Original subtitles

? Baby, I heard a rumor ?

? ?

[MUSIC CONTINUES ON RADIO]

Aye!

? And show me what I wanna see ?

[RADIO TURNS OFF]

I cannot tell you how excited I am for this weekend.

Real estate!

Kelly.

This weekend is the Tri-State Real Estate Conference.

Yeah, the real Tri-State, Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio.

New York, New Jersey, and the other one can suck it.

So I'm gonna be pitching Flatch

as the next big thing to Ohio's top investors

at the On The Horizon presentations.

All the best realtors in the region are gonna be here,

so naturally, Kelly and I had to come and make an appearance.

Yeah. A-and I'm basically just here as Barb's first man,

which makes you the president of the conference in that scenario.

- [GIGGLES] - How do you like that?

This weekend was supposed to be about me and Barb,

like, growing our brand.

Now Shrub's here, which is cool,

'cause he's, like, my best friend's... boyfriend.

[HUFFS] I just thought it was gonna be me and Barb,

but whatever.

No, keep looking at your phone, dude.

Don't worry about me.

Hashtag, frickin' suite life!

- Ugh! - Wait, is this water free?

- Yeah, it comes with the room. - BOTH: What?

There's another room. There's another room.

What are we, frickin' rock stars?

- [LAUGHS] - Oh!

Oh, my God!

Okay, home sweet home.

So what do we wanna hit first, mixer, seminar?

I was actually thinking that we could maybe

just hang out in the room for a little bit.

Okay, yes, I love that.

Maybe we practice the pitch for the investors.

Let me know if you want any feedback, okay?

Everyone thinks I'm too honest.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, buddy. What the hell you doing?

Um, unpacking. Why?

Um, last I checked, you're not a realtor in training,

so these two queen beds are actually fit for two queens.

Yeah, Kel, Barb and I are a couple, and couples sleep together.

- Isn't that right, baby? - Um, yeah.

- You understand, right? - Yeah.

I'm gonna go sleep on the pullout couch. And I'm... that's okay.

- Got it, okay. - That would be great.

It's just we're probably gonna use both, so...

Hey, why don't you go check out the opening remarks,

and I'll meet you there in, like, 20 minutes.

Okay.

Okay, but if you miss the opening remarks,

closing remarks are gonna make zero sense!

Today, I am meeting with a new gynecologist, Dr. Amber Newton.

She is the best gyno within a 50 mile radius,

which isn't saying that much, 'cause there's only two.

The good news is, you have a pristine uterus.

[GIGGLING] Oh, well, thank you.

I'll put that on my r�sum�.

Yep. Now, the bad news,

medically speaking,

your ovaries are headed to early retirement.

I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

Do you want kids?

Oh, gosh. Uh... maybe? I don't know.

Is that bad? My boyfriend, Joe, has always been

very ready for kids,

but, um, it's been a crazy couple years.

Same here, girlfriend.

Ever since I got thrown off that horse, I haven't been the same since.

- Oh, my God, literally? - Yeah.

You know, and they say, get right back on the horse.

But if it is mad enough, it'll throw you off again,

and nobody tells you that.

Anyway, have you thought about freezing your eggs?

Oh. Um, honestly, no.

But I have read about it.

It's a great option for slowing down the clock.

And a lot of women take this route.

It gives them a little more agency and control.

When you're putting a listing on Zillow, make sure to use buzzwords

to drive traffic to your properties.

Buzzwords include: spacious, sun-drenched,

garage, backyard, pool.

Word to the wise, only put "pool"

if there really is a pool.

[LAUGHTER]

Learned that lesson the hard way.

Normally, I think school is so boring, but this is amazing, right?

I know that feeling.

Is this your first TSCC?

- Yeah. - Welcome.

Stan Foster, here on behalf

of the Foster Family Foundation Butter Bust Collection.

We're, uh, launching a new museum of our busts

exclusively carved from butter.

N-not the museum, the stuff inside of it.

