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Welcome
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to the Mayor's office.
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You're just in time
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to meet everyone
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before we head home
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to our loving families.
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Plus, my mom's
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new boyfriend, Blandon.
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This guy who's disgusted
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by my sandwich is Tommy,
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our Chief Strategist.
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- Why does it smell like
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maple syrup plus hospital?
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- And this woman over here
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who's dressed like
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she's gonna teach us about
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jungle birds at Busch Gardens
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is our Deputy Mayor, Arpi.
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- I don't high-five anymore.
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It appropriates pimp culture.
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- In that office is Chief
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of Staff, Mikaela,
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up to some important
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city biz no doubt.
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- I just feel like there is
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a lack of transparency
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over how transparent
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your leggings are.
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- Ooh, and
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this delicious silver fox
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is the main man himself,
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Mayor Neil Bremer.
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It's the most wonderful time
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of the year, sir.
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- Oh, for me
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that's the Buick classic.
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But this is pretty good, too.
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- And who am I?
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Well, I'm just
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little old Jayden,
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and I make the sweet filling
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for the Mayor's piehole.
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I'm his
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Communications Director.
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- Seems like
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a real fun ensemble.
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Where do you want this?
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- Happy holidays from LA!
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[bright music]
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*
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- So do you think this'll be
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a half-day or what?
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- Oh, of course,
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I mean, it's bad enough
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the Mayor made us come in
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on LA Christmas Eve.
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- Christmas Eve?
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It's the 22nd.
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- Yeah, exactly, it's the three
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to seven days before Christmas
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when everyone leaves to go
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celebrate someplace human.
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- What?
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LA Christmas is the best.
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Everyone's all bundled up
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in light sweaters
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sitting on sexy Santa's lap
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at the Beverly Center.
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- No, thank you.
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Hey, if my flight's at 4:00,
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when should I leave for LAX?
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- Do you have TSA PreCheck?
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Oh, honey,
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you're gonna die here.
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- But if I miss that flight,
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I have no backup plan.
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Please, hot Filipino Jesus,
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don't let me spend
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Christmas in Los Angeles.
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- Hey, look, I know
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this isn't the first place
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that everyone thinks of
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when they think Christmas,
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but it's because LA doesn't
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have a good Christmas song,
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which is why I have been
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working on one for 15 years.
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It's halfway done.
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- Oh, you don't have
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to sing it.
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- Oh, are you--okay.
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- * There's no snow in sight
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* Say the weather folks
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* And it's hard as a crotch
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out in Sherman Oaks *
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- Nuh-uh.
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- Gonna be a no from me, dawg.
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- Why are you all still here?
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- Have we been released?
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- No, what's the Mayor
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waiting for?
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- Oh, dear God,
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this is a disaster.
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- What?
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- The gifts I ordered my staff
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are delayed in transit.
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- Why can't people just
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get them when they get back?
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- And think that I'm a chiseler
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who bought them on sale
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on the 26th?
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No, no, no way.
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You know, it's really hard
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to be a wealthy person
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this time of year.
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- Dad, no.
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- Everybody expects a gift.
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Your staff, your housekeepers,
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your masseuse, your pool guy,
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the pool guy's son
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who's just sort of around
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once December starts.
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- His name is Raphael,
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and he's a grout artist.
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- I know,
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and I got him a cashmere beret.
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When I was growing up, I didn't
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get anything at Christmas.
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- Because your family's Jewish.
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- But also poor.
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Oh, I spent so much time
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and money getting everyone
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monogrammed garment bags,
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and now they're
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not gonna make it.
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- Monogrammed garment bags?
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I'm not getting one, am I?
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- Hey, sorry to interrupt,
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but can either of you think
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of a Christmassy word
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that rhymes with horchata?
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- Not now, Jayden.
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- A little bent,
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but I'll try it.
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- Now I gotta get
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something else here.
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- People don't want
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more things.
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An experience is
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way more meaningful,
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like how we all went to Vegas
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for Ceviche's birthday.
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- Vegas?
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When was that?
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- Disney, Dad, better turn
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your hearing thing up.
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- An experience?
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You know something?
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That's helpful.
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Thank you.
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- No, Spirit Airlines.
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The one time I need you
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to be trash, you're on time?
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- Hey, so if you end up
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getting stuck here,
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you're totally welcome
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to pretend to be bi
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and say you're my boyfriend
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at my parents' house.
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- What?
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No.
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- I can't take another
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Christmas Eve
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where I'm the only single adult
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in my family.
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I want someone to make
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snide comments with
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or kiss under the mistletoe,
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our breath rich
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with Andes mints and ham.
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- Sorry, but I'm catching
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my flight to PA,
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and then I'm going to the Wawa
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where "Mare of Easttown"
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and my cousin Nico were shot.
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- Oh, great.
