Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

Hey, who's up for a fun family hike to the dump?

Nope. Doodling beats the dump.

I've already been to the dump with you this week, Dad.

Maybe you'd like to join me for a game of chesskers instead?

Why are there also a bunch of gummy bears on the board?

If you have to ask, you've already lost.

(knocking)

Well, if it isn't Dick Chateau's

-butler, Karen Butler. -Greetings.

Wait, you work for Dick Chateau?

The richest man in Lone Moose?

Do you know him, Dad?

I told you kids about that time

Jerry and I accidentally got very high

at that Christmas party,

then got kidnapped by that costume-stealing hooligan, Dick,

who put us in sacks of glitter?

Mm, we always assumed the only part of that story

that was true was that you and Jerry got very high.

You're probably wondering why I'm here,

so I'll get right to it.

Mr. Chateau is the owner

of a YT-5700 Starbird Luxury Smart-Yacht...

-Brag. -...and needs a captain to pilot it.

(whistles) I'm familiar with the YT-5700.

An ostentatious but mighty pleasure craft that

I've never once dreamed about kissing on the lips.

-Mm, where are its lips? -On the wheel.

-Where's its vagina? -Kids.

-You started it! -Please, go on.

Mr. Chateau's brother is getting married on an island

off the coast, and I need to find the best

boat captain in Lone Moose to take him there.

My research has led me to you.

Oh, no. I'm not getting myself stuck on a boat

with a lunatic from Seward who uses a fake

British accent and trapped me in a bag.

-Ugh, rich people are the worst. -(clears throat)

I can't imagine spending an entire day

with one on this boa-- Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

Could I enjoy something so classist?

My mind says not; but my body says yacht.

I don't care how many workers I have to

shove through the meat grinder of capitalism,

I need one of these yachts!

Kids, no.

It's just a day trip,

and you could bring your family. Here's my card.

Think about it.

-Then say yes. -Sorry, kids.

There's no way we're going on that boat.

I escaped that man's clutches once.

I won't chance it again.

I get it. I was trapped inside Mom

for nine months and hell if I'm going back.

Oh, man, Looper has got to be my favorite time travel movie,

hands down. There's a reason I subscribe to

the official fan magazine Live Laugh Loop.

Oh, that reminds me, are we going to the movies

for date night this week?

No, but I did get us a reservation

at the Russian Restaurant.

The Russian Restaurant? Again?

Well, yeah.

-Is that okay? -Yeah, sure. That's fine.

WOLF: Oh, no. "That's fine" is code

for "Definitely not fine."

Is Honeybee getting bored with date night?

Is she getting bored with me?

What does this mean for our future?

Oh, God, I bet she's so upset right now.

I love when Bruce kicks J-G-L under the table!

Ha ha! Kick him again! The Bruce is loose, baby!

(giggling) Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my...

Aren't you gorgeous?

Uh, Dad? Everything okay?

Are you looking at Dick Chateau's yacht?

Uh, no, no! This is just...

pornography. Okay, fine.

I'm looking at the yacht.

Check out the state- of-the-art controls.

HAM: And look at that floor sink.

That's the kind of thing only rich people drink from.

Ham, that's a bidet. Rich people's butts drink from that.

Well, whatever it's called, I bet that water is extra soft.

Ugh, why are all the coolest things

wasted on super rich, horrible people?

I really don't want to deal with Dick Chateau again,

but by God, this boat calls to me.

I mean, going on a yacht one day wouldn't make us

disgusting rich people. We'd just be enjoying

what disgusting rich people have

for a moment, and then we'd go back to our regular lives.

Whoa! A 12-person, glass hot tub.

Ooh, Uncle Brian would love to see that.

Huh. Yeah, I should call him.

It's kinda weird, I've called him

a few times since I was his hot tub model

at the State Fair but he hasn't called me back.

Uh-oh, sounds like he's either mad at you or dead.

Oh, good news, he's not dead! He's answering!

Brian's Hot Tubs, you're soaking in it.

Brian! It's Beef! Tobin!

I only know one Beef.

Well, I'm that one. What are you doing on Saturday?

You wanna go on a fancy yacht and soak in a big boss hot tub?

Oh, uh, sure. And that'll give us a chance to... talk.

Okay. I'm bad at talking but for you, anything.

WOLF: "Change your look to change your life..."

This might spice things up with me and Honeybee,

get us out of our rut.

But am I a Lacquer Lad or a Full Body Baddie?

