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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:01,701 - ♪ MTV ♪ 2 00:20:28,986 --> 00:20:30,487 [sleigh bells jingling] 3 00:20:30,487 --> 00:20:32,423 [gentle music] 4 00:20:32,423 --> 00:20:36,160 - Dear heavenly Father, Jim Dangle is a good fella. 5 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,362 Please look after him tonight. 6 00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:41,632 - Lord, please look after the lieutenant tonight. 7 00:20:41,632 --> 00:20:43,667 He's in a tough spot. 8 00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:47,671 - God, please, when will I get my period? 9 00:20:47,671 --> 00:20:49,139 Oh, and if you get a minute, 10 00:20:49,139 --> 00:20:50,741 could you look after my friend Jim Dangle? 11 00:20:50,741 --> 00:20:53,444 He looks like he's kind of losing it. 12 00:20:53,444 --> 00:20:56,347 ♪ ♪ 13 00:20:56,347 --> 00:20:59,316 - [sobbing] 14 00:20:59,316 --> 00:21:01,585 Oh, Lord. 15 00:21:01,585 --> 00:21:03,020 What a year! 16 00:21:03,020 --> 00:21:04,622 I got weasel pox 17 00:21:04,622 --> 00:21:07,992 and then I got rebound weasel pox, 18 00:21:07,992 --> 00:21:11,395 and then I bought all that cryptocurrency 19 00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:14,798 because of that excellent commercial with Matt Damon. 20 00:21:14,798 --> 00:21:17,735 And then I finally got that 21 00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:19,937 Alanis Morissette tramp stamp that I wanted, 22 00:21:19,937 --> 00:21:21,972 and the guy spelled it... 23 00:21:21,972 --> 00:21:25,943 so close, but not-- not exactly right. 24 00:21:25,943 --> 00:21:28,012 [bicycle bell dinging] 25 00:21:28,012 --> 00:21:29,313 Oh, hey, sir? 26 00:21:29,313 --> 00:21:30,914 Please don't fuck my bicycle. 27 00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:32,650 That's my bike that you're fucking, sir. 28 00:21:32,650 --> 00:21:34,518 Hey, sir? Sir? 29 00:21:34,518 --> 00:21:35,986 OK, guess what? 30 00:21:35,986 --> 00:21:38,789 Joke's on you, that bike seat has weasel pox on it. 31 00:21:38,789 --> 00:21:40,791 Oh, Lord. 32 00:21:40,791 --> 00:21:43,727 If there was ever a Christmas angel out there, 33 00:21:43,727 --> 00:21:45,296 I sure could use one tonight. 34 00:21:45,296 --> 00:21:48,499 [angelic singing] 35 00:21:48,499 --> 00:21:50,401 ♪ ♪ 36 00:21:50,401 --> 00:21:52,036 - Bee! - Ahh! Oh, my God! 37 00:21:52,036 --> 00:21:53,203 Terry? 38 00:21:53,203 --> 00:21:54,471 - No, it's a Christmas angel. 39 00:21:54,471 --> 00:21:56,874 - It's Terry as a Christmas angel. 40 00:21:56,874 --> 00:21:58,008 - Yeah, that's my name. 41 00:21:58,008 --> 00:21:59,343 - You got new skates. - Yeah. 42 00:21:59,343 --> 00:22:00,678 - You put mistletoe on your-- 43 00:22:00,678 --> 00:22:02,079 - On my gennies. 44 00:22:02,079 --> 00:22:04,148 All the elves gather around, and then they rub it 45 00:22:04,148 --> 00:22:05,549 and then I make a candy cane 46 00:22:05,549 --> 00:22:07,318 and then snow comes out in their face. 47 00:22:07,318 --> 00:22:08,552 - Terry. - What? 48 00:22:08,552 --> 00:22:10,788 - I'm just having the worst year ever. 49 00:22:10,788 --> 00:22:12,122 I hate to say this, 50 00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:13,390 but wouldn't the world be better 51 00:22:13,390 --> 00:22:15,292 if maybe I'd just never been born? 52 00:22:15,292 --> 00:22:17,494 - [gasps] How can you say that? 53 00:22:17,494 --> 00:22:19,563 - I just did, with my mouth, out into your face. 54 00:22:19,563 --> 00:22:21,765 - Lieutenant Dangle, do you want to see what Reno would 55 00:22:21,765 --> 00:22:24,068 be like if you were never born? 56 00:22:24,068 --> 00:22:25,269 - Show me, Terry. 57 00:22:25,269 --> 00:22:26,737 What do I have to do? 58 00:22:26,737 --> 00:22:28,038 - It's real simple. 59 00:22:28,038 --> 00:22:30,174 Just hold on to my jingle berries. 60 00:22:30,174 --> 00:22:31,709 - Is this a--your trick-- no, this is a trick. 61 00:22:31,709 --> 00:22:33,077 - No, it's not. 62 00:22:33,077 --> 00:22:34,378 - OK. 63 00:22:34,378 --> 00:22:36,747 Where there's a will, there's a way. 64 00:22:36,747 --> 00:22:39,116 [ethereal harp music] 65 00:22:39,116 --> 00:22:41,018 - Oh, my gosh. 66 00:22:41,018 --> 00:22:42,920 - Is that--no! 67 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:43,987 - Yes. 68 00:22:43,987 --> 00:22:46,690 [gentle glass harp music playing] 69 00:22:46,690 --> 00:22:49,660 [wild cheering] 70 00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:52,963 ♪ ♪ 71 00:22:52,963 --> 00:22:54,098 - Trudy? 72 00:22:54,098 --> 00:22:55,666 - [whispering] Yes. 73 00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:57,835 - She's incomparable. 74 00:22:57,835 --> 00:23:04,808 ♪ ♪ 75 00:23:04,808 --> 00:23:06,009 - Trudy! 76 00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:07,311 - No, she can't hear you. 77 00:23:07,311 --> 00:23:09,079 Remember, you were never born. 78 00:23:09,079 --> 00:23:11,348 ♪ ♪ 79 00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:13,550 - Is that Rizzo? Rizzo! 80 00:23:13,550 --> 00:23:14,952 Rizzo, It's Jim! 81 00:23:14,952 --> 00:23:15,986 - He can't hear you. 82 00:23:15,986 --> 00:23:17,221 - Oh, right. 83 00:23:17,221 --> 00:23:19,857 [music intensifies] 84 00:23:19,857 --> 00:23:22,192 [wild cheering] 85 00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:24,762 ♪ ♪ 86 00:23:24,762 --> 00:23:26,597 - Not on my watch. 87 00:23:26,597 --> 00:23:27,798 [grunts] 88 00:23:27,798 --> 00:23:28,866 - [screams] 89 00:23:28,866 --> 00:23:30,467 - Go! 90 00:23:30,467 --> 00:23:32,302 Yeah! 91 00:23:32,302 --> 00:23:35,239 [cheers and applause] 92 00:23:35,239 --> 00:23:37,040 [microphone feedback] - Thank you, everyone! 93 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,409 My name is Trudy Wiegel. 94 00:23:38,409 --> 00:23:40,744 I love each and every one of you! 95 00:23:40,744 --> 00:23:42,679 [steam hisses] 96 00:23:42,679 --> 00:23:46,884 - Let's see what Jones is like if you were never born. 97 00:23:46,884 --> 00:23:49,286 - [fading out] Show me no more! 98 00:23:49,286 --> 00:23:51,822 Show me no-- [ethereal harp music] 99 00:23:51,822 --> 00:23:54,191 [indistinct chatter] 100 00:23:54,191 --> 00:23:56,160 Holy snot. 101 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,463 [cheers and applause] 102 00:23:59,463 --> 00:24:02,633 [inspiring music] 103 00:24:02,633 --> 00:24:05,135 ♪ ♪ 104 00:24:05,135 --> 00:24:09,573 Jones is the mother-effing Sunday front-of-house manager 105 00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:12,709 at the mother-effing Melting Crock? 106 00:24:14,111 --> 00:24:15,779 - Oh, yeah. - My God. 107 00:24:15,779 --> 00:24:19,616 ♪ ♪ 108 00:24:19,616 --> 00:24:21,718 - Hot-cha. 109 00:24:21,718 --> 00:24:24,688 ♪ ♪ 110 00:24:24,688 --> 00:24:25,889 - Yeah. 111 00:24:25,889 --> 00:24:27,991 - Oh, my God. They love him so much. 112 00:24:27,991 --> 00:24:29,159 - He's worshipped. 113 00:24:29,159 --> 00:24:31,929 - All right, let's fon-do this! 114 00:24:31,929 --> 00:24:33,797 [laughter] 115 00:24:33,797 --> 00:24:35,933 - Where? Why? 116 00:24:35,933 --> 00:24:37,901 Is that Kimball? 117 00:24:37,901 --> 00:24:41,371 - I would do literally anything if you would get us a table 118 00:24:41,371 --> 00:24:43,974 sooner than 45 minutes. 119 00:24:43,974 --> 00:24:47,845 - Well, maybe I can accommodate you and your little pussy. 120 00:24:47,845 --> 00:24:51,582 - Oh, there isn't a cat in this cat carrier. 121 00:24:51,582 --> 00:24:52,983 There's a snake. 122 00:24:52,983 --> 00:24:55,219 And I have a doctor's note that says I'm allowed 123 00:24:55,219 --> 00:24:57,721 to bring it into restaurants. 124 00:24:57,721 --> 00:24:59,790 [pager beeps, buzzes] [gasps] 125 00:24:59,790 --> 00:25:02,025 - Table's ready. 126 00:25:02,025 --> 00:25:04,795 - Boy, it sure is. 127 00:25:04,795 --> 00:25:08,999 - Kimball's hot, and she owns a snake? 128 00:25:08,999 --> 00:25:10,701 - Yes. 129 00:25:10,701 --> 00:25:12,569 See, this is what their lives are like 130 00:25:12,569 --> 00:25:14,738 if you were never born and fucked everything up! 131 00:25:14,738 --> 00:25:15,839 - No. 132 00:25:15,839 --> 00:25:17,007 No! 133 00:25:17,007 --> 00:25:18,308 Terry, don't show me any more. 134 00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:20,043 - Wait till we see Clemmy. - No! 135 00:25:20,043 --> 00:25:21,345 - And this time-- - No! 136 00:25:21,345 --> 00:25:23,914 - Brace yourself. - No. 137 00:25:23,914 --> 00:25:25,182 [vocalizing] 138 00:25:25,182 --> 00:25:27,985 - [fading out] No! 139 00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:29,553 No. 140 00:25:29,553 --> 00:25:30,587 No! 141 00:25:30,587 --> 00:25:33,156 [somber organ music] 142 00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:34,424 Terry, no! 143 00:25:34,424 --> 00:25:35,759 Not Clementine! 144 00:25:35,759 --> 00:25:36,927 - It's real! 145 00:25:36,927 --> 00:25:38,729 - She was the only photogenic one! 146 00:25:38,729 --> 00:25:41,598 And she also owes me $1,500 for spray tan sessions 147 00:25:41,598 --> 00:25:43,267 that we were going to split, and then she was like, 148 00:25:43,267 --> 00:25:44,401 I'll use half and you use half. 149 00:25:44,401 --> 00:25:45,936 No, Terry, no! 150 00:25:45,936 --> 00:25:47,037 - Yes, look at her. 151 00:25:47,037 --> 00:25:48,639 - [gasps] 152 00:25:49,473 --> 00:25:52,476 - And that's how elegant you would look in this, 153 00:25:52,476 --> 00:25:54,711 the Cadillac of all coffins. 154 00:25:54,711 --> 00:25:57,781 Did I mention it has Bluetooth in case you're buried alive 155 00:25:57,781 --> 00:25:59,516 and want to talk to someone about it, 156 00:25:59,516 --> 00:26:01,218 or listen to a podcast? 157 00:26:01,218 --> 00:26:02,452 - Hi, Clemmy! 158 00:26:02,452 --> 00:26:03,720 - She can't hear you, remember? 159 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,856 I've told you that. - Sounds expensive. 160 00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:08,692 - Maybe you've seen my brand new Suzuki Outback 161 00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:10,994 with optional roof rack outside. 162 00:26:10,994 --> 00:26:12,362 - You're rich, bitch. 163 00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:14,865 - I'm the best coffin salesman in the Sierras. 164 00:26:14,865 --> 00:26:16,333 - I know that's right. 165 00:26:16,333 --> 00:26:20,037 For some reason, all my husbands keep dying. 166 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,338 Wah, wah. 167 00:26:21,338 --> 00:26:22,839 - I'm sorry for your loss. 168 00:26:22,839 --> 00:26:25,576 [laughter] 169 00:26:26,777 --> 00:26:28,045 - Oh! 170 00:26:28,045 --> 00:26:29,880 You know what I really want to do right now? 171 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,181 - What? 172 00:26:31,181 --> 00:26:33,817 - Listen to the Chipmunks' "Greatest Hits" 173 00:26:33,817 --> 00:26:35,385 and go pee on Terry. 174 00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:38,889 - I would love to pee on Terry and listen to the Chipmunks. 175 00:26:38,889 --> 00:26:40,624 [laughter] 176 00:26:40,624 --> 00:26:43,994 - ♪ Pee on Terry and listen to the Chipmunks ♪ 177 00:26:43,994 --> 00:26:45,996 - ♪ Alvin ♪ - ♪ Simon ♪ 178 00:26:45,996 --> 00:26:47,297 - ♪ Theodore ♪ 179 00:26:47,297 --> 00:26:48,665 - ♪ I said, Alvin ♪ 180 00:26:48,665 --> 00:26:51,368 both: ♪ Simon and Theodore ♪ 181 00:26:51,368 --> 00:26:53,570 - Alvin. Simon. 182 00:26:53,570 --> 00:26:55,138 Ahh! - Urine! Urine! 183 00:26:55,138 --> 00:26:56,707 - Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! 184 00:26:56,707 --> 00:26:58,442 - What? Oh, my gosh! - Oh. Oh. 185 00:26:58,442 --> 00:26:59,943 Terry! - What? 186 00:26:59,943 --> 00:27:01,244 - Oh! 187 00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:02,412 - Where's all the pee I was promised 188 00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:03,780 by the girls with big boobs? 189 00:27:03,780 --> 00:27:05,282 - I think you were projecting all of that. 190 00:27:05,282 --> 00:27:06,450 [bell ringing] [gasps] 191 00:27:06,450 --> 00:27:07,551 I just heard a bell ringing. 192 00:27:07,551 --> 00:27:08,986 - [gasps] Oh, my gosh. 193 00:27:08,986 --> 00:27:12,055 Every time a bell rings, an angel gets a tug job. 194 00:27:12,055 --> 00:27:13,223 - From? 195 00:27:13,223 --> 00:27:15,592 - [vocalizing] 196 00:27:16,693 --> 00:27:17,861 - Not me. 197 00:27:17,861 --> 00:27:19,196 - I've been to Tug Jobs Anonymous. 198 00:27:19,196 --> 00:27:20,597 I'm in there right now. Don't tell anybody. 199 00:27:20,597 --> 00:27:21,865 - Who else is in it with you? 200 00:27:21,865 --> 00:27:24,301 - It's me and Gary Busey's mailman. 