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Now this dill weed, Patrick,
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City Council's videographer.
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- Okay, tension.
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- Of course, I'm tense.
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That guy's the worst.
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- Really?
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He's giving me
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sad Pa Ingalls vibes,
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like after Mary goes blind.
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I'm into it.
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- There's definitely an energy
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between you.
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Like, you're the two
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hottest people
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at a Rite Aid, and you know it.
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- No, man,
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he's always been rude to me.
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The day I got sworn
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into City Council, I asked him
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for a copy of the video,
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and he told me he lost it.
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And this is back when the tapes
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were, like, this big, liar.
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- Hey, does anyone have
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a festive rhyme
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for "Pink's Hot Dogs"?
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- Twink's eggnogs.
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- I am telling you Arpi,
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this is the holiday romance
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that we all need,
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and I am gonna prove it to you.
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- Stop pointing at him.
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- Ms. Shaw, Department
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of Transportation on line one.
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- Oh, great, thanks.
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Maybe they wanna French me
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in my childhood bedroom.
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- Everybody, I have
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an announcement to make.
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My personal gifts for you
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will not be arriving
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in time for the holidays.
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So stick around because
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I have a new gift coming,
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an experience.
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- Sir, a little issue,
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you know how people here
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dump their trees
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on the curb by December 22nd
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because everyone leaves because
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LA Christmas is the worst?
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- Yeah, no kidding.
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- Well, apparently
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the Santa Ana winds
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are blowing the discarded trees
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onto roads
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and causing some
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pretty severe traffic problems.
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- Aha, see, that's what
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messed up my garment bags.
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- Oh no, we're getting
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garment bags?
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- Disgusting,
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you know how many Angelenos
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can't even afford
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a Christmas tree
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while rich scum
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just throw them away.
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- Okay, well,
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you know, some rich scum
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are doing their best.
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Tommy, call sanitation, handle
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this before you leave, please.
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*
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- Excuse me, Tommy Tomás
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from the Mayor's office.
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I couldn't find
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anyone upstairs.
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- Well, yeah, 'cause all
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the bosses are gone already.
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- Well, Cesar.
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- Oh, good job reading
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my name tag.
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- We need teams dispatched ASAP
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to remove discarded
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Christmas trees.
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- Yo, I saw that on the news.
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Cars were bonking
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like Mario Kart.
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We can get some guys out,
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but we're gonna need
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quadruple overtime
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for working on Christmas.
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- But it's the 22nd.
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- Yeah, which is LA
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Christmas Eve.
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All my best guys
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are gone already.
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They're in Tulum, Kauai,
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Jackson Hole.
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- Boy,
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you guys make more than me.
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- I'm down to my skeleton crew,
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which is what I call my guys
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with the weakest arms.
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- Oh.
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- If you want
294
00:06:27,550 --> 00:06:28,430
the big boys back,
295
00:06:28,550 --> 00:06:29,970
we're gonna need that quad.
296
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:33,600
- No, I can't authorize quad.
297
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:33,600
[phone buzzes]
298
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,600
Sir, the Mayor is not asking.
299
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:39,190
He's telling you
300
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:39,190
to do your jobs.
301
00:06:39,350 --> 00:06:40,940
- And what am I supposed to do
302
00:06:39,350 --> 00:06:40,940
with all those Christmas trees?
303
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,520
- I don't care where
304
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,520
you put them.
305
00:06:42,690 --> 00:06:45,110
Just put them.
306
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:49,320
*
307
00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:50,740
- I knew it.
308
00:06:50,900 --> 00:06:52,120
- What?
309
00:06:50,900 --> 00:06:52,120
It's just work.
310
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,490
- No, it's not.
311
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,490
All your footage is of Arpi.
312
00:06:55,660 --> 00:06:57,950
This is the Keira Knightley
313
00:06:55,660 --> 00:06:57,950
story in "Love Actually,"
314
00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,910
the greatest
315
00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,910
Christmas rom-com ever.
316
00:07:00,860 --> 00:07:00,960
- No, "Elf."
317
00:07:02,170 --> 00:07:03,500
- I told Arpi, I saw the way
318
00:07:02,170 --> 00:07:03,500
you looked at her.
319
00:07:03,670 --> 00:07:04,880
I knew it was love.
320
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,520
- Arpi knows who I am?
321
00:07:07,210 --> 00:07:09,720
- Hey, you can't just sit here
322
00:07:07,210 --> 00:07:09,720
pining after her.
323
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,840
Do something.
324
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,840
Learn Portuguese.
325
00:07:12,150 --> 00:07:12,680
- What?
326
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,640
- I don't know.
327
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,640
Colin Firth does that.
328
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,140
I'm just excited.
329
00:07:18,310 --> 00:07:22,310
- Whoa, my pine-scented candle
330
00:07:18,310 --> 00:07:22,310
is getting it done.
