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♪ Baby, I heard a rumor ♪
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♪ ♪
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[MUSIC CONTINUES ON RADIO]
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Aye!
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♪ And show me what I wanna see ♪
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[RADIO TURNS OFF]
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I cannot tell you
how excited I am for this weekend.
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Real estate!
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Kelly.
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This weekend is the Tri-State
Real Estate Conference.
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Yeah, the real Tri-State,
Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio.
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New York, New Jersey,
and the other one can suck it.
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So I'm gonna be pitching Flatch
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as the next big thing
to Ohio's top investors
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at the On The Horizon presentations.
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All the best realtors in
the region are gonna be here,
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so naturally, Kelly and I had
to come and make an appearance.
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Yeah. A-and I'm basically
just here as Barb's first man,
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which makes you the president
of the conference in that scenario.
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- [GIGGLES]
- How do you like that?
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This weekend was supposed
to be about me and Barb,
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like, growing our brand.
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Now Shrub's here, which is cool,
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'cause he's, like,
my best friend's... boyfriend.
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[HUFFS] I just thought
it was gonna be me and Barb,
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but whatever.
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No, keep looking at your phone, dude.
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Don't worry about me.
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Hashtag, frickin' suite life!
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- Ugh!
- Wait, is this water free?
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- Yeah, it comes with the room.
- BOTH: What?
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There's another room.
There's another room.
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What are we, frickin' rock stars?
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- [LAUGHS]
- Oh!
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Oh, my God!
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Okay, home sweet home.
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So what do we wanna hit first,
mixer, seminar?
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I was actually thinking
that we could maybe
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just hang out in the room
for a little bit.
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Okay, yes, I love that.
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Maybe we practice the pitch
for the investors.
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Let me know if you want
any feedback, okay?
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Everyone thinks I'm too honest.
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[GRUNTS]
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Hey, buddy. What the hell you doing?
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Um, unpacking. Why?
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Um, last I checked, you're
not a realtor in training,
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so these two queen beds are
actually fit for two queens.
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Yeah, Kel, Barb and I are a couple,
and couples sleep together.
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- Isn't that right, baby?
- Um, yeah.
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- You understand, right?
- Yeah.
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I'm gonna go sleep on the pullout couch.
And I'm... that's okay.
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- Got it, okay.
- That would be great.
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It's just we're
probably gonna use both, so...
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Hey, why don't you go
check out the opening remarks,
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and I'll meet you there in,
like, 20 minutes.
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Okay.
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Okay, but if you miss
the opening remarks,
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closing remarks are gonna
make zero sense!
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Today, I am meeting with a new
gynecologist, Dr. Amber Newton.
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She is the best gyno
within a 50 mile radius,
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which isn't saying that much,
'cause there's only two.
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The good news is,
you have a pristine uterus.
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[GIGGLING] Oh, well, thank you.
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I'll put that on my résumé.
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Yep. Now, the bad news,
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medically speaking,
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your ovaries are headed
to early retirement.
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I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
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Do you want kids?
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Oh, gosh. Uh... maybe? I don't know.
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Is that bad?
My boyfriend, Joe, has always been
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very ready for kids,
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but, um, it's been a crazy couple years.
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Same here, girlfriend.
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Ever since I got thrown off that horse,
I haven't been the same since.
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- Oh, my God, literally?
- Yeah.
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You know, and they say,
get right back on the horse.
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But if it is mad enough,
it'll throw you off again,
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and nobody tells you that.
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Anyway, have you thought
about freezing your eggs?
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Oh. Um, honestly, no.
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But I have read about it.
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It's a great option
for slowing down the clock.
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And a lot of women take this route.
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It gives them a little more
agency and control.
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When you're putting a listing on
Zillow, make sure to use buzzwords
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to drive traffic to your properties.
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Buzzwords include:
spacious, sun-drenched,
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garage, backyard, pool.
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Word to the wise, only put "pool"
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if there really is a pool.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Learned that lesson the hard way.
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Normally, I think school is so boring,
but this is amazing, right?
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I know that feeling.
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Is this your first TSCC?
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- Yeah.
- Welcome.
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Stan Foster, here on behalf
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of the Foster Family Foundation
Butter Bust Collection.
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We're, uh, launching
a new museum of our busts
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exclusively carved from butter.
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N-not the museum,
the stuff inside of it.
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- Okay.
- We're actually on the hunt
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for our new location for our new museum.
