Original subtitles

Set portside jettison. Hit that baby!

We just jettisoned from the portside airlocks.

We're gonna be home in six months, baby!

No, the whole point

is to jettison from the back of the ship

because that's what pushes you forwards.

You have knocked us off course.

BILLIE MCEVOY: Our new trajectory, eight years.

(ALL SCREAM)

-Don't touch my stuff! -(ALL SCREAM)

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) ...stand on deck four. Please report to reception.

-(PASSENGERS CHATTERING QUIETLY) -Welcome.

RYAN CLARK: Yeah, I have seen the actual security footage.

-ELENA: Of you? -RYAN: Yes. Yes.

Climbing into a dumpster like a raccoon?

(CHUCKLES) Like-- like an inebriated, sexy raccoon.

-Ooh, my kind of raccoon. -(LAUGHS)

ELENA: The chicken's good.

-It's not bad, is it? -ELENA: Yeah.

When you think that it's just reconstituted eel protein,

it's actually-- it's actually all right.

But are the portions getting smaller?

No, I think you're just eating it from farther away,

-so it looks... (CHUCKLES) -(CHUCKLES)

But we've got enough for, like, the next four weeks?

-Definitely. -ELENA: Yeah.

We've got beef and chicken coming out of our ears.

Coming out of our eels, in fact.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I love it when you talk eels to me.

-Because I am captain... -ELENA: Yeah?

...anything I say is automatically seductive.

-Hmm. -Pass the salt.

Oh, yeah, condiment man.

Afraid grandma's not gonna make it.

Oh, poor grandma.

Honey, I'm filing for divorce.

Oh. I'm sorry. That was... (GROANS)

Captain Blunder Gob strikes again.

No, no, it's okay. Ignore my face.

Charles is history. He jumped ship a long time ago, so...

I'm sorry, I'm just so--

I'm so not match fit at this kind of thing.

No, you really are.

FRANK KELLY: (OVER TV) I made these waffles this morning.

-And look at that. -(CHUCKLES) He's so funny.

-You got your batter. -RYAN: There he goes.

We got our ice cube tray for the mold.

RYAN: Doing recipes out of bits of his cabin.

And pour the mixture onto our preheated iron.

-The kids love his show. -So do I.

-ELENA: Do you? -I absolutely love it.

It sounds crazy, but crazy happens

when you crank up the Frank.

And the kids, I'd love to get to know them better.

Give them a tour of the ship.

Oh, my God, the kids would love that.

So maybe this could be more than four weeks?

I think it could be a lot more than four weeks.

-Yeah. -(CELLPHONE RINGING)

-I think I should get this. -Mm-hmm.

Hey, Ryan, uh, this is just your daily reminder

to tell the passengers that they're gonna be stuck

on this elegant space finger for nearly a decade.

It's Matt.

You know, I'm going to put this on do-not-disturb.

MATT SPENCER: Well, they seem to be taking it well.

-What? -Did he tell you?

Uh, no-- no, I was just--

-Would you excuse me a moment? -Sure.

(SINGING) ♪ It's time For a royal announcement ♪

-No, no, no. (LAUGHS) -ELENA: Oh, my God, what is it?

-Duty calls. Duty howls, in fact. -Thank you.

You have to tell the truth, Ryan.

Should I use a more aggressive tack?

Because I find that British people

often respond better to abuse than encouragement.

Now, look, Matt,

you telling me that my breath smells like a cat's back passage

is not gonna make me tell them any quicker.

Okay, just humor me.

Craptain Ryan, Craptain Lying.

RYAN: Oh, is this-- You've started, have you?

-Mm-hmm. -All right.

Yeah, you depressed, anorexic Santa Claus.

-That's what you are. -RYAN: Mm-hmm.

How do you shave that face of lies?

-I use an electric. -Yeah?

Well, you're a pissy little mummy's boy.

-Mummy's boy! -My mother's dead.

Yes, because she hated you, so she exploded.

-Hmm. -Is this getting us anywhere?

-It's not, no, no. -Okay.

I'll tell you why. Because if I tell the passengers

that we are stuck up here for another eight years

and the food is running out,

I'm gonna become the next all-you-can-eat buffet.

I will tell them when I've seen the food shortage plan

that Rav is working on.

