Original subtitles

[SHIP HORN BLOWING IN DISTANCE]

[COUGHS]

Oh, Finn, you gave me a fright.

I was afraid it was Uncle Toby, and I hadn't got his supper ready.

I'll get the supper, Derval, while you milk the cow.

What cow?

This cow.

Whose cow is it? Granny's.

It's Granny! She has a house in Ireland.

Remember the house? It had a funny roof.

Like this?

[GASPS]

Can I touch it?

It's yours. I made it in woodwork class.

I copied it from that old postcard what Granny sent. Remember?

[]

The door works. Look inside.

Furniture. Turn the house around.

There's a huge bed. That's Granny's.

It must be wonderful to live in Ireland.

Ireland, Ireland. Always going on about Ireland. What about my supper?

You're home early, Uncle Toby. I come home when it suits me.

Derval, I don't permit your things underfoot. I like things tidy.

So put this rubbish in the fire, please.

It's not rubbish, it's a model of Granny's house.

"Granny's house."

In the fire, Derval.

Derval, I'm talking to you. Answer me!

She can't speak when she's upset. You know that.

Then don't talk, girl. Just put this in the fire.

I'll do it.

Derval can do it. You've got supper to get.

[]

Get it all! I like a tidy house.

[SOBBING]

And you can stop that, or I'll belt you one! Did you hear me?

Leave her alone! You've a lot to learn, boy.

Just don't touch Derval.

There's reform schools for bad ones like you.

What do you think, Derval? Shall I put your brother in a reform school?

[SOBBING]

[]

It's Mary O'Flaherty! What you be having, Mary?

I'll be having justice! Where's Judge Liffy?

He's above. I'll see him there, then.

The court's in session, Mary, you can't be interrupting His Honour.

Can't I, now?

MAN: Lord save us...

I am the last man to catch a fish out of season, Your Honour. Poaching is unlawful.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

LIFFY: The salmon was found in your creel, Danny.

The founding I will admit, Your Honour, but the catching was none of my doing.

Explain that.

I found the poor fish, Your Honour, lying on the bank of the stream.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

As God is my judge!

Well, for the time being, this judge passes sentence.

Ten days with costs.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Order!

Next case!

Never mind the next case, Brendan! I have here a letter of importance.

I'll talk with you after court, Mary O'Flaherty.

So I have to wait and listen to the long lies of poachers and after-hour drinkers?

And all the while, my small grandchildren...

You're interrupting the business of the court, Mrs. O'Flaherty.

We don't mind interruption, Your Honour. Do we, boys?

CROWD: No!

If the court had done its business properly in the first place,

my grandchildren would be here safe with me now.

It was an English court granted custody to their stepfather, making him their legal guardian.

Then what's he done with them?

It says right here in the letter, "My grandchildren are missing in England..."

MAN: Missing in England? Read the letter.

Let me see, let me see. Mm-hm.

[MUTTERING]

"We are attempting to locate one Finn Dove, male, 13, and one Derval Dove, female, 7."

I don't need the letter read to me. What I need is the legality, the legal gist, you might say.

"The issues of the late Terence Dove and his wife Maureen O'Flaherty Dove..."

My daughter, God rest her soul. She had the O'Flaherty kidneys.

"It is known that Mrs. Dove remarried one Tobias Cromwell."

CROWD: Cromwell?

Order!

"Any information you might give regarding Mr. Cromwell or Finn and Derval Dove would be appreciated.

The children are the principal beneficiaries to a trust from their grandfather Dove

amounting to the annual sum of $10,000 each."

[CROWD WHISTLES AND CHATTERS, GAVEL BANGS]

"If the children are not found or are deceased..."

Heaven forbid!

"...the estate will pass to their uncle, John Cyril Dove, better known as Hawk Dove."

COMPERE: Ladies and gentlemen, for our final act,

we present that master of disguise, Mr. Impossible, Hawk Dove.

[AUDIENCE CHATTERING]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Dr. Jekyll.

I will now conduct a little experiment.

People of nervous disposition are advised to leave now, while there's still time!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHATTERING]

Sodium carbonate.

Carbon tetrachloride.

Sodium tetrachloride.

Sodium carbon.

Carbon... sodium... carbonate.

[HICCOUGHS]

Pardon.

[GROWLING]

[YELLING]

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHATTERING]

Where was I? Who am I? Oh, yes! My name is Dr. Jekyll!

[GROWLS]

[IN LOW VOICE] My name is Mr. Hyde.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You only see one body,

[IN LOW VOICE] But it's both of us inside.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Both of us inside.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[YELLING] It's both of us inside!

Why doesn't somebody listen?

[CROWD SCREAMING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Well, that's it! I've had enough of your tantrums.

They wouldn't even listen. Didn't give me a chance. What do they want, blood?

I know what I want. I want you out of here as fast as you can pack!

That was a filthy thing to do on anyone. I said, I wanted you out...

Nobody does that to Hawk Dove! Nobody!

If you are not out in 5 minutes, I shall call the police!

I go when I get my money.

After I've deducted for breakages, there'll be no money, Mr. Impossible!

You!

My God, you're choking me.

"The children are the principal beneficiaries to a trust..."

"Annual sum of $10,000 each."

It's mine! It should've come to...

me.

"If the children are not found or are deceased,

the estate will pass to..."

Among your patrons, do you number a certain Tobias Cromwell?

Draw one for Cromwell. There you are, sir.

Thank you.

You are Tobias Cromwell? I might be. Why?

You have a boy named Finn and a girl named Derval?

I'm their stepfather. Are you from child welfare?

No, Mr. Cromwell. My name is Maxwell Purdon.

Well, I don't need a solicitor. You will, Mr. Cromwell, you will.

