Original subtitles

- Heidi. Heidi.

[birds chirping]

[tranquil harp music]

- Bumper Allen.

* *

[heartbeat pumping]

[tense music]

You are being deported by the German government.

* *

[heartbeat quickens]

[high-pitched tone]

- Ahh!

You guys are all here.

I had a nightmare about being deported.

- It wasn't a nightmare.

You were having a recap.

This is your official Abschiebungsbefehl.

- Obviously, it is totally,

but you should probably explain it for Heidi.

- It's your official deportation notice.

It says you have to leave the country in six hours.

Also, happy German Unity Day.

- How did this even happen?

- You didn't apply for your work visa.

- Not to ladle another turd dumpling

into the crap soup,

but this means you can't perform at Unity Day

since it's after the deportation deadline.

If you try, you will get arrested.

- I was getting used to a routine.

Heidi buys pastries,

Pieter whines that you are his only hope,

we prod you to be a better person,

and we have fun in the process.

- No.

The old Bumper would be crying

in a clean dumpster right now,

but I am not turning myself in.

I am getting my moment in the spotlight.

I wanna take it all in and wonder,

can a spotlight give you a sunburn?

How does light work?

It doesn't matter.

We gotta get creative right now,

figure out a "solush."

Because I'm not leaving without a fight.

- Maybe-- maybe we could just explain

our situation and ask for a visa extension

at the Rathaus.

- Yes, Heidi, the Rathaus.

The Rathaus? Okay.

Well, this will be easy. Chuck E. Cheese is a friend.

- Oh, you're right.

We should all give it one more try.

- Well, we don't have that much time.

You have a costume fitting in an hour,

so let's see what we can do.

And in the meantime, let's keep all of this information quiet.

- Okay. Let's go.

Also, maybe we shouldn't tell anyone

that I sleep in my pants and my shoes like a fireman.

[upbeat spacey music]

* *

- Why are we nervous?

It's our dad.

He can't still be mad at us.

Just--just be cool.

- Oh, scoot over.

You know how much he enjoys negative space.

- Right, because it reflects the emptiness...

both: Of the human soul.

- Good call. - Thank you.

[line ringing]

- Klaus! - Hi there!

- My man. - You big guy.

- What is the meaning of this call?

You're disturbing me.

- Okay. We'll make it quick.

My client, Bumper, whom you may remember,

is, unfortunately, being threatened with deportation.

- Can you make some calls?

You have friends in the government, right?

- Of course I have friends in the government.

Who do you think tipped them off?

- Wait, you got Bumper deported?

- After Bumper made me angry walking off my set,

I vowed to get back at him,

and there is nothing my children can do.

Nothing.

How do--how do I get off?

I don't want to be here.

[phone clicks]

- God. He really is a dick.

- Hello.

This is Bumper Allen, and he would like

to apply for a visa extension.

- I really want to help you.

- Okay. Then do.

- But if you're beyond your 90 days,

my hands are tied.

In Germany, paperwork is king, and I'm but a loyal serf.

Except on the weekends,

then it's just Hilda being Hilda.

- There's nothing you can do? Are you serious?

- I'm German.

Of course I'm serious.

- I can't believe this might be my last day in Berlin.

I freaking love this place.

The parks, the high-calorie street food.

Most of all, I love that it made me my favorite version

of myself by far.

- I don't want you to go.

Since you got here,

my world has been a lot brighter.

The hell are you gonna do back in America, huh?

Just go off and be friends with people named

Brittany or Luke or something? [scoffs]

Stupid.

- I am so sorry.

I messed everything up.

- Don't apologize.

You didn't mess anything up.

You know, watching you has

made me want to get out of my own way

so I can be up there someday.

Being around you has taught me to be brave enough

to step into my own shoes.

What do you say, for old time's sake?

- I mean, of course.

- Sit next to me.

Oh.

This might be the last time our butts touch.

- That is so sad. - Hmm.

- So what should we sing?

- "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" or "Walking on Sunshine,'

but we scream "not" at the start of every chorus.

- If you are leaving here a broken dreamer,

I have just the song.

[playing "Don't Fall in Love with a Dreamer"]

* *

* Just look at you *

* *

* Sitting there *

* You never looked better than tonight *

- I actually don't know the words.

