Original subtitles

*

Welcome back, Eugenie.

Hello again, sweet Candy.

What wishes can I grant you today?

Why don't you get me the shy Catholic school girl?

Your wish is my command.

*

Ah, there she is.

Hi!

You asked for me?

I sure did.

Have you been a naughty school girl?

Yeah.

You know what I do to naughty little school girls,

don't you?

Are you gonna spank my ass?

I sure am.

Now bend over and lift up that skirt.

Your wishes my command.

*

Oh!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh.

*

Oh, ow!

*

I'm king of the world!

Fuck you.

*

Wait, is it, is that a new tattoo?

Yeah, I just got it yesterday.

You like it?

Yeah, you need to be punished for that, too.

Oh!

*

You know what I want youth do now?

Your wish is my command.

See that big black one over there?

Oh, no, not that one.

Yeah, that's right, that one.

I want you to make that one disappear.

All of it?

No, just the tip.

Yeah, all of it.

But that's gonna hurt.

You need to be punished.

Now sit on it.

Your wishes my command.

*

Oh!

*

Good thing I didn�t step in it.

*

Hey, check it out, chips.

Oh, yeah, yeah, chips.

Check out what�s in the box.

She said she's gonnabuy us dinner anyway.

Oh, yeah, let's see what's in here.

Hopefully there�s some candy.

*

Oh, yeah, there is candy, look at this.

Look at this.

That's what I�m talking about.

Nice, wow.

Oh, yeah.

Let me see that.

Sweet smell of the summer, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Let's have some of those chips.

Oh, shit, she's here.

Oh, shit!

Put it back.

Hey, come on guys, it's the one upstairs.

*

You moving in?

Gee, how'd you guess?

Well, duh, I mean, you got movers,

moving boxes, moving trucks.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon.

That much is true.

What's that smell?

I don't smell anything.

You know what, it's probably the gardener.

He always smells a little funky.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Oh, and um, it's, it's Gene.

With an N.

Okay.

*

(moaning)

I like that.

Do you like that?

*

Surprise!

Oh, Gene, ah, goddamn.

Doesn't anyone fucking knock anymore?

Dude, come on.

Dude, get the fuck out, close the door, God.

Whatever you're doing, I have something to show you.

Unless, unless it�s a Catholic school girl

I don't wanna see it.

It's better.

I'm sorry.

Where were we?

*

Like that?

Yeah.

It is all in.

You're all in.

Are you done yet?

Dude, shut up.

You're making me lose my concentration.

Dude, just try a different video,

it's probably not working for you,

that's what I do.

It's, it's not a video,

it's a real life chick.

It's, it's a real babe?

Yeah, it's a real life chick.

Let me see.

Dude, get out, get out of here, man.

Oh, dude, come on.

This is costing me2.99 a minute here.

Dude, come on, man.

I'll show you later.

Whatever.

Later.

I, I guess you've been punished enough, Candy.

If you're a naughty girl tomorrow

I'll give you a call back, okay?

All right.

I'm just gonna go see what the boys are up to

in the locker room.

I think they just finished football practice.

You nasty, naughty little...

Man.

*

What's up, dude?

Ohhhh.

*

Dude, what's that smell?

Gardener.

Oh.

So what are you doing?

Making a salad or something?

Dude, what I discovered last night is the closest thing

that we'll get to the real thing,

that'll actually feel like the real thing.

Okay, so what is it?

Okay, dude, you know that movie

where the guys sticks his dick

in the warm apple pie and it's supposed to feel

like the real thing?

Well that is a total bunch of shit, man.

'Cause I tried it.

I burned my dick for like, a week,

it hurt to piss.

And there I was just icing the sausage away

and then I realized what�s wet,

smooth and soft?

All together.

A cherry pie?

No, dude.

A tomato!

Dude, 'cause if you get one of the ripe ones,

like, you get those little ridges at the end of it

and they give you that extra sensation.

Okay, so what are the bananas for?

You're not gonna tell me it�s to

shove up your ass or something, is it?

No.

It's for us to eat.

Wait a minute.

How do you know what the real thing feels like anyway?

Dude, you just gotta trust me on this one, okay?

Dude, I'm not fucking a tomato.

Dude, don't knock it until you try it.

Check it out,

just carve out one of these tomatoes,

you know, just carve it right through the center.

All right, depending on the size of your little Wang,

you know, you can make it big or small

and then you can slide it on in there.

Look.

This.

*

Or you could just like, hump away, all right?

*

Dude.

I bet if you use this it would have only

taken you a minute or two.

I would have been here earlier, but like,

the damn stop sign wouldn�t change.

Must be broken or something.

Dude, you interrupted my online date

with a hot babe for this?

Speaking of hot babes,

have you seen our hot new neighbor?

Dude, we have a hot new neighbor?

Dude, we've got a hot new neighbor!

No way!

Dude, dude, dude.

(whispering)

Holy shit.

Oh, man, that's hot.

You're telling me.

Dude.

Dude, I just want a slice of that.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah.

Dude, do we still have those pizza coupons

in the kitchen?

Where are you gonna go?

