Original subtitles

DAVID: May I call in a favour?

MICHAEL: Um...

do I owe you a favour? Yeah.

I'm reasonably sure, yeah.

Who's playing Scrooge?

We'll find out before the interview, apparently.

Why so last-minute? Who the fuck knows?

Yes! I filled in for you at the beat poetry night in March.

Er... Ah, I helped with your acceptance speech in April.

You told me I wasn't gonna win.

Did you win? No.

So I saved you time. We're even.

No, the Lorraine show in May.

I did all the legwork cos you were all jetlagged.

Graham Norton, June.

I did the legwork when you were hungover.

Poster signing at Comic Con in July.

Er... August, book signing at Foyles.

No, I was there for that one!

No, you'd, um, sprained your wrist playing ping-pong.

I signed for both of us.

We are not even. We are even.

No, no. September, your charity auction thing.

I donated lunch with David Tennant.

That was for the homeless!

A favour's a favour.

You enjoyed it.

The winner took me to a Little Chef in Milton Keynes

where she stuffed her face whilst reading out loud

her pornographic fan fiction, entitled

Just What The Doctor Ordered,

spraying me with chicken goujons and fucking Fanta!

You enjoyed it!

This party...

Er, for Georgia? Yeah.

It's a wee bit difficult to arrange, trapped in a hotel room in Tokyo

on the other side of the world, so I need a little bit of help

with the finishing touches.

What's still to do? The food.

And the drink.

And the music and the guests.

Have you sorted anything?

The venue, yes.

I just need someone to check it.

What?

No, no, no, no.

I can't drive to London. It's on your side of London.

Do it over the phone!

No, I can't. Why not?

It might smell.

I'm sorry. For a moment there, I thought you said, "It might smell."

Yeah. There's a review on Tripadvisor.

Says something about the drains, that it smelt of battery chickens.

Battery chickens!

So, can you please go and check?

HE SIGHS When?

Today? No, no!

Why not? We're going to a Christmas market.

This is more important!

TV's Rob Brydon MAY be making waffles.

TV's Rob Brydon can shove his waffles up his arse.

I mean, that's blasphemy.

Come on, Georgia's always wanted to go.

I will lose the booking if it's not confirmed today.

I need to check it before I can confirm it.

In case it smells of chickens?

In case it smells of chickens.

What's the restaurant called?

Dolos. D-O-L-O-S. Almasy Street.

And the booking's under your name? Yeah.

You check that they can fit 50.

And do food.

Maybe ask about cocktails and karaoke.

And a cake, cake with her name on it.

I want it to be classy.

Hence the karaoke. Oh,

do not tell Georgia you're helping me with this.

Please, don't tell anyone. I won't.

Promise me. I promise.

I don't want her thinking I'm inept. Perish the thought!

David, Michael. Oh, hello.

Hello. I wasn't expecting you.

Just having a wee chat. I'm just meeting

the interviewer here, just to check the link before...

Actually, it might be best if you two were...

Oh. Oh, "fuck off"?

Just for half an hour. Who's playing Scrooge?

That is a great question.

Hi, hi, sorry. Dominic!

Simon. Hi, yes.

And of course, this is David Tennant

and Michael Sheen.

Hello, lovely to meet you, Dominic. Hi.

I'm a little early. Oh, don't worry.

We'll leave you to it. Er, hwyl fawr.

See you later. Da boch.

Very, very good.

Very good. Looking forward to it.

Och, me too. Who's playing Scrooge?

Actually, David and Michael have

to head off, don't you? Don't they? Don't you?

See you in a bit. Off you go.

Guys, thank you. Thank you for your time.

Bye-bye. Bye. See you in a bit.

So, you got David and Michael back.

Yes, well, we have just been looking for the right thing

all these months, something fun.

A sort of radio play.

Well, radio's fun.

I didn't realise that the working relationship was back on track.

Er, yes. God, we are...

We are just so fond of each other. You said publicly

that you thought that the pairing had run its course

and become boring. Yes, well,

I'm glad you brought that up, actually...

