Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Announcer: SCOTT PAPER COMPANY TAKES PLEASURE IN PRESENTING...

ROBERT YOUNG...

AND JANE WYATT.

(laughter)

WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...

I CAN MAKE $2 MILLION!

JUST THINK OF IT, HAZEL!

A COOL TWO MILLION LITTLE OLD SMACKEROOS!

UH-HUH.

GREAT SCOTT, WOMAN! IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY...

"UH-HUH"... WITH A FORTUNE STARING US IN THE FACE?

I'M SORRY, GEORGE. I WAS THINKING OF THE MILKMAN.

HE SAID THE BILL IS OVERDUE AGAIN.

GEE!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW YOU THINK FRED IS CONNING ME INTO A GYP DEAL,

BUT I KNOW THERE'S URANIUM THERE!

I PERSONALLY HEARD THIS GEIGER COUNTER CLICK

LIKE INTERNATIONAL CONVENTION OF CASTANET PLAYERS.

LOOK, WOULD FRED GYP ME... HIS OWN NEIGHBOR?

OH, THESE RIDICULOUS TV FAMILY SITUATION SHOWS.

All: SHH!

HAZEL, STOP WORRYING!

STOP WORRYING, BABY DOLL. WHEN I COME BACK,

WE'LL BE THE OWNERS OF 50 ACRES OF URANIUM LAND!

LITTLE GEORGY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.

HIYA, POP! HIYA, SON.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, SWEETHEART.

I GOTTA GET... (audience laughs)

BUB, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THAT GETUP?

JUST GOING OUT TO SEE IF I CAN GET A JOB

ON THE ROAD GANG.

(laughter)

BUB, NO SON OF MINE HAS TO WORK ON A ROAD GANG.

WHAT'S THE IDEA?

O HEARD YOU WERE GOING INTO ANOTHER DEAL WITH FRED.

(laughter)

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

(laughter)

MAMA?

DO YOU THINK I COULD GET MUCH MONEY FOR THESE?

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE STILL HERE, PAPA.

CINDY HONEY, YOU WON'T HAVE TO SELL ALL YOUR CLOTHES.

I'M SURE DADDY WILL BE ABLE TO SUPPORT US... SOMEWAY.

(laughter)

HOW DUMB CAN A GUY BE?

HERE I WAS, READY TO RISK THE SECURITY OF OUR LITTLE ONES,

ROB THEM OF THEIR PEACE OF MIND,

JUST FOR A FOOL'S QUEST FOR EASY RICHES.

AND TO THINK THAT IT TOOK THEM TO OPEN UP MY EYES.

(laughs) THEY'RE PRICELESS.

AND WE'RE GOOD ACTORS, TOO, AREN'T WE, MAMA?

ESPECIALLY ME!

I THOUGHT BUB HAMMED HIS PART UP TOO MUCH.

(laughter)

(both laugh)

DOLL BABY! (laughs)

YOU'RE THE MOST OF THE MOSTEST!

(laughing)

(applause)

IT'S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE TO SIT AROUND SUFFERING FROM A COLD,

I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THAT BUNK, TOO.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

(laughs) POOR OLD GEORGE.

HOW COME MOTHERS ARE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN FATHERS?

ONLY ON TELEVISION ARE THEY.

THEY'VE GOT POOR OLD GEORGE SO DUMB

HE COULD POUR CIDER OUT OF A BOOT

IF THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE PRINTED ON THE HEEL.

HE'S SO STUPID, HIS BRILLIANT WIFE DOESN'T DARE TELL HIM

HE'S PULLING ANOTHER CALAMITOUS BONER.

NO. SHE HAS TO TRICK HIM,

USE THE CHILDREN AS TOOLS.

HEH. EVERYBODY'S SMARTER THAN THE OLD MAN.

THEY OUGHT TO CHANGE THE TITLE OF THAT SHOW

FROM FATHER DOES IT AGAIN TO FATHER IS A DOPE.

I'M GONNA TAKE MY MEDICINE AND GO TO BED.

THAT IS, IF I HAVE ENOUGH BRAINS TO FIND THE STAIRS.

THEY'RE RIGHT OVER HERE.

I KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.

Man: QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!

QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!

QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!

QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!

HI, JIM! HOW DO YOU LIKE MY FANCY DECOY?

HEY, THAT LOOKS GOOD.

WHAT'D YOU DO, GET SOME NEW ONES?

NO, JUST PAINTED IT.

AND YOU AND I ARE GONNA PAINT ALL THE REST OF THEM

BECAUSE WE'RE GOING HUNTING TOMORROW.

WE ARE?

OH, HI, HONEY.

DID I HEAR SOMETHING ABOUT HUNTING?

OH, ED WAS SORT OF KICKING THE IDEA AROUND.

BUT HE HATES TO GO ALONE, SO...

SO I WONDERED IF I MIGHT GO ALONG, TOO...

YOU KNOW, JUST TO SORT OF KEEP HIM COMPANY.

WELL, DON'T ACT SO GUILTY ABOUT IT.

I THINK IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA. YOU DO?

CERTAINLY.

THAT IS, IF YOU FEEL WELL ENOUGH.

YOU WERE IN BED SEVERAL DAYS WITH THAT COLD.

OH, I FEEL FINE NOW.

WON'T YOU BE SLEEPING ON THE DAMP GROUND IN A TENT

AND SQUATTING IN A WET DUCK BLIND?

WELL, I FEEL OKAY. BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO, I'LL GIVE IT UP.

OH, THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL.

IF YOU FEEL UP TO IT, I THINK IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA.

YOU DON'T GET TO GO HUNTING VERY OFTEN,

SO... WHY DON'T YOU PLAN ON IT? YEAH.

TELL MYRTLE TO CALL ME.

MAYBE SHE AND I CAN DO SOMETHING

WHILE YOU TWO HUNTERS ARE AWAY.

OKAY, I WILL.

SHE DOESN'T WANT ME TO GO.

WHAT? SHE JUST TOLD YOU TO PLAN ON IT.

IT'S AS PLAIN AS DAY. SHE THINKS I'M NOT WELL ENOUGH TO GO,

BUT NATURALLY I'M TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THAT.

SO, SHE HAS TO PLAN THE INDIRECT APPROACH,

TRICK ME INTO NOT GOING.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THEY PICK UP THESE IDEAS?

ON THAT TV BOX.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW?

MARGARET AND THE KIDS ARE HOLDING A MEETING ON STRATEGY,

PLANNING THE WHOLE INSIDIOUS CAMPAIGN.

OPERATION KEEP PAPA HOME.

WELL, JIM, IF YOU THINK YOU SHOULDN'T GO...

LOOK, ED, YOU GET A PAINTBRUSH READY FOR ME.

I'LL BE BACK AS SOON AS I CHANGE MY CLOTHES.

YOU AND I ARE LEAVING AT DAYBREAK TOMORROW, SEE?

(laughs)

(humming)

OH, FATHER, YOU'RE JUST THE ONE I WANT TO SEE.

WHY, WHAT'S UP, PRINCESS?

JANIE, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO FATHER. SEE YOU LATER.

I'M GOING TO GET A JOB!

YES, AND I KNOW WHERE... ON A ROAD GANG.

A ROAD GANG? NO, FATHER.

IT'S A SORT OF SECRETARIAL JOB

AT A BIG TIRE RECAPPING FIRM.

THAT'S EVEN BETTER. (laughs)

IT'S NOT FUNNY, IT'S SERIOUS.

I HAVE TO GO FOR AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW,

AND I'M SCARED TO DEATH. I SURE WISH THAT...

THAT I'D GO WITH YOU?

WOULD YOU? HMM.

ISN'T IT STRANGE THAT YOU, WHO'S ALWAYS BEEN SO INDEPENDENT,

SO AFRAID I'M GONNA INTERFERE WITH YOUR PLANS,

SHOULD SUDDENLY BECOME A DEPENDANT, SHY, LITTLE VIOLET?

FATHER, THEY SAY THIS MANAGER'S VERY MEAN,

AND FURTHERMORE, I...

FURTHERMORE, THIS WOULD KEEP OLD DAD

FROM GOING HUNTING TOMORROW.

OH, ARE YOU GOING HUNTING?

YES, I AM.

OH, I'M SORRY, FATHER. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL YOUR TRIP.

