Original subtitles

All right, fellas, come on now.

Let's go down to the barbershop.

- Babe, we'll see you later. - Okay, baby.

Come here and give me some of that sugar, girl.

Uh-uh.

- No! - What you doing?

Not with all that gray stubble.

I'm too young and hot to be messing with some old man.

I might be gray in the face,

Mm-hmm.

- But I'm young below the waist, girl. - Uh-uh.

- Uh-uh, uh-uh, get it, get it. - Come on. Come on now.

- Oh! - Ah!

Can't believe I still live here.

Yeah, I can't believe there's only two of us.

Oh, damn. There's Dave.

Shh. Let's sneak to the truck. Nobody say anything...

Hi, Dave!

Hey, guys.

If I knew you were gonna be like this,

it wouldn't be two of you.

Hey, what's up, Dave? Where are you headed?

Oh, man, all over the place.

Gemma gave me a big honey-do list to take care of.

Grocery shopping, dry cleaners, The Container Store.

That last one's just for me.

How about you guys? Where are you off to?

We are headed to the barbershop.

Ooh, can I come? I've been meaning to get my ears lowered.

You've been meaning to what?

Dave, I work with a lot of white people,

and even I don't know what that means.

"Getting your ears lowered" means getting a haircut,

'cause afterwards your shorter hair looks higher in relation

to your ears, so your ears look lower by comparison.

Uh, no, you can't come.

Okay, why-why not?

Dave, it's a black barbershop. It's not Supercuts.

Okay.

Hey, look, don't take it personally, Dave.

It's just, our barbershop

is not the friendliest place when you're new.

Yeah, it's barely friendly when you're not new.

It's so... it's so true.

One time when he was six,

he ate a bad bean pie in there,

and ever since then, they've been calling him Farty Marty.

Look, I'm just saying, Dave, if-if you walked in there,

- they would roast you pretty hard. - Yeah.

Well, it's cool. I can take it. You know, back in Michigan,

me and the 'Zoo Crew used to bag on each other all the time.

Again, work with white people. No clue.

Yeah, uh, what's the 'Zoo Crew?

'Zoo Crew!

That's what me and my boys used to call ourselves, you know.

Oh, we did everything together.

We even had our own anthem.

♪ Four best friends from Kalamazoo ♪

♪ Logan, Brad and Dave and Logan Number Two. ♪

Wait. So-so, your four-man 'Zoo Crew

had not one but two Logans?

Yeah, man, those are my bro-gans.

No, you can't go.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

Hey, hey, now, what's going on?

- What's happening? - Que, chair open?

It is now. Get up, Trey.

But I'm next.

Well, look at it this way: you still are.

Hey, Harold, turn that TV on, man.

They're replaying the Rams game from Thursday night.

Oh, wait.

Come on, Pop. Black people are not supposed

to be supporting football right now.

I'm not supposed to be having milk, either,

but it ain't stop me

from eating two bowls of Cap'n Crunch today.

So you're really not watching football, Malcolm?

Not until Kaepernick is back on the field.

Well, you better start liking soccer,

'cause the only football you're gonna see is,

"Goal! Barcelona!"

Really?

Hey, what's up, everybody?

What's up, Jeremiah?

Look, I got socks, belts and Spanx for sale.

Keeping it tight ain't just for the ladies.

Am I right, fellas?

Jeremiah, no self-respecting man in here wants to buy any Spanx.

Speak for yourself. That Cap'n Crunch is sitting on me.

Hey, Calvin!

Oh, man, can you believe this?

No.

Tell me the truth, man.

Do you have a LoJack on me or something?

No, I was just picking up my dry cleaning next door.

Hey, everyone, I'm Dave.

Oh.

So this the neighbor we've been hearing about?

Calvin, you told them about me?

Only good things, I hope.

Well, keep hope alive.

Well, since I'm here,

why don't I hang out for a while, get a haircut?

Sorry, man. We only use clippers here.

We ain't got no mousse.

Actually, I don't use mousse.

This is natural volume.

Okay.

Hey, who does he remind you of?

Well, you know, a lot of people say Tom Cruise.

