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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Remember Argyle Somerfield,
an old movie star?
2
00:01:15,032 --> 00:01:17,800
Eighty-three, according to this, an'
he's just had a baby with his nurse!
3
00:01:18,987 --> 00:01:23,111
'"It was love at first sight", she
cooed, "I've always liked older men'".
4
00:01:24,212 --> 00:01:26,964
God, if she ever ran into
Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance!
5
00:01:28,465 --> 00:01:30,926
She'd have his bandages off before
you can say "silicon implants".
6
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,593
There's some pictures of
them here with the new-born.
7
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There's Argyle, and there's the baby.
8
00:01:41,983 --> 00:01:45,803
No no no no, there's
Argyle, and there's the baby!
9
00:01:47,704 --> 00:01:51,984
I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the
bonnet. Thought that was the baby at first!
10
00:02:01,987 --> 00:02:07,141
An eighty-three year old
dad! How's that gonna work?
11
00:02:08,542 --> 00:02:11,040
I bet he's not gonna get up in the middle
of the night to give the baby its feed.
12
00:02:12,041 --> 00:02:12,985
Probably pretend to be dead!
13
00:02:17,984 --> 00:02:21,071
"Darling, can you give the
baby his bottle tonight?"
14
00:02:26,072 --> 00:02:26,981
It's not gonna work, is it?
15
00:02:27,985 --> 00:02:29,964
The only advantage, as far as I can see,
16
00:02:29,965 --> 00:02:32,983
is the wife can change both
their nappies at the same time.
17
00:02:41,981 --> 00:02:45,984
Are you still not talking to me?
It's unbelievably childish, y' know.
18
00:02:48,978 --> 00:02:52,129
I've a good mind to fill your
shoes with runny porridge again.
19
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,979
Teach you a lesson about maturity...
20
00:02:59,182 --> 00:03:02,466
All right, I'll tell you
what: I bet I can make you
21
00:03:02,467 --> 00:03:04,802
say something in the next... minute.
22
00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,982
Twenty big ones. Shake on it...
23
00:03:11,978 --> 00:03:13,982
All right, if I'm on, say nothing.
24
00:03:16,978 --> 00:03:23,916
I'm on! Okay. I'm gonna say something, all
right, an' you're gonna totally lose it.
25
00:03:23,917 --> 00:03:25,181
Are you ready? Y' ready?
26
00:03:31,013 --> 00:03:33,013
Remember Yvonne McGruder?
27
00:03:35,017 --> 00:03:39,017
You really liked her, didn't you?
I used to go out with her, y'know.
28
00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:44,010
Before you did. You didn't know
that, did you? Broke up in the end.
29
00:03:45,009 --> 00:03:50,014
Really hurt me. Still got the scars today.
They never heal, carpet burns, do they?
30
00:03:55,021 --> 00:04:01,009
Both cheeks, man! She nearly
wore them down to the bone!
31
00:04:06,010 --> 00:04:07,013
Will you shut up!
32
00:04:08,012 --> 00:04:10,015
What did I tell you? Twenty big ones!
33
00:04:11,012 --> 00:04:14,009
I've been listening to you whittling
on now for what seems like two ice ages!
34
00:04:16,026 --> 00:04:17,736
My mind is so numb
and brain-dead I feel
35
00:04:17,737 --> 00:04:21,030
like I've just attended a three-day
seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing".
36
00:04:22,028 --> 00:04:26,024
Oh, at last you're talking
to me. I knew we'd make it up.
37
00:04:29,024 --> 00:04:30,029
Eighty-three!
38
00:04:47,027 --> 00:04:48,025
This thing's even bigger than I remember...
39
00:04:51,025 --> 00:04:54,021
Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!
40
00:04:58,026 --> 00:05:00,023
Hey guys! Look at my body!
41
00:05:01,027 --> 00:05:03,022
There's an invitation that
will not cause a stampede.
42
00:05:03,057 --> 00:05:04,025
No! It's back to normal.
43
00:05:05,025 --> 00:05:06,252
No time for that now, sir.
44
00:05:06,253 --> 00:05:10,026
We're flying down a corridor on Red
Dwarf and Starbug appears to be expanding.
