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1
00:01:47,892 --> 00:01:50,393
Can I get another drink down here?
2
00:01:50,603 --> 00:01:52,729
I've been to prison once,
3
00:01:52,855 --> 00:01:54,981
I've been married twice.
4
00:01:55,274 --> 00:01:57,358
I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson
5
00:01:57,443 --> 00:01:59,402
and had to live in shit-ass Mexico
6
00:01:59,528 --> 00:02:01,488
for two and a half years for no reason.
7
00:02:01,947 --> 00:02:05,450
I've had my eye socket
punched in, a kidney taken out,
8
00:02:05,576 --> 00:02:09,412
and I got a bone chip in my
ankle that's never gonna heal.
9
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:13,041
I've seen some pretty
shitty situations in my life,
10
00:02:13,125 --> 00:02:16,336
but nothing has ever
sucked more ass than this.
11
00:02:17,546 --> 00:02:18,861
If I'd known I was going to have to put up
12
00:02:18,881 --> 00:02:20,173
with a bunch of screaming brats
13
00:02:20,299 --> 00:02:22,550
pissing on my lap
for 30 days out of the year,
14
00:02:22,635 --> 00:02:25,553
I would have killed myself a long time ago.
15
00:02:28,724 --> 00:02:31,809
Come to think of it, I still might.
16
00:02:33,479 --> 00:02:35,980
Where I come from, we
didn't celebrate Christmas.
17
00:02:36,065 --> 00:02:37,315
Not because we were Jewish,
18
00:02:37,399 --> 00:02:40,193
but because my dad was a
worthless coward fucking asshole
19
00:02:40,277 --> 00:02:43,905
whose idea of a present was a
daily punch to the back of the head.
20
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:46,866
He did teach me how
to crack a safe, though.
21
00:02:48,077 --> 00:02:51,204
My dad never did shit with his
life, so he took it out on me.
22
00:02:51,288 --> 00:02:52,872
You could say I'm no different,
23
00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:54,582
and I'd have to say you were right.
24
00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:57,335
But at this point,
it's too late to start over.
25
00:02:57,419 --> 00:02:59,504
Funny how things work out.
26
00:02:59,588 --> 00:03:01,589
It's fucking hilarious.
27
00:03:22,528 --> 00:03:24,946
There's Santa Claus over there.
28
00:03:29,451 --> 00:03:31,035
Wow.
29
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,167
Oh, my, what a darling photo.
30
00:03:38,294 --> 00:03:40,211
Are you certain you only want the single?
31
00:03:40,337 --> 00:03:41,838
Additional photos come in handy
32
00:03:42,006 --> 00:03:43,506
as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa
33
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:45,883
or as a wonderful remembrance for friends.
34
00:03:45,968 --> 00:03:47,135
You know what?
35
00:03:47,219 --> 00:03:48,819
This one, I think it's more than enough.
36
00:03:49,221 --> 00:03:51,556
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
37
00:03:52,641 --> 00:03:54,183
What do you want, little girl?
38
00:03:54,351 --> 00:03:55,893
A drum set.
39
00:03:56,562 --> 00:03:58,271
Your old man will love that.
40
00:03:58,355 --> 00:04:00,106
Okay, fine.
See you later.
41
00:04:10,034 --> 00:04:12,118
I saw you at another mall.
42
00:04:12,202 --> 00:04:13,870
Oh, I'm very happy for you.
43
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,872
You're not really Santa.
44
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,957
If you were Santa, you could do magic.
45
00:04:18,208 --> 00:04:20,251
You wanna see some magic?
46
00:04:20,336 --> 00:04:22,170
Let's watch you disappear.
47
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,362
Watch the bladder,
kid. Santa's got to pee.
48
00:04:25,382 --> 00:04:26,466
What do you want?
49
00:04:26,550 --> 00:04:27,925
A new bike.
50
00:04:28,010 --> 00:04:29,610
Wow, that's
a new one. Excellent.
51
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,828
Your attention, shoppers,
the store will be closing in five minutes.
52
00:04:32,848 --> 00:04:34,448
We hope tomorrow's a pleasant Christmas,
53
00:04:34,516 --> 00:04:35,975
and thank you for shopping with us.
54
00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:37,101
Is that it?
55
00:04:37,186 --> 00:04:38,269
Yeah, that's the last one.
56
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,855
Thank the fuck Christ.
57
00:04:41,732 --> 00:04:43,524
Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.
58
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,401
You pissed yourself.
59
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,033
Oh, Jesus.
60
00:04:54,244 --> 00:04:56,412
Yeah, right.
61
00:04:58,582 --> 00:05:00,917
Happy holidays.
All right.
62
00:05:01,752 --> 00:05:03,419
Merry Christmas.
63
00:05:05,589 --> 00:05:07,149
Get home safe.
64
00:05:08,092 --> 00:05:11,552
I don't care what he says,
we're going out for a beer.
65
00:05:11,887 --> 00:05:13,596
I'll get right back to you.
66
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,421
What the hell's wrong with you?
67
00:05:15,599 --> 00:05:16,747
I'm trying to fucking leave here.
68
00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,017
Pants are awful baggy.
69
00:05:18,102 --> 00:05:20,019
You got anything in there?
70
00:05:20,104 --> 00:05:22,730
Yeah, my dick.
You want to see it?
71
00:05:24,566 --> 00:05:26,484
Keep pushing me.
72
00:05:26,568 --> 00:05:29,028
I got my eyes on you.
All the time.
73
00:06:33,343 --> 00:06:34,510
Ready.
74
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,141
Jesus.
75
00:07:20,724 --> 00:07:21,891
How's it going?
76
00:07:22,059 --> 00:07:23,248
I'm finished when I'm finished.
77
00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:24,477
I'm going back upstairs.
78
00:07:24,561 --> 00:07:26,354
I need a melon baller and a loofah.
79
00:07:28,524 --> 00:07:29,774
Got it.
80
00:07:33,612 --> 00:07:35,112
Fuck the loofah, let's go.
81
00:07:42,412 --> 00:07:44,455
Marcus, you get the loofah?
82
00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:45,873
Drive!
83
00:07:53,215 --> 00:07:54,947
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
♪ jingle bell rock ♪
84
00:07:54,967 --> 00:07:57,760
♪ Jingle bells chime in ♪
♪ jingle bell time ♪
85
00:07:58,762 --> 00:08:01,055
I'm dizzy.
Put me down.
86
00:08:02,266 --> 00:08:03,346
♪ That's the jingle bell ♪
87
00:08:03,392 --> 00:08:04,851
Put me down.
88
00:08:05,477 --> 00:08:07,520
Oh, come on.
89
00:08:07,604 --> 00:08:09,230
♪ That's the ♪
♪ jingle bell rock ♪
90
00:08:15,612 --> 00:08:17,655
Baby, two more of these, all right?
91
00:08:17,781 --> 00:08:19,615
No, that's it for me.
92
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:23,494
You can't drink worth
a shit, you know that?
93
00:08:24,997 --> 00:08:27,206
I weigh 92 pounds, you dick.
94
00:08:28,792 --> 00:08:31,627
Come on, one more.
It's a celebration.
95
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,797
Here's to you.
96
00:08:42,848 --> 00:08:45,474
You're getting worse, you know that?
97
00:08:45,684 --> 00:08:47,310
At least I got it open.
98
00:08:47,436 --> 00:08:49,020
It took you long enough.
99
00:08:49,771 --> 00:08:54,150
I remember the time when you could
unlock a lock like it was nothing.
100
00:08:54,526 --> 00:08:57,486
You don't have to worry about me anymore.
101
00:08:58,697 --> 00:08:59,864
I'm out.
102
00:08:59,948 --> 00:09:01,157
Bullshit.
103
00:09:02,659 --> 00:09:04,327
Bullshit, my ass.
104
00:09:05,537 --> 00:09:08,789
We just made $111,000 in one night.
105
00:09:08,874 --> 00:09:11,500
Exactly. I figure I got
enough to go to Miami.
106
00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:13,252
And do what?
107
00:09:13,337 --> 00:09:17,256
I don't know. Shit, get a car,
get a place maybe, you know?
108
00:09:17,341 --> 00:09:18,966
Maybe start a business.
109
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:20,676
A bar out on the beach.
110
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,595
Something like that.
111
00:09:22,888 --> 00:09:26,599
I could quit drinking and run the place.
112
00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:29,393
Maybe marry a waitress.
113
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:33,689
What?
114
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,274
You ain't gonna do shit except go
115
00:09:35,359 --> 00:09:37,039
down there and drink your fucking ass off.
116
00:09:37,361 --> 00:09:39,195
You're gonna piss everything away,
117
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:42,490
and end up counting the
days till next Christmas.
118
00:09:42,574 --> 00:09:45,117
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
119
00:09:45,202 --> 00:09:47,078
It ain't gonna happen.
120
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:51,666
If I call you next December...
If I call you next December,
121
00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:53,501
you're gonna be so happy to hear from me,
122
00:09:53,585 --> 00:09:55,628
you're gonna do a goddamn back flip.
123
00:09:56,046 --> 00:09:58,214
You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast
124
00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:00,675
that you're gonna get fucking hatburn.
125
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,803
Can I get you guys two more?
126
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,851
No, thanks, we're all right.
127
00:10:13,397 --> 00:10:16,732
See? I'm already
on the wagon.
128
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:52,393
Asshole, how many times I got to tell you?
129
00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:54,645
Get out from behind my bar!
130
00:10:55,981 --> 00:10:57,773
Put the drink down right now!
131
00:10:57,899 --> 00:10:59,692
Put the drink down right now!
132
00:11:01,111 --> 00:11:02,153
Fuck you.
133
00:11:02,237 --> 00:11:03,320
Fuck me?
134
00:11:13,123 --> 00:11:14,165
Fuck you!
135
00:11:18,628 --> 00:11:19,628
Asshole!
136
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,273
Get the fuck out of here right now!
137
00:11:58,168 --> 00:12:00,336
♪ Have a holly ♪
♪ jolly Christmas ♪
138
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:03,214
♪ And in case ♪
♪ you didn't hear ♪
139
00:12:03,340 --> 00:12:06,634
♪ Oh by golly, have a holly ♪
♪ jolly Christmas this year ♪
140
00:12:06,718 --> 00:12:09,386
Fucking shit! Fuck you!
141
00:12:10,639 --> 00:12:13,849
Fuck you! Fuck you!
142
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:07,356
Yeah, baby.
143
00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:12,695
You want to play Hide The Nazi one day?
144
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,037
God damn it.
145
00:15:25,041 --> 00:15:26,917
Here you go, sweetie.
146
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,379
I've got something for your pretty ass.
147
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,089
You do?
Yeah.
148
00:15:35,093 --> 00:15:38,595
Wow. $5. Thanks.
149
00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:44,812
I will listen to my messages.
150
00:15:45,061 --> 00:15:46,595
You need to take a shower.
151
00:15:47,897 --> 00:15:49,815
I'm a dancer. I sweat.
152
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,359
You smell like a bum's nut sack.
153
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,320
Fuck you.
154
00:16:00,243 --> 00:16:01,744
Message one.
155
00:16:03,913 --> 00:16:07,916
This is Andrew Caplan again,
calling from the collection agency.
156
00:16:08,877 --> 00:16:10,336
Message two.
157
00:16:10,628 --> 00:16:12,421
This is Dolores Axelrod.
158
00:16:12,547 --> 00:16:14,340
You ran into my car last week.
159
00:16:14,716 --> 00:16:17,009
I called State Farm,
but they have no record
160
00:16:17,135 --> 00:16:19,470
of any insurance policy for you.
161
00:16:19,554 --> 00:16:22,598
In case you misplaced it,
my phone number is...
162
00:16:23,058 --> 00:16:24,516
Message three.
163
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:26,226
Willie, it's Marcus.
164
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:27,936
It's that time of year again.
165
00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:30,064
Pack your shit. Phoenix.
166
00:16:31,775 --> 00:16:34,318
♪ Oh, the weather outside ♪
♪ is so frightful ♪
167
00:16:34,402 --> 00:16:37,863
♪ But the fire ♪
♪ is so delightful ♪
168
00:16:37,947 --> 00:16:41,367
♪ And since ♪
♪ we've no place to go ♪
169
00:16:41,451 --> 00:16:44,870
♪ Let it snow! Let it snow! ♪
♪ Let it snow! ♪
170
00:16:44,954 --> 00:16:48,457
♪ Man, it doesn't show ♪
♪ signs of stopping ♪
171
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:52,002
♪ And I've brought me ♪
♪ some corn for popping ♪
172
00:16:52,754 --> 00:16:55,714
♪ The lights are turned ♪
♪ way down low ♪
173
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:59,760
♪ Let it snow! Let it snow! ♪
174
00:17:06,684 --> 00:17:08,060
Jesus Christ!
175
00:17:08,144 --> 00:17:11,230
Can you maybe keep it
together for just 10 minutes?
176
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:21,281
Harrison, just let me
explain, please. Financially...
177
00:17:21,366 --> 00:17:23,200
You get what you pay for.
178
00:17:23,284 --> 00:17:25,016
Five Christmases I've
been here, and now what?
179
00:17:25,036 --> 00:17:27,196
You flip me for some stranger
who'll do it for peanuts,
180
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:28,853
and who happens to work with a real midget?
181
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:30,707
Let me tell you something.
Nobody cares.
182
00:17:30,792 --> 00:17:32,126
Nobody comes here for the elf.
183
00:17:32,210 --> 00:17:33,544
Santa's the attraction!
184
00:17:33,628 --> 00:17:35,129
I do Burl Ives songs.
185
00:17:35,213 --> 00:17:36,797
Does this schmo even play guitar?
186
00:17:36,965 --> 00:17:40,467
Harrison, it's not about
the money or the midget.
187
00:17:40,552 --> 00:17:42,136
Believe me, if it was...
188
00:17:42,220 --> 00:17:44,054
I don't think
they like "midget."
189
00:17:44,139 --> 00:17:45,889
I think you're supposed to call them...
190
00:17:45,974 --> 00:17:47,766
Oh, just forget it!
191
00:17:49,727 --> 00:17:51,061
Hacks!
192
00:17:51,855 --> 00:17:54,148
Hi. Bob Chipeska.
193
00:17:54,399 --> 00:17:57,443
Welcome. Great photo
and resumé, by the way.
194
00:17:57,527 --> 00:18:00,195
Thanks. We've been at
this a long time and all,
195
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,114
so we'd like to think we do a good job.
196
00:18:02,198 --> 00:18:05,701
I'm so glad you guys could
come in on such short notice.
197
00:18:16,045 --> 00:18:17,360
...affect your
performance in any way.
198
00:18:17,380 --> 00:18:18,505
Oh, no...