Nah, nah, that ain't it.

I got it. Rachel Maddow.

I told you, man, it was gonna get rough around here.

You should have just went to The Container Store.

Somebody say containers?

Wow. So, all these socks for just four dollars?

That's right.

That's cheap. Where'd you get 'em?

Whoa. Whoa.

Oh. Are they... are they stolen?

Dave!

Uh-uh, I don't like this.

Calvin, your neighbor's a cop.

Relax, Jeremiah. He's not a cop.

How you know?

- Dave, are you a cop? - No.

See? I don't know what he is, but he's not a cop.

And if he were, by law, he would have to tell you, so...

Oh, actually, that's not true.

What? Oh, of course it is.

Most people think it is because they see it on TV all the time,

but truth is, totally false.

No, it's not.

Well, how do you know?

'Cause I see it on TV all the time!

Actually, uh, Dave is right.

Pop, I just looked it up.

Mm-hmm.

Look at your boy Dave.

He knows what he's talking about more than Calvin.

Look, so what, he knew that.

Uh, even a blind squirrel sometimes finds a nut.

How would a blind squirrel find a nut?

Probably their sense of smell.

It's highly-developed in squirrels.

Why are y'all even listening to this guy?

He just walked in here.

Yeah, but he seems smart.

Yo, Dave, I got a question.

Is global warming racist? Calvin says it is.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hold on.

I said the concept of global warming is racist.

I mean, think about it.

Africa been hot all this time, and nobody cared.

But soon as it get hot in Boston,

ha, all of a sudden, we got global warming.

You know why?

It's because they're worried about Tom Brady.

I'm telling you, they're worried about him.

Well, you know, I-I did hear on NPR the other day

that seven of the ten countries most affected

by climate change are in sub-Saharan Africa.

And wealthier nations do cause most of the world's pollution.

So it is racist!

I just said that.

Yeah, but when Dave says it, it sounds true, though.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Maybe that's because I look like Rachel Maddow.

I can't believe y'all.

He heard it on NPR? So what? I heard it on Steve Harvey.

Yo, Dave, is Steve Harvey a reliable source?

All I know is he's killing it

- on the Family Feud! - Yeah.

Yeah. Just like Dave is killing it

in the barbershop, right, Dad?

No. Am I right?

Survey says!

Who's the first white guy

to hold his own in Que's barbershop?

Me?

Good answer. Good answer.

Hey, Dave, can I ask you for some advice?

Yeah, sure.

Well, first off, my girl Keisha's trippin'.

Well, why is she trippin'? Because we be beefin'.

- Why do you think you're beefin'? - 'Cause she be trippin'!

Listen, Trey,

I told you, what you need to do with Keisha...

Shh. I want to hear what he has to say.

Did you just shush me?!

Shh. Calvin, let the man talk.

Well, hold on. Did you just shush me?!

Well, since she seems to be the one that's trippin',

I'd sit her down and let her know

how it makes you feel when she trips,

and subsequently beefs.

That's it. That is it!

I'm not gonna sit here and let y'all shush me

while y'all sit around and listen to that guy.

- But, Daddy, you... - Shh!

- But, Calvin, what...? - Shh!

Shh! Shh!

Shh...!

Shh!

- Hey. - There you are.

Oh.

I just got your text about being at the barbershop.

Have you been there this whole time?

Gemma, you should have seen it.

It was amazing. At one point,

the owner brought out drinks and cigars for everyone.

People started gambling.

It was like being below deck on the Titanic.

That's great, but why does your hair look exactly the same?

I was having so much fun, I forgot to get it cut.

Oh. Well, I'm happy for you.

I know you've been missing your friends.

Ugh. Tell me about it.

All I've had for a social life

since we moved here has been you and Grover.

Which I love.

It's okay. I get it.

Men need other men to hang out with

so you can get out all your stupid testosterone.

Just felt good to hang out with guys again.

Can I ask you a question?

Do I look like Rachel Maddow to you?

You do now.

Hey, Tea Cup. Morning, baby.

Don't "morning, baby" me, Calvin.

