Original subtitles

Oh God!

Oh God!

By the power of Hephzibah, I compel you to oblivion!

Oh, a girl.

You'll need a needle for that one, Christina.

- That's cystic. - You're cystic.

How do you know what I need?

Because I'm your mother, and mothers know best.

Oh, you're right, Mother, you do know best.

I'm so glad you moved us to a new town in the middle of a school year,

so I get to restart seventh grade

- with a whole new group of kids. - Look, I know it's not ideal.

But... but... but don't blame me for the economy, okay?

- I gotta go where the work is. - Mom!

Use the crosswalk, you little gremlin!

You're lucky your mom's got the reflexes...

- ...of a goddamn cheetah.

I'm walking the rest of the way. I can't stand another minute with you.

- Are you sure you're okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

- What's going on? Are you feeling fussy? - What?

- Your little rosebuds tender? Tell me. - Stop it! Ew!

- Mom! Get off of me! - Let me feel. Let me feel them!

- Goodbye! - Hey, does this hurt?

- A... and don't forget new school rules.

- Assume everyone is a murderer

until proven otherwise.

- Christina?

MALE STUDENT 1: Oh, my favorite actor got cancelled this year.

...and I was like, "Yes, Mom, I do love

"my followers more than you."

- MALE STUDENT 2: Is that a new girl?

- Ooh!

Hey, guy. Mind if I share this locker with you?

MALE STUDENT 4: Hey, heads up! Behind ya, motherfucker!

- Gotcha, little one. Um. Hi. - Hi.

I believe this thirty-legged friendly centipede is yours?

- Oh, oh, yeah. - Yeah.

- Thanks. - You're new here, right?

- Uh-huh. - I'm Bennigan.

Resident self-appointed school greeter.

- So... - Oh, hi. I'm Chrissy.

- Hi. - Did you know the technical name

of the house centipede is Scutigera coleoptrata?

- Coleoptrata. Yeah! - Oh, you knew!

- I totally knew.

Nerds!

- Uh. So, there's like, this... - Yeah.

...party tonight at the abandoned Taco Chateau

on Concord Pike. You should go. And I'll go.

And then that way we're kind of going together?

- Huh? - Okay.

- Uh. Have to bathroom now. - Oh.

Oh, my God. Please forget I just said that.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Don't... don't worry, I've flushed it from my memory, so...

Probably shouldn't have eaten that block of cheese last night.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Not today! - MALE BULLY 1: Come on, get in here!

May I suggest the boys' room?

Men have taken so much from women already.

Girls don't poo-poo, dumbass. God, I hate nerds.

- Bennigan! - MALE BULLY 2: Me too.

My mom left my awesome dad for a nerd.

Now, instead of football games, we visit historical bridges.

Bridges! Gross!

Now, let's get you on my livestream, so everyone can watch you bleed.

- Don't! - Uh. This feels like a big escalation

from swirlies, man. But we graduate this year,

- and so should our violence.

MALE BULLY 2: Hey. Shush! You hear that drippy drip?

That ain't no leaky faucet.

Guess I was wrong about them not poo-pooing.

Nah, dude, that's no dookie.

Freaky new girl's blossomed into a freaky new woman.

- Please don't. - Say hi to the world, Bloody Mary.

MALE BULLY 2: Hear what I said? I called her "Bloody Mary"

-‘cause she got her period and stuff.

- MALE BULLY 1: Gross legs!

Oh, I'm not a proponent of violence, but that was irrefutably cathartic.

- So... - So...

So, uh, about that party, is that invite still, ah...

- Yes! Yes! - Oh, sweet!

- Great! - That's great.

- I'll see you out there, then. - Cool!

- Exit the building in an orderly fashion!

- I said orderly!

- Mom? - Get in, now. Come on!

Here, here. Salt your hair

- and burn this photo of yourself. - What... why? What...

what's happening?

Look, there's no more putting this off.

Your dad is the devil and you are his mortal conduit to Earth,

- known to Bibley types as the Antichrist. - What the fuck?