201 00:27:24,301 --> 00:27:26,103 - Terry! - God! What? 202 00:27:26,103 --> 00:27:27,237 - What day is it? 203 00:27:27,237 --> 00:27:28,538 - Oh, my God! 204 00:27:28,538 --> 00:27:29,940 It's only a couple days till Christmas! 205 00:27:29,940 --> 00:27:30,974 - [gasps] 206 00:27:30,974 --> 00:27:32,342 Then there's still time! 207 00:27:32,342 --> 00:27:34,511 - There's still time to get peed on! 208 00:27:34,511 --> 00:27:36,580 - Uh, and--and/or other things. 209 00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:38,215 - Right, but mainly peed on. - Go. 210 00:27:38,215 --> 00:27:39,449 Just go. Go, go, go, go, go, 211 00:27:39,449 --> 00:27:40,550 - Asparagus? - Go. 212 00:27:40,550 --> 00:27:41,818 - Eat asparagus. - Go. 213 00:27:41,818 --> 00:27:44,821 Merry Christmas, dirty old pervert man! 214 00:27:44,821 --> 00:27:47,057 ["The Chipmunk Song" instrumental] 215 00:27:47,057 --> 00:27:48,425 - Fuck this place. 216 00:27:49,559 --> 00:27:51,828 - Merry Christmas, Reno! 217 00:27:51,828 --> 00:27:53,797 - Merry Christmas, weed store! 218 00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:56,466 - Merry Christmas, you old dildo shop! 219 00:27:56,466 --> 00:27:58,568 - Merry Christmas, Soup on a Stick! 220 00:27:58,568 --> 00:28:01,371 - Merry Christmas, frozen dildo shop! 221 00:28:01,371 --> 00:28:03,473 - Merry Christmas, Genital Decorators! 222 00:28:03,473 --> 00:28:06,777 - Merry Christmas, paint-your-own dildo shop! 223 00:28:06,777 --> 00:28:09,413 - Merry Christmas, Animal Butt Plugs! 224 00:28:09,413 --> 00:28:15,986 ♪ ♪ 225 00:28:15,986 --> 00:28:17,220 - Terry? 226 00:28:17,220 --> 00:28:19,423 ♪ ♪ 227 00:28:19,423 --> 00:28:21,458 Were we supposed to get going, Terry? 228 00:28:21,458 --> 00:28:24,428 [festive music] 229 00:28:24,428 --> 00:28:28,231 ♪ ♪ 230 00:28:28,231 --> 00:28:29,933 - Anyway, your lives were great. 231 00:28:29,933 --> 00:28:31,668 Good morning, gang. - Good morning. 232 00:28:31,668 --> 00:28:33,036 - Good morning. - Good morning. 233 00:28:33,036 --> 00:28:34,805 - Uh, this week's briefings are brought to you 234 00:28:34,805 --> 00:28:38,608 by Fugly Nubs, the app that gets 235 00:28:38,608 --> 00:28:41,778 horrifyingly ugly yet very usable parts 236 00:28:41,778 --> 00:28:44,581 of chickens directly to you. 237 00:28:44,581 --> 00:28:46,183 - Wait, what? 238 00:28:46,183 --> 00:28:48,318 - The way you eat a chicken, it's skinned, and the pieces-- 239 00:28:48,318 --> 00:28:49,986 I've never considered them attractive. 240 00:28:49,986 --> 00:28:51,455 - Well, I'm sorry. The fine print says, 241 00:28:51,455 --> 00:28:52,789 uh, "Parts of chickens 242 00:28:52,789 --> 00:28:54,725 that aren't even usable in Mexican restaurants." 243 00:28:54,725 --> 00:28:54,751 - It sounds like this company isn't selling you 244 00:28:55,318 --> 00:28:58,254 [upbeat music] 245 00:28:58,254 --> 00:29:02,091 ♪ ♪ 246 00:29:02,091 --> 00:29:04,660 - Does everyone remember the oath that HR made us take? 247 00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:07,330 And I won't show my wiener to anybody. 248 00:29:07,330 --> 00:29:09,432 - I will not show my wiener to anybody. 249 00:29:09,432 --> 00:29:10,633 - No such thing as a penis oath. 250 00:29:10,633 --> 00:29:12,001 - What are we doing? - Oh. 251 00:29:12,001 --> 00:29:13,436 - Oh, we were just taking an oath that we wouldn't 252 00:29:13,436 --> 00:29:14,770 show people our wieners. 253 00:29:14,770 --> 00:29:15,872 - Yeah, yeah. 254 00:29:15,872 --> 00:29:17,673 - Well, we had a situation with a-- 255 00:29:17,673 --> 00:29:19,175 - Yeah, there's a chimpanzee running through the mall. 256 00:29:19,175 --> 00:29:20,476 - Chimpanzee. 257 00:29:20,476 --> 00:29:21,911 - It got into the Santa sack and, uh, 258 00:29:21,911 --> 00:29:23,146 we don't know where it is. 259 00:29:23,146 --> 00:29:24,180 - It's all part of a terrible ransom. 260 00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:25,481 - You're being chimp-sacked? 261 00:29:25,481 --> 00:29:27,416 - Not a thing. - The adult male chimpanzee 262 00:29:27,416 --> 00:29:29,886 has nine times the grip of that of a male adult. 263 00:29:29,886 --> 00:29:32,855 The secret is, you have to be a chimp 264 00:29:32,855 --> 00:29:34,557 of a higher status. 265 00:29:34,557 --> 00:29:36,259 It's a status game, mates. 266 00:29:36,259 --> 00:29:37,426 Watch and learn. 267 00:29:37,426 --> 00:29:39,328 - He's over here, behind the-- 268 00:29:39,328 --> 00:29:40,730 - He knows what he's doing. 269 00:29:40,730 --> 00:29:41,697 This is good. 270 00:29:41,697 --> 00:29:43,633 - All right, this is no good. 271 00:29:43,633 --> 00:29:45,001 You need, like, a moose or something. 272 00:29:45,001 --> 00:29:46,169 A reindeer is not big enough. 273 00:29:46,169 --> 00:29:47,770 - OK. - Not big enough. 274 00:29:47,770 --> 00:29:49,505 - Bigger chimp. - Bigger chimp. 275 00:29:49,505 --> 00:29:50,773 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Status game. 276 00:29:50,773 --> 00:29:52,475 - Oh, yes. Yeah, OK. - Come on. 277 00:29:52,475 --> 00:29:53,910 Come on, chimpie. - OK, OK. 278 00:29:53,910 --> 00:29:56,512 [chimpanzee screaming] - [screaming] 279 00:29:56,512 --> 00:29:57,780 - Oh. Oh, no, no, no. 280 00:29:57,780 --> 00:29:59,115 That sounds--that sounds bad. - Oh! 281 00:29:59,115 --> 00:30:00,283 [thumping] 282 00:30:00,283 --> 00:30:02,418 [screaming] 283 00:30:02,418 --> 00:30:03,986 - Oh, he's OK! 284 00:30:03,986 --> 00:30:06,055 - He's got a bit of fight in him, that one. 285 00:30:06,055 --> 00:30:07,590 All right, different tactic. 286 00:30:07,590 --> 00:30:09,025 I want him to think that I'm a female. 287 00:30:09,025 --> 00:30:10,159 You, you. 288 00:30:10,159 --> 00:30:11,394 I need some musk. 289 00:30:11,394 --> 00:30:13,429 This way--this way-- - OK. 290 00:30:13,429 --> 00:30:15,097 - He'll think that I'm a woman. - That works. 291 00:30:15,097 --> 00:30:16,199 That works. - Not enough. 292 00:30:16,199 --> 00:30:17,567 Not enough. - Oh! 293 00:30:17,567 --> 00:30:18,901 - You want some? Oh. 294 00:30:18,901 --> 00:30:20,036 - OK. - Hey. 295 00:30:20,036 --> 00:30:21,404 - Oh. 296 00:30:21,404 --> 00:30:22,672 - Guys, it's totally standard. - That'll do it. 297 00:30:22,672 --> 00:30:23,839 He'll like that. He'll like that. 298 00:30:23,839 --> 00:30:25,208 - OK, good. You're welcome. 299 00:30:25,208 --> 00:30:26,909 - Maybe. Santa, come here. 300 00:30:26,909 --> 00:30:28,277 - You smell like a woman. 301 00:30:28,277 --> 00:30:29,979 - It's funny, because usually when a man 302 00:30:29,979 --> 00:30:32,815 sticks his arm up my crotch, I get his name first. 303 00:30:32,815 --> 00:30:35,017 - Now it's time for the tender trap. 304 00:30:35,017 --> 00:30:36,052 - OK. 305 00:30:36,052 --> 00:30:37,520 - Godspeed. 306 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:39,155 - Oh, you go--you go, girl. 307 00:30:39,155 --> 00:30:40,590 [chimpanzee screaming] 308 00:30:40,590 --> 00:30:42,858 [glass breaking] [all yelling] 309 00:30:42,858 --> 00:30:44,460 - Not in there! Put him down. 310 00:30:44,460 --> 00:30:45,728 Put him down. 311 00:30:45,728 --> 00:30:47,330 - Is your foot in it? - Leave it, no! 312 00:30:47,330 --> 00:30:48,664 No! 313 00:30:48,664 --> 00:30:49,699 - Ahh! 314 00:30:49,699 --> 00:30:50,967 [screaming] - Oh, oh. 315 00:30:50,967 --> 00:30:52,168 - He's in-- 316 00:30:52,168 --> 00:30:53,369 - Ahh! - Oh, he's alive. 317 00:30:53,369 --> 00:30:54,470 - Oh. - He's alive. 318 00:30:54,470 --> 00:30:55,471 - I got him. 319 00:30:55,471 --> 00:30:56,906 I choked him out. 320 00:30:56,906 --> 00:30:58,107 - You choked him out. 321 00:30:58,107 --> 00:30:59,709 - [laughs] - Oh. 322 00:30:59,709 --> 00:31:02,011 - He's not going to bother you anymore. 323 00:31:02,011 --> 00:31:03,212 He's a nice fella. 324 00:31:03,212 --> 00:31:05,014 Just needed a bit of love. - Oh. 325 00:31:05,014 --> 00:31:06,482 - Thank you, brave sir. 326 00:31:06,482 --> 00:31:07,984 - You're a hero. - Brave sir. 327 00:31:07,984 --> 00:31:09,151 Oh, thank you so much. 328 00:31:09,151 --> 00:31:11,153 Your items. - Ah, wow. Wow. 329 00:31:11,153 --> 00:31:12,989 - Uh, let's--is this dumb? 330 00:31:12,989 --> 00:31:15,558 Can get a--can we get a snap with the squad? 331 00:31:15,558 --> 00:31:17,159 - Oh, yeah. That's a great idea. 332 00:31:17,159 --> 00:31:19,195 - Come on, come on. [cheering] 333 00:31:19,195 --> 00:31:20,496 - That's great. Whoops. 334 00:31:20,496 --> 00:31:21,964 Can everybody go, "whoops"? That's great. 335 00:31:21,964 --> 00:31:23,132 [chimpanzee screaming] 336 00:31:23,132 --> 00:31:24,333 [screaming] 337 00:31:24,333 --> 00:31:25,434 [tranquilizer gun fires] 338 00:31:25,434 --> 00:31:27,003 - Hey, hey, hey! - Oh! 339 00:31:27,003 --> 00:31:28,237 - Oh, you got him, Jim! 340 00:31:28,237 --> 00:31:29,839 - I'm OK! 341 00:31:29,839 --> 00:31:31,741 [cheering] 342 00:31:31,741 --> 00:31:33,509 - It's a Christmas miracle! 343 00:31:33,509 --> 00:31:34,610 - Let's get the photo. 344 00:31:34,610 --> 00:31:36,145 Season's greetings! 345 00:31:36,145 --> 00:31:38,914 all: Season's greetings. 346 00:31:38,914 --> 00:31:41,217 - Only three days left to Christmas. 347 00:31:41,217 --> 00:31:42,752 Bargains are abound. 348 00:31:42,752 --> 00:31:45,221 - Does anybody want an Ice N Tasty? 349 00:31:45,221 --> 00:31:46,656 No, I need one to put on-- 350 00:31:46,656 --> 00:31:48,057 to ice my tasties. - Morning, officers. 351 00:31:48,057 --> 00:31:49,292 Morning, morning. 352 00:31:49,292 --> 00:31:50,326 - Well, hello there. - Good morning. 353 00:31:50,326 --> 00:31:51,627 - Thank you for your service. 354 00:31:51,627 --> 00:31:53,195 We saw what you got up to this morning. 355 00:31:53,195 --> 00:31:55,097 - Oh, yeah. We got, uh--uh-- 356 00:31:55,097 --> 00:31:56,499 - Chimp--you got chimp-sacked. 357 00:31:56,499 --> 00:31:58,100 - We got chimp-sacked. - We sure did. 358 00:31:58,100 --> 00:31:59,368 - My name is Gunner. 359 00:31:59,368 --> 00:32:01,437 - And my name is Ronnie Donald Ceviche. 360 00:32:01,437 --> 00:32:02,638 - And I am Hold 'Em. 361 00:32:02,638 --> 00:32:04,040 - And I am Fold 'Em. 362 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:05,608 - Yeah. We are the current stewards 363 00:32:05,608 --> 00:32:08,611 of the Kenny Rogers' Life Exhibit. 364 00:32:08,611 --> 00:32:12,114 - Is this some kind of traveling Kenny Rogers museum? 365 00:32:12,114 --> 00:32:13,582 - Some kind? 366 00:32:13,582 --> 00:32:17,520 This is the traveling Kenny Rogers museum. 367 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:18,788 - We're talking too much. 368 00:32:18,788 --> 00:32:20,456 It's almost time to start our show. 369 00:32:20,456 --> 00:32:22,625 - Oh, oh, oh! - And... 370 00:32:22,625 --> 00:32:23,993 [Kenny Rogers' "Let it Snow"] 371 00:32:23,993 --> 00:32:27,063 - Born 21 August, 1938, Kenneth Donald Rogers, 372 00:32:27,063 --> 00:32:29,098 known to his family as Kenneth Ray, 373 00:32:29,098 --> 00:32:31,734 went on to be nominated 19 times for a Grammy 374 00:32:31,734 --> 00:32:35,638 and sold over 121 million records worldwide. 375 00:32:35,638 --> 00:32:38,441 - This is the exact size Kenny was 376 00:32:38,441 --> 00:32:40,009 when he was this size. 377 00:32:40,009 --> 00:32:42,144 - Child-size Kenny. - It looks just like him. 378 00:32:42,144 --> 00:32:43,746 It looks just like him. 379 00:32:43,746 --> 00:32:46,282 - And he grew up in poverty, surrounded by rats. 380 00:32:46,282 --> 00:32:47,783 - No. That's not a rat, sir. 381 00:32:47,783 --> 00:32:50,586 That is a nine-banded Texas armadillo. 382 00:32:50,586 --> 00:32:51,754 The Texas tank. 383 00:32:51,754 --> 00:32:53,322 - Well, this was amazing. 384 00:32:53,322 --> 00:32:54,490 I wish there was more to see. 385 00:32:54,490 --> 00:32:56,025 Oh--oh, there is more! 386 00:32:56,025 --> 00:32:57,360 Oh, wow. 387 00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:59,528 Oh, whoa! - Whoa! 388 00:32:59,528 --> 00:33:03,032 - Kenny Rogers stood at least 6 feet tall. 389 00:33:03,032 --> 00:33:05,568 Rumor is, he never looked down on any man, 390 00:33:05,568 --> 00:33:07,603 but every man looked up to him. 391 00:33:07,603 --> 00:33:09,004 - Look, look. 392 00:33:09,004 --> 00:33:11,140 I'm big enough that if you skinned me, 393 00:33:11,140 --> 00:33:12,675 Kenny Rogers could wear me. 394 00:33:12,675 --> 00:33:14,076 - Your brain works weird. 395 00:33:14,076 --> 00:33:15,111 I like it. 396 00:33:16,445 --> 00:33:18,647 - [laughs] 397 00:33:18,647 --> 00:33:22,351 - This has all of Kenny's songs in Japanese? 398 00:33:22,351 --> 00:33:23,953 - Yep. All of them. 399 00:33:23,953 --> 00:33:24,854 - Why? 400 00:33:24,854 --> 00:33:28,023 [upbeat country music] 401 00:33:28,023 --> 00:33:32,128 ♪ ♪ 402 00:33:32,128 --> 00:33:34,897 - Is this a suit that he wore? - Well, this-- 403 00:33:34,897 --> 00:33:36,332 just like everything you're about to see-- 404 00:33:36,332 --> 00:33:39,101 is something that Kenny actually wore himself 405 00:33:39,101 --> 00:33:42,671 or is a pretty accurate just this side of replica. 