-If I were you, I'd try this. -(yelps)

Shiny Boy Combs Easy brand? Huh. I guess I could give it a...

(gasps) A stranger who appears out of nowhere to help me make

an important decision at a critical juncture in my life?

Same hair, same height, same rad fashion sense...

I mean, I know it's not possible but...

-is that my looper? -What?

Oh, just... I think that guy's me from the future.

Cool. Can I get around you?

I gotta put these shampoos up there.

Ah, sure thing. Let me just-- uh, okay.

You are going that way.

HAM: (whistles) Now that's a lotta yachta.

BEEF: Well, Brian, you looking forward to the day?

I'll bet you can't wait to check out that hot tub.

Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure. Of course, Beef.

And maybe we can find a quiet time for that talk I mentioned.

No big deal, just something about the, uh, State Fair.

Sure, what's, uh...?

-Beef Tobin! -Uh-oh, there he blows.

Welcome aboard my yacht, The Floating Dick.

My butler tells me you have some reservations about

captaining my glorious ship.

But you may rest assured I have no

ill intentions toward you today.

I only wish to go to my brother's wedding.

Now, feel free to explore! The arcade is on the foredeck;

the aviary on the boiler deck;

and you'll find the marionette theater

on the forecastle deck,

as well as the European disco.

And, as this is just a day trip,

I'll expect no pooping in the lavatories.

Pooping in the marionette theater, it is!

(gasps) Wow.

Can anyone else actually feel their values leaving their body?

-Yep. -The only thing that would make this better is if someone

served us endless desserts while we floated in that pool.

AUTOMATED VOICE: I heard you say "dessert."

-(all gasp) -Would you like tiramisu,

escargot gelato, or iced gorilla milk?

Or would you like to move some funds offshore?

My God. A solid-glass, double-pump,

80-jet, saltwater tub with steel heating

and a deluxe ozonator.

They say "don't meet your heroes,"

but he's everything I dreamed.

(giggling)

Well, Beef, I assume that irritating sound

means you're having the time of your gray little life.

When we get to your brother's wedding,

I shall ask the priest

to marry me to this boat.

All right, then!

We're off to crash and ruin my brother's wedding!

-(gasps) What?! -What?

Oh, right, I forgot poor people

have coal factory dust in their ears.

I said we're off to crash and ruin my brother's wedding!

Now, if you need me, I'll be on the lower cocaine deck.

Dick, what do you mean crash and ruin your brother's wedding?

Also, curious how many cocaine decks there are total.

Seven. And I see my plan shocks you,

but my brother Rick Chateau is even worse than me.

-Yuck. -Exactly.

Sorry, you and your brother are both named Richard?

Yes, my father named us all Richard so

-he only had to learn one name. -Cool.

But this particular Richard, Rick, is too evil even for me.

We haven't spoken in years.

I only know about the wedding because

he stupidly sent an invite to our shared pet goldfish,

Richard, whose house is on my property,

but who died years ago.

So, off we go to ruin his wedding.

Wake me when we arrive at the coordinates!

Beef, what should we do?

Um, Tobins, may I see you all in the wheelhouse?

For our, um, daily group hug.

Oh, hell yeah!

Oh, so now that I know this

isn't really for a hug, I guess

you're gonna tell us that we're turning the boat around?

Over my dead, newly wealthy body, Father!

I'm about to turn somebody's neck around.

Actually, no, I don't think we should turn the boat around.

Dick and Rick Chateau are brothers,

just like me and Brian, only they suck.

And I can't imagine us not speaking.

It's like I said that one time: "There's no 'I' in brother.

"But there is 'broth.'

And brother soup takes a pinch of Beef and a dash of Brian."

I was drunk when I made that saying up.

But I think it still works.

Dad, I love it.

So, instead of turning the boat around,

here's what we're gonna do...

-Loving the new hairstyle, hon. -Thanks!

It weighs a lot, I can barely hold my neck up.

But if you love it, it's doing its job.

(Russian accent): You place order now.

Uh, I guess I'll just have my usual.

And husband? You want same ol', same ol'?

Uh, no. I think this time I'll have the--

Uh, no, too moist. Oh, I could try the--

No, that always gives me phantom diarrhea.

You want the beef stroganoff dumpling platter

with sour cream.

Trust me on that. Nice hair, by the way.

He's back. I'm back!

-What? -Nothing! Uh, uh--

beef stroganoff dumpling platter it is.

Wolf, why do you keep staring at the guy behind me?

Okay, look. The other day

that guy was at Val-U-Buy and he told me

exactly what to put in my hair.

And it's perfect!

And just now he tells me exactly what to order?

And he looks eerily like me.

-What are you saying, Wolf? -I know it sounds nuts

in the butt, but what if he is me?

What if he's my looper?

Okay, I'll just lean back and pretend

I'm yawning but stare at him and...

-Wolf? -Yeah?

-That is nuts in the butt. -I know.

It's so obvious he's your looper.

He even has detached earlobes just like you!

Those babies could fall off any minute.

-This is truly exciting. -Right?

He-- I mean I-- could have

all the answers we're looking for about our future!

We have to ask him as many questions

as possible before he disa-- Oh, he's gone.

So, we would be insane not to follow him, right?

Absolutely.

(sighs) I finally get why my friends

Jeff and Elon went to space.

We've only been on this yacht for a couple hours and it's

-already feeling too small to me. -Oh, no.

Are we turning into rich jerks?

What? No!

I-I feel like the same old Judy,

it's just that now I have a hole in my soul

swallowing everything around me and I can't possibly get enough!

Yeah. Maybe we just deserve nicer things because,

in some way, we technically work harder

than single moms with two jobs who are just barely getting by.

Preachin' to the choir, honey.

My butler said you wanted to see me.

Make it quick. I'm in the middle of buying Ottawa.

We'll take you to Rick's wedding, but only if you let us

help the two of you make up and become brothers again,

because we don't think it'll make you feel good to ruin

your brother's special day, no matter how much you hate him.

(groans) There was a time when we were quite close.

We were even in business together for a while.

Did you know we invented car alarms?

And ATM fees.

And we also came up with a way to make sure

there's less legroom on airplanes.

But then Richard, he... did something unthinkable.

He did the German Squirmin' with my wife.

I don't think I know that phrase.

Oh, please, everyone knows it!

Norwegian Squeegin'. The French Stench.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

Those are also not real phrases, so yes, I guess you do.

I caught them making love!

They were in the car in front of me on a roller coaster.

That does sound like some hurtful German Squirmin'.

Don't you start.

But he's marrying someone else. He's moved on.

Maybe you can move on, too.

It's like Beef always says:

"There's no 'I' in brothers, but there is some 'broth.'"

I don't know what that means.

But if you really think it's worth a shot...

(sighs) I guess I'll go tell my butler

not to bring the bat bombs ashore.

No, no. Bath bombs would be a lovely gesture.

No, bat bombs.

A bomb filled with live bats.

My brother hates them so I was going to release

hundreds of them at his wedding.

I do get them from a reputable source

so I know they don't have rabies, but I guess

I'll just use them on another enemy at a later date.

That's the spirit.

We cannot and should not do it,

but by God, I'd love to see those bat bombs.

Oh, a hundred percent.

I'm so glad the tuxedo vending machine

had something that was able to fit all of us.

Mm, but the diamond anklet vending machine

selection was dismal.

Ugh, truly embarrassing.

Ugh, I can't believe I'm going

to my brother's wedding

without any bat bombs. I feel naked.

Well, you're not naked.

You're wearing a pair of Tobins.

Welcome to the wedding of Rick Chateau

and Diffany Vandenarkenkark.

Please enjoy our cocktail reception before the ceremony.

It's so wonderful to finally be amongst just

normal, everyday, salt-of-the-earth, rich people.

Mm-hmm. Our people.

Nous sommes arrivé. Holy crap, I speak French now.

Not me. I only speak crypto.

(gasps) Oh, God. There he is. Wait!

This was a mistake!

You're just nervous, buddy.

Your hot tub's at 106.

That's too hot. You wanna turn that baby down to 102.

(gasps) Dick? But it can't be.

Wait, Rick also has a fake British accent?

Seems like.

(crying): I can't believe you're here.

I haven't hugged in decades.

It's like wearing a person as a suit.

I don't hate it.

Their brother soup runneth over.

Come! We must catch up.

-Foie gras taquitos? -Yes, please.

Oh, uh... Okay.

I'll start with this and then bring me two more

on the hour every hour until I'm dead.

Ah, I love the serving sizes for rich people.

I don't know if I can eat this many caviar-peño poppers

but I would kick myself if I didn't try.

I'll kick you if you don't try.

We should go around and kick everyone, just because we can.

Now, what is he up to in there?

WOLF: Probably making some vases to bring back

to the future because all the future ceramics

got destroyed in the nuclear apocalypse.

Oh, wow, babe, you're a big hero!

I bet everybody's gonna love having vases again.

Ooh, you probably left yourself

some kinda like, uh, weapons or documents

in the water and you are gonna...

-go fish it out. -I bet you're right!

And then I'm probably gonna do something

very important like defuse a bomb or...

♪ I've been undressed by kings ♪

♪ And I've seen some things ♪

♪ That a woman ain't supposed to see ♪

Huh. Um, okay, not sure what I'm doing right here.

Just blowin' off some steam probably.

Yeah. Being a looper is probably stressful.

Everybody sing it!

♪ I've been to paradise ♪

♪ But I've never been to me ♪

(vocalizing) Yeah!

This is strange. I feel... warm inside.

Oh, Dick, I feel the same.

I was afraid that a moment like this would never happen for us.

I've made so many mistakes in our relationship.

Like telling everyone at boarding school you had a butt

on the front and the back, tricking you into

giving me a kidney I didn't even need just so

I could have three, and of course... Tatyana.

Well, who wouldn't fall prey to Tatyana's charms?

She could dress down a servant in 11 languages.

It's what finally drove our governess away, if I recall.

Oh, no, she just figured out how to escape.

Oh, that's right! We left the crawl space door ajar

and off she went.

All right, now that we've reunited those brothers,

shall we talk about... whatever it is you wanna--

-Oh, pardon me, miss... -(gasps) Beef! Brian!

Alyson? What are you doing here?

Trying to figure out how to get off this island.

These people are a nightmare.

-How do you know Rick Chateau? -I don't.

I was just hired as the wedding photographer.

But there's something really weird going on here.

When I arrived, I had to sign an NDA.

Ooh, a Nice Day Alert.

I love when Ham gives me one of those.

Beef, no. I believe she means a non-disclosure agreement.

Yes! And I heard one of the guests whispering

-something about an ambush? -Uh-oh.

-(bell jingles) -Please, everyone, take your seats.

The ceremony will begin shortly.

City hall?

What the hell would Future You be doing here?

Oh, no, are you gonna kill Mayor Peppers?

-We gotta stop you! -Wait, no.

Future Me is just getting out of the car with that takeout.

(gasps) Did I just kiss that woman?

Is that Future You?

Wolf, that is a 60-year-old white lady.

WOLF: The mystery deepens.

HONEYBEE: Oop-- He's driving! Here we go!

Uh, Dick, there's something Brian and I thought

we should maybe mention. Our friend Alyson said...

Shh, quiet, poor friend. The wedding is about to start.

Greetings, everyone.

Before the ceremony, I want to thank

a special guest for coming-- my brother, Dick.

I know we've had our differences, but...

Wait. Stop.

Before you keep saying nice things about me,

I have to confess something.

When I came here, my intentions were not noble.

But the words of my ship's captain and his brother

who are, I think, my new best friends--

I don't know how friendship works--

convinced me to change course,

so that you and I could be brothers again.

-(laughs) -How wonderful to hear you laugh again.

(laughs): Oh, Dick. Do you think

I actually mailed an invitation

to our old goldfish by accident?

-Oh, boy. -The best gift I could have

received today is having you here...

so that I can see the expression on your face

when I tell you that the woman I'm actually about

to marry is your ex-wife.

Hello!

Tatyana.

-Help. -Oh, no.

Rich people are bad.

(sighs) If only there'd been some way

to know that ahead of time.

Hurry, hurry, marry us before my brother blacks out.

-Do you, Rick, take Tatyana... -I do.

-And do you, Tatyana... -It's a yes.

-You may kiss the bride. -(both moaning)

Dick, I'm kissing Tatyana in front of you

and all these paid actors. Clap for us, actors!

-Ham! -Sorry,

I like to do what other people are doing.

Beef, this is all our fault.

Yup. Who knew that Rick would turn out to be the real Dick?

We've gotta get him out of here.

(groaning)

-Come on. -Kids, help!

Wait, wait! Take me with you!

Oh, don't go.

Tatyana and I are going to do some German Squirmin'

in front of everyone, like old times!

That's not a phrase!

(groaning)

Is he, uh, dying?

'Cause if he does die,

we're keeping the boat.

I think he's just in shock.

Ugh, I was so sure that his brother would

want to reconcile and I wanted that for him because,

well, I have such a great brother.

Yes, you do.

Oh, hey, you're talking again.

You... okay?

Yes. No. Sort of.

Dick, I'm sorry.

No, no, Beef Tobin, your heart

was in the right place but, please,

let's just get out of here now.

