Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Then we went swimming

and Zack showed us how to jump off the diving board.

And, and, and he did a really big jump,

like so big.

Then he got water everywhere.

Girls, it's time for PJ's, come on.

Say goodnight to Kris.

I'll see you tomorrow morning, you goofballs.

One more sleep.

Bye bye, wakka wakka.

Love you.

Kris?

Is that you?

Hey.

Wow, you look.

A little different.

Yeah.

Like, holy shit.

It's nice to see you again.

Thank you for agreeing to meet up.

I know it's probably a little weird after such a long time.

No, sure.

We, we've got a lot to talk about.

Yes.

I'm so glad we were able to do this.

I want to hear all about you, about everything.

Yeah.

Thank you for messaging me and for, for driving from LA.

You know, between the kids and classes,

it's just really hard to find the time.

Of course.

Um, should we?

Just this way.

So when did this place open up?

Um, like a few years ago.

Can you imagine if this place was around

back when we were at CC?

I would have set up a tent right over there.

Would've put out a freshman 40.

More like a freshmen hundred.

So you're here for a what conference?

Network security.

Okay.

Basically we provide security

for banks and such against hackers.

The conference is pretty much a hacker con

featuring hardware mods, phone free keying.

Sounds pretty nerdy.

Naomi, it's good to see you again.

Hey.

Hi, is this your first time at Jonah's?

First time.

Excellent.

Okay, so our specials are gonna be right there.

You know, I'm actually super boring.

Do you have a Caesar salad with grilled chicken?

- We do. - Perfect.

- What? - Thank you.

I know, I know, I know.

Sorry, I just broke her brain.

No, you don't understand.

In college, this person used to only eat

like mac and cheese and burgers and pizza.

Uh, the usual?

Yes, please.

Can I also get a wine?

The same one I had the last time.

Yeah.

You know what?

I'll have the same and some water too, please.

I'll get those orders in right away.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

What the fuck?

- What? - What the fuck?

What?

Vegetables?

Like green things that come out of the ground.

I started eating healthier about 10 years ago.

Which how do you think I got this figure?

I just can't believe.

You should've seen my parents' faces

the first time I had vegetables in front of them.

Oh my God.

They didn't die from shock?

No, they're still here.

Thank you.

Guess you're a testament to how much people can change.

Sometimes I get so used to being me

it doesn't feel that way.

All right, time to eat.

I want my game back.

I know you do.

- But this is gonna go up here. - Mom.

I hate that.

What?

Like God forbid, we let our kids just be bored, right?

More of a free range parent myself.

Free range, like chickens?

Yes.

Kids should be allowed to roam freely in a field,

living life, not becoming zombies.

Well, I believe it's all about moderation.

Technology isn't inherently, well it's how people use it.

It's fucking ridiculous.

What?

You haven't changed a bit.

Oh my God.

Mm-hm.

By the way, your children are so adorable.

Oh?

They remind me of my cousin's kids, Ava and Willem.

I'm actually staying with them while I'm in LA.

Your kids are?

Ethan and Dylan.

Five and three and they're absolute handfuls.

From the moment he wakes up until he goes to sleep,

Dylan will not stop talking.

Ethan's like a real boys, boy, you know?

He likes superheroes and aliens

and blasting things with his laser photons.

Sounds pretty awesome to me.

I don't know.

I mean, honestly,

this is the first adult conversation

I've been having in months.

I mean, besides Jim, of course.

Jim, your husband.

Yes.

He's barely an adult.

I just miss freedom, you know?

Before all of this and before, you know back when...

So,

I haven't seen you since...

Yeah.

Did you know when we were together?

It's not that simple.

I mean, I knew,

but I hadn't allowed myself to accept who I was.

The need to transition was like this awful noise.

This endless ringing in my head.

You saw it a few times.

That faraway look.

Yeah, I remember.

Back then I thought being trans was like a disease

that could be fought and maybe even defeated.

I thought fighting it would make me stronger, better.

After I left, I was determined

I was gonna figure things out for myself.

But instead I drank, even more than before.

I'd stumble home to my apartment,

throw up all over the floor

and then spend the next morning still wasted,

cleaning up the mess.

I didn't shower for days.

There were weeks when I didn't speak to another human being.

Jesus.

Kris, I had no idea.

I mean, I knew things were hard.

I knew it, but-

- I had to learn the hard way.

I'm just one of those people

who has to hit rock bottom before I change.

But thank God I did though, you know?

Thank you, Matt.

Absolutely.

Anything else ladies?

Nope.

I can't get over you.

I mean if people didn't know, they'd never know.

It's a silly thing.

I wish it wasn't a thing at all,

but we live in the world we do.

But yes, I'm very lucky I'm able to pass.

Yeah.

How does that work exactly?

Like, are you safe in Phoenix?

I mean, that's like an all America.

Most people out there don't even know I'm trans.

Nobody knows?

Just a few close friends.

