Original subtitles

DAVID: It's just been nice to do something new.

MICHAEL: Yeah, must have been.

I don't like resting on my laurels.

No, you don't.

I like to push myself,

as you know.

ANNOUNCEMENT IN JAPANESE

Oh, I'm so sorry, am I keeping you?

No, no, no, no. I'm...

You know, we've just been at this for a while now.

Am I boring you?

It's nearly midnight.

Sleep in! I can't. I have responsibilities.

Like what?

Er, like Christmas trees,

erm... family, love.

I want to tell you about my laurels.

And I sincerely do wanna hear about your laurels.

It was an adventure. Was it?

I pushed myself.

Yeah, well, you are doing an advert for cream cheese.

But in Tokyo.

And I drove a car.

Do they like cream cheese in Tokyo? Not a fucking clue.

I'm sure they will when they see you drive a car.

I'm spreading the word.

MICHAEL SIGHS

Oh, come on! Why are you in a mood?

I'm not in a mood.

I'm stuck in an airport! Whose fault is that?

I need distracting.

Buy a book.

The shops aren't open yet. Write a book.

When do you board?

I don't know. There's a delay.

Hang on, have you dyed your hair?

No.

It's looking terribly lush and youthful.

It's just the light in this room.

Knock, knock.

No.

Come on! No.

Come on, play with me. No, play with yourself.

Oh, saucy! What's the first rule of improvisation?

Never say no.

Never say no. Give me a location, go on.

Erm, Tokyo airport?

Less specifically geographical.

An airport. Give me a character.

Hyperactive Scottish actor waiting for a plane.

Ooh, interesting. Who's he talking to?

Hestia, the god of patience.

Give me a genre.

Tired romance.

Knock, knock.

Go away!

THICK ACCENT: I've got a parcel for you.

I never ordered anything.

Label says, "Michael Sheen".

There's no Michael Sheen in here.

I think it's a big bottle of hair dye.

Could you use it?

It's from a lovely lad, name of David Tennant.

Never heard of her.

Oh, well, shall I just leave it outside?

Erm, I couldn't give a fuck.

I tell you what, set fire to it and throw it at a badger.

SIMON: I just need to talk to them.

LUCY: Isn't David still filming in Japan?

Well, they've got phones in Japan and in Wales.

Michael cocoons for Christmas.

How do you know what Michael does for Christmas?

We talk all the time, to be honest.

What, you and Michael? Yeah, and David.

But you're filming in the Caribbean.

Yeah, they've got phones here, too, Simon.

How is it that everyone is filming something except for me?

They're just so good together, aren't they?

Simon, I'm running out of time. I'm meant to be on set.

And I resent it. Yeah, I won't be a minute.

But I can't ignore it. I need to be in hair and make-up.

Look, the networks don't want me. Nobody wants me.

Of course they do. Only if I've got David and Michael.

So, get David and Michael.

I need an idea. What happened with the film?

It was only gonna happen if I had David and Michael.

Oh! And they said no?

They thought about it.

And then? Then they said no.

The miniseries? The same.

The play in the West End? David or Michael.

For Hedda Gabler? I was shopping a bold concept.

And David and Michael said...

Just went quiet this time.

The pantomime? They wanted Georgia.

As what? Dick Whittington's cat.

And she said no? She left me a very angry voicemail.

Oh, sorry.

It's all right. It was nice to hear her voice.

You need a new idea.

Been offered a radio play.

Oh, of?

Six Characters In Search Of An Author.

Hm. Do you want to do that?

No, I wanna write something!

They've said no to everything you wrote since series two?

Comic Relief. They said yes to Comic Relief.

You can't say no to Comic Relief. It's like national service.

Lucy? Yeah. I've got to go.

But if I offer them something and they say no again,

that's it, I'm toast. I know.

Yeah, OK, I'm coming.

Oh, um...

Is there a version of this?

Is there a version of what? Erm...

Our director says it when he wants us to try something.

What do you mean?

It's disarming, you can't say no.

Is there a version of this where we cover it in one shot?

Is there a version of this where we talk less emotionally,

where we discuss working together again?

Is there a version of this?

Lucy. I'm coming!

Start with that, and just see what they say.