331
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,520
Oh, wait, no,
332
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,520
it's all those Christmas trees.
333
00:07:24,650 --> 00:07:25,820
- What the hell is this?
334
00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:27,980
- Is it Christmas magic?
335
00:07:28,150 --> 00:07:30,700
Wait, has anyone run into
336
00:07:28,150 --> 00:07:30,700
a mysterious new janitor
337
00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:32,530
that may or may not be Santa?
338
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:35,620
- Oh, come on, Sanitation.
339
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:35,620
You're dumping the trees here?
340
00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:38,750
Hey, tell your boss, this is
341
00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:38,750
like a baby saying curse words,
342
00:07:38,910 --> 00:07:40,910
not cute, not funny.
343
00:07:49,170 --> 00:07:49,340
.
344
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,550
- Every Christmas,
345
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,550
the office empties out,
346
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:53,840
and I get real work done.
347
00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:55,850
When are you letting
348
00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:55,850
these turkeys go home?
349
00:07:56,170 --> 00:07:59,350
- As soon as I dazzle everyone
350
00:07:56,170 --> 00:07:59,350
with my generosity.
351
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,140
Do you like this time of year?
352
00:08:01,310 --> 00:08:03,850
- Part of it, pfeffernuesse,
353
00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,480
that Mariah Carey song,
354
00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,480
"Touch My Body."
355
00:08:06,650 --> 00:08:08,480
- It really stresses me out.
356
00:08:08,650 --> 00:08:11,150
I feel like
357
00:08:08,650 --> 00:08:11,150
I'm never doing enough.
358
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,530
- That's because you've bought
359
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,530
into the consumer's perversion
360
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:14,820
of the Christian rip-off
361
00:08:14,990 --> 00:08:16,700
of a pagan
362
00:08:14,990 --> 00:08:16,700
solstice celebration.
363
00:08:16,870 --> 00:08:18,700
- Okay, road closed, withdrawn.
364
00:08:18,870 --> 00:08:20,950
- Arpi, a Christmas miracle
365
00:08:18,870 --> 00:08:20,950
is happening.
366
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:24,420
The footage, Patrick's footage.
367
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:24,420
It's all you.
368
00:08:24,580 --> 00:08:27,700
He's, like, obsessed with you.
369
00:08:24,580 --> 00:08:27,700
- I'll call security.
370
00:08:27,170 --> 00:08:28,880
- No, no, Arpi,
371
00:08:27,170 --> 00:08:28,880
don't you get it?
372
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,720
You're in a Christmas rom-com.
373
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,630
- What's Christmas got
374
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,630
to do with romance?
375
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,150
There's nothing romantic
376
00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:37,640
about pushing out a baby
377
00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:37,640
in a donkey stall.
378
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,560
- All I've ever wanted my whole
379
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,560
post-puberty life
380
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,210
was to be in love at Christmas.
381
00:08:41,180 --> 00:08:43,270
And if we are
382
00:08:41,180 --> 00:08:43,270
in a "Love Actually,"
383
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,660
I'm, like,
384
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,660
lucky if I'm the woman trying
385
00:08:45,230 --> 00:08:46,440
to steal Snape
386
00:08:45,230 --> 00:08:46,440
from Emma Thompson.
387
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:47,730
I have nothing, Arpi.
388
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:49,190
I need you
389
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:49,190
to take this seriously.
390
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,720
Patrick is in love with you,
391
00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:52,740
and now you get
392
00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:52,740
to do what Keira Knightley
393
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,610
couldn't pull off
394
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,610
back in the day.
395
00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:56,820
And I don't mean low-rise
396
00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:56,820
jeans with a bralette.
397
00:08:56,950 --> 00:08:58,990
- I just want the office
398
00:08:56,950 --> 00:08:58,990
to myself so I can work,
399
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,490
and now I'm dealing
400
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,490
with this moon-eyed nonsense?
401
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:05,250
- Yes, yes, a million times.
402
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:05,250
Yes.
403
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:08,920
- Whoa, hey, stop!
404
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:08,920
Why are you doing this?
405
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,300
- Hey, you told me
406
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,300
you didn't care
407
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,300
where we put the trees, so...
408
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,300
[whistles]
409
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:16,970
- Come on, man.
410
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:16,970
We're in the same boat here.
411
00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:19,890
Look, I will figure out how
412
00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:19,890
to get you double overtime.
413
00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:22,620
Deal?
414
00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:25,560
- All right, deal,
415
00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:25,560
my new friend, Tommy.
416
00:09:25,730 --> 00:09:28,940
- Glad to hear it,
417
00:09:25,730 --> 00:09:28,940
my new friend...
418
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,940
Oh, God,
419
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,940
what's his name?
420
00:09:31,110 --> 00:09:32,610
I know it's a kind of salad.
421
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,490
Caprese.
422
00:09:35,610 --> 00:09:38,530
- Caprese, what the hell?
423
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:40,240
And I remembered his name.
424
00:09:40,410 --> 00:09:41,660
- Not cool.
425
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:44,160
[soft music]
426
00:09:44,330 --> 00:09:46,210
- Hey, everyone,
427
00:09:44,330 --> 00:09:46,210
gather around please,
428
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:50,590
and prepare yourself
429
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:50,590
for the mind-blowing mentalism
430
00:09:50,750 --> 00:09:54,260
of Mr. Taryn DiGiacomo.
431
00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:55,760
Ha!
432
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,180
Okay, now you may
433
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,180
have seen Taryn's
434
00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:02,600
incredible streaming special,
435
00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:02,600
"Mind Jacker: Wondermind,"
436
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,140
or if you were like me,
437
00:10:04,310 --> 00:10:07,310
you had the privilege
438
00:10:04,310 --> 00:10:07,310
of seeing him work up close
439
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:11,820
and personal at Eric Schmidt's
440
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:11,820
60th birthday party.
441
00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:13,400
- Why would I have been there?
442
00:10:13,570 --> 00:10:14,980
- Linda,
443
00:10:13,570 --> 00:10:14,980
I don't know your life.
444
00:10:15,150 --> 00:10:17,780
Anyway, I was able
445
00:10:15,150 --> 00:10:17,780
to book him last minute
446
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,610
to perform for us today.
447
00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:23,330
It's--well,
448
00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:23,330
it's my gift to you.
449
00:10:23,450 --> 00:10:27,430
And you'll still be getting
450
00:10:23,450 --> 00:10:27,430
the monogrammed garment bags
451
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,580
sometime in the new year.
452
00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:30,920
- Monogrammed?
453
00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:30,920
I can't re-gift that.
454
00:10:31,470 --> 00:10:34,590
- The heart is a muscle.
455
00:10:31,470 --> 00:10:34,590
The brain is a muscle.
456
00:10:34,750 --> 00:10:35,760
- Not true.
457
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,880
- The more I use my heart,
458
00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:40,390
the more my brain
459
00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:40,390
can know about you.
460
00:10:40,550 --> 00:10:44,350
You sir, how many meals
461
00:10:40,550 --> 00:10:44,350
have you had today?
462
00:10:44,510 --> 00:10:45,850
- One.
463
00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:48,560
- And how many wings
464
00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:48,560
do birds have?
465
00:10:48,730 --> 00:10:50,980
- Nine.
466
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,770
- And how old
467
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,770
would you say I am?
468
00:10:52,940 --> 00:10:54,440
- Oh, that feels like a trap.
469
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:58,400
- Hmm, is this the address
470
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:58,400
of your childhood home?
471
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:02,160
- Yes, can I get on a plane
472
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:02,160
and go there now, please?
473
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:07,000
*
474
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,210
- "You should have gotten
475
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,210
TSA PreCheck."
476
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,830
- You see, it's magic,
477
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,830
but it's also funny.
478
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:14,700
All right, just leave.
479
00:11:14,170 --> 00:11:16,900
- You sir, what is your name?
480
00:11:16,130 --> 00:11:18,920
- Guess.
481
00:11:19,950 --> 00:11:21,560
- Well, you're too old
482
00:11:19,950 --> 00:11:21,560
to be a Jayden.
483
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,160
- Oh, my gosh,
484
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,160
you're exactly right, I am.
485
00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:24,970
This guy is
486
00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:24,970
the real deal, folks.
487
00:11:25,140 --> 00:11:26,680
- Also, your heart didn't beat
488
00:11:25,140 --> 00:11:26,680
that entire time.
489
00:11:26,850 --> 00:11:28,630
I'd get that checked out.
490
00:11:26,850 --> 00:11:28,630
- Thank you.
491
00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:30,230
- Oh.
492
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:33,100
"Because it's LA Christmas,
493
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:33,100
and at Christmas,
494
00:11:33,270 --> 00:11:34,110
you tell the truth."
495
00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:36,400
- What?
496
00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:36,400
That's not a thing.
497
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:39,490
- "I have loved you from afar,
498
00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:43,280
"but you always felt so close
499
00:11:43,450 --> 00:11:45,160
because of my zoom lens."
500
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,450
- Oh, brudder.
501
00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:49,160
- No, this happens to
502
00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:49,160
Keira Knightley in the movie.
503
00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:51,790
- The guy holds signs
504
00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:51,790
at close range like this?
505
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,790
- So her husband
506
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,790
won't hear, yes.
507
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,340
- Why doesn't he need
508
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,340
just whisper?
509
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:59,300
Why risk getting caught holding
510
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:59,300
a stack of incriminating signs?
511
00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:01,960
- Hey, guys, quiet.
512
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:04,300
He's about to guess
513
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:04,300
Orly's favorite restaurant?
514
00:12:04,430 --> 00:12:07,640
- Is it Matsuhisa Aspen?
515
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,140
- Yeah, but isn't that
516
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,140
everyone's favorite restaurant?
517
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:12,650
Sorry, I hear it.
518
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:19,110
*
519
00:12:19,230 --> 00:12:20,530
- Damn you, Cobb.
520
00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:23,780
- I'm getting corn, or masa.
521
00:12:23,950 --> 00:12:25,820
Look at your phone.
522
00:12:23,950 --> 00:12:25,820
[phone chimes]
523
00:12:25,990 --> 00:12:27,990
- She just got a text.
524
00:12:25,990 --> 00:12:27,990
Right when he said that.
525
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,790
- It's my grandchildren
526
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,790
making tamales.
527
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,300
Usually, I'm there by now.
528
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,300
Can I go?
529
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,460
- Yeah, once the sad guy
530
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,460
says things to us,
531
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:35,920
are we allowed to go?
532
00:12:36,470 --> 00:12:37,670
- No because he does
533
00:12:36,470 --> 00:12:37,670
a really cool thing
534
00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:39,170
with everyone at the end
535
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:41,110
that's gonna make us
536
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:41,110
all feel connected.
537
00:12:41,130 --> 00:12:42,510
Taryn, what's next, buddy?
538
00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:45,560
- Intermission.
539
00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,390
Do you have
540
00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,390
to take the intermission?
541
00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:53,350
.
542
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,690
[soft music]
543
00:12:58,270 --> 00:12:59,270
- Hello, Taryn.
544
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,820
- Oh, I'm kind of
545
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,820
on a break now.
546
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,320
- Okay, well, you're not
547
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,320
a very good mentalist.
548
00:13:03,490 --> 00:13:05,450
You don't remember
549
00:13:03,490 --> 00:13:05,450
that we matched
550
00:13:05,610 --> 00:13:08,530
a couple years ago on Bumble,
551
00:13:05,610 --> 00:13:08,530
and then you never answered.
552
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,160
- Uh-huh.
553
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,160
- Well, here's another chance.
554
00:13:11,330 --> 00:13:12,910
My family does
555
00:13:11,330 --> 00:13:12,910
this Christmas thing.
556
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:14,710
- Oh, I'm sorry.
557
00:13:14,870 --> 00:13:16,580
I met someone on there,
558
00:13:14,870 --> 00:13:16,580
and we're married now.
559
00:13:16,750 --> 00:13:18,500
She's a retired ballerina.
560
00:13:18,670 --> 00:13:21,510
Her breasts got too large
561
00:13:18,670 --> 00:13:21,510
to continue dancing.
562
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:25,550
- Oh, well, good for you.
563
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:25,550
Best wishes.
564
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,680
One more thing,
565
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,890
will I find love
566
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,890
in the coming year?
567
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,810
- I'm not a psychic.
568
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,810
I'm a mentalist.
569
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:37,350
But just like, as a person,
570
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:41,860
I will say you
571
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:41,860
vibrate desperation.
572
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:45,400
- Oh, thank you
573
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:45,400
for your feedback.
574
00:13:45,570 --> 00:13:47,320
- Happy holidays.
575
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,830
- Mikaela, wait.
576
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,830
You were right.
577
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,410
I'm gonna go for it
578
00:13:56,580 --> 00:13:58,460
with Patrick
579
00:13:56,580 --> 00:13:58,460
because love is possible.
580
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:01,420
- Arpi, yes, yes, run to him!
581
00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:04,960
Run as fast
582
00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:04,960
as your bone density allows.
583
00:14:05,130 --> 00:14:07,380
[dramatic music]
584
00:14:07,550 --> 00:14:08,930
- Why are you being
585
00:14:07,550 --> 00:14:08,930
so mean to me?
586
00:14:09,990 --> 00:14:10,850
I thought we were friends.
587
00:14:09,990 --> 00:14:10,850
- Me too, bro.
588
00:14:11,170 --> 00:14:13,100
And you didn't
589
00:14:11,170 --> 00:14:13,100
even know my name.
590
00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:14,810
Now you're gonna know it.
591
00:14:14,970 --> 00:14:16,730
'Cause it's spelled out
592
00:14:14,970 --> 00:14:16,730
on your car in pine sap.
593
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:18,270
[phone buzzes]
594
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,190
- Well, I just
595
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,190
missed my flight.
596
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:23,860
I hope you're happy.
597
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,530
All I wanted to do
598
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,530
was get home to my Lola,
599
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,450
sit on her
600
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,450
plastic-covered couch,
601
00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:31,620
and eat bebinca together,
602
00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:31,620
and this was my last chance.
603
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,410
She's not dying, I just plan
604
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,410
on doing keto in the new year.
605
00:14:33,580 --> 00:14:35,790
- Nah, nah, nah.
606
00:14:33,580 --> 00:14:35,790
I'm the mean character here.
607
00:14:35,910 --> 00:14:38,870
Okay, I hate Christmas time
608
00:14:35,910 --> 00:14:38,870
because in this time of giving,
609
00:14:39,450 --> 00:14:40,330
nobody ever thinks about us.
610
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,700
We're invisible elves.
611
00:14:42,170 --> 00:14:44,750
Just one day, one day,
612
00:14:42,170 --> 00:14:44,750
I'd like to feel like Santa.
613
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,260
- Yeah, well,
614
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,260
I might have an idea
615
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:48,930
that would make being in LA
616
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:48,930
for Christmas
617
00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:51,760
slightly less than terrible
618
00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:51,760
and let you be Santa.
619
00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:54,100
[upbeat music]
620
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:57,680
- Patrick, wait!
621
00:14:57,850 --> 00:15:00,770
There's a woman
622
00:14:57,850 --> 00:15:00,770
watching us right now
623
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,690
for that building behind us.
624
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,190
That woman thinks everything
625
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,190
you did today was romantic
626
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,610
because she's been brainwashed
627
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,610
by some British people.
628
00:15:08,780 --> 00:15:10,990
What you did today is
629
00:15:08,780 --> 00:15:10,990
not romantic, it's weird.
630
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:14,410
And "Love Actually" sounds like
631
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:14,410
a deeply problematic movie.
632
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,240
One of the stories
633
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,240
is Bilbo Baggins
634
00:15:16,410 --> 00:15:18,790
shooting a porno on Christmas.
635
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,500
- But, Arpi,
636
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,500
I just wanna film you forever.
637
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:25,170
- Listen to yourself, man.
638
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,510
Look, I hate all of this,
639
00:15:27,670 --> 00:15:28,880
but I care deeply
640
00:15:27,670 --> 00:15:28,880
about my friend up there,
641
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:33,990
and I want her to believe that
642
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:33,990
love actually exists actually,
643
00:15:33,260 --> 00:15:34,640
so this is for her.
644
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:40,940
*
645
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:44,690
Now I'm gonna whisper a list
646
00:15:44,230 --> 00:15:48,400
of free mental health resources
647
00:15:44,230 --> 00:15:48,400
available through city funding
648
00:15:48,570 --> 00:15:50,570
because you need serious help.
649
00:15:50,740 --> 00:15:52,410
*
650
00:15:52,570 --> 00:15:53,700
- I don't really work here.
651
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:56,790
- [sighs]
652
00:15:56,950 --> 00:15:59,370
- Leslie, eyes on Taryn.
653
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:01,370
- Okay, listen.
654
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:01,370
Tough love right now.
655
00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:03,380
Dad, you're bad at gifts.
656
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:04,380
- What?
657
00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:07,800
What about that beautiful
658
00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:07,800
candelabra I got you?
659
00:16:07,170 --> 00:16:09,940
- I was nine and not Liberace.
660
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,510
And don't bring up
661
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,510
the dollhouse when you said
662
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,300
I couldn't touch it
663
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,300
because it was an antique
664
00:16:13,470 --> 00:16:15,180
that had belonged
665
00:16:13,470 --> 00:16:15,180
to French royalty.
666
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:16,890
- Because it did.
667
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:16,890
And you shouldn't.
668
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,520
- You're super generous,
669
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,520
but Christmas makes you weird.
670
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,100
Just let all these people
671
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,100
go home.
672
00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:26,560
- The queen of diamonds
673
00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:26,560
is in your mouth, sir.
674
00:16:29,650 --> 00:16:31,900
- Oh, hey.
675
00:16:29,650 --> 00:16:31,900
All right, there Taryn.
676
00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:35,410
Thank you so much.
677
00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:35,410
That'll be enough.
678
00:16:35,530 --> 00:16:39,200
All right, everybody,
679
00:16:35,530 --> 00:16:39,200
go on home.
680
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:41,870
[cheers and applause]
681
00:16:42,430 --> 00:16:45,380
But you know what?
682
00:16:42,430 --> 00:16:45,380
You all are ungrateful.
683
00:16:45,540 --> 00:16:47,750
Do you have any idea
684
00:16:45,540 --> 00:16:47,750
how much time I spent
685
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,110
picking the monogram fonts
686
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,110
on those garment bags?
687
00:16:51,130 --> 00:16:54,970
I found out all
688
00:16:51,130 --> 00:16:54,970
of your middle names!
689
00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:58,640
Yeah, Anna, Anna, Eduardo,
690
00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:58,640
Anna, Moon-system.
691
00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:01,210
But you don't appreciate that!