45
00:05:13,025 --> 00:05:15,028
It's not Starbug that's expanding,
it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!
46
00:05:16,026 --> 00:05:17,942
It must be something to do with
the nanobot's molecular process.
47
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,019
Just like my body!
48
00:05:21,025 --> 00:05:23,026
We're being sucked into a vent!
49
00:05:24,020 --> 00:05:24,820
Can't fight it!
50
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:29,620
Air vent walls closing in.
51
00:05:30,034 --> 00:05:33,002
We must take action. Be
bold, positive, decisive.
52
00:05:33,037 --> 00:05:33,922
All right, dudes.
53
00:05:34,823 --> 00:05:38,037
Anyone fancy a game of charades using
just your noses, or is this a bad time?
54
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:41,031
Holly, man, we're about
to get crushed to death!
55
00:05:42,032 --> 00:05:43,035
So that's a 'no', then, is it?
56
00:05:44,032 --> 00:05:46,999
Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought
things were going to get back to normal!
57
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:50,783
We don't know where we are, what to do,
and haven't got a clue what's happening.
58
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,032
Things are back to normal!
59
00:05:53,034 --> 00:05:54,356
Can't you get this crate to go faster?
60
00:05:54,857 --> 00:05:57,035
It's gonna be like getting crushed to
death under a gigantic trouser press!
61
00:05:58,038 --> 00:06:02,999
Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free!
I always prayed I'd go out like that!
62
00:06:03,034 --> 00:06:05,391
There may be a way through
this if we take a detour.
63
00:06:05,392 --> 00:06:09,037
Past Epsilon 14 and take a right at the
hydro unit. We'll save about two minutes!
64
00:06:09,053 --> 00:06:11,052
Epsilon 14.
65
00:06:14,048 --> 00:06:17,109
There's... there's... there's
some kind of heartbeat up ahead,
66
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,052
and it's beating at an incredible rate!
67
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:24,053
You mean there's a heart out there with
no body? No wonder it's beating so fast.
68
00:06:28,049 --> 00:06:29,046
Heyyy!
69
00:06:51,047 --> 00:06:54,051
I hope we don't get stopped by the cops.
They don't like it when you're rat-arsed...
70
00:07:14,049 --> 00:07:16,044
According to the desk
we've lost all engines!
71
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:20,046
Didn't I read somewhere that can
seriously affect your ability to fly?
72
00:07:27,045 --> 00:07:29,172
Now we've lost the
mid-section and the kitchen!
73
00:07:30,073 --> 00:07:33,047
I'm sorry everyone, but we may
have to have sandwiches for lunch!
74
00:08:23,046 --> 00:08:24,044
Dave?
75
00:08:25,039 --> 00:08:28,038
Selby! Chen! Is it really you?
76
00:08:29,046 --> 00:08:31,044
Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check.
77
00:08:32,039 --> 00:08:33,037
Yeah, I think it's us.
78
00:08:34,052 --> 00:08:37,036
Guys! This is brilliant! I can't believe it!
79
00:08:39,041 --> 00:08:40,004
You know these people, sir?
80
00:08:40,039 --> 00:08:44,300
Know them? When they've been drunk and
unconscious I've taken their clothes off
81
00:08:44,301 --> 00:08:46,005
and painted parts of them green!
82
00:08:46,006 --> 00:08:49,041
Course I know them! This is
the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!
83
00:08:49,076 --> 00:08:50,005
How?
84
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,038
The nano's must have resurrected
them along with the ship.
85
00:08:53,038 --> 00:08:53,838
This is Chen.
86
00:08:55,036 --> 00:08:57,154
He works in the kitchen
and he's always drunk,
87
00:08:57,155 --> 00:09:00,038
and this is Selby, and he's
always drunk too! Where's Peterson?
88
00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:02,041
He couldn't make it. He's drunk!
89
00:09:04,039 --> 00:09:06,921
The crew are all alive,
sir! This is great news!
90
00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:11,037
Wonderful, marvelous, incredible
news! All that extra ironing! Bliss!
91
00:09:16,036 --> 00:09:19,034
Mister Thornton, read them their rights.
