Original subtitles

I can't hold them off, Rick! There's too many!

Richard! Your fortress is a salty waste of coral and clam.

Relinquish it at once!

-Submit, you continental cunt. -Got a better idea.

Oh shit, oh shit.

-Happy? -Of course I'm happy,

you're acting like you won but this is exactly what I wanted.

I am Mister Nimbus!

Whatever. Come on, Morty.

-Man, that was intense. -Yeah, nice work, buddy.

Sorry I had to blow up your bunker.

Not so fast, Sanchez. It is I, Cookie Magneto.

What the fuck.

-I'm not engaging this guy. -That's hardly up to you, Rick.

I'm sorry, do you control things that people agree are cookies?

-Yes. -Okay but cookies aren't a substance,

-they're more of a name we-we give to -To the things I control

Do you control cookie ingredients, because y'know that sounds dangerous,

-y'know, everything has sugar in it. -Fight me and find ou...

-Jesus, Rick! -I'm sorry, Morty, I know you're gonna say

it's punching down but I can't fight another one of these nineties

style goofball super villains, I'm not the fucking Tick,

-I'm exhausted. -Okay but

if you really have a lot of these guys gunning for you maybe you should look

-into what you're doing to... -Don't start that crap, Morty.

I don't do anything for these dipshits to seek me out

I am Mr. Calypso.

Face me, you ugly, drunk, ugly piece of shit.

Okay I might look into it.

-Why don't you have a seat? -Because this isn't a therapy session,

I'm just asking you what people in your racket

say about handling this particular situation.

First we'd want you to define the situation.

I'm a walking target for a neverending sea of angry nerds

that think getting in a fight with me is some kind of

I don't know, platform? I mean, look at this guy.

He shows up and calls me an "ugly drunk."

Because of course that's the angle of attack that's gonna undo me, right.

You don't shoot Batman in his fucking Batman logo.

And you think locking this man in a chamber

and milking him of cosmic fluid will somehow resolve this?

I think it's the best I can do to profit from a situation and maybe set an example.

But you've set this example many times and it's not changing your situation.

Yeah and now you're gonna tell me to ignore them

-but guess what, they want that too. -And why would they want to be ignored?

You really believe if I let a guy like this

do whatever he wants, he gets bored and vanishes?

Rick, would you be interested in proving me wrong?

-Yes. -Then show me data.

Ignore them for a week and see what happens.

You're on, bitch.

Is that man dead?

Is everything in here confidential?

-Everything but murder. -Then he's fine.

I mean, I think it's pretty big, you know?

Big step for the big cheese.

-Yeah, Dad, I'm impressed. -Can we not make it a big deal?

It's worth celebrating, Rick.

You accepted the concept of therapy

without turning yourself into a pickle or a housefly.

Jerry, for fuck's sake, that was a regular fly in her office that day.

-What the hell? -Rick!

How ‘bout a little piss?

Rick, why is there a man shooting piss

-on our front lawn? -I'm sure he'll tell you.

I am Pissmaster! Here to flush the toilet that is Rick Sanchez.

He's spraying my lavender bush. My bees need that lavender.

Remember five seconds ago when you guys were stoked about me changing

because it made you feel superior?

Whole family's here. Who's that redhead?

Wouldn't mind spraying her with a golden shower.

-Oh my god, what? -Hey!

-Okay, that's it! -Jerry, please think about this,

if you fight this guy, I'm either an asshole

for not helping or an asshole for helping.

My daughter just got spoken of in porno terms and I'll respond how I choose.

-Wait Dad, don't. -Honey.

-Hey. -You want a piece of piss?

If that's your stupid rude way of saying I have to fight you I will.

-Take your shot, pussy. -Don't talk to me that way,

-go away. -Make me.

Go away.

Careful, honey!

Just stay down.

-I don't even know you. -Yeah you don't know me.

But I'm gonna know your whole ass you son of a gun.

-Hey, none of that. Come on. -Break it up, guys.

Come on, you dirty motherfucker.

No! No!

Stop!

Uncle! Mercy! Mercy! Stop! I give up!

-Apologize to my daughter. -For what?

You know for what!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry I sexualized you! It came out wrong!

That's my dad. That's my fucking dad!

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

-Oh sorry. -Thank you, Rick.

Damn, hashtag FlamingoDad is everywhere!