Anywhere but this whorehouse.

You're not being reasonable.

It wasn't like you think.

Yeah, yeah, once you go black, baby.

I never go back, that's really good.

(moaning)

Can we at least talk about it?

You know what, no, I'm done talking about it, okay?

Just pack up my shit,

I'll be back for it in a couple days.

Where are you gonna be?

Can I call you?

* I don't need *

* A shot of whiskey * I don't need *

* A reservoir * What I need

* Is to be ready when love

* When love tries * To be found *

Yeah, that's us.

Yeah, yeah, we'd like to order

a large pepperoni pizza with everything on it.

Yeah, everything.

Combination?

Okay, I'll take a pepperoni combination,

whatever.

Yeah, I got a coupon right here.

Hold on a second.

Dude, this dude over here is asking me

if we want six or twelve slices.

Dude, I'm pretty hungry.

Yeah, me too.

Six ain't gonna be enough, huh?

I'm ordering 12.

Make it 12, yeah.

You're gonna have to make that 12 slices.

Yeah, okay, thanks.

Wait, hold the tomatoes.

Come on dude, it'll just be for a couple days.

Just till I get my shit straightened out.

Can't do it, buddy.

Michelle won�t go for it.

If it was my place you know I'd tell you

to come on over.

Yeah, yeah, pussy.

* I don't need *

* A shot of whiskey * I don't need *

* A reservoir * All I need *

Oh, she's coming.

All right let's put a little screw right here...

To complete the game successfully

you must transfer the entire blocks of wood

onto another peg without putting

a larger one on top of a smaller one.

*

Dude, I got it.

Check it out.

Dude!

You're a genius.

I know, I know.

Pizza's here, dude.

*

Large combination, hold the tomatoes.

That's us.

That'll be 19.95not including tip.

Wait a minute.

There's a couple slices missing.

Your roommate took 'em.

Who?

Thanks for the lunch, queers.

He's not my roommate.

Stupid pizza guy.

Keep the change.

Really?

Don't mention it, man.

Did that prick intercept our food again?

Yeah.

Dude, we gotta get him back one of these days.

Yo, maybe we should like,

order some shitty food someday.

So that way when he takes it and eats it,

it'll be shit.

Dude, you rock.

I know.

* All I need * Is to be ready * When love

* Finally conquers me *

*

In local news today a jumper stood on the side of a cliff

threatening to jump in a 45 minute standoff

with local authorities.

I bet you a buck that guy won't jump.

You're on dude, you're on dude.

We're sorry to say it did not end well.

The man ended up jumping after a failed attempt to save him.

Ah, you lose, sucker.

Dammit.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just kidding, homey, I'm not taking it.

Dude, dude, you won fair and square.

I'm just fucking with you.

I saw this video earlier today.

So did I.

I didn't think the idiot was gonna jump again.

*

Dude, what's six inches long, has a bald head on it,

green, and chicks can�t get enough of it?

My dick!

*

Dude.

What's the difference between a job

and your wife?

What?

After five years your job still sucks.

That's totally true.

Okay, all right.

What's the difference, dude,

between sin and shame?

Dude, I don't know, what?

It's a sin to put it in,

and a shame to pull it out.

Dude, dude, dude.

What's the difference between hard and light?

What?

You can always go to sleep with the light on.

*

This is the life.

You said it, dude.

Kicking back with a buddy, eating pizza,

watching TV.

Dude, who needs girls?

Yeah, who needs girls?

*

Dude.

It's not like I don't enjoy our hangouts and shit,

but I gotta get me a chick.

Yeah, me too.

I'm going broke being single.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what would be cool?

If a couple girls knocked on our door right now.

One for me and one for you.

Yeah, dude, be like, invite them in

and then touch them, kiss them,

and then make love to them.

Oh, and shower with them and stuff.

Dude.

Yeah.

And then cook with them.

Cook with them?-Yeah, dude.

Dude, you don't know what you�re talking about.

Dude, chicks dig that shit.

It's like watching porn for us.

Yeah, porn.

(knocking)

*

What's up, loser?

Hey, Mike, what are you doing here?

What's up, bro?

Faggot.

You still alive?

Yeah.

What are you doing here?-I don't know.

Looks like I'm gonna be staying here for a little while.

What happened with you and Amy?

We broke up.

What, I mean, what happened?

She's just a fucking liar and a cheater.

How'd you, how'd you find that out?

(sputtering)

God.

How'd you find out?

Look, check it out.

I call her last night just to ask her where she is, right?

She tells me she's out with her best friend, Jennifer.

Okay, so?

I was with Jennifer.

Oh.

The fuck is that smell?

I can't believe he�d just leave like that.

You know, we talk about this sort of thing in bed

all the time.

He'll be back.

Just give him some time to cool off.

Yeah, well, for all I know he was cheating, too.

How do you know that, Ames?

Last night when he called l told him I was with Jennifer.

And?

He was with Jennifer.

Okay, well, doesn't she take swimming lessons from him?

Whose side are you on?

Oh, God.

God, you guys suck.

Yeah, bro, low shot, yeah.

All right.

Bedroom's mine.