92
00:09:20,036 --> 00:09:23,921
David Lister, you are formally charged
with stealing and crashing a Starbug.
93
00:09:23,922 --> 00:09:26,596
You are also charged with
having no pilot's license,
94
00:09:26,597 --> 00:09:28,513
and smuggling two stowaways on board,
95
00:09:28,514 --> 00:09:31,035
along with Navigation
Officer Kristine Kochanski.
96
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:35,444
Anything you say now, or do not say now, may
be used at a board of enquiry against you.
97
00:09:35,445 --> 00:09:37,034
Do you require any form of aid?
98
00:09:38,039 --> 00:09:40,033
Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch.
99
00:09:42,037 --> 00:09:43,997
Left, right, left, right, left, right!
100
00:09:44,032 --> 00:09:45,036
Try and relax! You're
gonna burst a blood vessel!
101
00:09:46,034 --> 00:09:49,037
Shut up, you maggot! Do you
understand? Do you understand!?
102
00:09:50,034 --> 00:09:51,037
"Yes -" what!?
103
00:09:52,032 --> 00:09:53,038
"Yes, Mister... Shouty"..?
104
00:09:53,073 --> 00:09:54,034
"YES - SIR"!
105
00:09:55,033 --> 00:09:58,031
Left, right, left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right, left, right. Halt!
106
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:00,733
Lift arm.
107
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:05,034
At ease.
108
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:12,067
All right, dude.
109
00:10:13,366 --> 00:10:16,672
They don't know about you yet, Holl.
It might be an idea to keep it that way.
110
00:10:17,173 --> 00:10:21,368
I need some info. If the board of enquiry
find us guilty tomorrow, what happens then?
111
00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:24,920
Well if you lose, you'll probably
get a couple of years in the brig.
112
00:10:24,955 --> 00:10:25,885
What brig?
113
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:26,918
The brig on floor 13.
114
00:10:26,953 --> 00:10:27,917
There isn't a floor 13!
115
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,920
Yeah, there is. It was classified.
A need-to-know only basis.
116
00:10:31,955 --> 00:10:32,926
So who knew?
117
00:10:33,916 --> 00:10:35,920
Well, all the officers, and anyone
who's ever seen the Twilight Zone.
118
00:10:38,918 --> 00:10:39,921
So what's it like, this brig?
119
00:10:40,917 --> 00:10:42,418
Well if I was an estate agent,
120
00:10:42,419 --> 00:10:45,570
I'd probably describe it as an
old-style penal establishment,
121
00:10:45,571 --> 00:10:48,922
abundant wildlife, two-hundred
bedrooms, all with ensuite buckets.
122
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:51,916
Smeggin' hell.
123
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,199
They call it The Tank.
124
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:57,014
There was an inmate
population of four-hundred,
125
00:10:57,015 --> 00:10:59,126
all being transported to Adelphi 12.
126
00:10:59,527 --> 00:11:01,881
Presumably, they've all
been resurrected too.
127
00:11:01,916 --> 00:11:04,554
What are they like? No don't
tell me, I already know.
128
00:11:04,555 --> 00:11:06,948
They're all deranged,
hairy no-lobes with breath
129
00:11:06,949 --> 00:11:09,097
like old nappies, arms
like toilet walls...
130
00:11:09,098 --> 00:11:11,929
scum of the universe. They're
all like that, aren't they?
131
00:11:12,935 --> 00:11:14,917
Well, the nice ones are, yeah.
132
00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:19,934
Hang on, I've got one of them
on file somewhere. Here we go:
133
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,933
I'm Nigel. I'm nice!
134
00:11:27,926 --> 00:11:30,521
See what I mean? They're
not all headbangers.
135
00:11:31,922 --> 00:11:34,760
Nige is lovely, though he
does tend to get a bit narky
136
00:11:34,761 --> 00:11:36,927
if you go too close
to him with a magnet.
137
00:11:40,930 --> 00:11:42,931
Thanks very much Holl.
Y' really cheering me up.
138
00:11:44,927 --> 00:11:45,931
The brig.
139
00:11:47,931 --> 00:11:52,925
Two years..! Two years without curry
and lager! Two years without sex!
140
00:11:55,601 --> 00:11:58,602
- You hope!
