Original subtitles

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

Downloaded from YTS.MX

ANNOUNCER: Live from the front yard

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

of Mr. Winchell's spookily decorated house,

it's The Paloni Show! Halloween Special!

Featuring performances by Philvia Crim,

Michaels Smith, Tony Shandals,

Guy Shrunt, Mustard Girl.

And of course, Mr. Winchell and his one-man puppet show.

And now, please welcome your favorite hosts--

Leroy Paloni, Reggie Paloni,

and Cheruce Paloni.

- Hey, everybody,

we, uh, we're the Palonis, and this is a huge--

We like specials. We like hosting specials.

That's like a thing we love as a family and--

- Yeah, yeah, this is a big opportunity for us.

By the way, I'm Reggie. - Yeah, and I'm Leroy,

and this is our sister Cheruce.

And, you know, tonight we have some great Halloween comedy shorts

we're going to be showing you along with some incredible performances.

Live right here,

uh, in front of Mr. Winchell's house.

- Our entire special hosted

in front of this unimpressive dump.

- Hey, what the fuck's the matter with you?

Shut the fuck up. - Oh, come on, Cheruce.

She's just a little irritated today.

- Hey, I had ideas for this fuckin' special.

We should have wrote a story.

It's a Halloween special.

It needs practical effects, gore, suspense.

Oh, I don't know, maybe somebody getting stabbed in the fucking face.

That's what Hulu wants, baby.

- Who did you talk to at Hulu, huh?

Shut the fuck up!

LEROY: Okay. - This was all approved.

Everything behind me was approved, all of this.

- You know what? Why don't we just get the ball on the road

and check out our first short of the night.

Uh, here we go.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Hey, Leon,

should I go to the party as a woodpecker

or a banana?

- Dude, banana.

That's what you gotta be. Chicks love bananas.

- Really? Banana it is.

- Guess that means I'm stuck being the woodpecker.

[car horn blaring]

♪ party music playing ♪

- Hey-hey, buddy, check me out.

These chicks are pecking me raw.

[grunts]

[people cheering]

- Damn it, why'd I choose banana?

No one likes banana.

- Not much fun in there, is it?

- Oh, totally. It's not really my scene.

- Me either.

You want to go somewhere we might fit in?

- Really? Sure, yeah. I'd like that.

[car horn blaring]

Wow.

A super-exclusive billionaire party.

[moaning]

I guess being a banana kind of worked out for me tonight.

- [giggles] I told you we'd fit in.

Come, this way.

They're about to begin the peeling.

- Begin the what now?

♪ foreboding piano music playing ♪

- Aah!

[groaning]

[groaning]

- Aaaah!

- Uh, this isn't the kind of party I thought it was.

I, uh, I probably should go.

My friend is likely wondering where I am.

- No, you can't go.

Not until you peel me.

- You want me to peel you?

- Yeah, peel me.

This isn't your first banana party, is it?

- No, no, of course not.

I've been to banana parties before,

so it's not strange at all for me to peel your skin off.

[groaning, panting]

Not weird, not weird, not weird at all.

[groaning]

- Okay, my turn.

Don't move.

Wait, why do you have a zipper on your--

Oh no.

- Yeah, uh...

I think there might have been a miscommunication here.

- You have to leave.

You shouldn't be here. Quick.

- Halt!

Why hath that banana still his skin?

The rules are clear.

Or does he think us unworthy

to bear witness to his fruit?

- No, he does not think you unworthy.

- Then he must drop his skin immediately.

Or I will take personal offense.

- No offense meant.

I can drop my skin.

I can drop my skin right now,

Dropping my skin.

Ta-da!

- As I suspected.

Human.

- So, can I go now or what?

[indiscernible police radio chatter]

- Damn. Another clumsy accident.

That's the third banana peel this week.

When will people start to learn to watch where they're walking?

- I'm not so sure it was an accident, detective.

I think this whole scene has been staged.

- [chuckles] A murder?

Who would want this kid dead?

- I don't know,

but you can be damn sure I'll find out.

[car horn blaring]

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Told us th-they liked the idea of us being

in front of Mr. Winchell's house for the whole thing.

- You don't say anything

unless you read it off these cards, alright?

You're going to fucking blow this for us.

- Coming up, Mr. Winchell jerks off his dog.

- That's not what I wrote. - Come on, Cheruce, cut it out!

- I-I-I just want to say this is a really important opportunity,

and I want to thank Hulu for believing in us.

It's our goal to make the best Halloween special ever,

right here in front of Mr. Winchell's house.

- Remember, they really wanted us

to be in front of Mr. Winchell's house.

They really li-- So I don't know where this is coming from.

- Yep, they called me up and they told me that too so...

- Yeah, and they said it in the meeting.

- They said it twice. - A couple times.

I mean, you know, they've been very good partners for us so--

- That's-- Hey, you know what though?

That's family, I guess. - Okay, okay.

Reel it in, guys. We're fucking live.

- Thank you for the note, Cheruce.

But, like, you know, this is the show.

- Oh, I couldn't tell. - It's fine, Cheruce.

- This is the show. - It's going exactly as planned.

- Where have you guys been?

You promised to take Little Long-Legs trick or treating!

- We're hosting our Halloween Special, Aunt Stephanie!

We told you! - This is important, Stephanie.

Get out of here! [all shouting]

- This day couldn't get any worse!

- I have never been invited to a party before

or had any real friends, and these cool people saw me

in 7-Eleven and they liked my look.

And now I can't go to their party

because you don't give a dried-up fuck about your cousin?

You monsters!

You try only having sex once

and then becoming a single mother with a retarded kid.

Fuck you! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay-- - Classy, Aunt Stephanie.

- Do not use that word on our Hulu special.

God, what is wrong with you? - People are watching at home.

- So sorry for that.

- Great. Here's his costume.

Oh, and by the way, he has diabetes.

- He's got diabetes.

AUNT STEPHANIE: Type two, he did it to himself.

LITTLE LONG-LEGS: I want candy.

- Oh, my God. Okay, calm down, Little Long-Legs.

- Leroy, diabetes is going to throw off the entire vibe.

I-I don't think they want us talking about that.

Even if it is his own fault.

- I think diabetes type two is a protected class.

- Well, that's even worse. - Okay, we should really throw it

to the next... the next short while we figure this out.

- You know what, you're right, Reggie.

Uh, hey, everybody, let's check out our next short.

Here we go.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids.

Get ready for Plopsie and Friends!

[kids cheering]

Here's Annie Alphabet and Captain Colors!

- Hey, kids.

Welcome to a very special Halloween episode.