You got your period and made that hole in the sky,

and now your dad knows where to find you, so we gotta go.

- But you said my dad was dead! - I said "not alive."

Fasten your seatbelt, honey.

And if you have any questions about feminine hygiene,

there's a pamphlet in the glove box right under the gun.

Gun?

- That's one brave parakeet. - Hope he stays off Twitter.

In other news, the sky over a local junior high...

- ...has torn open,

leaving a cosmic black void...

- ...over Middletown.

Authorities have no details about the black hole's origin or purpose.

- But whatever it wants...

- ...you can bet

it won't be keeping us from Shayla Rosenblatt's Birthday After Party

at the abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike.

Access Hollywood is next.

MERCENARIES' LEADER: Put him on. The Pope.

Hello? Come again?

You goofy rascal! You answer your own phone?

- The Black Hole has arrived.

The time has come for me to thwart Satan's fiendish plan

by killing his spawn, the Antichrist.

My forces assemble in Middletown as we speak and...

- Uh, hold on. - Uh. Someone's beeping in?

Oh, no, no. I've got 'em holding.

- Oh, no, please grab it. - Mm-hmm.

I'll call you when the child is dead.

- Take it all! - I liked things the way they were!

I'm supposed to accept that you had sex with Satan?

Or anyone?

Ah, tight burn. Fact, Chrissy, all women were girls,

all girls make choices, and half of those are bad.

So... so, moving 14 times in eight years wasn't for work?

No. It was so your dad couldn't track us.

Except when we left Vermont. I cannot deal with those fucking hippies.

Look, I was trying to give you some glimmer

- of a normal childhood, okay? - Normal? Nothing's normal about my life!

Are you mental? I have no friends and I just exploded two bullies!

Bullies? Did they hurt you, Christina? Because if they did,

- I swear to God... - They're dead!

Okay, they're dead, yes.

But in this family, we don't dwell on the past. We look to the future.

And in our future, there's an Inuit fishing village in Alaska

that's so remote, it'll make that ghost town in Wyoming

- look like Shanghai. - No. No, not this time.

No, I made my first friend and he's a boy, and he...

he invited me to my first party.

And your vagina just became a homing device

- for the prince of darkness. - My dad's not the one

who's been gaslighting me my entire life. Maybe I want him to find me!

Oh, you better choose your next words carefully.

Come and get me, Satan!

- Oh! That is what...

...I didn't want you to say!

- We're packing, then leaving! - Get off of me!

Oh, hey, Laur! I left your sugar in the mailbox!

Oh, God! What... what do you make of this thing, huh?

Biblical or the media?

- You never know these days, Darlene!

Yeah, you never do know! Do ya?

- Let go of me! - You don't know anything

- until you know it and then you don't... - Get off of me, you...

- Come on! Come on. Come on! - What! You... No!

- Everything you ever told me is a lie! - I lied to protect you,

and I don't regret it for a second!

The only thing I need protection from is you!

Oh, you wouldn't last a day in the real world without me!

- You're a bitch! - And you're an ungrateful asshole!

Touché. Now, change your pants, sweetheart.

You banged the devil 'cause he's the only one who would actually go there.

Damn, that's what I should've said to her.

We can take you away from here.

- First, you must agree... - To see your father.

Oh, my dad sent you? If I agree to do that, can I get a ride

to the Abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike?

That would not be an issue.

Actually, we are not authorized to make that promise.

But nothing is off the table. Your father is well able to provide.

Okay. I agree to see my father.

- I will not learn their names,

- but you can bring one...

- Finished? - Almost! Last one's silver.

No! Damn it!

- (HISSES, PANTS) No.

No.

You're not smashing me until you look at me. Look at me!

Piece of shit, you poser Wiccan slut.

Now, raise your hand if you fucked the Devil.

Now, keep your hand up if you knew this day was coming.

Now, let's go smash some shit that makes a difference.

- Good luck! - Shut up, Erwin.

It appears the black hole has stopped sucking!

Some fact-humping scientists said that this hole will suck forever.