I'LL MANAGE SOMEHOW.

DIDN'T KNOW.

(laughs)

I HEAR DAD COMING. SHOULD I ASK HIM?

NO. I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING TO HIM.

JUST GET ON THE PHONE AND SAY WHAT I TOLD YOU TO SAY.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

HI, DADDY. HELLO, KITTEN.

MARGARET, HAVE YOU SEEN MY DUCK CALL?

YOUR WHAT?

DUCK CALL. IT'S LIKE A MOOSE CALL, ONLY FOR DUCKS.

ABOUT THIS LONG... HELLO, JANET?

THIS IS KATHY.

AND I CAN'T COME TO YOUR PARTY TOMORROW.

MY DAD IS GOING HUNTING,

SO I WON'T HAVE ANY WAY TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE.

YEAH, ME, TOO, JANET.

BUT THAT'S THE WAY THE BALL BOUNCES.

BYE.

NOW, ISN'T THAT A SHAME?

YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THAT FINE PARTY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, DADDY. I DIDN'T MUCH WANT TO GO ANYWAY.

BESIDES, I DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO STAY HOME FROM YOUR HUNTING TRIP.

OH, CERTAINLY NOT.

OF COURSE, YOUR MOTHER'S CERTAINLY CAPABLE

OF DRIVING YOU OVER TO THEIR PLACE.

OH, NO, I'M NOT.

WELL, I, UH... FIGURED THERE'D BE A REASON.

YOU AND ED ARE TAKING OUR CAR.

NO, WE'RE GOING IN ED'S.

THAT'S ALL BEEN CHANGED.

I JUST TALKED TO MYRTLE, AND SHE NEEDS THEIRS

TO DRIVE OVER TO HILLSBOROUGH TO SEE HER SISTER-IN-LAW,

WHO FELL OFF A BEER TRUCK AND BROKE HER COLLARBONE.

HER HUSBAND WORKS FOR A BREWERY,

AND HE WAS SHOWING HER A NEW TRUCK THEY JUST BOUGHT.

OH, IT'S AN ACCIDENT THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

OH, HONEY, DOESN'T IT STRIKE YOU AS BEING STRANGE

THAT THIS PARTY CAME UP SO SUDDENLY?

WELL, THAT'S JANET'S MOTHER FOR YOU.

EVERYTHING'S A LAST-MINUTE AFFAIR.

ACTUALLY, I'M JUST AS GLAD KATHY'S NOT GOING.

OH, SURE.

WELL, I'LL BE NEXT DOOR.

HI, DAD. I HEAR YOU'RE GOING HUNTING.

WHY, YES. GEE, THAT'S SWELL.

OH! OOH! AAH!

OH, NO, THIS IS TOO MUCH.

BUD, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

GOSH, I DON'T KNOW. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

I GET A STABBING PAIN RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

OR MAYBE IT'S BACK... OH! UHH! THERE IT GOES AGAIN!

THIS SOUNDS PRETTY, UH, SERIOUS.

OH, BOY, IT IS.

I CAN'T EVEN RAISE MY ARM THAT HIGH.

YOU CAN'T, HUH?

WELL... I DON'T DARE RAISE IT ANY HIGHER THAN THAT.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU RAISE IT THIS HIGH?

OW! JIM!

BUD, IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO FOR HIM?

I THINK WE SHOULD AWARD HIM AN OSCAR

FOR AN ACADEMY-AWARD- WINNING PERFORMANCE.

I'LL BE NEXT DOOR PAINTING DUCKS.

(laughs)

I TELL YOU, ED, YOU'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH ACTING.

ODDLY ENOUGH, KATHY WAS THE MOST CONVINCING.

AND OLD BUD... HEH!

OLD BUD HAMMED IT UP BUT GOOD.

SOUNDED LIKE A REHEARSAL FOR THAT TELEVISION SHOW... FATHER DOES IT AGAIN.

FATHER IS A DOPE, I CALL IT.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S PRETTY TRUE-LIFE STUFF ON THAT SHOW.

YEAH, ABOUT AS TRUE-LIFE AS A THREE-DOLLAR BILL.