You know, Halloween can be spooky,

but it doesn't have to be scary.

- Now, let's have a warm welcome

for our favorite kooky cuddle monster.

BOTH: It's Plopsie!

[kids cheering]

[groans, burps]

[bottle shatters] - Oh, shit.

- Whoa, Plopsie, are you okay?

CAPTAIN COLORS: What happened to you?

- Hey, never take a swim in the LA River.

There are portals there.

- Okay. Uh, Plopsie, why don't you tell us

about some of the spookiest things about Halloween.

- Ghosts and ghouls and goblins, oh my.

- Yeah, you want to know spooky? I fell into this fucking portal.

- Jesus Christ, Plopsie.

- And I saw the future.

You guys better start kissing ass to the lizard people

'cause I swear to shit they're taking over.

[gags, burps]

- Plopsie, are you okay, like, medically?

- Do you want to maybe go home.

- Me go-- You fucking go home, I'm fine.

I'm fucking fine. Let's do this shit.

I've got a date after this. I'm trying to wrap early.

- Okay, Plopsie. Why don't you tell us about werewolves?

- No, fuck that. - Alright.

- I was playing Marco Polo by myself in the LA River this morning.

- You actually can't do that.

- I got sucked into a vortex, kids,

and the lizard people took me.

They did tests on me.

They mated with me.

- Alright, let's talk about trick or treating.

- Long story short, now I can never die.

It'll be my greatest curse, right, kids?

- I'm having a bad time.

- Let's talk about what's scary on Halloween

that maybe doesn't need to be so scary.

- What is scarier than what I just told you?

[howling] - Oh, Captain Colors, did you hear that sound?

- Sounds like we just got a letter.

- In what fucking world does getting a letter make that sound?

- Toby, age five, from Arkansas says,

"I love Halloween,

"but I'm scared of haunted houses.

What do I do?"

- Well, Toby, you have to remember

that everyone in a haunted house is a person, just like you--

- Don't! Let me talk to you for a second, man-to-man.

BOTH: No!

- Toby, I'm going to give you some coordinates and a machete.

I need you to come here and kill me.

- No, we're not giving Toby any coordinates.

- It may not work the first time,

but I will give you so many shares of my company

if you just keep chopping.

- Plopsie, you have a company?

- I sell used needles. - You sell them used?

- Yeah, but we make it up in volume, baby!

- Okay, uh--

[retches]

CAPTAIN COLORS: O-okay.

- Okay, Kayla M. from Michigan is seven years old.

- Kayla, what poisons does your daddy have?

- Plopsie, I'm going to need you to stop asking children to kill you.

ANNIE ALPHABET: Also, can you pull your weight?

We're only supposed to do the intro,

and you're making us steer this whole thing.

[phone buzzing] - Uh, oh shit, hold that thought.

Uh, my date's waiting for me in the bathroom.

I gotta wrap this up.

- In the bathroom?

- Yep, handicap stall.

Plopsie's still got it!

- Okay, no, can we-- can we roll the song?

- Don't you fucking dare, Jeff!

- Please do the song. Just roll the song--

- Come on, Je-- Oh shit, here we go.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

♪

♪ Every day is a special day that we can be with you ♪

♪ Thank you for making our day so great ♪

♪ We love to... ♪ - No, no gasoline in the studio.

♪ Spending the day with you has been sublime ♪

♪ And we're so excited to see you next time ♪

- No, no-- - Okay, can we evacuate the kids.

There's going to be a fire.

CAPTAIN COLORS: Stop, stop. - Uh-oh.

- No. No matches. No!

ANNIE ALPHABET: Okay, the studio's on fire.

Uh, yeah, I'm just--

[alarm blaring] [kids screaming]

Everybody follow me outside.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Welcome back, folks.

Wow, that was sure was a fooky, spooky, funny time.

- You're darn right it was.

That's what's so great about... the Palonis

and, and what we do.

You know, this is why th-th-this whole thing is so special.

- Well, hey, guess what? We're taking this on the road.

That's the news. That's the big announcement.

- Cheruce, is Little Long-Legs in his costume yet?

CHERUCE: Yep.

- I'm Tiny Shortlegs.

- Little Long-Legs, your legs are like your whole shtick.

Why, why would you pick a costume that doesn't show them off,

you know, like, like show those, show those bad boys off, baby.

- I hate my long legs. I'm ugly!

- Oh, come on, you shouldn't be ashamed of your long legs, little guy.

- Why not? They're so long and nasty.

- Shut up, Cheruce!

Be quiet for once.

It's okay. Look, I-I think your costume is great,

and I think everyone will love it.

- I want candy!

- What the fuck are you supposed to be dressed as?

You fucking piece of shit.

That is so offensive.

It's not the '90s anymore.

You might as well be in a fucking blackface.

Oh, you didn't know we lived here?

Everybody knows us.

This is targeted bigotry. This is no accident.

- Check out this next short.

At least those are mostly good.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

♪ ominous music playing ♪

[lightning cracks]

[woman panting]

[electricity crackles]

[panting]

[grunts]

[thunder rumbling]

[woman whimpers]

[creepy laughter]

[woman screaming]

[whimpers]

[man panting]

[whimpering]

[man screams]

[coughing]

[monster growls]

[cell phone ringing]

- Um, I should take this.

- Hello.

Hi. Hey, can I call you back?

I just...

What do you mean I need to come in?

More testing.

[stammers] I see. Okay.

Um... thank you.

[phone beeps]

Had a screening for cancer last week

and, um, come in for more testing.

That can't be good, right?

I don't even know why I'm telling you this.

I mean, how would I even come in?

I mean, I'm stuck in the middle of the woods.

What's that?

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

[chains clinking]

♪

[MRI machine whirring]

- I'm so sorry.

[man crying]

[monitor beeping]

[indiscernible announcement on PA]

[sighs]

[wheels squeaking]

Aah!

[grunts]

Aah.

[water sloshing]

[both laughing]

♪

[grunting]

[man laughs]

[slurping]

♪ uplifting music playing ♪

♪

- You're officially cancer free.

- Can I just say thank you.

You know, for, for being here with me

at every step of the way, Rubber Face.

You have-- [groans]

[coughs]

- Oh!

Oh, dear God, please don't...

I have children, please.

[laughs]

[phone ringing]

It's my oncologist.

Hello. You know, now it's not the--

What do you mean I need to come in?

Cancer.

[sad moaning]

What the fuck.

- Th-th-this is a disaster, alright.

This is not the show that Hulu signed off on, Leroy.

Right now, we should be smack dab in the middle

of Philvia Crim's incredible human pretzel routine.

- Where the fuck are we? - I'm really sorry, folks.