Buzzfeed made an odd numbered list of other people's observations about you

and you're getting a lot of hand clap emojis

on White Twitter's impression of Black Twitter.

Jezebel's offering a cash reward for evidence that you're a bad person.

-That is their highest honor! -So this is what it's like to trend.

Feels good.

-Feels right. -Just keep in mind now

a bunch more assholes are gonna know they can get a rise out of you.

-Rick, let a dog have one day. -I'm letting. I'm letting.

Are those orbs?

This is what I'm talking about.

Some asshole saw that fight and believe it not, they were jealous of Pissmaster.

I am Blagnar the Eternal. We seek the earthling who beat up Pissmaster.

That's my dad, Jerry Smith!

Jerry Smith. Our Galactic Orbship thirsts for justice and those who deliver it.

-Wait, what? -Our great council

would like to offer you this silver orb. And with it, a place amongst us.

-It's sticky. -Yeah.

That means it's found a pure heart it wants to bond with.

you guys saw my son-in-law on the news, now he gets a sticky orb,

what's the catch? We're not rubes.

Yeah your power is well known in our jurisdiction, Rick Sanchez,

and it should come as no surprise that our orbs are unsticky for you.

Oh no, first I get banned from the Next Door app, now this.

I'd be honored to join your organization.

So what do I do, rub the orb when I see crime, or eat the orb like spinach?

The orb is raw power. Trust your heart, Jerry.

It will know what to do.

-Did you turn on the microwave? -No? Maybe? I was trying to fly.

-What? -I mean, come on, Rick.

-Orbs and goblets, this is your thing. -Orbs and goblets.

I'm just saying, you're the orb guy in the family. Can you please help me?

Jerry, I give you raw power, you'll end up miserable like me.

-Trust me, I'm helping by not helping. -Seriously, Rick?

What the eff, Grandpa! Some creep tried to pee on my tits and you did nothing,

now you're gonna sit there and hold our dad back from being a hero?

-Are you seriously that petty? -Okay, you know what, fine!

Here. Here's your goddamn suit.

I hard-wired the orb's infinite energy right into it.

This shooty-thing looks cool.

That "shooty thing" is a nuclear disruptor that can blow up planets.

-So tight. -Kinda hot.

Ok show me acts of evil happening around the galaxy.

Space Hitlers? "Space Hitlers are convening on Zeplar Prime."

My god, each one of them is their own type of Hitler

-Yeah, that's a problem. -Oh shit, do that one.

-You guys. -That's my parents.

Well family, looks like Jerry Smith has his first orb mission.

Lawn Flaming-ho!

Just a reminder, you guys asked for this.

Soon, our legion of Hitlers will bring about a new galactic order.

-A reich, if you will. -Riddle Hitler me this.

I'm sorry, are we just letting in all Hitlers now?

-Auf wiedersehen, bad guys! -Exterminate him!

Shit, oh Jesus. One at a time!

Oh my god!

Hope there weren't other people on that planet.

And there were no other people on the planet. Only Hitlers.

Each one ready to start their own holocaust,

meaning an estimated thirty billion lives were saved by a single blast.

And the galaxy owes it all to Jerry Smith. Hashtag FlamingoDad.

-You gotta be fucking kidding me. -Up next, oh actually nothing.

I guess we're just gonna talk about Jerry Smith some more.

I dunno, therapy is starting to feel hopeless. I've got so many issues!

-We need to talk. -Hey. No.

I will not speak with you if you refuse to treat me and my patients with respect.

Oh lord. I was a fly! So unburdened, so free of shame!

Welp, I'm officially cured!

Here. Here's your data. Hard proof that god hates me.

I ignored a troll and Jerry beat the guy's ass.

Now he's got this orb and he's using the power which I gave him

to annihilate planets of Hitlers and everyone's popping champagne.

Rick, you came here because you wanted things to change and they're changing.

It's working.

So if my bumbling moron of a son-in-law beats up people, it's "working".

But if I do it, it's a cosmic abuse of power?

Rick, listen to yourself.

You're complaining about how you have to be careful with your immense power.

And that Hitlers are dead. Everything you're describing is positive.

Oh shit, not reacting. That really is the kill move?

I don't know if you need to think about it in terms of murder,

but yes just stay the course.

-Okay, good talk. -Well what you're describing is therapy

and if you'd like to keep receiving it,

start scheduling your visits with Judy up front.

