All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s01e05.eng

- [Narrator] Warning.

The following program contains
really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption,

smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go
[beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[calm music plays]

- This fucking girl
from England,

who's claimed she's banged
over 20 ghosts,

and now she's engaged
to one [laughs].

- Okay

- [Man In Blue Shirt] Are you
fucking kidding me [laughs]?

- Just you're saying
that into my good ear.

- I know , I even watched
her fucking interview she's--

- [Man In Black Shirt]
She banged 20 ghosts.

- Yep.

- And now she's
engaged to a ghost.

- Apparently they're better
lovers than real men.

- Wow, she's just gotta.

- [Ricky] And she's
fucking them.

She's not a bad looking girl.

I don't really get it,
it's weird.

- I get it, she's got a
couple of screws loose.

- Yeah, that's probably--

- She wants wants to have a baby

with this ghost
she's engaged to.

So they're asking her, you know,
"well is

"it gonna be a human baby?"

And she said, "well, I'm hoping.

"But, if it's not, you know,

"it'll probably be a
phantom baby".

- Well, you know what?

- She believes in phantom
pregnancies, I guess.

- But that's her only
way out of this.

For her to actually
have a ghost baby.

That's the only way she can get

out of fucking not
looking like a crazy--

- Oh no, she still looks--
- Well, you know what?

I feel bad for her
- She still looks good.

- I feel actually sorry for
her because she's clearly--

- Insane.
- Out of her mind.

- Maybe she's not, maybe
she's happier than all of us.

She sure fucking seems like it.

She met her fucking fiance ghost

in Australia on an nature
hike [snickers].

And then she's like, "normally
when I sleep with a ghost,

"I have to leave the
ghost at the scene

"cause they can't
really move around".

But, she said "I was surprised
when I was flying home.

- "He was on the plane".

- And they went to the bathroom.

And now she's part of the
mile high club.

- No, with a ghost?

You're fucking kidding me.

[man in blue shirt chuckles]

- [Man In Black T-Shirt]
Can We go get drunk now?

Can we stop this?

- Yes, I'm outta...

I need another beer.

- What the fuck, she seems...

She said the fucking...

She was just sitting
on the plane,

and all of a sudden she
felt the ghost

and the guy was like,
"what, did you get hugged?

She's like, "no, I felt him".

Like I think he must have been
inside of her, in the seat.

And then they took it
to the bathroom.

- So ghosts just float around

and just fuck whoever they want,
do they?

- That's quite a fuckin'--

- Right through clothing too.

- Quite a thing.

- Well, he's a ghost.

He can fuckin...

He could be in between
her skin and the clothing.

He could fit right in that--

- They said, "is he old?"
- Little microscopic gap.

- And she said, "yeah, he's
been around for a long time.

"He's very wise".

- So he's good at banging too,
obviously.

- He's been fuckin' for
centuries now.

[man in blue shirt chuckles]

- [Man In Blue Shirt] So I
went to the props department,

and found this big bag of dicks.

[bag crackling]

So, I figure what we'll do.

Tie a bunch of these
together in a big ball.

Put that on a pulley up
to the ceiling.

They hit a trip wire,
[bell dings]

of the big fucking ball of
dicks, smack, right in the face.

It's gonna be fuckin' awesome.

So just take about four dicks,
I guess.

Grab 'em by the ball sack.

Then tie them around
the ball sack.

Leave a bit of length so you
can tie them all together.

I can't wait to see the
fuckin' look on their face

when they get hit in the face

with about fuckin' 25 dicks.

Fuck you.

All right, well we've
got six left,

so we'll just tie all
these little guys

and do a little six fuckin'
pod here.

That'd be weird if you
had one of those.

Huh [laughs]?

What would you do with that?

All right, so once you get
dicks your all tied off...

It's kind of weird how
that worked out.

Two groups.

You wanna tie them all together.

So you get some fucking twine.

Circle it around all the balls.

Fuck off.

All right, holy fuck
that's heavy.

That's gonna fucking hurt.

So getting a big ball of dicks
in the face is not great,

but getting a big ball
of butter dicks

in the face is even fuckin'
worse.