I don't know what to do either, Reggie.

I don't like being off the rails like this.

Let me just think.

- I'm afraid there's no time to think.

My name is Dr. Toomis.

I work at the local mental institution

for the criminally insane.

Have you seen this man?

- Is that Michael Myers?

- No, it's Dana Carvey.

Sorry, no, Dana Carver.

He's wearing a Dana Carvey mask.

Garth from Wayne's World.

His birth name is Dana Carver.

He's my patient. He escaped.

He carves up his victims into what can only be described

as human salad.

- Uh, listen, sorry. We're not interested.

We don't have any money.

We're trying to host a show here.

Uh, everybody watching at home, uh, bear with us.

I'm trying to figure this out. - No, I'm not homeless.

Dana is carving his way through this town, please!

I'm warning you and everyone.

My name is Dr. Toomis.

- You know, Leroy, I got a confession to make to you.

I-I-I did have cash on me.

I've, I've got $50 of cash on...

- Keep it. He'd just use it on drugs.

- Well, yeah, listen, it's, it's--

He'll be fine. He'll land on his feet.

- You think so? - Yeah.

I mean, did you see how he was dressed?

- He was dressed better than me some days.

- Yeah, he's probably got somebody--

- Hey, probably some angel out there looking out for him.

- Oh, oh, Leroy.

Watch out for that bowl of body parts.

- Oh geez, thanks, Reggie. Almost stepped in it.

Kind of looks like, I don't know, human salad.

Huh, only on Halloween, right?

Ugh, gross.

- Oh, grosser than Guy Shrunt

and his tight five about that Michael Jackson docu--

What is a "tight five"? - It's a comedy term.

- The Guy Shrunt Michael Jackson bit is great.

I-- Shut up.

Doesn't make any sense anymore. LEROY: Leave the cards out of it.

- Just forget the cards. - Fine!

- You know what?

- Leroy, I got an idea.

Why, why don't we throw to two shorts

instead of, instead of just one short.

- Yeah, okay, that's perfect. Two shorts in a row.

- Yeah, two shorts. Yeah, yeah.

- That's unorthodox for us, but we're going to do it.

- Well, the audience sure must be happy about hearing that.

- Uh, take it away, two shorts.

- Take it away. Here you go, two.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

MAN: Hey, manager.

You're the manager.

I have a problem.

My apartment smells like both piss and shit.

It also smells a little bit like salami.

But that part I'm okay with!

- I got to, um, um, um, um...

inspect the yoga room.

Whew!

Man, I don't want to deal with any problems today.

- Reed, thank God you're here.

I have a problem.

- Bronwen, unit 403.

Sorry, but I'm, uh, here to practice, uh, yoga.

- Always dodging responsibility.

Remember the broken elevator.

It's been months.

- I fixed that. - So, you're here for yoga.

Do you even know how to do yoga?

- Do I know how to do yoga?

Do I know how to do yoga?

- You don't know how to do yoga, do you?

- So I don't know how to do yoga, is that so?

- No! - Woo-ha!

- Wow, you do know how to do yoga.

This morning, my neighbor tried to bite me.

I think he's a zombie.

- It's Halloween.

Probably just trying to spook you.

Was he wearing a costume? - He was nude.

- I've heard enough. Sounds like a zombie.

- Let me guess,

but you are not going to do anything about it.

- Wrong again.

I'll shoot the motherfucker in the head.

[goofy laughter]

[bell dings] BRONWEN: It's broken.

REED: It's not broken.

[sniffing]

Strawberry lime.

[sniffs] Your yogurt.

BRONWEN: You can smell that far away?

- I can smell the milk and bacteria.

That's how good I am at smelling.

- Go ahead, press the button. It's broken.

- It's not broken. I fixed that--

[rattling] [Bronwen screaming]

[elevator bell dings]

- How the hell you stay still during all that?

- Because there is nothing wrong with the elevator,

I fixed it, per what I've been saying this whole time.

- Who is it? I'm nude in here.

REED: It's Reed.

- Oh please, don't shoot me. I'm nude.

- You're a zombie...

idiot.

- First, I'm nude. Now this.

[Bronwen grunts] [gunshot]

- Ow! My eye.

- That's right. Surprise, we're both zombies.

It was our elaborate plan to lure you up here and eat you.

- They'll replace you with a manager who actually does work around here.

- Your management is a disaster,

but soon you'll be nothing more than a meal.

- Why is he smiling?

- You both fell for my plan.

I knew you were a zombie the day you moved in.

Smelling your yogurt was the final proof.

In addition to strawberry and lime,

I detected gray matter.

Yogurt made from brain.

- Oh, and shooting yourself in the eye was part of your plan?

- It was the perfect distraction. BRONWEN: Oh!

What did you do to me?

REED: I intentionally left the elevator broken

waiting for this off chance.

And your yogurt was the perfect receptacle

for the acid that I brought.

[Bronwen screams]

ZOMBIE: But what about me?

I could still eat ya', you know?

- Go ahead.

- Is this part of your plan too? - Eat me.

- What if I don't want to? - Eat me!

- I don't want to!

[laughs]

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Ho, ho!

[whirring]

[grunts]

- Oh! [gasping]

[all whimper]

[growls]

[woman screaming]

ALL: Huh?

- Hmm?

[giggles]

[whimpering]

[snarling]

[gulps, whimpers]

- I told you not to invite Steve!

[woman sobs]

MAN: Oh!

[bones crack]

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

[Little Long-Legs panting] CHERUCE: Stop running!

- Oh man, that was great. Right, folks?

- Sorry, folks at home.

Just as soon as Little Long-Legs gets his candy,

we'll be back on track at Mr. Winchell's house in no time.

- Uh, yep, yep.

That's, that is how it's going to work.

CHERUCE: Would you slow the fuck down, you little cretin?

- All the best houses are up here.

They give us full-size candy bars.

- Oh no.

He's headed into the abandoned Fletcher house, Leroy!

- Cheruce! Catch him!

- I'm trying, goddammit. He's too fast.

[door slams]

- Cheruce, you, you idiot!

He's, he's in this fucking nightmare house now.

- Fuck you, Reggie. Get off my back.

- Hey guys, listen. We--

Let's just keep it together, okay?

- L-L-Leroy, we should probably just throw it to the next short.

Just throw it to the next short. - Uh, okay, yeah.

Um, everybody, buckle in for the next Halloween short.

Take it away.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

♪ hard rock music playing ♪

MEGG: Goddammit,

the cupboards are bare. WEREWOLF JONES: What's that?

- Vegan foie gras, expired in 2014.