What a fucking joke. Now, let's rock it out tonight

at Shayla Rosenblatt's Birthday After Party!

Real estate inspector. How about yourself?

I purge the world of demonic forces

for the Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church.

- Business trip? Pleasure? - They say do what you love.

And I love nothing more than cutting out the heart

of an adolescent girl for monetary gain.

Swap "girl" with "drywall" and "heart" with "mold damage"

and we basically have the same job.

I think her mother killed him.

He was the best of us, but we must move on.

It's what... ...would've wanted.

...was a lie, and she says, "I lied to protect you."

- She sounds like a bitch. - That's what I said!

- Huh?

It's been prophesized since time began.

And now, they are finally united!

The dastardly duo who will alter the universe...

- ...for the rest of time!

Come to your father, Damien.

Not getting a "Damien" vibe.

Oh, you're a girl. The future is female! I support and believe you.

Wait, hold on, you'll like this man suit better.

- Congrats on shedding first blood! - Ew.

Can everyone please stop talking about my period?

Oh, God, no, gross.

Did your mom tell you that? I'm talking about the teens you murdered.

- I didn't mean to... - Don't let other people's moral laws

make you think what you did was wrong.

Together, you and I can create a future without rules,

where you can call your own shots. Live the life you want to live. Thoughts?

Yeah, I've got thoughts. Where have you been my whole life

and what do I have that you suddenly want?

Baby, I'm not a deadbeat dad.

You were stolen and I couldn't find you until you came into your powers.

There are these fucking cosmic laws I can't break.

- That's why I'm not in Hell. - Wait, this isn't Hell?

Shit, no! This is the Metaphysical Realm.

Hmm, fancy.

- Hipsters call it "The Fringe..."

...which makes me wanna punch

- a hole in my face. - Huh.

It's like the central hub for all unearthly realms.

Think Port Authority, but with much, much, much more urine,

- and fewer bomb threats. - So, if I call the shots,

does that mean I don't have to listen to anyone?

Look at that guy. He's got a bird head, and he craps bubbles!

- and he craps bubbles!

I thought that was pretty cool! What's your name, by the way?

- Christina. -‘Course she named you that.

...and I'm like, "Oh, okay, Rhonda, so you're saying a black hole's

"the reason your husband's been cheating on you for three years."

- Oh, hey, did you get in touch

with that guy I told you about, Eric?

He's sweet and rich, and a geropsychologist.

Yeah, I'd rather fist a dog than be in a relationship, Darlene.

Lambskin? What are you, a druid? You're so retro!

- Oh, but that should come

in handy tonight for Shayla Rosenblatt's Birthday After Party. I'm bringing frosé.

Whoo! You're jacked!

- Seriously, you got the body of a convict.

- Oh, and you use it for storage.

I'm going into the Metaphysical Realm to kill the devil and get my daughter

and I need you to watch my body while I'm gone.

- If this works... - Oh, wow!

...I'm gonna look like I'm dead, okay? But technically, I won't be.

If it doesn't work, I will just look and be dead.

Jesus, uh, do you know what you're doing?

Okay, but when are you coming back?

Okay, all right, I'll just wait here.

Holy shit! That was painful!

Hey, everybody! This is my daughter.

Kiss her ass or I'll slaughter your children.

- Proud of you! - Hey, let's have a drink.

I know, now, you're thinking, "Is he a dad or just a cool friend?"

I was thinking that you're trying too hard. Is that track lighting?

Eh, well, still, it's a work in progress.

Snake with Arms, a round of something spicy.

Speaking of spicy, how's your mom?

- Is she still an alcoholic? - Huh?

- She fucked a lamp once. - I'm not interested in... Wait, what?

Look, she doesn't get you, I do. You're a teen!

You shouldn't be living on the lam.

You should be planting roots, doing normal teen things!

Really? Cool, because the beast guys you sent said you'd be down to give me

- a ride to the abandoned Taco... - The abandoned Taco Chateau? Blammo!

- Wow, you're actually kinda okay. - A toast before you head out.

To my fricking amazing daughter!