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Yeah, our busts go back decades.
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Not very many butter busters
can say that,
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because... you know, because they, um...
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Because they melt.
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Well, I... Kelly Mallet,
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realtor of the stars...
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Soon.
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Uh, right now I'm mainly
operating in Flatch, Ohio,
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as I like to say "The Big Little Apple."
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And I actually left
my business cards at home.
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And... but in trade for yours,
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I would love to give you
this piece of gum...
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Unchewed.
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Oh, you shouldn't have. [BOTH LAUGH]
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- Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
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So always check to make sure
that the space is homeowner-free.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Joe, I am freezing my eggs.
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Huh. Frozen chicken eggs,
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that's like a reverse hard-boil.
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Oh, no. I... I mean in here.
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Oh, wow. That's, uh...
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That's kind of a big deal.
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It is.
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And it is also not.
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- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.
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Like putting your bananas in the freezer
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to save 'em for a smoothie
later in the week.
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But it is also okay if you forget
about them and they get freezer burn.
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Does this mean you want kids?
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Ye... I... don't know.
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All I know is I have
the ovaries of a Golden Girl,
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and, um, I am running out of time.
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So even though I'm very,
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- very young still, I...
- Hey, hey, hey.
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Young or not, this is great.
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- It's a good thing.
- What's the "or not?"
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No, you're young.
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You're so young,
like a... like a baby bird.
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You know, like a...
A baby bird having a baby?
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Well, I'm not having a baby.
I am just getting an egg retrieval.
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But I do need your help.
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Sure. Come on, anything you need.
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I need you to inject me with hormones
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to prepare my body for the procedure.
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Just has to happen a couple times a day.
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- Oh.
- Meet me in the bathroom?
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I am terrified of needles,
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even the ones they use
to blow up basketballs.
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That's why I ended up
on the badminton team.
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[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
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- Hi!
- Hi, girlie.
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Oh, my God, what'd I miss?
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Dude, check out my haul...
Literally three mouse pads.
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They're just giving these out.
I don't even have a mouse.
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Dude, who cares? They're free.
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- Exactly.
- I mean, that's amazing.
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[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
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Whoo!
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I have the great honor of announcing
a very special surprise guest,
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our Friday night keynote speaker,
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coming all the way from Florida...
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Oh, my God, you got to be kidding me.
Another Floridian?
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[GASPS] Oh, you know what?
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I bet it's Becky Winters. Uh-huh.
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- She is twisted.
- Oh, heck yeah.
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Please give a warm
Tri-State area welcome
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to our friend all the way
from Pompano Beach...
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- What?
- The one and only,
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Bert Feliciano!
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ALL: [CHANTING] Bert! Bert! Bert! Bert!
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Hello, beautiful people.
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Is that...
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My [BLEEP] ex-husband.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
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Screw Bert. He thinks he can just
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roll up into my conference...
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- Hey.
- All confident and successful
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- and keynote speaker-y...
- Mm-mm.
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- Hi.
- Wearing a suit that I got him
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for our anniversary?
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It's like, what? No. I'm happy too.
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You know what, he can suck it, so...
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- Yeah, he can suck it big.
- Yep.
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Well, well, well, if it isn't
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the most beautiful lady
in the whole damn conference.
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What are you doing here, Bert?
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You know I can't say no to
a extra leg room economy ticket
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and continental breakfast.
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Besides, I had a throbbing
sense that you might be here.
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[CLEARS THROAT] Hi. Uh, Shrub.
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I'm, uh, Barb's current, uh,
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person of interest, sexually speaking.
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Do the math.
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Here I was about to hand you my keys.
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00:07:50,698 --> 00:07:53,515
- Oh, yeah?
- Thought you were the valet.
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00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:54,648
Let me get you a drink, Barbie.
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00:07:54,673 --> 00:07:57,081
Uh, I'm not thirsty,
and don't call me that.
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00:07:57,106 --> 00:07:59,464
Ah, everyone's thirsty.
Two vodka Bertinis.
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Put it on the penthouse suite.
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00:08:01,658 --> 00:08:03,203
- Yes...
- Last name Feliciano.
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00:08:03,228 --> 00:08:06,471
A-and I will do a vodka Gatorade.
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Okay, or not.
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00:08:07,870 --> 00:08:09,572
Heard you landed back in Flatch, Barb.
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Pretty small market up there.
How's that working out for you?
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00:08:11,576 --> 00:08:13,167
You know what, Flatch is amazing.