406 00:33:42,671 --> 00:33:45,474 - This is a replica that Kenny would have worn, 407 00:33:45,474 --> 00:33:47,810 had Kenny worn a replica like this one. 408 00:33:47,810 --> 00:33:49,645 - It would have been this one. - That's right. 409 00:33:49,645 --> 00:33:56,786 ♪ ♪ 410 00:34:12,501 --> 00:34:14,136 - Kenny grew up really poor. 411 00:34:14,136 --> 00:34:17,339 He couldn't afford a kitty, so he had a baby goat. 412 00:34:17,339 --> 00:34:19,642 They nicknamed him Smitty. 413 00:34:19,642 --> 00:34:21,343 - This goat feels like hard plastic. 414 00:34:21,343 --> 00:34:22,812 Is that what that is? - It is. 415 00:34:22,812 --> 00:34:24,346 - That's what that is. This is not even a real goat? 416 00:34:24,346 --> 00:34:25,981 - I mean, it's a goat in there, but we lacquered it. 417 00:34:25,981 --> 00:34:27,483 And then after a while it started to delaminate, so-- 418 00:34:27,483 --> 00:34:28,851 - Magnificent. 419 00:34:28,851 --> 00:34:30,553 - Also just a test of, could we laminate a goat? 420 00:34:30,553 --> 00:34:31,854 - Yeah. 421 00:34:31,854 --> 00:34:33,622 - Well, you never know until you try. 422 00:34:33,622 --> 00:34:36,158 ♪ ♪ 423 00:34:36,158 --> 00:34:37,860 - OK. 424 00:34:37,860 --> 00:34:38,727 Hi. 425 00:34:38,727 --> 00:34:39,829 I don't see anybody. 426 00:34:39,829 --> 00:34:41,230 Let's do this quick. [grunts] 427 00:34:41,230 --> 00:34:43,199 - OK. - Ready? 428 00:34:43,199 --> 00:34:45,901 both: One, two, three. 429 00:34:45,901 --> 00:34:47,703 - [grunts] 430 00:34:47,703 --> 00:34:48,938 [both sigh] 431 00:34:48,938 --> 00:34:50,940 - All right. So the plan is, we call-- 432 00:34:50,940 --> 00:34:52,541 we call animal control. - Right. 433 00:34:52,541 --> 00:34:53,542 - And they come pick this thing up. 434 00:34:53,542 --> 00:34:54,477 - Yeah. - Right? 435 00:34:54,477 --> 00:34:55,811 - Yeah. 436 00:34:55,811 --> 00:34:57,213 - And it has a very happy life somewhere 437 00:34:57,213 --> 00:34:58,614 in some--in something that looks like 438 00:34:58,614 --> 00:35:00,015 a Tarzan set, right? 439 00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:01,984 - Or--or we leave it here, and it just can run free. 440 00:35:01,984 --> 00:35:03,285 - That's right. You know, it's like a jungle. 441 00:35:03,285 --> 00:35:04,553 It's like a concrete jungle. 442 00:35:04,553 --> 00:35:06,188 We're releasing the monkey in the concrete-- 443 00:35:06,188 --> 00:35:07,923 - Hello? - Hello? 444 00:35:07,923 --> 00:35:08,891 - Hello? 445 00:35:08,891 --> 00:35:10,459 - Oh! - Oh, my God. 446 00:35:10,459 --> 00:35:11,727 Oh, my-- - [groans] 447 00:35:11,727 --> 00:35:13,062 - Hey! - Keith! 448 00:35:13,062 --> 00:35:14,630 - Hey, man. - Where am I? 449 00:35:14,630 --> 00:35:15,798 - What are you doing in that sack? 450 00:35:15,798 --> 00:35:17,466 - What am I doing in that sack? 451 00:35:17,466 --> 00:35:18,501 - We got-- what's he doing here? 452 00:35:18,501 --> 00:35:20,035 - Did you guys tranq me? 453 00:35:20,035 --> 00:35:22,071 - Wait, if you're here, then-- 454 00:35:22,071 --> 00:35:24,106 - Who'd we drop at the strip club? 455 00:35:24,106 --> 00:35:26,976 [chimpanzee screaming in distance] 456 00:35:26,976 --> 00:35:28,444 - You can take me to the strip club. 457 00:35:28,444 --> 00:35:29,612 - No, no, no. You stay here. 458 00:35:29,612 --> 00:35:30,613 We should go. We'll check it out. 459 00:35:30,613 --> 00:35:31,580 - Yeah. - We should go. 460 00:35:31,580 --> 00:35:32,781 - I got to go home! 461 00:35:32,781 --> 00:35:34,350 I know my wife's worried sick! 462 00:35:34,350 --> 00:35:35,551 She's bigger than me! 463 00:35:35,551 --> 00:35:38,320 [siren blaring] 464 00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:41,290 - Is this what I think this is? 465 00:35:41,290 --> 00:35:45,494 - If you think this is Kenny Rogers' bones, 466 00:35:45,494 --> 00:35:47,396 it absolutely is. 467 00:35:47,396 --> 00:35:49,098 - Please no flash photography. 468 00:35:49,098 --> 00:35:51,634 [all gasping] 469 00:35:51,634 --> 00:35:53,335 I can only keep it open in little spurts, 470 00:35:53,335 --> 00:35:54,436 much like a Caravaggio. 471 00:35:54,436 --> 00:35:56,305 - Three, two, one. 472 00:35:56,305 --> 00:35:57,606 - Oh, whoa. 473 00:35:57,606 --> 00:36:00,976 - We just saw Kenny Rogers' bones. 474 00:36:00,976 --> 00:36:02,645 - That is possible, yes. - Yes. 475 00:36:02,645 --> 00:36:03,846 - Can I--should we all switch? 476 00:36:03,846 --> 00:36:05,080 I would love to see the bottom. 477 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:06,315 - Oh, yeah, please see the bottom. 478 00:36:06,315 --> 00:36:10,252 Kenny Rogers' bones. 479 00:36:10,252 --> 00:36:11,453 [gasping] 480 00:36:11,453 --> 00:36:12,621 - Please no flash photography. - [gasps] 481 00:36:12,621 --> 00:36:13,756 This side is even better. 482 00:36:13,756 --> 00:36:15,057 - The bottom side is incredible. 483 00:36:15,057 --> 00:36:17,593 - His voice resonated inside that skull. 484 00:36:17,593 --> 00:36:19,662 - There's still cards in his hand. 485 00:36:19,662 --> 00:36:21,263 - Wow. - Yeah. 486 00:36:21,263 --> 00:36:23,499 The kind of cards Kenny Rogers would have held in his hands, 487 00:36:23,499 --> 00:36:25,100 had he died lying down. 488 00:36:25,100 --> 00:36:26,435 - Amazing. 489 00:36:26,435 --> 00:36:28,771 - I will say, having just seen his wingspan, 490 00:36:28,771 --> 00:36:31,140 this is the full-size Kenny? 491 00:36:31,140 --> 00:36:33,208 - We should admit that we do have the same parent company 492 00:36:33,208 --> 00:36:34,910 as the Body World show. - Oh. 493 00:36:34,910 --> 00:36:36,478 - Remember that? - OK. 494 00:36:36,478 --> 00:36:38,013 - Was that, like, the muscle dudes that played volleyball? 495 00:36:38,013 --> 00:36:39,248 - Yeah. - Exactly. 496 00:36:39,248 --> 00:36:40,849 - So there is some cross-pollination where, 497 00:36:40,849 --> 00:36:42,351 you know, well, we share a warehouse. 498 00:36:42,351 --> 00:36:43,719 - Sure, of course. 499 00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:44,920 - Let's not tug each other's nuts right here. 500 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:46,322 They may not be Kenny Rogers' bones, 501 00:36:46,322 --> 00:36:48,457 but they remain bones, mostly human bones. 502 00:36:48,457 --> 00:36:50,159 - Let's not tug our own nuts. 503 00:36:50,159 --> 00:36:51,560 - No. 504 00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:54,496 - Let's not allow anyone walking by to get a nut tug. 505 00:36:54,496 --> 00:36:56,131 Bones. - Human bones. 506 00:36:56,131 --> 00:36:57,633 - Kenny Rogers had them. - In the shape-- 507 00:36:57,633 --> 00:36:59,234 in the shape of Kenny Rogers. 508 00:36:59,234 --> 00:37:00,402 You know what? I'd kind of like to see 509 00:37:00,402 --> 00:37:01,770 the top half again, would that be OK? 510 00:37:01,770 --> 00:37:03,439 - Oh, yeah. Please. Please take your time. 511 00:37:03,439 --> 00:37:06,141 - You said pièce de résistance two or three times. 512 00:37:06,141 --> 00:37:07,376 - Yeah. 513 00:37:07,376 --> 00:37:10,446 - This is clearly the pièce de résistance. 514 00:37:10,446 --> 00:37:12,014 This has been wonderful. 515 00:37:12,014 --> 00:37:13,515 We'll just come by anytime, and you guys can show these? 516 00:37:13,515 --> 00:37:15,751 - Any time you got $38, you can come right on by here. 517 00:37:15,751 --> 00:37:17,052 - Again. - Wow. 518 00:37:17,052 --> 00:37:19,855 [sleigh bells jingling] ["Ode to Joy"] 519 00:37:19,855 --> 00:37:21,256 ♪ ♪ 520 00:39:29,685 --> 00:39:30,819 - ♪ Oh, the little Junior Deputies ♪ 521 00:39:30,819 --> 00:39:31,920 ♪ They came up to your knee ♪ 522 00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:32,988 ♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪ 523 00:39:32,988 --> 00:39:34,990 ♪ Take a look-y and see ♪ 524 00:39:34,990 --> 00:39:38,460 - It's Christmas, and the Reno Junior Deputies program 525 00:39:38,460 --> 00:39:41,130 has never needed your funds more than right now. 526 00:39:41,130 --> 00:39:43,799 Every year y'all have been leaving babies for us, 527 00:39:43,799 --> 00:39:45,567 like some kind of backwards Grinch 528 00:39:45,567 --> 00:39:47,336 who never heard about rubbers. 529 00:39:47,336 --> 00:39:49,872 Well, meet my little friend Freckles here. 530 00:39:49,872 --> 00:39:53,275 After 20 Christmases spent in the Reno Sheriff's Department, 531 00:39:53,275 --> 00:39:55,577 this is little Freckles now. 532 00:39:57,146 --> 00:39:58,313 Good girl, Freckles. 533 00:39:58,313 --> 00:39:59,448 - I drank poison. 534 00:39:59,448 --> 00:40:00,783 - No, you didn't. - Just kidding. 535 00:40:00,783 --> 00:40:01,984 No, I didn't. 536 00:40:01,984 --> 00:40:03,452 'Cause I can't, 'cause I'm pregnant. 537 00:40:03,452 --> 00:40:05,988 - Freckles, so help me God, just say happy holidays 538 00:40:05,988 --> 00:40:07,523 from the Junior Sheriff's Department, 539 00:40:07,523 --> 00:40:09,358 or I'll smack the shit out of you. 540 00:40:09,358 --> 00:40:11,059 - I want you to. 541 00:40:11,059 --> 00:40:12,361 Kill me! - Stop! 542 00:40:12,361 --> 00:40:13,529 - Kill me! - Stop asking me to kill you! 543 00:40:13,529 --> 00:40:14,830 - Fucking kill me! 544 00:40:14,830 --> 00:40:15,931 - I am not going to kill you, you little-- 545 00:40:15,931 --> 00:40:17,366 - Suck my dick! 546 00:40:17,366 --> 00:40:18,333 - ♪ Oh, the little Junior Deputies ♪ 547 00:40:18,333 --> 00:40:19,701 ♪ Were only just cubs ♪ 548 00:40:19,701 --> 00:40:21,236 ♪ But now they're men and women ♪ 549 00:40:21,236 --> 00:40:22,805 ♪ Kind of like us ♪ 550 00:40:22,805 --> 00:40:25,874 [sleigh bells jingling] [upbeat music] 551 00:40:25,874 --> 00:40:29,244 ♪ ♪ 552 00:40:31,513 --> 00:40:33,382 - We've been here since 4:00 a.m. this morning, 553 00:40:33,382 --> 00:40:35,083 and it has been my privilege to introduce 554 00:40:35,083 --> 00:40:39,555 the Reno Sheriff's Department to actual police procedure. 555 00:40:39,555 --> 00:40:42,658 Now, I have asked Jones and Cindy to join me today. 556 00:40:42,658 --> 00:40:46,662 Mr. Richnickie of the Sierra Nugget Mall has 557 00:40:46,662 --> 00:40:48,096 had some threatening letters sent to him 558 00:40:48,096 --> 00:40:50,365 saying they're going to steal his silver nugget. 559 00:40:50,365 --> 00:40:54,670 So I have started what we call a string board. 560 00:40:54,670 --> 00:40:56,805 This is how all great crime is solved. 561 00:40:56,805 --> 00:41:00,175 What we're going to do is find possible connections 562 00:41:00,175 --> 00:41:02,544 to the potential theft of the silver nugget, 563 00:41:02,544 --> 00:41:04,713 so if it gets stolen, 564 00:41:04,713 --> 00:41:06,682 and if we figure out who stole it, 565 00:41:06,682 --> 00:41:09,151 perhaps we connect it to something 566 00:41:09,151 --> 00:41:10,786 that fucking matters. 567 00:41:10,786 --> 00:41:12,788 We got OJ. 568 00:41:12,788 --> 00:41:14,289 I don't want to get into it again. 569 00:41:14,289 --> 00:41:16,258 Who did this? What's this? 570 00:41:16,258 --> 00:41:19,228 - That's a coconut nut cluster wrapper I put up there. 571 00:41:19,228 --> 00:41:20,329 That--maybe a wrapper-- 572 00:41:20,329 --> 00:41:21,463 - What's the connection? 573 00:41:21,463 --> 00:41:24,066 - Maybe--maybe a wrapper did it. 574 00:41:24,066 --> 00:41:26,602 - You're just saying what you think I want to hear. 575 00:41:26,602 --> 00:41:27,769 - Hi. - Hey. 576 00:41:27,769 --> 00:41:28,871 - Hey, Riz. - Hey. 577 00:41:28,871 --> 00:41:30,272 What's up? - Sorry I'm late. 578 00:41:30,272 --> 00:41:32,541 - Oh, you here to work on it? 579 00:41:32,541 --> 00:41:34,142 - You just told me to show up here. 580 00:41:34,142 --> 00:41:35,510 - You know who could be guilty? 581 00:41:35,510 --> 00:41:37,279 - Oh, good. Yes. Who? 582 00:41:37,279 --> 00:41:40,315 - In Reno, almost... 583 00:41:40,315 --> 00:41:41,917 everyone. 584 00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:43,752 - All right. No. 585 00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:46,455 [sleigh bells jingling] [gentle music] 586 00:41:46,455 --> 00:41:47,990 - Oh, no. - Oh, Lord. 587 00:41:47,990 --> 00:41:50,092 - Merry Christmas! - Yep. It's Big Mike. 588 00:41:50,092 --> 00:41:51,526 - Is he huffing on them fumes? 589 00:41:51,526 --> 00:41:53,462 Sheriff's Department, Mike. 590 00:41:53,462 --> 00:41:54,496 He's got a flocker. - He's got a flocker. 591 00:41:54,496 --> 00:41:55,731 - Got a flocker. 592 00:41:55,731 --> 00:41:57,366 Mike, put that flocking gun down. 593 00:41:57,366 --> 00:41:59,434 - [gibberish] 594 00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:00,903 - Whoa! Mike! Hey! [flocker sprays] 595 00:42:00,903 --> 00:42:02,371 Whoa! Hey! Hey! 596 00:42:02,371 --> 00:42:04,039 Hey. Stop it! 597 00:42:04,039 --> 00:42:05,307 Don't--have you been huffing that? 598 00:42:05,307 --> 00:42:06,475 - Everyone is so-- - You can't-- 599 00:42:06,475 --> 00:42:07,643 Mike, don't huff that. Don't huff that. 600 00:42:07,643 --> 00:42:09,845 - Mike, that's bad for your health. 