Yes, sorry. Go. Great, thank you.

Bye-bye. Oh, er, one more thing. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

So, they're not picking up when I call,

so is there a version

of this where you...?

SHE SIGHS Seriously?

My co-star reminded me of you.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, not you now you,

like, nowadays grumpy old bastard you.

Not that you. But you back in the day

when we first started working together.

How so?

You know, it was playful,

quick-witted, youthful, curious.

I made him laugh.

Remember when I used to make you laugh?

Well, I was young.

I laughed at glove puppets and people falling over.

Yeah. We don't laugh any more.

We don't talk any more.

We're talking now.

Yeah, but only while we wait for Lucy.

MICHAEL SIGHS We talked last night.

Yeah, but you were in a mood.

I was not in a mood.

All right, fine. You weren't in a mood.

WHISPERS: But you were.

MICHAEL HUFFS

Prrr.... Think she's gonna be long?

I don't know.

Gonna go for a wee before she joins us.

Oh, lovely. Thanks for that.

You know, she never saw your Hamlet.

Neither did you. No, I didn't. You're right.

I never wanna see another Hamlet as long as I live, I don't think.

Once you know who done it, sort of takes the joy out of it, doesn't it?

Mind you, I love a bit of Columbo.

WHISPERS: Fuck off!

No David? No, he's in the toilet.

Oh. Will you be long?

I wouldn't think so. Come on, Christmas trees.

TOILET FLUSHES I don't wanna miss the tall ones.

He's always a double-flusher.

TOILET FLUSHES And there we go.

Ah.

Ah, Anna!

Hello, David.

Where are you? Tokyo.

What happened? Planes have been grounded.

Volcanic ash in the sky.

You're in a hotel? Indefinitely.

Well, you can't miss Georgia's birthday!

I mean, I have very little control over this situation.

She'll be furious. It is a volcano, you know.

Well, have you got her a good present?

I was gonna arrange a party.

What?

Have you done that before?

Well...

No.

But it can't be that difficult, can it?

Will you say hi to Lucy for me?

I will. OK.

Lycka till.

Shisha shill.

I always take the hotel art off the wall.

Blandness frightens me.

I mean, if I were you, I'd take down the mirrors.

Like skimmed milk.

I always feel like they might be haunted

by the ghost of the colour beige.

There's no such thing as bad art.

No, that's a popular misconception.

Hi, everyone!

Ah! Ah, there she is.

Lucy.

David, are you still in Tokyo?

Oh, Lucy, thank you so much for noticing.

What can we do for you?

It sounded important.

Yeah, well, erm...

'Ello, 'ello.

HE LAUGHS

David! Michael!

I'm sorry, guys. Oh...

Look, he's my brother, so...

Anyway, I'll leave you to it now.

Thanks, Lucy.

Thank you.

Oh, she's... Isn't she?

Just...

This is tiresome.

And I have missed you, too, Michael.

Why are you here?

Oh, just to catch up really. Long time, no see.

Have you lost weight?

Who?

Er, both of you. Either of you?

No! Michael, your hair looks...

Er... younger.

Younger?

Er, darker, is what I mean.

It's just the light in the room.

It's just the light!

Isn't it just great to have

the old gang back together, hm?

Did you get Lucy to set this up?

No! Let's all say our favourite line from Staged at the same time,

shall we? One, two, three.

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

Lucy said she needed to speak to us.

Yeah, she was having "a career crisis".

Did you tell her to say that?

I... I told her I wanted to speak to you.

Speak to our agents, Simon.

Well, they're not returning my calls.

Yeah, because they have your mugshot on the wall of their office

with "Never answer the phone to this fuckwit" written all over it.

You said you were bored of doing Staged.

Not bored, not bored.

You wanted to do different things.

Different things with you.

No, no, no. You said you were bored of us. Yes.

Is there a version of this conversation where we all calm down?

Yes.

All right.

Is there a version

of this conversation

where I am able to speak

uninterrupted...

..for a bit?

It's not impossible.

It's not impossible, no. OK, well...

Erm... er...

is there a version of... of... of this...

..December where... we...?

Is there a version of December

where we all work together again?

There's always a version.

There is a version, isn't there?