Ping! Sounds like Rav's food shortage plan is ready.

Yes, that is exactly what me being here signifies

and presumably what that pinging sound was about.

Oh, here's someone who knows what a long time looks like.

-(SCOFFS) -Spike Martin, come join us please.

Yes, I certainly will. Totally impromptu.

This is feeling to me like an intervention.

Ryan, it's time to retract your head from your ass.

-Don't be afraid of the truth. -I'm not afraid of the truth.

I'm just afraid of it leaving my lips.

-♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Jell-O in a shower cap mold.

Check out Frank's Kitchen every day at 3:00.

It's home cooking, without the home.

Love that jiggle.

Food's taken a dive.

I had a one-season four seasons pizza yesterday.

-Winter. -VINCE: Ah, the worst.

I like the food being all the same color.

It's less confusing for my mouth.

-God, I miss real tomatoes. -Tell me about it.

-DEVON: I know, right? -Tell me about it.

I am so desperate for... (SNIFFS)

...relatable vegetables myself.

I don't know how you're still eating that.

-You have to stop. -Well, the good news is,

is we only have to deal with four more weeks of that.

I mean, Captain Ryan would've told us if the trip

-is gonna be any longer. -VINCE: Yeah.

Unless he has a good reason not to, which he doesn't.

Not that I'd know. Why are you asking?

-Isn't this your ship? -What?

-Isn't this your ship? -Ship...

Yeah, name only.

You know, you could just as easily blame

Martin Luther King for king-sized beds.

-MADS: Blame him for kings. -Or kings.

-Or sizes. -BILLIE: Can I grab you?

Rav is ready with the food report

in the boardroom.

That sounds more like a Ryan kind of thing.

I don't even know where the, uh, boardroom is.

That's true, I was in the boardroom once,

and Mr. Judd came in, and he said,

"Oh, what is this room?"

Um, I'm not good at whatever this--

Your face-- What-- What are you doing?

Nothing. Like my role on this ship.

Well, I hear that it's good news and that you will like it.

-I should take that. -Later.

See you later.

(WHISPERING) What's the good news?

It's not good news, and the boardroom is this way.

Don't patronize me, I know where the fucking boardroom is.

Oh, my God.

Tomorrow, I'm cooking steak in a trouser press.

Remember, folks, anything can be a garnish

if you're brave enough.

(CAMERA BEEPS)

Honey, I'm done filming my show!

KAREN KELLY: It's not a show, Frank.

It's you on a video feed making popcorn with a hairdryer.

-(SIGHS) -KAREN: God, I've been here for months.

When can I leave this cabin?

You know what? I'm done.

I'm done. It's time to get out of here.

-What? No! -Let me go and talk to them.

-Honey, you can't! -I can just--

I can beg forgiveness.

I can be very, very humble when I need to be.

Do you remember when I ran over your sister's foot?

Karen, you knocked us off course for eight years. They hate you.

-They hate me? -FRANK: I... (SIGHS)

Hate is such a strong word. Uh... (SIGHS)

Which is why it's so appropriate for how they feel about you.

Okay?

I have to go bowling with the guys. I'm going to see

if they're still drawing your face on the pins.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

PASSENGER: Hey, I saw you making them waffles. They looked good.

-Didn't they? -PASSENGER: Yeah.

I'm glad you watched.

We got to get you watching, man. Come on.

Hey, new faces and some old ones I haven't seen in so long,

they seem like new ones.

Just stop it, will you? We're not buying it.

Buying what?

The whole "I don't know what's going on" thing.

Is there something going on, Ryan, that I don't know about?

Judd, shut your bit. Rav, let's hear it.

I've put some numbers into the model,

and the results are... (LAUGHS) Whoo!

Relax, nobody's gonna shoot you. You're just the messenger.

Oh, I'm sorry, I just get quite nervous when I'm...

(INHALES) ...nervous.

MATT: That's an eclectic outfit.

Are you trying to, uh, flummox predators?

All right, well, I arrived on the ship

with a limited wardrobe,

so I had to borrow a few items from the deceased.

And technically, it's not even really borrowing

'cause it's unlikely they'll want it back. They're--

-Rav, the plan. -RAV MULCAIR: Sorry, yes, okay.

