Original subtitles

Welcome

to the Mayor's office.

You're just in time

to meet everyone

before we head home

to our loving families.

Plus, my mom's

new boyfriend, Blandon.

This guy who's disgusted

by my sandwich is Tommy,

our Chief Strategist.

- Why does it smell like

maple syrup plus hospital?

- And this woman over here

who's dressed like

she's gonna teach us about

jungle birds at Busch Gardens

is our Deputy Mayor, Arpi.

- I don't high-five anymore.

It appropriates pimp culture.

- In that office is Chief

of Staff, Mikaela,

up to some important

city biz no doubt.

- I just feel like there is

a lack of transparency

over how transparent

your leggings are.

- Ooh, and

this delicious silver fox

is the main man himself,

Mayor Neil Bremer.

It's the most wonderful time

of the year, sir.

- Oh, for me

that's the Buick classic.

But this is pretty good, too.

- And who am I?

Well, I'm just

little old Jayden,

and I make the sweet filling

for the Mayor's piehole.

I'm his

Communications Director.

- Seems like

a real fun ensemble.

Where do you want this?

- Happy holidays from LA!

[bright music]

*

- So do you think this'll be

a half-day or what?

- Oh, of course,

I mean, it's bad enough

the Mayor made us come in

on LA Christmas Eve.

- Christmas Eve?

It's the 22nd.

- Yeah, exactly, it's the three

to seven days before Christmas

when everyone leaves to go

celebrate someplace human.

- What?

LA Christmas is the best.

Everyone's all bundled up

in light sweaters

sitting on sexy Santa's lap

at the Beverly Center.

- No, thank you.

Hey, if my flight's at 4:00,

when should I leave for LAX?

- Do you have TSA PreCheck?

Oh, honey,

you're gonna die here.

- But if I miss that flight,

I have no backup plan.

Please, hot Filipino Jesus,

don't let me spend

Christmas in Los Angeles.

- Hey, look, I know

this isn't the first place

that everyone thinks of

when they think Christmas,

but it's because LA doesn't

have a good Christmas song,

which is why I have been

working on one for 15 years.

It's halfway done.

- Oh, you don't have

to sing it.

- Oh, are you--okay.

- * There's no snow in sight

* Say the weather folks

* And it's hard as a crotch

out in Sherman Oaks *

- Nuh-uh.

- Gonna be a no from me, dawg.

- Why are you all still here?

- Have we been released?

- No, what's the Mayor

waiting for?

- Oh, dear God,

this is a disaster.

- What?

- The gifts I ordered my staff

are delayed in transit.

- Why can't people just

get them when they get back?

- And think that I'm a chiseler

who bought them on sale

on the 26th?

No, no, no way.

You know, it's really hard

to be a wealthy person

this time of year.

- Dad, no.

- Everybody expects a gift.

Your staff, your housekeepers,

your masseuse, your pool guy,

the pool guy's son

who's just sort of around

once December starts.

- His name is Raphael,

and he's a grout artist.

- I know,

and I got him a cashmere beret.

When I was growing up, I didn't

get anything at Christmas.

- Because your family's Jewish.

- But also poor.

Oh, I spent so much time

and money getting everyone

monogrammed garment bags,

and now they're

not gonna make it.

- Monogrammed garment bags?

I'm not getting one, am I?

- Hey, sorry to interrupt,

but can either of you think

of a Christmassy word

that rhymes with horchata?

- Not now, Jayden.

- A little bent,

but I'll try it.

- Now I gotta get

something else here.

- People don't want

more things.

An experience is

way more meaningful,

like how we all went to Vegas

for Ceviche's birthday.

- Vegas?

When was that?

- Disney, Dad, better turn

your hearing thing up.

- An experience?

You know something?

That's helpful.

Thank you.

- No, Spirit Airlines.

The one time I need you

to be trash, you're on time?

- Hey, so if you end up

getting stuck here,

you're totally welcome

to pretend to be bi

and say you're my boyfriend

at my parents' house.

