All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s34e10.1080p.web.h264-cakes_Track03

♪ ♪

As we embark on the sacred task
of choosing a new pontiff,

let the Holy Spirit guide us.

In nomine Patris et Filii
et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.

BART:
The Doge of Venice
sends his regards,

you (bleep) papal stooge.

Choke on your own junk,
Petrucci.

That'll teach you to exclude
the Ecumenical Council,

you (bleep) papist lapdogs.

Throat cut. Head chop. Taste it.

(bleep), (bleep), (bleep).

(groans):
Oh!

Where did you learn
to talk like that?!

-Was it Selma?
-Aw, honey,

we're just worried that
this bloody, potty-mouthed game

-is turning your mind to...
-To (bleep).

Oh, fine.

-Then can I play
Future War: Death Guts?
-No.

Future War 2: Brain Carnage?

No!

But then what do I play?

I have to play some game.

Of course you do.

MARGE: Do you like
your new game, sweetie?

-No.
-Do you want to stop playing?

-No.
-Perfect.

That's right
in the video game sweet spot.

I found that blocky game
on a moms' group.

It's an online world
where you learn to help, share,

and get virtual stickers
for celebrating our differences.

(groans)

It's good for all ages,

so I'm also letting Maggie play.

Let me help you get set up.

I downloaded the instructions
and-- Oh.

I guess giving you that thing
to shut you up at restaurants

really paid off.

MILHOUSE:
And these bushy eyebrows

are the cherry on top of
this hunk sundae. Uh-oh.

My nose is glitching.

Yeah, this stupid old computer
is super glitchy.

Why is the flat screen so thick?

Is it also a microwave?

Look, I bought this mohawk
with Bobux.

What the hell are Bobux?

It's the money
you use in the game.

You buy it
with your parents' credit card

so you can get skins,
costumes, wigs,

even a dragon codpiece.

BART:
Ah, you're the only person
on Earth

who looks lamer in a mohawk.

See if this rando will buy it.

"I'll sell it for one Bobux."

(cash register rings)

MILHOUSE:
Booyah!

BART:
Well, that's weird.

You got the money,
but you got another mohawk.

See if you can sell it again.

(cash register rings)

BART:
Another one.

Whoa, it's like printing money.

It's probably
'cause we're playing

on this crappy old computer.

Don't they have
these same old (bleep) Colecos

in the school computer lab?

(chuckles): They're even older
and more crappy.

Then that glitch
is gonna make us rich.

All we need to do is
round up a bunch of nerds.

Nerds we got.

-(video game music playing)
-(cash registers ringing)

(video game sound effects
playing)

Wow, Maggie.

You really love this game, huh?

So involving. Hmm.

I'm gonna log in
to see what's so fascinating.

Brought you
some strawberries and bananas.

Oh, you like bananas
but not strawberries.

Good to know. Wait!

You just talked!
You're talking!

With tiny pictures!
Do it again.

You hate broccoli.

Oh, my God, we're having
our first conversation.

This is amazing.

I'm talking to my baby.

(gasps)
Thank you, screen time.

Skinner, your school's
test scores made the paper.

-Hmm?
-The Chinese press
is using them as proof

of the decline of
the American educational system.

Well, we did have all that lead
in the water fountain pipes.

Oh, lead, lead, lead.

Everything's always lead
with you.

This school is a train wreck.

I want those numbers up,
Seymour.

Get me a PowerPoint
presentation Monday.

I'll have it done
by Sunday night.

Don't ruin my weekend.

(sighs) Hmm.

Strange, the download rate
is 87 megabytes per second.

We're paying for 91.

Better check the router.

Hmm?

Why aren't you students
in class?

Um, we're playing Oregon Trail
and no one's having a good time.

Hmm. I don't see
any oxen with dysentery.

Milhouse,
what's really going on here?

We found a video game glitch
that makes money

and now Bart is the boss of
a lucrative criminal enterprise!

You want strawberries
or Nutella?

A crepe station?

Simpson, you are
staring down the barrel

of a harshly-worded email
to your parents.

That I will follow up on.

Seymour, walk with me.

Well, I do need
9,000 more steps.

I'm gonna be straight with you.
We're printing money.

Yes, I saw Hubert's
Rolex fidget-spinner.