199
00:18:18,590 --> 00:18:19,631
Performance?
200
00:18:19,716 --> 00:18:22,426
Yes, your performance.
You know, the...
201
00:18:22,510 --> 00:18:24,595
Performance, like sexual?
202
00:18:25,597 --> 00:18:26,680
Excuse me?
203
00:18:26,764 --> 00:18:29,516
Are you saying there's
something wrong with my gear?
204
00:18:29,601 --> 00:18:30,915
Is that what you're saying to me?
205
00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:31,977
I'm sorry. Your gear?
206
00:18:32,061 --> 00:18:33,687
My fuckstick.
207
00:18:36,024 --> 00:18:37,733
Willie, take a seat.
208
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:39,193
You know how your blood sugar is.
209
00:18:39,277 --> 00:18:40,903
He's not going to say "fuckstick"
210
00:18:41,070 --> 00:18:42,654
in front of the children, is he?
211
00:18:42,739 --> 00:18:44,656
No. It's a joke.
212
00:18:45,033 --> 00:18:47,701
An adult joke.
For us adults.
213
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,995
It's a joke, just a joke.
214
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:58,003
"Fuckstick"?
215
00:18:58,087 --> 00:19:00,672
Yes, I thought it was very strange, too.
216
00:19:01,424 --> 00:19:05,469
So as our security chief, I
wanted you to, you know, be aware.
217
00:19:05,553 --> 00:19:08,889
His little friend promised he wouldn't
say it in front of the children.
218
00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:11,642
Which is fine, because, you know,
219
00:19:12,393 --> 00:19:16,063
there is an adult world and a
child's world, and that's okay.
220
00:19:16,147 --> 00:19:17,439
I'm no censor.
221
00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:18,815
Little friend?
222
00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:21,944
Yes, he happens to be a dwarf,
223
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:24,404
or midget.
224
00:19:24,489 --> 00:19:29,451
I don't know what he's called
exactly, but he's a little guy.
225
00:19:30,453 --> 00:19:32,996
Little Billy Barty, God rest.
226
00:19:33,331 --> 00:19:38,252
But thin fingers, not
the fat sausage fingers.
227
00:19:40,922 --> 00:19:42,881
"Little people," that's what they like.
228
00:19:42,966 --> 00:19:45,092
Yes, right.
229
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,428
So, "fuckstick."
That's it?
230
00:19:49,597 --> 00:19:50,597
Yeah.
231
00:19:56,312 --> 00:19:58,522
Merry Christmas!
Santa's coming.
232
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,494
Have you seen that new
Santa they just hired?
233
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,913
Yeah. He's back
there, drunk.
234
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,419
He's coming, guys.
235
00:20:20,503 --> 00:20:22,087
Santa will be here real soon.
236
00:20:28,052 --> 00:20:29,386
God damn it!
237
00:20:29,470 --> 00:20:30,470
What the fuck you doing?
238
00:20:30,555 --> 00:20:32,514
You blow this and we're
broke for the whole year.
239
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,080
So stop acting like you know something,
240
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,851
because, pal of mine, you don't know squat!
241
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:37,769
Now put on your hat and get out there.
242
00:20:37,854 --> 00:20:40,897
And try to act professional,
for Christ's sake!
243
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:49,072
What do
you want? What?
244
00:20:50,033 --> 00:20:52,701
Get out of here. Next!
245
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,415
Oh, good.
What do you want?
246
00:21:00,251 --> 00:21:01,293
What do you want?
247
00:21:01,377 --> 00:21:03,170
What are you doing?
248
00:21:04,005 --> 00:21:05,380
God damn it!
249
00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:07,049
Nintendo Deer Hunter lll.
250
00:21:07,383 --> 00:21:09,384
I don't give a shit what you want.
251
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:12,137
Blowing snot all over
everybody and fucking whatever.
252
00:21:12,221 --> 00:21:13,764
Next. Come on.
253
00:21:16,351 --> 00:21:17,643
What do you want?
254
00:21:17,727 --> 00:21:18,810
Um, Santa?
255
00:21:18,936 --> 00:21:20,020
Yeah, I'm Santa.
256
00:21:20,104 --> 00:21:21,146
Come on, what do you want?
257
00:21:21,272 --> 00:21:22,314
Um, Barbie.
258
00:21:22,398 --> 00:21:23,649
Say cheese.
259
00:21:23,733 --> 00:21:26,068
Okay, fine, Barbie.
Thank you.
260
00:21:26,235 --> 00:21:29,780
Ow! Watch the toenails,
kid! Shit. Next.
261
00:21:36,162 --> 00:21:37,454
What do you want?
262
00:21:37,538 --> 00:21:38,997
A Fraggle-Stick car.
263
00:21:40,416 --> 00:21:41,667
What the fuck is that?
264
00:21:41,751 --> 00:21:43,043
Fraggle-Stick car.
265
00:21:43,252 --> 00:21:46,046
I heard you.
A Fraggle-Stick car, fine.
266
00:22:01,312 --> 00:22:03,105
Check out this loser.
267
00:22:03,773 --> 00:22:06,233
Hey, fat-ass, how you doing today?
268
00:22:08,444 --> 00:22:12,864
Hey, loser.
Hey, dipshit. Moron.
269
00:22:14,033 --> 00:22:16,410
Hey, loser, how you doing today?
270
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,621
Dumbass, why don't you turn around?
271
00:22:22,625 --> 00:22:24,710
You know what?
Fuck this.
272
00:22:29,882 --> 00:22:31,049
You're next.
273
00:22:31,634 --> 00:22:32,801
Next.
274
00:22:33,469 --> 00:22:34,970
I said "next," God damn it.
275
00:22:35,054 --> 00:22:36,638
This is not the DMV, all right?
276
00:22:36,889 --> 00:22:38,432
Move it along.
277
00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:43,270
What's your name?
You can tell me.
278
00:22:45,064 --> 00:22:47,315
I know. How about Santa?
279
00:22:47,650 --> 00:22:50,777
If you don't tell him,
you won't get a present.
280
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:52,320
That's right.
281
00:22:52,405 --> 00:22:54,072
Come on and tell Santa all about it.
282
00:22:59,078 --> 00:23:00,787
What do you want?
283
00:23:02,081 --> 00:23:03,498
Well, come on, what do you want?
284
00:23:03,666 --> 00:23:05,125
A snot rag?
285
00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:10,922
Great. Another
fucking mongoloid.
286
00:23:11,007 --> 00:23:14,760
Marcus, get this kid off me
before he pisses on me, all right?
287
00:23:14,844 --> 00:23:16,052
Don't fuck with my beard.
288
00:23:16,179 --> 00:23:17,429
It's not real.
289
00:23:17,513 --> 00:23:18,805
No shit.
290
00:23:19,307 --> 00:23:22,434
Well, it was real, but I got
sick and all the hair fell out,
291
00:23:22,518 --> 00:23:23,998
so I have to wear this fucking thing.
292
00:23:24,020 --> 00:23:25,854
How did you get sick?
293
00:23:26,439 --> 00:23:28,273
I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
294
00:23:28,357 --> 00:23:29,441
Mrs. Santa?
295
00:23:29,525 --> 00:23:30,901
No, it was her sister.
296
00:23:30,985 --> 00:23:32,611
What's it like at the North Pole?
297
00:23:32,987 --> 00:23:34,279
Like the suburbs.
298
00:23:34,363 --> 00:23:35,530
Which one?
299
00:23:36,699 --> 00:23:38,366
Apache Junction.
300
00:23:38,451 --> 00:23:39,826
What the fuck do you care?
301
00:23:39,911 --> 00:23:41,036
Now get off my lap.
302
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:43,246
You just sit there like a fucking retard.
303
00:23:43,331 --> 00:23:44,998
You are really Santa, right?
304
00:23:45,082 --> 00:23:46,458
No, I'm an accountant.
305
00:23:46,542 --> 00:23:50,045
I wear this fucking thing as
a fashion statement, all right?
306
00:23:50,129 --> 00:23:51,213
Okay.
307
00:23:51,923 --> 00:23:53,196
Marcus, get this kid out of here.
308
00:23:53,216 --> 00:23:54,257
He's freaking me out.
309
00:24:00,348 --> 00:24:03,433
I got to get a drink.
I'll see you tomorrow.
310
00:24:03,726 --> 00:24:06,311
Just don't come in to work
stinking of booze again.
311
00:24:06,395 --> 00:24:07,938
Why don't you get going?
312
00:24:08,022 --> 00:24:10,982
You'll be late for your
Wizard of Oz Candy Bar Guild.
313
00:24:11,067 --> 00:24:12,859
Lollipop Guild, you asshole.
314
00:24:12,944 --> 00:24:15,654
Jeez, a 2-year-old could
flip me shit better than you.
315
00:24:15,738 --> 00:24:17,155
You saying something to me?
316
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,450
Yeah. I'm gonna stick my
whole fist up your ass.
317
00:24:29,085 --> 00:24:31,002
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
318
00:24:31,587 --> 00:24:33,547
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
319
00:24:33,673 --> 00:24:35,715
♪ Oh, what fun ♪
♪ it is to ride ♪
320
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,759
♪ In a one horse open sleigh ♪
321
00:24:38,177 --> 00:24:40,303
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
322
00:24:40,388 --> 00:24:42,347
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
323
00:24:42,431 --> 00:24:44,683
♪ Oh, what fun ♪
♪ it is to ride ♪
324
00:24:44,767 --> 00:24:46,768
♪ In a one horse open sleigh ♪
325
00:24:47,311 --> 00:24:48,895
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
326
00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:51,523
♪ In a one horse open sleigh ♪
327
00:24:51,607 --> 00:24:53,567
♪ Over the fields we go ♪
328
00:24:53,651 --> 00:24:56,111
♪ Laughing all the way ♪
329
00:24:56,195 --> 00:24:58,780
♪ Bells on bob tails ring ♪
330
00:24:58,865 --> 00:25:00,031
What?
331
00:25:00,116 --> 00:25:02,617
♪ What fun it is ♪
♪ to laugh and sing ♪
332
00:25:02,702 --> 00:25:05,036
♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪
333
00:25:05,121 --> 00:25:07,372
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
334
00:25:07,456 --> 00:25:08,790
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
335
00:25:08,875 --> 00:25:11,626
Another round Grand Dad, Santa?
336
00:25:12,003 --> 00:25:13,044
Yeah.
337
00:25:13,129 --> 00:25:14,129
Yeah?
338
00:25:14,213 --> 00:25:16,131
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
339
00:25:16,299 --> 00:25:18,008
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
340
00:25:18,384 --> 00:25:20,135
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
341
00:25:20,219 --> 00:25:21,678
Got a name?
342
00:25:27,685 --> 00:25:31,563
So what do you do, you know,
after the holidays, I mean?
343
00:25:31,898 --> 00:25:35,150
Nothing till March, and
then I'm the Easter Bunny.
344
00:25:39,655 --> 00:25:40,655
Another?
345
00:25:40,781 --> 00:25:41,781
Why not?
346
00:25:45,953 --> 00:25:47,621
Merry Christmas.
347
00:25:51,417 --> 00:25:53,418
You're not a big talker.
348
00:25:53,502 --> 00:25:55,128
No, not really.
349
00:25:57,924 --> 00:25:59,841
Buy you one?
Why not?
350
00:26:00,134 --> 00:26:01,843
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
351
00:26:01,928 --> 00:26:03,803
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
352
00:26:03,888 --> 00:26:05,555
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
353
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,182
Happy New Year.
354
00:26:08,392 --> 00:26:10,101
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
355
00:26:10,186 --> 00:26:12,854
You're pretty regular for a Santa.
356
00:26:12,939 --> 00:26:14,272
It's not that big a fucking deal.
357
00:26:14,357 --> 00:26:16,232
It's just a job, you know what I mean?
358
00:26:16,943 --> 00:26:20,362
I'm an eating, drinking,
shitting, fucking Santa Claus.
359
00:26:22,740 --> 00:26:24,074
Prove it.
360
00:26:24,158 --> 00:26:26,534
♪ Laughing all the way ♪
361
00:26:26,911 --> 00:26:29,412
Fuck me, Santa.
362
00:26:32,833 --> 00:26:34,398
Can I at least take this hat off?
363
00:26:34,418 --> 00:26:35,460
No!
364
00:26:35,544 --> 00:26:37,420
I love the hat!
365
00:26:37,505 --> 00:26:38,755
Oh, okay.
366
00:26:45,554 --> 00:26:49,057
I've always had a thing for Santa Claus.
367
00:26:49,809 --> 00:26:51,476
In case you didn't notice.
368
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,562
It's like some deep-seated childhood thing.
369
00:26:54,730 --> 00:26:56,564
So is my thing for tits.
370
00:26:56,649 --> 00:26:59,150
Yeah. It is like that,
though, you know.
371
00:26:59,235 --> 00:27:00,443
From when you're a kid.
372
00:27:00,528 --> 00:27:02,696
'Cause my dad was Jewish
and we didn't have Christmas,
373
00:27:02,780 --> 00:27:07,158
so it was like this forbidden thing.
374
00:27:14,792 --> 00:27:16,251
I like you.
375
00:27:18,170 --> 00:27:20,213
Don't mothball that suit.
376
00:27:27,013 --> 00:27:28,471
What the fuck?
377
00:27:28,597 --> 00:27:30,098
I am not gay.
378
00:27:31,267 --> 00:27:32,267
What the hell, buddy?
379
00:27:32,309 --> 00:27:34,978
Buddy? I said
I am not gay.
380
00:27:35,062 --> 00:27:37,897
Are you off your fucking meds or something?
381
00:27:38,274 --> 00:27:41,735
Yes. But that isn't
what this is about.
382
00:27:42,528 --> 00:27:44,320
You're as queer as a $10 bill.
383
00:27:44,405 --> 00:27:46,448
Let me tell you something, motherfucker.
384
00:27:46,866 --> 00:27:50,368
My brother lost a goddamn arm
fighting you fuckers in Vietnam.
385
00:27:50,453 --> 00:27:51,745
So I want you to look at me.
386
00:27:51,829 --> 00:27:53,705
Look at my face one last fucking time.
387
00:27:53,789 --> 00:27:55,521
This is the last thing
you're gonna see before...
388
00:27:55,541 --> 00:27:59,627
Stop, elf-fucker!
Turn around, elf-fucker!
389
00:27:59,712 --> 00:28:01,546
Who's the bitch now, Santa Claus?
390
00:28:02,339 --> 00:28:03,757
Faggy Claus!
391
00:28:03,841 --> 00:28:05,383
Leave Santa alone!
392
00:28:05,468 --> 00:28:07,177
Little boy, don't interfere.
393
00:28:07,470 --> 00:28:08,720
I'm doing this for all of us.