Thank you, thank you Flamingo Fam.

you know, when they asked me if I wanted to be the first human

to drive a Mitsubishi Space Lancer, I thought well I don't know,

I got this cool orb suit that goes really fast. But you know what sold me?

The Council said I could pick my own bridge crew.

Morty, Summer, Beth, what do you say?

-What? Are you serious? -Oh shit yeah, I love Mitsubishi!

-Me too! I've heard of them! -This is so exciting!

Oh my god this is so cool!

Alright gang, orbs away!

O me o my, can it be? A giant piece of shit I see?

I am Mr. Stringbean! No one resists my rhyming scheme!

Hey douchebag, why don't you chill out?

-Who's this asshole? -I am Doctor Buckles!

Here to tighten the belt on your opinions!

You wanna see the Bean get mean?

I'll be damned. I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm-I'm out.

Oh my god, this Piss Guy is getting wailed on.

Look at him, he tried to crawl under the car. What a loser.

-Hey you watching the Pissmaster video? -Yeah.

He has to be the biggest piece of shit in the galaxy, right?

Without a doubt. Who could relate, being that much of a piece of shit.

Goddamnit.

Fuck, shit, come on man. Fuck, come on where is it? Shit, shit.

Fuck!

Come on Pissmaster, come on.

Damn it.

It's me. Please, please just open up

Dad? Mom told me you weren't responding to her calls and I'm worried, okay?

I know I said terrible things about you on my podcast,

it's just, I've been so frustrated with you.

Look, if you were to ever do something I'd never stop blaming myself.

Just, please.

-Please let me know you're okay. -God damn it.

-I'm okay honey, we're good. -I thought something happened to you.

I can tell you for sure. If anything happens to me,

it's 100% not on you, it's my own choice.

You still sound like you're gonna do something bad.

Just promise you won't, okay?

-Okay, yeah. Promise. -Love you, Dad.

Fuck.

Well this is it. I'm killing myself because of Jerry Smith. The Earth man.

FlamingoDad. Seeing them all cheer as I got my ass whipped made me realize.

People just wanna see me fail. All I've ever wanted to do is prove them wrong.

Help!

Wait! Who are you?

Pissmaster. Make, make sure you tell everybody Pissmaster saved you.

Those were heat-seeking pissiles by the way. Not just missiles.

Oh, okay.

Y'all ready for piss?

Yo! Pissmaster! You saving that cat to make people forget you suck?

Nope, just saving it to save it.

Okay, we got nothing.

Piss! Pee! Urine! Number one!

Pee pee! Piss! Pee pee! -Look, it's Pissmaster!

Dr. Wong, what's up?

-Rick, you're late for your session. -Cancel it. Bill me. I'm good.

You're good?

Yeah see, I put on the suit of my enemy and I fucking love it.

Now I'm gonna make a giant bomb, plant it in a city,

and then have his suit auto-pilot the bomb into space.

Boom. Everyone will think Pissmaster sacrificed himself.

He dies a hero, I get a win I'd otherwise never get myself, nice wet bow on top.

I'm tempted to second guess a lot of that but I think you might be nailing it.

-What? -If it's free and fun, do it.

It sounds healthy.

That wasn't my goal but, good to know. Shit, gotta go.

No, exactly. And the slave planet thing,

I hear he broke their chains with pure urine, so.

Hey guys, sorry I'm late, lot of traffic on the orbway.

Take a seat, Jerry. We were just discussing Pissmaster's honorable rise.

I mean, who cares, right?

People are talking about him. He's becoming likable. Good, even.

-But he's Pissmaster. -People change, Jerry.

Everyone loves a comeback story.

-Yes. -I agree.

All in favor of offering orbship to Eugene Michael Piss, aka Pissmaster?

-Orb-yes. -Orb-yes.

-All those opposed? -Obviously orb-no.

The orbship has spoken.

You know what Jerry, I think this is a good test for you.

If you can't let go of your pettiness enough to recruit Pissmaster,

maybe you don't deserve your orb. And Jerry. Don't come back without him.

Absolute chaos! No one knows who planted the bomb, but one thing is clear.

Orphan Island, a city populated entirely by orphans, now sits on the brink of doom.

The Orphan Island bomb squad is trying to dismantle it as we speak.

I can't stress enough, I'm 8 years old, I have no idea what I'm doing!

Look! It's Pissmaster!