I had a dream last night

that a wolverine was attacking my shoulder,

and when I woke up, it was your beard.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Man, I was thinking about keeping it, babe.

You know, I... I look like a young Barry White.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Ah, no, baby.

You need to go back to that shop today and get a shave.

I don't want people thinking I'm married

to Frederick Douglass.

I'm not going back down in there, Tina.

They shushed me.

Like I was some kind of kid.

- Well, you know, Pop, the rea... - Shh, Malcolm. I'm talking.

I've been going to that shop for 30 years.

I mean, Dave comes in there for one hour,

now everybody's started listening to him instead of me.

It was disrespectful.

I'll show you something disrespectful.

What's that?

What is that?

Keisha burning all of Trey's clothes.

She's live-streaming it right now.

Ooh, when she starts trippin',

she sure means it, doesn't she?

Oh, damn, she couldn't wait to exhale.

Mm-mm.

Well, that's what Trey gets for listening to Dave.

Like.

Well, what's he doing listening to Dave?

He doesn't know him like you do.

- Right. - You are-Calvin Butler.

Nobody knows this community better than you do.

That's what I keep saying.

Well, that's why you need to go to that shop

and remind people who you are.

You damn right.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do, too.

And then you go get a shave.

Come on, boys, come and watch your daddy go to work down here.

All right, y'all be good.

Ooh, I sure do miss burning clothes.

Well, if you ask me, the fairest compromise is

you cut the grass one week, and then you have your roommate

- cut it the next. - That's a good idea, Dave.

I'm gonna go home and tell my mama that's how it's gonna be.

- Hey, hey, people. - Hey!

Oh! Calvin, you're back. How you doing, man?

I'm doing better than Trey, that's for sure.

What happened to Trey?

Oh. Show him the video, Marty.

Oh, is that Keisha burning all his stuff?

Yes.

And that's what happens

around here when you don't listen to me.

You get roasted.

That's crazy that Keisha would do that.

No, it's not. 'Cause Keisha's crazy.

But, see, y'all must've forgot who knows you

and always tries to steer you right.

I mean, like you, Jeremiah.

I mean, you up in here

selling belts and socks like some common barbershop hustler.

Who the one told you that the real money

was in men's compression undergarments?

Calvin, that's not fair.

I'm gonna tell you what's not fair.

You making your mama cut the grass

when she got asthma and a push mower.

- Oh! - Ooh!

Que, you hear that?

Dave, see, you don't hear nothing.

You're just out here giving out advice,

when you don't know the whole story.

See this right here? This is my shop.

Actually, Pop, this is Que's shop.

Boy, do you want to get shushed again?

Okay, you know what, uh, Calvin?

- I really don't think that... - You know what, Dave?

I think you need to stop giving out advice and start listening.

I mean, that's your problem.

You're in here, you're sitting in my chair,

and you're overstepping.

Come on, Pop.

Now, get up and get out.

Okay.

I hear you. I'll go.

Uh, Que, thanks for the cut.

Jeremiah, I'll see you later.

I'll call Trey and tell him that I'm sorry.

You can't. His phone got thrown in the fire. Ha!

Hi, guys.

Oh, hey, Gemma.

Hey, Calvin, you shaved your beard.

Uh, yeah. Tina likes it better this way.

Oh, I know. She is not shy about her opinions.

She told me I looked like I was going to a hoedown.

So, is Dave still down at the shop?

No. N-No, he left a while ago.

That's weird. He hasn't come home.

Did he say where he was going?

He did not, no.

He must be doing all the things

on his honey-do list he forgot to do yesterday.

Or he's crying in the corner at The Container Store.

Well, I just want to thank you guys.

- For what? - Since we moved here,

Dave's been having a really hard time missing his friends.

I just really appreciate you

being so willing to welcome him down at the barbershop.

We are so lucky to have you guys as our neighbors.

See ya.

Why the hell they have to move here?

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Look at that smooth baby skin, yes!

Let me sit right here

- and kiss that baby face! Mwa! - Mmm.

Mwa! Mwa!

What's the matter, baby?

Eh, I'm just thinking.

