
00:15:14,977 --> 00:15:16,111
Don't I?
371
00:15:16,114 --> 00:15:18,315
Because I think that
you can't stand
372
00:15:18,319 --> 00:15:20,121
that you got dumped by a carny,
373
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:22,257
someone you feel
is inferior to you.
374
00:15:22,261 --> 00:15:24,529
Fine, you're right, okay?
I'm pissed.
375
00:15:24,534 --> 00:15:27,703
That's why I'm off to win
Amber back so I can dump her.
376
00:15:27,708 --> 00:15:30,277
Look, man, I don't know if
Lois and the fat man told you,
377
00:15:30,415 --> 00:15:32,516
but they found a lump
on your neck.
378
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,289
Is this really what you want
to spend your time on?
379
00:15:38,768 --> 00:15:40,069
What the hell?
380
00:15:40,072 --> 00:15:43,241
I thought you said we were both
gonna get Mark Davis haircuts.
381
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,414
- Who's that?
- This maniac.
382
00:15:47,222 --> 00:15:49,224
I don't know what
you're talking about.
383
00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:51,095
I'm talking about
the voice mail you left me.
384
00:15:51,098 --> 00:15:54,233
Which now I see was all just
a trick to humiliate me.
385
00:15:54,239 --> 00:15:57,208
- I didn't leave you
a voice mail. - Oh, no?
386
00:15:57,213 --> 00:15:59,181
LOIS (imitating Chris):
Uh, hey, Dad.
387
00:15:59,285 --> 00:16:01,119
It's your son, Chris.
388
00:16:01,123 --> 00:16:03,225
Hot Pockets and Fortnite.
389
00:16:03,328 --> 00:16:06,331
Son of a bitch,
I guess I did call you.
390
00:16:06,468 --> 00:16:08,770
Hey, know what could be fun?
391
00:16:08,774 --> 00:16:12,610
If we both got bowl haircuts
like-- Oh, hang on.
392
00:16:12,617 --> 00:16:14,151
(normal voice):
Estrogen smoothie, please.
393
00:16:14,154 --> 00:16:16,156
Sorry, I'm busy
tricking my husband.
394
00:16:16,259 --> 00:16:17,493
Wait a minute.
395
00:16:17,596 --> 00:16:20,030
I would never trick my husband.
396
00:16:20,034 --> 00:16:23,170
Dad, I think Mom
may have left that message.
397
00:16:23,176 --> 00:16:24,811
(gasps) But why?
398
00:16:24,913 --> 00:16:27,749
You think she's, like, trying
to get us mad at each other?
399
00:16:27,853 --> 00:16:30,756
Well, it would certainly
explain the voice mail I got.
400
00:16:30,861 --> 00:16:32,495
Hey, Chris,
Principal Shepherd here.
401
00:16:32,498 --> 00:16:36,001
So, listen, the nurse
is going to press charges
402
00:16:36,007 --> 00:16:37,741
for you touching her breast.
403
00:16:37,744 --> 00:16:41,013
I offered her the money
like you said, but, well,
404
00:16:41,019 --> 00:16:42,486
that seemed to make it worse.
405
00:16:42,489 --> 00:16:44,457
So, we either got to come up
on that number
406
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:45,961
or find a different plan,
407
00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:51,001
but methinks a lawyer
is in our future. Hmph.
408
00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:52,910
Anyway, call me back,
409
00:16:52,914 --> 00:16:57,252
but remember the rule on these:
delete, delete, delete.
410
00:16:57,358 --> 00:16:59,226
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Message saved.
411
00:16:59,330 --> 00:17:01,832
What kind of game
is Mom playing?
412
00:17:07,717 --> 00:17:10,653
("Palisades Park" playing)
413
00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:16,200
♪ Last night I took
a walk after dark ♪
414
00:17:16,204 --> 00:17:19,172
♪ A swingin' place called
Palisades Park ♪
415
00:17:19,177 --> 00:17:22,414
♪ To have some fun
and see what I could see ♪
416
00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:24,421
♪ That's where the girls are. ♪
417
00:17:24,524 --> 00:17:27,059
Brian? What are you doing?
