All language subtitles for 1_The.World.According.to.Jeff.Goldblum.S01E03.1080p.WEB.H264-PETRiFiED_English

JEFF GOLDBLUM:
Hello, hi there, I’m Jeff Goldblum,

maybe you know me.
I act. I jazz it up.

-And these days I’m a detective...
-(TATTOO GUN BUZZES)

...keeping my eyes peeled
for the unconventional,

the educational and the whimsical.

Hey, here’s what I’m thinking about:
Why do people get tattoos?

So, if you’re ready, Watson, let’s do
a little detective work, shall we?

Tattoos.

FEMALE VOICE:
Tattoos are in in a very big way

more popular than ever
and not just for bikers

-and bad boys anymore.
-Taking over the bodies of many

of our athletes, celebrities,
young people and adults.

An estimated 45 million Americans
have tattoos, the number is rising.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

JEFF: Baltimore, Maryland,
the Villain Arts Tattoo convention.

Welcome aboard.

(TATTOO GUN BUZZES)

JEFF: Here we are,
look at all this activity.

Interesting stuff going on here,
look at all these tattoo lovers...

and amongst all of them is lucky me.

Oh, boy!

Now, tattoos. I myself...

never had a tattoo.

Um...

Of course, the Jewish people, you know,
sometimes there’s an association

with the holocaust and sorry to...
I don’t wanna be a downer right away,

but you know they put numbers on us
and this and that, but you know,

these days you throw a stick
and you hit six people who have tattoos,

everybody's got tattoos.

Anyway, I never got myself jellied up.

I tell you why,
I’m a person of fickle mentality,

that is to say, I am always looking for,

you know, the real me in some way
and sometimes I think I’ve found it

and make a decision and go, "I got it!"
But then the next day sometimes,

I go, "Well, I changed my mind,
that’s not really..."

Tha... So, what would I do
if I got a permanent tattoo?

(SONG BEGINS)

A whole lot of people get their skin
permanently branded.

Every little movement...

JEFF: My question is,
this is what I’m curious about, why?

Why do they do it?

Is it sleight of hand that commands
My heart to love you?

The Salvador Dali,
did you request this particular image?

I did. But I like the chaos and beauty.

It’s just a little bit
of my personality coming out.

Isn’t that something?

-JEFF: What is your name?
-Jeff.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Let me drink you in.

I’ve got a bunch of tattoos I’ve done
of you.

-You?
-No. You, sir.

JEFF: This is me as a baby dinosaur. What,
look, what a fine artist you are Jeff.

What is this? Oh, that’s the Jeff body
with the dino head, clever girl.

You could bind me in blindfolds
You could put my...

JEFF: And of course, you know,
you can’t visit

any life endeavor these days
where they haven’t turned it into...

a competition!

(SONG ENDS)

-Candy Dunbar.
-Candy. Oh, you're a mind reader.

(SINGING)

I don’t get one of those?

-(LAUGHTER)
-Hey, come here, you...

Okay. Well, I have a question,
what’s that winner gonna have,

-what are you looking for exactly?
-I mean, best of show, a lot of it depends

on the field that we are looking at.

Somebody’s gotta win,
if they are all stinky it’s the best one.

And a lot of good stuff is gonna lose.

Their line work, make sure
everything is nice and crisp and clean.

-Crispy lines.
-Yup.

All body shapes and sizes,
all have a flow to them

and as long as the tattoo flows

-with that...
-JEFF: Yes.

-...that’s what I’m looking for.
-And they are all beautiful, aren’t they?

-CANDY: Yes.
-Right. I’m waiting for illumination.

Really? Your third eye is gonna open
when you see that right tattoo.

Okay, I think we’ve done it.

-All right.
-I think my third eye is just starting

-to peek, peek. Peek out.
-CANDY: Peek out!

-Okay, I better get out of your hair.
-All right.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER PA)

First contestant.

It’s a whimsical rendering.
He’s eating a big submarine sandwich.

Hey, that’s a gorgeous thing. That face
separated by the roses, you know.

(JEFF WHISTLES)

JEFF: Holy cats!

The rendering covers the whole back.
An Amazonian beauty.

Look at those lips, quite full.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

My wife’s favorite flower, the sunflower.
Oh, it looks alive,

and it's growing and exploding.
I would give them all prizes already.

MAN: (OVER PA) And we are now ready
to present the award for Best In Show.

-The honors go to Harlen from…
-(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Come on up here.

Good, good. Thank you so much
it's very, very beautiful.

(SINGING)

JEFF: Hey, so, everybody says
that I'd be crazy to leave here

without having talked to the godmother
of American tattooing.