(CLEARS THROAT) Obviously, we're all aware

of the food and resources shortage issue.

JUDD: No.

I'm sorry. I really am dropping it now.

RAV: And so... (CLEARS THROAT)

The passengers will be split into two groups.

The first group...

the Guaranteed...

will be fed.

The second group will be given a chance to...

manifest their own...

destiny...

sealed below deck.

RYAN: What?

That's it? That's your plan?

That we turn half the passengers into a screaming,

underfloor heating system?

Oh, this is going to put a stain on my record.

RAV: We would obviously provide them with some initial supplies,

seeds, sourdough cultures, a urine filtration system.

And then to benefit the mental health

of the Guaranteed, we would cease all communication with...

-the Pioneers. -RYAN: "Pioneers"?

What-- Pioneers of what? Pop-up cemeteries?

Okay, if you could just take some of that rage

and direct it towards the model.

Did you know about this?

I knew that we would have to make some difficult decisions.

I just didn't know it'd be explained with stickers.

Why would people do this?

Uh, you said there'd be no judgement here.

That was before you suggested industrial slaughter.

I have a question. What the fuck?

Look, I don't like this, but something's got to give.

-It's either die or die. -I vote against Rav's plan.

Okay, but yeah, let's not call Rav's plan "Rav's Plan."

-Okay, stop saying "Rav's plan." -RYAN: What would you prefer?

"Rav Mulcair's Festival of Murder"?

Look, is it not better that half of us die quickly

than that all of us starve slowly,

-just to play devil's advocate? -RYAN: And that's okay, is it?

Advocating for the devil. I'm not sure if you're aware,

Matt, but the devil's generally agreed to be a bad egg.

Well, thanks, Rav.

Turns out it's not so easy, is it?

Raining blood on people's dreams?

SPIKE MARTIN: You're gonna have to tell them

we're not going home in a month, Ryan.

Yes, that is something I do know.

Not going to do it. You can't make me tell them.

I'm going to go and gargle some bleach now,

so my voice box packs in.

No, that will actually kill you.

RYAN: Added bonus.

♪ (MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

If these are the Heavens, Mr. Judd, are we then gods?

-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) -Or stardust returning home?

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

DAWN DJOPI: After a freak accident, Avenue 5 is stuck in space,

but a new streaming drama imagining life on the ship

-is fuckin' hella trending. -(GLASS SHATTERS)

Iris, turn around. Talk to me. Let me see your lying face!

-(GRUNTS) -Is that what you wanted?

(SPITS)

Who are you?

Now, we're gonna meet a real-life survivor

and all-around girly boss bad bitch, Iris Kimura.

-Whoo! -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-BAT SHIT: Hi, Dawn. -Come on, some love!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (COUGHS)

SHARTINGQUEEN: Your cough is the best.

The government has abandoned us, and we need your--

-DAWN: Iris, spill the tea. -Yeah.

Is the real Avenue 5 anything like this new streaming drama?

Well, the real captain has a beard.

(LAUGHS) And, uh, I'm here.

-DAWN: Yeah. -You know, not in space, uh--

DALAI LAME-ASS: I don't get it.

But-- but more importantly, the government has abandoned us,

-and we need-- -Don't fuck off while she's talking.

Stick around. In thirty minutes,

I will be unpacking a suitcase I found on my driveway.

ILIKECLIMATECHANGE: I love suitcases.

Back to Iris.

Uh, yes, the-- the government has abandoned us,

so we need to fund a--

JOHN-THE-BAP-FIST: Fuck the government.

Yes, John-The-Bap-Fist, uh, I'm here to raise awareness,

-by which I mean money. And-- -HELPMESWIM: Show us your feet.

Really? Are they gonna keep interrupting every time--

Why are the comms down, Iris?

-I-- I don't know. -DAWN: Spit it, sister.

Well, because the comms are down,

-I don't-- It's hard to-- -DAWN: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

LORDBACKSIDE: Why doesn't her face move?

-(DAWN LAUGHS) -I can move my face.

-DAWN: Show 'em, Iris. -No.

DAWN: Do it.

TEMPURASAM: Will she take the cheese cracker challenge then?

-Yes. -No. No.