- What?

No.

- I can't take another

Christmas Eve

where I'm the only single adult

in my family.

I want someone to make

snide comments with

or kiss under the mistletoe,

our breath rich

with Andes mints and ham.

- Sorry, but I'm catching

my flight to PA,

and then I'm going to the Wawa

where "Mare of Easttown"

and my cousin Nico were shot.

- Oh, great.

Now this dill weed, Patrick,

City Council's videographer.

- Okay, tension.

- Of course, I'm tense.

That guy's the worst.

- Really?

He's giving me

sad Pa Ingalls vibes,

like after Mary goes blind.

I'm into it.

- There's definitely an energy

between you.

Like, you're the two

hottest people

at a Rite Aid, and you know it.

- No, man,

he's always been rude to me.

The day I got sworn

into City Council, I asked him

for a copy of the video,

and he told me he lost it.

And this is back when the tapes

were, like, this big, liar.

- Hey, does anyone have

a festive rhyme

for "Pink's Hot Dogs"?

- Twink's eggnogs.

- I am telling you Arpi,

this is the holiday romance

that we all need,

and I am gonna prove it to you.

- Stop pointing at him.

- Ms. Shaw, Department

of Transportation on line one.

- Oh, great, thanks.

Maybe they wanna French me

in my childhood bedroom.

- Everybody, I have

an announcement to make.

My personal gifts for you

will not be arriving

in time for the holidays.

So stick around because

I have a new gift coming,

an experience.

- Sir, a little issue,

you know how people here

dump their trees

on the curb by December 22nd

because everyone leaves because

LA Christmas is the worst?

- Yeah, no kidding.

- Well, apparently

the Santa Ana winds

are blowing the discarded trees

onto roads

and causing some

pretty severe traffic problems.

- Aha, see, that's what

messed up my garment bags.

- Oh no, we're getting

garment bags?

- Disgusting,

you know how many Angelenos

can't even afford

a Christmas tree

while rich scum

just throw them away.

- Okay, well,

you know, some rich scum

are doing their best.

Tommy, call sanitation, handle

this before you leave, please.

*

- Excuse me, Tommy Tomás

from the Mayor's office.

I couldn't find

anyone upstairs.

- Well, yeah, 'cause all

the bosses are gone already.

- Well, Cesar.

- Oh, good job reading

my name tag.

- We need teams dispatched ASAP

to remove discarded

Christmas trees.

- Yo, I saw that on the news.

Cars were bonking

like Mario Kart.

We can get some guys out,

but we're gonna need

quadruple overtime

for working on Christmas.

- But it's the 22nd.

- Yeah, which is LA

Christmas Eve.

All my best guys

are gone already.

They're in Tulum, Kauai,

Jackson Hole.

- Boy,

you guys make more than me.

- I'm down to my skeleton crew,

which is what I call my guys

with the weakest arms.

- Oh.

- If you want

the big boys back,

we're gonna need that quad.

- No, I can't authorize quad.

[phone buzzes]

Sir, the Mayor is not asking.

He's telling you

to do your jobs.

- And what am I supposed to do

with all those Christmas trees?

- I don't care where

you put them.

Just put them.

*

- I knew it.

- What?

It's just work.

- No, it's not.

All your footage is of Arpi.

This is the Keira Knightley

story in "Love Actually,"

the greatest

Christmas rom-com ever.

- No, "Elf."

- I told Arpi, I saw the way

you looked at her.

I knew it was love.

- Arpi knows who I am?

- Hey, you can't just sit here

pining after her.

Do something.

Learn Portuguese.

- What?

- I don't know.

Colin Firth does that.

I'm just excited.

- Whoa, my pine-scented candle

is getting it done.

Oh, wait, no,

it's all those Christmas trees.

- What the hell is this?

- Is it Christmas magic?

Wait, has anyone run into

a mysterious new janitor

that may or may not be Santa?