Now, I know you'd never take
any sketchy cash for yourself,

but what if we gave
this train wreck of a school

a piece of the action?

I wish people would stop

calling this school
a train wreck.

(exclaims)

(sighs)

Everyone else
sees Seymour Skinner

as a broken-down sad-sack
never-was in a cheap suit,

but I see a broken-down sad-sack
never-was in a cheap suit

with a vision for this school,

a vision he never dared
tell anyone about.

I do have a vision--
no, no, a desperate prayer--

that could save this school.

Tell me everything.

♪ In my dream
there's a theater ♪

♪ A theater so cool ♪

♪ They'll turn this dump ♪

♪ Into a magnet arts school ♪

♪ No testing to standardize ♪

♪ When all the kids
are "dolls" and "guys" ♪

♪ Academic benchmarks
cannot be exacting ♪

♪ When all you teach
is dance and acting ♪

♪ If the baseball team's
on a 12-game slide ♪

♪ We're not athletes,
that's a point of pride ♪

♪ All you need is just
one famous grad ♪

♪ An Idina Menzel
or even one Josh Gad ♪

♪ No more STEM classes
for this wide-eyed fool ♪

♪ Only fails and passes
when this dump becomes ♪

♪ A magnet performing ♪

♪ Arts ♪

♪ School. ♪

Aah!

(groans) I'm in.

-(video game music playing)
-(cash registers ringing)

Giving all these kids
computer lab passes

for the rest of the term
was a great idea.

Too bad we can't work
after-school hours.

What if we say
it's midnight basketball?

Ooh, Skinner,
who knew you were such a devil?

Well, I learned from the best.

-Or should I say, the worst?
-(chuckles)

So, how do you turn the game
dollars into real dollars?

We use the Bobux
to buy cucumbers

in the game Vegetable Crossing.

Then brine those
into Pickle Pesos,

which convert ten-to-one
in Delta miles,

then use those
to buy Panda Express gift cards,

which you donate
to Amnesty International,

then you can sell
the tax credits

for cold, hard Danish kroner.

(speaks Danish)

MARGE:
Now that we're finally talking,

there are so many things
I've been dying

to chat with you about.

Like,
what's your favorite animal?

Elephant!

And what do you want to be
when you grow up?

An elephant doctor.

Aw!

(gasps) You love me.

Oh, Maggie!

Uh, Marge, you're in this
game world all the time now,

so I'm trying to dry my pants
in the microwave.

Should I set it on "potato"
or "popcorn"?

Homie, Maggie just said
"I love you" to me.

I never thought I'd hear it
for the first time

in a massively multiplayer
online roleplaying game,

but I'll never forget it.

Wait, in this game
Maggie can talk?

There's so many things
I've wanted to ask a baby.

Why do you make eye contact
when you poop?

Do you remember
when I lost you at Home Depot?

Where do faces go
during peekaboo?

Maggie heart doughnut man?

But I'm doughnut man!

She loves me.
She loves me!

One of my three kids loves me!

Whee...!

(laughs)

Stupid art school.

(grunts)

We're gonna have
gum-proof floors,

acoustics that
make second graders

sound like sixth graders.

And the ceiling's
gonna be so high,

our resident opera ghoul won't
bump his head on the rafters.

Ouch!

Seymour, where on earth
did you find the money for this?

Um, look at
the parent donation thermometer.

(chuckles)

Ah, well, the thermometer
doesn't lie.

You wanted to see me, sir?

-We both wanted to see you.
-Martin,

when you run a business,
as we are,

you need a product and a market

and a workforce
that isn't full of...

-Jive-ass snitches.
-I'm sorry?

We've heard you're gonna sing
to your parents about this...

victimless thing of ours.

I-I have signed a mutual
honesty compact with them.

Oh, look, your report card.

Beautiful little A
you've got here.

(whimpers)

Would be a shame
if something happened to it.

God, no!

You sick bastard.

Okay, okay. I'll keep
your dirty video game secret.

Oh, man is wolf to man.

(cries)

Skinner, are you feeling this?

I know it's insane,
but we're like a team.

Working together,
shared interests,

we're more than a team.

We're colleagues.

Would you like to
put your feet up on my desk

as we daydream about our goals?

(helicopter blades whirring)

(chuckles)

(both sigh)

And top salesperson of the day
goes to...