"I'd rather put a fire out with my face

"than work with him again."

Was that Michael? David.

David? Was it? Right.

"I'd rather watch cheese melt

"and then ask the melted cheese to direct."

That was Michael.

Yeah, well, the respect is back now.

Who's playing Scrooge?

Ah, you, you're good, you are.

Just wait half an hour and all your questions will be answered.

It's gonna be David, Michael, Anna, Georgia, Lucy...

And you. And me.

And a casting announcement.

Oh, would be good, wouldn't it?

Fingers crossed.

All right. Thank you, Simon.

Bye, bye, bye, bye. See you in a bit.

HE SIGHS

Lucy, it's me. We are about to speak

to Front Row and I haven't decided

who's playing Scrooge yet - David or Michael.

Whoever doesn't get it will likely shout at me

and I'd like to avoid that... Simon?

Got to go.

Call me back. Love you. Bye. Simon?

I'm here!

OK, hold on one sec.

I'm here.

Simon?

Hi, yes.

Who is playing Scrooge?

David? How would Michael feel about that?

Well, you know Michael.

Actually, I don't.

Hey. I don't like this plant here.

Hi!

What are you doing?

I'm hiding keys. Oh. Why?

Cos we're supposed to be taking Lyra to meet Santa.

Now Michael is saying that he's driving to London.

Is he driving to London?

Not without his keys! Mm.

Is Michael playing Scrooge?

Well, how would David feel about that?

GEORGIA SCOFFS

I mean, come on, it's David.

Yes, but what does that mean?

Ah, Scrooge.

Mm. Is Michael playing him?

I assumed it was David. Simon?

Mm-hm. Who's playing him?

They need to know who they're playing before the interview. Yeah.

Sure. How are they both... How're they both feeling?

What do you mean?

Is David having fun in Japan? No.

But it's such a peaceful country.

Well, he wants to come home.

Michael... Does Michael like Christmas?

He seems eager to escape.

So, they're both unhappy? Simon,

is it David or is it Michael? Neither!

Because I've obviously got us a guest star.

A guest star? Who?

I can't say. Why not?

He's shy. Shy?

But very high-profile.

Is it, like, Hollywood high? At least!

Awards? All of them, I think.

How old is he? How old's Scrooge?

Over 60. Well, our guy is 62 next month.

Well, will he be joining the interview?

Yep.

MICHAEL: Is that Simon? Yes.

Tell him I need to speak to him.

He doesn't know where the keys are.

OK, is this real, Simon?

Would I make it up?

Me again.

I've put off deciding between David and Michael

by telling Anna and Georgia that I have a Hollywood superstar

standing by to play Scrooge. But I don't.

Simon! Call me back.

Love you. Bye. Simon!

Michael.

Hiya!

Hi. How are you?

HE MUMBLES AWKWARDLY

Ah, we've never really spoken like this before, have we,

just the two of us? Um, no.

Well, this is what it's like.

I don't like it. Are you in London?

Yes, for the day.

I need a favour.

Can you check out a restaurant? A restaurant?

It's called Dolos on Almasy Street.

Someone online has mentioned chickens.

On the menu? No, the smell.

Are there chickens wandering free? So, I need you

to check and confirm.

Pow, pow, pow.

Why can't you?

Um...

Anna's hidden my keys.

Why? Oh, it's a game we play.

Well, I'm driving home. When?

After the interview. Well, you can go on the way!

I can't. It's Christmas.

Look, Simon, Simon, this is important, OK?

It's not just any party, OK?

What is it? It's...

a wake.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Who... Who's it for?

A vicar.

Were you close?

Look, I know we've not seen eye to eye,

but if you do this for me... You'll be nice to me today?

..I'll be nice to you all day.

You won't shout at me, no matter what I do?

Scout's honour. Deal!

Ah, great, thank you!

Is the booking under your name?

No, it's under David Tennant.

It's another game we play. You and Anna?

Just check there's space for 50, OK? Who pretends to be David?

And food. Canapes, I think.

And, um, cocktails and karaoke.