That, that's the, that's my room, bro.

You still wet the bed?

Yeah, I do.

Great.

(indistinct conversation)

Don't forget your girlfriend.

Yeah.

Burn.

Can I talk to you for a second?

You just got burned.

Dude.

First he comes over without asking

and then he makes himself at home

and now he's taking over my room?

Dude, he just broke up with his girlfriend.

Yeah, I wonder why.

Come on, just take it easy, it'll be okay.

They'll probably get back together

by the end of the day.

Dude, I know he�s your brother and all,

but he's an asshole.

Hey, come on...

There's already one asshole in the complex,

we don't need another one.

It'll be okay.

I'll think of something, I'll think of something,

I always do.

What about my online gig with Candy Cane, huh?

He's totally cramping my style.

All right, all right, I'll think of something, okay?

I'll take care of it.

Just have a tomato.

*

Dude, get up.

It's midnight.

Dude, let's go.

Hurry, hurry up, you're gonna miss her again.

*

Dude, are you getting this?

Oh, yeah.

You can see her boobs.

You can see her whole body, I'm gonna get it

all up here in my head for later.

Yes.

Dude.

Oh I love you, Sarah.

Dude, how do you know her name?

I don't.

Oh, dude.

Oh, dude, check it out, she's doing the breast stroke.

Yeah.

I don't know if that�s actually the breast stroke,

but her boobs are showing.

It's gotta Bethe breast stroke, right?

It's the breast stroke.

*

Caught myself there.

*

Dude, she's getting out.

She's putting her robe on.

*

Oh, dude, she's leaving.

(frantic whispering)

Dude, I'm zooming in, zooming in, I'm zooming in,

zooming in, I'm zooming in...

All right, all right, I got it.

Got it, got it, got it.

*

What can I tell you?

I love food.

That's exactly why when l hear that music...

Dude, I can't figure out this puzzle.

All the pieces look the same.

Dude, just work it from the center out.

And how important food is to them.

Well, food is so important to me

because I grew up with my whole family

dealing with food.

My family was at food places all the time,

you would have thought their middle name was buffet.

And it was great because typically around.

Christmastime most of the kids in families

would always get sweaters.

My family got insulin shots!

I tell you what, I grew up with my dad

taking me to his workplace, which he worked with food.

He enjoyed working with snack bar areas.

And I would always come into help him out

during the part time high school career

and he would have these big, like,

little um, big, little,

he would have these mustard containers

and ketchup containers and then l would to go the freezer

and I would get those big, huge

buckets of mustard and I purposely would wait

until he wasn't looking and I would take the mustard,

I would set it down like so,

and I would take this big, huge container

and I would just dump it down

and there'd be mustard everywhere

and it's like yellow going crazy, I loved it.

That was one of my experiences with food.

And then he also volunteered for the Federation of the Blind.

And I was very happy about that so I one day pitched in

with one of their fundraisers.

We had a barbecue fundraiser plate

and the barbecue was like an assembly line

that I was standing and my job was

to do the desserts.

The barbecue would whish right in front of me

and I would smell all the barbecue

all through my nostrils and I just wanted to eat some.

How'd you homos sleep?

I didn't.

Oh, you guys didn�t keep each other warm?

What do you losers do all day, huh?

How do you even pay rent?

I work at the movie theaters and Eugene...

Well, he just got canned.

But he's gonna get a new job soon, right?

What happened?

Why'd McDonald�s fire you?

Trying to stick a little wiener in a McBagel?

Burn.

It wasn't a McDonald's.

It was a Taco Bell, there's a difference.

Oh, that is a lot better.

What is this?

It's a game of mind and strategy.

So what you gotta do,

you gotta try to move those blocks

from one peg to the other without getting

one of the bigger ones on top of the smaller ones.

Yeah, figured it out in 15 seconds.

Yeah, I'm sure you did.

An Oreo in here, I wanna put crepes in here,

and I want a cherry here, I love it!

I just gotta have some more.

I love fried food sand it's delicious.

And speaking of foods we actually have our food pyramid,

which typically people call the food pyramid,

and today we have, we're gonna start at the top,

we have fats.

Speaking of which, here he is, okay,

and he's out of here.

All right, we have milk, yogurt, and cheese group.

Moo!

And then we have our meat, poultry, fish,

dry beans because wet ones are bad,

wet ones are real bad.

I like, speaking, I usually get wet ones

from the beans.

I tell you what, we also have our vegetable group.

Come on in here.

Okay, I guess that�s another way of doing it.

Right.

All right.

I'm going to work.

Later, bro.

Hey, bro, pound it.

Stop.

All right, yeah.

What?

(indistinct yelling from TV)

We start off with our cake group.

Mmm, I gotta have some cake because cake is delicious,

I love it.

And then we have the cookie group.

I love some cookies, they're great.

And then we have the do nut group.

I love it.

And then we have, finally,

the Teddy Ruxpin group, delicious.

Dude.-Huh?

We gotta figure out a way to make money.

Dude, yeah.

Make money and get chicks.

Yeah, make money, get chicks, and get laid.

No, no, no.