418
00:17:27,064 --> 00:17:28,898
Amber, please take me back.
419
00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:30,869
Look, I even brought you
a peace offering:
420
00:17:30,873 --> 00:17:32,975
a pack of cigarettes
and some Nicorette gum
421
00:17:33,078 --> 00:17:35,313
because I wasn't sure which way
you wanted to go this week.
422
00:17:35,450 --> 00:17:37,217
Aw, that's sweet.
423
00:17:37,221 --> 00:17:40,691
I'm-a smoke and chew them both
for an extra nicotine surge.
424
00:17:40,697 --> 00:17:42,831
It's what carnies call
"The Surf and Turf."
425
00:17:42,835 --> 00:17:44,203
Well, that doesn't
make much sense,
426
00:17:44,338 --> 00:17:45,740
but it sure is two things.
427
00:17:45,842 --> 00:17:48,677
Amber, we have
something special.
428
00:17:48,682 --> 00:17:50,550
I want us to grow mold together.
429
00:17:50,554 --> 00:17:52,688
Aw, me, too.
430
00:17:52,692 --> 00:17:54,728
And I'd love
to take you back, Brian,
431
00:17:54,831 --> 00:17:56,065
but if we're a couple,
that means
432
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:58,435
you'd have to be willing
to come on the road
433
00:17:58,439 --> 00:18:00,608
and work the carnival with me.
434
00:18:00,745 --> 00:18:02,879
I mean, that's my life.
435
00:18:02,883 --> 00:18:04,885
Of course.
I'm totally up for that.
436
00:18:04,988 --> 00:18:05,589
Really?
437
00:18:05,690 --> 00:18:07,991
Aw, that's boss!
438
00:18:07,996 --> 00:18:09,264
Let's do it!
439
00:18:09,366 --> 00:18:11,034
Okay, great, so you
do take me back?
440
00:18:11,137 --> 00:18:13,371
Well, then, as long as we're
officially a couple again,
441
00:18:13,375 --> 00:18:14,776
I have something to say.
442
00:18:14,779 --> 00:18:16,813
Amber, if you think
for one second--
443
00:18:16,817 --> 00:18:21,255
Oh, my gosh, Uncle Earl, you got
to meet my new boyfriend Brian.
444
00:18:21,395 --> 00:18:22,830
Good to meet you, Brian.
445
00:18:22,932 --> 00:18:25,201
But don't you break
her heart, you hear?
446
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:26,838
Last guy who treated her wrong
447
00:18:26,841 --> 00:18:28,776
had his scrotum
nail-clippered off,
448
00:18:28,879 --> 00:18:31,515
then got kicked to death
behind a Chick-fil-A.
449
00:18:31,619 --> 00:18:34,388
I assure you, my intentions
are strictly honorable.
450
00:18:34,393 --> 00:18:35,927
Okay, then.
451
00:18:35,930 --> 00:18:39,767
I'm just telling you this as
her uncle and her ex-boyfriend.
452
00:18:46,322 --> 00:18:47,223
Check it out, Chris.
453
00:18:47,357 --> 00:18:49,658
Your mom tries to turn us
against each other?
454
00:18:49,663 --> 00:18:51,965
Well, this ought to teach her
a thing or two.
455
00:18:51,969 --> 00:18:54,704
Your plan is to drop
a piano on Mom?
456
00:18:54,709 --> 00:18:55,510
No, not at all.
457
00:18:55,611 --> 00:18:57,579
See, your mother
loves this piano,
458
00:18:57,682 --> 00:18:59,584
and by stringing it up
in the air like this,
459
00:18:59,687 --> 00:19:01,555
she'll never be able
to touch it again.
460
00:19:01,559 --> 00:19:02,760
That's genius.
461
00:19:02,862 --> 00:19:05,832
My plan was just to suggest
something to you halfheartedly
462
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:08,005
and then immediately back down
like a beta.
463
00:19:08,141 --> 00:19:09,509
I think we should
go with my plan.
464
00:19:09,611 --> 00:19:11,445
No, yeah,
your-your plan is better.