394
00:28:08,804 --> 00:28:10,472
Leave Santa alone!
395
00:28:10,556 --> 00:28:12,057
Good God!
396
00:28:15,019 --> 00:28:16,394
Ass clown!
397
00:28:24,361 --> 00:28:26,112
You're that kid.
398
00:28:27,990 --> 00:28:29,616
What the fuck are you doing here?
399
00:28:42,838 --> 00:28:45,256
This one fucking time
I take you home, okay?
400
00:28:45,341 --> 00:28:46,341
Uh-huh.
401
00:28:46,383 --> 00:28:47,967
I'm not your fucking dada.
402
00:28:48,052 --> 00:28:49,052
Uh-huh.
403
00:28:51,097 --> 00:28:53,932
It's not like you helped me back
there with that nut job, you know?
404
00:28:54,016 --> 00:28:55,058
Uh-huh.
405
00:28:55,142 --> 00:28:58,520
But you're the right height, you're
right there to grab his balls.
406
00:28:58,646 --> 00:28:59,687
You could twist them...
407
00:28:59,772 --> 00:29:00,772
Why do you need a car?
408
00:29:00,856 --> 00:29:01,879
What the fuck you talking about?
409
00:29:01,899 --> 00:29:03,399
This car.
410
00:29:04,026 --> 00:29:05,026
Which turn is it?
411
00:29:05,111 --> 00:29:07,195
Sage Terrace.
Where's your sleigh?
412
00:29:07,279 --> 00:29:09,280
It's in the shop, getting repaired.
413
00:29:09,365 --> 00:29:10,532
Where are the reindeer?
414
00:29:10,616 --> 00:29:13,201
I stabled them.
Is it left or right?
415
00:29:13,285 --> 00:29:15,620
That way.
Where's the stable?
416
00:29:16,038 --> 00:29:17,163
Next to the shop.
417
00:29:17,289 --> 00:29:18,373
How do they sleep?
418
00:29:18,457 --> 00:29:20,333
Who? The reindeer?
Standing up.
419
00:29:20,417 --> 00:29:21,960
But the noise, how do they sleep?
420
00:29:22,044 --> 00:29:24,212
What noise?
From the shop.
421
00:29:24,839 --> 00:29:27,465
They only work during the day, all right?
422
00:29:27,550 --> 00:29:29,365
I thought it was always
night at the North Pole.
423
00:29:29,385 --> 00:29:31,427
Not now. Right now
it's always day.
424
00:29:31,512 --> 00:29:32,512
Then how do they sleep?
425
00:29:32,596 --> 00:29:34,055
Oh, shit, Sage Terrace.
426
00:29:34,974 --> 00:29:36,141
What is it with you, anyway?
427
00:29:36,225 --> 00:29:37,934
Somebody drop you on your fucking head?
428
00:29:38,561 --> 00:29:39,853
On my head?
429
00:29:39,937 --> 00:29:42,522
Yeah. Are they gonna drop
you on somebody else's head?
430
00:29:42,606 --> 00:29:44,126
How can they drop me onto my own head?
431
00:29:44,150 --> 00:29:46,234
No, not onto your own...
432
00:29:46,902 --> 00:29:49,529
God damn it!
Are you fucking with me?
433
00:29:53,909 --> 00:29:55,785
Okay, which house is it?
434
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:57,412
That one.
435
00:29:57,830 --> 00:29:59,289
With Jesus and his family there?
436
00:29:59,415 --> 00:30:00,832
No, the one beside that.
437
00:30:00,916 --> 00:30:02,000
Right here?
438
00:30:02,084 --> 00:30:03,084
Yeah, that one.
439
00:30:12,595 --> 00:30:14,095
Nice digs.
440
00:30:15,973 --> 00:30:17,307
Is Daddy home?
441
00:30:17,391 --> 00:30:19,071
He's on an adventure, exploring mountains.
442
00:30:19,185 --> 00:30:20,852
He's been gone a long time.
443
00:30:20,936 --> 00:30:22,562
Exploring mountains, huh?
444
00:30:22,688 --> 00:30:24,314
How long is he gonna be gone?
445
00:30:24,648 --> 00:30:25,773
Till next year.
446
00:30:25,941 --> 00:30:27,066
Yeah? What about Mommy?
447
00:30:27,151 --> 00:30:30,278
She lives in God's house, with
Jesus and Mary and the Ghost,
448
00:30:30,362 --> 00:30:34,032
the long-eared donkey, and
Joseph and the talking walnut.
449
00:30:34,700 --> 00:30:36,367
Who the fuck takes care of you then?
450
00:30:36,452 --> 00:30:37,452
Grandma.
451
00:30:37,494 --> 00:30:39,120
Yeah? What's her name?
452
00:30:39,205 --> 00:30:40,496
Grandma.
453
00:30:41,332 --> 00:30:42,707
Is Granny spry?
454
00:30:52,384 --> 00:30:53,676
Grandma?
455
00:30:55,804 --> 00:30:57,305
Santa's here.
456
00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,475
Oh, Roger, you're home.
457
00:31:01,018 --> 00:31:02,477
Are you spry?
458
00:31:03,229 --> 00:31:05,563
Let me fix you some sandwiches.
459
00:31:13,948 --> 00:31:17,242
Are you telling me that
she's the only one here?
460
00:31:17,326 --> 00:31:18,826
Nobody else?
461
00:31:18,911 --> 00:31:21,996
No aunts or cousins or
uncles or anything like that?
462
00:31:22,081 --> 00:31:23,681
A butler or security guard or something?
463
00:31:24,041 --> 00:31:25,541
No.
464
00:31:26,585 --> 00:31:28,336
You're shitting me.
465
00:31:30,673 --> 00:31:32,507
Does your daddy have a safe?
466
00:31:38,722 --> 00:31:40,202
Do you need money to fix your sleigh?
467
00:31:40,349 --> 00:31:41,849
Exactly.
468
00:31:47,690 --> 00:31:49,232
Do you want milk and cookies?
469
00:31:49,316 --> 00:31:50,400
No.
470
00:31:50,484 --> 00:31:51,943
Should I fix you some sandwiches?
471
00:31:52,027 --> 00:31:53,027
Uh-uh.
472
00:31:53,362 --> 00:31:54,696
Does your daddy have a car?
473
00:31:59,702 --> 00:32:01,452
Bye, Santa!
474
00:32:18,095 --> 00:32:19,637
- Oh, Mary!
- Go on.
475
00:32:19,722 --> 00:32:20,930
Jesus!
476
00:32:26,854 --> 00:32:28,187
Oh, Sainted.
477
00:32:28,772 --> 00:32:30,732
- Mary!
- Keep going.
478
00:32:30,816 --> 00:32:32,275
Jesus Christ!
479
00:32:32,735 --> 00:32:34,444
Yeah, baby!
480
00:32:34,570 --> 00:32:36,321
You ain't gonna shit right for a week!
481
00:32:45,456 --> 00:32:47,623
It won't happen again,
I can promise you that.
482
00:32:47,708 --> 00:32:50,418
Willie has low blood sugar, that's all.
483
00:32:51,086 --> 00:32:53,921
That's right, I forgot to take my pill.
484
00:32:54,006 --> 00:32:56,215
It's not just the swearing.
485
00:32:59,094 --> 00:33:03,806
Forgive me for prying,
but did one of you...
486
00:33:05,017 --> 00:33:06,017
Fornicate?
487
00:33:06,101 --> 00:33:07,101
Fornicate?
488
00:33:07,144 --> 00:33:10,730
Yes, with a heavyset woman in
the Big and Tall dressing room?
489
00:33:10,814 --> 00:33:14,275
I've boned a lot of fat
chicks in my time, sure,
490
00:33:14,651 --> 00:33:18,363
but as far as I can recall,
I've never fornicated anybody.
491
00:33:18,697 --> 00:33:22,575
Even still, I think it's best for
all parties considered if we...
492
00:33:22,659 --> 00:33:24,077
If we what?
493
00:33:25,245 --> 00:33:28,289
I have someone else
interested in the position.
494
00:33:29,416 --> 00:33:30,666
Before you do something stupid,
495
00:33:30,751 --> 00:33:32,293
you may want to think about this shit.
496
00:33:32,753 --> 00:33:33,878
What are you talking about?
497
00:33:33,962 --> 00:33:36,339
I'm talking about firing
a little black midget.
498
00:33:36,423 --> 00:33:38,883
A coloured, African-American small person,
499
00:33:38,967 --> 00:33:40,385
that's what I'm talking about.
500
00:33:40,469 --> 00:33:42,117
I'm talking about your
face all over goddamn
501
00:33:42,137 --> 00:33:44,138
USA Today, is what I'm talking about.
502
00:33:44,598 --> 00:33:46,432
I'm talking about 150 of these little
503
00:33:46,517 --> 00:33:48,768
motherfuckers all over the sidewalk.
504
00:33:49,228 --> 00:33:52,271
Little picket signs, chanting
and raving, using little bullhorns
505
00:33:52,356 --> 00:33:53,606
and shit like that.
506
00:33:53,690 --> 00:33:55,525
Screaming and hollering your name out.
507
00:33:56,193 --> 00:33:58,444
"Unfair practices."
You get me?
508
00:33:58,529 --> 00:34:01,322
No. This is not
a handicapped thing.
509
00:34:01,407 --> 00:34:03,866
I have nothing against you people.
510
00:34:04,743 --> 00:34:06,077
"You people"?
511
00:34:06,161 --> 00:34:08,788
Did you hear that, Marcus?
He said "you people."
512
00:34:08,872 --> 00:34:10,373
Who the hell is us people?
513
00:34:10,457 --> 00:34:12,708
Wait, no. You don't...
514
00:34:13,335 --> 00:34:15,336
What? No.
515
00:34:17,923 --> 00:34:22,343
You know, I think it's best if we
just forget we had this conversation.
516
00:34:23,595 --> 00:34:26,431
Okay. Good thinking.
517
00:34:26,765 --> 00:34:29,350
And don't worry about us, we'll be fine.
518
00:34:29,435 --> 00:34:32,145
Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus.
519
00:34:36,942 --> 00:34:38,693
You're pathetic.
520
00:34:49,329 --> 00:34:51,061
I dig that little
thing in your bellybutton.
521
00:34:51,081 --> 00:34:52,707
What is that, like a diamond?
522
00:34:52,791 --> 00:34:54,208
It's a bellybutton ring.
523
00:34:54,293 --> 00:34:56,627
Hang on a second.
Check this out.
524
00:34:56,962 --> 00:34:59,464
You gotta thrust, you know what I'm saying?
525
00:35:00,883 --> 00:35:04,427
You got to move the ball
around, know what I'm saying?
526
00:35:04,803 --> 00:35:07,054
See? Move the ball.
527
00:35:08,390 --> 00:35:10,141
Motherfucker.
528
00:35:10,350 --> 00:35:13,644
You lousy fucking motherfucker.
529
00:35:16,857 --> 00:35:18,983
That kind of shit's gonna get us pinched!
530
00:35:19,067 --> 00:35:20,234
She said she was 18.
531
00:35:20,319 --> 00:35:21,736
But you promised no arcades.
532
00:35:21,820 --> 00:35:23,446
You said you'd only hustle Big and Tall.
533
00:35:23,780 --> 00:35:24,970
What, you shat me out of your womb?
534
00:35:24,990 --> 00:35:26,324
You're fucking my mom now?
535
00:35:26,408 --> 00:35:28,242
I don't need any goddamn
lectures out of you.
536
00:35:28,327 --> 00:35:30,745
I know how to keep
a low profile, thank you.
537
00:35:31,914 --> 00:35:34,499
What the fuck is this,
Mr. Low Profile?
538
00:35:34,583 --> 00:35:36,918
Mind your own goddamn business.
539
00:35:44,343 --> 00:35:46,761
Ever hear of the open bottle law?
540
00:35:49,181 --> 00:35:52,808
A couple of days ago, I
was in Women's Big and Tall,
541
00:35:53,936 --> 00:35:56,020
and I heard these,
542
00:35:57,940 --> 00:36:00,233
you know, these noises,
543
00:36:00,317 --> 00:36:04,403
and I heard a woman
screaming, "Yeah! Oh, yeah!"
544
00:36:04,905 --> 00:36:06,989
And I heard his voice saying,
545
00:36:07,074 --> 00:36:10,034
"That's right.
You ain't going to...
546
00:36:11,078 --> 00:36:14,288
"S-H-I-T right
for a month."
547
00:36:15,791 --> 00:36:17,959
Now, don't get me wrong.
548
00:36:18,460 --> 00:36:20,169
I was against the Clinton impeachment.
549
00:36:20,295 --> 00:36:22,046
What a man does with his own penis...
550
00:36:22,130 --> 00:36:24,757
Oval Office, Women's Big and Tall...
551
00:36:24,841 --> 00:36:27,051
...is not for the
American people to say.
552
00:36:27,135 --> 00:36:28,177
Yeah, right.
553
00:36:28,262 --> 00:36:29,262
But when
554
00:36:29,972 --> 00:36:32,390
you're dealing with children,
555
00:36:34,935 --> 00:36:37,353
they have a tender sensibility,
556
00:36:37,437 --> 00:36:41,023
and you are in a position
of trust, I think perhaps
557
00:36:41,650 --> 00:36:46,571
someone who has screaming orgasms
with large women shouldn't...
558
00:36:50,659 --> 00:36:52,285
Of course, I can't fire him for that.
559
00:36:52,369 --> 00:36:54,328
Yeah. Unfair practices.
560
00:36:54,746 --> 00:36:56,914
Special pleading.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.
561
00:36:56,999 --> 00:36:58,416
Fucking broads.
562
00:36:58,500 --> 00:37:01,627
I just can't help it, there's
something about the guy
563
00:37:01,753 --> 00:37:03,045
that makes me uneasy.
564
00:37:03,171 --> 00:37:04,463
Well, sure.
565
00:37:04,548 --> 00:37:07,341
Santa fucking someone in the ass...
566
00:37:09,386 --> 00:37:13,806
So, maybe there's something
I could fire him for.
567
00:37:15,100 --> 00:37:16,559
Yeah, I get you.
568
00:37:16,643 --> 00:37:17,685
Do you?
569
00:37:18,353 --> 00:37:20,354
Do you think you could find something?
570
00:37:20,439 --> 00:37:22,732
Shit, yeah.
Always something.
571
00:37:48,008 --> 00:37:49,175
Shit.
572
00:37:50,636 --> 00:37:51,802
Opal!
573
00:37:52,304 --> 00:37:54,096
Come here!
Uh-uh.
574
00:37:54,222 --> 00:37:56,015
Screw you, Willie, and your kinky ass.
575
00:37:56,099 --> 00:37:57,975
Last time, I didn't shit right for a week.