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00:08:13,192 --> 00:08:14,720
And it's not about
the size of the market.
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It's what you do with it.
But you wouldn't know
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anything about that, so.
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Exactly. Hey, Bert, man to man,
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Barb actually has to get ready
for a presentation.
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00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:23,305
So I think you should go. No offense,
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00:08:23,330 --> 00:08:25,680
but your stinky breath's
giving everyone a migraine.
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00:08:25,682 --> 00:08:26,783
Ugh, God.
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00:08:26,808 --> 00:08:27,814
Is that so?
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00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:29,667
Yeah, it is. I'm thriving, okay?
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00:08:29,686 --> 00:08:31,169
I'm thriving, Bert.
So just deal with it.
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00:08:31,187 --> 00:08:34,689
I will not let that man make me feel bad
about my career choices...
224
00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:38,484
Or my life choices
or my boy toy choices.
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00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:42,104
I have moved on.
Barb is doing great. Eye on the prize.
226
00:08:42,182 --> 00:08:46,209
And Operation "Get Flatch on the Map"
is still a go, so...
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00:08:47,445 --> 00:08:49,754
But damn, he smelled good.
228
00:08:53,026 --> 00:08:54,926
Quick, before someone sees us.
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00:08:58,122 --> 00:09:00,122
What if I put it on a chair
and you just sit on it?
230
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,549
[SIGHS] Let's get this over with.
231
00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:02,844
I have to go back to work.
232
00:09:02,869 --> 00:09:04,144
Okay, we're gonna do it.
233
00:09:04,295 --> 00:09:05,536
[INHALES]
234
00:09:05,555 --> 00:09:07,205
We're doing it. We're doing it.
235
00:09:07,230 --> 00:09:09,724
Yep. Starting now.
236
00:09:09,876 --> 00:09:12,518
Three, two, one.
237
00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:14,696
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
238
00:09:23,832 --> 00:09:25,648
Seeing Bert yesterday
definitely threw me
239
00:09:25,667 --> 00:09:28,409
for a curveball, but today is a new day.
240
00:09:28,561 --> 00:09:30,745
I've got my pitch, I've got my boy toy,
241
00:09:30,897 --> 00:09:32,897
I've got my new attitude, and... oh,
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00:09:32,916 --> 00:09:35,324
big ol' glass of wine
never hurt anybody.
243
00:09:35,402 --> 00:09:38,803
[LAUGHS] So bottoms up. Go, Barb.
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00:09:40,073 --> 00:09:41,497
[GASPING]
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00:09:41,516 --> 00:09:43,064
Shrub, how many seconds was that?
246
00:09:43,089 --> 00:09:45,576
I'm sorry, I lost count.
Barb was nibbling my ear.
247
00:09:45,595 --> 00:09:47,212
Damn it, Shrub! I was under there
248
00:09:47,237 --> 00:09:49,574
for, like, five minutes.
Are you serious?
249
00:09:49,599 --> 00:09:51,432
You guys, I think I figured out
250
00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:53,366
how to breathe underwater
using the air jets.
251
00:09:53,391 --> 00:09:56,080
Heh-heh-hey.
I thought I might find you here.
252
00:09:56,105 --> 00:09:57,846
Uh, yeah, obviously we're here.
253
00:09:57,866 --> 00:10:00,366
It's the hot tub. It's, like, the
hottest place you can be in a hotel.
254
00:10:00,443 --> 00:10:01,592
Good one. [INHALES DEEPLY]
255
00:10:01,594 --> 00:10:03,611
Mm. That chlorine's taking me back.
256
00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:06,539
Remember Charleston, Barb, 2009,
La Quinta Inn?
257
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,501
- I don't.
- That hot tub looked
258
00:10:08,526 --> 00:10:10,268
like a crime scene by the time
we were through with it.
259
00:10:10,270 --> 00:10:11,619
Ew, what? What'd you do?
260
00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:12,966
Adult stuff, don't worry about it.
261
00:10:12,991 --> 00:10:14,599
[GRUNTS] You guys don't mind
if I knock out
262
00:10:14,624 --> 00:10:16,274
a couple push-ups right here, do you?
263
00:10:16,292 --> 00:10:18,109
Never know who you're gonna
be lifting up later.
264
00:10:18,127 --> 00:10:19,868
This guy gets it.
265
00:10:19,888 --> 00:10:23,539
[STRAINING] Two, three.