And then, you know, when
someone's got coming

through the offs

and they got butter
and shit all over them,

and you say, "hey, dick
butter, "the fuck are you doing

"in my fuckin', my office?

"Fuckin' with all my
tools and shit".

So, that's gonna be...

Oh, that's fucking nasty.

Oh, they feel so weird.

All right, so imagine
taking that fucking thing

in the fucking face.

All right, so now I'm gonna
take my big ball of dicks

all buttered up.

Gonna hang 'em from the
ceiling from the pulleys.

Set up my little trip wire,

and we're gonna see on
camera next time

who's fuckin' with me cause
they're gonna get this right

in the fuckin' face.

[tense music plays]
[foot steps approaching]

[pulley creaks]

Just setting the last of
my trip wire here

for the big ball of
butter dicks.

So everybody be careful here.

Don't hit this fucking wire
or you're gonna get a big ball

of butter dicks right in
the fucking face.

Which would be kind of funny,
but.

All right, now that's done.

We're gonna move on to
fuck you trap number three.

[bell dings]
The flour blaster.

[upbeat music plays]

[flour sprays]

The flour blaster is a
great way to fuck someone

over especially if they get hit

with the fucking piss
balloons first

and they get hit with flour.

I mean, it's gonna
be pretty easy

to tell who the fuck
has been in here

and fucking with all my stuff.

So, with the flour blaster,

you're gonna need an
air compressor.

Just need a little bag
of flour about this size.

You wanna run a fucking
tube like this

from your compressor.

Cut a little hole in
the little baggie here.

Don't keep it too big.

The smaller, the better.

Jam your little tube in.

Secure that with a bit
of fuckin' duct tape.

And you don't wanna turn
the compressor

on until you're done just
in case it fucking goes off

and blasts you.

So that's already like that.

You wanna open the bag

and you can just have it sitting
here or anything like that.

As soon as they hit a trip wire,

basically the idea is the trip
wire is gonna be hooked up

to this little fucking thing,

and then, boom.

[flour sprays]
Fuck

Okay.

That wasn't supposed to happen.

[spits] Anyway, it does
work pretty fucking good

as you can see.

[exhales heavily] So I'm
gonna have to reset that.

Run a fucking trip wire.

For fuck sakes [spits].

We're gonna get to the bottom

of who's been in my
fucking shop fuckin with me

and we're gonna fuck them.

This is fucking ridiculous.

Now I got it in my
fucking eyes, I can't see.

[metal clanging]
[head smacks]

Fuck.

God damn it.

[sighs] Fuck, all right,
get out the cut.

I can't see a fucking thing.

I need to smoke a fuckin' joint.

We'll be back.

[upbeat music plays]

- I'm Matty Matheson,
and I'm here--

- I'm Randy.
- Ran, not now.

Just chill, man.

I'm Matty Matheson,
and I'm here,

and I'm gonna be cooking
rappie pie for the boys.

We got Julian and the
Ricky and the Bubbles,

and Randy, you're gonna help
me carry the bags, okay?

- Yeah, but you're, you're
making cheeseburgers, Matty.

- No, I'm not making
fuckin' cheeseburgers.

- You're known for your
cheeseburgers.

- But that's not
what I'm making.

I'm making the boys rappie pie.

I wanna make them
something I care about.

I don't fucking care
about cheeseburgers, man.

- But I don't want dessert,
Matty.

I want a nice cheeseburger.

Please Matty.
- Rappie pie is not dessert.

It's chicken, it's potato,
it's crunchy.

- I don't know what this
rappie pie stuff is.

It's a frigging dessert.

Like he's won awards
from his cheeseburgers

for freaks sakes.

Like stick to what you know.

- I wanna make them something
that's really honest

and a part of me,

and then fuckin' Randy
fuckin idiot,

he's just like "cheeseburgers."

- If you do a good job, maybe
I'll make you a cheeseburger.

- You'll make me a cheeseburger?

- Well maybe, if you
carry the bags.

I don't want you to be sad

because I don't want some sad
mother fucker walking around.

- I'll carry the bags.

- Okay, you carry the bags.

- Yeah, I'll do it.
- We gotta get the rappie pie.

