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1
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:10,093
- ♪ I live to survive
another heartache ♪
2
00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:13,972
♪ I live to survive
another mistake ♪
3
00:00:14,055 --> 00:00:16,850
- [sobs]
4
00:00:16,933 --> 00:00:19,436
- Look, I know it wasn't
the best Thanksgiving,
5
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,688
but Nico is going to be fine.
6
00:00:21,771 --> 00:00:24,691
- Yeah, he's my baby boy.
7
00:00:24,774 --> 00:00:26,109
- He's 21, Dad.
8
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:27,277
- Yeah, but he's sensitive.
9
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,863
He's not tough and brawny
like you.
10
00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:31,781
- Brawny?
- Look, don't worry about me
11
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:32,824
or this family.
12
00:00:32,907 --> 00:00:34,951
You go have fun, study hard,
13
00:00:35,034 --> 00:00:36,453
find a boyfriend--
14
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,288
be young.
15
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,707
- Okay. I love you.
16
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,375
Are you sure
you're good to drive?
17
00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:44,461
- I don't know, we'll see.
18
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,254
I think so.
19
00:00:46,337 --> 00:00:47,964
Goodbye, pumpkin.
20
00:00:48,047 --> 00:00:50,049
- ♪ Another mistake ♪
21
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:52,093
♪ Another heartache ♪
22
00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:53,303
- Here, hold your bag.
23
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:54,804
- I'm fine, Carol.
- All right.
24
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,639
- Oh, my God, Whitney, hi!
25
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,142
How was your Thanksgiving?
- Really good.
26
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:01,019
Wait, did you guys
drive here from Arizona?
27
00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:02,604
Isn't that a long trip?
28
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,939
- Yeah, it's 39 hours,
and it felt like a lot more.
29
00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:08,568
- Yup, it ended up costing
$1,500 in gas and hotels.
30
00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,862
And we got in a couple
really bad arguments.
31
00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,655
- Ah, wouldn't change a thing.
32
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:13,948
Hi!
- Hey.
33
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,575
- Oh, my goodness.
How's your family?
34
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,535
- Uh, good. We adopted a dog.
- Ooh.
35
00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:19,412
- My mom thought it would help
her approval ratings.
36
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:20,997
It did not.
She returned it.
37
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,791
- Oh.
- She is an amazing woman.
38
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:24,250
I always defend her
to my buddies.
39
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,794
- Dad!
- Well, honey,
40
00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:27,462
we should head out.
I gotta work in the morning.
41
00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:29,005
- In Arizona?
- Yeah.
42
00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:30,215
We're gonna try not to stop.
43
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:31,508
Bye, sweetie.
- Okay, bye.
44
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:32,842
- We love you.
- Drive safe.
45
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,427
Love you.
- I love you, pinochle.
46
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,054
- ♪ Watch me,
I'm back on my feet ♪
47
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:38,348
- After that long drive,
I just really wanna relax.
48
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:39,641
- Yeah.
49
00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:41,017
- Whitney!
Kimberly!
50
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,644
I missed you bitches.
Come here!
51
00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:43,686
- Hey.
- Hey, Bela.
52
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:44,646
- Uh, sorry,
53
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:45,939
where are your clothes?
54
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:47,690
- Oh!
Got in about 15 minutes ago,
55
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,692
got comfortable,
made myself some snacks.
56
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,110
My parents were, like,
obsessed with me
57
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:52,487
wearing clothes at home.
- Oh, totally.
58
00:01:52,570 --> 00:01:53,655
Would you mind
putting a towel down
59
00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:54,864
before you sit on the sofa?
60
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,033
- Why?
- Because of your butt.
61
00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:58,368
- Oh.
62
00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:00,328
- Leighton, hey!
- Welcome back!
63
00:02:00,411 --> 00:02:02,831
- Hey!
- Hi, all.
64
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:05,041
I have an announcement.
65
00:02:05,124 --> 00:02:06,209
Why are you in your underwear?
66
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:07,752
- For comfort.
67
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:10,588
- Okay, well,
Nico got expelled.
68
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:11,881
- What?
- Oh, my God.
69
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,383
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
70
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,093
When Kimberly turned
in the stolen test files,
71
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:17,720
the administration started
an investigation,
72
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,223
and a bunch of senior Thetas
got kicked out.
73
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,642
- The seniors?
But they were the hottest ones.
74
00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:24,102
- What's Nico gonna do?
75
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,937
- Well, thankfully,
my dad was able to make
76
00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:29,107
a big donation to Cornell and
got him a spot next semester.
77
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,901
And they got him an Audi
to try and cheer him up.
78
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,112
- Mm-kay, this story
is getting less sympathetic.
79
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:36,573
- I'm so sorry.
Your brother was gorgeous,
80
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,950
and I'm gonna miss seeing his
face and body around campus.
81
00:02:39,033 --> 00:02:40,535
- Thank you.
82
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,079
Are you wearing my underwear?
83
00:02:43,162 --> 00:02:45,498
- Just the bra--oh!
Bottoms too.
84
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:46,624
[laughs]
85
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,251
- ♪ We got one night only ♪
86
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,919
♪ Put your money
where your mouth is ♪
87
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,629
♪ And I'ma show you
how I bounce ♪
88
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:54,257
♪ If I burst, son,
I might hurt some ♪
89
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:55,925
- Kimberly.
- Yeah?
90
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,886
- Did you tell your parents
about losing your scholarship?
91
00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,637
- Oh, I couldn't find the right
time to mention it to them.
92
00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,764
- What do you mean? You were
in the car for 39 hours.
93
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,474
- Yeah, don't you need,
like, a lot of money?
94
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:06,603
- Oh, just $42,000 per year--
95
00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,479
$138,000 total.
96
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:10,773
- Seriously?
That's, like, four cars,
97
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,358
or, like,
five of Leighton's purses.
98
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,235
- Dude, I think you need
to tell your parents.