465
00:19:11,449 --> 00:19:13,718
Oh, hey, you two.
What's all this?
466
00:19:13,822 --> 00:19:15,156
Don't play dumb, Mom.
467
00:19:15,258 --> 00:19:17,394
Chris and I see you're
trying to push us apart.
468
00:19:17,497 --> 00:19:19,698
Yeah, we're your husband
and your son
469
00:19:19,702 --> 00:19:21,938
and we were actually getting
to know each other,
470
00:19:22,042 --> 00:19:26,346
but it seems like some part
of you wanted that to fail.
471
00:19:27,354 --> 00:19:29,455
Oh, you guys, I am so sorry.
472
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:30,894
You're right.
473
00:19:30,996 --> 00:19:33,332
I guess, at first, I felt bad
you were making fun of me,
474
00:19:33,436 --> 00:19:35,937
and then later I resented
that you'd removed me entirely
475
00:19:35,941 --> 00:19:38,444
from any family decision-making.
476
00:19:38,548 --> 00:19:40,516
But what I did was awful.
477
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,155
I genuinely hope you
can forgive me.
478
00:19:46,233 --> 00:19:50,203
Honestly, Lois, I'm not certain
I will be able to excuse this.
479
00:19:50,210 --> 00:19:53,712
But I pray that, with time,
healing may come.
480
00:19:53,718 --> 00:19:57,354
What? You do something crazy
basically once a week
481
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:58,961
and I always forgive you.
482
00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:02,301
Fine. Get a Mark Davis haircut
and we'll call it even.
483
00:20:03,509 --> 00:20:05,276
I hate you for this, Peter.
484
00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:06,279
I know.
485
00:20:06,282 --> 00:20:08,952
Now let's go upstairs
and have idiot sex.
486
00:20:14,335 --> 00:20:15,736
Well, these last few days--
487
00:20:15,838 --> 00:20:17,973
- (piano crashing)
- Ahh! Son of a bitch!
488
00:20:17,977 --> 00:20:19,677
Dad never took the piano down.
489
00:20:19,681 --> 00:20:22,184
I think it just fell on Brian.
490
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:24,755
He has had a bad week.
491
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,729
(sighs) Anyway,
like I was saying,
492
00:20:27,734 --> 00:20:29,901
these last few days
have been quite an adventure,
493
00:20:29,905 --> 00:20:32,607
but I'm just happy that
everything is back to normal.
494
00:20:32,612 --> 00:20:35,148
Yes. And now I must away
to the sea,
495
00:20:35,252 --> 00:20:38,322
and hunt down the orca
that killed my Pappy.
496
00:20:38,426 --> 00:20:39,960
Be careful, my love,
497
00:20:39,963 --> 00:20:43,432
for no one truly knows
the secrets of the inky deep.
498
00:20:43,438 --> 00:20:45,639
Fare thee well, my love.
499
00:20:45,643 --> 00:20:51,382
♪ I'm sailing away... ♪
500
00:20:51,491 --> 00:20:55,595
SEAMUS:
As "Come Sail Away" by Styx begins to play,
501
00:20:55,702 --> 00:20:57,402
Peter heads off to the harbor,
502
00:20:57,405 --> 00:20:59,341
and we fade out.
503
00:20:59,444 --> 00:21:01,346
Thank you, Mr. Sorkin.
504
00:21:01,446 --> 00:21:03,481
♪ ♪
505
00:21:08,186 --> 00:21:11,488
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪
506
00:21:11,489 --> 00:21:14,726
♪ Come sail away with me, lads ♪
507
00:21:14,826 --> 00:21:17,762
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪
508
00:21:17,862 --> 00:21:21,298
♪ Come sail away with me ♪
509
00:21:21,299 --> 00:21:24,735
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪
510
00:21:24,736 --> 00:21:27,939
♪ Come sail away with me, babe ♪
511
00:21:28,039 --> 00:21:29,474
♪ Come sail away ♪
512
00:21:29,574 --> 00:21:31,442
♪ Come sail away, come... ♪
513
00:21:31,492 --> 00:21:36,042
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