Original subtitles

[serene music]

[tapping]

* *

- * Honey came in, and she caught me red-handed *

* Creepin' with the girl next door *

- * Picture this, we were both butt-naked *

* Banging on the bathroom floor *

- * How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? *

- * All this time, she was standing there *

* She never took her eyes off me *

* *

* But she caught me on the counter *

- * It wasn't me *

- * Saw me banging on the sofa *

- * It wasn't me *

- * I even had her in the shower *

- * It wasn't me *

- * She even caught me on camera *

- * It wasn't me *

- * She saw the marks on my shoulder *

- * It wasn't me *

- * Hear the words that I told her *

- * It wasn't me *

- * Heard her scream getting louder *

- * It wasn't me-- * - [screams]

[gasps]

* *

[grunts]

It was you, Bumper.

- [shudders]

- You stole my song...

and now you've stolen my future.

- Heidi. - [grunts]

[dramatic music]

- Oh, my God.

* *

And now my hands are feet?

[screaming]

[screams, panting]

- * Welcome *

* In Berlin *

* Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank *

* Danke schön *

* Welcome *

* In Berlin *

* Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank *

* Danke schön *

Oh, good, you're here.

I've been trying to reach you all night.

I tried everything-- the phone...

- Okay.

- Look, so I got here super early

to try to get your usual order.

But I don't speak German, so I just pointed at things

until they handed me this rag for the milk steamer.

Is this what you normally order?

Did I do good? Can I feel better?

- Ein latte, bitte.

- Hey, you know what? I'll pay.

- Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.

I wouldn't want to take something that belonged to you.

- Okay, so acts of service are not your love language--noted.

Look, I am so sorry.

I just--I started singing your song, and it was so good,

and everyone said I needed to impress Thea in order to have

any hope of making it to Unity Day,

and it all just happened so fast.

- You know what? It's fine. Let's just move on, okay?

I can write another song.

If you need that one so bad, you can have it.

- Okay, if I just listen to the words you're saying

and not the tone, it seems pretty good.

I think if you, like, liked me again,

that might be more fun than being mad at me.

'Cause are you having fun? 'Cause I'm not having fun.

- Oh, I'm not mad.

I am just disappointed in a way that makes me feel

like I should never believe

anyone or anything ever again. [door opens]

- So two big pieces of news.

First news, bad.

The former love of my life, Gisela,

just tweeted out that she's doing a big show

in Friedrichshain tomorrow.

If we don't stay competitive,

she's gonna get that newcomer spot.

I admit that seeing my former lover in the flesh recently

has stirred up some feelings for her in my own flesh.

Ooh, to feel her skin on my skin would...

well, that would be magic indeed.

But that could never happen.

"Sleeping with the Enemy" is merely

a 1991 Julia Roberts film,

not a documentary about my real life.

But, anyway, moving on to second news, which is good.

There is a talk show that's had a last-minute cancellation.

- Wait, wait, don't tell me. - I have to tell you.

It's the whole point of me talking right now.

I sent a demo to "Sour Pickles,"

and they want to talk with you at the taping today.

- Yes!

Wait, what's "Sour Pickles"?

- It's an immensely popular talk show

that breaks new musicians while they eat very sour pickles,

and they are soaking up the brine for your song.

- They like the song that much?

- The people in charge of Unity Day

are going to love seeing you perform your original song

on this popular show.

They tend to follow the trends.

Whew, this is such a great opportunity

to debut this Bumper banger.

- Is that what we're calling it?

[laughs nervously] I don't like that title.

And you're sure it's the song from last night?

- Yes, t-the one you wrote last night.

Thea will back you up live.

You'll answer a few questions while eating pickles.

I hope you have a sour tooth.

- You know...

I feel the more I think about it,

the more I think that that song sucks.

Mm-hmm. I mean, it's a good song, but it sucks.

- What? The song is great.

It's what got Thea on board.

We love it, and soon all of Germany will love it.