601 00:42:09,845 --> 00:42:11,980 - [groaning] 602 00:42:11,980 --> 00:42:13,548 I'm a monster! 603 00:42:13,548 --> 00:42:14,917 Right. - Mike, stop it. 604 00:42:14,917 --> 00:42:16,251 - Mike, stop. - Mike, stop it! 605 00:42:16,251 --> 00:42:17,753 Stop it! Stop it! 606 00:42:17,753 --> 00:42:19,454 - What is that stuff? - Hey, I'll flock you-- 607 00:42:19,454 --> 00:42:20,555 I'll flock you up. 608 00:42:20,555 --> 00:42:21,757 - I'm fucking--do it. 609 00:42:21,757 --> 00:42:23,058 Give me--give me one. 610 00:42:23,058 --> 00:42:25,127 Give him the snowball. 611 00:42:25,127 --> 00:42:26,528 Here you go. - Hey! 612 00:42:26,528 --> 00:42:29,798 - Guess what kind of call we got on the telephone. 613 00:42:29,798 --> 00:42:31,433 - Man partying in a parking lot? 614 00:42:31,433 --> 00:42:32,501 - No. - No. 615 00:42:32,501 --> 00:42:34,036 - Man having a sale? 616 00:42:34,036 --> 00:42:37,673 Man selling flocked Halloween ornaments 617 00:42:37,673 --> 00:42:39,241 at discount price? 618 00:42:39,241 --> 00:42:41,376 - This is definitely all the stuff that got stolen 619 00:42:41,376 --> 00:42:43,211 from the Halloween stuff. - Oh, yeah, 100%. 620 00:42:43,211 --> 00:42:45,080 I recognize that spider 'cause I wanted it, 621 00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:47,082 and it was $64. - Well, how much is it now? 622 00:42:47,082 --> 00:42:48,317 Hey, Mike? 623 00:42:48,317 --> 00:42:49,418 - Mike, how much is the spider? 624 00:42:49,418 --> 00:42:52,220 - 21.99 for the spider. 625 00:42:52,220 --> 00:42:53,322 - Really? 626 00:42:53,322 --> 00:42:54,623 For the whole spider? 627 00:42:54,623 --> 00:42:56,425 - Think up on top of your Christmas tree. 628 00:42:56,425 --> 00:42:58,093 That sounds like a pretty good idea. 629 00:42:58,093 --> 00:43:00,028 21.99 for me. 630 00:43:00,028 --> 00:43:01,663 - Mike, what happened to that vehicle over there? 631 00:43:01,663 --> 00:43:03,365 - That's my race car. 632 00:43:03,365 --> 00:43:04,800 - Is that your vehicle? - Yes. 633 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:06,034 - And the paperwork would be in it 634 00:43:06,034 --> 00:43:07,336 that would show that this belongs 635 00:43:07,336 --> 00:43:08,870 to Big Mike, and not Brenda? 636 00:43:08,870 --> 00:43:10,706 Wait a minute. Did Brenda help you 637 00:43:10,706 --> 00:43:12,507 steal everything from the Halloween stuff, 638 00:43:12,507 --> 00:43:14,109 and--stop it, Mike! Mike. 639 00:43:14,109 --> 00:43:15,077 Mike. Mike. Mike. 640 00:43:15,077 --> 00:43:16,311 Stop it. 641 00:43:16,311 --> 00:43:17,879 - Is Brenda dead in the trunk? 642 00:43:17,879 --> 00:43:21,583 - Brenda was called to serve the Lord. 643 00:43:21,583 --> 00:43:24,152 That's why she moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas. 644 00:43:24,152 --> 00:43:25,487 To serve the Lord. - She was not with you 645 00:43:25,487 --> 00:43:27,055 when you robbed the Halloween store? 646 00:43:27,055 --> 00:43:29,124 - No! Absolutely not! 647 00:43:29,124 --> 00:43:31,526 - I've met Brenda, and she's a godless troll. 648 00:43:31,526 --> 00:43:32,761 - Well, that's what happened. 649 00:43:32,761 --> 00:43:34,029 See, those make the best preachers. 650 00:43:34,029 --> 00:43:36,331 The ones that start out as whores 651 00:43:36,331 --> 00:43:38,500 and drug dealers and pedophiles 652 00:43:38,500 --> 00:43:41,203 and ass-rapers and dick smokers, 653 00:43:41,203 --> 00:43:42,471 and then they go, 654 00:43:42,471 --> 00:43:44,072 I'm dub--done with my dicks. 655 00:43:44,072 --> 00:43:46,375 I'm going up there for the Lord. 656 00:43:46,375 --> 00:43:47,709 And she has a kennel-- 657 00:43:47,709 --> 00:43:48,944 - I'm going to need to check that vehicle. 658 00:43:48,944 --> 00:43:50,779 - She has--no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 659 00:43:50,779 --> 00:43:52,314 You don't got to check that kennel. 660 00:43:52,314 --> 00:43:53,648 - I'm happy for her, actually. 661 00:43:53,648 --> 00:43:56,318 - She's doing so well. 662 00:43:56,318 --> 00:43:59,287 [flies buzzing] 663 00:43:59,287 --> 00:44:00,522 - Well. 664 00:44:00,522 --> 00:44:01,623 - Found her. 665 00:44:01,623 --> 00:44:02,891 - Yeah, Brenda's in there. 666 00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:04,159 - Let's go, Mike. - All right. 667 00:44:04,159 --> 00:44:05,360 - Good Lord. 668 00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:06,795 - I'm going to throw up real quick. 669 00:44:06,795 --> 00:44:07,896 - Do you think we have time to stop 670 00:44:07,896 --> 00:44:09,297 by the Thanksgiving store? 671 00:44:09,297 --> 00:44:10,399 - Absolutely. 672 00:44:10,399 --> 00:44:13,301 [up-tempo rock music] 673 00:44:13,301 --> 00:44:14,569 ♪ ♪ 674 00:44:14,569 --> 00:44:15,804 - OK. 675 00:44:15,804 --> 00:44:17,339 We've been here for about nine hours 676 00:44:17,339 --> 00:44:20,776 working on the string board, and we are making progress. 677 00:44:20,776 --> 00:44:22,911 Uh, guys, you want to run through 678 00:44:22,911 --> 00:44:24,646 what we've excluded so far? 679 00:44:24,646 --> 00:44:26,615 - Jesus, DEVO, OJ, 680 00:44:26,615 --> 00:44:28,583 Mark Fuhrman, the Black Dahlia. 681 00:44:28,583 --> 00:44:31,353 We also--remember, we found out that's not 682 00:44:31,353 --> 00:44:33,488 a--that's not a microchip. 683 00:44:33,488 --> 00:44:34,623 It's seaweed. 684 00:44:34,623 --> 00:44:36,224 - I knew that going in. 685 00:44:36,224 --> 00:44:39,594 But we have eliminated some of these possibilities. 686 00:44:39,594 --> 00:44:42,064 - It's come to my attention, uh, 687 00:44:42,064 --> 00:44:43,899 that I think we have not been looking 688 00:44:43,899 --> 00:44:46,935 at--where there's smoke, there's sometimes fire. 689 00:44:46,935 --> 00:44:50,572 And I know everyone said they don't know Mr. Richnickie, 690 00:44:50,572 --> 00:44:52,274 is that correct? 691 00:44:52,274 --> 00:44:53,842 - Yeah. - Mm. 692 00:44:53,842 --> 00:44:56,545 - I mean, you know him, because Reno's not a big town. 693 00:44:56,545 --> 00:44:57,679 I mean, I know him. - Not a big town. 694 00:44:57,679 --> 00:44:59,047 - I wouldn't say that. 695 00:44:59,047 --> 00:45:00,482 - Jim, I will say we're on the same bowling team. 696 00:45:00,482 --> 00:45:01,516 - You're on the same bowling team. 697 00:45:01,516 --> 00:45:02,884 It's right there. 698 00:45:02,884 --> 00:45:06,655 - So you obviously know that Richnickie and I 699 00:45:06,655 --> 00:45:09,424 own a balance beam and jump rope play place, 700 00:45:09,424 --> 00:45:11,526 which is not thriving. 701 00:45:11,526 --> 00:45:14,129 And, um--so what? 702 00:45:14,129 --> 00:45:15,330 I know him. 703 00:45:15,330 --> 00:45:16,798 And I have a small business with him. 704 00:45:16,798 --> 00:45:18,266 And he owes me some money. 705 00:45:18,266 --> 00:45:19,734 - We were in a band. 706 00:45:19,734 --> 00:45:23,305 - We dated the same woman for... 707 00:45:23,305 --> 00:45:24,739 a little while. 708 00:45:24,739 --> 00:45:26,741 - And that woman was my mother. 709 00:45:26,741 --> 00:45:29,144 - And the, uh, third investor 710 00:45:29,144 --> 00:45:32,180 in my balance beam and jump rope business. 711 00:45:32,180 --> 00:45:34,616 To be clear, I think what interested her 712 00:45:34,616 --> 00:45:37,819 is the low overhead and the small initial investment. 713 00:45:37,819 --> 00:45:39,421 It is a great idea. 714 00:45:39,421 --> 00:45:42,624 - Then why do you need so much money from other people? 715 00:45:42,624 --> 00:45:44,059 - Because I'm generous. 716 00:45:44,059 --> 00:45:45,594 - We should take all these guys down-- 717 00:45:45,594 --> 00:45:47,062 - Oh--oh, I don't know about that! 718 00:45:47,062 --> 00:45:48,497 - And put up all of us. - No, no, no, no, no. 719 00:45:48,497 --> 00:45:50,132 This is-- - Declan! 720 00:45:50,132 --> 00:45:51,633 - Like, even as a background-- - Holy shit. 721 00:45:51,633 --> 00:45:52,868 Guys, guys, guys. Sorry. 722 00:45:52,868 --> 00:45:54,236 I think I found a clue. 723 00:45:54,236 --> 00:45:55,770 Listen, I don't know if it has something to do 724 00:45:55,770 --> 00:45:57,105 with these notes or not, but I found this 725 00:45:57,105 --> 00:45:58,874 in the parking lot and I think it's a clue. 726 00:45:58,874 --> 00:46:00,842 Pig in a jar! - Yes, it's a clue! 727 00:46:00,842 --> 00:46:02,511 We don't get this every day. It's a clue. 728 00:46:02,511 --> 00:46:04,412 - It's not just a clue. 729 00:46:04,412 --> 00:46:05,881 It's also a warning. 730 00:46:05,881 --> 00:46:07,649 How many pigs are there supposed to be in the story? 731 00:46:07,649 --> 00:46:09,684 - Three. - How many aren't here? 732 00:46:09,684 --> 00:46:11,086 - Two. 733 00:46:11,086 --> 00:46:13,588 - Someone who should be an ally is, in fact-- 734 00:46:13,588 --> 00:46:15,023 - Someone with two faces. 735 00:46:15,023 --> 00:46:16,558 - Someone-- - A two-faced pig 736 00:46:16,558 --> 00:46:17,826 is betraying the other two pigs. 737 00:46:17,826 --> 00:46:19,094 - And a piggy-- where does piggy go? 738 00:46:19,094 --> 00:46:20,629 Where does the piggy go? - The market. 739 00:46:20,629 --> 00:46:21,763 - Went to the market! 740 00:46:21,763 --> 00:46:24,166 - Guys, what do people call us? 741 00:46:24,166 --> 00:46:25,367 Pigs. 742 00:46:25,367 --> 00:46:27,369 We need to go to the market. 743 00:46:27,369 --> 00:46:30,539 - These little piggies go to market. 744 00:46:30,539 --> 00:46:32,374 - I cracked it! I grassed it. 745 00:46:32,374 --> 00:46:33,708 - Fantastic. 746 00:46:33,708 --> 00:46:35,177 You're undercover, we're all-- - Hey, guys? 747 00:46:35,177 --> 00:46:36,511 - Yeah. - The board works. 748 00:46:36,511 --> 00:46:37,512 - The board did work. 749 00:46:37,512 --> 00:46:39,047 - There it is! 750 00:46:39,047 --> 00:46:41,483 What are you guys doing messing with my face soup? 751 00:46:41,483 --> 00:46:43,718 I put it outside 'cause it needs to cook in the sun, 752 00:46:43,718 --> 00:46:44,986 like sun tea. 753 00:46:44,986 --> 00:46:46,354 That's why I left it in the parking lot. 754 00:46:46,354 --> 00:46:47,956 - So this is not a clue that we're supposed 755 00:46:47,956 --> 00:46:49,724 to go down to the market? - No! 756 00:46:49,724 --> 00:46:51,760 White people, always taking your stuff. 757 00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:53,028 - Yes. - Am I right? 758 00:46:53,028 --> 00:46:54,229 [interposing voices] - Yes, they do. 759 00:46:54,229 --> 00:46:55,830 Yes, they do. - Face soup. 760 00:46:55,830 --> 00:46:56,965 - Face soup. 761 00:46:56,965 --> 00:46:58,767 - Face soup. - You know what? 762 00:46:58,767 --> 00:46:59,968 Now that I think about it, I've seen your ads 763 00:46:59,968 --> 00:47:01,436 for it on Facebook. - Yeah. 764 00:47:01,436 --> 00:47:02,671 [sniffs] 765 00:47:02,671 --> 00:47:03,972 - Ooh. - Just a weird odor. 766 00:47:03,972 --> 00:47:05,740 - I like it. Oh, I like it. 767 00:47:05,740 --> 00:47:06,775 - Oh, that feels good. 768 00:47:06,775 --> 00:47:08,043 - Ugh! 769 00:47:08,043 --> 00:47:09,411 It's-- it burns the back of my throat. 770 00:47:09,411 --> 00:47:10,745 My whole mouth is cold. 771 00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:11,913 - I mean, it's got a nose-- there's a little 772 00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:13,481 bit of nose in mine. 773 00:47:13,481 --> 00:47:15,450 ♪ ♪ 774 00:47:15,450 --> 00:47:19,854 - It's another beautiful day at the Sierra Nugget Mall. 775 00:47:21,256 --> 00:47:22,324 - Thank you, ma'am. 776 00:47:22,324 --> 00:47:23,358 Tell your friends who have money 777 00:47:23,358 --> 00:47:25,260 to come back and see us. - Yes. 778 00:47:25,260 --> 00:47:26,728 - Kenny Rogers! 779 00:47:26,728 --> 00:47:27,896 - Kenny Rogers. - Hello. 780 00:47:27,896 --> 00:47:29,631 Right this way, go ahead. - Hello. 781 00:47:29,631 --> 00:47:31,132 - Sheriff's Department. - Hey. 782 00:47:31,132 --> 00:47:32,801 Guess who is back. - Ugh. 783 00:47:32,801 --> 00:47:33,835 - Ugh, son of a bitch. 784 00:47:33,835 --> 00:47:35,036 - Come on, man. 785 00:47:35,036 --> 00:47:36,538 I saw them. They came through. 786 00:47:36,538 --> 00:47:37,806 - Hola! 787 00:47:37,806 --> 00:47:39,040 - Past the dino, and-- - Donde esta? 788 00:47:39,040 --> 00:47:40,242 - Come out, come out. Hello. 789 00:47:40,242 --> 00:47:41,876 - Donde esta? Hello. 790 00:47:41,876 --> 00:47:43,411 - You never know where she's going to be. 791 00:47:43,411 --> 00:47:44,779 - All right. - Hello? 792 00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:47,582 - Ahh! [all screaming] 793 00:47:47,582 --> 00:47:48,984 - How y'all doing? 