To help you count the money. What money?

If they catch us running away, will they send you to reform school?

Nobody's gonna separate us, Derval.

There's no more room. Well, wear as many things as you can.

Did you get the money from your bank?

Yes.

Running away is fun.

My teddy bear!

Derval, we have to pack all the food we can.

Can't I take anything useful?

How about that?

DERVAL: Are we really going to Granny's?

Yes. We just want the page with the map of Ireland on it.

Who takes care of the money, then, till they come of age?

You do, Mr. Cromwell. You are their legal guardian.

Oh, yes. But I always think of them as my own children.

Of course, Mr. Cromwell, of course.

CROMWELL: Oh, they've left the light on, little rascals.

Duck!

I'm afraid I must insist on seeing them.

By the terms of the will, if the children cannot be found, the money passes to their uncle.

Hawk Dove? That is his stage name.

Amusing contradiction in terms, "hawk," "dove."

Well, he has this hawk, you see, tattooed on his wrist. He calls himself Mr. Impossible.

Does himself up in all kinds of disguises.

How very original.

A terrible actor.

Indeed?

I understand he has considerable talent, actually.

Terrible temper. He almost killed a man once.

Yes. The children, Mr. Cromwell? I'll go and fetch them.

It's Uncle Toby! Wake up, Finn. Wake up, Derval.

Ah, they played too hard, the darlings.

[MENACINGLY] It's Uncle Toby, children!

They've gone! They're not there!

Where could they have gone to? Hey, what's that?

Geography book. With a page torn out.

Page 13...

Ireland.

Ireland.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

Are we going back to Uncle Toby's? No, we're getting on the boat.

Kidnapped? By their Irish grandmother.

She'd do anything, you know, to get her hands on...

Get her hands on what? On the, uh, children.

Children, inspector, the children.

The old lady, it appears, cannot accept the fact that Mr. Cromwell was appointed their guardian.

Never mention money. It confuses the police mind.

What do you expect the police to do, Mr. Cromwell?

Find my children, of course, inspector.

But they're not lost. You said their grandmother had taken them to Ireland.

She had no right. I love those kids.

I give them a good home. They're happy with me. And I want them back!

I'm sure you do, but it's not a police matter. What you need is a solicitor.

I am his solicitor. I can have the children declared wards of the court.

INSPECTOR: Well, in that case, soon as an Irish court issues a warrant, their police can recover the children.

I'll notify the Irish Gardai. The Irish police?

Do you think they can find my children? They're very efficient, Mr. Cromwell.

Oh, I'd feel safer if they was in English hands.

I'd send a man over to cooperate if I weren't so short-handed.

We've two men on sick leave and my top inspector going on holiday.

CROMWELL: Are these children to be left to their fate because some cop's up on holiday?

Inspector, my children must be found.

Mr. Purdon? I shall fly to Dublin myself.

Splendid idea. I shall await your instructions here, Mr. Cromwell.

Um, I shall arrange a court order for both England and Ireland.

Goodbye. I shall worry about your children.

[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]

FINN: Come on.

[BRAKES SQUEAKING]

MAN [OVER PA]: Passengers for the Dublin boat, queue to your left:

We will be boarding immediately:

Harold, you take your brother's hand. Now, children, will you all please try and stay together? Come on.

Never mind the children, have we got all the bags? There's a strong lad.

Now, move along, there. Come along, lad.

MAN: All up the line, please!

You won't get there any quicker, lad.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

Oh, Maisy, I told you I've got the ticket. Now, stop fussing!

Is your bag heavy? It has my hand broke.

Well, it's got two handles. We can both carry it.

Where's your own bag?

Is that all? You're lucky.

Are you going to Ireland on holiday? That's right.

We go there every year. And every year, the bags get heavier.

MAN: Step forward, please! Have your tickets ready!

Thank you very much. Tickets, please. Hello.

Hello, then. Hi, Peter. Every time you come over, you've more and more children!

Somebody has to make up for bachelors like you!

How many? Don't you know how to count?

Peter, the baby's tired. I could've sworn there were more.

Hurry up! All right, all right, move along.

Have a nice trip, Peter. Bye-bye. Tickets, please. Thank you.

[]

Why do they have such funny signs?

They spell things in Gaelic and English both.

What's Gaelic?

That's Irish. What's Irish?

Gaelic. Oh, it doesn't make sense.

Come on, Derval.

Hold it!

No marks on your bags. Where's your people?

Parents are back there? Well...

Are you carrying any smuggled goods?

Well, I suppose you haven't broken any law. All right, be off!

You've arrived on the proper day. Oh?

It's St. Patrick's Day. Welcome to Ireland.

Mr. Cromwell to speak to you. Mr. Cromwell?

Yes.

Detective Inspector Rourke, Irish Gardai.

Oh, the police? Well, have you found my children yet?

Oh, we've just got started, Mr. Cromwell, but we should settle the case fairly quickly.

You in charge of this case, then? Which case?

The missing kids. I could be. Who are you?

I could be Detective Chief Inspector Walcott, Liverpool Crime Squad.

Oh, did the chief inspector send you? I'm here on holiday.

He requested me to offer my services in case you might want help.

That'd be very generous of you, but I think I'll be able to handle the case myself.

Let him help, inspector. Oh, it is extremely fortunate having you here, sir.

It's up to you, Rourke. Frankly, I'd just as soon get on with my fishing.

Well, I'd hate to interfere with that. After all, it's just a routine chase.

Routine? Listen, lad!

If those were your two kids out there, maybe hungry, maybe cold,

maybe suffocating in some bog or kidnapped by some psychopath, and you don't know they're not,

would you still think it was routine? You're damn right you wouldn't.

Mr. Cromwell, we'd like a few remarks for our viewers.

Do you still accuse Mary O'Flaherty of kidnapping the children?

I do.

Is that what the English police think too?

All I'm interested in, gentlemen, is finding my children.

Well, how can we find Mary O'Flaherty? She lives in County Galway.

They're must be dozens of Mary O'Flahertys in County Galway!

Only one kidnapped my children.

Why would the kids' own granny take the kids? Didn't she like the way you raised them?

I resent that, sir! I gave Finn and Derval a wonderful home.

Then what are we doing here? Get organised! Cover the main roads, bus stations, rail terminals.

Come on! Where's your headquarters? What are you waiting for now?

REPORTER: Mr. Cromwell, I see you have a prepared statement. Would you like to read it for our audience?

"I am the broken-hearted stepfather

and legal guardian of Finn and Derval Dove.

In order to obtain any information that might lead

to the children being found or the kidnappers punished,

I am offering a reward of ?00."

The first Cromwell slaughtered the Irish. This one'll talk them to death.

"And I would lik e your viewers to know I wish that was ?0, 000,

for that is what Finn and Derval mean to me:"

?0,000! It's their $10,000 he's after!

ALL: Aye.

Let Cromwell show his face here, and I'll give him his reward.

Only a Cromwell could kidnap an innocent Irish child.

For the love of God, Paddy! It's not Cromwell that's kidnapped them, he says, it's myself!

And who has a better right to kidnap her own grandchildren than their grandmother?

But I didn't do it! Ah, that's the telly for you.

Fearful lot of liars, all of them! You ought to sue them, Mary.

It's not a lawsuit I'm after. I want my grandchildren.

And I've a few things to say to the people on the telly concerning themselves

and the lies of Tobias Cromwell

and the insinuation that I am not the only

Mary Magdalene St. Bridget O'Flaherty in County Galway!

DERVAL: I'm hungry.

FINN: We're runaways. Runaways have to put up with a lot of things they don't like. And gotta be brave.

[]

Will you hurry along there? We're closing down for Patrick's Day parade.

How much are the pork pies? 10 pence each.

We haven't got enough.

SELLER: Ah, there you are. One.

Come back here! Come back, I tell you!

Come back here! God, mister, you couldn't take your eye off them! Come back here, I tell you!

Finn Dove, you stole!

Never mind. We'll send the money when we get to Granny's.

MAN [ON TV]: Occasional showers spreading from the south-west during the next 48 hours:

Police are on the look out for two children, Finn and Derval Dove,

aged 13 and 7, missing from home since last night:

The Dove children's legal guardian, Mr: Tobias Cromwell, has requested

that anyone knowing the whereabouts of these children should contact their nearest Garda station:

Mr: Cromwell has offered a reward of ?00 for information leading to their recovery:

The boy, Finn, has reddish ginger hair,

and his sister, Derval, has long blond hair: When last seen, they: : :

GARDA: Excuse me, did you see a couple of kiddies come in here?

- In the vicinity of the boat-train station, Liverpool:

There are allegations of kidnapping, but so far, no evidence: : :

MAN: Is that them?

Hey there!

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

[BELL RINGS]

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[DOG WHIMPERING]

He's eating my stolen pies! You thief!

[CRASHING]

[SINGING]

[SINGING ENDS]

[SPEAKING IN HEBREW]

Good day to you, Rabbi.

Put your hat on, Garda. This is a house of worship.

Excuse me, Rabbi, but I'm looking for a couple of kiddies.

Oh, well, we've plenty of those, you know.

Not your kiddies, Rabbi. These are a couple of missing children.

I just saw them come in a moment ago. I'm sure I did.

Missing children?

Well, if there are any missing children here, you're more than welcome to interrogate them...

as they are passing outside.

[RABBI SIGHS AND TUTS]

Come on, sit down. Sit down.

Come on, sweetheart. Come on.

Now, tell me...

what crime have you committed with all the police after you?

Well, we were hungry, so I stole some pork pies.

Pork!

Hunger is not a crime. Nor should it be the cause of it.

[SIGHS AND TUTS]

This requires a Solomon-like decision.

[CHATTERING]

Now, the next time you're hungry, try the chicken!

That was a nice priest.

He wasn't a priest, he was a rabbi.

Anyway, it was a nice church.

It wasn't a church, it was a synagogue.

What's a "synamagob"? Oh. Kind of a church.

There you go talking garlic again. Look!

[CHEERING]

It's a great day for the Irish. I'm not Irish.

You don't have to be Irish to be Irish.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

[ALL SINGING "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE IRISH TO BE IRISH"]

DERVAL: What are we going to do now? FINN: We gotta get out of Dublin.

DERVAL: Finn? I left my coat in the synamagob.

I hope I don't lose any more clothes. FINN: Mm.

Whoa! Do you want a ride?

Yes, sir! We've been walking for hours.

Hop on. DERVAL: Thank you very, very much.

FINN: Up you go.

By accent, I'd say you were English. That's right.

You're lucky I happened along. It's not what you might cal a well-travelled road.

Been to Dublin, have you?

We passed through. Are you from Dublin?

I am and I amn't. My bits of business takes me in and out.

Right now, I'm on the way to Laraford. Is that near County Galway?

Oh, going west to Galway, is it? No, Kildare. She gets mixed up.

Shh! Uh?

You have people there? Kildare, that is.

Yeah, we got a lot of cousins there.

Why didn't you ring your relatives?

Uh, my Aunt Mabel doesn't have a telephone.

Maybe she's waiting for you at the station.

Oh, no. She... She didn't make a definite date. She just said to phone when we get there.

And there's no phone, you said?

No, the people next door do.

Ah. Why didn't you ring them? I lost the number.

How did the English ever think they'd beat the Irish?

[SNORING]

10 hours, and all I've heard is Irish blarney! Don't you people ever move?

We can move fast enough when we're ready, Mr. Walcott. There's no point in chasing wild geese.

Whoa. That was a thirsty drive.

You sit here. I'll go and have a pint of Guinness. And I'll bring you a lemonade each.

The weather's about to change. How can you tell, Mr. Mickser?

Ah, it's my tattoo. It always itches when the weather's about to change.

[WHISPERS LOUDLY] Tattoo?

You sit here, and I'll show you my tattoo when I come back.

[]

It's Uncle Hawk! Come on, Derval, run!

DERVAL: Finn, I left my sweater in Mickser's cart.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello? Hello. Is that the Gardai?

Yes, well, it's about the reward for the missing children.

What missing children?

Sure, it was on the telly in Dublin this morning.

And it's in the newspapers. The Laraford Arms? Right.

Hold on to them till I get there.

What's the matter? I've hurt my ankle.

Come on!

Finn, you're stealing again! We're only borrowing it. Get on.

FINN: Hurry up. Okay? DERVAL: Yes.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Rourke. Yes?

Very good.

Uh-huh.

Good. Right, I'll deal with it. Thank you.

Well?

Our best lead yet. That was the constable of Laraford.

The kids have been spotted.

Where's Laraford? Laraford's on the way to Galway.

Now, to get to Galway, the kids have got to have to cross the Shannon at Athlone or Shannon Bridge.

What are you doing now?

I'm going to order Athlone to cover the Shannon Bridge.

Why not cover both? My men will get them.

I see. And you'll sit here in Dublin?

Let the kids go across the Shannon while some bog-trotting copper dozes in the sun?

We've got them cornered now. Why don't you get on with your holiday, Walcott.

Nothing would give me greater pleasure, as long as the kids are safe.

The man said he had the kids. The man? What man?

The man who phoned the constable at Laraford to claim the reward.

Did the constable give a description of the man?

What man?

The man with the kids! They could be in great danger!

Well, as soon as I phone Athlone, I'll be driving out there myself. I'll be glad to give you a lift, inspector.

Great idea. How did it occur to you? Come on, roundhead, wake up!

Found the kidnapper yet?

FINN: Here's a good place. DERVAL: It's a bit scary.

It's all right, Derval. It's an old church or something.

DERVAL: It's a graveyard. FINN: We've gotta sleep somewhere.

DERVAL: Not forever.

FINN: Here's a kind of a cave, under this rock. It's dry, we can sleep here.

FINN: Lie down and use this for a pillow.

Finn? If Uncle Hawk was Mummy's brother, why didn't she like him?

Because he had a tattoo? No, he was our father's half-brother.

Nobody liked him.

Finn? What's a half-brother? Derval! Go to sleep!

MAN: Open the grave.

MAN: Open the grave, I said!

[GRUNTING]

Well, I thought you'd never come.

There's plenty of them down here, but you'd better hurry.

Hey, now, that's the way to raise the spirits! Ha-ha!

MAN 2: Will you shut up, Mulligan? You're waking even the dead ones!

[GASPS]

MAN: You know why they build fences around graveyards, don't you?

MULLIGAN: Because people are dying to get in!

[MEN LAUGHING]

Hurry it up, fellas! You've a long drive to Galway.

FINN [IN HUSHED VOICE]: The van's going to Galway.

Come on.

[MAN SINGING, LAUGHING]

MULLIGAN: All right, that's the lot. Well, now, there's the little question of hard cash.

MICKSER: Well, it better be better than the last stuff. You know, there's poitin and there's poitin.

MULLIGAN: Mine is the best in Ireland, Mickser, you know that.

Mickser? Uncle Hawk.

MICKSER: Hello.

I can get a couple of pounds for that.

Aye, it might come in handy if that old van of yours breaks down, Mickser.

[MEN LAUGHING]

MICKSER: Aye, and there's times you might make more...

smuggling kids.

MICKSER: Night, boys! MAN: Safe journey.

Don't drink it all yourself!

[MEN YELLING]

[VAN BACKFIRES]

What have I done now, Garda? You will drive me to Athlone.

My van's a slow poke. Faster than walking!

I think it's a policeman.

It's a right state of affairs when a Garda should be having to hitch a ride.

They could've furnished you with a bike at least.

They did.

It was stolen yesterday from my own front gate.

Aye. There's more than that going on.

Them English kids that's missing, they were seen in Laraford last night.

Wh...? What kids?

A boy, 12, ginger hair, and a fair-haired girl that's 7 in a scarlet sweater.

There's a reward of ?00. I'll be claiming that.

That ?00 is mine. It was me made the phone call.

It'll be my information that led to their capture. That reward'll be mine.

Well, suppose the children turn up someplace other than Laraford? Athlone, for instance?

Highly unlikely.

Oh, now, it's hard to know these things. We'll see.

[VAN BACKFIRES]

ROURKE: I want you to be alert, men. Examine every car. And don't be afraid to ask questions.

Sergeant? Yes, sir.

There's a man on every bridge across the Shannon, is there?

Excuse me, sir, but aren't you overdoing it a little?

How do you mean? It's not exactly The Great Train Robbery:

[VAN BACKFIRES]

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

I claim the ?00 reward. 'Twas me reported the lost kids!

He can't do that, sergeant, that reward is mine.

Here, calm down, the both of you. If you've got a hand in this, Mickser, then there's something fishy.

You know this man, sergeant? Don't I, sir?

Smuggler, liar and no good.

I wouldn't trust the word of Mickser if he said that he had the kids in the back of his van.

Suppose you tell us where they are, Mickser.

It's a pleasure to talk to a man in authority such as yourself, sir.

Go to the top if you want anything done.

We want the children.

Well, now, there's a little matter of some money...

Where are those kids? If you lie, you will be charged with kidnapping, perjury and obstructing a police officer!

Kidnapping! Take it easy, Walcott.

I know how to handle his kind!

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

I'm in charge of this case still.

If I knew where they were, I'd tell them to hide!

And let's see what you've got in here, shall we, Mickser?

And just in case we find any poitin in there, we'll be giving you a reward, sure enough!

Hello!

What's this?

It's my bike.

I meant to tell you about that, but it slipped my mind. I found it lying alongside the road.

Ah-ha! The missing kids.

ROURKE: No, the missing boy has red hair, the girl's fair.

SERGEANT: These are two boys.

MICKSER: A couple of tinker kids, stealing rides like ticks on a sheepdog.

I warned you to keep away from my van. Now, be off with you! Go on! Make tracks!

Oi! What's all the delay?

ROURKE: We thought for a moment we'd just found the children, Mr. Cromwell.

Tinker kids!

Mr. Cromwell!

[]

You lying scoundrel! You knew all along.

Ah, it was worth it to see them kids give you the slip.

There they go! Where?

Round the corner.

[MOOING]

HAWK: Get those silly moos out of the way, you great Irish cowboy!

[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]

[]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[MATERIAL TEARING]

[LAUGHING]

Let me down!

FINN & DERVAL: Ha-ha! HAWK: Oh, you tinker, you!

You wait till I get hold of you! Come back! I won't hurt you!

Let me down, now, will you?!

[TEARING]

[PIGS SQUEALING]

Shh! Shh!

[WHISPERING] Derval, shut those pigs up.

[PIGS SQUEALING]

MAN: Hey! Wait for me!

Excuse me.

[KIDS SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]

Oi! You should've had them.

Where's Walcott? Here he comes now.

You just had us down that side street. Why'd you go off in the opposite direction?

To cut them off, of course, in case they double back.

Well, they couldn't double back. That street goes in another direction.

How should I know that?

Anyway, you've got them covered now, so it's just routine isn't it? I can leave the rest to you, can't I?

Oh, no. No. Mr. Walcott!

I'm going fishing. Good luck, Rourke.

Well, what are we going to do now?

You're familiar with this case. I want you assigned to it exclusively. Speak to your superiors about it.

Let me have your name and number.

It's Pat Flynn, 864, sir.

Inspector Rourke here.

I want you to run a check on Chief Inspector Walcott, Liverpool Crime Squad.

Description, whereabouts, everything.

This'll do very nicely, thanks.

[]

Those pigs were pigs. They drank all that milk.

We'll find something to eat.

Here, how do you like me as a blond?

I didn't mind you cutting my hair, but that stove polish smelt awful.

Could we claim the reward money, Finn? But what sense would that make?

If we had ?00, we wouldn't have to be hungry.

Derval, I told you, you've got to be brave.

I am brave, but my stomach's not.

I wish we could eat grass.

Well, we can't have a ride in a van, how about a ride on a donkey?

Steal him? Finn Dove!

No, borrow him. He'll find his way back when we turn him loose.

Come on. Don't be afraid. Up you go.

How do you like riding on a donkey? I like the van better.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Uh-oh.

Won't he think we're two boys? No, we fooled the police once, I'm afraid.

BO Y: You're a thief, that's what you are! Who's a thief?

BO Y 2: That's our donkey! FINN: Get off! Get off!

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[YELLING]

Stop it!

Doesn't take the whole gang of you to whip two kids!

They stole Mo. And why did you steal him?

We just found him on the road.

And you just found yourself on his back too, ey?

My little brother was tired, so we rode. To sell him at the next town.

We'd have left him in a field, the same way we found him.

And some farmer would get the police, and they'd put Mo in the pound.

And my father would have to pay to get him out!

Well, how would I know these things? We only borrowed him.

Liar! Aye, liar! Come on, there, kids!

Come on, Derval, run!

Holy Mother of God! What is it?

DA: Well, well, well. Who would believe it?

What's up, Da?

Didn't I just see pictures of the two of them on telly in town only this morning?

But who are they? A pair of English runaways.

Finn and Derval Dove.

FINN: Run, Derval! DA: Now, then, now, then.

Do I look like a man that'd hand you over to the police?

Would you? Ah, you do me wrong.

Now, I know you're trying to find your dear old granny in County Galway.

And that cop down there has his eyes on you.

But in the morning, you'll travel across Shannon Bridge just like one of us,

and none of the cops will know the difference.

Really, mister? As sure as my name's Powder Ryan.

Ah, Sheila, they look starved.

Take them over and give them some stew from the pot.

Are you hungry? [IN UNISON] Hungry?

No.

I am! Wait for me!

[SINGING GAELIC BALLAD]

What do the old Irish words mean, Sheila?

They're about the far-off place. We call it Tir na nog.

What place? Tir na nog.

It's a beautiful magic place of the young, where you long to be.

Like us going to Granny's?

Aye.

Or me going far across the sea.

Then you'll go, Sheila? No.

No one ever reaches the far-off place.

No tinker girl, anyways.

We'll get to Granny's.

If Tobias Cromwell says I kidnapped my grandchildren, he's a liar!

REPORTER [ON TV]: But Mr: Cromwell has a court order to recover the children:

When my grandchildren reach my house,

nobody is going to tak e them away from me, excepting over my dead body!

Can you hear me, Finn and Derval? Come to County Galway, and welcome!

REPORTER: Meanwhile, the whereabouts of the children are still unknown:

Foul play is suspected: The reward has been raised to ?00:

You know, as long as those kids are missing, that reward's gonna go up every day.

Aye. I shouldn't wonder.

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

TOUR GUIDE: Here at Shannon Bridge, we see a typical Irish country fair.

All domestic livestock are bought and sold or bartered.

There are games of chance as well.

Tinker children beg for coppers.

When the Sunday mass is over, some of the locals will leave the pubs for the next service.

While thirsty worshippers, refreshed in soul, often indulge in moister spirits.

Oh, boy, that was a long one. I'm going to the next mass.

DERVAL: Spare a copper, please. We're very hungry.

Please help us. We're very hungry. Spare a copper, please.

Thank you, sir. Thank you! God bless you.

Help us, please. We're very hungry. Smile.

There you are.

FINN: Derval!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Finn! Shh!

The police are looking for a 12-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl, not the other way round.

You look so funny. Derval, shame on you for begging.

I was only trying to help the tinkers. Look at all the money I've earned.

Derval, the tinkers have to beg. There isn't work for tinkers anymore. They don't beg, they don't eat.

Because we're not tinkers, it's not right to beg?

Well, it's not respectable.

But it's all right to eat with tinkers.

Derval, they've been very good to us. When we get to Granny's, we'll find some way to make things up.

Come on, let's find Sheila and give her that money back.

All of it? All of it.

WOMAN: Over here, dear. Gorgeous. Just smile, please!

Thank you very much. Just one more. Would you lift your head?

Gorgeous. Here's sixpence. No, thank you.

Oh, yes, you take it. What a clever child. Fab little face. This is the most beautiful place I've been in a long time.

?00.

That's better.

Excuse me, sir, have you seen Sheila? Why, Finn?

To say goodbye to her. You're going somewhere, Finn?

To our granny's in the west. You ain't going anywhere, Finn Dove.

Very interesting indeed.

Thank you.

I've just had some information that might interest you about your Inspector Walcott.

Hold on. Just a minute, sir. This call is from some man in Killeen's popping to Hyde Street.

He says he's got the Dove children with him there.

Don't hang up, we're on the way.

FINN: Let go my arm! Da, what are you doing?

Keep out. I've just made ?00. And I've rung the police.

Da, you wouldn't sell a couple of poor kids for money?

They can't be poor if they're worth ?00!

Look, I'm sorry. He's like this when he's on the drink.

Now all we have to do is wait. Please let us go! Please!

And lose ?00?

DA: Hey! Hey! Come back here! Get in!

Get in there! Get in there!

Come with me. Come with me.

Leave them alone! I saw you ill-treating those little things!

Ah, lady, you don't understand.

I do. Just because they're tinkers. They have as much right to Ireland as you!

Look, I'm taking care of them.

Leave them alone, or I shall send for the police!

I've already rung myself for the police.

To arrest two little tinkers? I'm not a tinker!

We're the Dove children, miss. You're the runaway children.

I'm Finn Dove, and this is my sister, Derval.

Oh, in disguise.

What a super story for my paper. Hold on. The reward money is mine.

We can tell you everything from when we ran away.

Until we get to Granny's.

You must get there, darling, you simply must. We all want you to win. If I had time, I'd take you myself.

Nobody's taking the kids anywhere! Oh, aren't I?

Run, you kids! Run! Quick, my car's just outside.

Thanks for everything, Sheila.

Would you help someone yourself, someday, that's in trouble?

I won't forget.

WOMAN [YELLING]: Run! Aye, run!

[DA SCREAMS IN PAIN]

[MUTTERING AND MOANING]

[SCREAMS IN PAIN]

[SCREAMING]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

Duck!

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

Stay here!

Powder Ryan? I was till a minute ago.

Well, where are the children? I was attacked, do you see?

They've been kidnapped. I told you!

It was a woman, wasn't it? A woman with two great big strapping brothers?

That's right. Three or four huge powerful terrible brothers, they were.

But I didn't rightly see. It was a woman, a young woman!

Sheila!

You saw it happen? To my shame, I did.

Which way did they go?

Now, Sheila...

You wouldn't want to fool us, now, would you, Sheila?

No, sir.

Look, Sheila, you like Finn and Derval, and they're in great danger.

Now, Sheila, can you tell us which way they went?

That way. In a car.

Did you see the number of the car? No. Just a green car.

You can get out now, kids, we're in the country.

Oh, I love Ireland!

Cool green fields, soft warm hearts of the people.

The land of O'Casey, Shaw, Yeats, Robbie Burns...

Gorgeous!

Miss Marblestone, you're the only grown-up who's been really kind to us.

Don't be silly, dear, I just want to get on the front page with your story.

Yes..."Flight of the Doves," by Heather Marblestone.

I bet you've had a lot of scoops. I'm the poetry editor, Finn.

I write "Quiet Corner" and the daily horoscope. I don't get scoops.

Now, tell me all about your trip, beginning with the escape.

You've let them slip through your clutches not once, but three times!

Oh, dearie, dearie me, what. I do wish Inspector Walcott had stayed on.

I've got news for you. I had a phone call.

Chief Inspector Walcott of the Liverpool police is on holiday in Rome.

He never has been to Ireland. The man we met is an impostor.

Hawk Dove. Who's he?

He's their uncle. He gets all the money if anything happens to the kids.

Money?

Perhaps you'd better tell us the whole story, Mr. Cromwell.

I liked best riding on the donkey. Oh, riding a donkey!

What a pity you didn't take photographs.

We didn't have a camera.

Never mind, darlings, I shall take hundreds of pictures of you on the road.

Oh, could we? Thousands.

This is fun, Miss Marblestone. Yes.

Look!

It's an old castle. It's gloomy.

MARBLESTONE: It's perfect.

He's an actor, you see. He specialises in make-up and disguises.

He could've impersonated Walcott. And Lord knows who else.