- Okay. - We're actually on the hunt

for our new location for our new museum.

Yeah, our busts go back decades.

Not very many butter busters can say that,

because... you know, because they, um...

Because they melt.

Well, I... Kelly Mallet,

realtor of the stars...

Soon.

Uh, right now I'm mainly operating in Flatch, Ohio,

as I like to say "The Big Little Apple."

And I actually left my business cards at home.

And... but in trade for yours,

I would love to give you this piece of gum...

Unchewed.

Oh, you shouldn't have. [BOTH LAUGH]

- Nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you.

So always check to make sure that the space is homeowner-free.

[LAUGHTER]

Joe, I am freezing my eggs.

Huh. Frozen chicken eggs,

that's like a reverse hard-boil.

Oh, no. I... I mean in here.

Oh, wow. That's, uh...

That's kind of a big deal.

It is.

And it is also not.

- [CHUCKLES] - Yeah.

Like putting your bananas in the freezer

to save 'em for a smoothie later in the week.

But it is also okay if you forget about them and they get freezer burn.

Does this mean you want kids?

Ye... I... don't know.

All I know is I have the ovaries of a Golden Girl,

and, um, I am running out of time.

So even though I'm very,

- very young still, I... - Hey, hey, hey.

Young or not, this is great.

- It's a good thing. - What's the "or not?"

No, you're young.

You're so young, like a... like a baby bird.

You know, like a... A baby bird having a baby?

Well, I'm not having a baby. I am just getting an egg retrieval.

But I do need your help.

Sure. Come on, anything you need.

I need you to inject me with hormones

to prepare my body for the procedure.

Just has to happen a couple times a day.

- Oh. - Meet me in the bathroom?

I am terrified of needles,

even the ones they use to blow up basketballs.

That's why I ended up on the badminton team.

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

- Hi! - Hi, girlie.

Oh, my God, what'd I miss?

Dude, check out my haul... Literally three mouse pads.

They're just giving these out. I don't even have a mouse.

Dude, who cares? They're free.

- Exactly. - I mean, that's amazing.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoo!

I have the great honor of announcing a very special surprise guest,

our Friday night keynote speaker,

coming all the way from Florida...

Oh, my God, you got to be kidding me. Another Floridian?

[GASPS] Oh, you know what?

I bet it's Becky Winters. Uh-huh.

- She is twisted. - Oh, heck yeah.

Please give a warm Tri-State area welcome

to our friend all the way from Pompano Beach...

- What? - The one and only,

Bert Feliciano!

ALL: [CHANTING] Bert! Bert! Bert! Bert!

Hello, beautiful people.

Is that...

My [BLEEP] ex-husband.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

Screw Bert. He thinks he can just

roll up into my conference...

- Hey. - All confident and successful

- and keynote speaker-y... - Mm-mm.

- Hi. - Wearing a suit that I got him

for our anniversary?

It's like, what? No. I'm happy too.

You know what, he can suck it, so...

- Yeah, he can suck it big. - Yep.

Well, well, well, if it isn't

the most beautiful lady in the whole damn conference.

What are you doing here, Bert?

You know I can't say no to a extra leg room economy ticket

and continental breakfast.

Besides, I had a throbbing sense that you might be here.

[CLEARS THROAT] Hi. Uh, Shrub.

I'm, uh, Barb's current, uh,

person of interest, sexually speaking.

Do the math.

Here I was about to hand you my keys.

- Oh, yeah? - Thought you were the valet.

Let me get you a drink, Barbie.

Uh, I'm not thirsty, and don't call me that.

Ah, everyone's thirsty. Two vodka Bertinis.

Put it on the penthouse suite.

- Yes... - Last name Feliciano.

A-and I will do a vodka Gatorade.

Okay, or not.

Heard you landed back in Flatch, Barb.

Pretty small market up there. How's that working out for you?

You know what, Flatch is amazing.

And it's not about the size of the market.

It's what you do with it. But you wouldn't know

anything about that, so.