That is the lady right there.

This is the amazing Shanghai Kate.

Kate has been in the business
for almost 50 years.

Which is nutty 'cause she is so youthful.

JEFF: Don’t let me interrupt,
don’t let me interrupt.

SHANGHAI KATE:
I know this voice.

-It’s so nice to see you.
-Nice to see you, too.

And... and don’t let me interrupt, uh,
this beautiful tattoo.

This is how I started
with this very classic style,

it’s Sailor Jerry.

-JEFF: It hurts doesn’t it? A little bit.
-No. It does but really not much.

-And you bleed a little bit?
-No. Is he bleeding?

JEFF: Oh, no. You’re not.

I pride myself on my low threshold
of pain.

-Do you?
-Yeah, I’m like The Princess and the Pea.

I’m highly sensitive
and I don’t believe in stoicism.

I say, "Ow! Ow! It hurts. Ow"

Ow!

Hey, tell me this,
why do people get tattooed?

What do you think,
if you had to boil it down?

I think it’s in our DNA,
it’s as much as if you see

-a little two-year-old bopping to music.
-Dancing.

Where does that come from?
Why do 13-year-olds, worldwide,

at the advent of puberty,
wanna get tattoos?

Because that’s when
the big impulse begins.

So, part of this mystery
of consciousness...

-Mm-hmm.
-...uh, demands that we express ourselves

-and where closer than our own forms...
-Hmm.

-Right.
-...and each other.

It's kind of a romantic thing,
it's a sensual thing, isn’t it?

It’s very intimate,
very intimate art form.

So, I have this innate ability to...

-JEFF: Yeah
-...sort of, people to do things for me.

You do. I would do anything
for you already.

-Really? I have a few ideas.
-MALE VOICE: Uh-oh.

-Oh, really? Okay. Okay.
-(LAUGHING)

JEFF: And she wasn’t kidding, either.

All right. So, now you are gonna
pick up the machine.

JEFF: What you’re witnessing is me getting
my first tattoo lesson.

And... ah!

-(TATTOO GUN BUZZES)
-Ah! It just went on.

I didn’t know it was...
it was vibrating like that.

-KATE: Yeah.
-Is it gonna keep vibrating like that?

-KATE: Yeah.
-I like that.

(LAUGHS)

JEFF: I didn’t want to do it
on human flesh.

This is a fake hand. That’s all I wanted
to tackle at this point.

Now, I’m gonna dip just the end of it.
Oh! It's sucking like a...

-It's a capillary action.
-Oh, yes. Like an anteater does that.

Read... Ready. I don’t wanna mess this up.

-It's okay. It won’t sue.
-JEFF: Okay. Okay, ready?

Oh! I like it already. I like it already.

-I like it very much.
-Yeah. There you go.

-JEFF: I like what I’m doing.
-Look at that.

-See, what I meant.
-(KATE LAUGHS)

-That's it. Hey, my first tattoo.
-That's damn good. I know.

Is that good?

JEFF: Hey, how about this for serendipity,
you wanna hear a fun fact?

The fella who perfected the light bulb
also gave us the machine for tattooing.

How about that?

In 1875, Mr. Thomas Edison

was trying to punch ink
into a stack of papers

in order to create multiple copies
with one stroke.

Sort of what would become a Xerox machine.

But instead he paved the way
for electric tattooing.

I’ll tell you, the human need
to make images has been around

for as long as sapiens
have walked the earth.

From cave art to hieroglyphics.
To current overuse of emojis

See, here’s the thing,
our brain can interpret pictures

in just 13 milliseconds.

That’s less time than the blink of an eye!

Why do people have tattoos?

I guess everybody wants to be special
in some way

and everybody has a couple
of ears and a nose and a chest and limbs,

but, nobody has this, you know?

It's in us to draw on ourselves,

that’s what Kate said, didn’t she?
It's ownership of your own body

by doing something.
Maybe people are doing it for that reason,

but I wonder if they are doing it
for some...

deeper motivation.

MALE VOICE: Hawaii, the very name
suggests fun and gay activities.

JEFF: Well, I know what you’re thinking,
"What the heck is going on here?"

"Am I watching a travelogue show now
or is this footage from Jeff’s vacation?"

Actually, I’m working like a dog,
trying to understand the traditional art

of Hawaiian tattooing.

Ramming speed. Oh, yeah.

Power guy, power guy.

So, I’m hanging out with these guys.
Legendary surfers and lifeguards,

Archie Kalepa and Sam Kapoi.

They spend every waking moment out here
on the waves.

Really something.

Here they are, look at those tattoos.
Now, those are traditional

and very personal, culturally specific
heritage ocean related images.

So, let’s talk about tattoos.

Sam Kapoi...

-tell me everything.
-(LAUGHTER)

So, what the heck is going on?
Well, I see stars.

SAM KAPOI: This constellation
is the southern cross...

-JEFF: Yeah. I see.
-...with the voyaging canoe.

This is a navigation bird
called kauaʻi ʻōʻō...

-Yeah.
-...that represents always knowing

where home is, yeah?

-This is the sun.
-Yes.

SAM: And then on the wrist
it's like a kupe'e, it's called,

it's like our heavens for protection.

The shark teeth that reflect bad energy
and receives good energy.

Wait a minute.
So, the traditional Hawaiian way

there are particular places
that you get it

-and particular things that you get.
-Yeah.

You see the turtle in the wave?

ARCHIE KALEPA:
One day we were surfing Jaws

-and it was like 60 feet.
-You're surfing Jaw... Jaws...

-Piyahi, it's this giant wave on Maui.
-JEFF: Oh, oh.

And it's one of the biggest waves
in the world and I was surfing out there

and it was getting late.
I knew we should have left,

but I said one more wave, one more wave.
One wave, I went down,

four 60-foot waves went by
and I didn’t come up.

And it was pitch black.
I was like, "Okay, I'm at peace

"with everybody and everything.
If it's my time to go, I'm okay."

Something told me, "Don’t give up."
And then I remember coming up.

I was just completely exhausted...

and that’s when it clicked.

So, I almost drowned.
And so, this is a reminder...

whenever I surf big waves,
it's not about me.

-It's about what's going on around me.
-JEFF: Yeah. Gee!

You’re getting another one from Keone.

-Yes. Keone Nunes. Yes.
-Keone... Lunes?

-HA'A KEAULUNA: Nunes.
-N-U-N-E-S. Keone.

Keone Nunes and he’s the master
and eighth degree black-belt master

of tattooing.

The thing about Keone is it’s a gift.
Like how he’s gonna tell your story

and you don’t know
until he does it so...

'Cause you don’t have a design
for tomorrow picked out?

-ARCHIE: No, he decides.
-Do you think he knows already?

Yeah, he knows.

Wow!

JEFF: Mm-hmm.

Keone Nunes. He is a master craftsman
of traditional Hawaiian tattooing

and he's spent 30 years
single-handedly reviving

this ancient Polynesian art.

Now, what's he gonna create for Archie?
Hey, I’m on pins and needles to find out.

(WOOD TAPPING)

-(BIRDCALL)
-(IMITATES BIRDCALL)

-JEFF: I didn’t mean to interrupt, or...
-KEONE NUNES: Oh, no. Come inside.

This is me just practicing my bird call.

-(JEFF IMITATES BIRDCALL)
-(KEONE LAUGHS)

KEONE: Why don’t you join us?

-Come in, sit down. Yeah, of course
-May I? May I? Really?

-JEFF: So, what is the meaning of this?
-KEONE: This is called Niho-Niho style.

And it’s a protective design. Um...

these tattoos embed mana
into the individual.

Mana, so tell me about that.

Everybody has mana when they are born.

Mana is sort of like a spiritual power.
It's the essence of who you are.

Getting a tattoo like this
strengthens your mana.

Wow!

-We’re all done, sir.
-Oh, my gosh. So, oh, my gosh.

Archie, congratulations!

KEONE: Can I see? Yeah.

-I wanna see sometimes. (LAUGHS)
-JEFF: Yeah.

And this is Archie seeing it
for the first time.

Oh, my God, it's...

Wow! I mean, I encounter people
all the time with tattoos,

but never before today have I talked
to people who are gifted with...

this tradition of the tattoo like this.

For them, it is this lovely art
that tells a bit of a story

and connects them to this culture
which is just beautiful.

This is a magical land,
I have a bubble of an idea.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
something's occurring to me.

If they use tattoos for protection,
maybe there is something that exists

where tattoos could pro... protect us.

JEFF: Just a hop, skip, and jump
from Silicon Valley.

There are tech startups everywhere.

And there is one that's working
on the next generation of tattoos.

It's still pretty much
at the experimental stage,

but it seems to hold the promise
of changing all of our lives.

Watch this.

-MALE VOICE: Too close for comfort.
-FEMALE VOICE: When you think of tattoos,

medical advances are probably
not the first thing

-that come to mind.
-A new kind of tattoo...

FEMALE VOICE:
That can last about two weeks...

FEMALE VOICE 2:
...Incorporates technology...