266
00:10:23,616 --> 00:10:25,616
[LAUGHS] It's so easy.
267
00:10:25,635 --> 00:10:27,635
Barb, hop on my back
like we did in the old days.
268
00:10:27,712 --> 00:10:29,287
No, I'm fine right
where I'm at, thank you.
269
00:10:29,289 --> 00:10:31,046
- Suit yourself.
- Yeah, you know what, big guy?
270
00:10:31,066 --> 00:10:33,215
I'm actually feeling
pretty push-uppy myself.
271
00:10:33,235 --> 00:10:35,592
Hop on up, Seabiscuit. [INDISTINCT]
272
00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:36,961
[CLAPPING]
273
00:10:36,980 --> 00:10:38,312
Uh!
274
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:41,209
Nice form. Psych.
275
00:10:41,234 --> 00:10:42,610
- Good.
- Ugh!
276
00:10:42,635 --> 00:10:43,759
I'm moving to modified.
277
00:10:43,784 --> 00:10:45,698
Barb, I'm gonna go shower off...
278
00:10:45,723 --> 00:10:46,931
Nude.
279
00:10:46,956 --> 00:10:48,225
- Wanna join?
- No.
280
00:10:48,250 --> 00:10:49,991
Clearly, I have moved on, Bert, okay?
281
00:10:50,143 --> 00:10:51,993
All right, well, penthouse
suite if you change your mind.
282
00:10:52,145 --> 00:10:53,462
Bring the rest of that sandwich.
283
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:55,146
- Water's warm.
- Uh, she's a little busy
284
00:10:55,164 --> 00:10:57,815
being a real estate tycoon, Bert!
285
00:10:57,834 --> 00:11:00,668
And actually, she's busy
having sex with my cousin!
286
00:11:00,745 --> 00:11:03,263
Ah, I'm gonna sleep well tonight.
287
00:11:03,414 --> 00:11:06,599
Things did not go great
for Shrub back there.
288
00:11:06,676 --> 00:11:08,101
Or Barb.
289
00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:09,827
Or really me, because I don't even know
290
00:11:09,829 --> 00:11:12,438
if I broke my PR
for underwater breath-holding.
291
00:11:12,590 --> 00:11:15,758
[SIGHS] But Barb's gonna turn
it around at the presentation.
292
00:11:15,777 --> 00:11:18,111
She's totally gonna
bring it home for Flatch.
293
00:11:18,187 --> 00:11:20,113
Barb?
294
00:11:20,189 --> 00:11:21,990
Barb!
295
00:11:34,203 --> 00:11:36,370
Something is going on with those two.
296
00:11:36,523 --> 00:11:39,448
And I'm not stopping
until I figure out what it is.
297
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:41,968
- Joe, just do it.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
298
00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:43,452
Shut up.
299
00:11:43,530 --> 00:11:45,494
Enough is enough. You are killing me.
300
00:11:45,519 --> 00:11:47,118
Just stick the needle in me. Do it now.
301
00:11:47,143 --> 00:11:49,310
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
302
00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:51,218
Drugs.
303
00:11:51,295 --> 00:11:53,642
Looking back, all the signs were there.
304
00:11:53,667 --> 00:11:56,482
I mean, no sober person would
dress the way Cheryl does.
305
00:11:56,634 --> 00:12:01,045
It's just so much darker
than I imagined.
306
00:12:01,064 --> 00:12:05,325
I have to act fast before they
turn Cheryl's sad life into a podcast.
307
00:12:05,401 --> 00:12:07,051
So we have a bit
of a situation on our hands.
308
00:12:07,053 --> 00:12:10,721
Barb is wasted, and her
presentation starts pretty...
309
00:12:10,723 --> 00:12:12,056
Right now.
310
00:12:12,075 --> 00:12:14,667
Okay, uh, so we're gonna
sober her up, obviously.
311
00:12:14,819 --> 00:12:17,562
Unfortunately, we ate most of
what the minibar has to offer,
312
00:12:17,564 --> 00:12:19,043
but we are using what we have left.
313
00:12:19,068 --> 00:12:20,489
Dude, it's not working!
It's not working.
314
00:12:20,514 --> 00:12:21,972
- Um...
- Come on.
315
00:12:21,997 --> 00:12:23,826
- Baby bird it. Baby bird it.
- Okay, okay.
316
00:12:23,903 --> 00:12:25,920
Okay, Barb, I'm about
to baby bird you a cracker.