Sherri, who unloaded
150 rainbow mohawks

at ten Bobux a pop.

(cheering)

Couple more days like that,

and you're getting
the trip to Honolulu.

(gasps)

This is new.

An ice cream truck.

Wait, they're shooting
ice cream at us.

(grunting)

BART:
It's an ice cream drive-by. Run!

(Milhouse panting)

Oh, no. It's a trap.

(Bart yells)

Not unicorns.

They're my second-favorite
magical horse.

JIMBO:
"Boblox belongs to us."

People, looks like
we've got ourselves a turf war.

(grunting)

-Bad news,
we've got competition.
-Who?

The Sunflower gang's IP address
belongs to some place called...

Limitless Frontier Horizons.

Hmm, what do you know?

The Montessori School.

Check out
the fancy groundskeepers.

Those aren't groundskeepers.
They're parent volunteers.

Pay for tuition,
then work for free.

What a racket.

(grumbles)

Good morning,
Principal Skinner.

Hello, "kids-call-you-Sandra."

Um... (clears throat)
maybe you're not aware of this,

but, uh, some of your students
have been interfering

with some of my kids', um,
independent study project.

Ooh, I'd love to help, but
our curriculum is student-led.

So if their passion is the
monetization of coding errors,

it's part of our core belief
system that I support them.

That's, uh, progressive school
mumbo jumbo for "screw you."

You can't tell me
you want war with us.

Um, well, "can't"
is a word we don't use here.

We also don't say "don't."
We just can't.

Are you even in charge?

No! I just send out emails

trying to convince parents
there's a plan to all this.

Oh, please come to
our silent auction next week.

One of our dads is Drake.

He'll emcee but not perform.

(sighs) That'll be all, Sandra.

Oh, that is a really nice tower,
Truth-Anne.

Yeah, yeah, they're all nice.

Let's take a walk.

Let me show you
what I've built here.

From day one, these curiosity
seekers have been told

they can succeed at
anything they set their mind to.

Do you think you can win
against that unbreakable,

unearned self-confidence?

Look, there's room in
the Boblox scam for both of us.

You take the gumdrop fields
and teddy bear bouncy rooms.

We keep the penguin fun land
and the mushroom castles.

Well, sharing is one of
the habits of the heart.

We accept.

(chuckles) Can you excuse us
for a moment?

What the hell are you doing?

What? We had to make a deal.

With only half the money,
there's no revolving stage,

no flying wire harness system.

Good luck doing
Angels in America.

We can't go to war
with these psychos.

Their self-esteem
is off the charts.

Take the deal.

(groans)

So, fellow lifelong learners,
do we have an understanding?

Yes, uh, we have
an understanding.

Understand this:

"When you come at the king,
you best not miss."

(chuckles): You're going
to quote The Wire to me?

My dad directed three episodes
in the dockyards season.

That season was slow, and also:

This. Is. War.

(groans)

Look, we can still get
a deal with these guys.

-Let's just go
back in there and...
-You're out.

-What?
-You don't have the stones

for the mohawk trade.

You can't fire me.

You're right, people
who are fired get a severance.

You get nothing.

This is my grift.
I brought you in.

It's all in the game, son.

All in the video game game.

Those self-esteem punks
are gunning for us.

I need a ruthless,
bloodthirsty general.

-Milhouse, you're up.
-(spits, coughs)

Me? But what about Bart?

(scoffs) He's history,

and this school
doesn't teach history.

Do it and you'll never
have to play dodgeball again.

And I get the pretty teacher
for fifth grade.

-Mrs. McCarthy?
-You know who I'm talking about.

Mm. Ms. Tanaka.

Let's hit these sunflowers
where it hurts.

They steal our princess tiaras,
we kill their unicorns.

They strangle our gnomes,

we glitter-bomb
their pumpkin patch.

So get out there
and paint the streets

with the blood
of tomorrow's leaders.

ASTRID AND FRENCH FRY:
Let's talk Boblox!

Hey, everybody!
It's me, Astrid.

And it's me, French Fry!

-Hi, Astrid.
-Hi, French Fry.

Have you been seeing
all this craziness in Boblox?

It's so crazy.

The Springfield kids
were selling mohawks,

but so were
the Montessori Sunflower kids,

so they got in a gang war.