Oh no, there's no time to dismantle it! Come on, it's not safe here.

Pisspop? Pisspop? Pisspop?

-Pissmaster. -Jerry, what are you doing here?

Eugene Michael Piss. By decree of the Andromeda strain, our great council

presents you with this orb, which you have to take.

Fuck off, Jerry, I'm in the middle of something.

Excuse me? Hey, this is the greatest honor you could ever be given.

-I don't want it! -Well you have to take it.

Jesus Christ, get the fuck out of here!

He's flying it into space! He's gonna sacrifice himself!

Get back here, you ungrateful shit!

What is your problem?

-You're screwing up my hero death! -Good!

FlamingoDad wants us to blow up? When did he become a shitheel?

Life comes at you fast.

-Jesus, Dad! People are filming! -Yeah, maybe dial it back?

-Rick? -PissSuit!

-Auto-pilot the payload! -Confirmed.

That's my fucking dad.

-Jerry? -Dad, are you okay?

Your father is the fucking Pissmaster!

Grandpa? What the hell?

Jerry, what is this? People are saying you turned shitheel?

Well apparently my father-in-law is Pissmaster so why don't you ask him?

What the? Rick Sanchez, thePissmaster? Okay, this is not a good look.

This family, man

Look, I don't know what kinda weird shit you two are pulling

but it's completely unstickworthy. We're done here.

But I didn't know! I'm a good guy, I made you all famous!

I'm a thousand years old.

You know how many "Flamingo Dads" I've seen? Don't orb us.

I don't get it. You were Pissmaster the whole time?

Obviously not, Jerry, I put the suit on once Pissmaster kill...

When, when you made him...

Yeah. I've always been Pissmaster.

But, that would mean you let my dad beat you up just so he could, like,

feel more confident?

-Damn, Rick. -Yeah that's amazing.

Hold on, everyone's just accepting this? Wait wasn't Pissmaster an alien?

-He obviously avatar'd it. -Probably a robot.

But why? Why would Rick even

-prop me up like that? -Jesus, Jerry.

Rick did something nice for once okay? He's obviously trying to change.

You are no longer worthy of Mitsubishi.

Proud of you, Dad. Or should I say: Pissmaster.

Yeah Grandpa, sorry I yelled at you.

And I guess I'm sorry for trying to

stop you from killing yourself with a nuclear bomb, I just...

really liked having an orb.

Don't sweat it, Jer. Piss under the bridge.

Man, I guess the therapy worked, huh?

Opening up, doing all that just to make my dad feel good.

That's pretty great of you, Rick.

Yeah that's right, Morty. That's right.

Wait Morty, you have to promise not to tell anyone

but your dad made Pissmaster kill himself.

-Oh man, what? -Yeah, I mean, I found him dead

and I put on his suit but look at this, he literally blames your dad.

Holy shit.

Wait, you kept the suicide note?

-That's so messed up! -I know, I mean,

I had to tell someone, Morty,

-I couldn't just sit on that. -And you expect me to?

Morty, no! What are you doing?

-What the hell?! He killed himself? -Jesus, Dad, you should've told us!

-Especially if Jerry murdered him! -Wait, don't say that,

-I didn't murder! -Hey, I thought it was pretty cool

-that I withheld that information. -But you didn't withhold it!

-You're walking around with the note! -Yeah Grandpa, you gotta like,

keep it in your heart as a great sacrifice,

-that's the cool move. -I mean, how am I the bad guy?

He sprayed piss on us! You all cheered me on!

-You all cheered me on! -Don't drag us into this.

-A man is dead, Dad. -Again, wasn't gonna say it,

-but I told you this would happen. -Get off your high horse.

-Dr. Wong would be so proud. -Go ahead and boo,

-I was breathing piss, you think I care? -Is this what it's like to trend?

This is a nightmare, I should've just let him pee on my daughter!

What the hell, Dad?

how about Jack Miller, aka CarJack? He lifted a car off a stranger.

-Next. -Orb-no.

We're fresh off a dad and a piss guy.

Maybe we add someone that's already powerful?

We have to be realistic about who we can get.

-I have a pitch. -We're not gonna add Scarlett Johansson.

Next up: Mr. Nimbus. Lord of the oceans.

I hear he controls the police.

-The police? -Orb-yes.

Guys, I already checked, his reps say he's really busy right now.

-Everyone says that. -And we're not busy?