576
00:37:58,060 --> 00:37:59,060
No, it's not that.
577
00:37:59,102 --> 00:38:00,895
Just come here, I need to talk to you.
578
00:38:02,272 --> 00:38:04,315
I'm tired of you, Willie.
579
00:38:05,233 --> 00:38:06,233
Ooh.
580
00:38:08,779 --> 00:38:10,404
Who the fuck is in my room?
581
00:38:10,530 --> 00:38:12,156
Did you see somebody go in my room?
582
00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:13,824
Yeah. Some guy
asking about you.
583
00:38:13,950 --> 00:38:15,534
Looked like a cop.
584
00:38:15,619 --> 00:38:16,911
Shit.
585
00:38:18,413 --> 00:38:21,707
Marcus, it's Willie. Listen,
I just got back to the motel
586
00:38:21,792 --> 00:38:24,126
and some guy's in there
nosing around in my room.
587
00:38:24,211 --> 00:38:25,836
What guy? You get
a look at him?
588
00:38:25,962 --> 00:38:27,362
No, but I think he's a cop, though.
589
00:38:27,673 --> 00:38:28,923
Think somebody's onto us?
590
00:38:29,007 --> 00:38:30,727
Is there anything professional in the room?
591
00:38:31,259 --> 00:38:32,677
No, I just got clothes in there.
592
00:38:32,761 --> 00:38:34,095
Just ditch, you idiot.
593
00:38:34,179 --> 00:38:35,819
You got anywhere to sack out for a while?
594
00:38:37,432 --> 00:38:38,891
Santa!
Yeah.
595
00:38:38,975 --> 00:38:40,559
You're bringing my present early?
596
00:38:40,686 --> 00:38:41,936
No.
597
00:38:43,105 --> 00:38:45,022
But I never told you what I wanted.
598
00:38:45,107 --> 00:38:47,274
I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.
599
00:38:47,859 --> 00:38:50,528
Okay, good. I want
a stuffed elephant.
600
00:38:50,612 --> 00:38:52,530
A pink one.
601
00:38:52,614 --> 00:38:57,284
Wish in one hand and shit in the other
one, see which one fills up first.
602
00:38:57,369 --> 00:38:58,619
Okay.
603
00:38:59,037 --> 00:39:01,080
I'm gonna be staying here for a while.
604
00:39:01,206 --> 00:39:03,207
Things are all fucked up at the North Pole.
605
00:39:03,291 --> 00:39:06,460
See, Mrs. Santa caught
me fucking her sister
606
00:39:06,545 --> 00:39:08,254
and I'm out on my ass now.
607
00:39:08,338 --> 00:39:10,047
She got half of everything.
608
00:39:10,298 --> 00:39:11,924
Yeah, this is going to be cool.
609
00:39:12,050 --> 00:39:13,676
This will do fine.
610
00:39:20,475 --> 00:39:22,101
I'm going to be crashing here.
611
00:39:22,185 --> 00:39:25,563
It'll be just you and me,
like roommates, you know?
612
00:39:25,647 --> 00:39:27,732
Do you and
Mrs. Santa have kids?
613
00:39:27,816 --> 00:39:29,483
No, thank the fuck Christ.
614
00:39:29,568 --> 00:39:31,152
What about the elves?
615
00:39:31,987 --> 00:39:34,071
Well, they stay
with Mrs. Santa.
616
00:39:35,073 --> 00:39:36,866
I get them on the weekends.
617
00:39:36,992 --> 00:39:38,826
Why don't you go run me a bath?
618
00:39:42,998 --> 00:39:44,415
What about the reindeer?
619
00:39:44,499 --> 00:39:46,834
Would you please shut up about reindeer?
620
00:39:48,503 --> 00:39:50,254
What are their names?
621
00:39:50,338 --> 00:39:52,256
Who?
The elves.
622
00:39:52,340 --> 00:39:55,259
Shit, I can't remember. I
think one of them is Sneezy,
623
00:39:55,343 --> 00:39:56,383
and there's a Dopey and...
624
00:39:56,428 --> 00:39:57,803
That's the Seven Dwarfs.
625
00:39:58,263 --> 00:40:02,391
Are you shitting me?
I was thinking it was...
626
00:40:03,185 --> 00:40:06,437
I don't know. Fuck, kid, I just
call them, you know, "bub."
627
00:40:06,521 --> 00:40:08,439
I say, "bub" or "chief," whatever.
628
00:40:08,523 --> 00:40:10,357
I tell them to make the goddamn toys.
629
00:40:10,442 --> 00:40:12,693
What the fuck is wrong with you?
630
00:40:12,778 --> 00:40:14,445
I can't remember this shit!
631
00:40:14,529 --> 00:40:17,239
Does everything with you
have to be a fucking test?
632
00:40:20,202 --> 00:40:21,869
How old are they?
633
00:40:27,209 --> 00:40:28,626
You want cookies?
634
00:40:29,461 --> 00:40:30,503
No.
635
00:40:30,587 --> 00:40:32,463
Warm milk?
No.
636
00:40:32,756 --> 00:40:34,507
Should I fix you some sandwiches?
637
00:40:34,633 --> 00:40:36,383
I don't want any fucking sandwiches.
638
00:40:36,468 --> 00:40:38,969
What is it with you and
fixing fucking sandwiches?
639
00:40:39,054 --> 00:40:41,305
Okay. Do you want
anything else?
640
00:40:41,389 --> 00:40:42,598
No.
641
00:40:44,935 --> 00:40:46,060
Okay.
642
00:40:55,153 --> 00:40:56,570
Santa?
643
00:41:02,077 --> 00:41:03,160
What?
644
00:41:03,245 --> 00:41:04,745
I brought you some orange juice.
645
00:41:08,917 --> 00:41:09,959
What's in it?
646
00:41:10,085 --> 00:41:11,126
Oranges.
647
00:41:14,506 --> 00:41:16,257
Look what I have.
648
00:41:16,508 --> 00:41:18,300
An Advent calendar.
649
00:41:18,510 --> 00:41:19,802
What the hell is that?
650
00:41:19,886 --> 00:41:23,097
It's the story of Christmas,
but in a calendar.
651
00:41:23,515 --> 00:41:27,184
Every day you peel open a new
box, you get part of the story,
652
00:41:27,269 --> 00:41:29,270
and then there's a chocolate inside.
653
00:41:29,354 --> 00:41:31,772
Do you want to open up
today's box and read it?
654
00:41:33,108 --> 00:41:34,775
No, you go ahead.
655
00:41:36,778 --> 00:41:39,572
Jesus Christ, kid, watch the nuts!
656
00:41:47,873 --> 00:41:51,584
"So, Joseph went out from the
town of Nazareth, in Galilee,
657
00:41:51,668 --> 00:41:54,587
"to Judea, to Bethlehem, the town of David.
658
00:41:54,671 --> 00:41:57,590
"In those days, Caesar
Augustus issued a decree
659
00:41:57,674 --> 00:42:00,676
"that a census should be taken
of the entire Roman world.
660
00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:03,846
"Everyone went to his
hometown to register."
661
00:42:07,225 --> 00:42:08,642
That it?
Yup.
662
00:42:08,727 --> 00:42:10,978
That's an awesome fucking story, kid.
663
00:42:11,062 --> 00:42:14,231
There's more to it, but we
have to wait till tomorrow.
664
00:42:16,151 --> 00:42:18,485
Do you wanna eat the chocolate?
665
00:42:19,321 --> 00:42:20,821
You go ahead.
666
00:42:23,742 --> 00:42:25,743
Are you coming downstairs?
667
00:42:25,827 --> 00:42:28,829
I'll be down in a minute.
I gotta go to work.
668
00:42:39,883 --> 00:42:41,425
Fuck me, fuck you.
669
00:42:41,509 --> 00:42:43,427
You can't just take up with some kid.
670
00:42:43,511 --> 00:42:45,763
You don't know who's
around or what they do.
671
00:42:45,847 --> 00:42:48,015
You got some nerve, you little shit.
672
00:42:48,099 --> 00:42:49,391
What, you're my mom now?
673
00:42:49,517 --> 00:42:50,851
You shat me out of your womb?
674
00:42:50,936 --> 00:42:53,854
You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck.
675
00:42:54,689 --> 00:42:55,898
Shit.
676
00:42:57,442 --> 00:42:58,734
Fuck you.
677
00:43:07,661 --> 00:43:12,623
You are, by far, the dumbest, most
pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit
678
00:43:12,707 --> 00:43:15,918
that has ever slid from
a human being's hairy ass.
679
00:43:16,878 --> 00:43:19,838
What if the kid has one of
those play dates they have now?
680
00:43:19,923 --> 00:43:21,131
Are you shitting me?
681
00:43:21,216 --> 00:43:22,447
The kid don't have any friends.
682
00:43:22,467 --> 00:43:25,719
He don't even have an imaginary
friend, unless he ditched him.
683
00:43:25,804 --> 00:43:28,555
He lives with his drooling
ass old grandmother,
684
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,432
who sits in front of the TV all the time.
685
00:43:30,517 --> 00:43:32,059
Think she's gonna rat me out?
686
00:43:32,143 --> 00:43:34,895
She don't know her ass from last Tuesday.
687
00:43:35,730 --> 00:43:37,231
You fuck her?
688
00:43:38,775 --> 00:43:41,902
Jesus Christ, is everything
fucking sex with you?
689
00:43:41,987 --> 00:43:43,988
With me?
I fuck one person.
690
00:43:44,072 --> 00:43:46,699
I ain't serial fornicating,
trying to float my liver,
691
00:43:46,783 --> 00:43:51,078
drinking myself silly because I
can't stand what a piece of shit I am!
692
00:43:51,329 --> 00:43:53,497
What are you, Sigmund
sawed-off fucking Freud?
693
00:43:53,581 --> 00:43:55,290
Yeah, that's right, shit for brains.
694
00:43:55,417 --> 00:43:57,001
Go ahead, talk about my height.
695
00:43:57,085 --> 00:43:58,502
Make it about something safe,
696
00:43:58,712 --> 00:44:00,587
because you're an
emotional fucking cripple.
697
00:44:00,672 --> 00:44:02,840
Your soul is dog shit.
Every single
698
00:44:02,924 --> 00:44:05,009
fucking thing about you is ugly.
699
00:44:11,599 --> 00:44:14,309
Come on, Lois, let's get out of here.
700
00:44:23,987 --> 00:44:27,865
Look who's here, Jimmy.
It's Santa.
701
00:44:27,949 --> 00:44:29,199
Fucking great.
702
00:44:29,284 --> 00:44:31,535
Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.
703
00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:39,793
I'm on my fucking lunch break, okay?
704
00:44:41,463 --> 00:44:43,005
Are you insane?
705
00:44:43,298 --> 00:44:44,779
The management's gonna hear about this.
706
00:44:44,799 --> 00:44:46,675
You think that's a threat?
707
00:44:47,177 --> 00:44:50,220
If you think you can make my
fucking life any worse, go right ahead.
708
00:44:50,305 --> 00:44:52,639
Be my fucking guest.
Take a shot.
709
00:45:02,317 --> 00:45:07,029
♪ It's the most wonderful time ♪
♪ of the year ♪
710
00:45:08,823 --> 00:45:10,657
♪ With the kids ♪
♪ jingle belling ♪
711
00:45:10,742 --> 00:45:14,661
♪ And everyone telling you ♪
♪ be of good cheer ♪
712
00:45:15,205 --> 00:45:21,668
♪ It's the most wonderful time ♪
♪ of the year ♪
713
00:45:22,879 --> 00:45:24,671
Just looking.
714
00:45:32,680 --> 00:45:34,973
Find everything you're looking for?
715
00:45:35,058 --> 00:45:37,017
Yeah, thank you.
716
00:45:37,352 --> 00:45:39,686
Nothing I can help you with?
717
00:45:40,522 --> 00:45:44,525
No, I'm just looking at the
games because I have an XBox.
718
00:45:45,193 --> 00:45:47,361
What? Get your hand
out of my pants, man!
719
00:45:47,445 --> 00:45:50,656
If you're stealing from this
store, you're stealing from me.
720
00:45:50,740 --> 00:45:51,949
What is this?
721
00:45:52,033 --> 00:45:54,284
I was going to pay for it.
722
00:45:54,369 --> 00:45:55,536
Wrong answer.
723
00:45:55,620 --> 00:45:57,329
When I look at you, you know what I think?
724
00:45:57,413 --> 00:45:59,790
I think America has
a sad future ahead of it,
725
00:45:59,874 --> 00:46:02,751
and you're part of
this sorry-ass generation.
726
00:46:02,836 --> 00:46:04,711
What do you wanna be when you grow up?
727
00:46:04,796 --> 00:46:06,505
I don't know.
728
00:46:06,714 --> 00:46:08,465
This is MP3?
Yeah.
729
00:46:08,550 --> 00:46:10,050
Take it off.
730
00:46:10,260 --> 00:46:12,427
But my grandmother gave me this.
731
00:46:12,804 --> 00:46:13,804
Take it off!
732
00:46:13,888 --> 00:46:16,098
I don't care who gave
it to you. Take it off.
733
00:46:17,559 --> 00:46:19,434
I don't care if it chokes you to death.
734
00:46:19,519 --> 00:46:21,478
Now I want you to get
on out of here. Get!
735
00:46:21,563 --> 00:46:22,563
But can I have...
736
00:46:22,647 --> 00:46:24,273
Get! Happy Kwanza.
737
00:46:28,194 --> 00:46:30,195
And pull your damn pants up!
738
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:32,990
What's wrong with you kids these days?
739
00:46:33,658 --> 00:46:35,159
Gin?
Yeah.
740
00:46:35,243 --> 00:46:36,326
What do you need?
741
00:46:36,411 --> 00:46:37,891
I need you to run a plate for me.
742
00:46:37,954 --> 00:46:39,413
It's Arizona plates.
743
00:46:39,539 --> 00:46:40,956
Hold on, let me get a pen.
744
00:47:08,276 --> 00:47:09,443
Is that it?
745
00:47:20,580 --> 00:47:24,249
For Christ's sake, make a move
and stick with it, would you?
746
00:47:32,759 --> 00:47:34,259
King me.
747
00:47:36,221 --> 00:47:38,513
Son of a bitch!
748
00:47:38,598 --> 00:47:42,768
You lousy, cheating little shit!
749
00:47:44,938 --> 00:47:46,104
You're fucking with me!
750
00:47:46,231 --> 00:47:47,397
You did it on purpose.
751
00:47:47,482 --> 00:47:50,400
You sit there and play like
dead lice are falling off you,
752
00:47:50,485 --> 00:47:52,986
and suddenly you're like fucking
Seabiscuit all over the place.
753
00:47:53,112 --> 00:47:55,822
You're a smartass is what you are, kid.