THE THING I RESENT IS THEY THINK THEY HAVE TO TRICK ME

INTO NOT GOING.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE SO DEVIOUS?

ALWAYS HAVE TO GO CLEAR AROUND CASEY'S BARN. TELL ME THAT.

WELL, NOW... MYRTLE USES A LITTLE DIFFERENT APPROACH.

SHE'D SAY, "ED, GET BACK IN THE HOUSE, YOU BIG OAF.

YOU AIN'T GOIN' ANYPLACE."

(laughs) WELL, BOY, YOU'RE LUCKY.

HEH HEH.

WHAT'S THE PROPER TECHNIQUE ON THIS STUFF?

THE PROPER TECHNIQUE IS TO FILL ALL THE PELLET HOLES

WITH PLASTIC WOOD.

THEN YOU SAND IT DOWN AND GIVE IT A COAT OF LINSEED OIL.

THEN YOU PAINT THE COLORS ON WITH DULL, FLAT PAINT,

SO THERE WON'T BE ANY REFLECTIONS.

YOU DO ALL THAT?

NO, I JUST SLAP SOME PAINT ON IT.

(laughs)

WELL, THAT'S MY TECHNIQUE, TOO.

BUT THEY COME OUT PRETTY GOOD, I THINK.

THAT KID THERE LOOKS SO LIFELIKE,

I KEEP EXPECTING HIM TO START SQUAWKING AND FLY AWAY.

(laughs) YEAH.

(duck call)

IS THIS THE DUCK CALL YOU WERE LOOKING FOR, DADDY?

YES, THAT'S IT. WHERE'D YOU FIND IT, HONEY?

MOMMY FOUND IT. SHE WANTED ME TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

I SEE. AND, UH, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SAY?

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "THANK YOU."

HUH? OH, YES. HA HA! THANK YOU.

GUESS YOU GOT KIND OF MIXED UP, HUH, DADDY?

YEAH, KIND OF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MAKING TOYS?

NO, THESE ARE DECOYS... DEVICES OF DECEPTION.

A SUBJECT YOUR MOTHER COULD EXPLAIN TO YOU VERY NICELY.

THEY'RE WHAT?

THEY'RE IMITATION DUCKS, KATHY.

CAN'T YOU GET REAL ONES ANYMORE?

WE USE THESE TO GET THE REAL ONES.

YOU SEE, WE FLOAT THESE IN A POND,

THEN WE HIDE IN A BLIND UNTIL SOME DUCKS FLY OVER.

THEY LOOK DOWN AND THINK THESE ARE REAL,

SO THEY DROP DOWN FOR A VISIT,

AND WHAM! WE'VE GOT 'EM!

SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY SNEAKY TRICK.

NO WORSE THAN SOME OTHER TRICKS BEING PULLED AROUND HERE.

KATHY?

WHERE YOU GOING, HONEY?

I THOUGHT I'D BETTER PICK UP SOME GROCERIES NOW,

WHILE THE CAR'S STILL HERE.

YOU'LL BE LEAVING BEFORE THE STORES OPEN IN THE MORNING.

YOU'RE STILL PLANNING NO GOING, AREN'T YOU?

PLANNING? OH, IT'S MUCH BEYOND THE PLANNING STAGE NOW.

THERE IS NO KNOWN FORCE NOR PLOT

THAT CAN STOP ME NOW.

WELL, GOOD.

I WAS AFRAID YOU'D FEEL YOU SHOULD STAY HOME

BECAUSE OF THE WAY BUD'S FEELING AND EVERYTHING.

NO, I'M RISING ABOVE ALL THAT VERY NICELY.

WELL, I'M GLAD. COME ON, KATHY. BETTER COME WITH ME.

WE'LL PICK UP A GIFT FOR JANET,

JUST IN CASE WE FIGURE OUT A WAY FOR YOU TO GO THAT PARTY...

WHICH I DOUBT.

"WHICH I DOUBT."

SUCH FRAUDS.

I KNOW GOOD AND WELL SHE HAS ENOUGH GROCERIES IN THE HOUSE

TO LAST FOR A WEEK.

SHE'S JUST DOING THIS TO MAKE IT SOUND MORE DIFFICULT.

JIM, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO ON THIS TRIP?