99
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,778
- I can't.
It would kill them.
100
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:17,280
I need to figure out
a solution on my own.
101
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:18,990
- [gasps]
Solution's right here.
102
00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:20,283
Ask one of these
two moneybags for it.
103
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,784
Their parents are loaded.
- Uh...
104
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,161
- I mean, don't look at me.
105
00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:24,829
Leighton's family's
way richer than mine is.
106
00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,789
We're politician rich.
107
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,791
- Well, most of my family's
wealth is tied up
108
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,419
in real estate and, um,
several racehorses.
109
00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:32,712
- Oh, you guys don't need
110
00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:34,464
to make your rich
families sound poor.
111
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,424
I would never ask
either of you for money.
112
00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:39,260
I got myself into this,
and I'll get myself out.
113
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,304
- Wait, I've got it.
If you need extra money,
114
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,639
you should sell feet pics
on the dark web.
115
00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:43,973
- [gasps]
That's certainly
116
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,767
an interesting idea.
- Kimberly, no.
117
00:03:45,850 --> 00:03:48,311
- Just go to the financial aid
office and apply for a loan.
118
00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:50,438
- No! My plan is better.
You've got long toes,
119
00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:51,564
and there's
a real market for that.
120
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:52,649
- Stop!
- Bela!
121
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:53,691
- What?
Don't shame me
122
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:54,943
for my good ideas.
123
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:55,985
- ♪ Whoo! ♪
124
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,487
[upbeat music]
125
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,323
- Guys, what are we always
saying this campus needs?
126
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:01,491
- Better Wi-Fi?
- A decent place
127
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:02,659
to get my eyebrows tinted?
128
00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:03,868
- A memorial to Native peoples.
129
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,328
- [scoffs] No.
130
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,830
An all-female comedy magazine.
131
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,123
both: Hm.
- I'm starting one
132
00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:10,166
with some friends.
133
00:04:10,249 --> 00:04:11,292
We're toppling the patriarchy
134
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,835
one top-ten list at a time.
135
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,796
- Are magazines, like,
a thing anymore?
136
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,756
- Well, ours would mostly be
an Instagram presence,
137
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:18,675
a sassy Twitter account,
and a website
138
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:20,176
that we haven't bought
the domain for yet.
139
00:04:20,259 --> 00:04:21,803
It's gonna be huge.
- That's so cool.
140
00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:23,554
- Yeah.
- Bela, I have to say,
141
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,014
so far, I support this.
142
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,349
- Yeah.
all: Ah!
143
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,810
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
144
00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:30,853
- Did somebody just hit me
with a milk carton?
145
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:32,730
- Oh, man.
You just got nailed.
146
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:34,148
- Yeah, that was so fucked up.
147
00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:35,858
- Yeah, I know.
- That must have been
148
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,026
really surprising.
149
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,861
- Um, yeah, it was.
150
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,114
- So even though
you didn't do anything wrong,
151
00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:42,740
something bad
still happened to you?
152
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,367
- Why are you talking
like that?
153
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,702
- Yeah, it sounds like
the beginning of a parable.
154
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:47,078
- 'Cause we're
in fucking Theta,
155
00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:49,330
and you guys got
our charter suspended.
156
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:50,540
- Wait, is that
what this is about,
157
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:51,874
the stupid test thing?
158
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,793
- Yeah, you narced on us,
you narcs.
159
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:55,545
- That stunt you pulled
fucked us.
160
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:56,921
We can't throw parties anymore.
161
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,424
- So you threw
a fucking milk at me?
162
00:04:59,507 --> 00:05:02,051
This sweater cost $800!
- What?
163
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,553
- You dickheads were
the ones cheating.
164
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:04,887
We were just
the whistleblowers.
165
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,264
- Yeah,
and I didn't even do it.
166
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:07,557
All right? It was her.
167
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,183
- I am kind of responsible
for that.
168
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,853
- I know. I meant to hit you,
but my aim was off.
169
00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:13,479
It doesn't matter.
From now on,
170
00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:16,065
none of you are ever
setting foot in Theta again.
171
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,777
- Uh!
He took my clementine.
172
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:23,072
[electronic music]
173
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,074
- I'm so sorry
that happened to you.
174
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,201
- Eh, I'm used to it.
My mom and I have gotten
175
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:29,120
blood thrown on us
outside multiple operas.
176
00:05:29,203 --> 00:05:32,165
- Guys, I can't believe we
can't party at Theta anymore.
177
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,541
- Who cares about Theta?
178
00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:35,251
They can't even
throw parties anymore.
179
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:38,129
We'll just find a new frat
to hang with.
180
00:05:38,212 --> 00:05:40,006
- Oh, my God.
181
00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:41,507
- What?
- Look.
182
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:45,887
- ♪ Drive all night
to find out ♪
183
00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:49,098
♪ What you can't see ♪
184
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:53,686
♪ Cities lighting up
the midnight sky ♪
185
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:57,273
- Girls, remember not
to congregate in the hallways.
186
00:05:57,356 --> 00:05:58,733
It is a fire hazard.
187
00:05:58,816 --> 00:06:01,402
These old buildings
are tinder boxes, so...
188
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:03,988
- Thanks, Frude.
- See you at the FAF meeting.
189
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:07,116
♪ ♪
190
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,160
Welcome back, my Fresh-Them.
191
00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:11,788
I hope you enjoyed
American Thanksgiving,
192
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,040
and I'm relieved
so few of you transferred.
193
00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:16,292
I do have exciting news.
194
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,586
We have a new
student joining us,
195
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:20,963
and he is climate refugee.
196
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,799
- [gasps]
Wow, I think it's great
197
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,717
that we're taking in
a displaced person.
198
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,552
- Yeah, are they
from a developing nation?
199
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,554
- No, he's from Kansas.
200
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,056
Ah, here he is now.