DAWN: How are the passengers coping with the news

they're stuck for eight years?

STINKYRICK: Did they freak the fuck out?

They took it with dignity, StinkyRick.

I mean, I imagine. I wasn't there.

And also, the comms are down.

Right, but they know they're stuck for eight years.

They-- they have been told.

-(SLURPS) -♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪

Should we do the, uh, just do the cracker challenge now,

-get it over with? -She wants those crackers.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Question one. If you could go back in time

and murder one historical figure,

who would it be?

Jay Leno.

♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

RAV: I mean, you can only work with the options you're given.

Mass death or selective death.

There's no vegan option. I'm sorry.

But I do think we owe it to the passengers

to prepare them for the possibility

-that it's gonna be eight years. -RAV: No.

-Let's utterly not do that. -MATT: Yeah, I'm going to.

(WHISPERING) What the shaved dickens are you doing?

-Sir, hey. -No! (COUGHS)

We are doing a little survey of the passengers...

-Hi. -...about what they are

least looking forward to back on Earth.

There's nothing I'm not looking forward to.

I hate it up here. Breathing recycled farts.

Well, that was a lovely chat. (WHISPERING) Let's go.

No, no, no. Come on, come on.

Maybe there's a coworker you work with, right?

Where you think, "Ugh, if I didn't see that prick again

for eight years, that would be perfect."

What? Eight years? That's a crazy number.

Sorry, what is this?

This? This is just a short, one-question hypothetical.

That was great feedback.

Oh, you want some feedback?

The kettle in my cabin stopped whistling.

It just splutters like a sea otter being choked out.

Um, so there's a suggestion box

-on, um, deck five. -'Course there is.

-RAV: Off you go. -CHARLES: Thanks.

The dumpling mold is the pocket of your pants.

Just make sure you're not wearing the pants.

Hey, Rav, what if we used Frank

to tell the passengers about the eight years?

Frank, the guy who made a haggis in a condom?

Yeah, it was delicious.

His show has reach, right? We could use him

to help the passengers acclimate to the coming blunder-fuck.

♪ (TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Sorry about earlier -Which earlier?

Yeah, good point. All of them, I suppose.

Everything all right with the eels?

Apart from the fact that we get all our food from them.

Yeah, they're still not reproducing at the rate

that we need them to,

so we may have to stimulate reproduction.

Manually? Like-- like they do with horses?

Yeah, not totally out of the question.

RYAN: No, I would say that it is,

but that's because I'd always imagined my fate hinging

on something nobler than wanking an eel.

But there you go.

Life is pain.

I've got to go and tell the passengers.

-BILLIE: You're what? -RYAN: Yep.

I'm going to tell them that we're not going to get home

-for eight years. -Really?

You're gonna do it? You-- You-- You're gonna tell them?

I am resisting with every fiber of my being,

which is how I know it's the right thing to do.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Wow, that could be a mob.

Sweetie, you should go hide in the bathroom.

Nice. Put the troll back in the cave.

-Hi. -FRANK: Hey.

Bit of an urgent situation.

We were wondering if you would do some public outreach work

for us on your show.

Consider it done, of course. Yeah, happy to.

-RAV: Well, thank you. -Yeah, um--

Hold on, why would you wanna use Frank?

-Oh, God. -KAREN: I mean, his audience must be tiny,

and I'm guessing most of them watch it on mute, so...

All right, sweetie, why don't you

maybe go take a nap or write in your penance journal.

Okay?

Okay, the-- the passengers love Frank,

so we can use that to tell the people

that it's gonna be eight years till we're back to Earth.

(SIGHS) Everyone knows we're eight years from Earth.

I mean, why would you pick at that scab?

Exactly, that's why we need Frank to soften--

-Wait, sorry. -I'm sorry?

-You think the passengers know? -Of course they know.

That's why Frank's bricked me up in here,

-'cause everybody blames me. -Oh, my God.

-Hmm. -You kept her in here?

Uh, kept-- kept is-- That's a strong word.

It's-- it's like a shrouding.

KAREN: Wait a minute.

The passengers don't know? Ryan hasn't told them yet?

No, they think we're four weeks from Earth because of you.

Karen, you could be out there living like a GI

who liberated Paris right now with garlands of flowers

and multiple STDs.