You ain't missing that hedgehog

that was on your face, are you?

No, babe, it's nothing like that.

I just... I think I went too hard on Dave today

down at the barbershop.

Oh, you know, you did warn him that...

joking around can be pretty rough down there.

Yeah, I know, but this was different.

You know what, baby, I would not worry about it.

Dave is, like, the happiest guy I ever met.

You know, the other day, I saw him high-five himself.

Who does that?

Yeah, one day, I saw him miss.

You're right, you're right.

You know what? He's a big boy. I'm sure he'll be fine.

- It's cool. - He'll be fine, but in the meantime,

let me get that... that sugar.

♪ Four best friends from Kalamazoo ♪

What's that?

It's... Dave singing the 'Zoo Crew anthem.

♪ Logan, Brad and Dave ♪

♪ And Logan Number Two ♪

♪ Need a good time? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ Gonna kick it hard-core ♪

♪ With the 'Zoo... ♪

♪ Crew. ♪

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Calvin.

So, you're missing your friends back home, huh?

Yeah. What gave it away? Was it the song?

Look, man, I know I came down on you

kind of hard at the barbershop today, man.

I'm surprised at how much it's affected me.

You know, I'm usually pretty tough.

Look, but I told you what it was like down there, man.

We-we laugh, we snap on each other,

we buy wholesale items of questionable origin.

Yeah, but...

it feels like what you did to me was different.

Look, I tried to tell you, man,

you don't belong in the barbershop.

Man, you just...

you're a little too sensitive for it.

No, that's not true.

I have no problem with jokes about my awesome hair

or how I look like numerous celebrities,

both male and female.

But what you did wasn't cool.

But think about my position.

I mean, I've been going to that barbershop for 30 years.

I know all those people in there... I know their history

and their circumstance... And then you come in

with your NPR and obscure animal facts...

and everybody starts listening to you instead of me.

I mean, how you think that makes me feel?

- Like they forgot about you? - Exactly.

Yeah, I know how that feels.

Check that out.

Why-why are you showing me a picture of a dude's butt?

Look at the tattoo.

Everyone in the 'Zoo Crew got these last week without me.

I've only been gone two months, and it already feels like

it doesn't matter that I'm not there.

So you feel left behind...

by a bunch of dudes that got tattoos on their behind?

It's just been really tough making friends

since I moved here, Calvin.

You know, back at home, I mean, I used to be the coolest.

I mean, you know, you're...

you're cool, you know?

I mean, Dave, come on, man.

You walked into Que's barbershop and you held your own.

It was pretty cool that I did that.

Won $200 playing dice.

You might want to check those twenties

and make sure Obama's face is not on them.

Hey, look, I'm sorry I messed things up for you down at Que's.

I promise I won't come back.

Oh, man, no, it's cool. I mean, you're welcome in there

anytime you want to... get your ears lowered.

Well, good,

'cause I don't anybody else who's gonna take my Obama bucks.

All right, man, I'll see you down there next Saturday?

Next Saturday? That's in a week.

Yo, how often you get your hair cut?

I don't know, like, every two months.

Two months?

How often do you get your hair cut?

Once a week.

Seriously?

Wouldn't have guessed you were so high-maintenance.

I know. I only make looking this good seem effortless.

- ♪ Two best friends... ♪ - I'm not your best friend, Dave.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, we were just in the neighborhood.

I wanted to introduce you all to my wife.

Everyone, this is Gemma.

Gemma, these are all my new friends.

- Hi. Hey. Nice to meet you. - Hey, Gemma. Hey.

Damn, Dave,

if my wife was that fine,

I wouldn't need no friends.

Really, Que? 'Cause... you live with your mama.

Seems like you need all the friends you can get.

Oh!

Ooh, hey, uh, this is Jeremiah.

Oh, you're the one who sold him the Spanx.

I'm wearing them right now.

So is Que.

Well, look, if you like those Spanx,

you're gonna love these cashmere scarves.

- Just ten dollars each. - Really?

Mm-hmm.

That's so cheap. Where did you get them?

Whoa! Whoa!

What?

Oh, are they stolen?

Oh!