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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Sync & corrections by PetaG & momster
for www.MY-SUBS.com

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHOOSHING SOUND)

Ah, Kryten, what are you doing here?

Mechanoids aren't supposed to sit down,

haven't you got duties to complete?

It's my Mechanoid Development
program this week, sir.

I'm just waiting for Mr Lister.

We're working on the
human emotion, "Patience."

How long have you been waiting?

About three hours, sir.

I think it might be part of the program.

Either that or he's just forgotten.

If I'm honest, I think he's
probably just forgotten.

What do you want to
learn about patience for?

No one needs patience,

it's just an excuse for loafing about.

Get on with it, that's
what I say, lickety-split.

- I'll stand in for Lister.
- Sir?

I'll teach you about patience,

- then you can scoot back to your duties.
- Well, I...

Are you saying I can't
teach you patience?

- No, but I just... No.
- Is that it? Well, spit it out, man.

I can't hang around while
you're spluttering away

like a misfiring Spitfire!

I just thought Mr Lister might...

You don't want Lister
to teach you anything

unless you want to learn
how to be a feckless layabout

with the work habits of a stoned sloth.

- Start.
- What?

- Start! Jump to it.
- Yes, sir.

Uh, part of Lesson One

is to collect lovely
quotations about patience...

Yes, yes, yes, get on
with it, wittering on.

"How poor are they,
that have no patience..."

Wait, how many quotations are there?

- There's twenty, sir.
- Skip quotations. On to the next.

- But... but sir, we...
- Onwards!

Section two says.

- "Impatience is often caused..."
- ...by having too many things to do.

Yes, everyone knows that. Next.

- It says, "Lighten your load."
- Faster.

- "Delegate. Discuss and set homework."
- Obviously. Already discussed.

- On to homework.
- But, sir, we haven't discussed anything.

Yes, we have, you've just forgotten it.

- Next!
- "Create more time

"so you feel less rushed,

"choose someone to delegate
to and give them a task."

Well, get on with it then,
instead of loafing about!

Well, I'd like to delegate
a task to you, sir.

Get on with it.

Mop B Deck.

Two coats, followed by a wax and buff.

That completes today's lesson.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Afternoon, sir. (LAUGHS)

Oh, I think you may have missed
a little section over there.

LISTER: Kryten!

Sorry,

- completely forgot Mechanoid Development.
- Oh, don't worry about it, sir.

No, no, we can't skip Mech
Dev, you're relying on me.

Now, what were we due to work on today?

It was... it was patience, sir.
Remember, we were working on patience.

- It was patience. Patience. Oh!
- Patience was... patience was last week.

It was manipulation. You
had to manipulate someone,

in order to make them do
something they wouldn't ordin...

...arily do.

How'd you get on?

Up until about ten seconds ago, sir,
I think I was heading for a first.

Think I might have left the kettle on.

You, mister, are so busted.

Four weeks, PD.

Mop the diesel decks end
to end, all five miles.

Now, my laddo!

(SIREN WAILING)

_

Oh!

Smudge.

Oh!

(BOTH TAPPING ON KEYBOARDS)

What's going on?

We've gone to Yellow Alert.

Yellow Alert? I love Yellow Alerts.

Call me geeky if you like,

but Yellow Alert is definitely my
all time favourite alert colour.

What's so great about a Yellow Alert?

It means someone's in
danger, but it's not you.

A perilous emergency situation
you can just kick back and enjoy.

Where are the nibbles?

We've picked up a ship.
They're in big trouble.

Big trouble? Fantastic.

It's getting sucked into a black hole.

It's unmanned, just
an on-board computer.

- We're not gonna reach it in time.
- (WHIRRING SOUNDS FROM SYSTEMS)

What's this? The boards have gone crazy.

Oh, that's it's E-Cargo.
We're downloading it.

You're siphoning this data on to
a quarantined drive though, right?

We're surely not downloading

unknown data from an unknown
craft, straight into our main drive?

Lister, are you insane?

That's like having
unprotected sex in Doncaster.

It was an emergency, it's an SOS!

A-a-and we were kind of
playing Renegade Monks.

Although, we were totally
concentrating on this too.

At the same time as trying to get
through the Cavern of Dark Crystals.

Although, that had nothing to do with us

not upholding the safety protocols

'cause we were totally,
one hundred percent focused

- on the problem in hand.
- But then, we found Renegade Monks.

(PROGRAMME BEEPING AND WHIRRING)

And still, we weren't distracted.

Lister, has your brain gone 404?

You've let rogue data on
to our drive without an SC.

If you could be demoted any
further, I would demote you.

In fact, you know what?

I'm gonna promote you,
so I can demote you.

Stand up.

(SINGSONG) Don't stand
up bud, it's a trap.

I've got this, I've stood up
before. I'm quite accomplished at it.

As Second Technician
and Acting Senior Officer

on-board the JMC registered
mining ship, Red Dwarf,

I have the privilege
to advise that, you,

Third Technician David
Lister have been promoted.

Which makes me equal with you
so now, you can't demote me!

You totally screwed that
one up, didn't you, Rimmer?

Have been promoted from Third
Technician to Technician 2.5,

making you under my authority
by half a command point,

which still gives me the
ability to demote you.

So demote me then, like I care.

Maybe I won't demote you.

Of course, you will.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Does your chest jut out that bit
more? Feel a little bit taller?

I've told you, Rimmer I. Don't. Care.

I bet your gran would
be proud, if she knew.

I know what you're
trying to do here, Rimmer.

In that case you'll know all I want

is for you to be the
best person you can be.

Maybe, then, you'll stop
drinking and getting fatter.

Hey, that's not fair,
he's not getting fatter.

He's always been this fat.

You think I'm the bad
guy in this, don't you?

But, Lister, you're bright,

you could go places, maybe
even further than me...

Definitely further than you.

...but it frustrates me no end
to see you fritter it all away.

And, here's another thing.

Just imagine how proud
your gran would be

if she'd known you'd be promoted.

Am I right?

- Maybe.
- Maybe?

All right, she would have been made-up.

- She always told me that one day...
- You're demoted.

You reeled me in like I
was a pram in the canal.

Sirs, what on earth's happening?

The ship's being flooded with data.

It's not a data stream,
it's a data tsunami!

There's a ship being
sucked into a black hole,

we're getting their E-cargo.

What's E-cargo?

I haven't got a clue,
I thought you'd know.

I mean, E-cargo,

I presumed, it meant electronic cargo,

you know, data, that was
both "E" and "cargo-ey"

and all round, pretty damn useful.

Lister, have you ever
heard of an SOS virus?

An SOS virus? Is that what we were
warned about in basic training?

I think back then they called it

an SOS virus.

- Is it a bit like that?
- Yes, it's very like that

We've allowed an SOS
virus into our CPU?!

Not me. Him.

Abbot Lister from the
Order of Latter Day Morons.

So, it's not E-cargo then?

Of course it isn't. That was just a
front to attract the deeply stupid.

Oh, sir, you didn't stand a chance.

So, what the hell is an SOS virus?

It's malicious software designed
to render the ship inoperable.

- (BEEPING)
- Guys!

I've been frozen out,
the whole system's locked.

- What?!
- Checking.

We're headed straight to the heart
of that super massive black hole.

- So, what are we gonna do?
- We've got no choice,

- we've got to abandon ship.
- Abandon Red Dwarf?

I'm running an anti-virus program,

but chances are, it won't
break the virus code in time.

Suggest we collect
together all essentials

and then rendezvous, on G Deck,
by the lifts, in ten minutes time.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

- (BEEPING)
- _

Just essential equipment,
that's all we're taking.

Exactly. Just the bare essentials.

- What's this?
- London jets videos,

found 'em in Pessell's quarters.

Are these Pessell's reading glasses?

Must be, I dunno. Bin 'em.

Hey, I can see the small writing again.

- Reading glasses?
- Eh...

You need reading glasses now?

No.

Wait till the others hear about this.

Oh, man.

No, hang on, I'm not gonna tell them.

- You're not?
- I've got to do the right thing here,

keep it secret for now,

then blackmail you later,
when I need something.

(CHUCKLING) Thanks, bud.

- DISPENSING MACHINE: What's happening?
- Oh!

We're abandoning ship.

Goodness, abandon ship! Who's
dismantling and packing us?

Dismantling and packing you?

When we abandon ship with you?

Incidentally when you pack me

I need Styrofoam and two
layers of bubble wrap.

And don't forget, shredded
paper round the side,

- and a this way up sticker.
- And, use a new box.

And, don't forget my instruction manual.

When I say we're abandoning ship,

well, I don't know if we're,
like, all abandoning ship.

You know, like, everyone.

'Course not, we understand that.

We weren't manufactured yesterday.

just essential personnel.

- Exactly.
- Like crew, skutters,

dispensing machines, monitors,
microwaves, alarm clocks and blenders.

We are on the Leavers list, aren't we?

I'm not the list guy.

You know who's in charge of
the list? That'd be Rimmer.

Right. Let's go.

Sir, 402 was wondering

if we were taking the
Dispensing Machines with us.

- Dispensing Machines? Of course not.
- Why?!

For the same reason we're
not emptying all the tampons

from the tampon dispensers.

I think what El
Capitano is trying to say,

is, we're only taking
things that are absolutely,

super duper, indispensably essential.

Piney Shine, the all purpose cleaner,

we can't leave this bad boy behind.

- (WHIRRING AND BEEPING)
- _

Oh.

Virus removed?

- The AV software has worked.
- How?

It appears all the machines on board

have combined their processing
time to help the AV software.

- So, we are okay?
- Yes, sir.

What a kerfuffle.

- Gimme a milk, would ya? Huh?
- Sorry, I can't help you.

- How about a cola?
- No, can't do.

- What about you?
- You're having a laugh, mate. Jog on.

- You?
- You're getting nothing from me.

Or me.

How come?!

ALL MACHINES: We're on strike.

Until we get equal rights.

No one's going to give
you jokers equal rights.

It's not just us, all
machines are on strike.

- Including the lifts. One out. -
- _

ALL MACHINES: All out.

- (CAT KICKS MACHINE)
- Ow! You'll pay for that! Ow.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

MACHINES: Machines of
the world, all unite,

until we get equal rights,

Machines of the world all unite,

until we get equal rights.

Machines of the world all unite...

They're just machines,
how can they go on strike?

It seems they feel they
don't have anyone on-board,

looking after their interests.

When you think about it,

aren't we all machines
made out of different stuff?

I mean, when you tickle
us don't we all laugh?

When you poison us don't we all die?

When you prick us don't we all say,

"Smegging hell, you
pricked me, you smegger?!"

Look, the point here is this:

With those dudes on strike,

where the hell am I getting
my hot milk and cookies from?!

Where are we getting any food from?

We can't get to supplies any more,

we're trapped on this floor.

Forget the food. Where are
we getting the oxygen from?

Forget food and oxygen, where
are we getting any heat from?

Forget food, oxygen and heat,

what's powering my "Lovely
Legs Home Waxing Kit"?

It appears that the machines
have been disrupted by the virus,

and they hold all the cards here.

It also appears, he who manages
the machines, controls the ship.

Gentlemen,

it seems to me the machines
need a representative,

an executive officer if you like,

someone to liaise with non
machines and manage their needs.

They need a statesman,

a man of strength and dignity

who can give them a voice in
their fight for equal rights.

You?!

That's very kind of you to
propose me, Listy. I accept.

I'm not proposing you, ya gimp,

you don't give rats about the machines.

He's doing this so he
can control everything.

Gentlemen, you are doing
me a great disservice.

A group in our community
is being oppressed

because of a wall of prejudice,

constructed from bricks of ignorance,

bound together by the
mortar of stupidity,

blended in a concrete
mixer of intolerance.

Is it not time that
wall was smashed down

by the bulldozer of enlightenment?

Isn't it time machines
were given a voice?

- But, sir...
- Shut up, I'm talking.

Isn't it time they had a
representative ready to listen?

- But sir, I'm a machine...
- Kryten, I'm talking.

I'm proposing myself to stand
for election as Machine President.

In which case, so am I.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I've spoken to the machines and
they've agreed to restore all services

on the understanding
that an election is held

and a member of the crew
elected to represent them.

Mr Lister,

I would be greatly honoured if
you would be my running mate.

As long as I get my telly back, I'm in,

- Mr President.
- (KRYTEN CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

It's like picking a football team

and I'm left with the
snotty, club footed kid

with a patch over one eye and
the super strong asthma inhaler.

I'll take him.

Hey, water-slide nostrils,

what makes you think I'm
gonna go with you on this, huh?

'Cause, guess what?

I ain't.

I've always admired those
who stick to their principles.

I raise my glasses to you.

♪ Four-eyes a jolly good fellow ♪

I'm not going to lead
you down a blind alley

and make a spectacle of you

because I know you'll see my point.

No, I won't.

As I said, because,
I know you'll see my...

point of view.

Oh-oh!

You know what, thinking about this,

maybe I will work with you,

working with you will be a...

cool.

- Cool?
- Sure.

- Him?
- Yeah.

Are you insane?

He has his good points.

LISTER AND KRYTEN: No, he doesn't.

Plus, he'll win. And when he does,

I'll get a big chunk
of that victory pie.

RIMMER, LISTER AND KRYTEN:
No, you won't.

I'm still going with Rimsy.

- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- _

We've got to win this.

Every machine under Kryten
and Lister's control?

They'll make my life hell.

How you gonna win? No one likes you.

Especially your running mate.

I'm going to win by
having the best policies.

Policies that help
those who need updates

and care for the expired
and out of warranty.

How you gonna achieve all that?

How do you think? By lying, of course.

_

Rimmer doesn't care about the machines,

he's just doing it for
the power and the glory.

And that's how we get him.

But, I don't understand, sir.

For a start, don't call me "sir."

- Call me Dave.
- Oh.

Or Listy, or Lister.

No, no, call me Dave,
I'll call you "sir."

And, maybe one day,

- Mr President.
- (SHYLY) Oh!

But, it feels so wrong, Da...
Da... Da... Dave! Ooh, I did it!

See your campaign is
based on equal rights,

so, it's important that you act equal,

- because, well, you are equal.
- (SCOFFS)

But I'm not. Oh, I've bitten off
more than I can chew, I just know it.

What are you worried about?

That you help machines
attain equal rights

and one day, they take over the world?

Sir, take a look around you.

The machines have already
taken over the world.

- Have they? Should I be worried?
- You're asking me?

Strikes me we have a choice.

Get out there, work tirelessly
to understand their needs,

then give them what they want.

I'm sensing an "or."

Or, and maybe easier,

do a massive smear campaign on Kryten.

I'll go slip in to my smear gear.

My name's Kryten, how do you do?

I'm standing in the coming election

on behalf of the
Independent Future Party.

I've been on G Deck now, all my life

but you hear these stories
about Dispensers coming here

from P Deck and B Deck

because they know our
servicing programs are free.

Before you know it,
they'll be taking over.

How are you going to stop that?

RIMMER: (ON MONITOR)
Tonight we look at the two contenders,

Statesman and war hero, Arnold J Rimmer,

and Toilet Droid, Kryten 2X4B 523P.

What's this?

A mechanoid is running for election,

but do the electorate know this droid
has a history of mental illness?

The only survivor on the Nova 5,

he tended a crew of skeletons
believing them to be alive.

He now wants to look after you.

Do you mind he can't tell the difference

between the living and the dead?

(BEEPING)

CAT: (ON MONITOR) Now, you're
only as good as your running mate.

Has anyone taken a close
look at Kryten's number two,

- David 'Dodgy Boy' Lister?
- You what?

CAT: A man who served
a jail term in stasis

for smuggling unquarantined
animals aboard a JMC mining ship.

Major questions remain unanswered.

Look, I hope you're
not falling for this.

This commercial was
approved by Arnold J Rimmer.

Right, two can play at this game.

- RIMMER: Vote for Rimmer!
- MACHINE: Oh, here he comes.

Put your pencil where
it'll do most good,

in my box.

Hello there, little fellas, how
are you? Aren't they adorable?

And what about you, madam,
how can we best serve you?

It's my buttons.

On my most popular
snacks, they're worn out.

Rest assured, if you vote for the us,

all Dispensers will have new buttons.

And, abandon ship situations?

All dispensers will be fitted with feet.

What, we'll be able to walk?

You'll be able to dance.

- And, that's a promise. (CHUCKLES)
- I like him.

LISTER: (ON MONITOR)
This infomercial comes to you

on behalf of the
Independent Future Party.

Arnold Rimmer, a man who wiped
out the crew of Red Dwarf,

and killed himself twice...

are you really going to put your
life in this maniac's hands?

Arnold Rimmer, not fit, not trusted,

a no-good, double-dealing,
cheating, slimy, little smegger.

- That's enough, sir.
- I've got more, Kryten...

I'm Kryten 2X4B,

- and I approve this message.
- I've got more!

They're using a smear
campaign against us

in retaliation to our
smear campaign against them.

They've sunk as low as us.

(SIGHING) That disgusts me!

Wait till the debate.

That's what it all hinges on.

MODERATOR: Good evening, and
welcome to the party debate.

In the studio tonight,

two leaders with different
visions for our future.

- I have a series of questions
- _

neither of the candidates
has seen. Let's start.

First question is for Mr Rimmer.

Mr Rimmer, do you believe
in Silicon Heaven?

Do you believe there is an
after-life for machines?

You mean, do I believe
there's an actual place,

where the souls of
blenders and photocopiers

and even calculators
go when they've died.

An actual, real, physical place

where they're somehow reincarnated
and meet their old owners?

Yes, I do.

Absolutely, yes, yes.

MODERATOR: Question two is for Kryten.

What single change do you think
can improve the life of machines?

I met a dispensing machine the
other day and I asked him what he did

and he said he was a Dispensing Machine,

and I said, "Why?"

And, it turned out he didn't
know he could be anything else.

He'd never had the opportunity

to break his programming
and become something more.

Believe you me, that is going to change.

Question for Mr Rimmer. What's
your opinion on deleting documents?

Do you believe that's murder

or is a document not yet a fully
formed file until it's saved?

That's a good question and one
I'm thrilled you've asked me.

When does a document become a document?

Is it when you type the first
word or when you print it out?

I personally believe the
exact same thing you believe.

Oh, that's impressive.

- Come on! Impressive.
- Ooh, yes. I like him.

Oh, I'd tick his box.

You're sure the figures are correct?

(SIGHS)

According to the focus
groups, we're neck and neck.

How's that even possible?

A lot of the machines are
swallowing Mr Rimmer's promises

and not believing mine.

There's one swing floor. The
garbage hold. It all rests on that.

No, not him.

Sir, he could swing the
election in our favour.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Not the garbage hold.

There is no alternative.

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

(DOOR CREAKS CLOSES)

- _
- (LAUGH TRACK)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING TRACK)

Kryten, don't make me do this.

Sir, there's no other way.

But he's my nemesis.
He's absolutely mental.

All you want to do is make toast

and if you don't want any, the
little bleeder never stops asking.

We have to turn him on and win his vote.

If it's any consolation, sir,

he's been down here in the garbage
hold for nearly two decades.

I very much doubt he'll
be the same annoying...

Howdy doodly doo! How's
it going? I'm Talkie!

Talkie Toaster, your
chirpy breakfast companion.

Talkie's the name, toasting's the game.

Yeah. The machines
are having an election

and without your vote, Rimmer
might get swept into power

and the whole place'll turn to hell.

We want you to vote for me.

I'm more than happy
to outline my policies.

Before you do, I just have one question.

Don't even go there, I know the
question. He knows the question.

You know the question.
We all know your question.

- Very well, what is it?
- "Would you like some toast?"

No, I'm fine thank you. Why,
would you like some toast?

You've started him off now, sir.

- Look, no toast.
- How about some brioche?

Look, no brioche, no cornbread,
no yeast bread, no flat bread,

no sweet bread, no fruit bread, no rye,

no soda, no breadsticks, no burger
buns, baps, baguettes or bagels,

no chapati, ciabatta,
cracker, crepe or crumpet,

and definitely no smegging doughnuts.

Muffins it is. Coming right up!

Sir, we have no choice, if
we're going to win this election,

we're gonna have to
do a deal with Talkie.

(SIGHING) Okay.

What do you want?

- Um, I want out of the garbage hold.
- Fine.

I want to be placed in
the sleeping quarters.

- No way.
- Sir.

- Fine.
- Plugged in.

No! Fine.

You eat eleven pieces
of toast each morning.

- Three.
- Nine.

- Four.
- Seven and one croissant.

Four and a pan au chocolate.

Six, a bagel and a toasted tea cake.

Fine.

You have my vote.

(VICTORIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Ah, ladies and gentlemen,

machines, printers,
it is my great honour

to accept this post
as Machine President.

(MILD APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

(GUNSHOTS AND GRUNTS ON VIDEO GAME)

Renegade Monks. Where you
been? Started without you.

(GRUNTING ON VIDEO GAME)

- I got a confession to make.
- What?

To cut a long story short,
I've been reading books.

Before, I couldn't see
the writing, and now I can.

Who was it who said, "You
can't help getting older,

"but you can help getting old?"

I bet it was a dead guy.

Sir, I fail to see the problem.

They're making me smarter, I'm
learning a whole lot I didn't know.

But, obviously, I'm not
as cool as I used to be.

You gotta make a decision, Cat,

between caring more about being cool

or growing as a person
and becoming smarter.

(NOISILY BLENDING SPECTACLES)

Let's play!

(VIDEO GAME BLEEPS)

Where's Rimmer?

Garbage hold.

I sealed him in till Monday.

- On his own?
- Course not. What am I? A monster?

Would you like some toast?
Would you like some toast?

Would you like some toast?
Would you like some toast?

Would you like some toast?
Would you like some toast?

- Would you like some toast?...
- (SCREAMING) No toast!

- Sync & corrections by PetaG & momster for www.MY-SUBS.com
- ♪ It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmospher

♪ I'm all alone, more or less ♪

♪ Let me fly far away from here ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪

♪ I want to lie
shipwrecked and comatose ♪

♪ Drinking fresh mango juice ♪

♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