Few people can really make a difference.

That's part of the reason I wanted to see you tonight.

When I think about how far I've come, I mean,

I would never made it this far

without friends like you along the way.

Back in college you were so open and accepting of everyone.

I still remember you chewing out Liam.

Oh my God.

Liam.

For saying some stupid transphobic shit.

You two almost got into a fight.

In case you don't remember,

I had to hold you back because you kept screaming

that you were gonna remove his manhood.

My God, yeah, I said that.

You screamed that at The Basement, sophomore year.

I'd never been around someone like that before.

Moments like that gave me hope.

You always gave me hope, Nae.

Now it all seems like a bad dream.

You should have told me what was going on.

I know it would have been hard, but I would have understood.

Naomi.

I know I owed you an explanation, but-

- You left without any explanation.

You didn't leave a note, no phone call, nothing.

You know what?

It was fucking devastating.

I know.

I'm really sorry.

- Truly- - Look,

I get that things have been off between us.

We were together for three years.

I know you were going through something hard,

but I had no idea what was going on or why you left.

It really hurt me.

Do you know how I found out about your transition?

Through Rachel.

Rachel.

I deserved to know.

You're right.

About everything.

I was leading you on.

And so I'm very, very, sorry.

I always knew deep inside

that I had to become who I truly was,

but there were times when I looked at you

and I felt like if we stay together,

or maybe if we had kids, family,

that maybe that would be enough for me not to transition.

After a while though,

I realized that I was just staying for myself,

instead of thinking about what was right.

I'm sorry it took me so long.

I should have reached out way before this.

To be honest, I was very ashamed of how everything happened.

But I want to put all of that behind us,

and I realize I have no right to ask you for anything.

But I hope that you can forgive me.

Um, I just, um,

I just wish things hadn't ended that way.

Naomi.

I really appreciate you driving all the way out here.

I should get going.

I have office hours in the morning.

Let's go for a drink or something.

I don't know if that's such a good idea.

I don't want tonight to end like this.

I want to hear more about your life, your art.

Please.

Drinks, huh?

Maybe two.

We can go to Congregation.

That's great, let's go.

Just point me in the right direction.

Just a couple blocks that way.

So I did a bit of online stalking.

Yeah.

The dart exhibit,

where you put them inside your and then, pew!

You saw the video.

It was very impressive.

- Do you mind? - No.

Did you make the balloon penises.

No, but that's a good story.

I'm concerned, also very fascinated.

I was at a birthday party for one of Ethan's friends,

he's my oldest,

and there was this balloon artist there by the name of Juan,

and I already knew I was gonna be doing the dart exhibit,

so I just casually walk up to Juan and I was like,

"Excuse me, Juan."

"Have you ever dabbled in balloon genitalia before?"

You didn't.

Of course I did.

At a child's birthday party?

Well, I didn't do it in front of the children.

Jesus, I'm not a complete degenerate.

Thank God.

Anyway, I'd never seen

such perfectly rendered balls and penises before,

especially in balloon form.

And I was getting a lot of satisfaction

shooting those darts out of my vagina

and watching those balloon penises pop.

Jesus, you're a menace.

You know, that wasn't even my craziest performance.

No, I do not believe you.

Give me one of those.

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Okay, so when I first started my professorship at CC,

I did this performance in front of the full length mirror

where I was putting on my makeup while completely naked.

Why naked?

I'm getting to that?

Okay.

So I sit down in front of the mirror

and I start to lay out all of my makeup.

You know, like the mascara, the blush,

and I started to put on the makeup very, very precisely.

And?

And then I,

took my leg and I lift it on up.

I took the tools and I start to masturbate.

Admit, it took me a while, 'cause you know,

I'm not used to doing this in front of an audience,

and let's just say that vibration is key.

Good to know.

And you know, I'm like getting into a rhythm,

I think I have it completely locked in,

and then I noticed there's this freshmen in the front row

just staring at me in horror or awe, or possibly both.

Must have been a very educational experience for him.

Well the entire time

I'm like trying to concentrate on my performance,

but I keep thinking like,

"Am I totally fucking up this kid?"

Like, is he gonna look at masturbation tools

and makeup and just equate them?

I don't know.

Maybe it's a good commentary on the intersection of sex

and how we use it to sell products and people.

You finished the performance?

Obviously.

I'm a professional.

Your art is so bold and unafraid.

Thank you.

And meaningful.

So when was your last performance?

Um, it's been a while.

Actually that performance was my last performance.

Wait.

Are you saying you quit performing altogether?

Yup.

But why?

I mean, Naomi, I can't believe you just quit.

Well my performances,

they always took a huge emotional toll on me.

I get that, but-

- And between the kids and you know,

all the extra classes I had to take, it just,

I didn't have the energy.

You know,

I did have an interesting idea for a performance piece,

but then I got pregnant, so I ended up shelving it.

It's just in my office now, gathering dust.

