Original subtitles

♪ I got friends, we run it hard ♪

Top, Zara.

Skirt is Miu Miu. Necklace?

Well, it is a long story involving Gigi Ha did

and a Burger King.

- Oh, yeah! - Don't stop!

- Don't stop. - Oh, come on.

I mean, no one needs to groan like that.

Leight, I'm just gonna say it,

this video you're making is embarrassing,

not just for you but for all of us.

Um, excuse me.

Fit vids are a vital part

of the Kappa rush process.

If I can't come up with fun and flirty content,

I might as well be a Pi Phi.

Is that a bad thing?

I'd rather drown myself.

- Oh, okay. - I'll text Jackson.

Ooh, ask him what position he was doing.

It sounded like reverse-cat-dog.

What the hell is reverse-cat-dog?

- Whitney, you'd love it. - I'll send you a link.

Here, you're on fan duty now.

- Wait, where are you going? - I'm off to the loan office

to tell them I lost my co-signer.

- Oof. - Sorry, girl.

But I'm feeling hopeful.

I even found a heads-up penny

on the street today.

It was next to a dead pigeon,

- but still... - All right.

Well, it looks like our neighbors got the message,

so let's go, ladies.

Good luck.

- Top, Zara. Skirt... - Oh, my God!

- It's all you! - Seriously?

Hey, guys, Bela here.

Big fan of your work.

- Should we move? - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- ♪ You want this? - You like that? ♪

♪ Quit playin', come get some ♪

♪ I take cards, I take cash ♪

♪ Quit playin', come get some ♪

♪ You got chips? ♪

♪ Run that ♪

Bela, is your resistance at a zero?

I'm not here to work out.

I'm here to look at the crew team lift.

They're so shredded and tall.

It's like looking at a bunch of hot, muscly skyscrapers.

Hey.

So are you still taking that biochem class?

- Yeah. - Ugh, kill me. Why?

Because you and I are about to do

some bonding... ionic bonding.

What's up, classmate?

Why are you taking biochem?

It's one of the hardest classes on campus.

I'm literally only taking it

'cause my parents are making me.

I want to challenge myself.

Expand my interests. See what I'm good at.

- Stop. - No more nerdy science talk.

The crew team is coming. Look hot. Stick your tits out.

- Sup? - Saw you watching us.

- Us meaning... - Are you with the crew team?

But aren't you, like, short?

- Yeah. - I'm the coxswain.

I make sure the boat finishes first.

I could do the same for you.

See you around.

Holy shit.

♪ Ooh, I like it, though ♪

♪ That's how like it ♪

♪ That's how I like it ♪

At first, I was disappointed.

But then I thought, don't stress.

You and Taylor will put your heads together,

brainstorm other options.

Oh, Kimberly, I love a brainstorm.

You should see my wedding Pinterest board.

That said, uh, the only thing this office can offer you

is a loan.

Right.

Are there any grants I can apply for?

Or how long would I have to serve

in the military to pay for this?

I can do a push-up if I'm on my knees.

- You want my honest advice? - Yes.

Just tell me what to do, and I will do it.

Get the best grades you can.

It'll maximize your options

for new schools you can transfer to.

Hey, could you stop reading my phone screen?

- We're roommates. - It's my right.

Yeah, I'm kind of with Bela on this one.

- Spill it. - Your phone is blowing up

and I know they're from dating apps.

Is it?

Okay, it is.

- Yes! - Wow.

I finally put a face pic up on my profile.

And it seems that I have face that people like to message.

Oh. How many girls are you talking to?

I don't know, like... 30.

- What? - Damn, Leight.

That's, like, two basketball teams.

Look, I've lived in the closet

for, like, my entire life.

I could never just approach someone

out in the open as myself,

so now that I'm out,

it's my turn to catch up.

You never need to justify that to us.

- Agreed. - I'd never slut-shame you.

In fact, I'd only shame you for not being enough of a slut.

- Okay. - Calc is this way.

I'm gonna see you guys later.

Hey, get some hottie's number while you're in there.