Everyone is being so grouchy,
makes me sad.

Check out what happened
to the Springfield kids

at the Candyland.

I like bears,
but this one looks mean.

(growling)

-Aah!
-Ew. He was mean.

You are always right
about bears.

Don't ever rip me in half,
French Fry.

(gasps) I would never, Astrid.

BOTH: Online friends forever!

Oh, look, it's a fashion show.

I love fashion shows.

This Nelson guy looks
so cute in a vest.

Cutie alert!

Ouch. That Sunflower kid
is stabbing him.

Stabbing's for jerks.

The Springfield gang
is getting wiped out.

Astrid, why are candy canes
only for Christmas?

Great question.

Subscribers, post your theories.

No racist stuff, you guys.

BOTH: Bye!

HOMER: We did it.
We made our house in Boblox.

Aw, I wish Lisa were here, too.

Guys, you've been
in this game so long

that, out in the real world,

the lawn is overgrown,
Bart bought a Lexus,

and I had to go to my own
parent-teacher conference.

Turns out I'm a joy to have in
class and I might need glasses.

Guess what, honey.
Maggie talks in here.

Whoa, Maggie, you're
communicating using only emojis,

like an old person trying
to act like a teenager.

Ha! And, Dad,
you're not at Moe's?

Why would I be at Moe's

when we can play volleyball
with my head?

(grunts)

-Whee!
-(laughter)

Who would have thought that
our family would be happiest

inside a video game?

HOMER:
It's heaven, and it's all
from the comfort

of my real-life toilet.

♪ My dream of a theater ♪

♪ Has turned out so cool ♪

♪ The moment has come
for my magnet ♪

♪ Performing arts school. ♪

We're getting butchered
everywhere!

Good God. What about
our revenue stream?

They've taken it all.

Hmm. I'm gonna show these kids

something
they have no idea exists:

the real world!

(grunts)

Ah, stupid Skinner.

I'm done trying to make money
out of nothing.

I'm going all in on NFTs.

(phone chimes)

(groans)

(gasps) Apathetic face emoji?

Arts school!

He's destroyed
the community wasabi garden.

He's heading
for the computer lab.

What kind of nurturing is this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Out of my way.

Don't do this, Seymour.

Oh, I'm doing it.

If I crush their computer lab,
we beat these psychos.

Look at yourself. You're
about to bulldoze a school.

They took Daddy's money...

(engine revving)

...and I'm the daddy!

What's happening? We're in
unchartered school territory.

(clucks)

I've spent
the best years of your life

trying to drive you insane,

and now I don't want that.

This isn't you.
You're not a psycho.

You're lame,
like unfrosted cornflakes.

But I want to be Lucky Charms.

It's okay. Corn Flakes
is a surprisingly good cereal.

But crushing
this kombucha academy,

that'll ruin your life.

And being partners with you
has made me realize

you're... a human being.

No, I'm not.

You are. Walk away.

But I already rented
the costumes for Seussical.

It was never meant to be.

But... Josh Gad.

Josh Gad is not real.

He never was.

(sighs)
Right, of course he's not.

(backup alarm beeping)

Maybe there's
a teachable moment here.

In a sense, the bulldozer
is Anglo-Saxon privilege.

You're fired, Sandra.

Oh, thank you!

Come on, let's head
to Krusty Burger.

I'll buy you a shake

and you can tell me about
your other stupid dreams

that will never happen.

No, Bart, I'm done
living in a fantasy world,

because a fantasy world
is no place to live.

Sorry to bother you,
neighborinos, but, uh,

the newspapers have been
stacking up on your porch.

I just thought I'd peek in
and give you a lookie-loo.

Hello?

Mm...

(whimpers)

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

("Way Down in the Hole" by The
Blind Boys of Alabama playing)

♪ If you walk
through the garden ♪

♪ You better watch your back ♪

♪ Well, I beg your pardon ♪

♪ Walk a straight
and narrow track ♪

♪ If you walk with Jesus ♪

♪ He'll save your soul ♪

♪ You gotta keep the devil ♪

♪ Down in the hole ♪

♪ All the angels sing ♪

♪ About Jesus' mighty sword ♪

♪ And they'll shield you
with their wings ♪

♪ Keep you close to the Lord. ♪

Shh!