- Oh, come on, Sanitation.

You're dumping the trees here?

Hey, tell your boss, this is

like a baby saying curse words,

not cute, not funny.

.

- Every Christmas,

the office empties out,

and I get real work done.

When are you letting

these turkeys go home?

- As soon as I dazzle everyone

with my generosity.

Do you like this time of year?

- Part of it, pfeffernuesse,

that Mariah Carey song,

"Touch My Body."

- It really stresses me out.

I feel like

I'm never doing enough.

- That's because you've bought

into the consumer's perversion

of the Christian rip-off

of a pagan

solstice celebration.

- Okay, road closed, withdrawn.

- Arpi, a Christmas miracle

is happening.

The footage, Patrick's footage.

It's all you.

He's, like, obsessed with you.

- I'll call security.

- No, no, Arpi,

don't you get it?

You're in a Christmas rom-com.

- What's Christmas got

to do with romance?

There's nothing romantic

about pushing out a baby

in a donkey stall.

- All I've ever wanted my whole

post-puberty life

was to be in love at Christmas.

And if we are

in a "Love Actually,"

I'm, like,

lucky if I'm the woman trying

to steal Snape

from Emma Thompson.

I have nothing, Arpi.

I need you

to take this seriously.

Patrick is in love with you,

and now you get

to do what Keira Knightley

couldn't pull off

back in the day.

And I don't mean low-rise

jeans with a bralette.

- I just want the office

to myself so I can work,

and now I'm dealing

with this moon-eyed nonsense?

- Yes, yes, a million times.

Yes.

- Whoa, hey, stop!

Why are you doing this?

- Hey, you told me

you didn't care

where we put the trees, so...

[whistles]

- Come on, man.

We're in the same boat here.

Look, I will figure out how

to get you double overtime.

Deal?

- All right, deal,

my new friend, Tommy.

- Glad to hear it,

my new friend...

Oh, God,

what's his name?

I know it's a kind of salad.

Caprese.

- Caprese, what the hell?

And I remembered his name.

- Not cool.

[soft music]

- Hey, everyone,

gather around please,

and prepare yourself

for the mind-blowing mentalism

of Mr. Taryn DiGiacomo.

Ha!

Okay, now you may

have seen Taryn's

incredible streaming special,

"Mind Jacker: Wondermind,"

or if you were like me,

you had the privilege

of seeing him work up close

and personal at Eric Schmidt's

60th birthday party.

- Why would I have been there?

- Linda,

I don't know your life.

Anyway, I was able

to book him last minute

to perform for us today.

It's--well,

it's my gift to you.

And you'll still be getting

the monogrammed garment bags

sometime in the new year.

- Monogrammed?

I can't re-gift that.

- The heart is a muscle.

The brain is a muscle.

- Not true.

- The more I use my heart,

the more my brain

can know about you.

You sir, how many meals

have you had today?

- One.

- And how many wings

do birds have?

- Nine.

- And how old

would you say I am?

- Oh, that feels like a trap.

- Hmm, is this the address

of your childhood home?

- Yes, can I get on a plane

and go there now, please?

*

- "You should have gotten

TSA PreCheck."

- You see, it's magic,

but it's also funny.

All right, just leave.

- You sir, what is your name?

- Guess.

- Well, you're too old

to be a Jayden.

- Oh, my gosh,

you're exactly right, I am.

This guy is

the real deal, folks.

- Also, your heart didn't beat

that entire time.

I'd get that checked out.

- Thank you.

- Oh.

"Because it's LA Christmas,

and at Christmas,

you tell the truth."

- What?

That's not a thing.

- "I have loved you from afar,

"but you always felt so close

because of my zoom lens."

- Oh, brudder.

- No, this happens to

Keira Knightley in the movie.

- The guy holds signs

at close range like this?

- So her husband

won't hear, yes.

- Why doesn't he need

just whisper?

Why risk getting caught holding

a stack of incriminating signs?

- Hey, guys, quiet.