Well,

then tell me more about your life before family

and the kids and all that.

I didn't expect to find you're teaching at CC.

Well, I did not expect myself to end up here either.

I always thought I'd end up

someplace like New York or Paris.

Hell, even LA.

And yeah, I did get into some of those MFA programs,

like some in Boston and in Chicago.

I remember you talking about those programs

and you got in, that's fantastic.

Yeah, after everything that happened, you know,

I just wasn't ready to make like a big move.

Art wasn't really making me any money,

so I had to move back in with my parents,

which was really, really hard.

And my dad and I, we were fighting all the time,

so we stopped talking.

I got my master's at CC

and then my dad had the heart attack.

I was at the farmer's market when I got the call.

There was so much to do after the funeral.

I can't even imagine.

That must have been so much for you to deal with.

Yeah, it was.

Anyway, around that time

a adjunct professorship opened up at CC

and I just really needed something consistent in my life,

so I said yes.

And then I met Jim,

who really was excited about having a family.

So five years later I got pregnant.

I thought about not keeping the baby, but um.

I, I couldn't do that.

Of course not.

Kids are precious.

Jim was really, really excited about becoming a dad.

So then after awhile, smog wasn't so bad

and summers were more tolerable, and so were the people.

But you know, Jim's parents, they, they live in the area,

so it's been a godsend with the kids

and I couldn't have done any of this without them,

especially since my mom moved.

You've been through a lot, Nae.

Yeah.

Still, world's a less interesting place

when you're not exposing it to weirdness.

Uh, the world's a weird and crazy place even without me.

Who wants to go see a performance artist anyway?

I mean, people barely go to museums anymore.

Hey, I've been to the Phoenix Art Museum.

Oh, ooh la la.

They have some very nice desert landscapes.

Okay, see,

this is exactly why people don't go to the museum anymore.

Art should be challenging and it should be exciting.

Do you miss it?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if my art

was the only thing keeping me sane.

You should perform, Naomi.

Don't deny yourself something that you need.

If you need to do it, then it will be worth the sacrifice.

There's only one of you, you know?

Take it from me.

So, have you been with anyone since transitioning?

Like, are you still into women, or?

Men, definitely men.

Any hot dates?

Some stories that'll spice up a married woman's love life?

Come on.

I, I haven't had any real sex.

I haven't watched porn in months.

Well, actually,

I just got out of a relationship a few weeks ago.

Oh, really?

Go on.

We met online.

Like, like an app.

- A video game. - Oh.

- We both played this- - Oh no.

No, no, no.

Not one of those terrible life sucks

that you used to play in college.

They're not that terrible.

They're terrible.

Anyway, we met through this game and we started chatting.

Hm.

And we got to chatting more and more and more,

and we both lived in Arizona so we decided to meet up.

Like a modern day digital romance.

Before we met, I told him I was trans.

I figured it would be easier to tell him online

than in person in case, you know.

Yeah, sure.

He was actually totally cool about it.

So we set up a time to meet.

How'd it go?

It was great for a while.

We were together for about a year and a half.

God, that's a really long time.

So what happened?

I think we both realized

we had different priorities and goals in life,

so we decided to end things about a month ago.

Hm, I'm sorry.

That's rough.

Just wasn't meant to be.

Well, fuck him then.

What about before him?

What about after?

Actually, he was the first person I've been with since...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, what, what?

- No, no, no, no, no. - Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, that's like, like 13 years?

Kris!

Oh no.

Oh, my vagina just shriveled up a little bit.

Hey, it's not like I could just waltz out of my apartment,

"I represent woman,"

the day after I decided to transition.

This all took a lot of work, believe me.

I believe you.

You've had your whole life

to figure out how to be a woman in society.

I had like a year.

Okay, fair.

What'd you learn?

How being a woman sucks in almost every aspect of society

for all of time.

No, it's been a really wonderful journey.

I started watching makeup tutorials online.

I went through a too much blush phase.

A too much foundation phase

where my head looked detached from the rest of my body.

I had to figure out new shoe and dress sizes,

which by the way,

aren't even consistent in the same God damn store.

I know, it's so annoying.

Hair products, how to flirt.

Oh Kris.

I'm sorry, you never knew how to flirt.

Sure, but the first few times men tried to flirt with me,

I didn't even know they were flirting.

I thought they were trying to pick a fight or something.

They would get right in my face, looming over me.

Not an easy feat, by the way.

And I would just make a tactical retreat and then run away.

And then somewhere along the line, you got.

Gender affirmation surgery.

- Mm-hm. - Yes.

10 years ago.

Was that hard?

More physical pain than I never gone through

in my entire life.

But still easily the best decision I'd ever made.

And once I started feeling better,

I went on to all the dating apps.

God, what was that like?

I got some really weird messages.

What kind of messages?

They started out with great potential

and ended up spending paragraphs

monologuing their insecurities with my phantom penis.