Something... something classical, theatrical,

the old rat-a-tat-tat, the old charm.

Look, David's in Tokyo. Yeah.

Michael's buying a Christmas tree. Yeah.

Is there a version, though,

that celebrates all that?

There's always a version. There's always a version.

I want to direct a radio play

of Six Characters In Search Of An Author,

which can be rehearsed anywhere,

quickly and easily, and then performed live

from anywhere in the world on Christmas Eve,

and I'm wondering if there's a version of December

where we all do that together

and it's wonderful.

TV PLAYS FAINTLY

Looks like they're hoping the wind is gonna blow

the smoke cloud away to the north.

How long's that gonna take?

I mean, I don't really know. It's all in Japanese.

SHE SIGHS Has anyone been hurt?

No, I don't think so.

Then it needs a stern talking to.

Yeah, it's a six-mile high column of ash, but...

Well, that's no excuse for petulance.

You'll be back for my birthday, won't you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I hope so.

David!

I never even wanted you to do this fucking job anyway.

I will move mountains, my darling.

OK, well, moving mountains seems to be the cause of the problem.

Can you get a train or something?

Japan's an island.

I know it's an island. I just miss you.

I miss you, too.

Do the kids miss me?

I dunno. I'll ask them. Kids, do you miss Dad?

That's awkward.

I mean...

They're pining.

Mm. I like that picture on the wall. Yeah, me too. Look.

Boobies!

Yeah, it's well lit.

And hung. Hanged.

No, that's not how you say that.

Michael has an aversion to hotel room art.

Course he does. Is he still...? A grumpy bastard? Yes!

Sorry.

I think he misses me, too.

Probably.

There was a wee moment,

there was a little... a little flash of the old magic.

We were talking to Simon... Why were you talking to Simon?

Oh, he finagled his way into this call with Lucy,

but just for a second,

it was like the old times.

Zip, zap, bing, bong, whizz, wang...

OK, but why was Simon talking to you?

He wanted to suggest something.

Oh, oh, did he? Yeah.

Not a terrible idea, actually.

No? OK, tell me. It's a radio version

of Six Characters In Search Of An Author.

You can rehearse it anywhere, then we all come together

to perform it live on Christmas Eve.

OK, yeah, he burned that bridge, David.

I know. He just wanted to know if there was a version of December

where we all did that together, that was all.

Did he ask like that? Like what?

"Is there a version?"

I don't know. I think so, yeah.

Yeah, cos you don't use that phrase. No.

Must've been Simon, then.

Yeah, OK. Well, he is a pernicious little skunk.

Whoa! Why?

It's Machiavellian.

How is it Machiavellian?

Because you can't say no to it.

It removes all of the emotion.

People use it when they wanna get their own way.

There's always a version where this or that happens.

Doesn't mean it's the right one!

You're being paranoid.

Oh, am I? Yeah.

Am I? Let's see, shall we?

PHONE DIALS

'Hi, Georgia.'

Hi, Anna. Hi. Listen.

I am really looking forward to seeing you this weekend.

I was just wondering, is there a version where you come to ours?

'Why are you using that phrase?'

What phrase?

'You know what phrase.'

Just proving something to David.

'Don't mind-game me, Tennant.'

OK, see you this weekend.

'Is there a version where I shove...?'

Simon is manipulating us? Mm-hm.

I didn't think he had it in him.

WHISPERS: Little shit.

Everyone's very excited.

You've told them?

I have Team Staged back together again.

We're very excited.

Yes, we've talked about it non-stop since you brought it up.

No second thoughts, I hope? None.

Not a single second thought.

Can I just say that I'm sorry

for what I said publicly about us before?

Don't worry about it. It's fine. You wanted to branch out.

Yeah, I wanted to try something new to show that I could do new things.

I was frustrated, OK.

Just everyone wanted you.

Water under the bridge.

I was afraid I'd burnt the bridge. Well, the bridge is fine.

I wonder if there's a version

of this whole experience where we end up as friends.

I wonder that, too.

A version where we're best friends.

Wouldn't that be nice?

I was just thinking before I got on the call, I wonder

if there's a version where we don't do

Six Characters In Search Of An Author, we do something else.

Not Six Characters?

I'm just saying.

Is there a version where I write something original for us?