He's about to guess

Orly's favorite restaurant?

- Is it Matsuhisa Aspen?

- Yeah, but isn't that

everyone's favorite restaurant?

Sorry, I hear it.

*

- Damn you, Cobb.

- I'm getting corn, or masa.

Look at your phone.

[phone chimes]

- She just got a text.

Right when he said that.

- It's my grandchildren

making tamales.

Usually, I'm there by now.

Can I go?

- Yeah, once the sad guy

says things to us,

are we allowed to go?

- No because he does

a really cool thing

with everyone at the end

that's gonna make us

all feel connected.

Taryn, what's next, buddy?

- Intermission.

Do you have

to take the intermission?

.

[soft music]

- Hello, Taryn.

- Oh, I'm kind of

on a break now.

- Okay, well, you're not

a very good mentalist.

You don't remember

that we matched

a couple years ago on Bumble,

and then you never answered.

- Uh-huh.

- Well, here's another chance.

My family does

this Christmas thing.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I met someone on there,

and we're married now.

She's a retired ballerina.

Her breasts got too large

to continue dancing.

- Oh, well, good for you.

Best wishes.

One more thing,

will I find love

in the coming year?

- I'm not a psychic.

I'm a mentalist.

But just like, as a person,

I will say you

vibrate desperation.

- Oh, thank you

for your feedback.

- Happy holidays.

- Mikaela, wait.

You were right.

I'm gonna go for it

with Patrick

because love is possible.

- Arpi, yes, yes, run to him!

Run as fast

as your bone density allows.

[dramatic music]

- Why are you being

so mean to me?

I thought we were friends.

- Me too, bro.

And you didn't

even know my name.

Now you're gonna know it.

'Cause it's spelled out

on your car in pine sap.

[phone buzzes]

- Well, I just

missed my flight.

I hope you're happy.

All I wanted to do

was get home to my Lola,

sit on her

plastic-covered couch,

and eat bebinca together,

and this was my last chance.

She's not dying, I just plan

on doing keto in the new year.

- Nah, nah, nah.

I'm the mean character here.

Okay, I hate Christmas time

because in this time of giving,

nobody ever thinks about us.

We're invisible elves.

Just one day, one day,

I'd like to feel like Santa.

- Yeah, well,

I might have an idea

that would make being in LA

for Christmas

slightly less than terrible

and let you be Santa.

[upbeat music]

- Patrick, wait!

There's a woman

watching us right now

for that building behind us.

That woman thinks everything

you did today was romantic

because she's been brainwashed

by some British people.

What you did today is

not romantic, it's weird.

And "Love Actually" sounds like

a deeply problematic movie.

One of the stories

is Bilbo Baggins

shooting a porno on Christmas.

- But, Arpi,

I just wanna film you forever.

- Listen to yourself, man.

Look, I hate all of this,

but I care deeply

about my friend up there,

and I want her to believe that

love actually exists actually,

so this is for her.

*

Now I'm gonna whisper a list

of free mental health resources

available through city funding

because you need serious help.

*

- I don't really work here.

- [sighs]

- Leslie, eyes on Taryn.

- Okay, listen.

Tough love right now.

Dad, you're bad at gifts.

- What?

What about that beautiful

candelabra I got you?

- I was nine and not Liberace.

And don't bring up

the dollhouse when you said

I couldn't touch it

because it was an antique

that had belonged

to French royalty.

- Because it did.

And you shouldn't.

- You're super generous,

but Christmas makes you weird.

Just let all these people

go home.

- The queen of diamonds

is in your mouth, sir.

- Oh, hey.

All right, there Taryn.

Thank you so much.

That'll be enough.

All right, everybody,

go on home.

[cheers and applause]

But you know what?

You all are ungrateful.

Do you have any idea

how much time I spent

picking the monogram fonts

on those garment bags?

I found out all

of your middle names!

Yeah, Anna, Anna, Eduardo,

Anna, Moon-system.