Get money, get chicks,

get laid, and have sex.

Yeah, having sex with real girls.

*

Dude, what are you writing?

I'm filling out a job application.

I'm gonna get a job at the mall

where all the hip dudes hang.

And once I get in with them l'll hook you up.

Nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

I got stuck on some stupid questions.

Common "kuh-now ledge".

What the fuck does that even mean?

Okay, so who�s the current president

of the United States?

It's that Irish dude, isn't it?

You know.

O'Reilly?

O'Ryan?

Dude, you know this.

Dude, you took geography, you know this.

Uhhh...

Oh, oh, oh!

Obama, right?

Dude, I knew you had it, yes.

Okay, all right.

So what's the capital of California?

Dude, C.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, duh, duh,

I mean, I knew that, I knew that.

*

All right, sign here.

Here?

Since when did they start adding that to applications?

What the... What's my sign?

How do you like the place?

Well, it's pretty cute, pretty cute.

Yeah, I like it a lot.

So you ready to have some fun

before you get in another controlling relationship?

Oh, I am so ready.

That's what I wanna hear.

You're gonna have fun with us.

Hey, did I tell you that this place has got

a pool in the back?

No way.

That's where I'll be.

You don't think this complex has any perverts in it,

do you?

I don't think so.

Oh, well, too bad.

Oh, my God.

Well, let's get you moved in.

All right.

*

Hey, loser.

What's the matter?

Blow up doll still hasn�t arrived yet?

Hey, Rock, I heard California

just legalized same sex marriage.

You must be thrilled.

The fuck did you just say?

*

Rock?

Idiot can't even spell.

What a loser.

Yeah.

That's how you spell posers.

*

Dude, maybe we are losers.

*

Dude, look.

*

You never see chicks like that hanging around video gamers.

No, they don't.

You never see 'em hanging out with Trekkies.

No, they don't.

And it definitely doesn't help

that we didn't even know who Admiral Spark was.

*

So who do they hang out with?

*

Dude, dude, dude,

go back to the channel that the chicks were hanging out in.

Which one?

It was like, two channels back.

Go, go, go back.

Go back, go back, go back.

Yeah, yeah, that one, here it is.

Are you sure?

Mhmm.

I'm pretty sure.

*

Skaters!

*

You look good.

Dude, I think you look good.

Yeah.

Man, I'm still hungry.

Dude, let's go eat at that fine establishment right there.

Okay.

*

*

No.

Not even.

No.

Yeah, two stink.

Right this way.

*

You guys need a minute?

Nice name.

What'd you name the other one?

Yeah.

You should name the other one Cheeks.

Yeah, Rosie Cheeks.

Dude.

Do you want, okay, how much are your drinks?

A dollar 95.

Okay, and then how much are your refills?

The refills are free.

Okay, let me get two refills

and then two grilled cheeses.

All right guys, really, can I take your order?

Yeah, where do you wanna take it?

Yeah, and before you take it can you help me

take my jacket off?

Yeah, you want a jacket off?

You guys aren't even wearing jackets.

I know.

Do you wanna help me jack it off?

Yeah.

Wait.

How rude.

She totally walked away without taking our order.

Dude, that's weak, man.

What kind of customer service is that?

The manager's coming, he's got this.

Hello.

Watch the tee.

You wanna deal with it?

I told you this wasn�t a good idea.

Get out of here you goddamn clowns.

Dude.

Let's go.

Ow, my knees!

Just go.

Gene, I'm starting to think this whole skateboarder idea

isn't such a great thing after all.

Dude.

Maybe you're right.

We just got kicked out.

Let's just go home.

Yeah.

I need some pain pills.

*

It's useless.

*

My life is ruined.

Hey, old dude, what's wrong?

It's over with.

My life is ruined.

Dude, what happened?

I, I recently married

a very beautiful, vivacious,

gorgeous 28 year old woman.

She gave me a blow job every morning I woke up.

One before l went to bed.

And I could fuck her any time I wanted to!

That sounds like a great life!

Yeah, dude.

What the hell�s the problem?

I can't remember where I live!

That is a problem, old dude.

Sorry, we can't help you.

Good luck with that, dude.

Yeah, take care, dude.

Dude, I wish I knew where he lived.

If we knew where he lived we could fuck his wife.

Oh, man, dude, I'm so hungry.

Dude, me too.

Do you have any money on you?

Dude, hold on, you reminded me.

Check out this giant silver dollar I found

the other day.

Oh, no way.

Check out the head.

It's my money and I need it now.

Dude, you can have it.

Just go, just go.

Dude, just go.

*

Look, dude.

Whoa, check this out.

Eighty-two percent of accidents occur

within twenty miles from home.

We should probably think about moving or something.

Yeah, at least twenty miles away.

*

Dude, check this out.

Let's go into that 711 store and let's go in

to buy something, right?

When we go to pay for it once we're gonna pay for it

we run because then the cashier

is gonna think we stole something.

It's gonna look so funny, dude, let's go.

Okay, okay, let's do it.

*

Stop running you sons of bitches,

what did you steal?

Go!

(indistinct yelling)

*

What the, holy shit!