794 00:47:48,984 --> 00:47:50,585 [screaming] - Nope, nope. 795 00:47:50,585 --> 00:47:51,853 Be a lady. Come on, now. 796 00:47:51,853 --> 00:47:53,154 - Get away from me, ghost! 797 00:47:53,154 --> 00:47:54,489 - No, no--give me that leg. 798 00:47:54,489 --> 00:47:55,523 - T.T.! 799 00:47:55,523 --> 00:47:57,659 [screaming] 800 00:47:57,659 --> 00:47:58,727 - No, no. 801 00:47:58,727 --> 00:48:00,095 Slow--no running! 802 00:48:00,095 --> 00:48:01,396 - Get over here, T.T.! 803 00:48:01,396 --> 00:48:02,464 Uh-uh. No. 804 00:48:02,464 --> 00:48:03,765 No. No, T.T. 805 00:48:03,765 --> 00:48:04,799 - That's a weapon. - T.T., stop. 806 00:48:04,799 --> 00:48:06,368 T.T.! - T.T. 807 00:48:06,368 --> 00:48:07,802 - [screeches] - Don't let her into that one. 808 00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:09,371 She's got high ground. - Ahh! 809 00:48:09,371 --> 00:48:10,572 Ahh! Easy. 810 00:48:10,572 --> 00:48:11,824 No. No. No. 811 00:48:12,624 --> 00:48:13,859 - Father Nicholas has left me 812 00:48:13,859 --> 00:48:15,961 a splendid box this Christmas morrow, 813 00:48:15,961 --> 00:48:18,797 and inside, just what I asked for-- 814 00:48:18,797 --> 00:48:20,399 a real boy. 815 00:48:20,399 --> 00:48:23,302 [singing to the "12 Days of Christmas" tune] 816 00:49:19,491 --> 00:49:25,764 ♪ Happy holidays ♪ 817 00:49:25,764 --> 00:49:30,869 ♪ Reno ♪ 818 00:49:30,869 --> 00:49:33,739 [sleigh bells jingling] [upbeat music] 819 00:49:33,739 --> 00:49:37,943 ♪ ♪ 820 00:49:37,943 --> 00:49:41,947 - I quite frankly think that Mr. Richnickie 821 00:49:41,947 --> 00:49:44,149 might be making up the whole ransom note thing, 822 00:49:44,149 --> 00:49:46,184 and someone wanting to steal a silver nugget. 823 00:49:46,184 --> 00:49:47,486 I do. 824 00:49:47,486 --> 00:49:50,222 And I can't blame him, because I once sent 825 00:49:50,222 --> 00:49:54,126 ransom notes to my own parents, 826 00:49:54,126 --> 00:49:56,595 pretending like I had been kidnapped. 827 00:49:56,595 --> 00:50:00,098 And they did not respond. 828 00:50:02,934 --> 00:50:04,870 - You know, I did some background on Richnickie, 829 00:50:04,870 --> 00:50:06,371 and I don't know if this is something, 830 00:50:06,371 --> 00:50:07,506 but I think it might be. 831 00:50:07,506 --> 00:50:09,207 20 years ago, he had a car wash, 832 00:50:09,207 --> 00:50:11,209 and the way he used to get people to come to the car wash 833 00:50:11,209 --> 00:50:14,680 was he had some rhodium displayed 834 00:50:14,680 --> 00:50:16,348 in a Plexiglass case. 835 00:50:16,348 --> 00:50:19,117 If you don't know, rhodium is the most precious metal. 836 00:50:19,117 --> 00:50:21,420 It got stolen as well. 837 00:50:23,155 --> 00:50:24,756 Anything? 838 00:50:24,756 --> 00:50:26,325 - Hi, how are you today? 839 00:50:26,325 --> 00:50:27,592 There you go. 840 00:50:27,592 --> 00:50:28,960 All right. 841 00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:30,162 Now, you're not going to believe it. 842 00:50:30,162 --> 00:50:31,630 That's the Sierra Nugget. 843 00:50:31,630 --> 00:50:33,098 Can you believe it? 844 00:50:34,666 --> 00:50:36,134 She's my pride and joy, 845 00:50:36,134 --> 00:50:38,270 and she's insured for a fortune. 846 00:50:38,270 --> 00:50:39,638 Beautiful. 847 00:50:39,638 --> 00:50:42,474 [mysterious music] [sleigh bells jingling] 848 00:50:42,474 --> 00:50:46,144 ♪ ♪ 849 00:50:46,144 --> 00:50:49,381 - We have been in the Christmas pageant 850 00:50:49,381 --> 00:50:52,884 a whole bunch of times, and it was a'ight. 851 00:50:52,884 --> 00:50:55,220 But now--[laughs] Get ready for this, 852 00:50:55,220 --> 00:50:57,389 because Dangle came up with an idea 853 00:50:57,389 --> 00:51:00,392 for us to top what we did last year. 854 00:51:00,392 --> 00:51:02,961 We got live doves! 855 00:51:02,961 --> 00:51:04,429 - Live doves. 856 00:51:04,429 --> 00:51:08,934 There is a website called CelebrationDovesOhMyMy.org. 857 00:51:08,934 --> 00:51:11,303 We have, uh, dove catchers ready to go. 858 00:51:11,303 --> 00:51:12,804 - Yep. - Dove Station Alpha. 859 00:51:12,804 --> 00:51:13,905 - Doves fly out. - Check. 860 00:51:13,905 --> 00:51:15,107 - Check. Hey. 861 00:51:15,107 --> 00:51:16,808 Ho ho ho. - Dove Station Zebra. 862 00:51:16,808 --> 00:51:18,043 Check. 863 00:51:18,043 --> 00:51:20,445 After the Christ child is born-- 864 00:51:20,445 --> 00:51:22,314 I'm the Christ child, of course-- 865 00:51:22,314 --> 00:51:25,317 we will then release the doves. 866 00:51:25,317 --> 00:51:26,585 Get ready. Right, we all ready? 867 00:51:26,585 --> 00:51:28,754 - Y'all get ready. 868 00:51:28,754 --> 00:51:29,955 - It's got bubble wrap. 869 00:51:29,955 --> 00:51:31,022 - Save the bubble wrap. 870 00:51:31,022 --> 00:51:32,524 I like--I like bubble wrap. 871 00:51:34,393 --> 00:51:35,627 - Huh. 872 00:51:35,627 --> 00:51:38,096 One alive, one frozen alive, one dozen. 873 00:51:38,096 --> 00:51:41,466 There's lots and lots of them, and they're very cold. 874 00:51:41,466 --> 00:51:45,003 - It says you have to reheat the dove. 875 00:51:45,003 --> 00:51:47,038 They came over in a shipping container, right? 876 00:51:47,038 --> 00:51:48,507 - Oh, that makes sense. Oh, look at him. 877 00:51:48,507 --> 00:51:49,975 He's walking around, and then he's flying. 878 00:51:49,975 --> 00:51:51,510 This is not--actually not that hard. 879 00:51:51,510 --> 00:51:56,314 All we got to do is warm up, uh, 120 frozen solid doves. 880 00:51:56,314 --> 00:51:57,616 - I'll stick it down my shirt. 881 00:51:57,616 --> 00:51:58,917 That always works on everybody. - OK. 882 00:51:58,917 --> 00:52:00,118 - I'll try that. 883 00:52:00,118 --> 00:52:03,422 - Once they start waking up, 884 00:52:03,422 --> 00:52:04,756 be ready. 885 00:52:04,756 --> 00:52:07,125 - Jim, I got to say, I think these are dead. 886 00:52:07,125 --> 00:52:08,226 - They're just flash frozen. - No. 887 00:52:08,226 --> 00:52:09,661 - Mine is not coming back yet. 888 00:52:09,661 --> 00:52:13,532 - If anything, it's like it's necrofying my skin. 889 00:52:13,532 --> 00:52:15,200 - Oh, my God. - I heard this is how 890 00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:16,935 the first avian flu started, by the way. 891 00:52:16,935 --> 00:52:18,570 - That's probably very, very true. 892 00:52:18,570 --> 00:52:20,105 [hair dryer whirring] 893 00:52:20,105 --> 00:52:22,741 - Oh, oh, oh, oh. 894 00:52:22,741 --> 00:52:24,476 - No, no. 895 00:52:24,476 --> 00:52:25,944 - Ooh! 896 00:52:25,944 --> 00:52:27,379 Oh, my gosh. 897 00:52:27,379 --> 00:52:28,914 - Starting to smell like chicken. 898 00:52:28,914 --> 00:52:30,582 - Any luck? - No. 899 00:52:30,582 --> 00:52:33,185 - Well, I thought I saw something move, but-- 900 00:52:33,185 --> 00:52:34,786 - I had--I had a little feeling 901 00:52:34,786 --> 00:52:36,621 on this guy for a minute. 902 00:52:36,621 --> 00:52:38,356 Wait. 903 00:52:38,356 --> 00:52:39,224 No. 904 00:52:39,224 --> 00:52:40,625 So close, so close. 905 00:52:40,625 --> 00:52:41,893 Wait. 906 00:52:42,994 --> 00:52:44,763 Nope. I'll be back. 907 00:52:44,763 --> 00:52:46,698 Keep the faith. 908 00:52:46,698 --> 00:52:49,568 [siren blaring in distance] 909 00:52:51,603 --> 00:52:53,939 - My worst experience with the Junior Deputies 910 00:52:53,939 --> 00:52:56,308 was when I got taken hostage by them. 911 00:52:56,308 --> 00:52:58,210 Their demands were they wanted 912 00:52:58,210 --> 00:53:00,612 better living conditions and food. 913 00:53:00,612 --> 00:53:03,882 I got released once we agreed to expand their kennels 914 00:53:03,882 --> 00:53:06,017 by 25 square feet 915 00:53:06,017 --> 00:53:08,653 and raised the fill line on their dishes 916 00:53:08,653 --> 00:53:10,555 by an inch. 917 00:53:10,555 --> 00:53:14,993 - Have a lot of our adult deputies gotten hurt 918 00:53:14,993 --> 00:53:16,428 by the Junior Deputies? 919 00:53:16,428 --> 00:53:17,863 Of course. 920 00:53:17,863 --> 00:53:20,398 Did Trudy get rabies from one of the Junior Deputies? 921 00:53:20,398 --> 00:53:21,800 Yes. 922 00:53:21,800 --> 00:53:23,568 These are youngsters, often, that were maybe left 923 00:53:23,568 --> 00:53:29,140 at the station, and you can't judge them 924 00:53:29,140 --> 00:53:30,842 the way you would a normal person. 925 00:53:30,842 --> 00:53:32,944 And we've asked a judge to do that many times. 926 00:53:32,944 --> 00:53:34,513 And they say, no, these are children. 927 00:53:34,513 --> 00:53:37,582 [sleigh bells jingling] [gentle music] 928 00:53:37,582 --> 00:53:41,586 ♪ ♪ 929 00:53:41,586 --> 00:53:44,289 - Aaand away we go! 930 00:53:44,289 --> 00:53:46,258 Hi, Junior Deputies. 931 00:53:46,258 --> 00:53:49,761 My name is Deputy Trudy Wiegel, 932 00:53:49,761 --> 00:53:55,066 and I am going to take you on this magical sleigh ride 933 00:53:55,066 --> 00:53:59,337 to see a wowser of a holiday pageant. 934 00:53:59,337 --> 00:54:01,373 Which was written by my friend 935 00:54:01,373 --> 00:54:05,744 and sometimes lover, Jim Dangle. 936 00:54:05,744 --> 00:54:07,045 - Sir, I'm gonna-- 937 00:54:07,045 --> 00:54:09,047 I'm gonna need to have you sit down. 938 00:54:09,047 --> 00:54:11,449 - Um, OK. 939 00:54:11,449 --> 00:54:14,986 It's ma'am, but obviously that's apparent. 940 00:54:14,986 --> 00:54:17,188 - We stay in our seats because this 941 00:54:17,188 --> 00:54:20,058 is the safest bus in the West. 942 00:54:20,058 --> 00:54:24,129 When I say safest bus, you say the-- 943 00:54:25,664 --> 00:54:27,065 [grunts] Did some-- 944 00:54:27,065 --> 00:54:28,800 did somebody bring nuts on this bus? 945 00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:30,201 [crunching] 946 00:54:30,201 --> 00:54:33,438 This is a nut-free z--zone. 947 00:54:33,438 --> 00:54:34,639 Ahh! 948 00:54:34,639 --> 00:54:36,341 - You're a nut-free zone, right? 949 00:54:36,341 --> 00:54:38,476 [brakes squeal] What the hell? 950 00:54:38,476 --> 00:54:40,879 - [gasping] 951 00:54:40,879 --> 00:54:43,181 I'm deathly a-- 952 00:54:43,181 --> 00:54:46,851 allergic to n--nuts! 953 00:54:46,851 --> 00:54:48,153 - She's very dramatic. 954 00:54:48,153 --> 00:54:49,220 [blood splatters] [truck horn honks] 955 00:54:49,220 --> 00:54:50,488 [all gasp] Holy shit! 956 00:54:53,658 --> 00:54:55,460 Are you OK? 957 00:54:55,460 --> 00:54:58,129 Oh, my God, that's so gross. 958 00:54:58,129 --> 00:55:01,099 [traffic whooshing] [cars honking] 959 00:55:03,001 --> 00:55:04,369 [squelching] 960 00:55:04,369 --> 00:55:05,503 Ahh! 961 00:55:05,503 --> 00:55:07,872 Ahh! Ahh! 962 00:55:07,872 --> 00:55:11,142 [sleigh bells jingling] [upbeat music] 963 00:55:11,142 --> 00:55:13,812 ♪ ♪ 964 00:55:13,812 --> 00:55:16,681 - [vocalizing reveille] 965 00:55:16,681 --> 00:55:18,116 ♪ ♪ 966 00:55:18,116 --> 00:55:20,986 [indistinct radio chatter] 967 00:55:20,986 --> 00:55:23,188 - Declan's got an idea. 968 00:55:23,188 --> 00:55:25,023 - We're going to try tasing the dead dove. 969 00:55:25,023 --> 00:55:26,825 I'm only doing this because I wanted to get out 970 00:55:26,825 --> 00:55:28,326 of the briefing room, where everybody 971 00:55:28,326 --> 00:55:30,228 has a dove in their crotch. 972 00:55:30,228 --> 00:55:32,097 [breathes deeply] 973 00:55:33,598 --> 00:55:35,233 Really? 974 00:55:35,233 --> 00:55:37,068 - Is it stuck? 975 00:55:37,068 --> 00:55:38,737 - No. 976 00:55:38,737 --> 00:55:40,305 - I can help you with that later, if you like. 977 00:55:40,305 --> 00:55:41,606 - I'm good. 978 00:55:41,606 --> 00:55:43,241 [taser clicking] 979 00:55:46,645 --> 00:55:48,380 - Ta-dah! 980 00:55:48,380 --> 00:55:50,715 - So we went in the evidence room 981 00:55:50,715 --> 00:55:54,119 and got a little bit of the white lady. 982 00:55:54,119 --> 00:55:56,788 - A little bit of, uh, yo-yo. 983 00:55:56,788 --> 00:55:59,491 - A little bit of the white horse. 984 00:55:59,491 --> 00:56:01,960 - A little bit of that, uh, Bea Arthur. 985 00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:03,161 [both chuckle] 986 00:56:03,161 --> 00:56:04,429 - Cocaine, if y'all don't know. 987 00:56:04,429 --> 00:56:05,597 We--we got some cocaine. 988 00:56:05,597 --> 00:56:07,666 - Uh, Cloris Leachman. [laughs] 989 00:56:07,666 --> 00:56:09,134 - OK, OK. 990 00:56:09,134 --> 00:56:10,402 - Is that the nose? 991 00:56:10,402 --> 00:56:12,771 Here you go, little birdie. 992 00:56:12,771 --> 00:56:14,239 [humming] 993 00:56:14,239 --> 00:56:15,874 - OK, now, let me make him snort it. 994 00:56:15,874 --> 00:56:17,609 Hold on, hold on, hold on. 995 00:56:19,044 --> 00:56:20,378 Oh! 996 00:56:25,517 --> 00:56:27,419 - Heard you guys gave c--cocaine to the-- 997 00:56:27,419 --> 00:56:29,487 - Yeah. - Yeah, cool. 998 00:56:29,487 --> 00:56:31,022 This guy's coming along. This guy's coming pretty good. 999 00:56:31,022 --> 00:56:32,090 - Is it happening? 1000 00:56:32,090 --> 00:56:33,425 - I think so, yeah. 1001 00:56:33,425 --> 00:56:35,393 - Jim, you want a little? - I would. I would. 