NOW, WAIT, ED. DON'T YOU START FALLING FOR THEIR LITTLE SCHEMES.

I'M THE ONE THEY'RE WORKING ON, NOT YOU.

AND I THINK I'VE MADE IT PRETTY PLAIN TO HER SO FAR

THAT HER LITTLE SCHEMES AREN'T WORKING AT ALL.

I JUST WONDER WHAT SHE'LL TRY NEXT

TO KEEP ME FROM GOING.

(crash)

ED, SHE'S GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME.

YOU AND I ARE LEAVING IN THE MORNING

IF WE HAVE TO CRAWL EVERY STEP OF THE WAY ON BROKEN GLASS.

OHH, GOSH.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THEM TO STRAIGHTEN OUT A FENDER?

HEY, JIM GOT THE CAR DOWN THERE RIGHT AT 8:00 THIS MORNING, DIDN'T HE?

OH, I'M SURE HE WAS THERE BEFORE THEY EVEN OPENED.

MAYBE I DID MORE DAMAGE TO THE CAR THAN WE THOUGHT.

OH, I'M SORRY TO SPOIL YOUR PLANS.

I KNOW YOU WANTED TO GET STARTED BY DAYBREAK.

WELL, GOING LATE IS BETTER THAN CRAWLING OVER BROKEN GLASS.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.

I STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW I RAN INTO THAT FENCE LAST NIGHT.

ACTUALLY, I'M A VERY CAREFUL DRIVER.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT JIM SAID.

HE THOUGHT IT WAS ODD THAT SUCH A THING WOULD HAPPEN

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS WITH NO ACCIDENTS...

AND AT THIS PARTICULAR TIME, TOO.

(chuckles) IT ALMOST LOOKS AS THOUGH I DID IT DELIBERATELY

TO KEEP JIM FROM GOING.

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING? JIM SORT OF ACTS

AS IF THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

WELL, MY GOODNESS! I WOULDN'T DO A THING LIKE THAT.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

IF I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO DO IT,

I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T RESORT TO A TRICK LIKE THAT.

WHAT TRICK WOULD YOU RES... I MEAN, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

WHAT I WOULD DO WOULD BE...

(car pulling up) OH, HE FINALLY MADE IT!

YOU'D BETTER GET OUT THERE.

WE'VE GOT TO HIT THE ROAD.

YOU GOT IT FIXED OKAY, BOY?

THEY FIXED IT UP SO I CAN DRIVE IT,

BUT I'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT BACK MONDAY.

WE'D BETTER GET PACKED.

MY GEAR'S IN THE DRIVEWAY, ALL READY.

Bud: HEY, MOM. BRING ME SOME MORE MEDICINE.

HEH. RIGHT ON CUE, THE MINUTE I WALK THROUGH THE DOOR.

Bud: MOM! YES, BUD, I'M COMING.

BETTER BE ON YOUR GUARD.

NOW THAT THE SMASHED FENDER SCHEME FAILED,

I THINK MARGARET HAS SOME OTHER TRICK.

ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES, AND I COULD'VE PRIED IT OUT OF HER.

DON'T WORRY. WHATEVER IT IS, I CAN HANDLE IT.

YOU'D BETTER GO OUT AND START LOADING. OKAY.

AND GET YOUR STUFF AS QUICK AS YOU CAN.

AND DON'T GIVE THEM TOO MUCH OPPORTUNITY TO WORK ON YOU.

DON'T WORRY. OLD JIM KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.

OH! UHH!

NOW, COME ON, BUD. NOTHING CAN BE THAT BAD.

OOH, THAT JUNK IS. OHH!

I THINK I'D BETTER CALL DR. CONRAD.

NO, MOM! NOT YET. I...

WELL, MAYBE I'LL GET BETTER BY THIS AFTERNOON.

I'LL SUFFER THROUGH IT. (coughs)

WELL, I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE COUGHING.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I THINK HE'S DOING REMARKABLY WELL AT IT.

BY THE WAY, BUD, HOW CAN YOU STAND SO MUCH SUFFERING?

IT ISN'T EASY.

YOU'RE DOING VERY NICELY, THOUGH.

BY THE WAY, WHERE DID THAT COUGH COME FROM?