What the fuck was that?

You almost got us killed.

I saw that plan go really different in my head.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Man.

We should just get to the park, man.

Dude, we gotta toss the evidence.

Toss the evidence.

Tastes like shit anyway, let's go.

*

Hey, you guys know where the skate park is?

In hell, I hope.

Is that on the east side?

Oh, man, did you hear this?

Dude.

*

Excuse me.

Where can we find skaters?

In jail, where they belong.

Whoa, they let you skate in jail?

I don't know, it's probably because they're bored

or something.

Yeah, probably.

I think she just flipped us off.

She flipped us off, didn't she?

Man, whatever.

*

We should sign Mike up for this.

Dude, and Rock, too.

Hey, boys.

And what class are you here for?

Uh, um, I, both.

Neither, we were just passing by.

Oh, that's too bad.

What class are you here for?

Well, I'll give you a clue.

Oh, I'm good at clue games, I got this.

It's not Assholes Anonymous.

Okay, okay, it's not Assholes Anonymous

then we can eliminate that one.

So it's gotta be some thing else.

But what can it be?

Think, think.

It's Sex aholics Anonymous.

Dang, I would have, I would have gotten that

in a couple more minutes.

Listen, boys.

How about you come to my place

and help me move my bed.

It's too big for me to move by myself.

We can do that, yeah.

All right, my car is over there.

*

All right, here we are.

*

It's over here, boys.

Have a seat, boys.

I'll be right out.

I think we can do it.

I don't know where she wants us to move it.

The living room?

I don't know.

*

So, what would you little maniacs

like to do first?

Dude, I think I've seen this in a movie once.

Yeah.

What happened next?

You boys have never done it before, have you?

We've taken tons of showers.

Not together.

If we're going to have any fun

you boys need to relax.

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, shit, my husband is home.

Husband, shit!

How do you open it?

*

Dude, go!

Is that your car out there?

Thank God I found it.

I thought I was lost.

I thought you were supposed to be at a meeting.

God damn it, Natasha, not again!

God damn it.

You little shits!

What is this shit?

Get out of here.

Look who's got popsicles.

Ooh, thank you.

I love popsicles.

Me, too.

Hey, wanna know why a Popsicle is better than a man?

'Cause it lasts longer?

And you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

I've got a joke.

Do tell.

What is the difference between trash and a brunette?

What?

The trash gets taken out at least once a week.

All right, are we ready to go to the pool?

Think so.

We've got our bikinis.

Check.

Towels.

Check.

*

Sun tan oil?

Check.

Tunes?

Check.

All right, let's go.

*

Do you think we lost him?

I hope so.

Where'd the...?

Dude do you think you dropped it?

That TV show's full of shit, man.

There are no chicks here.

*

(indistinct conversation)

*

You guys new here?

No, we been around.

Yeah, yeah, we're from the east side.

What do you guys do?

Oh, you know, half pipe, full pipe, the pipes,

360s, 180s, anything, any three digit numbers, really.

Yeah, yeah.

What about rails?

Yeah, rails, jails, sails.

Just about, you know, everything, man.

Let me see what you got, then.

Yeah, yeah, we just, we're just chilling, bro.

You guys don't know shit, do you?

No, no, we do it all, we can do everything.

Come on, man.

What she said.

Oh man, you're wasting my time,

fucking posers.

Man, whatever.

Let's get out of here.

What just happened?

What the fuck was that?

Dude, I'm starting to see why people don't like these guys.

Yeah, seriously.

*

Oh, look what we got here.

What are you posers doing this week?

Acting as gay, retro skaters?

Do you even know how to ride these things?

Yeah.

Dude, what's it look like?

I'll tell you what it looks like.

It looks like two morons spent their paper route money

on shitty skateboard equipment and clothes

just so they can fit in someplace.

Here, I'll give you some good advice.

Save your money, spend it on internet porn

because that's the closest you'll ever be to real girls.

Why do you have to bean asshole, Rock?

*

Dude, is that my shirt?

Oh, yeah, probably.

I found it in the laundry room.

It makes a good wash cloth.

Thanks, bud.

*

Hello?

You pack my shit up yet?

Oh, it's you.

Yeah, who'd you think it was?

Him calling back for sloppy seconds?

Kiss my ass.

Suck my balls.

Eat me.

Whose number is this?

I'm at my brother's house with his fruity

little roommate, Eugene.

What's up, bro?

So what were you doing with Jennifer?

You know what I was doing with Jennifer.

Stupid phone cord.

Look, Shawn was there, too, ask him.

*

At night?

That's the only time no one uses the pool.

Gene should see this.

How are you trying to turn this around on me?

You're the one who fucked around.

Come on!

Dude.

Put my shit outside, I'll pick it up tonight.

Dude, I think,

I think we should go out there

and pretend we're sun tanning, too.

No, no, dude, dude, if we go out there

they're gonna feel uncomfortable,

they're gonna leave.

Oh, you're right.

Maybe I should just get my camera and record them.

Yeah?

What are you faggots up to?

Bro, it's just...

What are you homos looking at?

Bro.

