Original subtitles

MICHAEL: I actually prepared a statement back then.

DAVID: Did you? Why?

Well, I wanted to get across our side.

Oh. Did it have a title?

Do statements usually have titles?

Yeah. I think well-structured ones do, yeah.

"Antagonists". Bit nebulous.

It was evocative. Bit open to interpretation.

It wouldn't have been if you'd read it.

I don't think a statement should invite subjective responses.

It didn't. It's not a Robert Frost poem.

Did you write a statement? No.

Well, then, shut the fuck up.

What does the title refer to?

Simon!

Oh. Oh, no, that would never have occurred to me.

It would if you'd read it.

Georgia says you're my antagonist.

That would make you the hero.

Am I not? Pfft! No.

Oh, I see. You're the damsel in the tower.

Oh. Should never have cut my hair.

Or the damsel in the bungalow.

Georgia says we're like an old married couple.

You are!

No, not me and Georgia, you and me. Oh, right.

WOMAN:

BOTH: Me.

I should have left you in the fucking tower.

Bungalow. I'm going to read...

..the statement that I prepared back then.

Excellent. Be my guest.

Simon's left Series Three.

I've got to go. I've got to put the lunch on, Simon.

So if we haven't got it by now, too bad.

I know he's a grumpy bastard, Simon, but he does have a point.

LUCY: Why did he leave?

Erm... He'd had enough.

I think.

He'd written two in a rush.

It was high stress, high stakes,

and, look, he's never been good at...

Simon is not a confrontational person,

so when Michael stormed off, then David followed...

..it's not good for his self-esteem.

He bruises like an avocado.

But we still owe Josh a series. Erm...

We had Simon's notes from the, erm...

from the rest of the episode. Nothing...

Nothing definitive, just more like...

abstract poetry than a script.

Yeah.

He wasn't in a very happy place.

"Buy new jumper."

He killed off Michael a couple of times.

It may or may not have been a dream sequence.

And there's an animatic at the bottom of his notes too.

Actually, if you flick through,

it shows a clown...

..digging a grave.

Georgia's idea was for David and Michael to finish the scripts.

I had two options, deliver the show or focus on the documentary.

Well, it wasn't up to me, so I didn't... I didn't have to.

Erm, Josh wanted conflict and tortured souls,

make-ups and break-ups, food fights and explosions.

Either David and Michael would write that into the script,

or they would barrel into it in real life with the cameras rolling.

Ooh! Our writers' room. Whoa!

No.

Can you feel the magic? I can.

It's coming. It's bubbling up, the magic.

Don't know if it's quite arrived yet.

OK.

Phew. It's hot in here.

I did mess with the thermostat.

I don't do very well in the heat.

Got any coffee?

And keep David up all night with a faulty smoke alarm.

OK, how many pages do we need?

About 30 or so? About 30. By when?

Erm, Josh needs to see something by six.

By six? Why so soon?

Because we're a million miles behind schedule.

That gives us about eight hours.

OK, 30 divided by eight. 3.75.

Well, let's call it four. Four pages an hour?

Easy! Easy!

But that was everything.

I think.

PHONE RINGS

Who's that now? Georgia.

Hi, baby. Can we just put phones away?

Would you mind if... you just leave us to it now?

Michael's just throwing out the crew.

Bye!

Focus down and do the work, sorry.

I've put you on speaker. 'OK.'

You're on with me and Michael, Georgia.

Hi, Georgia. 'Hi, Michael.

'It is all right with the room?' Is there any coffee?

'Er, I'll send some.' It's a bit warm.

Michael's a little bit warm. 'OK, is there a thermostat?'

Doesn't do well in the heat, you know.

Yeah. Oh, it says it's out of order.

'Right, I'll see what I can do.'

I don't do well in the heat, Georgia.

Things can get a little bit swampy.

I don't want to be in the room with Michael

when things get a bit swampy.

'It might take a while, though.' That's not really good enough...

Oh, hang on. Wait. Oh.

I think the window opens. Michael has located a window.

Michael has opened a window. Is that better?

Oh, it's much better. He says that's much better, yes.

'Great.' Oh, my God.

I would have torn your husband to shreds in seconds!

'Oh, ho! Don't do that.'

All right, baby, it's time to make the magic happen.

I'll speak to you later. 'All right.'

Love you, bye! Love you, bye!

Right. OK.

Here we go.

Phones down, camera crew out. Yeah.

New note.

This is it. This is it.

Where do we start?

I wanted them to succeed. Honestly.

Everything else was just...

..a backup plan.

Oh, I've got Simon's notes! Oh, great.

Yes. On an email. Hang on. OK. Anything useful?

Erm... I mean, there's words and phrases.

There's the odd back-and-forth.

Yeah? Well, what's the overall gist? Er...

Constipated rage. Right. When did he write them?

While we were filming. Right.

Pfft.

Do you think Simon's an angry person?

Er, no. I dunno.

Erm, maybe.

I mean, he can bend a spoon with his mind.

I think that's just a party trick.

Yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah.

Do you think he's angry with us?

Difficult to tell.

Well, do we appear in the notes?

Right, well, he uses quite a lot of pseudonyms.

OK. Like what?

Big Head and The Baby.

That could be anyone.

Beanpole and Beanbag.

It's still ambiguous.

Michael and David. Right, OK.

Erm...

"Michael's kitchen. Dawn.

"Michael stares forlornly out of the window.

"In one hand, a photo of David, in the other, a knitting needle."

Do you knit?

Never have. Nor Anna.

"He sits at his table, lines up the tip of the needle with his eye.

"He stares at the photo of David, leans his head back,

"then, with force..."

"Then with force" what?

N-Nothing. It just ends there.

Erm, next thing is...

"Plain jumper or striped?"

Am I examining the knitting needle?

With force?

Why have I got a photo of you?

Maybe you're knitting me a jumper?

LOUD DRILLING

Oh, God. Wow.

The drill was nothing to do with me. Honestly.

DRILLING CONTINUES

It was just the heat, the smoke alarm and the menus.

Did I mention the menus?

DRILLING CONTINUES

DRILLING STOPS, DAVID SNORTS

Oh. What happened? Well, the drilling stopped.

How long was I out? Oh, a couple of hours.

Why didn't you awaken me?

Well, you looked very peaceful.

Oh, God, I'm hungry.

Yeah. I stuck some menus to your jumper.

Where did you find these? In the drawer.

I dreamt I was inside a food processor.

I envy your capacity to rest.

Well, I'm from the city.

Peace and tranquillity is what disturbs me.

How you getting on? I've made a start.

OK. That's good. Let's have a see.

"Enter Michael."

Good start. Give the people what they want.

Yeah. "David is asleep."

And that was it? Yeah, well, it was difficult to get started.

You've got to SAY something. I know that.

That's what makes it into a scene, you know.

But I wouldn't want to wake you up. Why did you write me asleep?

It's all I could think of. You looked so peaceful.

Come on. Let's go.

"David wakes.

"Morning!"

Why don't you go back to sleep? No!

I think I'm hungry.

We just need the first couple of lines,

just to loosen the lid. What time is it?

One o'clock. Five hours left.

OK, so, what? Six pages an hour... Easy! Easy!

I'm gonna order lunch. Yes!

Oh, hello. Can I order some food, please?

'Yeah, what's the address?'

Erm... Ooh. ONSIGHT, Covent Garden?

'Mm-hm. What can I get you?'

Erm, some Kung Pao chicken.

Erm, duck rolls.

Er, egg fried rice and prawn crackers?

Anything else? No, I'm all right.

'Thanks. On its way.' And please don't forget the prawn crackers.

Sounded like Georgia.

No, it's the woman in the Chinese.

Why the prawn cracker insistence? Well, I like the way they fizz.

OK, how about this?

"The industry is like the Serengeti, and I am a lion.

"Michael is a monkey, a monkey with a stick."

No, I don't think that's right.

Too dramatic?

Simon usually has us starting with something low-key and inane.

All right, what about one of us has a hobby

that we've never mentioned before? Like what?

I could dig something up. We don't have that sort of time.

I could make something up. Like what?

Knitting. A brass instrument.

OK, let's take a step back.

DAVID GRUNTS

Where are we? Let's just stick with character, shall we?

Yeah, yeah, we know them.

We know them. We know ourselves. Yes, we do.

OK. Hotseat. Hotseat! What motivates you?

Er, panic. What inspires you?

The rising of bread. What are you afraid of?

Er, magnets. What do you say when you walk into the room?

"The industry is like the Serengeti and I am a lion!"

No, no, no!

WHISPERS: Nearly.

Nearly.

Do you think Simon WAS angry with us?

Well, more you than me.

I didn't want him to leave.

Well, you shouldn't have stormed off, then.

Shouldn't have been mean about his writing.

You've called him worse. Not to his face.

Yes to his face. Yes to his face.

MICHAEL SIGHS Have you talked to him?

No.

Do you think we should call him?

What for?

I don't know.

You know he's left the industry? Really?

Mm. What's he doing?

Fuck knows.

DRILLING STARTS Oh, for...

Dentistry. Lucy said it's what their parents do.

It's what our parents do.

I think he just needed to be with family.

He posted a picture of himself in scrubs,

so he was cosplaying, at least.

SIMON:

Er, yes. Right.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, sorry, I thought...

Yeah. Er, no, I do, I just thought...

I do, I just thought you might set me up.

Series Three. And let me just start by clearing the air, straight away.

Er, I am not angry at anyone.

I do not hold grudges. Never have.

Anger ignored is anger improved.

Look, nobody likes conflict in the workplace.

No-one likes to be criticised,

especially when you feel you tried really hard.

Er... Yeah.

Well, when you've written 250 pages of those two at each other,

it can be hard to come up with new... material.

I needed to.

Now I need to do something different.

Yes.

Mm. There's a slight shortcut,

because my father and mother are dentists, so...

Well, it says Dr Evans on the door, doesn't it?

Is it?

Well, don't google anything medical, would be the first thing.

DOOR OPENS Oh, hi, hi.

MAN:

Mm-hm. Yes. Yes, I will.

Uh-huh, yeah.

How else do they take temperature?

GEORGIA: Of course, I could have got Simon to come back,

but there didn't seem to be much point, to be honest.

David and Michael seemed to be getting somewhere.

You know, pressure turns coal into diamonds.

DRILLING CONTINUES

DRILLING STOPS

What time is it?

It's nearly four.

Urgh. Pfft. 15 pages an hour?

Easy! DRILLING STARTS

God!

DRILLING STOPS

Where's our lunch?

I don't know. Did you call?

You heard me call!

Oh, yeah.

The prawn cracker insistence. Sounds like a Robert Ludlum novel.

DRILLING RESUMES, MICHAEL GROANS

DRILLING STOPS

Have you seen The Trip?

The Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan thing? Yeah.

Yeah, well, we basically copied their formula.

I mean, we could just copy and paste bits of their script

and change the lines a bit. No-one would know.

Everybody would know. Why are you so testy?

I'm too hot! Well, go back to the window again!

I don't want to! Why not?

Because I'm deafened by the drill!

DRILLING RESUMES Argh!

DRILLING STOPS

Georgia says... You know, you say that a lot.

Hm? "Georgia says."

Well, she does, she says that you criticise me

to cover up your own insecurities.

Oh, does she? She says to me that you dress up

your thoughts as hers in conversation

to cover YOUR insecurities.

Oh, does she? Yes, she does.

Well, I'm not insecure. Neither am I.

I am over six foot tall! I am brimming with testosterone!

I'm starting to feel that you're angry with me about something!

Why do you think that?! I don't know!

DRILLING RESUMES

DRILLING STOPS, MICHAEL SIGHS

Have I done something?

I'm just hungry. Well, I'm tired.

And I don't like writing. No, neither do I.

I thought it would be easier. Yeah. If Simon can do it...

And I've read lots of other scripts.

I thought I would have picked up the basics

kind of by osmosis, you know.

So why did you say you wanted to write it?

I didn't say that, you did.

I did?

Didn't you? I didn't.

The I before E rule completely baffles me.

I get mixed up with the A and the E in my own name.

You wanted to write it!

No, YOU wanted to write it! Says who?!

Georgia! DRILLING STARTS

DRILLING STOPS, PHONE RINGS

Oh, lookie here.

Hi. Hi!

Just checking in. Mm.

How's it all going?

Well, the drilling's very loud. And we're hot.

I'm tired. I'm very hungry.

That sounds stressful. Oh, it is. Very stressful.

Well, I'm sorry to add to your troubles,

but, erm, there's talk of rolling blackouts too.

Georgia, did you tell both of us

that the other one wanted to write this?

Did you?

Yeah. Argh!

Wha...

Why?!

I just wanted you working together.

I just thought it would make good television.

We're not writers!

I didn't need you to be writers. Not necessarily.

People just like to watch you tussle.

I'm sorry. What? Tussle? Mm. Fight.

This was for the documentary. What?

The Making Of thing.

Look, if you'd written a script, then great.

And, you know, if not, at least we had something.

We're not...!

We're not bullfighters.

Ha! I know you're not bullfighters.

We could be bullfighters. We could.

You're like a modern-day cockfight.

You know, the scrawny birds sort of squawking at each other.

Beanbag and Beanpole.

Beanbag and Beanpole were us!

Oh, it was you! It was you at the Chinese on the phone!

What? And what about the noise and the heat?

I don't understand.

She's been keeping us hungry! And hot!

And tired, and deaf.

Why are you working at a Chinese restaurant?

DRILLING RESUMES

OK, OK. I give up, I give up.

DRILLING STOPS

Get someone else to write it!

Simon?

He might be upstairs. Simon!

SIMON: Really, just... Erm...

Maybe put... some rubber bands around it.

Or, erm, some Scotch tape.

Just hold it there until the pain goes

and call me...

..back.

Root canal. You're speaking into a television remote.

They need you back on the show. Who does?

Georgia. She sent me to get you. Why didn't she come herself?

Oh, erm, her and David are having a heated conversation,

something about smoke alarms and bullfighters.

I'm a dentist now.

I don't think you are.

No.

What's all this?

Well, I was trying to find something to do.

You know, palmistry is an option,

or... or gardening.

I can write songs, or... or...

could be a university professor.

What do you want to do? I want to write.

Well, then, come back and do that. I can't, though, can I?

I tried. Really.

I tried to do something new, something different.

I put David in Japan,

I put Michael and David in a... in a farce.

I tried... No-one seemed to notice.

Then Michael left. Michael wants you back.

What about David? He wants you back too.

GEORGIA: Sorry it took me so long to reach out.

Sorry I was stupid.

Oh. Ha! You're here now. Just need to get it written.

So, erm, the guys are in here.

So, if you want to...

If you want to knock.

Oh, Simon!

There's a sight for sore eyes!

I brought balloons. I mean, I fucking love balloons.

And food.

Simon...

..I know there's making up to do,

and a lot of apologies needed.

But you,

this...

food.

Here.

Now.

MICHAEL SOBS

OK. All right.

Listen, Simon's here all night,

the heating is fixed and the drills have stopped.

And we have food! And you have food.

And thanks to Simon. Thanks to me.

OK, right, can you, erm...

get me something by morning, OK? I'm off now.

It was the responsible choice, getting Simon back.

Getting the script written.

The documentary was always the backup.

Is this the whole order?

OK, this is a good... a good start.

Simon?

Just needs a bit of, er, er, polish, I suppose.

Where's the prawn crackers?

WHISPERS: Where's the prawn crackers?

Argh!

SCREAMING ON PHONE

Conflict and tortured souls,

make-ups and break-ups,

food fights and explosions.

"Simon has left Series Three.

"David and I are devastated.

"It's one thing to have to move on

"without a trusted colleague and creative powerhouse.

"It's another to continue without a friend.

"Simon is a precious person,

"and we wish him all the best in his future career."

Lovely. That's lovely. Thank you.

Did you ever release that? God, no.

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