Well, of course.

What else would they possibly want to talk about?

They would start a message with,

"Hey, you seem really great."

"I'd love to grab a coffee."

And then out of nowhere, it's all,

"Listen, I've never been someone"

"who used to have a penis before"

"and it's like kind of a big deal, you know?"

"Does it mean I'm secretly attracted to men?"

"Am I gay?"

So I disabled all the accounts.

It's for the best.

If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

See those things,

they just turn people into objects that you rate and assess.

It's like Yelp, but for people.

Did you ever do online dating?

No.

Oh, thank God, no.

No, that was not a thing when Jim and I got together.

Besides, I don't think you could condense my essence

into a dating profile.

No, probably not.

You know what it's like?

It's like just any other social media platform.

You're basically selling like this fake version of yourself.

And the dangerous part

is that you actually start to believe your own bullshit.

Also, there's this ton of creeps.

Oh my God, yes.

There are so many dudes out there

who have an Asian woman fetish.

Or a trans fetish.

It's like a fucked up form of racism, right?

Still, when you meet the right person,

it's special.

Yeah.

You know, when I first met Jim,

I thought everything about him was wonderful and exciting.

I mean,

there were some things that were questionable of course,

but I just wrote them off as his weird little quirks.

I thought that they would go away or mellow out with time,

but instead they just sort of settle into place.

Like, I don't know, like sediment into river water.

Mm, sure he can't be that bad.

I mean honestly,

we get along the best when our schedules are the opposite.

Like he'll go away for work for a few weeks

and then I'll go visit my aunt in San Diego,

'cause yeah, I need a little space.

You know, I need my alone time.

Mm-hm.

It's just like Jim is one of those guys

who just needs to talk all the time.

Even when he's saying something very nice,

he still sounds like he's nagging.

I'll be like trying to take a power nap

and he'll just like hover over me.

Like, "Hey hon, uh,"

"did you put the laundry in the dryer?"

"Hon, where are the kids?"

"Hey hon, did you call Sandy"

"about dinner plans on Sunday night?"

I mean, it's just like on and on and on.

I hear you.

I don't think he's ever understood my need to be alone.

I mean, that's how I recharge my batteries, you know?

It's like sometimes I need to hide in the bathroom

just to get some alone time so I can read.

I'm sure it's tough in the moment,

but when you look back, it'll all be worth it.

You know, honestly,

you were the most thoughtful partner I'd ever had.

I'm serious.

You always took me out on dates.

You always held the door for me.

You made sure our anniversaries were special.

I suppose I was thinking about

how I would want to be treated.

I have to say, having lived on both sides,

I think women tend to be more in tune

with other people's needs.

Men try, they do try,

but somehow their needs tend to come first.

Have you experimented with women since transitioning?

Uh, there was this one cute lady at a pool party.

I think she had a bit of a crush on me.

Mm-hm.

So she used the line,

"We should just to make sure you're not attracted to girls."

And I said yes, and, eh.

Just man, huh?

Yup.

What was your first time like with the-

- Mark. - Yeah.

I'd spent so long imagining, fantasizing really,

about what it would be like.

It was hard for me to let go and just enjoy myself.

Well, best case scenario with a guy,

I mean your first time, it's just awkward as hell.

And you know,

it's just like you're in your head the entire time

over analyzing everything.

True.

But as you know,

relationships are all about communication, and we-

- You learned to communicate.

Something like that.

You know, my first time with a guy

was not as romantic as I wanted it to be.

You know, honestly men,

they're just like horny little Jack rabbits, you know?

They just want to like hump you until they come.

Was I a horny little Jack rabbit?

No.

I mean, not always.

You, you, you were very, you're very attentive.

So tell me what is more difficult,

being trans or being a woman?

Being a woman.

As soon as I transitioned, pew!

Oh my God, I knew it.

See, I tell all my guy friends about this.

None of them believe me about, you know, male privilege.

Work is the worst now.

In case you're somehow unaware.

I'm very aware.

The tech world is rampant with woman haters

and sexist a-holes.

Preach.

I literally feel invisible.

Like I'd be in a meeting,

and as soon as I open my mouth,

some guy starts speaking over me.

Of course, yeah.

Then I continue speaking

and their simple minded ID offer response is to get louder.

I don't know how you dealt with it your whole life, Nae.

You need to spread the word.

You need to do a PSA.

You need to write a blog post or something,

'cause men need to know.

Well, I'm in the same boat as you now.

Even my progressive male friends don't fully believe me.

I mean, Kris, I told you this in college.

You didn't believe me.

See how real that privilege is?

You feel it?

What?

- Oh my God. - Oh shit.

Talking about privilege.

Naomi Liu?

Oh my God, hi.

Hello, gorgeous.

Hello.

Oh my God,

you finally made it out to Congregation

after all my invites.

Is your hubby around, or?

No.

What's his name again?

- It's Jim. - It doesn't matter.