Sweet.

I'm going out there.

You two fags stay here and stroke each other.

Bro.

Dude, has he always been a dick?

No, not his whole life.

Just as long as l can remember.

God, she's so hot.

Why can't we be out there?

Hey.

Hi there.

How are you doing?

Good.

How are you?

That's a lot of beers.

It is a lot of beers.

You know why I have a lot of beers?

Why?

Because I saw you guys.

Why does he have to get in our way?

They were supposed to be ours.

Dude, I think this is as close to them

as you're gonna get.

Why do you have to ruin my fantasy?

Dude, do you remember that scene

in that whole movie when the hot girl

comes out of the pool dripping wet

and she starts taking off her bikini?

Uhhuh.

Dude, I'm seeing that right now.

Yeah, which one?

Both of them.

Hey, Gene.

You know how cute we always thought you were?

*

Hey, Don.

You know how cute l always thought you were.

*

Dude!

Dude, what are you doing?

Oh, dude, nothing!

Dude, go away.

Dude, dude, I'm going, dude.

All right, right here.

Like the place.

Yeah, not bad, huh?

This way.

Where we going?

Come on, come on, this way.

Door to the right.

Oh, look, a glory hole.

Ohhh.

Nice, big bed.

Dude, dude, come on, dude.

Dude, look, look.

Oh, man, dude.

Dude.

Dude, I'm gonna get something from the kitchen.

Do you want something?

My camcorder.

What?

Dude, never mind, I'll get it.

Your sheets are so soft.

Yeah, they're nice.

Nevermind that peach fuzz too.

*

The hell is that?

It's a tomato, dude.

I know, I was talking about the size of the hole.

Yeah, what I lack in height l make up for in size, man.

Dude, just keep that thing away from me.

Dude, dude, by the way.

Great idea, dude.

Yeah, I know.

*

Dude.

Wait, wait, wait, dude, it's two chicks,

I can't let that go to waste.

Dude, oh, God.

*

Yeah, just look at that ass.

Dude, let me see, let me see,

dude, let me see.

*

Dude, that's Mike on top.

Dude.

No, no, no, no.

Before he was on top one of the girls was on top.

And then he must have, oh, dude, nevermind.

Forget it, forget it.

What?

Oh shit, oh shit.

Go.

*

Where's your bathroom?

What?

The bathroom.

Oh, oh, in, you wanna take a bath?

A bath?

No, I wanna use the restroom.

Oh, right, the restroom.

Yeah, it's over there.

Okay.

I mean, you could take a bath if you want, though.

You could just take a bath.

Okay.

Yeah?

That's fine, thank you.

No, thank you, though.

Yeah?

*

Dude.

*

(whistling)

* Bust that groove *

Yeah, let's do this again sometime.

* Bust that groove *

*

Yeah.

That show again.

Hey, guys, do you have anything to drink?

Oh, what?

Oh, yeah, what do you wanna swallow?

Dude, drink, drink.

What do you wanna drink, yeah.

A beer, anything, I just wanna wash

this salty taste out of my mouth.

We got beer, right?

Oh, yeah.

I'll get you a beer.

Oh, please.

Woohoo!

*

Can I take a bite of your tomato?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, you guys cut out the center.

Uhhuh.

*

Thank you.

Uhhuh.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think it's um, let me help you with that,

I think it's a twist off.

Just, if you just, if you put

a little force to it.

Thank you.

I mean, you're sure?

Yeah, thank you.

You sure?

I mean, I can just... Thanks, guys.

Yeah, yeah.

See you later.

*

Do you guys have a bottle opener?

No, we just got one.

I got it, thank you.

Dude, did you see that?

*

Dude, she bit my tomato.

Dude tell me,

you saw her whacking me off, right?

I was about to burst.

What happened, you two just finish doing each other?

Hey, Rock.

I saw the garbage truc khere this morning.

Why didn't you tell us you were moving?

That was your mother's mobile home.

Dude, dude, dude.

I think I know her.

Wait a minute.

Candy?

How you doing?

Shut your faggot mouth, you don't know her.

Oh, yeah, I know her pretty good.

How is that tattoo healing?

How does he know that?

I don't know, he probably guessed.

Guessed?

What's this guess shit?

Well, all the girls are getting tattoos nowadays.

He Br-, he's probably mistaking me

for somebody else.

Okay, take care now.

I guess I'll see you online.

Online now?

What's this online bullshit?

I don't know, I've never seen him before in my life,

I swear.

No, no, fuck that, what are you holding from me?

What'd you guys say your name was?

Um, Laura.

Tina and Laura.

Tina, oh.

That's not right.

I can't even remember your name.

Mike.

Oh, okay.

All right, Mike, it's cool.

Sweetie, I'm not, I'm not...

Don't touch me, no sweetie shit.

Fucking tell me what's going on.

Nothing's going on.

(indistinct conversation)

Stupid.

What's up, roomies?

Roomies?

That's an upgrade from losers.

Fags, douche bags, queers, gays.

Come on, I feel rejuvenated.

What, I feel good?

What's your female situation?

What female situation?

Your skater chicks aren't biting?