They'll be playing it at every charming Christmas market

and completely free day-care center

all across this great land.

Ah, don't second-guess yourself.

If this appearance goes well, you're gonna be way ahead

of Gisela on the race for Unity Day.

And if you get nervous,

just talk about how much you love Germany.

And we'll all be there together,

because teamwork makes the cream...

"thirk."

Like, it "thirkens" it up?

Is this is the phrase?

Oh, I bet it is.

Eh, I'll Google it.

- So that's-- Uh...

[dramatic music]

[sighs]

* *

- Listen, we are about to perform together,

and I want this to be good.

So tell me what is bothering you,

so we can get it over with

and never have to have a personal conversation again.

- It's nothing, nope.

- You clearly want to talk.

You're like a teen boy who just saw "Fight Club."

So out with it.

- Okay, fine.

Hypothetically, I made a girl mad at me.

Like, I stole her...

staircase?

I did a bad thing, all right?

Which, fine, guilty as charged, but then I apologized,

which is the thing you're supposed to do,

and she's still upset-- it's not fair.

- An apology doesn't guarantee forgiveness.

Sometimes people are just mad.

I am mad every day at the idea of spelling.

How dare words tell me what to do, right?

Hi! - Hello.

- Um...

Bumper Allen and DJ Das Boot for "Sour Pickles."

- Yeah, Miss Boot, please go upstairs.

- Thank you.

- Every time I messed up in the past,

everyone was just like,

"Oh, that's just Bumper being Bumper,"

and they forgave me immediately.

I never would take out the trash.

Bumper being Bumper.

Put chili in the Keurig.

That's just Bumper being Bumper.

Got the lawyer wet.

Bumper being Bumper.

I just wish everyone liked me so I could feel good.

- You're clearly not going to stop talking

until I pretend to care.

It seems like you're only interested

in making yourself feel better. - Mm-hmm.

- For once, try thinking about someone else's feelings.

- Wow. Me think about someone else?

Okay, uh...

the only other person I can think of right now

is Clarence Thomas?

I don't even remember who that is.

- Bumper...

just sing.

- * One day they'll know my name *

[pop music playing]

* One day they'll know my name *

* *

* One day I'm gonna make it out this room *

* I don't have nothing to lose *

* I'll be patient 'cause I know it's on the way *

* One day they'll know my name *

[cheers and applause] - Wow.

[cheers and applause continue]

- Whoo!

Yeah!

- Thank you.

[upbeat music]

* *

- Well, it's a beautiful song you've written.

- And it really is for everybody.

- Yes. - Little kids,

airline gate attendants, scuba treasure hunters--

everyone.

- So let's now move on to the interview.

Bumper, you will eat increasingly sour pickles

while you answer questions. - Okay.

- So please take up your first pickle.

- [clears throat] Okay. - Question number--

- Before we get to munching, I do have, um--

This looks delicious. Thank you.

But, um, I do have one thing that I'd like to say.

I didn't actually write that song.

All the credit goes to Heidi...

Fraren?

- Wait, Heidi wrote that song?

You're Heidi.

- Yeah, I just, uh--

I was just messing around with something.

- Well, that is quite a revelation.

- You did not write this song?

Pickle number two.

- Moving on quick, okay.

- But your manager, Pieter Kramer,

told us that you conjured it out of thin air.

Pickle me this, did famous liar Pieter Kramer lie again?

- Oh, no. - No.

- Oh, my God. - Absolutely not.

- No. - No, this is my fault.

See, we-- - So you misinformed Pieter,

and he never lied?

Pickle number three.

- Uh, yeah, well, I wouldn't say--

[chokes, shudders]

This one's got a little pep to it.

I wouldn't say that he never lied.

I mean, he lies,

'cause he lied to get me to move to Germany, but--

Oh, my God.

- What is he doing?

- Well, you have heard it here first.

Disgraced mouth-musician- turned-mouth-manager

Pieter Kramer lies again.

- No, no, okay, let's, let's--

Oh, yeah, this is really sour.

Let's switch topics

and talk about how happy I am here in Germany,

'cause it's great-- the high-speed trains,

low-interest home loans I've been told?

And that hottie Angela Merkel--

whoo, wouldn't mind twerking on that Merk.

- Do you think it's appropriate to say that

about our former chancellor?

- Chancellor? I hardly know her.

[laughs]

But I will by the end of the day, know what I mean?

- Well, congratulations, Bumper Allen.

Your various gaffes mean it is time for our segment

"You Have Gotten Yourself in a Horrible Pickle."

Now say it with me.

[horn blares]

all: Good luck getting

out of this one!

[loud pop, cheers and applause]

[dramatic music]

- Let's just review what happened.

We went in to promote your song

and show the world how charming you are.

We left with you admitting it wasn't your song at all,

which you didn't even promote because you were all

too busy assassinating my reputation

and objectifying Angela Merkel?

[groans] - Can I please have a chair?

- No. Chairs are for good boys.

This is gonna set you way back with the Unity Day bookers.

No one is gonna take you seriously when that comes out--

or me seriously.

- I was just trying to do right by Heidi.

- Oh, well, you didn't,

because now the debut of my first song ever

is a PR disaster.

- I'm never gonna outrun my shameful past.

This is gonna bring us so much bad press,

while Gisela just Rollerblades her way

all the way to the newcomer spot unimpeded

and, in all likelihood, braless.

- You...

you are incredibly talented.

But I'm out.

If anyone who is not Bumper needs me,

I'll be at my favorite abandoned factory.

[train rumbling, objects clattering]

[door closes]

- Maybe I should resign, stop trying to rehab my image.

- I'm gonna have to live off German unemployment.

How am I supposed to survive on 90,000 euros a year

with benefits? - No.

No, okay?

You can't quit. You can't give up on me.

I will fix this.

- Oh...kay. - Oh, da.

- No, shut up, listen. Listen to me.

I'm gonna fix this.

I will talk to the hosts.

I will explain everything, and they'll kill the episode,

and they'll probably give me a do-over, maybe even a medal.

I'll fix it. I'm gonna fix it.

[door opens] - Oh, God.

- [groans] [door closes]

[electronic music]

* *

- Cool. It's like a scary adult preschool.

* *

- You came.

- I'm sorry. Is it okay?

I just needed a change of scenery.

- This is a safe space emotionally.

Physically, it's full of tetanus.

- Oh. Eh...

- So...

how are you feeling?

- Uh, I don't know.

Not good.

I know Bumper was just trying to do the right thing,

but he messed up my whole plan--

write songs in secret for decades,

release one perfect album,

and then walk away while I'm on top

to become a self-righteous animal rights activist.

- Wow.

You got the next six years planned out.

- Yeah. - Sounds hard.

I don't even know how I'm gonna end this sentence.

Basketball, milkshake, Denmark.

- I've always been this way.

There were just so many things

that I couldn't control when I was a little kid

moving around all the time.

I am literally allergic to chaos.

My head swells up like a beach ball

if someone changes a dinner reservation.

- That's no way to live a life.

- Mm.

- That changes today.

Eccentrics, gather around.

It's time to fix an American. [cheering]

- Oh, have you guys done this before?

Stranger danger.

- Heidi being mad at me-- worst feeling I've ever felt

in my entire life,

and I've had hemorrhoids before and also now.

Wait, you're not still mad at me, are you?

Please say no. - Well, I'm angry at--

- The situation? Me too.

This situation is so bad.

Me, Bumper-- I'm a good guy.

Frankly, this situation can hike up a volcano

and dip the tip in lava.

I'm glad we're on the same page, Pieter.

- [sighs]

[clears throat] Hello.

Um, Pieter Kramer, Bumper Allen.

We're just going back up to the "Sour Pickles" studios.

- I'm sorry, guys, but your appointment is over.

I cannot let you up.

- [through clenched teeth] Okay, I'll make a distraction,

then you make a run for it, okay?

[normal voice] Oh, my God, that man has a gun!

- [laughing] Where would he get a gun?

This is Germany, guys.

- Stupid, safe, wonderful country.

- [sighs] Okay. Heidi...

give me a tattoo...

of anything you want.

- What? No.

I don't know how to tattoo someone.

- Guess what. I don't care.

Put your worst art ever out there.

Nothing you make is ever going to be as bad as this,

or as permanent.

- Where did you even get this pen from?

From the ground?

That's where worms have sex.

- If you don't tattoo me in ten seconds, I will tattoo you.

Ten... - No you won't.

- Nine... - You're lying.

- Eight... - Okay, okay!

- Se-- - Okay.

I will tattoo you.

Take a seat, madam.

Do you want me to do it in front of all these people?

- Yep. - Oh, so this is where--

where you want me to do?

Okay.

I will do it. [chuckles nervously]

Mm.

Does that hurt?

It seems like it doesn't hurt her at all.

Oh, mm.

Oh, wow, I am really good at this.

I think I might have found my calling.

This is awesome. Oh, my God, I did it.

I did it! I did it, I did it, I did it!

- You did! What is it, though?

A bowling ball?

- It's my favorite actress-- Sandra Bullock.

Everyone loves Sandy.

- See?

You weren't prepared.

You can't fix it.

But you survived.

Though I'm not sure I will.

I think you hit bone.

- Oh, this feels amazing.

Normally I don't go anywhere without an A-plus health grade

and a visible choking-safety poster,

but this is the beginning of a brand-new Heidi.

Do any of you guys want a tattoo?

I'm a pro now. [all muttering]

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, God, it's Bumper. - Oh.

- "Couldn't even get past the turnstiles.

"Gonna drink, bye. Siri, find the closest bar.

"Oh, shit, I'm still texting. Siri, stop texting.

Oh, no, this text is going to cost me so much money."

[sighs] You know, my plans are screwed,

and things are already out of my control.

Maybe I should just improvise.

Yeah.

Let's go save my song.

And you know what?

You know what?

I am finally gonna get an electric toothbrush.

What am I waiting for, an invitation?

[laughs] Whoo!

- We have an appointment. - Of course.

- Can you believe it?

I didn't even know that's what I was going to say

until seconds before I said it--

parsnip, injection, catacomb.

[rhythmic smacking and clanking]

- * And a decent whiskey for the day *

* When I'm gone, when I'm gone, mm-hmm *

* You're gonna miss me when I'm gone *

You'd never believe it,

but this was, like, a huge deal.

Everyone loved it. They lost their minds for it.

- They loved it?

- I don't get it either.

I'm sorry I messed everything up.

- So Heidi really wrote that song?

Heidi? - Yeah.

It was...

magic.

- She's worked for me for seven years.

I knew she went to music school,

but she never told me she could do that.

I'm trying to be a manager. I can't even detect

talent directly under my nose. - I know.

- My mustache could be Oscar Isaac,

and I wouldn't know.

Maybe I deserve to have my career destroyed.

- Seems harsh.

- I guess it's true what they say...

you miss 100% of the shots you take.

When the episode comes out, pin it all on me.

Pin that tall tale on this tall donkey.

Tell them I demanded you lie about the song.

You can still make Unity Day.

You can still be a star without me.

- Pieter, don't talk like that.

- Oh, God, now I can't even talk right?

- Hey, sad boys. Got big news.

We talked to the hosts of "Sour Pickles"--

- Wait, you got into the building? How?

- It wasn't that hard. - Was it a disguise?

Or you slid underneath the turnstiles,

then whipped out nunchucks like turtle power?

- Shut up. Shut up.

We got "Sour Pickles" to pull the episode.

- All we have to do is have Pieter give an interview

about Gisela's involvement in the DSM scandal.

They've heard rumors that she was responsible,

but they've never been able to confirm it.

Pieter...

is it true?

- It's true.

[electronic music]

Ultimately, it was my fault.

I was the one who pushed the button,

but, yes, technically, Gisela was the one

who thought to use the sound machine

for Das Sound Machine.

[crowd cheering]

However, it was I who flipped it on and I who was caught.

I promised I would never reveal her involvement.

[crying]

We were dating and in love at the time.

- [shouting in German]

- I did it!

* *

She left me immediately after the news broke.

* *

And then my heart broke.

- Oh.

- Pieter, I had no idea. Why didn't you tell us?

- My sense of honor

always outweighed my desire for revenge,

and also, I maybe still have stupid feelings for her,

which I deal with by doing 1,000 push-ups every day.

- Oh, my God, you still love her.

- Yes, I know it's shameful, but I find her so irresistible.

It's the part of me I like the least,

and I have seven nipples,

and they are not where you think they are.

- Okay.

So let me get this straight.

If you do this,

my disaster interview goes away,

and you throw dirt on our main rival for Unity Day,

and the story makes you seem more sympathetic,

and it helps repair your reputation,

and it gets you over your toxic ex?

Guys?

Okay, I'll be the one to say it.

This certainly feels

like a "kill a bunch of birds with one stone" situ-aish.

* We making down pillows tonight, boys *

And girls.

- Never do that again. But maybe he's right.

Gisela deserves everything that's coming to her.

Gut her, Pieter. End it once and for all.

- This is the right thing to do.

Gisela's your competition.

[sighs] She's also bad,

even if she also makes me horny

and the thought of hurting her makes me feel

like I'm wearing someone else's wet bathing suit.

Oh, why must I still pine for her sweet sherbet kisses?

What a cruel reality of life

that we can't choose for whom we ooze.

[sighs] I'm just glad I can do something to help you, Bumper.

- Oh, God.

You can't do this.

- What do you mean?

- It's not right.

I mean, sure, it would get me off the hook,

but that's not your job--

certainly not at the expense of your heart.

No.

It's my job.

I mean, you got me here.

You set me on the path to Unity Day.

[sighs] I have to right this ship.

[sucks teeth] I mean, it's my dream.

I have to start taking responsibility for my actions.

- Then what are you going to do?

- [sighs] I think I have to do something

I haven't done in a very long time.

- What's that?

- Try to think of something.

- Yeah.

[dramatic music]

- I told my friends I'd fix this, but...

I have no idea how.

- It's like my coach from the East German Olympics team

used to say-- don't do the high jump

if you've taken the steroids for shot put.

Play to your strengths.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

Well, the only thing I'm good at is ruining things.

* *

Wait a minute.

- No.

* *

- [chuckles]

* *

- Bumper.

- Tell me you didn't call an emergency team meeting

to get matching jackets.

- No, but we should put a pin in that,

because that is a very, very good idea.

Okay, so you know how I always mess everything up?

- Yes. - Oh, yes.

- Big-time.

- Okay, well, what if this time,

I mess something up on purpose...

to help us?

Would you guys trust me to do that?

- Yeah, actually. - Actually, yes.

- Thank you.

Because what I have in store is gonna make

"Sour Pickles" look like small p--

pickles.

[distant cheering] - Yeah.

- Here we go.

[crowd cheering]

- Hello, my little Gise-lads

and Gise-lasses!

- And what's up, all my Bumper Gump shrimps?

- Yes! Bumper Gump shrimps!

Bumper Gump shrimps! - Gump shrimps!

- Bumper Gump shrimps-- shrimps...

- [through clenched teeth] What the hell

do you think you're doing, you silly little kinder man?

Are you perhaps lost on your way

to one of Berlin's many world-famous chocolate shops

or museums? [laughs]

- No, I was just thinking,

what if we turn this little concert

into a little riff-off?

[crowd cheering]

- Of course you are challenging me to a whiff-off.

You Americans, you are obsessed with your whiff-offs.

- Whiff-off? - Yeah, a whiff-off.

- It's a riff-off. - Whiff-off.

- Riff-off. - You said whiff-off.

I said whiff-off. - Okay.

- And I would love to be a part of the whiff-off,

but, unfortunately, the a cappella bylaws

clearly say a "quowum" of a cappella peers

must be "pwesent"

for a whiff-off to be legally binding.

So it's sad, yeah.

- It's actually not sad, nein.

It's not sad at all,

because if you were to reread page 45, paragraph 7,

it clearly states,

"In the case of an international riff-off

"within 100 kilometers of a fordable river,

the quorum can be waived"!

[cheers and applause]

- All right, then, what are the stakes?

- If I win,

I get to say whatever I want

to all of your followers on your livestream.

all: Ooh!

- Okay, and, uh, when I win?

- If you win, I will...

go back to America...

all: Ooh! [cheers and applause]

Today.

- All right, then, I agree to your terms.

But we are on my home turf,

so the theme is Germany.

You will sing German songs,

and I will sing American songs.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

- You're about to go down.

* Here I am *

* Rock you like a hurricane *

* Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! *

- [beatboxing] - * Here I am *

* Rock you like a-- *

- * But I have to charge *

* My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard *

* And they're like, it's better than yours *

* Damn right, it's better than yours *

* I can teach you * [singers vocalizing]

* I know you want it *

* The things that makes me-- *

- [hisses]

- * Du hast, du hast mich * - [beatboxes]

- * Nyah, nyah, nyah *

- * Do what I wanna do *

singers: * It's my prerogative *

- * Oh, no, no * [all beatboxing]

* Don't ask me questions *

* Why am I so real? *

* But they don't understand-- *

- * No one understands what Major Tom sees *

* Now the light commands *

- You're supposed to be helping me.

* I'm coming home * - * Four, three, two, one *

* Yeah! * - * Earth below us *

* Drifting, falling *

- You're supposed to be doing my song.

- * Floating weightless * - Oh!

- * Calling, calling-- *

- * We could be homeless, we could be broke *

* As long as you love me, I'll be your platinum *

* I'll be your silver, I'll be your gold *

* As long as you love-- *

- * No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no *

both: * No, no *

- Oh, Gisela.

Ooh, you lose.

- What do you mean?

- You see, Justin Bieber...

is Canadian!

all: Ooh.

- Those were your rules, so--

- But he lives in America, and he loves money and fame,

and he peed in the bucket.

- And yet his blood runs maple.

[Canadian accent] Sorry "aboot" it.

[laughs] Where's the livestream?

Hey!

What's up? I'm Bumper Allen!

Check out my new song, written by my girl

Heidi Miller!

[cheers and applause]

You are so lucky you have an ex who is looking after you.

Your career almost ended today.

I know about the thing.

- The bathroom looked like that before I went in there,

I swear.

- I'm talking about the DSM thing.

Your thing sounds gross.

I won!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

- Off. - Thank you.

Thank you.

* *

[music playing softly, indistinct chatter]

- Pieter just heard that "Sour Pickles"

pulled your interview since you scooped them

on releasing your song.

- Just to say it, I would love to work with you

whenever you're ready.

We are the most talented here, anyway.

- You know it. [chuckles] - [grunts]

[groans] Sorry, my tattoo's a little tender.

- Sorry.

- Team, great work today.

And seeing Gisela glistening up there onstage

inspired me to make a resolution of the heart.

I deserve better than to be in love

with the very woman who destroyed me.

I will try to have the self-respect of a man

with way fewer nipples.

From here on out,

I will no longer be under the spell of Gisela.

From now on, my heart belongs to you all.

- Turtle power.

- Turtle power. - Turtle power.

- Whoo!

- Hello, Pieter.

- Gisela.

- I heard you saved my hide today,

and so I thought you might as well feel it.

[intriguing music]

* *

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0