Exactly. Hey, Bert, man to man,

Barb actually has to get ready for a presentation.

So I think you should go. No offense,

but your stinky breath's giving everyone a migraine.

Ugh, God.

Is that so?

Yeah, it is. I'm thriving, okay?

I'm thriving, Bert. So just deal with it.

I will not let that man make me feel bad about my career choices...

Or my life choices or my boy toy choices.

I have moved on. Barb is doing great. Eye on the prize.

And Operation "Get Flatch on the Map" is still a go, so...

But damn, he smelled good.

Quick, before someone sees us.

What if I put it on a chair and you just sit on it?

[SIGHS] Let's get this over with.

I have to go back to work.

Okay, we're gonna do it.

[INHALES]

We're doing it. We're doing it.

Yep. Starting now.

Three, two, one.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Seeing Bert yesterday definitely threw me

for a curveball, but today is a new day.

I've got my pitch, I've got my boy toy,

I've got my new attitude, and... oh,

big ol' glass of wine never hurt anybody.

[LAUGHS] So bottoms up. Go, Barb.

[GASPING]

Shrub, how many seconds was that?

I'm sorry, I lost count. Barb was nibbling my ear.

Damn it, Shrub! I was under there

for, like, five minutes. Are you serious?

You guys, I think I figured out

how to breathe underwater using the air jets.

Heh-heh-hey. I thought I might find you here.

Uh, yeah, obviously we're here.

It's the hot tub. It's, like, the hottest place you can be in a hotel.

Good one. [INHALES DEEPLY]

Mm. That chlorine's taking me back.

Remember Charleston, Barb, 2009, La Quinta Inn?

- I don't. - That hot tub looked

like a crime scene by the time we were through with it.

Ew, what? What'd you do?

Adult stuff, don't worry about it.

[GRUNTS] You guys don't mind if I knock out

a couple push-ups right here, do you?

Never know who you're gonna be lifting up later.

This guy gets it.

[STRAINING] Two, three.

[LAUGHS] It's so easy.

Barb, hop on my back like we did in the old days.

No, I'm fine right where I'm at, thank you.

- Suit yourself. - Yeah, you know what, big guy?

I'm actually feeling pretty push-uppy myself.

Hop on up, Seabiscuit. [INDISTINCT]

[CLAPPING]

Uh!

Nice form. Psych.

- Good. - Ugh!

I'm moving to modified.

Barb, I'm gonna go shower off...

Nude.

- Wanna join? - No.

Clearly, I have moved on, Bert, okay?

All right, well, penthouse suite if you change your mind.

Bring the rest of that sandwich.

- Water's warm. - Uh, she's a little busy

being a real estate tycoon, Bert!

And actually, she's busy having sex with my cousin!

Ah, I'm gonna sleep well tonight.

Things did not go great for Shrub back there.

Or Barb.

Or really me, because I don't even know

if I broke my PR for underwater breath-holding.

[SIGHS] But Barb's gonna turn it around at the presentation.

She's totally gonna bring it home for Flatch.

Barb?

Barb!

Something is going on with those two.

And I'm not stopping until I figure out what it is.

- Joe, just do it. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Shut up.

Enough is enough. You are killing me.

Just stick the needle in me. Do it now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Drugs.

Looking back, all the signs were there.

I mean, no sober person would dress the way Cheryl does.

It's just so much darker than I imagined.

I have to act fast before they turn Cheryl's sad life into a podcast.

So we have a bit of a situation on our hands.

Barb is wasted, and her presentation starts pretty...

Right now.

Okay, uh, so we're gonna sober her up, obviously.

Unfortunately, we ate most of what the minibar has to offer,

but we are using what we have left.

Dude, it's not working! It's not working.

- Um... - Come on.

- Baby bird it. Baby bird it. - Okay, okay.

Okay, Barb, I'm about to baby bird you a cracker.

- Can I have your permission? - Great, great, great.

Get it in. Get it in. Get it in. Get it in.