Look, find Finn and Derval,

and I'll make this reward ?000 to you personally.

If you'd told us from the beginning we might be dealing with a potential murderer...

Rourke here. Alert all mobile units in County Galway

to be on the lookout for an actor, Hawk Dove.

The tower.

FINN: Cor, it's spooky, isn't it?

It's scary.

Here, my dear, hold my hand, and you'll feel safe.

[]

Before that ruin, came for centuries rough men-at-arms,

cross-gartered to the knees.

It's all right, Derval. There's no need to be frightened. You're perfectly safe.

MARBLESTONE: AII, shod in iron, climbed the narrow stairs...

Let's go.

Wait till you see the view up here, Derval! Hurry!

MARBLESTONE: Set all your mind upon the steep ascent,

upon the broken, crumbling battlement.

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

I'd hate to have a break down now we're so close.

[STAMMERING]

Are you too scared to talk? It's all right, Derval, you're perfectly safe.

[DERVAL STAMMERS] F... Finn... Look!

The Gardai-inspector car was coming, so I ducked out of sight.

You are clever, Finn.

Yes...

This is exactly what I want.

We're safe and alone now.

Finn, Derval, stand near the edge.

White birds on the foam of the sea...

Come on, Derval, smile for the camera.

Let me just fix Derval's costume.

Ah!

It's Hawk!

I'm slipping! Help me!

[YELLING]

I hope he doesn't drown,

just catch a cold.

And stay in bed.

And have to take medicine. Come on.

Sergeant, I want as many men out as you can get together, and get everyone in the village you can to help too.

And sergeant, will you hurry, for the love of God? The childrens' lives are in danger.

Slainte:

Why are we running now? Uncle Hawk.

But we left Uncle Hawk in the ocean.

Listen, I wouldn't trust Uncle Hawk if I went to his funeral.

What about Uncle Toby?

I'm glad we don't have any more uncles. Come on, let's go.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

FINN: Here's a car. Duck!

[PANTING]

[DERVAL YELPS]

[DERVAL SOBBING]

Oh, Finn, you should never have brought me along.

You could have made it without me.

I'm sorry. I'm only a girl.

If I'd been a boy, we might've made it.

But I love you, Finn, even more than I love Granny.

And I didn't want to be left behind.

But now I'm sorry, because neither of us will ever reach...

Granny!

Finn, look, it's Granny's house!

We... We did it! Oh, Derval, we did it!

[IN UNISON] Granny! Granny!

Granny! Granny!

Granny! Granny!

[DOG BARKING]

[DOG GROWLS FEROCIOUSLY]

[DOG WHIMPERS]

[LAUGHING]

[GIGGLING]

SEAMUS: Finn! PADD Y: Derval!

FINN: It's Uncle Paddy! DERVAL: It's Uncle Seamus!

SEAMUS & PADD Y: Hello, kids. Hello, hello.

Come on, up! That's the girl.

SEAMUS: Come on! Yahoo!

DERVAL: Yahoo!

SEAMUS: Yahoo!

DERVAL: Yahoo!

ALL: Whoo! Yahoo!

[]

FINN: Granny! Derval!

Sweetheart! Oh! My darling!

You're not my grandchildren. You look like a couple of tinkers!

We were tinkers. What's that in your hair?

Stove polish.

What you both need is a good hot bath.

Are you really Granny?

This house and all we have belongs to you.

Oh, Granny.

[]

Don't get soft now, things aren't over yet.

Here come the police. Inside with you both.

SERGEANT: Squad, halt!

Right turn!

Mrs. O'Flaherty, those children are wards of the court. I'll have to take them away.

What children? Oh, for God's sake, Mrs. O'Flaherty,

didn't I just see them go into the house?

Did you see any children?

Let's go into the house, and we can settle this once and for all.

Certainly. Have you a warrant?

What would I be doing with a warrant?

Then put one of your big O'Casey toes across my threshold,

and I'll have you arrested, sergeant!

I can soon get a warrant.

Come back with a regiment of soldiers and all the police in the county!

Come back with a machine-gun and the hydrogen bomb! Do your worst, sergeant!

Nobody is going to take those children from the O'Flahertys.

SERGEANT: Squad, attention!

[SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]

SERGEANT: Squad, halt! Right turn!

What are all these men doing here?

Just having a bit of a rest before the day's work.

They don't look like that to me. Here's that warrant your sister demanded.

Hey, Mary, the sergeant wants you!

Well, now you look like you belong to myself.

If the sergeant comes in the front way,

Dermot Cochrane will come in the back door and take you to his house down the road.

And if they get a warrant for that house, we'll shift you to another.

There are enough houses in all Galway to keep changing into for over 100 years!

Are you there, Dermot? DERMOT: I'm here, on guard.

Here's the warrant! I'm serving it on you. You are now in contempt of court! I must enforce the law!

Who's stopping you? Who's stopping me?

Will you listen to the man who has suffered most over all this? Mr. Cromwell!

I thought St. Patrick had driven the snakes out of Ireland.

Mrs. O'Flaherty, I was your daughter's husband, and I cherished her.

And I cherished her children. Now, please, I want my children back, Mrs. O'Flaherty!

You never had any children, Tobias Cromwell.

There isn't a single drop of your blood flowing in the veins of Finn and Derval Dove!

That's enough, now! All right, get ready, men.

If we can't do it the peaceful way, we'll do it the hard way.

[]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Hello, sergeant. Trouble? We get trouble, we can take it.

You know Judge Liffy?

Sergeant, I want to lodge a complaint against this man.

I was fishing peacefully when he practically kidnapped me.

I'll charge him later. Bah!

My God, we're glad to see you, Your Honour.