You kinda have to be a skater for them to bite.

Yeah.-Let me get this straight.

You two have never actually skated a day in your life,

have you?

No.

And you thought dressing up like

skater rejects from the '80s

would actually help you get chicks and get laid?

Pretty much.

*

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Stop it.

*

These braces,

all you gotta do is put 'em on before you go to the park,

this way no one will expect you to actually skate.

That and skaters usually have a couple broken bones anyhow.

Bro, genius.

Wait a minute.

Why do you wanna help us?

How do we know this isn't a trick to make us

look like idiots?

Because you do a good enough job of that on your own.

Just con-, I don't know,

Just consider it payment or payback

for letting me crash here for a while, all right?

Okay.

So when you guys do meet a girl, okay,

be cool, be chill, don't be pushy...

He said pussy.

Yeah, don't be pussy.

I said pushy.

Idiots, listen up.

Walk up, make small talk,

make quick conversation, be nice.

Ask things like uh, hey, nice park here,

hey, this is a nice day.

If they haven't walked away in two minutes or less,

they they're at least a little bit interested

in your ass.

Go ahead, then ask for their name,

ask for their number 'cause, really,

you have nothing to lose, okay?

Oh, and uh, if for some

I don't know, God gifted reason

you get to the point where you're actually

gonna have sex with this girl for the first time,

before you do ask her if she likes spicy food.

Spicy foods?

Why?

If a girl likes spicy food,

that means she likes it hardcore.

Yeah.

The spicier, the food, the more hardcore she likes it,

okay?

Just remember, if she can handle the heat,

she can handle the meat.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

If she doesn't like spicy food then, you know,

you wanna proceed with caution on that,

handle with care.

Got it?

Got it.

Okay.

Okay?

Let's check this out.

(indistinct conversation)

Um...

Hey, I'm gonna have a present sent over here to you guys

a little bit later tonight.

Hey, dude, high five, air five, bro.

Stop it.

Seriously, pal.

Okay, later.

Peace, bro, deuces!

Dude, what do you think his present is?

Well, you know.

(knocking)

I have a special delivery.

It's here.

Have a seat, boys.

*

Dude, there's no pockets.

*

Dude, when is she gonna give us our gift?

*

In the box.

*

All right.

All right, sorry.

Um, can we have our, can we have our present now?

What?

Yeah, um, um, my bro said

that you were supposed to bring us our gift today

and, and, you know, I mean we're perfectly fine

with you doing your Jazzercise and everything,

but could we just have our gift already?

Are you kidding?

Is it the stereo or is it still in the box?

You guys are putting me on, right?

Putting you on what?

I'm not putting her on anything.

I can't even lift her.

Dude, yeah, I know.

Let's check the box.

Dude, it's empty.

It can't be.

Maybe there's a secret compartment somewhere.

You guys are idiots.

We're idiots?

She comes to make a delivery with an empty box.

Dude, we just got gypped!

Dude, I don't know about this, man.

*

And then I tell her you took a shit in your own van.

Dude, is that a dead bird over there?

Where?

*

Over there.

*

Little birdie.

*

Dude, dude, let's just put him back in his house.

His house?

His black house.

Just put him back in there dude, come on.

Come on, put the black bird in the black house,

come on.

*

Hey.

Hey, the idiot who built this house

forgot to put a whole in it.

How is he supposed to fly in and out?

I don't know.

He can't fly in and out of this thing.

Just put him in there and let's go.

*

Bye, little birdie.

Okay, come on, let's go.

Here we go.

*

Hey.

What's up?

Nothing much.

Uh, what's your name?

It's in the phone book.

Yeah?

And how about your number?

It's in the phone book, too.

Um... Call me.

I will.

She, she just,

I got her name and her number.

No way.

Dude, got it.

Seriously, oh, man, cool.

Dude, I just gotta find it in the phone book

and I'm in.

Easy enough, right?

In, bro.

Yeah.

*

(indistinct conversation)

*

Let's sit down.

You think I'll ever get a hairy chest?

I think I have one hair.

See, right there.

Yeah, dude, you got the look.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Sweet.

Oh, man.

Hey, man, I'm gonna check my schedule for work.

I never go to work.

I mean, I don't have a phone so they can't call me in.

That's true, man, when was the last time you checked in?

Think I'm fired?

Maybe.

- Probably. - Probably?

It's been like, two weeks or something.

Check it out.

Dude, Mike said to act cool.

Hey.

- Hi. - Hi.

Um, I was just wondering, how did you guys get those?

Yeah.

Uh, my brother got 'em... I mean.

He got 'em for us after we were doing 380s

and 540s, 510s.

Wow, that must have hurt.

Oh, um, no, no, it was, it was nothing.

We've had worse.

We've had way worse.

Really?

That's so badass.

Um, I'm Cindy and this is Sandy.

Oh, so Cindy and Sandy, awesome.

Cool, well, this is Gene and I'm Eugene.

Wow, they're like, the same.

Yeah, your names are like, the same thing.

You're like the same person.

So cute.

You guys wanna sit down?

Yeah.

Sit, yeah, sit down, sit down.