You told me

that I couldn't leave the cabin because the passengers wanted

to use my sphincter as a hockey puck.

-RAV: Ooh. -I was protecting her.

It's like, you know,

sometimes the best way of protecting someone

-is by subjugating them. -Oh, Frank.

Okay, but, Frank, the vow is "to have and to hold," right?

-Not "hold hostage." -It's always the quiet ones.

FRANK: I just had the chance to be me.

-What? -FRANK: I know now that that was wrong.

(BREATHES HEAVILY) I have to tell these guys the truth.

-Everybody needs to know. -FRANK: No! No, no, no.

RAV: No, look, I don't deal well with chaos!

Um, please, can somebody get me a weighted blanket

and a red inhaler?

You're gonna be inhaling my red fist...

(SQUEALS)

KAREN: ...if somebody doesn't bring me Captain Ryan

-right here, right now! -RAV: Help.

Wow, I am so proud of you.

Well, that's a first.

Yeah, it's like watching my child learn how to walk.

But how you gonna tell 'em?

Uh, I was thinking very badly.

No, no, no. Come on. You're gonna be great.

You want to rehearse the whole thing with me?

No thanks. You don't rehearse expelling kidney stones.

No, I just, uh, I've got to go in there and just do it.

Yes. You just got to do it. You just got to take the leap,

-and you got to just do it! -I'm going to do it!

You tell the truth, and you make me proud!

-I'm gonna make myself proud. -Yes.

I'm gonna confront all my weaknesses.

All previous wrongs will be corrected.

Karen has entered the game.

After I've dealt with this.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-TV JUDD: What is it, Iris? -Is this love? What we have?

If love is mostly darkness, yes.

-♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES OVER TV) ♪ -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-Oh. -(TV TURNS OFF)

LORI HERNANDEZ: Uh, we saw the interview.

Fun, right?

You don't think the lighting made me look severe?

-LORI: Uh... -LUCAS SATO: Yeah, just put it down there.

Can I help you?

LUCAS: Uh, no, I'm good.

Oh, God, that is-- that is well gone.

Get me a ginger snap and an update.

Okay, take the science project and go home.

I say home. I assume wherever you sleep has a license plate.

Okay, first up, I'm here to fix the delay with the ship's comms.

I like the delay.

This is an algorithm generator. It analyses your chat profile

to accurately predict what you're going to say,

and then says it.

All you need is a big enough user data set.

So, if you'd pass me your tablet?

-Under no circumstances. -Okay, give me your tablet.

Absolutely. There you are.

-What are you-- -(KEYBOARD TAPPING)

See, it now knows enough about Alan

to predict how he'll respond in any situation.

Try it. Have a chat.

I don't chat with Alan.

Oh, go on. Cross something off your bucket list.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi.

That's it? Hi?

How are you?

Uh, nervous.

Anything else to say for yourself?

Yes. Can I go now?

That was uncanny.

Except I would have started with "Can I go now?"

Right.

What is that, your victim's ears?

LUCAS: Ah, there it is.

You're from the Office of the Other President?

TOTOPOTUS, yeah. You'd think I'd buy a nicer tie.

I'm just, uh, accessing the ship's comms.

-IRIS KIMURA: Uh, uh, no-- -LORI: Um...

LUCAS: Yep. As I thought.

Someone, I'm guessing you and Judd, turned off comms.

You're not authorized to think that.

LUCAS: So those passengers, they don't know they're marooned

in space for eight years. Well, this is a ball ache.

I think you need to go, now, to hell.

On behalf of TOTOPOTUS,

I'm commandeering your operation.

The room is ours.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(OFFICIALS CLAMORING) -LORI: Uh...

-Up, up, up. -LORI: No, no.

LUCAS: Yeah, just, uh, harvest it. Take it all.

Hey! Those are our wires! You don't deserve them!

Oh, no, they're mine now.

And I'm reopening comms with Avenue 5.

So you've got 30 minutes until showtime. (CLAPS)

And this is the bridge, I think.

I don't actually know. I've never been here before.

Oh. What's the maximum speed of this craft?

Good question. What a good question.

And one I wish I could answer, but I feel like it would be

culturally insensitive to our captain,

Captain Ryan, who is in charge of this ship and this voyage

and any changes that happen to the voyage

that cannot be known by us, or specifically by me.