- Oh, well... thanks, Dad. - To your future!

And to consenting to join as sire and seed,

- reclaiming the infernal sovereign... - Uh. There it is!

- What? - Your lame attempt to trap me

- in your binding agreement. - Oh, no, no. It's not lame at all.

It's called Maximus Dawnus.

And when we carry it out together, it'll let us fold all the realms

into one big, way-more-powerful, lawless universe.

It'll be like an anarchistic socialist utopia.

- That sounds cool, right? - Uh-huh.

- Mom?

- Remember me, motherfucker? - How could I forget?

- Mom, how did you... - You bulked up.

In a good way. In a good way.

Thirteen years, preparing for the day this rotting chode would make his play

- and bridge our worlds.

You're welcome for giving you a higher calling than robotripping

and tequila-soaked tampons!

Coming from a guy who pretended to be someone else for six goddamn months.

- You gaslit the wrong bitch.

Brain shot! Get it, girl!

- Head smash! - Oh, my God! Who are you?

- Fuck you! - What do you think you're gonna do,

kill me? I'm not Dracula. I'm the goddamn devil.

You got about as much chance of laying a finger on me as...

- Ow!

- What was that? - Oil of Abramelin,

blessed by an uncircumcised Kabbalist Rabbi.

- What? - Mom!

And if he thought that hurt, he's gonna love

- this goat's horn shoved up his dick! - Help! Kill her!

Oh, what a fucking woman.

Weren't you about to shove something up my dick?

No one tells Mama what to do.

You're a washed-up desperate con artist begging

for a little girl to sign his stupid pact to make him feel big again.

No, no, no, no, no, no dick hole. You wanna talk about desperation?

- Don't let the job of mother

go to your head!

You left your whole life behind to raise my spawn.

- Dad, stop! - You're nothing special.

- You're just a vessel. - Hello! Does anyone even hear me?

You think I felt special?

Your magic jizz ruined my life!

You're lucky I didn't kill it.

- You're lucky it didn't kill itself...

...being shackled to you for 13 years.

- Fuck this. - Well, once she gets to know you,

I'm sure she'll jump at the chance to slit your wrists!

I don't bleed, bitch!

Gross ass parents. They don't care about me.

Well, I don't care about them. Actually, I don't care about anything!

A toast! To my parents! For fucking me up! Huh?

That slaps!

- New girl is spicing this party up!

We love that you don't care what anyone thinks.

Slay, honey!

Slay I shall!

- Benny! Bennigan! Hey! - Chrissy, wow! You made it!

- Ha! - You left so quickly

after you murdered those two bullies,

I never got a chance to thank you! So, thank you!

- Psst. No thanks necessary. Totes my plej!

I hope the rest of your day was less explosive.

Yep, it was, unless you count the explosion of flavor

- in my homemade muffins! - Oh!

But, in a more literal sense, no, it was just that one explosion. You?

Some ups, some downs, you know?

I just found out my dad's not really dead, my mom doesn't give two shits about me,

the last 13 years of my life, I've been a pawn

in their fucked up relationship. I rode on a carriage

made from the flesh of two mutated krakens to get here,

and I wish I was never born. But otherwise, a great day!

Well, if I had a wish, I'd cancel your wish

because I think it's pretty great you were born.

Aw. Thanks, Bennigan.

- You feeling better? - Better than better.

I'm the motherfucking Antichrist!

Listen carefully. Do not leave your trash in this van, it is a rental.

Now, let's gut this child and wear her entrails as a scarf.

I should've chosen your whore sister!

Aw, fuck. Hold up, time out. Look!

- How did Chrissy get back to Earth? - That's not the problem. This is.

These asshats are mercenaries hired to dispose of demons.

They're gonna kill Chrissy if we don't stop them.

-"We?" Fuck you. - Let's stop measuring dicks

for our daughter's sake. I need a cadaver. But fresh.

Like between a finger twitch and a bowel release.

Wait a minute. When we dated, were you inside someone's corpse?

And you had an unfinished dolphin tattoo. Don't be a snob.