Must be out with some hot date, huh?

And who is this charming young lady?

Mm, uh.

This is a friend of mine.

She's a visiting from out of town.

Well, she should visit more often.

Especially if it means getting you out of the office.

Do you know that I have not seen this woman

out in the real world in years?

I mean years.

I mean.

Yes, yes, yes, I know.

The kids, the husband, the art thing.

You're a very important lady.

I'm not-

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no.

Don't do that to yourself.

Naomi has two young boys at home

and a husband to look after.

And she's a very talented artist and a wonderful professor.

Thank you.

Um, who are you here to see?

Oh, I'm meeting a, a student.

Oh.

One minute.

Hm, in your class right now?

No, she graduated actually last spring.

She's in the master's program.

She wanted my thoughts on her thesis paper.

I, I was very moved.

You know, I like to follow up with my students.

Offer my services,

see if there's any ways that I can provide guidance.

That's nice.

This is gonna sound corny but it's true.

I believe that what you put out into the world,

you get back a hundred fold.

I really do.

Speaking of, if you're still in town tomorrow,

you should let me take you out.

They say I'm an excellent tour guide.

I know all the best spots.

Thank you, but I'll be driving back to LA tonight.

So I really won't have the time.

Oh.

I can see when I'm not needed.

Oh really?

So, all right, fair enough.

I'll let you ladies get back to your evening.

Thank you.

But if you are ever in Chandler again,

you should look me up.

Professor Peter Gleason, Poli-Sci.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I just realized I never got your name.

Uh, Kris.

Kris.

Hm.

Well okay.

Ladies.

See you at work on Monday.

Okay.

Do not have too much fun without me.

Okay.

Let the drinking slash office hours begin, huh?

Fuck.

I never imagined I'd ever see Peter again.

Thank God he didn't recognize me.

Ew.

Ew, ew.

Those horrible memories are coming back to me.

And he still thinks he's the most important guy on campus.

Sometimes,

I wonder if I would have ended up like that if I hadn't.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Kris, you were never that bad.

Thank you.

Do you want another drink?

Definitely.

I think you need another drink.

I'll be back.

Don't have too much fun without me.

I won't.

Thank you.

Peter is waving at us.

Oh God.

He likes you.

Uh, he loves you.

You're his new girlfriend.

So, I've shown some of my cis guy friends

an animated video of gender affirmation surgery.

You know, just to fuck with them.

You're so bad.

They're slicing open the testicles,

and there's a CGI hand pulling stuff out

like some demented, freaking cartoon.

And so one of my friends is watching

and he starts screaming at the top of his lungs.

"It's making them happy!"

"This is what they want!"

"Modern medicine is amazing!"

"Nobody's getting hurt."

You should've seen his face as he was saying it.

He was in pain just at the thought of it.

I think he actually described the operation

as balloon animal stuff.

Wait, I know all about balloon animals.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Men.

Men.

Yeah but, men.

- You know? - Yeah.

Some of your students?

I don't know.

They all start to look the same after a while.

I still can't believe you're a teacher.

Professor.

So respectable, you've come so far.

It makes me seem like a real grownup, right?

Must be rewarding working with such bright young minds.

So much potential.

You know, when you and I were together,

I always had this dream

of building up my artistic reputation.

I remember.

Maybe after I had some patrons

and I was really established in the artist community,

then I would set up residency

at one of those old Victorian boarding homes.

Like some artistic think tank.

Yeah, it would be filled with all of these true artists

and we would just spend all of our time

having these like invigorating conversations about life

and how to affect change

and shape the world through our art.

And then eventually, like eventually.

Like the years later, much later,

I would, I might transition into teaching.

I might transition to teaching.

Don't look at me like that.

I think they're very lucky to have you here at CC.

I do not feel very lucky.

I feel like my entire life has been nothing

but just like a series of setbacks.

These kids.

God, there's no thought in their art.

You know, there's no fire.

It's like, it's like punching a wet fucking sand bag.

That does sound pretty frustrating.

And you know,

critiquing their art is like the worst

because you still have to say something.

They take everything so personally, you know?

It's like some kids, they're really like,

they're precious little snowflakes.

Sorry.

I suppose.

But you don't just help your students with their artwork.

You're inspiring them to grow as human beings.

That's important.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I've never been inspiring to anyone.

Kris, do you know where I live?

I live in one of those horrible cookie cutter neighborhoods

that you and I used to make fun of.

Oh, I've always thought those neighborhoods were charming.

There are worse places to live.

Yeah, sure, okay.

It's just so fucking boring, you know?

They're like, just ordinary.

Do you know what I miss?

I miss doing like weird random shit, okay?

Like look at you.

You've completely reinvented yourself.

I guess.

No, no, I mean that as a compliment.

I'm jealous of you.

You, you completely went after what you wanted.

This isn't what I wanted, Nae.

It wasn't a want.

It was survival.

I wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't transitioned.

People always say transitioning is so brave.

I just don't think of it that way.

Yeah, that's a fair point.

And beside being trans, I live a pretty normal life.

I mean, just because you have a house,

a husband and two beautiful children

doesn't mean you aren't interesting or unique.

There's some days when I think

I'm just turning into like my dad with his photography.

There were so many things that I um,

that I gave him shit about when I was growing up,

but now I understand.

I wanted to say this earlier.

I was so sorry to hear about his passing.

Thank you.

How are your parents?

How are Mina and Cyrus?

They're great.

Mom has been volunteering

at one of the local Boys and Girls clubs.

The children are completely obsessed with her.

Well, naturally.

It's no surprise since she stuffs her purse with candy.

Oh.

She's even got dad to go with her.

A whole class full of surrogate grandchildren.

I'm very surprised

that they haven't stolen one of them yet.

I can't deny, they're so good with kids.

When we were together,

they were always asking

about when we were going to settle down and start a family.

Well, that clearly would never have worked.

They're really great people though.

They're gonna make great grandparents one day.

I got to run to the bathroom.

Oh my God, I do, too.

Uh-huh.

Hey, how far are we from the campus?

Like 10 Minutes.

Why?

Want to swing by CC.

Revisit the old stomping grounds.

Oh my God.

Really, right now?

Yeah.

You could show me your office.

You said you have a new performance piece you're working on.

I do.

You could show me your student's art work.

We could reminisce about the good old times.

You know what?

I'm going to text my mother-in-law

and see if she wants to spend the night.

Oh, Martin.

Naomi.

Hey, how are you?

Doing good.

It's really good to see you.

Good to see you as well.

- I'm sorry, I just got a text. - No worries.

This is my friend, Kris.

She actually went to CC.

She's visiting from Phoenix.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Likewise.

You're gonna have to excuse her.

She's a little shaken up

because we just ran into Peter in there.

Oh no.

Professor Peter Gleason, Poli Sci.

- Here's my card. - Professor Sleazon, ugh.

Please do not judge all professors by his example.

I beg you.

I do not.

Martin's actually one of our top literature professors.

He just wrote a book

that's on the New York Times bestseller list.

Naomi, it's just a small book, personal essays.

It's nothing special.

- It's nothing special? - No.

Martin, it is the New York Times bestseller list, come on.

Okay.

His work is really incredible.

She's too kind.

Kris is, she's like a tech wiz.

She's really into computers and stuff.

Well, now I must admit,

I still find computers and technology

to be a bit intimidating.

My entire family's super tech savvy

and I'm the one and only hold out.

He's a true Luddite.

I mean, what can I say?

I enjoy my typewriter as opposed to a laptop any day.

It still works and it hasn't broken yet, so.

Maybe one of these days you can give me some pointers

on this tech lingo.

Oh, I'm the last person to give anybody a tutorial.

That's really-

- Oh, I'm sure you're brilliant.

Oh no, I'm not.

Well how about we start

with like a terabyte versus a gigabyte.

What's the?

Oh, that's easy.

Anybody can look that up online.

Well when you forget your username and password

as much as I do.

Emails, this, that, where do, I don't even.

I'd rather just stick paper in, crank it.

The sound of a space bar just gets me going.

Well you, you guys going inside, you leaving or?

I mean.

Uh, we really should be going.

But thank you, that's very sweet.

I completely understand.

You've got two little ones to tuck in tonight.

They're fine.

It was a pleasure meeting you, Kris.

I hope to see you again.

It was very nice meeting you as well, Martin.

Kris could you give you her number

'cause she is going to be here for another night.

I could give you her number.

Uh.

If, that's up, if you-

- I mean, I'm really sorry.

I really don't think I'll have the time.

No worries, no worries.

Next time.

Well you ladies have a good evening.

Get home safely, be well.

- Good night. - Good night.

Hey, why are you being so weird?

You know what?

If I was single I would be all over that.

Well, I'm not trying to, you not get with another guy.

You know, things are complicated for someone whose trans.

One nighter guys aren't really a thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, I have to get this.

One second.

Hey Nana.

Yeah, no, I got your text messages.

Still out with my friend, she's.

Wait, how long has he been crying for?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Um, no, I gotta get back.

Yeah, no, wants us there tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

I know my kids.

Okay, all right.

I'll see you soon, I'll see you soon, bye.

That was Jim's mom.

She's watching the boys tonight.

One of them woke up and he can't get back to sleep

so I gotta get home and put him to bed.

He's gonna be crazy tomorrow, so.

I had a, I had a really good time tonight.

It was really nice to see you.

And I know it's late.

You gotta get back to LA, so.

Oh no, it's no problem.

We can totally swing by the house.

I'd love to see the little ones.

Really?

Me and kids.

It shouldn't take long.

Just, I'll call us a car.