You want cocktails and karaoke?

Well, you know, people sing when they drink.

At a wake? Michael,

how are we getting to the market?

Well, it depends on whether the keys have gone past the U-bend.

Oh, oh, oh, and don't tell anyone you're helping, OK?

And don't even mention the wake.

I won't, I won't.

Michael needs a favour in return for him to be nice all day.

Simon... I can get David to play Scrooge

and Michael can't shout at me. Simon...

All I've got to do is go to some restaurant after the interview.

Are you free after the interview?

Why?

We need to do a research chat with the guest.

No. OK, why not?

I have to check out a restaurant. What for?

A children's party.

You don't have any children. No.

I'm doing a favour for a friend. Is the friend a child?

He has children.

So, why can't he check it out for himself then?

He's at a wake.

His vicar died. I'm really sorry, I can't...

OK, what is the restaurant called? Dolos.

What, the one on Almasy Road? Yes.

That's super close. I've heard amazing things, by the way.

Have you heard anything about chickens? Chickens?

There's rumours of a smell. Right, no.

What if I go for you? When?

Now. I'll go now, and then you do the research chat.

That would be incredible. So, is it just the chicken smell?

Er, no. Can they fit 50 and do food?

Like pizza and soft drinks? No, canapes and cocktails.

For children? For the parents.

Right. And is the booking under your name?

No, it's under David Tennant.

I sometimes use his name to get tables.

OK. Well, stop doing that.

Understood.

Oh, hi, baby! Hey, baby.

Are you ready?

Very nearly.

Right, anything else? Er, yes.

A karaoke machine. OK, great. I'll be back.

Thank you. Bye.

Me again.

Things nearly came unglued, but Georgia saved the day.

I just need to step back this guest star

before anyone else hears about it... David?

..and I am home free.

Hello?

Hang on. Just getting dressed. OK.

Are you smart or smart-cas?

Smart kimono!

Ho-ho-ho, very nice!

When in Tokyo...

You would seem to be making less of an effort.

Ah, well, the glory of radio is the sartorial freedom it affords.

Is that right, yeah? Yes, I auditioned

for my first radio play from home over the phone

and in the nude.

Wow! Done it ever since.

David, Michael.

I have made a decision.

OK.

David, I would like you to play Scrooge.

Really? And I'm pretty sure

that Michael will be nice about it.

I respect your decision.

But what about the guest star?

What? Guest star?

Yeah, I just had a text from Georgia

saying you've got some big Hollywood star to play Scrooge.

Hang on, so David's not playing Scrooge?

You've got a Hollywood guest star? Yeah.

Well, is he showing up for the interview?

Apparently so. Simon?

Simon?

Hi, hi. Shwmae!

Oh, he's back! Hello.

Am I still too early? Yeah, don't worry about it.

No, we encourage coming and going, don't worry.

Yeah. I can always go again and come back.

No, listen... Apparently, Simon has

a bit of a surprise for us.

A surprise?!

Are you hinting at a guest star?

Oh, hey, Georgia. Ah, David.

DOMINIC: Hi.

Dominic. You are early.

The boys are dropping hints.

Well, they shouldn't be doing that. No, they shouldn't be doing that.

Can we have a couple more minutes?

DOMINIC: Yeah. Two minutes, not one? Yep, OK, sure.

GEORGIA: Cool. Can I just take a minute?

Have you been out, G?

Yeah, I had an errand to run.

I was telling Mike about the text you sent about the guest star.

Michael, is that what you're gonna wear?

Yes, well, the glory of radio...

Anna! I'll get a jacket.

He auditions in the nude. That's an image

that's gonna haunt me.

Take off the kimono. Yep.

The game is up.

I'm confessing everything. Remember me well.

Georgia!

Right. OK, all sorted.

I need to tell you...

There were no chickens, and the bins smell in summer but not in winter.

Great news. Also, you didn't mention it was for Christmas,

which, by the way, is my birthday.

I have something terrible to confess.

They can do pizza and canapes.