692
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:04,810
And yes, it stinks
693
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:04,810
to be poor at Christmas.
694
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:06,270
No one wants to hear this,
695
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,610
but it really stinks
696
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,610
for millionaires.
697
00:17:08,770 --> 00:17:10,530
- Okay, thanks for watching--
698
00:17:08,770 --> 00:17:10,530
- It does.
699
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:12,820
- Don't forget
700
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:12,820
to smash that like button.
701
00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:15,760
- Tell you what?
702
00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:15,760
Go on, go home.
703
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,360
Seriously, go on.
704
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,360
Get out of here.
705
00:17:16,530 --> 00:17:18,700
Take these stupid trees
706
00:17:16,530 --> 00:17:18,700
with you.
707
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:21,870
[dramatic music]
708
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,330
*
709
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:25,710
- Not me,
710
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:25,710
I don't do fire stuff.
711
00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:29,670
- My words, my beautiful words!
712
00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:29,670
- Oh, no.
713
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,550
- My song is gone,
714
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,550
and I never got to sing it.
715
00:17:31,710 --> 00:17:35,550
- Jayden, I am so sorry.
716
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,760
- You've made a fool out of me.
717
00:17:37,930 --> 00:17:41,350
And you've made the life
718
00:17:37,930 --> 00:17:41,350
I lead foolish, too.
719
00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:46,390
.
720
00:17:48,270 --> 00:17:49,480
- [gasps]
721
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,300
I told you,
722
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,300
love is all around us.
723
00:17:52,190 --> 00:17:55,820
- You were right, and now
724
00:17:52,190 --> 00:17:55,820
Patrick and I are lovers.
725
00:17:55,990 --> 00:17:57,320
Thanks.
726
00:17:57,490 --> 00:17:59,780
- Hey, Arpi, can I talk
727
00:17:57,490 --> 00:17:59,780
to you for a minute?
728
00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:03,120
I feel like I've ruined
729
00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:03,120
everyone's Christmas.
730
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:05,330
- Yes, sir.
731
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:05,330
What's your question?
732
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:07,330
- Why am I so terrible at this?
733
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:11,910
Every year I go all out.
734
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:11,910
I try to dazzle people.
735
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:13,510
- Well, there it is.
736
00:18:13,210 --> 00:18:14,100
You're trying to show off,
737
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:17,470
instead of thinking about
738
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:17,470
what people really want.
739
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,140
You know what
740
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,140
I just gave Mikaela?
741
00:18:19,260 --> 00:18:22,810
I kissed a weirdo
742
00:18:19,260 --> 00:18:22,810
because that's what she needed.
743
00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:26,850
Giving a good gift isn't
744
00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:26,850
about what you want.
745
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:29,810
It's about
746
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:29,810
what the recipient wants.
747
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:33,610
- Of course.
748
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:33,610
Oh, my God, it's like sex.
749
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,190
Why haven't I ever connected
750
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,190
this before?
751
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,150
- Probably because it's
752
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,150
mostly a holiday for children.
753
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,620
- No, but I get it.
754
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,620
I really get it.
755
00:18:40,780 --> 00:18:42,830
Hey, everyone, hey, listen up.
756
00:18:42,990 --> 00:18:46,100
I am sorry that I made today
757
00:18:42,990 --> 00:18:46,100
about me
758
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,120
instead of about your pleasure.
759
00:18:49,290 --> 00:18:51,500
- Oh, gross, sir,
760
00:18:49,290 --> 00:18:51,500
but we all forgive you.
761
00:18:51,670 --> 00:18:54,670
- Thanks, Tommy,
762
00:18:51,670 --> 00:18:54,670
yeah, not Jayden.
763
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,510
I destroyed his Christmas song.
764
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,840
No amount of money
765
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,840
is gonna bring that back.
766
00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:01,800
- Wait, can you call
767
00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:01,800
Taryn DiGiacomo?
768
00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:03,300
I mean, maybe he can--
769
00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:06,220
- Use his mental powers
770
00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:06,220
to guess the lost lyrics?
771
00:19:06,390 --> 00:19:08,640
Yes, I'm still here
772
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:09,980
because my Lyft canceled
773
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:09,980
because traffic's a mess.
774
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,400
- Flag on the play.
775
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,400
No one goes home.
776
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,570
- Damn it, man.
777
00:19:14,730 --> 00:19:16,190
- Hey, can you do that?
778
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,400
Can you mentalize
779
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,400
Jayden's song back?
780
00:19:18,570 --> 00:19:22,570
- Again, I'm not a psychic.
781
00:19:18,570 --> 00:19:22,570
I just read body language.