-Okay? You getting all that? -DEVON: I think so.

-(DEVICE BUZZES) -What is that? What do--

How do I get rid of this?

-Iris? -It's me.

Got some new tech to fix the delay.

Predicts your speech by collating everything you ever said,

then predicts what you're gonna say.

Cool. Um, how much money do I have left? Please say lots.

You have enough to eat. Be happy.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome back, Iris.

Restoring smart-seat to your default settings.

JUDD: Are you calling me from the toilet?

When I do that, I'm a goddamn animal.

The Office of the Other POTUS know we've been blocking the comms.

JADEN: What?

They're switching them back on.

And I'm calling you from, not during.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Your pH levels are normal.

Oh, that's ironic,

since you're kind of acidic as a person.

Wait. You've been blocking the comms?

Ryan needs to tell everyone

they're stuck up there for eight years.

We're not almost home?

Oh, shit, she's not supposed to know that.

Oh, that's not me confirming the information, by the way.

But they need to be told in a sensitive way.

That's great. You mean like this?

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Hey, Cap! When we're home,

I'm getting a tattoo of you on my glute.

That is so humbling.

Hey. Whoa, Captain, where's the fire? (CHUCKLES)

Uh... Oh, Spike, can you give these guys

a VIP tour of the bridge? Would that be okay?

For sure. Come on. Let's go eat space!

Are you delegating spending time with us?

-No. -Yeah.

Spike is the best...

that we have.

She said eight years.

No, I think you misheard. I believe she said eight...

Eight ears. She had eight ears.

His English is not good English.

DEVON: I heard what she said, and that wasn't it.

MADS: She's a hologram. She's not a real person, by definition.

-DEVON: Okay, but I definitely heard her say-- -JUDD: She's not a real person.

You guys don't want to watch an argument about reality.

-Let's check out something cooler. -Is there gonna be a fight?

Well, if there is, we do not have tickets.

Hey, kids, how about some hot chocolate with sprinkles?

Hmm? Man, I wish we had some.

Ryan, is it true?

That nobody knows we're here for eight years?

See, I-- I thought I was doing the passengers a service.

They've had five months

in a state of blissful ignorance.

KAREN: How could you do that to me

after all we've been through together?

We haven't been through anything together.

FRANK: Exactly.

(SIGHS)

You are a small, small man.

And I am going to grate you...

like a nutmeg.

Honey, what are you-- (SCREAMS) No, no! (SCREAMS)

-RAV: Um, do something. -Nah, um...

FRANK: No! (SCREAMS)

-RYAN: No, no. -RAV: Go on. You're a captain.

If you can marry people, you can restrain them as well.

-(FRANK SCREAMS) -RYAN: That's-- None of that. No, Karen, Karen, Karen.

-(KAREN GRUNTS) -Oh!

-Foot! -KAREN: Eff your foot.

Dig deep, sister. This is your time.

-Whose side are you on? -MATT: The winner's.

Always the winner's.

Do we have any tranquilizers? She needs tranq-ing!

Let this take place. This needs to happen.

-(KAREN SCREAMS) -Karen, don't-- don't--

(SOBS)

He trapped me, Ryan, like a hog in a pen.

(SOBS)

Is she crying or orgasming?

(KAREN EXHALES)

Is she asleep?

Just stay focused because there may be

an anaconda squeeze coming.

Okay, kids, uh, listen,

same rules as life drawing class.

You look, don't touch.

Well, I like what you've done with the place,

which seems to be to cover it in dirt. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, we're going for a subtle layered look.

Uh, guys? Spike?

I didn't know we were running a daycare.

No, actually, the captain organized us

a little tour, so...

Oh, that's-- They're playing with all the buttons. Nope.

No, no, no. (CHUCKLES) No.

(LAUGHS)

She's locked it. (CHUCKLES)

-Oh, like when you locked Daddy's car, remember? -Right.

And she's-- What? She-- she's--

-She switched our course. -JAZ: She's what?

She switched our course.

-JAZ: Where to? -BILLIE: She's--

Still Earth. Please say still Earth.

-(ALARM PINGING) -SPIKE: Is it "bad" bad?