- Yeah, I'm so hungry.

Stupid fucking demanding bodies.

[sniffing]

Oh, what sort of gum is that?

[sniffs]

Yeah, it smells really good.

[sniffs] Oh yeah.

[sniffs] Oh yeah, fuck.

[sniffs] So fucking hungry.

[sniffs] Oh, God.

- Dude, back off.

- Oh geez, Owl.

You don't gotta be such a fucking homophobe, man.

Just trying to smell your mouth, for fuck's sake. God.

- Owl, you must have some cash hidden away up your boring ass.

Please, we're starving.

- Well, first of all, Mogg, go fuck yourself.

And secondly,

I told you I got fired from my job

because somebody hacked my Twitter.

MEGG: Owl, how many times do I have to apologize?

I'm sorry.

I was very high.

- Oh hey, I got it.

Let's go trick or treating.

- What? Werewolf Jones, we're in our 30s.

- No, come on, come on.

L-listen, let's get all dolled up and go out begging, right?

What's the worst that could happen?

Here, I'll rack up a few lines.

Okay. This, this.

Pretty good. [sniffing]

Oh yeah. There you go, have at it.

Meet you outside in five.

Ooh, Megg, sexy witch.

- Yep, figured I may as well completely debase myself.

Frank-n-furter?

- Uh, yeah, time warp.

- Alright, let's do this.

- Owl, what the fuck, dude.

- Did you all just go through my laundry?

I'm going to have to burn all that stuff now.

Whatever, let's do this.

[knocking on door]

- Ah, nobody home.

Hey, look, the window's open.

[grunting]

Come on.

OWL: Okay, well, this quickly devolved.

- Fuck, It's dark in here, right?

- Where's the kitchen?

I smell food. Beef!

WEREWOLF JONES: Through here.

[gunshot] [Werewolf Jones screaming]

MEGG: Holy shit!

[Owl screaming]

MEGG: Run. Owl, come on.

- Oh, my fucking face.

- Where's Jones? MOGG: They got him.

They fucking got him. He's dead.

- Oh, God. What are we going to do?

- Oh, I think I might have to go to the hospital.

Oh.

- Ugh, Owl, that's disgusting!

- Dude, put a bag on your face. We don't want to look at that.

- What do we do? - I don't know.

[knocking on door]

Who's that? - That was a fucking cop-knock.

Let's get out of here.

MOGG: Where?

- Megg, where are we going?

- We'll steal a boat from the marina.

We're sea-people now.

[knocking on door]

- Guys, guys, let me in.

I left the rest of my coke in there.

I need a bump.

[groans]

- Okay, I think we're in international waters.

- I'm cold.

- Here, let's do some more lines.

- Oh. [Megg and Mogg sniffing]

- I hate you guys so fucking much.

- Little Long-Legs! - Little Long-Legs!

- Little Long-Legs! Where are you?

- Where is he? - Where are you?

Where you at, Little long-Legs?

- He can't hear you, shitbag. He has diabetes.

- Just a minor hiccup here, folks.

We'll be back on track in, in just a minute.

REGGIE: I can't believe this, Leroy.

I, I can't believe this. - I know. It's insane.

- It's worse than insane, it's--

- Listen, we're going to find him

and get out of this house.

- I hope so, I hope so.

If not, I'm just saying, if not--

- We will. - Come on, let's fucking go.

- The homeless guy.

How the hell did he get ahead of us?

- I don't know. Look at his calves.

I mean, th-this guy, this guy runs.

Look at 'em. This guy definitely runs.

Human salad!

[all scream]

- You kids are going to look so much better

topped with croutons and Parme-sian cheese.

- Oh, my fucking God, we're going to die.

- Just run! CHERUCE: Holy fuck!

He's, like, right behind me.

- Everybody at home, just, just check out

this next short while we figure this out.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

[projector clicking]

[whistling]

ALL: Surprise!

[screams]

[panting]

- Jesus H. Christ, guys.

What the fuck?

Jesus.

I almost had a heart attack.

Come on, man.

I walk into a room and you yell, "Surprise!"

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck all of you guys.

You and you and you and you and you.

- I haven't watched that footage in a long time.

It's still very hard to watch.

MAYOR: That was 50 years ago, tonight.

Half a century, lot of water under the bridge.

Yeah, that was my birthday party.

More scared than I have ever been in my life,

before or since.

I hope nobody watching this ever

has to feel the level of terror

that I felt that night.

I felt unsafe.

Very unsafe

and terrified.

What those people did to me at that party was terror-ism,

because they terrified me.

Ever since that night, that fateful night, uh, uh,

Mr. Mayor plans his own birthday parties.

Uh, Teresa has been removed from that duty,

right, Teresa? Right?

Right, Teresa?

[slurping] Honey?

Dear?

Because of the sheer, unadulterated fear

that I felt that night,

I was able to implement legislation

that I called the "Carefree Scare-Free bill."

It's a bill that I brought into law

that says that nothing scary can ever happen here again.

It's been that way for 50 years.

Nothing will scare you in Rightbehindyouton.

Count on it.

OFFICER: No skeletons? WOMAN: No.

- Vampire teeth? - No.

- Fake blood? - No!

- Fake skeletons? - No!

- Ma'am, you're going to want to cooperate

if you want to get into town.

WOMAN: I am co-operating. - Come on through.

Ha, keep going.

Hey, Neil, I checked these ones last night, they're okay.

- What was that?

- Her, I'm not so sure about,

check the trunk.

- Well, you see, my family's run this pumpkin farm

for over a century, yeah.

You know, about five generations or so.

It wasn't until about 50 years ago

with the passing of the "Carefree Scare-Free Act"

that we had to start paintin' the suckers.

Blue, red, indigo.

Can't do orange though, because orange is the scary kind.

Also, we gotta coat 'em in this here resin,

at least one to two inches thick

so no one goes around carving any scary faces

into the suckers.

[Neil sighs]

NEIL: Mm.

You know, I've been called to armed robberies.

I've been in high-speed chases.

I've been involved loosely in sexual stuff

that is a little out of my comfort zone.

- Mm-hmm.

- Nothing prepares you for this.

- Couple of these slip through every year,

but, uh, we always catch 'em.

Neil, can we get this covered up please?

So, Halloween, obviously, that's out.

And guess what? We don't miss it.

Because what's Halloween about?

What do people like about Halloween?

Well, people like dressing up.

Hey, that's a great costume.

Who you dressed as this Mayor Day?

- I dressed as the mayor.

[laughing]

- I should have known that.

You look wonderful. You look great.

And so does your mom and so does your dad.

- Thank you. - Family of mayors.