The cocktail list is basic, but they can do milkshakes. No karaoke,

so I got you a bouncy castle.

Bouncy castle? They partner with a company

that does, like, kids' stuff,

so I got you a bouncy castle, a ball pit and soft play.

That's a lot. Yeah, and a magician.

Magician?

Uh-huh, Chuckles.

What if they don't want Chuckles?

Then they should have organised it themselves.

Simon. Michael, good news.

There are no chickens.

Oh, the restaurant? How do you know?

Well, I just called on the phone.

Well, I could have called!

Yes, but bad news. No karaoke.

But good news, they're throwing in a bouncy castle.

Bouncy castle? It'll lighten the mood. No, it won't.

Well, then, a ball pit will do the trick.

A ball pit? And soft play elements.

It's a wake! It doesn't have to be gloomy.

People will spill their cocktails.

No cocktails, only milkshakes. Milkshakes?

People love milkshakes and magic.

And magic?

Hi, I'm your magician. My name's Chuckles.

Here's my top hat. What's inside?

It's a little rabbit.

What if people don't want Chuckles? Then they should have

sorted it out for themselves.

This is in the way.

MICHAEL SIGHS

Look, I know you didn't want to do another series.

I know that, but you've got to feel excited about this.

I do!

I'm all starstruck with anticipation.

I thought about Georgia's party.

Are you being original enough?

With what?

With the entertainment.

Well, that's what the karaoke's about.

Yeah, but what about a bouncy castle, a ball pit,

soft play area, milkshakes and a magician?

No, I'd feel bad about that.

You lack imagination.

Just check the smell, confirm the basics and ask about the cake.

The cake!

Right. Oh, can you get a bit more light, babe?

Oh. Well, it's half past ten at night here.

OK, then get a lamp.

And, Simon, are you gonna hold that plant the whole way through?

I thought I might. Anna!

Can you chase her, Michael? Yes.

Simon!

Hello? Are you nearly ready?

We need a cake!

A cake? With the name in icing on it.

But it's a wake.

Five minutes. We don't have five minutes.

Can you just check with the restaurant?

What name do you want on it? Georgia.

Can you help?

OK, I think we're ready.

I quite like the suspense. It feels exciting.

Does the restaurant do cakes?

Cake? I forgot about the birthday cake.

Oh, there's a bakery next door.

Well, then, don't worry, I'll call them.

Yeah, they do fun things with, like, marzipan.

Naked women, motorbikes and things. I just need "Georgia" written on it.

The party's for Georgia? That's right.

At Dolos? That's right.

On Christmas Day.

With a birthday cake. David?

Yeah? Why is Simon arranging my party?

He's not. I'm not.

Who are you arranging it for?

Michael! Michael?

What's Michael got to do with it?

What?

Is Simon arranging a party for you?

Can we please be

more sensitive? Why do we need to be sensitive?

Michael didn't want me to mention, but it's not a birthday party,

it's a wake. ANNA: A wake?

DAVID: Who died? Michael's vicar.

I didn't know we had a vicar.

Not any more.

And that her name was Georgia. Michael?

Yes. Is Simon arranging a wake for you?

Yes.

What happened to the vicar?

Terrible accident.

When?

December 3rd.

What happened?

She was attacked... by a reindeer.

Ah, OK.

How old was she? She was 57.

And why are you the one arranging it?

I was her best friend.

I thought I was your best friend. Shut up!

Where do you know her from?

Sunday school. Welsh?

Greek. Orthodox?

Atheist. Name?

Georgia. Surname.

Tennant. Right. Balls!

David, did you ask Michael to arrange my birthday party?

Yes. Right.

Michael, in turn, asked Simon.

In confidence.

I mean, why not ask a fucking spade?

Anna hid my keys! Simon, in turn, asked me.

So you sorted

your own birthday party. Mm-hm.

With a bouncy castle, pizza bites and a clown named Chuckles.

It sounds like a good party to me.

Did it smell of battery chickens? Enough!

OK, we will unpack

this casserole later. OK.

This is total chaos, and for once, Simon is the least to blame.