- Rimmer!
141
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,499
Word's out they're going to
throw the book at you, Listy!
142
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:03,594
Followed by the bookcase, and
then the library, brick by brick.
143
00:12:04,598 --> 00:12:07,595
God, it's you like you used to be. Ughhh.
144
00:12:08,596 --> 00:12:12,597
What got into you? You can't fly a
Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician!
145
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:13,600
A zero! A nobody!
146
00:12:15,095 --> 00:12:19,336
This is gonna sound nuts, but the
whole crew died, including you!
147
00:12:19,837 --> 00:12:22,596
And you've all been resurrected
by these microscopic little robots!
148
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:24,595
- I died?
- Yeah.
149
00:12:25,194 --> 00:12:26,565
- All the crew died?
- Yeah.
150
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,743
And you're going to spend
the next two years in the brig
151
00:12:28,744 --> 00:12:31,147
with a load of neanderthals
with badly spelled tattoos.
152
00:12:32,448 --> 00:12:33,599
So where are we, is it my heaven?
153
00:12:35,591 --> 00:12:38,470
Look, a radiation leak
wiped everybody out.
154
00:12:38,471 --> 00:12:40,760
I survived because I was in stasis.
155
00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:45,601
Then these nano's arrived... rebuilt
the ship, and resurrected the crew.
156
00:12:45,636 --> 00:12:46,597
So where are they?
157
00:12:47,594 --> 00:12:50,564
Dunno... gone, scarpered.
Maybe I should take the fifth?
158
00:12:50,599 --> 00:12:53,591
The fifth? If I were you, I'd take
the sixth, seventh and eighth, too.
159
00:12:54,594 --> 00:12:57,367
I've got to track down these
nano's, to corroborate our story.
160
00:12:57,368 --> 00:12:59,436
Otherwise, who's going
to believe our defence?
161
00:12:59,437 --> 00:13:01,592
Only meths drinkers and
the corn circle society.
162
00:13:02,591 --> 00:13:03,596
I need your help, man.
163
00:13:03,631 --> 00:13:04,597
Me?
164
00:13:05,597 --> 00:13:08,394
Who else is going to help
me? I'm confined to quarters.
165
00:13:09,195 --> 00:13:11,043
The minute I walk though that door,
166
00:13:11,344 --> 00:13:13,589
I get enough wattage up my jacksie
to light up the whole of Bootle!
167
00:13:14,595 --> 00:13:17,281
Well, considering what the future
has in store for your jacksie,
168
00:13:17,282 --> 00:13:19,595
a couple of zillion volts
is going to be easy street...
169
00:13:36,156 --> 00:13:39,661
What's this rumour that we're three
million light years into Deep Space,
170
00:13:39,662 --> 00:13:41,149
and Red Dwarf's changed shape?
171
00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:47,156
That is classified information,
Karen! Who the hell told you that?
172
00:13:48,149 --> 00:13:49,147
The coffee machine on G-deck.
173
00:13:50,149 --> 00:13:54,150
That damn coffee machine. I'm gonna
bust his ass down to tampon dispenser!
174
00:13:55,148 --> 00:13:56,153
Is it true?
175
00:13:58,153 --> 00:14:00,939
Until we get Holly back
up, we can't verify it.
176
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,901
Starbug took out one of his CPU banks
177
00:14:02,902 --> 00:14:05,146
in the crash and we're
having trouble rebooting.
178
00:14:05,181 --> 00:14:09,513
The coffee machine said the ship's now
identical to its original design plans,
179
00:14:09,514 --> 00:14:11,152
before the JMC made all its cutbacks?
180
00:14:12,147 --> 00:14:15,211
We now have a quark-level
matter anti-matter generator,
181
00:14:15,212 --> 00:14:19,150
ship-wide bio-organic computer
networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck.
182
00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:23,146
But how? And how did we
wind up in Deep Space?
183
00:14:23,751 --> 00:14:24,851
Nobody knows...
184
00:14:37,166 --> 00:14:39,164
We don't believe this one's
human. Take a look at this:
185
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:43,132
Has he got the measles?
186
00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:44,168
Those are his nipples, Frank.
187
00:14:47,170 --> 00:14:50,170
Six nipples? I wonder what the
female of the species is like?
188
00:14:51,170 --> 00:14:55,170
Pretty easy to please in bed!
Especially if you play the piano.
189
00:14:57,170 --> 00:14:59,166
His internal organs are different too.
190
00:14:59,201 --> 00:15:00,128
In what way?
191
00:15:00,163 --> 00:15:04,187
His kidney, liver, appendix,
are all colour co-ordinated.
192
00:15:05,788 --> 00:15:09,164
And even weirder, his stomach
wall appears to be decorated.
193
00:15:10,164 --> 00:15:12,163
This guy's intestines look
better than my quarters.
194
00:15:13,164 --> 00:15:19,165
His heartbeat's weird too. Instead of a
normal heartbeat, his sounds... cooler...
195
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:24,202
You think I'm going to have
the dorky human heartbeat?
196
00:15:24,203 --> 00:15:28,162
D dff, d dff, d dff, d dff.
Where's the tune in that?
197
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,163
Let me hear it.
198
00:15:39,166 --> 00:15:40,165
Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.
199
00:15:50,161 --> 00:15:52,164
Oh, that's good. Can you
slam that down on tape for me?
200
00:15:58,159 --> 00:16:02,163
Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape.
I've got to track down these nanobots.
201
00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:06,165
I'm not risking my career and standing
for you, Listy. I'm going places!
202
00:16:07,164 --> 00:16:08,159
"Up the ziggurat, lickety-split"...
203
00:16:09,163 --> 00:16:12,162
Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely!
I'm going to pass the engineering exam!
204
00:16:12,197 --> 00:16:13,161
"And become an officer"...
205
00:16:14,172 --> 00:16:18,157
And become an officer, yes! An officer.
A guy of honour, decency and breeding.
206
00:16:19,158 --> 00:16:21,159
Are you saying I haven't
got those qualities?
207
00:16:22,563 --> 00:16:26,273
Generally, people with breeding, when
they're bored and want my bridge club chums
208
00:16:26,274 --> 00:16:29,196
to wrap up and go home, people with
breeding, generally, do not play
209
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:32,161
'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo
inserted between their buttocks.
210
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:39,157
I remember that! I used to do
that sort of thing, didn't I?
211
00:16:40,188 --> 00:16:41,188
Don't expect help from me, Lister.
212
00:16:41,223 --> 00:16:42,195
But that was years ago...
213
00:16:42,887 --> 00:16:43,987
It was last week!
214
00:16:44,192 --> 00:16:48,152
Last week for you, because you've just
been resurrected; years ago for me.
215
00:16:48,587 --> 00:16:52,542
And anyway I was whirlitzered then.
I even finished off the advocar.
216
00:16:53,443 --> 00:16:56,186
I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff
down the back of the drinks cabinet.
217
00:16:58,187 --> 00:17:03,188
That was my Windowlene... I must have left
it there when I was cleaning the glass.
218
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:07,186
It tasted all right with that
Chartruess green liqueurey thing.
219
00:17:08,184 --> 00:17:13,185
You drank my Swarfega
too? You're unbelievable.
220
00:17:14,184 --> 00:17:17,965
Look, I've changed, I'm different
now... more mature, more debonair.
221
00:17:17,966 --> 00:17:22,185
I don't even stir my tea with a spanner
any more. You'd hardly recognise me.
222
00:17:22,220 --> 00:17:23,190
Have you stopped playing the guitar?
223
00:17:24,185 --> 00:17:27,306
No, but I've stopped
accompanying myself on the armpit.
224
00:17:28,407 --> 00:17:31,182
What I'm trying to say is that I don't need
to take my frustrations out on you anymore.
225
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,185
How's that?
226
00:17:34,188 --> 00:17:37,779
I've been away, what is it? Five,
six years, not counting stasis?
227
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,486
I've done stuff! Stuff that would make
your hair straight. I've come through it.
228
00:17:45,193 --> 00:17:46,187
I can help you...
229
00:17:46,885 --> 00:17:48,481
- Do what?
- Get promoted.
230
00:17:50,699 --> 00:17:51,699
Preposterous!