And if you do a good
job, you gotta help me.

I'll make you a cheeseburger,
okay?

- Deal.

- Okay, Randy.
- Good grip.

- Well, yeah strong hands.

You got a strong hand, aye?

- You're pretty handsome.

- Well, okay.

We're gonna go get some
fuckin rappie pie

and maybe a cheeseburger for
my cheeseburger boy here.

[upbeat music plays]

- Hey, what's going on man?

- [Butcher] Hey,
watch the glass.

- [Matty] Fuckin' Randy, we're
at the fuckin' butcher shop,

and he presses his greasy
fucking belly right

into the glass, like a
fucking goddamn feral gorilla.

It had the fucking
imprint on the glass.

Gonna have to clean that up.

Fuckin' get Hep C or something.

Randy, he's just an animal.

Just living outside of society.

I need chicken for rappie pie.

If you can just cut em in half.

- Yep.
- That'd be great.

And I'm trying to share
something like fucking intimate

and a part of my heritage
with the boys.

I wanna impress them.

Be my first time hanging out
with them, I wanna look cool.

- [Butcher] Two pass, or
you want it like that?

- Just do it one more time.

Oh yeah, that's gonna
make the patties

for the boys [laughs].

[upbeat music plays]

- All right, boys all
set, there's your beef.

- [Randy] Yeah, looks awesome.

- You gotta make sure
for the rest

of the day we gotta
be really good.

Rappie pie's important.

- I believe you Matty.
- Okay.

- I believe you, I'm
very excited.

- [Butcher] So whose paying?

- Julian's got us looked after.

- Yeah.
- Who's Julian?

- Julian's got it.
- Yeah.

- Julian who owns

the trailer park.
- Is he here?

Has he got money on him?

- Yeah, no, he's out in the car.

- Oh Okay.
- Julian.

I'm here to fucking
cook for the boys.

And I'm not fuckin' paying
outta my fucking pocket.

- You guys gonna come
right back with the money?

- Yeah, absolutely, thank you.

- Very nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet guys.

- Enjoy the meat.
- Randy, let's go.

- Let's go, thanks.
- Okay.

- [Matty] I feel bad
for that butcher shop.

But [groans] it seems like
everyone gets dicked coming

down here.

[upbeat music plays]

- [Randy] Are we gonna
make cheeseburgers first

before the rappie pie, please?

- Dude, we got...

I wanted to really make sure

that the rappie pie is
perfect for the boys.

- I'm famished, I need
a cheeseburger.

- Okay, just if we so
if we stop...

We need to stop talking
about the cheeseburgers.

I'll show you how to
make the cheeseburger.

- You will?
- Yeah, I'll get you.

We're gonna fucking do it.

We'll just do the
fucking cheeseburger.

Rappie pie, I'll fuckin',
we'll do later.

- [claps] Cheeseburgers.

- [Matty] Okay, fuck I
hate cheeseburgers.

[upbeat music plays]

You like big patties, or
do you like small patties?

- I like smaller patties,
but with more of them.

- Okay, more of them,

- Like multiple.

- Pat, like they're
triple stackers.

- Sure.

- Okay so can you make balls?

Kinda wanna, like
make meatballs.

Like that, is that okay?

And as you do that, I'm
gonna make some secret sauce.

- [Randy] How come mine
looks like an egg?

- Well, you gotta fuckin"
pay attention.

You gotta work really
hard right now.

- [Randy] You don't squish
the balls hard.

- No you you're gentle,
firm but fair.

- Look, that's almost perfect.

- Okay, just a little
bit smaller.

- [Randy] Freak sakes.

- So I got yellow mustard,
ketchup,

and then we're gonna do mayo,
right?

And then these sauces.

That's what makes special sauce.

And then I'm gonna cut an onion.

I'm gonna share your cuttin...

Can I share the cutting board?

- Sure.

- [Matty] What's your
favorite cheeseburger?

- The one that I'm just
about getting ready to eat.

- That's your favorite one?

You haven't even had it.

- Well, I'm just saying that
it's like every cheeseburger,

some cheeseburgers are
better than others.

Just, I don't like it
if it's a dried up piece

of frigging shit, I
don't like that.