I THOUGHT YOUR TROUBLE WAS PAINS IN THE CHEST.

WELL, THAT SORT OF COMES AND GOES.

OH, SURE.

JIM, I'M GONNA CALL THE DOCTOR.

NO, MOM!

UH, I HAVE A BETTER IDEA... SURE CURE.

BUD, WHY DON'T YOU GET UP AND GO HUNTING WITH US?

JIM! GOSH, MOM! DO YOU THINK I COULD?

CERTAINLY NOT. YOU'RE SICK.

BUT, MOM, I... OH! OH, THERE IT GOES AGAIN.

NOW, DEAR, THAT WASN'T FAIR.

OH, THAT WASN'T FAIR? OF COURSE NOT.

WHAT KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU, TEASING HIM LIKE THAT?

WHAT KIND? JUST THE REGULATION SIMPLE-MINDED STUMBLEBUM FATHER

YOU SEE ON YOUR TV SET.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR? I'M THE GIRL WHO... NO.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR? MY NAME IS BETTY ANDERSON,

AND I'VE HAD TWO SEMESTERS OF TYPING AND SHORTHAND

AND ONE SEMESTER OF BOOKKEEPING.

DICTATION? OH, YES, I'M VERY FAST AT TAKING DICTATION.

WELL, THAT IS, I'M PRETTY FAST.

WELL, I'M AVERAGE YOU MIGHT SAY.

(sighs) OH, I CAN'T HARDLY TAKE IT AT ALL.

VERY GOOD!

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT'VE BROKEN DOWN A LITTLE MORE

WHEN YOU HEARD ME COMING DOWN THE HALL,

BUT OUTSIDE OF THAT, IT WAS VERY GOOD.

FATHER, THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

I'M SCARED TO DEATH TO GO DOWN FOR THIS INTERVIEW.

THEY SAY THIS MAN'S A REAL OGRE.

BY THE WAY, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS OGRE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MEET?

YOU NEVER DID TELL ME.

IT'S AN AWFULLY ODD NAME.

WELL, I'M SURE OF THAT, BUT WHAT IS IT?

IT DOESN'T SOUND BELIEVABLE.

WELL, YOU KNOW US FATHERS...

WE'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING. WHAT'S HIS NAME?

MR. KEEDLECOT.

(laughs)

I COULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT UP A BETTER ONE MYSELF!

I DIDN'T THINK IT UP! THAT'S HIS REAL NAME!

OH, OF COURSE. I KNOW HIM VERY WELL.

CASPER KETTLEDRUM KEEDLECOT.

OH, STOP IT, FATHER. YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO FOOL YOU OR SOMETHING?

HEAVENS, NO.

DOES OLD GEORGE... LOVABLE MEATHEAD OF TV...

EVER SUSPECT HIS CHILDREN ARE FOOLING HIM?

OF COURSE NOT.

WE FATHERS ARE PRETTY DUMB,

BUT WE'RE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW

THAT YOU'RE UNDERMINING US ONLY FOR OUR OWN GOOD.

SAY HELLO TO MR. KODDLEKIT FOR ME.

HURRY UP, JIM. WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

ED, YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN IN THERE.

THE KIDS' PERFORMANCES WERE EVEN BETTER THAN THEY WERE YESTERDAY.

DID MARGARET SPRING HER NEW FLANK ATTACK ON YOU?

NO, I THINK SHE'S SAVING THAT AS AN ACE IN THE HOLE

IN CASE EVERYTHING ELSE FAILS...

WHICH IT WILL, I GUARANTEE YOU.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING TO STOP US NOW, I DON'T THINK.

WE GOT EVERYTHING. I DOUBLE-CHECKED THE GEAR.

YOU GOT GAS, DIDN'T YOU? YES, OIL, THE WORKS.

WELL, COME ON, BOY. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

WE'RE HOURS LATE NOW.

(engine won't start)

Kathy: DADDY!

UH-OH. HERE IT COMES. THE FLANK ATTACK.

THE ACE IN THE HOLE. THE SHOCK TROOPS.

DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION. PRETEND YOU DON'T HEAR HER.

(engine starts)

WAIT A MINUTE, DADDY! THIS IS SOMETHING IMPORTANT!