231
00:17:52,203 --> 00:17:53,198
How?
232
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:57,560
Information. I've seen the
crew's confidential reports.
233
00:17:57,561 --> 00:18:00,201
I've seen their strengths
and weaknesses...
234
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,165
How?
235
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:05,199
Well before you were resurrected, I
had the run of the whole of the ship.
236
00:18:06,198 --> 00:18:10,451
I've seen the crew's files, medical records,
sessions with the therapist, the works.
237
00:18:11,152 --> 00:18:12,202
Knowledge is power. Who said that?
238
00:18:13,194 --> 00:18:14,196
I don't know.
239
00:18:15,198 --> 00:18:20,595
Nor do I. The point I'm trying to make
is, I can make you look like a genius.
240
00:18:20,596 --> 00:18:24,490
You can get promoted in the field,
man, you won't have to take exams,
241
00:18:24,491 --> 00:18:28,194
or do that astro-engineering
smeg... Just, help me escape.
242
00:18:29,212 --> 00:18:35,111
I have my principles, Lister. You think you
can buy me with promises of power and glory?
243
00:18:35,112 --> 00:18:40,215
You really think... okay, I'll do it.
But you'll have to prove it to me first.
244
00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:41,216
You're on.
245
00:18:42,220 --> 00:18:44,213
- Get me promoted.
- You've got it.
246
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,212
Okay, deal.
247
00:18:46,215 --> 00:18:49,127
You'll find the confidential
files in Starbug's cockpit.
248
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:53,215
There's a senile version of Holly loaded
into this watch. He'll lead you to it.
249
00:18:54,213 --> 00:18:59,770
Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McLaren; I am
the ship's chief psychiatric counsellor,
250
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:03,211
and I thought it's about time we got
together, and had a really good natter.
251
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:05,210
My name is Kryten, sir.
252
00:19:06,214 --> 00:19:13,213
Lovely! We are doing well, aren't
we! Now, you're a robot, aren't you?
253
00:19:14,212 --> 00:19:16,208
I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes.
254
00:19:17,211 --> 00:19:21,216
And can you tell me, when you
were created, can you remember?
255
00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:22,221
2340, sir
256
00:19:23,216 --> 00:19:28,220
Very good, 2340. Now, that's
in the future, isn't it?
257
00:19:29,222 --> 00:19:31,184
Yes sir, I was created after you died.
258
00:19:31,219 --> 00:19:37,578
Lovely! Lovely! So, I died,
er, and you were created.
259
00:19:37,879 --> 00:19:40,220
And how long would you say
I've been dead, altogether?
260
00:19:40,255 --> 00:19:42,216
Oh, you're not dead any more, sir.
261
00:19:42,251 --> 00:19:43,219
Aren't I?
262
00:19:44,215 --> 00:19:47,217
No no, you're alive again
now, sir. Can't you tell?
263
00:19:48,217 --> 00:19:52,218
Right! I was alive, died, and
then started living again..?
264
00:19:53,219 --> 00:19:54,214
You have been most fortunate sir!
265
00:19:55,233 --> 00:20:00,234
I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair
is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?
266
00:20:03,233 --> 00:20:04,236
Er, yes, sir?
267
00:20:05,236 --> 00:20:07,973
Just checking!
Excellent, lovely, lovely!
268
00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:11,232
So, how did I suddenly
spring back to life again?
269
00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:15,231
You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty,
teeny-weeny, teenty little robots!
270
00:20:16,227 --> 00:20:17,191
'Teenty little robots'?
271
00:20:17,226 --> 00:20:21,232
And they make this little noise,
'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'!
272
00:20:22,228 --> 00:20:25,371
Yes, just double check that
chair for me, would you, Kryten?
273
00:20:25,372 --> 00:20:27,226
It is still screwed down, isn't it?
274
00:20:27,261 --> 00:20:31,231
With really long, long screws
that go deep, deep into the ground?
275
00:20:31,266 --> 00:20:32,228
Er, yes, sir.
276
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:37,119
Okay, now tell me, what kind
of robot do you think you are?
277
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,192
What were you programmed to do?
278
00:20:39,227 --> 00:20:40,894
Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir.