♪ Yeah, I wanted everyone to know about us ♪

♪ All mine ♪

♪ I remember you were all mine ♪

♪ How I looked better back then ♪

♪ When I was with you ♪

♪ It doesn't matter how hard I try ♪

♪ I can't forget those nights ♪

♪ When I was with you ♪

♪ I'm so, I'm so good ♪

Biochemistry can be divided into three fields:

Structural biology,

enzymology, and metabolism.

- Hey, take my picture. - Here? Why?

I'm gonna send it to my parents

to prove I'm in this class.

But... okay.

Dude, I'm trying to focus.

Damn, I look good.

Maybe I'll send it to that crew guy.

The short one from the gym?

- He followed me. - And his profile's kind of hot.

I mean, look at his body.

I mean, his proportions are crazy.

He's as tall as he is wide.

He's like a hot, muscly box.

You're not wrong.

He's like a sexy,

little mini-fridge.

Hey, can you shut up?

- I'm sorry. - Is there an issue?

I'm sorry, Professor, but I can't hear anything

with them talking in the back.

Ladies, I advise you to focus.

Students who fall behind in this class rarely catch up.

Wish we could just skip to the end of shopping period

when half these people drop this class.

God, can you believe that guy?

I know, it's like, I'll pay attention

when the class actually starts.

It started 30 minutes ago.

- Oh, shit. - Do you have a pen?

Shut up!

Ugh. Jeez, guys.

- Shit, sorry. - No, it's all good.

I think you dropped something.

- No. - No, I... sorry.

It's just some random pamphlet I picked up as a goof.

- Wah. - Whoa.

- Hey, don't litter. - Right.

Yeah, I just had that thought.

My name's Kimberly. I'm your neighbor.

- I'm not a litterer. - Yeah, I know who you are.

You leave your retainer in the bathroom sometimes.

Right. Yes.

Well, it was nice running into you.

And I'll see you around.

Wait, you're not taking Irish lit, are you?

- Yeah. - Is that surprising?

I'm just not used to seeing

people who look like you in a class like this.

Well, yeah, it's gonna be really hard for me.

I can't read.

- Okay, very funny. - I get it.

This is the right building, right?

That says literature, doesn't it?

- Very funny. - Let's go.

♪ I was vibin' with you ♪

♪ Oh, but then you came through ♪

He wants to call us out in class?

We should be calling him out for being such a damn kiss-ass.

He was such a bio-bro.

That guys sounds like a jerk.

But also, biochem is really hard.

Are you sure you want to take that?

I am not some token athlete

who only takes easy classes.

- Mm... - Okay.

I mean, to date, have I done exactly that?

Yes. But I'm switching it up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do you guys hear that?

Is someone else in here?

Leighton, are you in there with someone?

Oh, God damn it.

- That was fun. - Yeah.

- I will call you later. - Okay.

Bye.

Stop looking at me like that.

- You had a girl in there? - The whole time?

Okay, I am an adult woman.

I should be allowed to bring people

back to my room without questions.

Agreed.

Except for the questions part.

Did you do toy stuff? Hand stuff?

Did you use my bed? Because it is

completely okay if you did.

- Okay, we're done here. - I am going to dinner.

Oh, it's build-your-own- pasta-bowl night.

I love building my own pasta bowl!

I built wrong.

Yeah, you used teriyaki sauce.

I saw someone do that on the Food Network once

when I watched cable at a friend's house.

Bela, are you still texting

with the short guy from the gym?

Wes? Yeah.

He's a really sexy texter.

He uses full sentences with punctuation.

It's, like, okay, write me novel, daddy.

Huh.

- What? What's wrong? - He just wrote,

"Have you thought about the upside

"of fucking a guy

two inches shorter than you?"

What does that mean?

It takes less time

for his pants to hit the floor?

Or maybe he's saying you'll be less cramped

- in a twin bed. - Wait.

Do you think he means the height of his dick?

Like, where it's at?

Oh, my God, maybe.

Hey, um, Kimberly, you're about as tall as him.

- Stand up. - Wait.

What do you want me to do?

Just hold this at your crotch like a penis.

Oh, Bela, I don't want to...

Now, thrust.

Thrust!

He's right. Look.