[MUFFLED] Oh, it's not working!

Give me it! Give me it!

I'm gonna tickle her. You spit it in.

Tickle. Tickle, tickle. [GIGGLING]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Come here, come here, oh, my God.

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, my God!

Barb, come on, okay? The pitches have started.

You can do this. You're a real estate maven.

- You got it. - [SLURRED] Bert was right.

I'm never gonna make it in Flatch. I suck.

- No, you do not suck, dude. - Yeah.

You are literally the coolest person I've ever met

and the best kisser, truly.

Bert didn't think so. I mean, he basically left me

in a dumpster for dead, so...

That's horrific.

This isn't about Bert, okay?

This is about you being a boss bitch and selling Flatch.

You told me this pitch was gonna really change stuff

for us, and, like, I really wanted that.

I'm sorry, Kelly. I can't do it.

I can't.

Well, I'm not gonna let Bert ruin it for me too.

- [DOOR OPENS] - Where's she going?

I don't know.

Oh, she's back.

- Looks good on her. - I'm doing the pitch,

for you, for me,

and for Flatch.

Sorry, that felt kind of dramatic, but it just felt like a cool moment.

No, dude, that was cool, the coolest thing I've ever seen.

I appreciate you now and always...

- Yeah... - Kelly...

Yes?

I want you to take Stacy,

my success wig.

- [CHUCKLES IN AMAZEMENT] - Are you frickin' serious?

As a heart attack. You got this.

Literally never lets anyone do that, not even me.

You can do this.

Yeah, perfect. Go get 'em.

- Go. - It looks great.

- It does. - Go get 'em.

Go, Kel, go!

[DOOR CLOSES] Oh.

[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, Mallet, you got this.

And that's a wrap!

Thank you so much, everyone!

[APPLAUSE AND INDISTINCT SPEECH]

Be sure to meet us at the hotel bar...

Bar's this way.

No.

See you out there!

Uh, have you heard of a town called Flatch?

Oh. Sorry.

[BLEEP]

Oh, my God!

Come quick. Something's wrong with June.

- Oh. - Oh.

[GASPS] Oh, my God, June!

[CRIES OUT]

No pulse.

Get out of the way. I know CPR, I think.

Okay, well, it's too late. All right?

- She's dead. - Oh, my God!

Cause of death: a drug overdose!

Wha...

And... scene.

[GRUNTS]

Addiction, bad. Drugs, bad.

Are you scared yet?

It's time to get scared straight!

What is happening right now?

June's not dead.

What I saw today was very concerning.

So I had to do something.

See something, say something.

Hashtag, be a hero.

Hey. What are you talking about?

There were needles in the communal needle box,

which has been empty for, like, ten years.

Wait, you were going through the needle box?

- Is that even legal? - Cheryl, hey, look at me.

Look, can you see me right now?

When did the drug abuse start?

Was it the day you wore that horrifying purple nap dress,

or... oh, my God, it was when you decided

to cut your own bangs, wasn't it?

It's okay to ask for help.

I was addicted to energy drinks back in the day.

- Oh. - And also LSD.

But it was the '60s

- through the '80s. - Okay.

Yeah, I'm not doing any drugs,

well, at least not any of the fun ones.

[GROANS] I'm freezing my eggs!

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Yeah, the injections are to get

as many eggs as possible before the procedure.

So you are having a baby.

- No, no. - Not yet.

Wait, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Back up, back up, back up. You-you've been sober

while you're getting dressed every day?

The point has been made, Nadine.

I can't... I feel like I'm on drugs.

Honestly.

Here you go.

I got this from the sink, but the Cincinnati tap water's,

like, super good, so I think you're gonna love it.

- Thank you. - Of course.

You are my queen.

About that, I think we should talk.

Oh, sorry, yeah, I was just trying "queen" out

to see if it worked, but I agree.

- No, no, no. - It doesn't work when I sa...

I don't mean about that.

- Oh. - I... I mean about us.

I think we should talk about us.