Something original?

I like the idea. There is a version, isn't there?

There's certainly a version. But is there a version

where someone else writes it? Mm.

Someone else?

Is there a version, Simon?

Who?

Neil Gaiman, perhaps?

Neil Gaiman?! Oh, no.

No. Why not?

Because there's a version where I never read his books,

and in that version, I've kept that a secret for years.

I don't wanna chance my luck any further.

You never read his books? I'm saying

there's a version of reality where I haven't.

Not even Good Omens?

I mean, I skimmed it.

He keeps sending us signed copies.

And there's a version where I sell them on eBay.

Is there a version where I still direct it, though, maybe?

Never mind Neil Gaiman. What about Russell T Davies?

I'm sorry. There's a version where I don't like Russell T Davies.

Why not? Cos he doesn't like me.

Rubbish! He never casts me.

Well, I mean, is there a version where that doesn't matter

cos he's got loads of BAFTAs and an OBE and shit?

But does he have a British Comedy Award?

He's got that, too. Disappointing.

He does not respect me.

He asked you to do a bit from Under Milk Wood.

You can't swing a fucking cat for people who've asked me

to do a bit from Under Milk Wood.

Is there a version where you stop being so cantankerous?

I'm not being cantankerous.

No, you've been snarky and cold

with me for weeks now,

and I reach out and I try,

and you brush me off.

Well, is there a version where you accept

that we have been working together non-stop for two years

and I might not wanna spend all my time with you all the time?

Is there a version where I might want a change?

I don't know what to say. Is there a version

where Simon's not the only one who's bored of us?

I don't accept that version.

Can I just add

that I've already been paid for it

and... and have told them that they'll have it

and they're expecting us to do it on Christmas Eve,

so whatever we do,

there is a version where we are doing it

and that is the version.

We're in that version.

Honestly, guys, I'm so flattered to be asked.

Well, it was David's idea.

You been busy?

Just finished a novel, a new one.

Ah! Exciting!

Fantasy? Not this time.

This one is a Nordic noir.

Well, that's new!

I thought it was time to, you know, branch out, do some new things,

show I'm not just a one-trick pony.

You know, I'll send you both a copy.

Thank you.

Of course.

You know, guys, I just thought

you would have gone to Russell T Davies for this.

Well, Michael's not a fan.

I mean, what does the T even stand for?

It stands for Stephen. No, that can't be right.

Yeah, it's Stephen Russell Davies.

Well, that makes no sense!

Does it feel a bit pretentious to you?

Well, redundant for sure.

Yeah, like a kitschy sort of spleen.

Michael C Sheen.

David J Tennant.

Neil RM Gaiman.

Ooh, two initials!

Yeah, I added one.

Does that feel ostentatious?

Well, it worked for George RR Martin.

Yeah...

We are not talking about George RR Martin.

I don't wanna talk about it.

So, a radio play!

Yes, you know, something original

or an adaptation.

One of mine? David?

No.

Oh, why not?

David, come on.

Which one's your favourite of my books?

Mm.

I mean, they're all very good.

I just think this should be, like, an old classic maybe,

something familiar.

Who's directing? Simon.

So, something idiot-proof, then.

Yeah.

Hm. OK, I've got one.

Great Expectations,

but Miss Havisham's death is treated as suspicious.

Hamlet. You both love Hamlet,

but this time, he's a gloomy Danish cop

who realises that his father's death was suspicious

and his mother... ear poison murdered him.

Pride And Prejudice.

We open on a misty Nordic lake.

See, I don't know that this needs the Nordic approach.

Michael, it's where the money is.

Everybody loves Nordic.

Yeah. Tales of bitter Gothic vengeance.

Just right for Christmas.

Yeah, something festive maybe? What about A Christmas Carol?

Oh!

Oh, that's brilliant! David, I love it! That's the tits!

OK.

So, Marley is dead to begin with.

Only Scrooge is gonna find out who did it.

It's gonna be Bob Cratchit, last person you'd suspect.

Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim did it.

Everybody's gonna love it.

Yeah, I don't really think that's the way to go.

OK. No, I see your point.

That makes a lot of sense. But...

Is there a version of this

in which...? Fuck you, Gaiman!

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