♪ Hush little baby don't say a word ♪

♪ Mama's gonna bye you a mockingbird ♪

♪ And if that mockingbird won't sing ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪

♪ And if that diamond ring won't brass ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass ♪

♪ And if that looking glass gets broke ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy you ♪

♪ And if that Billy goat ♪

Have a really beautiful family.

I know this isn't exactly how you pictured the future to be,

but I hope you don't forget how special it is.

I never thought you'd have kids before me.

I wasn't even sure I wanted kids.

They were such a mystery to me.

Nothing like having two of them to dispel all that.

You were always the one who fell to pieces around them.

Make that squeaking whenever you saw them.

God, you're such a girl.

I can't help myself.

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe it sounds a bit old fashioned to say this, but,

is there really anything more fulfilling

than being a mother?

You know, when Nathan was three,

he got into my acrylic paints.

God, I was so scared.

We had to take him to the hospital.

We had to call poison control.

That day I really felt like I had failed as a mom.

I mean, I love those boys, you know, more than anything,

but sometimes I wonder if I'd just be better off as an aunt,

and don't even get me started on being pregnant.

I mean, they say that there's nothing more natural

than growing something inside of you, but it's like.

I'll never know what that's like.

Trust me, you really don't need to know.

Between the bloating and the morning sickness,

the postpartum depression.

I mean, you're essentially carrying something

like the size of a bowling ball for months.

Your body and your boobs, they're never the same.

Not every woman needs to go through all of that.

Yeah.

Just wish I had the choice.

When I was younger,

I used to pray every night

that by the time I got my surgery,

that uterine transplants were finally possible.

Science just hasn't quite caught up yet.

Well you could always adopt.

I mean, Jim's adopted and his family is-

- Eh, I know.

I just always wanted to have my own biological children.

You saved your sperm, right?

When I first came out,

things were pretty rocky between my parents and me.

I mean, we're good now,

but they've always wanted grandchildren, as you know.

My father is the only son in his family,

so our family name might die with him.

So as part of the condition

to get their approval to start transitioning,

I was to make a deposit to a sperm bank.

Not that I wouldn't have done it anyway.

But they say there's no point in having your sperm frozen

for longer than 15 years.

It's already been 14, so.

About a year ago,

I noticed my parents went from saying

"We want grandchildren one day,"

to "We used to on grandchildren."

It's a relief, really.

To know they don't carry

those expectations around with them anymore.

Remember that night sophomore year?

We were coming back from Jeremy's house party.

I think it was this neighborhood.

Must have been February,

'cause we were all wearing our big jackets.

God, we were so high.

Everyone wanted to hide in their rooms.

But you, Naomi Liu,

decided that we all needed to go around

tagging the campus buildings.

I'd never done anything like that before in my life,

or since, really.

That night was so crazy.

Even the air smells the same.

Wow, you have some amazing students.

Who did this?

This is Harzan's.

He's actually trans.

Well, he seems really talented.

Yeah, he's got a long career ahead of him.

Well I think he's very lucky to have you as a teacher.

Being in here feels like visiting another lifetime,

like a parallel universe.

We used to have some amazing times in here.

Talking until four in the morning,

arguing about art and politics.

We thought we had the answers to everything.

Do you remember our last night together before you left?

Yeah, I mean, sure, of course.

But we don't have to talk about that.

Well that's very typical of you.

I'm sorry?

You're always avoiding any type of conflict.

I'm not avoiding conflict.

I just don't see why you're bringing that up.

Well, it's not like I could bring it up before.

Guess you made sure of that.

Come on, Naomi.

It's been a good night.

Your parents didn't know what was going on with you.

Only that you were taking time to just be alone and think,

get some help.

Can't we just-

- You know that you left your stuff?

All of your clothes.

And I didn't know what to do with them.

I didn't know whether I should just throw them out.

Should I keep them?

Naomi.

You left me, Kris.

You left me like I was a stranger.

Not like somebody that you said that you loved.

Okay.

Okay.

I apologized for what I did and I will say it again.

I take responsibility for that choice.

And I'd like to think that we can move on

and go back to being friends.

Why do you fucking keep saying that we were friends?

We were never friends.

We were friends for like what?

It was like a week, a week.

We were friends for a week

before we started to hook up.

I'm just saying we had a solid foundation of friendship.

Stop pretending that we didn't have a relationship.

Oh my God.

You always fucking do this.

You always fucking do this.

You're always looking at the brighter side of things.

And that's such a bad thing?

Yeah, it is if you cannot look at things as they are,

as they really are.

What did you even learn in therapy all those years?

- God. - Plenty.

Well, you can't rewrite history, Kris, okay.

Like the way you did tonight on the way here,

when you were talking about tagging.

And, so, what?

You left out the most important part of the story.

My friend, Jillian,

she was sexually assaulted and that's why we were out there.

We were putting up statistics.

Not 'cause we were trying to be edgy.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Did you forget about that?

Yeah, no, we weren't doing that

just so you could have a fun experience.