But you don't appreciate that!

And yes, it stinks

to be poor at Christmas.

No one wants to hear this,

but it really stinks

for millionaires.

- Okay, thanks for watching--

- It does.

- Don't forget

to smash that like button.

- Tell you what?

Go on, go home.

Seriously, go on.

Get out of here.

Take these stupid trees

with you.

[dramatic music]

*

- Not me,

I don't do fire stuff.

- My words, my beautiful words!

- Oh, no.

- My song is gone,

and I never got to sing it.

- Jayden, I am so sorry.

- You've made a fool out of me.

And you've made the life

I lead foolish, too.

.

- [gasps]

I told you,

love is all around us.

- You were right, and now

Patrick and I are lovers.

Thanks.

- Hey, Arpi, can I talk

to you for a minute?

I feel like I've ruined

everyone's Christmas.

- Yes, sir.

What's your question?

- Why am I so terrible at this?

Every year I go all out.

I try to dazzle people.

- Well, there it is.

You're trying to show off,

instead of thinking about

what people really want.

You know what

I just gave Mikaela?

I kissed a weirdo

because that's what she needed.

Giving a good gift isn't

about what you want.

It's about

what the recipient wants.

- Of course.

Oh, my God, it's like sex.

Why haven't I ever connected

this before?

- Probably because it's

mostly a holiday for children.

- No, but I get it.

I really get it.

Hey, everyone, hey, listen up.

I am sorry that I made today

about me

instead of about your pleasure.

- Oh, gross, sir,

but we all forgive you.

- Thanks, Tommy,

yeah, not Jayden.

I destroyed his Christmas song.

No amount of money

is gonna bring that back.

- Wait, can you call

Taryn DiGiacomo?

I mean, maybe he can--

- Use his mental powers

to guess the lost lyrics?

Yes, I'm still here

because my Lyft canceled

because traffic's a mess.

- Flag on the play.

No one goes home.

- Damn it, man.

- Hey, can you do that?

Can you mentalize

Jayden's song back?

- Again, I'm not a psychic.

I just read body language.

Okay, some of what I do

involves hiding microphones

in bathrooms,

but I did not do that here

because it was

too short notice.

- How are you married

and I'm not?

- What I do do is thin-slice

people by asking questions.

For example,

if the guy was here,

I would ask, "Jayden,

what's your favorite color?"

all: Yellow.

- 'Cause minions.

- Jayden, what's a three-digit

number that's important to you?

All: Seven, eight, nine.

- It's why six is

afraid of seven.

Boy, we know that kid

really well, don't we?

- You know what?

Maybe I can do this.

Maybe Taryn DiGiacomo

can finally prove

to his father

that mentalism is a valued--

- Taryn, you're not

the main character.

Orly, get some paper.

[soft music]

- Stop prank knocking!

I know you're retired,

but you have to find

a new hobby, Mrs. Chen!

- Jayden, we've got

something for you.

- * There's no snow in sight

say the weather folks *

* It's still hot as a crotch

out in Sherman Oaks *

* But the fires have died and

there's a little less smoke *

* Now it's Christmas in LA

* There's no Jack Frost

nipping your redone nose *

* But no one will ask

why your forehead's froze *

* And that filler sure

makes your cheekbones glow *

* Yes, it's Christmas in LA

[together]

* In LA

- * There's a fistfight

at the Trader Joe's on Vine *

* And a pileup on the ten

* They found a human head

by the Hollywood sign *

* It's Christmas Eve again

[together]

* Eve again

[soft music]

- Is that your song?

- No, but I loved

every word of it.

*

- * We may not have ice skates

or sleds that soar *

* But we've got horchata

and Pauly Shore *

* Grab a Pink's hot dog

* Drink a twink's eggnog,

for its Christmastime LA *

* It may not be the ushe,

but if I can choose *

* I'd still spend my Christmas

here with you *

*

- It's ashing!

- Good night, everybody!

- Good night!