1002 00:56:35,393 --> 00:56:36,628 Are we talking about that, or are we just doing it? 1003 00:56:36,628 --> 00:56:37,529 - Yeah. Yeah. 1004 00:56:37,529 --> 00:56:39,664 - [sniffs] - Mm-hmm. 1005 00:56:39,664 --> 00:56:41,332 - - I think that helped. I think that did help. 1006 00:56:41,332 --> 00:56:42,600 Oh, that definitely helped. 1007 00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:44,302 - You or the dove? - Everybody. 1008 00:56:44,302 --> 00:56:45,837 Everybody. Everybody. 1009 00:56:45,837 --> 00:56:47,572 - A little of that Barbara Bush. 1010 00:56:47,572 --> 00:56:48,540 [chuckles] 1011 00:56:48,540 --> 00:56:49,874 - Let it go. - Yeah. 1012 00:56:49,874 --> 00:56:52,977 [sleigh bells jingling] ["Ode to Joy"] 1013 00:56:52,977 --> 00:56:54,512 ♪ ♪ 1014 00:57:02,988 --> 00:57:04,122 - ♪ Oh, the little Junior Deputies ♪ 1015 00:57:04,122 --> 00:57:05,223 ♪ They came up to your knee ♪ 1016 00:57:05,223 --> 00:57:06,291 ♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪ 1017 00:57:06,291 --> 00:57:08,493 ♪ Take a look-y and see ♪ 1018 00:57:08,493 --> 00:57:10,062 - Hey. 1019 00:57:10,062 --> 00:57:11,930 If you've got some loose pocket change this holiday, 1020 00:57:11,930 --> 00:57:14,866 see how much change you can really make by helping out 1021 00:57:14,866 --> 00:57:16,601 the Junior Deputies program 1022 00:57:16,601 --> 00:57:18,203 at the Reno Sheriff's Department. 1023 00:57:18,203 --> 00:57:20,205 Like my little friend Benjamin here, 1024 00:57:20,205 --> 00:57:23,642 who grew up right inside the Reno Sheriff's Department. 1025 00:57:23,642 --> 00:57:26,344 Say hi to my little friend Belphegor, 1026 00:57:26,344 --> 00:57:28,613 Demon God of Sloth. 1027 00:57:28,613 --> 00:57:30,315 - Hi. Yeah. 1028 00:57:31,683 --> 00:57:33,785 - Belphegor, Demon God of Sloth spent 1029 00:57:33,785 --> 00:57:36,054 17 Christmases in a row with us, 1030 00:57:36,054 --> 00:57:40,092 and thanks to your donations, he's... 1031 00:57:40,092 --> 00:57:41,359 totally fine. 1032 00:57:41,359 --> 00:57:43,795 - I am also hell's ambassador to France, 1033 00:57:43,795 --> 00:57:46,098 as described by the poet Milton. 1034 00:57:46,098 --> 00:57:47,399 In my spare time, 1035 00:57:47,399 --> 00:57:49,134 I am the tempter of witch hunters 1036 00:57:49,134 --> 00:57:51,803 with the promise of riches and great discoveries 1037 00:57:51,803 --> 00:57:53,472 that will slip through your fingers. 1038 00:57:53,472 --> 00:57:55,907 - And he touches everyone's leftovers in the fridge 1039 00:57:55,907 --> 00:57:57,976 to gain power over them. - Touché. 1040 00:57:57,976 --> 00:58:00,412 The hand of Belphegor knows thy dirty deeds. 1041 00:58:00,412 --> 00:58:02,581 [speaking Latin] 1042 00:58:02,581 --> 00:58:03,949 [chuckles] 1043 00:58:03,949 --> 00:58:05,217 - Great. 1044 00:58:05,217 --> 00:58:06,952 - Mortals, won't you put a little Christmas cheer 1045 00:58:06,952 --> 00:58:08,620 under the tree for the boys and girls 1046 00:58:08,620 --> 00:58:10,255 of the Reno Junior Deputies? 1047 00:58:10,255 --> 00:58:12,991 Just pennies a day could take an unwanted basket case 1048 00:58:12,991 --> 00:58:14,793 and turn them into me 1049 00:58:14,793 --> 00:58:17,295 or my fetching bride, Freckles. 1050 00:58:17,295 --> 00:58:19,831 - [demonic growling] 1051 00:58:20,799 --> 00:58:23,101 Hail the Dark Lord. 1052 00:58:24,836 --> 00:58:26,438 - Truly amazing mom. 1053 00:58:26,438 --> 00:58:27,906 - ♪ Oh, the little Junior Deputies ♪ 1054 00:58:27,906 --> 00:58:29,274 ♪ Were only just cubs ♪ 1055 00:58:29,274 --> 00:58:30,942 ♪ But now they're men and women ♪ 1056 00:58:30,942 --> 00:58:32,444 ♪ Kind of like us ♪ 1057 00:58:32,444 --> 00:58:35,547 [sleigh bells jingling] ["upbeat music"] 1058 00:58:35,547 --> 00:58:38,783 ♪ ♪ 1059 00:58:40,118 --> 00:58:42,287 - Well, the state of Nevada is getting sued 1060 00:58:42,287 --> 00:58:44,923 because do-gooders like these ones over here 1061 00:58:44,923 --> 00:58:47,225 have been wishing people Merry Christmas 1062 00:58:47,225 --> 00:58:48,560 on state property. 1063 00:58:48,560 --> 00:58:49,895 You can't do that anymore. 1064 00:58:49,895 --> 00:58:52,164 - That is a clear violation of the separation 1065 00:58:52,164 --> 00:58:54,266 of church and state, so we go over there, 1066 00:58:54,266 --> 00:58:55,800 get them to say Merry Christmas, 1067 00:58:55,800 --> 00:58:57,002 and we take them in. 1068 00:58:57,002 --> 00:58:58,637 - Check, check, check, check. 1069 00:58:58,637 --> 00:59:00,572 Ow! 1070 00:59:00,572 --> 00:59:02,440 Godspeed, you--shit! 1071 00:59:02,440 --> 00:59:03,909 - Unbelievable. Really. 1072 00:59:03,909 --> 00:59:05,277 - Break a leg. 1073 00:59:05,277 --> 00:59:06,645 - I've got a good backstory for us. 1074 00:59:06,645 --> 00:59:07,913 - All right. Oh. 1075 00:59:07,913 --> 00:59:09,481 - Hello. - Hello. 1076 00:59:09,481 --> 00:59:10,782 - Hi. Happy holidays. 1077 00:59:10,782 --> 00:59:11,850 - How you doing? - Happy holidays. 1078 00:59:11,850 --> 00:59:13,018 - And also with you. 1079 00:59:13,018 --> 00:59:14,219 - Thank you so much. 1080 00:59:14,219 --> 00:59:16,121 - This is my second husband, Jules. 1081 00:59:16,121 --> 00:59:17,956 We were having an emotional affair, 1082 00:59:17,956 --> 00:59:20,225 and when we decided to take it physical, 1083 00:59:20,225 --> 00:59:22,961 I asked my first husband for a divorce. 1084 00:59:22,961 --> 00:59:25,030 And now we're very happy. 1085 00:59:25,997 --> 00:59:27,199 - Yep. - Yeah. 1086 00:59:27,199 --> 00:59:29,234 - Due to our Episcopalian faith, 1087 00:59:29,234 --> 00:59:30,835 we come in at this time of year 1088 00:59:30,835 --> 00:59:32,771 to spend this special day with our kids. 1089 00:59:32,771 --> 00:59:34,339 - Right. Specifically the 25th. 1090 00:59:34,339 --> 00:59:35,840 - The celebration. - Yeah. 1091 00:59:35,840 --> 00:59:37,742 - Sure. - So close to winter solstice. 1092 00:59:37,742 --> 00:59:39,077 - Yes. - Right. 1093 00:59:39,077 --> 00:59:41,646 I'll come downstairs dressed up 1094 00:59:41,646 --> 00:59:43,048 like Santa Claus. - Yes. 1095 00:59:43,048 --> 00:59:45,884 - And I say, ho, ho, ho! 1096 00:59:45,884 --> 00:59:48,553 both: Happy holidays! 1097 00:59:48,553 --> 00:59:50,121 - No. - Thank you so much. 1098 00:59:50,121 --> 00:59:51,423 - Thank you. Thank you. 1099 00:59:51,423 --> 00:59:52,657 Happy holidays. 1100 00:59:52,657 --> 00:59:54,759 - Oh, greetings to you. - Yeah. Yeah. 1101 00:59:54,759 --> 00:59:56,228 This would mean so much to us. 1102 00:59:56,228 --> 00:59:57,896 We both have early-onset Alzheimer's, 1103 00:59:57,896 --> 00:59:59,998 and it can be very upsetting 1104 00:59:59,998 --> 01:00:01,032 when we can't come up with something 1105 01:00:01,032 --> 01:00:03,068 that's so, so obvious. 1106 01:00:03,068 --> 01:00:04,669 - I'll try. - Here we go. 1107 01:00:04,669 --> 01:00:06,304 - ♪ We wish you a-- ♪ 1108 01:00:06,304 --> 01:00:08,373 - ♪ Da-da-dup-bop ♪ What is it? What is it? 1109 01:00:08,373 --> 01:00:09,975 both: [vocalizing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"] 1110 01:00:09,975 --> 01:00:11,376 - No, no, no. But what is it? 1111 01:00:11,376 --> 01:00:13,078 What are the words? - Yeah, what are the words? 1112 01:00:13,078 --> 01:00:14,379 - Oh, my gosh, I'm so bad with this. 1113 01:00:14,379 --> 01:00:15,880 Because I actually have dyslexia, 1114 01:00:15,880 --> 01:00:17,215 but for song lyrics. 1115 01:00:17,215 --> 01:00:18,149 So I can't. 1116 01:00:18,149 --> 01:00:19,517 - Yeah, I prefer to karaoke. 1117 01:00:19,517 --> 01:00:20,752 I'm the same way. - Yeah. 1118 01:00:20,752 --> 01:00:22,420 Thank you. Happy fourth quarter. 1119 01:00:22,420 --> 01:00:23,455 - Season's greetings. 1120 01:00:23,455 --> 01:00:24,522 - Fourth quarter? 1121 01:00:24,522 --> 01:00:25,790 - Happy holidays. 1122 01:00:25,790 --> 01:00:27,025 What else could you say right now? 1123 01:00:27,025 --> 01:00:29,327 - Hmm. - Uh... 1124 01:00:29,327 --> 01:00:30,528 - Um... 1125 01:00:30,528 --> 01:00:32,130 - Would wish someone. 1126 01:00:32,130 --> 01:00:33,632 - I think I know where you're going with this. 1127 01:00:33,632 --> 01:00:34,866 - Thank you. - Uh-huh. 1128 01:00:34,866 --> 01:00:36,301 Uh-huh. - And I don't know-- 1129 01:00:36,301 --> 01:00:39,137 are you talking about the anniversary of the execution 1130 01:00:39,137 --> 01:00:42,207 of Romanian dictator Nicolas Ceausescu? 1131 01:00:42,207 --> 01:00:43,742 In 1989... - Did this happen? 1132 01:00:43,742 --> 01:00:44,876 - During the Romanian Revolution, 1133 01:00:44,876 --> 01:00:46,211 on December 25? - You know what? 1134 01:00:46,211 --> 01:00:47,879 I think you two are blameless. 1135 01:00:47,879 --> 01:00:50,048 I'm sorry for taking up your time, ma'am. 1136 01:00:50,048 --> 01:00:51,049 You're doing good work. 1137 01:00:51,049 --> 01:00:52,317 - Hey! What did you just say? 1138 01:00:52,317 --> 01:00:53,785 - Sorry for taking up your time, ma'am. 1139 01:00:53,785 --> 01:00:56,454 - You just gendered me on state property, motherfucker. 1140 01:00:56,454 --> 01:00:57,522 I'm a they! 1141 01:00:57,522 --> 01:00:58,990 - ACLU. 1142 01:00:58,990 --> 01:00:59,991 Put your hands behind your back. 1143 01:00:59,991 --> 01:01:00,959 - OK. Wait a minute. Hold on. 1144 01:01:00,959 --> 01:01:02,193 - Oh, come on. Hey. Hey. 1145 01:01:02,193 --> 01:01:03,528 - Put your hands behind your back. 1146 01:01:03,528 --> 01:01:04,863 - In his defense, he is very old. 1147 01:01:04,863 --> 01:01:06,765 I, for one, am happy to be gendered. 1148 01:01:06,765 --> 01:01:07,999 I am a lady. 1149 01:01:07,999 --> 01:01:10,035 - And I'm a big swinging dick man. 1150 01:01:10,035 --> 01:01:11,202 [cars honking] 1151 01:01:11,202 --> 01:01:12,270 - Everything's gonna be OK. 1152 01:01:12,270 --> 01:01:13,605 One, two, three, eyes on me. 1153 01:01:13,605 --> 01:01:15,407 One, two, three, eyes on me. Look at me! 1154 01:01:15,407 --> 01:01:16,908 Look at me! OK. 1155 01:01:16,908 --> 01:01:18,076 Do not freak out! 1156 01:01:18,076 --> 01:01:19,644 Do not freak out on me! 1157 01:01:19,644 --> 01:01:21,079 Everything is going to be fine! 1158 01:01:21,079 --> 01:01:22,614 Things could be worse. 1159 01:01:22,614 --> 01:01:24,916 Have you ever heard of 'Nam? 1160 01:01:24,916 --> 01:01:26,751 I'm not sure what it is. 1161 01:01:26,751 --> 01:01:28,420 But I do know that a lot of old men 1162 01:01:28,420 --> 01:01:30,889 are real pissed about it, so it's like that. 1163 01:01:30,889 --> 01:01:32,657 We're going to keep our shit together, 1164 01:01:32,657 --> 01:01:33,992 and we're not gonna-- see! 1165 01:01:33,992 --> 01:01:36,194 - Hello, children. Sir. 1166 01:01:36,194 --> 01:01:38,930 Look, we are so sorry that you guys had to witness 1167 01:01:38,930 --> 01:01:42,067 that lady get run over next to the bus. 1168 01:01:42,067 --> 01:01:44,569 She had an allergic reaction to some chestnuts, 1169 01:01:44,569 --> 01:01:45,670 and she panicked. 1170 01:01:45,670 --> 01:01:46,705 - Super weird. 1171 01:01:46,705 --> 01:01:48,139 - And the other motorist-- 1172 01:01:48,139 --> 01:01:51,276 also dead from the shock of splattering that lady. 1173 01:01:51,276 --> 01:01:53,445 Don't let them look outside. It's bad. 1174 01:01:53,445 --> 01:01:55,080 You got to keep them calm. Keep them calm. 1175 01:01:55,080 --> 01:01:56,815 - [gasping] - We got vultures. 1176 01:01:56,815 --> 01:01:58,016 Vultures. [vultures screeching] 1177 01:01:58,016 --> 01:01:59,284 Code V. Code V. Keep them calm! 1178 01:01:59,284 --> 01:02:00,618 - Look at me! Look at me! 1179 01:02:00,618 --> 01:02:01,786 One, two, three, eyes on me. 1180 01:02:01,786 --> 01:02:03,488 One, two, three. They're just birds! 1181 01:02:03,488 --> 01:02:04,756 Everybody loves birds. 1182 01:02:04,756 --> 01:02:06,224 Merry Christmas! 1183 01:02:06,224 --> 01:02:07,158 Merry Christmas! - Hold your attack! 1184 01:02:07,158 --> 01:02:08,193 - There's fucking birds. 1185 01:02:08,193 --> 01:02:09,494 Do not look out the window! 1186 01:02:09,494 --> 01:02:10,462 Oh, look what I have! 1187 01:02:10,462 --> 01:02:11,730 Look, look, look! 1188 01:02:11,730 --> 01:02:13,398 ♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪ 1189 01:02:13,398 --> 01:02:15,100 ♪ On the Feast of Stephen ♪ - Oh, my God! 1190 01:02:15,100 --> 01:02:16,534 There's so much blood! - Guys! Guys! Guys! 1191 01:02:16,534 --> 01:02:18,236 You're acting like you've never seen birds before! 1192 01:02:18,236 --> 01:02:19,771 - Why are there so many? 1193 01:02:19,771 --> 01:02:23,675 - No one else will die today 'cause Jesus said it's so. 1194 01:02:23,675 --> 01:02:27,178 No one else will die on my watch today! 1195 01:02:27,178 --> 01:02:28,847 - Oh, no. No. No, no. 1196 01:02:28,847 --> 01:02:30,081 Stay away from the bus driver. 1197 01:02:30,081 --> 01:02:31,249 Stay away from the bus driver! 