You don't like Halloween?

Come here and celebrate Mayor Day with us.

Just wear one of these,

'cause that's what I wear.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

Thank you! - Miss Micelli, you sent a wonderful--

- I'm proud of you too.

- Thank you. - I love you back.

Fellow citizens,

family...

friends.

I am so pleased and proud to be here with you

celebrating our 50th Mayor Day here in this town.

The people who were in attendance at that party

on that night are also here tonight.

Most of them are still with us,

so let's give them a rousing round of applause.

- Thank you. You're too kind. - Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

- You guys gave me the biggest scare of my life back then,

but you also gave me

the greatest idea of my life back then

and you get-- [crowd murmuring]

What's happening? Oh, my God, wha--

What's happening? [electricity crackling]

What's happening?

[all screaming]

No, no, no.

Yes! Yes! [laughing]

[all panting]

Gotcha, bitches!

- Why are you laughing?

- You fell for the old "town where nothing scary happens"

for 50 years trick.

Yes! Yes! - What?

- Yeah, scared, Teresa?

I want a divorce, tonight!

Neil, serve her the papers. Ha, ha!

Bye!

- Oh, Teresa, I'm sorry.

- Halloween is back!

Goodbye, Mayor Day!

Hello, Halloween!

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

[all screaming]

[maniacal laughter]

- Little Long-Legs! - Cheruce, grab him!

REGGIE: Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it--

Holy shit!

CHERUCE: Oh shit. I fucking hate this.

What's this guy's fucking problem?

- I don't know, I don't know what the fuck--

[all screaming]

Run, run, run! Hurry! What the fuck is this?

- Come over here and get against the wall.

[all scream]

[Dana laughing]

[thudding footsteps]

- We're going to die! We're going to die!

- We can't die on camera.

That was part of the contract with Hulu.

Um, everybody, just watch this.

Take, take it away.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Don't listen to the lies.

No one does meat anymore.

- Eating animals is wrong.

- People taste better.

♪ Clacky's, Clacky's, Clacky's, Clacky's, Clacky's ♪

ANNOUNCER: The only true cannibal restaurant for miles.

MR. CLACK: Family business since years ago.

Never chewy ligaments.

My name is The Owner, and I don't mess around.

You want rotten dogs? Go and see my competitors.

A prime selection of young meat.

[sniffs]

Ethically sourced.

- I'm Jason.

And if you are watching this, I'm already dead.

I was eaten at--

ANNOUNCER: Clacky's!

JASON: By the cream of society

and so can you be.

Ten thousand likes guaranteed.

And just look at these stunning babes.

- Never work again.

- I've seen the apocalypse, and now I'm ready for God.

- Life isn't great until you're famous for an hour or so.

And once someone here was eaten by a famous rapper.

Got a six-figure T-shirt deal.

[crunch]

MR. CLACK: Good evening. Welcome to Clacky's.

Thank you, come in.

Take a seat. Have a go and have a seat.

You'll have a good time.

Aya!

Go and have a check on tonight's star guest.

- Okay, Dad.

Um, hi.

Uh, are you alright?

All, all set to go?

- Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.

I'm ready for death.

I can't wait to shake God's hand

and say good work, old chap.

- Can I, can I get you anything?

Um, a can of pop or an orange?

- Well, it may seem strange,

but may I meet my slaughterer?

- Oh yeah, yeah, of course.

Clarence!

- Well, hello there. [gasps]

Yes, you must be tonight's slab of gristle.

Don't worry, I'm gentle.

- I, I assumed you'd be human.

- Yes, well, it's a legal loophole.

- Guh-- Do you have a reservation? [woman sobs]

- You took my boy away.

I know he agreed to it,

but you took him out of this world

and fed him to vultures and beasts.

- Madam, please.

We do not serve vultures here.

We serve the highest of society.

Your son died for a good cause.

- You did him in.

You slaughtered his carcass for profit.

- Well, he did willingly go through the application.

- And you promised him 10,000 likes on his socials.

And I know it's only been a few weeks,

but this is nowhere near 10,000.

Could you, uh, possibly do another retweet?

- Sure, okay, great, no problem.

- And, and my Instagram.

[patrons chattering]

- I want mine cooked alive, mommy.

I want to taste its fear.

- Will they serve babies?

I hope they have some baby on the menu tonight.

- Yes, dear, I'm sure they will. I'm sure.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight's main course is Nigel.

He wanted to be an engineer,

but it seemed like a lot of hard work, and nobody likes that.

So tonight, he cuts his life short to serve you, our finest.

[applause]

But before he is butchered, he'd love to meet you all.

So, bring him out.

Uh, one moment, chaps.

I will just check and see where he is.

- Aah! Get me out of here, I've changed my mind!

You better let me go.

- Why isn't he tranquilized?

- Um, Lady Fridgely called ahead

and she requested untranquilized meat tonight.

- Well, you still do it.

NIGEL: Please don't let me die. - Come here, boy.

Let me slice you into pieces.

[screams]

MR. CLACK: No, not out there.

- Oh, my God.

It's a beetle. What is that doing here?

- To think such creatures handle the food.

- Oh, come on. He's one of the good ones.

- Dinner has escaped.

- But la-ladies and gentlemen, hold on,

but don't leave because, uh, we have some backup meat.

- Oh no, man.

What's going on?

I can't handle this, man.

[patrons groan]

♪ Clacky's, Clacky's, Clacky's, Clacky's, Clacky's ♪

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- No, it's the only haunted house in the city.

- Oh, hey, everybody.

We escaped the killer by the thick of our teeth.

- Thin of our teeth.

- The good news is, the police are on their way.

I think we're, I think we're going to be alright.

- It's the abandoned Fletcher house.

We're in the closet in a creepy old trophy room,

you fucking idiot.

Leroy, the 911 lady says we gotta stay really quiet,

so do you think Hulu would be mad or upset

if we had a part of the special with mostly whispering?

- No, I want candy!

- Shut the fuck up, you're going to get us killed.

- No, let go of me, I want candy!

- Shut the-- be quiet.

[Cheruce screams]

REGGIE: Holy fucking shit!

LEROY: Nooo!

Come on, let's go!

- Why is this happening?

Come on, hurry.

Everybody, just take a look at this next, really funny Halloween short.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- So, Nugget, I heard you've got a date with a girl tonight.

- Yep.

- Oh, that's, that's fucking awesome, man.

A real girl, aye?

Ha ha, good on ya.

- Yep. going to try and have sex with her.

- Oh, are you serious, man?

Oh, that's so cool.

I'm so happy for you, eh.

- Yeah, yeah. Thanks, mate.

It's like, it's like the 57th date.

So, yeah,

feeling pretty good about it, yeah.

- Wait, this is the 57th date?

- Yeah.

Yeah, 57 or 56 or in the mid-50s, somewhere.

Yeah, about that.

- Oh, okay.

And... and you haven't, like, done anything with her or nothing yet?

- Well, I mean, we've-- I've-- we've like,

we've, like, eat-- we've talk--

we've talked and--

- Yeah, sure.

- And we went to dinner and stuff.

Yeah, we've done that stuff.

- Okay. Yeah, no that's, that's cool.

- Yeah.

- Um, you have-- you haven't, like, kissed her

or held her hand or nothing?

- Well, I mean, not specifically.

No, we haven't done that,

but we have, we have had sushi together and--

- Yeah, dinners and stuff. Yeah.

- Like I say, we've talked.

So, I mean,

we're, you know, we're getting there.

We're working up to it.

- Yeah, okay. So, you-- you're like-- you're not--

you don't want to rush into anything basically, is what you're saying.

- Yeah. I mean--

Yeah, you just never know in this day and age, you know.

Like the whole "me too" era and everything.

You gotta just be a bit careful, don't you?

Can't just go full on.

- No, I, I get you.

Yeah, you just, just want to take it slowly, don't you?

- Just take it slow. Just, you know, see what happens.

Just, you know, go with the flow.

- Well, I mean, the good thing is

she probably appreciates that, doesn't she?

That you're not, you're not one of these guys that just wants sex.

- Well, that, you know, that-- yeah, that is how I see it.

I just, I want her to know that I respect her enough,

that I don't, I don't think about that.

- Yeah, you don't think about it?

- I mean, yes, I do, but I, I want her to think

I don't think about that.

- Yeah. - If that makes sense.

- No, that does make-- yeah, that makes sense.

I think she'd appreciate that.

- Yeah, well, I think so.

And, you know, like I say,

something about tonight just feels right.

Feels like something could happen finally, you know?

- Yeah. Well, yeah. Good luck to you, mate.

Well, I'm, I'm, I'm rooting for ya'

to have a root. [chuckles]

[laughs]

You get it? Like, have a root. Like, sex.

- Oh, you know I get it! Yeah, oh no, I get it!

No, I get it!

- You like that, yeah? You'd have a root.

- No, no, I get it.

- Yeah, no, just a little bit of,

just a bit of fun.

Well, Happy Halloween, mate.

- Oh, yeah. It is Halloween, isn't it?

I forgot. - Yeah, 31st of October.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, cheers. - Yeah, thanks, mate.

- Good luck to ya'.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Oh!

- Mr. Stuffy! - There's no time.

LEROY: Cheruce, stay with me. [sirens wailing]

[tires screeching]

[gunshots]

[evil laughter]

[laughs]

[panting]

- [chanting] Boolie Doom Bah Lo! Oolie Bahlah!

Give me the power, I beg of you!

[lightning cracks]

- He's doing a Child's Play!

- Shoot him harder!

- Boolie...boo...balah!

[groaning]

[wind gusts]

- Alright, boys.

I think we served enough justice here.

- Officers, if you don't mind, my sister really needs help.

DISPATCH: [on radio] Officers, be advised,

the suspect of the third street trash can graffiti has escaped

and is currently impersonating an officer.

He could be any one of us.

This is scary, this is serious.

Proceed with caution, fellas.

[officer growling]

- Uh, Leroy, I think we should get out of here.

[gunshots] [officers screaming]

I don't know if you can hear me

over these loud gunshots, everybody,

but check out this next Halloween short.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

SHOPKEEPER: Uh-huh.

And yep...

Wow, if I don't say so myself,

this is looking pretty good.

- Hey! - Ah!

- Yeah, hey. You with the tweezers.

- Oh, hello.

- Yeah, I know. Weird, right?

Little man living in your model town

or whatever this thing is.

But hey, today's your lucky day.

'Cause I can make all your dreams come true!

Anything you ever wanted or wished for,

I could make it happen!

All you gotta do is say my name three times.

- Wow, yeah. Uh, okay, what's your name?

- Well, that's the thing.

I can't say it.

- So, uh, h-how's this work?

Do I have to guess or what-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- What's-- - Uh--

- How am I going to know it?

- Oh. Okay, here.

Take this, here you go.

- Okay. Let's see.

I can't say that.

- Come on, what's the big deal? It's my name.

[sighs]

What are you trying to say?

That's, that's, that's what they call me, man.

That's my name.

- Okay. Well, just to be clear,

I say this horrible, horrible thing...

- Uh-huh. - ...and then I get whatever I want.

TINY MAN: Yeah, yeah. - Anything, infinite wishes.

- Yep, right. Yeah.

But, uh, you gotta say, you gotta say it in a crowd.

Yeah, at the top of your lungs.

- Gah--

- Three times.

Yeah, or it doesn't work at all.

[sighs]

- Okay.

- You-- you're go-- - Yeah?

- Yeah, why not?

I'm going to go do it.

Attention, everybody. [crowd murmurs]

I have something to say three times.

- Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

It's working, it's working.

Ay-yay-yay.

Ooh. He's coming back, he's coming back.

[crowd shouting]

[panting]

You said it? You actually said it?

Oh, you idiot.

You can't go around saying shit like that.

- But you said you were going to make all my dreams come true.

- No, no. Fuck no, man.

You're crazy.

You think I'm going to help you?

Fuck you. I think you're a shitwad.

[spits]

- You said-- - And you're ugly.

I don't even want to be seen with you.

- What have I done? [sobs]

- Oh, my God. What an idiot. [glass shatters]

Alright, I'm, I'm done with this.

I'm going inside.

SHOPKEEPER: What am I going to do with all these bottles?

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Cheruce, can you hear me?

Say something.

- Welcome back, folks.

Let's check out the incredible finger painting

of Tony Shandles.

[groans]

- Le-Leroy, she-she's going to be okay, right?

- She's... she's gone.

- Okay, at least she's safe in hell now, you know.

- Oh, my God.

Oh-- Oh, my God.

- Okay, okay. No, wow.

No, it's rea-- it's sinking in now, Leroy.

It's, it's hitting me. It's all real.

This must be what rock bottom looks like.

- I fucking quit!

Fuck you, fuck Hulu!

Fuck Halloween and fuck the police!

- I, I, I can't do it, Leroy.

I can't host the show anymore.

- Me neither, we're done.

You know, I guess the show won't go on.

You know, we blew our shot with Hulu. It doesn't even matter.

It's over.

- I want Mr. Stuffy!

- You fucking monster.

You got the special ruined and you killed Cheruce.

- Okay, Leroy, take it easy.

Here's what we're going to do.

I'm calling Aunt Stephanie. Her party is over.

We gotta get rid of this kid before we hurt him.

I'm going to hurt him, Leroy.

I can feel it building inside me.

I'm going to hurt him.

VOICEMAIL: Hi, you've reached Stephanie.

I'm not here, bye.

- This can't be happening.

Is this real? - No, fuck that, alright.

We're going to go drop him off at the party.

[Siri beeps] Hey, Siri, locate Aunt Stephanie.

Wait, what?

It says she's right there.

Alright, look, Leroy, here's, here's what's going to happen.

We're going to throw it to the next short.

And then we're going to drop this little bastard off

and be done with him.

He's a fucking piece of shit.

And I'm sick of pretending he's not.

- I'm, I'm really sorry about this, Hulu.

I'm trying to come to terms with this right now.

I'm pretty sure I'm in shock.

Th-th-this is not the show we wanted to make.

This is not the special we wanted to do.

My sister's dead.

She's, she's gone.

Cheruce is gone.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Ladies and gentlemen, [stammers] let's check out the--

Just throw it to the next--

Just play the thing. Just play, whatever--

LEROY: I'm freaking out! - Play it.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen,

a strange tale you're about to behold.

This story is just the beginning.

The beginning of the end of the world.

- I'm going to be a hero.

NARRATOR: Exclaimed the bold young man,

forgetting that unrequited love

had broken his frail young heart.

- Johnny! Johnny, come, it's urgent!

NARRATOR: Called his mother in a very urgent tone.

- I'm on my way!

NARRATOR: He said forgetting that the world

was going to end that day.

A pair of aliens from outer space arrived

to take over and humanity erase.

Literally.

Then they zapped a cat crawling on the floor,

believing it was a man walking on all fours.

Then they zapped a tree from their spaceship in the air.

- Because we were convinced...

- It was a man with bushy hair.

NARRATOR: So they landed in a tub and they met an old lady.

- This one is actually a human.

- Let's turn her into gravy.

NARRATOR: So the Armageddon started.

JOHNNY: Here I am.

Mom?

NARRATOR: The boy said immediately,

forgetting who had called him in the first place.

He couldn't remember his mother or why he was in the bathroom again.

All the memories erased from his young and chubby brain.

Suddenly the plot thickens

and one of the Martians disappeared.

Zap! Like the dickens.

- I feel very confused, I thought I had a friend,

but now it's just me, I'm all alone in the end.

NARRATOR: This amorphous... - And viscous.

NARRATOR: ...and viscous blob swallows the memory

of things thrown in there.

For example, if I throw in a comb,

people will forget what it's like to comb their hair.

- Ah, then I'm going to throw in my cap

so that people will forget it.

Then I'm going to invent it myself to make a lot of money.

Then I call the girl I like,

and then she's going to fall in love with me.

NARRATOR: But then Johnny remembered

that he wanted to be a hero.

- I'm going to be a hero!

NARRATOR: By throwing all guns into the blob.

Then all wars would go to zero.

- Nope, I don't want to do that.

- No, I don't.

- NARRATOR: Hey Johnny, you're adopted.

That's why when your mother disappeared, you didn't.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

REGGIE: This, this seems pretty quiet for a party, doesn't it?

- Yeah, wait till Aunt Stephanie sees

what her son did to Cheruce.

- Help!

- Mama.

- Aunt Stephanie, why are you all tied up?

- Look at Cheruce, she's dead.

- Those cool people I met at the 7-Eleven

turned out to be cultists who are killing people

because they think it'll open this box.

I should have known when cool people invited me to a party

that it was too good to be true.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

[maniacal laughter]

- How nice of you to join our little party.

Tie them up!

And throw that body on the pile

with the other failed attempts.

Three more victims to kill.

[all whimper]

Three more scratches at the lottery ticket

that is summoning the great demon Turvok.

- I want my Stuffy back.

- Fuck, Leroy.

I did not think this night could get any worse,

but, but it just did. It just happened.

- Maybe this is all just a bad dream,

and everything will be back to normal after this next short.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

♪ ominous music playing ♪

[baby babbling, cooing]

[blowing raspberry]

- Welcome.

This is my house of horrors.

Come and have a look around, why don't you?

No, no, no, no. That's a baby.

Baby does not belong in the microwave...

[grunting]

Huh?

[baby squealing] MAN: Come here.

[grunts]

Huh?

[growls, then gasps]

[baby laughing]

[grunting]

[muffled screaming]

[wood cracks] Uh-oh. [grunts]

Time for a spot of gardening.

You're in trouble now.

[saw powers down] Ugh.

[clucking]

Hey, my baby!

Hey, I'm coming!

♪

Ah.

[shotgun cocks]

These guys need taking out.

[gunshot]

Got one.

[saw whirring]

Got one.

[gunshots]

[electricity crackles]

[clucking]

Do you want to see what I keep under my bed?

[grunting]

Yoink.

Come here, you little monkey. [baby laughing]

That was a close one. Huh?

[thudding footsteps]

Whoa!

[glass shatters]

Ohh.

[whirring]

[baby laughs]

Aliens tried to put baby in microwave.

- Again? - Again.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Well, maybe the stab and toss thing

isn't going to be what summons Turvok.

- I totally agree.

- Well, I'm pitching the body works exhibit-type thing.

Cut 'em up, fillet them out.

- Nice! It sounds gorgeous, but it's pretty involved.

I mean, they get professionals to do that.

- You're saying I can't do it? What, I'm not good enough?

- I'm not saying you couldn't do it, eventually.

It's just as a friend, you tend--

- Sorry, folks.

This isn't a dream,

it's more of a fucking nightmare.

- Leroy, I think I just put something together.

You know, all this gore and violent death.

Right, right? And Cheruce getting stabbed in her fucking face.

- Oh, my God.

That's what Cheruce said a good Halloween special would have.

Is, is this special? - Is it good?

Yeah, yeah. I think maybe, yeah.

You know, we may have went off the rails

and we may have never got to see Mr. Winchell pie his dog.

- Cheruce's death is exactly what she said

would make this special amazing.

So... and I'm processing this still,

but I think that means it's okay.

- Look, here's what I think it means.

As things get crazier,

the chances of dying increase

along with the quality of the special.

- That's going to be a tough needle to thread,

because on one hand, I'm excited 'cause I get it.

But on the other, I really don't want to die.

- Okay, Ted Bundy,

tell me wh-wh-what do you think we should do?

- Well, I would like to fuck him in the mouth.

- Oh!

- A little bit. - Holy shit.