Okay.

I think we can both see that I'm not over Bert.

I mean, I thought I was,

but I'm having a really hard time.

Yeah, I... I feel that.

Um, real quick, if this is about the push-ups,

like, the floor was really wet.

It was not about the push-ups.

Shrub, you didn't do anything wrong.

I need time to process this.

I need to Barb out.

Oh.

Alone.

So are...

Are we... breaking up?

- Yeah. - Okay.

I'm so sorry.

Well, should we have breakup sex?

It's just we... we've done it, like, 11 full times.

I just like if we got to, like,

- an even dozen, it might be... - No.

- Mm... mm, no. - Okay.

[SIGHS]

You know, you win some, you lose some.

But this conference is every year,

so that's 365 days to make another slammin' pitch...

Stan? Stan.

Stan, it's Kelly from yesterday in a wig.

Ah, hey, Kelly. How's the conference treating ya?

Okay, no time for small talk. I would love to tell you about Flatch.

We were actually supposed to be on the In the Horizon thing...

N-no, no, Kelly, I'm done for the day.

Uh...

- Mmm. - You following me?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Just give me a chance.

All right, fine, Kelly, elevator pitch.

Hit me.

Elevator.

Okay.

Sometimes I'm at home and I go, I can't stop thinking about elevators.

What a cute little square box that you're just hopping around in.

We do not have any in Flatch right now,

but we could get some if y... or no.

We don't need it because butter doesn't even need to rise,

- 'cause heat rises. - I meant why should I build

in Flatch?

Okay, so Flatch is literally the greatest place on the entire Earth.

Okay? And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm talking to you.

But I've lived there my entire life, and I hate leaving.

I hate going out of town because it has everything you could ever want.

Like, we just got a soda machine where you can just press a button

and have any drink that you want.

Like, you could just be like, oh, I'll have

half Sprite, half root beer. And no one says no.

Um, we're also perfect distance

between Indianapolis and Pittsburgh,

so people love to stop for a pee or for snacks.

Oh, my God. I should have led with this.

I should have led with this.

Everyone in Flatch loves butter...

So frickin' much. The doctor goes, "No more butter,"

and they just still eat it.

So you butter believe in Flatch.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Um, I just made that last tag up,

and a little bit of some of the stuff earlier, but...

All right, Kelly.

Flatch just made my short list.

- Really? - Really.

Now don't follow me into the bar.

Oh... [LAUGHING]

Okay.

I really wanna go in the bar too,

but I don't know, like, what's a n-normal amount of time

to wait before it's not weird?

[CHOKED UP LAUGH]

I'm so proud of myself.

Since the cat's out of the bag

about my egg freezing, Nadine has volunteered to give me injections.

Well, less volunteered, more insisted.

She was really into it.

She also gave me a bunch of her old outfits.

Which I fully understand has nothing to do with the baby thing.

I mean, so basically now Stan and I are best buds,

and he's gonna, like, build a butter empire in our backyard

if we play our cards right, I mean...

That's awesome, Kel.

Why are you sad about my awesome news? W-what's going on?

Barb and I, like, broke up.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's a bummer.

I was actually starting to feel things for her.

- Mm-hmm. - And not, like, sex things,

but, like, real things.

Even though the sex things were also very incredible.

Of course. Of course. Hey, I'm really, really sorry, dude.

I mean it. For what it's worth,

I do think it's probably for the best.

? I've got the eye of the tiger, a fighter ?

? Dancing through the fire ?

? 'Cause I am a champion ?

Sing! Why aren't you singing?

? And you're gonna hear me roar ?

Barb still has a lot of stuff to work through.

Yeah.

Know what might help?

What?

Charged it all to Bert's room.

Uh, penthouse suite, last name Feliciano.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Got him.

Best weekend ever.

Also, I totally won the push-up contest.

- A hundred percent, dude. - Yeah.

No.

Five-second rule.

Put it on. Put it on. Put it on.

Ah, that was almost very bad.

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