1198 01:02:31,249 --> 01:02:33,251 - Oh, my God, they're eating her face! 1199 01:02:33,251 --> 01:02:36,121 [sleigh bells jingling] [mellow music] 1200 01:02:36,121 --> 01:02:41,893 ♪ ♪ 1201 01:02:41,893 --> 01:02:45,163 [indistinct radio chatter] 1202 01:02:45,163 --> 01:02:47,298 [microwave beeping] [dove squelches] 1203 01:02:54,072 --> 01:02:56,341 - We have another microwave, actually. 1204 01:02:56,341 --> 01:02:59,077 - You guys don't have to use popcorn mode for everything. 1205 01:02:59,077 --> 01:03:00,745 - Ah, yes. - OK? 1206 01:03:00,745 --> 01:03:02,981 Defrost, 50% power. 1207 01:03:02,981 --> 01:03:05,483 That's the secret. - 50%. 1208 01:03:05,483 --> 01:03:06,618 - Three... 1209 01:03:06,618 --> 01:03:08,219 all: Two, one. 1210 01:03:08,219 --> 01:03:10,221 [microwave beeping] 1211 01:03:11,656 --> 01:03:13,124 - [gasps] - [gasps] 1212 01:03:13,124 --> 01:03:14,559 [cheering] 1213 01:03:14,559 --> 01:03:16,027 - Oh, my gosh! 1214 01:03:16,027 --> 01:03:17,862 - Oh, hey, hey, hey. 1215 01:03:17,862 --> 01:03:19,431 - It's a Christmas miracle! 1216 01:03:19,431 --> 01:03:22,367 - We have 106 left to do, then. 1217 01:03:22,367 --> 01:03:23,935 - Yeah. - We need more microwave. 1218 01:03:23,935 --> 01:03:25,036 - Yeah. 1219 01:03:25,036 --> 01:03:26,204 - Great idea. [dove coos] 1220 01:03:26,204 --> 01:03:28,139 [cars honking] 1221 01:03:28,139 --> 01:03:29,641 [crashing, shattering] - Oh! 1222 01:03:29,641 --> 01:03:32,811 Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! 1223 01:03:32,811 --> 01:03:34,779 - He's OK. He's OK. 1224 01:03:34,779 --> 01:03:35,814 See, he's OK! 1225 01:03:35,814 --> 01:03:37,015 [horn honking] 1226 01:03:37,015 --> 01:03:38,049 Everything's OK. [cars crashing] 1227 01:03:38,049 --> 01:03:39,717 - Oh, my God. 1228 01:03:39,717 --> 01:03:40,718 Oh, my God. 1229 01:03:40,718 --> 01:03:43,655 [all screaming] 1230 01:03:48,893 --> 01:03:50,762 - OK. Children, children. 1231 01:03:50,762 --> 01:03:52,730 This is just the cycle of life, all right? 1232 01:03:52,730 --> 01:03:54,799 The vultures are just doing their job 1233 01:03:54,799 --> 01:03:55,834 eating those entrails. 1234 01:03:55,834 --> 01:03:56,968 - Yeah. - All right? 1235 01:03:56,968 --> 01:03:58,102 I strangled a bunch of them, 1236 01:03:58,102 --> 01:03:59,204 and I think I got the alpha. 1237 01:03:59,204 --> 01:04:00,472 So we're going to be OK. 1238 01:04:00,472 --> 01:04:01,840 The alpha's dead, and we should-- 1239 01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:02,907 [vulture screeches] 1240 01:04:02,907 --> 01:04:04,175 OK. Alpha's still alive. 1241 01:04:04,175 --> 01:04:06,878 Alpha's still in play! 1242 01:04:05,276 --> 01:04:06,878 Alpha's still in play! 1243 01:04:06,878 --> 01:04:08,246 - We're not gonna get off the bus, 1244 01:04:08,246 --> 01:04:10,482 'cause we don't want the alpha to kill us, OK? 1245 01:04:10,482 --> 01:04:11,950 [car horn honks] - Good, children! 1246 01:04:11,950 --> 01:04:13,585 Children! I've got the alpha! 1247 01:04:13,585 --> 01:04:15,420 [yelling] [vulture screeches] 1248 01:04:15,420 --> 01:04:16,721 - Ahh! - Keep your eyes away! 1249 01:04:16,721 --> 01:04:17,689 I think I got him! 1250 01:04:17,689 --> 01:04:18,756 I got him! 1251 01:04:19,858 --> 01:04:21,893 This is part of nature! 1252 01:04:21,893 --> 01:04:23,962 [grunting] [upbeat music] 1253 01:04:23,962 --> 01:04:27,065 ["Joy to the World" playing over mall speakers] 1254 01:04:27,065 --> 01:04:30,134 - Jim Dangle's Christmas pageant script. 1255 01:04:30,134 --> 01:04:35,707 Um, 190 pages. 1256 01:04:35,707 --> 01:04:37,942 But I got to give it to him, three or four of those pages 1257 01:04:37,942 --> 01:04:39,077 are really, really good. 1258 01:04:39,077 --> 01:04:40,745 Solid. 1259 01:04:40,745 --> 01:04:42,146 Sondheim level. 1260 01:04:42,146 --> 01:04:45,250 - [screams] 1261 01:04:45,250 --> 01:04:48,052 - Ho, ho, ho! 1262 01:04:49,254 --> 01:04:52,457 Someone order one Christmas miracle, 1263 01:04:52,457 --> 01:04:55,326 shipping and handling included? [chuckles] 1264 01:04:55,326 --> 01:04:56,761 - I was so scared! 1265 01:04:56,761 --> 01:04:58,096 - Of course you were. 1266 01:04:58,096 --> 01:05:00,064 I had a stroke of genius, 1267 01:05:00,064 --> 01:05:02,000 which I very seldom do. 1268 01:05:02,000 --> 01:05:05,336 These bandits could never get to your semi-precious nugget 1269 01:05:05,336 --> 01:05:08,072 if it's playing a "star" 1270 01:05:08,072 --> 01:05:10,875 --ing role in the pageant. 1271 01:05:10,875 --> 01:05:11,910 - Did it get Jesus? 1272 01:05:11,910 --> 01:05:13,344 Did my nugget get Jesus? 1273 01:05:13,344 --> 01:05:14,679 - I'm obviously playing Jesus. 1274 01:05:14,679 --> 01:05:16,748 Your nugget-- - Is playing-- 1275 01:05:16,748 --> 01:05:18,016 - A star-- 1276 01:05:18,016 --> 01:05:19,183 - The Wise Men-- - --ing role. 1277 01:05:19,183 --> 01:05:20,652 - All three Wise Men. 1278 01:05:20,652 --> 01:05:22,687 - No, that's--the 1279 01:05:22,687 --> 01:05:24,589 - The myrrh? 1280 01:05:24,589 --> 01:05:29,027 - Mr. Richnickie, your semi-precious nugget 1281 01:05:29,027 --> 01:05:30,995 will be playing... 1282 01:05:30,995 --> 01:05:33,298 the Star of Bethlehem. 1283 01:05:33,298 --> 01:05:34,966 It's going to be right there... - Mm. 1284 01:05:34,966 --> 01:05:37,702 - Underneath the entire Reno Sheriff's Department 1285 01:05:37,702 --> 01:05:40,572 as we do our pageant, safe as houses. 1286 01:05:40,572 --> 01:05:43,341 And as soon as it's midnight, you're in the clear. 1287 01:05:43,341 --> 01:05:45,543 - Oh! [both laugh] 1288 01:05:45,543 --> 01:05:47,211 It's hidden in plain sight. 1289 01:05:47,211 --> 01:05:50,348 [dramatic music] 1290 01:07:46,014 --> 01:07:49,083 [sleigh bells jingling] [upbeat music] 1291 01:07:49,083 --> 01:07:51,319 ♪ ♪ 1292 01:07:51,319 --> 01:07:53,288 [helicopter whirring] 1293 01:07:53,288 --> 01:07:55,556 [traffic honking] 1294 01:07:55,556 --> 01:07:57,392 - Never get off the bus. 1295 01:07:57,392 --> 01:07:58,760 Never get-- 1296 01:07:58,760 --> 01:08:00,762 - Oh, my God, I have to talk to children? 1297 01:08:00,762 --> 01:08:02,463 - [whimpers] - OK. OK. 1298 01:08:02,463 --> 01:08:04,165 OK. Hi. 1299 01:08:04,165 --> 01:08:05,933 Hi. I got this. 1300 01:08:05,933 --> 01:08:07,235 [chuckles] 1301 01:08:07,235 --> 01:08:08,836 Hello, children. 1302 01:08:08,836 --> 01:08:10,772 Two cars just collided, and-- 1303 01:08:10,772 --> 01:08:12,507 I'm so sorry, I can't lie to children. 1304 01:08:12,507 --> 01:08:14,409 - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - OK, I got this. 1305 01:08:14,409 --> 01:08:18,479 A car collided with a trailer full of petting zoo animals! 1306 01:08:18,479 --> 01:08:20,381 - Aw! - [chuckles] 1307 01:08:20,381 --> 01:08:21,582 - Aw! - But--but--but 1308 01:08:21,582 --> 01:08:23,217 the good news-- good news is the-- 1309 01:08:23,217 --> 01:08:26,287 the screams you hear are not human. 1310 01:08:26,287 --> 01:08:27,889 [high-pitched screaming] 1311 01:08:27,889 --> 01:08:31,125 They're the screams of miniature horses. 1312 01:08:31,125 --> 01:08:34,128 They weren't adult horses, so-- - [chuckles] 1313 01:08:34,128 --> 01:08:36,564 Could have been worse, see? Could've been worse. 1314 01:08:36,564 --> 01:08:39,200 - Oh, God, the horror! 1315 01:08:39,200 --> 01:08:40,968 Also, it's electrified out there. 1316 01:08:40,968 --> 01:08:42,837 The helicopter cut some power lines. 1317 01:08:42,837 --> 01:08:45,973 So be careful, unless you have some rubber-soled shoes. 1318 01:08:45,973 --> 01:08:46,941 - Sure. 1319 01:08:46,941 --> 01:08:48,209 - Oh, no! 1320 01:08:48,209 --> 01:08:49,844 I hate this job! 1321 01:08:49,844 --> 01:08:51,913 - Also could be very slippery. 1322 01:08:51,913 --> 01:08:56,718 - Kenny Rogers. - Kenny Rogers! 1323 01:08:56,718 --> 01:08:58,653 - Kenny Rogers. - Kenny--uh-oh! 1324 01:08:58,653 --> 01:09:00,021 Oh-ho-ho-ho. 1325 01:09:00,021 --> 01:09:03,991 - Born 21 August, 1938, Kenneth Donald Rogers, 1326 01:09:03,991 --> 01:09:06,027 known to his family as Kenny Ray-- 1327 01:09:06,027 --> 01:09:07,328 - Follow me, sir. 1328 01:09:07,328 --> 01:09:09,163 - [bleats] 1329 01:09:09,163 --> 01:09:10,398 Come on, Frank. 1330 01:09:10,398 --> 01:09:11,766 [bleating dramatically] 1331 01:09:11,766 --> 01:09:12,834 That's better. 1332 01:09:12,834 --> 01:09:14,202 - We're naked for 36 pages 1333 01:09:14,202 --> 01:09:15,570 at the end of this thing. 1334 01:09:15,570 --> 01:09:17,205 You know, Jim's got himself a pump back there. 1335 01:09:17,205 --> 01:09:18,473 - Yeah, he loves that. 1336 01:09:18,473 --> 01:09:19,941 - Yeah, he fluffs himself up for it, 1337 01:09:19,941 --> 01:09:21,676 and we've got to go out there just with what we got. 1338 01:09:21,676 --> 01:09:23,177 I don't wanna do this. 1339 01:09:23,177 --> 01:09:26,314 - Full disclosure, this does cost $38. 1340 01:09:26,314 --> 01:09:31,886 - But behold, I seek only [mumbles]. 1341 01:09:31,886 --> 01:09:34,689 For it is a young--young child. 1342 01:09:34,689 --> 01:09:36,391 [PA beeps] - Did you have a busy day? 1343 01:09:36,391 --> 01:09:38,793 Are you behind on your holiday shopping? 1344 01:09:38,793 --> 01:09:40,161 Don't worry. 1345 01:09:40,161 --> 01:09:42,063 The Sierra Nugget Mall is now open 1346 01:09:42,063 --> 01:09:43,898 from 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. daily 1347 01:09:43,898 --> 01:09:45,466 for your holiday shopping needs. 1348 01:09:45,466 --> 01:09:47,335 - Places! Rehearsal's on. 1349 01:09:47,335 --> 01:09:49,303 Places for dress rehearsal, everybody. 1350 01:09:49,303 --> 01:09:50,471 Places. 1351 01:09:50,471 --> 01:09:51,739 Places for dress. - Fuck yeah. 1352 01:09:51,739 --> 01:09:53,408 Let's fucking do this shit. 1353 01:09:53,408 --> 01:09:56,411 [dramatic music] 1354 01:09:56,411 --> 01:09:59,414 ♪ ♪ 1355 01:09:59,414 --> 01:10:00,748 - Places! 1356 01:10:00,748 --> 01:10:01,816 - We're here, Jim. 1357 01:10:01,816 --> 01:10:03,017 - OK. So we're-- 1358 01:10:03,017 --> 01:10:04,452 the orphans aren't in yet. 1359 01:10:04,452 --> 01:10:05,553 Lights are out, lights are out. 1360 01:10:05,553 --> 01:10:06,621 Smoke and mystery. 1361 01:10:06,621 --> 01:10:10,625 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 1362 01:10:10,625 --> 01:10:13,561 [dramatic electric guitar playing] 1363 01:10:13,561 --> 01:10:18,332 ♪ ♪ 1364 01:10:18,332 --> 01:10:22,703 ♪ Oh, this child born tonight gonna freak us with his light ♪ 1365 01:10:22,703 --> 01:10:26,707 ♪ Gonna set the world to right with his holy, holy groove ♪ 1366 01:10:26,707 --> 01:10:30,645 ♪ And the people start to move as their bodies feel the news ♪ 1367 01:10:30,645 --> 01:10:35,082 ♪ That this little naked man is the king of all the Jews ♪ 1368 01:10:35,082 --> 01:10:36,617 Oh! 1369 01:10:36,617 --> 01:10:43,057 ♪ Jesus Christ, guys ♪ 1370 01:10:43,057 --> 01:10:44,525 all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪ 1371 01:10:44,525 --> 01:10:45,760 ♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪ 1372 01:10:45,760 --> 01:10:47,028 - That's it. 1373 01:10:47,028 --> 01:10:48,429 all: ♪ Oh, freaky, freaky, freak ♪ 1374 01:10:48,429 --> 01:10:50,198 ♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪ 1375 01:10:50,198 --> 01:10:51,632 - That's it, now. 1376 01:10:51,632 --> 01:10:53,000 all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪ - That's it. 1377 01:10:53,000 --> 01:10:54,735 all: ♪ Jesus freaking me ♪ - Yeah. 1378 01:10:54,735 --> 01:10:56,437 - ♪ Oh, freaky, freaky, freak ♪ 1379 01:10:56,437 --> 01:10:57,638 - Yeah. 1380 01:10:57,638 --> 01:11:00,074 all: ♪ Naked boy who died for me ♪ 1381 01:11:00,074 --> 01:11:02,443 - ♪ I'm gonna get scary ♪ 1382 01:11:02,443 --> 01:11:06,013 ♪ As Balthazar-- come on to center stage ♪ 1383 01:11:06,013 --> 01:11:07,415 Balthazar to center stage. - Yes, yes. 1384 01:11:07,415 --> 01:11:08,950 Yes, Jim. Yep. 1385 01:11:08,950 --> 01:11:10,284 - Little bit scary. - Mm-hmm. 1386 01:11:10,284 --> 01:11:11,719 - I don't want to note you to death, 1387 01:11:11,719 --> 01:11:14,489 but the last couple times we did this, 1388 01:11:14,489 --> 01:11:15,756 you were just--you were behind. 1389 01:11:15,756 --> 01:11:16,958 You were late. - I'm a little--I know. 1390 01:11:16,958 --> 01:11:18,125 - Late. - I know, Jim. 1391 01:11:18,125 --> 01:11:19,527 - Let's not be late. Ready? 1392 01:11:19,527 --> 01:11:21,195 - Can we not embarrass me in front of everyone? 1393 01:11:21,195 --> 01:11:22,430 - I don't think I'm embarrassing you 1394 01:11:22,430 --> 01:11:23,764 in front of everyone. 1395 01:11:23,764 --> 01:11:24,699 Am I embarrassing him in front of everyone? 1396 01:11:24,699 --> 01:11:25,733 - Yes. - Yeah, yeah. 1397 01:11:25,733 --> 01:11:26,968 - If you want to give me notes, 1398 01:11:26,968 --> 01:11:28,636 you take me behind the Christmas tree. 1399 01:11:28,636 --> 01:11:29,937 - Who's Balthazar? - Me. 1400 01:11:29,937 --> 01:11:31,472 - You are. - Jones. 