Well, that's really good to hear.

Thank you so much for saying that, Georgia.

And I'd like you all to remember that impression

that you have of me right now because it might not last

too long. This seems like a good time to tell you, to confess...

that I might have misled you just a little

about our guest star, and...

Ciao, tutti. Hello, hello! Shwmae, shwmae, shwmae.

Am I finally on time?

Absolutely spot-on. That's great.

Listen, I know you're all terribly busy,

you don't have much time,

so why don't I just jump straight in?

Sure. A Christmas Carol.

Yes, A Christmas Carol. Toot-toot.

Mm, first question. Who is playing who?

And not just because I heard a whisper earlier,

can we expect any high-profile guest stars?

Simon? Simon?

Simon? Simon?

Sorry I'm late. ALL: Lucy?

Hi! We weren't expecting you.

Well, I wanted to introduce you to your new co-star.

Co-star? Didn't Simon say?

He mentioned something.

We've been working together, and Simon asked me to reach out to him.

Did I?

In all those voicemails?

In all those voicemails, yes.

Yes. Yeah. He asked me to ask him

if he'd be up for playing Scrooge. ALL: And?

And he said yes.

Brr-rrr-rrr-rrr...

VOICEOVER: 'Sure. I mean, the camera issue

'and the bad Wi-Fi, that was the final...

'But they had not been happy for a while.'

GUEST STAR: Sorry. It's all right. Let's cut there.

'It had been a long day and a big scene,

'a tricky scene, and new people always slow things down.'

I can't seem to turn the camera on.

Well, we'll fix it. Judi Dench had problems too.

Sorry. It's not your fault.

I'm not very technically minded.

Simon, what are we calling that one? Take 12.

How's the light in here?

Fine. But the sun was up when we started.

DAVID: Where do we have to go back to?

We'll have to go back to your entrance in the kimono.

No, that's, like, 20 pages.

GUEST STAR: Sorry. It's not your fault.

We must be able to cut in later.

No, cos we need it for the pace, don't we?

Got to put the cocking kimono on again!

Yeah, if you can. And, Michael, you were in a different outfit,

the lights were off, I think.

Chairs were in a different position, Anna was off-screen,

you had a different jacket. Georgia, your coat...

Was that after I had my coat on? I think so.

Does anybody remember whether this was there?

Yep, it was on your left. No, right.

I dunno. Mum, my iPad's run out of batteries.

Oh, David, Doris's iPad's run

out of battery. Er, charger's up here.

I'll put it outside the door. Go upstairs and get it from Dad.

GUEST STAR: Aren't you in Japan? No, he's upstairs.

The magic of television. DAVID: Fucking wish I was in Japan.

GUEST STAR: Sorry again. It's not your fault.

Whose fault is it, Simon?

Let's just get through this. No, I don't want to.

Can we just get through this scene?

We're tired, Simon. GUEST STAR: I'm sorry.

Shut up! Whoa, Michael!

No, no, no, I've had enough! But don't take it out on...

It's a mess! It's a mess, this whole thing!

Well, it's a big scene.

Yeah, and in pursuit of what?

You wanted to do a third series, Simon.

I know.

Promised us something new. This is new.

No, no, this is a Whitehall farce.

And you think that's easy? Yeah, I think it's stale.

I think it's a knockoff Frasier episode.

It's been done before, and, might I add,

by brighter, better, funnier, more original people than you!

Yeah, well, you know what?

I didn't wanna do

a third series either. Oh, no?

No. Then why are we doing one?

David, do you feel...?

Georgia?

Peter?

VOICEOVER: 'And so, they left,

'with the first two episodes of series three filmed,

'with the producers

'and the broadcasters still expecting four more.'

Sorry.

It's not your fault.

All right?

Yeah, I think so.

Do you wanna swap?

Yeah. Yeah.

He gets nervous about his height.

Yes, but he's nearer the camera. It's the perspective.

Is that better? Yeah, that's much better.

Where were we?

Yes.

Ah, the infamous series three.

Were there?

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