317
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:28,681
- Can I have your permission?
- Great, great, great.
318
00:12:28,833 --> 00:12:30,575
Get it in. Get it in.
Get it in. Get it in.
319
00:12:30,593 --> 00:12:32,243
[MUFFLED] Oh, it's not working!
320
00:12:32,245 --> 00:12:33,411
Give me it! Give me it!
321
00:12:33,429 --> 00:12:34,762
I'm gonna tickle her. You spit it in.
322
00:12:34,914 --> 00:12:36,414
Tickle. Tickle, tickle. [GIGGLING]
323
00:12:36,416 --> 00:12:38,340
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Come here,
come here, oh, my God.
324
00:12:38,418 --> 00:12:39,584
[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, my God!
325
00:12:39,677 --> 00:12:41,752
Barb, come on, okay?
The pitches have started.
326
00:12:41,754 --> 00:12:43,679
You can do this.
You're a real estate maven.
327
00:12:43,756 --> 00:12:45,590
- You got it.
- [SLURRED] Bert was right.
328
00:12:45,592 --> 00:12:48,092
I'm never gonna make it
in Flatch. I suck.
329
00:12:48,094 --> 00:12:49,702
- No, you do not suck, dude.
- Yeah.
330
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,497
You are literally the coolest
person I've ever met
331
00:12:51,522 --> 00:12:52,855
and the best kisser, truly.
332
00:12:52,874 --> 00:12:55,524
Bert didn't think so.
I mean, he basically left me
333
00:12:55,602 --> 00:12:58,119
in a dumpster for dead, so...
334
00:12:58,195 --> 00:12:59,695
That's horrific.
335
00:12:59,772 --> 00:13:01,556
This isn't about Bert, okay?
336
00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:04,108
This is about you being a boss
bitch and selling Flatch.
337
00:13:04,127 --> 00:13:06,119
You told me this pitch was
gonna really change stuff
338
00:13:06,144 --> 00:13:07,778
for us, and, like, I really wanted that.
339
00:13:07,797 --> 00:13:10,948
I'm sorry, Kelly. I can't do it.
340
00:13:10,950 --> 00:13:12,633
I can't.
341
00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:15,520
Well, I'm not gonna
let Bert ruin it for me too.
342
00:13:16,547 --> 00:13:18,456
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Where's she going?
343
00:13:18,458 --> 00:13:20,048
I don't know.
344
00:13:20,068 --> 00:13:21,717
Oh, she's back.
345
00:13:21,811 --> 00:13:24,311
- Looks good on her.
- I'm doing the pitch,
346
00:13:24,388 --> 00:13:27,314
for you, for me,
347
00:13:27,467 --> 00:13:29,283
and for Flatch.
348
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:34,080
Sorry, that felt kind of dramatic,
but it just felt like a cool moment.
349
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,657
No, dude, that was cool,
the coolest thing I've ever seen.
350
00:13:36,734 --> 00:13:38,142
I appreciate you now and always...
351
00:13:38,161 --> 00:13:39,493
- Yeah...
- Kelly...
352
00:13:39,646 --> 00:13:41,421
Yes?
353
00:13:41,497 --> 00:13:44,331
I want you to take Stacy,
354
00:13:44,484 --> 00:13:46,011
my success wig.
355
00:13:46,036 --> 00:13:47,779
- [CHUCKLES IN AMAZEMENT]
- Are you frickin' serious?
356
00:13:47,804 --> 00:13:50,456
As a heart attack. You got this.
357
00:13:51,599 --> 00:13:53,749
Literally never lets
anyone do that, not even me.
358
00:13:53,768 --> 00:13:55,768
You can do this.
359
00:13:55,845 --> 00:13:57,937
Yeah, perfect. Go get 'em.
360
00:13:57,962 --> 00:13:59,646
- Go.
- It looks great.
361
00:13:59,722 --> 00:14:01,130
- It does.
- Go get 'em.
362
00:14:01,149 --> 00:14:02,557
Go, Kel, go!
363
00:14:02,582 --> 00:14:04,432
[DOOR CLOSES] Oh.
364
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:07,612
[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]
365
00:14:11,827 --> 00:14:14,402
All right, Mallet, you got this.
366
00:14:14,427 --> 00:14:16,594
And that's a wrap!
367
00:14:16,619 --> 00:14:18,291
Thank you so much, everyone!