1401 01:11:31,472 --> 01:11:33,174 - Beautiful. [PA beeps] 1402 01:11:33,174 --> 01:11:35,610 - Can I have your attention? - Two, three, four-- 1403 01:11:35,610 --> 01:11:38,079 - Will the mother of Lupita-- - Six, seven, eight, nine. 1404 01:11:38,079 --> 01:11:39,714 - Please come to the lost and found? 1405 01:11:39,714 --> 01:11:41,215 [playing electric guitar] 1406 01:11:41,215 --> 01:11:42,884 Now. 1407 01:11:42,884 --> 01:11:45,620 - ♪ Who is this tiny man who in the manger now is born? ♪ 1408 01:11:45,620 --> 01:11:47,455 ♪ And will he fill the world with love ♪ 1409 01:11:47,455 --> 01:11:49,323 ♪ But also wear a crown of thorns? ♪ 1410 01:11:49,323 --> 01:11:52,793 ♪ And if the Romans find a boy who is so naked and so wise ♪ 1411 01:11:52,793 --> 01:11:54,328 ♪ Could he even now survive ♪ 1412 01:11:54,328 --> 01:11:56,364 ♪ Or would he [indistinct] his demise? ♪ 1413 01:11:56,364 --> 01:11:57,865 ♪ And should we all just run and flee ♪ 1414 01:11:57,865 --> 01:11:59,200 ♪ And bid adieu to Galilee? ♪ 1415 01:11:59,200 --> 01:12:02,103 ♪ But lo, this little naked man ♪ 1416 01:12:02,103 --> 01:12:03,938 ♪ Yes, it's happening ♪ 1417 01:12:03,938 --> 01:12:08,576 ♪ I am a Jesus freak fan ♪ 1418 01:12:08,576 --> 01:12:09,977 - Three, four. 1419 01:12:09,977 --> 01:12:11,612 - Yeah, that's the holidays right there, right? 1420 01:12:11,612 --> 01:12:13,347 That's the holidays. all: ♪ Jesus freaking me ♪ 1421 01:12:13,347 --> 01:12:15,449 - That's it. all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪ 1422 01:12:15,449 --> 01:12:17,885 ♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪ 1423 01:12:17,885 --> 01:12:19,554 ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪ - That's right. 1424 01:12:19,554 --> 01:12:20,755 - ♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪ 1425 01:12:20,755 --> 01:12:22,023 - That's exactly it. 1426 01:12:22,023 --> 01:12:23,457 all: ♪ Oh, freaky, freaky, freak ♪ 1427 01:12:23,457 --> 01:12:26,294 ♪ The naked boy who died for me ♪ 1428 01:12:26,294 --> 01:12:27,895 ♪ ♪ 1429 01:12:27,895 --> 01:12:30,164 - And then you're feeling each other's bodies. 1430 01:12:30,164 --> 01:12:32,366 ♪ ♪ 1431 01:12:32,366 --> 01:12:34,502 Exploring bodies. 1432 01:12:34,502 --> 01:12:38,506 God, we've been given these beautiful bodies. 1433 01:12:38,506 --> 01:12:41,042 OK, that was one one-thousandth of the energy 1434 01:12:41,042 --> 01:12:43,144 I want on the day, OK? - OK. 1435 01:12:43,144 --> 01:12:45,980 - Fun family show for the fucking Junior Deputies, 1436 01:12:45,980 --> 01:12:49,116 some of whom are recovering from crack problems, OK? 1437 01:12:49,116 --> 01:12:51,552 Let's pick it up at the-- we've arrived at the manger, 1438 01:12:51,552 --> 01:12:53,054 there's no room, there's no room. 1439 01:12:53,054 --> 01:12:55,723 - [dramatically] There's no room in the manger! 1440 01:12:55,723 --> 01:12:57,425 - You're not going to do it like that, are you? 1441 01:12:57,425 --> 01:12:58,859 - I was. 1442 01:12:58,859 --> 01:13:00,461 - Can I see it a little bigger? 1443 01:13:00,461 --> 01:13:01,996 - [clears throat] 1444 01:13:01,996 --> 01:13:05,266 - [dramatically] There's no room in the manger. 1445 01:13:05,266 --> 01:13:06,534 - See, that's why this is a show. 1446 01:13:06,534 --> 01:13:08,469 That's why this is a show. - That's it. 1447 01:13:08,469 --> 01:13:11,539 - [singing quietly] [sirens blaring] 1448 01:13:11,539 --> 01:13:13,874 [gentle music] 1449 01:13:13,874 --> 01:13:16,911 [cars honking] 1450 01:13:19,614 --> 01:13:22,183 [electricity crackles] 1451 01:13:22,183 --> 01:13:24,952 [helicopter whirring] 1452 01:13:25,987 --> 01:13:28,356 [rumbling] [whimpering] 1453 01:13:28,356 --> 01:13:29,757 [banging] 1454 01:13:29,757 --> 01:13:32,693 [heroic music] 1455 01:13:32,693 --> 01:13:35,062 [shouts] - Fear not, little goyim. 1456 01:13:35,062 --> 01:13:37,465 Your rescue is at hand. 1457 01:13:38,633 --> 01:13:39,900 - Oh. 1458 01:13:42,036 --> 01:13:43,738 - Shalom, baby. 1459 01:13:43,738 --> 01:13:47,041 Hatzalah at your service. 1460 01:13:47,041 --> 01:13:51,278 We was, uh, circling in the Black Hawk chopper. 1461 01:13:51,278 --> 01:13:53,214 We saw you were in distress. 1462 01:13:53,214 --> 01:13:56,450 We got here in two shakes of a mule's bottom. 1463 01:13:56,450 --> 01:13:57,752 - Thank God you're here! 1464 01:13:57,752 --> 01:14:00,388 - We was, uh, doing mitzvahing this week. 1465 01:14:00,388 --> 01:14:03,090 It's best way to celebrate sixth night of Hanukkah. 1466 01:14:03,090 --> 01:14:05,059 - Oh, we were also just 1467 01:14:05,059 --> 01:14:06,727 celebrating Hanukkah. - Great. 1468 01:14:06,727 --> 01:14:11,532 How about we tow this bus to wherever it is you're going? 1469 01:14:11,532 --> 01:14:13,067 - Oh, thank you! 1470 01:14:13,067 --> 01:14:14,535 - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. 1471 01:14:14,535 --> 01:14:15,770 It's forbidden. 1472 01:14:15,770 --> 01:14:16,904 - Thank you, at least, for recognizing 1473 01:14:16,904 --> 01:14:19,040 that I am indeed a female. 1474 01:14:19,040 --> 01:14:21,075 - Of course! You are woman. 1475 01:14:21,075 --> 01:14:26,180 You are 100% filthy, disgusting woman 1476 01:14:26,180 --> 01:14:29,984 that I would not schtup through hole in two sheets. 1477 01:14:29,984 --> 01:14:31,185 - OK. 1478 01:14:31,185 --> 01:14:32,520 It's been a long day. - OK. 1479 01:14:32,520 --> 01:14:33,788 Of course. 1480 01:14:33,788 --> 01:14:36,691 So who wants to be Jewish like Ivanka Trump, 1481 01:14:36,691 --> 01:14:38,492 most beautiful woman in world? 1482 01:14:38,492 --> 01:14:39,994 OK. See me afterwards. 1483 01:14:39,994 --> 01:14:41,595 I have pamphlets. - OK. 1484 01:14:41,595 --> 01:14:43,364 - Let's hook you up to tank-- - Yes. 1485 01:14:43,364 --> 01:14:45,066 And get you where you need to go. 1486 01:14:45,066 --> 01:14:46,634 - Yes! - Huh? 1487 01:14:46,634 --> 01:14:49,870 Hatzalah. all: Hatzalah. 1488 01:14:49,870 --> 01:14:51,639 Just the boys. Hatzalah. 1489 01:14:51,639 --> 01:14:53,441 Good. Hatzalah. 1490 01:14:53,441 --> 01:14:54,975 - Just the girls. - No, not the girls. 1491 01:14:54,975 --> 01:14:56,043 - Nope. - --alah. 1492 01:14:56,043 --> 01:14:59,046 [festive music] 1493 01:14:59,046 --> 01:15:01,549 ♪ ♪ 1494 01:15:01,549 --> 01:15:04,985 - Even the animals in the barn rejoiced at this-- 1495 01:15:04,985 --> 01:15:06,487 - Hi, guys. I got the Junior Deputies. 1496 01:15:06,487 --> 01:15:08,055 Everything is totally cool and fine. 1497 01:15:08,055 --> 01:15:09,323 - What the hell happened to you? 1498 01:15:09,323 --> 01:15:10,725 - Yeah, nothing! Everything's fine. 1499 01:15:10,725 --> 01:15:11,926 I got the Junior Deputies here, safe and sound. 1500 01:15:11,926 --> 01:15:13,194 Everybody's good. Go, go, go! 1501 01:15:13,194 --> 01:15:14,662 You're fine. You're fine. - Go. Great seats. 1502 01:15:14,662 --> 01:15:15,963 Great seats still available. - Everybody's fine. 1503 01:15:15,963 --> 01:15:17,465 - Hurry, hurry, hurry. 1504 01:15:17,465 --> 01:15:20,101 - Enjoy the greatest story ever told, Junior Deputies. 1505 01:15:20,101 --> 01:15:21,669 - You got to get dressed. - Yes. 1506 01:15:21,669 --> 01:15:22,970 OK. Everything's fine. 1507 01:15:22,970 --> 01:15:24,338 Everything is good. - OK, tighten up. 1508 01:15:24,338 --> 01:15:26,307 We're running about 90 minutes late, 1509 01:15:26,307 --> 01:15:27,608 but that's not going to affect our energy. 1510 01:15:27,608 --> 01:15:29,043 - You're not going to believe it! 1511 01:15:29,043 --> 01:15:33,314 We booked Inkeba Bathetois. 1512 01:15:33,314 --> 01:15:35,983 - Local meteorologist Inkeba Bathetois? 1513 01:15:35,983 --> 01:15:37,685 - Yes, that very one. 1514 01:15:37,685 --> 01:15:39,186 But she can sing, too! 1515 01:15:39,186 --> 01:15:40,554 She's even better at singing than 1516 01:15:40,554 --> 01:15:42,523 she is at predicting cloud stuff! 1517 01:15:42,523 --> 01:15:44,058 - Mr. Richnickie, stop talking for two seconds 1518 01:15:44,058 --> 01:15:45,392 before I punch you in the face. 1519 01:15:45,392 --> 01:15:47,061 I just want to make it clear. 1520 01:15:47,061 --> 01:15:48,596 She's going to go-- local meteorologist 1521 01:15:48,596 --> 01:15:51,332 Inkeba Bathetois is going to go on right after us? 1522 01:15:51,332 --> 01:15:53,167 - Local meteorologist Inkeba Bathetois, 1523 01:15:53,167 --> 01:15:54,802 and beautiful singer Inkeba Bathetois-- 1524 01:15:54,802 --> 01:15:56,137 - And Peabody Award winner. 1525 01:15:56,137 --> 01:15:57,705 - --is going on momentarily. 1526 01:15:57,705 --> 01:15:59,173 And everyone is very excited. 1527 01:15:59,173 --> 01:16:00,975 Also, she told me to tell you not 1528 01:16:00,975 --> 01:16:02,476 to look her directly in the face. 1529 01:16:02,476 --> 01:16:04,078 - Oh, sure. - 'Cause she's very famous 1530 01:16:04,078 --> 01:16:05,112 and does not like that. 1531 01:16:05,112 --> 01:16:06,447 I'm going to go introduce her. 1532 01:16:06,447 --> 01:16:08,349 This is going to be so great! I can't wait! 1533 01:16:08,349 --> 01:16:11,452 Also, your green room is now her assistant's green room, 1534 01:16:11,452 --> 01:16:13,220 so you don't have a green room no more. 1535 01:16:13,220 --> 01:16:14,789 I love you! - Great. 1536 01:16:14,789 --> 01:16:16,757 Don't go in her green room. - I got to focus on the text. 1537 01:16:16,757 --> 01:16:18,526 - It's going to be great. Prayer, prayer, prayer. 1538 01:16:18,526 --> 01:16:23,831 Right now, it's Reno Sheriff's Department versus the world. 1539 01:16:23,831 --> 01:16:25,299 The butterflies. 1540 01:16:25,299 --> 01:16:27,368 It's OK to throw up before you go on. 1541 01:16:27,368 --> 01:16:30,237 It might even make you look less bloated. 1542 01:16:30,237 --> 01:16:32,173 I'm not looking at anybody specifically, 1543 01:16:32,173 --> 01:16:33,741 but if you need to throw up before, 1544 01:16:33,741 --> 01:16:37,211 the butterflies are your friend for definition. 1545 01:16:37,211 --> 01:16:42,116 Now, I know there's 150 pages of the script 1546 01:16:42,116 --> 01:16:44,985 we didn't really get to, or talk about, or block. 1547 01:16:44,985 --> 01:16:47,621 But greatest story ever told. 1548 01:16:47,621 --> 01:16:49,323 You're bringing to the Christ child? 1549 01:16:49,323 --> 01:16:50,858 - Myrrh. - And you're bringing? 1550 01:16:50,858 --> 01:16:51,892 - I bring gold. 1551 01:16:51,892 --> 01:16:53,627 - And Trudy is bringing? 1552 01:16:55,162 --> 01:16:58,432 - Well, I think I read the email wrong. 1553 01:16:58,432 --> 01:16:59,667 - It's OK. 1554 01:16:59,667 --> 01:17:01,068 - I mean, it's kind of the same story. 1555 01:17:01,068 --> 01:17:02,570 - Yeah, Jesus came back to life. 1556 01:17:02,570 --> 01:17:04,438 - Huddle up. Huddle up, everybody. 1557 01:17:04,438 --> 01:17:07,141 [dramatic acoustic music] 1558 01:17:07,141 --> 01:17:08,976 Are we the best actors in the world? 1559 01:17:08,976 --> 01:17:10,110 - Yes. - No. 1560 01:17:10,110 --> 01:17:11,478 - Oh. 1561 01:17:11,478 --> 01:17:13,948 - Those are literally always British people. 1562 01:17:13,948 --> 01:17:15,749 But I think we got this. 1563 01:17:15,749 --> 01:17:18,185 - Ladies and gentlemen, 1564 01:17:18,185 --> 01:17:20,921 local meteorologist 1565 01:17:20,921 --> 01:17:26,327 Inkeba Bathetois! 1566 01:17:26,327 --> 01:17:27,962 [cheers and applause] - Should be going on after us. 1567 01:17:27,962 --> 01:17:31,699 [acoustic guitar playing] - ♪ Oh, holy night ♪ 1568 01:17:31,699 --> 01:17:37,071 ♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪ 1569 01:17:37,071 --> 01:17:39,673 ♪ It is the night ♪ 1570 01:17:39,673 --> 01:17:44,044 ♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪ 1571 01:17:44,044 --> 01:17:46,046 ♪ ♪ 1572 01:17:46,046 --> 01:17:50,150 ♪ Oh, night ♪ 1573 01:17:50,150 --> 01:17:53,821 ♪ Divine ♪ 1574 01:17:53,821 --> 01:17:57,191 ♪ Oh, night ♪ 1575 01:17:57,191 --> 01:18:03,564 ♪ Oh, night divine ♪ 1576 01:18:03,564 --> 01:18:05,499 ♪ ♪ 1577 01:18:05,499 --> 01:18:07,935 - You know, she has a Peabody Award. 1578 01:18:07,935 --> 01:18:11,839 - ♪ Oh, night divine ♪ 1579 01:18:11,839 --> 01:18:14,575 [cheers and applause] 1580 01:18:16,669 --> 01:18:19,439 [sleigh bells jingling] [upbeat music] 1581 01:18:19,439 --> 01:18:21,074 ♪ ♪ 1582 01:18:21,074 --> 01:18:22,876 [gong rings] 1583 01:18:22,876 --> 01:18:26,045 [soft dramatic music] 1584 01:18:26,045 --> 01:18:27,580 ♪ ♪ 1585 01:18:27,580 --> 01:18:29,048 - Behold. 1586 01:18:29,048 --> 01:18:30,516 Behold. 1587 01:18:30,516 --> 01:18:35,321 Behold, behold, behold the greatest story ever told. 1588 01:18:35,321 --> 01:18:41,127 We now miraculously transform the Sierra Nugget Mall 1589 01:18:41,127 --> 01:18:45,498 to the town of Bethlehem! 1590 01:18:45,498 --> 01:18:45,802 And now, Rome hath commanded that a census be taken. 104509

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