279
00:20:40,895 --> 00:20:44,229
I'm programmed to do sanitation-type
things: washing, cleaning, ironing.
280
00:20:45,229 --> 00:20:47,688
Hmm. You also drive
spaceships though, don't you?
281
00:20:47,689 --> 00:20:51,378
Pretend to be the science officer,
and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair,
282
00:20:51,379 --> 00:20:54,230
with all those lovely, pretty
buttons and press them all?
283
00:20:54,265 --> 00:20:57,230
Yes, I do that too, sir. That's
sort of thanks to Mister Lister.
284
00:20:57,265 --> 00:20:58,224
Mister Lister..?
285
00:20:59,224 --> 00:21:00,790
He helped break my programming, sir.
286
00:21:00,791 --> 00:21:02,547
Over the years I have managed to develop
287
00:21:02,548 --> 00:21:05,226
some serious character faults
of which I'm extremely proud!
288
00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:09,126
I'm even able to lie
to a modest standard,
289
00:21:09,127 --> 00:21:12,230
for example: "you have
a very fine hair cut!"
290
00:21:16,226 --> 00:21:17,786
You see how good I've got?
291
00:21:17,787 --> 00:21:22,225
Also, "I've completely mastered
pomposity, even though I say so myself!"
292
00:21:24,227 --> 00:21:28,438
I've also developed several
rudimentary emotions, including fear:
293
00:21:28,439 --> 00:21:33,223
"Oh my God! It's going to kill us!";
sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us";
294
00:21:34,222 --> 00:21:41,222
happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise:
"Oohh! I've turned into a frog!",
295
00:21:42,224 --> 00:21:45,405
and just lately, I'm proud to
say, I've got the hang of anger,
296
00:21:45,406 --> 00:21:47,222
with rudimentary mindless violence:
297
00:21:51,251 --> 00:21:55,609
That's a newie. I was going to
launch it at this year's Emotion Show.
298
00:21:55,610 --> 00:21:59,531
At the moment, I'm
working on ambivalence
299
00:21:59,532 --> 00:22:01,072
which means feeling two opposite,
300
00:22:01,073 --> 00:22:03,266
irreconcilable emotions
about the same thing:
301
00:22:08,270 --> 00:22:11,279
As you can see, I haven't quite
got the hang of that one yet.
302
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,268
I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.
303
00:22:18,271 --> 00:22:20,238
What is your relationship with Lister?
304
00:22:20,273 --> 00:22:23,193
I love Mister Lister, sir,
he taught me everything.
305
00:22:23,194 --> 00:22:25,270
Without him, I'd probably be normal.
306
00:22:28,266 --> 00:22:31,934
I'm going to make a recommendation now,
Kryten, which I think will help you,
307
00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:35,268
but just before I do, just double
check that chair for me, would you?
308
00:22:50,272 --> 00:22:51,273
Yes!
309
00:22:56,268 --> 00:22:59,273
Luck virus; sexual magnetism?
310
00:23:00,270 --> 00:23:01,268
Holly, what's this?
311
00:23:02,268 --> 00:23:05,839
Dave got them years ago from
this scientist called Lanstrom.
312
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,303
They're positive viruses.
313
00:23:07,704 --> 00:23:10,990
One gives you sexual magnetism,
and the other gives you luck.
314
00:23:10,991 --> 00:23:14,268
Well, 'til your natural body
defences combat the virus.
315
00:23:15,269 --> 00:23:16,272
Sexual magnetism!
316
00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:19,232
You gonna use it?
317
00:23:19,267 --> 00:23:22,332
Is Paris a kind of
plaster? You bet I am!
318
00:23:22,333 --> 00:23:26,273
A tiny swigette to see if
it works. Well, bottoms up!
319
00:23:29,272 --> 00:23:30,271
Then bottoms down, and
hopefully bottoms up again!
320
00:23:41,265 --> 00:23:42,265
Hi, Arn...
321
00:23:45,264 --> 00:23:46,266
Ladies!
322
00:23:47,266 --> 00:23:48,270
Hi, Arnold...
323
00:23:49,267 --> 00:23:50,266
The world loves a bastard!
28268
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