368
00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:21,501
[APPLAUSE AND INDISTINCT SPEECH]
369
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,652
Be sure to meet us at the hotel bar...
370
00:14:23,677 --> 00:14:25,176
Bar's this way.
371
00:14:25,201 --> 00:14:26,377
No.
372
00:14:26,402 --> 00:14:28,066
See you out there!
373
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,585
Uh, have you heard
of a town called Flatch?
374
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,303
Oh. Sorry.
375
00:14:34,349 --> 00:14:35,598
[BLEEP]
376
00:14:39,096 --> 00:14:41,597
Oh, my God!
377
00:14:42,023 --> 00:14:44,599
Come quick. Something's wrong with June.
378
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,276
- Oh.
- Oh.
379
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,438
[GASPS] Oh, my God, June!
380
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:51,573
[CRIES OUT]
381
00:14:52,316 --> 00:14:53,785
No pulse.
382
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,071
Get out of the way. I know CPR, I think.
383
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:57,228
Okay, well, it's too late. All right?
384
00:14:57,253 --> 00:14:59,614
- She's dead.
- Oh, my God!
385
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:03,284
Cause of death: a drug overdose!
386
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,452
Wha...
387
00:15:04,477 --> 00:15:07,478
And... scene.
388
00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:09,007
[GRUNTS]
389
00:15:10,349 --> 00:15:13,254
Addiction, bad. Drugs, bad.
390
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:14,946
Are you scared yet?
391
00:15:14,964 --> 00:15:16,556
It's time to get scared straight!
392
00:15:16,581 --> 00:15:18,093
What is happening right now?
393
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,191
June's not dead.
394
00:15:19,216 --> 00:15:22,643
What I saw today was very concerning.
395
00:15:22,668 --> 00:15:24,109
So I had to do something.
396
00:15:24,134 --> 00:15:26,618
See something, say something.
397
00:15:26,643 --> 00:15:27,809
Hashtag, be a hero.
398
00:15:27,977 --> 00:15:29,627
Hey. What are you talking about?
399
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,462
There were needles
in the communal needle box,
400
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,072
which has been empty for,
like, ten years.
401
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,299
Wait, you were going
through the needle box?
402
00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:37,226
- Is that even legal?
- Cheryl, hey, look at me.
403
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:38,803
Look, can you see me right now?
404
00:15:38,821 --> 00:15:40,246
When did the drug abuse start?
405
00:15:40,323 --> 00:15:42,916
Was it the day you wore that
horrifying purple nap dress,
406
00:15:42,941 --> 00:15:44,543
or... oh, my God,
it was when you decided
407
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:45,919
to cut your own bangs, wasn't it?
408
00:15:45,995 --> 00:15:47,828
It's okay to ask for help.
409
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:50,757
I was addicted to energy drinks
back in the day.
410
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:53,075
- Oh.
- And also LSD.
411
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,877
But it was the '60s
412
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,412
- through the '80s.
- Okay.
413
00:15:56,431 --> 00:15:57,989
Yeah, I'm not doing any drugs,
414
00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:01,325
well, at least not any of the fun ones.
415
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:04,420
[GROANS] I'm freezing my eggs!
416
00:16:04,439 --> 00:16:07,434
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Yeah, the injections are to get
417
00:16:07,459 --> 00:16:09,902
as many eggs as possible
before the procedure.
418
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,778
So you are having a baby.
419
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:13,262
- No, no.
- Not yet.
420
00:16:13,281 --> 00:16:14,955
Wait, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
421
00:16:14,980 --> 00:16:17,175
Back up, back up, back up.
You-you've been sober
422
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:18,434
while you're getting dressed every day?
423
00:16:18,453 --> 00:16:20,436
The point has been made, Nadine.
424
00:16:20,455 --> 00:16:22,455
I can't... I feel like I'm on drugs.
425
00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,248
Honestly.
426
00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:26,327
Here you go.
427
00:16:26,352 --> 00:16:28,869
I got this from the sink,
but the Cincinnati tap water's,
428
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:31,255
like, super good, so I think
you're gonna love it.
429
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,782
- Thank you.
- Of course.
430
00:16:33,802 --> 00:16:35,117
You are my queen.
431
00:16:35,136 --> 00:16:37,195
About that, I think we should talk.
432
00:16:37,213 --> 00:16:39,213
Oh, sorry, yeah,
I was just trying "queen" out
433
00:16:39,238 --> 00:16:40,445
to see if it worked, but I agree.