* And it'd be so easy *

* To tell you I'd stay *

* Like I've done so many times *

both: * Don't fall in love with a dreamer *

* 'Cause he'll always take you in *

* Just when you think you've really changed him *

* He'll leave you again *

* Don't fall in love with a dreamer *

* 'Cause he'll break you every time *

* *

- * Oh, put out the light *

- * Just hold on *

both: * Before we say goodbye *

* *

[applause]

- Thank you.

- Obviously, all the romantic stuff

was just written by Kenny.

- Was there romantic stuff in that song?

I just thought it was about doors and lights...

and stuff.

- Hey, get away from my piano.

- Okay.

- If you don't want us to play the piano,

just don't leave the piano.

- Is that even his piano?

- [whispering] I hope Pieter and Thea had more success.

- Great. You're here.

Well, try some costume options.

The Unity Day committee over there will approve the look,

and we will be off to the races.

Assume the position, please.

- Okay.

[loud bang]

- Well, you don't need to stand like that.

- Oh.

It must mean something different in America.

- I'm sorry we're late. Okay.

We got a big failure.

We totally botched the-- - Pieter.

This is the Unity Day costumer.

And over there are the members of the Unity Day committee.

- Of course.

Oh, we are excited to get Bumper dressed up

for a big event

with absolutely no other complications whatsoever.

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

- [through teeth] Any luck at the Rathaus?

- No. And what are you doing?

- I'm smiling.

- So any luck with Klaus?

- No. In fact, he's the one

that got the government to boil your spaetzle.

- D'oh! Klaus!

Also, what is a spaetzle?

- Oh, it's a homemade noodle.

- I'm gonna call Klaus back and tell him off.

And, oh, my face hurts.

It must be exhausting to be a nice person or a wolf.

- Well, well, well, if it isn't so many blueberry muffins

stealing half of my spotlight.

What next?

You're going to steal my Unity Day look?

- I hope not because I can't pull off white.

It washes me out.

- Gisela, excuse us a minute.

- Oh, no problem.

I'll just cease to exist for 60 seconds.

both: Okay.

- We need to talk.

- You have been doing squats.

- Several thousand a day. Yes.

- I think I know how to save you

from being deported.

- What?

- You have to marry Thea.

[tense music]

- Marry Thea?

- Seeing Gisela's white dress, it just clicked.

If you marry a citizen, you can stay in the country.

- Okay.

I don't know if you know this or not,

but Thea and I are not in love.

Is this what you want me to do?

- It is if it keeps you in Germany.

- How long would we have to pretend to be a couple?

What happens if I fall in love with somebody else

or I already am? Never mind.

I mean, would Thea even go for this?

She once called me "Mr. Potato Head

if he couldn't grow that mustache."

- Thea, do you wanna marry Bumper

so he can stay in the country?

- Sure.

- You'd do this for me even though we're not in love?

- I'm an anarchist, and I hate my dad.

Those feelings are as legitimate as love.

- Well, let's get you guys married

and get you to the stage!

- Okay. Yeah.

I guess there's no other option.

- What every girl wants to hear in her wedding day.

- Oh, great.

This is gonna be great.

Let's go.

- Go. Okay, let's go! Yes, run, run, run!

[energetic synth music]

* *

- We'll go back to the Rathaus

and get you married before the concert.

- But we have to make it look real

so they don't think we're committing fraud.

Bumper's in day-old pants,

and Thea looks like she's two wheels short

of motorcycle cosplay.

- I know who can help.

* *

Ursula.

* *

Where's your lost and found?

- My armoire is your armoire.

Please.

* *

- Oh, Thea.

You look so beautiful.

How do you feel about your big day?

Are you nervous at all?

- A little.

- Oh, well...

you can borrow my Dove deodorant.

It keeps me from getting the nervous sweats

when I pretend to be a guest at a fancy hotel

to use their bathroom.

- I feel excited to destroy my father

and make a mockery of the German state.

Are you okay?

- I know I suggested all this,

but it didn't feel real until right now.

And well, I--

I think Bumper will make a good husband.

Yeah. He seems like the type to announce blueberry pancakes,

but then have none of the ingredients,

so you end up eating stale toast,

but the sentiment was there, you know?

- Yeah. He's not my type.

If the temperature of a cave was a person,

that's my type.

- Yeah. That makes sense.

I'm kind of the opposite.

- Thank you for being my maid of honor

and my friend.

My other friends are exactly like me,

and it can get tedious.

I like seeing the world through your eyes.

- Well, thank you for showing me

that somebody like you could like somebody like me.

- Come on.

- Seriously, you have taught me

to be more confident and more myself.

Ugh. I cannot wait to tell my middle school bullies

that I have a cool friend. - [laughs]

Luckily, they're all selling essential oils on Facebook,

so they're super easy to find.

[sentimental music]

* *

- Okay.

- Now for the final touch.

* *

Horns under the lace or poking through?

- I can't believe an hour ago,

I was mentally packing my socks,

and now I'm getting married to Thea.

This is so crazy.

But you know, I've come so far.

The new Bumper doesn't back down from a fight.

- Man, my client and my best friend

is going to be my brother? Wow.

The rest of the world might still hate me,

but I don't care because I have you and you have my sister.

- Did you just call me your best friend and brother?

- I did.

[laughs] - [grunts]

I got you. [laughs]

Yes. Yes.

Oh, my God.

Christmases are gonna be so fun.

- Oh. Yes, they are.

- You know who we should invite?

- Who? - To Christmas?

Heidi.

So she's not, like, out in the cold

with her cute little nose

pressed against the frosted glass,

like, "Please, sir,

may I have some porridge?"

- Okay, so speaking as your new brother,

it seems pretty clear that you love Heidi.

- Okay, what?

Ja. - Ja.

Ja. Ja.

- Is it that obvious?

- Oh, very obvious. Yes.

You stare at her a lot.

Well, I'm just trying to memorize

every strand of her hair.

But whatever, it was her idea

for me to get married to Thea anyway,

so she obviously doesn't love me.

At least this way, I get to stay in Berlin

and be around Heidi. Right?

- Right.

I didn't hear what you guys were saying.

I was just trying to be supportive.

So we should get going.

- I'm so glad that in 1998,

a witch killed that businessman,

then disappeared, so that you two

could look so beautiful today.

- We should get going, right?

[upbeat electronic music]

* *

- Almost there. - Okay.

[grunts]

Oh, it's locked!

What the hell?

- Rathaus will be closing at noon today in observance

of German Unity Day so that our employees

may attend the festivities.

Great.

- Germany lets their government employees celebrate holidays?

How humane.

But still, this really screws us.

- Scheisse.What do we do?

Your performance is in an hour.

- God!

Why must you smite me?

I did everything that you asked!

I came to Germany.

I took the bottom bunk.

I ate pickles so sour that my balls are still

not as plump as they were.

I wore the stupid little glasses.

I went to the hospital. I wrote a song.

What more could you possibly--

we need Hilda. - Who?

- Hilda.

The nice but useless woman that we met here.

If she's at the concert, she can marry us.

See you later, freak out!

I got a wedding to save!

[upbeat rock music playing]

[crowd cheering]

- * Don't let me down *

* Don't let me down, don't let me down *

* Don't let me down *

* Don't let me down, don't let me down *

* Don't let me down *

[cheers and applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen. Next, our newcomer.

Gisela!

- Quick, describe Hilda to us.

- Okay. She's about my height, brown curly hair,

'80s pink eyeshadow, and...

- And what?

- Well, I was gonna describe her breasts,

but I'm stopping because I think you're not supposed to.

- We have enough to go on. - Okay.

Let's go.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat pop music]

* *

- * I'm not just here to dance and twirl *

* I'm my own girl boss *

* I'm not your little girl *

* But look out, watch out 'cause it's my world *

* So I will... *

- Excuse me. Sorry.

Hilda!

Excuse me.

Excuse me, assholes!

- [speaking German]

- [in Australian accent] Oh, my God.

That woman was so rude. So weird.

You want me to go yell at her for you?

I'll go find her.

- No beer.

- * I'll sing when I want to *

* Ooh *

* I'll sing when I want to *

- Crap. Bumper's next.

Hilda!

[crowd chanting in German]

- [sighs] Biker guy.

Red beret.

Balloon lady.

None of these are Hilda.

- * Your sings and go off, king *

* Less your voice has no cred *

* Your whole head's a loaf of bread *

* You're a corncob-looking corny fella *

* You love milk and a cappella *

* Don't try to sing, just drink a gallon *

* Milquetoast corn boy Bumper Allen *

[dramatic tone]

- Oh, God. They're after me.

- Oh! - Oh, Excuse me.

Hilda! It's--it's me.

It's Bumper.

The cutie with the booty from before.

- Ah. - Okay.

I need a huge favor.

I wanna get married right now. Can you help me?

In the name of unity?

- I'm three lagers in and I love love,

so you know I'm game.

Ooh. Are you marrying

that cute girl you were with before?

- No.

A much taller, much scarier one.

- Oh.

- There she is. Thea!

Let's go.

- * I sing when I want to *

[cheers and applause]

Okay, so it seems

that the other newcomer, Bumper Allen,

will not be performing today... [crowd exclaims]

Because he is in the country illegally.

[audience groans]

Sad, but also really bad.

So that means that I will perform another song!

[cheers and applause]

Just please bear with me as I wheel out 1,600 pounds

of human-sized cupcakes.

- Okay. Hilda. Start the ceremony.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay.

- Wedding. - Yes, it is.

Okay.

- What a strange word. - Is it?

- Not as strange as scuba but--

- Hilda, let's get to the point please.

- Do you, Bumper... - Yes, I do.

- Take Thea... - Yes.

- To be your lawfully wedded wife...

- Okay. - To have and to hold...

- Sure. - Until death do you part?

- Yes. Okay. Yes. Fine. Good.

Great. - And do you, Thea--

- This man is not allowed to perform.

- [sighs]

- He's with me.

Official Rathaus business.

Now step aside, or I'll report you

for working on a holiday without a permit.

[inhales sharply]

- Thank you, Hilda.

Whoo!

[suspenseful music]

* *

- Hey.

Enjoy this.

It's everything you've always wanted.

- Thanks.

* *

Thank you.

I should get going.

- Hmm. - Okay.

Thea. Hilda.

- I don't want to brag,

but I still fit into the same size

giant high-heel prop shoes that I wore in high school.

- Thank you, honey.

Okay.

So now, Thea, do you take Bumper

to be your lawfully wedded husband,

to have and to hold until death do you part?

- Yes. Yeah. - Okay, good.

- So now I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

- Do we have to? - No, absolutely not.

Mm-mm. - No.

- Let's just--

[cheers and applause]

[sentimental music]

* *

- Hello, Berlin!

[cheers and applause]

Wow, this is--

this is such an honor.

But I don't really know what to say.

So I'll just sing.

* Staring at the ceiling *

* Laying wide awake *

* In a city of strangers *

* Who don't know my name *

You know what? I do know what to say.

[sentimental music]

I thought the most important thing in the world

was being a star,

the one famous person who can outshine

everyone else in every room he steps in

and every stage he steps on.

There's no such thing as just one star,

'cause every star is...

part of a constellation.

* *

So in the spirit of constellations,

I wanna give you a little treat.

There is somebody who deserves to be up here...

more than I do.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I fought tooth and nail to get on this stage,

but this person is a beautiful artist,

an amazing friend,

and I love her.

* *

And I know you will, too, because it's her turn to shine.

She is gonna sing instead of me.

* *

It's what she's always wanted.

It seems like she needs

a little convincing to get up here,

so I'm gonna need your help, okay?

When I sing,

* Come and sing *

You sing,

* Heidi *

Can we do that?

all: Yes.

- * Come and sing *

all: * Heidi *

- * Come and sing *

all: * Heidi *

- * Come and sing *

- The last time I heard a crowd

chanting a name this powerfully,

I was kicked out of my own hometown

for being a witch. - * Come and sing *

crowd: * Heidi *

[cheers and applause]

- You are unbelievable.

- You don't have to do this if you don't want to.

- I told you earlier.

I'm ready.

- I knew you wanted to.

Have fun.