No, Spike, it is much, much worse.

Okay, I think we're gonna go, so let's say thank you.

-BOTH: Thanks. -Thank you. Gracias.

Thanks, kids! See you in hell!

This is exactly why I don't want children!

Can we use, uh, the old fuel-burn...

-Uh... -...get back in the old course?

Uh, well, we've got-- That's six fuel burns left.

So, we use one to get back...

No, we'll be 400 years old by the time we get home.

We're just gonna have to go with the new course.

(PASSENGERS MUTTERING)

PASSENGER: There he is. Ryan! Hey!

ALL: (CHANTING) Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!

-Four more weeks! -Okay, okay.

-ALL: Four more weeks! -All right, all right.

All right, look. Ladies and gentlemen,

-I do have an announcement. -(CHANTING STOPS)

Uh, it appears that we may not be returning

to Earth for a considerable number of months.

-(ALL MUTTERING) -Oh! See? You see?

How long have you known that, you bag of shit?

(ALL CLAMORING)

BILLIE: We're heading towards the Sun!

(PANTING) We're headed towards the Sun.

-What? -That's the spirit!

Whoo! We're heading for the Sun!

Walking on sunshine, baby!

No, no, no. It's not a-- a euphemism.

We are actually heading towards the actual Sun.

-(ALL GASP) -Oh, fuck.

What do you mean, the-- You mean the Sun?

-Yes, the-- -The hot one? The one in the sky?

-That one? -Yes, that one. Yes.

BAILEY: We're heading for the Sun!

-(PASSENGERS CLAMORING) -Look, can we just--

Can we just park the Sun news momentarily?

I realize that's a big ask, but--

What else have you been keeping from us, you preppy cocksucker?

JOHN: You drove us into the Sun!

-That was not me! -How could you miss it?

Spike! 'Cause Spike was at the wheel.

-I'm no snitch, but, uh... -It was my sister's fault!

-(PASSENGERS SHOUTING) -Raf, cállate!

PASSENGER: Your kids are gonna kill us!

Get that stunted shit out of the ship!

(PASSENGERS CLAMORING)

Lock her up!

-(SIGHS) -(INDISTINCT CLAMOR OVER TV)

I always knew I'd be killed by a child.

Look, look, whatever-- whatever happens,

I promise you everything will be okay.

-(ALARM BLARES) -AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.

-Warning. Warning. Warning. -(CROWD MUTTERING)

Oh, shit. We should probably, um...

-Take a cold shower? -No.

-No? -No. Run.

Uh, there's a real language barrier here.

I promise you, I-- your safety,

the safety of your kids, is my number one priority.

Oh, you're our hero.

-Who are you? -I'm Charles.

I'm just her husband.

And I-- I hope I'm your top priority as well.

You-- you said he jumped ship.

I mean, not literally.

I-- I'm sorry. I should've-- I should have told you.

Wow. You are both so spineless.

The sex must be amazing.

Come on, kids.

So, um, we are gonna have a conversation. Yes?

-RYAN: Huh? -Yes.

Well, I am glad that you finally know about Charles

because... (LAUGHS) ...really, that was killing us.

What do you mean "us"? What us?

-(INDISTINCT CLAMORING) -(ALARM BLARING)

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, please, pot-calling-kettle-fuck.

You didn't tell the passengers

that we're up here for eight years.

I was doing it! What did you think I was doing?

Yeah, but you didn't quite manage it,

-did you? We all have secrets. -I was doing it

when you came running in with this whole Sun thing.

IRIS: Hello, Avenue 5! This is mission control.

Comms are back up. Is everything okay?

-(ALARM BLARING) -Yeah. Everything's fine.

Just one small issue.

Okay. Everyone here has your best interests at heart.

Mission control. Families. The list is endless.

LUCAS: All right. That's enough.

Did he say "small issue"? What small issue?

Well, I guess it's space-related.

Okay, you two, can we lose Hansel and Gretel?

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LORI: Tut, tut, tut.

(SIGHS)

You can stay.

AUTOMATED VOICE: A dangerous situation

is being taken under control.

Warning. Do not panic. Stay calm.

A dangerous situation is being taken under control.

Warning. Warning.

Stay calm. A dangerous situation is being...

♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