754
00:47:56,658 --> 00:47:58,367
Wanna play again?
755
00:48:03,164 --> 00:48:04,665
Howdy. Herb Gunner.
756
00:48:04,791 --> 00:48:07,042
I live two streets over
on Burning Trail Road.
757
00:48:07,168 --> 00:48:09,127
I don't think we've met.
758
00:48:11,798 --> 00:48:13,048
I'm Uncle Willie.
759
00:48:13,132 --> 00:48:14,447
I'm organising all the decorations
760
00:48:14,467 --> 00:48:15,842
for the subdivision this year.
761
00:48:16,010 --> 00:48:17,094
You mind if I come in?
762
00:48:17,178 --> 00:48:18,178
Yeah.
763
00:48:18,429 --> 00:48:20,305
I mean, yeah, I mind.
764
00:48:20,890 --> 00:48:23,267
Okay. Will you
be participating
765
00:48:23,351 --> 00:48:25,519
in our luminarias programme this year?
766
00:48:28,314 --> 00:48:29,606
What the hell is a lunamaria?
767
00:48:29,691 --> 00:48:31,024
Luminarias.
768
00:48:31,192 --> 00:48:33,485
Small sacks filled with
about a pound of sand each.
769
00:48:33,569 --> 00:48:35,009
Then we insert a candle in the middle,
770
00:48:35,029 --> 00:48:36,780
we light it, and the bag glows.
771
00:48:37,198 --> 00:48:41,285
Then we line all the sidewalks
here, all around the neighbourhood.
772
00:48:42,036 --> 00:48:45,122
Well, you see, we don't celebrate
Christmas around here, so...
773
00:48:45,707 --> 00:48:48,750
We're Muslims.
774
00:48:49,043 --> 00:48:51,712
Look, this is my first year running this.
775
00:48:51,796 --> 00:48:53,630
I'd like it if there weren't gaps in it,
776
00:48:53,715 --> 00:48:56,300
so what if I come by Christmas
Eve and do it for you?
777
00:48:56,384 --> 00:48:58,593
You don't have to
do that. I'll do it.
778
00:48:58,678 --> 00:49:01,096
Me and the kid here, we'll do something.
779
00:49:01,180 --> 00:49:02,306
I got the supplies.
780
00:49:02,390 --> 00:49:03,538
I'll throw them in the garage.
781
00:49:03,558 --> 00:49:05,058
Perfect.
Awesome.
782
00:49:05,935 --> 00:49:07,811
I'm going in the garage, just so you know.
783
00:49:07,895 --> 00:49:11,231
You can make a delicious six-pound chicken,
784
00:49:11,399 --> 00:49:14,776
enough hot dogs and sausages
to feed a small army,
785
00:49:14,902 --> 00:49:18,405
not one, but two delicious
rotisserie chickens,
786
00:49:18,489 --> 00:49:20,407
a six-and-a-half-pound honey ham...
787
00:49:20,491 --> 00:49:21,742
Fuck me, Santa.
788
00:49:21,826 --> 00:49:23,599
...or
freshly-caught whole trout,
789
00:49:23,619 --> 00:49:26,413
a scrumptious six-and-a-half
pound standing rib roast,
790
00:49:26,497 --> 00:49:31,376
and everybody's favourite, baby back ribs.
791
00:49:44,682 --> 00:49:46,808
This is such a nice house.
792
00:49:47,977 --> 00:49:50,354
It needs a woman's touch, though.
793
00:49:50,438 --> 00:49:53,106
I just rent the fucking place, anyway.
794
00:49:56,277 --> 00:49:57,527
Yeah, I just rent stuff, too.
795
00:49:57,612 --> 00:49:59,029
Yeah?
Hmm.
796
00:49:59,113 --> 00:50:00,947
Here's your drink.
797
00:50:06,621 --> 00:50:08,705
How long are you gonna be here?
798
00:50:08,790 --> 00:50:10,207
On the couch?
799
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,627
No, in town.
800
00:50:15,797 --> 00:50:17,964
Just through the holidays.
801
00:50:18,508 --> 00:50:20,842
You know, and then move on.
802
00:50:20,968 --> 00:50:21,968
Mmm.
803
00:50:23,471 --> 00:50:25,180
So, do you like kids?
804
00:50:26,015 --> 00:50:27,349
Fuck, no!
805
00:50:28,017 --> 00:50:30,394
What do you think,
I'm some kind of pervert?
806
00:50:30,478 --> 00:50:33,230
I just mean because you're Santa Claus.
807
00:50:35,525 --> 00:50:37,484
I like kids.
I really like kids.
808
00:50:37,568 --> 00:50:39,486
You do?
I love kids.
809
00:50:39,821 --> 00:50:41,405
Oh, yeah, good.
810
00:50:42,990 --> 00:50:45,700
Yeah, they're something else, kids.
811
00:50:48,162 --> 00:50:50,247
Gotta tell you the truth.
812
00:50:51,666 --> 00:50:55,001
The fact of the matter is I'm not Santa.
813
00:50:58,423 --> 00:51:00,507
I like you anyway.
814
00:51:15,565 --> 00:51:17,983
So, you'll call me, right?
815
00:51:18,067 --> 00:51:20,110
Yeah, I'll call you.
816
00:51:20,528 --> 00:51:22,028
I'm gonna buy you some flowers,
817
00:51:22,113 --> 00:51:23,905
some of those really good expensive ones.
818
00:51:24,282 --> 00:51:25,615
Shut up.
819
00:51:29,412 --> 00:51:30,704
Bye.
820
00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:39,272
Roger, you're home.
821
00:52:39,357 --> 00:52:41,107
Let me fix you some sandwiches.
822
00:52:44,028 --> 00:52:45,946
What the fuck?
823
00:52:46,072 --> 00:52:47,989
Kid, what the fuck is wrong with you?
824
00:52:53,829 --> 00:52:56,373
Jesus Christ! Let me see it!
825
00:52:56,457 --> 00:52:58,083
What the hell happened to you?
826
00:52:58,167 --> 00:53:00,001
I cut my hand by mistake!
827
00:53:01,462 --> 00:53:03,421
Of course it was by mistake.
828
00:53:04,257 --> 00:53:05,715
Hold still.
829
00:53:07,301 --> 00:53:09,469
I'm just trying to help you!
830
00:53:09,804 --> 00:53:12,389
I forgot to say it's going
to sting a little bit.
831
00:53:12,473 --> 00:53:15,225
Shouldn't I wrap it in
a T-shirt or something?
832
00:53:15,309 --> 00:53:16,643
God damn it.
833
00:53:21,649 --> 00:53:22,899
Hey, kid?
834
00:53:25,653 --> 00:53:27,654
Kid, you okay up there?
835
00:53:28,281 --> 00:53:30,240
You need a Band-Aid or something?
836
00:53:39,709 --> 00:53:41,167
Oh, shit.
837
00:53:51,012 --> 00:53:52,345
You're late.
838
00:53:59,145 --> 00:54:01,354
Man, kids.
Let me tell you.
839
00:54:04,317 --> 00:54:06,151
They run you ragged.
840
00:54:17,705 --> 00:54:19,581
Good morning, team.
841
00:54:21,542 --> 00:54:23,585
It's not quite 8:00 yet.
842
00:54:24,712 --> 00:54:26,379
How close are we?
843
00:54:31,218 --> 00:54:33,678
Now it's 8:00.
Merry Christmas.
844
00:54:33,763 --> 00:54:35,305
Up your ass.
845
00:54:42,355 --> 00:54:43,688
God damn it!
846
00:54:43,773 --> 00:54:45,190
You tear your ball again?
847
00:54:45,274 --> 00:54:47,067
I don't think so.
848
00:54:47,401 --> 00:54:48,777
That's it.
849
00:55:05,920 --> 00:55:07,629
God damn it!
850
00:55:23,437 --> 00:55:24,979
Sweetheart, don't romance them.
851
00:55:25,064 --> 00:55:26,773
Go on and get in there, I can take it.
852
00:55:29,485 --> 00:55:30,527
Yeah?
853
00:55:30,611 --> 00:55:32,251
I got the info on that Arizona plate.
854
00:55:32,613 --> 00:55:34,447
All right, now you're talking.
855
00:55:34,615 --> 00:55:36,449
Hold on one minute.
856
00:55:36,784 --> 00:55:40,161
Baby, don't use that.
That's not the stuff.
857
00:55:40,329 --> 00:55:42,455
Use something with some gloss to it.
858
00:55:42,581 --> 00:55:44,791
Yeah, that Hard Candy, that's it there.
859
00:55:44,917 --> 00:55:47,794
Let me get some of that.
Yeah, that's it.
860
00:55:49,839 --> 00:55:50,922
Yeah, I'm back.
861
00:55:51,006 --> 00:55:52,090
The guy's Roger Merman.
862
00:55:52,174 --> 00:55:53,216
Guess where he is.
863
00:55:53,300 --> 00:55:54,300
Give it to me.
864
00:55:55,553 --> 00:55:57,303
Damn it, what's wrong with you, woman?
865
00:56:07,314 --> 00:56:08,398
Who are you?
866
00:56:08,482 --> 00:56:09,816
Your name Roger Merman?
867
00:56:10,067 --> 00:56:11,109
Yes, but...
868
00:56:11,193 --> 00:56:12,793
You doing three to six for embezzlement?
869
00:56:13,028 --> 00:56:17,365
Well, many accounting
questions are not cut and dried.
870
00:56:17,450 --> 00:56:19,826
Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace?
871
00:56:19,994 --> 00:56:23,455
Is it Grandma?
Is my son all right?
872
00:56:23,539 --> 00:56:26,499
They're fine. Do you
have any houseguests?
873
00:56:27,668 --> 00:56:29,169
Houseguests?
874
00:56:30,838 --> 00:56:33,506
Thank you for your
time. God bless.
875
00:56:34,008 --> 00:56:35,675
Who are you?
876
00:56:38,387 --> 00:56:39,888
Houseguests?
877
00:56:43,726 --> 00:56:46,227
Little trick I learned
up at the North Pole.
878
00:56:46,353 --> 00:56:49,105
If you fry baloney,
it tastes like a hot dog.
879
00:56:49,190 --> 00:56:51,357
I thought you didn't like sandwiches.
880
00:56:51,442 --> 00:56:53,276
This is not
a sandwich. A sandwich
881
00:56:53,360 --> 00:56:55,612
has two pieces of bread with junk on it.
882
00:56:57,573 --> 00:56:59,407
It's like a tostada.
883
00:56:59,700 --> 00:57:01,701
This is not a tostada.
884
00:57:02,036 --> 00:57:03,870
Here you go, Granny.
885
00:57:04,079 --> 00:57:05,914
A little salsa here.
886
00:57:08,083 --> 00:57:09,918
Now it's a tostada.
887
00:57:10,961 --> 00:57:12,670
Have you seen my Advent calendar?
888
00:57:12,755 --> 00:57:14,714
What the fuck is it with the calendar?
889
00:57:15,090 --> 00:57:16,197
Why are you so obsessed with that
890
00:57:16,217 --> 00:57:18,384
goddamn thing?
The story sucks anyway.
891
00:57:23,390 --> 00:57:24,580
I think I saw it out there in the hallway.
892
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:25,683
Really?
893
00:57:25,768 --> 00:57:27,268
I think so.
894
00:57:35,694 --> 00:57:38,238
It looks like someone messed
with my Advent calendar.
895
00:57:38,364 --> 00:57:41,074
What are you talking
about? Let me see.
896
00:57:42,117 --> 00:57:44,661
Nobody messed with it.
It looks fine.
897
00:57:59,260 --> 00:58:02,011
There's a Candy Corn in this one.
898
00:58:02,096 --> 00:58:04,931
Well, they can't all be winners, can they?
899
00:58:09,812 --> 00:58:11,980
Well, it's fucked.
900
00:58:15,943 --> 00:58:17,360
Fucked, frankly.
He's...
901
00:58:17,444 --> 00:58:18,653
Clean.
902
00:58:18,988 --> 00:58:20,780
As a fucking whistle.
Nothing?
903
00:58:20,906 --> 00:58:22,532
No. Nothing.
904
00:58:22,616 --> 00:58:24,200
I mean, shit.
Yeah.
905
00:58:24,451 --> 00:58:25,493
He curses.
Yeah?
906
00:58:25,578 --> 00:58:27,245
But never around children.
907
00:58:27,329 --> 00:58:28,872
No criminal record.
908
00:58:28,956 --> 00:58:30,665
No parking tickets, for Christ's sake.
909
00:58:30,749 --> 00:58:31,791
Nothing?
910
00:58:31,876 --> 00:58:32,959
No bad habits, even.
911
00:58:33,669 --> 00:58:36,963
Sex, yeah. But man
is a sexual being.
912
00:58:37,256 --> 00:58:39,173
Yeah.
Fucking Darwinian.
913
00:58:39,758 --> 00:58:41,676
- Can't do shit about that, Jack.
- No.
914
00:58:41,802 --> 00:58:43,428
Hell, I wouldn't want to.
915
00:58:46,849 --> 00:58:48,308
No, of course not.
916
00:58:48,392 --> 00:58:50,143
I'm not advocating celibacy.
917
00:58:50,477 --> 00:58:53,187
Hope not. It'd be the end
of the fucking human race.
918
00:58:53,314 --> 00:58:54,647
Yeah.
919
00:58:54,732 --> 00:58:55,982
He fucks large women.
920
00:58:57,359 --> 00:58:58,985
What can I say?
921
00:59:11,832 --> 00:59:13,875
Look, it's the retard again.
922
00:59:25,512 --> 00:59:26,596
Wedgie.
923
00:59:26,680 --> 00:59:27,680
Yeah!
924
00:59:30,851 --> 00:59:32,131
Well, what the hell do you want?
925
00:59:32,186 --> 00:59:33,227
Pokémon!
926
00:59:33,312 --> 00:59:34,520
Done.
927
00:59:39,151 --> 00:59:42,028
You probably shouldn't
be digging in your ass.
928
00:59:43,889 --> 00:59:45,498
Santa?
929
00:59:46,909 --> 00:59:48,368
Oh, jeez.
930
00:59:51,956 --> 00:59:53,539
Is that your underwear?
931
00:59:53,624 --> 00:59:54,624
Part of it.
932
00:59:54,708 --> 00:59:56,292
Where the hell is the rest of it?
933
00:59:56,377 --> 00:59:57,627
No, don't tell me.
934
00:59:57,711 --> 00:59:59,151
I don't wanna know.
What do you want?
935
00:59:59,171 --> 01:00:02,757
I was thinking I wanted a purple
stuffed elephant, not pink.
936
01:00:02,841 --> 01:00:04,300
But now I changed my mind.
937
01:00:04,385 --> 01:00:05,468
Yeah, what?
938
01:00:05,552 --> 01:00:07,303
I don't want an elephant at all.
939
01:00:07,388 --> 01:00:10,515
I want a gorilla named Davey for
beating up the skateboard kids
940
01:00:10,599 --> 01:00:11,849
who pull on my underwear.
941
01:00:11,934 --> 01:00:14,310
And he can take his orders
from the talking walnut,
942
01:00:14,395 --> 01:00:16,729
so it wouldn't be my bad thing.
943
01:00:21,694 --> 01:00:23,361
Jesus, kid, when I was your age,
944
01:00:23,445 --> 01:00:24,988
I didn't need no fucking gorilla,
945
01:00:25,072 --> 01:00:26,990
and I wasn't as big as one of your legs.
946
01:00:27,074 --> 01:00:28,658
Four kids beat me up once and I went
947
01:00:28,742 --> 01:00:30,368
crying to my dad.
Know what he did?
948
01:00:30,452 --> 01:00:31,494
He made it all better?
949
01:00:31,578 --> 01:00:34,330
No. He kicked my ass.
You know why?
950
01:00:34,415 --> 01:00:37,166
Because you went to the
bathroom on Mommy's dishes?
951
01:00:37,251 --> 01:00:40,128
What the fuck? No.
952
01:00:40,212 --> 01:00:42,839
He tried to teach you
not to cry and be a man?
953
01:00:42,923 --> 01:00:46,884
No. It's because he was a
mean, drunk son of a bitch.
954
01:00:46,969 --> 01:00:48,678
And when he wasn't busy busting my ass,
955
01:00:48,762 --> 01:00:50,888
he was putting cigarettes out on my neck.
956
01:00:50,973 --> 01:00:52,640
The world ain't fair.
You gotta take
957
01:00:52,725 --> 01:00:54,085
what you need when you can get it.
958
01:00:54,143 --> 01:00:55,666
You gotta learn to stand up for yourself.
959
01:00:55,686 --> 01:00:57,246
You have to quit being a pussy and kick
960
01:00:57,312 --> 01:00:59,272
these kids in the balls or something.
961
01:01:01,567 --> 01:01:02,942
Or don't. Shit,
I don't care.
962
01:01:03,110 --> 01:01:04,527
Just leave me the hell out of it.
963
01:01:04,611 --> 01:01:05,862
Now get on out of here.
964
01:01:05,946 --> 01:01:07,488
Okay. Thanks, Santa.
965
01:01:22,838 --> 01:01:25,423
Well, go get the next
lucky boy or girl, okay?
966
01:01:26,467 --> 01:01:28,134
All right, next.
967
01:01:30,804 --> 01:01:32,972
Open the ropes there, Marcus.
968
01:01:33,515 --> 01:01:35,475
I know you?
Not yet.
969
01:01:37,978 --> 01:01:39,520
Seven cities in seven years.
970
01:01:40,272 --> 01:01:41,814
Pretty impressive.
971
01:01:42,149 --> 01:01:43,983
The store changes, your name changes.
972
01:01:44,526 --> 01:01:46,402
You always get away clean.
973
01:01:46,779 --> 01:01:49,864
Yeah. Pretty darn
impressive.
974
01:01:50,532 --> 01:01:54,243
But let's face the facts. You're a
couple of half-bucket smalltimers,
975
01:01:54,328 --> 01:01:57,413
and you, because of your physical
attributes, you found a niche.
976
01:01:57,498 --> 01:02:00,625
I respect that. But
you've also been caught.
977
01:02:02,086 --> 01:02:03,336
By me.
978
01:02:03,837 --> 01:02:06,339
So this is how it's gonna be.
979
01:02:06,423 --> 01:02:08,132
I don't wanna take over.
980
01:02:08,217 --> 01:02:10,176
I don't even want to change your scam.
981
01:02:10,469 --> 01:02:12,261
Whatever you guys do, it works.
982
01:02:12,846 --> 01:02:14,597
All I want is a taste.
983
01:02:14,681 --> 01:02:17,225
When the deal is done, we part ways.
984
01:02:17,309 --> 01:02:19,268
I buy a little ranch in Havasu,
985
01:02:19,353 --> 01:02:22,146
and you all take your little
medicine show back on the road.
986
01:02:24,942 --> 01:02:26,275
How much?
Half.
987
01:02:26,360 --> 01:02:27,944
No fucking way!
You're out of your mind.
988
01:02:28,028 --> 01:02:29,529
Easy, Willie. Back off.
989
01:02:29,613 --> 01:02:31,197
I got this.
990
01:02:33,492 --> 01:02:36,619
Okay, 30%.
There's three of us.
991
01:02:36,703 --> 01:02:38,538
30%, that's fair.
992
01:02:38,622 --> 01:02:39,872
Half.
993
01:02:40,207 --> 01:02:42,125
I meant 33%.
I meant half.
994
01:02:42,209 --> 01:02:44,168
And a third.
Half.
995
01:02:45,879 --> 01:02:47,046
35%.
996
01:02:48,465 --> 01:02:49,674
Half.
997
01:02:50,050 --> 01:02:51,217
40%.
998
01:02:52,010 --> 01:02:53,302
Half.
999
01:02:55,556 --> 01:02:56,722
42%.
1000
01:03:05,232 --> 01:03:06,440
45%.
1001
01:03:12,573 --> 01:03:13,739
Half.
1002
01:03:15,242 --> 01:03:16,409
48%?
1003
01:03:17,578 --> 01:03:18,828
Half.
1004
01:03:20,164 --> 01:03:21,914
49%.
Half.
1005
01:03:24,501 --> 01:03:26,210
Well, what's one point?
1006
01:03:26,336 --> 01:03:28,045
We split the dough down the middle.
1007
01:03:28,130 --> 01:03:30,840
Any merchandise you take, I
get to look at and cherry pick.
1008
01:03:30,924 --> 01:03:33,176
No! Money's one thing,
but you ain't getting a...
1009
01:03:33,260 --> 01:03:35,636
This ain't no Chinese menu, jack-off.
1010
01:03:36,221 --> 01:03:38,681
I tell you how it's gonna be.
1011
01:03:38,765 --> 01:03:40,558
This is prix fixe.
1012
01:03:46,190 --> 01:03:47,231
Prix fixe?
1013
01:03:47,316 --> 01:03:48,900
He's a fucking moron.
1014
01:03:49,526 --> 01:03:52,361
Really? Is that how
you got the upper hand?
1015
01:03:52,446 --> 01:03:54,030
Fuck you!
Negotiating?
1016
01:03:54,114 --> 01:03:55,948
You don't like it?
Next year, fuck off.
1017
01:03:56,074 --> 01:03:57,867
I can get another box jockey.
1018
01:03:57,951 --> 01:03:59,266
And I can get another midget, too.
1019
01:03:59,286 --> 01:04:00,494
Yeah, where?
1020
01:04:00,579 --> 01:04:03,706
You see us hanging off of fucking
trees like fucking crab apples?
1021
01:04:03,790 --> 01:04:05,374
Even if we did, you'd never front
1022
01:04:05,459 --> 01:04:07,293
your own racket.
You know why, Willie?
1023
01:04:07,377 --> 01:04:08,577
Because you got no discipline,
1024
01:04:08,629 --> 01:04:10,463
you got zero fucking initiative.
1025
01:04:10,547 --> 01:04:11,923
You'd fall apart without me.
1026
01:04:12,007 --> 01:04:13,633
You're just too pathetic for words.
1027
01:04:13,717 --> 01:04:16,802
You're a fucking loser
and you fucking know it!
1028
01:04:39,117 --> 01:04:42,328
Santa will be here real
soon, kids, real soon.
1029
01:04:46,500 --> 01:04:47,917
There he is.
1030
01:04:50,921 --> 01:04:52,296
Oh, no.
1031
01:05:30,460 --> 01:05:32,545
Sweet Jews for Jesus!
1032
01:05:33,380 --> 01:05:34,630
I pissed myself.
1033
01:05:34,715 --> 01:05:36,424
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
1034
01:05:36,508 --> 01:05:38,259
You son of a bitch!
1035
01:05:38,510 --> 01:05:41,012
Hey, come on!
1036
01:05:43,181 --> 01:05:44,807
Get him out of here.
1037
01:05:44,891 --> 01:05:46,475
I'll smooth things over with Chipeska.
1038
01:05:46,560 --> 01:05:47,874
Tell him food poisoning or something.
1039
01:05:47,894 --> 01:05:49,376
What do you mean, get him out of here?
1040
01:05:49,396 --> 01:05:50,813
Take him to the car.
1041
01:05:50,897 --> 01:05:53,816
In case you hadn't noticed,
I'm a motherfucking dwarf.
1042
01:05:53,900 --> 01:05:57,653
So unless you got a forklift
handy, maybe you should lend a hand.
1043
01:05:57,904 --> 01:05:59,905
That figures. You want
all kinds of set-asides.
1044
01:05:59,990 --> 01:06:02,992
Special treatment because you're
handicapped. You're all the same.
1045
01:06:03,076 --> 01:06:04,243
Special treatment?
1046
01:06:04,328 --> 01:06:06,495
I'm 3 foot fucking tall, you asshole!
1047
01:06:06,580 --> 01:06:10,583
It's a matter of physics. Draw me a
sketch of how to get him to the car.
1048
01:06:10,709 --> 01:06:12,418
Bitch, bitch, bitch.
1049
01:06:12,544 --> 01:06:14,170
Sketch it up, you fucking moron.
1050
01:06:14,254 --> 01:06:16,130
Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.
1051
01:06:17,924 --> 01:06:19,508
What'd you call me?
1052
01:06:19,593 --> 01:06:21,469
I called you a fucking guinea homo from
1053
01:06:21,553 --> 01:06:23,596
the 15th fucking century, you dickhead.
1054
01:06:23,847 --> 01:06:25,848
I could stick you in my ass, small fry.
1055
01:06:25,932 --> 01:06:28,517
Yeah? You sure it ain't
too sore from last night?
1056
01:06:28,602 --> 01:06:30,436
You got some lip on you, midget.
1057
01:06:30,562 --> 01:06:33,356
Well, these lips were on
your wife's pussy last night.
1058
01:06:33,440 --> 01:06:37,360
Why don't you dust that thing
off once in a while? Asshole!
1059
01:06:42,366 --> 01:06:44,483
- I pissed my pants.
- Oh, shut up!
1060
01:07:09,976 --> 01:07:11,310
Santa.
1061
01:07:21,863 --> 01:07:23,114
Santa?
1062
01:07:24,658 --> 01:07:25,950
What?
1063
01:07:27,077 --> 01:07:28,828
What are you doing?
1064
01:07:30,163 --> 01:07:31,497
Nothing.
1065
01:07:32,833 --> 01:07:34,959
You going to work today?
1066
01:07:38,255 --> 01:07:39,755
Not really.
1067
01:07:40,674 --> 01:07:42,800
You just gonna sit there?
1068
01:07:45,095 --> 01:07:47,847
Yeah. Just let
me alone, okay?
1069
01:07:52,269 --> 01:07:54,228
Wait a minute. Kid?
1070
01:07:54,354 --> 01:07:55,604
Yeah?
1071
01:07:59,443 --> 01:08:01,527
I want you to take this letter.
1072
01:08:01,653 --> 01:08:04,864
When the paramedics come to bag Santa up
1073
01:08:05,824 --> 01:08:08,117
there's gonna be some cops here.
1074
01:08:08,201 --> 01:08:11,287
I want you to make sure that
those cops get that envelope.
1075
01:08:11,371 --> 01:08:12,830
What is it?
1076
01:08:13,206 --> 01:08:16,208
It just tells all the bad things that...
1077
01:08:18,712 --> 01:08:21,338
What the fuck happened to your eye?
1078
01:08:22,048 --> 01:08:23,799
Fucking little prick!
1079
01:08:26,386 --> 01:08:29,555
You like to give little kids black eyes?
1080
01:08:31,808 --> 01:08:33,809
How about you?
You want some?
1081
01:08:33,894 --> 01:08:36,061
Anybody else? Come on.
1082
01:08:36,480 --> 01:08:38,230
Yeah, there you go!
1083
01:08:56,500 --> 01:08:59,335
You know, I think I've turned a corner.
1084
01:08:59,753 --> 01:09:02,421
Yeah? You fucking
petites now?
1085
01:09:03,089 --> 01:09:05,424
No, I'm not talking about that.
1086
01:09:07,719 --> 01:09:10,429
I beat the shit out of some kids today.
1087
01:09:11,431 --> 01:09:13,349
But it was for a purpose.
1088
01:09:15,936 --> 01:09:18,354
It made me feel good about myself.
1089
01:09:20,106 --> 01:09:21,706
It was like I did something constructive
1090
01:09:21,775 --> 01:09:23,984
with my life or something, I don't know.
1091
01:09:24,736 --> 01:09:27,112
Like I accomplished something.
1092
01:09:30,492 --> 01:09:32,910
You need many years of therapy.
1093
01:09:33,328 --> 01:09:36,789
Many, many, many fucking years of therapy.
1094
01:09:37,999 --> 01:09:40,501
You don't drink,
which is smart on your part,
1095
01:09:40,585 --> 01:09:42,169
but being sober can put you at
1096
01:09:42,254 --> 01:09:43,963
a disadvantage when it comes to violence.
1097
01:09:44,172 --> 01:09:46,674
Me, I can't box worth a shit, see?
1098
01:09:46,758 --> 01:09:50,427
But I'm good in a fight
because I can't feel anything.
1099
01:09:50,554 --> 01:09:52,972
You, you're gonna feel everything.
1100
01:09:56,017 --> 01:09:59,228
Now put your dukes up,
let me see what you got.
1101
01:09:59,437 --> 01:10:00,729
This is bullshit!
1102
01:10:00,814 --> 01:10:04,149
Give me one good reason why I
should even consider doing this now.
1103
01:10:04,234 --> 01:10:07,903
'Cause I let 2,000 kids spit in my
fucking face for your ass, that's why.
1104
01:10:07,988 --> 01:10:09,655
I'm asking you for this one thing.
1105
01:10:09,739 --> 01:10:11,657
Come on, look at the kid.
1106
01:10:13,159 --> 01:10:14,410
He is pathetic.
1107
01:10:14,494 --> 01:10:15,869
I don't know.
He's just a little...
1108
01:10:15,954 --> 01:10:17,871
He's a fucking retard.
1109
01:10:19,416 --> 01:10:21,208
Yeah, let's show him a couple of things
1110
01:10:21,293 --> 01:10:23,002
so he can defend himself then.
1111
01:10:23,086 --> 01:10:24,837
Unless you're scared.
1112
01:10:26,006 --> 01:10:27,726
All right, then, here's
what's gonna happen.
1113
01:10:27,841 --> 01:10:29,300
Marcus is a bully, right?
1114
01:10:29,384 --> 01:10:30,584
He's gonna pull your underwear
1115
01:10:30,635 --> 01:10:32,235
up out of your pants.
Now what do you do?
1116
01:10:32,721 --> 01:10:33,804
I don't know.
1117
01:10:33,888 --> 01:10:35,203
What do you mean, you don't know?
1118
01:10:35,223 --> 01:10:37,182
If somebody wants to pull your underwear
1119
01:10:37,267 --> 01:10:39,768
out of your pants, you have to get mad.
1120
01:10:39,853 --> 01:10:41,770
Yeah, kid.
Come on, get mad.
1121
01:10:42,022 --> 01:10:43,564
Scream at him.
1122
01:10:45,692 --> 01:10:46,942
Jesus fucking Christ.
1123
01:10:47,027 --> 01:10:49,987
Listen to him, he's a fucking faggot.
1124
01:10:50,071 --> 01:10:53,282
Loud, scream, be loud, be mean!
1125
01:10:53,366 --> 01:10:54,533
Piss him off! Come on!
1126
01:11:01,458 --> 01:11:05,502
You don't hit people in
the balls, you asshole!
1127
01:11:08,340 --> 01:11:10,215
What's wrong with you?
He's just a kid!
1128
01:11:10,300 --> 01:11:11,967
Fuck you, Willie!
1129
01:11:14,846 --> 01:11:16,305
I told you I didn't wanna do this!
1130
01:11:16,431 --> 01:11:17,931
Making me...
1131
01:11:20,185 --> 01:11:21,393
Shit.
1132
01:11:24,773 --> 01:11:28,400
Kid, maybe you shouldn't
spend so much time around me.
1133
01:11:29,569 --> 01:11:31,278
You sneaky little prick.
1134
01:11:32,489 --> 01:11:34,907
Fuck you!
You little bastard!
1135
01:11:34,991 --> 01:11:36,241
Get off me!
1136
01:11:47,087 --> 01:11:49,254
God damn it, I forgot about that.
1137
01:11:49,381 --> 01:11:51,507
Feels like a nursing home around here.
1138
01:11:51,591 --> 01:11:53,759
We can go in another room.
1139
01:11:58,598 --> 01:12:01,392
She does look kind of still, doesn't she?
1140
01:12:04,270 --> 01:12:05,813
Hey, Granny?
1141
01:12:08,566 --> 01:12:10,067
Hey, Granny.
1142
01:12:16,157 --> 01:12:18,033
Hey there, Granny?
1143
01:12:22,122 --> 01:12:23,163
Oh, my God.
1144
01:12:23,289 --> 01:12:24,331
What the fuck?
1145
01:12:27,585 --> 01:12:29,294
I don't feel shit.
1146
01:12:33,758 --> 01:12:34,906
God damn it!
Shit! Jesus Christ!
1147
01:12:34,926 --> 01:12:36,051
You're home.
1148
01:12:36,136 --> 01:12:37,886
Please, for Christ's sake!
1149
01:12:37,971 --> 01:12:39,513
Let me fix you some sandwiches.
1150
01:13:15,049 --> 01:13:16,258
Hello, little boy.
1151
01:13:16,342 --> 01:13:17,801
Hello. Santa?
1152
01:13:18,678 --> 01:13:20,971
I know that Christmas Eve
is in a couple days,
1153
01:13:21,055 --> 01:13:22,412
and you have to fly around the world
1154
01:13:22,432 --> 01:13:23,849
and give presents to everyone,
1155
01:13:24,017 --> 01:13:26,643
and you won't be around anymore.
1156
01:13:27,061 --> 01:13:28,187
Yeah?
1157
01:13:28,271 --> 01:13:29,991
So I thought I'd give you your present now.
1158
01:13:37,197 --> 01:13:38,572
What the fuck is it?
1159
01:13:38,656 --> 01:13:40,115
It's a wooden pickle.
1160
01:13:42,035 --> 01:13:43,368
Why did you paint it brown?
1161
01:13:43,536 --> 01:13:47,206
It's not paint. It's blood from
when I cut my hand making it for you.
1162
01:13:49,459 --> 01:13:50,459
Oh.
1163
01:13:51,544 --> 01:13:54,046
Well, shit, kid, I don't know...
1164
01:13:56,466 --> 01:13:57,758
Thanks.
1165
01:13:58,426 --> 01:14:00,052
You're welcome.
1166
01:14:00,553 --> 01:14:02,346
Good night, Santa.
1167
01:14:04,098 --> 01:14:06,558
Good night,
Mrs. Santa's sister.
1168
01:14:07,519 --> 01:14:09,436
Good night, sweetie.
1169
01:14:11,815 --> 01:14:13,273
Oh, my God.
1170
01:14:13,983 --> 01:14:15,609
That was so sweet.
1171
01:14:15,693 --> 01:14:17,820
He's a really sweet kid, isn't he?
1172
01:14:18,363 --> 01:14:20,155
Yeah, I guess so.
1173
01:14:23,409 --> 01:14:25,077
Come on, baby.
1174
01:14:25,912 --> 01:14:27,329
Come here.
1175
01:14:29,082 --> 01:14:30,332
What?
1176
01:14:31,209 --> 01:14:33,377
Oh, nothing.
I'm all right.
1177
01:14:36,714 --> 01:14:38,799
I'm just a little tired.
1178
01:14:50,395 --> 01:14:51,728
Santa!
1179
01:14:51,813 --> 01:14:53,897
God damn it! Whoa! Shit!
1180
01:14:53,982 --> 01:14:56,108
Wanna see my report card?
1181
01:14:56,359 --> 01:14:57,943
You scared the holy shit out of me.
1182
01:14:58,027 --> 01:14:59,528
Think I did good?
1183
01:14:59,612 --> 01:15:00,654
How would I know?
1184
01:15:00,738 --> 01:15:02,489
I haven't seen the fucking thing yet.
1185
01:15:07,245 --> 01:15:08,704
Who the fuck is Thurman?
Is that you?
1186
01:15:08,788 --> 01:15:09,872
Is your name Thurman?
1187
01:15:09,956 --> 01:15:11,081
Yeah.
1188
01:15:13,835 --> 01:15:14,960
Thurman Merman?
1189
01:15:15,044 --> 01:15:16,128
Yeah.
1190
01:15:18,423 --> 01:15:19,715
Jesus.
1191
01:15:19,924 --> 01:15:22,050
So you think I did good?
1192
01:15:24,345 --> 01:15:27,180
What do you care what I think, anyway?
1193
01:15:28,182 --> 01:15:30,017
I guess you did better than I did.
1194
01:15:30,143 --> 01:15:31,977
I never got any B's.
1195
01:15:32,353 --> 01:15:35,063
I thought maybe at least
since I did good in school,
1196
01:15:35,148 --> 01:15:36,815
maybe you'd bring me a present?
1197
01:15:36,900 --> 01:15:38,734
Because last year and the year before that,
1198
01:15:38,818 --> 01:15:41,194
you didn't bring me any presents.
1199
01:15:43,823 --> 01:15:46,241
Even though I'm a dipshit loser.
1200
01:15:50,622 --> 01:15:52,539
Jesus fucking Christ, kid!
1201
01:15:52,624 --> 01:15:54,750
Why do you talk about yourself that way?
1202
01:15:55,752 --> 01:15:56,792
Let me give you some news.
1203
01:15:56,836 --> 01:15:59,087
I'm not Santa Claus, all right?
1204
01:15:59,172 --> 01:16:00,297
Take a look at me.
1205
01:16:00,381 --> 01:16:01,506
Do I look like Santa Claus?
1206
01:16:01,591 --> 01:16:03,884
As a matter of fact,
I'm living, fucking proof
1207
01:16:03,968 --> 01:16:06,345
that there's not a Santa Claus.
1208
01:16:07,180 --> 01:16:09,222
I know there's no Santa.
1209
01:16:09,557 --> 01:16:10,849
I just thought maybe you'd wanna
1210
01:16:10,934 --> 01:16:13,185
give me a present because we're friends.
1211
01:16:38,544 --> 01:16:43,465
There he is, that lousy,
leather-faced, frog-eyed motherfucker.
1212
01:17:17,959 --> 01:17:20,002
Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.
1213
01:17:20,086 --> 01:17:21,503
What is the problem now?
1214
01:17:21,587 --> 01:17:23,588
I'm sorry, but the van stalled.
1215
01:17:24,132 --> 01:17:26,174
Will you give us a jump, please?
1216
01:17:26,509 --> 01:17:28,343
I'll be dipped in dog shit.
1217
01:17:28,428 --> 01:17:30,512
Do I look like an auto mechanic to you?
1218
01:17:37,854 --> 01:17:39,563
I appreciate it.
1219
01:17:42,483 --> 01:17:45,152
All right, small fry, help yourself.
1220
01:17:49,615 --> 01:17:50,782
I can't reach it.
1221
01:17:50,867 --> 01:17:52,159
Jesus Christ, give me that!
1222
01:17:52,326 --> 01:17:53,660
Thanks.
1223
01:17:56,039 --> 01:17:57,789
All right, hit it.
1224
01:18:27,945 --> 01:18:31,031
Oh, my, what a terrible accident.
1225
01:18:32,158 --> 01:18:33,533
- Is he dead?
- No.
1226
01:18:33,618 --> 01:18:36,078
But it looks like you
broke most of his ribs.
1227
01:18:36,162 --> 01:18:39,498
I'd say maybe 50% of them,
or do you think 30%?
1228
01:18:41,084 --> 01:18:42,834
I needed more of a running start.
1229
01:18:42,919 --> 01:18:44,836
I couldn't build up enough speed.
1230
01:19:01,604 --> 01:19:03,063
Merry Christmas Eve.
1231
01:19:03,147 --> 01:19:04,337
♪ Have yourself ♪
♪ a merry little Christmas ♪
1232
01:19:04,357 --> 01:19:06,733
I got you a little something.
1233
01:19:06,818 --> 01:19:08,652
You shouldn't have.
1234
01:19:08,778 --> 01:19:10,612
Let's put that shit in the kitchen.
1235
01:19:13,866 --> 01:19:15,200
Goddamn, you look good.
1236
01:19:15,284 --> 01:19:17,404
♪ From now on our troubles ♪
♪ will be out of sight ♪
1237
01:19:21,082 --> 01:19:22,666
Here you go.
1238
01:19:23,501 --> 01:19:25,233
♪ Have yourself ♪
♪ a merry little Christmas ♪
1239
01:19:25,253 --> 01:19:27,629
You're behind there, sweetie.
1240
01:19:28,756 --> 01:19:31,007
We don't need any more of this shit.
1241
01:19:31,092 --> 01:19:35,137
"Christmas keeps us connected
to each other in peace."
1242
01:19:35,346 --> 01:19:38,598
"The angel is going to
kill everyone in the world."
1243
01:19:43,312 --> 01:19:44,604
Aspirin?
1244
01:19:44,689 --> 01:19:46,523
♪ Here we are ♪
♪ as in olden days ♪
1245
01:19:47,400 --> 01:19:50,527
♪ Happy golden days of yore ♪
1246
01:19:52,905 --> 01:19:56,283
♪ Faithful friends ♪
♪ who are dear to us ♪
1247
01:19:57,034 --> 01:20:00,996
♪ Gather near to us ♪
♪ once more ♪
1248
01:20:03,040 --> 01:20:04,833
♪ Through the years ♪
1249
01:20:04,917 --> 01:20:06,918
♪ We all will be together ♪
1250
01:20:08,546 --> 01:20:11,756
♪ If the fates allow ♪
1251
01:20:12,967 --> 01:20:14,342
♪ Until then ♪
1252
01:20:14,427 --> 01:20:19,181
♪ We'll have to ♪
♪ muddle through somehow ♪
1253
01:20:21,976 --> 01:20:25,061
♪ So have yourself ♪
1254
01:20:25,146 --> 01:20:29,065
♪ A merry little ♪
♪ Christmas now ♪
1255
01:20:33,112 --> 01:20:37,449
♪ Through the years ♪
♪ we all will be together ♪
1256
01:20:38,659 --> 01:20:41,453
♪ If the fates allow ♪
1257
01:20:42,872 --> 01:20:45,707
♪ Hang a shining star ♪
1258
01:20:45,791 --> 01:20:49,461
♪ Upon the highest bough ♪
1259
01:20:51,464 --> 01:20:54,966
♪ And have yourself ♪
1260
01:20:55,384 --> 01:21:02,307
♪ A merry little ♪
♪ Christmas now ♪
1261
01:21:11,567 --> 01:21:13,735
Shit! Jesus!
1262
01:21:17,365 --> 01:21:18,657
Santa?
1263
01:21:20,451 --> 01:21:21,534
What?
1264
01:21:21,619 --> 01:21:22,953
I was gonna make some sandwiches.
1265
01:21:23,329 --> 01:21:26,122
I could make you one before you leave.
1266
01:21:28,251 --> 01:21:30,252
Listen, kid, I don't know.
1267
01:21:30,378 --> 01:21:32,379
I got shit to do and everything.
1268
01:21:38,302 --> 01:21:40,637
Okay, make me some sandwiches.
1269
01:21:40,721 --> 01:21:43,515
I gotta go to the mall and
talk to somebody. I'll be back.
1270
01:21:43,599 --> 01:21:44,683
For dinner?
1271
01:21:44,767 --> 01:21:46,017
Yeah, that's what I said.
1272
01:21:46,394 --> 01:21:48,895
How many sandwiches do you want?
1273
01:21:50,606 --> 01:21:51,606
A bunch.
1274
01:21:51,691 --> 01:21:53,024
How much lettuce do you want?
1275
01:21:56,529 --> 01:21:58,154
I don't know, the usual amount.
1276
01:21:58,239 --> 01:21:59,345
Whatever the hell people do.
1277
01:21:59,365 --> 01:22:00,365
Whatever you think.
1278
01:22:00,408 --> 01:22:01,533
Okay.
1279
01:22:19,719 --> 01:22:22,595
Have a very merry
Christmas. Good night.
1280
01:22:23,014 --> 01:22:24,764
Merry Christmas.
1281
01:22:25,266 --> 01:22:26,308
Good night.
1282
01:22:26,392 --> 01:22:27,434
Okay. Happy holiday.
1283
01:22:27,518 --> 01:22:28,708
Attention, shoppers.
1284
01:22:28,728 --> 01:22:31,104
The store will be closing in five minutes.
1285
01:22:31,188 --> 01:22:32,605
We wish you all a merry Christmas,
1286
01:22:32,690 --> 01:22:34,774
happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanza.
1287
01:22:51,834 --> 01:22:54,002
All right, hold it steady.