201
00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:32,809
Everyone,
please give a warm welcome
202
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:36,479
to our climate refugee,
Jackson.
203
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:37,480
- Hello.
- Wait,
204
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:38,815
you're the climate refugee?
205
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,024
You're white.
- Bela.
206
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,151
- What the hell?
- Sweetheart, um,
207
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,861
tell us what happened to you,
208
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:45,780
and if you're straight
and single.
209
00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:48,116
- [sighs] I really don't
know how else to say it.
210
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,993
My college dorm was blown away
by a Category 4 tornado.
211
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,161
[all gasp]
- Shit.
212
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,412
- Wow.
- Wait, what?
213
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,289
- That's terrible.
But Frude,
214
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:56,999
I think the term
"refugee" implies
215
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,584
more of an international
displacement.
216
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,212
- Uh, Kimberly,
do not offend my new friend.
217
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:02,588
He's been through enough.
218
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,590
I think climate change is real.
219
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,926
- Yeah, are you serious?
- I didn't say it wasn't.
220
00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,886
- And speaking
of climate change,
221
00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,514
tomorrow's forecast
calls for snow,
222
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:15,852
which brings with it Essex's
oldest non-racist tradition,
223
00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,562
The Annual Snow Run.
224
00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:19,188
[all cheer]
- Oh, my God!
225
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,190
Is that where we run
in the snow in our underwear?
226
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,692
- That is correct.
227
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,193
- Should we pregame
or wait till we get there?
228
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,778
- Oh, we should absolutely
pregame.
229
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,488
The booze in our dorm
is way better.
230
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:31,325
- Reminder, underage drinking
is illegal and not fun.
231
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:33,870
But what is fun
is our next juicy topic--
232
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,955
avoiding seasonal depression.
233
00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:37,123
[all groan]
234
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:40,168
♪ ♪
235
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:42,503
- Hey, Kimberly.
236
00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:46,966
Hey, did you buy me a column
of gay pride balloons?
237
00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:48,342
- Oh, my God. I did.
238
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:49,969
I'm so sorry.
239
00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:52,889
I assumed you told Whitney
and Bela over break,
240
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:56,100
but then you didn't,
and I couldn't cancel them.
241
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,393
Did anyone else see them?
242
00:07:57,476 --> 00:07:59,687
Have I outed you?
Am I bad ally?
243
00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:01,439
- No, you're fine.
244
00:08:01,522 --> 00:08:02,982
I'm just disturbed
that you think I am
245
00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,359
the kind of gay person
who would like that.
246
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:07,403
- Got it. When you come out
to Whitney and Bela,
247
00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:09,030
I'll get you a classier
balloon tower.
248
00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:11,574
- My ideal coming-out
does not involve balloons.
249
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,242
No balloons at all, please.
250
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,869
- Are you gonna tell
Bela and Whitney?
251
00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:18,789
- At some point, probably,
but not right now.
252
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,083
- Well, I'm here for you.
253
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,711
Okay, I gotta go
to the financial aid office
254
00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:24,921
to ask for a loan.
255
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,172
Wish me luck.
256
00:08:26,255 --> 00:08:28,257
- Wait,
wearing your Sips uniform?
257
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,092
- Yeah, I want them
to know I have a job.
258
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,510
It's pretty smart, right?
259
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,846
- Kimberly, banks only
give money to people
260
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:37,099
who look like
they already have money.
261
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,142
Let me help you.
262
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,894
- ♪ You're cold as ice ♪
263
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:41,938
["Ceci N'est Pas un Cliché"
by Charlotte Adigéry]
264
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:44,649
♪ I wanna make you
feel real nice ♪
265
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:46,275
♪ ♪
266
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,568
♪ I wanna make you feel ♪
267
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,195
- Kimberly Finkle?
- Here.
268
00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:52,281
♪ ♪
269
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,033
- I'm so psyched
for the off-season.
270
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:55,660
I got hit with a soccer ball
so many times,
271
00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:57,620
I think my titties got CTE.
- [chuckles]
272
00:08:57,703 --> 00:08:59,830
So what are we gonna do
with all our free time?
273
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:01,165
I'm thinking sleeping till 3:00
274
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,708
and then drinking
till the other 3:00.
275
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,585
- Mm, that's a no for me.
My schedule's packed.
276
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,254
- Already?
How?
277
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:07,713
- Off-season is when
we do all the stuff
278
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,131
we can't do during soccer.
279
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,716
- I'm running
for student government.
280
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,802
Have you seen those losers?
I'm gon' clean up.
281
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,387
- Why would you wanna do that?
282
00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:16,347
- Pad that grad school résumé,
babe.
283
00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,724
- Yeah, I've got basketball.
I'm a two-season athlete.
284
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,601
But you were just joking
about sleeping
285
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:22,311
and drinking all day, right?
286
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,314
- [laughing]
Yes, duh, totally.
287
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,025
I've got so much going on.
Let's go.
288
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:31,070
[electronic music]
289
00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:34,490
♪ ♪
290
00:09:34,573 --> 00:09:36,033
- Well, Ms. Finkle,
291
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,743
I think we're gonna be able
to get you this loan.
292
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:40,162
- Oh, my God, really?
That's such a relief.
293
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,999
- I'm happy to help.
Do you, uh, have any questions?
294
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,417
- No.
- Actually, yes.
295
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,961
When does the loan start
accruing interest,
296
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:48,754
and is it fixed or variable?
297
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,172
- Great questions.
298
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,717
Let me just get you
this pamphlet.
299
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:53,968
- Oh, wow.
300
00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:55,845
Everyone in here
looks so happy.
301
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,221
- Kimberly,
they're print models.
302
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,015
I've seen that girl
in a NuvaRing ad.
303
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,600
Can you at least walk us
through the payback structure?
304
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:04,603
- Uh, well,
with a loan your size,
305
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:08,357
you'd be paying about $900
a month for the next 30 years.