FEMALE VOICE 3: ...That would
communicate with smartphones,

gaming devices, tablets
and potentially use beyond medicine.

Researchers say they are focused
on practical uses.

We’re working on the future of tattoos
so it’s not just

a body-based self-expression
which is very important,

but it also gives you a sense
of health awareness

and what's going on in your body.
Like hydration levels.

-Yeah.
-Or in the environment.

-Like UV rays from the sun.
-This is fantastic. I love this idea.

-You get a temporary tattoo.
-CARLOS OLGUIN: Yeah.

-You'll tell me where and...
-Yeah.

...it tells you
when you've get enough sun.

-Correct. Yeah, totally.
-JEFF: Well, I love this tattoo...

-Yeah. So, you wanna try one?
-Okay. Oh, yay. That's great.

-And I’m slapping.
-CARLOS: Like this.

-Yeah, hard. Yeah.
-Just slap it.

-Yeah. No, no, that’s too much.
-Harder?

Okay, I don’t wanna hurt myself.
(MIMICS RIPPING SOUND)

-Beautiful.
-CARLOS: Yeah. Yeah.

Now, that we've got it, we go out test it.
I feel very powerful already.

(HUMMING)

(SINGING)

Okay. (LAUGHING)

As you go into the sun,
it’s gonna start changing very quickly.

(SINGING)

Look at that, it just went... bingo

Meanwhile, the outer ring
will start also changing

-more slowly, clockwise.
-JEFF: Clockwise.

-Here. It will start here...
-CARLOS: Yeah.

-...this blue will become pink...
-Mm-hmm.

...and when the snake eats its own tail...

-CARLOS: Yeah.
-...you’ve had too much sun.

It’s the safe limit for someone
with sensitive skin.

JEFF: Carlos, I’m with you.

Hey, let’s go to the park.

Isn’t there a...
(SINGING) ...nice attraction in the park

where we can test this baby out?

-I like a nice patch of grass, don’t you?
-Yeah.

Look, shouldn’t we pick a bunch of these

and make a chain out of them
and put them in our hair

and then gamble and frolic
around the lawns?

-Uh. Yes, in slow motion.
-(JEFF LAUGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Carlos. How is this thing working
for heaven's sakes?

-Wow! Mine's almost all pink.
-Yeah, you can see how the outer ring

is now letting us know
that we are reaching

that safe limit of UV exposure...

-Yes, sir.
-...and that means that we should,

you know, seek shade pretty soon.

What’s the future, where does all this go?

As we create a critical mass of sensors,
people are gonna be able to

pick and choose any condition that they
care about and just drag it and drop it

-onto your tattoo from an app...
-JEFF: Yes.

...and make
that tattoo fully personalized.

Cholesterol levels, ketones,
glucose, of course.

Yeah, how’s my cholesterol?
How’s my heart?

So, that makes me really excited
because that puts in a place

where with electronics alone
it's gonna take much longer.

I think we should have a world
that works for everybody.

-Yeah.
-You like that phrase? I like that.

Yeah. I like that.

I think this an idea whose time has come.
So, I don't know.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

-CARLOS: Okay, well, thank you so much.
-JEFF: I can't thank you enough.

This reminds me
of the end of Notting Hill,

-you ever see that movie?
-With Julia Roberts?

Yeah, they fall in love and at the end
of the movie, they are sitting

on the bench where they first,
really kinda fell for each other.

-You are Julia Roberts, right now?
-Yeah, I'll be Jul...

-I'll be Julia Roberts.
-Okay, sounds good.

You were talking, what happened?
I don’t remember the movie.

-I’m being Ju... Julia Roberts.
-Oh, I see. Gotcha.

JEFF: Before, I met Carlos, I had no idea,
he’s changed my life really.

I thought tattoos were...
Well, what I knew about them,

but boy, this... this was outside the box.

But a picture that can tell you "get out
of the sun" or "drink more water,"

or "stop drinking, you...
you’ve had enough cocktails."

Oh, my gosh! What technology could tell us
about all manner of life,

may change life for the entire species,
very exciting.

Very, very exciting. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Tattoos, geez!

It's been like a high-altitude ride
in a floating dirigible.

And I think there is only one thing left
to do at this point and one place to go,

a place that my heart is longing for.

My hometown and today is,
believe it or not...

Jeff Goldblum Day.

(LAUGHS)

I’m humbled, I’m honored, I’m... (GROANS)

FEMALE VOICE: It's not just Saturday,
it's Jeff Goldblum Day

in the city of Pittsburgh.

Fifteen years ago, the city council
proclaimed July 13th

as the day to celebrate the local hero
who became a Hollywood star.