1288
01:22:58,799 --> 01:23:00,925
Yeah, shit, let's do it.
1289
01:23:02,261 --> 01:23:03,428
Oh, Christ.
1290
01:23:08,934 --> 01:23:09,934
Merry Christmas.
1291
01:23:11,937 --> 01:23:12,937
Good night.
1292
01:23:14,899 --> 01:23:16,274
Merry Christmas, Willie.
1293
01:23:16,400 --> 01:23:17,776
Up your ass.
1294
01:24:17,378 --> 01:24:18,670
Oh, shit.
1295
01:24:20,089 --> 01:24:21,339
What?
1296
01:24:26,887 --> 01:24:28,179
That's a Kitnerboy Redoubt.
1297
01:24:28,264 --> 01:24:29,347
So?
1298
01:24:29,432 --> 01:24:30,598
Remember Andy Pitts?
1299
01:24:30,683 --> 01:24:31,808
Andy Pittsarella? Yeah.
1300
01:24:31,892 --> 01:24:34,936
No, Andy Rapicki. Andy
Pittsarella was Andy "Blue Balls."
1301
01:24:35,020 --> 01:24:37,272
Since he got married,
we call him Andy Pittsarella.
1302
01:24:37,356 --> 01:24:39,274
What's your fucking point?
1303
01:24:39,358 --> 01:24:41,234
They say he can get into anything.
1304
01:24:41,569 --> 01:24:45,155
Anything. They say he's been
in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.
1305
01:24:45,239 --> 01:24:46,614
And that's a good thing?
1306
01:24:46,699 --> 01:24:48,616
So what the fuck are you getting at?
1307
01:24:49,285 --> 01:24:51,005
When I was in the joint
with him, he told me
1308
01:24:51,036 --> 01:24:53,538
that the Kitnerboy
Redoubt can't be cracked.
1309
01:24:54,415 --> 01:24:56,332
Are you shitting me?
1310
01:24:56,667 --> 01:24:59,210
Are you telling me
that after I propped you up,
1311
01:24:59,295 --> 01:25:02,422
held you together,
smiled for all those kids,
1312
01:25:02,506 --> 01:25:04,382
danced for all those fucking housewives
1313
01:25:04,550 --> 01:25:07,719
in a fucking lime green,
fucking velvet elf costume,
1314
01:25:07,803 --> 01:25:10,096
that you cannot get in this fucking safe?
1315
01:25:10,181 --> 01:25:12,599
Is that what you're telling me?
1316
01:25:13,058 --> 01:25:16,352
No, I'm just saying
it's going to take a minute.
1317
01:25:40,336 --> 01:25:41,503
Fuck.
1318
01:25:51,764 --> 01:25:52,764
Shit.
1319
01:25:52,890 --> 01:25:54,349
34C.
1320
01:26:39,395 --> 01:26:40,645
Fuck!
1321
01:27:13,679 --> 01:27:15,346
Piece of cake.
1322
01:27:16,724 --> 01:27:19,934
I gotta get one more thing.
I'll be right back.
1323
01:27:42,499 --> 01:27:44,834
Shit. Which one
did he say?
1324
01:28:03,854 --> 01:28:06,481
I'll bet the store dick don't want this.
1325
01:28:06,565 --> 01:28:08,816
Store dick don't want shit.
1326
01:28:11,528 --> 01:28:13,321
What do you mean?
1327
01:28:13,447 --> 01:28:15,239
Store dick's dead.
1328
01:28:15,658 --> 01:28:17,909
Store dick don't want shit.
1329
01:28:19,328 --> 01:28:20,745
He's dead?
1330
01:28:23,624 --> 01:28:25,792
I didn't even know he was sick.
1331
01:28:25,876 --> 01:28:29,545
Willie, this has been a long time coming.
1332
01:28:30,005 --> 01:28:31,756
Every year, you're worse.
1333
01:28:31,882 --> 01:28:33,633
Every year, less reliable.
1334
01:28:34,009 --> 01:28:37,679
More booze, more bullshit,
more butt-fucking.
1335
01:28:38,597 --> 01:28:40,390
Sure, the three B's.
1336
01:28:41,558 --> 01:28:44,185
You gotta be able to rely, Willie.
1337
01:28:46,647 --> 01:28:48,773
You people are monsters.
1338
01:28:49,358 --> 01:28:51,734
There's no joy in this for me.
1339
01:28:55,197 --> 01:28:57,073
I'm not talking about you taking me out.
1340
01:28:57,157 --> 01:28:59,033
That part I get.
1341
01:29:03,122 --> 01:29:05,289
But look at all that shit.
1342
01:29:07,167 --> 01:29:09,752
Do you really need all that shit?
1343
01:29:11,755 --> 01:29:13,715
For Christ's sakes, it's Christmas.
1344
01:29:13,799 --> 01:29:17,051
It is Christmas, Willie,
but this is what we do.
1345
01:29:17,136 --> 01:29:18,886
We get the shit.
1346
01:29:19,430 --> 01:29:21,931
Christmas time, we get the shit.
1347
01:29:22,641 --> 01:29:25,685
Because we are men and Lois.
1348
01:29:28,397 --> 01:29:31,983
It is Christmas, Willie,
and we are men and Lois.
1349
01:29:34,111 --> 01:29:35,403
What you waiting for, honey?
1350
01:29:35,487 --> 01:29:36,946
Come on, plug him.
1351
01:29:37,030 --> 01:29:39,449
I've been waiting for too long.
1352
01:29:42,453 --> 01:29:44,203
Goodbye, Willie.
1353
01:29:46,540 --> 01:29:48,040
Drop the gun!
1354
01:29:49,460 --> 01:29:51,586
And you, Santa, drop the elephant.
1355
01:29:51,670 --> 01:29:52,670
Where did you come from?
1356
01:29:52,755 --> 01:29:53,755
Get down.
1357
01:29:53,839 --> 01:29:55,089
Shit, the fucking kid.
1358
01:29:55,174 --> 01:29:58,468
All three of you are in so much
shit, it's almost unbelievable.
1359
01:29:58,552 --> 01:30:01,012
Marcus, hop on!
1360
01:30:22,117 --> 01:30:23,451
Fuck me.
1361
01:31:20,592 --> 01:31:24,387
This is Christmas, and the kid's
getting his fucking present.
1362
01:31:47,870 --> 01:31:49,787
Stop, police!
Put your hands up.
1363
01:31:49,913 --> 01:31:51,831
I said freeze!
1364
01:31:52,666 --> 01:31:53,958
Freeze!
1365
01:32:46,762 --> 01:32:48,220
Dear kid,
1366
01:32:48,889 --> 01:32:50,848
I hope that you got my present
1367
01:32:50,974 --> 01:32:52,892
and that there wasn't too much blood on it.
1368
01:32:52,976 --> 01:32:55,603
Although there was blood
on the present you gave me,
1369
01:32:55,687 --> 01:32:57,207
which didn't keep me from enjoying it.
1370
01:32:57,230 --> 01:33:00,691
So maybe the blood doesn't
matter so much, I guess.
1371
01:33:02,569 --> 01:33:05,696
Anyway, just in case
they took it as evidence,
1372
01:33:05,781 --> 01:33:07,782
I'm also sending you a T-shirt.
1373
01:33:07,908 --> 01:33:09,909
I hope it's the right size.
1374
01:33:11,328 --> 01:33:15,498
I'm healing up good, and they
tell me that I will soon be 100%,
1375
01:33:15,582 --> 01:33:17,458
even with eight bullets dug out of me,
1376
01:33:17,542 --> 01:33:19,502
because they didn't hit any vital organs.
1377
01:33:19,670 --> 01:33:22,380
Just my liver, which is fucked anyway.
1378
01:33:24,216 --> 01:33:26,342
Thank you for giving
that letter to the cops.
1379
01:33:26,426 --> 01:33:29,136
I forgot I asked you to do it,
but it's a good thing you did
1380
01:33:29,221 --> 01:33:31,555
or Santa's little helper
would have plugged his ass.
1381
01:33:31,640 --> 01:33:35,142
Now the cops know I wrote it,
which will keep my ass out of jail.
1382
01:33:35,227 --> 01:33:36,560
That, plus everyone agreeing
1383
01:33:36,645 --> 01:33:39,005
that the Phoenix Police Department
shooting an unarmed Santa
1384
01:33:39,064 --> 01:33:41,607
was even more fucked up than Rodney King.
1385
01:33:42,651 --> 01:33:45,111
The cops are treating me
like fucking royalty now,
1386
01:33:45,195 --> 01:33:46,737
which is new in my experience.
1387
01:33:46,822 --> 01:33:48,823
They're gonna make me
a sensitivity counsellor,
1388
01:33:48,907 --> 01:33:50,157
so that tragedies like this
1389
01:33:50,242 --> 01:33:53,285
will never again embarrass
the whole fucking department.
1390
01:33:53,370 --> 01:33:56,330
Meanwhile, I told the cops you had
no one to take the fuck care of you.
1391
01:33:56,415 --> 01:33:59,000
So they set it up with
Mrs. Santa's sister watching you
1392
01:33:59,084 --> 01:34:01,836
until your dad gets back
in one year and three months.
1393
01:34:01,920 --> 01:34:04,880
They made her a guardian
pro temp, or some such shit.
1394
01:34:04,965 --> 01:34:08,092
Anyway, she seems to like you
and your house and Jacuzzi.
1395
01:34:08,260 --> 01:34:10,594
I sent her some money, so
if you play your cards right
1396
01:34:10,679 --> 01:34:13,681
you can probably get her
to buy you something.
1397
01:34:13,765 --> 01:34:16,475
As for my little helper,
I'm sorry to have to tell you
1398
01:34:16,560 --> 01:34:18,644
that him and his
prune-faced mail-order wife
1399
01:34:18,729 --> 01:34:21,022
will be exploring mountains with your dad.
1400
01:34:21,314 --> 01:34:24,692
I hope your dad doesn't go
sucking shit from them like I did.
1401
01:34:24,776 --> 01:34:27,778
They're supposed to let me out
of this hospital room soon,
1402
01:34:27,904 --> 01:34:29,864
so get some sandwiches ready.
1403
01:34:29,948 --> 01:34:34,368
Until then, don't take no shit
from nobody, least of all yourself.
1404
01:34:36,872 --> 01:34:38,914
Your pal, Santa.
1405
01:34:42,711 --> 01:34:44,211
Hey, loser.
1406
01:34:45,589 --> 01:34:49,091
I hear your buddy's not here
to protect you anymore.
1407
01:34:50,469 --> 01:34:52,720
I see you got me a new bike.
1408
01:34:52,804 --> 01:34:54,388
Thanks a lot.
1409
01:34:55,223 --> 01:34:57,058
I'm talking to you, fat-ass!
1410
01:37:15,447 --> 01:37:17,740
♪ It wouldn't be Christmas ♪
♪ without you ♪
1411
01:37:17,824 --> 01:37:19,909
♪ Can't fool me, ♪
♪ I know it's true ♪
1412
01:37:19,993 --> 01:37:23,621
♪ Merry Christmas, ♪
♪ merry la la la ♪
1413
01:37:24,456 --> 01:37:27,041
♪ It wouldn't be Christmas ♪
♪ without you ♪
1414
01:37:27,125 --> 01:37:29,335
♪ Can't fool me, ♪
♪ I know it's true ♪
1415
01:37:29,419 --> 01:37:33,297
♪ Merry Christmas, ♪
♪ merry la la la ♪
1416
01:37:34,299 --> 01:37:36,383
♪ Looked up my friends, ♪
♪ saw the snow ♪
1417
01:37:36,468 --> 01:37:38,886
♪ It's Christmas ♪
♪ and I'm all alone ♪
1418
01:37:38,970 --> 01:37:40,971
♪ Get the eggnog, ♪
♪ ring the bell ♪
1419
01:37:41,056 --> 01:37:45,559
♪ 'Cause Christmas cheer ♪
♪ is all around ♪
1420
01:37:45,644 --> 01:37:48,229
♪ And it wouldn't be Christmas ♪
♪ without you ♪
1421
01:37:48,480 --> 01:37:50,648
♪ Can't fool me, ♪
♪ I know it's true ♪
1422
01:37:50,732 --> 01:37:54,526
♪ Merry Christmas, ♪
♪ merry la la la ♪
1423
01:37:55,153 --> 01:37:57,613
♪ It wouldn't be Christmas ♪
♪ without you ♪
1424
01:37:57,697 --> 01:37:59,949
♪ Can't fool me, ♪
♪ I know it's true ♪
1425
01:38:00,033 --> 01:38:03,661
♪ Merry Christmas, ♪
♪ merry la la la ♪
1426
01:38:04,829 --> 01:38:06,956
♪ Santa Claus is flying high ♪
1427
01:38:07,040 --> 01:38:09,250
♪ Across ♪
♪ the dusky winter sky ♪
1428
01:38:09,334 --> 01:38:11,460
♪ And when ♪
♪ I'm packing in my toys ♪
1429
01:38:11,544 --> 01:38:15,756
♪ Season of that magic ♪
♪ makes noise ♪
1430
01:38:16,174 --> 01:38:18,801
♪ It wouldn't be Christmas ♪
♪ without you ♪
1431
01:38:18,885 --> 01:38:21,011
♪ Can't fool me, ♪
♪ I know it's true ♪
1432
01:38:21,096 --> 01:38:24,807
♪ Merry Christmas, ♪
♪ merry la la la ♪
1433
01:38:25,100 --> 01:38:27,768
♪ It won't be Christmas ♪
♪ without you ♪
1434
01:38:27,852 --> 01:38:30,437
♪ Can't fool me, ♪
♪ I know it's true ♪
1435
01:38:30,522 --> 01:38:34,400
♪ Merry Christmas, ♪
♪ merry la la la ♪
1436
01:38:44,286 --> 01:38:45,286
♪ Christmas ♪
1437
01:38:45,370 --> 01:38:48,414
♪ The snow's coming down ♪
1438
01:38:48,498 --> 01:38:50,666
♪ I'm watching it fall ♪
1439
01:38:50,750 --> 01:38:51,917
♪ Christmas ♪
1440
01:38:52,002 --> 01:38:55,254
♪ There's some people around ♪
1441
01:38:55,338 --> 01:38:57,923
♪ Baby, please come home ♪
1442
01:38:58,008 --> 01:39:01,302
♪ They're singing ♪
♪ deck the halls ♪
1443
01:39:01,386 --> 01:39:04,138
♪ But it's not ♪
♪ like Christmas at all ♪
1444
01:39:04,222 --> 01:39:07,975
♪ I remember ♪
♪ when you were here ♪
1445
01:39:08,059 --> 01:39:11,378
♪ And all the fun ♪
♪ we had last year ♪
102268
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