Yeah, that angle is, like, perfect.

- Can I stop? - That's it.

I'm gonna start eating in my room.

- Oh, my God. - Y'all, it's official.

I'm gonna fuck a short king.

I also have some exciting news.

I went to the financial aid office today,

and I think I've found a way to stay at Essex.

- Oh, my God, that's great. - How?

I might sell my eggs.

Wait, Kimberly, are you being serious?

- Yeah. - Turns out, I can make $80,000.

- That's crazy, right? - Well, I love this for you.

Celebrities buy smart girl eggs all the time.

You could be the female half of a famous baby.

But isn't this, like, a major surgery?

Lots of people do it all the time.

It's super common.

Also, I might be able to fix my problem

with something that's in my body.

That seems cool and, like, feminist.

Mm, all right, but what happens

when 20 years from now

your hot personal trainer says "I'm your son"?

Is that why he took the job?

- Oh, my God. - You almost kissed your son.

Okay, what if this is the only way

Kimberly can stay here?

I mean, shouldn't she do it?

I just think you should do some research

so you know what you're getting into.

And if you do it and end up being the subject

of a "New York Magazine" article

that gets turned into a movie,

I would love to write it for you.

♪ I say, I say, I say, I say ♪

♪ I say, I say ♪

♪ So I say, I say ♪

- Hey, Mom. - What a nice surprise.

Oh, I love hearing your voice, baby.

My assistant put you on my schedule to call,

so this is me calling.

- You don't have to say that. - You can just call.

How's the new trimester going?

- Great. - I'm taking a class

I actually think you're gonna be pretty impressed with.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

It's biochem. It's super hard

and has one of the lowest pass rates on campus.

- So I was thinking... - Well, why are you doing that?

Uh, what?

Don't bite off more than you can chew.

That's a saying for a reason.

Why does no one think I can handle this class?

Do you think I'm, like, not smart or something?

Of course I think you're smart,

but it's not like you're going to become

- a chemist or a doctor. - How do you know?

What if I'm, like, secretly brilliant at science?

I could be the next, like, Bill Nye.

Honey, listen, just take classes

that'll get you a good GPA.

And I'll get you hooked up somewhere.

You want to work for Obama? Easy.

I'll find you something.

Well, maybe I already found something.

And maybe I'm gonna kick its ass.

Anyone else but Andrew?

Anyone?

Whitney.

Trigonal planar.

Nice.

Okay, now for an easy one.

♪ You don't know what ♪

♪ I am capable of ♪

♪ Don't ask me to stop, don't let it run ♪

♪ I'm gonna get what I deserve ♪

♪ I'm in love with the feel ♪

♪ I pray to be healed, the worst is yet to come ♪

♪ And I am so done asking for permission ♪

♪ I'm taking what's mine ♪

♪ I'm taking what's mine ♪

♪ I am so done asking for permission ♪

♪ A girl in my position could conquer the world ♪

Damn, it's like we're a puzzle.

Okay. Show me you can do it.

♪ My child ♪

Okay, hemoglobin. Go.

Hemoglobin carries oxygen

from the respiratory organs to the rest of the body.

Correct. You're gonna kill this quiz tomorrow.

I hope so. Honestly, biochem is interesting.

I love knowing why the stuff in our world

is the way it is.

It's such a rush to, like, learn stuff.

- I know, right? - Mm-hmm.

I always thought college was just what you had to do

before starting your life, but I get it now.

Hey, any more thoughts on the egg stuff?

- Lots. - I made a pros and cons list.

Oh, wow, you really got into the margins there, huh?

Yeah. I mean, I knew this would be a difficult decision,

but it's really overwhelming.

Well, it is a really big deal.

But I'm sure you'll figure out what's best.

Thank you.

Hey, what's with the ginger ale

in the pros column?

Oh, I figure after the surgery,

I'll be allowed to drink a lot

of free hospital ginger ale.

Oh.

I guess that shouldn't factor into my decision.

♪ I'll hunt you down, I'll hunt you down ♪

Bela, why are your pants so short?

These, uh, cropped joggers

are the full-length pants of the guy I've been boning.