The Artisan tattoo parlor here
in Pittsburgh

is staging its annual extravaganza
that boasts Goldblum inspired tattoos,

exclusive T-shirts, merchandise,
and trivia.

It is a free event that all starts
at 11:00 a.m.

From what I gather, lot of people seem
to wanna get a picture of my face

from one photograph or another
on... on them.

So, I’m gonna pop in
and surprise them is the idea.

It’s a surprise for me more than anybody,
it's an adventure.

Wait, wait a minute.

We're coming close. There it is.
There it is. Shh! Don’t say you saw me.

My ego hangs in the balance.

Will they like me?
Will they want to get tattoos of me?

Really.

I’ll start off the biding.
I’ll get a tattoo of myself on myself.

How about that?
How about just face of myself on my face.

Perfect!

I'm in disguise, I'm in disguise.

(LAUGHS)

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(TATTOO GUN BUZZING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Did I surprise you? I did.

Two years ago,
some loyal and generous fans

at this very tattoo parlor
here in Pittsburgh decided

to pay me an undeserved tribute
and spend the day inking my face

on their all too willing flesh. So good!

You know, last year I heard that more
than a 100 showed up for all this stuff.

How about that? Well this year,

I’m gonna offer to one intrepid volunteer
a Goldblum by Goldblum,

-so to speak, you’ll see what I mean.
-(TATTOO GUN BUZZING)

-Mr. Blobner, may I call you Mr. Blobner?
-It's technically Dr. Blobner.

ARTIST: Snap!

-Dr. Blobner, I'm so sorry.
-(LAUGHING)

Why do you wanna get my glasses
on the dinosaur?

It seemed like a fun idea.

I think it is a fun idea, I like it
and you know what, I have a proposition.

-Hmm.
-How would you feel...

if I myself took the tool and contributed

-in some minimal way?
-Absolutely, go for it.

-Really?
-Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

-You like the idea? Really?
-Yeah. Yeah.

JEFF: Before I’m let loose
on the good doctor.

It’s probably high time

that we actually explained just
what happens when you have a tattoo.

Needles penetrate the skin at speeds
of up to 50 times per second.

As this happens,
the body becomes convinced

that it’s under attack
and the immune system goes into battle.

Special cells rush to the wound
and devour every last drop of ink

in an attempt to rescue the body
from this foreign invader.

Once gorged on their share of pigment,
these bloated cells are now stuck.

And voila!

A permanent mark,
deep underneath the surface of the skin,

known as a tattoo.

-(TATTOO GUN BUZZING)
-Okay.

I would choke up on the machine
just a touch, give it a little oomph.

Gonna put it on. There, there it is.

-JASON ANGST: Use the palm of your hand...
-JEFF: Yeah.

...with the other palm,
to have something to lean against.

That’s nice. Do you want an angle on it
or you wanna do it straight down?

JASON: Uh, I tend to go
with a little what I call a 30/30.

That’s ideal.

Isn't that amazing?

-Do you feel that, Dr. Blobner?
-DR. BLOBNER: Just a little bit.

JASON: You can be a bit more bold
if you wish.

-JEFF: Oh, really?
-JASON: Mm-hmm.

It's like the massage.
More pressure, less pressure.

-JASON: Yeah.
-JEFF: Wow! Okay.

There you go.

Good, okay. What do you think,
have I done it?

-So, let's see.
-JASON: So just kinda...

-Hey, hey.
-JASON: There you go. Oh, look at that!

JEFF: Hey!

-It’s there. Good job. Look at that.
-I did it.

-(JASON LAUGHS)
-(INAUDIBLE) I did it!

-JASON: You did.
-Oh, my gosh, Dr. Blobner,

I can’t thank you enough.

-I appreciate it. Thank you.
-You and I are going to be bonded forever

-and ever and ever, and so will we.
-JASON: You are.

You are now part of this...
this man’s life experience.

-Wow!
-(JASON LAUGHS)

JEFF: Oh, lovely people around here.

Eh, they don't know me anymore.

You know,
I got outside my artisanal parlor

and, you know, who am I? Uh, well...

this is what I’m thinking about,
it's a question.

Why do people get tattoos?
And here’s my answer.

Affirmation.

And something
that might be called self-definition

in other words, "Hey world, here I am,
this is who I am,

"this is where I come from,
this is what's important to me."

Get the idea
and it doesn’t require any talking,

it's just is like, there it is,
a picture's worth...

many, many words. How about that?

Now, do I want a tattoo?

Did I off camera get a tattoo?

(JEFF LAUGHING)

(SONG PLAYING)

(SONG ENDS)