[cheers and applause]

- * Staring at the ceiling *

* Laying wide awake *

* In a city of strangers *

* Who don't know my name *

* Everyone's trying to make it *

* Trying to leave something *

* That says I was here for a minute, for a minute *

* And I did my thing *

* It's all in my head *

* It's all in my heart *

* The light always finds a way to shine through the dark *

* It's way too late now for turning around *

* I'm right at the edge, but I'ma figure it out *

* But they don't know my name *

- * Turn, turning into something *

* Different than before *

* 'Cause every turn I'm turning takes me to your door *

- * They don't know my name * - * And far and away *

both: * Doesn't feel so far *

- * One day I'm gonna make it out this room *

* I don't have nothing to lose *

* I'll be patient 'cause I know it's on the way *

* But they don't know my name *

- * But if home's wherever you are *

- * Wherever you are *

both: * I'm already home and I'm right where you are *

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you so much, Berlin!

This is Heidi Miller, the amazing singer-songwriter.

And this is DJ Das Boot, the hottest music producer.

And of course, ladies and gentlemen,

my good friend and manager--

I wouldn't be here without him--

Pieter Kramer.

[applause dies]

- And he is very sorry for everything

he put Germany through.

It will never happen again.

Pieter the cheater

is now Pieter the kilometer,

because that is how big his apology is.

[cheers and applause]

[sentimental music]

* *

- Oh, my God. My heart's racing.

- What a show, man. What a show!

- Can I have your autograph?

- You realize I am not Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

- What's next for Bumper Allen?

- Before coming to Germany,

I never thought that this would be my life,

so I'm not even gonna try to predict what's next.

- I know what's next for me.

- What?

- I want to make our partnership official.

I can produce all your clients.

We can call our company Kramer and Kramer.

- I would be honored to work with you, DJ Das Boot.

- Newcomer performances can be a bit wobbly,

but that was so entertaining.

- I couldn't have done it without my manager,

my producer, my songwriter.

Where's Heidi?

- I don't know. - Well done.

- I have to go and find Heidi.

Thank you. - Okay.

Good luck.

- Forgive me, Pieter.

I let you take the fall for the sound machine,

and you were only trying to help me.

And...[exhales]

Seeing you up there throbbing--

I mean, thriving...

it really made me realize what a mistake I made

putting you out of my life.

[dramatic music]

* *

[sighs]

And...

we were talking about how much fun it would be

to get DSM back together.

- [beatboxing]

singers: * Doe, doe, doe, doe, doe, doe *

- * Think about it *

* There must be a higher love *

* Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above *

- * Without it *

* Life is wasted time *

* Look inside your heart and I'll look inside mine *

[singing stops]

I'm sorry, Gisela.

But I have a new team now, and I moved on.

[sentimental music]

- So wanted to touch base real quick

about everything that happened...

and was said on stage,

particularly by me...

about you.

- Well, it was life-changing.

I have you to thank.

Sorry I disappeared back there.

I was just scouted by a record label based in LA.

They love my song.

- What? - Yeah. [laughs]

- Heidi, that's huge.

- Yeah.

- Wait, so are-- are you moving to LA?

'Cause that is very, very far from here, he guessed.

- I don't know.

I mean, it's everything I've ever dreamed of.

But the question is, will.i.am or won't.i.am?

- Totally. I get that.

Believe me. I've been there.

But did you happen to "Fergie"--t

about the other stuff I said?

'Cause I can repeat it if you need me to.

I meant every word of it.

- Bumper.

You better not be thinking

of running away from our sham marriage.

- Oh, great. My wife's here.

- Here's a list of rules for a living in my house.

I'm very particular, and I've got

something called white mold.

It happens when ham sits too long on your walls.

- Okay. I have to move in with you?

- Uh, well, yeah, of course.

You have to stay in Berlin

and sell the marriage, or else we both

are getting arrested for fraud.

Oh, and my girlfriend Ilse gets the bed.

You are on a very hard concrete pullout.

Heidi, what an epic performance.

I'm so happy for you.

- Thanks.

I'm so happy for both of you.

- There's my constellation.

[laughter]

Oh, that was an incredible day, huh?

- [sighs] - Yeah.

- I don't know what's gonna happen next,

but I am so grateful I came here.

[upbeat electronic music]

Shit. I forgot to call about my cat.

* *

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