That's right, another perk to fucking a short king.

- It's that good? - It's everything.

My girl Zendaya knows what's up.

Shorter guys are where it's at.

I am so glad you have a nice connection with him.

No, I'm talking about his dick.

It's scientifically superior.

The blood flow's way more efficient in small guys.

That actually makes sense.

Leight, I ran into Anne on the quad,

and she said to say hi.

- Oh, no. - Don't talk to Anne.

I ended things. She won't be coming back here.

Aw, Anne was sweet.

I liked that she brought cookies.

See, I liked Claire and her hat game.

Tough to pull off a flat brim.

- Oh, my God. - Don't talk to Claire either.

I did see Claire yesterday, and I did say hi.

- No. - No, why would you do that?

So you're not dating Claire or Anne?

I'm not dating anyone.

Sorry, it's tough to keep up.

Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but fine.

I will update you

on some details of my recent hookups.

- Okay, whoo. - I have been praying for this.

Yes, but pay attention

because I am never doing this again.

- Here's the lineup. - I'm gonna start a Google Doc.

I'm still seeing Tori.

Stephanie's out. August is in.

If Monica sends one more GIF, she's out.

Molly's in. Jess is out.

Hot bangs girl from the student center

flossed in front of me, so she's out.

Which one's the one that gave us the fancy candle

that I light when I have dairy?

- That's Cat. - Do not let her in.

Yes, Kimberly?

Anne friended me on GoodReads,

and I want to accept.

Do not accept.

I already did.

♪ Your nugget ♪

♪ Baby, baby, shake it for me ♪

What are you writing that's so funny?

- You really want to know? - 'Cause it's about my sex life.

You're just gonna ask me to read it

and make it funnier anyway, so...

Okay, well, I'm writing a piece

about how short kings are unexpected sex gods.

- Wow, I'm... I'm flattered. - Thank you.

Oh, I'm not talking about you.

Wait, do you think you're a short king?

I'm 5'8", so maybe.

Eric, sweetie, you're not a short king.

You're like a nerd prince. You're like a straight twink.

Straight twink is definitely not how I see myself.

Short kings are thicc and meaty.

They're not guys who get pushed away by the wind.

I got picked up by a gust of wind one time,

and you won't let it go.

Who's the short king?

- Hold up. - Are you jealous?

- No, I still see other people. - Exactly.

Also, I think that it's not fair

that you can talk about my body shape

and I can't say anything about yours.

- Oh, really? - Well, come at me.

- Fine. - You're, like, really bony.

Like, when we have sex, our pelvises clang together.

It sounds like someone's trying to fix an old car.

That's 'cause you're just as skinny as me, bro.

Which is why it's weird that the sex is so good.

I know. It's almost as good as with the short king.

It's actually kind of better.

- Sorry, what was that? - What was the last...

- The last part? - Shut up. You heard me.

It's just I'm so tall that it's hard to hear

from up here sometimes.

♪ You pull me under ♪

♪ Hey, oh, hey, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

In "Meghan's Quandary," the decision is a tough one.

Does Meghan, penniless and starving,

return to Dublin?

Or does she pursue her dreams in America?

And, of course,

there are no clear right or wrong answers.

That being said,

Meghan did return home to Ireland

and promptly died of cholera.

Her last words?

"Why did I do it?"

Her decision haunted her.

Excuse me.

It's an overwhelming story for many.

Now, let's discuss the epilogue.

You okay? You ran out of there really fast.

Was it a bathroom thing?

- Oh, my God. - Jesus Christ, no.

No, my stomach is great.

- I'm just stressed. - Sorry.

I don't know if I'll be able to stay here at Essex.

- Oh, shit. - But I'm fine.

I don't want to bother you with that.

- Nah, it's fine. - I mean...

I had to leave my college too.

If it wasn't for that tornado just absolutely

shredding my college to pieces,

I'd still be in Kansas with my friends,

frat, my truck.

Oh, I didn't realize

you missed your old school so much.

You seem like you'd fit in anywhere you go.

- Eh, no. - Not really.

I mean, yeah, sexually,

people are pretty receptive to me here,

but making friends is harder.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

Except sexually, it's hard for me too.

Look, all I'm saying is,

I know that leaving a place you love sucks,

so I really hope you don't have to go through that.

Thanks.

I'll see you around.

All right, everyone.

30 minutes left on the test.

Mm.

- Holy shit. - That test was brutal.

I know, but I think I did okay.

Did I know everything? Absolutely not.

But I kind of impressed myself.

Hell yeah, you did.

- I'm not raising my voice. - I'm just...

Guys, we've discussed this.

Don't listen outside our door. It's creepy.

Leighton is in there with two other girls,

and it is a knock-down, drag-out fight.

I guess a girl named Molly

brought Leighton some flowers.

But then this girl named Jess

showed up at the same time.

And Molly and Jess have history.

And Leighton either knew or she didn't.

Okay, get out of our way.

I can't believe I brought you peonies.

They're not even in season.

And I can't believe you were dating my ex.

Okay, I only slept with Molly once.

- So we're not together? - No, not right now.

Okay, I would not have

bought us Phoebe Bridgers tickets

if I knew that you were seeing other people.

Oh, Phoebe Bridgers is the shit.

- I'll go with you. - Okay, I told you both,

I'm newly out and I'm just... I'm taking it slow.

Leighton?

Cat, what are you doing here?

I'm here to return your underwear.

Oh, shit.

Oh, hey, Molly.

Leighton, I didn't know you knew my ex.

Oh, you guys dated too?

I love this.

Okay, everyone shut up.

Leighton can bang who she wants.

This is not "Bridger ton." Everybody out.

- Hustle, hustle. - Get out. Bye.

- Let's go, lesbians. - Let's go.

And why the hell are you two here anyway?

Oh, excuse us for being messy bitches who love drama.

Ooh, let's go next door and try to eavesdrop from there.

Turns out secretly fucking suburban moms

is a whole lot easier than navigating

the queer community at Essex

where everyone has slept with everyone else.

Okay, be honest, are we gonna have to change our locks?

Did you give anyone a key?

- Oh, God. - Here we go.

- What? - But I studied my ass off.

Holy shit, you got a 62?

I got a 4.

As a reminder, today is the last day

to drop this class.

So if you're not feeling confident,

I suggest you leave.

Whit, I'm never gonna pass this class.

I think we should drop it while we still can.

Look, I know we didn't do well,

but I want to stay.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

I really think I can do this.

Even though I didn't do the best,

I want to keep trying.

- Fine. Fuck it. - I'll stay too.

All right.

The rest of you, let's get started.

- Let's turn to page... - Hey.

Hey, I know you probably weren't paying attention,

but now is your time to leave.

Yeah, I'm staying.

And just like an electron around a nucleus,

I'm gonna run circles around your ass.

Okay.

- Did I get that right? - I don't fucking know.

But that was cool as hell.

♪ Did you notice ♪

♪ That moves easily? ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Moving on again ♪

♪ Once I'm spinning ♪

♪ I can't stop spinning ♪

♪ Can't stop spinning ♪

♪ Once I'm spinning ♪

♪ I can't stop spinning ♪

♪ Can't stop spinning ♪

Hi, yes, my name is Kimberly Finkle

and I wanted to apply to sell my eggs.

Okay, the jacket is Veronica Beard.

Um, jeans are Hudson.

And the boots are Gucci.

♪ You don't have to come around ♪

♪ Take it back, tears will fall again ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Jesus.

Ow! Ow!

Okay, Leighton,

you've tested positive for chlamydia.

What? No, I've only been with women recently,

so that's actually impossible.

It's actually very possible

and something you should contact

all your recent partners about.

♪ All that sex with lust ♪

♪ Seldom I beg, but ♪

♪ All that sex with lust ♪

♪ Seldom I beg, but ♪

♪ What if I'm a material one? ♪

♪ For that freaky boy that I love ♪

♪ Millions of heads of Barbie dolls ♪

♪ Necklaces and bracelets ♪

♪ Bulk of lace ♪

♪ Of freckled leather ♪

♪ Where are you gonna go like that?

♪ You're a mouthful, off my old souvenirs ♪