434
00:16:40,470 --> 00:16:41,785
- No, no, no.
- It doesn't work when I sa...
435
00:16:41,810 --> 00:16:43,718
I don't mean about that.
436
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,721
- Oh.
- I... I mean about us.
437
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,207
I think we should talk about us.
438
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:50,632
Okay.
439
00:16:50,652 --> 00:16:54,228
I think we can both see
that I'm not over Bert.
440
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:55,730
I mean, I thought I was,
441
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:58,116
but I'm having a really hard time.
442
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,143
Yeah, I... I feel that.
443
00:17:01,162 --> 00:17:03,387
Um, real quick,
if this is about the push-ups,
444
00:17:03,406 --> 00:17:05,331
like, the floor was really wet.
445
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,000
It was not about the push-ups.
446
00:17:07,076 --> 00:17:08,835
Shrub, you didn't do anything wrong.
447
00:17:08,911 --> 00:17:11,078
I need time to process this.
448
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,580
I need to Barb out.
449
00:17:12,674 --> 00:17:13,914
Oh.
450
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,299
Alone.
451
00:17:16,678 --> 00:17:18,252
So are...
452
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:21,180
Are we... breaking up?
453
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:25,018
- Yeah.
- Okay.
454
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:27,103
I'm so sorry.
455
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:31,098
Well, should we have breakup sex?
456
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,417
It's just we... we've done it,
like, 11 full times.
457
00:17:33,419 --> 00:17:34,463
I just like if we got to, like,
458
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:35,821
- an even dozen, it might be...
- No.
459
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:37,739
- Mm... mm, no.
- Okay.
460
00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,758
[SIGHS]
461
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:42,351
You know, you win some, you lose some.
462
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,037
But this conference is every year,
463
00:17:44,039 --> 00:17:48,374
so that's 365 days to make
another slammin' pitch...
464
00:17:48,526 --> 00:17:50,526
Stan? Stan.
465
00:17:50,545 --> 00:17:52,721
Stan, it's Kelly
from yesterday in a wig.
466
00:17:52,746 --> 00:17:54,916
Ah, hey, Kelly. How's
the conference treating ya?
467
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:58,109
Okay, no time for small talk.
I would love to tell you about Flatch.
468
00:17:58,127 --> 00:18:00,611
We were actually supposed to be
on the In the Horizon thing...
469
00:18:00,630 --> 00:18:02,729
N-no, no, Kelly, I'm done for the day.
470
00:18:02,754 --> 00:18:04,596
Uh...
471
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:07,376
- Mmm.
- You following me?
472
00:18:07,395 --> 00:18:08,452
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
473
00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:09,545
Just give me a chance.
474
00:18:09,564 --> 00:18:11,380
All right, fine, Kelly, elevator pitch.
475
00:18:11,399 --> 00:18:12,714
Hit me.
476
00:18:12,734 --> 00:18:14,025
Elevator.
477
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:16,944
Okay.
478
00:18:17,814 --> 00:18:20,222
Sometimes I'm at home and I go,
I can't stop thinking about elevators.
479
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:23,317
What a cute little square box
that you're just hopping around in.
480
00:18:23,469 --> 00:18:25,411
We do not have any in Flatch right now,
481
00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:28,230
but we could get some if y... or no.
482
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,308
We don't need it because butter
doesn't even need to rise,
483
00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,919
- 'cause heat rises.
- I meant why should I build
484
00:18:32,995 --> 00:18:35,254
in Flatch?
485
00:18:35,406 --> 00:18:38,907
Okay, so Flatch is literally
the greatest place on the entire Earth.
486
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,985
Okay? And I'm not just saying
that 'cause I'm talking to you.
487
00:18:41,003 --> 00:18:44,322
But I've lived there my entire life,
and I hate leaving.
488
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:48,267
I hate going out of town because it
has everything you could ever want.
489
00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:50,845
Like, we just got a soda machine
where you can just press a button
490
00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:52,254
and have any drink that you want.
491
00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:53,589
Like, you could just be like,
oh, I'll have
492
00:18:53,608 --> 00:18:56,350
half Sprite, half root beer.
And no one says no.
493
00:18:56,502 --> 00:18:58,352
Um, we're also perfect distance
494
00:18:58,504 --> 00:19:00,446
between Indianapolis and Pittsburgh,
495
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:04,358
so people love to stop
for a pee or for snacks.