- Maybe that's the thing Turvok's looking for, a little--

- [in Italian accent] The extra spice.

- Ah, why didn't you say that earlier?

We could have-- - I get nervous around you, you know?

- Come on, this is a safe space.

[wood creaking]

- Human salad is back on the menu,

you stupid sluts.

You filthy sluts.

- Mr. Stuffy!

- What the fuck? MT. STUFFY: You filthy bitch!

You filthy sluts!

- My husbands, no!

[gunshots]

[screaming]

- Everyone's dead.

I guess we're safe now.

- Heh, heh, heh!

- Oh, my God. - What the fuck is going on?

Why is Mr. Stuffy a killer?

- I love you, Mr. Stuffy.

- What, are you guys dumb?

The human salad line didn't tip you off.

It's me, Dana Carver.

I did a Child's Play!

Now please be quiet

so I can do this creepy walk towards you.

- No!

- Holy shit, he's coming right for us!

- Oh, my God! Yeah, yeah, he is, yeah.

But he's, but he's moving kinda slow.

- He is moving slow.

I think we have like, what, like, 60 seconds.

- Maybe 90 seconds, I don't know.

But whatever it is, whenever he gets over here,

we're going to be in big trouble.

- I'm starting to think maybe two minutes,

like a full 120 seconds.

- I think two minutes is a goo-- is probably about right.

- Little Long-Legs, I know I get mad

when you escape being tied up at home

when mommy needs alone time.

But now I want you to untie yourself.

Use those precious long legs God gave you.

- What the fuck.

- Yeah, yeah, um, Little Long-Legs, untie, untie.

[grunting]

- I love my long legs now.

I had an arc. I arced out.

[Mr. Stuffy laughing]

I'm doing it.

- Quick, Leroy, untie Aunt Stephanie. I got an idea.

- You better do something,

I'm going to get there pretty soon.

[gunshots]

- Mr. Stuffy! - Way to go, Reggie.

I don't know, Hulu.

I think the Palonis might have just pulled

a cat out of a bag on this one.

- You guys are still hosting that shitty show.

- Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. - Jesus, Aunt Stephanie, be quiet.

- Yeah, look, and I just want to say something else.

I really think, I really like our Halloween special.

It's pretty good now.

You know, Cheruce, she's dead. She's dead, she died, and that--

But I think that's alright,

because, because if she would've seen how it turned out,

how her death contributed to the special,

she would love it.

- Yeah. Well, I mean,

I wouldn't say that it's okay that Cheruce is dead,

but yeah, you know.

I feel good about the special.

Reggie, grab Cheruce's corpse

and let's go home and finish this show,

having learned that sometimes it's better

to let things go off the rails

than to, you know, like, try to steer it

with your hands all fucking tied to the wheel

and your fucking--

You know what I mean? - You said it, Leroy.

Ha. Alright, folks.

Check out our last Halloween short for the night.

[gunshot] [all gasp]

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Dude, my fucking science teacher wants me

to study fucking science and shit.

But it's all bullshit, man.

It doesn't even make any fucking sense.

- Ah, dude, anyone would be like, ugh, shit, man.

[indiscernible mumbling]

- Hmm. You know what I noticed about science?

Is that it's fucking dumb.

[unzips]

- Hey, what are you kids doing out there?

- Take a hike, old man.

We're pissing on science books.

- Yeah, man.

- Well, if pissing on science books is your thing,

you better not go messing around

down near that old haunted spaceship

in the woods over there.

LIPPY: Oh, my God. CHIP: Whoa.

- They say there's something in there

that don't take too kindly

to little boys and little girls

who don't do their science homework.

Well, that's it for me.

- Whoa.

[mumbling]

- Dude, we were literally just talking shit

about our science homework.

I mean, let's get out of here.

This is a little on the nose.

- Will you two shut up, alright?

I'm trying to fucking party in this fucking haunted spaceship.

LIPPY AND CHIP: Whoa.

♪ ominous music playing ♪

[Lippy and Chip giggling]

[mumbling]

[heavy breathing]

[choking]

[both scream]

- Run!

Oh shit! - Oh, my God.

LIPPY: Oh, my God.

[panting]

[footsteps thudding]

- Hold on, hold on. Come on.

What the heck? Oh, my God.

- Dude, what the fuck?

- Dude, calm down.

Dude, it's an astronaut, alright?

He's a fucking nerd. Does math and shit.

We can bully our way out of this.

- You don't understand, man.

Like, I know 'cause I'm all shredded and shit,

everybody thinks I'm like this fucking super macho tough guy.

But I have all these feelings, man.

- No!

- Huh? Wha--

What the heck?

Oh man.

Oh!

No, don't do it, man.

[machine whirring]

No!

Ohh. No, no, no.

[whirring intensifies]

[splatters]

[gasps]

- Oh, my God. Oh.

[screams]

Oh shit.

Oh no.

[raspy breathing]

[bones crunching]

[gulps]

[body splatters]

[unzips]

[gagging]

[fly buzzing]

- Mm-hmm.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

- Well, folks, despite what we thought was a complete disaster,

off-the-rails nightmare,

we pulled off one hell of a Halloween special.

We even got Mr. Winchell to keep Cheruce alive

in sort of a Jim Henson Weekend at Bernie's way.

Hey, all's well that ends well, right, Reggie?

- Huh, what? Oh, I'm sorry, Leroy.

I have just been obsessed with this strange puzzle cube

I found at the witch's cabin.

And you know me and puzzle cubes, you put one in front of me

and I, I won't put the dam, the darn thing down.

- Holy shit, Reggie. Why is it glowing all over?

- I have no idea, I was twisting.

- Did you solve it? - I think I solved it.

- Well, what the fuck does it do?

BOTH: Ow!

[roaring]

- Whew! Oh boy.

Thank you for getting me out of there.

You have no idea how many hundreds of people

have been sacrificed just trying to summon me.

Jesus, people. Hello, come on.

It's just a puzzle cube, like in Hellraiser, you know?

Anyways-- [clears throat]

[deep voice] You have summoned the great demon Turvok.

As per demon law, I will grant you one wish!

No rules, no caveats!

- I wish for candy.

- Wish granted.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

Our sister is dead, and you wished for candy?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

- You have diabetes, you can't have candy.

- You fucking bitch!

- Jesus, what is wrong with you? - Well, folks, that's all she wrote.

And I'm not talking about that Angela Lansbury show

from the '80s.

Have a Happy Halloween and hopefully we'll see you next,

at some point, eventually again.

Bye-bye, everybody!

♪ hard rock music playing ♪

♪

♪ fanfare plays ♪