CAN'T HEAR YOU, KITTEN. SEE YOU LATER! GOOD-BYE!

BYE, KATHY! STEP ON IT, BOY.

BUT, DADDY!

(engine stalls)

DON'T YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS WITH YOU? NO, NO!

IT'S YOUR HUNTING LICENSE.

HUH? OH, YES. THANK YOU, KITTEN.

I WANT TO KISS YOU GOOD-BYE, DADDY.

DON'T DO IT. IT'S A TRAP.

I WANT TO KISS YOU, DADDY.

NO, JIM, NO.

BYE, DADDY. HAVE A NICE TIME.

OH, BOY, THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL. LET'S GET GOING.

HEY, GET THE CAR STARTED!

I WAS JUST THINKING... HAVE YOU NOTICED

HOW SUBTLE THEIR CAMPAIGN IS?

IT'S SO SUBTLE, I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT.

NOT ONCE... NOT ONCE, MIND YOU...

HAS ONE OF THEM SAID, "DON'T GO."

WELL, THEN GO! NOBODY'S STOPPING YOU!

THAT'S THE TROUBLE RIGHT THERE.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE BANKING ON.

I FEEL JUST LIKE A PRISONER WHO SUDDENLY DISCOVERS

THE PRISON GATES OPEN AND NO GUARDS AROUND,

BUT HE'S AFRAID TO WALK OUT

BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE'S WALKING INTO A TRAP.

OH, JIM, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE PRISON GATES CLOSE!

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

AND DON'T STOP FOR ANYTHING, NO MATTER WHAT!

KEEP GOING!

(starts engine)

I'M SORRY, DR. CONRAD. IT'S MY FAULT.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

WELL, I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT YOU WERE COMING OUT,

OR I WOULDN'T HAVE PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY.

NOT MUCH DAMAGE DONE, THOUGH.

OUR BUMPERS ARE LOCKED.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT. IT'S UNCANNY.

HOW COULD THAT WOMAN HAVE TIMED THIS SO PERFECTLY?

WHAT DID YOU SAY, JIM?

HMM? OH, NOTHING.

OKAY, DOC, YOU GO ON IN AND LOOK AT BUD. I'LL BE RIGHT IN.

I WOULDN'T MISS THIS EXAMINATION FOR ANYTHING.

YEAH... ALL RIGHT, JIM.

I HAVE TO GO INTO THE HOUSE FOR A MINUTE.

DO YOU HAVE TO?

MARGARET OVERPLAYED HER HAND WHEN SHE CALLED DR. CONRAD.

IN HER DESPERATION, SHE FORGOT THAT HE'S A MAN OF ETHICS.

HE'S NOT GONNA PLAY A PART IN THIS LITTLE TV DRAMA?

I KNEW WE'D NEVER GO HUNTING.

YES, WE WILL.

SEE IF YOU CAN GET THESE CARS UNLOCKED. I WON'T BE LONG.

OKAY.

FEEL ANY SORENESS HERE? MM-MM.

HERE? MM-MM.

HOW ABOUT HERE? MM! MM!

AHA.

TRY THIS, DOCTOR.

(muffled scream)

CAREFUL! THANK YOU, KATHY.

YOU LITTLE... BUD!

WELL, DOC, HAVE YOU COME TO ANY, UH...

INTERESTING CONCLUSIONS?

YES, I HAVE, JIM.

THIS BOY OUGHT TO BE TAKEN UPSTAIRS AND PUT TO BED.

HUH? OH, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. SURELY...

HIS FEVER IS NOT TOO HIGH,

BUT HE SHOULD BE PUT TO BED.

THE COLD HAS SETTLED IN HIS CHEST

AND HE HAS A SLIGHT TOUCH OF FLU.

YOU MEAN HE REALLY...

BETTER GET THIS FILLED RIGHT AWAY, JIM.

YEAH, RIGHT AWAY.

MAYBE WE'D BETTER GET A PRESCRIPTION FOR YOU, TOO.

HMM? WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT JUST A MINUTE, DOC. I FEEL FINE.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU, JIM.

YOU'RE VERY TENSE AND NERVOUS.

NOT LIKE YOURSELF AT ALL.