I don't think we can leave

until you've given your brother a gift.

I believe I catch your drift, Tobin.

Yes, I also smell the broth you're brewing.

Damn it, I cannot shake this.

Butler! Ready the artillery.

Oh, no, I still go whaling all the time...

-What in the...? -(bats screeching)

-Bats! -No! -(clamoring)

Dick, you bat rastard!

I always cry at weddings.

So here's what I'm thinking: we gotta go talk to this guy.

But first we should put together a list of questions

to ask my looper about our future.

-Okay. -Like I'm gonna ask him

where my keys are gonna be if I lose them in the future.

Or if I ever work up the courage to try dog food.

Okay, let's just go over our questions.

Here's what I've got: will Honeybee always find

my extra-long toes charming?

Should we have kids, or will it be

a Back to the Future II situation

where they just look like us in wigs

but turn out to be horrible people?

And, will me and Honeybee always be together, even if I take her

to the same place for date night all the time? Okay, your turn.

Hmm. I'll just let you read mine.

It's blank. (gasps)

Honeybee, is this your way of telling me

that you already know the future?!

No, Wolf. I didn't write anything down

because I don't really want to know our future.

I'm enjoying watching it play out in real time.

Really? Even though

I always book the same restaurant for date night?

I was all ding-dang worried that you were getting bored with me.

Oh, Wolfie. The only reason I don't wanna

always go to the Russian Restaurant

is because they have such a huge menu

and we both get so much anxiety about what to pick.

I always get food FOMO!

But I'll tell you what I definitely

don't have: husband FOMO.

And how could I be bored with you?

We just spent all night chasing your future self even though

we both probably know deep down

-he's just some guy. -(laughs)

Or is he? Aw, Honeybee...

-(both yell) -I don't know what you two want

or if Pamthony sent you, but stop following me.

Don't hit me! It's me, you.

I mean, you, me.

I mean, we don't even know Pamthony.

-Get outta here! -Ah!

Going, thanks, love you!

Well, that was a lot of fun.

Sweetie, did you see that flash of light

in his window? He just looped!

Wait, no, he's opening the curtain. Oh, and he's nude.

That is definitely not you, babe.

No, it is not. Whoa, that is a lot of testicles.

I know I shouldn't feel good about

bat-bombing a wedding, but...

I feel great about it.

Now I know what I'm getting everyone for Christmas.

(laughs): The bats. They went everywhere!

I've never had friends stand up for me before.

Will you later stab me in the back?

Is this just some sort of elaborate setup?

No, Mr. Chateau, they're really like this.

How nauseatingly curious.

Actually, even Beef and I have our own...

unresolved disagreements.

We do?

Yes, that's what I wanted to tell you.

I've been mad at you since the State Fair.

Is it because I said hot tubs could never replicate

the experience of natural hot springs?

Sort of. You said that to a potential customer.

You also said things like, "This hot tub is expensive,"

and, "You could pre-pay for your entire family's caskets

for the same price as this small warm pool."

That's our dad.

He absolutely loves casket chat.

You said to make conversation with people but...

Mm. Now I see that wasn't the right kind of conversation.

Ah, I'm sorry, Brian, if I messed up your sales.

I... I really had no idea you were upset with me.

And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you.

Next time I'll just be open about it right away

so we don't end up like the Chateau brothers.

Wow. You two had a problem and you solved it

without a single bat bomb.

(giggles) Hey, look, there really is some "broth"

in "brothers," because we're two brothers...

and, like, the hot tub is like the pot of broth. And...

-BRIAN: Are you drunk again? -BEEF: Seems like!

♪ Tell me what you need ♪

♪ I got gels, mousse, pastes, and pomades ♪

♪ Got Devon's Hair Sauce, that'll last for days ♪

♪ You want Gel By Jan? ♪

♪ Hair Butter By Brad? ♪

♪ Maybe Side Part Fudge for you or your dad ♪

♪ Are you a gel-ous guy? ♪

♪ A musky mousse? ♪

♪ Need a paste of honey? ♪

♪ Cause the mousse is loose! ♪

♪ Oh, gel, gel, gel, what do we have hair? ♪

♪ Here's a little dome grease for that bald spot there ♪

♪ I got hair ♪

♪ Gravy, extra hold ♪

♪ An old tube of perm paste that's, like, way too old ♪

♪ You can be a spruce mousse, or a dirty gel daddy ♪

♪ Me, myself, I'm a full body baddie ♪

♪ I got it all. ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0