Dude, you're being aggressive.

So um, where do you guys usually skate?

You know, malls, the hall, rails.

Jails, sails, just the local places, yeah.

The usual.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Why do you, why do you have TGIF on your shoes?

TGIF?

Oh, TGIF.

Toes Go In First.

Yeah, duh.

Oh, wow.

Dude.

Man, I think like, all the shoes

should have that printed on them,

like, right there.

(whispering)

Do you guys go to college?

Well, uh, I live right next to a college,

so it's like, I have to walk by it every day.

Yeah, so technically we passed college.

(whispering)

*

Do you, uh, um,

do you guys wanna feel warm and, and soft?

Yeah, I'm getting a little cold.

Yeah, we could go sit down on something.

Our couches in our living room.

Yeah, you guys wanna come to our crib, our pad?

You guys live nearby?

Yeah, like, totally.

Okay, cool, let's do that.

Yeah?

Okay.

Let's go.

So you gonna tell me who you were with?

Jared.

J-, Jared?

God!

I can't fucking believe you went to Jared!

Why not like, Chris or Steve?

Do you even know what he's known for?

I didn't know he had a nine and a half inch cock.

And a half?

A half?

Yeah, but he was only one guy.

You were with two sluts which I think

should even things out.

Was he better than me?

Not even close.

You're so good!

Once you go black, baby...

I'm never going back!

You're so much better!

You're not just saying that?

No.

No?

No.

So, are you gonna come home?

Yeah, I'll think about it.

Okay.

*

Oh, hang on, I always wanted to do this.

Yeah, yeah.

No man, really?

All right.

*

Hey!

Hey, what's up, guys?

This is Mike.

Oh, hello, ladies, how are you?

- Hey. - Hi.

How you doing?

My brother.

What, what are you doing, bro?

Oh, me and Amy, we actually made up.

So I'm packing up and I'm outta here, man,

I'm out of your guys' hair for now.

Yeah, that's great, man, I'm happy for you guys.

You get to go back in your room, then.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry about the stains.

I see our talk helped.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, seriously.

Hey, man, thanks for putting me up here, so...

No, no, thank you, bro.

I do appreciate it.

I appreciate it, big time.

Any, any time you need to come by.

Cool.

All right, up top.

Come on.

- Bro, really? - Yeah.

Dude, you don't know how long I've been waiting for this.

Come here.

High five, bro!

Ha!

See you later.

Bye, fruit.

Yeah, all good, bro.

How we do it in the family, right?

Is this Brandon?

Okay.

Come on in, ladies.

*

Just feel at home, ladies.

Um, do you guys want something to drink?

Water's fine.

Yeah.

Get the cups.

I got it.

All that tomato training for this, this night,

today is the day.

Here's your water, ladies.

Oh, what do you...

So what do you ladies like to do for fun?

We usually spend our time on Facebook, MySpace,

and games.

Really?

Well, when we're not hanging out at the skate park.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, do you guys like spicy foods?

Not really.

I love spicy food.

Really?

Yeah.

You guys have Halo Rage.

Yeah.

I mean, do you wanna play?

Totally, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa.

What's going on?

What?

Your cast just like... I... I'm healed.

It just popped off.

Yeah, yeah.

Real casts don't just pop off.

Yeah, right.

He's healed it just, you know,

when it heals it expires.

I don't think so.

My little brother had one on his arm

and we had to go to the doctor's

to cut it off.

His arm?

No, his cast.

I don't think so.

You're not real skaters.

You guys are just posers.

I'll just put this back on and we're skaters.

*

You're right.

We-, we're not really skaters.

Yeah, we just put on these stupid outfits

just so we could meet a couple nice girls like you.

Fakers.

Yeah, you guys are just fakers.

*

No, no, dude, no, it's Mike's fault.

He's the one who suggested these things.

And if we weren't wearing them it would never have happened.

It isn't my brother's fault.

It was my fault, dude.

I took it off, dude!

Just, no, it's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Dude, if, if I hadn't taken it off

we still would have been here with the girls,

but you know I like playing Halo naked,

I can't play with anything on.

*

God, we were this close.

Dude, we were this close.

Psych!

What?

Just kidding.

We're not really skater chicks.

What?

Yeah, we just hang out at skate parks

so we can meet nice guys.

Like you guys.

Yeah.

*

(indistinct conversation)

*

Now I think we should probably toast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

I'll get my bottle, let me get my bottle.

Um, we should toast for a long, long

hard, uh... friendship.

Cheers.

Yeah.

Let's just sit down.

Let me just clean this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do, um, do you wanna go to my room?

I'd rather stay out here with you.

Okay.

What if, what if I go with you?

Okay.

Yeah?

Sure.

Okay, it's over there.

*

Yeah, I mean, come on up, come on up, yeah.

Um, uh... I'm kind of hungry.

I totally feel like apple pie right now.

Yeah?

Yeah, totally.

Yeah?

Yeah, oh, I'm starving.

*

Come here, then.

Totally.

Why do all your tomatoe shave holes in them?

*

Hey, wanna know why a man is better than a Popsicle?