306
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:11,110
But with autopay,
it's like you don't even know
307
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:12,862
the money's leaving
your account.
308
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,989
- You're gonna be paying this
back until you're, like, 50.
309
00:10:15,072 --> 00:10:18,951
- Oh, the payoff age is
actually late-60s on average.
310
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,620
- Oh.
I don't have any other options.
311
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,414
I'd like to go ahead
with the loan.
312
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,167
- Wonderful,
let's get you that shmoney.
313
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:27,668
I'm just gonna go grab
the paperwork
314
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,211
for your parents to cosign.
315
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,713
- No!
316
00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:33,966
I mean, what if
that's not an option?
317
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:38,804
- I'm sorry, but a cosigner
is kind of a non-negotiable.
318
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:42,516
- Oh, then I don't think
I can do this.
319
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,976
Thanks for your time.
320
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,479
[electronic music]
321
00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:48,898
- Welcome,
funny ladies of Essex.
322
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:51,067
We're so happy
you're interested in joining
323
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:55,946
our school's first ever,
female-only comedy magazine.
324
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,156
[applause]
325
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:58,741
- I know what you're thinking.
326
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,452
Will it be hard to do this
without a bunch of guys
327
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:04,288
who steal all their ideas
from Conan and "SNL"?
328
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,831
No, it will not.
[laughter]
329
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:07,124
- If you're in this room,
330
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,751
it means you're part
of the movement--
331
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:10,795
except for that guy,
who's doing homework, I think.
332
00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:13,255
We're still working on finding
a permanent meeting space.
333
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,966
- We're so excited
to read your submissions.
334
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,927
- Mm-hmm.
In a few short days,
335
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:19,804
some of you lucky ladies
will be joining us
336
00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:21,889
in writing our groundbreaking
first edition
337
00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:24,433
as one of our newfound
comedy sisters.
338
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,102
[cheers and applause]
339
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,522
Holy shit,
these girls are unfunny turds.
340
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:31,357
- In a good way?
341
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,983
- How would that be
in a good way?
342
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,652
- Bela, you're overreacting.
343
00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:37,697
Some are...fine.
- Have you read these?
344
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,615
This girl wrote a poem
about celiac disease,
345
00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:42,952
and this girl wrote
a phrase called "OBGY-LOL."
346
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,871
What does that even mean?
- So they have a lot to learn.
347
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:48,165
We'll teach them.
- I really need this to work.
348
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,917
I wanna write with writers
that are funny,
349
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,335
like you and Jo.
350
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:53,212
- And me.
- Sure.
351
00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:54,964
- Look, none of us thought
we were gonna find
352
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:57,591
a bunch of amazing and
hilarious people right away.
353
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,885
Just be patient, okay?
354
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,053
- Okay.
355
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,806
- ♪ Never gonna be the same ♪
356
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:05,474
- Sorry about your loan,
Kimberly.
357
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,809
If it makes you feel
any better,
358
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,644
my new comedy magazine's
a disaster.
359
00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:09,854
- Really?
Why?
360
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:11,313
- Because they all stink.
361
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,982
I'm worried "The Catullan"
was onto something
362
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,984
not letting women
join until 1994.
363
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,610
- Mmm.
- Look, I don't know anything
364
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,028
about comedy...
- So true.
365
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,363
So, so true.
366
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,115
- But maybe, before
you throw this all away,
367
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:22,741
you should talk to someone
who's done it before.
368
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,160
- That does seem
like good advice.
369
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,661
- Ooh, well,
I have some cool news.
370
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:27,121
I'm gonna be
on the water polo team.
371
00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:28,372
- Really?
- What?
372
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:29,999
I didn't know you played
water polo.
373
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,042
- Oh, I don't--yet.
But it seems easy.
374
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:33,502
Based off a video I watched,
375
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,879
I think it's just pool soccer
with hands.
376
00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:36,130
- [gasps]
And then we can hang out
377
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,506
with the water polo guys.
378
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,550
You know,
maybe things are looking up.
379
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,260
Ow, my boob!
380
00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:42,428
- [chuckles]
381
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:43,679
- What the fuck?
382
00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:45,681
- Sorry.
Not really, though.
383
00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:48,392
- ♪ I don't need no drugs
at the disco ♪
384
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,394
- Now it's trash, you trash.
385
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:51,687
- Put your clothes on.
386
00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:53,439
- ♪ On the dance floor ♪
387
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:55,900
- Aw, fuck.
I gotta ice my boob.
388
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,109
[person moaning]
389
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:58,402
- Wait, what is that?
390
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:00,362
[people moaning]
391
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,490
Did you guys hear that?
392
00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:05,701
[moaning gets louder]
- Oh, my God.
393
00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:06,994
Sex noises!
394
00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:08,245
- Wait,
that's the climate refugee.
395
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:09,455
That's his room.
396
00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:12,208
- [chuckles]
- Wonder who she is.
397
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:14,126
- Well, whoever she is, she's
having the time of her life.
398
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,128
- [laughs]
- They are being so loud.
399
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,838
It's literal noise pollution.
I'm gonna knock.
400
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:19,215
- Don't you dare!
- Oh, ow, ow.
401
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:20,466
- Just let me record
a little first.
402
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,384
[moaning continues]
403
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,763
[laidback music]
404
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:28,933
[knocking]
405
00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:31,185
- Bela?
It's 8:15 in the morning.
406
00:13:31,268 --> 00:13:33,604
Why are you here?
- It's urgent.
407
00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:35,397
- How did you find
my apartment?
408
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,900
It was a very conscious choice
to not tell you where it was.
409
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:39,735
- Look, my new magazine
is a disaster.
410
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:41,904
All the applicants suck,
which is why I've decided
411
00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:43,697
to immediately give up
and accept my old spot
412
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:45,366
on "The Catullan."
Bela's back.
413
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:46,575
You're welcome.
414
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,869
- Um, no. [chuckles]
415
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,871
I don't think anyone's gonna
be excited to work with a girl
416
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,748
who left and stole all
of our good writers.
417
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:54,875
- They left willingly.
"The Catullan" sucked.
418
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,460
- You just said you wanted
to come back to it.
419
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,879
- Fine then.
Will you join my magazine?
420
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:02,007
- What can I say that will
help you leave my apartment?
421
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:04,593
- What do I do?
422
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,137
- [sighs]
Um, okay,
423
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,306
so you're building
a team, right?
424
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,892
So you gotta look at this
as your LeBron moment.
425
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,812
This is your chance to put
together a super comedy lineup.
426
00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:16,355
Right?
Like, LeBron didn't just wait
427
00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:17,731
for people
to come join the team.
428
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:18,899
He went out, and he found
429
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:19,984
Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.
430
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:21,944
- Uh-huh, got it.
431
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,779
Can you put that
in not sports terms?
432
00:14:23,862 --> 00:14:26,282
- Just find a bunch
of funny people.
433
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:27,616
- Cool.
434
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,661
[upbeat vocal music]
435
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:32,538
♪ ♪
436
00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:35,165
- [blows whistle]
Good morning, ladies.
437
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:36,959
Welcome to water polo tryouts.
438
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,545
We're gonna do a scrimmage so
I can assess your skill level.
439
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:40,921
- This seems fun.
440
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:42,464
You ever played
water polo before?
441
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,800
- Yup, I played competitively
for eight years.
442
00:14:44,883 --> 00:14:47,011
- Yeah, I just started,
but I'm pretty sure
443
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:48,554
it's gonna be my life now too.
444
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,639
Ooh, also, real quick,
what are the rules?
445
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,141
- [blows whistle]
Up, up, up, up! Let's go!
446
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:53,475
Come on, ladies!
Get in the water!
447
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:54,685
Here we go, yes!
[blows whistle]
448
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:55,853
[upbeat music]
449
00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:58,355
All right, let's go. Pass it!
450
00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:01,442
- How are you guys not using
your arms to swim right now?
451
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,027
- [blows whistle]
Come on, you got this!
452
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,404
- Whoo!
- Which team am I on again?
453
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:06,697
- Let's go!
Quickly!
454
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:07,906
- [grunts]
455
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:08,991
Me, I got it!
I'm open--
456
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,159
[grunting]
457
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,910
- Mm.
- [blows whistle]
458
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:13,120
Transition! High!
459
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:14,788
- [grunting]
460
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:16,415
- Oy.
- I'm open! I'm ope--
461
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,460
[whistle blows distantly]
462
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:24,840
- You got knocked out,
but I gave you mouth-to-mouth.
463
00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:26,800
- Thanks.
464
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,594
I think I get the rules now.
465
00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:30,179
Should I jump back in?
466
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:31,180
- No.
467
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:34,224
[upbeat music]
468
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:38,520
♪ ♪
469
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:41,106
- So how'd it go with the loan?
- Honestly, not great.
470
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:43,442
They said they need my parents
to cosign my loan,
471
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:45,319
and I can't tell them
what happened.
472
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:47,237
- So what are you gonna do?
- Ooh, I have an idea.
473
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,823
My cousin got a bunch of money
when she was hit by a city bus.
474
00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:51,742
Do that.
- Actually, I found
475
00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:55,037
a super high-paying second job
I can do from my dorm room.
476
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,872
I'm typing up
the closed captioning
477
00:15:56,955 --> 00:16:00,376
for a reality show called
"Sex Paradise: Australia."
478
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,461
- That's a job?
- It sure is.
479
00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:04,088
All I have to do
is watch an episode,
480
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,715
listen very closely, and
type up what they're saying--
481
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,425
and the noises they make
in the Pleasure Hut--
482
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:12,012
for 20 freakin' bucks an hour.
- That's disgusting.
483
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:13,681
How many episodes
are they paying you for?
484
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:15,349
- It's 300 episodes a season.
485
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:17,017
So if I can
find time to transcribe
486
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,895
for at least 50 hours a week,
on top of my school work
487
00:16:19,978 --> 00:16:23,065
and my Sips job, my finances
will be totally taken care of.
488
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:24,483
- That's too much.
489
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,026
You should just tell
your mom what happened
490
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,277
and have her cosign a loan.
491
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:29,071
- No, I'm gonna go
with my thing.
492
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:30,280
- Okay.
493
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:31,990
♪ ♪
494
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:33,701
- I don't have
any other interests.
495
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:38,038
Okay, what would you say
is my thing, besides soccer?
496
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,998
- That you're cool.
497
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:42,751
- Mm-hmm.
- And you're pretty.
498
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,295
And you can kind of sing
karaoke, but not really.
499
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,755
- [laughing] Seriously, Canaan.
500
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,507
- I don't get what's going on.
501
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:51,385
- I guess I'm feeling...lost.
502
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:55,556
- Okay, well, what do you wanna
do with your life?
503
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:58,142
- I don't know.
What about you?
504
00:16:58,225 --> 00:17:00,436
- Well, I actually have
a very detailed ten-year plan
505
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,813
that will hopefully lead me
into starting my own hedge fund
506
00:17:02,896 --> 00:17:04,606
that focuses
on impact investing.
507
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:05,816
So I'll basically
be helping people
508
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:07,192
while getting very, very rich.
509
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:08,736
- That's exactly
what I'm talking about.
510
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:10,779
I feel like I'm the only
person in college
511
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,866
who doesn't have their whole
life already figured out.
512
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,784
It kind of sucks.
513
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:19,121
- Well, I know
you're gonna figure it out,
514
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:22,332
because you're smart, and
whatever you put your mind to,
515
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,334
you're gonna kill it.
516
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:27,129
- Thank you.
- Unless it's water polo.
517
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,882
- I knew you were
gonna do that.
518
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:33,218
♪ ♪
519
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,137
- Oh, my God, you guys.
520
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,681
Okay, there is
so much snow already.
521
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,016
Are we sure this is safe?
522
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:41,268
Like, do people get
boob frostbite?
523
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:44,146
- I don't think so, but it's
definitely worth a Google.
524
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:47,149
- Okay, so the snow run ends
at Frat Row,
525
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,026
where all the frats will be
hosting big parties,
526
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:50,402
and since Theta's out,
527
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,279
I did some comprehensive
Instagram stalking
528
00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:54,156
to figure out
the next best option,
529
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:56,200
and it is definitely Omega Pi.
530
00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:57,618
Their guys are
for sure the hottest
531
00:17:57,701 --> 00:17:58,994
if anyone wants to check.
- Is that why
532
00:17:59,077 --> 00:18:00,621
my printer is out of ink?
- It's 2022.
533
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,331
Why do you even have a printer?
This is on you.
534
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,333
As I was saying,
Omega Pi's hosting
535
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:05,959
a huge Winter Underland party.
536
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,795
It is gonna be lit,
and we're all going.
537
00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:10,923
- Not me. I have to stay home
and do some closed captioning.
538
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:12,841
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
539
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,177
I think this is gonna be
my new normal for a while.
540
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:18,013
- All right.
We gotta go, ladies.
541
00:18:18,096 --> 00:18:19,598
- Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.
Can I just say
542
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:21,475
that all three of us look
so fucking hot right now
543
00:18:21,558 --> 00:18:23,852
and that this is gonna be one
of the best days of our lives!
544
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,103
[all scream]
545
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:26,688
Ah!
- Oh, my God!
546
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,441
Aah!
- Ah, my--ow, ow!
547
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,984
Ah!
- Bela, Bela, stop, stop.
548
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:33,111
- Get up! Get up!
- Ow, ow, ow.
549
00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:34,530
- [thick Australian accent]
Jessica has just made
550
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,448
the bloody agonizing decision
551
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:37,950
to dump Braxton,
552
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:40,702
and now she deals
with the consequences.
553
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,621
- [incoherently] You know,
it's, like, a game, right?
554
00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:45,040
But it's also, like,
finding love, you know?
555
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,417
- What the fuck is she saying?
556
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,044
- To dump Braxton,
557
00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:52,005
and now she deals
with the consequences.
558
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:53,715
- [incoherently] You know,
it's, like, a game, right?
559
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,759
But it's also, like,
finding love, you know?
560
00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:58,929
[people moaning]
561
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,567
[moaning continues]
562
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:13,735
- God damn it.
563
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,404
[shouts]
Can you please keep it down?
564
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:18,907
[moaning continues]
565
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,242
Shut up!
566
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:21,577
Assholes!
567
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:24,955
[moaning continues]
568
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:28,250
[all cheering]
569
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,878
- Everyone, drink up!
We run in two minutes!
570
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:33,422
[all cheering]
571
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,299
- [laughs]
My eyeballs are cold.
572
00:19:35,382 --> 00:19:36,341
- Yeah.
- Uh, same.
573
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:37,509
- Hey!
- Oh!
574
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:38,760
- You're here!
- Kimberly!
575
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:40,095
What--I thought
you had to work.
576
00:19:40,178 --> 00:19:41,763
- I don't think
I can do that job.
577
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,057
Drunk Australian people
are so hard to understand,
578
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,268
especially with our neighbor
having sex so loud.
579
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,312
- Well, you don't have to fix
all your problems tonight,
580
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:50,564
but there is one thing
you do have to do.
581
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:51,940
- Exactly.
Take off that coat.
582
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,525
Let me see
those granny panties.
583
00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:54,568
- Ah!
- Ah.
584
00:19:54,651 --> 00:19:56,278
- Oh!
- God damn,
585
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:59,114
underneath all those unstylish
clothes, you're, like, hot.
586
00:19:59,197 --> 00:20:00,449
[laughs]
- Oh, hell yeah,
587
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,868
congrats
on the underwear glow-up, girl.
588
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:04,494
- Everybody ready to run?
589
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:05,954
[all cheer]
590
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,873
Three, two, one,
591
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,791
strip and go!
592
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,043
[all clamoring]
593
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:13,545
- ♪ Let's get to it and work ♪
594
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,839
♪ 'Cause I hope you work well
under pressure ♪
595
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,257
♪ And you better work ♪
596
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,967
- Move, bitch!
I'm fast!
597
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,719
[grunts]
- Ah!
598
00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:22,221
- ♪ 'Cause I hope you work
well under pressure ♪
599
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:23,639
♪ ♪
600
00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:25,807
[upbeat music playing]
601
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,393
- Whoa.
602
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,686
- [laughs]
- Ow!
603
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,146
- [laughs] Hey.
- Yeah.
604
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,732
- Fuck Theta.
Omega Pi is where it's at.
605
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:36,818
[indistinct chatter]
606
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:42,199
♪ ♪
607
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:43,951
- I have never seen
this many hot,
608
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:45,702
shirtless men in one place.
609
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:47,663
- I know.
I'm taking screenshots
610
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,373
but with my brain for later.
611
00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:52,167
- Same, except I also took
a couple pictures on my phone.
612
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:54,252
- Oh, see that pack
of cis daddies right there?
613
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,129
I can see every single
one of their dick shapes.
614
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:58,507
Homie on the right got
a big ol' toddler arm
615
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,050
in his boxer briefs.
616
00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:02,678
- Lila?
- Hmm?
617
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,179
- Would you ever be interested
in writing a listicle
618
00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:05,847
about dick shapes
for my comedy magazine?
619
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,224
- Well, I don't know
what the fuck a listicle is,
620
00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:09,017
but hell yes, bitch,
let's do it.
621
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,269
- [laughs]
622
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:17,442
♪ ♪
623
00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:23,156
- Hey, I'm Sara.
624
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,033
- Hey, I'm Kimberly.
This is Leighton.
625
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,202
- Cool.
You wanna dance?
626
00:21:27,285 --> 00:21:29,746
- Um, I'm actually just dancing
with my friend right now.
627
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:31,123
- Okay.
628
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:32,791
- I was actually gonna go
to the bathroom,
629
00:21:32,874 --> 00:21:34,793
so I'm gonna go do that.
630
00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:38,964
- So, uh, you want a shot?
631
00:21:39,047 --> 00:21:41,800
From the smell of it, I'd say
it's shockingly bad tequila.
632
00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:44,011
- Mm, horrible.
633
00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:45,137
Yeah, I'm down.
634
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:47,305
- No, let me do it for you.
635
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,599
Open your mouth.
636
00:21:52,185 --> 00:21:54,187
- Um, actually, I'm good.
I'm good.
637
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:56,273
Um, sorry,
but I only drink top shelf.
638
00:21:56,356 --> 00:21:57,899
[chuckles]
- All right.
639
00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:00,402
- [clears throat]
Thanks.
640
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:05,866
- ♪ I'm ready to go,
so tell me, are ya, are ya? ♪
641
00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:08,243
- Are my boobs poppin' out?
- No, you're good.
642
00:22:08,326 --> 00:22:11,496
- I'm trying to make on-purpose
nip slips my signature move.
643
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,081
- Ooh.
644
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:15,500
Oh, that fucking
climate refugee is here.
645
00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:18,420
- Holy shit.
Look at him holding that beer.
646
00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:19,671
Dude has Marvel arms.
647
00:22:19,755 --> 00:22:21,256
- Yeah.
Yeah, now I kind of get
648
00:22:21,339 --> 00:22:23,383
why that girl was
being so loud.
649
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,888
- Hi. It's Jackson, right?
- Yeah.
650
00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:30,182
- Well, I'm Kimberly.
My room is right next to yours.
651
00:22:30,265 --> 00:22:32,100
- Cool.
- It's actually not cool,
652
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,227
because you've been
at Essex for, like, three days,
653
00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:35,854
and you're already having
the loudest,
654
00:22:35,937 --> 00:22:37,898
most performative sex
in the world.
655
00:22:37,981 --> 00:22:40,108
For your information, some
of the people at this school
656
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:41,818
have some really
important work to do,
657
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,445
and that's hard when you're,
658
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:45,113
you know, grunting
your head off going like--
659
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:46,406
[mockingly grunting]
660
00:22:46,490 --> 00:22:47,449
On the other side of some very,
661
00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:49,201
very, thin drywall, okay?
662
00:22:49,284 --> 00:22:50,786
- You done?
- Yeah, I think so.
663
00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:53,580
- Well, just so you know,
it actually kind of sucks
664
00:22:53,663 --> 00:22:55,290
sharing a wall with you too.
665
00:22:55,373 --> 00:22:57,042
What the hell ass TV show
666
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:59,127
have you been watching
so loudly?
667
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:01,296
- It's called
"Sex Paradise: Australia."
668
00:23:01,379 --> 00:23:02,839
I didn't know
you could hear it.
669
00:23:02,923 --> 00:23:05,217
- Oh, I can.
670
00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:07,135
Let me see your phone.
671
00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:09,888
- I've already hit
my data cap for the month,
672
00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:11,473
so don't go on YouTube.
673
00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:12,974
- Here.
Now you have my number.
674
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:14,726
Just shoot me a text
675
00:23:14,810 --> 00:23:16,520
if anything on my side
of the wall gets too loud.
676
00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:22,651
- Yeah!
- Ah, yes, bitch!
677
00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:29,199
♪ ♪
678
00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:32,160
- I don't know, man.
679
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:35,580
Thing is, she really doesn't
have anything besides soccer,
680
00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:37,749
so I didn't really know
what to say, you know?
681
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:40,293
Boom! Let's go.
That's mine.
682
00:23:40,377 --> 00:23:41,670
That's all me.
Run it back, run it back.
683
00:23:41,753 --> 00:23:48,844
♪ ♪
684
00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:52,514
Hey. You good?
685
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:54,933
- Yeah. Course I am.
686
00:23:55,016 --> 00:23:56,226
- [burps]
both: Ooh!
687
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,854
- Ah.
I just threw up in a trophy.
688
00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:00,522
[shouts]
Who wants another shot?
689
00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:02,566
- Hey, whoa, whoa, you are
way too wasted to be here.
690
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:04,025
I think I gotta take you home.
- [retches]
691
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:05,360
- No, no, no--
- [gags]
692
00:24:05,443 --> 00:24:06,736
- I'm gonna text you later.
- Uh-huh.
693
00:24:06,820 --> 00:24:08,113
- Say goodbye, champ.
It's time to go.
694
00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:09,197
Time to go.
- Ugh, it tastes like
695
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:10,699
someone puked in my mouth!
696
00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:12,409
- Did you guys
have fun tonight?
697
00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:14,786
- Yeah, we did!
Thanks for asking!
698
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:16,246
- Great,
699
00:24:16,329 --> 00:24:18,456
because it'll be the last
party you'll ever go to.
700
00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:20,500
- Dude, what is your problem?
- Seriously.
701
00:24:20,584 --> 00:24:22,669
Who died and made you
king of all the frats?
702
00:24:22,752 --> 00:24:23,920
You're a Theta.
703
00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:26,965
- These are the girls
I was telling you about,
704
00:24:27,048 --> 00:24:28,300
the ones who narced on us.
705
00:24:28,383 --> 00:24:29,718
You're a liability, bro.
706
00:24:29,801 --> 00:24:32,220
- A liability?
More like like-ability.
707
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,889
We're a damn pleasure
to have around.
708
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:35,223
Isn't that right?
both: Mm-hmm.
709
00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:37,058
- Y'all need
to get the fuck out.
710
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:38,643
[tense music]
711
00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:40,896
- Oh, my God.
- We're gonna die.
712
00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:42,814
- I'm getting nipple frostbite.
- Fuck.
713
00:24:42,898 --> 00:24:45,817
[laidback music]
714
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:47,611
♪ ♪
715
00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:50,238
- Barring the fact that we got
banned from frats last night,
716
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:51,865
I still think we had
a really fun time.
717
00:24:51,948 --> 00:24:54,242
- Kimberly got
climate refugee's phone number.
718
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:55,911
- For emergencies.
719
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:58,705
- What about you, Leighton,
did you chat up any hotties?
720
00:24:59,915 --> 00:25:02,167
Fine. You're too classy
to kiss and tell.
721
00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:03,376
I get it.
722
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:06,379
[dramatic music]
723
00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:09,090
♪ ♪
724
00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:11,551
- Uh, actually,
there is something
725
00:25:11,635 --> 00:25:13,803
that I've been meaning
to tell you guys.
726
00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:17,390
♪ ♪
727
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:18,934
I'm gay.
728
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,520
- Wow, Leighton,
that's awesome.
729
00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:24,356
- Should we hug?
I feel like we should hug.
730
00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:26,149
- Uh, no, we don't--
we don't need to hug.
731
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:29,277
- Oh, Leighton, that's so cool.
And I-I'm so shocked.
732
00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:30,737
I mean, I had no idea.
I guess it's like
733
00:25:30,820 --> 00:25:32,239
my gaydar is way off
or something.
734
00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:33,740
- Kimberly already knew,
didn't she?
735
00:25:33,823 --> 00:25:34,658
- Uh-huh.
736
00:25:34,741 --> 00:25:36,826
[laughter]
- Mm.
737
00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:39,496
- She's been a really good
friend about it, though.
738
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:42,457
She even tried to get me alone
739
00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:44,000
with a girl at the party
last night.
740
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,419
- Oh, my God, the girl
I saw you talking to.
741
00:25:46,503 --> 00:25:47,462
She was so hot.
742
00:25:47,545 --> 00:25:49,005
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
743
00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:54,010
Yeah, but then--then I, like,
freaked out and got weird,
744
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:56,137
and she's probably not
interested anymore, so--
745
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:58,556
- No way.
If you DM'd her right now,
746
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,976
I promise you
it would be back on.
747
00:26:01,059 --> 00:26:02,227
Slide into her DM.
748
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:03,645
- Yeah, message her.
- Now, do it.
749
00:26:03,728 --> 00:26:05,814
both: [chanting]
Slide in, slide in.
750
00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:07,524
- All right, fine.
Fine, I'll do it.
751
00:26:07,607 --> 00:26:09,150
- [laughs]
752
00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:14,698
♪ ♪
753
00:26:14,781 --> 00:26:15,824
[message sent tone]
754
00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:17,993
♪ ♪
755
00:26:18,076 --> 00:26:19,119
- I said, "Hi."
756
00:26:19,202 --> 00:26:21,830
[all cheer]
757
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:23,415
- Yes!
758
00:26:23,498 --> 00:26:25,750
- ♪ We were ♪
759
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:27,544
♪ Cosmical beings ♪
760
00:26:27,627 --> 00:26:29,838
[knocking]
761
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:31,214
- How are you in here?
762
00:26:31,298 --> 00:26:32,799
I literally had them change
the buzzer code.
763
00:26:32,882 --> 00:26:34,634
- I waited for someone to exit.
764
00:26:34,718 --> 00:26:35,760
- [sighs]
765
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:37,679
- I just wanted
to say thank you
766
00:26:37,762 --> 00:26:39,180
for your advice.
767
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:40,557
I found another
super funny writer
768
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,850
who I think is gonna be great,
769
00:26:41,933 --> 00:26:44,019
so it really helped.
770
00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:48,481
- You came here at 7:45
just for that?
771
00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:50,025
- Yeah, just that.
772
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,777
["I'm So Tired" by Deserta]
773
00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:54,279
♪ ♪
774
00:26:54,362 --> 00:26:57,532
- ♪ Giving up
my western trouble ♪
775
00:26:57,615 --> 00:27:00,285
♪ ♪
776
00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:02,287
♪ Right now ♪
777
00:27:02,370 --> 00:27:08,168
♪ ♪
778
00:27:08,251 --> 00:27:12,088
♪ Tell me not
to be so subtle ♪
779
00:27:12,172 --> 00:27:13,882
♪ ♪
780
00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:18,386
♪ Always want you to be near ♪
781
00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:21,598
♪ ♪
782
00:27:21,681 --> 00:27:25,769
♪ Guess you'll know
why I'm so tired ♪
783
00:27:25,852 --> 00:27:28,646
♪ ♪
784
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:31,858
♪ Too tired to be cool ♪
785
00:27:31,941 --> 00:27:35,570
♪ ♪
786
00:27:35,653 --> 00:27:39,699
♪ Guess you'll know
why I'm so tired ♪
787
00:27:39,783 --> 00:27:42,410
♪ ♪
788
00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:46,623
♪ I want you, I want you ♪
789
00:27:46,706 --> 00:27:49,918
♪ ♪
790
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:53,630
♪ Never thought
I'd miss the struggle ♪
791
00:27:53,713 --> 00:27:55,924
♪ ♪
792
00:27:56,007 --> 00:27:57,967
♪ I don't ♪
793
00:27:58,051 --> 00:28:03,807
♪ ♪
794
00:28:03,890 --> 00:28:07,519
♪ Giving all the kids
some trouble ♪
795
00:28:07,602 --> 00:28:09,521
♪ ♪
796
00:28:09,604 --> 00:28:13,608
♪ I just want you to be here ♪
797
00:28:13,691 --> 00:28:20,782
♪ ♪
798
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:23,451
- Go to bed.
54570
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