496
00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,344
Oh, my God. I should have led with this.
497
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:07,528
I should have led with this.
498
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:10,181
Everyone in Flatch loves butter...
499
00:19:10,199 --> 00:19:13,026
So frickin' much.
The doctor goes, "No more butter,"
500
00:19:13,051 --> 00:19:14,852
and they just still eat it.
501
00:19:14,871 --> 00:19:17,688
So you butter believe in Flatch.
502
00:19:17,707 --> 00:19:18,780
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
503
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,116
Um, I just made that last tag up,
504
00:19:21,210 --> 00:19:24,178
and a little bit of some
of the stuff earlier, but...
505
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:26,864
All right, Kelly.
506
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,717
Flatch just made my short list.
507
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,036
- Really?
- Really.
508
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:34,147
Now don't follow me into the bar.
509
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:39,318
Oh... [LAUGHING]
510
00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:41,303
Okay.
511
00:19:41,322 --> 00:19:43,377
I really wanna go in the bar too,
512
00:19:43,402 --> 00:19:46,202
but I don't know, like, what's
a n-normal amount of time
513
00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:48,435
to wait before it's not weird?
514
00:19:49,972 --> 00:19:51,288
[CHOKED UP LAUGH]
515
00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:54,108
I'm so proud of myself.
516
00:19:57,813 --> 00:19:59,071
Since the cat's out of the bag
517
00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:02,482
about my egg freezing, Nadine
has volunteered to give me injections.
518
00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:06,303
Well, less volunteered, more insisted.
519
00:20:06,305 --> 00:20:07,896
She was really into it.
520
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:11,809
She also gave me a bunch
of her old outfits.
521
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:15,087
Which I fully understand has nothing
to do with the baby thing.
522
00:20:15,238 --> 00:20:17,314
I mean, so basically now
Stan and I are best buds,
523
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:19,741
and he's gonna, like, build
a butter empire in our backyard
524
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,409
if we play our cards right, I mean...
525
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,411
That's awesome, Kel.
526
00:20:23,436 --> 00:20:25,839
Why are you sad about my awesome news?
W-what's going on?
527
00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:29,602
Barb and I, like, broke up.
528
00:20:30,846 --> 00:20:32,938
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, it's a bummer.
529
00:20:33,090 --> 00:20:35,332
I was actually starting
to feel things for her.
530
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:37,258
- Mm-hmm.
- And not, like, sex things,
531
00:20:37,336 --> 00:20:39,503
but, like, real things.
532
00:20:39,521 --> 00:20:42,022
Even though the sex things
were also very incredible.
533
00:20:42,047 --> 00:20:45,359
Of course. Of course.
Hey, I'm really, really sorry, dude.
534
00:20:45,435 --> 00:20:48,269
I mean it. For what it's worth,
535
00:20:48,347 --> 00:20:50,939
I do think it's probably for the best.
536
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:55,443
♪ I've got the eye
of the tiger, a fighter ♪
537
00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:57,521
♪ Dancing through the fire ♪
538
00:20:57,539 --> 00:21:00,633
♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪
539
00:21:00,658 --> 00:21:02,278
Sing! Why aren't you singing?
540
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:06,029
♪ And you're gonna hear me roar ♪
541
00:21:06,054 --> 00:21:07,995
Barb still has a lot
of stuff to work through.
542
00:21:08,050 --> 00:21:09,216
Yeah.
543
00:21:09,368 --> 00:21:11,310
Know what might help?
544
00:21:11,387 --> 00:21:12,686
What?
545
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:16,682
Charged it all to Bert's room.
546
00:21:16,707 --> 00:21:19,209
Uh, penthouse suite,
last name Feliciano.
547
00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:20,377
[BOTH LAUGH]
548
00:21:20,396 --> 00:21:21,487
Got him.
549
00:21:21,512 --> 00:21:23,421
Best weekend ever.
550
00:21:23,446 --> 00:21:25,542
Also, I totally won the push-up contest.
551
00:21:25,567 --> 00:21:27,642
- A hundred percent, dude.
- Yeah.
552
00:21:27,736 --> 00:21:29,720
No.
553
00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:30,776
Five-second rule.
554
00:21:30,850 --> 00:21:32,366
Put it on. Put it on. Put it on.
555
00:21:32,391 --> 00:21:35,417
Ah, that was almost very bad.
556
00:21:35,531 --> 00:21:39,531
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
41351
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