[]

[DOG BARKING]

We better go with you now, Mr. Cochrane, because Uncle Toby's coming in the front way now.

[PANTOMIMING]

[DERVAL GIGGLES]

I'm only here in a private capacity, you understand, sort of in loco parentis,

since, in a way, I am the legal father.

Will you let us in so we can discuss the matter?

Yeah, please?

All right. Come in, come in.

You'll have to excuse the way the house is.

What are we doing here, Mr. Cochrane?

Granny said you were taking us to your house.

What have you got behind your back?

Well, now, I got a little surprise for you.

I love surprises.

Turn around and don't look till I tell you.

Cover your eyes, now.

[DOG BARKING]

It's Uncle Hawk! Run!

Not a sound.

Don't move!

Uncle Hawk, why do you wanna kill us?

I don't want to kill you! They're driving me to it. Them!

Always giving me the filthy half of the deal.

It's my money. Should've come to me.

$10,000 they're not going to cheat me this time.

I'm going to win just this once.

I got to win just this once, don't you understand?

Will you stop looking at me like that? I'm tired of being a loser!

You don't look a bad man, Uncle Hawk. You're not scary at all.

If it's the money you want, you can have it. We've got everything we want.

We can live here with Granny. We can have a donkey.

And a pony. And some little ducks.

And a big dog. Please don't kill us, Uncle Hawk.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

I knew there was some way I was going to lose this one.

[SICKLE CRASHES TO FLOOR]

I'm their legal guardian! And this is the court order granting me custody of the children.

Heaven forbid!

From whom did you obtain this court order?

From my solicitor, Mr. Purdon.

I am Purdon. That court order is a fake. I am not a solicitor.

Your grandchildren, Mrs. O'Flaherty.

CROMWELL: Hello!

ROURKE: Just who are you?

John Cyril Dove, theatrically known as Hawk Dove.

I'll find another solicitor. I'll get that court order.

Not when I testify your only interest in these kids is their money.

ROURKE: It's your own fault, Mr. Cromwell.

You never would have fooled me with that terrible performance.

[SPEAKING IN WALCOTT'S VOICE] Listen, lad. If they were your kids out there, maybe hungry, maybe cold,

would you still think it was routine?

Very clever.

But John Cyril Dove, I arrest you for impersonating an officer, for obstructing the police...

Arrest me? When I brought the kids back to their granny?

Why is it, every time I try to do something right, the cards are stacked against me?

I have been known to temper justice with mercy, Mr. Dove...

Ha! Mercy!

Mercy?

The quality of mercy is not strained.

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.

Take him to the next room, somebody. It is twice blessed. It blesses...

What are you doing? It blesses him that gives and him that takes...

[HAWK CONTINUES RANTING]

LIFFY: Thank you.

Holy St. Patrick! What was that all about?

The Merchant of Venice, Act 4, scene 1.

I don't haven't heard it done quite like that before.

Well, now, I think it's high time we had a word from the source of all this mischief.

Children, come here.

So you are Finn Dove? Yes, sir.

I suppose you think you've done a great deed by running away from home,

crossing the sea, making hares out of the police and triumphantly arriving your destination?

No, sir. What?

It wasn't much to do with me, sir. It's Derval.

She's very young, and look at the way she kept going.

I see. And if you return to your Uncle Toby, what would you do?

We would run away again the first chance we've got.

Why? Was your Uncle Toby cruel to you?

It's not that. It's love.

Children should have someone to love them. Girls like Derval.

See, I knew Granny would be crackers about her if I could get to her.

But I'm older, I can take care of myself. But it's Derval.

Uncle Toby didn't care for her,

and she has to have someone to love her.

And there was nobody.

In my job, Finn, we come up against a lot of sadness and injustice.

But that's what we're here for, to unravel such things.

Well, Mr. Cromwell? Were you unkind to the children?

Oh, never, never! No, no. No, no, no, no. Not at all, Your Honour.

I disciplined them, you know, from time to time, for their own good.

But I gave them everything. MARY: Everything!

Except love!

And let me give you some advice, which is all you'll be getting from me, Mr. Tobias Cromwell.

Order!

Upon my ground, you've brought the press and the people from the telly

and heaven knows what other riff-raff, trampling over my garden and frightening my chickens and my ducks

and my geese! Order in court!

This is not your court! This is my house, and you're a guest, Brendan Liffy...

Your Honour.

Good point. Continue.

If you was to tell them reporters that for the welfare of the children

you was willing to let them stay here, you might come out of this trouble as some sort of slimy hero!

LIFFY: What say you, Cromwell? You have left me no alternative.

I'll see to the legal details.

My teddy bear.

[BEAR SQUEAKS]

You have left me with nothing.

And you, Mary O'Flaherty, court or no court, the charges against you are very serious.

You have defied the courts and, with that mob out there, you have threatened to intimidate the law.

You have, in addition, taken the law into your own hands.

And at the present time, you are harbouring known fugitives.

If two young children are criminals, there's no justice in Ireland!

Justice may sometimes be blind, but sometimes it can perceive truth.

Finn Dove and Derval Dove,

do you promise never more to cause such a commotion and never to try to run away again?

Then, Finn and Derval Dove, it is my painful duty to remand you to the custody...

of Mary Magdalene St. Bridget O'Flaherty of County Galway, Ireland.

It's over!

It's over! You belong to me!

There's just one more thing, Your Honour.

Hm? Oh, yes. Bring Hawk Dove back in here.

Please don't send him to prison.

Couldn't he have the reward for finding us?

Oh, I don't think there'll be any serious charges.

Holy Mother of God!

He stole my uniform!

He took my bike!

[LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Tweet-tweet.

[RO Y BUDD'S "FAR OFF PLACE" PLAYS]