That, that, that's really unfair.

I mean, just because I had a positive experience that night

doesn't mean I'm trivializing what happened to Jillian.

I mean, if it wasn't for my positive attitude,

I probably would be dead by now.

I'm sorry I can't be more bitter about things like you.

Really, that's how it is?

Well, my life didn't even begin

until 14 fucking years ago.

Do you have any idea how that completely erases everything

that you and I have been through together?

Everything that I've been through?

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Listen, I came here with the best of intentions,

but clearly there is nothing I can say or do

that will make you happy.

I'm exhausted.

I think I should probably just leave.

I really wanted tonight to go differently.

You're just gonna leave.

Oh, okay.

Well I guess some things never change, huh?

Like you changed, Naomi?

I mean literally you've been complaining all night

about your life, your job, your marriage,

even your children, like somehow they're responsible.

Of course I'm never going to satisfy you, who does?

Oh thank you for reminding me

that my life's not satisfying.

I'm sorry, not everyone can be perfect like you.

It's not perfect.

I still can't look at myself in the mirror

because I still see the body I used to have.

That can't be erased.

These shoulders, these hands, this voice.

I hate so much of me, there.

You just need to put yourself out there.

Like tonight, I saw what you did with Martin.

Okay, no wait a minute.

He was ready to ask you out

and you completely shut him down.

It's not that simple, okay?

This is probably why your last relationship failed,

because you ruin everything that's good in your life.

If you must know, Mark wanted to have children,

and I could not give that to him.

So it seemed unfair for us to stay together.

And I made the difficult choice to.

At least I tried.

You, you just gave up and settled.

I mean, how is married life, Naomi?

Are you giving me marriage advice?

This is coming from the woman

who's had like one relationship in the last 10 years.

Okay, so just because you don't like a few things,

you're gonna write off your whole marriage, your family.

No, no, you're the one who writes things off

and you're the one who walks away

and you're the one who, who leaves relationships, okay?

- Because- - Oh for fuck's sake,

just let it go already!

People break up every day

and move on with their fucking lives.

Why can't you?

You decided to live in Chandler.

You decided to get married and have children.

So don't blame me for your fucking failure of a life!

I was pregnant.

What?

I, when I started to miss my period,

I didn't want to believe it.

I mean the last thing I wanted to believe

was that I was pregnant after.

So I took a test 'cause I was getting sick in the mornings

and smelling my paints was bothering me.

I was dealing with our breakup and-

- What did you do?

I felt like I didn't have a choice,

so I decided not to keep it.

And that was the single hardest...

I,

had a child?

I had a child.

You,

you got a second chance.

You have two beautiful children.

How was I supposed to know

that you weren't able to have a child, okay?

You didn't tell me about this.

This wasn't something that we discussed.

This made sense to me, okay?

Fuck you.

This is so much bigger than you.

Fuck.

This is so much bigger than, enough!

Fuck you!

You didn't have the right!

I had every fucking right!

It was inside of me, it was a part of me,

and I'm the one who gave it up!

You just wanted a way out.

An excuse for why your life is so shitty.

You're just now trying to hurt me one last time.

You did all of this for yourself, Naomi.

No, I told you because I wanted you to know

what you did to me.

You want to know why?

Your life isn't that fucking tragic.

They are plenty of places,

there are plenty of people

who would accept you for who you are.

But instead you choose to live in some nowhere little town

and you spout off all this bullshit

about rainbows and sunshine.

How everything is so great.

But really on the inside you're the same.

You're a fucking coward.

You just run for the exit

any time life rears its ugly little head.

Here's the truth.

You are never going to be a mother.

'Cause you can't unfuck what you did to our relationship.

So you're never gonna be a real woman.

Not in the way you want to be.

Your always gonna be incomplete.

You're the one with the sad life story.

I know you want to point that finger to everyone else.

Your students, your failed marriage,

your responsibilities, me.

But you have no one to blame except yourself.

I may have spent the last 15 years

rebuilding my life from the ground up,

but I still have more to show than you.

Now that's pathetic.

It's no wonder you don't perform anymore.

You can't.

Because that would require you to take a long,

hard, look at yourself in the mirror,

because as you always said,

"Art requires truth."

And you haven't had any truth in your life

for a very, very long time.

Thank you for coming everyone.

This is for Kris.

For your tiny hands caressed you honest cheek.

For your sleepy eyes looked upon the crescent moon.

It seems like.

Before your happy smile and sunshine through dark places,

the whole world waited for you to change it.

Before your soft feet hopped upon the morning grass.

Before your silky hair danced with an autumn breeze.

Before your curious mind daydreamed of new beginnings.

The whole world still waited for you to change it.

It did.

It was waiting for you to change it.

Ah.

You're so good with the kids.

When are you gonna have some of your own?

I don't know if I will.

Maybe that's okay.

They're adorable.

On guard!

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull