Original subtitles

[harmonica blows]

- [clears throat]

* Can't live without me *

* You wanna, but you can't, no, no, no *

- [beatboxing] - * You think it's funny *

* But honey, can't run this show on your own *

* I can feel my body shake *

* There's only so much I can take *

* I'll show you how a real queen behaves *

- * Oh, oh, oh *

- * No damsel in distress *

* Don't wanna save me *

* Once I start breathin' fire, you can't tame me *

* You might think I'm weak without a sword *

* But if I had one, it'd be bigger than yours *

* If all of the kings had their queens on the throne *

* We would pop champagne and raise a toast *

* To all of the queens who are fighting alone *

* Baby, you're not dancin' on your own *

* Whoa-oa-oa-oa *

* Oa-oa-oa-whoa-oa *

* In chess, the king can move one space at a time *

* But queens are free to go wherever they like *

* You get too close, you'll get a royalty high *

* So breathe it in to feel the love *

all: * If all of the kings had their queens on the throne *

* We would pop champagne and raise a toast *

- * I'll be your queen! * all: * To all of the queens *

* Who are fighting alone *

* Baby, you're not dancin' on your own *

[all panting]

[mic feedback]

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

That's what I'm talkin' about, Tonehangers!

That felt good! - Oh, yeah.

- The elderly at Heritage Retirement Center

will not know what hit 'em next month.

- Bumper, we probably don't need the choreo.

Nana says that if we break one more tchotchke,

she'll cut me out of the will.

- Okay, shut up. Guys, what are we doin'?

We're not done. Come on.

Take it from the top.

[hums]

* We're not at one yet *

* Let's take it to one, come on *

- No, man, man, man, we gotta go.

I got the kids tonight

'cause Katie's got her soba-making class.

- Are you serious?

- A ca-serious.

- Okay, we're acting like

we're a bunch of middle-aged men all of a sudden.

both: We are.

- Come on, let's take it from the top.

[hums]

- No, man. We got stuff to do.

- [laughs] Yeah. No, duh.

I got--I got stuff.

Got a lot of stuff, actually, to do, so...

- All right. - Good.

- I have to lock up. That's an important thing.

There's a blood drive here early tomorrow.

They said that I can't give 'cause I drink too much juice.

[laughs]

And--and--and let's not be strangers on the text chain!

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself!

- Hey, uh, did you get the job posting I sent you,

the telemarketing position at my firm?

You'd be perfect. - Yeah, I got it.

I deleted it immediately. - What? Why?

- I can't give up what I have here--

access to rehearsal space whenever I want it,

as long as there's not something else booked.

- And you think spinning your wheels

at Barden's gonna get you somewhere?

- Yeah.

I have to focus on what I'm good at.

It's bound to pay off someday,

and then I'll be a famous singer,

and Amy will finally talk to me again.

And these keys right here?

These keys are gonna be keys

to all the different cities that I'm the mayor of.

- Right, no, that's a rock-solid plan.

I just--I just always thought you'd be the first outta here.

- Yeah, when in fact,

I have to be the last,

because I'm the one who locks up.

[both chuckle]

[lights clanking off]

[cell phone buzzes]

* Brr-ing, brr-ing *

That's weird.

Looks like I'm gettin' a call from "The Matrix."

Hello?

- [German accent] Bumper Allen, is this you?

- Hell yeah.

Who's this?

- I have been following you since college, Bumper Allen.

I am such a fan. - You are?

- In college, you were Der Knig der Mundmusik--

the King of the Mouth Music.

- * Please don't stop the *

all: * Please don't stop the music *

- And I loved you on my favorite

chair-based reality show, "The Voice."

- * Give your all to me *

* I'll give my all to you *

Adam, turn around! Everybody's doin' it, baby!

They love me!

America loves me!

Yeah, that was a setback,

but it's no big deal.

Everybody has to go home from "The Voice"

at some point, even the winner.

- But you were still able to share your gift with the world

throughder Ticken-Tocken.

- [sings "99 Luftballons" by Nena]

[singing in German]

* On me, take on me *

* Take me on *

* Take on...*

Yeah, that was a fun one.

I had my Mennonite landlord teach me all the funny words.

Wait.

How do you know all this?

Are you a pervert?

- A pervert for talent.

My name is Pieter Kramer, and...

we have met before.

* DSM! DSM goin' in on the verse 'cause *

* They never been defeated and they won't stop now! *

- Pieter, from Das Sound Machine?

The rival a cappella group

to my former a cappella group's rival a cappella group?

- Ja, I'm calling because your mashup

of "99 Luftballons" and "Take On Me"

has become a huge hit on TikTok here in Germany.

It went from 156 views

to 7.6 million views in just the past week.

- Wait, are you serious?

- I'm German. Of course I'm serious.

- Holy shit!

7.6 million views?

That's--that's, like, a million views.

- Move to Berlin and work with me.

I can make you a star.

- [laughs] Look.

I am lovin' this blast from the past.

I mean, who doesn't love a good B from the P?

- Huh? - But move to Berlin right now?

- Yes. - Nope.

Nope, I got a pretty big gig comin' up

for a pretty prominent nana.

I'm kinda the Michael Bublé of palliative care.

- Bumper, you're famous in Germany.

Look. [sighs]

I'm a very important manager now.

We only have a brief window of viral fame,

and we have to take advantage of it.

All you need to do is ask yourself:

will.i.am, or won't.i.am?

- [whispers] Oh, my God.

It's all happening.

- I can still hear you.

- Just as I imagined.

- Do you want me to respond or--

- All those failures were worth it,

because now...

I'll never fail again.

- Oh, I see. It's a monologue.

Sorry, continue.

- Pieter? - Yes?

- Start pouring your finest Bordeaux

and plating your finest Boeuf Bourguignon,

'cause I'm moving to Germany, baby!

Whoo! Bumper's back!

[upbeat music]

* *

both: * Berlin *

* Danke, danke, danke *

* Danke schoen *

* *

* Berlin *

* Berlin *

* Danke, danke, d-d-danke *

- Danke.

both: * Danke shoen *

- Wow, it is beautiful.

* *

both: * Danke, danke, danke *

* Danke schoen *

- Hey, Tonehangers, look where I'm at!

Germany. I made it.

It was like magic.

I'm the Berlin Merlin.

[descending tone]

"You are now roaming.

This text costs you $17."

Worth it.

- Bumper Allen! You made it!

- Pieter Kramer, manager to the stars!

I'm the star.

- Welcome--oh!

Oh! - Yes!

- Oh, yes! - Oh!

- Yes... - I'm so excited.

- [groaning] - I'm so excited.

Thank you so much. - Okay.

We can keep going. - Thank you so much.

- Yes, I will release you now. Yeah, okay.

- Germany is so cool.

Your walk sign guy wears a hat. - Yeah. Yes.

[sirens wail] - And what is that?

What is that, foreign police sirens?

They go down instead of up? - Yeah.

- I feel like I'm Jason Bourne

but with the memories of my shitty past.

- Oh, thank God. - Yeah.

- Well, the magic has only just begun, my friend.

Come!

[upbeat music]

Join me, Bumper Allen, on your road to superstardom.

- Wow, this building is ancient.

It must be, like, 100 years old.

- Welcome to the office.

* *

- Okay.

It's a cool view. [U-Bahn screeching]

- This is a traditional Berlin welcome gift:

a tiny ice cream cone.

- Okay, and how do you pronounce that?

Ice cream "kuhn."

- Ice cream cone.

- Ice cream "kuhn."

- Ice cream cone.

- Oh, it's an ice cream cone? - Yes.

- Oh, okay. Yeah, I got it.

- Oh. - Oh, my God, is that him?

- Yes, our star has arrived!

That's my assistant, Heidi.

- I'm his assistant, Heidi! - See?

- Hi! Bice to meet you, Bumper!

I was just fixing the toilet paper

so it rolled the right way.

- Over, not under, right? - Uh, you know it.

I'm not a literal serial killer.

[laughter] - Totally.

And whoa, I can barely hear your accent.

- Oh! Oh, no, no, no. I'm American.

I was an army brat and just never left.

- Oh. - Heidi is amazing, Bumper.

She'll be your assistant too.

- Speaking of, you are going to want...

This.

It is very hard to find American cheese in Germany,

and you have no idea how addicted you are

to neon dairy products until you can't find them.

And you are going to want to take this caffeine pill--

hold, please, thank you... - Okay.

- In exactly 1 minute and 40 seconds to avoid jet lag.

I'll set my watch. - That is so thoughtful.

And honestly, perfect combo.

I can't take a pill unless I put it in a...

both: Slice of cheese like a dog.

- Me too. What? - Me too. What?

- Okay!

Now that you're here,

I can share my very exciting plan for you.

In two months, I'm gonna get you booked on--wait for it--

The German Unity Day concert!

[imitates fireworks]

- Whoa!

What's German Unity Day?

- German Unity Day is a huge concert every October

commemorating the fall of the Wall.

It's like the Fourth of July

meets the Super Bowl Halftime Show,

except that we are way cooler about showing nipples here.

- There's always one spot reserved

for the hottest new artist.

It's basically a popularity contest,

so we will build up your exposure and get you that spot.

And guess what.

You've already booked your first show!

How do you feel about performing your mashup

at a festival tomorrow?

- Tomorrow?

Wow, I didn't realize it was happening that fast.

I haven't sang by myself in a while.

- I would not have booked this if you couldn't do it.

Now, why don't we get you moved into your new accommodations?

[sentimental music]

- I just want to thank you so much--

both of you.

Two days ago, I was a nobody,

and now I'm a celebrity

with my own concert tomorrow...

[mumbles incoherently]

in Germany... [watch beeps]

- Oh, God! Time for the pill!

[hopeful music]

- You know, I've been close to stardom before, but...

now it's actually happening.

It feels like a dream, and, like, a good one too--

not like the one where I'm in my childhood room

and my mom is sittin' on the corner of my bed,

and she's holding her teeth in her hand, asking,

"Bumpy, what do I do?"

I'm like, "I don't know."

* *

- Mmm. How do you like the doner?

- What kind of meat is this?

- Oh, it is made with dead animals.

- Mmm, yeah. Meat! - Yeah.

both: Yeah. - Oh, wow.

[speaks German]

- [speaks German]

[laughter] - Boom!

[camera shutter clicks] - Nice to see ya!

- Did I just get recognized?

- Oh, yes. They are huge fans.

- I should get photos, send it to my ex, Amy.

- Oh, how's Amy?

- I wouldn't know. She blocked me years ago.

[laughs] That is so awesome.

- So we are almost at your hostel.

- Okay, in English, I think it's actually pronounced

"five-star hotel."

Simple mistake. - Oh, sorry.

But our English is perfect.

Germans speak English far better than Americans.

- [laughs] No, they doesn't.

- Und here we are!

[sighs]

- Ah...

rustic. - Yes.

- So rustic. - After you.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh.

- Voilà!

Welcome home!

[gong rings]

- You must be Mr. Bumper.

I'm Ursula Beckmann, and I'm the matron here.

I truly am meeting you.

- Nice to meet you too.

Oh, you didn't say, "Nice to meet you."

- Well, I don't know if it's nice to meet you yet.

We Germans are very precise with our language.

You may end up being the death of me or my greatest treasure.

We shall see. - Okay.

[jazz music playing]

* *

- Okay, and this is where I'm staying?

Oh. - You will be inspired here!

Much better than a five-star hotel.

- Is it? - Yes.

Now, I've got some managing to do,

but you get some rest.

We need you fresh for your show tomorrow.

- Oh, no. I am not tired.

I got too much energy. Let's go do something.

- Okay.

- I'll get nervous if I'm alone.

- Oh, um, it's just boring business stuff.

I'm meeting with a DJ who wants to produce you.

You'll need original music eventually

to get booked on Unity Day,

but you don't want to see how the sausage is made.

- Uh...I'm in Germany.

That's exactly what I wanna do.

- Yeah, and while you guys are gone,

I'm gonna do a little bit of shopping for Bumper.

He seems to have brought an odd number of socks,

and his only dress shirt has

all the Looney Tunes rappelling from the collar.

- That little Taz.

Tweety's cool too.

Let's go.

- Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

[thumping techno music]

* *

This is just so cool!

I can't believe you guys party like this in the afternoon.

Ah, I'm so jet-lagged, I don't even know what time it is.

It's, like--like, 5:00?

- Actually, yes, but the other 5:00, and it's tomorrow!

- * Malignant *

* *

- Now, enjoy yourself and dance!

- Okay!

- DJ Das Boot!

* *

[flute plays]

Whoo!

DJ Das Boot!

D-D-D-D-DJ Das Boot! - [sighs]

- Yeah, I brought you this amazing American talent

to collaborate with!

[speaks German]

Don't be like that.

- Dude, we don't have to beg, okay?

Let's just not work with this butthead.

- No, we are working with this butthead. Come on.

Das Boot is our ticket to Unity Day.

* *

- * Malignant *

- Thea, this is Bumper.

Bumper, this is my sister, Thea.

- Your sister?

I'm sorry, you guys are brother and sister?

- Yes, we're related. - Why do you

look like that then? - What?

- Nice to meet you. My name is Bumper.

You might recognize me from such viral hits

as "'99 Luftballons' Mashup,"

and "Local Man Slips on Ice and Penis Falls Out."

- You have a backpfeifengesicht.

A face that is deserving of a slap.

- Yo, I actually get that-- I get that a lot.

It's my round cheeks coupled with my whole personality.

- Bumper is the next superstar, and you are always looking

for that fresh, new sound to produce.

And besides, wouldn't it be fun to work together?

You're so busy! We never get to hang out.

We could be like the Pointer Sisters.

[gasps] Or the Menendez brothers!

Lyle, Erik.

- And I'm Cousin Tony.

I'm like, "No, don't kill 'em, no!"

- "Oh, too late!" [both laugh]

- Okay, shut up.

I have a brand to uphold,

and he doesn't seem up to my musical standards.

- Yeah, right.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hello?

Hi, I got one thing to say to you!

[techno music fades]

* Turn around *

* Every now and then, I get a little bit lonely *

* And you're never comin' 'round *

See? You're impressed.

You didn't realize that I have a face of an angel,

and also-- * The voice of an angel *

That's the double angel, y'all.

- Good for you, little boy.

- Aw, man. Thea, come to work!

- [slurps]

[gags]

There's a cigarette butt. How is that even possible?

[toilet flushes]

- Thea, please.

Don't make a decision until you see him perform

at Pretzel Fest tomorrow.

You know Unity Day is a popularity contest.

We need your clout.

You can't turn your back on family.

We have the same back!

- I'm sorry, Pieter.

I know no one will work with you,

but I can't give up my artistic integrity, even for family.

But yeah, let's totally have dinner next week.

It's been too long.

I'm available after 2:00 a.m.

[solemn music]

* *

- Okay, dude. What gives?

Ever since I arrived, things have been a little off,

and your cool sister says that no one will work with you?

What the hell is going on?

- [sighs] You don't want to hear about it.

It's so juicy.

Okay. [sighs]

DSM had a public scandal last year,

and we are an absolute disgrace.

Dat Sound Machine is Germany's second greatest shame.

- What's Germany's first greatest sh--

oh, yep.

- It all started when our beatboxer's mouth

became riddled with herpes after a biological attack

from a rival a cappella group--

we suspect it was the Dutch team, Holland Oates--

which rendered him useless.

I set up a sound effect board offstage

for him to lip-synch to--

an actual das Sound Machine.

I was madly in love with my girlfriend, Gisela,

my DSM co-captain.

I wanted to make sure we'd win at all costs,

but we were found out and disgraced.

No loops!

The sound machine malfunctioned

and kept playing after we stopped.

Gisela dumped me, the group dissolved,

and I was blacklisted as a singer.

They took away my throat steamer and my badge.

Without the ability to sing,

I tried to shift my career to music management,

but no one would work with me except for Heidi.

She sees the good in everybody.

[toilet flushes]

- You broke the cardinal rule of a cappella.

If you use an instrument,

that's just cappella!

- I accept your disgust.

A former singer and an outcast.

Just call me Pariah Carey!

- No.

I'm gonna call me a new manager.

- Actually, I don't know that you will.

- Pfft. - You are viral on TikTok.

But I may have exaggerated slightly how famous you are.

Nobody remembers who sang that TikTok,

and plenty of other people have gone viral since.

- You lied to me?

Did those random Germans in the street even recognize me?

- Yeah, no, no. Yes, they did.

But it was from your penis falling out video,

not from your TikTok.

- [laughs]

Oh, my God.

I'm the same failure I was a week ago,

except now, I'm stuck in a foreign country

without friends, without a passport--

- Really? - Because I threw it away.

I thought it was a one-use thing.

- That's a valuable legal document.

- I thought it was like a napkin or a receipt.

None of this is real.

- The plan is real.

You're not a star yet, but you will be.

I was always going to come clean eventually,

and I didn't mean to hurt you.

- Well, you did. - I'm sorry.

I'm desperate, and I really believe in you.

- I've been disappointed a lot

by friends,

unfrosted cereal,

the color of my own peepee.

But this is the first time I was let down

by a random German man.

Bumper's out.

[dramatic music]

- * Ooh *

* Ah *

* *

- I just--I just always thought you'd be the first outta here.

- [grunting]

- I have a plan!

- [speaks German]

- [moaning]

- Mr. Bumper.

Mr. Bumper. - Oh!

[panting]

Oh, God. How long was I out for?

- 30 seconds, but your screams were very concentrated.

Tell me, were you playing a game of chess

against Death itself?

- No...

Ursula, I thought I had exactly what I wanted,

but I am right back to where I began:

an adult loser.

- If it's any consolation to you,

you're going to die someday.

- I don't know that it is, Ursula!

I'm sorry.

No offense, but I think I need to talk to somebody

who's 70% less German than you.

You get it?

[sighs]

[keyboard clicking]

[sighs]

Nope, I'm gonna get ready. - Me too.

[clank] Ow.

[somber music]

* *

[gentle music]

* *

- * Caroline collected sea glass *

* She liked how the light passed *

* Turning amber into blue *

* Elliot took a matchbook *

* From bars where the drinks looked *

* Like they're from 1922 *

* If they could only meet *

* But it isn't meant to be *

* 'Cause they live in different *

* Centuries *

[mid feedback] [clears throat]

Oh, sorry. I forgot the words.

[sighs]

[smattering of applause]

- Oh, so everyone, give it up for Karen Fraren.

[cheers and applause]

- [chuckles nervously] You got here early.

You were not meant to see that.

[speaks German]

- Heidi, that was incredible.

Sorry, should I say Karen Fraren?

- Erm, no, that was barely adequate.

I am not ready to play it for anyone yet.

I perform under Karen Fraren

so that I can get honest feedback on my songwriting,

but it is my little secret, so...

- Oh, well, that is hilarious.

All I've ever wanted was to be famous, on stage,

performing for millions of people

as they chant my legal name,

"Tim Allen! Tim Allen!"

- Yeah, well, you never get a second chance

to make a first impression,

and if I am not perfect when I step out as Heidi,

I will just be another American army brat

who stayed in Germany to go to music school,

who never made it-- tale as old as time.

- And this is just one guy's opinion,

but I thought Karen Fraren

was one of the best singers I've ever heard,

and I've seen Pentatonix live...

before they kicked me out for trying to climb on the stage.

- Uh, well, thank you,

but in your text, you seemed pretty upset.

What's going on?

- It's nothing.

It's just Pieter lied to me,

and I found out that I'm not famous

outside of one stupid TikTok, and--

- Yeah, I started to get the sense

that you didn't know the whole story.

- Yeah. - But I know Pieter.

I kept working for him after the DSM scandal

because his heart is in the right place.

- He just got my hopes up.

I thought Berlin was gonna change everything.

- It still could.

Do the show tomorrow.

7 million people watched your video.

That's, like, a million people. - That's what I said.

- And wouldn't two-days-ago Bumper kill for the chance

to sing on stage in front of an audience?

- Yeah.

If I do this, I have to start from scratch.

- If you're starting from scratch,

might as well start in a place where you have a new friend--

me.

[pensive music]

* *

[folk music]

* *

- Oh, thank God you came.

I had such a terrible night

not knowing if you would show up today.

I went home from the club at 3:00 a.m.

I was so worried.

- Well, I'm not here for you, okay?

I'm here for this.

This is what I've always wanted.

It's right here waiting for me?

I got nothing to lose.

You know what's waiting for me back home in America?

[chuckles] Just my cat.

Oh, my cat. - Oh, um...

- I've gotta call someone right after this.

Don't let me forget.

I'm never gonna get another call like yours again,

even if it was fake.

At least here, I have a small chance

at becoming someone special.

Small chance, but a chance.

* *

Hey. - Hey.

- Hey! My sister came!

Oh, how wonderful!

Maybe she'll work with us after all.

See? I told you I had a plan.

Okay, Bumper, they said there's just one opener,

and then you'll go on and crush it.

- Okay, yeah.

I just, I--I guess with all the lying and stuff,

I totally forgot that I'm actually very, very nervous

to go on stage alone.

You don't happen to have, like, ten Tonehangers on you, do you?

[cheers and applause]

- Please, everyone, give me a warm welcome

to our first act of the day,

Gisela!

[cheers and applause]

Come on! I can't hear you!

- Well, untwist my pretzel and pluck my guts.

- Who's Gisela?

- That's my ex-girlfriend, the one I told you about.

She must be trying a solo career now that DSM is over.

- Okay, so this is a bad thing then?

[cheering]

[dramatic music]

* *

- Hello, Berlin.

Today, I am going to sing two songs as one

in the name of unity.

- It looks like she's gunning for the German Unity Day too.

- I wonder what song she's gonna sing.

- [singing "99 Luftballons" by Nena]

- [chuckles]

What an idiot.

That's the song I was gonna sing.

- [singing in German]

- Oh, no.

- [singing in German]

* *

[cheers and applause]

[tense music]

* *

- Nope.

Mm-mm.

Nope!

- Bumper! - Nope, nope, nope!

[cheers and applause]

Nope, nope, nope, nope!

both: * Cause and effect *

* *

* Cause and effect *

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0