I'M OKAY, I FEEL FINE.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I SUGGEST?

LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO BED. IT'S BUD WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT.

WELL, I'D SUGGEST THAT YOU GET AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS

AND GO HUNTING OR SOMETHING.

HUH?

UH, LOOK AFTER THE BOY.

IF HE ISN'T BETTER TOMORROW, CALL ME.

I CERTAINLY WILL, DOCTOR.

SO LONG, BUD.

BETTER TAKE MY ADVICE, JIM,

OR WE'LL HAVE YOU IN BED WITH BUD.

OKAY, DOC.

JUST CALL ME GEORGE.

HEY, JIM. JIM.

EXCUSE ME FOR BUTTING IN, BUT...

Jim: HEY, DID YOU GET THE DOC'S CAR UNHOOKED?

YEAH, IT'S OKAY. BUT LISTEN, JIM.

IF WE DON'T HURRY, I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA GET TRAPPED.

MYRTLE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME THING SHE'S SPRAINED HER ANKLE

AND CAN'T DRIVE.

SO SHE WANTS ME TO DRIVE HER TO HILLSBOROUGH.

SO, IF WE DON'T GET OUT OF HERE...

ED, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.

YOU GET RIGHT HOME AND TAKE CARE OF MYRTLE. HUH?

BESIDES, I'M NOT GOING ANYWAY.

I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION I HAVE TO GET FILLED.

AND... KATHY...

YOU'D BETTER GO UPSTAIRS AND PUT YOUR PARTY DRESS ON

BECAUSE I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OVER THERE AS SOON AS I GET BACK.

YOU WILL? OH, GOODY!

WHERE'S BETTY? BETTY!

YES? WHAT IS IT, FATHER?

IF YOU'LL GIVE ME TIME TO CHANGE MY SHIRT

WHEN I GET BACK FROM THE DRUG STORE,

WE'LL GO DOWN AND TACKLE YOUR MR., UH...

HEH! KEEDLECOT.

OH, WOULD YOU? OH, I'D FEEL SO MUCH BETTER IF YOU WOULD.

DEAR, I HATE TO HAVE YOU MISS OUT ON YOUR HUNTING TRIP.

I WANT YOU TO GO. I KNOW YOU DO.

FINALLY.

AND, HONEY, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU.

APOLOGIZE? WHAT FOR?

I HOPE YOU NEVER FIND OUT.

MOTHER, DON'T YOU REALLY KNOW

WHAT FATHER WAS APOLOGIZING FOR?

OF COURSE NOT.

IT'S AMAZING THE IDEAS SOME MEN PICK UP

WATCHING THAT TV BOX.

George: OH, NO, NO. WHAT'S THAT AGAIN?

OH, NO, NO, IT CAN'T BE!

WE'LL, DIDN'T HE LEAVE ANY MESSAGE?

OH, NO!

OHH! HAZEL! HAZEL!

OH, HAZEL, HE'S GONE.

MR. SWINDLER CHECKED OUT OF THE HOTEL!

HE'S GOING TO SOUTH AMERICA!

HE HAS, DEAR?

OH, BROTHER, DID I PULL A LULU THIS TIME!

OH, DON'T WORRY, GEORGE.

DON'T WORRY? DO YOU REALIZE HE'S TAKEN THE PLANS FOR MY INVENTION?

(laughter)

OHH!

YOU MEAN THESE, DADDY?

HUH?

WHERE DID THESE COME FROM?

SOME OF OUR THINGS GOT MIXED UP,

AND MY ARITHMETIC PAPERS GOT INTO THE ENVELOPE

MR. SWINDLER TOOK WITH HIM.

UHH... HOW COULD SUCH A MIX-UP EVER...

OH HO HO HO! (laughs)

OHH!

DOLL BABY!

(both laugh)

YOU'RE MOST OF THE MOSTEST!

(laughing)

(laughs)

YOU GUYS, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD, WASN'T IT?

YEAH, BUT I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.

THAT TV SHOW WAS WAY OFF ITS BASE THIS TIME.

THEY MADE GEORGE ENTIRELY TOO SMART.

BELIEVE ME, WE FATHERS DON'T HAVE HALF THAT MANY BRAINS.

(theme music playing)