782
00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:24,330
Okay, some of what I do
783
00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:24,330
involves hiding microphones
784
00:19:24,490 --> 00:19:25,790
in bathrooms,
785
00:19:24,490 --> 00:19:25,790
but I did not do that here
786
00:19:25,910 --> 00:19:27,200
because it was
787
00:19:25,910 --> 00:19:27,200
too short notice.
788
00:19:27,370 --> 00:19:28,250
- How are you married
789
00:19:27,370 --> 00:19:28,250
and I'm not?
790
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:31,830
- What I do do is thin-slice
791
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:31,830
people by asking questions.
792
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:33,540
For example,
793
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:33,540
if the guy was here,
794
00:19:33,710 --> 00:19:36,510
I would ask, "Jayden,
795
00:19:33,710 --> 00:19:36,510
what's your favorite color?"
796
00:19:36,210 --> 00:19:37,260
all: Yellow.
797
00:19:36,210 --> 00:19:37,260
- 'Cause minions.
798
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,800
- Jayden, what's a three-digit
799
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,800
number that's important to you?
800
00:19:40,970 --> 00:19:42,300
All: Seven, eight, nine.
801
00:19:42,470 --> 00:19:44,430
- It's why six is
802
00:19:42,470 --> 00:19:44,430
afraid of seven.
803
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,520
Boy, we know that kid
804
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,520
really well, don't we?
805
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,890
- You know what?
806
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,890
Maybe I can do this.
807
00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:53,680
Maybe Taryn DiGiacomo
808
00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:53,680
can finally prove
809
00:19:53,230 --> 00:19:55,770
to his father
810
00:19:53,230 --> 00:19:55,770
that mentalism is a valued--
811
00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:57,320
- Taryn, you're not
812
00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:57,320
the main character.
813
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,490
Orly, get some paper.
814
00:19:59,650 --> 00:20:01,530
[soft music]
815
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,780
- Stop prank knocking!
816
00:20:03,910 --> 00:20:05,330
I know you're retired,
817
00:20:05,450 --> 00:20:08,660
but you have to find
818
00:20:05,450 --> 00:20:08,660
a new hobby, Mrs. Chen!
819
00:20:08,830 --> 00:20:12,620
- Jayden, we've got
820
00:20:08,830 --> 00:20:12,620
something for you.
821
00:20:12,790 --> 00:20:16,460
- * There's no snow in sight
822
00:20:12,790 --> 00:20:16,460
say the weather folks *
823
00:20:16,630 --> 00:20:21,300
* It's still hot as a crotch
824
00:20:16,630 --> 00:20:21,300
out in Sherman Oaks *
825
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:25,390
* But the fires have died and
826
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:25,390
there's a little less smoke *
827
00:20:25,550 --> 00:20:29,470
* Now it's Christmas in LA
828
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,940
* There's no Jack Frost
829
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,940
nipping your redone nose *
830
00:20:34,670 --> 00:20:38,290
* But no one will ask
831
00:20:34,670 --> 00:20:38,290
why your forehead's froze *
832
00:20:38,190 --> 00:20:42,330
* And that filler sure
833
00:20:38,190 --> 00:20:42,330
makes your cheekbones glow *
834
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,570
* Yes, it's Christmas in LA
835
00:20:44,740 --> 00:20:46,200
[together]
836
00:20:44,740 --> 00:20:46,200
* In LA
837
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:50,830
- * There's a fistfight
838
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:50,830
at the Trader Joe's on Vine *
839
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:54,420
* And a pileup on the ten
840
00:20:54,580 --> 00:20:58,750
* They found a human head
841
00:20:54,580 --> 00:20:58,750
by the Hollywood sign *
842
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,590
* It's Christmas Eve again
843
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,550
[together]
844
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,550
* Eve again
845
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,720
[soft music]
846
00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:08,590
- Is that your song?
847
00:21:08,180 --> 00:21:10,680
- No, but I loved
848
00:21:08,180 --> 00:21:10,680
every word of it.
849
00:21:10,850 --> 00:21:14,230
*
850
00:21:14,390 --> 00:21:18,190
- * We may not have ice skates
851
00:21:14,390 --> 00:21:18,190
or sleds that soar *
852
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:22,320
* But we've got horchata
853
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:22,320
and Pauly Shore *
854
00:21:22,190 --> 00:21:24,450
* Grab a Pink's hot dog
855
00:21:24,610 --> 00:21:30,240
* Drink a twink's eggnog,
856
00:21:24,610 --> 00:21:30,240
for its Christmastime LA *
857
00:21:30,410 --> 00:21:34,540
* It may not be the ushe,
858
00:21:30,410 --> 00:21:34,540
but if I can choose *
859
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:40,460
* I'd still spend my Christmas
860
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:40,460
here with you *
861
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:43,110
*
862
00:21:43,170 --> 00:21:46,130
- It's ashing!
863
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:49,180
- Good night, everybody!
864
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:49,180
- Good night!
52529
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