- No.
- No.

- [Matty] Julian likes
fuckin' well done bullshit,

doesn't he?

- Well Julian, yeah.

He likes them lean, he's
got the muscles.

- He's got fuckin' so
many muscles.

And then some pickles,
do you like pickles?

- Love pickles.
- Okay, we got pickles.

[Matty grunts]
- And sausage.

Do you like sausage?

- Yeah, but not for this.

- Well, I'm just..

You know, about that long.

- Oh Randy.

[harmonica plays]
So I'm just gonna cut this

on raw beef.

Always make sure you got raw
beef on your cutting board.

Cause you know what?

We're in the trailer park.

- [Randy] You're not supposed
to cut stuff on raw beef.

- Do you like eating
tartare, steak tartare?

Have you ever had?

- I don't like tar.

- No it's not tar, tartare.

Have you ever had--

- Tarter sauce, yeah.

- No, it's not tarter sauce.

Okay, nevermind.

[upbeat music plays]

- [Bubbles] What's going
on, it's Bubbles here.

Fuckin trying not to freak out.

I'm about to go into
Classified Studio.

Where it all goes down.

Where he makes the hits.

I got T here with me.

T got me in tonight.

- Listen.

- T Thanks for getting me in.

- When you come up

in this mother fucker, don't
make a fool to yourself, yo.

- I won't, I'll try not to.
- We gonna hold it down.

We gonna spit some real shit,
yo.

You know what it is.
- Okay.

I don't normally get
into places like this.

- But you know what it is
though, right?

- I think I do
- Listen.

Your two other friends,
they ain't here.

Listen, I got you.

You just be yourself.

- So it's just me and T.

- It's me and you, I got you.

You cool though, don't worry.

- I don't normally get
into places like this.

T vouched for me.

And he's like, "Bubbles will
be cool, he won't fuck around".

- He fucking better be.

You know what it is.

- I will T.
- He's my problem.

This motherfucker.
- I will T, thank you.

[rap music playing]
- Yeah I'm just...

You know, I'm in the
fucking right

in the recording room here.

This is where they do
the vocals, right here.

Look at this.

So if I could just
shoot a little bit

of stuff while you're rapping

then this would be
fucking decent.

- "Peeping In The Window?"

Is that what you want to do?

Let's do it.

[upbeat rap music plays]

♪ Who's that peepin in
your window window ♪

♪ Class representing
outta Enfield ♪

♪ Got a habit I been
after something ♪

I dunno if you wanted it
creepy, I did it creepy.

- Quake Matthews doesn't
fuck around baby.

[upbeat rap music playing]

This is where all the
recording happens right here.

It's got all the fancy gear.

- What's up.

- Classified right there.

♪ I'm trynna show em
what I'm worth ♪

♪ So I'm working till
I suffocate ♪

♪ Nobody wants to die over
worked and under paid ♪

[upbeat rap music plays]

- That's a bad ass rapper.

One of these days, I'm
gonna take you on.

- [chuckles] You know what,
I'm ready for you, Bubbs.

- Could you teach me how to,
you know, do some battle rap?

- You wanna stick
around an hour after

this if you have time?

We can go through your
basics and stuff like that.

- That's weird.
[man in striped shirt laughs]

Stick around afterwards.

♪ Shameless, the way I'm so

♪ Get to flipping like a Honda

♪ Motorola phone I'll blow
you're fucking tongue out ♪

♪ Bitch say something boy

♪ Lane checker

♪ Put us the map

♪ Cause I'm a legend

♪ Get it

♪ East coast West Coast
know I got the ♪

- [Bubbles] Everybody's
right on the liquor.

- [Man In Striped Shirt] Yeah.

- Go down to Sobies to
the fish department.

Grab a big cod and start
socking on his lips.

That's what it tastes like.

- Who hasn't done that?
[men laugh]

- [Producer] Bubbles do
you play guitar?

- Yeah.

- Yeah do you wanna--

- [Bubbles] You want me
to try to put some guitar?

I'll fuckin' put some
guitar on there.

- Put some guitar on
that shit man.

- It matches your shirt
and everything.

- Holy fuck, look at that.

Look at that, special order.
[men laugh]

[upbeat guitar music plays]

Are you looking for
country western or?

[upbeat rap music plays]

[guitar playing]
[upbeat rap music plays]

Just wait, let me roll
my sleeve up.

My sleeve's getting tangled up.

- [Producer] Come on folks.

Lets get serious about
this shit dude.

♪ I got a habit I been
at this like an addict ♪

[upbeat guitar music plays]
[upbeat rap music plays]

- [Producer] Fuck Bubbs,
you killed that shit.

[upbeat guitar music plays]

- Come on.
- It's over.

- [Producer] All right, I'm
gonna need three quarters

of the publishing.

- Okay.

[men laugh]

T I hope I'm not
embarrassing ya.

I know you got me in
here tonight.

And I'm right on the liquor.

I hope I'm not embarrassing ya.

- Nope, we good, we on
the same lane.

- Decent.

[chill music plays]

- It's almost dinner time,
and I am fucking pumped.

It's chicken finger day.

The greatest fucking
day of the week.

I mean, it's the little
things in jail

that really make being in
jail worthwhile.

And chicken finger day
to me is like,

I don't know, going to
the Olympics.

I mean, not as one of the
athletical guys or whatever,

but you know, someone
that works there,

and is pumped up cause well
it's the fuckin' Olympics.

Anyway, I'm fucking
pumped, it's the Olympics.

Yeah, chicken finger day boys.

- You're gonna be
disappointed brother,

there's not no fingers.

- What are you talking about?

- We'll check it.
- Get me a fuckin' tray man.

- [Man With Goatee]
Rick, tell fucking Billy

that peas and carrots
are frozen, man.

You guys' peas and
carrots frozen?

Fuck, it's not even cooked, man.

- [Ricky] Oh man.

What the fuck is that?

- [Billy] Chicken nuggets.

- [Ricky] It's
chicken finger day.

- [Billy] Yeah, it's
the same thing.

- [Ricky] No, it's not.

- [Billy] Yeah, it is,
it's the same thing.

- I want some fucking
chicken fingers.

It's chicken finger day.

- Here watch.

Chicken finger, two nuggets.

Two nuggets, chicken finger,
same thing.

- [Ricky] No, it's not
the same thing.

Where are the fucking
good kind chicken fingers?

- Ricky's mental battle

over chicken fingers
versus chicken nuggets

has been going on as
long as I can remember.

Since we were little guys.

And I think it started with Ray,

cause Ray always thought the
chicken fingers were a part

of the chicken wing that
actually came right off the bird.

And that nuggets were just
compressed meat

from various areas.

And he taught that to
Ricky and it stuck.

And it's been going on and
I mean, thank fucking god

he doesn't know what
pop corn chicken

or chicken tenders even are yet.

- [Ricky] Do you have any
fucking chicken fingers

back there?

- No, I just have
chicken nuggets.

It's the same thing.
- Okay.

Wanna play like that, do ya?

Fucking, Jesus.

- [Female Officer]
What's Ricky doing?

- He's in an awful hurry.

[female officer laughs]

- He's worked up
about something.

- [Female officer] What is that?

Does he have a shank?

- [Officer With Glasses]
He's got a shank,

and he's threatening the chef.

- I'm not doing the paperwork.

- Do not threaten me with
that toothbrush.

- Go in the fuckin' freezer

and get some fucking
fingers for me only.

I don't care, these guys are
fine with chicken nuggets,

I'm not.
- I don't have any.

Just take the nuggets, come on.

- I'm not eating that fucking
ball and cock gut bullshit.

- [Billy] Just take a step back.

We can all calm down.

- He's right, they
taste the same.

- No, they don't.

- [Billy] It's the same thing,

- [Ricky] Those are bullshit.

They're not even the good kind.

- Look, do you see any
fucking beaks or balls,

or cocks or anything?

- Doesn't even look
like real chicken,

- Its all white fucking meat.

- [Male Officer] For
the love of fuck,

what's goin on in here?

- Fuck off

- [Male Officer] Jesus,
fuck Ricky.

- [Ricky] What the fuck
is this bullshit?