Gerald's gonna be at that party, and I don't care

if he just had knee surgery 'cause I'm about to hit that!

- Oh, my God!

Well, welcome back! You should take a shower. You smell like rot.

Where the hell am I gonna find a cadaver?

There's only so far I'll go for you, Laura! I'll see you at the party!

Okay, he better have health insurance too, 'cause I'm gonna tear that back up.

- GIRL 1: Who cut off my jams? - BOY 1: Is it, like,

cloak season or something?

BOY 2: Just push your way to the front.

At last we meet, vile beast.

I've waited my entire career to watch the life drain

from your hideous eyes and put an end to your father's plan.

- GIRL 2: Get a real job! - I am well paid!

I don't think you know who you're dealing with, chief.

Piss quick, your pants are on fire!

- Smoke if you got 'em.

Here you go, sparky! Fire it up, baby!

What is this?

- And now, the real suffering begins. - Leave her alone!

- Bennigan! - I have a gut feeling I'll be okay!

GIRL 3: This party just got lame.

Deceiver, dark one, thou shall be cast into...

Wow. Uh. Eh, sorry, it's like you stand here,

holding the ceremonial knife

- with this Antichrist... - BOY 3: Who gives a shit?

I do. And I am your final judgment!

- Why? - Comedy.

- Get your hands off my daughter! - Our daughter.

- Oh, great. My parents are here. - Hi, honey! I'm a chicken now!

MERCENARY 4: My weenie! My weenie!

Really? That's all you got?

I made a dozen guys shoot their dicks off.

- MERCENARY 5: And one vagina!

- Now, we're having fun! - We're like The Incredibles, but gross.

With my last breath, let...

I will get my revenge! You shall pay!

Has anyone seen the tip of my dick?

GIRL 4: If my parents ever show up to a party, murder me with a knife.

- What is middle school

but Sisyphus pretending to love the boulder?

See you at the bottom of the hill tomorrow, new girl.

That was so deep. Just like your pool, Arabella.

- My sister had Sisyphus. - See you tomorrow!

Boy, did we have a meet-weird, right? Like it was a meet-cute,

but it was weird 'cause of all the carnage!

- Chrissy, are you hurt? - Don't worry, Daddy's here.

Oh, I'll show you what I do to daddies!

Just fucking stop it! This was the worst day of my life

and it was because of you two self-centered assholes!

If you want your sire and seed or whatever,

and you actually want a daughter, know that I'm calling the shots now!

Got it? Got it?

- Yeah, got it, cool your jets. - Yeah, fine, we got it.

Mom, I'm going to school tomorrow.

No more running. And Dad, I don't trust you,

but I wanna get to know you, but slowly, like, every other weekend.

Every other? That's... that's... that's a little weak.

- God damn it! - We got time to negotiate.

Now, who wants pancakes?

Well, now, you've met your father.

No, not yet. Her mother's stronger than I thought.

But, hey, who cares?

My daughter's gonna join me soon, and then I'll be top shit for eternity.

But I just gotta be patient, you know?

And I'm a patient guy. I wrote the book on patience!

Got all the time in the world.

Just wanted to let you know that I left some sanitary pads

near where the bathroom sink used to be.

Oh, and hey, that thing I said about my life being ruined...

I was a mess before I had you. That's... that's sort of how I had you.

So, yeah, you... you didn't ruin anything.

You made me better. Okay?

I love you. Night.

My little baby girl's all grown up.

Time for Mama to grow up, too. No more running.

I never thought I'd hear the Laura Feinberg say those words.

Oh, it is creepy when you come out of the shadows like that, Erwin.

I don't control the lighting in here, you do.

You know, maybe Mama wasn't running from the devil.

Maybe Mama was running from being a real mama.

Ah, okay. So, if Mama's not running, what's next on the docket?

I don't know. What do people do in the suburbs anyway, huh?

Rake leaves, start book clubs,

walk into the ocean and drown themselves? I mean...

- Hey, you wanna watch Con Air? - You read Mama's mind.