It says chicken finger day.

And he's got chicken balls here.

- [Female Officer] What?

- [Billy] They're nuggets,
they're chicken nuggets.

- [Ricky] Yeah, chicken
bullshit is what it is.

- [Female Officer] What's
the difference?

- I want some good kind
chicken fingers,

or I'm fucking shankin' Billy.

- [Male Officer] What
are you serving up here?

- [Billy] Chicken nuggets,
frozen vegetables,

tarts salad, delicious.

- Put the fucking shank down
- Look at fucking sign.

- We'll get you some top
quality, A plus.

We'll have one of the fucking
guards run out to Costco.

Is that gonna make you happy?

- Yeah, it's gonna make
me very fucking happy.

- And I want chicken fingers

on chicken finger day
from now on.

Not this nugget bullshit.

So, I'm gonna get some
chicken fingers?

- [Male Officer] We're
gonna get you

some chicken fingers, Rick.

- Yeah, see Billy.

Great fucking.

- Now gimme the shank.
- It's not a shank.

It's a toothbrush with
a tooth pick built in.

Just so we're clear.

- [Male Officer] Yeah,
and this is my vibrator.

Hand it over.

We'll get you a new
one of these.

- [Ricky] All right,
I feel good.

Chicken finger day is not
fuckin' ruined [sighs].

- [Male Officer] Would
you like red wine

or white wine with that?

- Sparkling white
would be great.

All right, this is good boys.

- [Male Officer] We'll
make sure we get this.

- Enjoy your shitty
nuggets [laughs].

You should have waited for the
good fucking chicken fingers.

Fucking dummies.

I'll be in my fucking cell.

I want them delivered.

- What's he talking about?

That's fucking quality.

- [Billy] Yeah, I know.

- I knew those guys were
fucking gonna gimme what I want.

I mean, they know I'm not
gonna shank Billy probably.

I like Billy.

And I know they're fucking
watching the fights tonight,

so their fucking lazy.

They don't wanna do a
bunch of paperwork

and be late getting outta here.

So fuck them, I out
smarted them.

- Pay per view is $120.

Not gonna waste my money

over some fucking chicken
nugget fight, stupid.

He wasn't gonna shank him.

He wasn't serious.

And if he did, I wouldn't
have to blame him.

- $1,200 Limit, are
you kidding me?

I've got $1.75
million in assets.

Oh, I understand that,
I'm not working right now

because I have so much
money in assets, okay?

I think you guys gotta go back--

- Julian, I got to to
talk to you.

- Aight, just a moment please.

What Bubbs?

- I gotta talk to you.

- I'm trying to apply for
a fucking credit card.

- Did you have any of the
checking fingers Ricky's eating?

- No, he won't fucking
share them with me.

- Well, we got a
fucking situation.

The guys are saying Ronnie
rubbed them all over his bag

before he gave them to Ricky.

- Oh my fuck.

No, he didn't.

- He had them up his ass crack.

He had them in between his bag
and his legs doing a dance.

- Okay, so what do you
want me to do?

- Oh, we gotta tell him,
don't we?

- No, we're not gonna
fucking tell him.

Do you want him to retaliate
against fucking Ronnie?

You know what that's
gonna fuckin do?

- Do we just let him
eat the fucking things?

They were all over his bag.

- Okay, he's had one or two

or three or four of them.

They've been fucking
dipped in his bag.

Just let him continue
to eat the rest of them.

He doesn't know obviously, okay?

What does bag even taste like?

- I don't know, but it
don't feel right knowing

that he's eating that.

And I'm just letting him.

- Just make sure nobody else
fucking tells him, okay?

- This is fucked.

- I know it's fucked.

♪ Fucking for centuries

♪ I've been fucking
for centuries ♪

♪ And disappointing you
getting me tough ♪

- Good singing Bubbs.

- It's gonna be a
good night boys.

- All right, boys, lets
get go some liquor drinks.

- Karaoke and we're singing
"Fucking For Centuries".

♪ I have been Fucking
for centuries. ♪

[birds chirping]
[calm music plays]

[motor running]

[birds cawing]

[tense tone plays]

- [Narrator] Fuck off.

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